1
00:00:02,279 --> 00:00:03,945
Here you go.
2
00:00:03,947 --> 00:00:05,480
And I hope you enjoyed
dinner and the show.
3
00:00:05,482 --> 00:00:09,651
The show being me pretending
I'm happy as a waitress.
4
00:00:09,653 --> 00:00:10,986
Caroline, where is Max?
5
00:00:10,988 --> 00:00:13,855
And I've already checked
the bowels of hell.
6
00:00:13,857 --> 00:00:16,892
Yeah, I know where I work.
7
00:00:16,894 --> 00:00:18,160
Max is going to be late today
8
00:00:18,162 --> 00:00:19,528
'cause she got stuck
on the subway.
9
00:00:19,530 --> 00:00:20,796
But you said yesterday
she was late
10
00:00:20,798 --> 00:00:22,864
because she was stuck
on the subway.
11
00:00:22,866 --> 00:00:27,502
No, I believe I said yesterday
she got stuck under the subway.
12
00:00:27,504 --> 00:00:29,337
Oleg, a little help.
13
00:00:29,339 --> 00:00:30,572
Oh, Max?
14
00:00:30,574 --> 00:00:32,574
Today she got stuck on a bus.
15
00:00:32,576 --> 00:00:35,877
And you said that the day before
yesterday.
16
00:00:35,879 --> 00:00:38,180
- Earl?
- She got stuck between the moon
17
00:00:38,182 --> 00:00:40,682
and New York City.
18
00:00:40,684 --> 00:00:44,686
I know it's crazy,
but it's true.
19
00:00:44,688 --> 00:00:45,754
Sorry I'm late.
20
00:00:45,756 --> 00:00:47,756
I couldn't find our cat, Nancy.
21
00:00:47,758 --> 00:00:51,560
Also, I was stuck
on the bus or under the subway.
22
00:00:51,562 --> 00:00:52,727
Unless they told you
something different,
23
00:00:52,729 --> 00:00:54,763
then I was doing that.
24
00:00:54,765 --> 00:00:57,365
Oh, come on.
That excuse was less satisfying
25
00:00:57,367 --> 00:01:00,469
than the end of Serial.
26
00:01:00,471 --> 00:01:02,170
Max, really,
what do you take me for?
27
00:01:02,172 --> 00:01:04,539
Well, I know where
I can't take you.
28
00:01:04,541 --> 00:01:08,810
On the big rides
at Disneyland.
29
00:01:08,812 --> 00:01:10,345
Nancy still hasn't come home.
30
00:01:10,347 --> 00:01:11,413
I'm freaking out.
31
00:01:11,415 --> 00:01:13,014
She's the only thing I love.
32
00:01:13,016 --> 00:01:14,015
[gasps]
33
00:01:14,017 --> 00:01:15,884
Whatever.
34
00:01:15,886 --> 00:01:18,353
I had a cat once.
He was cool.
35
00:01:18,355 --> 00:01:22,224
He was black
and very sexually active.
36
00:01:22,226 --> 00:01:26,995
Oh, wait, the cool cat
I'm talking about was me.
37
00:01:26,997 --> 00:01:30,232
Earl, be careful, at your age,
you could die having sex.
38
00:01:30,234 --> 00:01:31,633
I know.
39
00:01:31,635 --> 00:01:33,935
Those ladies don't know
whether I'm coming or going.
40
00:01:37,107 --> 00:01:39,341
(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
41
00:01:39,343 --> 00:01:41,042
[cash register bell dings]
42
00:01:41,044 --> 00:01:44,980
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ¶
43
00:01:49,620 --> 00:01:51,419
I think Nancy might be gone
for good.
44
00:01:51,421 --> 00:01:53,221
I just can't believe
she didn't take me with her.
45
00:01:53,223 --> 00:01:54,823
We had a deal.
46
00:01:54,825 --> 00:01:56,491
Max, she'll come back
to the apartment,
47
00:01:56,493 --> 00:01:58,226
even if she doesn't want to.
48
00:01:58,228 --> 00:02:00,562
I mean, I always do.
49
00:02:00,564 --> 00:02:02,330
I am not surprised
you're not worried.
50
00:02:02,332 --> 00:02:03,498
You never really liked Nancy.
51
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:06,568
You call her "that cat."
52
00:02:06,570 --> 00:02:10,672
As in, "that cat"
peed on my pillow.
53
00:02:10,674 --> 00:02:14,509
While I was sleeping
on it, Max.
54
00:02:14,511 --> 00:02:18,079
Well, blame me.
I got her drunk.
55
00:02:18,081 --> 00:02:21,983
Hey, everybody!
56
00:02:21,985 --> 00:02:26,888
Look, girls,
I got your pussy in my purse.
57
00:02:26,890 --> 00:02:28,890
Either that's a cat, or
you two got to keep better track
58
00:02:28,892 --> 00:02:32,928
of your belongings.
59
00:02:32,930 --> 00:02:34,729
Yay!
60
00:02:34,731 --> 00:02:38,133
That cat's back.
61
00:02:38,135 --> 00:02:39,568
See, Max?
62
00:02:39,570 --> 00:02:41,970
I am excited.
63
00:02:41,972 --> 00:02:44,339
[baby talk]
Oh, I missed you so much.
64
00:02:44,341 --> 00:02:46,575
Oh, yes, I did.
65
00:02:46,577 --> 00:02:49,444
That's not Nancy.
66
00:02:49,446 --> 00:02:50,979
That is a boy.
67
00:02:50,981 --> 00:02:52,847
Well, Max, sorry I don't check
out a cat's junk
68
00:02:52,849 --> 00:02:54,883
the second it comes through
the door.
