1
00:00:01,612 --> 00:00:05,514
I'll go check on your salads.
2
00:00:05,516 --> 00:00:08,250
Oleg, what's the hold up
with the salads?
3
00:00:08,252 --> 00:00:11,753
I never made one before.
4
00:00:11,755 --> 00:00:14,456
My two favorite guys,
Big Doug and Sancho,
5
00:00:14,458 --> 00:00:15,891
are ordering salads?
6
00:00:15,893 --> 00:00:17,793
What happened
to their usual BLTs?
7
00:00:17,795 --> 00:00:20,529
Burgers, lasagna,
and tacos?
8
00:00:20,531 --> 00:00:22,431
They said they
want to lose weight.
9
00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:23,765
And no matter
what you order,
10
00:00:23,767 --> 00:00:26,968
it's easier to
throw up here than at home.
11
00:00:26,970 --> 00:00:29,604
I don't get why nobody
wants to be fat anymore.
12
00:00:29,606 --> 00:00:32,874
The fat seasons of Oprah
were always the best.
13
00:00:35,479 --> 00:00:36,912
You're right.
14
00:00:36,914 --> 00:00:40,048
Every other year of Oprah
was the best years.
15
00:00:42,319 --> 00:00:45,387
What is this I hear about you
blushing beauties on a diet?
16
00:00:45,389 --> 00:00:46,788
Oh, we're not blushing.
17
00:00:46,790 --> 00:00:51,626
We're just still
flushed from sitting down.
18
00:00:51,628 --> 00:00:53,095
And we're trying
to get in shape.
19
00:00:53,097 --> 00:00:55,397
Yeah, preferably a shape
that doesn't resemble
20
00:00:55,399 --> 00:00:58,400
a seasonal gourd.
21
00:00:58,402 --> 00:01:00,102
Plus my girlfriend
wants me to slim down
22
00:01:00,104 --> 00:01:03,505
so we can sit on the same side
of the plane when we travel.
23
00:01:07,010 --> 00:01:08,844
Well, Big Doug,
24
00:01:08,846 --> 00:01:12,314
you tell that lucky lady
that I would rather date a man
25
00:01:12,316 --> 00:01:14,116
with boobs bigger than mine
26
00:01:14,118 --> 00:01:17,519
than a man who brings his own
salad dressing to a restaurant.
27
00:01:21,925 --> 00:01:23,558
Pie me.
28
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,460
Cherry, pumpkin,
or coconut cream?
29
00:01:25,462 --> 00:01:29,164
(both)
Yes.
30
00:01:29,166 --> 00:01:30,599
Max Black,
31
00:01:30,601 --> 00:01:34,970
bringing smiles
to men's faces since puberty.
32
00:01:34,972 --> 00:01:37,239
(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
33
00:01:37,241 --> 00:01:38,673
[cash register bell dings]
34
00:01:38,675 --> 00:01:44,146
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ¶
35
00:01:48,552 --> 00:01:50,252
I just talked
to this guy at--
36
00:01:50,254 --> 00:01:53,822
I think it's table three,
I still don't know the numbers.
37
00:01:53,824 --> 00:01:55,724
Anyway, he asked,
"What's new?"
38
00:01:55,726 --> 00:01:57,392
And I told him we were
opening a dessert bar
39
00:01:57,394 --> 00:01:58,793
at the airport tomorrow.
40
00:01:58,795 --> 00:02:01,096
Then I realized he was
asking what kind of pot
41
00:02:01,098 --> 00:02:04,332
I was selling this week.
42
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:07,202
Why are you telling people
about us and the airport?
43
00:02:07,204 --> 00:02:10,272
It's like when you told everyone
you thought you had HPV.
44
00:02:12,409 --> 00:02:16,545
That was a state-mandated
kind of thing.
45
00:02:17,447 --> 00:02:18,747
Oh, look who it is--
46
00:02:18,749 --> 00:02:20,115
the airport people.
47
00:02:20,117 --> 00:02:23,084
You guys putting together
a little happy hour?
48
00:02:23,086 --> 00:02:24,686
With the jocks at Southwest?
49
00:02:24,688 --> 00:02:28,590
Or the "in crowd"
at the Virgin Terminal?
50
00:02:28,592 --> 00:02:33,628
You know who's going
to be a terminal virgin?
