1
00:00:01,511 --> 00:00:03,712
Welcome to
the Williamsburg Diner.
2
00:00:03,714 --> 00:00:06,548
Your lifespan
just decreased by one meal.
3
00:00:07,717 --> 00:00:10,018
[dramatic music]
4
00:00:10,020 --> 00:00:11,586
♪
5
00:00:11,588 --> 00:00:14,756
Would you like to order now or
after that galaxy is destroyed?
6
00:00:14,758 --> 00:00:17,059
[glass shattering]
7
00:00:17,061 --> 00:00:18,894
Oh, dude, I can hold up
one finger, too,
8
00:00:18,896 --> 00:00:21,063
and trust me;
it won't be that one.
9
00:00:22,331 --> 00:00:24,032
Booth one is all yours.
10
00:00:24,034 --> 00:00:25,434
If I wanted to deal
with a guy
11
00:00:25,436 --> 00:00:27,169
who won't even
acknowledge my existence,
12
00:00:27,171 --> 00:00:29,204
I'd track down
my father.
13
00:00:29,206 --> 00:00:32,074
(man)
Makeup needs to complement
the personality.
14
00:00:32,076 --> 00:00:33,975
Sorry,
I wasn't listening.
15
00:00:33,977 --> 00:00:37,746
Mr. Eye Queen's about to show me
how to pluck my eyebrows.
16
00:00:37,748 --> 00:00:39,281
Finally.
17
00:00:39,283 --> 00:00:41,616
I've been telling you for a year
you need to get plucked.
18
00:00:43,519 --> 00:00:44,386
[bell dings]
19
00:00:44,388 --> 00:00:46,154
Pick up.
Fried egg over easy.
20
00:00:46,156 --> 00:00:47,355
[woman moaning]
21
00:00:47,357 --> 00:00:50,192
Correction:
make that over hard.
22
00:00:51,394 --> 00:00:52,627
Max,
that's Earl's order.
23
00:00:52,629 --> 00:00:53,462
Can you?
24
00:00:53,464 --> 00:00:55,197
You know, I could just check out
25
00:00:55,199 --> 00:00:56,798
and phone in
this job, too,
26
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,200
but I promised myself
27
00:00:58,202 --> 00:01:00,435
I'd never grow up
to be my gynecologist.
28
00:01:01,537 --> 00:01:03,371
Earl, I know
you remember a time
29
00:01:03,373 --> 00:01:04,873
where people
still made eye contact
30
00:01:04,875 --> 00:01:07,776
and get the fact
that I was totally dissing them.
31
00:01:07,778 --> 00:01:09,611
It's a damn shame, Max.
32
00:01:09,613 --> 00:01:10,846
Thank you, Earl.
33
00:01:10,848 --> 00:01:14,316
The Mets are down
in the bottom of the sixth.
34
00:01:14,318 --> 00:01:15,984
Now you have one?
35
00:01:15,986 --> 00:01:17,252
Earl,
three months ago,
36
00:01:17,254 --> 00:01:19,621
you thought T-Mobile
was a rapper.
37
00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:25,093
Max,
I want to talk to you.
38
00:01:25,095 --> 00:01:26,094
Well, why not?
39
00:01:26,096 --> 00:01:27,362
Everyone else is listening
40
00:01:27,364 --> 00:01:29,331
to something tiny
and made in Asia.
41
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,435
I just heard the funniest joke.
42
00:01:33,437 --> 00:01:37,105
A guy is driving a car up a hill
and he sees a pig in the road.
43
00:01:37,107 --> 00:01:38,540
Wait.
Oh yes, I forgot.
44
00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:39,508
It's raining.
45
00:01:39,510 --> 00:01:41,009
It's raining,
and there is a pig.
46
00:01:41,011 --> 00:01:42,010
[jazzy music]
47
00:01:42,012 --> 00:01:43,245
I'm listening.
48
00:01:43,247 --> 00:01:44,579
And then the pig
is in the car--
49
00:01:44,581 --> 00:01:46,314
no, the pig
is in the road,
50
00:01:46,316 --> 00:01:48,583
and--I'll be right back.
51
00:01:50,119 --> 00:01:52,420
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
52
00:01:52,422 --> 00:01:54,156
[cash register bell dings]
53
00:01:54,158 --> 00:01:59,394
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
54
00:02:03,599 --> 00:02:05,000
Thank you.
Come again.
55
00:02:05,002 --> 00:02:06,935
Hey, what do you want
to do after work tonight?
56
00:02:06,937 --> 00:02:09,471
Maybe we could go to
that trendy new ice cream place
57
00:02:09,473 --> 00:02:12,073
that only sells juice.
58
00:02:12,075 --> 00:02:13,341
Nah, I'm too tired.
59
00:02:13,343 --> 00:02:15,744
I've been on my feet
since 2003.
60
00:02:17,580 --> 00:02:21,483
Hi, can I get a red velvet--
oh, my God, Max Black?
61
00:02:21,485 --> 00:02:24,619
Oh, my God, Becky White?
62
00:02:26,589 --> 00:02:28,924
Holy crap.
How long has it been?
63
00:02:28,926 --> 00:02:31,626
Let's see.
When was I on "Intervention"?
