1
00:00:02,613 --> 00:00:03,979
Miss?
2
00:00:03,981 --> 00:00:06,014
I have to apologize.
3
00:00:06,016 --> 00:00:07,983
Well, not to me, but I'm sure
the Amish are pissed
4
00:00:07,985 --> 00:00:12,521
that you're gaying up
their look.
5
00:00:12,523 --> 00:00:15,023
I don't have enough
money for the tip.
6
00:00:15,025 --> 00:00:17,426
Weird. You survive
the diner chili,
7
00:00:17,428 --> 00:00:20,162
and it's the waitress
that kills you!
8
00:00:20,164 --> 00:00:23,398
But I can tip another way.
I'm a psychic.
9
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,833
So, uh, you already know
10
00:00:24,835 --> 00:00:27,402
where they're gonna
find your body.
11
00:00:27,404 --> 00:00:29,438
Oh, please.
I die in a bridge collapse
12
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,673
you have nothing to do with.
13
00:00:31,675 --> 00:00:34,443
I can tell you your future.
14
00:00:34,445 --> 00:00:36,411
Ha! You're wrong.
I don't have one.
15
00:00:38,382 --> 00:00:40,248
See the guy
in the booth over there?
16
00:00:40,250 --> 00:00:42,951
Jared "Leto Himself Go"?
17
00:00:42,953 --> 00:00:46,121
He just offered to read
my future as my tip!
18
00:00:46,123 --> 00:00:48,090
Ha! You don't
have one.
19
00:00:51,462 --> 00:00:53,428
Miss, let me read
your palm.
20
00:00:53,430 --> 00:00:56,465
Sir, coming over here
right now is not a good idea.
21
00:00:56,467 --> 00:00:58,700
We don't like to be
stiffed by strangers.
22
00:00:58,702 --> 00:01:01,303
In six months, maybe,
but we're not there yet.
23
00:01:01,305 --> 00:01:03,472
I'm a legit psychic.
24
00:01:03,474 --> 00:01:05,373
I predicted long hair
was coming back
25
00:01:05,375 --> 00:01:08,577
in time to have long hair
when it did.
26
00:01:08,579 --> 00:01:09,878
Okay. You can read
my palm.
27
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,480
I could use some good news.
28
00:01:11,482 --> 00:01:14,983
I could also use some
hand moisturizer--sorry.
29
00:01:14,985 --> 00:01:17,385
I see two Ms?
30
00:01:17,387 --> 00:01:20,522
You bitch! Have you
been holding out on M&M's?
31
00:01:22,559 --> 00:01:25,927
Ooh! Is it the male model
32
00:01:25,929 --> 00:01:27,262
I'm managing
33
00:01:27,264 --> 00:01:31,666
who's also
making it with Max?
34
00:01:31,668 --> 00:01:35,403
Actually...I see
a small failure.
35
00:01:39,276 --> 00:01:43,912
I take it back.
You are good!
36
00:01:43,914 --> 00:01:45,247
(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
37
00:01:45,249 --> 00:01:47,249
[cash register bell dings]
38
00:01:47,251 --> 00:01:51,052
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ¶
39
00:01:59,630 --> 00:02:02,697
Here's your
chocolate lemon crumble.
40
00:02:02,699 --> 00:02:05,700
Sounds like it shouldn't
work together, but it does.
41
00:02:05,702 --> 00:02:08,503
It's the Tony Bennett
and Lady Gaga of desserts.
42
00:02:08,505 --> 00:02:11,540
Max, can I have
just a wee bite?
43
00:02:11,542 --> 00:02:13,041
A crumble of the crumble?
44
00:02:13,043 --> 00:02:14,476
Caroline won't let me
eat anything
45
00:02:14,478 --> 00:02:15,977
because of my big
photo shoot.
46
00:02:15,979 --> 00:02:17,712
[sighs]
Hurry!
47
00:02:17,714 --> 00:02:19,981
No chewing, no enjoying.
Just swallow.
48
00:02:19,983 --> 00:02:21,816
Spit that out!
49
00:02:21,818 --> 00:02:22,984
No!
50
00:02:22,986 --> 00:02:25,020
I said spit that out!
51
00:02:25,022 --> 00:02:28,490
You're a model now!
Shame on you!
52
00:02:28,492 --> 00:02:30,525
Bitch, he's starving.
53
00:02:31,728 --> 00:02:33,562
He's not eating, is he?
54
00:02:33,564 --> 00:02:35,330
I don't want
the Stay Puft Marshmallow man
55
00:02:35,332 --> 00:02:38,700
showing up
at my girlfriend's photo shoot.
56
00:02:38,702 --> 00:02:41,136
I haven't eaten anything
since Tuesday!
57
00:02:41,138 --> 00:02:43,338
This morning, he tried
to swallow his toothpaste,
58
00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:45,207
but I was right there
to stop him.
59
00:02:45,209 --> 00:02:46,708
Good, honey.
60
00:02:46,710 --> 00:02:48,643
That kind of heartlessness
is why I've decided
61
00:02:48,645 --> 00:02:50,545
to make you the manager
of our hot new location
62
00:02:50,547 --> 00:02:51,813
of the High.
