1
00:00:02,279 --> 00:00:05,080
The Sad Lady Book Club
is reading
2
00:00:05,082 --> 00:00:08,884
Fifty Shades of Grey again.
3
00:00:08,886 --> 00:00:14,056
There's not a dry seat
in the house.
4
00:00:14,058 --> 00:00:16,992
If those ladies
are that into light torture,
5
00:00:16,994 --> 00:00:20,262
they should just apply
for our jobs.
6
00:00:20,264 --> 00:00:21,863
[bell dings]
- Hey.
7
00:00:21,865 --> 00:00:24,699
Aww, you two are so adorable.
8
00:00:24,701 --> 00:00:29,604
Like Romeo and Juliet,
but without the bright future.
9
00:00:29,606 --> 00:00:31,406
Yeah...
10
00:00:31,408 --> 00:00:33,742
I want him out of the diner.
11
00:00:33,744 --> 00:00:34,843
What are you talking about?
12
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Anyone who works
in this diner
13
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is like a fat guy
in a smart car.
14
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You can never get out.
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It's true.
16
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I came in here in 1962
for a cup of coffee.
17
00:00:45,456 --> 00:00:49,891
Someone asked me to break
a dollar, and I never left.
18
00:00:49,893 --> 00:00:52,861
Look. Living, working,
and sleeping with the same guy
19
00:00:52,863 --> 00:00:54,930
is never a good idea.
20
00:00:54,932 --> 00:00:58,033
Just talk to Hillary Clinton.
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00:00:58,035 --> 00:00:59,901
I guess I can get
a dishwasher fired.
22
00:00:59,903 --> 00:01:04,106
When I was rich, I got Wolfgang
Puck fired from Wolfgang Puck.
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00:01:04,108 --> 00:01:05,874
Get yours, Max!
24
00:01:05,876 --> 00:01:08,877
Hit it then quit it.
25
00:01:08,879 --> 00:01:13,315
That strategy served me well
in my 20s and 30s.
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Evening, ladies.
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Also, my 70s.
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(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
29
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[cash register bell dings]
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¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ¶
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[bell dinging]
- Pick up.
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Or don't.
33
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Who gives a crap?
34
00:01:38,175 --> 00:01:41,009
Well, someone's in a bad mood.
What's wrong, Oleg?
35
00:01:41,011 --> 00:01:44,980
Did they discontinue
making Axe body spray?
36
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Don't even kid.
37
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No. I'm cranky because
I'm not having sex right now.
38
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Yeah. I thought it was weird
seeing both your hands
39
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while you were talking.
40
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Sophie's idea.
It's some old Polish ritual.
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00:01:58,262 --> 00:02:00,328
The bride and groom
remain chaste for 30 days
42
00:02:00,330 --> 00:02:02,531
before the wedding.
43
00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:04,299
Apparently, the "something blue"
at the wedding
44
00:02:04,301 --> 00:02:07,969
has got to be my balls.
45
00:02:07,971 --> 00:02:09,337
So, you're practicing
celibacy.
46
00:02:09,339 --> 00:02:11,973
I'm trying,
but there are women everywhere.
47
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I feel like
a bull in a vagina shop.
48
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,280
Hear ye, hear ye!
49
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I'm unveiling a major
improvement to the diner!
50
00:02:21,351 --> 00:02:24,119
Well, we'll miss you, Han.
51
00:02:24,121 --> 00:02:26,955
Nice try, Max,
but like Ryan Seacrest,
52
00:02:26,957 --> 00:02:30,325
I'll be here forever.
53
00:02:30,327 --> 00:02:32,994
Now, will you all please do what
you have yet to do on Twitter
54
00:02:32,996 --> 00:02:35,997
and follow me?
55
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You too, Earl.
56
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Hell, this better be good.
57
00:02:38,802 --> 00:02:41,136
Every step I take
could be my last.
58
00:02:45,809 --> 00:02:46,808
And now...
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00:02:46,810 --> 00:02:48,643
Without further a-douche...
60
00:02:48,645 --> 00:02:51,012
Ready to have your minds blown?
61
00:02:51,014 --> 00:02:55,183
At this point, I'm ready
to have anything blown.
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00:02:55,185 --> 00:02:57,185
Ta-da!
63
00:02:57,187 --> 00:02:59,688
That is the worst gift
I ever received
64
00:02:59,690 --> 00:03:02,057
and last year,
my son bought me a coffin.
65
00:03:06,063 --> 00:03:08,430
This works our great then,
because it's not for you.
66
00:03:08,432 --> 00:03:10,165
It's for Nash.
67
00:03:10,167 --> 00:03:12,334
Oh, well, that's real nice.
