1
00:00:02,178 --> 00:00:06,214
(Max)
Ah, it's like I'm back
in my mother's womb.
2
00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:15,157
Only, there's food here.
3
00:00:15,159 --> 00:00:17,993
(Caroline)
Ugh, those e-cigs
are so stupid.
4
00:00:17,995 --> 00:00:20,262
I mean, smoking real cigarettes
kills you,
5
00:00:20,264 --> 00:00:24,232
but smoking fake ones
makes me want to kill you.
6
00:00:24,234 --> 00:00:27,269
They're not smoking.
They're vaping.
7
00:00:27,271 --> 00:00:28,837
(Max)
Uh-oh.
He just passed it to her.
8
00:00:28,839 --> 00:00:32,507
Someone's getting date vaped.
9
00:00:32,509 --> 00:00:35,610
I just figured out
the new phones.
10
00:00:35,612 --> 00:00:38,346
Now I've got to figure out
how to smoke?
11
00:00:38,348 --> 00:00:40,215
If I wanted to learn
everything all over again,
12
00:00:40,217 --> 00:00:44,920
I would have had a stroke.
13
00:00:44,922 --> 00:00:48,190
(Max)
Hey guys, sorry, but you're not
allowed to do that in here.
14
00:00:48,192 --> 00:00:50,792
And I'm not talking about
your outfits.
15
00:00:50,794 --> 00:00:53,395
I'll get to those
when I bring the check.
16
00:00:53,397 --> 00:00:55,230
Relax, it's not a cigarette.
17
00:00:55,232 --> 00:00:56,465
It has a battery.
18
00:00:56,467 --> 00:01:00,735
Yeah, so does my vibrator,
but...
19
00:01:00,737 --> 00:01:03,538
can't use that in here either.
20
00:01:03,540 --> 00:01:04,639
[bell dinging]
21
00:01:04,641 --> 00:01:08,310
I didn't approve that rule.
22
00:01:08,312 --> 00:01:10,445
(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
23
00:01:10,447 --> 00:01:12,114
[cash register bell dings]
24
00:01:12,116 --> 00:01:15,684
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
25
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:25,227
Well, I think we ordered
too many of our cupcake tees.
26
00:01:25,229 --> 00:01:27,295
There are more
unworn shirts here
27
00:01:27,297 --> 00:01:31,299
than in Matthew MacConaughey's
closet.
28
00:01:31,301 --> 00:01:34,703
Hey, girls.
29
00:01:34,705 --> 00:01:36,404
Look at me.
30
00:01:36,406 --> 00:01:41,409
I got my Sunday bra on
'cause I just came from church.
31
00:01:41,411 --> 00:01:43,745
Was it my church?
32
00:01:43,747 --> 00:01:46,648
The Church of Latter-Day Sluts?
33
00:01:46,650 --> 00:01:49,885
Oleg and I are looking
for one to get married in.
34
00:01:49,887 --> 00:01:51,920
And it's got to have
a wheelchair ramp
35
00:01:51,922 --> 00:01:57,259
'cause I've got a lot of cousins
who were born without leg bones.
36
00:01:57,261 --> 00:01:59,661
I'm so excited for you, Sophie.
37
00:01:59,663 --> 00:02:02,664
You deserve all the happiness
in the world.
38
00:02:02,666 --> 00:02:05,901
I mean, so do I, but that's
obviously not happening.
39
00:02:05,903 --> 00:02:09,504
Are you done with
your pity-party?
40
00:02:09,506 --> 00:02:11,306
'Cause I got to speak to Max.
41
00:02:11,308 --> 00:02:15,510
Max, do you want to be
my maid of honor?
42
00:02:15,512 --> 00:02:21,149
I would rather be
eaten alive by a rabbit.
43
00:02:21,151 --> 00:02:26,454
Which would take a long time
and be a lot less embarrassing.
44
00:02:26,456 --> 00:02:27,622
And Sophie,
you don't really want me
45
00:02:27,624 --> 00:02:28,790
to be your maid of honor.
46
00:02:28,792 --> 00:02:32,327
That's right.
I don't.
47
00:02:32,329 --> 00:02:35,030
So why are we even
talking about it?
48
00:02:35,032 --> 00:02:38,099
Sophie, as honored as I am
that you asked,
49
00:02:38,101 --> 00:02:41,636
it's just not really my thing,
you know, man?
50
00:02:41,638 --> 00:02:44,005
Is this really not your thing?
51
00:02:44,007 --> 00:02:46,107
It's nobody's thing.
52
00:02:46,109 --> 00:02:47,709
You just do it
'cause you're supposed to,
53
00:02:47,711 --> 00:02:52,147
like bleaching your teeth
or your anus.