69
00:02:54,885 --> 00:02:56,718
Yeah, you only look
at the face.
70
00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:59,955
That's the difference between
you and me.
71
00:02:59,957 --> 00:03:02,991
See, look, the name tag says
"Cinnamon."
72
00:03:02,993 --> 00:03:06,194
No wonder that little girl
kept crying and saying,
73
00:03:06,196 --> 00:03:09,197
"Give me Cinnamon,
Give me Cinnamon."
74
00:03:09,199 --> 00:03:11,967
I looked her right in the eye
and I said,
75
00:03:11,969 --> 00:03:16,204
"I don't carry spices
in my purse."
76
00:03:16,206 --> 00:03:18,373
Max, you are completely
overreacting.
77
00:03:18,375 --> 00:03:20,175
- It's just a--
- Oh! Just a what?
78
00:03:20,177 --> 00:03:22,244
Say it!
79
00:03:22,246 --> 00:03:24,145
- It's just a cat.
- [gasps]
80
00:03:24,147 --> 00:03:26,481
You!
81
00:03:26,483 --> 00:03:29,818
Hey, I'm the one who fronted us
that dollar to get her name tag.
82
00:03:29,820 --> 00:03:31,353
Thanks to me, someone's gonna
pick her up,
83
00:03:31,355 --> 00:03:33,588
look at it, and say,
"Oh, you must be lost,
84
00:03:33,590 --> 00:03:35,523
little...cat."
85
00:03:35,525 --> 00:03:37,792
Nancy!
Her name's Nancy!
86
00:03:37,794 --> 00:03:39,127
I know her name!
87
00:03:39,129 --> 00:03:40,929
It got momentarily
pushed out of my head
88
00:03:40,931 --> 00:03:43,832
to make room for those 1,600
cupcake T-shirts
89
00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:45,800
we can't unload or pay for.
90
00:03:45,802 --> 00:03:47,335
You think I don't wake up
screaming
91
00:03:47,337 --> 00:03:50,205
four or five nights a week
about those T-shirts?
92
00:03:50,207 --> 00:03:52,841
But I know our cat's name.
93
00:03:52,843 --> 00:03:55,143
You don't wake up
at night ever.
94
00:03:55,145 --> 00:03:58,613
No, I sleep like a dead baby,
it's my one gift.
95
00:03:58,615 --> 00:03:59,614
[phone rings]
96
00:03:59,616 --> 00:04:01,716
Oh, the phone!
[gasps]
97
00:04:01,718 --> 00:04:03,518
Unknown number.
This could be it!
98
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:08,256
I like my numbers like my condom
expiration dates, unknown.
99
00:04:08,258 --> 00:04:09,224
Hello?
100
00:04:09,226 --> 00:04:11,359
- Yes?
- Who is it, Max?
101
00:04:11,361 --> 00:04:13,428
You have her?
Yay!
102
00:04:13,430 --> 00:04:14,329
Oh, sure, great.
103
00:04:14,331 --> 00:04:15,530
- Thank you.
- He has her?
104
00:04:15,532 --> 00:04:16,598
He has Nancy?
105
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:17,832
Please, too little,
too late.
106
00:04:24,741 --> 00:04:26,741
Max, we're in $10,000 worth
of debt
107
00:04:26,743 --> 00:04:28,510
and you spent money
on new kitty litter?
108
00:04:28,512 --> 00:04:32,447
Relax, I'm going to pee
in it, too.
109
00:04:32,449 --> 00:04:34,249
Well, I guess it beats
that Sprite bottle
110
00:04:34,251 --> 00:04:36,184
you've been using
in your bedroom.
111
00:04:36,186 --> 00:04:37,952
It's just such a long walk
to the bathroom
112
00:04:37,954 --> 00:04:39,354
that every time
I have to go,
113
00:04:39,356 --> 00:04:41,890
it's like
I'm raising money for MS.
114
00:04:41,892 --> 00:04:44,292
Oh, I have good news.
115
00:04:44,294 --> 00:04:48,963
I found your lost bra
in the litter box.
116
00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:49,998
Don't think I'm not still
wearing it.
117
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,433
I mean, why not?
118
00:04:51,435 --> 00:04:54,903
I ate a hot dog that rolled
under a car the other day.
119
00:04:54,905 --> 00:04:56,204
I left a couple
of big clumps in,
120
00:04:56,206 --> 00:04:58,840
just to help you
out a little.
121
00:04:58,842 --> 00:04:59,841
[knock at door]
122
00:04:59,843 --> 00:05:01,343
Oh, okay, that's Nancy.
123
00:05:01,345 --> 00:05:04,746
Here's a chance
for a fresh start for you two.
124
00:05:04,748 --> 00:05:07,082
And don't bring up the bra,
we don't know why she wanted it,
125
00:05:07,084 --> 00:05:09,884
but I'm sure
she had her reasons.
126
00:05:09,886 --> 00:05:11,219
Fine, I'll be
on my best behavior.
127
00:05:11,221 --> 00:05:13,888
But you watch and see
how she treats me.
128
00:05:13,890 --> 00:05:17,692
It's a two-way street.
129
00:05:17,694 --> 00:05:19,027
Hi, I have your cat.
130
00:05:19,029 --> 00:05:21,730
And surprisingly, your doorknob.
131
00:05:21,732 --> 00:05:23,932
Oh, that gum wore out already?
132
00:05:23,934 --> 00:05:26,368
[gasps]
Hi, buddy!
133
00:05:26,370 --> 00:05:28,236
Hi, I'm Caroline.
This is Max.
134
00:05:28,238 --> 00:05:29,838
Thank you so much
for bringing back--
135
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,940
- Nancy!
- I know!