63
00:02:51,815 --> 00:02:55,317
Oh, my God!
This is so exciting!
64
00:02:55,319 --> 00:02:57,686
Someone's finally realizing
my full potential,
65
00:02:57,688 --> 00:03:00,055
and it's not me!
66
00:03:00,057 --> 00:03:02,557
Will I be able to make Max
head pastry chef?
67
00:03:02,559 --> 00:03:05,227
And where is
this new location?
68
00:03:05,229 --> 00:03:07,028
Well, right now,
everything's under wraps
69
00:03:07,030 --> 00:03:09,164
the way my face was
six months ago.
70
00:03:09,166 --> 00:03:11,566
But as manager,
you can hire your own staff,
71
00:03:11,568 --> 00:03:13,268
and I'll even let you
poach Max.
72
00:03:13,270 --> 00:03:15,337
I'll also tell you
73
00:03:15,339 --> 00:03:17,372
the new spot is amazing.
74
00:03:17,374 --> 00:03:19,941
It's international.
It's a hub.
75
00:03:19,943 --> 00:03:22,210
I'm talking
major flagship.
76
00:03:22,212 --> 00:03:24,446
Honey, I get that
you're happy,
77
00:03:24,448 --> 00:03:26,748
but enough with
the eye contact.
78
00:03:26,750 --> 00:03:28,917
No one can look me
in the eye.
79
00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:32,687
I'm the Medusa in Chanel.
80
00:03:32,689 --> 00:03:34,422
Max doesn't let me
look her in the eyes
81
00:03:34,424 --> 00:03:35,724
during sex either.
82
00:03:35,726 --> 00:03:37,892
I told you,
eye contact's extra.
83
00:03:37,894 --> 00:03:40,962
Max, did you hear that?
84
00:03:40,964 --> 00:03:42,764
Major flagship!
85
00:03:42,766 --> 00:03:46,434
Uh, did someone just
call me a major flag?
86
00:03:46,436 --> 00:03:48,136
I think you did,
and if I don't get to
87
00:03:48,138 --> 00:03:50,071
go to the new place
with you two,
88
00:03:50,073 --> 00:03:51,640
I'm telling HR.
89
00:03:51,642 --> 00:03:55,443
That's Hector Rodriguez,
my therapist.
90
00:03:55,445 --> 00:03:57,412
Would you be interested
in coming to the new High
91
00:03:57,414 --> 00:03:59,114
as part of our team?
92
00:03:59,116 --> 00:04:00,649
If you say
"part of our team" again,
93
00:04:00,651 --> 00:04:01,983
I'll rethink
the whole thing.
94
00:04:01,985 --> 00:04:03,285
I'll take it.
95
00:04:03,287 --> 00:04:04,819
But I have to be
upfront with Max.
96
00:04:04,821 --> 00:04:06,421
I don't like it
in the back.
97
00:04:06,423 --> 00:04:10,325
Which, by the way, is what
I say to all my dates.
98
00:04:10,327 --> 00:04:11,860
Samesies!
99
00:04:13,397 --> 00:04:15,330
Well, this is great news.
100
00:04:15,332 --> 00:04:17,299
How about we celebrate
with a piece of pie?
101
00:04:17,301 --> 00:04:19,034
No!
102
00:04:23,340 --> 00:04:25,607
Earl, we have great news.
Guess what it is.
103
00:04:25,609 --> 00:04:28,510
No, don't. Okay, guess.
No, don't. Yes, guess, guess!
104
00:04:28,512 --> 00:04:29,944
Can we hurry this along?
105
00:04:29,946 --> 00:04:32,180
My cousin is on
Maury Povich today,
106
00:04:32,182 --> 00:04:35,750
and I wanna find out
if he's the father.
107
00:04:35,752 --> 00:04:38,987
'Cause then I can stop
paying child support.
108
00:04:38,989 --> 00:04:41,356
Sorry.
She's a little amped.
109
00:04:41,358 --> 00:04:43,425
She hasn't had
good news to share
110
00:04:43,427 --> 00:04:45,093
since we found out
the washing machine
111
00:04:45,095 --> 00:04:47,996
in our basement
takes buttons.
112
00:04:47,998 --> 00:04:50,031
Han! We have good news.
113
00:04:50,033 --> 00:04:51,533
Sure, you do.
114
00:04:51,535 --> 00:04:54,169
And I'm playing center
for the New York Knicks!
115
00:04:54,171 --> 00:04:56,204
Have you seen the Knicks
lately?
116
00:04:56,206 --> 00:04:58,673
He can only help.
117
00:04:58,675 --> 00:05:00,809
Well, according
to my time card,
118
00:05:00,811 --> 00:05:02,711
I've been here
for six hours already,
119
00:05:02,713 --> 00:05:05,180
so I'm gonna head back
and catch some Zs.
120
00:05:05,182 --> 00:05:07,949
The Mattress
is all yours, Max.
121
00:05:09,486 --> 00:05:13,021
Hey, everybody.