54
00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:59,287
Thank God I'm off the list,
55
00:02:59,289 --> 00:03:03,625
'cause that bridesmaid spa day
is gonna be rough.
56
00:03:03,627 --> 00:03:06,528
Look, I'm sorry, it's just,
I was a maid of honor
57
00:03:06,530 --> 00:03:10,365
in fifth grade when my mom
married her cult leader.
58
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:11,700
And then she was
my maid of honor
59
00:03:11,702 --> 00:03:14,603
when I married him a week later.
60
00:03:14,605 --> 00:03:17,439
So I'm kind of maid-of-honored
out.
61
00:03:17,441 --> 00:03:19,975
Maybe I'll get one of my old
sorority sisters
62
00:03:19,977 --> 00:03:21,743
to be my bridesmaid.
63
00:03:21,745 --> 00:03:24,379
I'm gonna go home and find out
64
00:03:24,381 --> 00:03:29,818
which one is still thin enough
to fly commercial.
65
00:03:29,820 --> 00:03:32,454
All right, where are we gonna
store all these shirts?
66
00:03:32,456 --> 00:03:33,922
It's already too crowded
in here
67
00:03:33,924 --> 00:03:37,225
with all the cupcakes, shame,
and failure.
68
00:03:37,227 --> 00:03:39,494
We'll sell some of these
at the cupcake window,
69
00:03:39,496 --> 00:03:40,962
20 of these
are already going
70
00:03:40,964 --> 00:03:42,664
to that fancy boutique
in Manhattan,
71
00:03:42,666 --> 00:03:44,766
and the rest,
maybe we'll get lucky
72
00:03:44,768 --> 00:03:48,169
and find a gay
little league team.
73
00:03:48,171 --> 00:03:49,604
Oh, I know!
74
00:03:49,606 --> 00:03:51,906
Let's get drunk.
75
00:03:51,908 --> 00:03:53,808
That's your solution
to everything.
76
00:03:53,810 --> 00:03:55,277
Seriously.
77
00:03:55,279 --> 00:03:56,578
We need to just take some
to that new bar
78
00:03:56,580 --> 00:03:59,648
where idiots pay $20
for a drink.
79
00:03:59,650 --> 00:04:03,652
Drunk and stupid,
that's our target audience.
80
00:04:03,654 --> 00:04:07,522
And also, the special skills
I've listed on my resume.
81
00:04:07,524 --> 00:04:10,091
So you're saying we're gonna
stoop so low
82
00:04:10,093 --> 00:04:14,663
as to sell T-shirts
out of a duffle bag in a bar?
83
00:04:14,665 --> 00:04:16,097
Yeah, we're there.
84
00:04:23,739 --> 00:04:25,340
How much do you think
this pays?
85
00:04:25,342 --> 00:04:26,541
'Cause I can do that.
86
00:04:26,543 --> 00:04:27,776
Yes, you can.
87
00:04:27,778 --> 00:04:31,246
All you need is a stepladder
and boobs.
88
00:04:31,248 --> 00:04:33,381
Feel like the Star Trek:
Next Generation bar.
89
00:04:33,383 --> 00:04:37,018
Keep your eyes peeled for
Whoopi Goldberg in a crazy hat.
90
00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:39,454
I can't believe I'm selling
T-shirts out of a duffle bag
91
00:04:39,456 --> 00:04:40,955
in the future, too.
92
00:04:40,957 --> 00:04:44,225
Yeah. I fully support mixing
business and pleasure.
93
00:04:44,227 --> 00:04:48,363
Best sex I ever had was
with my boss at a Panera Bread.
94
00:04:48,365 --> 00:04:50,265
I thought you said
the best sex you ever had
95
00:04:50,267 --> 00:04:52,534
was with a dude
with six fingers.
96
00:04:52,536 --> 00:04:54,135
Same guy.
97
00:04:54,137 --> 00:04:58,139
Man, could he make
a sandwich crazy fast.
98
00:04:58,141 --> 00:05:00,475
Hi. Want to buy a cool tee
for your girlfriend?
99
00:05:00,477 --> 00:05:02,510
Let me see if my girlfriend
wants a tee.
100
00:05:02,512 --> 00:05:05,980
You want a tee, honey?
101
00:05:05,982 --> 00:05:06,981
(Max)
Hey! Hey!
102
00:05:06,983 --> 00:05:08,149
Not so fast.
103
00:05:08,151 --> 00:05:09,851
They say "cream filled"
on the back.
104
00:05:09,853 --> 00:05:13,355
Huh, boys?
Anything?
105
00:05:13,357 --> 00:05:17,692
Wow, gays aren't fun
in the future.