136
00:05:31,942 --> 00:05:34,776
And please note,
she did not even look at me.
137
00:05:34,778 --> 00:05:36,111
Hi. I'm Owen.
138
00:05:36,113 --> 00:05:40,048
Well, we are "Owen" you
a big thank-you.
139
00:05:40,050 --> 00:05:41,750
Kind of low on cash,
how would you feel
140
00:05:41,752 --> 00:05:43,451
about 1,000 cute
cupcake tees?
141
00:05:43,453 --> 00:05:45,353
Yeah, I don't need
1,000 pink T-shirts.
142
00:05:45,355 --> 00:05:49,057
My dad's already mad at me
I don't care about sports.
143
00:05:49,059 --> 00:05:50,792
How do you get
this thing open?
144
00:05:50,794 --> 00:05:52,093
We usually just take Nancy
around
145
00:05:52,095 --> 00:05:54,095
in an old vacuum cleaner bag.
146
00:05:54,097 --> 00:05:57,699
Also doubles as my
"going out" purse.
147
00:05:57,701 --> 00:05:59,934
Pardon me,
may I get past?
148
00:05:59,936 --> 00:06:01,669
Oh, manners.
149
00:06:01,671 --> 00:06:03,004
In our doorway?
150
00:06:03,006 --> 00:06:05,006
I don't know what to do.
151
00:06:05,008 --> 00:06:09,110
What's next, a front stoop with
no discarded heroin needles?
152
00:06:09,112 --> 00:06:10,612
Yeah, I just came up there.
153
00:06:10,614 --> 00:06:13,515
Not today.
154
00:06:13,517 --> 00:06:15,016
Here, let me help.
155
00:06:15,018 --> 00:06:16,818
I mean, I'm the dumb one who
paid $2,000 for a cat carrier.
156
00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:19,254
Hmm.
I miss being that stupid.
157
00:06:19,256 --> 00:06:21,022
You know, my cat
can't get this open either.
158
00:06:21,024 --> 00:06:23,491
It must be the lack of thumbs.
159
00:06:23,493 --> 00:06:26,394
Rich, funny, and in a suit
at 9:00 A.M.?
160
00:06:26,396 --> 00:06:29,097
I really don't know what to do.
161
00:06:29,099 --> 00:06:31,199
You know, my cat, Dickens,
loves your cat.
162
00:06:31,201 --> 00:06:33,768
Oh, Dickens, after the author?
163
00:06:33,770 --> 00:06:36,771
Dickens, after the author,
Max.
164
00:06:36,773 --> 00:06:38,673
Yeah, I know who that is.
165
00:06:38,675 --> 00:06:42,510
The guy who wrote
Muppets Christmas Carol.
166
00:06:42,512 --> 00:06:44,846
There.
I knew I'd get it.
167
00:06:44,848 --> 00:06:47,282
'Cause I have thumbs.
168
00:06:47,284 --> 00:06:49,918
[baby talk]
Oh, there she is.
169
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,219
[cat meows]
- Yes.
170
00:06:51,221 --> 00:06:53,421
So I take it by the cat,
you're single?
171
00:06:57,394 --> 00:06:58,226
Big time.
172
00:06:58,228 --> 00:07:00,929
So, do you and Dickens
live alone?
173
00:07:00,931 --> 00:07:03,164
Oh no, she's trying to flirt.
174
00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:04,666
I travel a lot for work.
175
00:07:04,668 --> 00:07:05,767
I'm a venture capitalist.
176
00:07:05,769 --> 00:07:06,768
So you know how it is.
177
00:07:06,770 --> 00:07:07,836
Oh, I do.
I absolutely do.
178
00:07:07,838 --> 00:07:09,204
- I...
- Here it comes.
179
00:07:09,206 --> 00:07:11,339
- Went to Wharton.
- Boom.
180
00:07:11,341 --> 00:07:12,807
Well, if she gets lost again,
you know where to find her.
181
00:07:12,809 --> 00:07:15,176
She's been hanging around
outside our window
182
00:07:15,178 --> 00:07:16,444
every day for the last couple
of months.
183
00:07:16,446 --> 00:07:18,379
So I let her in.
I hope that's okay.
184
00:07:18,381 --> 00:07:21,316
Is that okay?
It's awesome.
185
00:07:21,318 --> 00:07:23,751
I hope your girlfriend
didn't mind.
186
00:07:23,753 --> 00:07:24,752
We just broke up.
187
00:07:24,754 --> 00:07:25,887
So I'm single.
188
00:07:25,889 --> 00:07:26,988
And I better get going.
189
00:07:26,990 --> 00:07:27,989
I've got a 10:00 meeting.
190
00:07:27,991 --> 00:07:28,990
Max, give the man his case.
191
00:07:28,992 --> 00:07:31,426
He has a 10:00 meeting.
192
00:07:31,428 --> 00:07:33,161
She doesn't want to get out
of cushy this thing.
193
00:07:33,163 --> 00:07:34,596
I totally get it.
194
00:07:34,598 --> 00:07:35,997
I had to be dragged
out of that massage chair
195
00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:38,233
at Brookstone
by mall security.
196
00:07:38,235 --> 00:07:40,001
Well, here's my card,
just give me a call
197
00:07:40,003 --> 00:07:41,402
when you want me
to pick up the case.
198
00:07:41,404 --> 00:07:44,172
You have a card?
199
00:07:44,174 --> 00:07:46,908
A card, a meeting,
a suit, a joke?
200
00:07:46,910 --> 00:07:50,245
Are you the next bachelor?
201
00:07:50,247 --> 00:07:52,280
Well, thank you,
Owen Charles Boyd,
202
00:07:52,282 --> 00:07:54,082
for bringing back
our beloved--
203
00:07:54,084 --> 00:07:55,517
- Her name's Nancy!
