1
00:00:01,611 --> 00:00:07,082
Here's your check, Mr. ZZ
and Mr. Top.
2
00:00:07,084 --> 00:00:08,550
Would you like a to-go box,
3
00:00:08,552 --> 00:00:09,551
or are you just gonna put it
in your beard
4
00:00:09,553 --> 00:00:12,587
with the rest of your sandwich?
5
00:00:12,589 --> 00:00:13,989
We're in a beard-growing
contest.
6
00:00:13,991 --> 00:00:15,057
They happen all over
the country.
7
00:00:15,059 --> 00:00:16,324
It's a pretty big deal.
8
00:00:16,326 --> 00:00:17,325
What's first prize?
9
00:00:17,327 --> 00:00:20,529
Blindfold for your girlfriends?
10
00:00:20,531 --> 00:00:23,331
I'm kidding, I know you don't
have girlfriends.
11
00:00:23,333 --> 00:00:25,400
Actually, this level
of hair-art
12
00:00:25,402 --> 00:00:27,569
takes months of hard work
and commitment.
13
00:00:27,571 --> 00:00:32,441
Well, quack, quack,
Duck Dynasty.
14
00:00:32,443 --> 00:00:36,211
My left armpit
could beat you both.
15
00:00:36,213 --> 00:00:38,580
Let me tell you something
on behalf of women everywhere.
16
00:00:38,582 --> 00:00:41,349
We. Don't. Like. Beards.
17
00:00:41,351 --> 00:00:43,251
Caroline?
Beards?
18
00:00:43,253 --> 00:00:46,388
(Caroline)
I never liked being one.
19
00:00:46,390 --> 00:00:51,393
Ladies, if his name is Trace,
get the hell out of there.
20
00:00:51,395 --> 00:00:53,562
See?
So, shave losers.
21
00:00:53,564 --> 00:00:56,798
If you're chinless
or chin-plentiful,
22
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,101
it's better than
what you've got going on.
23
00:00:59,103 --> 00:01:02,671
There's your tip,
be generous with mine.
24
00:01:02,673 --> 00:01:05,273
You actually insult people
and then expect them
25
00:01:05,275 --> 00:01:06,641
to give you money?
26
00:01:06,643 --> 00:01:10,145
That's how it works
with you and me.
27
00:01:10,147 --> 00:01:12,280
(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
28
00:01:12,282 --> 00:01:13,949
[cash register bell dings]
29
00:01:13,951 --> 00:01:17,519
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ¶
30
00:01:23,092 --> 00:01:24,559
Thanks.
31
00:01:24,561 --> 00:01:26,761
Everyone's loving our new
cupcake T-shirts.
32
00:01:26,763 --> 00:01:28,597
I've sold four in the last hour.
33
00:01:28,599 --> 00:01:32,734
Three more and we can afford
that towel we've had our eye on.
34
00:01:32,736 --> 00:01:34,069
These T-shirts keep selling.
35
00:01:34,071 --> 00:01:35,537
That means more money.
36
00:01:35,539 --> 00:01:38,206
Mo' means mo' success.
37
00:01:38,208 --> 00:01:39,708
Mo' Success?
38
00:01:39,710 --> 00:01:43,378
I think I dated
his cousin, Les.
39
00:01:43,380 --> 00:01:46,314
Hey, everybody.
40
00:01:46,316 --> 00:01:48,316
Mind if I stop
for a breather?
41
00:01:48,318 --> 00:01:52,254
I've been "briding"
my ass off.
42
00:01:52,256 --> 00:01:54,623
Sophie, are those all your
bridal magazines?
43
00:01:54,625 --> 00:01:55,991
That's only half.
44
00:01:55,993 --> 00:01:58,059
Come on, Oleg!
45
00:01:58,061 --> 00:02:00,829
Look, if those are too heavy,
how are you going to be able
46
00:02:00,831 --> 00:02:05,400
to push the wedding donkey
down the aisle?
47
00:02:05,402 --> 00:02:07,035
Wedding donkey?
48
00:02:07,037 --> 00:02:09,804
My excitement level for this
wedding just skyrocketed.
49
00:02:09,806 --> 00:02:11,473
Relax, Sophie.
50
00:02:11,475 --> 00:02:14,509
If I know how to do anything,
it's how to move an ass.
51
00:02:14,511 --> 00:02:17,179
That's true.
Yeah.
52
00:02:17,181 --> 00:02:21,483
Wow, you're carrying more heavy
issues than Amanda Bynes.
53
00:02:21,485 --> 00:02:23,685
Look at all these.
Beautiful Bride,
54
00:02:23,687 --> 00:02:25,420
Modern Bride, City Bride?
55
00:02:25,422 --> 00:02:28,723
And do you really need
African American Bride?
