1
00:00:02,111 --> 00:00:05,781
[upbeat music]
2
00:00:05,783 --> 00:00:07,149
Caroline, I'm home!
3
00:00:07,151 --> 00:00:10,218
I mean, I'm hotel!
4
00:00:10,220 --> 00:00:11,820
(Caroline)
I'm upstairs,
5
00:00:11,822 --> 00:00:13,889
because we have an upstairs!
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00:00:13,891 --> 00:00:15,924
Thank you for losing
all your money so Hollywood
7
00:00:15,926 --> 00:00:19,327
would buy your story and
I could buy all the pot I want.
8
00:00:21,597 --> 00:00:23,465
Hello, darling.
You're just in time
9
00:00:23,467 --> 00:00:25,667
for my big Hollywood entrance.
10
00:00:27,136 --> 00:00:29,971
Hold up, Greta Garbage.
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00:00:29,973 --> 00:00:32,474
I just want to tell Earl about
the pot sitch out here.
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He'll think
it's high-larious.
13
00:00:35,446 --> 00:00:38,580
You never want to
watch me walk.
14
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What up, Earl?
It's your girl, Max,
15
00:00:41,685 --> 00:00:45,821
calling from Holly-weed,
Cali-juana.
16
00:00:45,823 --> 00:00:48,423
Hey, Max, it's not
the same without you here.
17
00:00:48,425 --> 00:00:51,560
A lot less customers crying.
18
00:00:51,562 --> 00:00:52,694
Listen to this!
19
00:00:52,696 --> 00:00:55,697
They just give
you pot cards out here.
20
00:00:55,699 --> 00:00:59,701
All I had to say was
"Sure, I get sad."
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Hey, I'm an 80-year-old man
working at a dead-end diner.
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00:01:03,707 --> 00:01:05,807
I bet I'd get two cards.
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00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,780
Is that Max?
Let me talk to her.
24
00:01:11,782 --> 00:01:16,418
I can't find my white golf
glove, and I know you took it!
25
00:01:16,420 --> 00:01:18,453
Han, keep your panties on.
26
00:01:18,455 --> 00:01:21,256
I have no idea where
your glove is.
27
00:01:21,258 --> 00:01:23,091
Oh, I'm driving
through the hills.
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I'm...breaking...up.
Aah...uhh...
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Okay, here comes my big
Hollywood entrance.
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Hello, darling--I hope
I haven't kept you waiting.
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[applause]
32
00:01:40,010 --> 00:01:43,778
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
33
00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:46,281
Uh-huh.
34
00:01:46,283 --> 00:01:48,850
I'm head over heels
for Hollywood, baby.
35
00:01:50,820 --> 00:01:53,121
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
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00:01:53,123 --> 00:01:54,656
[cash register bell dings]
37
00:01:54,658 --> 00:01:59,227
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
38
00:02:03,966 --> 00:02:05,300
[upbeat music]
39
00:02:05,302 --> 00:02:06,801
Just put it wherever you
would usually put things
40
00:02:06,803 --> 00:02:09,137
for, like, a big Hollywood
meeting with screenwriters
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00:02:09,139 --> 00:02:11,339
who are writing
your life story.
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00:02:11,341 --> 00:02:12,941
So, the counter?
43
00:02:14,410 --> 00:02:16,011
Go with your instincts.
44
00:02:16,013 --> 00:02:17,279
If I'd gone with my instincts,
45
00:02:17,281 --> 00:02:19,714
I would've finished
nursing college.
46
00:02:19,716 --> 00:02:22,717
Another reason I love LA?
We just had brunch at a place
47
00:02:22,719 --> 00:02:25,720
where you can
valet park your dog.
48
00:02:25,722 --> 00:02:28,256
Oh, my God, Max,
are those new sunglasses?
49
00:02:28,258 --> 00:02:31,960
Randy got them for me.
50
00:02:31,962 --> 00:02:34,129
I had to.
Your other pair of sunglasses
51
00:02:34,131 --> 00:02:36,865
were being held together
by willpower,
52
00:02:36,867 --> 00:02:40,168
and four-week-old gum.
53
00:02:40,170 --> 00:02:41,670
Can you have
dinner tonight?
54
00:02:41,672 --> 00:02:44,272
- Ah, would that mean I have
to have sex with you again?
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00:02:44,274 --> 00:02:45,674
Because the answer
is yes.
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00:02:47,343 --> 00:02:49,277
Max, you're going out
with Randy again?
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00:02:49,279 --> 00:02:51,646
I've barely seen you
since we got here.
