1
00:00:02,145 --> 00:00:04,012
Hold up!
Nobody leave.
2
00:00:04,014 --> 00:00:07,349
Someone,
and I'm not naming Max,
3
00:00:07,351 --> 00:00:09,618
has been stealing
from the diner.
4
00:00:09,620 --> 00:00:13,355
Well, the diner
has been stealing from me.
5
00:00:13,357 --> 00:00:17,192
Youth, energy, will to live.
6
00:00:17,194 --> 00:00:19,995
So new policy:
before any employee leaves,
7
00:00:19,997 --> 00:00:21,296
there will be a pat-down.
8
00:00:21,298 --> 00:00:26,034
I tried to start that policy
years ago.
9
00:00:26,036 --> 00:00:27,235
Seriously, Han?
10
00:00:27,237 --> 00:00:28,470
Is that really how
you want to get
11
00:00:28,472 --> 00:00:31,873
to second base
for the first time?
12
00:00:31,875 --> 00:00:34,176
It's not ideal, no.
13
00:00:34,178 --> 00:00:35,577
Max, you're first.
14
00:00:35,579 --> 00:00:36,578
Fine.
15
00:00:36,580 --> 00:00:39,247
Feel me up,
Low-bo-cop.
16
00:00:45,455 --> 00:00:47,355
What's this?
17
00:00:47,357 --> 00:00:49,558
It's a boob, sad man.
18
00:00:51,494 --> 00:00:55,330
This, however,
is bologna.
19
00:00:55,332 --> 00:00:57,799
Shame on you!
That's tomorrow's salmon.
20
00:01:02,839 --> 00:01:04,239
While we're coming clean,
21
00:01:04,241 --> 00:01:07,275
I stole your identity
three years ago.
22
00:01:07,277 --> 00:01:09,244
It's over now,
but I was caught up
23
00:01:09,246 --> 00:01:13,415
in a kind of
Jason Bourne situation.
24
00:01:13,417 --> 00:01:15,784
Caroline,
I'm coming to you next.
25
00:01:15,786 --> 00:01:17,185
And I thought this uniform
26
00:01:17,187 --> 00:01:20,689
would be the worst thing
touching my body today.
27
00:01:20,691 --> 00:01:23,592
Quick reminder:
I'm a human being.
28
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,603
Caroline,
literally slow your roll.
29
00:01:36,372 --> 00:01:38,140
Well, if you're gonna
hit bottom,
30
00:01:38,142 --> 00:01:39,875
you better have something
to wipe it with.
31
00:01:41,077 --> 00:01:42,277
Earl--
32
00:01:42,279 --> 00:01:44,179
Now, I know you are not
33
00:01:44,181 --> 00:01:48,583
about to accuse a black man
of stealing...
34
00:01:48,585 --> 00:01:52,220
in this current
political climate.
35
00:01:52,222 --> 00:01:53,688
No, of course not.
36
00:01:53,690 --> 00:01:57,225
I was just going to wish you
a wonderful evening.
37
00:01:57,227 --> 00:01:58,927
Here, Max.
38
00:01:58,929 --> 00:02:00,328
You can have my bologna.
39
00:02:02,698 --> 00:02:05,000
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
40
00:02:05,002 --> 00:02:06,535
[cash register bell dings]
41
00:02:06,537 --> 00:02:11,907
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
42
00:02:18,114 --> 00:02:20,081
(man)
And I just--
43
00:02:20,083 --> 00:02:21,750
I think I love you.
44
00:02:21,752 --> 00:02:23,919
[can hissing]
45
00:02:23,921 --> 00:02:25,754
(woman)
I love you too.
46
00:02:25,756 --> 00:02:27,756
Uh, Caroline?
47
00:02:32,094 --> 00:02:33,461
Oh, good.
48
00:02:33,463 --> 00:02:36,231
You brought someone else
with you to see that.
49
00:02:36,233 --> 00:02:38,366
Owen, Caroline.
Caroline, Owen.
50
00:02:38,368 --> 00:02:41,303
Owen, bedroom.
Caroline, later.
51
00:02:41,305 --> 00:02:43,205
Owen, nice to meet you.
52
00:02:43,207 --> 00:02:45,907
Do I detect
a Philadelphia accent?
53
00:02:45,909 --> 00:02:48,910
I haven't
said anything yet.
54
00:02:48,912 --> 00:02:53,081
But I gotta tell you, you really
took the cool out of Cool Whip.
55
00:02:53,083 --> 00:02:54,549
Let's go in my room.
56
00:02:54,551 --> 00:02:56,885
Oh, actually, Max,
it's, uh--it's kinda late.
57
00:02:56,887 --> 00:02:59,221
I gotta be at work early.