51
00:02:33,630 --> 00:02:35,564
You can make all
the death threats you want,
52
00:02:35,566 --> 00:02:37,165
but you know what
will keep me alive?
53
00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:39,434
The fact that you two
work at the airport.
54
00:02:39,436 --> 00:02:42,971
[laughing]
55
00:02:42,973 --> 00:02:47,576
Hey, everybody!
56
00:02:47,578 --> 00:02:50,912
Here comes the almost bride.
57
00:02:50,914 --> 00:02:54,049
Did you ever see
a prettier almost bride?
58
00:02:54,051 --> 00:02:58,086
I mean, you know,
besides Jennifer Aniston.
59
00:02:58,088 --> 00:03:00,655
Sophie, it's only one week
till the wedding,
60
00:03:00,657 --> 00:03:04,926
so this is your last chance
to take a run at me.
61
00:03:04,928 --> 00:03:06,661
Now you won't be disappointed.
62
00:03:06,663 --> 00:03:09,798
I'm still very sexually active
63
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:14,636
for the first five minutes.
64
00:03:14,638 --> 00:03:16,338
Oh, Earl.
65
00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:18,073
If I took a run at you,
66
00:03:18,075 --> 00:03:21,276
you'd go right through that wall
like Wile E. Coyote.
67
00:03:25,115 --> 00:03:26,414
Hey, bridesmaid.
68
00:03:26,416 --> 00:03:29,351
(both)
Hey, Sophie.
69
00:03:29,353 --> 00:03:30,785
Hey, Oleg.
70
00:03:30,787 --> 00:03:33,655
You got a message from
your brother in the Ukraine.
71
00:03:33,657 --> 00:03:35,523
Yoshinko called?
72
00:03:35,525 --> 00:03:38,727
Yeah,
hear this message.
73
00:03:47,304 --> 00:03:48,837
What was the message?
74
00:03:48,839 --> 00:03:52,741
"Hey, Oleg,
did you see last night's Alf?"
75
00:03:52,743 --> 00:03:56,044
Nah...
I don't speak Ukrainian.
76
00:03:56,046 --> 00:04:00,815
I mean, what am I,
a plumber in Queens?
77
00:04:00,817 --> 00:04:03,318
No, so I brought
the whole thing in.
78
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,486
Here he is.
79
00:04:04,488 --> 00:04:05,487
Oleg...
80
00:04:05,489 --> 00:04:10,692
[speaking Ukrainian]
81
00:04:11,728 --> 00:04:13,528
Good-bye.
82
00:04:13,530 --> 00:04:16,331
[speaking Ukrainian]
83
00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:18,333
What did he say?
84
00:04:18,335 --> 00:04:19,334
He's not coming.
85
00:04:19,336 --> 00:04:20,669
I understood a little
86
00:04:20,671 --> 00:04:22,037
'cause I had a Russian
au pair growing up.
87
00:04:22,039 --> 00:04:25,106
You know, until she
bleached my good jeans.
88
00:04:25,108 --> 00:04:27,142
Yoshinko can't come
to the wedding.
89
00:04:27,144 --> 00:04:29,344
He's on a no-fly list,
a no-drive list,
90
00:04:29,346 --> 00:04:32,747
and a no-walk list.
91
00:04:32,749 --> 00:04:34,783
He's in jail.
92
00:04:34,785 --> 00:04:37,118
Oh, but he was
gonna be your best man.
93
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,755
I got a ham
engraved for him.
94
00:04:40,757 --> 00:04:42,457
Don't worry, baby,
I'll find someone.
95
00:04:42,459 --> 00:04:43,892
It could be anyone.
96
00:04:43,894 --> 00:04:46,227
He doesn't even have to be
the best or even good.
97
00:04:46,229 --> 00:04:48,096
I'll have to
lower my standards.
98
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:52,634
Han,
99
00:04:52,636 --> 00:04:54,769
will you be my best man?
100
00:04:54,771 --> 00:04:57,972
You said lower,
not sub-basement.
101
00:05:00,877 --> 00:05:04,479
Well, Oleg,
I'll need to think about it.
102
00:05:04,481 --> 00:05:06,281
Yes.
103
00:05:06,283 --> 00:05:07,782
Great.