58
00:02:51,648 --> 00:02:54,683
And I've seen
David Schwimmer four times.
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00:02:54,685 --> 00:02:56,685
I've never met
David Schwimmer,
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which is weird 'cause I'm
pretty sure I'm his lawyer.
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00:03:00,290 --> 00:03:02,357
Why don't you come
to dinner with us?
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00:03:02,359 --> 00:03:04,192
Would that mean she has
to have sex with you again?
63
00:03:04,194 --> 00:03:06,695
Because that's a yes!
64
00:03:06,697 --> 00:03:08,230
Actually, now
I think of it,
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00:03:08,232 --> 00:03:09,931
I can set you up
with an old friend of mine.
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00:03:09,933 --> 00:03:11,466
He is big in this town.
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00:03:11,468 --> 00:03:14,135
Deli-sandwich-
named-after-him big.
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00:03:14,137 --> 00:03:15,437
If you start dating
a big sandwich,
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00:03:15,439 --> 00:03:18,607
I'm gonna be really jealous.
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00:03:18,609 --> 00:03:20,475
- See you later?
- Hey.
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00:03:20,477 --> 00:03:22,244
My boobs are down here.
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00:03:24,380 --> 00:03:25,981
Wear something cute.
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00:03:25,983 --> 00:03:27,482
[giggles]
Okay.
74
00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:33,321
Last time a guy told you
to wear something cute,
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00:03:33,323 --> 00:03:35,991
You said, "Like what?
Yo nuts?"
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00:03:38,527 --> 00:03:40,228
You really like this guy.
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00:03:40,230 --> 00:03:41,830
Oh, can you just
not ruin this for me
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00:03:41,832 --> 00:03:43,765
by pointing out
what's good about it?
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00:03:43,767 --> 00:03:45,400
- Ooh, snacks.
- No, don't eat those.
80
00:03:45,402 --> 00:03:46,968
That's for the meeting
with the writers.
81
00:03:46,970 --> 00:03:50,839
Writers are actors who gave up,
so they're allowed to eat.
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00:03:50,841 --> 00:03:52,707
Can we talk about casting
with these writers?
83
00:03:52,709 --> 00:03:54,876
Because for once,
I want a name to play me,
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00:03:54,878 --> 00:04:00,048
not just some lady who falls
out of her tube top on "Cops."
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00:04:00,050 --> 00:04:01,816
Hi, everybody!
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00:04:01,818 --> 00:04:03,752
[audience cheers]
87
00:04:03,754 --> 00:04:05,553
Sophie, I thought you were
gonna be at the healer
88
00:04:05,555 --> 00:04:07,022
who's gonna help you
get pregnant
89
00:04:07,024 --> 00:04:09,457
until well after
our meeting.
90
00:04:09,459 --> 00:04:12,694
Well, you're wrong.
91
00:04:12,696 --> 00:04:16,097
Yeah.
92
00:04:16,099 --> 00:04:18,633
My healer had to cancel.
93
00:04:18,635 --> 00:04:22,737
She's trying to get Kim
Kardashian pregnant again.
94
00:04:22,739 --> 00:04:24,806
Or is it Kanye?
95
00:04:24,808 --> 00:04:28,410
I forget which one's
the girl.
96
00:04:28,412 --> 00:04:30,412
I'm pretty sure it's Kanye,
because he's the one
97
00:04:30,414 --> 00:04:32,881
that goes crazy
once a month.
98
00:04:35,284 --> 00:04:36,918
[knocking on door]
99
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,854
This is so exciting.
Our movie meeting is happening!
100
00:04:39,856 --> 00:04:40,889
This is exciting.
101
00:04:40,891 --> 00:04:42,357
I've never been
in a hotel meeting
102
00:04:42,359 --> 00:04:43,992
that didn't start
on Craigslist.
103
00:04:46,395 --> 00:04:48,530
- Hi!
- Hi, I'm Leslie.
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00:04:48,532 --> 00:04:50,565
This is Jason.
He's my partner.
105
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:52,434
- Writing partner.
To be clear,
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00:04:52,436 --> 00:04:54,636
I only date models.
107
00:04:54,638 --> 00:04:57,305
- Hand models,
to be clear.
108
00:04:57,307 --> 00:04:59,341
Come on in.
109
00:04:59,343 --> 00:05:01,042
I'm Caroline Channing.
110
00:05:01,044 --> 00:05:03,945
You probably recognize
me from Google Images.
