1
00:00:02,812 --> 00:00:04,379
Excuse me, ma'am?
2
00:00:04,381 --> 00:00:05,614
Ma'am?
3
00:00:05,616 --> 00:00:07,349
Well, it happened.
4
00:00:07,351 --> 00:00:09,618
I'm gonna hit a kid.
5
00:00:09,620 --> 00:00:11,253
Would you like to support
my baseball league
6
00:00:11,255 --> 00:00:12,621
for underprivileged youth?
7
00:00:12,623 --> 00:00:14,189
I don't see
an underprivileged youth.
8
00:00:14,191 --> 00:00:16,591
I see a young me
trying to scam an old me.
9
00:00:17,393 --> 00:00:18,593
Sir?
10
00:00:18,595 --> 00:00:21,997
I'm sorry,
I have diabetes.
11
00:00:23,366 --> 00:00:26,001
And I'm not stupid.
12
00:00:26,003 --> 00:00:28,036
Move it along.
13
00:00:29,038 --> 00:00:30,038
It's not a scam!
14
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,506
My friends and I
just want to place
15
00:00:31,508 --> 00:00:33,041
to play baseball
after school
16
00:00:33,043 --> 00:00:36,445
so we're not hanging
on the streets like rap people.
17
00:00:36,447 --> 00:00:39,181
Kid, I started
the candy scam.
18
00:00:39,183 --> 00:00:42,884
I raised $500
for a homeless bowling league,
19
00:00:42,886 --> 00:00:45,687
AKA pot.
20
00:00:45,689 --> 00:00:47,122
Catch this,
Mr. Baseball.
21
00:00:47,124 --> 00:00:49,157
Not the face!
22
00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:51,593
I think I know
which team you play on,
23
00:00:51,595 --> 00:00:54,096
and it ain't baseball.
24
00:00:54,098 --> 00:00:56,398
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
25
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,599
[cash register bell dings]
26
00:00:57,601 --> 00:01:01,803
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
27
00:01:08,044 --> 00:01:10,345
You still shopping on your phone
for things you can't afford?
28
00:01:10,347 --> 00:01:12,814
Who are you?
Everyone in America?
29
00:01:12,816 --> 00:01:15,183
I just add things
to my cart without buying them.
30
00:01:15,185 --> 00:01:18,687
Why not buy one Apple watch
when I can not buy two?
31
00:01:18,689 --> 00:01:20,388
It's called
dry shopping.
32
00:01:20,390 --> 00:01:24,025
So it's like dry humping,
but you don't get anything?
33
00:01:24,027 --> 00:01:25,827
I'm sorry, Max,
34
00:01:25,829 --> 00:01:28,430
but tomorrow's the anniversary
of when I lost my money
35
00:01:28,432 --> 00:01:30,599
and my peaches-and-cream
complexion.
36
00:01:30,601 --> 00:01:33,201
Not my words;
"Seventeen" magazine's.
37
00:01:33,203 --> 00:01:34,736
I need a fantasy life.
38
00:01:34,738 --> 00:01:36,972
I mean, I just thought
you were over all that junk.
39
00:01:36,974 --> 00:01:39,374
You thought I was "over"
losing $5 billion
40
00:01:39,376 --> 00:01:40,575
and my whole life?
41
00:01:40,577 --> 00:01:41,576
Oh.
42
00:01:41,578 --> 00:01:42,611
I guess I was just over you
43
00:01:42,613 --> 00:01:44,513
talking about it all the time.
44
00:01:44,515 --> 00:01:46,581
You need to let go
of your past.
45
00:01:46,583 --> 00:01:50,152
Pickup!
Turkey burger...ish.
46
00:01:52,622 --> 00:01:56,124
If you weren't so busy
not buying a...
47
00:01:56,126 --> 00:02:00,362
three-bedroom townhouse
on the Upper East Side,
48
00:02:00,364 --> 00:02:03,765
you would've noticed that
Mr. Turkey Burger at table ten's
49
00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:05,867
been checking out
your buns.
50
00:02:05,869 --> 00:02:08,403
He is not.
He is?
51
00:02:09,539 --> 00:02:10,739
[chuckles]
52
00:02:10,741 --> 00:02:12,874
Get in there.
53
00:02:12,876 --> 00:02:14,576
Sex is still free...
54
00:02:14,578 --> 00:02:15,777
[clicks tongue]
55
00:02:15,779 --> 00:02:17,412
For women.
56
00:02:18,881 --> 00:02:20,682
Fine, I'll go over there,
57
00:02:20,684 --> 00:02:22,117
but this better not
be a prank,
58
00:02:22,119 --> 00:02:24,452
like when you told me
Bette Midler was at table three
59
00:02:24,454 --> 00:02:26,922
and really wanted to meet me.
60
00:02:26,924 --> 00:02:29,224
It was just
some old Jewish lady,
61
00:02:29,226 --> 00:02:31,526
and she was mean.
