(Max) Ah, it's like I'm back in my mother's womb.
Only, there's food here.
(Caroline) Ugh, those e-cigs are so stupid.
I mean, smoking real cigarettes kills you,
but smoking fake ones makes me want to kill you.
They're not smoking. They're vaping.
(Max) Uh-oh. He just passed it to her.
Someone's getting date vaped.
I just figured out the new phones.
Now I've got to figure out how to smoke?
If I wanted to learn everything all over again,
I would have had a stroke.
(Max) Hey guys, sorry, but you're not allowed to do that in here.
And I'm not talking about your outfits.
I'll get to those when I bring the check.
Relax, it's not a cigarette.
It has a battery.
Yeah, so does my vibrator, but...
can't use that in here either.
[bell dinging]
I didn't approve that rule.
(Peter Bjorn and John) ¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
[cash register bell dings]
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
Well, I think we ordered too many of our cupcake tees.
There are more unworn shirts here
than in Matthew MacConaughey's closet.
Hey, girls.
Look at me.
I got my Sunday bra on 'cause I just came from church.
Was it my church?
The Church of Latter-Day Sluts?
Oleg and I are looking for one to get married in.
And it's got to have a wheelchair ramp
'cause I've got a lot of cousins who were born without leg bones.
I'm so excited for you, Sophie.
You deserve all the happiness in the world.
I mean, so do I, but that's obviously not happening.
Are you done with your pity-party?
'Cause I got to speak to Max.
Max, do you want to be my maid of honor?
I would rather be eaten alive by a rabbit.
Which would take a long time and be a lot less embarrassing.
And Sophie, you don't really want me
to be your maid of honor.
That's right. I don't.
So why are we even talking about it?
Sophie, as honored as I am that you asked,
it's just not really my thing, you know, man?
Is this really not your thing?
It's nobody's thing.
You just do it 'cause you're supposed to,
like bleaching your teeth or your anus.
Thank God I'm off the list,
'cause that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough.
Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I was a maid of honor
in fifth grade when my mom married her cult leader.
And then she was my maid of honor
when I married him a week later.
So I'm kind of maid-of-honored out.
Maybe I'll get one of my old sorority sisters
to be my bridesmaid.
I'm gonna go home and find out
which one is still thin enough to fly commercial.
All right, where are we gonna store all these shirts?
It's already too crowded in here
with all the cupcakes, shame, and failure.
We'll sell some of these at the cupcake window,
20 of these are already going
to that fancy boutique in Manhattan,
and the rest, maybe we'll get lucky
and find a gay little league team.
Oh, I know!
Let's get drunk.
That's your solution to everything.
Seriously.
We need to just take some to that new bar
where idiots pay $20 for a drink.
Drunk and stupid, that's our target audience.
And also, the special skills I've listed on my resume.
So you're saying we're gonna stoop so low
as to sell T-shirts out of a duffle bag in a bar?
Yeah, we're there.
How much do you think this pays?
'Cause I can do that.
Yes, you can.
All you need is a stepladder and boobs.
Feel like the Star Trek: Next Generation bar.
Keep your eyes peeled for Whoopi Goldberg in a crazy hat.
I can't believe I'm selling T-shirts out of a duffle bag
in the future, too.
Yeah. I fully support mixing business and pleasure.
Best sex I ever had was with my boss at a Panera Bread.
I thought you said the best sex you ever had
was with a dude with six fingers.
Same guy.
Man, could he make a sandwich crazy fast.
Hi. Want to buy a cool tee for your girlfriend?
Let me see if my girlfriend wants a tee.
You want a tee, honey?
(Max) Hey! Hey!
Not so fast.
They say "cream filled" on the back.
Huh, boys? Anything?
Wow, gays aren't fun in the future.
Hey.
Jesus comes back in the future.
So what's in the bag?
I've never met a girl at a bar with actual baggage.
That's funny because you mean like emotional.
You're really beautiful.
Mmm. You weren't nearly this hot in the book.
So can I get you ladies a drink?
Sure, you could jut change this water into wine.
Can you, like, do this for me, just, like, once?
Drinks on me.
Oh, lucky them.
I haven't heard I'm beautiful from a non-homeless person
in months.
Well, with that hair, the jury's still out.
Hey, can I kiss you?
I suppose a peck wouldn't--
Say what?
- I'm James. - I'm wet.
Because my arm was sitting in water on the bar.
That was so hot, Max.
I have, like, this animal attraction to him.
What animal? The Horny Nerd?
Look, I'll leave. You stay and do your thing.
- But we came together. - Yeah, I know you guys did.
It happened, like, the second he kissed you.
I don't do this. I just met him.
Look, Caroline.
I haven't read the Bible.