We weren't expecting company.
122
00:05:13,023 --> 00:05:14,956
I came by
123
00:05:14,958 --> 00:05:16,891
to discuss wedding details
with Oleg
124
00:05:16,893 --> 00:05:19,527
while we had intercourse.
125
00:05:19,529 --> 00:05:22,530
What is this,
the Bunny Ranch?
126
00:05:22,532 --> 00:05:25,066
Baby, I think these
are yours.
127
00:05:27,804 --> 00:05:29,337
Yeah.
128
00:05:29,339 --> 00:05:33,041
Yeah. Why, thank you,
honey.
129
00:05:33,043 --> 00:05:35,310
Can we just make it
a general rule
130
00:05:35,312 --> 00:05:39,013
that there's no fornication
in the diner?
131
00:05:39,015 --> 00:05:41,516
Or in Han's apartment,
ever.
132
00:05:41,518 --> 00:05:44,886
Okay, Max and I have some
really exciting news.
133
00:05:44,888 --> 00:05:47,455
Yeah, yeah.
We know all about the buttons.
134
00:05:49,893 --> 00:05:51,493
Oleg!
135
00:05:51,495 --> 00:05:54,496
I think you crushed
my seating arrangement!
136
00:05:54,498 --> 00:05:56,464
I'd like to think so.
137
00:05:59,736 --> 00:06:00,769
So, back to us.
138
00:06:00,771 --> 00:06:02,570
How 'bout back to work?
139
00:06:02,572 --> 00:06:04,672
Max and I...
140
00:06:04,674 --> 00:06:06,908
Need to do some work!
141
00:06:06,910 --> 00:06:08,643
There. End of news.
142
00:06:11,715 --> 00:06:14,416
Where are you running
off to so fast?
143
00:06:14,418 --> 00:06:17,619
Is someone having a sale
on smaller heads?
144
00:06:17,621 --> 00:06:21,122
I'm too small,
I'm too big--pick one!
145
00:06:21,124 --> 00:06:22,791
Here's our big news.
146
00:06:22,793 --> 00:06:24,592
You are looking at
the manager
147
00:06:24,594 --> 00:06:28,463
and the head pastry chef
of the brand-new High location.
148
00:06:28,465 --> 00:06:31,699
Actually, he's looking
at our kneecaps.
149
00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:33,802
Okay, so we're going with
too small.
150
00:06:33,804 --> 00:06:38,239
If you two quit the diner,
how will I ever replace you?
151
00:06:38,241 --> 00:06:40,942
Unless I hire...
literally anyone else!
152
00:06:42,813 --> 00:06:45,079
No, Han, we still
have to work here at night.
153
00:06:45,081 --> 00:06:46,815
We have more debt
than Jada Pinkett-Smith
154
00:06:46,817 --> 00:06:50,418
has excuses
for Will not being home.
155
00:06:50,420 --> 00:06:52,487
But at the new High,
156
00:06:52,489 --> 00:06:54,122
we're gonna be
the big bosses
157
00:06:54,124 --> 00:06:55,623
calling all the shots.
158
00:06:55,625 --> 00:06:58,460
Yes, yes...by day.
159
00:06:58,462 --> 00:07:02,330
But by night,
you'll be the coleslaw's bitch.
160
00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:05,567
Don't listen to him.
161
00:07:05,569 --> 00:07:07,902
Clearly, Han just
resents our success.
162
00:07:07,904 --> 00:07:12,507
I know! Why can't women ever
just be happy for each other?
163
00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:21,149
Wow, that is really hot.
164
00:07:21,151 --> 00:07:22,484
Yeah.
165
00:07:22,486 --> 00:07:25,753
The milder salsa's
right here.
166
00:07:25,755 --> 00:07:27,822
Listen--oh!
167
00:07:27,824 --> 00:07:29,657
Do girls eat now?
168
00:07:30,994 --> 00:07:35,296
Wow! Lena Dunham
changed everything!
169
00:07:35,298 --> 00:07:37,966
Listen, which one of you
is sleeping with the model?
170
00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:39,934
I know one of you said
you were,
171
00:07:39,936 --> 00:07:41,936
but I don't listen
when you talk.
172
00:07:41,938 --> 00:07:44,639
[muffled]
She is.
173
00:07:44,641 --> 00:07:47,008
This is a massive ad campaign,
174
00:07:47,010 --> 00:07:49,210
and I don't know
how else to say this,
175
00:07:49,212 --> 00:07:52,614
but I need his penis
to look bigger.
176
00:07:52,616 --> 00:07:54,482
Oh! Yeah...
177
00:07:54,484 --> 00:07:58,286
It gets nervous when
you shine a light on it.
178
00:07:58,288 --> 00:08:00,989
Sometimes I hear her coaxing
it out of its crawl space
179
00:08:00,991 --> 00:08:03,024
with treats.
180
00:08:03,026 --> 00:08:04,492
Well, do something.
181
00:08:04,494 --> 00:08:06,294
I haven't touched one
since college,
182
00:08:06,296 --> 00:08:09,864
and even then it was just
to look under it for my keys.