111
00:05:03,947 --> 00:05:06,381
The photo of me being dragged
out of Barneys crying
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00:05:06,383 --> 00:05:08,883
with my cut up credit cards
is classic.
113
00:05:12,588 --> 00:05:14,756
And I'm Max Black.
If you Google Image me,
114
00:05:14,758 --> 00:05:19,194
you'll see the Canadian dude
I stole my identity from.
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00:05:19,196 --> 00:05:21,596
You're hot.
Are you a model?
116
00:05:21,598 --> 00:05:23,598
That is
so unprofessional.
117
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,633
Right. Like I'm
the one who has to stay
118
00:05:25,635 --> 00:05:28,670
500 feet away
from Fred Savage.
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00:05:28,672 --> 00:05:30,872
He's just so darn cute!
120
00:05:30,874 --> 00:05:32,507
Anyway, hi.
121
00:05:32,509 --> 00:05:34,843
Hi, okay, yeah.
Let's switch focus and sit
122
00:05:34,845 --> 00:05:37,011
and talk movie.
123
00:05:37,013 --> 00:05:39,881
I already came up with
my character's catch phrase.
124
00:05:39,883 --> 00:05:43,184
I think every time I leave
the room, I should say
125
00:05:43,186 --> 00:05:45,720
"Jigga jigga damn."
126
00:05:45,722 --> 00:05:47,989
We thought it was just
gonna be us and Caroline,
127
00:05:47,991 --> 00:05:50,492
not that you're not
fun and fabulous.
128
00:05:50,494 --> 00:05:52,527
You're like a sober
Megan Fox.
129
00:05:54,764 --> 00:05:57,265
I'm confused.
I assumed you wanted to meet
130
00:05:57,267 --> 00:05:58,600
with both of us
because, you know,
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00:05:58,602 --> 00:06:01,636
Max is a huge
part of the story.
132
00:06:01,638 --> 00:06:04,105
Stop texting.
Help me.
133
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,142
This is just a boring,
preliminary,
134
00:06:07,144 --> 00:06:08,576
get-to-know-you meeting.
135
00:06:08,578 --> 00:06:10,445
- It would really be better if--
- I wasn't here.
136
00:06:10,447 --> 00:06:12,881
Yeah, I get it.
I know when I'm not wanted.
137
00:06:12,883 --> 00:06:15,850
That's why I high-tailed it
out of my mother's womb.
138
00:06:15,852 --> 00:06:19,287
Anyway, I have a big
Hollywood meeting myself.
139
00:06:19,289 --> 00:06:21,723
- You do?
- Uh, yeah.
140
00:06:21,725 --> 00:06:23,224
I have an appointment
to go stand in line
141
00:06:23,226 --> 00:06:25,593
for a little thing called
"The Price Is Right."
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00:06:25,595 --> 00:06:27,195
You ever heard of it?
143
00:06:27,197 --> 00:06:28,963
Ah, you know you have.
144
00:06:30,533 --> 00:06:32,100
Max, you don't have to go.
145
00:06:32,102 --> 00:06:33,501
It's cool,
it's cool.
146
00:06:33,503 --> 00:06:35,670
And with that,
let me just say,
147
00:06:35,672 --> 00:06:38,440
jigga jigga damn.
148
00:06:38,442 --> 00:06:40,108
So, here's the thing.
149
00:06:40,110 --> 00:06:42,977
Your friend's character
is not in the movie.
150
00:06:42,979 --> 00:06:46,748
We don't have to do that
"jigga jigga damn" thing.
151
00:06:46,750 --> 00:06:49,350
To be honest, I've never
heard her say that.
152
00:06:49,352 --> 00:06:51,653
Nothing personal
to your friend.
153
00:06:51,655 --> 00:06:55,123
- She's hot.
- We get it!
154
00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:58,560
But Jennifer Lawrence
is interested in playing you.
155
00:06:58,562 --> 00:07:01,262
And she wants to do
a brave, no-makeup role.
156
00:07:01,264 --> 00:07:03,164
Without a co-star.
157
00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:06,468
Jennifer Lawrence
wants to play me?
158
00:07:06,470 --> 00:07:08,036
Jigga jigga damn!
159
00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:16,811
[upbeat music]
160
00:07:16,813 --> 00:07:20,615
♪
161
00:07:20,617 --> 00:07:22,584
So you want to sleep
over again tonight?
162
00:07:22,586 --> 00:07:24,886
Think your mom
will let you?
163
00:07:24,888 --> 00:07:28,957
Maybe. She let me
get a job at five.
164
00:07:28,959 --> 00:07:31,793
You guys are sitting on
the same side of the table?
