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00:00:01,745 --> 00:00:06,848
Welcome to the Williamsburg
Diner Awards Night!
2
00:00:06,850 --> 00:00:10,752
And here's your host,
Neil Patrick Hairless!
3
00:00:10,754 --> 00:00:13,255
This is the night
where everyone is recognized
4
00:00:13,257 --> 00:00:16,258
for their, well...
let's call it work.
5
00:00:16,260 --> 00:00:17,993
Nice suit, Han.
6
00:00:17,995 --> 00:00:20,529
I loved you in The Penguins
of Madagascar.
7
00:00:20,531 --> 00:00:23,031
Here we go.
The award for
8
00:00:23,033 --> 00:00:25,934
Worst Excuse for Being
Late to Work goes to...
9
00:00:25,936 --> 00:00:29,838
Earl, for:
"I died."
10
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,339
It was true.
11
00:00:31,341 --> 00:00:35,444
I was dead
for a full 60 seconds.
12
00:00:35,446 --> 00:00:37,913
And the Foreign Film Award
goes to...
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00:00:37,915 --> 00:00:41,883
Oleg, for always being
covered in a foreign film.
14
00:00:41,885 --> 00:00:45,220
Yeah. I have so many
bacteria to thank...
15
00:00:45,222 --> 00:00:48,957
but a special shout-out
to streptococcus!
16
00:00:48,959 --> 00:00:51,860
And the winner for Best Lie
Told to Get a Bigger Tip
17
00:00:51,862 --> 00:00:53,128
goes to...
18
00:00:53,130 --> 00:00:54,796
Good luck, girl.
19
00:00:54,798 --> 00:00:57,566
It's an honor to share
this category with you.
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00:00:57,568 --> 00:01:00,769
It's Max...
for showing customers pictures
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00:01:00,771 --> 00:01:03,872
of her three small children
on a regular basis.
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00:01:03,874 --> 00:01:05,774
Wow. Oh!
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00:01:05,776 --> 00:01:08,343
This award is dedicated
to the lights of my life--
24
00:01:08,345 --> 00:01:10,345
Maxine, Max Jr.,
25
00:01:10,347 --> 00:01:13,115
and Maxi-Pad.
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I know only one of you
can see and hear me,
27
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so please tell the others
I...love...you.
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And the award for
Best Waitress goes to...
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It better not!
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Caroline!
- No!
31
00:01:31,668 --> 00:01:34,069
Well, I guess it's true--
women only win awards
32
00:01:34,071 --> 00:01:37,038
when they take on roles
that are humiliating.
33
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And the Best Animated Short
goes to Han Lee!
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00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,319
(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
35
00:01:51,321 --> 00:01:53,088
[cash register bell dings]
36
00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:57,259
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ¶
37
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Here's your menu.
38
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I'll be right back
with your water
39
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and a stomach pump.
40
00:02:06,236 --> 00:02:08,403
Keep it.
I know what I want.
41
00:02:08,405 --> 00:02:09,905
Me too.
But it just seems like
42
00:02:09,907 --> 00:02:13,241
Taylor Swift
is never going away.
43
00:02:15,646 --> 00:02:19,080
You're funny. Yeah.
I'm not in the mood for funny.
44
00:02:20,584 --> 00:02:23,351
I will take tomato soup,
house salad,
45
00:02:23,353 --> 00:02:27,189
extra croutons.
And you can charge me extra...
46
00:02:27,191 --> 00:02:29,858
if you have no heart
behind those gazongas.
47
00:02:31,195 --> 00:02:32,928
It's cool.
The guy at the counter
48
00:02:32,930 --> 00:02:35,530
has no teeth,
so you can have his.
49
00:02:35,532 --> 00:02:38,667
Less funny--more salad.
Right?
50
00:02:38,669 --> 00:02:41,369
Maybe the blonde one
should bring it.
51
00:02:41,371 --> 00:02:43,205
Oh, you want her
to bring it?
52
00:02:43,207 --> 00:02:45,607
Maybe clear your calendar.
53
00:02:45,609 --> 00:02:47,943
Uh, the lady in the booth
doesn't like my attitude
54
00:02:47,945 --> 00:02:50,478
and wants you,
so I guess what I'm saying is
55
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,781
I still got it!
56
00:02:52,783 --> 00:02:56,384
Wait, a customer asked for me
and didn't follow it with,
57
00:02:56,386 --> 00:02:58,486
"I'd also like to see
the manager"?
58
00:02:58,488 --> 00:02:59,955
That's a first for me!
59
00:02:59,957 --> 00:03:02,057
Yo, blondie!
60
00:03:02,059 --> 00:03:03,291
Croutons!
