1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,082
Max, guess what Han's doing
at the counter?
2
00:00:07,084 --> 00:00:10,886
Well, I know it's not
towering over it.
3
00:00:10,888 --> 00:00:13,889
He's creating signature drinks
for the diner.
4
00:00:13,891 --> 00:00:18,326
I suggested any household poison
over shaved ice.
5
00:00:18,328 --> 00:00:20,662
Han, this is a stupid idea.
6
00:00:20,664 --> 00:00:21,730
It was Earl's.
7
00:00:21,732 --> 00:00:24,433
Then it's genius.
8
00:00:24,435 --> 00:00:29,604
Yep, I've been drinking
all afternoon for free.
9
00:00:29,606 --> 00:00:32,107
Now, I've used only
top shelf liquor.
10
00:00:32,109 --> 00:00:36,244
Question: Who got it down
for you?
11
00:00:36,246 --> 00:00:39,281
First up: "The Max".
It's just whiskey.
12
00:00:39,283 --> 00:00:43,418
On the rocks, like Max's job.
13
00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:47,355
Whatever mine is,
I want my rim salted.
14
00:00:49,793 --> 00:00:52,761
Of course you do.
15
00:00:52,763 --> 00:00:55,564
Earl's is an Old Fashioned
with everything.
16
00:00:55,566 --> 00:00:57,599
Pour me another me.
17
00:00:57,601 --> 00:01:01,770
I hate to say it,
but I go down easy.
18
00:01:01,772 --> 00:01:05,774
"The Caroline" is Lemon Schnapps
in a slightly frosty glass.
19
00:01:05,776 --> 00:01:08,043
Because of my cool,
Grace Kelly kind of demeanor?
20
00:01:08,045 --> 00:01:09,845
No, because they had a sale
on Lemon Schnapps
21
00:01:09,847 --> 00:01:12,814
at Beverage Barn
22
00:01:12,816 --> 00:01:15,951
Oh, they don't card there?
23
00:01:15,953 --> 00:01:17,886
Okay, so what's "The Han"?
24
00:01:17,888 --> 00:01:20,989
A No Sex on the Beach?
25
00:01:20,991 --> 00:01:23,625
Mine is a classic martini,
shaken.
26
00:01:23,627 --> 00:01:25,827
Oh, like the first woman
who saw you naked.
27
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:31,566
Correction.
28
00:01:31,568 --> 00:01:34,870
Will see you naked.
29
00:01:34,872 --> 00:01:37,572
(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
30
00:01:37,574 --> 00:01:38,907
[cash register bell dings]
31
00:01:38,909 --> 00:01:42,477
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ¶
32
00:01:48,085 --> 00:01:49,751
Max, guess what happened
when you were running
33
00:01:49,753 --> 00:01:52,521
to the bathroom real quick,
for two hours.
34
00:01:52,523 --> 00:01:53,855
You worked the cupcake window
while I went
35
00:01:53,857 --> 00:01:57,092
to see The Statue
of Liberty.
36
00:01:57,094 --> 00:01:59,127
Her head was being
renovated.
37
00:01:59,129 --> 00:02:02,330
Everybody in this town
is getting work done.
38
00:02:02,332 --> 00:02:04,332
I sold our last cupcake tee!
39
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:06,001
We've sold out more than
Robert De Niro
40
00:02:06,003 --> 00:02:09,271
in the last 20 years
of his career.
41
00:02:09,273 --> 00:02:13,642
Well, analyze this, Focker.
42
00:02:13,644 --> 00:02:15,777
I noticed we were running low
last week,
43
00:02:15,779 --> 00:02:18,480
so I ordered more.
44
00:02:18,482 --> 00:02:20,549
How did I not notice
those sooner?
45
00:02:20,551 --> 00:02:22,450
Oh, probably because
the last time I looked in there,
46
00:02:22,452 --> 00:02:26,788
there was a rat having sex
with a cockroach.
47
00:02:26,790 --> 00:02:29,324
You know, they're still dating.
48
00:02:29,326 --> 00:02:32,027
Really? I thought
it was a one time thing.
49
00:02:32,029 --> 00:02:36,798
Well, I guess once you go
rat, you never go back.
50
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,234
Thanks for ordering these,
I've just been so busy
51
00:02:39,236 --> 00:02:40,635
with Sophie's wedding shower.
52
00:02:40,637 --> 00:02:41,836
Yeah, why are you working
so hard?
53
00:02:41,838 --> 00:02:43,338
It's not a big deal.
54
00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:45,574
I threw my mother
a shower once.
55
00:02:45,576 --> 00:02:48,343
No wait, I threw her
in a shower once.
56
00:02:48,345 --> 00:02:50,845
Max, you really need to start
making more of a fuss.