So Han,
104
00:05:07,784 --> 00:05:10,151
you're in charge
of the bachelor party tomorrow.
105
00:05:10,153 --> 00:05:13,121
I want a night that will
disgrace all involved.
106
00:05:13,123 --> 00:05:15,323
A night where no one can look
each other in the eye
107
00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:18,526
at brunch the next day.
108
00:05:18,528 --> 00:05:19,794
Wow, Han.
109
00:05:19,796 --> 00:05:21,930
Bachelor party's
a big responsibility.
110
00:05:21,932 --> 00:05:24,799
Do you know any grown-ups
who can buy you beer?
111
00:05:24,801 --> 00:05:26,000
[rock music]
112
00:05:26,002 --> 00:05:29,671
¶
113
00:05:29,673 --> 00:05:31,106
Max, hurry.
114
00:05:31,108 --> 00:05:33,942
The grand opening of
this pink airport dungeon
115
00:05:33,944 --> 00:05:36,177
is in a few minutes.
116
00:05:36,179 --> 00:05:37,946
That TSA line
took forever.
117
00:05:37,948 --> 00:05:39,647
The woman with
all those nickels?
118
00:05:39,649 --> 00:05:44,386
I haven't seen that much change
on a lady since Chaz Bono.
119
00:05:44,388 --> 00:05:45,487
Don't worry,
120
00:05:45,489 --> 00:05:47,555
I'm making friends
in the TSA.
121
00:05:47,557 --> 00:05:50,759
Judy, big gal,
little beard?
122
00:05:50,761 --> 00:05:52,861
Having lunch with her
at the Wok N' Roll
123
00:05:52,863 --> 00:05:54,796
near Malaysia Airlines.
124
00:05:54,798 --> 00:05:59,601
It's pretty quiet
over there these days.
125
00:05:59,603 --> 00:06:01,269
Hey, ladies.
126
00:06:01,271 --> 00:06:03,004
Opening day,
I'm so excited
127
00:06:03,006 --> 00:06:07,542
my nipples have been shooting
daggers since I woke up.
128
00:06:07,544 --> 00:06:09,411
Seriously, I haven't been
this excited
129
00:06:09,413 --> 00:06:14,682
since my parents sent me
to military school.
130
00:06:14,684 --> 00:06:17,786
God, does everything have
to be fun when you're gay?
131
00:06:17,788 --> 00:06:21,156
If it isn't,
you're not doing it right.
132
00:06:21,158 --> 00:06:23,391
I'm just happy I get
to be out front here.
133
00:06:23,393 --> 00:06:27,429
Finally, I won't be
stuffed in the back.
134
00:06:27,431 --> 00:06:29,731
I mean unless I run
into a Republican senator
135
00:06:29,733 --> 00:06:33,635
in the men's room.
136
00:06:33,637 --> 00:06:36,371
Come on,
let's open up.
137
00:06:36,373 --> 00:06:39,641
But dat key though?
138
00:06:39,643 --> 00:06:41,709
I love this job.
139
00:06:41,711 --> 00:06:43,778
Wait, should someone
make a speech?
140
00:06:43,780 --> 00:06:45,346
A speech?
141
00:06:45,348 --> 00:06:47,415
If you want to hear my thoughts
on opening this place,
142
00:06:47,417 --> 00:06:50,251
I'll just CC you
on my suicide note.
143
00:06:50,253 --> 00:06:53,688
Fine, I'll make a speech.
144
00:06:53,690 --> 00:06:56,624
To all the school janitors who
told me I'd never have
145
00:06:56,626 --> 00:07:00,028
my own giant set of keys,
146
00:07:00,030 --> 00:07:02,964
too big for any pocket,
147
00:07:02,966 --> 00:07:06,835
and that I wasn't
a good kisser?
148
00:07:06,837 --> 00:07:10,038
They can all suck it.
149
00:07:13,009 --> 00:07:17,345
Yes! Rise, gate, rise!
150
00:07:17,347 --> 00:07:18,847
Ooh, you go, gate.
151
00:07:18,849 --> 00:07:20,048
[laughs]
152
00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:23,852
Yes, I'm drunk with power.
153
00:07:23,854 --> 00:07:26,921
Also, a little drunk.
154
00:07:26,923 --> 00:07:32,393
All right.
