1
00:00:01,244 --> 00:00:04,146
Got a marriage proposal
in the diner.
2
00:00:04,148 --> 00:00:07,215
Where they gonna honeymoon--
a Porta-Potty?
3
00:00:07,217 --> 00:00:09,117
That's the saddest thing
I ever seen,
4
00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:13,021
and I was at a Rolling Stones
concert last night.
5
00:00:13,023 --> 00:00:15,057
The guy wants me to put
this ring her pie.
6
00:00:15,059 --> 00:00:16,525
'Cause you know what they say--
7
00:00:16,527 --> 00:00:20,195
If you like it, then you gotta
put a ring in it.
8
00:00:20,197 --> 00:00:22,230
Well, this is a first.
9
00:00:22,232 --> 00:00:24,933
A guy left me a half
a tuna sandwich as a tip.
10
00:00:24,935 --> 00:00:29,037
Which is still more
than Europeans leave.
11
00:00:29,039 --> 00:00:31,506
There's a proposal
at table 40,
12
00:00:31,508 --> 00:00:33,341
and you have to do it.
13
00:00:33,343 --> 00:00:37,045
I already delivered
a baby in here today.
14
00:00:37,047 --> 00:00:39,181
Well, they've obviously
been dating a while,
15
00:00:39,183 --> 00:00:41,883
'cause she's eating carbs
in front of him.
16
00:00:41,885 --> 00:00:44,219
Caroline
is so happy right now.
17
00:00:44,221 --> 00:00:46,621
She still believes
in all that love crap.
18
00:00:46,623 --> 00:00:50,625
Uh, she also believes
table 14 is table 40.
19
00:00:50,627 --> 00:00:52,494
Here's your pie.
20
00:00:52,496 --> 00:00:57,132
I have a feeling this dessert
is gonna be extra-sweet.
21
00:00:59,502 --> 00:01:01,603
It's an engagement ring!
22
00:01:01,605 --> 00:01:04,739
He hid it in the pie!
23
00:01:04,741 --> 00:01:07,042
Yes! Yes, I'll marry you.
24
00:01:07,044 --> 00:01:08,877
I know I said I was
cool with waiting,
25
00:01:08,879 --> 00:01:11,313
but I wasn't cool with it!
26
00:01:12,548 --> 00:01:16,518
Yep. She messed up.
This isn't yours.
27
00:01:17,887 --> 00:01:22,057
Um...again.
I'm cool with waiting.
28
00:01:22,059 --> 00:01:25,494
And for you two,
pie on the house,
29
00:01:25,496 --> 00:01:29,131
and I'm guessing a very
tense cab ride home.
30
00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:30,765
♪
31
00:01:30,767 --> 00:01:32,801
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
32
00:01:32,803 --> 00:01:34,302
[cash register bell dings]
33
00:01:34,304 --> 00:01:38,340
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
34
00:01:44,413 --> 00:01:46,515
Where's Earl?
He isn't here yet,
35
00:01:46,517 --> 00:01:47,949
and I'm worried.
36
00:01:47,951 --> 00:01:51,386
Wait--it's not
a black holiday, is it?
37
00:01:51,388 --> 00:01:54,756
Earl better not be dead,
or I'll kill him.
38
00:01:54,758 --> 00:01:56,892
We have a joint
suicide pact.
39
00:01:56,894 --> 00:01:59,761
We smoke a joint
and then we kill ourselves.
40
00:01:59,763 --> 00:02:03,098
He's probably just late.
Don't overreact.
41
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:05,767
That's exactly what Janine
at 911 said ten minutes ago
42
00:02:05,769 --> 00:02:08,003
when I overreacted
with her!
43
00:02:08,005 --> 00:02:09,538
You called 911?
44
00:02:09,540 --> 00:02:11,706
When I came home
three hours late last night,
45
00:02:11,708 --> 00:02:15,010
you had already put
all my stuff out on the street.
46
00:02:15,012 --> 00:02:17,279
Hi, everybody!
47
00:02:18,748 --> 00:02:21,516
Wait a minute--
where's Earl?
48
00:02:21,518 --> 00:02:23,451
It's not as much fun
walking in here
49
00:02:23,453 --> 00:02:27,289
if he's not down there
looking up at my boobs.
50
00:02:27,291 --> 00:02:29,124
He's late.
51
00:02:29,126 --> 00:02:30,792
[gasps]
Late?
52
00:02:30,794 --> 00:02:32,861
Oh...I'm sorry, Max.
53
00:02:32,863 --> 00:02:36,364
I know you two
were close.
54
00:02:36,366 --> 00:02:39,034
See? That's the kind of
sympathy I was looking for
55
00:02:39,036 --> 00:02:42,070
from you and Janine.
56
00:02:42,072 --> 00:02:43,939
Sophie,
what's with those needles?
57
00:02:43,941 --> 00:02:47,175
Oh, yeah--I'm getting ready
to shoot up.