62
00:02:31,528 --> 00:02:33,728
That was Bette Midler!
63
00:02:36,065 --> 00:02:37,332
Here's your turkey burger.
64
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:38,733
My friend thinks
you're flirting with me,
65
00:02:38,735 --> 00:02:40,035
and you're obviously not,
66
00:02:40,037 --> 00:02:41,703
so if you could just tell her
you're not,
67
00:02:41,705 --> 00:02:42,704
that'd be great.
68
00:02:42,706 --> 00:02:44,039
[laughing]
Okay.
69
00:02:44,041 --> 00:02:45,507
I will tell her I am not
flirting with you...
70
00:02:45,509 --> 00:02:46,775
on one condition.
71
00:02:46,777 --> 00:02:48,276
You go see a show with me
tomorrow.
72
00:02:48,278 --> 00:02:51,580
I feel tricked.
73
00:02:51,582 --> 00:02:53,315
So...is that a yes?
74
00:02:53,317 --> 00:02:54,449
I hope so,
75
00:02:54,451 --> 00:02:56,885
because I already
wrote down my number.
76
00:02:56,887 --> 00:02:59,254
Um...yeah, sure.
77
00:02:59,256 --> 00:03:01,256
I mean, if it's already
written down,
78
00:03:01,258 --> 00:03:02,924
I guess I have to go.
79
00:03:05,261 --> 00:03:07,329
I can't believe I didn't notice
he was flirting.
80
00:03:07,331 --> 00:03:08,697
What's wrong with me?
81
00:03:08,699 --> 00:03:10,465
Let me get my list.
82
00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:13,134
Hi, everybody!
83
00:03:15,338 --> 00:03:16,705
Good news!
84
00:03:16,707 --> 00:03:18,773
Oleg and I
are getting a surrogate
85
00:03:18,775 --> 00:03:20,942
to carry our baby.
86
00:03:20,944 --> 00:03:23,445
Yeah, doing it the other way
was taking longer
87
00:03:23,447 --> 00:03:27,749
than my stuttering uncle did
to finish his s-s-s-sentence.
88
00:03:29,051 --> 00:03:30,719
Sophie, I hope
you're not thinking of me
89
00:03:30,721 --> 00:03:31,720
to be your surrogate.
90
00:03:31,722 --> 00:03:32,988
Just keep in mind,
91
00:03:32,990 --> 00:03:35,257
you won't even let me
carry your purse.
92
00:03:35,259 --> 00:03:39,294
You think I'd hire a surrogate
that's older than me?
93
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:42,631
Come on. No.
94
00:03:42,633 --> 00:03:43,999
Max is helping me
interview people
95
00:03:44,001 --> 00:03:45,734
this week in my booth.
96
00:03:45,736 --> 00:03:47,302
This is so exciting.
97
00:03:47,304 --> 00:03:49,971
I wish I got to pick
the person I grew inside.
98
00:03:49,973 --> 00:03:52,107
My mom drank so much
during her pregnancy,
99
00:03:52,109 --> 00:03:53,675
I was born wearing a shirt
that says,
100
00:03:53,677 --> 00:03:55,844
"It's 5:00 somewhere."
101
00:03:55,846 --> 00:04:00,048
♪
102
00:04:00,050 --> 00:04:02,183
[clears throat, coughs]
103
00:04:02,185 --> 00:04:04,919
Can we all just admit
vaping is smoking?
104
00:04:06,522 --> 00:04:09,491
Anyway, I'm on the list
for whatever this is.
105
00:04:09,493 --> 00:04:10,725
Channing, Caroline.
106
00:04:10,727 --> 00:04:12,861
There you are.
The show's $20.
107
00:04:12,863 --> 00:04:14,963
My date put me on the list.
108
00:04:14,965 --> 00:04:16,164
I'm sure he paid for me.
109
00:04:16,166 --> 00:04:19,534
He kind of pursued me
pretty hard.
110
00:04:19,536 --> 00:04:21,736
It is, again, a date.
111
00:04:21,738 --> 00:04:25,440
Well, then
you're dating a loser...
112
00:04:25,442 --> 00:04:27,942
and you owe me 20 bucks.
113
00:04:27,944 --> 00:04:30,845
What am I spending my last
$20 on right now?
114
00:04:30,847 --> 00:04:32,347
It's a storytelling show.
115
00:04:32,349 --> 00:04:34,149
People telling
their personal stories.
116
00:04:34,151 --> 00:04:36,718
It's basically
a fun way to find out
117
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,553
which one of your friends
had a stepfather
118
00:04:38,555 --> 00:04:41,456
that was so mean.
119
00:04:41,458 --> 00:04:45,093
In lieu of cash,
would you accept a tampon?
120
00:04:45,095 --> 00:04:48,296
I have light, regular, super.
121
00:04:48,298 --> 00:04:50,865
Everything you don't feel
on your period.