68
00:03:12,336 --> 00:03:15,670
Because the shower at Max's
place doesn't work at all.
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00:03:15,672 --> 00:03:17,405
You better believe it's nice.
70
00:03:17,407 --> 00:03:19,674
That's the Spritzy 5000.
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00:03:19,676 --> 00:03:23,612
Dishwasher Weekly gave it
four out of four Dishies.
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00:03:23,614 --> 00:03:26,681
You know our oven doesn't work,
right?
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00:03:26,683 --> 00:03:31,019
Hey, boss lady, if we work hard,
do we get a gift?
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00:03:31,021 --> 00:03:33,355
If you work hard,
I'll die childless
75
00:03:33,357 --> 00:03:35,924
with my mouth frozen open
in shock.
76
00:03:35,926 --> 00:03:38,226
Yeah, I went there!
77
00:03:38,228 --> 00:03:43,231
Nash works hard, so only he may
handle my beautiful hose!
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00:03:43,233 --> 00:03:44,933
Well, if he's handling
Han's hose,
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he's never getting fired.
80
00:03:47,571 --> 00:03:49,037
Okay. Step up here, Nash.
81
00:03:49,039 --> 00:03:51,139
I'll show you
what this puppy can do.
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00:03:55,245 --> 00:03:59,314
So far the puppy can't reach
the hose.
83
00:03:59,316 --> 00:04:01,283
A little help.
84
00:04:04,554 --> 00:04:08,023
Aww, there's nothing cuter
than a hot guy holding a baby.
85
00:04:10,894 --> 00:04:14,663
Now just grab that thing
and squeeze it till it sprays.
86
00:04:14,665 --> 00:04:18,066
Move to call a moratorium
on the words "grab," "squeeze,"
87
00:04:18,068 --> 00:04:20,135
and "sprays" till the wedding.
88
00:04:28,612 --> 00:04:31,279
Damn!
That's hot.
89
00:04:31,281 --> 00:04:34,983
And me without any singles
to stuff down his pants.
90
00:04:34,985 --> 00:04:38,019
Well, I better go dry off
in the men's room.
91
00:04:38,021 --> 00:04:39,988
Don't be too long
in that stall.
92
00:04:39,990 --> 00:04:42,424
I've got a date with the Land
O'Lakes butter package lady
93
00:04:42,426 --> 00:04:43,725
on my next break.
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00:04:48,265 --> 00:04:49,497
[all gasping]
95
00:04:52,102 --> 00:04:55,203
Oh. Pardon me, ladies.
I'm all wet.
96
00:04:55,205 --> 00:04:57,806
[all gasping]
97
00:04:57,808 --> 00:05:00,175
Max? Are you seeing
what I'm seeing?
98
00:05:00,177 --> 00:05:02,344
Those ladies looking at him
like he's a senior special
99
00:05:02,346 --> 00:05:05,380
at Sizzler's?
100
00:05:05,382 --> 00:05:06,881
[all speaking at once]
101
00:05:06,883 --> 00:05:08,316
We might not be able
to get Nash fired,
102
00:05:08,318 --> 00:05:11,152
but we can get him hired
as a fashion model.
103
00:05:11,154 --> 00:05:12,620
Look at their faces.
104
00:05:12,622 --> 00:05:15,523
He could be the future bulge
of Calvin Klein.
105
00:05:15,525 --> 00:05:17,492
Now you're talking
about the future?
106
00:05:17,494 --> 00:05:19,627
Why can't you just accept
that we are stuck
107
00:05:19,629 --> 00:05:21,996
with a really crappy present?
108
00:05:21,998 --> 00:05:24,632
Quit trash-talking
the Spritzy 5000!
109
00:05:30,907 --> 00:05:33,174
Good afternoon.
Welcome to The High.
110
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I'll have somebody
get you some water.
111
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Not me,
'cause I'm past that.
112
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You know, here.
113
00:05:39,850 --> 00:05:41,983
I think I just sat another one
of those lesbian blind-dates
114
00:05:41,985 --> 00:05:43,551
for our boss.
115
00:05:43,553 --> 00:05:46,221
It's hard out there
for a pimp.
116
00:05:46,223 --> 00:05:48,590
Why do you think
I got out of pimping?
117
00:05:48,592 --> 00:05:51,192
That and someone broke
a beer bottle over my head.
118
00:05:51,194 --> 00:05:53,194
So, did you get Nash a modeling
job yet?
119
00:05:53,196 --> 00:05:54,596
I'm working on it.
120
00:05:54,598 --> 00:05:57,332
It's not like I can
just call Tyra Banks.
121
00:05:57,334 --> 00:06:00,335
Well, that's what her people
said when I called.