183
00:08:09,866 --> 00:08:12,333
Max, take him off set.
Be professional.
184
00:08:12,335 --> 00:08:14,168
How professional
can I be?
185
00:08:14,170 --> 00:08:16,871
She's asking me
to fluff his nutter.
186
00:08:16,873 --> 00:08:18,606
Yo, Nash!
Break time.
187
00:08:19,743 --> 00:08:21,643
So...Marie.
188
00:08:21,645 --> 00:08:24,312
Did Joe tell you about
my big new job promotion?
189
00:08:24,314 --> 00:08:26,314
Of course she did.
We're lesbians.
190
00:08:26,316 --> 00:08:29,183
Talking is most of
what we do.
191
00:08:29,185 --> 00:08:31,553
It's why we rule daytime.
192
00:08:32,756 --> 00:08:34,822
(Irish accent)
Eh...pardon me.
193
00:08:34,824 --> 00:08:39,360
You, maybe.
That coat--never.
194
00:08:39,362 --> 00:08:41,362
I'm lookin' for someone.
195
00:08:41,364 --> 00:08:45,166
You also look like an extra
from Angela's Ashes.
196
00:08:45,168 --> 00:08:46,834
But this is a private shoot,
197
00:08:46,836 --> 00:08:50,004
as in we're shooting
someone's privates.
198
00:08:50,006 --> 00:08:51,839
I'm looking for me son.
199
00:08:51,841 --> 00:08:56,578
Okay, people!
The groundhog's outta the hole!
200
00:08:56,580 --> 00:08:59,847
Six more inches of winter.
201
00:08:59,849 --> 00:09:02,183
That's him!
That's me boy!
202
00:09:02,185 --> 00:09:03,585
Ma?
203
00:09:03,587 --> 00:09:05,253
Huh?
204
00:09:05,255 --> 00:09:07,689
Ma, how did you know
I was in New York?
205
00:09:07,691 --> 00:09:09,424
Aw, no, you saw me in
the Today Show window,
206
00:09:09,426 --> 00:09:11,259
didn't ya?
207
00:09:11,261 --> 00:09:13,962
You checked into "America"
on Facebook,
208
00:09:13,964 --> 00:09:15,697
you bleedin' idiot.
209
00:09:15,699 --> 00:09:18,933
I flew all the way and been
lookin' for you day and night
210
00:09:18,935 --> 00:09:22,036
in this dirty, God forsaken
city for a week.
211
00:09:22,038 --> 00:09:23,972
I'm takin' you home.
212
00:09:23,974 --> 00:09:26,240
Ma'am, Nash can make
his own decisions.
213
00:09:26,242 --> 00:09:27,575
He's a grown man.
214
00:09:27,577 --> 00:09:30,311
Yep. Thanks to my handiwork.
215
00:09:30,313 --> 00:09:33,581
He's no grown man.
He's just now 18.
216
00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:37,552
He's got his prom
next month!
217
00:09:37,554 --> 00:09:38,653
I can't believe it!
218
00:09:38,655 --> 00:09:41,089
I had sex with a teenager!
219
00:09:41,091 --> 00:09:43,791
Who am I, Woody Allen?
220
00:09:43,793 --> 00:09:46,761
Roman Polanski?
221
00:09:46,763 --> 00:09:50,331
Pretty much any of your
big-time '70s movie directors?
222
00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:53,101
You had sex
with me innocent child?
223
00:09:53,103 --> 00:09:55,069
Uh, not so innocent.
224
00:09:55,071 --> 00:09:56,604
He made me blush
a few times,
225
00:09:56,606 --> 00:10:00,108
and I have two positions
named after me.
226
00:10:00,110 --> 00:10:01,943
Well, that's that.
227
00:10:01,945 --> 00:10:05,780
You've seen the last of
big booby dirty girl here.
228
00:10:05,782 --> 00:10:09,784
I'd object, but when you're
right, you're right.
229
00:10:09,786 --> 00:10:11,986
But Ma,
I like New York.
230
00:10:11,988 --> 00:10:14,922
People want to take
pictures of me willy here.
231
00:10:14,924 --> 00:10:16,457
This is all me fault.
232
00:10:16,459 --> 00:10:19,560
I should have never let you
watch that Magic Mike.
233
00:10:22,032 --> 00:10:23,464
That's great.
234
00:10:23,466 --> 00:10:25,166
I don't have a model now.
235
00:10:25,168 --> 00:10:27,168
I'm Seal.
236
00:10:27,170 --> 00:10:29,871
Wait until
I tell Joe about this.
237
00:10:29,873 --> 00:10:32,607
How can you not know
how old he is?
238
00:10:32,609 --> 00:10:35,677
Uh...what can I say?
We're a typical couple!
239
00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:39,547
He lied about his age, and I
pretended he was interesting.
240
00:10:41,818 --> 00:10:43,785
Okay, Max, when Joe gets here,
241
00:10:43,787 --> 00:10:44,986
I'm just gonna tell her
242
00:10:44,988 --> 00:10:46,988
that me managing
an underage twink
243
00:10:46,990 --> 00:10:49,490
has nothing to do
with me managing her restaurant
244
00:10:49,492 --> 00:10:52,493
which sells overpriced
twink...ies.