- I know her name.
204
00:07:55,519 --> 00:07:58,386
Why do I have to
say it so fast?
205
00:07:58,388 --> 00:08:02,023
She's joking,
she's just not as funny as you.
206
00:08:02,025 --> 00:08:03,525
Well, it was nice to meet you.
207
00:08:03,527 --> 00:08:05,426
Bye, Nancy.
208
00:08:05,428 --> 00:08:06,427
Okay.
209
00:08:12,235 --> 00:08:13,568
Yes, I was flirting.
210
00:08:13,570 --> 00:08:15,270
But I was doing it
for our business.
211
00:08:15,272 --> 00:08:18,373
You should really be doing it
for your business.
212
00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:21,442
'Cause your business
is going out of business.
213
00:08:21,444 --> 00:08:22,443
He has a card.
214
00:08:22,445 --> 00:08:24,913
And it's not
for medical marijuana.
215
00:08:24,915 --> 00:08:26,047
He's a venture capitalist.
216
00:08:26,049 --> 00:08:27,215
That's the kind of fat cat
217
00:08:27,217 --> 00:08:29,117
that can help us get back
on our feet.
218
00:08:29,119 --> 00:08:30,618
Speaking of fat cats,
Nancy's looking like
219
00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:33,922
she might need to give
Jenny a call.
220
00:08:33,924 --> 00:08:35,223
Hey, girls.
221
00:08:35,225 --> 00:08:38,293
Oh, you found Nancy.
222
00:08:38,295 --> 00:08:41,829
I knew she'd come back pregnant.
223
00:08:41,831 --> 00:08:43,565
Wait, Sophie, how can you tell
she's pregnant
224
00:08:43,567 --> 00:08:47,035
and just not fighting the same
battle Jonah Hill is fighting?
225
00:08:47,037 --> 00:08:50,805
Well, her fur is thicker, she's
got a little sparkle in her eye,
226
00:08:50,807 --> 00:08:53,741
and there's a little kitten head
about to pop out of her patoot.
227
00:08:58,615 --> 00:09:01,182
[Nancy meowing]
228
00:09:02,052 --> 00:09:04,719
Come on.
Push, Nancy.
229
00:09:04,721 --> 00:09:06,454
Come on, we all know
what you did.
230
00:09:06,456 --> 00:09:10,358
Now is not the time to be shy.
231
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:12,060
You do know what you're doing,
right, Sophie?
232
00:09:12,062 --> 00:09:13,428
This isn't like the time
you told us
233
00:09:13,430 --> 00:09:16,965
you could do your own bikini wax
with a candle?
234
00:09:16,967 --> 00:09:20,602
'Cause I still have the
vanilla-scented scars from that.
235
00:09:20,604 --> 00:09:22,170
Don't worry.
236
00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:24,906
In my village,
all the Kuchenskis women
237
00:09:24,908 --> 00:09:26,708
acted as animal midwives.
238
00:09:26,710 --> 00:09:29,344
It was the best way
to meet guys.
239
00:09:29,346 --> 00:09:30,878
Strap in, girls.
240
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,881
[Nancy meowing]
- Ah! She's crowning!
241
00:09:33,883 --> 00:09:35,450
I can't believe it.
242
00:09:35,452 --> 00:09:37,685
I thought Nancy
was smarter than this.
243
00:09:37,687 --> 00:09:39,320
But it turns out she's just like
the rest of the women
244
00:09:39,322 --> 00:09:40,488
in my family.
245
00:09:40,490 --> 00:09:44,759
Screwed by some stranger
she met in the dumpster.
246
00:09:44,761 --> 00:09:47,428
Okay, here we go.
247
00:09:47,430 --> 00:09:48,730
[Nancy meowing]
248
00:09:48,732 --> 00:09:53,501
Oh, there goes my ring.
249
00:09:53,503 --> 00:09:56,104
I--sorry, Nancy.
250
00:09:56,106 --> 00:09:57,705
(Sophie)
Oh, here we go!
251
00:09:57,707 --> 00:10:02,377
Come on, girls, I need some
hot water and fresh towels.
252
00:10:02,379 --> 00:10:04,479
We do, too.
For, like, four years.
253
00:10:04,481 --> 00:10:06,214
Uh...
254
00:10:06,216 --> 00:10:07,615
how about some
of these T-shirts?
255
00:10:07,617 --> 00:10:09,384
Oh, sure why not use those?
256
00:10:09,386 --> 00:10:10,918
They used to be our
bright future.
257
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:14,856
Now just a ShamWow
for illegitimate cats.
258
00:10:14,858 --> 00:10:17,358
[Nancy meowing]
259
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,293
Oh, my God,
that must be the sound
260
00:10:19,295 --> 00:10:22,764
of a surrendering
cat uterus.
261
00:10:22,766 --> 00:10:24,098
Well, it's the first time
a uterus has surrendered
262
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:28,503
in that bed in a while.
263
00:10:28,505 --> 00:10:30,538
[kittens meowing]
264
00:10:30,540 --> 00:10:32,306
I don't know why
I'm not throwing up.
265
00:10:32,308 --> 00:10:36,244
Oh, wait.
I'm starting to.
266
00:10:36,246 --> 00:10:37,645
[kittens continue meowing]
267
00:10:37,647 --> 00:10:41,849
Well, I'm off Korean dumplings
for life.
268
00:10:41,851 --> 00:10:44,218
This one--
this one won't come out.
269
00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:47,455
It's like the Queen Latifah
of kittens.
270
00:10:50,627 --> 00:10:55,463
Sophie, I got your text
that you were in bed with Nancy.