64
00:02:31,628 --> 00:02:33,495
Well, your hair's grown back
on the right side,
65
00:02:33,497 --> 00:02:36,097
so I'd say five years.
66
00:02:36,099 --> 00:02:37,365
Hi, I'm Caroline.
67
00:02:37,367 --> 00:02:38,600
I'd wait for Max
to introduce me,
68
00:02:38,602 --> 00:02:40,035
but she usually
tells people
69
00:02:40,037 --> 00:02:44,172
I'm Taylor Swift's
slow cousin Randi.
70
00:02:44,174 --> 00:02:45,473
Nice to meet you.
71
00:02:45,475 --> 00:02:47,909
Max, I did not think
you would still be alive.
72
00:02:47,911 --> 00:02:50,445
I owe you $10.
73
00:02:50,447 --> 00:02:51,580
Becky's an actress.
74
00:02:51,582 --> 00:02:52,981
I just saw her
in "Law and Order."
75
00:02:52,983 --> 00:02:57,485
She owned "deli worker
who barely knew the victim."
76
00:02:57,487 --> 00:02:59,487
Yeah, I've done three
"Law and Orders."
77
00:02:59,489 --> 00:03:00,689
Pretty easy work.
78
00:03:00,691 --> 00:03:02,791
They usually find me
in a trunk.
79
00:03:03,793 --> 00:03:05,427
How do you two
know each other?
80
00:03:05,429 --> 00:03:07,295
Max and I waited
tables together.
81
00:03:07,297 --> 00:03:09,397
Well, mostly stood around
and got drunk,
82
00:03:09,399 --> 00:03:11,700
but they paid us.
83
00:03:11,702 --> 00:03:12,867
Nice shop.
84
00:03:12,869 --> 00:03:15,036
Looks like you guys
have a business together too.
85
00:03:15,038 --> 00:03:16,037
Too?
86
00:03:16,039 --> 00:03:17,439
You two too?
87
00:03:17,441 --> 00:03:20,108
We invented an Uber
just for women.
88
00:03:20,110 --> 00:03:22,544
Boober.
89
00:03:22,546 --> 00:03:23,812
It would've been awesome,
90
00:03:23,814 --> 00:03:27,315
except we didn't have
an app...or a car.
91
00:03:27,317 --> 00:03:29,117
Hey, forget about
this cupcake.
92
00:03:29,119 --> 00:03:30,318
I just got paid.
93
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:31,820
How about drinks on me?
94
00:03:31,822 --> 00:03:34,522
And by drinks,
I mean one PBR each.
95
00:03:34,524 --> 00:03:36,391
I guess I could do drinks.
96
00:03:36,393 --> 00:03:37,592
Do you mind closing up?
Thanks.
97
00:03:37,594 --> 00:03:39,194
I'll meet you out front.
98
00:03:39,196 --> 00:03:40,195
Awesome.
99
00:03:40,197 --> 00:03:41,196
Nice meeting you, Brandi.
100
00:03:41,198 --> 00:03:43,131
It's Randi!
101
00:03:43,133 --> 00:03:46,134
[rock music]
102
00:03:46,136 --> 00:03:47,936
Hey, Earl, what's shaking?
103
00:03:47,938 --> 00:03:49,237
Max, I'm pushing 80.
104
00:03:49,239 --> 00:03:52,641
The easier question is,
"What isn't shaking?"
105
00:03:53,776 --> 00:03:55,644
Max, where were you last night?
106
00:03:55,646 --> 00:03:58,346
I had to watch "Carson Daly"
alone and say,
107
00:03:58,348 --> 00:04:00,815
"This show's still on?"
to no one.
108
00:04:01,784 --> 00:04:03,418
I crashed on Becky's couch,
109
00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:05,186
of which--
you're not gonna believe this--
110
00:04:05,188 --> 00:04:07,522
she is the first owner.
111
00:04:10,026 --> 00:04:11,893
So did you guys
have fun last night,
112
00:04:11,895 --> 00:04:15,330
or was it weird because
you've grown apart?
113
00:04:15,332 --> 00:04:17,432
Let's just say
we're gonna be in not one,
114
00:04:17,434 --> 00:04:19,534
but two wedding albums.
115
00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:23,471
Becky can dance her some hora.
116
00:04:24,340 --> 00:04:25,607
Fun.
117
00:04:25,609 --> 00:04:28,576
That's so fun
that you had fun.
118
00:04:28,578 --> 00:04:30,879
Uh, what's happening here?
119
00:04:31,881 --> 00:04:34,282
I guess I just
thought we were...
120
00:04:34,284 --> 00:04:35,583
Forget it.
121
00:04:35,585 --> 00:04:36,918
Oh, no, please.
122
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,653
It's like watching a bird
fly into a window
123
00:04:38,655 --> 00:04:40,655
in slow motion.
124
00:04:40,657 --> 00:04:43,458
Well, you know,
I thought we were exclusive,
125
00:04:43,460 --> 00:04:45,260
for lack of a better word.
126
00:04:45,262 --> 00:04:47,162
What, like monogamous?
127
00:04:47,164 --> 00:04:50,332
You thought we were
in a monogamous friendship?
128
00:04:50,334 --> 00:04:53,568
I'm not even monogamous with
the people I'm monogamous with.
