1
00:00:02,345 --> 00:00:03,645
(Max)
Hey, Earl.
2
00:00:03,647 --> 00:00:05,580
You girls are back
from Hollywood already?
3
00:00:05,582 --> 00:00:07,649
Time sure does move fast.
4
00:00:07,651 --> 00:00:09,084
We haven't left yet.
5
00:00:09,086 --> 00:00:12,054
Time sure does move slow,
6
00:00:12,056 --> 00:00:15,657
especially when you are as high
as I am right now.
7
00:00:17,427 --> 00:00:19,594
There's a car waiting out front
to take us to the airport.
8
00:00:19,596 --> 00:00:21,263
The only thing better
than a town car
9
00:00:21,265 --> 00:00:23,265
is a getting-out-of-town car.
10
00:00:25,535 --> 00:00:27,536
And I came in to say
11
00:00:27,538 --> 00:00:29,171
there's a car waiting for me
out front,
12
00:00:29,173 --> 00:00:30,439
and it's not a police car!
13
00:00:31,574 --> 00:00:33,108
Ha!
14
00:00:33,110 --> 00:00:35,277
I knew you two
weren't going to LA.
15
00:00:35,279 --> 00:00:37,479
I knew you were just
pulling my chain.
16
00:00:37,481 --> 00:00:39,081
You know,
when I pull your chain,
17
00:00:39,083 --> 00:00:41,616
you go,
"Whoo-hoo-hoo."
18
00:00:41,618 --> 00:00:44,419
No studio would fly you two
cross-country
19
00:00:44,421 --> 00:00:46,555
just to discuss a movie
about Caroline
20
00:00:46,557 --> 00:00:48,323
losing all her money.
21
00:00:48,325 --> 00:00:50,792
That's almost as funny
as that time Caroline said
22
00:00:50,794 --> 00:00:54,362
she reported the diner
to the health department.
23
00:00:54,364 --> 00:00:56,565
Which reminds me, Han,
there's something here for you
24
00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:58,433
from the health department.
25
00:00:59,602 --> 00:01:01,736
Han, we really are
going to LA.
26
00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:04,339
In fact, they're already talking
to the Keebler Elf
27
00:01:04,341 --> 00:01:05,774
about playing you in my movie.
28
00:01:07,343 --> 00:01:08,810
It's between him
and the Asian daughter
29
00:01:08,812 --> 00:01:10,412
from "Modern Family."
30
00:01:12,248 --> 00:01:14,549
Ha!
31
00:01:14,551 --> 00:01:17,219
This is almost as funny
as that time Max said
32
00:01:17,221 --> 00:01:20,255
she registered me as a sex
offender down at city hall.
33
00:01:20,257 --> 00:01:23,125
Han, there's also something here
for you from city hall.
34
00:01:25,128 --> 00:01:27,229
Girls, what happened?
35
00:01:27,231 --> 00:01:29,464
Are you on the no-fly list too?
36
00:01:29,466 --> 00:01:32,334
You hide a six-pack
of batteries in your junk once,
37
00:01:32,336 --> 00:01:35,137
and you're grounded for life.
38
00:01:36,439 --> 00:01:38,106
Let's just go
and never look back.
39
00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:41,843
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
40
00:01:41,845 --> 00:01:43,578
[cash register bell dings]
41
00:01:43,580 --> 00:01:47,282
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
42
00:01:51,087 --> 00:01:57,125
♪
43
00:01:57,127 --> 00:01:58,260
[Caroline gasps]
44
00:01:58,262 --> 00:02:00,162
Oh, my God.
45
00:02:00,164 --> 00:02:01,863
(Max)
This can't be our room.
46
00:02:01,865 --> 00:02:04,432
This is so sweet.
47
00:02:04,434 --> 00:02:06,735
Is that why they call it that?
48
00:02:06,737 --> 00:02:08,336
Terrace!
Terrace!
49
00:02:08,338 --> 00:02:10,405
Staircase! Staircase!
Oh, my God.
50
00:02:10,407 --> 00:02:12,607
Take a picture before they
realize there's been a mistake
51
00:02:12,609 --> 00:02:15,310
and put me back in coach.
52
00:02:15,312 --> 00:02:19,881
These are the only 12 steps
anyone's gonna get me to take.
53
00:02:19,883 --> 00:02:23,285
Now me. Now me.
Terrace. Terrace.
54
00:02:23,287 --> 00:02:25,120
[gasps]
The view.
55
00:02:25,122 --> 00:02:27,389
Oh, I need to get a picture
of me with the view.
56
00:02:27,391 --> 00:02:29,191
This is so awesome.
57
00:02:29,193 --> 00:02:30,859
Our view at home
is just a painting of a view
58
00:02:30,861 --> 00:02:33,361
in the neighbor's apartment.
59
00:02:33,363 --> 00:02:36,198
[camera shutter clicking]
60
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,766
Oops, careful
of that railing.