61
00:03:04,294 --> 00:03:05,527
[ding ding]
62
00:03:05,529 --> 00:03:07,696
Pick up.
Tomato soup, house salad.
63
00:03:07,698 --> 00:03:11,600
And I'm also running
a special on D batteries.
64
00:03:11,602 --> 00:03:13,568
Buy both, and I'll thrown in
this bootleg copy
65
00:03:13,570 --> 00:03:15,937
of Horrible Bosses II.
66
00:03:17,374 --> 00:03:20,208
Here comes
Horrible Bosses Too Small.
67
00:03:21,712 --> 00:03:25,080
Need some new batteries
to keep walking and talking?
68
00:03:25,082 --> 00:03:29,584
No, Max, I'm not powered
by double Ds like you.
69
00:03:35,626 --> 00:03:38,393
Preach.
70
00:03:38,395 --> 00:03:40,829
Don't buy batteries
from that guy
71
00:03:40,831 --> 00:03:44,065
unless you want your heart
to stop on the bus.
72
00:03:46,336 --> 00:03:48,903
Oleg, this is supposed
to have extra croutons.
73
00:03:48,905 --> 00:03:50,171
It's for my regular.
74
00:03:50,173 --> 00:03:52,741
Yeah, you heard me.
It happened.
75
00:03:52,743 --> 00:03:55,076
Oh, no, "Extra Croutons"
is here again?
76
00:03:55,078 --> 00:03:57,112
Make sure you charge her
extra.
77
00:03:57,114 --> 00:03:59,914
I'm not made of stale bread!
78
00:03:59,916 --> 00:04:02,183
No, you're made of
Legos, right?
79
00:04:02,185 --> 00:04:03,918
We are not charging her extra.
80
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,720
She looks like
she can't afford it.
81
00:04:05,722 --> 00:04:08,089
If she could,
why would she be eating here?
82
00:04:08,091 --> 00:04:09,724
Well, don't judge
a book by its cover.
83
00:04:09,726 --> 00:04:11,660
People look at me and--
Think you're bad in bed?
84
00:04:11,662 --> 00:04:13,261
What's your point?
85
00:04:13,263 --> 00:04:16,164
For your information, Max,
I'm not bad in bed.
86
00:04:16,166 --> 00:04:20,168
In fact, I'm quite the stud
in my Sims community.
87
00:04:20,170 --> 00:04:24,239
You wouldn't be a stud
in a retirement community.
88
00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:26,374
[bell dings]
89
00:04:26,376 --> 00:04:29,044
Hi!
Here's your salad...
90
00:04:29,046 --> 00:04:31,546
Uh...five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten.
91
00:04:31,548 --> 00:04:33,448
Uh, continue.
92
00:04:33,450 --> 00:04:35,183
And I wanted to introduce
myself.
93
00:04:35,185 --> 00:04:36,951
I'm Caroline,
you're regular waitress.
94
00:04:36,953 --> 00:04:38,386
Ah.
95
00:04:38,388 --> 00:04:40,889
Oh! My turn.
Sorry.
96
00:04:40,891 --> 00:04:43,525
I live alone,
and my plants aren't this needy.
97
00:04:43,527 --> 00:04:45,126
I'm Nola.
98
00:04:45,128 --> 00:04:47,529
And this is Max.
Max, this is Nola.
99
00:04:47,531 --> 00:04:49,130
'Sup, Lola?
100
00:04:49,132 --> 00:04:50,532
It's Nola.
101
00:04:50,534 --> 00:04:53,134
See, this is why
I like the blonde one.
102
00:04:53,136 --> 00:04:54,969
She listens.
103
00:04:54,971 --> 00:04:57,305
May I please have
a cheesecake?
104
00:04:57,307 --> 00:04:58,773
Sure. And thank you, Nola.
105
00:04:58,775 --> 00:05:01,109
I think it's important
to listen to people.
106
00:05:01,111 --> 00:05:03,511
Coming right back
with that cherry pie.
107
00:05:06,383 --> 00:05:08,450
I'll tell her if she
ever stops listening.
108
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,287
I think Nola knows
I'm more than just a waitress.
109
00:05:12,289 --> 00:05:14,322
She can see
right through this uniform.
110
00:05:14,324 --> 00:05:17,392
And so can I...
in just the right light.
111
00:05:19,062 --> 00:05:21,496
Close the door!
- Oh, my God!
112
00:05:21,498 --> 00:05:22,664
Sophie, you scared me!
113
00:05:22,666 --> 00:05:24,299
You're scared?
114
00:05:24,301 --> 00:05:27,702
I just saw the expiration
date on this milk!
115
00:05:27,704 --> 00:05:29,137
Come on, close it,
quick!
116
00:05:29,139 --> 00:05:31,373
I'm in here hiding
from Oleg.
