1
00:00:01,378 --> 00:00:03,412
Here's your check.
2
00:00:03,414 --> 00:00:06,982
I didn't charge you for
the fries, 'cause I ate them.
3
00:00:06,984 --> 00:00:10,185
[drone propellers whirring]
4
00:00:13,323 --> 00:00:14,589
[gasps]
Max, look out!
5
00:00:14,591 --> 00:00:17,325
The diner water bugs
are getting really big.
6
00:00:17,327 --> 00:00:20,162
Relax, it's the diner's new
surveillance drone.
7
00:00:20,164 --> 00:00:22,297
God, you empty the register
five or ten times,
8
00:00:22,299 --> 00:00:24,332
suddenly there's no trust.
9
00:00:25,803 --> 00:00:30,605
So to be clear, we're out of
soap but we have a drone?
10
00:00:30,607 --> 00:00:33,408
I hate that Han's just sitting
in back, watching us,
11
00:00:33,410 --> 00:00:36,611
working his little joy stick.
12
00:00:36,613 --> 00:00:41,983
Please, no one's getting any joy
out of Han's little stick.
13
00:00:41,985 --> 00:00:43,952
This is so annoying.
14
00:00:43,954 --> 00:00:46,088
It's following me.
15
00:00:46,090 --> 00:00:48,123
Well, with a butt that flat,
it's the only black thing
16
00:00:48,125 --> 00:00:51,660
that's ever going to follow you.
17
00:00:51,662 --> 00:00:54,229
Ugh, there's another drone
out here?
18
00:00:54,231 --> 00:00:56,765
I just killed one in the kitchen
with a fly swatter.
19
00:00:56,767 --> 00:00:58,033
Go.
20
00:00:58,035 --> 00:00:59,668
I mean, if I wanted
to be spied on,
21
00:00:59,670 --> 00:01:01,169
I'd change my name
to Achmed,
22
00:01:01,171 --> 00:01:06,074
and buy a condo
near the airport.
23
00:01:06,076 --> 00:01:07,576
Whatever happened
to buying a painting
24
00:01:07,578 --> 00:01:10,011
of an old sea captain,
drilling out the eye holes,
25
00:01:10,013 --> 00:01:11,913
and hiding behind it?
26
00:01:11,915 --> 00:01:13,682
Not cool, Han.
27
00:01:13,684 --> 00:01:15,517
And the worst part is,
it's moving around so much,
28
00:01:15,519 --> 00:01:18,854
I can't find my good angle.
29
00:01:18,856 --> 00:01:21,123
Not cool and not Han.
30
00:01:21,125 --> 00:01:23,592
I stole this
while he was explaining to me
31
00:01:23,594 --> 00:01:26,995
why a 77-year-old man,
on minimum wage,
32
00:01:26,997 --> 00:01:29,631
doesn't need health care.
33
00:01:29,633 --> 00:01:31,266
Earl, that is awesome.
34
00:01:31,268 --> 00:01:34,669
Not really.
I need that health care.
35
00:01:34,671 --> 00:01:36,138
No, that you stole that.
36
00:01:36,140 --> 00:01:37,205
We need to do something
that will make Han
37
00:01:37,207 --> 00:01:39,975
never want to spy
on us again.
38
00:01:39,977 --> 00:01:43,211
Oleg, open your pants.
39
00:01:43,213 --> 00:01:47,015
Earl, fly that camera
in there.
40
00:01:47,017 --> 00:01:49,918
But first,
take off your underwear.
41
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:54,222
Underwear?
42
00:01:54,224 --> 00:01:57,859
Come on.
What am I, five?
43
00:01:57,861 --> 00:01:59,928
Inches?
44
00:02:01,465 --> 00:02:05,367
Oleg, aren't you at all worried
about Earl's cataracts?
45
00:02:05,369 --> 00:02:08,003
Best case scenario,
I get a little manscaping.
46
00:02:08,005 --> 00:02:13,341
Worst case, I've been meaning
to get circumcised.
47
00:02:13,343 --> 00:02:15,844
[Han's screams]
48
00:02:15,846 --> 00:02:16,845
My eyes!
49
00:02:16,847 --> 00:02:19,848
[screaming]
50
00:02:21,485 --> 00:02:23,785
(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
51
00:02:23,787 --> 00:02:25,320
[cash register bell dings]
52
00:02:25,322 --> 00:02:28,924
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ¶
53
00:02:35,465 --> 00:02:37,332
Max, I'm writing out
the check for our bank loan,
54
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:39,234
and I'm not quite sure
what our balance is
55
00:02:39,236 --> 00:02:44,806
because here under "withdrawals"
you just wrote, "yeah."
56
00:02:44,808 --> 00:02:46,841
Well, if you don't like that,
you're really not going to like
57
00:02:46,843 --> 00:02:48,743
the picture I drew
under "deposits."
58
00:02:50,214 --> 00:02:51,513
I saw it.