122
00:04:50,867 --> 00:04:52,167
[laughs]
123
00:04:52,169 --> 00:04:54,536
There is nothing funny
about my cramps.
124
00:04:56,505 --> 00:05:00,608
I don't get out of bed
three days a month.
125
00:05:00,610 --> 00:05:03,345
I'll go call a friend.
126
00:05:03,347 --> 00:05:05,347
♪
127
00:05:09,051 --> 00:05:10,785
So by now
I was in high school.
128
00:05:10,787 --> 00:05:13,688
But just when I thought
I'd escaped my bullies,
129
00:05:13,690 --> 00:05:17,625
I met the worst one yet:
puberty.
130
00:05:17,627 --> 00:05:20,929
Oh, god.
131
00:05:20,931 --> 00:05:22,864
Thanks for bringing
the $20, Max,
132
00:05:22,866 --> 00:05:24,999
and sorry you had to spend
another $20.
133
00:05:25,001 --> 00:05:27,268
It figures, on the anniversary
of my father stealing money,
134
00:05:27,270 --> 00:05:29,938
I get ripped off
by another guy.
135
00:05:29,940 --> 00:05:32,640
Well, I'm getting
that $40 back.
136
00:05:32,642 --> 00:05:36,811
I spent more money tonight
than I did in 2013.
137
00:05:37,613 --> 00:05:39,013
It was a high school dance,
138
00:05:39,015 --> 00:05:42,484
and Rachel Mooney,
a popular girl,
139
00:05:42,486 --> 00:05:45,153
pulled down my pants.
140
00:05:45,155 --> 00:05:46,354
That's right.
141
00:05:46,356 --> 00:05:48,289
I got dance-pantsed.
142
00:05:48,291 --> 00:05:51,292
Oh, this guy
just went from Tom Cruise
143
00:05:51,294 --> 00:05:53,762
to Tom Snooze.
144
00:05:53,764 --> 00:05:55,196
(Adam)
In the end,
what I learned
145
00:05:55,198 --> 00:05:58,433
is that I'm the painter
of my life,
146
00:05:58,435 --> 00:06:02,003
and I can paint out
what I don't want to see.
147
00:06:02,005 --> 00:06:03,872
My brushes are mine.
148
00:06:03,874 --> 00:06:07,275
My strokes are mine.
149
00:06:08,377 --> 00:06:10,979
Guess what's not
getting stroked tonight.
150
00:06:13,516 --> 00:06:16,684
Old Adam's paintbrush.
151
00:06:16,686 --> 00:06:20,955
[light applause]
152
00:06:20,957 --> 00:06:23,291
That's got to be sarcastic
applauding, right?
153
00:06:23,293 --> 00:06:25,393
'Cause I feel like I heard,
like, a question mark
154
00:06:25,395 --> 00:06:26,961
at the end of the clap.
155
00:06:26,963 --> 00:06:29,631
Thank you,
Adam August.
156
00:06:29,633 --> 00:06:30,965
That is the end
of our show.
157
00:06:30,967 --> 00:06:32,500
I'd like to thank
all of our performers.
158
00:06:32,502 --> 00:06:38,273
You live the stories
that we live to hear.
159
00:06:39,275 --> 00:06:40,275
Hey, Caroline.
160
00:06:40,277 --> 00:06:44,279
I know,
that was pretty real.
161
00:06:45,314 --> 00:06:47,649
It was real long.
162
00:06:47,651 --> 00:06:48,983
So where are we going
for dinner?
163
00:06:48,985 --> 00:06:51,019
Your treat,
and she's coming.
164
00:06:51,021 --> 00:06:54,956
Actually,
I'm pretty spent emotionally.
165
00:06:54,958 --> 00:06:59,160
Well, we're spent
forty-dollars-ally.
166
00:07:00,229 --> 00:07:02,096
It's just one of
those nights where...
167
00:07:02,098 --> 00:07:03,965
you leave it all
on the stage.
168
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:08,536
You happen to leave
a couple twenties up there?
169
00:07:08,538 --> 00:07:10,505
Let--let me get
something straight.
170
00:07:10,507 --> 00:07:14,075
You gave all of yourself
talking about a couple bullies?
171
00:07:14,077 --> 00:07:16,311
That's not a rough life.
You know that, right?
172
00:07:16,313 --> 00:07:19,314
Well, I know
I'm entitled to my truths
173
00:07:19,316 --> 00:07:22,217
and how my truths
make me feel.
174
00:07:22,219 --> 00:07:25,553
Yeah, but it's not like
you lost a billion dollars
175
00:07:25,555 --> 00:07:28,356
and your father went to prison
and you had to move in with me.
176
00:07:28,358 --> 00:07:32,293
And I am a way bigger bully
than Rachel Mooney.
177
00:07:32,295 --> 00:07:35,163
Caroline has a rough story.
178
00:07:35,165 --> 00:07:38,399
Again, we can't
compare our truths.
179
00:07:38,401 --> 00:07:41,536
I'm sorry, but did all that
really happen to you?