56
00:02:28,725 --> 00:02:31,993
Well, I haven't ruled out
cornrows.
57
00:02:31,995 --> 00:02:34,029
Cornrows and a donkey?
58
00:02:34,031 --> 00:02:38,366
RSVP yes.
59
00:02:38,368 --> 00:02:39,367
Oh, yeah.
60
00:02:39,369 --> 00:02:43,104
This one's hot.
61
00:02:43,106 --> 00:02:45,273
Save that one for later.
62
00:02:45,275 --> 00:02:47,909
Oh, I forgot I'm getting
married.
63
00:02:47,911 --> 00:02:49,277
Keep her.
64
00:02:49,279 --> 00:02:52,781
I might need a Tuesday off.
65
00:02:52,783 --> 00:02:55,016
Sophie, why don't you get some
help from your Maid of Honor?
66
00:02:55,018 --> 00:02:56,017
I will kill you.
67
00:02:56,019 --> 00:02:57,786
Or a wedding planner?
68
00:02:57,788 --> 00:03:03,024
Oh, Sophie, my cousin, Svetlana,
is a wedding planner.
69
00:03:03,026 --> 00:03:06,494
Okay, but she better be good.
70
00:03:06,496 --> 00:03:11,600
Because I want everything
to be perfect on my big day.
71
00:03:12,802 --> 00:03:14,469
Our big day.
72
00:03:14,471 --> 00:03:20,375
Yeah. Sure.
73
00:03:20,377 --> 00:03:22,377
I can't believe this.
74
00:03:22,379 --> 00:03:23,845
They're getting married and
I don't have a wedding donkey
75
00:03:23,847 --> 00:03:27,148
anywhere on my horizon.
76
00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:30,018
OMG, you sell these T-shirts?
77
00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:31,886
I just bought one.
78
00:03:31,888 --> 00:03:34,222
Did I jut sell you that shirt
and already forgot?
79
00:03:34,224 --> 00:03:35,523
I knew that nine-cent deodorant
80
00:03:35,525 --> 00:03:38,693
was going to give me
brain lesions.
81
00:03:38,695 --> 00:03:40,662
Well, the label did have
a picture of a brain
82
00:03:40,664 --> 00:03:44,399
with "No Bueno" written on it.
83
00:03:44,401 --> 00:03:46,568
No, I bought it at a store
in Manhattan
84
00:03:46,570 --> 00:03:48,370
on East Ninth and Broadway.
85
00:03:48,372 --> 00:03:50,672
I know because I'm OCD
and it was 67 steps
86
00:03:50,674 --> 00:03:54,342
and 14 sidewalk cracks
from the corner.
87
00:03:54,344 --> 00:03:56,678
Max, someone else is selling
our shirts.
88
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,179
I know.
89
00:03:58,181 --> 00:04:01,783
We're getting hosed
by some other hoes.
90
00:04:04,587 --> 00:04:06,788
I can't believe they stole
our shirt.
91
00:04:06,790 --> 00:04:09,958
The one thing we made that
people actually wanted to buy.
92
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,160
I feel like Myspace.
93
00:04:12,162 --> 00:04:14,496
I haven't seen anything
this upsetting in a window
94
00:04:14,498 --> 00:04:16,464
since that time I accidentally
caught a reflection
95
00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:21,236
of myself in my
waitress uniform.
96
00:04:21,238 --> 00:04:22,570
We need to talk to someone
97
00:04:22,572 --> 00:04:23,972
about those damn shirts
you jacked.
98
00:04:23,974 --> 00:04:25,340
We about to rumble.
99
00:04:25,342 --> 00:04:27,342
What she means is,
we wish to speak to someone
100
00:04:27,344 --> 00:04:29,611
about the adorable
cupcake T-shirts in the window.
101
00:04:29,613 --> 00:04:32,614
Or, we will be about to rumble.
102
00:04:32,616 --> 00:04:34,616
I'm just working here
till I get my PhD
103
00:04:34,618 --> 00:04:38,153
in the Eco-Social Dynamics
of Western Civilization.
104
00:04:38,155 --> 00:04:40,188
So, forever?
105
00:04:40,190 --> 00:04:41,823
Those T-shirts are our design
106
00:04:41,825 --> 00:04:43,158
and we need to know why
they're here
107
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:44,993
and who knocked them off.
108
00:04:44,995 --> 00:04:46,928
It's the granddaughter
of the woman who owns this shop.
109
00:04:46,930 --> 00:04:49,698
She's kind of a monster
and she's walking in right now.
110
00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:51,533
Hi, Kemberly and Ashlin.
111
00:04:51,535 --> 00:04:53,335
These ladies are interested
in your T-shirts.