58
00:02:59,223 --> 00:03:01,556
But I had a good time.
Good night.
59
00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:03,558
I'll call you tomorrow.
We'll do something.
60
00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:08,763
Oh...
61
00:03:08,765 --> 00:03:10,799
my...
62
00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:12,334
God.
63
00:03:14,337 --> 00:03:15,971
It finally happened.
64
00:03:15,973 --> 00:03:19,407
Someone doesn't want
to have sex with me!
65
00:03:20,776 --> 00:03:24,012
He said he gotta
be at work early.
66
00:03:24,014 --> 00:03:25,714
Isn't that weird?
67
00:03:25,716 --> 00:03:27,415
That you're dating a guy
with a job?
68
00:03:27,417 --> 00:03:29,884
Yeah, that is weird.
69
00:03:29,886 --> 00:03:32,153
Max, maybe you finally
met a guy
70
00:03:32,155 --> 00:03:33,421
who wants
to get to know you
71
00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:35,890
before he jumps into bed
with you.
72
00:03:35,892 --> 00:03:38,293
Maybe Owen's the one.
73
00:03:38,295 --> 00:03:42,230
The one that won't
have sex with me!
74
00:03:42,232 --> 00:03:44,299
So what happens around here
75
00:03:44,301 --> 00:03:48,603
when nothing happens
around here?
76
00:03:48,605 --> 00:03:52,207
Well, when that's
not happening,
77
00:03:52,209 --> 00:03:54,876
cheesecake is
a fun alternative.
78
00:03:54,878 --> 00:03:56,611
I stole one from the diner
'cause I thought
79
00:03:56,613 --> 00:03:59,281
you wouldn't be home
and I'd be sad.
80
00:03:59,283 --> 00:04:01,883
You hide that
between your legs too?
81
00:04:04,153 --> 00:04:05,353
[knock at door]
82
00:04:05,355 --> 00:04:06,755
(Sophie)
Open up!
83
00:04:06,757 --> 00:04:09,524
I smell cheesecake!
84
00:04:09,526 --> 00:04:11,726
Oh.
And you know...
85
00:04:13,829 --> 00:04:16,798
And you know
what that smells like.
86
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:17,999
Girl talk.
87
00:04:19,168 --> 00:04:20,568
Girl talk?
88
00:04:20,570 --> 00:04:23,905
All right, but if we lez out,
nobody catch feelings.
89
00:04:23,907 --> 00:04:26,841
Eh, I'm just talking
about a little chick-ity chat.
90
00:04:26,843 --> 00:04:29,344
You know,
friends sharing with friends
91
00:04:29,346 --> 00:04:31,446
in a completely safe
environment.
92
00:04:31,448 --> 00:04:33,748
Well, I've been having
this recurring dream--
93
00:04:33,750 --> 00:04:37,319
Yeah, well,
you'll have it again.
94
00:04:37,321 --> 00:04:39,888
Let's talk about me.
95
00:04:39,890 --> 00:04:43,892
Girls, Oleg and I
have been having a lot of sex.
96
00:04:43,894 --> 00:04:46,528
You know, standing up,
sitting down,
97
00:04:46,530 --> 00:04:49,864
on a elevator,
on a escalator.
98
00:04:49,866 --> 00:04:51,800
Oh, yeah.
99
00:04:51,802 --> 00:04:56,137
Going down and up
at the same time.
100
00:04:56,139 --> 00:05:00,675
All of that unprotected sex,
and still no baby.
101
00:05:00,677 --> 00:05:04,112
Did you just
come here to brag?
102
00:05:04,114 --> 00:05:05,647
You know, Sophie,
103
00:05:05,649 --> 00:05:08,516
sometimes when people
have trouble getting pregnant,
104
00:05:08,518 --> 00:05:10,118
they see a doctor.
105
00:05:17,693 --> 00:05:19,728
Sophie, where did you go?
106
00:05:19,730 --> 00:05:23,598
I looked up from the harness,
and you were gone.
107
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,135
Well, Caroline thinks
one of us...
108
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:30,905
Mmm.
109
00:05:30,907 --> 00:05:33,274
And she's not pointing fingers
at anyone,
110
00:05:33,276 --> 00:05:35,577
but one of us...
111
00:05:35,579 --> 00:05:39,614
you know, may need
to get the sperm tested.
112
00:05:39,616 --> 00:05:42,384
All right, but I've been known
to miss the cup.
113
00:05:42,386 --> 00:05:46,121
♪
114
00:05:46,123 --> 00:05:47,522
All right, Earl.
115
00:05:47,524 --> 00:05:49,157
After last night's date,
I need a rebound.