165
00:07:31,795 --> 00:07:34,896
Max, you've kicked people
out of the diner for that!
166
00:07:34,898 --> 00:07:37,398
And it was a boy
and his nana.
167
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,901
I've sat next to people
before at dinner.
168
00:07:39,903 --> 00:07:43,438
They kind of make you
at the shelter.
169
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:44,739
Some wine?
170
00:07:44,741 --> 00:07:49,244
Wine that's not from a box?
That's a yes!
171
00:07:49,246 --> 00:07:52,480
Anyway, how was
"The Price Is Right"?
172
00:07:52,482 --> 00:07:57,952
Did you get to meet the host,
I want to say Alex Sajack?
173
00:07:57,954 --> 00:07:59,521
Control that temper, Max.
174
00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:02,123
It's Drew Carey,
and he gets housewives wet
175
00:08:02,125 --> 00:08:04,058
five days a week--
know the facts.
176
00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:08,830
But I showed up too late,
so I got to go back tomorrow.
177
00:08:08,832 --> 00:08:11,232
I was thinking of wearing a
shirt that said
178
00:08:11,234 --> 00:08:14,135
"One in the Plinko,
two in the stinko."
179
00:08:16,338 --> 00:08:20,074
How about I buy you a lifetime
supply of Rice-A-Roni?
180
00:08:20,076 --> 00:08:23,678
Aw. I don't think you realize
how much Rice-A-Roni I can eat.
181
00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:27,315
Oh, there's Bob.
182
00:08:27,317 --> 00:08:29,984
Bob! We're over here.
183
00:08:29,986 --> 00:08:32,687
Oh, hey there, hot shot.
184
00:08:32,689 --> 00:08:35,390
[cheers and applause]
185
00:08:35,392 --> 00:08:38,993
Is that my date Bob,
or a different Bob?
186
00:08:38,995 --> 00:08:42,230
I need that to be
a different Bob.
187
00:08:42,232 --> 00:08:45,199
I think that's
the very first Bob.
188
00:08:45,201 --> 00:08:48,836
It was Adam, Eve, and Bob.
189
00:08:48,838 --> 00:08:50,638
Caroline, this is Bob.
190
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:54,576
- Bob, meet Caroline Channing.
- Nice to meet you.
191
00:08:54,578 --> 00:08:56,210
Not a lot on top.
192
00:08:58,414 --> 00:09:00,615
I hope he means
I'm stupid.
193
00:09:02,418 --> 00:09:05,420
Wow. If me and Randy
are May-December,
194
00:09:05,422 --> 00:09:07,555
you two are May-Dead.
195
00:09:12,361 --> 00:09:16,030
Marlon Brando played
the pants off the Godfather.
196
00:09:16,032 --> 00:09:18,766
You bet your ass he did.
197
00:09:18,768 --> 00:09:22,704
At the end of the day,
he was kissing my ring.
198
00:09:22,706 --> 00:09:24,606
Speaking of kissing,
I haven't gotten one
199
00:09:24,608 --> 00:09:27,909
since that time Bob
did heroin with the Stones.
200
00:09:27,911 --> 00:09:32,580
I think you mean the time
the Stones did heroin with Bob.
201
00:09:38,988 --> 00:09:40,888
Getting any ideas?
202
00:09:44,493 --> 00:09:47,495
Yeah, that I want
to die before 60.
203
00:09:48,497 --> 00:09:50,098
Anybody want to do
a little blow?
204
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,499
[chokes]
205
00:09:53,002 --> 00:09:55,703
I'm gonna pass.
We have to be careful, Bob.
206
00:09:55,705 --> 00:09:57,739
Some of us are
capable of dying.
207
00:09:59,775 --> 00:10:04,545
I'm gonna pass as well.
I don't do snorties.
208
00:10:04,547 --> 00:10:07,849
Even I'm scared of how much
talking there'd be.
209
00:10:07,851 --> 00:10:10,852
Toot, toot.
The train is leaving.
210
00:10:13,088 --> 00:10:14,956
Um, Randy?
211
00:10:14,958 --> 00:10:16,891
It was really nice of
you to set me up,
212
00:10:16,893 --> 00:10:18,826
but what the hell
were you thinking?
213
00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:21,429
There's a 100-year age
difference!
214
00:10:21,431 --> 00:10:24,332
Caroline,
this is Hollywood.
215
00:10:24,334 --> 00:10:26,034
Age doesn't matter.
216
00:10:26,036 --> 00:10:28,603
Unless you're a woman.