129
00:04:54,770 --> 00:04:56,438
What is the big deal?
130
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,740
You had friends before
we were friends.
131
00:04:58,742 --> 00:05:00,675
Bunch of rich bitches.
132
00:05:01,944 --> 00:05:04,879
You guys talking about
that show, "Friends"?
133
00:05:04,881 --> 00:05:07,816
People always say,
"Why was there no black friend?"
134
00:05:07,818 --> 00:05:10,018
Because no reasonable black man
135
00:05:10,020 --> 00:05:12,520
would hang out
with those people.
136
00:05:14,123 --> 00:05:16,191
He's been waiting to get
that off his chest
137
00:05:16,193 --> 00:05:18,760
since the mid-'90s.
138
00:05:18,762 --> 00:05:20,295
You know
what I just realized?
139
00:05:20,297 --> 00:05:23,765
I've never tried to make friends
as a not-rich person.
140
00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:25,467
You made friends with me.
141
00:05:25,469 --> 00:05:27,168
Against my will,
but still.
142
00:05:28,170 --> 00:05:29,304
Guess what I'm doing?
143
00:05:29,306 --> 00:05:33,708
Motivating me to look at resumes
on monster.com?
144
00:05:33,710 --> 00:05:35,276
I'm gonna make a friend
right now.
145
00:05:35,278 --> 00:05:39,280
There's a girl in my section
with clean-ish looking hair.
146
00:05:39,282 --> 00:05:40,315
Speaking of hair,
pick up.
147
00:05:40,317 --> 00:05:41,883
[bell dings]
Cobb salad.
148
00:05:43,786 --> 00:05:46,654
Max, how's this
for my friend-making smile?
149
00:05:48,891 --> 00:05:50,992
Do you have more teeth than me?
150
00:05:54,764 --> 00:05:57,399
Here's you salad.
Dressing on the side.
151
00:05:57,401 --> 00:05:59,601
I'm sort of a "DOS" gal myself.
152
00:05:59,603 --> 00:06:00,602
[chuckles]
153
00:06:00,604 --> 00:06:02,003
Okay.
154
00:06:02,005 --> 00:06:03,438
Thanks.
155
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:06,975
Maybe we should, I don't know,
grab a couple salads sometime.
156
00:06:06,977 --> 00:06:08,576
The Yelp review
specifically said
157
00:06:08,578 --> 00:06:10,945
I would be ignored
by the waitstaff.
158
00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,982
There's hair in your salad.
159
00:06:14,984 --> 00:06:16,151
Excuse me.
160
00:06:16,153 --> 00:06:18,119
The water's supposed
to be that color.
161
00:06:18,121 --> 00:06:19,654
No, no.
162
00:06:19,656 --> 00:06:21,556
I just think it's cool
how brave you were
163
00:06:21,558 --> 00:06:23,425
to put yourself
out there like that.
164
00:06:23,427 --> 00:06:25,760
I haven't been called cool
since I had a black card
165
00:06:25,762 --> 00:06:28,797
and owned 3/4 of an island.
166
00:06:28,799 --> 00:06:30,198
I'm Rachel.
This is Kathy.
167
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,199
I'm Caroline,
168
00:06:31,201 --> 00:06:33,368
and you have no idea
how brave I am.
169
00:06:33,370 --> 00:06:35,036
You should see where I shower.
170
00:06:35,038 --> 00:06:36,704
[both laugh]
171
00:06:36,706 --> 00:06:38,039
She should come
to our party.
172
00:06:38,041 --> 00:06:39,541
She just moved to Williamsburg,
173
00:06:39,543 --> 00:06:40,842
and we're having
a party tomorrow.
174
00:06:40,844 --> 00:06:42,444
- You should come.
- Oh, you know what?
175
00:06:42,446 --> 00:06:47,015
I'm busy tomorrow night because
I'm going to your party!
176
00:06:47,017 --> 00:06:49,250
[laughter]
177
00:06:49,252 --> 00:06:52,520
I've seen people with podcasts
less desperate for approval.
178
00:06:52,522 --> 00:06:54,022
♪
179
00:06:57,827 --> 00:07:00,462
Max, I had the most
amazing night.
180
00:07:00,464 --> 00:07:02,197
Me too.
Becky just left.
181
00:07:02,199 --> 00:07:03,598
She has to get up
early tomorrow.
182
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:05,934
Not to brag,
but she's playing a dead hooker
183
00:07:05,936 --> 00:07:07,869
on "Blue Bloods."
184
00:07:07,871 --> 00:07:10,605
Oh, so she came here
for research.
185
00:07:10,607 --> 00:07:12,974
Anyways, my new friends
Rachel and Kathy
186
00:07:12,976 --> 00:07:16,277
and everybody there
were so warm and positive.
187
00:07:16,279 --> 00:07:17,479
Uh-huh.
188
00:07:17,481 --> 00:07:19,147
It was so refreshing
to be around people
189
00:07:19,149 --> 00:07:20,748
who were super driven
and focused.
190
00:07:20,750 --> 00:07:21,850
Uh-huh.
191
00:07:21,852 --> 00:07:24,519
And we had such interesting
conversations.