58
00:02:47,177 --> 00:02:50,178
Sophie's starting
her fertility shots today.
59
00:02:50,180 --> 00:02:52,047
Before long,
we'll be parents.
60
00:02:52,049 --> 00:02:53,782
Look out, PTA meetings...
61
00:02:53,784 --> 00:02:57,319
I'll bring the P.
She'll bring the T&A.
62
00:02:57,321 --> 00:02:59,454
All right, come on, Oleg.
I'm ready for my first shot.
63
00:02:59,456 --> 00:03:01,122
Come on, let's go
to the ladies' room
64
00:03:01,124 --> 00:03:03,191
so you can poke me
real good.
65
00:03:03,193 --> 00:03:06,528
You're not poking her
anywhere in here.
66
00:03:06,530 --> 00:03:11,233
Thanks to you, the handicap
stall is a condom graveyard!
67
00:03:11,235 --> 00:03:14,202
Sophie, you know I'm only
afraid of two things--
68
00:03:14,204 --> 00:03:18,206
needles and Kenny Rogers
after the eyelift.
69
00:03:18,208 --> 00:03:21,009
He did not know
when to fold 'em.
70
00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:24,779
Someone else will have to
give you your shots.
71
00:03:24,781 --> 00:03:26,648
Well, I guess I could do it.
72
00:03:26,650 --> 00:03:28,049
Roll up your sleeve.
73
00:03:28,051 --> 00:03:30,185
Okay, yeah.
74
00:03:30,187 --> 00:03:33,221
I'll roll up my sleeve...
and then pull down my Spanx,
75
00:03:33,223 --> 00:03:37,592
'cause you gotta put it
where the sun don't shine, baby.
76
00:03:37,594 --> 00:03:40,228
Uh...this is a little
awkward, but Sophie,
77
00:03:40,230 --> 00:03:45,066
I was unaware I'd be
injecting your badonkadonk.
78
00:03:45,068 --> 00:03:46,835
Okay, Han.
79
00:03:46,837 --> 00:03:49,271
Take my hand...
80
00:03:49,273 --> 00:03:51,506
That's right.
Mm-hmm.
81
00:03:51,508 --> 00:03:53,975
That's real good.
All right, come on.
82
00:03:53,977 --> 00:03:55,377
And I'm gonna take you now
83
00:03:55,379 --> 00:03:58,647
to show you
your first lady butt.
84
00:04:03,853 --> 00:04:05,453
Now, there's
a heart-warming tableau
85
00:04:05,455 --> 00:04:08,189
that Norman Rockwell
somehow missed.
86
00:04:08,191 --> 00:04:10,525
Hello, ladies.
87
00:04:10,527 --> 00:04:13,628
Earl!
I'm so glad you're alive.
88
00:04:13,630 --> 00:04:17,065
You always go
straight to dead, Max.
89
00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:19,634
But thanks for sending
the paramedics.
90
00:04:19,636 --> 00:04:23,371
I needed help finding
my Apple TV remote.
91
00:04:24,573 --> 00:04:26,574
I was stuck on the phone
with Barry
92
00:04:26,576 --> 00:04:29,311
from my old jazz band
The Early Birds.
93
00:04:29,313 --> 00:04:32,480
You may have read about us
in "Never Made It" magazine.
94
00:04:32,482 --> 00:04:36,418
Caroline and I were on
the cover last week.
95
00:04:36,420 --> 00:04:38,853
He told me they're holding
an anniversary show
96
00:04:38,855 --> 00:04:40,255
down at Ruby's,
97
00:04:40,257 --> 00:04:42,157
and The Early Birds
are invited to perform
98
00:04:42,159 --> 00:04:43,658
on Friday night.
99
00:04:43,660 --> 00:04:46,061
[gasps]
Earl!
100
00:04:46,063 --> 00:04:49,564
One of my dreams
is to hear you play live.
101
00:04:49,566 --> 00:04:51,199
And the other one
already happened--
102
00:04:51,201 --> 00:04:54,302
breakfast all day
at McDonald's.
103
00:04:54,304 --> 00:04:56,371
Well, I hate to burst
your McMuffin, Max,
104
00:04:56,373 --> 00:04:58,039
but that ain't
gonna happen,
105
00:04:58,041 --> 00:04:59,974
'cause I'm not
invited to play.
106
00:04:59,976 --> 00:05:01,843
Ruby doesn't want me
there.
107
00:05:01,845 --> 00:05:03,812
Ruby hates Earl.
108
00:05:03,814 --> 00:05:06,915
Well, then Max hates Ruby.
109
00:05:06,917 --> 00:05:09,851
Oh! What happened
between you and Ruby?
110
00:05:09,853 --> 00:05:11,953
Was it a crazy
love affair?
111
00:05:11,955 --> 00:05:15,256
Mm-hmm. We were hot.
112
00:05:15,258 --> 00:05:17,859
Oh! An amour fou?
113
00:05:17,861 --> 00:05:21,329
No, it was a-more I fooled
around with her sister.