271
00:10:55,465 --> 00:10:56,597
Who is this Nancy,
272
00:10:56,599 --> 00:11:00,401
and when did we go back
to doing three-ways?
273
00:11:00,403 --> 00:11:02,704
Nancy's a cat.
274
00:11:02,706 --> 00:11:04,639
Mm, that's a no.
275
00:11:04,641 --> 00:11:07,408
I've got to draw the line
somewhere.
276
00:11:12,982 --> 00:11:15,683
Well, I heard the news.
277
00:11:15,685 --> 00:11:20,221
Looks like you two are
grandmothers before you're 30.
278
00:11:20,223 --> 00:11:24,158
Can't say I'm surprised.
279
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,127
Okay, before you even ask,
280
00:11:26,129 --> 00:11:28,663
I don't pay
for cat maternity leave.
281
00:11:28,665 --> 00:11:31,866
This isn't Google.
282
00:11:31,868 --> 00:11:36,237
This isn't even
Ask Jeeves, Han.
283
00:11:36,239 --> 00:11:39,240
Well, I can help you
get the kittens good homes.
284
00:11:39,242 --> 00:11:41,542
The people in my building
are very nice.
285
00:11:41,544 --> 00:11:45,113
Except if you don't recycle one
bottle of sparkling cider,
286
00:11:45,115 --> 00:11:47,915
then nobody talks to you
in the elevator.
287
00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:50,118
Han, we're not
giving the kittens away.
288
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,986
Nancy landed herself
a rich cat,
289
00:11:51,988 --> 00:11:55,490
we're gonna be living off
a hefty kitty support.
290
00:11:55,492 --> 00:11:57,325
Only you two
would be desperate enough
291
00:11:57,327 --> 00:12:01,229
to try and find a sugar catty.
292
00:12:01,231 --> 00:12:03,064
So has Owen called you
back yet?
293
00:12:03,066 --> 00:12:04,966
Um, we're trading.
294
00:12:04,968 --> 00:12:06,300
"We're trading"?
295
00:12:06,302 --> 00:12:08,169
"We're trading"
is lonely white girl talk
296
00:12:08,171 --> 00:12:10,338
for "he hasn't called me back."
297
00:12:10,340 --> 00:12:12,774
I can't believe this.
He's a deadbeat dad.
298
00:12:12,776 --> 00:12:14,575
Max, he's just busy.
299
00:12:14,577 --> 00:12:16,577
And I think you might
be projecting a little
300
00:12:16,579 --> 00:12:17,745
because of your dad.
301
00:12:17,747 --> 00:12:19,013
Not that I'm a therapist.
302
00:12:19,015 --> 00:12:21,048
I mean,
I can't even afford a couch.
303
00:12:21,050 --> 00:12:22,450
I'm not projecting.
304
00:12:22,452 --> 00:12:26,187
I just know a deadbeat dad
when I don't see one!
305
00:12:26,189 --> 00:12:27,221
Where's his card?
306
00:12:27,223 --> 00:12:28,556
I don't remember where I--
307
00:12:28,558 --> 00:12:31,058
[gasps]
Max, let go! I've got this.
308
00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:32,860
That guy can really help us
with our business.
309
00:12:32,862 --> 00:12:34,729
Please,
let me handle this.
310
00:12:34,731 --> 00:12:35,730
Look, Ryan Gosling.
311
00:12:35,732 --> 00:12:38,166
[gasps]
312
00:12:38,168 --> 00:12:39,300
- I got this.
- I got this.
313
00:12:39,302 --> 00:12:40,635
- I got this.
- I got this.
314
00:12:40,637 --> 00:12:44,939
Keep going, girls,
I'm almost there.
315
00:12:44,941 --> 00:12:46,140
I got this, Max.
316
00:12:46,142 --> 00:12:47,975
And when he comes to get
the cat carrier,
317
00:12:47,977 --> 00:12:49,010
I'll talk to him.
318
00:12:49,012 --> 00:12:50,378
You're way too emotional.
319
00:12:50,380 --> 00:12:52,380
You just went to third base
with my apron.
320
00:12:58,454 --> 00:13:00,121
Sitting on this stoop
is nice.
321
00:13:00,123 --> 00:13:01,989
How come we never
sit out here?
322
00:13:01,991 --> 00:13:03,124
[gunshots ringing]
323
00:13:03,126 --> 00:13:05,626
[woman shrieking]
324
00:13:05,628 --> 00:13:07,595
There it is.
325
00:13:07,597 --> 00:13:09,730
Oh, please,
it's just Rico.
326
00:13:12,802 --> 00:13:16,270
Rico looks good.
I think he got another tattoo.
327
00:13:16,272 --> 00:13:19,173
Look, when Owen gets here,
should we still be alive,
328
00:13:19,175 --> 00:13:20,508
please let me
do the talking.
329
00:13:20,510 --> 00:13:23,211
Kittens aside,
Owen can help us.
330
00:13:23,213 --> 00:13:24,979
A venture capitalist
buys companies
331
00:13:24,981 --> 00:13:26,280
and turns them around.
332
00:13:26,282 --> 00:13:28,616
Yeah, I've seen
Pretty Woman.
333
00:13:28,618 --> 00:13:31,319
That's how I realized
I wasn't charging enough.
334
00:13:31,321 --> 00:13:32,987
Go, Max, here he comes.
335
00:13:32,989 --> 00:13:35,823
All right, but I'll be watching
inside from the window.
336
00:13:35,825 --> 00:13:37,058
It's probably better, because
I don't trust Nancy alone
337
00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:38,359
with those kittens.
338
00:13:38,361 --> 00:13:39,894
She's got some
serious postpartum.