116
00:05:49,159 --> 00:05:51,993
I'm ready for you to set me up
with your friend.
117
00:05:51,995 --> 00:05:53,728
He's dead.
118
00:05:55,030 --> 00:05:56,498
I didn't say which friend.
119
00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:58,566
They're all dead, Max.
120
00:05:59,835 --> 00:06:01,836
Jeez, one guy doesn't want
to sleep with you,
121
00:06:01,838 --> 00:06:04,172
and you're sweatin'
to the oldies?
122
00:06:07,109 --> 00:06:08,343
Flowers?
123
00:06:08,345 --> 00:06:10,612
Oh, no!
Am I dead too?
124
00:06:13,349 --> 00:06:14,549
I'm looking for Max.
125
00:06:14,551 --> 00:06:16,117
She said she doesn't work here.
126
00:06:18,053 --> 00:06:19,254
What is he doing here?
127
00:06:19,256 --> 00:06:20,522
It's so awkward
seeing a guy
128
00:06:20,524 --> 00:06:22,857
the day after
he doesn't see you naked.
129
00:06:24,059 --> 00:06:25,260
Hey.
130
00:06:25,262 --> 00:06:26,761
These are for you.
131
00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:27,762
Flowers?
132
00:06:27,764 --> 00:06:29,731
For future reference,
I'm more of a
133
00:06:29,733 --> 00:06:32,700
"Mickey's Malt Liquor"
kind of girl.
134
00:06:32,702 --> 00:06:34,636
Hey, can we talk
over there in that booth?
135
00:06:34,638 --> 00:06:37,539
It depends.
How's your immune system?
136
00:06:37,541 --> 00:06:39,674
Caroline, cover my tables.
137
00:06:39,676 --> 00:06:41,810
First I'll put these
in some diner water.
138
00:06:41,812 --> 00:06:46,147
I hope these flowers like
little floating meat bits.
139
00:06:46,149 --> 00:06:48,216
So...you take me to dinner,
140
00:06:48,218 --> 00:06:49,417
treat me like a lady,
141
00:06:49,419 --> 00:06:50,618
and bring me flowers.
142
00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:54,355
What kind of sick stuff
are you into?
143
00:06:54,357 --> 00:06:56,157
Max, I like you a lot.
144
00:06:56,159 --> 00:06:59,627
Then why aren't you
laying on top of me somewhere?
145
00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:02,430
Look, I want us
to get to know each other
146
00:07:02,432 --> 00:07:03,731
before we have sex
147
00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:05,233
to be able to trust
each other,
148
00:07:05,235 --> 00:07:06,668
keep each other's secrets.
149
00:07:06,670 --> 00:07:09,704
Fine; just tell me your
safe word, and let's go.
150
00:07:11,607 --> 00:07:15,176
Mine is "pot sticker."
151
00:07:15,178 --> 00:07:16,811
I'm serious,
152
00:07:16,813 --> 00:07:18,680
'cause when we do have sex,
you're gonna find out
153
00:07:18,682 --> 00:07:20,582
that I'm not...
154
00:07:20,584 --> 00:07:23,785
well, I'm not regular
down there.
155
00:07:27,423 --> 00:07:30,892
Um..."not regular"?
156
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:39,634
So does it look
something like...
157
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,107
This?
158
00:07:47,142 --> 00:07:49,277
No. And bigger.
159
00:07:51,046 --> 00:07:53,915
Uh, so something like...
160
00:07:55,918 --> 00:07:56,918
This?
161
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,787
No, it doesn't
have a face.
162
00:07:59,789 --> 00:08:01,990
Max, something's wrong
in the kitchen.
163
00:08:01,992 --> 00:08:03,558
Not here.
Nothing's wrong here.
164
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,260
Just come with me.
165
00:08:07,496 --> 00:08:08,897
Uh, well, can I
see you tomorrow?
166
00:08:08,899 --> 00:08:10,665
Sure,
but at least be late.
167
00:08:10,667 --> 00:08:12,567
Give me something
to work with.
168
00:08:13,569 --> 00:08:14,936
I heard what he said.
169
00:08:14,938 --> 00:08:17,405
What the heck does
"not regular down there" mean?
170
00:08:17,407 --> 00:08:19,674
I don't know.
171
00:08:20,843 --> 00:08:25,580
All I know is,
it doesn't mean this.
172
00:08:26,749 --> 00:08:28,082
It could be anything.
173
00:08:28,084 --> 00:08:31,352
In Moscow, I saw this
amazing penis freak show,
174
00:08:31,354 --> 00:08:34,022
"Ripleyvitch
Believe It or Nyet."
175
00:08:36,759 --> 00:08:39,661
I'm not over it "nyet."