114
00:05:26,702 --> 00:05:29,571
Look! [gasps]
Earl and The Early Birds!
115
00:05:29,573 --> 00:05:32,006
- Where'd you get that?
- I went down the street
116
00:05:32,008 --> 00:05:33,908
to Smart & Vinyl.
117
00:05:33,910 --> 00:05:35,410
12.95.
118
00:05:35,412 --> 00:05:37,512
You spent 12.95
on Earl's record,
119
00:05:37,514 --> 00:05:42,617
but you wouldn't lend me
25¢ for a latte yesterday?
120
00:05:42,619 --> 00:05:44,786
Look, we gotta do
something about Earl.
121
00:05:44,788 --> 00:05:46,788
He deserves to play
at that jazz club.
122
00:05:46,790 --> 00:05:49,124
I mean, he is the only one
at this diner
123
00:05:49,126 --> 00:05:51,493
who has a chance
to make it.
124
00:05:52,862 --> 00:05:55,497
I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but of all of us here,
125
00:05:55,499 --> 00:05:59,367
you think the 80-year-old
has the brightest future?
126
00:05:59,369 --> 00:06:00,935
For as long as
I've known Earl,
127
00:06:00,937 --> 00:06:03,238
all he talked about is how proud
he was of that band.
128
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:04,572
And that Ruby woman
129
00:06:04,574 --> 00:06:07,008
is denying him the chance
to play again?
130
00:06:07,010 --> 00:06:08,276
Not on my watch.
131
00:06:08,278 --> 00:06:10,078
If I own one.
132
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,415
Which...I do not.
133
00:06:13,417 --> 00:06:14,649
We are going down
to that club
134
00:06:14,651 --> 00:06:16,451
and talk some sense
into Ruby,
135
00:06:16,453 --> 00:06:19,320
because Earl would do the same
for us if we had any talent.
136
00:06:19,322 --> 00:06:20,855
I just have to ask--
137
00:06:20,857 --> 00:06:23,291
you do think we're gonna
get out of here one day.
138
00:06:23,293 --> 00:06:24,692
Oh, for sure!
139
00:06:24,694 --> 00:06:27,328
In body bags.
140
00:06:35,571 --> 00:06:38,039
Wow, this place
is the real deal!
141
00:06:38,041 --> 00:06:40,308
All the jazz greats
sang here.
142
00:06:40,310 --> 00:06:43,778
Look--Ella Fitzgerald,
Sarah Vaughan, Nina Simone.
143
00:06:43,780 --> 00:06:45,580
You know, there was a moment
when I wanted to be--
144
00:06:45,582 --> 00:06:48,516
Was there ever a moment
when you wanted to be quiet?
145
00:06:50,052 --> 00:06:52,487
Scotch on the house, please.
146
00:06:52,489 --> 00:06:54,856
Normally, I don't drink
in the afternoon,
147
00:06:54,858 --> 00:06:56,825
but it's still morning.
148
00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,994
I'll have a Lillet.
149
00:06:59,996 --> 00:07:02,130
I hear it was
Billie Holiday's poison.
150
00:07:02,132 --> 00:07:03,364
You know, there was
a moment when I was--
151
00:07:03,366 --> 00:07:05,467
That moment's over.
152
00:07:05,469 --> 00:07:07,335
Sir, we're here
to see Ruby.
153
00:07:07,337 --> 00:07:10,638
Who wants to see Ruby?
154
00:07:13,042 --> 00:07:14,509
She's coming in real hot,
Max.
155
00:07:14,511 --> 00:07:16,411
Maybe this
isn't a good idea.
156
00:07:16,413 --> 00:07:18,179
There's only one old
woman who scares me,
157
00:07:18,181 --> 00:07:21,015
and his name
is Steven Tyler.
158
00:07:21,017 --> 00:07:22,217
I'm Ruby.
159
00:07:22,219 --> 00:07:23,718
Well...if it isn't
160
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:27,188
"Miss doesn't invite
people to stuff."
161
00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:30,525
Who's also known as
Miss Very, Very Pretty.
162
00:07:30,527 --> 00:07:32,961
I don't need someone
to tell me that I'm pretty.
163
00:07:32,963 --> 00:07:34,429
That's what I told Roy Orbison
164
00:07:34,431 --> 00:07:36,664
when he wrote "Pretty Woman
for me.
165
00:07:36,666 --> 00:07:38,233
What do you little girls
want?
166
00:07:38,235 --> 00:07:40,468
We're friends of Earl.
167
00:07:40,470 --> 00:07:42,036
- Of Earl?
- You know, Earl.
168
00:07:42,038 --> 00:07:43,571
From The Early Birds.
169
00:07:43,573 --> 00:07:45,874
You know, the guy who put
this club on the map.
170
00:07:45,876 --> 00:07:47,809
Oh, that Earl!
171
00:07:47,811 --> 00:07:50,311
He's a bum!