106
00:05:17,694 --> 00:05:19,694
Hey.
107
00:05:19,696 --> 00:05:22,964
Jesus comes back
in the future.
108
00:05:22,966 --> 00:05:24,499
So what's in the bag?
109
00:05:24,501 --> 00:05:28,002
I've never met a girl at a bar
with actual baggage.
110
00:05:28,004 --> 00:05:32,974
That's funny because you mean
like emotional.
111
00:05:32,976 --> 00:05:34,509
You're really beautiful.
112
00:05:34,511 --> 00:05:39,080
Mmm. You weren't nearly
this hot in the book.
113
00:05:39,082 --> 00:05:40,682
So can I get you ladies
a drink?
114
00:05:40,684 --> 00:05:44,652
Sure, you could jut change
this water into wine.
115
00:05:44,654 --> 00:05:49,524
Can you, like, do this for me,
just, like, once?
116
00:05:49,526 --> 00:05:50,525
Drinks on me.
117
00:05:50,527 --> 00:05:53,728
Oh, lucky them.
118
00:05:53,730 --> 00:05:56,264
I haven't heard I'm beautiful
from a non-homeless person
119
00:05:56,266 --> 00:05:58,166
in months.
120
00:05:58,168 --> 00:06:01,236
Well, with that hair,
the jury's still out.
121
00:06:01,238 --> 00:06:03,605
Hey, can I kiss you?
122
00:06:03,607 --> 00:06:05,740
I suppose a peck wouldn't--
123
00:06:08,511 --> 00:06:12,347
Say what?
124
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,951
- I'm James.
- I'm wet.
125
00:06:16,953 --> 00:06:21,990
Because my arm was sitting
in water on the bar.
126
00:06:21,992 --> 00:06:23,491
That was so hot, Max.
127
00:06:23,493 --> 00:06:26,127
I have, like, this animal
attraction to him.
128
00:06:26,129 --> 00:06:29,297
What animal?
The Horny Nerd?
129
00:06:29,299 --> 00:06:31,633
Look, I'll leave.
You stay and do your thing.
130
00:06:31,635 --> 00:06:33,768
- But we came together.
- Yeah, I know you guys did.
131
00:06:33,770 --> 00:06:36,671
It happened, like,
the second he kissed you.
132
00:06:36,673 --> 00:06:38,506
I don't do this.
I just met him.
133
00:06:38,508 --> 00:06:39,641
Look, Caroline.
134
00:06:39,643 --> 00:06:40,842
I haven't read the Bible.
135
00:06:40,844 --> 00:06:43,311
But I know that when Jesus
returns,
136
00:06:43,313 --> 00:06:46,781
you must follow him
back to his apartment.
137
00:06:46,783 --> 00:06:48,316
Let go...
138
00:06:48,318 --> 00:06:49,818
let God...
139
00:06:49,820 --> 00:06:50,819
get to third base.
140
00:06:58,861 --> 00:07:00,462
Max, where's Caroline?
141
00:07:00,464 --> 00:07:01,896
I haven't seen her all day.
142
00:07:01,898 --> 00:07:03,465
But I'm guessing
she's in heaven.
143
00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:04,799
[footsteps approaching]
144
00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:05,934
I'm here, I'm here.
145
00:07:05,936 --> 00:07:09,070
Nope, she's in hell.
146
00:07:09,072 --> 00:07:13,208
Walk of shame,
party of one.
147
00:07:13,210 --> 00:07:14,642
Girl.
148
00:07:14,644 --> 00:07:18,112
Gir-irl!
149
00:07:18,114 --> 00:07:19,814
Tell me everything
that happened.
150
00:07:19,816 --> 00:07:21,316
Leave out no details.
151
00:07:21,318 --> 00:07:23,985
It was insane.
I mean, like, so hot.
152
00:07:23,987 --> 00:07:26,454
Like the Caribbean
or our shower that one time.
153
00:07:26,456 --> 00:07:29,457
[screaming]
154
00:07:29,459 --> 00:07:31,392
What are you two celebrating?
155
00:07:31,394 --> 00:07:34,295
I know it isn't
a job well done.
156
00:07:36,398 --> 00:07:38,066
We are celebrating
the release
157
00:07:38,068 --> 00:07:40,435
of the new Star Wars:
Episode VII trailer online.
158
00:07:40,437 --> 00:07:42,337
Seriously?
[giddy laughter]
159
00:07:47,142 --> 00:07:49,577
Max, we did everything.
160
00:07:49,579 --> 00:07:50,778
We--
161
00:07:50,780 --> 00:07:52,347
Oleg, can you give us
some privacy?