180
00:07:41,538 --> 00:07:42,871
You lost billions?
181
00:07:42,873 --> 00:07:44,606
Five years ago today,
in fact.
182
00:07:44,608 --> 00:07:48,510
And with what I lost tonight,
$5 billion, $40.
183
00:07:48,512 --> 00:07:49,944
Well, have you ever
considered
184
00:07:49,946 --> 00:07:52,280
telling your story
in a safe space?
185
00:07:52,282 --> 00:07:54,749
You mean one of those locations
where you can drop off a baby,
186
00:07:54,751 --> 00:07:57,151
no questions asked?
187
00:07:57,153 --> 00:07:59,320
N--no.
No.
188
00:07:59,322 --> 00:08:00,788
No, I mean here.
189
00:08:00,790 --> 00:08:01,990
Telling your story here.
190
00:08:01,992 --> 00:08:03,358
Hey,
you know what?
191
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,927
I probably have some fans
waiting for me outside,
192
00:08:05,929 --> 00:08:08,496
so I will leave you be.
193
00:08:08,498 --> 00:08:10,198
You're still here?
194
00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:15,136
Thanks for the offer,
but I'm not really a writer.
195
00:08:15,138 --> 00:08:18,973
Or a person who would
come here twice.
196
00:08:18,975 --> 00:08:21,242
Plus, I'm trying
to put my story behind me.
197
00:08:21,244 --> 00:08:22,677
All right.
Well, think about it.
198
00:08:22,679 --> 00:08:24,379
It pays $50.
Here's my card.
199
00:08:24,381 --> 00:08:25,780
You work at Avis?
200
00:08:25,782 --> 00:08:27,048
Oh, uh--
ooh.
201
00:08:27,050 --> 00:08:28,516
That's my other job.
202
00:08:28,518 --> 00:08:31,419
And remember,
you have a story to tell.
203
00:08:31,421 --> 00:08:34,022
And sometimes renting a car
is actually cheaper
204
00:08:34,024 --> 00:08:36,057
than a long-term lease,
so...
205
00:08:38,027 --> 00:08:39,627
I think you should
totally do this.
206
00:08:39,629 --> 00:08:42,096
To finally tell my story
and give it closure?
207
00:08:42,098 --> 00:08:46,034
Yeah, a little of that,
but mostly the 50 bucks.
208
00:08:46,036 --> 00:08:48,836
♪
209
00:08:48,838 --> 00:08:50,838
I'm here for
the surrogacy interview.
210
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,174
Max, we got another
baby mama.
211
00:08:53,176 --> 00:08:55,777
Look at all these woman
trying to get pregnant.
212
00:08:55,779 --> 00:08:58,413
It's like NBA All-Star Weekend.
213
00:08:59,515 --> 00:09:01,916
Here's my resume,
and do you validate?
214
00:09:01,918 --> 00:09:06,554
I've never been validated,
so you're not getting validated.
215
00:09:07,456 --> 00:09:09,023
But I am impressed
you have a car,
216
00:09:09,025 --> 00:09:10,425
so have a seat.
217
00:09:11,727 --> 00:09:15,330
Max, I've been working
on my life story for the show.
218
00:09:15,332 --> 00:09:18,499
"As a little girl,
I dreamt of being a princess.
219
00:09:18,501 --> 00:09:21,936
"It wasn't until I lost
everything that I realized...
220
00:09:21,938 --> 00:09:24,539
that's what I'd already been."
221
00:09:25,541 --> 00:09:27,475
What else you got?
222
00:09:27,477 --> 00:09:29,544
Come on, Max,
this is important.
223
00:09:29,546 --> 00:09:31,846
I've never told the story
about the day I lost my money,
224
00:09:31,848 --> 00:09:33,915
so it's all very raw.
225
00:09:33,917 --> 00:09:35,116
Okay, but just know,
226
00:09:35,118 --> 00:09:36,584
sometimes things
can be too raw,
227
00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:38,386
like that chicken
club sandwich that
228
00:09:38,388 --> 00:09:40,555
buck-kaw'd
at the table.
229
00:09:42,224 --> 00:09:43,658
Looks like my appearance
230
00:09:43,660 --> 00:09:45,960
on the Brooklyn
Small Business podcast
231
00:09:45,962 --> 00:09:48,096
really paid off!
232
00:09:48,098 --> 00:09:49,897
These aren't customers, silly.
233
00:09:49,899 --> 00:09:52,533
These are just women that will
do literally anything for money.
234
00:09:52,535 --> 00:09:55,870
Will any of them
wait tables?
235
00:09:55,872 --> 00:09:57,405
Han, can I go work
in your office?
236
00:09:57,407 --> 00:09:59,040
I just need to write
my life story.
237
00:09:59,042 --> 00:10:01,109
I promise I won't
play with your Legos.
238
00:10:01,111 --> 00:10:03,111
You mean those
little plastic men
239
00:10:03,113 --> 00:10:05,480
protecting his virginity?