172
00:07:50,313 --> 00:07:52,814
Girl, you better
check yourself!
173
00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:57,285
No one says anything bad
about my Earl.
174
00:07:57,287 --> 00:08:00,455
Your Ear--Well, I prefer
not to go to jail
175
00:08:00,457 --> 00:08:03,057
for murdering Earl's
girlfriend, but...
176
00:08:03,059 --> 00:08:04,859
it's not that strong
a preference.
177
00:08:04,861 --> 00:08:06,127
Here, hold my hoops!
178
00:08:06,129 --> 00:08:07,428
Oh, no, no, no, no.
179
00:08:07,430 --> 00:08:09,397
Max isn't Earl's girlfriend.
180
00:08:09,399 --> 00:08:11,232
He's more like
a father-figure to her.
181
00:08:11,234 --> 00:08:13,968
More like
a great-grandfather figure!
182
00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:16,738
He's both!
Hold my hoops!
183
00:08:17,806 --> 00:08:20,208
Everybody calm down,
take a beat.
184
00:08:20,210 --> 00:08:22,377
A jazzy beat, of course.
185
00:08:22,379 --> 00:08:24,412
I only have
two questions for you--
186
00:08:24,414 --> 00:08:25,580
Why is she so upset?
187
00:08:25,582 --> 00:08:27,782
And what the hell
is a jazzy beat?
188
00:08:27,784 --> 00:08:31,486
I'm upset because I know
Earl helped build this club,
189
00:08:31,488 --> 00:08:34,489
and he wasn't invited
to play your anniversary show.
190
00:08:34,491 --> 00:08:36,925
That's right--
'cause he's a bum!
191
00:08:36,927 --> 00:08:38,927
Hold my hoops again!
192
00:08:38,929 --> 00:08:41,429
That no-good, two-timin'
musical genius
193
00:08:41,431 --> 00:08:43,798
will never set foot
in my club while I'm alive.
194
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:47,335
Here, hold my hoops while
I unstrap the pistol on my shoe.
195
00:08:47,337 --> 00:08:50,505
Ruby, come on,
can't you just let him play?
196
00:08:50,507 --> 00:08:53,408
I mean, he's just a cashier
at a diner now.
197
00:08:53,410 --> 00:08:55,176
What'd you just call him?
198
00:08:55,178 --> 00:08:57,579
Earl is more than
just a cashier.
199
00:08:57,581 --> 00:08:59,547
That is his job,
not what he is.
200
00:08:59,549 --> 00:09:01,015
How dare you!
201
00:09:01,017 --> 00:09:02,850
Yeah, how dare she!
202
00:09:02,852 --> 00:09:05,053
both: Hold my hoops!
203
00:09:05,055 --> 00:09:07,488
Hold your hoops!
I'm sorry.
204
00:09:07,490 --> 00:09:10,325
He's not a cashier.
He's a musical genius.
205
00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:12,760
Damn it.
206
00:09:12,762 --> 00:09:14,896
I can't believe
that Earl would end up
207
00:09:14,898 --> 00:09:17,832
in a dead-end job
as a cashier in a diner.
208
00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:20,568
Well, I mean, it doesn't
have to be a dead-end.
209
00:09:20,570 --> 00:09:21,903
He could get out anytime--
210
00:09:21,905 --> 00:09:25,106
him and the other people
that work there.
211
00:09:25,108 --> 00:09:26,674
All right, he can come.
212
00:09:26,676 --> 00:09:29,644
But just make sure
he shows up and he is sober.
213
00:09:29,646 --> 00:09:31,045
That man only has
two settings--
214
00:09:31,047 --> 00:09:34,382
"high off his ass"
or "not in the room."
215
00:09:35,751 --> 00:09:36,985
He'll be here.
216
00:09:36,987 --> 00:09:39,387
Okay, I don't know
whose hoops are whose.
217
00:09:39,389 --> 00:09:42,690
We got a real
"whose hoops" over here.
218
00:09:46,929 --> 00:09:48,129
Isn't that exciting,
Earl?
219
00:09:48,131 --> 00:09:49,931
You're playing
at the club!
220
00:09:49,933 --> 00:09:52,333
I'm gonna go ahead
and call it a comeback.
221
00:09:52,335 --> 00:09:56,104
And then I'm gonna go find
an outfit that I can take back.
222
00:09:56,106 --> 00:09:58,406
So, Earl, obviously,
I'll be your date,
223
00:09:58,408 --> 00:10:01,476
and obviously, we'll pretend
that we don't know Caroline.
224
00:10:01,478 --> 00:10:04,278
I can't believe
that you girls went to see Ruby
225
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:08,449
and came back
with your hoops and hair.
226
00:10:08,451 --> 00:10:12,253
But there's one problem:
I no longer own a saxophone.
227
00:10:12,255 --> 00:10:14,489
How can you not
own a saxophone?
228
00:10:14,491 --> 00:10:17,892
That's like me not
owning muh jugs.