112
00:04:53,337 --> 00:04:54,536
Aren't they cute?
113
00:04:54,538 --> 00:04:55,537
So cute.
114
00:04:55,539 --> 00:04:57,305
Yeah, super cute.
115
00:04:57,307 --> 00:04:58,373
We designed them.
116
00:04:58,375 --> 00:05:00,775
Yeah, we designed them.
117
00:05:00,777 --> 00:05:01,776
What?
118
00:05:01,778 --> 00:05:03,511
Yeah, what?
119
00:05:03,513 --> 00:05:05,547
Ashlin and Kimberly, is it?
120
00:05:05,549 --> 00:05:07,515
It's Kemberly, with an "E."
121
00:05:07,517 --> 00:05:09,851
I changed it myself
'cause I'm original.
122
00:05:09,853 --> 00:05:12,420
Yeah, she's an original.
123
00:05:12,422 --> 00:05:14,556
You know what's not original?
124
00:05:14,558 --> 00:05:16,958
Those shirts.
You stole them from us.
125
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,760
We did not steal your idea.
126
00:05:18,762 --> 00:05:21,129
Yeah, we did not steal
your idea.
127
00:05:21,131 --> 00:05:25,567
We copied it from this lame
cupcake shop in Brooklyn.
128
00:05:25,569 --> 00:05:28,069
Wait a minute...
129
00:05:28,071 --> 00:05:32,207
we have a lame cupcake shop
in Brooklyn.
130
00:05:32,209 --> 00:05:35,043
Ashlin, you talk too much.
131
00:05:35,045 --> 00:05:37,112
This is why everyone knows
about my lap-band.
132
00:05:37,114 --> 00:05:39,280
I think they know about it
because you lost 200 pounds
133
00:05:39,282 --> 00:05:42,050
over Spring break.
134
00:05:42,052 --> 00:05:45,487
It's hard to believe she was
once twice this obnoxious.
135
00:05:45,489 --> 00:05:46,988
If you don't stop selling
our T-shirts,
136
00:05:46,990 --> 00:05:48,823
we're gonna have to get
our lawyer involved.
137
00:05:48,825 --> 00:05:51,826
Yeah, we're gonna have to get
our lawyer involved.
138
00:05:51,828 --> 00:05:54,896
And he's gonna kill you.
139
00:05:54,898 --> 00:05:57,665
I don't know
what lawyers do.
140
00:05:57,667 --> 00:06:00,034
We're totally not
doing this for us.
141
00:06:00,036 --> 00:06:01,035
We're rich.
142
00:06:01,037 --> 00:06:02,837
Yeah, we're rich.
143
00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:05,006
A percentage of every shirt
that we sell goes to charity.
144
00:06:05,008 --> 00:06:07,742
Yeah, it goes to charity.
145
00:06:07,744 --> 00:06:11,813
We are the charity
that it needs to go to.
146
00:06:11,815 --> 00:06:13,548
You're old and desperate
for money.
147
00:06:13,550 --> 00:06:15,316
And I totally get it.
148
00:06:15,318 --> 00:06:17,218
My aunt's one of the
Real Housewives of New York.
149
00:06:17,220 --> 00:06:19,187
But, sorry.
150
00:06:19,189 --> 00:06:24,492
It's the one without
the leg.
151
00:06:24,494 --> 00:06:26,094
What just happened here?
152
00:06:26,096 --> 00:06:27,529
That girl just called you old.
153
00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:37,272
Earl, I don't think I'm going
to be buying you that pinky ring
154
00:06:37,274 --> 00:06:41,109
you wanted any time soon.
155
00:06:41,111 --> 00:06:43,445
No rush Max,
you got plenty of time.
156
00:06:43,447 --> 00:06:49,083
I got like, six or seven months
before I turn to dust.
157
00:06:49,085 --> 00:06:51,052
It's 'cause our T-shirts
got ripped off
158
00:06:51,054 --> 00:06:53,354
by a couple of prep school
girls in Manhattan.
159
00:06:53,356 --> 00:06:56,124
It's like a bad 80's movie.
160
00:06:56,126 --> 00:06:57,992
I don't know whether to
date James Spader
161
00:06:57,994 --> 00:07:03,498
or teach this town how to dance.
162
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,033
This is so unfair.
163
00:07:05,035 --> 00:07:06,701
Those girls can't just steal
from us.
164
00:07:06,703 --> 00:07:09,871
This isn't 7-Eleven.
165
00:07:09,873 --> 00:07:12,774
Max, I can't believe
your naiveté.
166
00:07:12,776 --> 00:07:16,711
What does my body spray
have to do with anything?