57
00:02:50,847 --> 00:02:52,547
It's for Sophie,
it means a lot to her,
58
00:02:52,549 --> 00:02:54,916
and she has a gun.
59
00:02:54,918 --> 00:02:57,686
Well, showers are stupid
girl things
60
00:02:57,688 --> 00:03:01,723
that this guy
wants no part of.
61
00:03:01,725 --> 00:03:05,126
Hey, girls!
62
00:03:05,128 --> 00:03:08,997
Look. I'm advertising
your cupcake business.
63
00:03:08,999 --> 00:03:12,801
You're advertising something,
but it's not our cupcakes.
64
00:03:12,803 --> 00:03:15,070
I gave out free T-shirts
to our building.
65
00:03:15,072 --> 00:03:17,239
I left one
by everyone's door.
66
00:03:17,241 --> 00:03:19,507
Two at Sophie's,
16 at the Sanchez's.
67
00:03:19,509 --> 00:03:23,078
So about six of the kids
will have to share.
68
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,114
Interesting. Now our shirts
are available at both Rodney,
69
00:03:26,116 --> 00:03:28,016
the high-end Manhattan
boutique,
70
00:03:28,018 --> 00:03:29,751
and an apartment
building that always smells
71
00:03:29,753 --> 00:03:32,787
a little like gasoline.
72
00:03:32,789 --> 00:03:36,358
Well, please stop talking about
things that aren't me.
73
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:41,129
Now girls,
did you get the cake
74
00:03:41,131 --> 00:03:43,365
for my wedding shower
tomorrow?
75
00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:45,634
Oh, was I supposed
to make a cake?
76
00:03:45,636 --> 00:03:47,636
I've literally done
nothing for this shower.
77
00:03:47,638 --> 00:03:51,106
I haven't even taken a bath.
78
00:03:51,108 --> 00:03:53,942
Oh, no, I'm not getting my cake
from here.
79
00:03:53,944 --> 00:03:56,278
No, this is my bridal shower.
80
00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:59,247
Yeah, I want to get something
classic from Baskin Robbins
81
00:03:59,249 --> 00:04:03,084
that's also a Dunkin' Donuts.
82
00:04:03,086 --> 00:04:05,387
They mix those two now?
83
00:04:05,389 --> 00:04:09,190
It's a stoner's dream come true.
84
00:04:09,192 --> 00:04:10,859
I tried to make our apartment
look nice.
85
00:04:10,861 --> 00:04:13,094
I even moved a chair
to cover a stain,
86
00:04:13,096 --> 00:04:15,463
but what was under the chair
was so much worse.
87
00:04:15,465 --> 00:04:19,200
I guess what I'm saying is,
please don't shoot us.
88
00:04:19,202 --> 00:04:22,270
Well, I don't expect it
to look that good.
89
00:04:22,272 --> 00:04:25,774
I mean, you can't put
a silk hat on a pig.
90
00:04:25,776 --> 00:04:29,144
And I know,
'cause I tried once.
91
00:04:37,287 --> 00:04:38,286
[gags]
92
00:04:45,128 --> 00:04:46,127
[gags]
93
00:04:49,566 --> 00:04:52,567
Max! Oh, my God!
What have you done?
94
00:04:52,569 --> 00:04:56,137
I realized I don't like
a strawberry center.
95
00:04:56,139 --> 00:04:59,741
And I am not going to beat
myself up about it.
96
00:04:59,743 --> 00:05:02,177
When I told you
to get crepe paper streamers
97
00:05:02,179 --> 00:05:06,081
and decorate for the shower,
I meant with pink, not black.
98
00:05:06,083 --> 00:05:07,916
It's a wedding shower
for Sophie,
99
00:05:07,918 --> 00:05:11,920
not a baby shower
for Rosemary's Baby.
100
00:05:11,922 --> 00:05:15,023
What? I told you,
I don't do girl things.
101
00:05:15,025 --> 00:05:19,427
Like hang pink
or sit when I pee.
102
00:05:19,429 --> 00:05:25,200
Which, coincidentally,
I refer to as "hanging pink."
103
00:05:25,202 --> 00:05:27,435
My God, what is that smell?
104
00:05:27,437 --> 00:05:29,537
Something's really gone
bad here.
105
00:05:29,539 --> 00:05:32,073
Besides our lives.
106
00:05:32,075 --> 00:05:33,708
It's the Polish food.
107
00:05:33,710 --> 00:05:37,212
I think one of those sausages
is made of old flip-flops.
108
00:05:37,214 --> 00:05:38,213
[knock at door]
109
00:05:38,215 --> 00:05:40,382
Someone's here already?