162
00:07:52,349 --> 00:07:53,515
What?
163
00:07:53,517 --> 00:07:54,682
I can't be in the ladies' room.
164
00:07:54,684 --> 00:07:56,184
I can't be in the kitchen.
165
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:03,892
So did you...
166
00:08:03,894 --> 00:08:05,260
No.
167
00:08:05,262 --> 00:08:07,862
Well, did you...
168
00:08:07,864 --> 00:08:10,365
No!
169
00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:12,433
Well, did you at least...
170
00:08:12,435 --> 00:08:15,403
Oh, God, no!
171
00:08:15,405 --> 00:08:16,404
Well, what did you do?
172
00:08:16,406 --> 00:08:20,174
Water a plant together?
173
00:08:20,176 --> 00:08:22,710
We had sex.
174
00:08:22,712 --> 00:08:24,212
Last night and today.
175
00:08:24,214 --> 00:08:25,914
That's a big thing for me.
176
00:08:25,916 --> 00:08:29,684
And, yes, it was.
177
00:08:29,686 --> 00:08:32,754
Yes. That was obvious
in the bar.
178
00:08:32,756 --> 00:08:35,890
Skinny jeans are just
boner X-rays.
179
00:08:38,127 --> 00:08:39,427
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
180
00:08:39,429 --> 00:08:42,230
What, rat in the slaw again?
181
00:08:42,232 --> 00:08:43,231
My rings.
182
00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:45,033
I left them at his place.
183
00:08:45,035 --> 00:08:46,034
I have to get them back.
184
00:08:46,036 --> 00:08:47,769
They're half my belongings.
185
00:08:47,771 --> 00:08:51,272
So just text him and say,
"Yo, I left my rings,
186
00:08:51,274 --> 00:08:55,243
nice wiener,"
"100" emoji, send.
187
00:08:55,245 --> 00:08:57,845
Max, I can't text a guy first.
188
00:08:57,847 --> 00:09:01,983
It's bad enough I have a Groupon
for intimacy oil.
189
00:09:01,985 --> 00:09:06,321
Look, worst-case scenario,
the McRib is gone for good.
190
00:09:07,990 --> 00:09:10,992
Second worst-case scenario,
we can always implement
191
00:09:10,994 --> 00:09:12,060
the two-week rule.
192
00:09:12,062 --> 00:09:13,628
The two-week rule?
193
00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:15,330
Wait, isn't that how long
you have to eat Pad Thai
194
00:09:15,332 --> 00:09:17,365
before it becomes bad Thai?
195
00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:19,701
No, you really have
to read my book.
196
00:09:19,703 --> 00:09:21,970
It means if he doesn't text
for two weeks,
197
00:09:21,972 --> 00:09:26,708
you can break in
and get your stuff.
198
00:09:26,710 --> 00:09:29,510
All that fancy school
and you didn't learn nothing.
199
00:09:34,383 --> 00:09:37,218
Two weeks and nothing.
200
00:09:37,220 --> 00:09:39,554
I really thought he'd text.
201
00:09:39,556 --> 00:09:43,992
I also thought Grown Ups 2
should have won the Oscar.
202
00:09:43,994 --> 00:09:46,194
Still got it.
203
00:09:46,196 --> 00:09:47,261
Come on.
204
00:09:47,263 --> 00:09:48,896
[grunts]
205
00:09:48,898 --> 00:09:51,699
Wait, before I lose
the rest of my self-esteem...
206
00:09:51,701 --> 00:09:55,503
Tell that to the wall
you're currently straddling.
207
00:09:55,505 --> 00:09:57,905
Let me just check my phone
one more time to see if he--
208
00:09:57,907 --> 00:09:59,173
Nope.
209
00:09:59,175 --> 00:10:03,678
Self-esteem gone.
210
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,213
I'm afraid to jump.
211
00:10:05,215 --> 00:10:06,547
Jump, whore, jump!
212
00:10:06,549 --> 00:10:11,085
I sound like my mom
teaching me how to swim.
213
00:10:11,087 --> 00:10:12,787
[grunting]
214
00:10:12,789 --> 00:10:14,589
I did it.
I did it.
215
00:10:14,591 --> 00:10:15,690
That was, like, two feet.
216
00:10:15,692 --> 00:10:18,192
I've snorted lines longer.
217
00:10:18,194 --> 00:10:20,428
All right.
218
00:10:20,430 --> 00:10:22,263
Just another Tuesday.
219
00:10:22,265 --> 00:10:25,867
Going all Bling Ring
in Jesus' backyard.
220
00:10:25,869 --> 00:10:27,802
There.
That's his bedroom window.