192
00:07:24,521 --> 00:07:25,820
Honestly,
after talking to them,
193
00:07:25,822 --> 00:07:28,423
I felt like anything
is possible.
194
00:07:28,425 --> 00:07:30,725
Oh, you guys did molly?
195
00:07:32,228 --> 00:07:34,596
Now I'm jealous.
196
00:07:34,598 --> 00:07:37,232
These people
don't need drugs to be happy.
197
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:39,334
Oh, so it's a cult.
198
00:07:40,402 --> 00:07:42,203
How did you get cult
from that?
199
00:07:42,205 --> 00:07:43,872
You think the only way
I can make friends
200
00:07:43,874 --> 00:07:45,240
is by joining a cult?
201
00:07:45,242 --> 00:07:46,307
No.
202
00:07:46,309 --> 00:07:47,976
You could also always have gum.
203
00:07:49,411 --> 00:07:50,745
In fact,
they're so nice,
204
00:07:50,747 --> 00:07:52,614
they invited you
to come for the weekend.
205
00:07:52,616 --> 00:07:54,249
- Uh-uh.
- Fresh country air.
206
00:07:54,251 --> 00:07:55,550
- No thanks.
- Gorgeous views.
207
00:07:55,552 --> 00:07:57,151
- Not for me.
- Free food and booze.
208
00:07:57,153 --> 00:07:59,354
I could be in a cult
for the weekend.
209
00:07:59,356 --> 00:08:02,357
[rock music]
210
00:08:02,359 --> 00:08:03,424
♪
211
00:08:03,426 --> 00:08:05,093
[Caroline gasps]
212
00:08:05,095 --> 00:08:07,328
This place is amazing.
213
00:08:07,330 --> 00:08:09,697
I know.
Fancy.
214
00:08:09,699 --> 00:08:11,432
And that was
the first bus I've been on
215
00:08:11,434 --> 00:08:13,902
where I didn't see
an under-the-blanket handy.
216
00:08:15,271 --> 00:08:17,672
I'm Topher.
From the bus.
217
00:08:17,674 --> 00:08:21,142
You were throwing
sunflower seeds in my hair.
218
00:08:21,144 --> 00:08:23,378
This is Lady Marmalade.
219
00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:25,580
People named Topher
shouldn't be allowed
220
00:08:25,582 --> 00:08:28,383
to name other living things.
221
00:08:28,385 --> 00:08:29,484
Please don't make fun of her.
222
00:08:29,486 --> 00:08:31,319
She has seasonal depression.
223
00:08:31,321 --> 00:08:33,121
We both do.
224
00:08:34,590 --> 00:08:37,525
Hey, Caroline,
I'm so glad you could come.
225
00:08:37,527 --> 00:08:38,526
And you must be...
226
00:08:38,528 --> 00:08:40,728
Starving.
227
00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:43,131
Just give me the tray.
228
00:08:43,133 --> 00:08:44,198
[laughs]
229
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,366
This is Max.
230
00:08:45,368 --> 00:08:47,335
Thank you so much
for inviting us.
231
00:08:47,337 --> 00:08:50,772
Yeah, the last invitation we got
was to audition for porn.
232
00:08:52,007 --> 00:08:53,041
Less of an invitation;
233
00:08:53,043 --> 00:08:56,477
more of a shout
from a convertible.
234
00:08:56,479 --> 00:08:58,746
"You girls want to do porn?"
235
00:09:00,883 --> 00:09:03,151
Well, Elaine will
be out in a minute,
236
00:09:03,153 --> 00:09:06,421
so in the meantime,
just be your awesome self.
237
00:09:06,423 --> 00:09:07,622
Isn't she great?
238
00:09:07,624 --> 00:09:09,724
So see?
It's nice here.
239
00:09:09,726 --> 00:09:11,292
And you thought it was a cult.
240
00:09:11,294 --> 00:09:14,963
I also thought peanuts never
touched the eggs at the diner,
241
00:09:14,965 --> 00:09:16,898
but then that lady died.
242
00:09:18,167 --> 00:09:20,068
Welcome, everyone.
243
00:09:20,070 --> 00:09:21,502
(all)
Hi, Elaine.
244
00:09:21,504 --> 00:09:24,439
There are only two rules
in this house:
245
00:09:24,441 --> 00:09:25,807
love one another
246
00:09:25,809 --> 00:09:27,342
and don't talk to the neighbors.
247
00:09:27,344 --> 00:09:28,876
I hate them.
248
00:09:31,814 --> 00:09:34,182
I'm so glad
you all could make it.
249
00:09:34,184 --> 00:09:35,249
Oh, except Jerry.
250
00:09:35,251 --> 00:09:36,818
He's getting Lasik.
251
00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:39,253
He should've listened.
I told him to eat more kale.
252
00:09:39,255 --> 00:09:41,489
Kale is good for the eyes.
253
00:09:41,491 --> 00:09:42,490
[laughing]
Okay.
254
00:09:42,492 --> 00:09:44,392
Now make yourselves at home.
255
00:09:44,394 --> 00:09:45,727
You mean don't pay our rent
256
00:09:45,729 --> 00:09:47,829
and hide every time
we hear someone in the hall?
257
00:09:48,864 --> 00:09:51,265
Elaine,
this is Caroline,
258
00:09:51,267 --> 00:09:52,467
our new friend.