110
00:05:40,384 --> 00:05:41,916
Are Polish people always early?
111
00:05:41,918 --> 00:05:47,589
Is that a stereotype
I don't know about?
112
00:05:47,591 --> 00:05:52,127
Oh my God!
113
00:05:52,129 --> 00:05:55,296
A wedding shower for me?
114
00:05:55,298 --> 00:06:00,468
I mean, if I had known,
I would have dressed!
115
00:06:00,470 --> 00:06:02,303
Sophie, you did know.
116
00:06:02,305 --> 00:06:05,774
I know. I came down early
to practice some entrances.
117
00:06:05,776 --> 00:06:10,812
Now get ready for entrance
number two.
118
00:06:10,814 --> 00:06:15,517
Are you ever ready
for entrance number two?
119
00:06:15,519 --> 00:06:17,719
[knock at door]
120
00:06:17,721 --> 00:06:21,890
Who is it?
121
00:06:21,892 --> 00:06:24,893
[fakes weeping]
122
00:06:24,895 --> 00:06:27,028
Oh my God!
123
00:06:41,645 --> 00:06:44,245
Now, come on in here
and identify some of this
124
00:06:44,247 --> 00:06:47,582
Polish food so I can know
what I'm not eating tonight.
125
00:06:47,584 --> 00:06:50,084
Oh, no.
I'm not eating at my shower.
126
00:06:50,086 --> 00:06:52,153
I'm pretending
I have an eating disorder
127
00:06:52,155 --> 00:06:57,358
so everyone will think
that I have it all.
128
00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:58,726
I think you're going to be
happy.
129
00:06:58,728 --> 00:07:00,495
I have lots
of fun shower games,
130
00:07:00,497 --> 00:07:03,298
starting with "Who Knows
The Most About Sophie?"
131
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:06,100
Oh, I'll win that one.
132
00:07:06,102 --> 00:07:07,135
Yeah.
133
00:07:07,137 --> 00:07:08,970
And Sophie's got to tinkle.
134
00:07:08,972 --> 00:07:11,906
See?
I'm a shoo-in.
135
00:07:11,908 --> 00:07:15,677
Yeah.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.
136
00:07:15,679 --> 00:07:17,979
Black toilet paper.
137
00:07:17,981 --> 00:07:20,815
Oh, nice touch, girls.
138
00:07:20,817 --> 00:07:25,286
Yeah, I love the mystery
of not knowing when you're done.
139
00:07:29,593 --> 00:07:30,758
[knock at door]
140
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,327
(Agent Drake)
FBI! Open up!
141
00:07:32,329 --> 00:07:35,430
The FBI?
I don't think they RSVP'd.
142
00:07:35,432 --> 00:07:39,300
Oh, that's got to be for me.
143
00:07:39,302 --> 00:07:41,202
I didn't do it.
144
00:07:41,204 --> 00:07:44,005
And just so you know,
the statute of limitations is up
145
00:07:44,007 --> 00:07:46,674
on that Newark thing.
146
00:07:46,676 --> 00:07:48,276
I'm not here to arrest you,
miss.
147
00:07:48,278 --> 00:07:49,811
Great, it's me.
148
00:07:49,813 --> 00:07:52,714
Max, I told you pirating movies
was a real crime.
149
00:07:52,716 --> 00:07:57,218
Now I'm going to jail
for Fifty Shades Of Grey.
150
00:07:57,220 --> 00:08:00,355
Someone should.
151
00:08:00,357 --> 00:08:02,090
I hear you,
not the Christian Grey
152
00:08:02,092 --> 00:08:06,761
I'd pictured.
153
00:08:06,763 --> 00:08:08,563
I'm Agent Drake with the FBI.
154
00:08:08,565 --> 00:08:10,798
Nothing to get upset about, but
there's a man in your building
155
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:11,966
who's been holding
three women hostage
156
00:08:11,968 --> 00:08:13,868
in his apartment for months.
157
00:08:13,870 --> 00:08:16,804
Yeah, that sounds about right.
158
00:08:16,806 --> 00:08:18,473
Now, one of the captives
escaped today
159
00:08:18,475 --> 00:08:20,208
and alerted authorities.
160
00:08:20,210 --> 00:08:21,376
Oh, that must have been
the lady I passed
161
00:08:21,378 --> 00:08:24,712
screaming in the hall.
162
00:08:24,714 --> 00:08:26,581
What? There is a fine line
between "hostage"
163
00:08:26,583 --> 00:08:30,151
and "off your meds"
in this building.
164
00:08:30,153 --> 00:08:31,286
So, a SWAT team
is going in
165
00:08:31,288 --> 00:08:32,620
for the other two
still upstairs.