Here they come.
155
00:07:32,395 --> 00:07:34,229
Yep.
156
00:07:34,231 --> 00:07:35,997
Any minute.
157
00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:37,365
Just our luck.
158
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:41,569
The one day
the airport isn't crowded.
159
00:07:41,571 --> 00:07:43,738
Well, I guess I have time
to go check my make-up
160
00:07:43,740 --> 00:07:46,341
in the men's room.
161
00:07:46,343 --> 00:07:48,710
[phone vibrates]
162
00:07:48,712 --> 00:07:50,278
It's Han.
163
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:53,147
He wants us to come to Oleg's
bachelor party tonight.
164
00:07:53,149 --> 00:07:54,582
I've gotten a call
like this before,
165
00:07:54,584 --> 00:07:56,451
but usually it's through
a service that involves
166
00:07:56,453 --> 00:08:01,623
making some tassels spin
in opposite directions.
167
00:08:01,625 --> 00:08:03,224
No way.
168
00:08:03,226 --> 00:08:06,094
You know I was planning on
going home and crying tonight.
169
00:08:06,096 --> 00:08:07,695
Han is planning a party.
170
00:08:07,697 --> 00:08:10,565
You will cry there for sure.
171
00:08:10,567 --> 00:08:12,934
That's true.
I really can cry anywhere now.
172
00:08:12,936 --> 00:08:16,504
I guess I've got that at least.
173
00:08:16,506 --> 00:08:20,508
I can't believe I work
at the airport, Max.
174
00:08:20,510 --> 00:08:23,912
Hey, would you feel better
if you held my giant keys?
175
00:08:27,584 --> 00:08:31,452
Hello?
176
00:08:31,454 --> 00:08:33,254
Hello.
177
00:08:33,256 --> 00:08:35,723
Welcome, you're
our first customer.
178
00:08:35,725 --> 00:08:37,926
Do I get a prize?
179
00:08:37,928 --> 00:08:39,427
Is it you?
180
00:08:42,198 --> 00:08:45,333
I'm on board now.
I love this job.
181
00:08:51,641 --> 00:08:53,074
Welcome,
everyone.
182
00:08:53,076 --> 00:08:55,476
I'm your M.C.,
Han Lee,
183
00:08:55,478 --> 00:08:57,545
gonna get the crazy party
started here
184
00:08:57,547 --> 00:09:00,548
with some dirty, racy jokes.
185
00:09:00,550 --> 00:09:02,951
This is the deadest place
I've ever been to,
186
00:09:02,953 --> 00:09:07,388
and I once
woke up in Heaven.
187
00:09:07,390 --> 00:09:09,557
Okay, here we go.
188
00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:13,695
What do a Rubik's Cube
and a penis have in common?
189
00:09:13,697 --> 00:09:16,898
The more you play with it,
the harder it gets.
190
00:09:19,836 --> 00:09:24,205
A Rubik's Cube was
a popular '80s toy.
191
00:09:24,207 --> 00:09:26,841
You suck!
Next act.
192
00:09:26,843 --> 00:09:29,510
[laughter]
193
00:09:29,512 --> 00:09:33,982
What do a walrus and a
Tupperware have in common?
194
00:09:33,984 --> 00:09:35,016
Hold on a minute.
195
00:09:35,018 --> 00:09:39,621
Something about
a seal being tight...
196
00:09:39,623 --> 00:09:41,089
[phone dings]
197
00:09:41,091 --> 00:09:42,557
[gasps]
Oh!
198
00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:45,293
I just got a text
from Josh, the pilot.
199
00:09:45,295 --> 00:09:47,028
He says,
"What's up, you?"
200
00:09:47,030 --> 00:09:49,197
Isn't that cute?
201
00:09:49,199 --> 00:09:53,668
Cute that he
forgot your name?
202
00:09:53,670 --> 00:09:57,238
It's really been a long time
for you, hasn't it?
203
00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:03,011
I took off my underwear last
week and a coyote howled.
204
00:10:03,013 --> 00:10:03,811
Tough crowd.
205
00:10:03,813 --> 00:10:07,448
I'm talking about you, Max.
206
00:10:07,450 --> 00:10:08,916
Oh come on, Han.
Loosen up.