259
00:09:52,469 --> 00:09:53,801
Hello, Caroline.
260
00:09:53,803 --> 00:09:55,637
I've heard
so many wonderful things.
261
00:09:55,639 --> 00:09:57,605
And you are?
262
00:09:57,607 --> 00:10:00,141
Looking for
some dipping sauces.
263
00:10:00,143 --> 00:10:01,476
I'm Max.
264
00:10:01,478 --> 00:10:04,412
A lady who knows what she wants.
I like that.
265
00:10:04,414 --> 00:10:06,347
My ex-husband
knew what he wanted:
266
00:10:06,349 --> 00:10:08,316
to be a woman.
267
00:10:08,318 --> 00:10:10,618
And now he is.
268
00:10:10,620 --> 00:10:12,987
I miss her.
269
00:10:12,989 --> 00:10:15,623
And all my shoes.
270
00:10:15,625 --> 00:10:17,091
I hear you, sister.
271
00:10:17,093 --> 00:10:19,427
But seriously, something
like a honey mustard
272
00:10:19,429 --> 00:10:22,263
or really anything
in the Dijon world.
273
00:10:22,265 --> 00:10:24,332
Whoo, she's a tough nut.
274
00:10:24,334 --> 00:10:25,967
My favorite kind.
275
00:10:25,969 --> 00:10:27,902
Except for cashews.
276
00:10:30,139 --> 00:10:32,006
Max, Elaine is amazing.
277
00:10:32,008 --> 00:10:33,007
Look around.
278
00:10:33,009 --> 00:10:35,309
This is my new
social circle.
279
00:10:35,311 --> 00:10:36,744
This is the saddest
circle I've seen
280
00:10:36,746 --> 00:10:40,415
since my mom peed
on the floor at Wal-Mart.
281
00:10:40,417 --> 00:10:42,483
Can you just admit
it's not a cult?
282
00:10:42,485 --> 00:10:44,118
Everyone gather 'round.
283
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,455
Let's have some
mutual eye contact.
284
00:10:47,457 --> 00:10:49,724
That's nice.
That's just being a person.
285
00:10:49,726 --> 00:10:51,759
Look to the person
next to you,
286
00:10:51,761 --> 00:10:55,129
and open the door to them
with your eyes.
287
00:10:55,131 --> 00:10:57,165
Bitch, that door is locked.
288
00:11:00,069 --> 00:11:01,769
Nicely done.
289
00:11:01,771 --> 00:11:03,071
All right, everyone.
290
00:11:03,073 --> 00:11:05,673
I'd like us
to recite our mantra.
291
00:11:05,675 --> 00:11:08,776
My best is my best,
and that's why I'm blessed.
292
00:11:08,778 --> 00:11:10,745
(all)
My best is my best,
293
00:11:10,747 --> 00:11:12,547
and that's why I'm blessed.
294
00:11:12,549 --> 00:11:14,549
Don't mumble, Connie.
295
00:11:14,551 --> 00:11:16,284
(all)
My best is my best,
296
00:11:16,286 --> 00:11:17,785
and that's why I'm blessed.
297
00:11:17,787 --> 00:11:20,521
Okay, it's a cult.
298
00:11:20,523 --> 00:11:22,523
Little bit.
299
00:11:22,525 --> 00:11:23,925
(all)
My best is my best,
300
00:11:23,927 --> 00:11:26,127
and that's why I'm blessed.
301
00:11:26,129 --> 00:11:28,396
♪
302
00:11:28,398 --> 00:11:29,731
All right, everyone.
303
00:11:29,733 --> 00:11:31,699
Let the sound of the bowls
wash over you,
304
00:11:31,701 --> 00:11:33,501
cleansing you
from head to toe
305
00:11:33,503 --> 00:11:35,336
and everywhere
in-between.
306
00:11:36,672 --> 00:11:40,041
These bowls got their work
cut out for them.
307
00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:43,511
Everyone, close your eyes
and quiet the mind,
308
00:11:43,513 --> 00:11:46,180
and receive
the healing vibrations.
309
00:11:46,182 --> 00:11:48,483
Sound bathe us, Eugene.
310
00:11:48,485 --> 00:11:51,686
[bowls ringing]
311
00:11:53,455 --> 00:11:56,157
When you feel called
to join the bowls,
312
00:11:56,159 --> 00:11:58,126
begin with a soft...
313
00:11:58,128 --> 00:11:59,761
[hums]
314
00:11:59,763 --> 00:12:00,962
[all humming]
315
00:12:00,964 --> 00:12:03,598
I usually begin
with a soft hummer.
316
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:04,999
[laughs]
317
00:12:07,069 --> 00:12:08,636
[mimicking humming]
How are we gonna
318
00:12:08,638 --> 00:12:11,372
get out of this?
319
00:12:11,374 --> 00:12:13,174
Let's just call it what it is:
320
00:12:13,176 --> 00:12:16,511
a cult.
321
00:12:16,513 --> 00:12:19,781
[mimicking humming]
I'm not going anywhere
322
00:12:19,783 --> 00:12:23,050
until I see
what's in those bowls.
323
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,688
I'm hoping
for fettuccini.