245
00:10:52,495 --> 00:10:54,862
Yeah. I'm sure she'll
be professional about it all.
246
00:10:54,864 --> 00:10:56,064
Professional?
247
00:10:56,066 --> 00:10:57,799
Yesterday, she slapped
a woman in here
248
00:10:57,801 --> 00:10:59,667
for wearing cheap heels.
249
00:10:59,669 --> 00:11:02,437
I know.
My face is still red.
250
00:11:03,573 --> 00:11:05,039
Here she is.
251
00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:06,374
Good morning, Joe!
252
00:11:06,376 --> 00:11:07,909
Hey, ladies.
253
00:11:07,911 --> 00:11:10,478
Well, obviously,
you're both fired.
254
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,146
Obviously.
255
00:11:12,148 --> 00:11:13,414
Can I keep the hat?
256
00:11:13,416 --> 00:11:15,383
You are not gonna
want this back.
257
00:11:15,385 --> 00:11:18,319
My head sweats like
a watermelon at a picnic.
258
00:11:18,321 --> 00:11:21,155
Please don't fire us
over the Nash situation.
259
00:11:21,157 --> 00:11:23,157
It was out of our hands.
260
00:11:23,159 --> 00:11:25,059
Actually,
it was in her hands,
261
00:11:25,061 --> 00:11:27,161
and it was only 18.
262
00:11:27,163 --> 00:11:29,530
You two embarrassed
my girlfriend.
263
00:11:29,532 --> 00:11:31,432
And embarrassment
in the lesbian community
264
00:11:31,434 --> 00:11:33,401
is worse than
not owning a dog.
265
00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:36,537
It's worse than dating
Anne Heche.
266
00:11:36,539 --> 00:11:40,274
Oh, my God.
We committed a Heche crime.
267
00:11:40,276 --> 00:11:42,210
How can we make it better?
268
00:11:42,212 --> 00:11:44,679
Just get that kid back
to the photo shoot tomorrow,
269
00:11:44,681 --> 00:11:46,681
and we're back in business.
270
00:11:46,683 --> 00:11:48,216
And Max, next time,
271
00:11:48,218 --> 00:11:51,552
stay out of his
barely legal business.
272
00:11:51,554 --> 00:11:53,387
Done. Don't know how,
but done.
273
00:11:53,389 --> 00:11:54,856
You won't be sorry.
274
00:11:54,858 --> 00:11:57,024
Just get him back,
'cause I gotta tell ya...
275
00:11:57,026 --> 00:11:59,227
Marie's crying face?
276
00:11:59,229 --> 00:12:00,962
Not for me.
277
00:12:06,569 --> 00:12:08,302
Well, coleslaw...
278
00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:09,737
just when I thought
I was out,
279
00:12:09,739 --> 00:12:12,974
you pulled me back in
again.
280
00:12:12,976 --> 00:12:15,243
Max, don't tell
the coleslaw that.
281
00:12:15,245 --> 00:12:17,411
Don't give it that power.
282
00:12:17,413 --> 00:12:19,747
My plan to get Nash back
will work.
283
00:12:19,749 --> 00:12:21,916
We still have a bright,
bright future.
284
00:12:21,918 --> 00:12:24,552
Yes! By day.
285
00:12:25,822 --> 00:12:27,121
Han!
286
00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:28,656
Do you want to spend
another night
287
00:12:28,658 --> 00:12:30,091
in this coleslaw bucket?
288
00:12:30,093 --> 00:12:31,459
No. And had I not
been able to
289
00:12:31,461 --> 00:12:33,094
roll myself
out to the street,
290
00:12:33,096 --> 00:12:35,163
I might have
suffocated!
291
00:12:38,902 --> 00:12:41,269
Nash and his mom
will be here any minute, Max.
292
00:12:41,271 --> 00:12:44,472
Do you really need to expose
60% of your boobs?
293
00:12:44,474 --> 00:12:45,940
It's not up to me.
294
00:12:45,942 --> 00:12:48,576
These girls have a life
of their own.
295
00:12:51,748 --> 00:12:56,083
The right one just started
a Fleetwood Mac cover band.
296
00:12:56,085 --> 00:12:57,785
You know how I know?
297
00:12:57,787 --> 00:13:01,155
'Cause when I take my bra off,
it goes its own way.
298
00:13:04,294 --> 00:13:06,294
Do you really think
you can get Nash's mother
299
00:13:06,296 --> 00:13:08,129
to change her mind
when they come in
300
00:13:08,131 --> 00:13:09,263
to pick up the rest of
his stuff?
301
00:13:09,265 --> 00:13:10,665
Yes, I do.
302
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:12,133
Because she and I
have a lot in common.
303
00:13:12,135 --> 00:13:14,202
I may not be Irish,
but I'm dirt poor,
304
00:13:14,204 --> 00:13:17,538
and I'm living with someone
who drinks way too much.