176
00:08:39,663 --> 00:08:42,263
So you're really gonna
go out with Owen again?
177
00:08:42,265 --> 00:08:45,633
I mean, you're playing
penis roulette down there.
178
00:08:45,635 --> 00:08:48,002
It could be gnarly
or wonky or...
179
00:08:48,004 --> 00:08:50,271
truly haunting.
180
00:08:50,273 --> 00:08:52,073
You're right.
181
00:08:52,075 --> 00:08:54,042
I gotta see it!
182
00:08:54,044 --> 00:08:56,044
♪
183
00:08:59,815 --> 00:09:01,082
Okay, tell me again.
184
00:09:01,084 --> 00:09:02,483
Talk to my like
I'm a 10-year-old...
185
00:09:02,485 --> 00:09:04,852
with overdeveloped boobs.
186
00:09:04,854 --> 00:09:06,054
It's simple.
187
00:09:06,056 --> 00:09:07,288
Owen just wants
to get to know you
188
00:09:07,290 --> 00:09:08,523
before he has sex with you.
189
00:09:08,525 --> 00:09:10,858
That is sick!
I'm ten.
190
00:09:10,860 --> 00:09:13,061
Here.
Let's practice.
191
00:09:13,063 --> 00:09:15,630
Pretend I'm Owen,
and ask me something.
192
00:09:15,632 --> 00:09:18,833
So, Owen, when you gonna
take "dem" pants off?
193
00:09:20,069 --> 00:09:22,437
Hi, girls.
194
00:09:22,439 --> 00:09:24,138
Do you think anyone
would notice
195
00:09:24,140 --> 00:09:25,440
if you closed your shop
196
00:09:25,442 --> 00:09:27,575
and we had a girls' day
tomorrow?
197
00:09:27,577 --> 00:09:29,344
Where we going
tomorrow, Sophie?
198
00:09:29,346 --> 00:09:32,347
Say Coney Island,
say Coney Island.
199
00:09:32,349 --> 00:09:35,883
We're going
to a gynecologist!
200
00:09:35,885 --> 00:09:39,120
Yeah, see, Oleg said that
he'd get himself checked out,
201
00:09:39,122 --> 00:09:40,588
so, to be a team player,
202
00:09:40,590 --> 00:09:44,626
I'm gonna let a doctor
poke around my front bottom.
203
00:09:44,628 --> 00:09:46,861
Well, obviously
I'm honored,
204
00:09:46,863 --> 00:09:50,064
but that's gonna be
a hard "no" from me.
205
00:09:50,066 --> 00:09:51,265
Oh, girls!
206
00:09:51,267 --> 00:09:52,867
I don't want to go alone.
207
00:09:52,869 --> 00:09:54,769
I'm scared!
208
00:09:54,771 --> 00:09:57,572
You know, in Poland,
our doctor was also the butcher,
209
00:09:57,574 --> 00:09:59,440
you know, because he
already had the white coat
210
00:09:59,442 --> 00:10:01,809
and the metal draining table.
211
00:10:01,811 --> 00:10:04,112
I mean, you try
sharing a waiting room
212
00:10:04,114 --> 00:10:06,247
with a bunch of nervous sheep.
213
00:10:06,249 --> 00:10:07,982
[bleating]
Baaah!
214
00:10:07,984 --> 00:10:10,318
Baaaah!
215
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,253
Sheep flashbacks?
216
00:10:12,255 --> 00:10:14,689
I am obviously in.
217
00:10:14,691 --> 00:10:15,957
Buh-bye.
218
00:10:15,959 --> 00:10:17,592
♪
219
00:10:17,594 --> 00:10:19,060
This is the part
where the sheep
220
00:10:19,062 --> 00:10:21,462
really started to freak out.
221
00:10:21,464 --> 00:10:24,265
[bleating]
Baaah!
222
00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:26,334
Sophie, just relax,
223
00:10:26,336 --> 00:10:28,336
and maybe change
into this paper gown
224
00:10:28,338 --> 00:10:29,937
so the doctor can have
better access.
225
00:10:29,939 --> 00:10:31,139
And as I'm saying this,
226
00:10:31,141 --> 00:10:33,941
I really wonder
what I am doing here.
227
00:10:33,943 --> 00:10:36,344
Well, I don't need a gown.
228
00:10:36,346 --> 00:10:39,347
I ripped the middle
right out of my Spanx.
229
00:10:39,349 --> 00:10:41,015
[phone chimes]
230
00:10:41,017 --> 00:10:42,250
It's Owen.
231
00:10:42,252 --> 00:10:43,651
"How about dinner tonight?
232
00:10:43,653 --> 00:10:46,421
Italian, sushi, whatever
you're in the mood for."