166
00:08:32,622 --> 00:08:33,721
But we need to evacuate
the building first.
167
00:08:33,723 --> 00:08:35,256
So let's go.
168
00:08:35,258 --> 00:08:38,393
All right, can I just put
a few things away first.
169
00:08:38,395 --> 00:08:40,595
You know, because I want
the place to look nice
170
00:08:40,597 --> 00:08:43,498
if there's going to be
police in here.
171
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,133
Look, miss, whatever drugs
you're hiding in here,
172
00:08:45,135 --> 00:08:46,267
I couldn't care less.
173
00:08:46,269 --> 00:08:48,236
We need to get out now.
174
00:08:48,238 --> 00:08:51,139
You know,
you're just my type of guy.
175
00:08:51,141 --> 00:08:55,109
You don't mind my drug use
and you're already here.
176
00:08:59,215 --> 00:09:03,484
Oh, yeah!
177
00:09:03,486 --> 00:09:09,090
You girls ordered a cop stripper
for my bridal shower?
178
00:09:09,092 --> 00:09:12,694
Oh, here comes
the bride all right! Yeah!
179
00:09:12,696 --> 00:09:15,663
Come on.
Yeah.
180
00:09:15,665 --> 00:09:19,467
Yeah, see?
Look, he likes me.
181
00:09:23,206 --> 00:09:24,806
I cannot believe
I live in this building
182
00:09:24,808 --> 00:09:27,475
with a man who would do
something so awful.
183
00:09:27,477 --> 00:09:30,812
Also, cannot believe
I live in this building.
184
00:09:30,814 --> 00:09:32,480
You know who I think it is?
185
00:09:32,482 --> 00:09:35,483
Smells Like Cats
But Has No Cats.
186
00:09:35,485 --> 00:09:38,987
Really? He doesn't seem
like a go-getter.
187
00:09:38,989 --> 00:09:42,890
I think it's Three Nipples
No Nose.
188
00:09:42,892 --> 00:09:46,995
Three Nipples No Nose?
He's a delight.
189
00:09:46,997 --> 00:09:49,263
Sophie, isn't this upsetting?
190
00:09:49,265 --> 00:09:50,999
It sure is.
191
00:09:51,001 --> 00:09:55,069
I couldn't get that stripper cop
to take his pants off.
192
00:09:55,071 --> 00:09:58,973
Hey, look, there's some
of my shower guests.
193
00:09:58,975 --> 00:10:00,808
Oh, look.
194
00:10:00,810 --> 00:10:02,343
And see?
That one's my friend Natalya.
195
00:10:02,345 --> 00:10:03,911
The one I told you about.
196
00:10:03,913 --> 00:10:06,347
Yeah, there's all that
extra skin.
197
00:10:06,349 --> 00:10:09,150
Ew.
You were not exaggerating.
198
00:10:09,152 --> 00:10:11,285
She was born
with all that skin.
199
00:10:11,287 --> 00:10:13,121
She had a chip clip
on her back
200
00:10:13,123 --> 00:10:17,659
all through high school.
201
00:10:17,661 --> 00:10:20,495
Yeah, I know that guy upstairs
is a real bummer,
202
00:10:20,497 --> 00:10:22,997
but you know what would help?
203
00:10:22,999 --> 00:10:25,800
If I could open my presents.
204
00:10:25,802 --> 00:10:27,535
Yeah.
205
00:10:27,537 --> 00:10:29,437
(Sophie)
Oh, no!
206
00:10:29,439 --> 00:10:31,339
The fuzz isn't letting them
through!
207
00:10:31,341 --> 00:10:32,940
Oh, come on.
208
00:10:32,942 --> 00:10:36,044
No fair, they just let a guy
in here a few minutes ago.
209
00:10:36,046 --> 00:10:38,312
Just 'cause your friends
aren't bomb-sniffing dogs,
210
00:10:38,314 --> 00:10:41,616
they can't get in?
Boo!
211
00:10:41,618 --> 00:10:45,887
Hey, look, ladies, pass
your presents up to the cops.
212
00:10:45,889 --> 00:10:49,624
Cops, pass my presents to me.
213
00:10:49,626 --> 00:10:51,392
Wait, Sophie,
before you open them,
214
00:10:51,394 --> 00:10:53,361
I really want to write down
who got you what.
215
00:10:53,363 --> 00:10:57,198
And save that pretty ribbon,
I'm gonna make you a bow hat!
216
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,399
Look at you.
217
00:10:58,401 --> 00:11:00,935
Making lemonade
out of a maniac
218
00:11:00,937 --> 00:11:03,471
holding three innocent women
hostage.
219
00:11:03,473 --> 00:11:05,273
(Sophie)
Oh, a gift card.