229
00:10:17,894 --> 00:10:19,694
I sold it
'cause I needed the money.
230
00:10:19,696 --> 00:10:21,162
I had just kicked heroin,
231
00:10:21,164 --> 00:10:24,198
and I was buying
a lotta cocaine.
232
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,668
But thanks, girls.
It would have been really nice.
233
00:10:26,670 --> 00:10:28,336
Aw, Earl, that's too bad.
234
00:10:28,338 --> 00:10:30,171
I was really excited
to see the show.
235
00:10:30,173 --> 00:10:33,207
I think when we went to Ruby's,
I caught the jazz bug.
236
00:10:33,209 --> 00:10:37,645
In my day, when you caught
the jazz bug, you had syphilis.
237
00:10:37,647 --> 00:10:39,914
Obviously, we have to
get Earl a saxophone
238
00:10:39,916 --> 00:10:41,349
so he can play
in the show.
239
00:10:41,351 --> 00:10:44,485
Max, if you put this much
effort into our life,
240
00:10:44,487 --> 00:10:48,556
we'd be off the cover of
"Never Made It" magazine.
241
00:10:48,558 --> 00:10:50,892
We can't afford
a musical instrument.
242
00:10:50,894 --> 00:10:53,394
Trust me, if there's anything
I know how to find,
243
00:10:53,396 --> 00:10:55,663
it's cheap sax.
244
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:02,937
So, Earl, you're back in
your old stomping grounds.
245
00:11:02,939 --> 00:11:04,672
How's it feel?
246
00:11:04,674 --> 00:11:07,709
Should bring back
a lotta memories, huh?
247
00:11:07,711 --> 00:11:09,644
It sure should!
248
00:11:09,646 --> 00:11:11,979
There's my girl!
249
00:11:11,981 --> 00:11:14,315
She and I used to have
a lot of great talks.
250
00:11:14,317 --> 00:11:16,784
Earl, you played with
Ella Fitzgerald?
251
00:11:16,786 --> 00:11:18,986
It's possible.
252
00:11:18,988 --> 00:11:22,156
Or else I talked
to that picture.
253
00:11:22,158 --> 00:11:24,392
I did a lot of drugs.
254
00:11:24,394 --> 00:11:26,728
Whenever I think of Ella,
I just want to
255
00:11:26,730 --> 00:11:30,565
♪ Scooby-doo-bop-bop,
squiddly dop-dop-bah ♪
256
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:35,403
Do that again, and I'm gonna
squiddly-da-bop you in the head.
257
00:11:35,405 --> 00:11:37,371
I gotta admit,
I'm excited to play.
258
00:11:37,373 --> 00:11:39,073
I got my mojo working
259
00:11:39,075 --> 00:11:41,576
and my pacemaker
on cruise control.
260
00:11:41,578 --> 00:11:44,312
I appreciate
all the trouble, girls.
261
00:11:44,314 --> 00:11:46,781
Just don't forget us
when you make it big.
262
00:11:46,783 --> 00:11:50,752
And we won't forget you
when we make it big.
263
00:11:52,221 --> 00:11:55,056
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
264
00:11:55,058 --> 00:11:57,525
Ahh! Well, well, well.
265
00:11:57,527 --> 00:12:01,295
Earl with a couple of
18-year-old white girls.
266
00:12:01,297 --> 00:12:03,664
It's the '60s all over again.
267
00:12:03,666 --> 00:12:05,099
If it was the '60s,
268
00:12:05,101 --> 00:12:07,135
you and I would be
in the coat closet
269
00:12:07,137 --> 00:12:10,605
gettin' on the good foot
doin' the bad thing.
270
00:12:10,607 --> 00:12:13,875
You look beautiful
as ever, Ruby.
271
00:12:13,877 --> 00:12:15,810
Well, Earl,
272
00:12:15,812 --> 00:12:17,512
I must say, you look...
273
00:12:17,514 --> 00:12:20,248
Wiser?
Distinguished?
274
00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:23,351
Mature
like a fine wine.
275
00:12:24,219 --> 00:12:27,321
I was gonna say
less on heroin.
276
00:12:27,323 --> 00:12:29,824
I haven't done smack
in 30 years.
277
00:12:29,826 --> 00:12:31,559
I even quit Honey Smacks
278
00:12:31,561 --> 00:12:34,595
'cause I thought
it might tempt me.
279
00:12:34,597 --> 00:12:36,230
Ruby, just putting it
out there--
280
00:12:36,232 --> 00:12:37,799
if you need someone
to warm up the crowd,
281
00:12:37,801 --> 00:12:40,001
I was in my high school's
jazz choir.
282
00:12:40,003 --> 00:12:42,103
I sang
"God Bless the Child."
283
00:12:42,105 --> 00:12:44,205
[chuckles]
Well, God bless the children
284
00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:46,741
that had to listen to that.
285
00:12:46,743 --> 00:12:49,477
Well, it's gonna be
very interesting, Earl.