122
00:06:00,337 --> 00:06:03,505
Ugh, phone therapy ran long.
123
00:06:03,507 --> 00:06:06,174
Apparently I have more issues
than I realized
124
00:06:06,176 --> 00:06:09,844
about Rosie leaving The View.
125
00:06:09,846 --> 00:06:12,347
Are my dates here yet?
126
00:06:12,349 --> 00:06:15,116
Please don't
tell me it's her, her, or her.
127
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It's her, her, and her.
128
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Lose them.
129
00:06:20,257 --> 00:06:22,290
How am I supposed to
get rid of them?
130
00:06:22,292 --> 00:06:24,125
Just say what anyone says when
they want a lesbian to leave,
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"There's a Subaru outside
that's about to get a ticket."
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00:06:28,298 --> 00:06:29,764
If you had you told me,
ten years ago,
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I'd be on a dating site
called "Lez Meet Up,"
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I would've told the youth pastor
I was married to,
135
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"You've lost your mind."
136
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[phone beeps]
137
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[gasps]
138
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,146
Oh, I just got some interest
139
00:06:45,148 --> 00:06:47,215
from the
Del Monico Modeling Agency.
140
00:06:47,217 --> 00:06:49,150
But for the interview,
he needs photos.
141
00:06:49,152 --> 00:06:51,920
And not just the pictures
of his butt on your phone.
142
00:06:51,922 --> 00:06:53,922
Fine, you handle it.
143
00:06:53,924 --> 00:06:55,490
The only thing I know
about modeling is
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00:06:55,492 --> 00:06:58,960
a couple of years ago, I was
the face of shingles on WebMD.
145
00:07:04,901 --> 00:07:08,002
Girls, perfect timing to ask me
to do this photo shoot.
146
00:07:08,004 --> 00:07:11,272
The FBI just gave me
my camera back last week.
147
00:07:11,274 --> 00:07:13,575
Oh, so you get your camera back,
148
00:07:13,577 --> 00:07:15,176
but I'm still waiting
on that kilo of coke
149
00:07:15,178 --> 00:07:19,848
that I spent hours carefully
filling my butt with?
150
00:07:19,850 --> 00:07:21,683
Let me just change the settings.
151
00:07:21,685 --> 00:07:27,322
This camera is used to taking
pictures from 800 feet away.
152
00:07:27,324 --> 00:07:30,425
And we want those pictures back,
Oleg!
153
00:07:30,427 --> 00:07:32,627
Hey, everybody!
154
00:07:32,629 --> 00:07:34,095
Just call me
"rush hour traffic"
155
00:07:34,097 --> 00:07:38,299
'cause I sure am horny.
156
00:07:38,301 --> 00:07:42,370
Oh, Caroline, I do not know how
you go years, and years,
157
00:07:42,372 --> 00:07:45,640
and years, and years,
and years, and years
158
00:07:45,642 --> 00:07:49,010
without doing the nasty.
159
00:07:49,012 --> 00:07:52,013
It's only been years and years.
160
00:07:52,015 --> 00:07:54,215
- Come on.
- And years.
161
00:07:54,217 --> 00:07:56,317
Well, I could go
for a brisket sandwich.
162
00:07:56,319 --> 00:07:57,986
We're closed, Sophie.
163
00:07:57,988 --> 00:08:01,356
I know.
I got one in my purse.
164
00:08:01,358 --> 00:08:05,193
And why are you doing the photo
shoot in this skanky dishroom?
165
00:08:05,195 --> 00:08:08,530
Because we're going with
the "hot dishwasher" angle.
166
00:08:08,532 --> 00:08:10,698
The agency said
every model needs a hook.
167
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,700
Yeah, like how Cindy Crawford
has a beauty mark
168
00:08:12,702 --> 00:08:15,169
and Anna Nicole Smith
is dead.
169
00:08:15,171 --> 00:08:19,574
Yeah, yeah. My sister is a model
in Poland and she has a hook.
170
00:08:19,576 --> 00:08:24,379
It's her left hand, yeah.
It's is also great for kabobs.
171
00:08:24,381 --> 00:08:25,980
Come on, Nash!
172
00:08:25,982 --> 00:08:27,982
Put a little Irish Spring
in your step.
173
00:08:27,984 --> 00:08:29,717
I'm a little nervous.
174
00:08:29,719 --> 00:08:32,353
The only other time I had
my picture taken was at school.
175
00:08:32,355 --> 00:08:37,058
The priest said he needed a
shirtless one for the roll call.
176
00:08:37,060 --> 00:08:41,062
Where did he go to school,
Our Lady of To Catch a Predator?
177
00:08:41,064 --> 00:08:44,933
Wow. You sure look hot.