But I know that when Jesus returns,
you must follow him back to his apartment.
Let go...
let God...
get to third base.
Max, where's Caroline?
I haven't seen her all day.
But I'm guessing she's in heaven.
[footsteps approaching]
I'm here, I'm here.
Nope, she's in hell.
Walk of shame, party of one.
Girl.
Gir-irl!
Tell me everything that happened.
Leave out no details.
It was insane. I mean, like, so hot.
Like the Caribbean or our shower that one time.
[screaming]
What are you two celebrating?
I know it isn't a job well done.
We are celebrating the release
of the new Star Wars: Episode VII trailer online.
Seriously? [giddy laughter]
Max, we did everything.
We--
Oleg, can you give us some privacy?
What?
I can't be in the ladies' room.
I can't be in the kitchen.
So did you...
No.
Well, did you...
No!
Well, did you at least...
Oh, God, no!
Well, what did you do?
Water a plant together?
We had sex.
Last night and today.
That's a big thing for me.
And, yes, it was.
Yes. That was obvious in the bar.
Skinny jeans are just boner X-rays.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
What, rat in the slaw again?
My rings.
I left them at his place.
I have to get them back.
They're half my belongings.
So just text him and say, "Yo, I left my rings,
nice wiener," "100" emoji, send.
Max, I can't text a guy first.
It's bad enough I have a Groupon for intimacy oil.
Look, worst-case scenario, the McRib is gone for good.
Second worst-case scenario, we can always implement
the two-week rule.
The two-week rule?
Wait, isn't that how long you have to eat Pad Thai
before it becomes bad Thai?
No, you really have to read my book.
It means if he doesn't text for two weeks,
you can break in and get your stuff.
All that fancy school and you didn't learn nothing.
Two weeks and nothing.
I really thought he'd text.
I also thought Grown Ups 2 should have won the Oscar.
Still got it.
Come on.
[grunts]
Wait, before I lose the rest of my self-esteem...
Tell that to the wall you're currently straddling.
Let me just check my phone one more time to see if he--
Nope.
Self-esteem gone.
I'm afraid to jump.
Jump, whore, jump!
I sound like my mom teaching me how to swim.
[grunting]
I did it. I did it.
That was, like, two feet.
I've snorted lines longer.
All right.
Just another Tuesday.
Going all Bling Ring in Jesus' backyard.
There. That's his bedroom window.
I know 'cause we had to close it, since I'm kind of loud.
Oh, what are you like during sex?
What do I do if he's home?
Do you want me to kill him fast,
or do you want him to suffer?
And by that, I mean, do you want me to hold him
while you ask him why he didn't call?
He's not home.
According to this Instagram, he's at Chipotle
talking to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.
He had no time to pop off a text to me.
Oh, it's stuck and I can't fit my boobs through there.
I can barely fit them through the Holland Tunnel.
Fine. I'm going in.
Finally, having no boobs pays off.
Lift my legs up.
Okay, but your legs in the air
kind of got you here to begin with.
- Uh-oh. - What oh?
I don't remember him having a floral duvet.
Or a bedside toilet.
[barking]
[growling]
Or a dog. Pull me out! Pull me out!
You've got to read my book.
I have a whole chapter on pulling out.
[whimpering]
No, no, no, no, no! Oh, stop licking me.
(woman) - Buster? Buster?
Someone's coming.
Someone's coming or getting licked?
Maybe you are in the right apartment.
[screaming]
Get out of my house! Get out of my house!
No, no. This is a big mistake.
Ben, call the cops!
We got another crack addict here!
We don't have crack here!
And tell your friends!
[police sirens blaring]
If these match the prints found at an Arby's break-in in '07,
it's purely coincidental.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
My life is over.
Look at the camera.
I'm so humiliated.
And turn to the side.
Ma'am, this isn't "Vogue: Behind Bars."
Sorry, Officer, she's a virgin.
Me, myself, spent some time in the juvie system
up in Providence.
You know a family court judge named Shelly?
No. Go.
Oh! Officer, hold.
Thanks, but stay away during the full-body cavity search.
Proceed.
You think?
So you girls broke into an old lady's house,
got halfway through the window, and stole absolutely nothing.
Glad I am protecting the city from you.
I mean, ISIS who, right?
All right. Let's go.
If he had just texted me, none of this would be happening.
I wouldn't be in prison, I'd be home.
My other prison.
Uh, wait, if who had texted you?
Thanks for asking.
This guy I slept with didn't text me
for two weeks after we had sex, and I left my rings
at his place, so I--
You did the two-week rule?
Yeah.
But she got the wrong apartment because, knowing her,
her eyes were closed the whole time.
Well, why didn't you say so?
We got a two-week rule over here!
Stay right over here.
We'll get you out soon.