324
00:12:28,590 --> 00:12:31,826
I hope it's not fettuccini
325
00:12:31,828 --> 00:12:36,197
because I really don't like
cream-based sauces.
326
00:12:36,199 --> 00:12:37,165
Do you mind?
327
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:39,333
This is important
for Lady Marmalade.
328
00:12:39,335 --> 00:12:41,402
She has fibromyalgia.
329
00:12:42,704 --> 00:12:46,040
Fibromyalgia
and seasonal depression?
330
00:12:46,042 --> 00:12:48,342
You really won
the dog lottery.
331
00:12:50,179 --> 00:12:51,746
All right, everyone.
332
00:12:51,748 --> 00:12:53,748
You may gently
bring your energy
333
00:12:53,750 --> 00:12:56,217
back into the room
334
00:12:56,219 --> 00:12:58,586
whenever you feel ready.
335
00:12:58,588 --> 00:13:01,322
[gong clangs]
336
00:13:01,324 --> 00:13:02,957
We got to get out of here.
337
00:13:02,959 --> 00:13:05,159
What are we gonna do?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
338
00:13:05,161 --> 00:13:07,261
You know what would
save the day right now?
339
00:13:07,263 --> 00:13:08,763
Boober.
340
00:13:10,766 --> 00:13:12,266
- Caroline.
- Hmm?
341
00:13:12,268 --> 00:13:15,169
Did anything come up for you
during the sound bath?
342
00:13:15,171 --> 00:13:18,606
A little bit of the chicken
satay, but all good.
343
00:13:18,608 --> 00:13:20,474
Max, how are you?
344
00:13:20,476 --> 00:13:21,776
Were you touched at all?
345
00:13:21,778 --> 00:13:25,646
In high school,
I was touched by an angel.
346
00:13:25,648 --> 00:13:26,981
Well, technically,
his name was...
347
00:13:26,983 --> 00:13:28,983
[in Spanish accent]
Angel.
348
00:13:28,985 --> 00:13:30,284
Oh-ho.
349
00:13:30,286 --> 00:13:33,221
I know this probably
all seems like a lot of hooey,
350
00:13:33,223 --> 00:13:36,757
but I assure you you'll wake up
feeling refreshed.
351
00:13:36,759 --> 00:13:40,161
And Eugene makes
a hell of a pancake breakfast.
352
00:13:40,163 --> 00:13:42,797
He uses ricotta.
353
00:13:42,799 --> 00:13:44,966
We're staying.
354
00:13:44,968 --> 00:13:47,201
I mean, ricotta?
We gotta.
355
00:13:47,203 --> 00:13:48,803
I guess so.
356
00:13:48,805 --> 00:13:51,105
It'll be like
staying at a B and B
357
00:13:51,107 --> 00:13:54,542
run by a lame
Ron Hubbard.
358
00:13:54,544 --> 00:13:56,110
Goodnight, everyone.
359
00:13:56,112 --> 00:13:58,346
Rachel has your
room assignments.
360
00:13:59,681 --> 00:14:01,716
Caroline, you're
sharing a room with me.
361
00:14:01,718 --> 00:14:03,451
Yay.
362
00:14:03,453 --> 00:14:07,388
Max, you're sharing a room
with Topher and Lady Marmalade.
363
00:14:13,328 --> 00:14:14,929
[scoffs]
364
00:14:14,931 --> 00:14:17,899
Can I ever get
a good roommate?
365
00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:19,634
And do not fear.
366
00:14:19,636 --> 00:14:22,837
Before the night is over,
each of you will have a chance
367
00:14:22,839 --> 00:14:25,006
to make love with me.
368
00:14:27,509 --> 00:14:31,112
And the rest of the satay
just came up.
369
00:14:31,114 --> 00:14:34,949
Before the sunrise,
our moons will unite.
370
00:14:36,985 --> 00:14:39,654
Well, I'm guessing
her moon's not waxed.
371
00:14:39,656 --> 00:14:42,490
♪
372
00:14:42,492 --> 00:14:43,724
[whispering]
Caroline.
373
00:14:43,726 --> 00:14:44,959
Caroline.
374
00:14:44,961 --> 00:14:46,861
Caroline,
where are you?
375
00:14:46,863 --> 00:14:48,262
Caroline?
376
00:14:48,264 --> 00:14:49,797
[knocking]
377
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:54,635
I thought you were
gonna be Elaine...
378
00:14:54,637 --> 00:14:56,504
and I'm not drunk enough
for that!
379
00:14:56,506 --> 00:15:00,207
By the way, the piglet's
popping the snout out.
380
00:15:02,544 --> 00:15:03,978
[knocking]
381
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,415
Oh, I thought you
were gonna be Elaine.
382
00:15:07,417 --> 00:15:09,283
And I thought
I was gonna be dead at 14,
383
00:15:09,285 --> 00:15:11,285
but you can't always
get what you want.
384
00:15:12,688 --> 00:15:14,155
Max!
385
00:15:14,157 --> 00:15:16,290
Max, oh, my God.
Are you okay?
386
00:15:16,292 --> 00:15:18,225
Please tell me Elaine
didn't get to you.
387
00:15:18,227 --> 00:15:20,361
I could never live with myself.
388
00:15:20,363 --> 00:15:22,029
Or you.