59
00:02:51,515 --> 00:02:53,815
Max, zeroes are not balls,
they're not boobs,
60
00:02:53,817 --> 00:02:58,553
and they're not googly eyes.
61
00:02:58,555 --> 00:03:00,822
They're just zeroes.
62
00:03:00,824 --> 00:03:03,225
Says you.
63
00:03:03,227 --> 00:03:05,093
I'll go check our balance
at the ATM.
64
00:03:05,095 --> 00:03:06,661
Even though the last guy
who touched it
65
00:03:06,663 --> 00:03:07,996
had a cold sore so big,
66
00:03:07,998 --> 00:03:10,131
I charged him
for a party of two.
67
00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:12,267
Don't worry. You are not
going to get anything
68
00:03:12,269 --> 00:03:13,435
from that machine.
69
00:03:13,437 --> 00:03:16,204
Especially cash.
70
00:03:16,206 --> 00:03:18,306
Hey, everybody.
71
00:03:21,345 --> 00:03:22,844
Oh, yeah.
72
00:03:22,846 --> 00:03:24,412
Somebody better make me
some eggs
73
00:03:24,414 --> 00:03:27,282
because I've been on
a juice cleanse for three hours,
74
00:03:27,284 --> 00:03:29,017
and I'm dizzy.
75
00:03:29,019 --> 00:03:31,086
Yeah.
I mean, they call it a fast,
76
00:03:31,088 --> 00:03:34,122
but it sure does go slow.
77
00:03:34,124 --> 00:03:36,858
I was on a three weeks fast,
once.
78
00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:40,929
Then I realized my mother
wasn't coming home.
79
00:03:40,931 --> 00:03:43,632
So I made a sandwich.
80
00:03:43,634 --> 00:03:45,567
Oleg and my wedding
is coming up
81
00:03:45,569 --> 00:03:48,703
and we're trying to eat clean.
82
00:03:48,705 --> 00:03:50,905
Yeah, baby, 'cause you know
we're eating dirty
83
00:03:50,907 --> 00:03:55,410
on the honeymoon.
84
00:03:55,412 --> 00:03:56,945
[screaming]
85
00:03:56,947 --> 00:03:59,247
Oh, dear God, what?
86
00:03:59,249 --> 00:04:02,784
Another used condom
in the receipt slot?
87
00:04:02,786 --> 00:04:04,486
- Worse.
- What?
88
00:04:04,488 --> 00:04:09,658
Stuff that should be
in a condom but isn't?
89
00:04:09,660 --> 00:04:12,060
We're below zero.
90
00:04:12,062 --> 00:04:15,930
Oh, well,
I better go, y'all.
91
00:04:15,932 --> 00:04:19,067
A white woman screaming
anywhere in my vicinity
92
00:04:19,069 --> 00:04:22,504
never turns out well.
93
00:04:22,506 --> 00:04:23,805
This is a disaster.
94
00:04:23,807 --> 00:04:25,106
I've been at zero,
95
00:04:25,108 --> 00:04:27,676
but I've never
had less than zero.
96
00:04:27,678 --> 00:04:29,277
Oh, don't say that, Caroline.
97
00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:33,882
I mean, you're forgetting
about your dating options.
98
00:04:33,884 --> 00:04:35,850
We have less than zero money
99
00:04:35,852 --> 00:04:38,753
and no way
of paying off our bank loan.
100
00:04:38,755 --> 00:04:40,555
Oh, my God.
It happened.
101
00:04:40,557 --> 00:04:43,325
I'm working class.
102
00:04:43,327 --> 00:04:45,827
Hey. I've waited tables
with you for four years
103
00:04:45,829 --> 00:04:48,596
and there's no way you could
call what you do working.
104
00:04:52,769 --> 00:04:54,002
Cupcakes!
105
00:04:54,004 --> 00:04:56,304
Buy cupcakes.
106
00:04:56,306 --> 00:04:59,708
Buy cupcakes!
107
00:04:59,710 --> 00:05:01,009
Stop.
108
00:05:01,011 --> 00:05:02,944
You look more desperate
than Justin Bieber
109
00:05:02,946 --> 00:05:06,915
in that Calvin Klein ad.
110
00:05:06,917 --> 00:05:08,550
You don't understand
the seriousness
111
00:05:08,552 --> 00:05:10,185
of this bank situation.
112
00:05:10,187 --> 00:05:14,089
You don't understand the rules
of World Of Warcraft.
113
00:05:14,091 --> 00:05:16,691
The loan just keeps escalating
and escalating
114
00:05:16,693 --> 00:05:19,327
until they close us down.
115
00:05:19,329 --> 00:05:22,030
Cupcakes!
Buy cupcakes!
116
00:05:22,032 --> 00:05:25,033
Buy cupcakes!
Buy cupcakes!
117
00:05:25,035 --> 00:05:26,334
Oh, Pay-dirt.
Look.
118
00:05:26,336 --> 00:05:28,870
Here comes a big, fat
frat house guy.
119
00:05:28,872 --> 00:05:30,839
Hey, bitches.