233
00:10:46,423 --> 00:10:47,955
I'm in the mood
for a little...
234
00:10:47,957 --> 00:10:50,758
[mimics bed squeaking]
235
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:52,627
Max, why don't you
invite him over?
236
00:10:52,629 --> 00:10:54,128
You can make him
a romantic dinner,
237
00:10:54,130 --> 00:10:55,329
and then you can watch
238
00:10:55,331 --> 00:10:58,466
"American Horror Story:
Penis Edition."
239
00:10:59,601 --> 00:11:02,904
Miss Kuchenski,
I'm Dr. Surden.
240
00:11:02,906 --> 00:11:05,306
[bleating]
Baaah!
241
00:11:08,410 --> 00:11:10,845
Miss Kuchenski,
why aren't you wearing a gown,
242
00:11:10,847 --> 00:11:14,515
and why are you
clenching your knees?
243
00:11:15,584 --> 00:11:17,985
Oh, no.
244
00:11:17,987 --> 00:11:21,289
I got the lock legs.
245
00:11:21,291 --> 00:11:24,225
Hang on;
I got an idea.
246
00:11:24,227 --> 00:11:27,228
[laughing]
247
00:11:27,230 --> 00:11:29,030
That tickles!
248
00:11:29,032 --> 00:11:30,364
Make your move now, Doc!
249
00:11:30,366 --> 00:11:32,066
That tickles!
250
00:11:32,068 --> 00:11:34,535
Baaah!
251
00:11:34,537 --> 00:11:37,105
Uh, m-m-maybe
I'll have the nurse
252
00:11:37,107 --> 00:11:38,606
bring something to relax you.
253
00:11:38,608 --> 00:11:41,509
I'll take a water
if we're getting stuff.
254
00:11:45,147 --> 00:11:47,115
I got to get out of here.
255
00:11:47,117 --> 00:11:50,151
But, Sophie, he hasn't even
examined you yet.
256
00:11:50,153 --> 00:11:51,352
What's going on?
257
00:11:51,354 --> 00:11:53,988
You're acting odd-er
than usual.
258
00:11:53,990 --> 00:11:58,359
Well, what if Oleg and I
can't have a baby
259
00:11:58,361 --> 00:12:01,763
because there's
something wrong with me?
260
00:12:01,765 --> 00:12:06,434
I mean, what if it's not
Oleg's swimmers?
261
00:12:06,436 --> 00:12:09,470
What if it's my pool?
262
00:12:11,406 --> 00:12:15,042
I mean, that would be so...
263
00:12:15,044 --> 00:12:17,145
[bleating]
sad.
264
00:12:17,147 --> 00:12:19,947
♪
265
00:12:19,949 --> 00:12:22,316
Here's how I want things
to unfold.
266
00:12:22,318 --> 00:12:24,886
Do you think his thing
will unfold?
267
00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:29,423
Like Beetlejuice?
268
00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:32,727
Do you think you can handle
getting to know him?
269
00:12:32,729 --> 00:12:34,328
I'm getting really upset.
270
00:12:34,330 --> 00:12:36,330
Hey, I have
questions prepared.
271
00:12:36,332 --> 00:12:37,698
I'll be fine.
272
00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:39,200
You're the one who has to
sit at Starbucks
273
00:12:39,202 --> 00:12:41,569
and listen to homeless Barb
pitch her screenplay
274
00:12:41,571 --> 00:12:43,471
for the next three hours.
275
00:12:43,473 --> 00:12:44,839
Uh, careful.
276
00:12:44,841 --> 00:12:47,475
I've got a producer
credit on that.
277
00:12:47,477 --> 00:12:48,676
[knock on door]
278
00:12:48,678 --> 00:12:50,545
Max, your package is here.
279
00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:54,182
Hey.
280
00:12:54,184 --> 00:12:55,750
Hope you like white wine.
281
00:12:55,752 --> 00:12:57,618
Of course.
I live with her.
282
00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,188
And "her" is leaving.
283
00:13:00,190 --> 00:13:01,622
Nice to see you,
Owen.
284
00:13:01,624 --> 00:13:03,658
You two have a great time
getting to know each other.
285
00:13:03,660 --> 00:13:05,026
Don't let this one
talk your ear off.
286
00:13:05,028 --> 00:13:07,094
She's the type of girl
that just loves to talk.
287
00:13:09,598 --> 00:13:11,265
You look beautiful.
288
00:13:11,267 --> 00:13:12,934
You went to all this trouble.
289
00:13:12,936 --> 00:13:15,036
I did.
Thank you.
290
00:13:15,038 --> 00:13:17,038
And you look...
291
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,574
man-beautiful.