167
00:07:16,713 --> 00:07:19,013
Look, there is no reason
to be so upset
168
00:07:19,015 --> 00:07:20,548
about those two girls.
169
00:07:20,550 --> 00:07:22,317
They're not going
to affect our business.
170
00:07:22,319 --> 00:07:24,486
Plus, they have to live
with themselves.
171
00:07:24,488 --> 00:07:26,187
And karma is a bitch.
172
00:07:26,189 --> 00:07:31,659
I mean, I littered once
and look what happened to me.
173
00:07:31,661 --> 00:07:35,663
Hey, everybody.
174
00:07:35,665 --> 00:07:40,635
I'm up to my nuts
in bridal junk.
175
00:07:40,637 --> 00:07:41,636
[bell dings]
176
00:07:41,638 --> 00:07:42,704
There she is.
177
00:07:42,706 --> 00:07:44,038
The love of my life.
178
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,540
The yin to my yang.
179
00:07:45,542 --> 00:07:49,744
The zing to my wang.
180
00:07:49,746 --> 00:07:53,715
Save that gold for the vows.
181
00:07:53,717 --> 00:07:56,150
I am Svetlana, Oleg's cousin.
182
00:07:56,152 --> 00:07:57,819
Well, darling,
it could be worse.
183
00:07:57,821 --> 00:08:00,788
You could be his sister.
184
00:08:00,790 --> 00:08:02,790
Svetty!
185
00:08:02,792 --> 00:08:05,727
And you must be Sophie.
186
00:08:05,729 --> 00:08:07,295
Yeah.
187
00:08:07,297 --> 00:08:10,598
No.
188
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,301
But you haven't even heard
any ideas.
189
00:08:13,303 --> 00:08:17,005
Caroline.
190
00:08:17,007 --> 00:08:18,806
Sophie, why did you
just say my name?
191
00:08:18,808 --> 00:08:21,809
Oh, it's Oleg's
and my safe word.
192
00:08:25,114 --> 00:08:29,684
Yeah.
It means no.
193
00:08:29,686 --> 00:08:34,689
It's the one word we both agreed
we would never say during sex.
194
00:08:36,458 --> 00:08:38,092
Are you sure?
195
00:08:38,094 --> 00:08:42,864
Because I give free oil change
with every wedding.
196
00:08:42,866 --> 00:08:47,201
Caroline.
197
00:08:47,203 --> 00:08:52,273
All right, well,
I'll be in my booth.
198
00:08:52,275 --> 00:08:55,877
You know, this wedding planner
thing is as crappy as the movie
199
00:08:55,879 --> 00:08:59,681
of the same name.
200
00:08:59,683 --> 00:09:02,083
Girls, I forgot to tell you,
201
00:09:02,085 --> 00:09:04,852
a man came by today
with this letter for you.
202
00:09:04,854 --> 00:09:10,425
This reminds me of when
I was a young, hot-shot courier.
203
00:09:10,427 --> 00:09:13,261
I was a young, hot-shot courier
once, too.
204
00:09:13,263 --> 00:09:17,865
I used to deliver drugs to my
mother at work on my tricycle.
205
00:09:17,867 --> 00:09:20,068
Oh, my God, Max,
you're not gonna believe this,
206
00:09:20,070 --> 00:09:23,404
but those two girls have issued
a Cease and Desist order.
207
00:09:23,406 --> 00:09:24,405
Those bitches.
208
00:09:24,407 --> 00:09:26,307
What's that?
209
00:09:26,309 --> 00:09:29,310
They're saying we have to stop
selling our T-shirts.
210
00:09:29,312 --> 00:09:30,945
That's what I told them
we were going to do.
211
00:09:30,947 --> 00:09:32,814
They even copied this idea.
212
00:09:32,816 --> 00:09:34,649
We need to get a lawyer.
213
00:09:34,651 --> 00:09:38,653
How? We can't even afford
Law & Order on iTunes.
214
00:09:38,655 --> 00:09:39,921
Hey, do you think we could
afford that lawyer
215
00:09:39,923 --> 00:09:41,623
on the subway billboards?
216
00:09:41,625 --> 00:09:45,660
The one who has a gavel in one
hand and a chicken in the other?
217
00:09:45,662 --> 00:09:50,298
I think he just
does acidentes.
218
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:51,933
What is going on here?
219
00:09:51,935 --> 00:09:53,501
There's food waiting
in the window,
220
00:09:53,503 --> 00:09:55,570
periodicals strewn about.
221
00:09:55,572 --> 00:09:58,673
Someone's on his periodical.
222
00:09:58,675 --> 00:10:00,174
Han, we just got served.
223
00:10:00,176 --> 00:10:04,479
At least someone
in the diner has.
224
00:10:04,481 --> 00:10:06,748
You're lucky your boss
is so chill.