117
00:05:31,375 --> 00:05:33,007
If you wanna get away
from Oleg,
118
00:05:33,009 --> 00:05:35,877
just go anywhere
they sell floss.
119
00:05:35,879 --> 00:05:38,413
I think that Oleg
is cheating on me.
120
00:05:38,415 --> 00:05:39,714
Look.
- Oh, God!
121
00:05:39,716 --> 00:05:42,250
Now she's gonna start
whipping it out?
122
00:05:42,252 --> 00:05:43,718
Look...
123
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,221
He has a second
secret phone.
124
00:05:46,223 --> 00:05:48,590
It's a boner phone.
125
00:05:48,592 --> 00:05:50,892
You mean a burner phone.
126
00:05:50,894 --> 00:05:52,494
Same thing.
127
00:05:52,496 --> 00:05:53,928
Sophie, how do you know
128
00:05:53,930 --> 00:05:55,430
he just doesn't use it
for long distance or...
129
00:05:55,432 --> 00:05:58,099
Or for the woman
that I'm calling right now?
130
00:05:58,101 --> 00:06:00,101
Oh, put her on speaker.
131
00:06:00,103 --> 00:06:03,238
I've nothing else to do.
I'm at work.
132
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,640
(woman)
Da? Oleg?
133
00:06:05,642 --> 00:06:08,443
[grunts hoarsely]
Uh...ah...
134
00:06:13,183 --> 00:06:15,950
(woman)
Oleg?
135
00:06:15,952 --> 00:06:18,953
[hoarsely]
Uhh...ah!
136
00:06:18,955 --> 00:06:23,425
That...
is a terrible Oleg.
137
00:06:23,427 --> 00:06:26,361
He is not that articulate.
138
00:06:26,363 --> 00:06:29,431
[woman speaking in Russian]
139
00:06:29,433 --> 00:06:33,368
Hah! That old whore!
140
00:06:33,370 --> 00:06:35,603
What did she say?
141
00:06:35,605 --> 00:06:38,139
I have no idea!
142
00:06:38,141 --> 00:06:39,841
I don't speak Russian,
but...
143
00:06:39,843 --> 00:06:42,944
I do speak "old whore."
144
00:06:42,946 --> 00:06:45,647
Tell me,
what is his problem?
145
00:06:45,649 --> 00:06:49,217
He has a sweet,
young filly like me at home
146
00:06:49,219 --> 00:06:51,853
and he needs to go out
and plow
147
00:06:51,855 --> 00:06:55,123
some old Russian field?
148
00:06:57,394 --> 00:07:00,895
Well...I'd ask what
you three are doing in here,
149
00:07:00,897 --> 00:07:02,530
but it's never gonna top
150
00:07:02,532 --> 00:07:05,133
what I'm imagining
you're doing in here.
151
00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:12,941
I can't believe
Nola didn't come in tonight.
152
00:07:12,943 --> 00:07:15,710
This is exactly what happened
with my Starbucks barista guy.
153
00:07:15,712 --> 00:07:19,113
One minute, he's suggestively
arranging the bananas at me,
154
00:07:19,115 --> 00:07:21,549
and then next minute,
he's face-down,
155
00:07:21,551 --> 00:07:23,651
dead in a puddle
of soy milk.
156
00:07:23,653 --> 00:07:25,787
Max, what if something
happened to her?
157
00:07:25,789 --> 00:07:27,922
More croutons for us!
158
00:07:27,924 --> 00:07:30,158
She said, "I'll see you
tomorrow."
159
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,560
That doesn't mean anything.
It's just an expression
160
00:07:32,562 --> 00:07:35,964
like, "Employees
must wash hands."
161
00:07:35,966 --> 00:07:40,602
Or...
or, "The baby is yours."
162
00:07:40,604 --> 00:07:42,604
Hey, everybody!
163
00:07:44,674 --> 00:07:47,008
Oh, Sophie,
it's just you.
164
00:07:47,010 --> 00:07:49,010
You're poor!
165
00:07:49,012 --> 00:07:50,612
And now we're even.
166
00:07:50,614 --> 00:07:52,814
Look, I stole it again.
Where's Oleg?
167
00:07:52,816 --> 00:07:54,415
I'll tell you
where he's not--
168
00:07:54,417 --> 00:07:56,384
Culinary school.
169
00:07:56,386 --> 00:07:57,852
He's on break.
170
00:07:57,854 --> 00:08:01,055
Oh, she's gonna be sorry!
171
00:08:01,057 --> 00:08:04,726
Oh...no one comes between
Sophie and her man.
172
00:08:04,728 --> 00:08:07,695
You know...unless
we pay them to.