I left my billy club at the Captain's house.
He's got three more days.
See? See?
It's gonna be fine.
We'll just chill here for an hour.
It's like an edgier Lens Crafters.
What am I gonna tell my father?
A prisoned prison call?
I can't be here.
I can't be here!
No! No! Come back! We were good!
[alarm buzzing loudly]
Dumb move.
Dumber than me and the Captain.
Let me guess, our glasses won't be ready in an hour.
I can't believe you got us arrested in jail.
Where are we going?
I mean, besides nowhere in life.
You girls lost your get-out-of-jail-free card.
You're gonna have to get someone to bail you out.
You're going in the holding cell.
Yo! Fresh meat!
Sorry, I have a reputation to uphold.
[Caroline whimpers]
Max, I'm scared.
I got this.
Yo! She's already my bitch!
So she can't be anyone else's. Sorry.
Hold my belt.
- What? - Do it!
(Max) 'Sup, 'sup?
Cool, cool.
50 women, 1 toilet?
It's like backstage at The View.
Max, I can't handle this.
I can't handle this.
I couldn't even watch The Green Mile.
Relax. This is play-jail.
It's not like we're doing real time.
Just put on your game face.
I don't have a game face.
Unless the game is "I Give Up, My Life Is Over,"
then this will do.
Well, do something, because that's about to get wiped off
your face by the bruiser covered in tattoos
making her way to us right now.
Hey!
You guys signing up for the talent show?
Excuse me?
Yeah. Some of us have been in here for days,
due to prison overcrowding.
So the guards let us put on a show.
As long as nobody dies.
Wow, prison has changed.
Maybe I have a Norman Rockwell idea of prison,
but, uh, what happened to shanking a snitch
in the food line?
Oh, a talent show, that's not scary at all.
You know, I won my yacht club talent show
three years in a row, in the 10 to 13 division.
That's crazy!
I'm looking at 10 to 13 for grand theft auto.
Where are my manners?
I'm Tanaya.
I'm Max. This is Caroline.
But you can call us by our gang names,
White Lightning and The Blade.
Sophie, I need you to bail me and Caroline out jail.
We got charged with breaking and entering,
which is also what Caroline let a guy do to her,
and that's why we're here.
Oh, jeez, Max.
I mean, that's a tough call.
I mean, I don't know if I can.
Yeah, it's really not my thing.
You know, man?
I get it. I deserved that.
I said no to you, so you're saying no to me.
Like the old saying, "Tit for bigger tat."
Yeah. Hmm.
All right, let's see.
Uh, I would bail my maid of honor out of jail.
Fine. Fine.
I'll be your maid of honor.
I'll buy you penis straws, and those glasses
where the nose is a penis.
Yeah! And the penis-shaped pasta?
I'll do it all.
I can handle the slammer, but Caroline doesn't stand a chance.
I saw a woman looking at her
like she was a cartoon pork chop.
Okay. Well, I'll see you soon.
And watch your back.
Oh, you know what?
It's a ladies' prison, so watch your front.
Is this your card?
No.
Yes!
Yes, that's my card.
Amazing.
Okay. What'd I miss?
The magic show and the improv troupe.
They asked the audience for a word.
I said, "Help."
Sophie's coming down with bail money,
as soon as her turkey is out of the oven.
So 4, 4 1/2 hours, depending on the stuffing.
Thank God.
Wait. Bail for both of us, right?
That wasn't her original offer.
But after some negotiating, we got there.
What did you have to do to--
Max, you didn't agree to--
Yup.
Picture me in something low-cut and peach.
A slutty peach.
You'd do that for me?
I'm touched and shocked.
I thought you'd have forgotten me, had sex with the door guard,
and been halfway across the parking lot by now.
Yeah, well, he wasn't into me, so...
Walk of shame, party of two.
Girls, I heard you got locked up.
Yup. We have to do 30 hours of community service.
And Caroline won six minutes of privacy on the toilet
in the talent show.
Well, not so private.
I had to tinkle while a woman in work boots
made heavy eye-contact.
I went to prison once for being at the wrong place
at the wrong time.
Meaning, I was down south.
Look who's back from the big house.
Every house is a big house for you, Han.
Watch your step, ex-con,
or I'll get the to haul you back in for impersonating a waitress.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I missed this place.
When I was up in the pen, doing time with my girl, Tanaya--
Well, orange you the new black?
So did you two have fun in ladies' prison?
And tell me, is it anything like the 17 XXX movies
I have with that title?
Okay, so I lost two of my best rings.
So I'm out $11.
I realized I'm tougher than I thought.
I sang in prison. I had a one-night stand.
I'm practically Johnny Cash.
Well, Johnny No Cash.
[cash register bell dings]