292
00:13:19,576 --> 00:13:23,244
Shall we sit
and get to know each other?
293
00:13:23,246 --> 00:13:26,314
Like, for instance,
294
00:13:26,316 --> 00:13:27,982
"Your wife's
work friend Gary
295
00:13:27,984 --> 00:13:29,650
"invites her away
on a business trip
296
00:13:29,652 --> 00:13:31,152
"where they'd be
sharing one room.
297
00:13:31,154 --> 00:13:32,353
Do you, A--"
298
00:13:32,355 --> 00:13:33,554
- Max.
- I know.
299
00:13:33,556 --> 00:13:35,690
Obviously, she bones him.
300
00:13:39,094 --> 00:13:41,295
When I said
"get to know each other,"
301
00:13:41,297 --> 00:13:43,164
I wasn't thinking
"Scruples."
302
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:46,234
I'm more of a "Hungry
Hungry Hippos" guy.
303
00:13:46,236 --> 00:13:48,269
I wish I could afford
"Scruples."
304
00:13:48,271 --> 00:13:50,171
This is "Scrumples."
305
00:13:51,573 --> 00:13:53,007
Look, I don't know
how to do this.
306
00:13:53,009 --> 00:13:54,208
I feel stupid.
307
00:13:54,210 --> 00:13:55,509
You may feel stupid,
308
00:13:55,511 --> 00:13:57,345
but you look really cute
right now.
309
00:13:57,347 --> 00:13:59,013
I do?
310
00:13:59,015 --> 00:14:00,214
How cute do I look?
311
00:14:00,216 --> 00:14:02,783
A, super very a lot.
312
00:14:02,785 --> 00:14:03,985
B--
313
00:14:03,987 --> 00:14:06,020
Oh, it's A.
314
00:14:06,022 --> 00:14:08,589
Seriously, have you never
gotten to know anybody ever?
315
00:14:08,591 --> 00:14:11,359
I...don't know.
316
00:14:11,361 --> 00:14:12,727
How do people
get to know each other?
317
00:14:12,729 --> 00:14:15,897
I mean, what
do you want to know?
318
00:14:15,899 --> 00:14:17,698
We didn't have
any money growing up.
319
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,400
My mom was an alcoholic.
320
00:14:19,402 --> 00:14:21,402
My father was...
321
00:14:21,404 --> 00:14:26,607
not able to be located
by Maury Povich.
322
00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:28,509
We moved a lot because
323
00:14:28,511 --> 00:14:31,512
the parking brake
on our house didn't work.
324
00:14:33,515 --> 00:14:35,283
So now you know me.
325
00:14:35,285 --> 00:14:37,818
I guess you'll be leaving.
326
00:14:44,693 --> 00:14:48,796
Was that an
A, kiss good-bye?
327
00:14:50,165 --> 00:14:52,900
That's for being cute
and for sharing that.
328
00:14:54,236 --> 00:14:57,972
I definitely think
we should skip dinner--
329
00:14:57,974 --> 00:14:59,640
blow this out 'cause
I worry about fire;
330
00:14:59,642 --> 00:15:02,576
that's something about me--
331
00:15:02,578 --> 00:15:05,646
and go straight
to dessert.
332
00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:11,052
Is it weird that
I want to talk now?
333
00:15:13,221 --> 00:15:14,722
[belt buckle jingles, fly zips]
334
00:15:14,724 --> 00:15:16,123
(Owen)
Oh, wow.
335
00:15:16,125 --> 00:15:18,125
Going right for it, huh?
336
00:15:18,127 --> 00:15:19,327
(Max)
Wow.
337
00:15:19,329 --> 00:15:21,929
Never would've drawn that.
338
00:15:21,931 --> 00:15:23,331
♪
339
00:15:27,336 --> 00:15:29,003
I can't believe
you won't tell me
340
00:15:29,005 --> 00:15:31,973
what's not regular about
Owen's "down there."
341
00:15:31,975 --> 00:15:34,141
I tell you everything.
342
00:15:35,577 --> 00:15:36,777
Fine.
343
00:15:36,779 --> 00:15:38,412
Meet me at the first
coleslaw tub.
344
00:15:38,414 --> 00:15:39,613
Come alone.
345
00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:43,017
- Get out.
- But I'm cooking.
346
00:15:43,019 --> 00:15:44,986
Get out.
347
00:15:44,988 --> 00:15:47,321
Fine.
This is garbage anyway.
348
00:15:50,792 --> 00:15:51,993
Okay, okay.
Tell me.
349
00:15:51,995 --> 00:15:53,194
All right.
350
00:15:53,196 --> 00:15:55,162
Remember on "Full House,"
351
00:15:55,164 --> 00:15:57,898
when you thought
there was one Michelle,
352
00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:01,502
but there were actually
two Michelles...