286
00:12:49,479 --> 00:12:52,113
I don't think I ever
remember you playing sober.
287
00:12:52,115 --> 00:12:54,982
You always said the junk
gave you the funk.
288
00:12:54,984 --> 00:12:57,318
- I did?
- Mm-hmm.
289
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,254
Well,
that was clever.
290
00:13:00,256 --> 00:13:02,590
You know what wasn't clever?
291
00:13:02,592 --> 00:13:07,228
Leaving your underpants
on my sister's breakfast table.
292
00:13:07,230 --> 00:13:10,064
Anyway, break a leg.
Or...a heart.
293
00:13:10,066 --> 00:13:11,532
You're good at that.
294
00:13:11,534 --> 00:13:14,969
I was good at a lot
of things with you, Ruby.
295
00:13:14,971 --> 00:13:18,206
[lecherous giggle]
296
00:13:18,208 --> 00:13:20,308
[chortling]
297
00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:22,777
Girls,
I just realized...
298
00:13:22,779 --> 00:13:25,913
I never played straight.
299
00:13:25,915 --> 00:13:27,548
Excuse me, ladies.
300
00:13:27,550 --> 00:13:30,585
I have to freshen up
in the men's room.
301
00:13:32,487 --> 00:13:34,622
You don't think
"freshen up" means...
302
00:13:34,624 --> 00:13:37,191
what I think
we both think it means.
303
00:13:37,193 --> 00:13:40,728
No. Earl's been clean
for 30 years.
304
00:13:40,730 --> 00:13:42,797
Plus, you don't just
go into the bathroom
305
00:13:42,799 --> 00:13:45,566
of a jazz club where you did
heroin to find heroin.
306
00:13:45,568 --> 00:13:48,336
I'll just go take a peek.
307
00:13:53,242 --> 00:13:54,809
Earl's still in the bathroom.
308
00:13:54,811 --> 00:13:56,410
You know what's not
in the bathroom?
309
00:13:56,412 --> 00:13:58,546
Doors on the stalls.
310
00:14:00,015 --> 00:14:02,250
Damn it! I forgot
I invited people.
311
00:14:02,252 --> 00:14:03,885
Hey, girls, come on.
312
00:14:03,887 --> 00:14:07,922
Admit it--
everyone hates jazz, right?
313
00:14:07,924 --> 00:14:09,357
Well, I love it.
314
00:14:09,359 --> 00:14:12,126
See? It's the worst!
315
00:14:12,128 --> 00:14:14,829
I like going downtown.
316
00:14:14,831 --> 00:14:17,832
I don't have to
tell you that.
317
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:19,300
Where's Han?
318
00:14:19,302 --> 00:14:21,302
He's standing
right under me, isn't me?
319
00:14:21,304 --> 00:14:23,838
Ooh! $15 a drink.
320
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,607
That's your whole night
in Secaucus!
321
00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:29,944
Han, I can't take shots
and jazz
322
00:14:29,946 --> 00:14:33,648
and your personality
at the same time.
323
00:14:33,650 --> 00:14:36,017
Sophie, relax.
It'll be fine.
324
00:14:36,019 --> 00:14:38,252
I'll buy you a drink first.
325
00:14:38,254 --> 00:14:40,721
Hold my syringe
while I get my credit card.
326
00:14:40,723 --> 00:14:44,191
Who are you, my mom?
327
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,128
Oh, Earl, how you doing?
328
00:14:47,130 --> 00:14:48,629
Max, that's real
sweet of you
329
00:14:48,631 --> 00:14:52,400
to score some dope for me,
but I'm gonna pass.
330
00:14:52,402 --> 00:14:54,335
No. These are Sophie's
fertility drugs.
331
00:14:54,337 --> 00:14:56,504
All this'll give you
is great breasts.
332
00:14:56,506 --> 00:14:58,973
Still no.
If I had great breasts,
333
00:14:58,975 --> 00:15:01,342
I'd never get out of bed.
334
00:15:02,811 --> 00:15:04,545
Good evening.
My name is Ruby.
335
00:15:04,547 --> 00:15:06,547
And in case you forget that,
336
00:15:06,549 --> 00:15:08,883
it's written in neon
all over the place.
337
00:15:09,918 --> 00:15:12,987
- You ready?
- Yep. Ready to leave.
338
00:15:12,989 --> 00:15:14,655
- What?
- You heard Ruby.
339
00:15:14,657 --> 00:15:16,891
I've never played
not high,
340
00:15:16,893 --> 00:15:18,592
and I'm not about to
try it now.
341
00:15:18,594 --> 00:15:22,296
Now, I know you're all here
for The Early Birds tonight,
342
00:15:22,298 --> 00:15:24,598
so hang onto your hats
and hide your sisters.
343
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:28,169
[chuckling] And help me welcome
back to the stage
344
00:15:28,171 --> 00:15:30,871
The Early Birds,
featuring Earl!