221
00:10:27,804 --> 00:10:31,139
I know 'cause we had to close
it, since I'm kind of loud.
222
00:10:31,141 --> 00:10:33,241
Oh, what are you like
during sex?
223
00:10:35,644 --> 00:10:36,911
What do I do if he's home?
224
00:10:36,913 --> 00:10:38,212
Do you want me
to kill him fast,
225
00:10:38,214 --> 00:10:39,747
or do you want him to suffer?
226
00:10:39,749 --> 00:10:41,616
And by that, I mean,
do you want me to hold him
227
00:10:41,618 --> 00:10:44,252
while you ask him
why he didn't call?
228
00:10:44,254 --> 00:10:45,887
He's not home.
229
00:10:45,889 --> 00:10:47,789
According to this Instagram,
he's at Chipotle
230
00:10:47,791 --> 00:10:50,591
talking to a guy with a parrot
on his shoulder.
231
00:10:50,593 --> 00:10:52,727
He had no time to pop off
a text to me.
232
00:10:55,898 --> 00:10:59,567
Oh, it's stuck and I can't fit
my boobs through there.
233
00:10:59,569 --> 00:11:01,903
I can barely fit them
through the Holland Tunnel.
234
00:11:01,905 --> 00:11:03,805
Fine.
I'm going in.
235
00:11:03,807 --> 00:11:06,674
Finally, having no boobs
pays off.
236
00:11:06,676 --> 00:11:07,709
Lift my legs up.
237
00:11:07,711 --> 00:11:09,043
Okay, but your legs in the air
238
00:11:09,045 --> 00:11:13,848
kind of got you here
to begin with.
239
00:11:13,850 --> 00:11:16,150
- Uh-oh.
- What oh?
240
00:11:16,152 --> 00:11:18,820
I don't remember him
having a floral duvet.
241
00:11:18,822 --> 00:11:19,987
Or a bedside toilet.
242
00:11:19,989 --> 00:11:22,156
[barking]
243
00:11:22,158 --> 00:11:23,491
[growling]
244
00:11:23,493 --> 00:11:25,560
Or a dog.
Pull me out! Pull me out!
245
00:11:25,562 --> 00:11:26,861
You've got to read my book.
246
00:11:26,863 --> 00:11:29,263
I have a whole chapter
on pulling out.
247
00:11:29,265 --> 00:11:30,698
[whimpering]
248
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:33,334
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, stop licking me.
249
00:11:33,336 --> 00:11:35,203
(woman)
- Buster? Buster?
250
00:11:35,205 --> 00:11:36,537
Someone's coming.
251
00:11:36,539 --> 00:11:38,372
Someone's coming
or getting licked?
252
00:11:38,374 --> 00:11:41,042
Maybe you are
in the right apartment.
253
00:11:41,044 --> 00:11:42,677
[screaming]
254
00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:45,747
Get out of my house!
Get out of my house!
255
00:11:45,749 --> 00:11:47,915
No, no.
This is a big mistake.
256
00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:50,284
Ben, call the cops!
257
00:11:50,286 --> 00:11:54,956
We got another crack addict
here!
258
00:11:54,958 --> 00:11:57,959
We don't have crack here!
259
00:11:57,961 --> 00:12:03,297
We don't have crack here!
And tell your friends!
260
00:12:03,299 --> 00:12:05,433
[police sirens blaring]
261
00:12:16,278 --> 00:12:19,046
If these match the prints found
at an Arby's break-in in '07,
262
00:12:19,048 --> 00:12:22,316
it's purely coincidental.
263
00:12:22,318 --> 00:12:23,818
I can't believe
this is happening to me.
264
00:12:23,820 --> 00:12:25,520
My life is over.
265
00:12:25,522 --> 00:12:26,621
Look at the camera.
266
00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:31,793
I'm so humiliated.
267
00:12:31,795 --> 00:12:35,696
And turn to the side.
268
00:12:35,698 --> 00:12:40,902
Ma'am, this isn't
"Vogue: Behind Bars."
269
00:12:40,904 --> 00:12:44,172
Sorry, Officer,
she's a virgin.
270
00:12:44,174 --> 00:12:46,207
Me, myself, spent some time
in the juvie system
271
00:12:46,209 --> 00:12:47,708
up in Providence.
272
00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:49,377
You know a family court judge
named Shelly?
273
00:12:49,379 --> 00:12:51,579
No.
Go.
274
00:12:53,248 --> 00:12:54,682
Oh! Officer, hold.
275
00:12:58,887 --> 00:13:03,457
Thanks, but stay away during
the full-body cavity search.
276
00:13:03,459 --> 00:13:04,458
Proceed.
277
00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:05,560
You think?