353
00:16:03,605 --> 00:16:04,605
Why are you bringing up
354
00:16:04,607 --> 00:16:07,675
one of the craziest
days of my life?
355
00:16:07,677 --> 00:16:09,810
He has two.
356
00:16:09,812 --> 00:16:11,245
Two what?
357
00:16:11,247 --> 00:16:12,446
Owen has two penises!
358
00:16:12,448 --> 00:16:14,682
Why is it so hard
to understand?
359
00:16:17,285 --> 00:16:19,420
Is that a thing
that can happen?
360
00:16:19,422 --> 00:16:21,022
Yes.
It's called diphallia.
361
00:16:21,024 --> 00:16:22,757
I just Googled it.
362
00:16:26,294 --> 00:16:28,362
It's a medical condition
in which a male
363
00:16:28,364 --> 00:16:30,331
is born with two penises.
364
00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:34,068
The only case in which
two dongs make a right.
365
00:16:36,304 --> 00:16:39,707
Oleg, this was
supposed to be private.
366
00:16:39,709 --> 00:16:42,309
I think you mean
"privates."
367
00:16:43,912 --> 00:16:45,746
What's the ball count?
368
00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:51,252
Oleg,
stop Googling!
369
00:16:51,254 --> 00:16:52,620
I'm not Googling.
370
00:16:52,622 --> 00:16:54,255
Now I'm on the phone
with Sophie.
371
00:16:54,257 --> 00:16:56,290
(Sophie)
Who has two penises?
372
00:16:57,859 --> 00:16:59,160
Max's boyfriend.
373
00:16:59,162 --> 00:17:00,928
What's going on back here?
374
00:17:00,930 --> 00:17:03,798
(Sophie)
Max's boyfriend
has two penises!
375
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,900
Okay! Okay!
That's it.
376
00:17:05,902 --> 00:17:08,035
No more talk
about Owen's penis
377
00:17:08,037 --> 00:17:11,439
or his other penis.
378
00:17:11,441 --> 00:17:13,974
Well, Max, I guess
he's not the one...
379
00:17:13,976 --> 00:17:16,277
'cause he's the two.
380
00:17:18,013 --> 00:17:20,481
Actually,
I really like him,
381
00:17:20,483 --> 00:17:23,384
and not just because
I can cheat on him with him.
382
00:17:24,953 --> 00:17:26,520
Max, you can't be serious.
383
00:17:26,522 --> 00:17:29,023
Hey, everyone has
something wrong with them.
384
00:17:29,025 --> 00:17:30,291
I'm messed up on the inside.
385
00:17:30,293 --> 00:17:31,759
At least Owen's
is right out there
386
00:17:31,761 --> 00:17:32,960
where you can see it.
387
00:17:32,962 --> 00:17:37,965
♪
388
00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:40,901
Owen's stopping by
just to chat.
389
00:17:40,903 --> 00:17:42,136
I like talking now.
390
00:17:42,138 --> 00:17:43,370
I think I'm gonna tell him
391
00:17:43,372 --> 00:17:45,072
about the first time
I ran away from home.
392
00:17:45,074 --> 00:17:47,308
I crawled to Detroit.
393
00:17:47,310 --> 00:17:49,243
Max, I think it's great
you were able
394
00:17:49,245 --> 00:17:51,278
to look past Owen's situation.
395
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,281
Even the sight of one of them
can be disturbing.
396
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:56,817
Hey, everybody!
397
00:17:56,819 --> 00:17:58,252
Oh, good news.
398
00:17:58,254 --> 00:18:00,754
Oleg's got strong sperm.
399
00:18:02,057 --> 00:18:05,059
Well, that's the end
of this cookie.
400
00:18:05,061 --> 00:18:06,660
And the bad news is...
401
00:18:06,662 --> 00:18:09,396
Oh, I thought
that was the bad news.
402
00:18:09,398 --> 00:18:11,465
I went back to the doctor,
and he said
403
00:18:11,467 --> 00:18:13,534
I can still get pregnant.
404
00:18:13,536 --> 00:18:15,603
It's just gonna
take a while, you know,
405
00:18:15,605 --> 00:18:19,206
'cause my eggs are a bit
like the eggs here at the diner.
406
00:18:19,208 --> 00:18:21,675
You know, not exactly bad,
407
00:18:21,677 --> 00:18:25,813
just real close
to the use-by date.
408
00:18:25,815 --> 00:18:27,715
Sophie, what made you
go back to the doctor?
409
00:18:27,717 --> 00:18:31,452
Well, you know, I was doing
a lot of soul-searching,
410
00:18:31,454 --> 00:18:34,522
and I left my purse there.