339
00:13:39,896 --> 00:13:42,029
When I left the room,
she was lighting a Menthol 100
340
00:13:42,031 --> 00:13:45,867
with a shaky paw.
341
00:13:45,869 --> 00:13:47,168
Hi.
342
00:13:47,170 --> 00:13:49,370
Crazy we live walking distance
from each other.
343
00:13:49,372 --> 00:13:50,905
We don't.
The Uber driver
344
00:13:50,907 --> 00:13:53,307
wouldn't go past the fire
hydrant on the corner.
345
00:13:53,309 --> 00:13:54,742
The one with the bloody shoe
hanging from it?
346
00:13:54,744 --> 00:13:56,544
That's the one.
347
00:13:56,546 --> 00:13:58,346
[woman screaming]
348
00:13:58,348 --> 00:14:00,514
You know what? I'm just
gonna take the cat carrier.
349
00:14:00,516 --> 00:14:04,318
Before you go...
350
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,254
we have this small cupcake
company
351
00:14:06,256 --> 00:14:07,822
that's just begging
to be an empire,
352
00:14:07,824 --> 00:14:11,092
and I wanted to pick your brain
about some business stuff.
353
00:14:16,466 --> 00:14:19,300
Okay, so your Dickens
got our cat pregnant,
354
00:14:19,302 --> 00:14:21,502
and she just had five kittens.
355
00:14:21,504 --> 00:14:23,537
And at her age, it's a miracle
we didn't have to pay
356
00:14:23,539 --> 00:14:25,139
for in vitro.
357
00:14:25,141 --> 00:14:26,507
How do you know they are
Dickens's?
358
00:14:26,509 --> 00:14:27,975
I'm not saying
that Nancy's easy,
359
00:14:27,977 --> 00:14:29,610
it's just,
I've seen her go in and out
360
00:14:29,612 --> 00:14:32,613
of a lot of windows.
361
00:14:32,615 --> 00:14:35,816
[police sirens blaring
in the distance]
362
00:14:35,818 --> 00:14:37,752
Did he just drop a gun?
363
00:14:37,754 --> 00:14:39,820
It's fine.
He has more.
364
00:14:39,822 --> 00:14:41,455
Okay, call my assistant,
you can pick my brain.
365
00:14:41,457 --> 00:14:45,226
I just don't want it
to be off the sidewalk.
366
00:14:45,228 --> 00:14:46,861
Really, I got to go.
I can't get killed.
367
00:14:46,863 --> 00:14:49,597
I'm wearing new suede loafers.
368
00:14:49,599 --> 00:14:52,199
Uber, an assistant,
and suede loafers?
369
00:14:52,201 --> 00:14:53,467
Are you for real?
370
00:14:58,541 --> 00:14:59,707
I hope I'm not intruding.
371
00:14:59,709 --> 00:15:00,908
No, come in.
372
00:15:00,910 --> 00:15:02,376
I was just brushing
my new loafers.
373
00:15:02,378 --> 00:15:04,745
I bought them as a break-up gift
for myself.
374
00:15:04,747 --> 00:15:08,416
But unlike my ex-girlfriend,
these have a sole.
375
00:15:08,418 --> 00:15:11,252
I didn't wanna mention the cat
situation to your assistant.
376
00:15:11,254 --> 00:15:13,154
Next thing you know,
it's all over the lunch room:
377
00:15:13,156 --> 00:15:16,991
Owen Charles Boyd's cat
is a raw-dogger.
378
00:15:16,993 --> 00:15:19,160
My business partner
stepped on them.
379
00:15:19,162 --> 00:15:20,261
Said it was an accident.
380
00:15:20,263 --> 00:15:21,429
Didn't feel like one.
381
00:15:21,431 --> 00:15:23,331
One shoe yes, but both?
382
00:15:23,333 --> 00:15:25,266
Highly unlikely.
383
00:15:25,268 --> 00:15:28,736
Owen, sometimes in life,
it's not just an innocent cat
384
00:15:28,738 --> 00:15:30,004
that gets screwed.
385
00:15:30,006 --> 00:15:33,140
A girl can get screwed
as well.
386
00:15:33,142 --> 00:15:36,310
Oh, hey, hi.
What's happening?
387
00:15:36,312 --> 00:15:39,780
As in, screwed by one
bad business decision.
388
00:15:39,782 --> 00:15:41,849
My partner, Max, and I
recently invested
389
00:15:41,851 --> 00:15:45,953
all our savings in--
well, here, take a look.
390
00:15:45,955 --> 00:15:47,521
- [gasps]
- Oh, my coffee!
391
00:15:47,523 --> 00:15:48,556
- Oh.
- My loafer!
392
00:15:48,558 --> 00:15:51,292
My coffee's on my loafer!
393
00:15:51,294 --> 00:15:53,094
Here, let me.
394
00:15:53,096 --> 00:15:54,428
No, you dab.
You don't wipe suede.
395
00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:55,596
You dab.
396
00:15:55,598 --> 00:15:57,465
Dab.
Dab. I'm sorry.
397
00:15:57,467 --> 00:15:58,499
I used to know that.
398
00:15:58,501 --> 00:16:00,801
That's Rich 101.
399
00:16:00,803 --> 00:16:02,103
Let me just go find some water
400
00:16:02,105 --> 00:16:05,373
and I'll dab, not wipe,
this out.
401
00:16:05,375 --> 00:16:06,941
We're not done yet.
I'm going back in.
402
00:16:06,943 --> 00:16:07,942
It's going really well though.
403
00:16:07,944 --> 00:16:10,277
Where's water?
404
00:16:10,279 --> 00:16:13,180
Do you know how to unsend
an email?