240
00:10:08,917 --> 00:10:11,519
Sophie, ready to meet
the next potential surrogate?
241
00:10:11,521 --> 00:10:14,789
Oh, well, the lady
in stall two is out.
242
00:10:14,791 --> 00:10:18,192
Yeah, I just heard
her balls hit the water.
243
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,330
Where is Oleg?
244
00:10:23,298 --> 00:10:25,199
Sorry, I was watching
a YouTube video
245
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:26,801
on how to make spaghetti.
246
00:10:26,803 --> 00:10:29,437
Boy, I was way off.
247
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:32,874
Uh, Sophie?
248
00:10:32,876 --> 00:10:34,375
This is Claire.
249
00:10:34,377 --> 00:10:37,645
You liked that her application
was filled out in pink pen.
250
00:10:39,081 --> 00:10:40,281
Do you mind if I sit down?
251
00:10:40,283 --> 00:10:42,050
My back is killing me.
252
00:10:42,052 --> 00:10:45,720
Yeah, well, your front
is killing me.
253
00:10:45,722 --> 00:10:48,690
I mean, what the hell?
254
00:10:48,692 --> 00:10:50,525
I don't know
if you're aware of this,
255
00:10:50,527 --> 00:10:53,161
but your "No Vacancy" sign
is flashing.
256
00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:56,164
Yes, but once I give this gift
257
00:10:56,166 --> 00:10:59,200
to a lovely same-sex
couple in Tribeca,
258
00:10:59,202 --> 00:11:02,136
I would love to carry
your gift into the world.
259
00:11:02,138 --> 00:11:05,173
I've been a surrogate
12 times.
260
00:11:05,175 --> 00:11:06,941
What are you?
261
00:11:06,943 --> 00:11:09,410
A baby PEZ dispenser?
262
00:11:11,113 --> 00:11:12,880
What do you get after 12?
A free sub?
263
00:11:12,882 --> 00:11:14,282
Next!
264
00:11:15,851 --> 00:11:17,452
Pregnant 12 times?
265
00:11:17,454 --> 00:11:20,822
Must be like saloon doors
down there.
266
00:11:20,824 --> 00:11:22,423
I don't know.
267
00:11:22,425 --> 00:11:24,592
Are you sure you can't spend
more than $200 on this thing?
268
00:11:24,594 --> 00:11:26,794
Because I feel like
it's reflecting
269
00:11:26,796 --> 00:11:29,063
in the pool of candidates.
270
00:11:29,065 --> 00:11:32,166
♪
271
00:11:32,168 --> 00:11:35,169
Which one says,
"Just because I'm at my bottom
272
00:11:35,171 --> 00:11:37,505
doesn't mean I can't wear
a nice top"?
273
00:11:37,507 --> 00:11:40,675
Even your shirts
talk too much.
274
00:11:42,111 --> 00:11:43,845
Max can you be serious?
275
00:11:43,847 --> 00:11:45,747
No, but you sure can.
276
00:11:45,749 --> 00:11:49,550
I read your story,
and it is supes serious,
277
00:11:49,552 --> 00:11:51,786
so I took the liberty
of putting some jokes in.
278
00:11:51,788 --> 00:11:53,588
I mean, "Schindler's List"
was depressing,
279
00:11:53,590 --> 00:11:55,857
but at least
there were still jokes.
280
00:11:55,859 --> 00:11:58,626
You changed my life story?
281
00:11:58,628 --> 00:12:01,462
You got mustard
on my life story?
282
00:12:01,464 --> 00:12:04,232
I added a few riffs
and had a hot dog.
283
00:12:04,234 --> 00:12:06,734
I think your story is really,
really sad,
284
00:12:06,736 --> 00:12:09,370
and it's gonna bum people out,
and that's gonna bum you out,
285
00:12:09,372 --> 00:12:11,405
and that's gonna bum me out.
286
00:12:11,407 --> 00:12:14,275
Well, as I said
to Mrs. Shearson,
287
00:12:14,277 --> 00:12:16,110
who directed me in "Cabaret,"
288
00:12:16,112 --> 00:12:17,912
I don't know how
I could be much better,
289
00:12:17,914 --> 00:12:20,114
but I'm open to your ideas.
290
00:12:20,116 --> 00:12:22,750
All right, let me hear
some of your funnies.
291
00:12:22,752 --> 00:12:24,152
All right, first of all,
292
00:12:24,154 --> 00:12:25,486
we're gonna sit Han
in the front row,
293
00:12:25,488 --> 00:12:27,121
and you're gonna say,
294
00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:31,826
"I'm gonna keep this short,
'cause this guy did."
295
00:12:31,828 --> 00:12:36,297
Hold for what I have to imagine
is a five- to ten-minute laugh.