207
00:10:08,918 --> 00:10:09,984
Have a drink.
208
00:10:09,986 --> 00:10:15,657
A martini, an appletini,
anything teeny.
209
00:10:15,659 --> 00:10:17,225
Nah, just do a vodka shot.
210
00:10:17,227 --> 00:10:20,194
If nothing else, the glass will
look normal-sized in your hand
211
00:10:20,196 --> 00:10:21,329
and I'll have a laugh.
212
00:10:21,331 --> 00:10:23,464
[laughs]
213
00:10:23,466 --> 00:10:26,200
Can't hurt.
214
00:10:26,202 --> 00:10:29,203
But it did.
215
00:10:29,205 --> 00:10:30,772
Thanks for the party, Han.
216
00:10:30,774 --> 00:10:33,875
What time is it starting?
217
00:10:33,877 --> 00:10:35,476
I've never been a best man.
218
00:10:35,478 --> 00:10:38,146
It's a lot of pressure.
219
00:10:38,148 --> 00:10:39,881
Yeah, being a man
would be hard for you.
220
00:10:39,883 --> 00:10:42,884
You've never
been one before.
221
00:10:42,886 --> 00:10:46,154
Let alone the best one.
222
00:10:49,893 --> 00:10:55,763
What's in that,
ground glass?
223
00:10:55,765 --> 00:10:58,766
Ugh, this party is worse than
the communist party.
224
00:10:58,768 --> 00:11:03,304
And they killed
half my family.
225
00:11:03,306 --> 00:11:06,040
Oleg, don't worry,
I'll get this party started.
226
00:11:06,042 --> 00:11:08,643
I'm making a call to some girls
I went to school with.
227
00:11:08,645 --> 00:11:11,746
The Slut Academy on Seventh.
228
00:11:11,748 --> 00:11:15,450
Commonly known as NYU.
229
00:11:15,452 --> 00:11:17,385
I'm more concerned
about my cousin.
230
00:11:17,387 --> 00:11:19,253
He has something I need.
231
00:11:19,255 --> 00:11:23,257
Soap? Deodorant?
The toughest actin' Tinactin?
232
00:11:23,259 --> 00:11:25,793
Oh, there he is!
233
00:11:25,795 --> 00:11:27,595
- [laughs]
- Hey, hey.
234
00:11:27,597 --> 00:11:29,964
Mwah, mwah.
235
00:11:29,966 --> 00:11:33,367
Well, he didn't
bring the deodorant.
236
00:11:33,369 --> 00:11:35,670
Yuri, you made it.
237
00:11:35,672 --> 00:11:37,872
Are you the stripper?
238
00:11:37,874 --> 00:11:41,342
Probably in a few years.
239
00:11:41,344 --> 00:11:42,610
Did you bring the papers?
240
00:11:42,612 --> 00:11:44,545
The papers I need
to get married?
241
00:11:44,547 --> 00:11:46,547
And those little
Ukrainian candies I love?
242
00:11:46,549 --> 00:11:47,915
Bad news.
243
00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:50,351
The guy who made
the fake papers got deported.
244
00:11:50,353 --> 00:11:51,619
They took the papers.
245
00:11:51,621 --> 00:11:53,621
I ate the candy.
246
00:11:53,623 --> 00:11:54,856
What'd I miss?
247
00:11:54,858 --> 00:11:58,259
Besides my chance
to become something?
248
00:11:58,261 --> 00:12:00,428
Are you the stripper?
249
00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:02,830
Nyet.
250
00:12:02,832 --> 00:12:07,635
A compliment and an insult
in just one word.
251
00:12:07,637 --> 00:12:09,337
Oh, no.
252
00:12:09,339 --> 00:12:12,206
Oh no, no,
no, no, no.
253
00:12:12,208 --> 00:12:14,876
Did I mention "no"?
254
00:12:14,878 --> 00:12:16,210
How can you say the word "no"
255
00:12:16,212 --> 00:12:20,148
but not understand it
when women say it?
256
00:12:20,150 --> 00:12:21,582
This is a disaster.
257
00:12:21,584 --> 00:12:24,886
And not the kind
where I can loot.
258
00:12:24,888 --> 00:12:28,256
I needed those fake papers to
renew my fake green card.
259
00:12:28,258 --> 00:12:30,024
Mine expires next month.