61
00:02:37,768 --> 00:02:39,901
Three out-of-work actresses
"slipped and fell"
62
00:02:39,903 --> 00:02:42,571
from there last pilot season.
63
00:02:42,573 --> 00:02:45,140
One fall is an accident,
three an epidemic.
64
00:02:46,509 --> 00:02:49,544
Ooh, look.
We each get a pet.
65
00:02:49,546 --> 00:02:52,414
Well, I'm Lawrence,
the hotel's general manager.
66
00:02:52,416 --> 00:02:53,848
I upgraded you.
67
00:02:53,850 --> 00:02:55,850
You were supposed to be
in a room with two queens--
68
00:02:55,852 --> 00:02:57,385
well, three
if I was in it.
69
00:02:57,387 --> 00:02:58,853
[laughter]
70
00:02:58,855 --> 00:03:00,822
Thank you so much,
Lawrence.
71
00:03:00,824 --> 00:03:02,691
That's really amazing of you.
72
00:03:02,693 --> 00:03:04,292
But why would you upgrade us?
73
00:03:04,294 --> 00:03:06,161
[scoffs]
Are you nuts?
74
00:03:06,163 --> 00:03:08,496
That's like asking a teacher
if there's weekend homework.
75
00:03:09,865 --> 00:03:12,434
Well, I heard you were in LA
for a movie meeting,
76
00:03:12,436 --> 00:03:14,202
and, well, keep me in mind.
77
00:03:14,204 --> 00:03:15,604
Absolutely.
78
00:03:15,606 --> 00:03:16,805
For what?
79
00:03:16,807 --> 00:03:18,206
A part.
80
00:03:18,208 --> 00:03:19,708
I'm also an actor.
81
00:03:19,710 --> 00:03:21,276
I'm very versatile.
82
00:03:21,278 --> 00:03:22,911
I can play a gay dad,
a gay executive,
83
00:03:22,913 --> 00:03:25,180
a gay priest.
84
00:03:25,182 --> 00:03:26,881
Is there any other kind?
85
00:03:28,351 --> 00:03:30,418
I can also play straight.
86
00:03:30,420 --> 00:03:32,554
Just ask my ex-wife Beth.
87
00:03:32,556 --> 00:03:34,556
But she really
should have suspected.
88
00:03:34,558 --> 00:03:38,593
We would get into such
knockdowns about the pesto.
89
00:03:38,595 --> 00:03:40,562
- Lawrence, I'm confused.
- About what?
90
00:03:40,564 --> 00:03:43,198
Gay guys care a lot
about pesto.
91
00:03:44,867 --> 00:03:46,768
Aren't you the hotel's
general manager?
92
00:03:46,770 --> 00:03:49,971
Yep, for the last 20 years,
until I get my big break.
93
00:03:49,973 --> 00:03:51,673
So keep me in mind.
94
00:03:51,675 --> 00:03:54,876
Also, Ms. Black,
your luggage is still lost,
95
00:03:54,878 --> 00:03:57,679
like me in my early
f--thirties.
96
00:03:57,681 --> 00:03:58,913
[phone chiming]
97
00:03:58,915 --> 00:04:01,650
Enjoy the place.
It's all yours.
98
00:04:01,652 --> 00:04:02,984
This is Lawrence.
99
00:04:02,986 --> 00:04:04,319
(both)
The place is all ours!
100
00:04:04,321 --> 00:04:05,720
The place is all ours!
101
00:04:05,722 --> 00:04:07,255
Hi. You have to get out...
102
00:04:08,891 --> 00:04:10,325
For about an hour.
103
00:04:10,327 --> 00:04:11,860
Go eat.
It's almost dinnertime.
104
00:04:11,862 --> 00:04:13,762
I'll put your name on the list
at our restaurant.
105
00:04:13,764 --> 00:04:15,397
And I'm sorry about this.
106
00:04:15,399 --> 00:04:16,898
It's just that I have
an A-list movie star
107
00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:19,734
who wants to have an "impromptu
private meeting" here.
108
00:04:19,736 --> 00:04:22,637
Is this like a Travolta masseuse
kind of thing?
109
00:04:22,639 --> 00:04:25,273
I said "A-list."
110
00:04:25,275 --> 00:04:28,276
[Peter Bjorn and John's
"Second Chance"]
111
00:04:28,278 --> 00:04:32,881
♪
112
00:04:32,883 --> 00:04:34,382
Lawrence said we were on a list,
113
00:04:34,384 --> 00:04:35,950
so why are we still
stuck out here?
114
00:04:35,952 --> 00:04:38,586
And don't blame my smelly shirt,
because Johnny Depp,
115
00:04:38,588 --> 00:04:41,656
who's sitting over there,
smells way worse.
116
00:04:41,658 --> 00:04:43,625
Why are you two
still at the bar?
117
00:04:43,627 --> 00:04:44,893
Didn't you speak to Claude?
118
00:04:44,895 --> 00:04:47,262
Which snotty gay guy is he?
119
00:04:47,264 --> 00:04:49,531
Look, not everyone in this hotel
is gay.