296
00:12:36,299 --> 00:12:38,866
Okay, all through
this first section,
297
00:12:38,868 --> 00:12:41,202
you're driving
right through Snoresville,
298
00:12:41,204 --> 00:12:44,906
and then you take a slight right
into Who-gives-a-crap-town.
299
00:12:44,908 --> 00:12:48,776
The point is you're driving
a 2016 Ford Bore-us.
300
00:12:48,778 --> 00:12:50,278
All right, fine.
301
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:51,879
I'll put some of your jokes in.
302
00:12:51,881 --> 00:12:54,415
Oh, but I don't want
to attack Anne Hathaway.
303
00:12:54,417 --> 00:12:56,784
Hasn't she been through enough?
304
00:12:56,786 --> 00:12:58,753
♪
305
00:12:58,755 --> 00:13:01,289
And after it was all
said and done,
306
00:13:01,291 --> 00:13:03,624
I looked at my vagina...
307
00:13:05,427 --> 00:13:08,296
And my vagina
looked at me,
308
00:13:08,298 --> 00:13:11,532
and we shared
a knowing glance.
309
00:13:11,534 --> 00:13:16,737
It was as if she was giving me
permission to tell her story.
310
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:21,108
Thank you, vagina.
311
00:13:21,110 --> 00:13:24,078
And thank you
for listening.
312
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,781
[applause]
313
00:13:26,783 --> 00:13:28,549
I never thought
I could get tired
314
00:13:28,551 --> 00:13:30,384
of hearing the word
"vagina,"
315
00:13:30,386 --> 00:13:32,987
and yet, here I am.
316
00:13:34,223 --> 00:13:36,457
Hey, tips are
kind of low, huh?
317
00:13:36,459 --> 00:13:40,928
How'd you like to make $200,
possibly $250, to have my baby?
318
00:13:41,964 --> 00:13:43,231
What?
319
00:13:43,233 --> 00:13:45,833
You carry stuff anyway.
320
00:13:45,835 --> 00:13:47,301
Just as well.
321
00:13:47,303 --> 00:13:50,538
I didn't want our baby
to have that hair color.
322
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:52,907
Where's that waitress going?
323
00:13:52,909 --> 00:13:54,108
I need a double.
324
00:13:54,110 --> 00:13:55,309
A double what?
325
00:13:55,311 --> 00:13:57,278
Double anything.
326
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,714
How's everyone doing out there?
327
00:13:59,716 --> 00:14:02,650
Isn't this a wonderful way
to spend a Friday night?
328
00:14:02,652 --> 00:14:03,918
Hmm?
329
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,119
I'm up next.
330
00:14:05,121 --> 00:14:08,890
On a scale of 9 to 10,
how do I look?
331
00:14:08,892 --> 00:14:10,358
You look beautiful,
332
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:11,926
so they're gonna
be really surprised
333
00:14:11,928 --> 00:14:13,527
when you have jokes.
334
00:14:13,529 --> 00:14:16,998
And our next storyteller
is here for the first time,
335
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,735
reading a tale so epic
that it should be two tales.
336
00:14:20,737 --> 00:14:23,671
And like the two-tailed
Melusina,
337
00:14:23,673 --> 00:14:26,874
a serpent of European
folklore...
338
00:14:28,043 --> 00:14:29,911
She is truly a beauty.
339
00:14:29,913 --> 00:14:34,916
What in good God
is that man talking about?
340
00:14:34,918 --> 00:14:39,287
Please welcome
Caroline Channing.
341
00:14:39,289 --> 00:14:42,623
[applause, snaps]
342
00:14:42,625 --> 00:14:46,327
As he said, my name
is Caroline Channing.
343
00:14:46,329 --> 00:14:48,896
That used to mean
something special,
344
00:14:48,898 --> 00:14:52,199
and I have learned
through the past few years
345
00:14:52,201 --> 00:14:54,568
that it still does.
346
00:14:54,570 --> 00:14:56,570
My father was Martin Channing,
347
00:14:56,572 --> 00:14:58,472
the most hated man
in New York City.
348
00:14:58,474 --> 00:15:01,943
Except for any
Time Warner Cable guy...
349
00:15:04,212 --> 00:15:05,413
You know what?
350
00:15:05,415 --> 00:15:07,014
I don't need to look at this.
351
00:15:07,016 --> 00:15:08,215
I know what happened.
352
00:15:08,217 --> 00:15:09,650
I'll never forget it.
353
00:15:09,652 --> 00:15:12,486
You don't forget the day
that you lose yourself.
354
00:15:12,488 --> 00:15:15,022
[groaning]
Oh, boy.
355
00:15:15,024 --> 00:15:17,024
She's off script.
356
00:15:17,026 --> 00:15:19,226
She's gone rogue.
357
00:15:19,228 --> 00:15:20,962
Where's that waitress?
358
00:15:20,964 --> 00:15:22,897
Double his double!