278
00:13:09,298 --> 00:13:12,233
So you girls broke into
an old lady's house,
279
00:13:12,235 --> 00:13:17,271
got halfway through the window,
and stole absolutely nothing.
280
00:13:17,273 --> 00:13:19,307
Glad I am protecting
the city from you.
281
00:13:19,309 --> 00:13:22,910
I mean, ISIS who, right?
282
00:13:22,912 --> 00:13:25,413
All right.
Let's go.
283
00:13:25,415 --> 00:13:28,349
If he had just texted me,
none of this would be happening.
284
00:13:28,351 --> 00:13:29,917
I wouldn't be in prison,
I'd be home.
285
00:13:29,919 --> 00:13:31,786
My other prison.
286
00:13:31,788 --> 00:13:34,522
Uh, wait,
if who had texted you?
287
00:13:34,524 --> 00:13:37,024
Thanks for asking.
288
00:13:37,026 --> 00:13:38,793
This guy I slept with
didn't text me
289
00:13:38,795 --> 00:13:40,928
for two weeks after we had sex,
and I left my rings
290
00:13:40,930 --> 00:13:41,963
at his place, so I--
291
00:13:41,965 --> 00:13:46,801
You did the two-week rule?
292
00:13:46,803 --> 00:13:48,336
Yeah.
293
00:13:48,338 --> 00:13:50,438
But she got the wrong apartment
because, knowing her,
294
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,140
her eyes were closed
the whole time.
295
00:13:53,142 --> 00:13:54,976
Well, why didn't you say so?
296
00:13:54,978 --> 00:13:59,080
We got a two-week rule
over here!
297
00:13:59,082 --> 00:14:00,948
Stay right over here.
298
00:14:00,950 --> 00:14:02,617
We'll get you out soon.
299
00:14:02,619 --> 00:14:05,086
I left my billy club
at the Captain's house.
300
00:14:05,088 --> 00:14:09,190
He's got three more days.
301
00:14:09,192 --> 00:14:10,291
See? See?
302
00:14:10,293 --> 00:14:11,592
It's gonna be fine.
303
00:14:11,594 --> 00:14:13,127
We'll just chill here
for an hour.
304
00:14:13,129 --> 00:14:16,464
It's like an edgier
Lens Crafters.
305
00:14:16,466 --> 00:14:18,799
What am I gonna tell my father?
306
00:14:18,801 --> 00:14:21,102
A prisoned prison call?
307
00:14:21,104 --> 00:14:22,236
I can't be here.
308
00:14:22,238 --> 00:14:23,938
I can't be here!
309
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:25,439
No! No! Come back!
We were good!
310
00:14:25,441 --> 00:14:28,442
[alarm buzzing loudly]
311
00:14:28,444 --> 00:14:30,278
Dumb move.
312
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:34,248
Dumber than me and the Captain.
313
00:14:34,250 --> 00:14:38,152
Let me guess, our glasses
won't be ready in an hour.
314
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:50,164
I can't believe you got us
arrested in jail.
315
00:14:50,166 --> 00:14:51,165
Where are we going?
316
00:14:51,167 --> 00:14:54,068
I mean, besides nowhere in life.
317
00:14:54,070 --> 00:14:56,470
You girls lost your
get-out-of-jail-free card.
318
00:14:56,472 --> 00:14:58,539
You're gonna have to get someone
to bail you out.
319
00:14:58,541 --> 00:15:00,741
You're going
in the holding cell.
320
00:15:00,743 --> 00:15:04,211
Yo! Fresh meat!
321
00:15:04,213 --> 00:15:07,715
Sorry, I have a reputation
to uphold.
322
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:14,188
[Caroline whimpers]
323
00:15:14,190 --> 00:15:15,423
Max, I'm scared.
324
00:15:15,425 --> 00:15:17,091
I got this.
325
00:15:17,093 --> 00:15:19,827
Yo! She's already my bitch!
326
00:15:19,829 --> 00:15:23,931
So she can't be anyone else's.
Sorry.
327
00:15:23,933 --> 00:15:26,233
Hold my belt.
328
00:15:26,235 --> 00:15:29,236
- What?
- Do it!
329
00:15:29,238 --> 00:15:31,439
(Max)
'Sup, 'sup?
330
00:15:31,441 --> 00:15:34,008
Cool, cool.
331
00:15:34,010 --> 00:15:36,577
50 women, 1 toilet?
332
00:15:36,579 --> 00:15:40,881
It's like backstage at The View.
333
00:15:40,883 --> 00:15:43,084
Max, I can't handle this.
334
00:15:43,086 --> 00:15:44,452
I can't handle this.
335
00:15:44,454 --> 00:15:47,088
I couldn't even watch
The Green Mile.