305
00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:19,273
(Oleg)
Max, look.
306
00:13:19,275 --> 00:13:20,374
All those purple post-its
307
00:13:20,376 --> 00:13:22,877
are Sophie's friends and family.
308
00:13:22,879 --> 00:13:24,846
My family's
nowhere to be seen!
309
00:13:24,848 --> 00:13:28,049
It's like I'm looking at
the last U.S. census!
310
00:13:28,051 --> 00:13:30,017
Hey, girls.
Come over here.
311
00:13:30,019 --> 00:13:33,020
We need your help
with the seating chart.
312
00:13:33,022 --> 00:13:35,289
Yeah. You know, planning
a wedding is more work
313
00:13:35,291 --> 00:13:39,327
than waxing Oleg's back
during a full moon.
314
00:13:39,329 --> 00:13:41,529
Sophie, I have my own
issue right now.
315
00:13:41,531 --> 00:13:43,531
Okay. Then Max
can help me with the chart
316
00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:46,701
while you go worry about
your obviously thinning hair.
317
00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:50,238
Uh, full disclosure--
318
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,540
the last time someone asked me
to help them with something,
319
00:13:52,542 --> 00:13:55,676
I free-based
half their beard off.
320
00:13:55,678 --> 00:13:58,579
[chime]
321
00:13:58,581 --> 00:14:00,414
I just got a text
from Nash.
322
00:14:00,416 --> 00:14:03,517
He's here? I'll go get him
a kid's menu.
323
00:14:03,519 --> 00:14:04,819
They're not coming.
324
00:14:04,821 --> 00:14:08,155
His mom found the racy
pictures I sent him.
325
00:14:08,157 --> 00:14:10,224
"Flying out of JFK
tomorrow.
326
00:14:10,226 --> 00:14:12,593
Taking the morning
Aer Lingus"?
327
00:14:12,595 --> 00:14:15,162
A little morning
"Aer Lingus"?
328
00:14:15,164 --> 00:14:18,833
Isn't that what got Max
in trouble in the first place?
329
00:14:20,403 --> 00:14:22,370
Okay, well, we just
have to go to the airport
330
00:14:22,372 --> 00:14:24,038
and stop them.
331
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:25,873
I'll buy us plane tickets
and then return them,
332
00:14:25,875 --> 00:14:29,443
like I do with shoes or
Tom Cruise does with wives.
333
00:14:31,381 --> 00:14:33,781
Jackets and shoes off!
334
00:14:33,783 --> 00:14:36,350
And make sure you check
all your pockets.
335
00:14:36,352 --> 00:14:39,520
Don't make me shut this airport
down for a piece of gum.
336
00:14:41,124 --> 00:14:44,859
This line is longer
than the movie Gone Girl.
337
00:14:47,030 --> 00:14:51,766
What does TSA stand for?
"Time Stands A-still?"
338
00:14:51,768 --> 00:14:54,468
That's cute.
Never heard that one before.
339
00:14:54,470 --> 00:14:57,605
Most people just go with
"This Sucks Ass."
340
00:14:59,042 --> 00:15:01,075
Max, please don't
yell out again.
341
00:15:01,077 --> 00:15:02,944
People get very jumpy
in airports.
342
00:15:02,946 --> 00:15:05,579
Oh, what? It's not like
I screamed, "I have a bomb!"
343
00:15:05,581 --> 00:15:08,716
Miss, will you step
over here, please?
344
00:15:08,718 --> 00:15:11,619
Oh, I was kidding.
I don't have a bomb.
345
00:15:11,621 --> 00:15:14,689
But I have been known
to...be da bomb.
346
00:15:15,925 --> 00:15:18,092
Max!
347
00:15:18,094 --> 00:15:19,460
Please, please,
if we step away,
348
00:15:19,462 --> 00:15:21,395
we'll lose our place
in line.
349
00:15:21,397 --> 00:15:24,432
I know it sounds like
we're here to blow up a plane,
350
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:26,467
but we're really just here
to stop an underage kid
351
00:15:26,469 --> 00:15:30,104
she had sex with
from leaving the country.
352
00:15:30,106 --> 00:15:32,239
So I should just come
over there now.
353
00:15:32,241 --> 00:15:34,475
Yep.
You just been hand-picked
354
00:15:34,477 --> 00:15:37,812
to join the "I don't trust you"
dance party.
355
00:15:40,583 --> 00:15:42,950
May I see your tickets?
356
00:15:42,952 --> 00:15:45,653
Nice day.
I like your hair.
357
00:15:45,655 --> 00:15:47,922
Thanks. We're allowed
to be creative
358
00:15:47,924 --> 00:15:51,592
from the neck up.
359
00:15:51,594 --> 00:15:54,362
Ooh! You traveling
to Paris.
360
00:15:54,364 --> 00:15:56,430
First-class.
361
00:15:56,432 --> 00:15:58,933
In those jeans?
362
00:15:58,935 --> 00:16:01,635
You got first-class
tickets to Paris?
363
00:16:01,637 --> 00:16:03,270
Are you insane?