260
00:12:30,026 --> 00:12:32,527
Since when do you care
about expiration dates?
261
00:12:32,529 --> 00:12:36,264
You cook with eggs so old
they fight back.
262
00:12:36,266 --> 00:12:38,666
Sophie will never believe
that I'm not marrying her
263
00:12:38,668 --> 00:12:40,301
just for a green card.
264
00:12:40,303 --> 00:12:41,769
She has major trust issues
265
00:12:41,771 --> 00:12:44,872
since one day, her father
went out for pierogies and...
266
00:12:44,874 --> 00:12:48,876
came back without pierogies.
267
00:12:53,583 --> 00:12:56,284
[soulful music playing]
268
00:12:56,286 --> 00:12:58,352
I'm really enjoying
the dance stylings
269
00:12:58,354 --> 00:13:01,989
of Camel and Toe up there.
270
00:13:01,991 --> 00:13:04,492
Everyone is having fun
except Oleg.
271
00:13:04,494 --> 00:13:06,727
I haven't seen him so much as
put the "V" fingers
272
00:13:06,729 --> 00:13:10,231
in front of his mouth at
any of these ladies.
273
00:13:10,233 --> 00:13:11,566
Ooh!
274
00:13:11,568 --> 00:13:16,337
Wouldn't mind some over
the sweater action with her.
275
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,775
Hers or yours?
276
00:13:23,279 --> 00:13:27,081
Max, I just did something
I've never done.
277
00:13:27,083 --> 00:13:31,052
Told a story
about someone else?
278
00:13:31,054 --> 00:13:33,955
No, I sent
the pilot a boob pic.
279
00:13:33,957 --> 00:13:35,389
[gasps]
280
00:13:35,391 --> 00:13:38,526
Girl, you nasty.
281
00:13:38,528 --> 00:13:41,429
I know.
I am nasty!
282
00:13:41,431 --> 00:13:45,366
I just looked into the camera
with my boobs out and hit send.
283
00:13:45,368 --> 00:13:46,934
Ah-ha, that's awesome.
284
00:13:46,936 --> 00:13:49,570
Uh, circling back now,
285
00:13:49,572 --> 00:13:51,873
did you say you looked
into the camera?
286
00:13:51,875 --> 00:13:54,408
You didn't put your face
in it, did you?
287
00:13:54,410 --> 00:13:55,776
Girl!
288
00:13:55,778 --> 00:13:58,813
You stupid.
289
00:13:58,815 --> 00:14:00,882
How else would he
know it was me?
290
00:14:00,884 --> 00:14:03,017
You never put
your face in it.
291
00:14:03,019 --> 00:14:06,654
Didn't I raise you
better than this?
292
00:14:06,656 --> 00:14:11,692
Well, at least you
weren't smiling in it.
293
00:14:11,694 --> 00:14:13,561
All right,
what kind of smile?
294
00:14:13,563 --> 00:14:14,896
A flirty smirk could work.
295
00:14:14,898 --> 00:14:17,732
A come-hither grin
would be great.
296
00:14:17,734 --> 00:14:20,935
More like...
297
00:14:24,774 --> 00:14:29,610
So you were in this...
pose
298
00:14:29,612 --> 00:14:33,314
with your yabbos out?
299
00:14:33,316 --> 00:14:38,653
So you basically did
a nude yogurt ad.
300
00:14:38,655 --> 00:14:42,056
Yeah, but like yogurt you
want to have sex with, right?
301
00:14:44,861 --> 00:14:46,994
Oh, my God.
302
00:14:46,996 --> 00:14:48,896
Sophie will be
here any minute.
303
00:14:48,898 --> 00:14:50,932
When I called,
she was washing her hair.
304
00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:54,902
She was going to put it
back on her head and come.
305
00:14:54,904 --> 00:14:56,771
Just be honest with her.
306
00:14:56,773 --> 00:14:58,439
Sometimes the truth is ugly.
307
00:14:58,441 --> 00:15:01,642
But she knows that.
She's seen you naked.
308
00:15:01,644 --> 00:15:05,112
Well, still no text back so
apparently not as ugly as this.
309
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:08,916
What's that about?
310
00:15:08,918 --> 00:15:13,354
Are you selling
real estate now?