336
00:15:47,090 --> 00:15:49,390
Relax.
This is play-jail.
337
00:15:49,392 --> 00:15:50,858
It's not like we're doing
real time.
338
00:15:50,860 --> 00:15:52,526
Just put on your game face.
339
00:15:52,528 --> 00:15:54,962
I don't have a game face.
340
00:15:54,964 --> 00:15:57,531
Unless the game is
"I Give Up, My Life Is Over,"
341
00:15:57,533 --> 00:16:00,601
then this will do.
342
00:16:00,603 --> 00:16:03,871
Well, do something, because
that's about to get wiped off
343
00:16:03,873 --> 00:16:05,773
your face by the bruiser
covered in tattoos
344
00:16:05,775 --> 00:16:08,509
making her way to us
right now.
345
00:16:08,511 --> 00:16:10,011
Hey!
346
00:16:10,013 --> 00:16:13,714
You guys signing up
for the talent show?
347
00:16:13,716 --> 00:16:15,383
Excuse me?
348
00:16:15,385 --> 00:16:18,319
Yeah. Some of us have been
in here for days,
349
00:16:18,321 --> 00:16:19,687
due to prison overcrowding.
350
00:16:19,689 --> 00:16:22,456
So the guards let us
put on a show.
351
00:16:22,458 --> 00:16:25,659
As long as nobody dies.
352
00:16:25,661 --> 00:16:28,129
Wow, prison has changed.
353
00:16:28,131 --> 00:16:30,031
Maybe I have a Norman Rockwell
idea of prison,
354
00:16:30,033 --> 00:16:32,066
but, uh, what happened to
shanking a snitch
355
00:16:32,068 --> 00:16:33,567
in the food line?
356
00:16:33,569 --> 00:16:36,670
Oh, a talent show,
that's not scary at all.
357
00:16:36,672 --> 00:16:39,173
You know,
I won my yacht club talent show
358
00:16:39,175 --> 00:16:42,076
three years in a row,
in the 10 to 13 division.
359
00:16:42,078 --> 00:16:43,544
That's crazy!
360
00:16:43,546 --> 00:16:47,415
I'm looking at 10 to 13
for grand theft auto.
361
00:16:47,417 --> 00:16:48,416
Where are my manners?
362
00:16:48,418 --> 00:16:50,051
I'm Tanaya.
363
00:16:50,053 --> 00:16:51,552
I'm Max.
This is Caroline.
364
00:16:51,554 --> 00:16:54,321
But you can call us
by our gang names,
365
00:16:54,323 --> 00:16:59,293
White Lightning and The Blade.
366
00:16:59,295 --> 00:17:02,063
Sophie, I need you to bail
me and Caroline out jail.
367
00:17:02,065 --> 00:17:03,664
We got charged with
breaking and entering,
368
00:17:03,666 --> 00:17:05,900
which is also what Caroline
let a guy do to her,
369
00:17:05,902 --> 00:17:08,769
and that's why we're here.
370
00:17:08,771 --> 00:17:11,072
Oh, jeez, Max.
371
00:17:11,074 --> 00:17:13,774
I mean, that's a tough call.
372
00:17:13,776 --> 00:17:18,179
I mean, I don't know if I can.
373
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:23,751
Yeah, it's really not my thing.
374
00:17:23,753 --> 00:17:28,355
You know, man?
375
00:17:28,357 --> 00:17:30,624
I get it.
I deserved that.
376
00:17:30,626 --> 00:17:33,761
I said no to you,
so you're saying no to me.
377
00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:38,265
Like the old saying,
"Tit for bigger tat."
378
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:40,034
Yeah.
Hmm.
379
00:17:40,036 --> 00:17:42,136
All right, let's see.
380
00:17:42,138 --> 00:17:47,108
Uh, I would bail
my maid of honor out of jail.
381
00:17:47,110 --> 00:17:48,609
Fine. Fine.
382
00:17:48,611 --> 00:17:50,177
I'll be your maid of honor.
383
00:17:50,179 --> 00:17:52,613
I'll buy you penis straws,
and those glasses
384
00:17:52,615 --> 00:17:54,448
where the nose is a penis.
385
00:17:54,450 --> 00:17:57,284
Yeah! And the penis-shaped
pasta?
386
00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:59,920
I'll do it all.
387
00:17:59,922 --> 00:18:03,290
I can handle the slammer, but
Caroline doesn't stand a chance.
388
00:18:03,292 --> 00:18:04,558
I saw a woman looking at her
389
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,095
like she was
a cartoon pork chop.
390
00:18:08,097 --> 00:18:10,464
Okay.
Well, I'll see you soon.