225
00:10:06,750 --> 00:10:11,319
Of course you're chill, you're
one of Mr. Popper's penguins.
226
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,358
How about this?
227
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,827
We'll do the jobs
you already pay us for
228
00:10:19,829 --> 00:10:22,163
if you agree to pretend
to be our lawyer.
229
00:10:22,165 --> 00:10:23,464
You have a suit, right?
230
00:10:23,466 --> 00:10:24,966
Why would I pretend
to be a lawyer?
231
00:10:24,968 --> 00:10:29,637
You can't even pretend
to be waitresses.
232
00:10:29,639 --> 00:10:32,807
No one's gonna believe
Han's our lawyer, anyway.
233
00:10:32,809 --> 00:10:37,645
He can't pass the bar,
he can barely see over one.
234
00:10:37,647 --> 00:10:40,615
That's it! I've had it with you
two and your non-work ethic.
235
00:10:40,617 --> 00:10:42,350
And this area is for customers.
236
00:10:42,352 --> 00:10:44,185
I want these out of here!
237
00:10:44,187 --> 00:10:48,623
(Max)
Ow!
238
00:10:48,625 --> 00:10:49,891
Uh-oh.
239
00:10:49,893 --> 00:10:52,994
Max?
240
00:10:52,996 --> 00:10:56,197
I suppose I could dig up a suit
if that could, somehow,
241
00:10:56,199 --> 00:10:59,467
make this boss striking
his employee thing go away.
242
00:11:05,074 --> 00:11:07,942
Max, of course these girls
go to Dalby Hall,
243
00:11:07,944 --> 00:11:09,644
all my archenemies did.
244
00:11:09,646 --> 00:11:13,114
I guess Lady Gaga won
in the end, though.
245
00:11:13,116 --> 00:11:17,118
In other news,
I kind of like this eye-patch.
246
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:18,920
I know you do,
you were pretending to be
247
00:11:18,922 --> 00:11:21,622
the pirate queen
of the subway.
248
00:11:21,624 --> 00:11:25,626
Well, no one arrrrrgued with us.
249
00:11:25,628 --> 00:11:28,162
How long did the eye doctor
say you have to keep it on?
250
00:11:28,164 --> 00:11:30,465
And by eye doctor, I mean
that first-year med student
251
00:11:30,467 --> 00:11:33,000
we gave the free dessert to.
252
00:11:33,002 --> 00:11:35,336
A few days, which is a bummer,
'cause only seeing half
253
00:11:35,338 --> 00:11:39,674
of how sad we are
is kind of a blessing.
254
00:11:39,676 --> 00:11:41,275
How are we gonna find them?
255
00:11:41,277 --> 00:11:44,846
Follow the scent of our decaying
T-shirts business?
256
00:11:44,848 --> 00:11:47,615
According to Instagram,
they're in the cafeteria, see?
257
00:11:47,617 --> 00:11:49,984
Ashlin just posted a pic
of a mini-pizza.
258
00:11:49,986 --> 00:11:53,755
#thatpizzalife
259
00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:56,390
They have mini-pizzas
here?
260
00:11:56,392 --> 00:11:59,894
My high school
didn't even have heat.
261
00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:01,562
Sorry I'm late.
I had to pick up a suit
262
00:12:01,564 --> 00:12:03,097
at the Men's Warehouse.
263
00:12:03,099 --> 00:12:07,435
Don't you mean
the Not Quite A Man's Warehouse?
264
00:12:07,437 --> 00:12:10,671
Han, I love your lawyer costume.
So authentic.
265
00:12:10,673 --> 00:12:13,708
Only thing missing is the hole
where your soul should be.
266
00:12:13,710 --> 00:12:16,110
Well, as I always say, if you're
going to do something--
267
00:12:16,112 --> 00:12:22,083
Do it with your left hand so it
will feel like someone else?
268
00:12:22,085 --> 00:12:25,553
No, if you're going to do
something, do it right.
269
00:12:25,555 --> 00:12:28,890
Last Halloween, I went as Sprout
from the Green Giant commercial
270
00:12:28,892 --> 00:12:33,194
and I even put pea pods
over my pee-pee.
271
00:12:33,196 --> 00:12:36,030
You laugh, but I won $500.
272
00:12:36,032 --> 00:12:38,633
Okay, I created my own
Cease and Desist order.
273
00:12:38,635 --> 00:12:40,535
Where did you get this?
274
00:12:40,537 --> 00:12:42,069
Same place Max printed
out that fake,
275
00:12:42,071 --> 00:12:44,438
"I don't have herpes"
doctor certificate.
276
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,541
It works.
277
00:12:46,543 --> 00:12:49,243
And here's your business card.