217
00:10:28,605 --> 00:10:31,305
Plus, Bob's got
a lot of connections.
218
00:10:31,307 --> 00:10:33,608
He could really help
you with your deal.
219
00:10:33,610 --> 00:10:37,612
I'm not gonna sleep
with God's college roommate
220
00:10:37,614 --> 00:10:40,481
to get ahead in Hollywood.
221
00:10:40,483 --> 00:10:43,618
I think sleeping's pretty
much all you'd have to do.
222
00:10:46,388 --> 00:10:48,022
Never got
to the blow.
223
00:10:48,024 --> 00:10:50,591
Ran into my fourth ex-wife,
only this time
224
00:10:50,593 --> 00:10:53,695
it wasn't with the moose bumper
on my Range Rover.
225
00:10:56,498 --> 00:10:58,866
You're still driving?
226
00:11:01,336 --> 00:11:02,704
What are you dolls doing
in Hollywood?
227
00:11:02,706 --> 00:11:06,574
You girls like a sister act
or something?
228
00:11:06,576 --> 00:11:09,043
Kind of. They're making
a movie about us,
229
00:11:09,045 --> 00:11:11,012
So, what did
the writers say?
230
00:11:11,014 --> 00:11:13,948
What did they think about
Zach Galifianakis playing me?
231
00:11:15,651 --> 00:11:17,485
Well, it's nothing personal,
232
00:11:17,487 --> 00:11:20,154
but the writers don't
feel like you're...
233
00:11:20,156 --> 00:11:23,725
It's just,
there's so much story.
234
00:11:23,727 --> 00:11:26,227
There's a lot
of characters already.
235
00:11:26,229 --> 00:11:29,897
You're out of
the picture, kid.
236
00:11:29,899 --> 00:11:31,332
Really?
I'm out?
237
00:11:31,334 --> 00:11:34,869
Max, I'm sorry.
I told them you are crucial.
238
00:11:34,871 --> 00:11:37,238
But then they said maybe
Jennifer Lawrence would play me
239
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,340
and I kind of blacked out
after that.
240
00:11:39,342 --> 00:11:41,676
Hey, I've been cut out of
a lot of life stories,
241
00:11:41,678 --> 00:11:44,579
like my mom's,
every time she met a guy.
242
00:11:44,581 --> 00:11:46,881
I was just her two-year-old
cleaning lady.
243
00:11:48,550 --> 00:11:51,319
Max, this is just the way
Hollywood works.
244
00:11:51,321 --> 00:11:53,254
Bob, you know
how Hollywood is.
245
00:11:53,256 --> 00:11:55,289
You were there
when it started.
246
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,826
It's cool, it's cool.
Randy, you ready?
247
00:11:58,828 --> 00:12:01,929
Yeah, we're gonna take off
before the next story, Bob.
248
00:12:01,931 --> 00:12:03,431
I can only hear about that
three-way
249
00:12:03,433 --> 00:12:05,967
with Gavin MacLeod
so many times.
250
00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:08,302
Plus, I have to get up early
251
00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:09,737
to get in line for
"The Price Is Right."
252
00:12:09,739 --> 00:12:13,474
I used to babysit
little Bobby Barker.
253
00:12:13,476 --> 00:12:15,710
Max, don't leave.
Stay for another drink.
254
00:12:15,712 --> 00:12:16,744
Nah, I'm out.
255
00:12:18,547 --> 00:12:22,049
Wow, you could cut that
tension with my coke blade.
256
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:25,887
Max is tough.
We're a team.
257
00:12:25,889 --> 00:12:27,688
We've been through
a lot together,
258
00:12:27,690 --> 00:12:30,858
including a car wash
that time our shower broke.
259
00:12:30,860 --> 00:12:32,627
You'll be fine, kid.
260
00:12:32,629 --> 00:12:33,694
You're gonna have
plenty of friends
261
00:12:33,696 --> 00:12:35,396
when your movie comes out,
262
00:12:35,398 --> 00:12:38,332
and for six months after that.
263
00:12:38,334 --> 00:12:41,335
I don't need fake friends.
I have Max.
264
00:12:41,337 --> 00:12:44,739
That's what Wesley Snipes
said about Jane Fonda.
265
00:12:44,741 --> 00:12:48,676
- They're not friends.
- You bet your ass they're not.