120
00:05:30,841 --> 00:05:32,640
Remember me?
121
00:05:32,642 --> 00:05:34,175
Big Mary.
122
00:05:34,177 --> 00:05:36,678
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
123
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,347
John, we haven't seen you
since pastry school.
124
00:05:39,349 --> 00:05:41,549
Hey, for old times' sake,
want to buy a cupcake?
125
00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:44,352
A dozen?
The shop?
126
00:05:44,354 --> 00:05:46,388
So I came because
I may know of a way
127
00:05:46,390 --> 00:05:48,323
for Max to make
some extra money.
128
00:05:48,325 --> 00:05:50,992
Whatever it is,
she'll do it.
129
00:05:50,994 --> 00:05:54,229
That was my yearbook quote.
130
00:05:54,231 --> 00:05:55,897
I just got hired
at a new restaurant
131
00:05:55,899 --> 00:05:57,065
that's opening
under the High Line Park
132
00:05:57,067 --> 00:05:59,000
in Manhattan,
and they are looking
133
00:05:59,002 --> 00:06:01,136
for another day pastry chef.
134
00:06:01,138 --> 00:06:03,238
I only have a year
of pastry school
135
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,607
and I was stoned
for, like, a year of that.
136
00:06:05,609 --> 00:06:07,776
I don't know
if I have the skills.
137
00:06:07,778 --> 00:06:11,212
[chuckles]
Oh, girl, you don't.
138
00:06:11,214 --> 00:06:14,616
But the manager, Joe,
wants only pretty people.
139
00:06:14,618 --> 00:06:15,850
And what you lack in pastry,
140
00:06:15,852 --> 00:06:18,386
you more than make up
for in pretty.
141
00:06:18,388 --> 00:06:20,388
She'll do it.
You'll do it, Max.
142
00:06:20,390 --> 00:06:21,823
And John will be there
to help back you up
143
00:06:21,825 --> 00:06:23,091
with his pastry skills.
144
00:06:23,093 --> 00:06:26,127
And 'cause I'm pretty.
145
00:06:26,129 --> 00:06:28,296
I don't belong in a place
like that.
146
00:06:28,298 --> 00:06:29,798
It's called "The High."
147
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:33,735
Sounds right.
Give me the deets.
148
00:06:33,737 --> 00:06:35,170
Well, good night girls.
149
00:06:35,172 --> 00:06:36,838
Sorry about your bank balance.
150
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,106
But I trust you'll both lapse
151
00:06:38,108 --> 00:06:41,876
into denial fairly soon,
as always.
152
00:06:41,878 --> 00:06:43,278
Hello.
153
00:06:45,949 --> 00:06:50,251
Who was she?
154
00:06:50,253 --> 00:06:53,988
Hold me closer,
tiny dancer.
155
00:06:56,927 --> 00:06:59,060
Oh...Han's not gay.
156
00:06:59,062 --> 00:07:01,463
You forgot the "yet."
157
00:07:10,540 --> 00:07:12,073
Max, maybe button up
a button or two.
158
00:07:12,075 --> 00:07:14,742
It's a dessert bar.
Not a strip bar.
159
00:07:14,744 --> 00:07:16,811
Hey, I need this job,
160
00:07:16,813 --> 00:07:20,782
and once this Joe guy takes
one look at these puff pastries,
161
00:07:20,784 --> 00:07:22,217
he might cut me some slack
when he sees
162
00:07:22,219 --> 00:07:24,853
my other "not so puff"
pastries.
163
00:07:24,855 --> 00:07:27,055
And you're comfortable
with that?
164
00:07:27,057 --> 00:07:28,022
Yup.
165
00:07:28,024 --> 00:07:30,158
Like I guess
you're comfortable
166
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:31,392
applying for a waitress job
167
00:07:31,394 --> 00:07:34,028
on just the merits
of your waitress skills.
168
00:07:37,734 --> 00:07:39,234
Should I keep going?
169
00:07:39,236 --> 00:07:41,135
Why?
170
00:07:41,137 --> 00:07:43,004
I'm here.
171
00:07:43,006 --> 00:07:45,473
I'll take those applications.
Hurry, ladies.
172
00:07:45,475 --> 00:07:49,811
If I was looking for pretty
and slow, I'd hire Nick Jonas.
173
00:07:49,813 --> 00:07:51,946
Max,
let's get out of here.
174
00:07:51,948 --> 00:07:53,915
She reminds me
of this nightmare
175
00:07:53,917 --> 00:07:55,984
I'm going to have
for the rest of my life.
176
00:07:55,986 --> 00:07:57,785
Relax, she's just
his guard dog.
177
00:07:57,787 --> 00:07:59,521
It's Joe guy
we have to impress.
178
00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:00,655
No thank you.
179
00:08:00,657 --> 00:08:02,156
No thank you.
180
00:08:02,158 --> 00:08:04,259
And how dare you?