120
00:04:49,533 --> 00:04:55,403
But Claude is
hands-down-my-pants the gayest.
121
00:04:55,405 --> 00:04:58,506
I also came to apologize
for asking you for a part...
122
00:04:58,508 --> 00:04:59,974
without showing you my reel.
123
00:04:59,976 --> 00:05:01,376
Come with me.
124
00:05:01,378 --> 00:05:02,744
The Wi-Fi's better
by that fountain
125
00:05:02,746 --> 00:05:04,546
that Whoopi Goldberg peed in.
126
00:05:06,716 --> 00:05:07,949
I'll be right back,
Max
127
00:05:07,951 --> 00:05:10,318
I have a feeling his reel
is real short.
128
00:05:12,488 --> 00:05:15,323
- Ooh, Claude? Are you Claude?
- Mm.
129
00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:18,560
I'm sorry you had to be a baby
named Claude.
130
00:05:18,562 --> 00:05:19,894
I'm on the list.
131
00:05:19,896 --> 00:05:21,596
- Name?
- Max Black.
132
00:05:21,598 --> 00:05:23,698
No.
133
00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:25,367
Yes,
Max Black.
134
00:05:25,369 --> 00:05:27,869
Uh, no.
135
00:05:27,871 --> 00:05:29,971
Yep, that's me,
Caroline Channing.
136
00:05:29,973 --> 00:05:31,473
I'm with her.
We're here together.
137
00:05:31,475 --> 00:05:33,375
No.
138
00:05:33,377 --> 00:05:36,010
Dude, don't make me
hit you.
139
00:05:36,012 --> 00:05:37,579
Max.
140
00:05:37,581 --> 00:05:39,481
Max Black.
Max, over here.
141
00:05:39,483 --> 00:05:40,715
Claude,
she's with me.
142
00:05:40,717 --> 00:05:42,851
Very good.
143
00:05:46,489 --> 00:05:49,657
Just so you know,
I'm not a hooker.
144
00:05:49,659 --> 00:05:51,059
Oh, I know.
145
00:05:51,061 --> 00:05:52,761
Prostitutes don't have
such a tough time
146
00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:54,062
getting past the maître d' here.
147
00:05:55,531 --> 00:05:57,365
I'm Randy.
148
00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:58,566
Sit?
149
00:06:09,111 --> 00:06:10,879
And what makes you think
I would need to hire
150
00:06:10,881 --> 00:06:12,347
a hooker to have dinner with?
151
00:06:12,349 --> 00:06:13,748
Oh, I didn't think
you were a john.
152
00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:16,718
I thought you were a pimp.
153
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,087
- Not a pimp.
- Uh, not buying it.
154
00:06:19,089 --> 00:06:20,989
Who else would wear
five silver rings?
155
00:06:20,991 --> 00:06:22,991
Every straight guy in LA
over 40?
156
00:06:24,693 --> 00:06:27,061
Wow, not a pimp,
not gay.
157
00:06:27,063 --> 00:06:29,964
You're really putting it all
right out there.
158
00:06:29,966 --> 00:06:31,533
You have to be from New York.
159
00:06:31,535 --> 00:06:32,934
No, Brooklyn,
160
00:06:32,936 --> 00:06:35,570
New York City's
trashy little cousin with hep C.
161
00:06:37,373 --> 00:06:39,808
Wow, hooker, hep C.
162
00:06:39,810 --> 00:06:41,776
You're really putting it
all out there.
163
00:06:41,778 --> 00:06:43,044
Can I buy you a drink?
164
00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:48,450
A house?
165
00:06:51,086 --> 00:06:52,620
There you are.
166
00:06:52,622 --> 00:06:54,022
Hi. I'm Caroline.
I'm--
167
00:06:54,024 --> 00:06:55,590
- Leaving.
- What?
168
00:06:55,592 --> 00:06:58,660
Go.
I just got bumped up to first.
169
00:07:03,732 --> 00:07:06,768
[phone chiming]
170
00:07:06,770 --> 00:07:09,404
Livin' in LA
and lovin' my life.
171
00:07:09,406 --> 00:07:10,805
Hi, Sophie.
How are you?
172
00:07:10,807 --> 00:07:12,941
Oh, not too good.
173
00:07:12,943 --> 00:07:15,710
Yeah, I thought
I called Max's phone.
174
00:07:17,713 --> 00:07:19,147
Is that the adoption agency?
175
00:07:19,149 --> 00:07:21,049
Did you tell them
we liked that couple
176
00:07:21,051 --> 00:07:24,519
who didn't plan on a 14th?
177
00:07:24,521 --> 00:07:27,121
No, it's not the agency.
178
00:07:27,123 --> 00:07:30,124
I called to talk to Max,
but I got Caroline's
179
00:07:30,126 --> 00:07:34,095
"my life doesn't suck anymore"
podcast.
180
00:07:34,097 --> 00:07:36,598
Well, Sophie, Max isn't here.