311
00:15:13,356 --> 00:15:14,622
[Rufus's
Tell Me Something Good]
312
00:15:14,624 --> 00:15:16,624
¶ Tell me something good ¶
313
00:15:16,626 --> 00:15:21,162
Oh, wow.
314
00:15:21,164 --> 00:15:24,031
I mean, this party couldn't
get any sleazier
315
00:15:24,033 --> 00:15:27,902
unless you invited Robin Thicke.
316
00:15:27,904 --> 00:15:29,870
I'm looking up
at skanky whore city,
317
00:15:29,872 --> 00:15:33,174
but I trust you, Oleg.
318
00:15:33,176 --> 00:15:34,175
You do?
319
00:15:34,177 --> 00:15:36,143
Yeah, why wouldn't I?
320
00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:38,713
Aside from
my complicated past
321
00:15:38,715 --> 00:15:42,450
full of men
that have lied to me.
322
00:15:42,452 --> 00:15:45,653
But you and I don't have secrets
from each other, right, Oleg?
323
00:15:45,655 --> 00:15:47,054
Yeah, well, you see--
324
00:15:47,056 --> 00:15:50,925
It is time for
the traditional best man speech.
325
00:15:50,927 --> 00:15:54,562
So listen up, bitches.
326
00:15:58,568 --> 00:16:04,038
Ow, damn it.
327
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:07,541
I am bleeding.
328
00:16:07,543 --> 00:16:09,810
Repeat,
I am bleeding.
329
00:16:09,812 --> 00:16:11,412
I can't believe this.
330
00:16:11,414 --> 00:16:13,314
There's an app that burps
when you shake your phone,
331
00:16:13,316 --> 00:16:17,518
but no app that
unsends a boob pic?
332
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:18,853
[clears throat]
333
00:16:18,855 --> 00:16:21,022
Sophie.
Oleg.
334
00:16:21,024 --> 00:16:24,425
What's there to say
about these two kids?
335
00:16:24,427 --> 00:16:26,827
Oleg is a bad cook.
336
00:16:26,829 --> 00:16:29,363
Sophie, quite loud.
337
00:16:29,365 --> 00:16:33,100
But somehow, when they
get together, magic.
338
00:16:33,102 --> 00:16:36,337
You suck,
next act!
339
00:16:36,339 --> 00:16:40,241
Says the lady that
works at the airport.
340
00:16:40,243 --> 00:16:43,511
And, Oleg, I'm so glad
Sophie is marrying you
341
00:16:43,513 --> 00:16:46,247
so now you can
stay in the country.
342
00:16:46,249 --> 00:16:47,982
(Max)
Oh, no. Uh...
343
00:16:47,984 --> 00:16:51,619
You suck.
Next act?
344
00:16:51,621 --> 00:16:54,188
Yeah, I hear ya girl.
345
00:16:54,190 --> 00:16:57,825
I mean that last joke
didn't even have a punch line.
346
00:16:57,827 --> 00:17:02,496
Yeah, I mean,
it was sort of sad.
347
00:17:02,498 --> 00:17:03,864
It was no joke.
348
00:17:03,866 --> 00:17:04,899
This is serious.
349
00:17:04,901 --> 00:17:06,200
It's really serious.
350
00:17:06,202 --> 00:17:07,868
That boob pic is up
in the Cloud now.
351
00:17:07,870 --> 00:17:11,605
My boob is
in the Cloud, y'all.
352
00:17:13,409 --> 00:17:18,012
Sophie, I didn't
know how to tell you.
353
00:17:18,014 --> 00:17:22,383
You wanted to marry me
for a green card?
354
00:17:22,385 --> 00:17:25,753
See, I thought you were
marrying me for my bod.
355
00:17:25,755 --> 00:17:31,225
Or for my connections at
The Container Store, or...
356
00:17:31,227 --> 00:17:36,497
I mean, I taught
you how to read!
357
00:17:36,499 --> 00:17:37,565
Sophie, I can explain.
358
00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:40,468
No, no, no.
The wedding's off.
359
00:17:40,470 --> 00:17:41,802
Oh, no.
360
00:17:41,804 --> 00:17:44,805
What the hell am I going to do
with all those pigeons
361
00:17:44,807 --> 00:17:48,142
that I had painted
wedding white?