278
00:12:49,245 --> 00:12:50,711
Where?
Where is it?
279
00:12:50,713 --> 00:12:53,714
I can't see.
280
00:12:53,716 --> 00:12:57,351
Here. And Han, I hope
you're a better actor than Max.
281
00:12:57,353 --> 00:13:01,823
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
is a better actor than Max.
282
00:13:01,825 --> 00:13:02,990
Mr. Lu Su?
283
00:13:02,992 --> 00:13:03,991
That's what you came up with?
284
00:13:03,993 --> 00:13:06,127
Mr. Lu Su?
285
00:13:06,129 --> 00:13:11,332
Well, you're a lawyer, so the
"Su" part is totally on point.
286
00:13:11,334 --> 00:13:12,733
But Lu Su?
287
00:13:12,735 --> 00:13:15,002
No Asian was ever named that.
288
00:13:15,004 --> 00:13:17,371
Maybe not in this galaxy,
289
00:13:17,373 --> 00:13:23,177
but might I remind you
of a Mr. Sulu.
290
00:13:23,179 --> 00:13:27,381
Oh, yeah. I mixed it up.
Genius!
291
00:13:27,383 --> 00:13:29,150
Han, you don't have to
use the cards.
292
00:13:29,152 --> 00:13:30,585
I can make it work.
293
00:13:30,587 --> 00:13:32,420
Two Halloweens ago,
I was an Ewok
294
00:13:32,422 --> 00:13:36,324
and turned an orange bath-towel
into a turban.
295
00:13:36,326 --> 00:13:38,993
Second place. $250.
296
00:13:38,995 --> 00:13:39,994
And next Halloween,
you can wear that
297
00:13:39,996 --> 00:13:43,164
and goes as a lesbian minister.
298
00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:48,936
Okay, so the plan is,
we go in there
299
00:13:48,938 --> 00:13:51,005
and calmly confront them
with our attorney.
300
00:13:51,007 --> 00:13:52,440
I'll do the talking.
301
00:13:52,442 --> 00:13:54,575
Han, you stand there
and try to look smart.
302
00:13:54,577 --> 00:14:00,081
Ah. I'm already Asian.
So, done.
303
00:14:00,083 --> 00:14:03,084
[indistinct chatter]
304
00:14:03,086 --> 00:14:06,020
Wow, this brings me back.
305
00:14:06,022 --> 00:14:08,856
I had a seat at the popular
table, the Debate Team table,
306
00:14:08,858 --> 00:14:10,157
the Student Council table,
307
00:14:10,159 --> 00:14:12,126
and the Waiting For Marriage
table.
308
00:14:12,128 --> 00:14:13,461
But that table
kind of fell apart
309
00:14:13,463 --> 00:14:15,863
when everybody
got pregnant but me.
310
00:14:15,865 --> 00:14:19,667
I ate in the school
parking lot with a wino.
311
00:14:19,669 --> 00:14:22,870
He was so nice to me,
I thought he might be my dad.
312
00:14:22,872 --> 00:14:24,338
But then he never made
a move on me,
313
00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:26,540
so I guess he wasn't.
314
00:14:26,542 --> 00:14:28,676
(Kemberly)
Attention everyone, attention.
315
00:14:28,678 --> 00:14:31,779
Yeah, attention everyone,
attention.
316
00:14:31,781 --> 00:14:34,882
Ashlin and I are here today
to sell our T-shirts
317
00:14:34,884 --> 00:14:38,119
and to talk about bullying
and how it's not cool.
318
00:14:38,121 --> 00:14:39,553
It's so not cool.
319
00:14:39,555 --> 00:14:41,555
I was talking, Ash.
320
00:14:41,557 --> 00:14:44,692
Yeah, she was talking.
321
00:14:44,694 --> 00:14:47,161
Their charity is bullying?
322
00:14:47,163 --> 00:14:52,400
That's like Kanye West trying
to raise money for laying low.
323
00:14:52,402 --> 00:14:55,369
A $3 donation will be made
to our anti-bullying fund
324
00:14:55,371 --> 00:14:58,406
with each purchase of one
of our super, super cute tees.
325
00:14:58,408 --> 00:15:01,075
Super, super cute tees.
326
00:15:01,077 --> 00:15:03,144
My super cute tee!
327
00:15:03,146 --> 00:15:04,879
Best idea I ever had.
328
00:15:04,881 --> 00:15:06,981
Right up there with the bong
with a chin strap
329
00:15:06,983 --> 00:15:10,618
so you could be hands-free
to change the channel.
330
00:15:10,620 --> 00:15:13,287
So buy a shirt right now
and then we'll be back later
331
00:15:13,289 --> 00:15:15,556
for the rest of the anti-bully
talk.