345
00:15:30,873 --> 00:15:31,872
[applause]
346
00:15:31,874 --> 00:15:33,674
Earl!
347
00:15:33,676 --> 00:15:35,343
Oh, a-am I still here?
348
00:15:35,345 --> 00:15:39,180
In my mind,
I was running so fast.
349
00:15:39,182 --> 00:15:41,716
Earl...we're waiting for you.
[chuckles]
350
00:15:41,718 --> 00:15:43,417
He's acting like the stage
351
00:15:43,419 --> 00:15:46,087
wants him to commit
to a monogamous relationship.
352
00:15:46,089 --> 00:15:48,322
You know what I'm talkin' about,
right, ladies?
353
00:15:48,324 --> 00:15:52,326
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, jazz is funny!
354
00:15:52,328 --> 00:15:55,496
Boys, y'all know the drill.
Vamp! Vamp, boys, vamp.
355
00:15:55,498 --> 00:15:56,831
[band begins set]
356
00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:58,065
You gotta go up
and buy us some time
357
00:15:58,067 --> 00:15:59,967
so I can convince Earl
to get up there.
358
00:15:59,969 --> 00:16:02,303
Max, I don't know
if I could do that.
359
00:16:02,305 --> 00:16:03,938
Should I go with
"God Bless the Child"
360
00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:05,206
or "Lady Sings the Blues"?
361
00:16:05,208 --> 00:16:07,074
Quit adding
white things to you.
362
00:16:07,076 --> 00:16:09,610
You're already
the whitest person here.
363
00:16:09,612 --> 00:16:11,145
Just go.
364
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,783
Hey, there,
you crazy cats.
365
00:16:15,785 --> 00:16:17,852
Earl will be out
in a hot second.
366
00:16:17,854 --> 00:16:19,320
How y'all doin'?
367
00:16:19,322 --> 00:16:22,056
And-a one, and-a two,
and-a three...
368
00:16:22,058 --> 00:16:25,226
martinis over on this table!
369
00:16:25,228 --> 00:16:27,294
You know when someone else
says something stupid,
370
00:16:27,296 --> 00:16:29,597
but you're embarrassed?
371
00:16:29,599 --> 00:16:31,932
Earl, I thought
this would make you happy,
372
00:16:31,934 --> 00:16:34,201
but if you don't wanna play,
we can just go.
373
00:16:34,203 --> 00:16:36,203
- Then let's just go.
- Damn it, Earl!
374
00:16:36,205 --> 00:16:37,905
Follow along, boys.
375
00:16:37,907 --> 00:16:39,740
Just keep it bright
and breezy,
376
00:16:39,742 --> 00:16:41,876
and "God Bless the Child."
377
00:16:41,878 --> 00:16:43,310
(Barry)
Is this a joke?
378
00:16:43,312 --> 00:16:44,745
[laughter]
379
00:16:44,747 --> 00:16:49,250
I'm gonna have to shoot up
myself to get through this.
380
00:16:49,252 --> 00:16:53,721
Sometimes when the crickets
start chirpin' down South
381
00:16:53,723 --> 00:16:56,290
late on a summer's night...
382
00:16:56,292 --> 00:16:59,527
Seriously--
is this a joke?
383
00:16:59,529 --> 00:17:01,095
[laughter, murmuring]
384
00:17:01,097 --> 00:17:03,330
I just have to
break into this song.
385
00:17:03,332 --> 00:17:04,765
Oh, lord.
386
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:06,167
♪ Scooby-doo-bop-bop
387
00:17:06,169 --> 00:17:08,102
♪ Squiddly dop-dop-bah
388
00:17:08,104 --> 00:17:10,037
Somebody shoot me!
389
00:17:10,039 --> 00:17:11,439
[laughter]
390
00:17:11,441 --> 00:17:13,274
You know what, Max,
it turns out
391
00:17:13,276 --> 00:17:15,109
I don't need junk
to get up there.
392
00:17:15,111 --> 00:17:17,878
I just needed Caroline
to start singing.
393
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,213
Let's fly, Birds.
394
00:17:19,215 --> 00:17:21,115
[snapping]
A-five, six, seven, eight.
395
00:17:21,117 --> 00:17:24,118
[playing jazzy tune]
396
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:32,460
♪
397
00:17:32,462 --> 00:17:35,362
Thanks for warming
them up, darling.
398
00:17:35,364 --> 00:17:37,064
On, Earl, I can stay
and sing--
399
00:17:37,066 --> 00:17:39,733
We good.
Caroline Channing, folks.
400
00:17:39,735 --> 00:17:42,269
[applause]
401
00:17:42,271 --> 00:17:45,739
Everybody, thank you all
for coming out tonight.
402
00:17:45,741 --> 00:17:48,909
Okay, a-one, two, three...
403
00:17:48,911 --> 00:17:51,912
[playing "Comin' Home Baby"]
404
00:17:51,914 --> 00:18:00,121
♪
405
00:18:06,228 --> 00:18:09,430
That is one cool cashier.