181
00:08:06,930 --> 00:08:09,464
Oh, I'm sorry, the restaurant
doesn't open until tomorrow.
182
00:08:09,466 --> 00:08:10,899
Actually, no.
183
00:08:10,901 --> 00:08:13,401
Hi. I'm here to apply
for a waitress job.
184
00:08:13,403 --> 00:08:15,036
At your age?
185
00:08:15,038 --> 00:08:16,804
I'm 27!
186
00:08:16,806 --> 00:08:18,406
And?
187
00:08:18,408 --> 00:08:20,708
Max,
I can't breathe.
188
00:08:20,710 --> 00:08:23,912
And I'm here to apply
for a pastry chef.
189
00:08:23,914 --> 00:08:27,315
Also 27, but I've looked
this old since I was 6.
190
00:08:27,317 --> 00:08:30,652
For a while, I thought I had
that Benjamin Button's disease.
191
00:08:30,654 --> 00:08:32,954
I'll take the pastry chef
first.
192
00:08:32,956 --> 00:08:34,455
Why don't you sit over there
and wait.
193
00:08:34,457 --> 00:08:36,624
I won't be long,
because frankly,
194
00:08:36,626 --> 00:08:39,527
you don't have the time.
195
00:08:39,529 --> 00:08:41,629
Thank you.
I'll be over there.
196
00:08:41,631 --> 00:08:45,667
Applying for Social Security.
197
00:08:45,669 --> 00:08:47,835
So where did you go
to pastry school,
198
00:08:47,837 --> 00:08:49,704
and why aren't you
working now?
199
00:08:49,706 --> 00:08:52,173
Manhattan School Of Pastry,
and I am working.
200
00:08:52,175 --> 00:08:54,208
I have my own cupcake shop
in Brooklyn.
201
00:08:54,210 --> 00:08:56,377
Oh, it's almost over.
202
00:08:56,379 --> 00:08:57,745
This interview? Great.
203
00:08:57,747 --> 00:08:59,614
No. Not the interview.
Brooklyn.
204
00:08:59,616 --> 00:09:01,215
Brooklyn's almost over.
205
00:09:01,217 --> 00:09:04,752
Also, cupcakes.
206
00:09:04,754 --> 00:09:07,422
Cool. I will tell them.
207
00:09:07,424 --> 00:09:08,756
Wish I knew that
before they all got
208
00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:11,793
their belly buttons pierced
trying to stay cool.
209
00:09:11,795 --> 00:09:13,795
Oh, great.
A sense of humor.
210
00:09:13,797 --> 00:09:15,430
Customers love that.
211
00:09:15,432 --> 00:09:18,166
I don't, but they do.
212
00:09:18,168 --> 00:09:21,803
So, um, where's this Joe guy
who's doing the hiring?
213
00:09:21,805 --> 00:09:24,372
There is no "Joe guy."
I'm Joe.
214
00:09:24,374 --> 00:09:26,274
Spelled, J-O-E-D-T-H.
215
00:09:26,276 --> 00:09:29,110
The D-T-H is silent.
216
00:09:29,112 --> 00:09:32,213
As am I,
because I want this job.
217
00:09:32,215 --> 00:09:34,482
Well, I guess
I can put these away then.
218
00:09:34,484 --> 00:09:36,084
That was your plan?
219
00:09:36,086 --> 00:09:39,520
To expose your breasts and
seduce your way into this job?
220
00:09:39,522 --> 00:09:44,225
You say that
like it's a bad thing.
221
00:09:44,227 --> 00:09:45,627
Okay.
Well, bye.
222
00:09:45,629 --> 00:09:47,295
Sit, sit.
223
00:09:47,297 --> 00:09:48,596
If you really can bake,
224
00:09:48,598 --> 00:09:50,498
this position might be
perfect for you.
225
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:51,766
Also, you have that edgy,
226
00:09:51,768 --> 00:09:53,868
"I don't give a crap"
attitude.
227
00:09:53,870 --> 00:09:55,036
Customers love that.
228
00:09:55,038 --> 00:09:57,905
I don't, but they do.
229
00:09:57,907 --> 00:10:02,377
Actually, Joe, silent D-T-H,
I can bake.
230
00:10:02,379 --> 00:10:03,845
But how well?
231
00:10:03,847 --> 00:10:07,448
My girlfriend and I are
obsessed with French pastry.
232
00:10:07,450 --> 00:10:12,487
Oh. Girlfriend
as in "girlfriend,"
233
00:10:12,489 --> 00:10:13,921
or as in two ladies
of a certain age
234
00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:17,558
at a Cineplex
splitting one thing of popcorn?
235
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:20,461
Everything you just said
offended me.
236
00:10:20,463 --> 00:10:23,531
Yeah, that's my brand.
237
00:10:23,533 --> 00:10:24,732
And the fact
that you didn't cry
238
00:10:24,734 --> 00:10:26,000
about splitting a popcorn
makes me think
239
00:10:26,002 --> 00:10:28,803
it's the first kind of
girlfriend.