364
00:16:03,272 --> 00:16:04,538
My fingers did it.
365
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:06,474
It was rich girl
cellular memory.
366
00:16:06,476 --> 00:16:08,509
And if we're not
going anywhere,
367
00:16:08,511 --> 00:16:10,344
why can't we
not go to Paris?
368
00:16:10,346 --> 00:16:12,179
And why can't we not
go to the Louvre?
369
00:16:12,181 --> 00:16:13,881
And why can't we not
stay in the penthouse
370
00:16:13,883 --> 00:16:16,550
at the George Cinq
and not order room service?
371
00:16:16,552 --> 00:16:20,454
Is it too late for me
to say I don't know her?
372
00:16:20,456 --> 00:16:22,857
Ma'am, are you carrying
any explosives?
373
00:16:22,859 --> 00:16:24,525
I had leftover Chipotle
for breakfast.
374
00:16:24,527 --> 00:16:27,862
Does that count?
375
00:16:27,864 --> 00:16:30,965
It does to whoever's
sitting next to you.
376
00:16:32,902 --> 00:16:35,002
(woman, French accent)
Air France flight 113
377
00:16:35,004 --> 00:16:36,804
will now begin boarding
at gate 24.
378
00:16:36,806 --> 00:16:38,305
Max! That's our flight.
379
00:16:38,307 --> 00:16:40,708
(bad French accent)
Air France, flight 113.
380
00:16:40,710 --> 00:16:42,143
Ooh! I bet on the plane,
381
00:16:42,145 --> 00:16:44,478
they'll have caviar
and Bellinis.
382
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,180
You know what won't
be on the plane?
383
00:16:46,182 --> 00:16:48,015
Us!
384
00:16:48,017 --> 00:16:49,350
We're not going!
385
00:16:49,352 --> 00:16:50,985
Have you been smoking
the half joint
386
00:16:50,987 --> 00:16:53,320
I have hidden
in my bra?
387
00:16:53,322 --> 00:16:54,989
You have a joint?
388
00:16:54,991 --> 00:16:57,758
Bank account? Ha!
389
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,428
You went through security
with pot?
390
00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:03,097
I went through
third grade with pot.
391
00:17:03,099 --> 00:17:05,266
There he is.
There's Nash.
392
00:17:05,268 --> 00:17:07,068
I'm sure his mom
is asking
393
00:17:07,070 --> 00:17:10,404
if he can visit the cockpit
and meet the pilot.
394
00:17:10,406 --> 00:17:13,274
Wow. He's young.
395
00:17:13,276 --> 00:17:14,909
So young, Bruce Jenner
has been a woman
396
00:17:14,911 --> 00:17:17,178
for most of his life.
397
00:17:17,180 --> 00:17:19,880
Nash!
Please.
398
00:17:19,882 --> 00:17:22,216
You can't go.
Our entire lives depend on
399
00:17:22,218 --> 00:17:24,118
you finishing
that photo shoot.
400
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,954
Nash Terrence O'Brien,
you're not going anywhere.
401
00:17:26,956 --> 00:17:29,190
Or I'll take you
over my knee right here.
402
00:17:29,192 --> 00:17:31,392
Well, he likes that.
403
00:17:31,394 --> 00:17:33,227
Well, you...
404
00:17:33,229 --> 00:17:36,964
You are just loose
as a goose, aren't ya?
405
00:17:38,601 --> 00:17:41,068
Again...when you're
right, you're right.
406
00:17:41,070 --> 00:17:44,939
Max, let me talk
to Mrs. O'Brien.
407
00:17:44,941 --> 00:17:46,407
Go up to the gate.
408
00:17:46,409 --> 00:17:47,875
Ask what movie they're
showing on their flight.
409
00:17:47,877 --> 00:17:49,543
Okay, but if they're showing
anything,
410
00:17:49,545 --> 00:17:51,645
and I mean anything
411
00:17:51,647 --> 00:17:54,281
from Mr. Adam Sandler...
412
00:17:54,283 --> 00:17:56,317
I'm getting on the plane too.
413
00:17:58,387 --> 00:18:00,921
Please.
I'm begging you.
414
00:18:00,923 --> 00:18:02,590
You don't know me.
I'm a proud woman.
415
00:18:02,592 --> 00:18:04,592
The only other time
I ever begged
416
00:18:04,594 --> 00:18:07,661
was to get off
of P. Diddy's yacht.
417
00:18:07,663 --> 00:18:10,164
I mean, a party
shouldn't be three days long.
418
00:18:10,166 --> 00:18:11,732
Miss, you can save
your silly breath.
419
00:18:11,734 --> 00:18:13,834
I'm taking him home.
420
00:18:13,836 --> 00:18:17,338
Would passenger Maeve O'Brien
please report to the gate desk?
421
00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:19,773
Oh, Nash, maybe
they're bumping us up
422
00:18:19,775 --> 00:18:23,277
from the last coach row to the
second to the last coach row!
423
00:18:23,279 --> 00:18:25,746
I knew I'd be rewarded
for not having any abortions
424
00:18:25,748 --> 00:18:28,349
in spite of me circumstances.