220
00:11:05,275 --> 00:11:08,476
Oh, send it back.
221
00:11:08,478 --> 00:11:10,078
Sophie, we would've taken that.
222
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,546
I don't know what is was for,
223
00:11:11,548 --> 00:11:13,448
I just know that we would've
taken it.
224
00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:15,149
No, I'm sending it back.
225
00:11:15,151 --> 00:11:17,885
I want a gift,
not another errand.
226
00:11:17,887 --> 00:11:21,956
Oh, yeah, not in love
with the paper, but...
227
00:11:21,958 --> 00:11:25,727
well, I'll wait till
I open it to judge.
228
00:11:25,729 --> 00:11:27,228
(Maria)
Hi.
Excuse me.
229
00:11:27,230 --> 00:11:28,463
Excuse me?
230
00:11:28,465 --> 00:11:31,232
I'm Maria Alonso-Gonzalez.
231
00:11:31,234 --> 00:11:32,667
Could you ladies talk
to Channel 2
232
00:11:32,669 --> 00:11:34,736
about tonight's disturbing
discovery?
233
00:11:34,738 --> 00:11:36,104
- No.
- Yes.
234
00:11:36,106 --> 00:11:38,239
Just go with me
and my business savvy.
235
00:11:38,241 --> 00:11:41,676
Yes, Maria Alonso-Gonzalez,
we can answer a few questions.
236
00:11:41,678 --> 00:11:44,345
Were there any signs at all
that something of this nature
237
00:11:44,347 --> 00:11:46,347
was going on in your building?
238
00:11:46,349 --> 00:11:48,116
We jut hope they bring
this sick freak
239
00:11:48,118 --> 00:11:50,918
in our building to justice
so that we can return to work
240
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,921
at Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
241
00:11:53,923 --> 00:11:55,723
(Maria)
Get on the door.
Here he comes.
242
00:11:55,725 --> 00:11:58,092
Who is it?
Who is this sick freak?
243
00:12:02,999 --> 00:12:05,032
It's not me.
244
00:12:05,034 --> 00:12:07,502
Is it?
245
00:12:07,504 --> 00:12:11,706
I'm not sure,
what are the charges?
246
00:12:11,708 --> 00:12:13,941
Different sick freak.
247
00:12:13,943 --> 00:12:17,612
Hey, Rula, Uma, Greta, look.
248
00:12:17,614 --> 00:12:18,913
(Sophie)
This is him.
249
00:12:18,915 --> 00:12:22,550
This is the groom-to-be.
250
00:12:22,552 --> 00:12:24,519
Forget about the guy upstairs,
251
00:12:24,521 --> 00:12:29,357
this is the real maniac
in the bedroom.
252
00:12:29,359 --> 00:12:31,058
[gasping]
253
00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:32,693
That's him?
254
00:12:32,695 --> 00:12:35,296
Beer Belly Gym Shorts?
255
00:12:35,298 --> 00:12:37,031
- Never would've guessed.
- Oh, no.
256
00:12:37,033 --> 00:12:39,467
(Caroline)
He's wearing one of our shirts.
257
00:12:39,469 --> 00:12:40,735
Why?
258
00:12:40,737 --> 00:12:43,805
Why? Why is he wearing
a medium?
259
00:12:48,745 --> 00:12:51,312
Oh...
260
00:12:51,314 --> 00:12:52,814
I mean, nobody's gonna see that.
261
00:12:59,389 --> 00:13:01,322
(Maria)
Police have just apprehended
the suspect
262
00:13:01,324 --> 00:13:04,392
and the question on
everyone's mind is,
263
00:13:04,394 --> 00:13:06,727
"What does Max's Homemade
Cupcakes
264
00:13:06,729 --> 00:13:10,998
have to do with this?"
265
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,667
We have no comment.
266
00:13:12,669 --> 00:13:16,137
Or future, or deodorant.
267
00:13:16,139 --> 00:13:18,739
So leave us alone!
268
00:13:18,741 --> 00:13:20,341
How did they find out we work
in this dump,
269
00:13:20,343 --> 00:13:21,809
next door to the other dump?
270
00:13:21,811 --> 00:13:23,177
As I'm saying it,
I realize our career
271
00:13:23,179 --> 00:13:25,813
is made up of two dumps.
272
00:13:25,815 --> 00:13:28,549
Sounds like our career has been
drinking too much coffee.
273
00:13:28,551 --> 00:13:31,752
The story is all over the paper.
274
00:13:31,754 --> 00:13:34,722
They're calling those ladies
"The Cupcake Captives,"
275
00:13:34,724 --> 00:13:36,757
calling that guy
"The Cupcake Captor,"
276
00:13:36,759 --> 00:13:40,728
and calling the whole thing
"The Cupcake Catastrophe."