240
00:10:28,805 --> 00:10:30,972
How are your macaroons?
241
00:10:34,411 --> 00:10:36,110
Uh...oh. Mm.
242
00:10:36,112 --> 00:10:39,914
My macaroons?
243
00:10:39,916 --> 00:10:42,950
Great.
244
00:10:42,952 --> 00:10:46,354
A little bit of French
heaven.
245
00:10:46,356 --> 00:10:48,189
What is your name?
246
00:10:48,191 --> 00:10:50,425
Max.
247
00:10:50,427 --> 00:10:53,695
M-a-x.
248
00:10:53,697 --> 00:10:55,496
[clicks teeth]
249
00:10:55,498 --> 00:10:58,032
Nothing is silent.
Ever.
250
00:10:58,034 --> 00:11:00,268
So I gather.
251
00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:03,271
Okay. Why don't you go
fill out an application, Max.
252
00:11:03,273 --> 00:11:04,906
And you can
put those away again.
253
00:11:04,908 --> 00:11:07,475
I'm really not
into big-breasted women.
254
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:11,713
Girl, you got this.
255
00:11:16,586 --> 00:11:19,153
First day.
Are you nervous, girl?
256
00:11:19,155 --> 00:11:21,689
Please. Nervous is telling
your elderly Mormon parents
257
00:11:21,691 --> 00:11:23,758
that you're gay
after your three older siblings
258
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,861
already came out.
259
00:11:26,863 --> 00:11:29,597
I have no idea what most
of these desserts are.
260
00:11:29,599 --> 00:11:33,568
I haven't felt this lost
since the finale of Lost.
261
00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:36,871
Max, can you see any of the
Barney's price tags on these?
262
00:11:36,873 --> 00:11:38,039
Uh, I think there's one
bunching up
263
00:11:38,041 --> 00:11:39,540
inside the back
of your pants.
264
00:11:39,542 --> 00:11:42,877
No, that's the underwear
I'm also returning.
265
00:11:42,879 --> 00:11:44,812
Here she comes.
266
00:11:44,814 --> 00:11:46,614
Hi, ladies.
This is Naomi,
267
00:11:46,616 --> 00:11:48,316
the dessert bar hostess.
268
00:11:48,318 --> 00:11:50,084
Go, Naomi, go.
269
00:11:51,755 --> 00:11:58,025
Gorgeous, but as dumb as whoever
is the hot new idiot right now.
270
00:11:58,027 --> 00:12:00,762
Let me take a look at you.
271
00:12:00,764 --> 00:12:02,797
Good-bye.
272
00:12:02,799 --> 00:12:04,632
Already?
273
00:12:04,634 --> 00:12:07,001
Those pearls.
They have to go.
274
00:12:07,003 --> 00:12:08,302
Really? It's just, well,
275
00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:10,538
I'm kind of emotionally attached
to them.
276
00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:13,074
Well, honey, I love
my half-blind French bulldog,
277
00:12:13,076 --> 00:12:16,377
but I don't wear her
around my neck.
278
00:12:16,379 --> 00:12:18,646
Max, let me take a look.
279
00:12:18,648 --> 00:12:19,647
Love it.
280
00:12:19,649 --> 00:12:21,983
Fabulous.
Well done.
281
00:12:21,985 --> 00:12:25,186
Hi, Joe. Big day.
I'm so excited.
282
00:12:25,188 --> 00:12:29,056
Why don't you be excited
in the back, doll?
283
00:12:29,058 --> 00:12:30,825
I want Max up front now.
284
00:12:30,827 --> 00:12:33,761
All my life, people have been
telling me not to come out.
285
00:12:33,763 --> 00:12:37,431
Why should here
be any different?
286
00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:41,202
Ladies, I just got word that
the New York Times food critic
287
00:12:41,204 --> 00:12:44,205
may make a surprise visit
this afternoon.
288
00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:46,207
Everything
has to be perfect--
289
00:12:46,209 --> 00:12:47,875
the service,
the desserts,
290
00:12:47,877 --> 00:12:50,912
the precarious balance
of my meds.
291
00:12:50,914 --> 00:12:53,347
Nothing can go wrong.
292
00:12:53,349 --> 00:12:54,816
Naomi.
293
00:12:54,818 --> 00:12:56,484
Fetch.
294
00:12:59,122 --> 00:13:00,655
"Welcome to The High."
295
00:13:00,657 --> 00:13:02,657
"Hi. Welcome to The High."
296
00:13:02,659 --> 00:13:03,958
"Welcome to The High."
297
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:08,296
Stop saying high.
It reminds me I'm not.
298
00:13:08,298 --> 00:13:10,431
Wait, Max,
you're not high?
299
00:13:10,433 --> 00:13:12,200
Like, not high at all?
300
00:13:12,202 --> 00:13:15,469
No. I didn't want
to screw today up.
301
00:13:15,471 --> 00:13:18,372
What the hell
is wrong with you?