411
00:18:34,524 --> 00:18:36,390
So I figured, you know,
while I'm here,
412
00:18:36,392 --> 00:18:38,392
why not take a look,
you know?
413
00:18:38,394 --> 00:18:41,795
I mean, like Max said,
everybody's got something.
414
00:18:41,797 --> 00:18:42,997
Well, not to brag,
415
00:18:42,999 --> 00:18:45,266
but mine's
got two somethings.
416
00:18:46,601 --> 00:18:48,402
Hi.
I'm here for, uh...
417
00:18:48,404 --> 00:18:50,638
Table for two.
I mean one!
418
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,242
Why did I say two?
419
00:18:55,244 --> 00:18:57,044
I don't know.
Have a good one.
420
00:18:57,046 --> 00:18:58,946
You too.
I mean, one!
421
00:19:00,282 --> 00:19:03,584
Oh, hi.
Yeah.
422
00:19:03,586 --> 00:19:06,320
I've heard a lot
about you.
423
00:19:06,322 --> 00:19:08,122
You know, but not everything.
424
00:19:08,124 --> 00:19:10,891
You know, just
a couple of things.
425
00:19:12,294 --> 00:19:13,827
- She knows?
- What?
426
00:19:13,829 --> 00:19:15,829
Um, no.
427
00:19:15,831 --> 00:19:17,398
This is like meeting Elvis
428
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,434
if Elvis had two penises
and didn't die on his toilet.
429
00:19:21,269 --> 00:19:22,970
Okay.
They all know.
430
00:19:22,972 --> 00:19:25,539
Owen, wait!
Wait. I'm sorry.
431
00:19:26,608 --> 00:19:30,444
Uh, I expected him
to walk differently.
432
00:19:30,446 --> 00:19:31,879
Did anybody else think that?
433
00:19:31,881 --> 00:19:35,983
Yeah, I was wondering
if he wears briefs and boxers.
434
00:19:35,985 --> 00:19:39,353
I was wondering if he'd let me
take a selfie with them.
435
00:19:39,355 --> 00:19:41,355
Guys,
Max really likes Owen,
436
00:19:41,357 --> 00:19:42,723
and she might have
blown it.
437
00:19:42,725 --> 00:19:45,392
Which, again,
seems like a lot of work.
438
00:19:46,828 --> 00:19:48,462
What happened?
439
00:19:48,464 --> 00:19:49,863
He broke up with me.
440
00:19:49,865 --> 00:19:51,465
He broke up with you?
441
00:19:51,467 --> 00:19:52,800
He said I betrayed
his trust,
442
00:19:52,802 --> 00:19:54,468
and I said,
whether I like it or not,
443
00:19:54,470 --> 00:19:55,936
you guys know everything.
444
00:19:55,938 --> 00:19:57,338
You're part of the package.
445
00:19:57,340 --> 00:19:58,672
And what did he say?
446
00:19:58,674 --> 00:20:01,642
He said my package
was too much for him.
447
00:20:01,644 --> 00:20:05,479
Your package
is too much?
448
00:20:05,481 --> 00:20:08,482
I mean, he's driving
a double-decker.
449
00:20:10,151 --> 00:20:12,620
Coleslaw tub.
Come alone.
450
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:15,689
Are you okay?
451
00:20:15,691 --> 00:20:16,924
I'm fine.
452
00:20:16,926 --> 00:20:18,492
I don't really believe you,
453
00:20:18,494 --> 00:20:20,828
but I do know something
that might make you feel better.
454
00:20:21,863 --> 00:20:23,063
Oh, God! No!
455
00:20:23,065 --> 00:20:25,165
No more girl talk.
456
00:20:25,167 --> 00:20:26,634
Private stash.
457
00:20:26,636 --> 00:20:29,203
I get sad a lot
in here.
458
00:20:29,205 --> 00:20:31,038
[can hisses]
459
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,973
I really liked him.
460
00:20:32,975 --> 00:20:34,508
[can hisses]
461
00:20:34,510 --> 00:20:36,143
I did what you said,
462
00:20:36,145 --> 00:20:37,611
and I let him
get to know me.
463
00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:39,480
[can hisses]
464
00:20:39,482 --> 00:20:42,349
I'm never doing that again.
465
00:20:42,351 --> 00:20:45,052
This isn't doing it for me.
466
00:20:45,054 --> 00:20:47,221
[cans hiss]
467
00:20:47,223 --> 00:20:48,856
I'm gonna miss him.
468
00:20:49,658 --> 00:20:54,662
♪
469
00:20:56,865 --> 00:20:59,867
[upbeat music]
470
00:20:59,869 --> 00:21:07,875
♪