391
00:18:10,466 --> 00:18:11,699
And watch your back.
392
00:18:11,701 --> 00:18:13,367
Oh, you know what?
393
00:18:13,369 --> 00:18:16,770
It's a ladies' prison,
so watch your front.
394
00:18:23,945 --> 00:18:25,779
Is this your card?
395
00:18:25,781 --> 00:18:26,981
No.
396
00:18:26,983 --> 00:18:27,982
Yes!
397
00:18:27,984 --> 00:18:29,116
Yes, that's my card.
398
00:18:29,118 --> 00:18:31,952
Amazing.
399
00:18:31,954 --> 00:18:34,088
Okay.
What'd I miss?
400
00:18:34,090 --> 00:18:36,757
The magic show
and the improv troupe.
401
00:18:36,759 --> 00:18:37,758
They asked the audience
for a word.
402
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,261
I said, "Help."
403
00:18:40,263 --> 00:18:42,263
Sophie's coming down
with bail money,
404
00:18:42,265 --> 00:18:44,064
as soon as her turkey is out
of the oven.
405
00:18:44,066 --> 00:18:47,601
So 4, 4 1/2 hours,
depending on the stuffing.
406
00:18:47,603 --> 00:18:49,103
Thank God.
407
00:18:49,105 --> 00:18:51,005
Wait.
Bail for both of us, right?
408
00:18:51,007 --> 00:18:52,573
That wasn't her original offer.
409
00:18:52,575 --> 00:18:55,643
But after some negotiating,
we got there.
410
00:18:55,645 --> 00:18:57,211
What did you have to do to--
411
00:18:57,213 --> 00:18:58,679
Max, you didn't agree to--
412
00:18:58,681 --> 00:19:00,147
Yup.
413
00:19:00,149 --> 00:19:03,517
Picture me in something
low-cut and peach.
414
00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:06,253
A slutty peach.
415
00:19:06,255 --> 00:19:07,655
You'd do that for me?
416
00:19:07,657 --> 00:19:09,723
I'm touched and shocked.
417
00:19:09,725 --> 00:19:11,492
I thought you'd have forgotten
me, had sex with the door guard,
418
00:19:11,494 --> 00:19:14,395
and been halfway across
the parking lot by now.
419
00:19:14,397 --> 00:19:17,731
Yeah, well,
he wasn't into me, so...
420
00:19:24,606 --> 00:19:27,908
Walk of shame,
party of two.
421
00:19:27,910 --> 00:19:29,577
Girls, I heard
you got locked up.
422
00:19:29,579 --> 00:19:32,379
Yup. We have to do 30 hours
of community service.
423
00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:34,548
And Caroline won six minutes
of privacy on the toilet
424
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:35,849
in the talent show.
425
00:19:35,851 --> 00:19:37,785
Well, not so private.
426
00:19:37,787 --> 00:19:40,187
I had to tinkle while a woman
in work boots
427
00:19:40,189 --> 00:19:42,523
made heavy eye-contact.
428
00:19:42,525 --> 00:19:46,026
I went to prison once
for being at the wrong place
429
00:19:46,028 --> 00:19:47,027
at the wrong time.
430
00:19:47,029 --> 00:19:49,630
Meaning, I was down south.
431
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:55,302
Look who's back
from the big house.
432
00:19:55,304 --> 00:19:57,938
Every house is a big house
for you, Han.
433
00:19:57,940 --> 00:19:59,807
Watch your step, ex-con,
434
00:19:59,809 --> 00:20:05,212
or I'll get the to haul you back
in for impersonating a waitress.
435
00:20:05,214 --> 00:20:08,482
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I missed this place.
436
00:20:08,484 --> 00:20:11,218
When I was up in the pen, doing
time with my girl, Tanaya--
437
00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:15,089
Well, orange you the new black?
438
00:20:15,091 --> 00:20:17,992
So did you two have fun
in ladies' prison?
439
00:20:17,994 --> 00:20:20,127
And tell me, is it anything
like the 17 XXX movies
440
00:20:20,129 --> 00:20:22,930
I have with that title?
441
00:20:22,932 --> 00:20:25,833
Okay, so I lost two
of my best rings.
442
00:20:25,835 --> 00:20:27,801
So I'm out $11.
443
00:20:27,803 --> 00:20:29,970
I realized I'm tougher
than I thought.
444
00:20:29,972 --> 00:20:32,273
I sang in prison.
I had a one-night stand.
445
00:20:32,275 --> 00:20:35,409
I'm practically Johnny Cash.
446
00:20:35,411 --> 00:20:39,013
Well, Johnny No Cash.
447
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:41,682
[cash register bell dings]