389
00:15:22,831 --> 00:15:24,198
[Elaine chuckles]
390
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,767
I'm sorry it took me so long
to climax.
391
00:15:26,769 --> 00:15:30,104
I know I was almost there
for quite some time.
392
00:15:31,373 --> 00:15:34,175
Max, Caroline,
what are you doing out here?
393
00:15:35,010 --> 00:15:36,978
We were just
anxiously awaiting
394
00:15:36,980 --> 00:15:39,613
intercourse with you.
395
00:15:39,615 --> 00:15:41,182
Really?
396
00:15:41,184 --> 00:15:43,084
'Cause unless that bag's
full of marital aids,
397
00:15:43,086 --> 00:15:45,119
it looks like you're trying
to sneak out.
398
00:15:46,021 --> 00:15:47,254
Look, Elaine,
399
00:15:47,256 --> 00:15:49,490
this is all a lot,
and no offense,
400
00:15:49,492 --> 00:15:51,125
but you can't
be the first person
401
00:15:51,127 --> 00:15:53,828
I have sex with this year.
402
00:15:53,830 --> 00:15:57,131
I understand that you're both
feeling a little overwhelmed,
403
00:15:57,133 --> 00:15:59,767
but before you go, why don't we
discuss this as a group
404
00:15:59,769 --> 00:16:00,968
in a healing way?
405
00:16:00,970 --> 00:16:02,803
All right, Eugene,
stay where you are.
406
00:16:02,805 --> 00:16:04,005
You need some rest.
407
00:16:04,007 --> 00:16:05,473
Maybe a little protein.
408
00:16:05,475 --> 00:16:08,009
♪
409
00:16:12,114 --> 00:16:14,148
So you know what?
We're just gonna go.
410
00:16:14,150 --> 00:16:16,017
You can tell
that guy at the door
411
00:16:16,019 --> 00:16:18,085
he can just step aside
so we can, you know,
412
00:16:18,087 --> 00:16:20,154
start running.
413
00:16:20,156 --> 00:16:22,790
Caroline, you are
free to go at any time.
414
00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:24,258
So we can go right now?
415
00:16:24,260 --> 00:16:25,693
No.
416
00:16:25,695 --> 00:16:28,362
Caroline, why don't you
sit here, and Rachel,
417
00:16:28,364 --> 00:16:31,599
bring Max over by the gong.
418
00:16:31,601 --> 00:16:35,636
Siri, remind me
to patent a gong bong.
419
00:16:35,638 --> 00:16:38,339
Also remind me
to get a phone with Siri.
420
00:16:39,775 --> 00:16:44,011
Now, I know some of you have not
yet laid with me tonight...
421
00:16:46,114 --> 00:16:47,481
But it's come to my attention
422
00:16:47,483 --> 00:16:49,316
that we have an N.N.
in our midst.
423
00:16:49,318 --> 00:16:50,117
[all gasp]
424
00:16:50,119 --> 00:16:51,118
- What?
- Who?
425
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,587
Quick Q on the N.N.
426
00:16:53,589 --> 00:16:56,724
Do either of those Ns
stand for nachos?
427
00:16:58,060 --> 00:17:00,528
N.N. stands for Negative Nelly.
428
00:17:00,530 --> 00:17:02,663
Negative Nancy
was already trademarked
429
00:17:02,665 --> 00:17:06,333
by another group
run by my ex-husband, Nancy.
430
00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:12,373
Caroline, do you have any idea
who this N.N. could be?
431
00:17:12,375 --> 00:17:17,211
I believe it's "whom"
and no, I don't.
432
00:17:17,213 --> 00:17:19,647
Caroline, are you
where you want to be in life?
433
00:17:19,649 --> 00:17:21,749
Oh, God, no.
434
00:17:21,751 --> 00:17:26,153
And would you say there's
someone holding you back?
435
00:17:27,522 --> 00:17:28,589
Well, I do feel like
436
00:17:28,591 --> 00:17:31,025
hearing about Amy Schumer
every day
437
00:17:31,027 --> 00:17:34,361
makes me feel
a little "less than."
438
00:17:34,363 --> 00:17:36,897
Caroline,
is there someone in this room
439
00:17:36,899 --> 00:17:41,669
who you brought
with brown hair
440
00:17:41,671 --> 00:17:43,370
whose Negative Nelly-ness
441
00:17:43,372 --> 00:17:47,741
is blocking you
in ways you don't even realize?
442
00:17:48,743 --> 00:17:52,113
Wait a minute.
443
00:17:52,115 --> 00:17:54,782
I'm starting to think
this is about me.
444
00:17:54,784 --> 00:17:58,419
Just having spent
a few short hours with Max
445
00:17:58,421 --> 00:18:01,188
and recording
all your conversations...
446
00:18:02,858 --> 00:18:04,258
It's pretty clear
447
00:18:04,260 --> 00:18:06,560
that she is undermining
your path to success
448
00:18:06,562 --> 00:18:09,096
with her wisecracks
and wordplay.
449
00:18:09,098 --> 00:18:10,331
Look.
450
00:18:10,333 --> 00:18:14,668
Max might seem negative,
because she is,
451
00:18:14,670 --> 00:18:16,604
but you would be, too,
if you were her.