173
00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:11,599
Couple things--
174
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:15,003
A--does anyone
ever work here?
175
00:08:15,005 --> 00:08:18,072
Caroline, stop worrying.
Extra Croutons is fine.
176
00:08:18,074 --> 00:08:21,442
She just called to order
some diner food to be delivered.
177
00:08:21,444 --> 00:08:25,113
Oh! So she wants to die
at home.
178
00:08:25,115 --> 00:08:27,415
I said we don't do deliveries.
179
00:08:27,417 --> 00:08:29,417
I told her you two
can barely get the food
180
00:08:29,419 --> 00:08:32,120
from the window
to the tables!
181
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,893
Max, I had to stop by
182
00:08:38,895 --> 00:08:40,862
and bring Nola her salad
and croutons.
183
00:08:40,864 --> 00:08:43,364
I mean, she's kind of
my biggest fan right now.
184
00:08:43,366 --> 00:08:46,367
True...'cause you just
lost me.
185
00:08:46,369 --> 00:08:48,603
I know you think
this is crazy,
186
00:08:48,605 --> 00:08:51,039
but there's something about
the way Nola looks at me.
187
00:08:51,041 --> 00:08:53,141
It's like she's seeing
something in me.
188
00:08:53,143 --> 00:08:55,677
The woman wears
two pairs of glasses.
189
00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:59,113
To her, you're just a chatty
yellow and orange blur.
190
00:08:59,115 --> 00:09:02,550
I was told
you didn't deliver.
191
00:09:02,552 --> 00:09:05,687
By who,
her old boyfriends?
192
00:09:05,689 --> 00:09:08,489
Are you two
gonna kill me or something?
193
00:09:08,491 --> 00:09:10,191
Because if you are,
194
00:09:10,193 --> 00:09:13,227
I would like to put on
a different hat.
195
00:09:13,229 --> 00:09:14,963
No, no, no.
She got worried.
196
00:09:14,965 --> 00:09:16,731
See, you're her first
regular.
197
00:09:16,733 --> 00:09:18,533
I'm just here
for the story.
198
00:09:18,535 --> 00:09:20,635
I figured there'd be something
freaky behind this door
199
00:09:20,637 --> 00:09:24,405
like a 50-foot python
and what's left of the UPS guy.
200
00:09:24,407 --> 00:09:26,574
And Earl guessed
you were a man.
201
00:09:26,576 --> 00:09:28,209
No man.
202
00:09:28,211 --> 00:09:31,980
No, just me in here with
my vagina and my photographs.
203
00:09:31,982 --> 00:09:33,815
Oh! You're a photographer?
204
00:09:33,817 --> 00:09:35,316
I love photography!
205
00:09:35,318 --> 00:09:37,085
And I love privacy.
206
00:09:37,087 --> 00:09:38,720
And I love pot.
207
00:09:38,722 --> 00:09:41,089
Oh, I thought
we were going around.
208
00:09:41,091 --> 00:09:43,358
Come on.
You better come in too.
209
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,994
You're the Yin
to her Yap.
210
00:09:45,996 --> 00:09:47,495
Hey, careful
where you step.
211
00:09:47,497 --> 00:09:50,064
I can't find
my third pair of glasses.
212
00:09:50,066 --> 00:09:53,034
It's on top of your hat.
No, that's my fourth pair.
213
00:09:53,036 --> 00:09:54,936
Hey!
214
00:09:54,938 --> 00:09:56,738
This is Billy the bum!
215
00:09:56,740 --> 00:09:59,374
He used to live in a box around
the corner from my apartment.
216
00:09:59,376 --> 00:10:00,942
He even let me stay over once
217
00:10:00,944 --> 00:10:02,677
when I had to get away
from this bad roommate.
218
00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:05,413
Oh, the one before me?
No, it was you.
219
00:10:05,415 --> 00:10:08,282
You two are a riot
together.
220
00:10:08,284 --> 00:10:12,420
You remind me of me
and my old photographer friend
221
00:10:12,422 --> 00:10:13,855
Annie Leibovitz.
222
00:10:13,857 --> 00:10:15,256
Course,
this was before...
223
00:10:15,258 --> 00:10:16,891
Before she got famous?
224
00:10:16,893 --> 00:10:19,193
No.
Before she hit on me.
225
00:10:19,195 --> 00:10:22,030
I told her
I wasn't into girls.
226
00:10:22,032 --> 00:10:25,400
But...I think she was
confused by the derby.
227
00:10:25,402 --> 00:10:28,236
Yeah. I think we're all
a little confused by it.
228
00:10:28,238 --> 00:10:31,372
Nola, I want to ask you
if you've ever had any success,
229
00:10:31,374 --> 00:10:33,975
but I don't know how to
do that without insulting you.