181
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,166
She met this really cute guy...
182
00:07:38,168 --> 00:07:40,935
Max already got laid!
183
00:07:40,937 --> 00:07:43,805
[applause]
184
00:07:43,807 --> 00:07:46,841
That's why I love LA.
185
00:07:48,878 --> 00:07:52,947
Hey, way back in the day,
I was all up and down the Strip.
186
00:07:52,949 --> 00:07:56,084
Now I'm excited if I get
up and down the step.
187
00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,587
Sophie, Max didn't
come home last night,
188
00:07:59,589 --> 00:08:01,556
but we don't know
that she got laid.
189
00:08:01,558 --> 00:08:04,125
Oh, she did...
190
00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:08,162
By a lawyer.
191
00:08:08,164 --> 00:08:12,166
And the verdict is in:
hot.
192
00:08:13,602 --> 00:08:18,006
Hey, Max,
how hung was his jury?
193
00:08:18,008 --> 00:08:19,541
Sophie, I have to go.
194
00:08:19,543 --> 00:08:21,109
We have a meeting
at the movie studio.
195
00:08:21,111 --> 00:08:22,544
Call you later, Max.
196
00:08:22,546 --> 00:08:24,746
I want details.
197
00:08:24,748 --> 00:08:27,148
Helmet or turtleneck?
198
00:08:29,184 --> 00:08:30,752
- Oh, my God.
I'm exhausted.
199
00:08:30,754 --> 00:08:32,153
From all the sex?
200
00:08:32,155 --> 00:08:34,856
No, we went on a hike
this morning.
201
00:08:34,858 --> 00:08:38,026
LA hookups are so healthy.
202
00:08:38,028 --> 00:08:41,229
You exercised?
Outside?
203
00:08:41,231 --> 00:08:43,665
Oh, you must
really like this guy.
204
00:08:43,667 --> 00:08:45,199
Well, I've never had sex
with a lawyer
205
00:08:45,201 --> 00:08:47,669
that wasn't court-appointed.
206
00:08:47,671 --> 00:08:49,270
I'm so happy for you.
207
00:08:49,272 --> 00:08:50,838
And he's a lawyer?
208
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,507
What, like,
an entertainment lawyer?
209
00:08:52,509 --> 00:08:55,710
Yep, he handles Bradley Cooper,
Nicole Kidman,
210
00:08:55,712 --> 00:08:58,880
George Clooney, and...
my clooney.
211
00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:01,716
[knock at door]
212
00:09:01,718 --> 00:09:03,251
Morning.
Got news about your luggage.
213
00:09:03,253 --> 00:09:04,786
- It's here?
- No.
214
00:09:04,788 --> 00:09:07,088
Like a young me,
it's stuck in Detroit.
215
00:09:07,090 --> 00:09:12,260
♪
216
00:09:12,262 --> 00:09:14,729
[telephone rings]
217
00:09:14,731 --> 00:09:16,965
Perry Tyler's office.
This is Quan.
218
00:09:16,967 --> 00:09:19,267
Oh, hi.
219
00:09:19,269 --> 00:09:21,169
Yes, absolutely,
set in stone.
220
00:09:21,171 --> 00:09:23,071
We're so excited.
221
00:09:23,073 --> 00:09:24,706
So not happening.
222
00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:27,942
But our meeting with Mr. Tyler
223
00:09:27,944 --> 00:09:29,777
that was scheduled
for 20 minutes ago,
224
00:09:29,779 --> 00:09:31,245
that's still happening,
right?
225
00:09:31,247 --> 00:09:34,115
Absolutely. Set in stone.
We're so excited.
226
00:09:36,185 --> 00:09:37,719
[phone chimes]
227
00:09:37,721 --> 00:09:39,754
- Ooh, I got a text.
- No, it's me.
228
00:09:39,756 --> 00:09:41,055
Oh.
229
00:09:41,057 --> 00:09:44,258
[gasps]
Max, I can't believe it.
230
00:09:44,260 --> 00:09:46,628
You're hoping the lawyer calls.
231
00:09:46,630 --> 00:09:49,197
I've never seen you hope
for anything.
232
00:09:49,199 --> 00:09:52,100
I thought he'd call.
233
00:09:52,102 --> 00:09:54,235
I kind of liked him.
234
00:09:54,237 --> 00:09:58,673
I went outside in the daytime.
235
00:09:58,675 --> 00:10:00,208
Nina's on her way in.
236
00:10:00,210 --> 00:10:02,110
You know, she's the executive
who discovered me
237
00:10:02,112 --> 00:10:04,145
at that storytelling show.
238
00:10:04,147 --> 00:10:06,714
I'm running behind,
so you need to order me lunch.
239
00:10:06,716 --> 00:10:09,050
I want a kale salad
with a side of kale
240
00:10:09,052 --> 00:10:11,919
and a kale shake, and tomorrow
better book me a kale-onic.
241
00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:15,023
Caroline,
what are you doing?