266
00:12:54,416 --> 00:12:55,783
[upbeat music]
267
00:12:55,785 --> 00:12:59,787
[people muttering,
shouting]
268
00:12:59,789 --> 00:13:00,888
I thought you weren't
gonna have time
269
00:13:00,890 --> 00:13:02,523
to be on
"The Price Is Right,"
270
00:13:02,525 --> 00:13:07,628
with Caroline's big and
I'm assuming boring movie.
271
00:13:07,630 --> 00:13:09,897
Well, my schedule's
wide open.
272
00:13:09,899 --> 00:13:12,033
When it comes to the movie,
I pulled out.
273
00:13:12,035 --> 00:13:15,002
You know, like I always
tell guys I'm going to.
274
00:13:16,705 --> 00:13:18,272
Oh, it's Oleg.
275
00:13:18,274 --> 00:13:21,509
I bet you he wants
to have phone sex.
276
00:13:21,511 --> 00:13:23,377
Is there anything
I can lean on?
277
00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:26,814
(Oleg)
Hey, Sophie.
278
00:13:26,816 --> 00:13:28,382
I was just making
some baby back ribs
279
00:13:28,384 --> 00:13:31,953
and I thought,
♪ I want my baby back
280
00:13:31,955 --> 00:13:34,355
Then I pleasured myself
with an oven mitt.
281
00:13:36,225 --> 00:13:37,992
(Sophie)
So, no sex?
282
00:13:37,994 --> 00:13:39,994
'Cause I see a bench.
It's a perfect height,
283
00:13:39,996 --> 00:13:43,698
and I can have Max
hold the phone for us.
284
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:46,734
Is that Sophie?
Is she with Max?
285
00:13:46,736 --> 00:13:48,436
Give me that.
286
00:13:48,438 --> 00:13:54,075
It's Han, and you know sounds
even shorter long-distance.
287
00:13:54,077 --> 00:13:57,979
Max, did you play with
the ringtone on my phone?
288
00:13:57,981 --> 00:14:00,314
Every time it rings,
it makes sex sounds.
289
00:14:00,316 --> 00:14:04,986
[woman whimpering]
290
00:14:04,988 --> 00:14:08,890
Mother.
I have to call you back.
291
00:14:08,892 --> 00:14:12,260
Sounds like she's doing
just fine on her own.
292
00:14:12,262 --> 00:14:14,328
How do I make
the sex sounds stop?
293
00:14:14,330 --> 00:14:16,264
For you, it's
a rare occurrence.
294
00:14:16,266 --> 00:14:19,267
Just leave it in your pants
and enjoy it.
295
00:14:21,103 --> 00:14:22,970
- So, Max--
(Max) Sorry, Han.
296
00:14:22,972 --> 00:14:25,039
I can't hear you.
I'm driving through the hills.
297
00:14:25,041 --> 00:14:28,242
I'm...breaking...up
aah...ahh...
298
00:14:30,012 --> 00:14:32,980
[woman whimpering]
299
00:14:32,982 --> 00:14:34,916
I'm coming, Mother!
300
00:14:36,718 --> 00:14:39,086
Ooh, here comes
the contestant picker.
301
00:14:39,088 --> 00:14:40,988
Act like you're a stay-at-home
mom from the Midwest.
302
00:14:40,990 --> 00:14:43,224
That's the "Price Is Right"
sweet spot.
303
00:14:43,226 --> 00:14:44,859
Okay, how's this?
304
00:14:44,861 --> 00:14:46,594
[in a Midwestern accent]
Oh, God.
305
00:14:46,596 --> 00:14:50,831
Those little bastards
are just running me ragged.
306
00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:55,102
both: Pick me! Pick me!
307
00:14:55,104 --> 00:14:58,205
We got a lot of 12-year-old
boys playing sick at home.
308
00:14:58,207 --> 00:15:01,108
How long can you ladies
jump up and down for?
309
00:15:01,110 --> 00:15:04,045
- 20 minutes.
- Step out of line.
310
00:15:04,047 --> 00:15:05,379
What is that costume?
311
00:15:05,381 --> 00:15:09,917
Oh, this is home-bedazzled,
doncha know?
312
00:15:09,919 --> 00:15:12,019
Step out of line.
313
00:15:12,021 --> 00:15:14,188
I'm just glad to be
out of the house.
314
00:15:14,190 --> 00:15:16,524
Wait here.
You're both in the mix.
315
00:15:16,526 --> 00:15:18,359
Practice being excited
to meet Drew Carey.
316
00:15:18,361 --> 00:15:20,261
He knows when
you're faking it.
317
00:15:20,263 --> 00:15:23,764
My Bob never knows
when I'm faking it.
318
00:15:23,766 --> 00:15:26,233
Keep it up.