277
00:13:40,730 --> 00:13:42,763
But you needn't worry about it
reflecting badly
278
00:13:42,765 --> 00:13:45,333
on your cupcake business.
279
00:13:45,335 --> 00:13:48,769
Oh, no. It's even
in the fashion section.
280
00:13:48,771 --> 00:13:51,272
There's a picture
of our shirts and it says,
281
00:13:51,274 --> 00:13:55,810
"What not to wear, ever."
282
00:13:55,812 --> 00:13:58,112
Okay. Everybody calm down.
283
00:13:58,114 --> 00:14:00,448
I'm mostly talking to myself.
284
00:14:00,450 --> 00:14:02,583
The media is just going
to do its thing.
285
00:14:02,585 --> 00:14:04,785
I've been slandered
in the headlines before.
286
00:14:04,787 --> 00:14:08,522
I was called "Ponzi Princess,"
"Bankrupt Barbie."
287
00:14:08,524 --> 00:14:11,826
Looking back,
those were the best of times.
288
00:14:11,828 --> 00:14:14,428
Oh, hello.
I was just about to take a tray
289
00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:17,265
of Max and Carolines
out to my reporter friends.
290
00:14:17,267 --> 00:14:20,167
Sorry, you can give those
Max and Carolines
291
00:14:20,169 --> 00:14:23,537
to this Max and Caroline.
292
00:14:23,539 --> 00:14:25,840
Hi, everybody.
293
00:14:25,842 --> 00:14:27,808
Oh, I'm depressed.
294
00:14:27,810 --> 00:14:32,380
See, you can tell 'cause
I'm only wearing half my hair.
295
00:14:32,382 --> 00:14:35,449
Girls, I found this box
outside your door.
296
00:14:35,451 --> 00:14:38,352
And I was hoping
it was a shower present.
297
00:14:38,354 --> 00:14:43,658
Since those selfish hostage
girls ruined my special day.
298
00:14:43,660 --> 00:14:47,662
Oh, man. I didn't
even get a freakin' ribbon hat.
299
00:14:47,664 --> 00:14:50,865
Do you want the tube top
I made out of the police tape?
300
00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:53,234
I'm calling it a tape top.
301
00:14:53,236 --> 00:14:55,369
Patent pending.
302
00:14:55,371 --> 00:14:56,570
Come on, you guys.
303
00:14:56,572 --> 00:14:57,972
This isn't about us.
304
00:14:57,974 --> 00:14:59,774
We need to put this
all in perspective.
305
00:14:59,776 --> 00:15:02,243
We're all safe,
and healthy, and--
306
00:15:02,245 --> 00:15:04,378
Oh, my God, just when
I can't take anymore,
307
00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:06,714
here comes anymore.
308
00:15:06,716 --> 00:15:09,617
"We are returning the remainder
of your t-shirt stock.
309
00:15:09,619 --> 00:15:12,253
"Our Rodney brand cannot be
associated with a product
310
00:15:12,255 --> 00:15:15,556
"at the center of an ongoing
criminal investigation.
311
00:15:15,558 --> 00:15:18,092
Consider our contract
null and void."
312
00:15:18,094 --> 00:15:20,594
This is so shocking.
313
00:15:20,596 --> 00:15:24,098
Max, you can read?
314
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:29,770
So you just didn't want to tell
people the specials.
315
00:15:29,772 --> 00:15:31,172
I can't believe this.
316
00:15:31,174 --> 00:15:32,807
We waited so long
for something to happen
317
00:15:32,809 --> 00:15:34,475
to our cupcake t-shirts.
318
00:15:34,477 --> 00:15:35,910
Why that guy?
319
00:15:35,912 --> 00:15:37,111
And on the one day
he chooses to not wear
320
00:15:37,113 --> 00:15:39,780
his "Pull my finger" shirt.
321
00:15:39,782 --> 00:15:42,583
(Maria)
This is Maria Alonso-Gonzalez,
reporting to you live...
322
00:15:42,585 --> 00:15:44,151
Max, what are you doing?
They'll see us.
323
00:15:44,153 --> 00:15:45,653
- from Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
- No they won't,
324
00:15:45,655 --> 00:15:48,923
Because call the cameras
are on Han right now.
325
00:15:48,925 --> 00:15:50,624
Can you talk a little bit
about the women
326
00:15:50,626 --> 00:15:53,461
behind
Max's Homemade Cupcakes?
327
00:15:53,463 --> 00:15:55,997
Well, let's just say
Max and Caroline
328
00:15:55,999 --> 00:15:58,499
are allergic to work,
much in the same way
329
00:15:58,501 --> 00:16:00,401
Dilbert is allergic
to Mondays.