242
00:10:15,025 --> 00:10:16,658
You're dressed
all wrong.
243
00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:18,359
Yours is a "riches to rags"
story,
244
00:10:18,361 --> 00:10:21,029
a story we'll never sell
if you go in there wearing that.
245
00:10:21,031 --> 00:10:22,830
I have a huge hole
near the crotch
246
00:10:22,832 --> 00:10:24,132
in my panty hose,
if that helps.
247
00:10:24,134 --> 00:10:26,200
It doesn't.
248
00:10:26,202 --> 00:10:30,738
You need to look broke,
busted, discarded from society.
249
00:10:31,774 --> 00:10:33,307
Put on what she's wearing.
250
00:10:33,309 --> 00:10:35,176
Fine,
251
00:10:35,178 --> 00:10:39,247
as long as I don't have to wear
that stupid nurse cape.
252
00:10:39,249 --> 00:10:46,688
♪
253
00:10:46,690 --> 00:10:50,224
That dress looks cute on you,
all three of you.
254
00:10:50,226 --> 00:10:52,326
I know.
Ugh, look at this.
255
00:10:52,328 --> 00:10:55,730
It's like my first day
of kindergarten.
256
00:10:55,732 --> 00:10:57,298
Hi.
257
00:10:57,300 --> 00:10:59,901
It's been two hours.
Is he maybe ready yet?
258
00:10:59,903 --> 00:11:02,070
Absolutely.
We're so excited.
259
00:11:03,405 --> 00:11:06,674
Fine, but these
are about to blow.
260
00:11:06,676 --> 00:11:09,977
So don't come crying to me when
you're blinded by boob buttons.
261
00:11:09,979 --> 00:11:13,081
Something in your shirt
is itching me.
262
00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:17,318
Why is there a joint
in your shirt?
263
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,320
I think that's obvious.
264
00:11:19,322 --> 00:11:22,356
It fell down from my hair.
265
00:11:22,358 --> 00:11:26,094
Good thing you found it
and not those TSA party poopers.
266
00:11:26,096 --> 00:11:27,395
[phone ringing]
267
00:11:27,397 --> 00:11:28,796
My phone.
Where? Where it it?
268
00:11:28,798 --> 00:11:30,965
Oh, I put it here
in your front pocket.
269
00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:33,101
Oh, cool, there's never
room there when I wear it.
270
00:11:33,103 --> 00:11:35,103
See, Max,
I knew he'd call you.
271
00:11:35,105 --> 00:11:36,938
- Well, he said he would.
- And he will.
272
00:11:36,940 --> 00:11:39,741
But right now,
this is Sophie.
273
00:11:39,743 --> 00:11:41,042
Hi, Sophie.
274
00:11:41,044 --> 00:11:42,844
How's the adoption going?
275
00:11:42,846 --> 00:11:47,048
Did you find a 16-year-old
who really let her parents down?
276
00:11:47,050 --> 00:11:50,284
Hey, Earl,
where is Oleg right now?
277
00:11:50,286 --> 00:11:52,320
He just went to the men's room
278
00:11:52,322 --> 00:11:56,057
with the bra ads
from today's paper.
279
00:11:56,059 --> 00:11:59,460
Okay,
I have 45 minutes.
280
00:12:01,363 --> 00:12:02,930
But the thing is,
281
00:12:02,932 --> 00:12:07,068
I still want the baby
to look like me.
282
00:12:07,070 --> 00:12:11,806
Well you can put hair extensions
on anything.
283
00:12:11,808 --> 00:12:15,176
Are you saying
that I shouldn't adopt
284
00:12:15,178 --> 00:12:18,746
and I should keep trying to have
my own baby?
285
00:12:18,748 --> 00:12:22,283
Ohh, I've got go Sophie,
our 4:00 2:00 meeting is on.
286
00:12:22,285 --> 00:12:23,785
That's a wrap for today,
Quan.
287
00:12:23,787 --> 00:12:25,720
Wait, he's just
gonna leave
288
00:12:25,722 --> 00:12:27,288
and not acknowledge
our existence?
289
00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:28,823
I can't believe this.
290
00:12:28,825 --> 00:12:30,925
They're treating me
like they know who I am.
291
00:12:30,927 --> 00:12:32,160
Mr. Tyler.
292
00:12:32,162 --> 00:12:33,461
Hi, Caroline Channing.
293
00:12:33,463 --> 00:12:34,962
We were supposed to have
a meeting.
294
00:12:34,964 --> 00:12:36,898
Quick refresher:
lost my billions
295
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:40,835
but not my plucky can-do
attitude against all odds.
296
00:12:40,837 --> 00:12:43,337
I'm Max.
I'm the odds.
297
00:12:43,339 --> 00:12:46,207
Oh, yeah, you're the sad,
dejected, destitute girl.
298
00:12:46,209 --> 00:12:48,876
That's me,
the destitute girl.
299
00:12:48,878 --> 00:12:51,212
So sorry.
Today got away from me.