230
00:10:33,977 --> 00:10:36,544
That's correct.
You don't.
231
00:10:39,315 --> 00:10:42,450
Oh! You're having
a gallery show in SoHo?
232
00:10:42,452 --> 00:10:44,252
Good-bye.
233
00:10:44,254 --> 00:10:46,054
Uh, it was nice
of you two
234
00:10:46,056 --> 00:10:48,389
to, uh, come over,
check on me.
235
00:10:48,391 --> 00:10:50,758
Uh...weird, but nice.
236
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,294
Perhaps we could come
to the opening.
237
00:10:53,296 --> 00:10:55,663
Oh. Oh, you don't
need to do that.
238
00:10:55,665 --> 00:10:57,365
I know we don't need to,
239
00:10:57,367 --> 00:10:59,634
but maybe I want to support
you and your amazing work.
240
00:10:59,636 --> 00:11:01,369
And Max would enjoy.
the free wine.
- Yes, I would.
241
00:11:01,371 --> 00:11:02,370
[laughs]
No.
242
00:11:02,372 --> 00:11:04,205
Oh, I would.
243
00:11:04,207 --> 00:11:07,408
No as in, "No, don't come."
244
00:11:07,410 --> 00:11:09,077
Now,
if you'll excuse me,
245
00:11:09,079 --> 00:11:10,678
I wanna eat my croutons
246
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:12,880
without the vaudeville
stylings
247
00:11:12,882 --> 00:11:14,749
of Shecky and Nosy.
248
00:11:19,689 --> 00:11:21,089
Here.
249
00:11:21,091 --> 00:11:23,825
Oh, yeah, good.
I was looking for this.
250
00:11:31,701 --> 00:11:33,301
I can't believe
you're doing all this
251
00:11:33,303 --> 00:11:34,802
for a diner regular.
252
00:11:34,804 --> 00:11:36,871
I haven't seen you
this desperate since Monday,
253
00:11:36,873 --> 00:11:40,041
Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday.
254
00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:42,710
I know--on the weekends,
I just give up.
255
00:11:42,712 --> 00:11:45,012
Look that title!
256
00:11:45,014 --> 00:11:46,714
"The Great Unwashed."
257
00:11:46,716 --> 00:11:49,584
Are Oleg's balls here?
258
00:11:51,821 --> 00:11:54,589
Max, it's the "art scene."
259
00:11:54,591 --> 00:11:57,325
Class it up.
At least say testicles.
260
00:11:57,327 --> 00:11:59,060
Evening, ladies.
261
00:11:59,062 --> 00:12:00,928
Earl, what are you
doing here?
262
00:12:00,930 --> 00:12:05,233
And, Han, your sweater's
eating your head.
263
00:12:05,235 --> 00:12:07,101
I'm here for the champagne
264
00:12:07,103 --> 00:12:11,606
and because I couldn't
find my way out.
265
00:12:11,608 --> 00:12:16,244
I just walked into
a picture of a door.
266
00:12:16,246 --> 00:12:20,014
Some of these are going
for thousands of dollars!
267
00:12:20,016 --> 00:12:22,083
That Nola bitch is rich,
and I bet she has
268
00:12:22,085 --> 00:12:25,987
a frigging summer house
made out of my free croutons!
269
00:12:25,989 --> 00:12:30,458
Han, it's the art scene.
Class it up.
270
00:12:30,460 --> 00:12:34,695
At least say "freaking."
Also, "testicles."
271
00:12:34,697 --> 00:12:37,665
Well, I'm not wasting
this new turtleneck on you two.
272
00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:39,433
I'm going to go mingle.
273
00:12:39,435 --> 00:12:41,803
A high fashion model
was giving me the eye.
274
00:12:41,805 --> 00:12:44,205
Then she'd have to be
high.
275
00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:48,309
Uh, Han, I believe
I'll stay here.
276
00:12:48,311 --> 00:12:50,511
Nobody wins with a Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle
277
00:12:50,513 --> 00:12:52,413
as a wingman.
278
00:12:54,217 --> 00:12:55,783
Oh, hey, everybody.
279
00:12:55,785 --> 00:12:57,218
Hey, Sophie.
Hey, Oleg.
280
00:12:57,220 --> 00:13:00,388
So can I class it
back down now?
281
00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:02,790
Sorry we're late.
I was just over there
282
00:13:02,792 --> 00:13:06,527
admiring the photo of the happy
couple under the bridge.
283
00:13:06,529 --> 00:13:08,930
Happy couple?
Sophie, they're two junkies
284
00:13:08,932 --> 00:13:11,098
sharing a needle.
285
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,800
Yeah, well,
286
00:13:12,802 --> 00:13:16,537
at least the lady junkie
knows where his needle's been.