302
00:13:18,374 --> 00:13:20,942
You can't change
who you are today.
303
00:13:20,944 --> 00:13:21,943
The New York Times
is coming.
304
00:13:21,945 --> 00:13:23,477
How will you cope?
305
00:13:23,479 --> 00:13:26,547
I mean, when's the last time
you weren't high?
306
00:13:26,549 --> 00:13:29,116
My birth.
307
00:13:29,118 --> 00:13:30,785
But I was really drunk.
308
00:13:30,787 --> 00:13:33,087
I had just had
a bottle of wine.
309
00:13:33,089 --> 00:13:35,122
Well, my mother had.
310
00:13:35,124 --> 00:13:36,457
I have to go wait
on those customers.
311
00:13:36,459 --> 00:13:38,025
Do what you can
to get with the program.
312
00:13:38,027 --> 00:13:39,894
I mean, get off
the program.
313
00:13:39,896 --> 00:13:43,598
You can't bake not baked.
314
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,199
Big Mary?
315
00:13:45,201 --> 00:13:46,167
John?
316
00:13:46,169 --> 00:13:47,935
Why not try my new name?
317
00:13:47,937 --> 00:13:50,471
Quasimodo.
318
00:13:50,473 --> 00:13:51,806
Do you have any weed?
319
00:13:51,808 --> 00:13:53,574
Do I have any weed?
320
00:13:53,576 --> 00:13:56,444
Let me check my hump.
321
00:13:56,446 --> 00:13:59,513
Nope.
No weed.
322
00:13:59,515 --> 00:14:01,249
Thanks, Rico.
I didn't want to ask
323
00:14:01,251 --> 00:14:03,417
due to the city-wide ban
on racial profiling.
324
00:14:05,788 --> 00:14:07,855
Wow.
This dish room is cleaner
325
00:14:07,857 --> 00:14:12,193
than Chris Christie's plate
after lunch.
326
00:14:12,195 --> 00:14:14,095
Max, I need two lavender
macaroons.
327
00:14:14,097 --> 00:14:16,097
- Where are they?
- I'm working on them.
328
00:14:16,099 --> 00:14:18,900
Well, good.
I'm so proud of you.
329
00:14:18,902 --> 00:14:21,636
This is so Freaky Friday.
330
00:14:24,574 --> 00:14:26,240
Here are the lavender macaroons.
331
00:14:26,242 --> 00:14:29,243
See? Even just holding this,
I'm better.
332
00:14:29,245 --> 00:14:31,812
Now we just have to hope
nothing goes wrong.
333
00:14:31,814 --> 00:14:33,214
(Sophie)
Surprise!
334
00:14:38,054 --> 00:14:41,055
We all came to support you.
335
00:14:47,664 --> 00:14:49,297
(Caroline)
Well, that's it.
336
00:14:49,299 --> 00:14:50,898
The New York Times food critic
may be in the same room
337
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:53,467
as Han, Earl,
Oleg, and Sophie.
338
00:14:53,469 --> 00:14:57,438
We're dead.
Time of death, 11:30.
339
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,840
I believe it's more like 4:20.
340
00:15:02,679 --> 00:15:06,580
Oh, Caroline,
I love your new place.
341
00:15:06,582 --> 00:15:08,983
It's so fresh and pretty.
342
00:15:08,985 --> 00:15:13,421
It kind of looks like
a douche commercial.
343
00:15:13,423 --> 00:15:14,789
You're right, baby.
344
00:15:14,791 --> 00:15:17,825
It looks exactly like
a douche commercial.
345
00:15:17,827 --> 00:15:20,695
Okay.
Can we stop saying "douche"
346
00:15:20,697 --> 00:15:22,496
in the fancy pastry shop?
347
00:15:22,498 --> 00:15:25,533
I agree.
Not appropriate.
348
00:15:25,535 --> 00:15:27,969
Caroline, darling,
slip my phone number
349
00:15:27,971 --> 00:15:30,905
to that fine Nubian
princess.
350
00:15:30,907 --> 00:15:33,174
And tell her not to be
fooled by my bad hip.
351
00:15:33,176 --> 00:15:37,979
I can still gently
rock her world.
352
00:15:37,981 --> 00:15:39,814
Okay, guys,
what are you doing here
353
00:15:39,816 --> 00:15:41,615
and how quickly can you leave?
354
00:15:41,617 --> 00:15:42,717
Real nice.
355
00:15:42,719 --> 00:15:43,851
After we came all this way
356
00:15:43,853 --> 00:15:45,519
to just order only desserts
357
00:15:45,521 --> 00:15:46,887
that Max knows how to make
358
00:15:46,889 --> 00:15:49,790
and to say nice things
about you as a waitress.
359
00:15:49,792 --> 00:15:51,759
Oh, you'd do that for me?
360
00:15:51,761 --> 00:15:53,894
Hell no,
I can't pull that off.