425
00:18:30,286 --> 00:18:31,752
Grab Nash--let's get
out of here
426
00:18:31,754 --> 00:18:33,154
while I got her
distracted.
427
00:18:33,156 --> 00:18:35,422
Max, you did that?
How?
428
00:18:35,424 --> 00:18:37,925
I no longer have
the half a joint in my bra.
429
00:18:37,927 --> 00:18:41,428
You bribed an airline
employee with a joint?
430
00:18:41,430 --> 00:18:45,199
Pain? Oh, you really gotta
stretch out for that.
431
00:18:45,201 --> 00:18:47,168
Max, this is kidnapping.
432
00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:49,837
Oh, he's not that young.
When I was his age,
433
00:18:49,839 --> 00:18:52,506
I had already robbed
three Blockbuster videos.
434
00:18:52,508 --> 00:18:54,275
What's Blockbuster video?
435
00:18:56,179 --> 00:18:59,547
Oh, my God,
I screwed a baby.
436
00:18:59,549 --> 00:19:02,049
Okay. I'm gonna text Joe
and tell her we have Nash
437
00:19:02,051 --> 00:19:04,518
in our custody.
No, I'd better call.
438
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:08,355
That text won't play well
at our trial.
439
00:19:08,357 --> 00:19:11,192
I'm sorry I didn't tell ya
I was so young.
440
00:19:11,194 --> 00:19:13,160
But honestly, I didn't
think it mattered
441
00:19:13,162 --> 00:19:15,362
since you're so immature.
442
00:19:17,366 --> 00:19:19,633
I know you are,
but what am I?
443
00:19:20,870 --> 00:19:22,503
Okay, so Joe was
really impressed
444
00:19:22,505 --> 00:19:24,872
with the kidnapping,
and she gave us our jobs back.
445
00:19:24,874 --> 00:19:26,307
But Nash,
you've been replaced.
446
00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:27,808
They found another model
447
00:19:27,810 --> 00:19:29,743
who wouldn't give them
any parent trouble--
448
00:19:29,745 --> 00:19:32,346
a well-hung orphan.
449
00:19:32,348 --> 00:19:34,215
A well-hung orphan.
450
00:19:34,217 --> 00:19:37,318
Well, the Lord gives
and the Lord takes.
451
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:38,919
So what now?
452
00:19:38,921 --> 00:19:41,589
Well, you go back to Ireland
and brag to your friends
453
00:19:41,591 --> 00:19:44,592
about having sex with someone
who once had sex
454
00:19:44,594 --> 00:19:48,529
with Axl Rose's
best friend's son.
455
00:19:48,531 --> 00:19:49,863
Good-bye, Max.
456
00:19:49,865 --> 00:19:52,700
Later, Nash Potater.
457
00:19:52,702 --> 00:19:55,769
You know, I think
I'm gonna miss him.
458
00:19:55,771 --> 00:19:59,740
Especially since kids
eat free at Quiznos before 6:00.
459
00:19:59,742 --> 00:20:02,209
Ugh! Let's get out
of here.
460
00:20:02,211 --> 00:20:03,844
The only good thing
about airports
461
00:20:03,846 --> 00:20:06,213
is leaving them
for someplace better.
462
00:20:06,215 --> 00:20:09,283
Max, next time we're here,
I'm gonna take you to Paris.
463
00:20:09,285 --> 00:20:11,252
Well, first take me
to the bathroom.
464
00:20:11,254 --> 00:20:13,887
I've had to pee since
our tram hit that pothole.
465
00:20:13,889 --> 00:20:16,624
Well, at least we're gonna
be working somewhere with class.
466
00:20:16,626 --> 00:20:18,259
I wonder where it is.
467
00:20:18,261 --> 00:20:22,529
Joe said it's a real hub,
flagship, international.
468
00:20:22,531 --> 00:20:26,533
Yeah. It's gonna be
international terminal 8!
469
00:20:28,371 --> 00:20:29,937
What?
470
00:20:29,939 --> 00:20:31,705
Here?
471
00:20:31,707 --> 00:20:33,941
We're working here?
472
00:20:33,943 --> 00:20:35,743
I've got to find out
who I brutally murdered
473
00:20:35,745 --> 00:20:38,579
in a previous life
and make it up to him or her.
474
00:20:38,581 --> 00:20:40,814
This sucks!
The one place
475
00:20:40,816 --> 00:20:44,385
no one will ever
give us a ride to work!
476
00:20:44,387 --> 00:20:48,622
(female announcer)
Final boarding for Air France,
flight 113.
477
00:20:48,624 --> 00:20:50,758
Of course it is.
478
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,894
Look at the bright side.
These days, most planes
479
00:20:53,896 --> 00:20:56,597
don't even make it to where
they're supposed to go.
480
00:20:56,599 --> 00:20:59,066
(announcer)
Paging first-class passengers
Caroline Channing
481
00:20:59,068 --> 00:21:01,268
and Max Black.
482
00:21:01,270 --> 00:21:03,537
Those rich bitches
are so lucky!