287
00:13:16,539 --> 00:13:18,806
I don't even think
she knows her name.
288
00:13:18,808 --> 00:13:21,075
Well, she knows more
than she's letting on.
289
00:13:21,077 --> 00:13:23,244
She knows everything.
290
00:13:24,447 --> 00:13:26,247
Hey, you guys have
been here a while.
291
00:13:26,249 --> 00:13:28,316
Where's the best place
to steal some food?
292
00:13:28,318 --> 00:13:29,951
Max!
- Sorry, sorry.
293
00:13:29,953 --> 00:13:34,088
Classing it up:
Testicles some food?
294
00:13:34,090 --> 00:13:37,258
Oh, Max, I can tell
by your sassy demeanor
295
00:13:37,260 --> 00:13:39,727
you haven't seen
your photo yet.
296
00:13:39,729 --> 00:13:43,798
What photo? I haven't
bounced any checks here.
297
00:13:45,802 --> 00:13:48,836
Yep, that's me, all right.
298
00:13:48,838 --> 00:13:51,272
I recognize
that "I don't care" pout
299
00:13:51,274 --> 00:13:54,909
and the Thousand Island
dressing in my hair.
300
00:13:54,911 --> 00:13:56,878
Max, just because
you're hanging on a wall
301
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,747
among the poorest,
most lost souls in our city
302
00:13:59,749 --> 00:14:02,650
doesn't mean
that your life is...
303
00:14:02,652 --> 00:14:05,887
I'm hanging
right behind me, aren't I?
304
00:14:07,690 --> 00:14:09,924
Oh, my God!
305
00:14:09,926 --> 00:14:12,927
It could be worse.
You could be naked.
306
00:14:12,929 --> 00:14:14,929
This is worse
than being naked!
307
00:14:14,931 --> 00:14:17,698
I'm wearing polyester!
308
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,700
It's bad enough
I'm a waitress in Brooklyn.
309
00:14:19,702 --> 00:14:21,903
Now I'm a waitress
in Manhattan,
310
00:14:21,905 --> 00:14:24,672
and these guys
didn't even tip!
311
00:14:24,674 --> 00:14:26,707
No, no, no, it's a photograph,
312
00:14:26,709 --> 00:14:28,509
so it's more symbolic.
313
00:14:28,511 --> 00:14:31,913
It's called "Waitress"
314
00:14:31,915 --> 00:14:34,048
and I'm holding
a check pad.
315
00:14:34,050 --> 00:14:36,918
What do all these
blue dots mean?
316
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,854
Is my picture in trouble?
317
00:14:39,856 --> 00:14:42,790
That's how many times
your print has been purchased.
318
00:14:47,530 --> 00:14:49,397
Over here, Max,
away from that
319
00:14:49,399 --> 00:14:52,266
pathetic blonde lady
in the waitress uniform.
320
00:14:52,268 --> 00:14:55,136
Will you relax?
No one even recognized you.
321
00:14:55,138 --> 00:14:57,772
No one?
What about that art critic
322
00:14:57,774 --> 00:14:59,307
who said that
"my smile on the photo
323
00:14:59,309 --> 00:15:02,276
"was a study of tragic,
foolish optimism
324
00:15:02,278 --> 00:15:05,379
in a hopeless,
dead-end life"?
325
00:15:06,783 --> 00:15:09,317
Oh, him.
326
00:15:09,319 --> 00:15:10,818
"Hopeless, dead-end life"?
327
00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:13,020
And then worse,
no one buys me?
328
00:15:13,022 --> 00:15:15,790
I'm not even a success
as a failure?
329
00:15:15,792 --> 00:15:19,694
You're totally
a success as a failure.
330
00:15:19,696 --> 00:15:21,495
Then where are all
the blue dots, Max?
331
00:15:21,497 --> 00:15:23,731
15 people bought you.
332
00:15:23,733 --> 00:15:26,200
Whatever you do,
don't turn around.
333
00:15:26,202 --> 00:15:28,469
Look at these dots!
334
00:15:31,407 --> 00:15:34,575
I am going home
with all these people--
335
00:15:34,577 --> 00:15:37,345
men, women, black, white.
336
00:15:37,347 --> 00:15:40,014
It's like a key party
at Joe Namath's house
337
00:15:40,016 --> 00:15:42,316
in the '70s.
338
00:15:47,056 --> 00:15:48,723
Hey, Shecky!
339
00:15:48,725 --> 00:15:51,759
Why are you putting a dot
by your friend's photo?
340
00:15:51,761 --> 00:15:54,395
Uh, how many extra croutons
can you buy
341
00:15:54,397 --> 00:15:57,298
with the buttload of money
you're making from these photos?