178
00:08:44,935 --> 00:08:46,000
Careful, Sophie.
179
00:08:46,002 --> 00:08:48,002
That's my brisket.
180
00:08:48,004 --> 00:08:50,939
I'm not talking about
Daniel Day-Loser here.
181
00:08:50,941 --> 00:08:55,410
I'm talking about Oleg.
182
00:08:55,412 --> 00:09:00,181
You are sweating
like an old knockwurst
183
00:09:00,183 --> 00:09:05,053
that has been left out
in the sun.
184
00:09:05,055 --> 00:09:09,524
It's really breathtaking.
185
00:09:09,526 --> 00:09:13,294
Okay, Nash, stand over here
near the hose
186
00:09:13,296 --> 00:09:15,930
and give me hot face,
dead eyes.
187
00:09:15,932 --> 00:09:18,066
You know, like me
when I mix NyQuil and DayQuil.
188
00:09:18,068 --> 00:09:20,368
I call it
AfternoonQuil.
189
00:09:20,370 --> 00:09:22,070
Okay. Now I'm gonna start
shooting.
190
00:09:22,072 --> 00:09:26,307
Yeah. Shoot, baby!
Shoot!
191
00:09:26,309 --> 00:09:27,642
- What do you think?
[camera clicking]
192
00:09:27,644 --> 00:09:30,478
Well, he's stiff,
but not in the good way.
193
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,080
Ugh, this is painful.
194
00:09:32,082 --> 00:09:35,316
He's like Susan Boyle
without the star quality.
195
00:09:35,318 --> 00:09:37,385
We need a little of what
he had the other day.
196
00:09:37,387 --> 00:09:39,420
You'll thank me for this later.
197
00:09:39,422 --> 00:09:42,090
[camera clicking]
198
00:09:42,092 --> 00:09:43,324
Yes, Nash, yes!
199
00:09:43,326 --> 00:09:47,595
Tear your shirt!
200
00:09:47,597 --> 00:09:51,299
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
201
00:09:53,336 --> 00:09:54,335
[gasps]
202
00:09:54,337 --> 00:09:58,406
Stop!
203
00:09:58,408 --> 00:10:01,175
What the hell is happening
in here?
204
00:10:01,177 --> 00:10:03,411
I didn't give anyone permission
to use my diner
205
00:10:03,413 --> 00:10:04,512
for a photo shoot.
206
00:10:04,514 --> 00:10:05,947
Calm down.
207
00:10:05,949 --> 00:10:07,949
We are trying to get him
a modeling job.
208
00:10:07,951 --> 00:10:10,818
He has a job!
He's my number one worker.
209
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:13,354
Like the doctor said to your
mother when you were born,
210
00:10:13,356 --> 00:10:15,256
tough break.
211
00:10:15,258 --> 00:10:17,492
You two crows
don't let me have anything!
212
00:10:23,199 --> 00:10:25,366
Okay, Nash,
part of the model audish
213
00:10:25,368 --> 00:10:27,969
is to see how you'd be
as a performer in commercials,
214
00:10:27,971 --> 00:10:30,438
and movies, and other things
people don't watch anymore.
215
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,540
Now, obviously,
right out of the gate,
216
00:10:32,542 --> 00:10:35,510
you're not gonna be as good
as that duck who says "Aflac,"
217
00:10:35,512 --> 00:10:38,980
but you've got to be at least
as good as Ben Affleck.
218
00:10:38,982 --> 00:10:41,549
I can help. For a time,
I had a rich acting career.
219
00:10:41,551 --> 00:10:43,651
It started with a starring role
in Annie,
220
00:10:43,653 --> 00:10:45,353
and ended when I portrayed
Rosa Parks
221
00:10:45,355 --> 00:10:46,654
in an ill-advised high school
production
222
00:10:46,656 --> 00:10:49,490
that led to an investigation
by the NAACP.
223
00:10:49,492 --> 00:10:53,161
Ooh, this is a commercial
for breakfast cereal!
224
00:10:53,163 --> 00:10:56,064
Ah! Every actor's dream!
225
00:10:56,066 --> 00:10:57,365
Hey, Nash, read this.
226
00:10:57,367 --> 00:10:58,966
Think James Dean.
227
00:10:58,968 --> 00:11:03,304
But alive
and eating Cocoa Puffs.
228
00:11:03,306 --> 00:11:05,139
"Cocoa Puffs
are a delicious part
229
00:11:05,141 --> 00:11:09,544
of any well-balanced breakfast."
230
00:11:09,546 --> 00:11:10,978
I'm trying to find
a nice way to say--
231
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:14,982
You suck, bro.