I like your pepper.
319
00:15:27,869 --> 00:15:31,505
Max! I've been looking
all over for you.
320
00:15:31,507 --> 00:15:32,873
What are you doing here?
321
00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:34,442
This isn't a scene
in the movie.
322
00:15:34,444 --> 00:15:36,243
I know, because I'm in it.
323
00:15:36,245 --> 00:15:39,080
Max, there would be
no movie without you.
324
00:15:39,082 --> 00:15:41,615
There would also be no armed
guards at HomeTown Buffet.
325
00:15:41,617 --> 00:15:43,584
What's your point?
326
00:15:43,586 --> 00:15:45,152
I would've been here sooner,
327
00:15:45,154 --> 00:15:48,255
but I just got back
from Vegas with Bob.
328
00:15:48,257 --> 00:15:49,991
He lost $50,000,
329
00:15:49,993 --> 00:15:52,460
and somehow
Faye Dunaway's Oscar.
330
00:15:52,462 --> 00:15:55,930
But Bob and I talked a lot about
friendship on the helicopter.
331
00:15:55,932 --> 00:15:57,898
You know, right after
I jump-started his heart
332
00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,800
with the epi pen.
333
00:15:59,802 --> 00:16:01,702
And you and I
are not gonna be
334
00:16:01,704 --> 00:16:03,838
Winona Ryder and
Gwyneth Paltrow.
335
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,440
Or Sophie
and Gwyneth Paltrow!
336
00:16:06,442 --> 00:16:08,576
That bitch.
337
00:16:08,578 --> 00:16:11,846
I was going to name
my first-born "Apple,"
338
00:16:11,848 --> 00:16:13,381
and she took it.
339
00:16:13,383 --> 00:16:16,250
Now I have to settle
for "Fritter."
340
00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:21,389
I am not gonna sell out our
friendship for Hollywood.
341
00:16:21,391 --> 00:16:23,290
Max, you're in the movie
and you're coming with me
342
00:16:23,292 --> 00:16:24,925
to the meeting
to tell them that.
343
00:16:24,927 --> 00:16:27,928
But I'm in the mix.
They actually want me here.
344
00:16:27,930 --> 00:16:31,165
But I want you there.
345
00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:34,902
I'm the stupid
you should be with.
346
00:16:34,904 --> 00:16:36,771
All right, screw it.
347
00:16:36,773 --> 00:16:38,105
Sophie, I'm gonna go with her.
348
00:16:38,107 --> 00:16:41,342
Why stop making
bad decisions now?
349
00:16:41,344 --> 00:16:45,513
All right, but I'm gonna have to
make another friend in line.
350
00:16:47,883 --> 00:16:52,119
[Midwestern accent]
Hi, I'm Barb.
351
00:16:52,121 --> 00:16:57,725
Oh, gosh, carpool
and fluffernutter...
352
00:16:57,727 --> 00:17:00,928
because soccer, right?
353
00:17:00,930 --> 00:17:03,931
[upbeat music]
354
00:17:03,933 --> 00:17:08,502
♪
355
00:17:08,504 --> 00:17:11,305
Max, this is kind of
our first Hollywood party.
356
00:17:11,307 --> 00:17:14,175
I know. I wonder
who I'll go home with.
357
00:17:14,177 --> 00:17:17,211
Probably
Andrew Dice Clay again.
358
00:17:17,213 --> 00:17:18,446
Hey listen, this might be
359
00:17:18,448 --> 00:17:20,281
the sixth teeny,
tiny, tequila talking,
360
00:17:20,283 --> 00:17:22,116
but thanks
for standing up for me
361
00:17:22,118 --> 00:17:24,952
and not letting those writers
cut me out of your life.
362
00:17:24,954 --> 00:17:27,788
Oh, Max,
that means a lot.
363
00:17:27,790 --> 00:17:31,025
I love it when
you're drunk and nice.
364
00:17:31,027 --> 00:17:33,794
[phone ringing]
365
00:17:33,796 --> 00:17:35,830
Oh, no, it's Han.
366
00:17:35,832 --> 00:17:37,131
Wonder what he wants.
367
00:17:37,133 --> 00:17:38,432
You think
he finally realized
368
00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:40,101
I changed the outgoing
message on the diner
369
00:17:40,103 --> 00:17:43,437
to "Welcome
to Diarrhea-ville?"
370
00:17:43,439 --> 00:17:46,207
Max, I heard
the outgoing message,
371
00:17:46,209 --> 00:17:50,544
and I found a series of Home
Alone-style traps in my office,
372
00:17:50,546 --> 00:17:53,848
each one more fiendishly
clever than the last.