342
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,567
A buttload.
Okay, Okay.
343
00:15:59,569 --> 00:16:02,103
I get it, you're mad.
Tell you what.
344
00:16:02,105 --> 00:16:05,439
I will give you
a free print of your photo.
345
00:16:05,441 --> 00:16:07,274
Look, keep the photo.
346
00:16:07,276 --> 00:16:10,144
I don't want a picture
of me marrying ketchups.
347
00:16:10,146 --> 00:16:12,947
I don't want a picture of me
marrying anybody.
348
00:16:12,949 --> 00:16:15,282
But you can pay me back
another way.
349
00:16:15,284 --> 00:16:17,451
I told you,
I'm not a lesbian.
350
00:16:17,453 --> 00:16:19,487
I just wear hats.
351
00:16:21,824 --> 00:16:24,992
Your friend says
you hate your photo.
352
00:16:24,994 --> 00:16:26,193
No.
353
00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:28,496
I enjoy being
secretly photographed
354
00:16:28,498 --> 00:16:31,966
while I'm stealing someone
extra, extra croutons.
355
00:16:31,968 --> 00:16:33,367
For the record,
356
00:16:33,369 --> 00:16:36,303
I never saw your smile
as foolish.
357
00:16:36,305 --> 00:16:37,972
I saw it as, uh...
358
00:16:37,974 --> 00:16:39,840
just a little big.
359
00:16:39,842 --> 00:16:42,810
Uh--I'm trying to
pay you a compliment.
360
00:16:42,812 --> 00:16:44,779
Well, you failed.
361
00:16:44,781 --> 00:16:47,381
All this time,
when you looked at me,
362
00:16:47,383 --> 00:16:49,316
I thought you saw
something special,
363
00:16:49,318 --> 00:16:52,119
but all you really saw was
someone reading the specials.
364
00:16:52,121 --> 00:16:54,622
I have a question
for you.
365
00:16:54,624 --> 00:16:57,258
Okay, fine.
I wear the derby
366
00:16:57,260 --> 00:17:00,628
because I have a little
bit of a bald spot.
367
00:17:01,731 --> 00:17:03,531
Why didn't I sell?
368
00:17:03,533 --> 00:17:05,433
The picture sucks.
369
00:17:05,435 --> 00:17:07,101
One of my worst.
370
00:17:07,103 --> 00:17:09,036
If you're still trying
to give me a compliment,
371
00:17:09,038 --> 00:17:10,371
you're still failing.
372
00:17:10,373 --> 00:17:12,540
Look, a good photograph
373
00:17:12,542 --> 00:17:14,542
captures the truth.
374
00:17:14,544 --> 00:17:17,311
And I guess
no one really believes
375
00:17:17,313 --> 00:17:19,480
you as a waitress.
376
00:17:21,384 --> 00:17:25,086
That is the single nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.
377
00:17:25,088 --> 00:17:27,488
So it's not where
you wanna be--I get it.
378
00:17:27,490 --> 00:17:31,325
Look, it's taken me 50 years
to be where I am.
379
00:17:31,327 --> 00:17:35,229
And you are still
so young.
380
00:17:35,231 --> 00:17:37,331
That is
the second-nicest thing
381
00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:39,333
anyone's ever said to me!
382
00:17:39,335 --> 00:17:42,670
The road is long,
and trust me,
383
00:17:42,672 --> 00:17:45,940
it can be really hard.
384
00:17:45,942 --> 00:17:47,842
So whatever you do,
385
00:17:47,844 --> 00:17:51,178
you hold on to that
foolishly hopeful smile.
386
00:17:51,180 --> 00:17:55,483
And...your funny friend.
387
00:17:55,485 --> 00:17:57,651
Yes?
- Yes.
388
00:17:57,653 --> 00:18:01,422
Uh, everyone,
tonight we are witness
389
00:18:01,424 --> 00:18:04,024
to the amazing work
390
00:18:04,026 --> 00:18:05,860
of Nola Anderz.
391
00:18:05,862 --> 00:18:07,695
[applause]
392
00:18:07,697 --> 00:18:10,030
Why don't we all
just stand here quietly
393
00:18:10,032 --> 00:18:14,835
for a moment
and let Nola's pictures speak.
394
00:18:16,739 --> 00:18:18,506
[cell phone ringing]
395
00:18:18,508 --> 00:18:20,574
That's my phone.
Where is it?
396
00:18:20,576 --> 00:18:23,210
[ringing]
397
00:18:23,212 --> 00:18:26,947
Baby, why is my phone
in your bra?
398
00:18:26,949 --> 00:18:28,682
Shh, please!
399
00:18:28,684 --> 00:18:31,919
It's your secret phone!
I know all about it.