232
00:11:14,984 --> 00:11:16,718
You--you get it.
233
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,053
You know the thrill
of eating chocolate
234
00:11:19,055 --> 00:11:22,256
at a traditionally
non-chocolatey time of day.
235
00:11:22,258 --> 00:11:24,726
Let's tap into that.
236
00:11:24,728 --> 00:11:26,094
Okay. Take it from the top.
237
00:11:26,096 --> 00:11:28,663
And this time, go cuckoo.
238
00:11:28,665 --> 00:11:31,999
Go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
239
00:11:32,001 --> 00:11:33,334
"Cocoa Puffs are a delicious--"
240
00:11:33,336 --> 00:11:35,369
Stop.
241
00:11:35,371 --> 00:11:38,906
Don't phone this in.
It's not Raisin Bran.
242
00:11:38,908 --> 00:11:40,508
"Pocoa Cuffs are a delicious--"
243
00:11:40,510 --> 00:11:42,376
"Pocoa Cuffs"?
244
00:11:42,378 --> 00:11:45,513
Pocoa Cuffs?
245
00:11:45,515 --> 00:11:48,950
I just can't with these
rank amateurs, Caroline.
246
00:11:48,952 --> 00:11:50,585
Max, calm down.
247
00:11:50,587 --> 00:11:52,553
It's a fake tryout
for a cereal commercial,
248
00:11:52,555 --> 00:11:55,556
not Dance Moms.
249
00:11:55,558 --> 00:11:58,459
I'm nervous.
I'm not an actor.
250
00:11:58,461 --> 00:12:00,394
Uh, no, you are not.
251
00:12:00,396 --> 00:12:02,563
Give me that.
252
00:12:02,565 --> 00:12:04,465
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
253
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:08,302
Got it.
254
00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:11,639
Cocoa Puffs are a delicious part
of any well-balanced breakfast!
255
00:12:11,641 --> 00:12:13,441
They're good for you,
which parents love,
256
00:12:13,443 --> 00:12:15,610
and they taste like candy,
which I love!
257
00:12:15,612 --> 00:12:18,613
I can't help it!
I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
258
00:12:18,615 --> 00:12:22,116
Cuckoo!
259
00:12:22,118 --> 00:12:27,121
I'm tearing up, and it's not
just the black mold in here.
260
00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:30,625
Max, I think you may have just
set the acting bar too high.
261
00:12:30,627 --> 00:12:31,993
[knock at door]
- Oh.
262
00:12:31,995 --> 00:12:35,429
I've never set a bar
too high before.
263
00:12:35,431 --> 00:12:38,900
I've set a bar on fire
and I've left a bar too high.
264
00:12:38,902 --> 00:12:40,668
Oh, hey, girls.
265
00:12:40,670 --> 00:12:43,437
Oh, do you mind if I hang
down here with you for a while?
266
00:12:43,439 --> 00:12:46,340
Oleg is up there,
he's trying to seduce me
267
00:12:46,342 --> 00:12:47,675
by cleaning the apartment.
268
00:12:47,677 --> 00:12:51,813
And it's, oh, oh, so dirty.
269
00:12:51,815 --> 00:12:53,748
[vacuum cleaner humming]
270
00:12:53,750 --> 00:12:58,519
Oh, oh, he's vacuuming now,
which means he's naked.
271
00:12:58,521 --> 00:13:03,157
Oh, me and my Polish values.
272
00:13:03,159 --> 00:13:04,992
Polish Values?
273
00:13:04,994 --> 00:13:07,662
That's the name of my favorite
dollar store in Brooklyn.
274
00:13:07,664 --> 00:13:08,596
[vacuum humming]
275
00:13:08,598 --> 00:13:13,634
Oh, he's deep-cleaning the shag.
276
00:13:13,636 --> 00:13:15,536
Oh, my God.
Somebody, do something
277
00:13:15,538 --> 00:13:17,839
to make me not want sex.
278
00:13:17,841 --> 00:13:20,608
All right, Nash, why don't you
show us your runway walk?
279
00:13:24,614 --> 00:13:26,047
That was it.
280
00:13:26,049 --> 00:13:29,350
Oh, I thought you were going
to pick up a pen.
281
00:13:29,352 --> 00:13:31,152
Thanks, perfect.
282
00:13:31,154 --> 00:13:35,623
Now I'm completely turned off.
283
00:13:35,625 --> 00:13:39,627
Watching that potato walk across
the room really did the trick.
284
00:13:39,629 --> 00:13:41,629
Nash, concentrate.
285
00:13:41,631 --> 00:13:42,730
Follow my lead.
286
00:13:42,732 --> 00:13:44,232
Bam. Pow. Bam. Pow.