332
00:15:15,558 --> 00:15:17,625
Yeah, buy them
or my dad won't pay
333
00:15:17,627 --> 00:15:20,161
for the lacrosse
equipment this year.
334
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:26,600
Let's go.
They are making a fortune on us.
335
00:15:26,602 --> 00:15:30,671
And if I'm gonna get screwed,
it better be by someone over 21
336
00:15:30,673 --> 00:15:33,975
Yeah, that sounds like a job
with a two drink minimum.
337
00:15:33,977 --> 00:15:38,112
Han, don't mess this up or
you'll be eating those glasses.
338
00:15:38,114 --> 00:15:41,849
Might I interest you
in an anti-bullying pamphlet?
339
00:15:41,851 --> 00:15:44,785
Might I interest you in a seat
on my finger?
340
00:15:44,787 --> 00:15:47,355
Hey, how did you two
get in here?
341
00:15:47,357 --> 00:15:49,824
The school pays guards out front
to keep out the homeless.
342
00:15:49,826 --> 00:15:51,692
Yeah, well, jokes on you.
343
00:15:51,694 --> 00:15:54,929
'Cause they just let us walk in.
344
00:15:54,931 --> 00:15:57,365
Hello, girls.
You can "Cease and Desist"
345
00:15:57,367 --> 00:15:59,400
selling our T-shirts as of now.
346
00:15:59,402 --> 00:16:01,369
This is
our attorney, Mr....
347
00:16:01,371 --> 00:16:02,937
Lu Su.
348
00:16:02,939 --> 00:16:05,106
And he is holding our
Cease and Desist
349
00:16:05,108 --> 00:16:08,709
to counter your
Cease and Desist.
350
00:16:08,711 --> 00:16:10,945
Okay, well, first,
your lawyer looks like a teacher
351
00:16:10,947 --> 00:16:13,547
on a Disney show.
352
00:16:13,549 --> 00:16:16,617
Is that a bad thing?
353
00:16:16,619 --> 00:16:18,019
And if you have anything
further to say,
354
00:16:18,021 --> 00:16:20,254
you can take it up
with my lawyer. Her dad.
355
00:16:20,256 --> 00:16:22,023
And he's real good.
356
00:16:22,025 --> 00:16:25,526
He got that CEO guy who admitted
he killed his whole family
357
00:16:25,528 --> 00:16:28,029
out on a technicality.
358
00:16:28,031 --> 00:16:29,930
I forgot how mean girls can be.
359
00:16:29,932 --> 00:16:32,800
How? I'm your roommate.
360
00:16:32,802 --> 00:16:35,536
Thank you, Kemberly.
Thank you, Ashlin.
361
00:16:39,107 --> 00:16:40,107
A little help.
362
00:16:46,248 --> 00:16:49,750
Hello, girls,
you all look very nice.
363
00:16:49,752 --> 00:16:51,652
What is he doing?
364
00:16:51,654 --> 00:16:55,389
Hopefully a tight ten and then
he'll bring up the headliner.
365
00:16:55,391 --> 00:16:57,358
This may be hard to believe,
looking at me
366
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,226
in this totally awesome suit,
367
00:16:59,228 --> 00:17:02,229
but I know a little something
about being bullied.
368
00:17:02,231 --> 00:17:03,631
As a little child--
369
00:17:03,633 --> 00:17:06,367
And as a slightly bigger adult.
370
00:17:06,369 --> 00:17:09,637
Seriously? In the middle of his
bullying speech, your bullying?
371
00:17:09,639 --> 00:17:13,074
Kind of surprised even myself.
372
00:17:13,076 --> 00:17:15,076
I have someone who bullies me.
373
00:17:15,078 --> 00:17:17,978
Okay, let's get out
of here while I can.
374
00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:20,581
It's not just the hitting
and the name-calling.
375
00:17:20,583 --> 00:17:23,717
Although, not gonna lie,
that's a real bummer.
376
00:17:23,719 --> 00:17:26,887
You see, girls, the bad thing
about being bullied
377
00:17:26,889 --> 00:17:30,925
is that every time it happens,
it steals a little piece
378
00:17:30,927 --> 00:17:32,493
of who you are.
379
00:17:32,495 --> 00:17:36,363
And then, if it happens enough,
little by little,
380
00:17:36,365 --> 00:17:41,268
you become just a little less
of who you were meant to be.
381
00:17:41,270 --> 00:17:43,003
And that's not cool.
382
00:17:43,005 --> 00:17:45,172
And these two girls up here,
without knowing it, I'm sure,
383
00:17:45,174 --> 00:17:48,676
stole a little piece
of Max and Caroline.
384
00:17:48,678 --> 00:17:51,378
when they stole
their little idea.