300
00:12:51,214 --> 00:12:53,948
Ryan Murphy can talk.
301
00:12:53,950 --> 00:12:55,783
I'll have my office
call you tomorrow.
302
00:12:55,785 --> 00:12:57,018
Call her?
303
00:12:57,020 --> 00:12:58,419
Call her?
304
00:12:58,421 --> 00:12:59,987
Why don't you just
tell her the truth,
305
00:12:59,989 --> 00:13:01,522
that she's never gonna
hear from you,
306
00:13:01,524 --> 00:13:03,891
the movie's never gonna happen,
and like every other man
307
00:13:03,893 --> 00:13:06,761
in this town, you're full of
crap and silver jewelry.
308
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,797
Well, okay then.
309
00:13:09,799 --> 00:13:12,166
So sorry to have
kept you waiting.
310
00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:14,368
Quan, set them up with another
appointment tomorrow.
311
00:13:17,406 --> 00:13:19,407
And this is platinum.
312
00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:23,044
He's really gonna
meet with us, right?
313
00:13:23,046 --> 00:13:26,147
Absolutely. Set in stone.
We're so excited.
314
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:29,483
So never gonna happen.
315
00:13:29,485 --> 00:13:31,219
What do we do now?
316
00:13:31,221 --> 00:13:34,889
Well, as I said on my first day
of kindergarten...
317
00:13:34,891 --> 00:13:36,891
it's recess.
318
00:13:41,396 --> 00:13:42,730
There you are.
319
00:13:42,732 --> 00:13:44,899
Drinking alone at a bar
in the morning.
320
00:13:44,901 --> 00:13:48,236
Did we switch bodies
when we switched clothes?
321
00:13:48,238 --> 00:13:51,172
It's 5:00 somewhere.
322
00:13:51,174 --> 00:13:53,641
Oh, my God.
Maybe we have.
323
00:13:53,643 --> 00:13:56,677
I just needed a few sips
to calm myself down.
324
00:13:56,679 --> 00:13:59,747
Look, I'm really sorry
I lost it on that studio guy.
325
00:13:59,749 --> 00:14:03,351
And I guess running behind
his car and begging didn't work.
326
00:14:03,353 --> 00:14:06,721
Wow, even apologizing in LA
is healthy.
327
00:14:06,723 --> 00:14:09,257
There's still a chance; Nina's
meeting with Perry right now.
328
00:14:09,259 --> 00:14:11,225
Maybe she'll smooth
everything over,
329
00:14:11,227 --> 00:14:14,228
like everybody does here
with their faces.
330
00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:16,464
Oh, Claude, hi,
Caroline Channing.
331
00:14:16,466 --> 00:14:18,332
Lawrence put me on the list
for a table.
332
00:14:18,334 --> 00:14:21,669
And I'm Max Black,
your worst nightmare.
333
00:14:21,671 --> 00:14:24,238
One moment.
334
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,540
So aggressive.
What is the problem?
335
00:14:26,542 --> 00:14:28,943
I'm guessing
low self-esteem.
336
00:14:28,945 --> 00:14:31,679
Not him.
I'm talking about you.
337
00:14:31,681 --> 00:14:34,749
I'm guessing low self-esteem.
338
00:14:34,751 --> 00:14:36,484
Nina, hi.
339
00:14:36,486 --> 00:14:38,486
I didn't realize your meeting
with Perry was here.
340
00:14:38,488 --> 00:14:40,821
God, it's like everyone
in Hollywood is here.
341
00:14:40,823 --> 00:14:42,924
Yes, for about another month.
342
00:14:42,926 --> 00:14:44,558
Then this place
will be as empty
343
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,527
as Keira Knightley's
refrigerator.
344
00:14:48,297 --> 00:14:50,531
So I just talked to Perry,
and looks like
345
00:14:50,533 --> 00:14:52,767
he was really offended
by you yesterday.
346
00:14:52,769 --> 00:14:56,504
Uh, I'm sure people have said
worse things to that man.
347
00:14:56,506 --> 00:14:59,607
I mean, his license plate says,
"Makin' Movies."
348
00:15:00,909 --> 00:15:02,977
Max, you can't have
an attitude like that
349
00:15:02,979 --> 00:15:05,346
and not get buried
in Hollywood.
350
00:15:05,348 --> 00:15:07,281
Nina.
351
00:15:07,283 --> 00:15:08,582
Just ask Claude.
352
00:15:08,584 --> 00:15:10,584
He used to run Paramount.
353
00:15:12,788 --> 00:15:14,455
It's over?
354
00:15:14,457 --> 00:15:16,357
I came all this way
to be disappointed
355
00:15:16,359 --> 00:15:18,392
by a rich guy
in Hollywood?
356
00:15:18,394 --> 00:15:22,229
I could have just seen
a Kevin Hart movie.
357
00:15:22,231 --> 00:15:23,864
I'm sorry.
358
00:15:23,866 --> 00:15:26,867
I better go sign for these
drinks while they're still free.