287
00:13:44,234 --> 00:13:46,367
And step and bam,
and step and pow,
288
00:13:46,369 --> 00:13:48,402
and step and bam!
289
00:13:48,404 --> 00:13:50,671
Oh, even better!
290
00:13:50,673 --> 00:13:54,075
I mean, after that,
they could film the sequel
291
00:13:54,077 --> 00:13:56,878
to Frozen on my lady parts.
292
00:14:00,717 --> 00:14:02,683
Yeah, me too.
293
00:14:02,685 --> 00:14:06,087
But just 'cause I
"Let It Go" down there.
294
00:14:06,089 --> 00:14:09,824
[vacuum hum continues]
- Aaah!
295
00:14:09,826 --> 00:14:13,995
Oh, now he's using
the wand attachment.
296
00:14:13,997 --> 00:14:18,766
Oh, and he's getting real deep
between the cushions.
297
00:14:18,768 --> 00:14:20,935
Oh, my God, just screw it.
298
00:14:20,937 --> 00:14:23,771
I'm never gonna make it
to the wedding!
299
00:14:23,773 --> 00:14:26,607
[groaning]
300
00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:28,709
Oh, Grandma Kuchenski,
please forgive me
301
00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:29,911
for what I'm about to do.
302
00:14:29,913 --> 00:14:32,413
I--
303
00:14:32,415 --> 00:14:34,682
Well, you were no White Lily
yourself!
304
00:14:41,291 --> 00:14:43,858
[gasps]
- Wow.
305
00:14:43,860 --> 00:14:46,560
He's bamming and powing
up a storm.
306
00:14:46,562 --> 00:14:48,796
When he's famous,
I hope he remembers us.
307
00:14:48,798 --> 00:14:52,867
Pfft. I like to think I did some
things he will never forget.
308
00:14:52,869 --> 00:14:54,735
How's that?
309
00:14:54,737 --> 00:14:56,437
Great, you can walk.
310
00:14:56,439 --> 00:15:00,441
If you can read too, I'll treat
myself to a Snapple.
311
00:15:00,443 --> 00:15:01,709
Let's get to the copy.
312
00:15:01,711 --> 00:15:03,277
Actually, we came prepared.
313
00:15:03,279 --> 00:15:05,546
Nash rehearsed
the Cocoa Puffs commercial.
314
00:15:05,548 --> 00:15:07,248
I think you'll be quite moved.
315
00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:08,816
Oh yeah, well,
we'll be reading something
316
00:15:08,818 --> 00:15:10,318
a little different today.
317
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,653
[clears throat]
318
00:15:12,655 --> 00:15:14,755
Don't panic.
They do this all the time.
319
00:15:14,757 --> 00:15:16,090
They want to make sure
you're flexible.
320
00:15:16,092 --> 00:15:17,658
Yeah. Go ahead, Nash.
321
00:15:17,660 --> 00:15:20,828
Whatever cereal it is,
act like it's delicious.
322
00:15:20,830 --> 00:15:24,265
Unless it's Rice Krispies.
A-boring!
323
00:15:24,267 --> 00:15:26,734
Okay, here goes.
324
00:15:26,736 --> 00:15:27,735
"You know you like it.
325
00:15:27,737 --> 00:15:30,905
Bend over, bitch."
326
00:15:30,907 --> 00:15:34,475
Uh, are we missing a page?
327
00:15:34,477 --> 00:15:37,678
Cereals have changed
since I was a kid.
328
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:39,280
Should I read the part
where I notice
329
00:15:39,282 --> 00:15:40,748
the teacher's not wearing
any panties?
330
00:15:40,750 --> 00:15:42,850
Oh, my God.
This is porn!
331
00:15:42,852 --> 00:15:45,119
No wonder all those people
out there were freaks.
332
00:15:45,121 --> 00:15:49,523
No wonder I recognized
so many of them.
333
00:15:49,525 --> 00:15:50,925
Don't act so surprised.
334
00:15:50,927 --> 00:15:55,629
Everyone knows Cocoa Puffs
is code for porn.
335
00:15:55,631 --> 00:15:57,832
Also, you sent us some pictures
taken by someone
336
00:15:57,834 --> 00:16:01,702
very experienced in erotica.
337
00:16:01,704 --> 00:16:04,005
We can't let him
do this.
338
00:16:04,007 --> 00:16:05,940
I have a movie that starts
shooting tomorrow
339
00:16:05,942 --> 00:16:08,642
that pays $1,000 a day.
340
00:16:08,644 --> 00:16:10,778
Can we?
341
00:16:10,780 --> 00:16:12,546
Maybe we can't.
342
00:16:12,548 --> 00:16:14,915
It's the lead in Sorest Rump.