385
00:17:51,380 --> 00:17:53,914
And that's so not cool.
386
00:17:53,916 --> 00:17:57,084
Yeah, that's so not cool.
387
00:17:57,086 --> 00:17:59,787
Max, Caroline,
we'll stop making the shirts.
388
00:17:59,789 --> 00:18:01,322
Ash, I never said that.
389
00:18:01,324 --> 00:18:03,958
Ah, no, Kemberly.
I did.
390
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,827
And I liked you more
before the lap-band.
391
00:18:06,829 --> 00:18:09,330
When you were still Kimberly
with an "I."
392
00:18:09,332 --> 00:18:11,332
[gasping]
393
00:18:12,868 --> 00:18:15,870
[cheering]
394
00:18:21,176 --> 00:18:24,512
Max, did Han just save us?
395
00:18:24,514 --> 00:18:26,280
I wasn't listening,
I was putting mini-pizzas
396
00:18:26,282 --> 00:18:27,848
in my pocket.
397
00:18:36,191 --> 00:18:39,226
Girls, your shift started
40 minutes ago.
398
00:18:39,228 --> 00:18:43,464
What are you doing here
so early?
399
00:18:43,466 --> 00:18:46,300
Earl, good news.
We are now the sole owners
400
00:18:46,302 --> 00:18:48,469
of all those cupcake T-shirts.
401
00:18:48,471 --> 00:18:51,405
And, literally, nothing else.
402
00:18:51,407 --> 00:18:53,541
Maybe I could rent a parrot
and pick up some shifts
403
00:18:53,543 --> 00:18:55,943
at Long John Silver's.
404
00:18:55,945 --> 00:18:57,411
Hey, girls.
405
00:18:57,413 --> 00:18:59,446
I'm about to meet
another wedding planner.
406
00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:01,582
And this one's gonna be good!
407
00:19:01,584 --> 00:19:04,752
He's gay.
408
00:19:04,754 --> 00:19:06,654
Sophie Kuchenski?
409
00:19:06,656 --> 00:19:08,923
Yes, God!
410
00:19:08,925 --> 00:19:11,225
From the second I walked
in here, I said to myself,
411
00:19:11,227 --> 00:19:13,727
"That has to be her."
And I can see it.
412
00:19:13,729 --> 00:19:19,133
We're going to make
magic together.
413
00:19:19,135 --> 00:19:23,771
Yeah, what's gay for no?
414
00:19:23,773 --> 00:19:27,341
Okay.
415
00:19:27,343 --> 00:19:31,412
Wow, I think we just survived
a "torgaydo."
416
00:19:33,582 --> 00:19:37,151
Where am I gonna find another
gay wedding planner
417
00:19:37,153 --> 00:19:41,822
in New York now?
418
00:19:41,824 --> 00:19:43,324
Just throw a tantrum
in a Crate & Barrel,
419
00:19:43,326 --> 00:19:48,696
and five of them
will come running.
420
00:19:48,698 --> 00:19:51,498
Hey, nice legal work today.
421
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:55,269
You should be on the
Little People's Court.
422
00:19:55,271 --> 00:19:59,540
Yeah, from now on,
I'm calling you "Hanny Cochran."
423
00:19:59,542 --> 00:20:01,675
Okay.
Next time you want to thank me,
424
00:20:01,677 --> 00:20:04,044
just send me
an Edible Arrangement.
425
00:20:04,046 --> 00:20:07,548
I don't know many times
I have to drop that hint.
426
00:20:07,550 --> 00:20:13,120
But that's just, like,
a two-inch drop.
427
00:20:13,122 --> 00:20:15,522
Sorry.
I can't help myself.
428
00:20:15,524 --> 00:20:18,492
But I'm going to try because
I know I was the bully
429
00:20:18,494 --> 00:20:20,894
you were talking about
in that speech.
430
00:20:20,896 --> 00:20:24,665
What? I was talking about
the doorwoman in my building.
431
00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:25,799
I have to submit
to a purple-nurple
432
00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:29,637
just to get my mail.
433
00:20:29,639 --> 00:20:31,839
There's another woman?
434
00:20:31,841 --> 00:20:35,476
Max, I think Han
has a side bully.
435
00:20:35,478 --> 00:20:37,678
Well, I'll just have
to try harder.
436
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,414
Because if anyone is gonna
mercilessly nurple you
437
00:20:40,416 --> 00:20:44,685
into an early grave,
it's got to be me.
438
00:20:44,687 --> 00:20:47,221
I'd like to think so, Max.
439
00:20:47,223 --> 00:20:51,892
You'd also like to ride
in a car facing forwards.
440
00:20:53,762 --> 00:20:54,895
Back to normal.