359
00:15:22,899 --> 00:15:24,732
♪
360
00:15:28,437 --> 00:15:30,538
As my driver drove
down 5th Avenue
361
00:15:30,540 --> 00:15:32,473
and up to my townhouse,
362
00:15:32,475 --> 00:15:35,476
I saw there was
a police car parked out front.
363
00:15:35,478 --> 00:15:39,347
And at first, I thought,
"Am I being arrested?"
364
00:15:39,349 --> 00:15:42,583
Lip-synching to Ludacris
at a stoplight!
365
00:15:44,252 --> 00:15:46,487
But it was my father
being arrested.
366
00:15:46,489 --> 00:15:50,391
I saw my father in handcuffs.
367
00:15:50,393 --> 00:15:54,295
There, in that instant,
368
00:15:54,297 --> 00:15:57,298
I went from princess
to pariah.
369
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,499
[scoffs]
370
00:15:58,501 --> 00:16:00,334
Well, she threw away
a perfectly good
371
00:16:00,336 --> 00:16:02,303
"Pariah Carey" joke.
372
00:16:02,305 --> 00:16:03,938
Shh!
373
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:07,074
Just looking out
for my girl here.
374
00:16:07,076 --> 00:16:08,743
(both)
Shh!
375
00:16:09,911 --> 00:16:13,681
My perfect world
was shattered.
376
00:16:13,683 --> 00:16:17,084
I saw the man who I trusted,
377
00:16:17,086 --> 00:16:20,221
who I believed in
more than anyone,
378
00:16:20,223 --> 00:16:23,624
who read me bedtime stories
379
00:16:23,626 --> 00:16:26,794
and taught me how to tie
my shoes with bunny ears...
380
00:16:26,796 --> 00:16:29,597
I saw my father in handcuffs.
381
00:16:29,599 --> 00:16:32,099
He stole my trust,
382
00:16:32,101 --> 00:16:33,968
my belief in people,
383
00:16:33,970 --> 00:16:35,202
my innocence.
384
00:16:35,204 --> 00:16:39,340
If she doesn't say "virginity,"
I am leaving.
385
00:16:39,342 --> 00:16:42,309
He stole who I thought I was
386
00:16:42,311 --> 00:16:47,281
and left me to find
who I really am.
387
00:16:47,283 --> 00:16:49,550
Thank you.
388
00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:53,054
Nothing?
389
00:16:53,056 --> 00:16:54,155
[scoffs]
390
00:16:54,157 --> 00:16:55,890
We got to sneak her
out the back door.
391
00:16:55,892 --> 00:16:58,893
[applause]
392
00:17:06,868 --> 00:17:10,971
You were so sad
and triumphant
393
00:17:10,973 --> 00:17:12,173
and...so...
394
00:17:12,175 --> 00:17:13,374
[sobs]
395
00:17:13,376 --> 00:17:15,242
Oh, here come the waterworks!
396
00:17:15,244 --> 00:17:16,544
[sobbing]
397
00:17:16,546 --> 00:17:18,479
Caroline,
398
00:17:18,481 --> 00:17:21,248
I know you said
you never would,
399
00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:23,918
but you touched me.
400
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:28,556
That really tugged
at my heartstrings...
401
00:17:28,558 --> 00:17:29,957
or cables or wires
402
00:17:29,959 --> 00:17:32,793
or whatever's in here
keeping me alive.
403
00:17:32,795 --> 00:17:35,796
[moaning]
Caroline...
404
00:17:35,798 --> 00:17:39,834
Oh, you know what
you and I both need?
405
00:17:39,836 --> 00:17:42,436
A hug. Yeah.
406
00:17:42,438 --> 00:17:44,138
Oh...
407
00:17:47,209 --> 00:17:50,044
It's nice, isn't it?
408
00:17:51,413 --> 00:17:53,013
Caroline,
that was great!
409
00:17:53,015 --> 00:17:57,318
I'm so glad I inspired you
with my awesome story.
410
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:58,519
You're still here?
411
00:17:58,521 --> 00:18:00,888
[scoffs]
412
00:18:00,890 --> 00:18:03,457
I'm sorry I didn't
do your jokes, Max.
413
00:18:03,459 --> 00:18:04,458
You know what?
414
00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:05,759
You didn't need them!
415
00:18:05,761 --> 00:18:08,162
I think people sometimes
like to be sad.
416
00:18:08,164 --> 00:18:10,097
That's why there's Adele.
417
00:18:11,433 --> 00:18:13,667
I think I finally
got closure.
418
00:18:13,669 --> 00:18:15,169
It's gone, Max.
419
00:18:15,171 --> 00:18:17,238
Love you.
420
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,439
Love your story.
421
00:18:18,441 --> 00:18:19,640
Thanks.
422
00:18:19,642 --> 00:18:20,908
I'm Nina Spiegel.
423
00:18:20,910 --> 00:18:22,776
I found the whole thing
riveting.
424
00:18:22,778 --> 00:18:25,312
The ups, the downs,
the way-downs.
425
00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:27,515
Ugh, your story had it all.