405
00:16:13,182 --> 00:16:15,783
If I did, my rich ex-boyfriend
would've never found out
406
00:16:15,785 --> 00:16:17,351
what I thought
of his lisp
407
00:16:17,353 --> 00:16:20,588
and I'd be living in the
"thouth of Franth" right now.
408
00:16:20,590 --> 00:16:22,790
[elevator bell dings]
409
00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:24,058
Where is he?
410
00:16:24,060 --> 00:16:26,794
He needs to see
these adorable bastards.
411
00:16:26,796 --> 00:16:28,262
Max, how did you find me here?
412
00:16:28,264 --> 00:16:30,431
I told you I was going
on a "think walk."
413
00:16:30,433 --> 00:16:32,333
I followed you.
414
00:16:32,335 --> 00:16:33,901
I never noticed how much
you check yourself out
415
00:16:33,903 --> 00:16:36,837
in store windows.
You have a problem.
416
00:16:36,839 --> 00:16:38,839
Do either of you know a way
to turn the phrase,
417
00:16:38,841 --> 00:16:43,177
"self-absorbed, ridiculous pig"
into a compliment?
418
00:16:43,179 --> 00:16:46,047
If I did, I'd still be
on The Apprentice.
419
00:16:46,049 --> 00:16:47,448
Owen's going to see that email
420
00:16:47,450 --> 00:16:48,783
and I'm going to get fired.
421
00:16:48,785 --> 00:16:52,053
I have to start paying attention
to details.
422
00:16:52,055 --> 00:16:53,687
I'm just gonna go back in.
423
00:16:53,689 --> 00:16:55,856
What?
I don't care.
424
00:16:55,858 --> 00:16:56,957
Not without me you're not.
425
00:16:56,959 --> 00:16:58,292
Max, please, let me handle this.
426
00:16:58,294 --> 00:16:59,593
I'm begging you.
427
00:16:59,595 --> 00:17:02,930
We're getting close, look,
I'm holding his shoe.
428
00:17:02,932 --> 00:17:04,632
If he doesn't step up here,
429
00:17:04,634 --> 00:17:06,000
these kittens
will feel neglected,
430
00:17:06,002 --> 00:17:07,435
and it is only
a matter of time
431
00:17:07,437 --> 00:17:09,403
till they are waitressing
or worse.
432
00:17:09,405 --> 00:17:10,971
Max, you're wrong.
433
00:17:10,973 --> 00:17:13,741
There's nothing worse
than waitressing.
434
00:17:13,743 --> 00:17:15,042
Max, stop!
435
00:17:15,044 --> 00:17:16,243
You'll ruin everything.
436
00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:17,845
I can fix this and us.
437
00:17:17,847 --> 00:17:20,047
We are beyond help.
438
00:17:20,049 --> 00:17:21,749
It's all about these kittens.
439
00:17:21,751 --> 00:17:23,084
- Now move, I got this.
- No, I got this.
440
00:17:23,086 --> 00:17:24,385
- I got this.
- I got this.
441
00:17:24,387 --> 00:17:26,387
- I--
- [gasps]
442
00:17:26,389 --> 00:17:27,855
Oh, my God.
443
00:17:27,857 --> 00:17:28,856
What the hell
is happening?
444
00:17:28,858 --> 00:17:30,591
[kittens meowing]
445
00:17:30,593 --> 00:17:34,829
That's right. I came to your
office with a basket of cats.
446
00:17:34,831 --> 00:17:36,430
Max, I'm so sorry.
447
00:17:36,432 --> 00:17:39,133
Yeah, well, he's the one
who should be sorry.
448
00:17:39,135 --> 00:17:43,871
I want you to look
these kittens in the whiskers
449
00:17:43,873 --> 00:17:47,041
and tell them that Dickens
is not their father.
450
00:17:47,043 --> 00:17:48,709
What makes you think
they're mine. Why?
451
00:17:48,711 --> 00:17:51,278
Because they look
just like Dickens
452
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,981
when he was a tiny
baby kitten.
453
00:17:53,983 --> 00:17:56,283
Oh, and this one's even cuter.
454
00:17:56,285 --> 00:17:57,418
And that one.
455
00:17:57,420 --> 00:17:59,019
I'll take them all.
456
00:17:59,021 --> 00:18:00,287
But not that one.
Seems a little off.
457
00:18:00,289 --> 00:18:03,023
Not quite as alert
as the others.
458
00:18:03,025 --> 00:18:06,227
Oh, she's not good enough
for you?
459
00:18:06,229 --> 00:18:08,129
- Max. Projecting.
- I'm not projecting.
460
00:18:08,131 --> 00:18:09,396
He said
she's not good enough for him.
461
00:18:09,398 --> 00:18:10,764
What?
462
00:18:10,766 --> 00:18:14,135
Just because she was unplanned
and not good at math?
463
00:18:14,137 --> 00:18:16,704
Developed boobs way too early?
464
00:18:16,706 --> 00:18:18,005
Okay, fine.
I'm projecting.
465
00:18:18,007 --> 00:18:19,240
What is going on?
466
00:18:19,242 --> 00:18:20,574
Caroline, are we gonna hook up
or what?
467
00:18:20,576 --> 00:18:23,310
This is, like the weirdest
foreplay ever.
468
00:18:23,312 --> 00:18:25,946
Hook up? What would make you
think I want to hook up?
469
00:18:25,948 --> 00:18:28,482
Oh, because I
business flirted?
470
00:18:28,484 --> 00:18:29,984
That's Wharton 101.
471
00:18:29,986 --> 00:18:31,819
It was more
than business flirting.