400
00:18:31,921 --> 00:18:34,221
[ringing]
- You took it?
Give it to me.
401
00:18:34,223 --> 00:18:37,358
Who is she, Oleg?
Who is this skanky old whore?
402
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,226
Security!
Security!
403
00:18:40,796 --> 00:18:42,963
What--no, no, no!
Stop, stop--she has my phone.
404
00:18:42,965 --> 00:18:44,632
It's his boner phone,
everybody!
405
00:18:44,634 --> 00:18:46,267
It's his boner phone!
406
00:18:48,938 --> 00:18:51,472
And you had the testicles
to think
407
00:18:51,474 --> 00:18:54,208
I was gonna embarrass you.
408
00:18:58,881 --> 00:18:59,880
Hey, Sophie.
409
00:18:59,882 --> 00:19:01,348
Hey, girls.
410
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:02,950
Did you hear that?
411
00:19:02,952 --> 00:19:05,519
It sounds a little
bit like...I don't know.
412
00:19:05,521 --> 00:19:08,222
The sound of cheating.
413
00:19:08,224 --> 00:19:10,324
You guys
haven't made up yet?
414
00:19:10,326 --> 00:19:11,859
Don't make up here.
415
00:19:11,861 --> 00:19:14,061
No. I slept
on the couch.
416
00:19:14,063 --> 00:19:16,163
I missed her so much,
I watched a romcom
417
00:19:16,165 --> 00:19:19,667
while eating a whole box
of her edible underwear.
418
00:19:19,669 --> 00:19:22,236
Still not talking to me,
Sophie?
419
00:19:22,238 --> 00:19:25,506
For the last time,
there's nobody else but you.
420
00:19:25,508 --> 00:19:27,841
I use that phone...
Yes?
421
00:19:27,843 --> 00:19:29,577
to...
Go on.
422
00:19:29,579 --> 00:19:32,179
I use it to call...
Cut to the chase!
423
00:19:32,181 --> 00:19:34,215
My mother.
424
00:19:34,217 --> 00:19:37,551
Is there no one
he won't sleep with?
425
00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:39,320
I didn't tell you because
426
00:19:39,322 --> 00:19:41,322
I didn't want you to think
I was a mama's boy.
427
00:19:41,324 --> 00:19:44,158
Except when we play
"Mama and Boy."
428
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,893
Well...
429
00:19:45,895 --> 00:19:47,661
I'll tell you
what I told that girl
430
00:19:47,663 --> 00:19:49,997
at the Yankee Candle store.
431
00:19:49,999 --> 00:19:52,499
"I'm not buyin' it!"
432
00:19:52,501 --> 00:19:54,668
It's true, Sophie.
433
00:19:54,670 --> 00:19:57,838
I'm afraid I'm...
losing my hair.
434
00:19:59,542 --> 00:20:01,709
Oh...Oleg.
435
00:20:01,711 --> 00:20:03,911
But don't you know...
436
00:20:03,913 --> 00:20:07,881
I mean, you could be
balder than Jeremy Piven was
437
00:20:07,883 --> 00:20:12,519
15 years ago,
and I'd still love ya.
438
00:20:12,521 --> 00:20:17,424
[phone ringing]
439
00:20:17,426 --> 00:20:19,560
Where's my--
[ringing]
440
00:20:19,562 --> 00:20:22,696
Busted.
441
00:20:22,698 --> 00:20:26,200
Caroline,
I have something for you.
442
00:20:26,202 --> 00:20:28,235
I'm not signing
another one of those
443
00:20:28,237 --> 00:20:30,971
giant birthday cards
again.
444
00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:37,745
It's my picture.
445
00:20:37,747 --> 00:20:40,881
Great. Now I have two of you
that don't wait on tables.
446
00:20:40,883 --> 00:20:43,317
"Thanks for the croutons.
Nola."
447
00:20:43,319 --> 00:20:45,386
Max, where are we
gonna hang me?
448
00:20:45,388 --> 00:20:47,221
Maybe you should hang yourself
in the bathroom
449
00:20:47,223 --> 00:20:49,690
like I thought you would
three years ago.
450
00:20:49,692 --> 00:20:52,826
Yep. I lost $20 on that bet.
451
00:20:52,828 --> 00:20:54,361
You know, Max,
452
00:20:54,363 --> 00:20:56,797
maybe I have to stop running
away from this part of my life
453
00:20:56,799 --> 00:20:59,333
and embrace it,
see it as part of my journey,
454
00:20:59,335 --> 00:21:02,102
my...beautiful,
exciting journey.
455
00:21:02,104 --> 00:21:05,639
If you don't shut up,
I'm gonna hang you right here.
456
00:21:08,477 --> 00:21:09,877
[cha-ching]