426
00:18:27,517 --> 00:18:29,850
She's not joining
your threesome.
427
00:18:31,052 --> 00:18:32,686
Sorry, that's usually
what women want
428
00:18:32,688 --> 00:18:34,355
when they compliment me.
429
00:18:34,357 --> 00:18:37,491
Look, I'd like to talk about
taking this to my studio.
430
00:18:37,493 --> 00:18:40,828
You have your own
studio apartment?
431
00:18:40,830 --> 00:18:43,264
Let the wooing continue.
432
00:18:43,266 --> 00:18:45,099
No, it's a film studio.
433
00:18:45,101 --> 00:18:46,500
Warner Brothers.
434
00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:49,703
The Tasmanian Devil
Warner Brothers?
435
00:18:51,173 --> 00:18:54,375
I think we can turn your story
into a movie.
436
00:18:54,377 --> 00:18:55,910
Really?
437
00:18:55,912 --> 00:18:57,611
The Caroline Channing story
438
00:18:57,613 --> 00:18:59,380
deserves to live
on the big screen
439
00:18:59,382 --> 00:19:01,515
for one to two weeks.
440
00:19:01,517 --> 00:19:04,151
Then On Demand
for eternity.
441
00:19:04,153 --> 00:19:06,754
Oh, my God.
442
00:19:06,756 --> 00:19:09,156
Max, isn't this exciting?
443
00:19:09,158 --> 00:19:10,424
I know!
444
00:19:10,426 --> 00:19:13,360
They have Speedy Gonzalez too!
445
00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:17,631
♪
446
00:19:17,633 --> 00:19:19,266
I'm still on hold, Max.
447
00:19:19,268 --> 00:19:20,734
I know Nina's important,
448
00:19:20,736 --> 00:19:22,770
because her assistant
has put me on hold six times
449
00:19:22,772 --> 00:19:24,538
and muted me twice.
450
00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:27,141
Muting you's an option?
451
00:19:27,143 --> 00:19:29,910
Why wouldn't they
put that in your manual?
452
00:19:29,912 --> 00:19:30,911
Hi!
453
00:19:30,913 --> 00:19:32,313
Oh, are you kidding?
454
00:19:32,315 --> 00:19:33,948
I love waiting.
455
00:19:35,083 --> 00:19:38,118
Sophie, here's
your consolation gnocchi,
456
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:41,355
for not finding somebody
to get gn-knocked up.
457
00:19:41,357 --> 00:19:44,258
Oh, thanks, Oleg.
458
00:19:44,260 --> 00:19:48,796
Well, at least I have you.
459
00:19:49,598 --> 00:19:51,265
You know what, Sophie?
460
00:19:51,267 --> 00:19:52,733
I'll be the surrogate,
461
00:19:52,735 --> 00:19:54,802
but if my pregnancy boobs
knock over a street lamp,
462
00:19:54,804 --> 00:19:56,337
that's on your insurance.
463
00:19:56,339 --> 00:19:58,439
That's real nice of you, Max,
464
00:19:58,441 --> 00:20:02,243
but if there's anything that
I learned from Caroline's story,
465
00:20:02,245 --> 00:20:07,047
it's that you can't give up,
even if you should.
466
00:20:07,049 --> 00:20:08,616
Oh, so you're gonna
keep trying?
467
00:20:08,618 --> 00:20:10,384
No, we're gonna adopt,
468
00:20:10,386 --> 00:20:13,053
and we will cherish
this little baby,
469
00:20:13,055 --> 00:20:15,422
even if it's not
technically from us.
470
00:20:15,424 --> 00:20:16,757
Yeah, Oleg's right.
471
00:20:16,759 --> 00:20:19,994
I mean, half my hair's
not from me,
472
00:20:19,996 --> 00:20:24,698
but I love it just as much
as if it were.
473
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:28,769
They are flying me
to Hollywood!
474
00:20:28,771 --> 00:20:30,271
They wan to bring me out
first class
475
00:20:30,273 --> 00:20:31,472
for a meet-and-greet.
476
00:20:31,474 --> 00:20:32,673
But I told them no.
477
00:20:32,675 --> 00:20:34,508
Are you crazy?
478
00:20:34,510 --> 00:20:36,043
You can't pass up
a meet-and-greet.
479
00:20:36,045 --> 00:20:37,711
You can't pass up
any kind of meat.
480
00:20:37,713 --> 00:20:39,179
You're anemic.
481
00:20:39,181 --> 00:20:41,615
I switched the tickets
for two coach seats.
482
00:20:41,617 --> 00:20:42,816
I want you to come with me!
483
00:20:42,818 --> 00:20:44,218
Who needs to lie flat
484
00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:46,020
when I can be squished
between my best friend
485
00:20:46,022 --> 00:20:49,256
and an obese rabbi in row 36?
486
00:20:49,258 --> 00:20:51,125
We're going to Hollywood!
487
00:20:51,127 --> 00:20:56,130
♪