330
00:16:00,403 --> 00:16:03,204
[laughs]
331
00:16:03,206 --> 00:16:05,539
Moving on,
Maria Alonso-Gonzalez,
332
00:16:05,541 --> 00:16:07,375
would you care to come into
The Williamsburg Diner,
333
00:16:07,377 --> 00:16:09,910
6355 Bedford Avenue,
334
00:16:09,912 --> 00:16:11,712
open 8:00 A.M. till 2:00 A.M.,
335
00:16:11,714 --> 00:16:15,383
for our signature drink:
The Cupcake Captive Cosmo?
336
00:16:15,385 --> 00:16:19,587
And for you gents,
The Captive Cape Cod?
337
00:16:22,058 --> 00:16:23,557
Hey, get these cupcakes
out of the garbage.
338
00:16:23,559 --> 00:16:26,594
I need to make room
for Han's body.
339
00:16:26,596 --> 00:16:30,164
I'm keeping the head as a
warning to others who cross us.
340
00:16:30,166 --> 00:16:31,899
We need to take back
our t-shirts' image
341
00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:33,768
by setting up an interview
with the news.
342
00:16:33,770 --> 00:16:35,903
And by "we," I mean you.
343
00:16:35,905 --> 00:16:40,041
Look, if I learned one thing
from my time on Cops,
344
00:16:40,043 --> 00:16:43,010
it's that I can hop a fence
in three seconds flat.
345
00:16:43,012 --> 00:16:45,212
If I learned two things,
it's that the camera
346
00:16:45,214 --> 00:16:47,348
makes me look guilty.
347
00:16:47,350 --> 00:16:50,751
Especially when it's a security
camera at Banana Republic.
348
00:16:50,753 --> 00:16:52,119
I can't do it.
349
00:16:52,121 --> 00:16:53,554
The world can't know
that Caroline Channing
350
00:16:53,556 --> 00:16:56,357
is involved in another
high-profile crime.
351
00:16:56,359 --> 00:16:59,126
And hasn't kept up her nail
maintenance, like, at all.
352
00:16:59,128 --> 00:17:00,628
Fine.
353
00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:03,697
Because if I learned
three things from Cops,
354
00:17:03,699 --> 00:17:06,467
it's that it's best to surrender
early and not naked.
355
00:17:11,874 --> 00:17:13,707
We really appreciate you
taking the time to talk to us.
356
00:17:13,709 --> 00:17:15,276
If you really
want to thank me,
357
00:17:15,278 --> 00:17:18,279
how about I get some pixels
up over my grill?
358
00:17:18,281 --> 00:17:22,049
I got some kids looking for me
and they don't need the help.
359
00:17:22,051 --> 00:17:24,218
We don't have the capability
to do that.
360
00:17:24,220 --> 00:17:25,853
This is live TV.
361
00:17:25,855 --> 00:17:28,823
How about one of those
voice distorting machines?
362
00:17:28,825 --> 00:17:32,226
You know, make my voice sound
like a fat Transformer.
363
00:17:32,228 --> 00:17:35,162
Um, no.
364
00:17:35,164 --> 00:17:36,564
No problem.
365
00:17:36,566 --> 00:17:38,466
I'll take care of that myself.
366
00:17:38,468 --> 00:17:42,002
Been in this sitch before.
367
00:17:42,004 --> 00:17:44,305
All right, in 3, 2...
368
00:17:44,307 --> 00:17:45,906
Good evening.
In Williamsburg...
369
00:17:45,908 --> 00:17:47,408
Max, I'm right here,
if you need me.
370
00:17:47,410 --> 00:17:49,143
I got this.
371
00:17:49,145 --> 00:17:50,544
Now infamous in the shocking
"Cupcake Captives" story.
372
00:17:50,546 --> 00:17:54,715
I'm here with the owner,
Max Black.
373
00:17:54,717 --> 00:17:59,553
[distorted]
Hi, Maria.
374
00:17:59,555 --> 00:18:02,490
Max, how upset were you to see
that Richard Griffin
375
00:18:02,492 --> 00:18:05,326
was Max's Homemade Cupcakes'
biggest fan?
376
00:18:05,328 --> 00:18:07,328
[distorted]
I was really upset.
377
00:18:07,330 --> 00:18:09,463
Okay, hi.
Stepping in.
378
00:18:09,465 --> 00:18:11,332
Max is clearly so upset
by all this
379
00:18:11,334 --> 00:18:13,434
that she's lost her mind.
380
00:18:13,436 --> 00:18:15,936
The one time
I really needed her, anyway.
381
00:18:15,938 --> 00:18:17,304
Hi, Maria.