373
00:17:53,850 --> 00:17:57,017
And I don't know how you got
those goats in his office,
374
00:17:57,019 --> 00:18:01,956
but we're having a hard time
getting them out.
375
00:18:01,958 --> 00:18:03,457
What's next, Max?
376
00:18:03,459 --> 00:18:06,193
What will finally
bring me to my knees?
377
00:18:06,195 --> 00:18:09,029
I don't know. A guy who
kind of looks like a girl?
378
00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:12,933
Why are you doing
all of this to me?
379
00:18:12,935 --> 00:18:15,769
I just didn't want you to
forget me while I was away.
380
00:18:15,771 --> 00:18:18,539
audience: Aw!
- Oh, Max.
381
00:18:18,541 --> 00:18:20,107
Now you've
brought me to tears.
382
00:18:20,109 --> 00:18:22,243
[goat bleating]
383
00:18:26,882 --> 00:18:29,083
Aah!
384
00:18:33,955 --> 00:18:36,724
Congratulations, Max.
385
00:18:36,726 --> 00:18:39,827
You finally got his goat.
386
00:18:39,829 --> 00:18:42,396
[whimpering]
387
00:18:42,398 --> 00:18:43,964
Whoo! Aah!
388
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:47,935
Somebody help me!
389
00:18:47,937 --> 00:18:49,370
Cover those nuts.
390
00:18:49,372 --> 00:18:51,405
You may need them
one day.
391
00:18:53,375 --> 00:18:56,544
I like that you're
a bi-coastal bully.
392
00:18:56,546 --> 00:18:57,978
That might be our sequel.
393
00:18:57,980 --> 00:18:59,146
[knocking on door]
394
00:18:59,148 --> 00:19:00,347
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
395
00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:02,449
I invited a couple
of guys over.
396
00:19:02,451 --> 00:19:05,553
Who? I'm kind of seeing
someone-ish.
397
00:19:05,555 --> 00:19:07,321
It's Randy and Bob.
398
00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:11,992
Bob was real?
399
00:19:11,994 --> 00:19:13,761
I thought he was a ghost.
400
00:19:15,964 --> 00:19:17,965
Hey, girls.
I brought some bubbly
401
00:19:17,967 --> 00:19:19,733
to celebrate
your victory today,
402
00:19:19,735 --> 00:19:23,404
and Bob brought a wide variety
of opiates and stimulants.
403
00:19:26,808 --> 00:19:28,976
Oh, I'm glad to see
you two stuck it out.
404
00:19:28,978 --> 00:19:30,711
True friendship is
a rare thing.
405
00:19:30,713 --> 00:19:33,113
There's only one man
I've ever trusted,
406
00:19:33,115 --> 00:19:35,482
and that is
Anjelica Huston.
407
00:19:36,985 --> 00:19:40,187
[helicopter whirring]
408
00:19:46,461 --> 00:19:48,395
Holy crap!
409
00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:50,631
I think God is here for Bob.
410
00:19:55,036 --> 00:19:57,271
Is that chopper for you?
411
00:19:57,273 --> 00:19:59,740
You bet your ass it is.
412
00:19:59,742 --> 00:20:01,342
I'm going to Malibu.
413
00:20:01,344 --> 00:20:04,311
Susan Sarandon
is ordering pizza.
414
00:20:04,313 --> 00:20:06,113
We're doing molly.
415
00:20:07,649 --> 00:20:09,783
Bob.
416
00:20:09,785 --> 00:20:12,519
Will I ever see you again?
417
00:20:12,521 --> 00:20:16,090
Slow down, pussycat. I'm just
getting out of something.
418
00:20:20,662 --> 00:20:23,264
That man sure knows
how to make an exit.
419
00:20:23,266 --> 00:20:26,233
Not from life,
but from everything else.
420
00:20:26,235 --> 00:20:27,701
I gotta go, doll.
421
00:20:30,171 --> 00:20:32,339
[audience hoots]
422
00:20:32,341 --> 00:20:35,476
Bob's gonna
drop me off at home.
423
00:20:35,478 --> 00:20:38,379
Hopefully, I'll land
in my pool this time.
424
00:20:43,084 --> 00:20:47,254
I don't know what it is,
but I'm crazy about Bob.
425
00:20:49,991 --> 00:20:51,558
Get it, girl.
426
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,561
[upbeat music]
427
00:20:54,563 --> 00:20:56,563
♪