359
00:15:29,771 --> 00:15:32,740
Claude, Claude, look,
360
00:15:32,742 --> 00:15:34,508
I know you and I
haven't gotten along,
361
00:15:34,510 --> 00:15:35,810
but quick fave.
362
00:15:35,812 --> 00:15:37,578
I need to fix something
for my friend.
363
00:15:37,580 --> 00:15:40,514
Can I just go over there
and talk to that guy, please?
364
00:15:40,516 --> 00:15:42,516
Are you on the list?
365
00:15:42,518 --> 00:15:44,752
I've never been on the list.
366
00:15:49,725 --> 00:15:51,525
I can do this all day,
sweetheart.
367
00:15:51,527 --> 00:15:53,728
I'm a gay rumba champion.
368
00:16:04,606 --> 00:16:06,874
Hi, I'm Max.
I'll be your server.
369
00:16:06,876 --> 00:16:08,709
Today's soup is
"please don't ruin
370
00:16:08,711 --> 00:16:11,379
my friend Caroline's chance,
it's all my fault."
371
00:16:12,914 --> 00:16:15,750
And, of course,
it's vegan, no dairy.
372
00:16:15,752 --> 00:16:17,051
What's going on here?
373
00:16:17,053 --> 00:16:18,853
Sir,
I really screwed up,
374
00:16:18,855 --> 00:16:21,756
and as I screamed
into your muffler yesterday,
375
00:16:21,758 --> 00:16:23,858
I am here to beg
your forgiveness.
376
00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:25,393
I wasn't talking about you.
377
00:16:25,395 --> 00:16:28,429
I meant,
why is there bread on my table?
378
00:16:28,431 --> 00:16:29,764
Give her another chance.
379
00:16:29,766 --> 00:16:31,532
This is the first good thing
to happen to her
380
00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:33,034
since she lost all her money,
381
00:16:33,036 --> 00:16:35,836
aside from the time
the Red Cross gave us coffee.
382
00:16:37,406 --> 00:16:38,739
At least meet with her,
383
00:16:38,741 --> 00:16:41,409
so you can hear
how amazing her story is.
384
00:16:41,411 --> 00:16:43,778
It's a story of someone
not being defined
385
00:16:43,780 --> 00:16:46,313
by all the bad things that have
happened to them in the past
386
00:16:46,315 --> 00:16:48,649
and just moving on.
387
00:16:48,651 --> 00:16:50,985
I'd buy a ticket
to that.
388
00:16:50,987 --> 00:16:52,386
Perry, what's happening here?
389
00:16:52,388 --> 00:16:54,555
Why is there bread
on your table?
390
00:16:54,557 --> 00:16:55,923
This girl keeps trying
to convince me
391
00:16:55,925 --> 00:16:57,992
to have a meeting
with her friend.
392
00:16:57,994 --> 00:16:59,760
I haven't seen a waitress
this desperate
393
00:16:59,762 --> 00:17:02,430
since Shannen Doherty slipped me
her head shot last night.
394
00:17:04,933 --> 00:17:06,534
Well, as your lawyer,
395
00:17:06,536 --> 00:17:08,869
I recommend you give her
exactly what she wants.
396
00:17:08,871 --> 00:17:10,504
You won't be sorry.
397
00:17:10,506 --> 00:17:12,406
I wasn't.
398
00:17:14,042 --> 00:17:15,876
Come back
tomorrow at 11:00.
399
00:17:15,878 --> 00:17:19,113
You guys may have to wait,
but I'll squeeze you in.
400
00:17:19,115 --> 00:17:22,049
Oh, my--
thank you so much.
401
00:17:22,051 --> 00:17:23,684
Now, I have to go
find my friend
402
00:17:23,686 --> 00:17:26,687
before she accidently slips
and falls off the terrace.
403
00:17:28,423 --> 00:17:30,124
Max, hold up.
404
00:17:31,126 --> 00:17:32,927
That was really cool of you.
405
00:17:32,929 --> 00:17:35,396
I'm not even upset anymore
that you didn't call me.
406
00:17:35,398 --> 00:17:37,431
I didn't want to come on
too strong.
407
00:17:37,433 --> 00:17:39,967
Should I not have taken
dating advice from David Spade?
408
00:17:42,637 --> 00:17:45,039
Ooh,
I got to take this.
409
00:17:45,041 --> 00:17:47,441
Of course you do.
410
00:17:47,443 --> 00:17:50,578
[phone rings]
411
00:17:54,883 --> 00:17:57,051
Hello?
412
00:17:57,053 --> 00:18:00,988
Hey, it's me.
413
00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:02,623
Can I see you tonight?
414
00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:05,793
Did you get that
from David Spade?
415
00:18:05,795 --> 00:18:07,561
That's all Stamos, baby.
416
00:18:07,563 --> 00:18:11,098
♪
417
00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:13,667
And you're sure it's not
another fake meeting?
418
00:18:13,669 --> 00:18:15,536
Because Quan called me
to confirm,
419
00:18:15,538 --> 00:18:17,671
and that makes me nervous.