382
00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:19,740
How will your company's
reputation recover
383
00:18:19,742 --> 00:18:21,475
from doing business
with a man
384
00:18:21,477 --> 00:18:24,812
who held three women in his
apartment against their will?
385
00:18:24,814 --> 00:18:27,014
Look, people
do terrible things.
386
00:18:27,016 --> 00:18:30,184
And they do them
wearing shirts.
387
00:18:30,186 --> 00:18:31,685
That doesn't make
the shirt evil.
388
00:18:31,687 --> 00:18:33,921
Now, if a shirt
commits a crime, lock it up.
389
00:18:33,923 --> 00:18:36,023
You'll get
no argument from me.
390
00:18:36,025 --> 00:18:41,095
[distorted]
Should I jump back in?
391
00:18:41,097 --> 00:18:43,330
Okay, yeah.
That's all the time we have.
392
00:18:43,332 --> 00:18:44,365
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
393
00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:45,366
[distorted]
Thank you.
394
00:18:51,140 --> 00:18:54,775
Caroline, thank you
for trying to throw me a shower.
395
00:18:54,777 --> 00:18:58,345
I mean, we were
never really friends or close.
396
00:18:58,347 --> 00:19:00,748
And yeah, I run away when
I see you heading towards
397
00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:02,583
the mailboxes the same time
as me--
398
00:19:02,585 --> 00:19:05,586
Please stop thanking me.
399
00:19:05,588 --> 00:19:07,621
Hey. Want to come
to our place?
400
00:19:07,623 --> 00:19:09,757
Those pig feet
haven't gone bad.
401
00:19:09,759 --> 00:19:11,759
I guess.
It's hard to tell.
402
00:19:11,761 --> 00:19:17,064
Yeah. The best meat's
under the toe nails.
403
00:19:17,066 --> 00:19:18,065
Is it?
404
00:19:23,439 --> 00:19:26,407
(all)
Surprise.
405
00:19:26,409 --> 00:19:28,475
[shouting]
406
00:19:28,477 --> 00:19:30,277
Oh, my God, what's all this?
407
00:19:30,279 --> 00:19:31,612
Oh, no.
I'm so surprised.
408
00:19:31,614 --> 00:19:34,114
No, I really am this time.
409
00:19:34,116 --> 00:19:36,483
- So am I.
- Me, too.
410
00:19:36,485 --> 00:19:38,052
Until this sausage,
I thought the grossest thing
411
00:19:38,054 --> 00:19:39,987
I'd ever eaten was kale.
412
00:19:39,989 --> 00:19:41,889
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
413
00:19:41,891 --> 00:19:44,825
Could anything be
more wonderful?
414
00:19:44,827 --> 00:19:47,261
[laughs]
415
00:19:47,263 --> 00:19:50,064
Max, I can't believe
you did all this.
416
00:19:50,066 --> 00:19:51,465
I thought you came home
to do what you usually do
417
00:19:51,467 --> 00:19:53,067
when you get depressed.
418
00:19:53,069 --> 00:19:56,437
Get drunk and throw the finger
at people from the stoop.
419
00:19:56,439 --> 00:19:58,739
No stoop.
But I am drunk.
420
00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:00,641
You think I could've
done this sober?
421
00:20:00,643 --> 00:20:03,510
I just figured, with everything
around us being so black lately,
422
00:20:03,512 --> 00:20:05,446
I thought we needed
a little pink.
423
00:20:05,448 --> 00:20:06,680
You're right. We did.
424
00:20:06,682 --> 00:20:08,349
'Cause our t-shirt business
is over.
425
00:20:08,351 --> 00:20:11,752
And we still have to pay off
that bank loan. Now what?
426
00:20:11,754 --> 00:20:14,488
We'll figure something out.
We always do.
427
00:20:14,490 --> 00:20:16,323
Hey, girls, come quick.
428
00:20:16,325 --> 00:20:19,026
We're gonna play "Guess Sophie's
Favorite Sex Position"
429
00:20:19,028 --> 00:20:21,962
(all)
Whoo!
430
00:20:21,964 --> 00:20:25,933
It's on all fours, watching
How To Get Away With Murder.
431
00:20:25,935 --> 00:20:28,669
See?
I told you I was gonna win.
432
00:20:32,108 --> 00:20:34,108
And it just got black again.
433
00:20:34,110 --> 00:20:36,110
Yeah, real black.
434
00:20:36,112 --> 00:20:37,845
This is wet!
435
00:20:37,847 --> 00:20:39,346
Max, did you already eat this?
436
00:20:39,348 --> 00:20:42,116
I told you, I don't like
a strawberry center.
437
00:20:42,118 --> 00:20:44,618
And I am not gonna
beat myself up about it.