343
00:16:19,722 --> 00:16:22,823
Maybe we can.
344
00:16:22,825 --> 00:16:25,359
I think we need
a little sidebar, Delores.
345
00:16:25,361 --> 00:16:26,660
- [clears throat]
- Should I come with you?
346
00:16:26,662 --> 00:16:27,995
No, we're good.
347
00:16:27,997 --> 00:16:30,031
I have a couple of questions
for the actor.
348
00:16:30,033 --> 00:16:34,235
Can you swim,
and are you circumcised?
349
00:16:34,237 --> 00:16:35,870
Max, this has gone too far.
350
00:16:35,872 --> 00:16:37,505
I know, I was expecting you
to just crash with me
351
00:16:37,507 --> 00:16:41,509
for a couple of days
and get your own place.
352
00:16:41,511 --> 00:16:43,878
Are we really gonna
let Nash do porn
353
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,880
just so he doesn't work
at the diner?
354
00:16:45,882 --> 00:16:47,882
Hey, ladies,
what's it gonna be?
355
00:16:47,884 --> 00:16:49,850
I got other talent to see.
356
00:16:49,852 --> 00:16:52,386
I got a guy named Lustin Beaver
357
00:16:52,388 --> 00:16:54,655
taking the Amtrak
in from Philly.
358
00:16:57,827 --> 00:17:00,995
Max, if you're really keen on me
being a porn actor,
359
00:17:00,997 --> 00:17:02,263
I'll do it.
360
00:17:02,265 --> 00:17:03,998
She says, tomorrow,
they start filming
361
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,768
The Grand Booty Fest Hotel.
362
00:17:07,770 --> 00:17:10,204
And, they'll pay me more
for my accent.
363
00:17:10,206 --> 00:17:15,543
Also, what does "gay for pay"
mean?
364
00:17:15,545 --> 00:17:18,646
Ugh, I guess it means
we got to go.
365
00:17:24,921 --> 00:17:26,720
Look at him, Max.
366
00:17:26,722 --> 00:17:29,924
A cute guy, eaten up
and spat out by show business
367
00:17:29,926 --> 00:17:33,961
like so many
Baldwin brothers before him.
368
00:17:33,963 --> 00:17:36,030
Nash doesn't care
about modeling.
369
00:17:36,032 --> 00:17:37,965
He's 21.
He doesn't care about anything.
370
00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:41,135
His biggest concern
is playing with the XBox.
371
00:17:41,137 --> 00:17:44,138
Mine and, also,
the popular video game system.
372
00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:45,539
He cares about you.
373
00:17:45,541 --> 00:17:47,942
He was willing to do
"gay for pay."
374
00:17:47,944 --> 00:17:52,813
Did I hear Nash
is going "gay for pay"?
375
00:17:52,815 --> 00:17:56,750
'Cause I've got $4
burning a hole in my pocket.
376
00:17:56,752 --> 00:17:58,552
Oh, a customer.
377
00:17:58,554 --> 00:18:00,888
Hi, welcome to The High.
Here for dessert?
378
00:18:00,890 --> 00:18:04,058
Oh, thanks but I haven't
had cake since my Sweet 16,
379
00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:07,428
and even then,
I made myself throw it up.
380
00:18:07,430 --> 00:18:10,331
I'm meeting someone here
and my phone's about to die.
381
00:18:10,333 --> 00:18:13,067
And if it dies, I will too.
Do you have an outlet?
382
00:18:13,069 --> 00:18:14,835
Screaming in the shower
really works for me.
383
00:18:14,837 --> 00:18:17,771
Like, right into the water.
384
00:18:17,773 --> 00:18:20,341
Super cute.
But I do need a phone outlet.
385
00:18:20,343 --> 00:18:21,976
I'll plug you in, honey,
386
00:18:21,978 --> 00:18:25,312
and I'll take care of your
phone, too.
387
00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:27,348
Girls, meet Marie.
388
00:18:27,350 --> 00:18:29,783
Hi.
Seriously, down to 10%.
389
00:18:29,785 --> 00:18:32,253
Oh, did you two meet
on "Lez Meet Up"?
390
00:18:32,255 --> 00:18:36,090
No, honey, I've never been
on "Lez Meet Up."
391
00:18:36,092 --> 00:18:38,859
Oh, you're thinking of me,
Caroline.
392
00:18:38,861 --> 00:18:41,862
You know how much
I love lady tail.
393
00:18:41,864 --> 00:18:44,098
This place is amazing.
394
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:46,333
Isn't it amazing?
395
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:49,103
I had the decorator redo it
nine times.
396
00:18:49,105 --> 00:18:51,605
You can feel his anger
in the walls.