362
00:17:48,144 --> 00:17:49,543
Sophie, wait.
363
00:17:49,545 --> 00:17:51,579
[hisses]
364
00:17:55,885 --> 00:18:00,621
¶
365
00:18:01,924 --> 00:18:05,192
Aww, well,
look who it is.
366
00:18:05,194 --> 00:18:09,196
My dearly deported.
367
00:18:09,198 --> 00:18:13,267
I worked on that
the whole way over.
368
00:18:13,269 --> 00:18:15,870
Sophie,
I'm not gonna be deported.
369
00:18:15,872 --> 00:18:18,672
I'm gonna marry someone so
I can stay in this country
370
00:18:18,674 --> 00:18:20,307
and win you back.
371
00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:24,011
I don't care who
my new bride is.
372
00:18:26,816 --> 00:18:29,483
Just upfront,
it can't be me.
373
00:18:29,485 --> 00:18:33,420
'Cause everybody knows
I'm married to my work.
374
00:18:36,225 --> 00:18:38,225
And it can't be me.
375
00:18:38,227 --> 00:18:40,728
It just can't.
376
00:18:40,730 --> 00:18:43,831
They don't even have to be
the best or even good.
377
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:47,401
Standards are out
the window.
378
00:18:50,206 --> 00:18:53,407
Look,
it's a California Raisin.
379
00:18:56,679 --> 00:18:59,079
Ooh. Sunglasses and Advil.
380
00:18:59,081 --> 00:19:02,116
Last night was mad real.
381
00:19:02,118 --> 00:19:03,450
(Oleg)
Han,
382
00:19:03,452 --> 00:19:07,221
will you marry me
so I can stay in the country?
383
00:19:07,223 --> 00:19:08,989
I'll need to think about it.
384
00:19:08,991 --> 00:19:11,892
Yes.
385
00:19:11,894 --> 00:19:16,163
Apparently the only thing he
won't say yes to is health care.
386
00:19:16,165 --> 00:19:19,500
Oleg, I don't believe you.
387
00:19:19,502 --> 00:19:21,835
This is just another trick
to get me to do
388
00:19:21,837 --> 00:19:23,671
what you want me to do.
389
00:19:23,673 --> 00:19:29,143
Like when you kept "dropping"
your ice cream into your lap.
390
00:19:29,145 --> 00:19:30,711
No trick.
391
00:19:30,713 --> 00:19:34,615
Sometimes love makes you do
crazy, disgusting things.
392
00:19:34,617 --> 00:19:35,583
Like this.
393
00:19:35,585 --> 00:19:38,786
[sprays mouthwash]
Come here, Han.
394
00:19:43,793 --> 00:19:48,596
And now I love
this job, too!
395
00:19:48,598 --> 00:19:53,367
Thank God he picked Han.
396
00:19:53,369 --> 00:19:56,437
Wow, Sophie.
Oleg must really love you.
397
00:19:56,439 --> 00:19:58,606
That had to be hard for him.
398
00:19:58,608 --> 00:20:01,809
And from what I can see,
a little hard for Han, too.
399
00:20:06,349 --> 00:20:10,584
At our wedding,
maybe two pumps of breath spray.
400
00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:14,955
Han,
you're not marrying Oleg.
401
00:20:14,957 --> 00:20:20,194
'Cause Oleg's marrying me.
402
00:20:20,196 --> 00:20:22,930
I believe you now.
403
00:20:22,932 --> 00:20:24,732
'Cause you kissed Han,
404
00:20:24,734 --> 00:20:28,802
and Asian girls
aren't even your thing.
405
00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:38,612
Oh my God, Max,
it's my boob pic.
406
00:20:38,614 --> 00:20:42,783
Someone made it
into a meme.
407
00:20:42,785 --> 00:20:45,753
A mammo meme?
408
00:20:45,755 --> 00:20:49,456
You're not supposed to need
those 'til you're 40.
409
00:20:49,458 --> 00:20:52,760
My boob pic is gonna be hanging
over me for the rest of my life.
410
00:20:52,762 --> 00:20:53,761
Oh, come on,
411
00:20:53,763 --> 00:20:56,697
your boob couldn't
hang over a pencil.
412
00:21:00,236 --> 00:21:01,468
[cash register bell dings]