420
00:18:17,673 --> 00:18:19,840
Randy says the meeting's legit.
421
00:18:19,842 --> 00:18:21,075
And turns out
422
00:18:21,077 --> 00:18:24,645
you may have an LA
BF.
423
00:18:24,647 --> 00:18:27,081
Um, he is not my BF.
424
00:18:27,083 --> 00:18:31,986
Because B stands for "boy,"
and that guy is a ma-an.
425
00:18:31,988 --> 00:18:33,554
[knock at door]
426
00:18:33,556 --> 00:18:35,489
Good news about your luggage.
427
00:18:35,491 --> 00:18:38,993
Like a young me, it arrived
in Los Angeles in one piece...
428
00:18:38,995 --> 00:18:40,928
with a few holes in it.
429
00:18:40,930 --> 00:18:42,129
This is you, right?
430
00:18:42,131 --> 00:18:43,531
Sure looks like me.
431
00:18:43,533 --> 00:18:45,699
Max, you packed
your waitress uniform?
432
00:18:45,701 --> 00:18:50,471
The weird thing is,
I didn't.
433
00:18:50,473 --> 00:18:52,640
I guess I'm never getting
away from that life.
434
00:18:52,642 --> 00:18:54,175
Yes, you will.
We're in Hollywood.
435
00:18:54,177 --> 00:18:55,843
Anything can happen.
436
00:18:55,845 --> 00:18:57,711
Oh, Lawrence,
how did your audition go?
437
00:18:57,713 --> 00:18:59,213
I didn't get it.
438
00:18:59,215 --> 00:19:01,115
Oh, well, maybe it wasn't
the right role for you.
439
00:19:01,117 --> 00:19:02,650
What was it?
440
00:19:02,652 --> 00:19:04,218
The Filipino gay general manager
of a hotel
441
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:05,853
who used to be straight.
442
00:19:08,056 --> 00:19:11,158
Next one.
You'll get the next one.
443
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,494
Well, now that your movie's
back on, keep me in mind.
444
00:19:13,496 --> 00:19:15,162
I really am a good actor.
445
00:19:15,164 --> 00:19:18,199
Like right now, I'm acting
like I'm not depressed.
446
00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:21,769
Let's go out.
447
00:19:21,771 --> 00:19:23,704
Let's do Hollywood stuff.
448
00:19:23,706 --> 00:19:26,240
Let's go to the Observatory or
see where Biggie got murdered.
449
00:19:26,242 --> 00:19:28,475
[gasps]
Okay!
450
00:19:28,477 --> 00:19:29,944
Let me just grab
something to wear.
451
00:19:29,946 --> 00:19:31,712
[knock at door]
452
00:19:31,714 --> 00:19:33,547
Oh, my God.
I hope that isn't Lawrence
453
00:19:33,549 --> 00:19:35,015
saying that he needs the place
for an hour
454
00:19:35,017 --> 00:19:38,953
because Ben Affleck
is here with a nanny...
455
00:19:38,955 --> 00:19:42,056
Jude Law is here
with a nanny...
456
00:19:42,058 --> 00:19:44,625
Gavin Rossdale is here
with a nanny.
457
00:19:45,994 --> 00:19:47,228
Hi, girls.
458
00:19:50,131 --> 00:19:53,968
Hey, we've got a lady
that looks like you at home.
459
00:19:53,970 --> 00:19:57,137
Wow, nice room.
460
00:19:57,139 --> 00:19:59,607
Sophie,
what are you doing here?
461
00:19:59,609 --> 00:20:01,609
Well, after Max
talked me into
462
00:20:01,611 --> 00:20:03,177
not adopting...
463
00:20:03,179 --> 00:20:05,079
- I did?
- You did.
464
00:20:06,881 --> 00:20:10,651
Well, I did a little research
on my Barnes and Noble Nook.
465
00:20:10,653 --> 00:20:12,219
Do you want one?
466
00:20:12,221 --> 00:20:15,856
I guess they're just
giving them away right now.
467
00:20:15,858 --> 00:20:17,291
No, thanks.
468
00:20:17,293 --> 00:20:18,959
I prefer to lie about
the books I've read
469
00:20:18,961 --> 00:20:21,228
the old-fashioned way.
470
00:20:21,230 --> 00:20:24,732
Well, it turns out
all of these Hollywood actresses
471
00:20:24,734 --> 00:20:28,936
that are having babies over 40,
like Geena Davis,
472
00:20:28,938 --> 00:20:33,874
Jane Seymour,
Neil Patrick Harris,
473
00:20:33,876 --> 00:20:37,845
well, they're all going to this
big-shot healer out here,
474
00:20:37,847 --> 00:20:42,216
so here I am.
475
00:20:42,218 --> 00:20:44,218
It's cool if I stay with you,
right?
476
00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:46,320
- Absolutely.
- Set in stone.
477
00:20:46,322 --> 00:20:49,156
(both)
We're so excited.