472
00:18:31,821 --> 00:18:33,053
You begged to come to my office,
473
00:18:33,055 --> 00:18:35,523
show up wearing
a see-through shirt.
474
00:18:35,525 --> 00:18:36,657
That was not by choice.
475
00:18:36,659 --> 00:18:38,392
It is cheaply made.
476
00:18:38,394 --> 00:18:40,194
I came here to talk to you
about our business,
477
00:18:40,196 --> 00:18:43,063
and possibly get you to invest
in a small, but spirited--
478
00:18:43,065 --> 00:18:45,900
Invest? This is the financial
capital of the world.
479
00:18:45,902 --> 00:18:47,735
[baby talk]
Yes, it is.
480
00:18:47,737 --> 00:18:50,804
Why would I invest in a
desperate little cupcake shop?
481
00:18:50,806 --> 00:18:54,808
(both)
You!
482
00:18:54,810 --> 00:18:56,010
That's it!
483
00:18:56,012 --> 00:18:57,611
No cats for you.
484
00:18:57,613 --> 00:18:58,846
(Caroline)
You know what?
485
00:18:58,848 --> 00:19:01,282
You are a self-absorbed,
ridiculous pig.
486
00:19:01,284 --> 00:19:02,116
Says you.
487
00:19:02,118 --> 00:19:03,384
And your assistant.
488
00:19:03,386 --> 00:19:06,820
Check your email.
489
00:19:06,822 --> 00:19:08,589
I was able to unsend it.
490
00:19:08,591 --> 00:19:10,724
Yay!
491
00:19:10,726 --> 00:19:15,095
Yeah, might want to re-ignite
that LinkedIn profile.
492
00:19:15,097 --> 00:19:17,131
You're gonna be home a lot more,
you want a cat?
493
00:19:17,133 --> 00:19:18,332
- [gasps]
[kittens meowing]
494
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,439
Thanks for taking the kittens,
Han.
495
00:19:25,441 --> 00:19:26,974
I feel like you have
an understanding
496
00:19:26,976 --> 00:19:30,144
of small creatures,
being one yourself.
497
00:19:30,146 --> 00:19:33,113
Have no fear, my building
is loaded with lesbians.
498
00:19:33,115 --> 00:19:34,415
They take home rescue cats
499
00:19:34,417 --> 00:19:37,318
faster than they take home
other lesbians.
500
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,453
Okay, let's discuss my terms.
501
00:19:39,455 --> 00:19:41,021
Unlike all my
non-animal children,
502
00:19:41,023 --> 00:19:43,324
I want to know
they're taken care of.
503
00:19:43,326 --> 00:19:46,093
What part of lesbian
don't you understand?
504
00:19:46,095 --> 00:19:49,363
They'll be swaddled
in a flannel shirt by nightfall.
505
00:19:49,365 --> 00:19:52,333
Okay, now this one,
I call Junkie.
506
00:19:52,335 --> 00:19:54,868
'Cause he's got a serious
Catnip problem.
507
00:19:54,870 --> 00:19:57,404
Oh, so you raised a drug addict
within a week.
508
00:19:57,406 --> 00:19:58,906
Sounds about right.
509
00:19:58,908 --> 00:20:00,874
These two should try
and stay together.
510
00:20:00,876 --> 00:20:03,611
We call them
Game of Thrones One
511
00:20:03,613 --> 00:20:05,012
and Game of Thrones Two.
512
00:20:05,014 --> 00:20:08,282
'Cause they're siblings
and lovers.
513
00:20:08,284 --> 00:20:09,617
This one's the boy.
514
00:20:09,619 --> 00:20:14,288
Watch him and learn
what humping looks like.
515
00:20:14,290 --> 00:20:16,023
This one's pretty bland.
516
00:20:16,025 --> 00:20:17,725
She lays around,
doesn't meow much,
517
00:20:17,727 --> 00:20:20,728
and when she does,
she's kind of phoning it in.
518
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:22,663
We call her Amy Adams.
519
00:20:22,665 --> 00:20:23,931
Yep.
520
00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:26,333
This last one gets
special attention.
521
00:20:26,335 --> 00:20:28,869
She's the smallest,
but she's got potential.
522
00:20:28,871 --> 00:20:31,372
I mean,
look at those nipples.
523
00:20:31,374 --> 00:20:34,908
And now the nipples
are all I see.
524
00:20:34,910 --> 00:20:35,976
Have a nice life.
525
00:20:35,978 --> 00:20:37,611
I'll find you on Instagram.
526
00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:38,612
Check out Grumpy Cat.
527
00:20:38,614 --> 00:20:39,647
Do what he does.
528
00:20:39,649 --> 00:20:40,948
Well, bye, kitties.
529
00:20:40,950 --> 00:20:44,285
And remember,
stripping isn't dancing.
530
00:20:44,287 --> 00:20:48,489
And now all I can see is them
wearing pasties.
531
00:20:48,491 --> 00:20:49,823
You know what, Max?
532
00:20:49,825 --> 00:20:51,692
We don't need that rich guy
to fix our business.
533
00:20:51,694 --> 00:20:53,560
We can do it ourselves.
534
00:20:53,562 --> 00:20:55,296
Who am I kidding?
Our business is in worse shape
535
00:20:55,298 --> 00:20:58,165
than two retired guys
in a golf cart.
536
00:20:58,167 --> 00:20:59,800
Well, you know
what we'd better fix?
537
00:20:59,802 --> 00:21:01,135
Nancy.
538
00:21:01,137 --> 00:21:02,736
'Cause he was right,
she's a slut.
539
00:21:02,738 --> 00:21:07,041
Someone just found her 69-ing
a tabby in the alley.
540
00:21:07,043 --> 00:21:09,176
[cash register bell dings]