361
00:15:55,732 --> 00:15:57,231
If I could act,
I'd sell the restaurant
362
00:15:57,233 --> 00:15:59,734
and get cast in two-line roles
as the doctor
363
00:15:59,736 --> 00:16:03,204
on any network television show.
364
00:16:03,206 --> 00:16:04,472
Sophie's the actress.
365
00:16:04,474 --> 00:16:07,341
And trust me,
she's got quite a repertoire.
366
00:16:07,343 --> 00:16:09,643
In bed, I call her Meryl Sheets.
367
00:16:09,645 --> 00:16:11,612
Do it, baby.
368
00:16:14,050 --> 00:16:19,387
[Southern Belle accent]
Oh, what a lovely place.
369
00:16:19,389 --> 00:16:21,622
That's the accent she uses
when we play
370
00:16:21,624 --> 00:16:23,924
"12 Years A Sex Slave."
371
00:16:26,696 --> 00:16:28,029
Lovely, be right back.
372
00:16:28,031 --> 00:16:30,364
Oh, and, welcome to The High.
373
00:16:31,934 --> 00:16:33,100
(Joedth)
What's going on
with that table?
374
00:16:33,102 --> 00:16:35,936
Is there a European circus
in town?
375
00:16:35,938 --> 00:16:38,072
A circus?
Well, I wouldn't know.
376
00:16:38,074 --> 00:16:39,774
I really have no idea
who they are.
377
00:16:39,776 --> 00:16:42,143
That didn't require an answer.
378
00:16:42,145 --> 00:16:45,479
It was just one
of my dead-on observations.
379
00:16:45,481 --> 00:16:47,048
Just get rid of them.
380
00:16:47,050 --> 00:16:52,953
Tell them we've run out
of funnel cakes.
381
00:16:52,955 --> 00:16:57,425
Well, I'm feeling like
my old self.
382
00:16:57,427 --> 00:17:00,127
Joe just told me to lose Han,
Earl, Oleg, and Sophie.
383
00:17:00,129 --> 00:17:02,496
How am I supposed to
lose that many people?
384
00:17:02,498 --> 00:17:04,899
I'm not air traffic control.
385
00:17:04,901 --> 00:17:06,767
You are acting like
they don't know how to act
386
00:17:06,769 --> 00:17:08,702
in a fancy place.
387
00:17:08,704 --> 00:17:10,504
[Sophie, yelling]
Girls, look!
388
00:17:10,506 --> 00:17:14,208
Oleg's wearing
his napkin as a party hat.
389
00:17:14,210 --> 00:17:17,211
[Sophie laughing]
390
00:17:19,782 --> 00:17:22,183
Here's your dessert.
Bon appetite.
391
00:17:22,185 --> 00:17:24,652
Max, I can't believe
you just made that.
392
00:17:24,654 --> 00:17:26,787
Neither can I.
393
00:17:26,789 --> 00:17:28,956
And what did you say
to Oleg and Sophie?
394
00:17:28,958 --> 00:17:30,791
It's been an hour,
and I haven't seen
395
00:17:30,793 --> 00:17:33,194
any over-the-table
penetration.
396
00:17:33,196 --> 00:17:35,696
I just told them
to be on their best behavior,
397
00:17:35,698 --> 00:17:37,531
and they're fine with it.
398
00:17:37,533 --> 00:17:39,300
Excuse me, Max.
399
00:17:39,302 --> 00:17:40,434
Yes, hi.
400
00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:42,036
May I go tinkle?
401
00:17:42,038 --> 00:17:46,307
Or is that against the law here
at Guantanamo Dessert Bay?
402
00:17:46,309 --> 00:17:49,009
I'm gonna go have sex
in the ladies room.
403
00:17:49,011 --> 00:17:52,179
Unless you two prudes
have a problem with that, too.
404
00:17:53,649 --> 00:17:55,649
Excuse me.
405
00:17:55,651 --> 00:17:56,851
Can I get a latte
and a red wine?
406
00:17:56,853 --> 00:17:58,319
[clears throat]
407
00:17:58,321 --> 00:18:01,122
'Cause I got a Vicodin
stuck in my throat.
408
00:18:03,860 --> 00:18:04,925
Oh, my God.
409
00:18:04,927 --> 00:18:06,160
Who could be that messed up
410
00:18:06,162 --> 00:18:07,895
in the middle
of the afternoon?
411
00:18:07,897 --> 00:18:11,665
Uh, my new best friend.
412
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:13,567
I better get rid of her
before Joe
413
00:18:13,569 --> 00:18:15,336
or that Times critic
walks in.
414
00:18:15,338 --> 00:18:18,572
You keep doing good things
by accident.
415
00:18:18,574 --> 00:18:19,874
Hi, can I get a--
416
00:18:19,876 --> 00:18:21,575
You sure can.
Anywhere but here.
417
00:18:21,577 --> 00:18:24,712
(woman)
Oh, no. Spinning's not good
for me right now.
418
00:18:26,516 --> 00:18:28,082
(Joedth)
What is she doing here?
419
00:18:28,084 --> 00:18:29,450
Leaving.