406
00:18:09,432 --> 00:18:11,899
[Ruby chuckles]
407
00:18:11,901 --> 00:18:15,669
♪
408
00:18:15,671 --> 00:18:17,938
Ha. He's still got it!
409
00:18:17,940 --> 00:18:20,141
Yes, he does.
410
00:18:20,143 --> 00:18:25,513
♪
411
00:18:25,515 --> 00:18:28,349
All I know is if that white
girl had started singin',
412
00:18:28,351 --> 00:18:31,886
you were gonna have to
hold my hoops!
413
00:18:31,888 --> 00:18:40,161
♪
414
00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:45,232
Wow, Earl's been napping
pretty much this whole time.
415
00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:46,834
It was a big night for him.
416
00:18:46,836 --> 00:18:49,703
He got back on the horse without
getting back on the horse.
417
00:18:49,705 --> 00:18:51,572
But I'm pretty sure
he got back on Ruby.
418
00:18:51,574 --> 00:18:55,743
I know he got back on her,
'cause I had to hold her hoops.
419
00:18:55,745 --> 00:18:57,211
I hate to say this,
420
00:18:57,213 --> 00:18:59,146
but I'm a little jealous
of Earl.
421
00:18:59,148 --> 00:19:01,515
He got a chance to do
what he's best at again.
422
00:19:01,517 --> 00:19:03,484
I'm beginning to think
I may never get that chance.
423
00:19:03,486 --> 00:19:06,487
Aw, were you holding
on to hope?
424
00:19:06,489 --> 00:19:08,789
Stop. You have time.
Earl's 80.
425
00:19:08,791 --> 00:19:11,258
You're only, what,
like 50 now?
426
00:19:11,260 --> 00:19:16,864
Max, I really wanted
to sing tonight.
427
00:19:16,866 --> 00:19:18,566
Fine.
428
00:19:18,568 --> 00:19:20,601
Earl, wake up.
429
00:19:20,603 --> 00:19:21,902
Damn it.
430
00:19:21,904 --> 00:19:25,272
Have I been living
on the subway again?
431
00:19:25,274 --> 00:19:27,241
No. Caroline needs you
to play.
432
00:19:27,243 --> 00:19:29,677
Oh, I don't think
I could sing on the subway.
433
00:19:29,679 --> 00:19:31,478
"God Bless the Child"
in a G.
434
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:34,281
Caroline, you're not really
gonna sing the blues.
435
00:19:34,283 --> 00:19:35,983
I mean, that music's about
suffering,
436
00:19:35,985 --> 00:19:37,484
the pain
of losing everything.
437
00:19:37,486 --> 00:19:39,687
How would a girl like you
know about that?
438
00:19:39,689 --> 00:19:41,956
I lost $5 billion.
439
00:19:41,958 --> 00:19:43,657
Key of G, you said.
440
00:19:43,659 --> 00:19:48,195
'Scuse me--this girl's
going to sing for you right now.
441
00:19:48,197 --> 00:19:50,531
We don't want money,
so don't throw things.
442
00:19:50,533 --> 00:19:52,733
So everybody listen up.
Not you, sir.
443
00:19:52,735 --> 00:19:55,769
I know you're busy
masturbating.
444
00:19:55,771 --> 00:19:57,438
Ready?
445
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:58,572
♪
446
00:19:58,574 --> 00:20:01,375
♪ Them's that got
shall have ♪
447
00:20:01,377 --> 00:20:02,176
Yeah.
448
00:20:02,178 --> 00:20:04,745
♪
449
00:20:04,747 --> 00:20:07,715
♪ Them's that's not
shall lose ♪
450
00:20:07,717 --> 00:20:08,849
Mm-hmm!
451
00:20:08,851 --> 00:20:11,452
♪- ♪
452
00:20:11,454 --> 00:20:15,089
- ♪ So the bible said
- Yeah!
453
00:20:15,091 --> 00:20:18,092
♪ ♪
454
00:20:18,094 --> 00:20:20,728
♪ And it still is news
455
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:23,831
♪ ♪
456
00:20:23,833 --> 00:20:26,667
♪ Mama may have
457
00:20:26,669 --> 00:20:28,335
♪
458
00:20:28,337 --> 00:20:30,304
♪ Papa may have
459
00:20:30,306 --> 00:20:32,039
♪ ♪
460
00:20:32,041 --> 00:20:35,909
- ♪ But God bless the child
- ♪
461
00:20:35,911 --> 00:20:38,279
- ♪ That's got his own
- ♪
462
00:20:38,281 --> 00:20:42,683
- ♪ That's got his own
- ♪
463
00:20:42,685 --> 00:20:44,318
Yeah...
464
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:45,819
All right, everybody
start throwing some money.
465
00:20:45,821 --> 00:20:48,922
I didn't think
she was gonna be that good.
466
00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:55,262
[cash register bell dings]