397
00:18:51,607 --> 00:18:53,007
It's electric.
398
00:18:53,009 --> 00:18:56,177
We're electric.
Who is this miracle?
399
00:18:56,179 --> 00:18:58,212
That's Nash.
I found him in the Bowery
400
00:18:58,214 --> 00:19:01,048
next to a pile
of burning trash.
401
00:19:01,050 --> 00:19:03,017
Go say hi.
402
00:19:03,019 --> 00:19:06,787
He's even creamier and more
delicious up close.
403
00:19:06,789 --> 00:19:08,789
You're eating?
That is so punk rock.
404
00:19:08,791 --> 00:19:11,158
Tell me everything right now.
405
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,960
Uh, well, I'm a dishwasher.
406
00:19:12,962 --> 00:19:15,362
I'm from Ireland.
407
00:19:15,364 --> 00:19:16,830
Oh, I was trying
to become a model
408
00:19:16,832 --> 00:19:19,166
and I almost did porn
an hour ago.
409
00:19:19,168 --> 00:19:21,569
That is the best story
I ever heard.
410
00:19:21,571 --> 00:19:22,836
Tell it to me again standing up.
411
00:19:22,838 --> 00:19:26,207
But this time, don't talk.
412
00:19:26,209 --> 00:19:29,043
I see face, I see ass,
I see model.
413
00:19:29,045 --> 00:19:30,811
Do you have a manager?
414
00:19:30,813 --> 00:19:33,480
I guess that'd be Caroline,
the blonde one over there.
415
00:19:33,482 --> 00:19:37,151
Blonde one, come over here and
talk to me about your client.
416
00:19:37,153 --> 00:19:39,653
I am in love.
He's perfection.
417
00:19:39,655 --> 00:19:41,822
Marie Prower,
Senior VP of Marketing.
418
00:19:41,824 --> 00:19:43,190
Sweet, what company?
419
00:19:43,192 --> 00:19:44,225
Guess.
420
00:19:44,227 --> 00:19:46,427
Um, Tommy Hilfinger.
421
00:19:46,429 --> 00:19:49,029
I work for Guess, darling.
422
00:19:49,031 --> 00:19:51,332
No more words.
Listen.
423
00:19:51,334 --> 00:19:53,334
He's amazing.
424
00:19:53,336 --> 00:19:55,236
I would tweet about him
right now, but my phone is dead.
425
00:19:55,238 --> 00:19:57,838
So bring him into my office
on Monday.
426
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,006
You heard her, Caroline.
427
00:19:59,008 --> 00:20:02,343
Bring him into her office
tomorrow.
428
00:20:02,345 --> 00:20:05,412
She's obsessed with me.
429
00:20:05,414 --> 00:20:08,249
Max, I was right.
He is a model.
430
00:20:08,251 --> 00:20:10,684
Get me a hot wife and a hotter
woman to cheat on her with,
431
00:20:10,686 --> 00:20:14,521
'cause I'm a big-time
talent manager.
432
00:20:14,523 --> 00:20:16,557
Congratulations, dude.
433
00:20:16,559 --> 00:20:19,093
Well, I guess if this works out,
I'm gonna have to quit my job
434
00:20:19,095 --> 00:20:20,728
at the diner.
435
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:23,964
Will you be mad at me?
436
00:20:23,966 --> 00:20:26,634
I'll be really sad.
437
00:20:26,636 --> 00:20:28,736
I'm gonna miss you a lot,
you know?
438
00:20:28,738 --> 00:20:30,904
Not seeing you 24/7.
439
00:20:30,906 --> 00:20:33,474
But I would hate myself
if I didn't let you
440
00:20:33,476 --> 00:20:35,876
follow your dreams.
441
00:20:35,878 --> 00:20:40,481
Even if it means you moving out
of the apartment, too.
442
00:20:40,483 --> 00:20:44,118
Now go.
443
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:45,986
Here comes that tear again.
444
00:20:45,988 --> 00:20:48,122
I'm all choked up.
445
00:20:48,124 --> 00:20:51,558
Max, you would have made a great
Rosa Parks.
446
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,761
If you had been Black.
447
00:20:53,763 --> 00:20:58,232
Which, I guess,
is what they insist on.
448
00:20:58,234 --> 00:20:59,667
But you got him to move out.
449
00:20:59,669 --> 00:21:01,101
You are good.
450
00:21:01,103 --> 00:21:03,570
Yeah, well, I mean,
he's cute,
451
00:21:03,572 --> 00:21:09,443
but I'm not all that cuckoo
for his Cocoa Puffs.
452
00:21:09,445 --> 00:21:11,979
[cash register bell rings]