You never saw her.
420
00:18:29,452 --> 00:18:30,985
- Wait--
- Joe, I got this.
421
00:18:30,987 --> 00:18:32,386
My bestie at school
was totally hooked
422
00:18:32,388 --> 00:18:34,622
on prescription pills
for, like, a week.
423
00:18:34,624 --> 00:18:37,057
Hey, hi, you.
424
00:18:37,994 --> 00:18:40,127
Excuse me.
Where is Max?
425
00:18:40,129 --> 00:18:41,428
She's in the back
for a sec.
426
00:18:41,430 --> 00:18:42,897
So...
427
00:18:42,899 --> 00:18:44,832
We meet again.
428
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:47,168
Sir, do you need something
in the back?
429
00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:49,603
Yes, Caroline said
she'd bring me a napkin,
430
00:18:49,605 --> 00:18:54,441
but I could get Time Warner
on the phone faster than that.
431
00:18:54,443 --> 00:18:55,676
Just ask Max.
432
00:18:55,678 --> 00:18:59,446
She covers for Caroline
all the time at the diner.
433
00:19:00,550 --> 00:19:01,615
Max?
434
00:19:01,617 --> 00:19:04,852
Ooh.
Drama at The High.
435
00:19:04,854 --> 00:19:06,820
Han,
that's my new boss.
436
00:19:06,822 --> 00:19:08,422
Stop talking.
437
00:19:08,424 --> 00:19:11,892
Also, stop collecting stickers.
You're a grown-up.
438
00:19:11,894 --> 00:19:15,062
Okay, I threw that drug addict
out.
439
00:19:15,064 --> 00:19:18,032
That drug addict
is my girlfriend.
440
00:19:18,034 --> 00:19:20,401
More drama at The High.
441
00:19:20,403 --> 00:19:22,670
And Caroline,
we have a problem.
442
00:19:22,672 --> 00:19:24,405
You called Allie
a drug addict.
443
00:19:24,407 --> 00:19:25,539
Oh, is that her name?
444
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:26,840
Allie?
So cute.
445
00:19:26,842 --> 00:19:28,809
Even lovelier.
446
00:19:28,811 --> 00:19:30,778
And according
to that very small man,
447
00:19:30,780 --> 00:19:34,014
you're also
a terrible waitress.
448
00:19:34,016 --> 00:19:37,117
But I had no idea
you two were together.
449
00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:40,654
I would have thought
a powerful...
450
00:19:40,656 --> 00:19:43,257
Stop. Now.
451
00:19:43,259 --> 00:19:46,193
Joe, look, we really need
these jobs.
452
00:19:46,195 --> 00:19:48,329
We made a bad decision
with our bakery business,
453
00:19:48,331 --> 00:19:51,699
and we have a big bank loan
that we can't pay.
454
00:19:51,701 --> 00:19:53,033
Honesty.
Good.
455
00:19:53,035 --> 00:19:55,035
People respond
to honesty.
456
00:19:55,037 --> 00:19:57,972
I don't, but they do.
457
00:19:57,974 --> 00:19:59,473
Max, you have potential here.
458
00:19:59,475 --> 00:20:02,142
Caroline,
you're fired as a waitress.
459
00:20:03,779 --> 00:20:05,145
Are you sure?
460
00:20:05,147 --> 00:20:06,247
Stop!
461
00:20:09,752 --> 00:20:12,419
There's nothing in there
to save you.
462
00:20:14,590 --> 00:20:17,091
Well, if she's fired,
I'm fired, too.
463
00:20:17,093 --> 00:20:19,360
Oh, relax,
Norma Rae.
464
00:20:19,362 --> 00:20:21,228
She's fired
as a waitress,
465
00:20:21,230 --> 00:20:23,330
but she's hired
as a hostess.
466
00:20:23,332 --> 00:20:26,000
I am?
Why?
467
00:20:26,002 --> 00:20:27,968
Because you're pretty,
you flashed a boob,
468
00:20:27,970 --> 00:20:30,638
and you took more control
of Allie in five minutes
469
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:34,108
than anybody's been able to do
in her three rehab stints.
470
00:20:34,110 --> 00:20:38,512
And that, lady,
is a New York City hostess.
471
00:20:43,653 --> 00:20:45,653
Well, girls, I struck out.
472
00:20:45,655 --> 00:20:50,224
Bill Cosby has ruined it
for all black men over 70
473
00:20:50,226 --> 00:20:54,128
who are just trying
to buy a gal a drink.
474
00:20:57,833 --> 00:21:00,000
Max, how do you like that?
475
00:21:00,002 --> 00:21:02,236
I'm the hostess.
I got a promotion!
476
00:21:02,238 --> 00:21:03,737
I don't think
a hostess is a promo--
477
00:21:03,739 --> 00:21:06,173
It is, Max, 'cause with a
less-than-zero bank balance,
478
00:21:06,175 --> 00:21:07,975
it has to be.
It's all I have left.