452
00:18:16,606 --> 00:18:21,175
She's been neglected, rejected,
knocked down, and spat on.
453
00:18:21,177 --> 00:18:24,044
Some of that was consensual.
454
00:18:24,046 --> 00:18:25,045
See?
455
00:18:25,047 --> 00:18:27,314
That was positive.
456
00:18:27,316 --> 00:18:29,884
So you will give up all these
potential connections
457
00:18:29,886 --> 00:18:31,218
just for her?
458
00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:34,288
Caroline, I used to
live in Jersey City,
459
00:18:34,290 --> 00:18:37,825
and now I live in a better
part of New Jersey.
460
00:18:39,394 --> 00:18:41,896
Elaine, I thought I needed
to make new friends,
461
00:18:41,898 --> 00:18:43,164
and that's how I wound up here,
462
00:18:43,166 --> 00:18:46,000
but turns out
all I needed was Max.
463
00:18:46,002 --> 00:18:47,868
I'll take my chances with her.
464
00:18:47,870 --> 00:18:49,770
[chuckles]
Huge mistake.
465
00:18:49,772 --> 00:18:52,106
Huge.
466
00:18:52,108 --> 00:18:53,874
Well, then you're free to go.
467
00:18:53,876 --> 00:18:55,609
Just need to settle up
your bill.
468
00:18:55,611 --> 00:18:58,412
This weekend is only free
for friends.
469
00:18:58,414 --> 00:18:59,880
Rachel.
470
00:18:59,882 --> 00:19:03,584
I ate $700 worth
of shrimp?
471
00:19:05,153 --> 00:19:07,922
That seems about right.
472
00:19:07,924 --> 00:19:09,423
We can't pay that.
473
00:19:09,425 --> 00:19:12,326
Is there a ship we can scrub?
474
00:19:12,328 --> 00:19:15,963
Or a gay celebrity
we can marry?
475
00:19:15,965 --> 00:19:18,632
Don't worry.
I'll settle up with Elaine.
476
00:19:18,634 --> 00:19:22,369
Do you accept
nature's credit card?
477
00:19:24,773 --> 00:19:26,240
Get out.
478
00:19:26,242 --> 00:19:31,278
♪
479
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,914
(Caroline)
I can't believe the only way
I can make a friend
480
00:19:33,916 --> 00:19:35,716
is to join a cult.
481
00:19:35,718 --> 00:19:38,452
(Max)
Well, you made friends with me,
and I'm not in a cult...
482
00:19:38,454 --> 00:19:40,087
anymore.
483
00:19:40,089 --> 00:19:43,757
(Caroline)
Max, are you and I gonna be like
you and Becky someday?
484
00:19:43,759 --> 00:19:46,060
(Max)
Not unless one of us gets
really, really,
485
00:19:46,062 --> 00:19:48,596
I mean, so much cooler.
486
00:19:48,598 --> 00:19:50,364
(Caroline)
I'm serious.
487
00:19:50,366 --> 00:19:53,167
Am I gonna be just some waitress
you used to know?
488
00:19:53,169 --> 00:19:54,568
'Cause that would kill me.
489
00:19:54,570 --> 00:19:55,869
[Max sighs]
490
00:19:55,871 --> 00:19:57,605
(Max)
I don't think of you
that way at all.
491
00:19:57,607 --> 00:19:59,673
- Aww.
- I mean as a waitress.
492
00:19:59,675 --> 00:20:01,675
(Max)
Look, yes,
Becky and I worked together,
493
00:20:01,677 --> 00:20:03,611
and yes, we had kind of
a business dream, too,
494
00:20:03,613 --> 00:20:06,213
but you and I have so much more
than that.
495
00:20:06,215 --> 00:20:08,682
You and I are about to die
in the woods.
496
00:20:08,684 --> 00:20:10,150
Look.
497
00:20:10,152 --> 00:20:11,518
(Caroline)
We are getting in that car
498
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:15,155
even if this guy
has a hook for a hand.
499
00:20:15,157 --> 00:20:16,457
(Oleg)
Wazzup?
500
00:20:16,459 --> 00:20:18,259
(Sophie)
Hey, girls.
501
00:20:18,261 --> 00:20:20,294
(Caroline)
I never thought
I'd be happy to see Oleg
502
00:20:20,296 --> 00:20:21,996
on a dark road at night.
503
00:20:21,998 --> 00:20:24,598
Sophie, what are you guys
doing here?
504
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,534
Oh, well, Max texted me
her location.
505
00:20:27,536 --> 00:20:29,670
Said if I didn't
hear back from her,
506
00:20:29,672 --> 00:20:33,440
you'd been abducted by the cult
and to come rescue you.
507
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:35,242
I was in a cult once.
508
00:20:35,244 --> 00:20:37,244
It's called Avon.
509
00:20:40,515 --> 00:20:44,018
So you were so certain
I couldn't make a normal friend
510
00:20:44,020 --> 00:20:45,719
you had an escape plan?
511
00:20:45,721 --> 00:20:48,222
Hey, sometimes
my negativity pays off.
512
00:20:48,224 --> 00:20:50,724
Sometimes it gets me
in mall jail.
513
00:20:50,726 --> 00:20:56,363
♪