1
00:00:02,378 --> 00:00:05,013
Max, thanks for agreeing
to get in the spirit
2
00:00:05,015 --> 00:00:06,982
and do holiday cupcakes.
3
00:00:06,984 --> 00:00:09,251
So much better than
last year when you go so drunk
4
00:00:09,253 --> 00:00:11,420
you turned the
12 days of Christmas
5
00:00:11,422 --> 00:00:13,822
into the 12 steps
of Christmas.
6
00:00:13,824 --> 00:00:16,191
Yeah, well, I finally
gave in.
7
00:00:16,193 --> 00:00:18,060
Christmas is like herpes.
8
00:00:18,062 --> 00:00:19,561
No matter what you do,
9
00:00:19,563 --> 00:00:21,997
it's gonna flare up
once a year.
10
00:00:21,999 --> 00:00:25,367
Oh, you made
a Feliz Navidad cupcake.
11
00:00:25,369 --> 00:00:27,269
I'm muy proud of you.
12
00:00:27,271 --> 00:00:29,905
And I think we're going
to make muy mucho moolah
13
00:00:29,907 --> 00:00:32,607
when Manuel comes manana.
14
00:00:32,609 --> 00:00:34,242
You're the only person I know
15
00:00:34,244 --> 00:00:37,879
who seems whiter
speaking Spanish.
16
00:00:37,881 --> 00:00:41,249
Feliz Navidad for our
Spanish speaking friends.
17
00:00:41,251 --> 00:00:47,122
And for kids raised like me,
Feliz "He's-not-your-dad."
18
00:00:47,124 --> 00:00:50,692
And then, "Joy To The World"
for the normals,
19
00:00:50,694 --> 00:00:54,296
and for the hipsters,
"Joint To The World."
20
00:00:54,298 --> 00:00:57,566
For the kids,
"Frosty The Snowman."
- Aww.
21
00:00:57,568 --> 00:01:02,070
And for you,
"Frosty With No Man."
22
00:01:02,072 --> 00:01:07,142
Well, I didn't see Jack Frost
nipping at your nips either.
23
00:01:07,144 --> 00:01:09,211
Oh, here, this one's
my favorite,
24
00:01:09,213 --> 00:01:10,479
"Santa Claus Is Coming"--
25
00:01:10,481 --> 00:01:12,981
Max, stop right there.
26
00:01:12,983 --> 00:01:14,783
No, that was it.
He's coming.
27
00:01:14,785 --> 00:01:17,819
(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
28
00:01:17,821 --> 00:01:19,521
[cash register bell dings]
29
00:01:19,523 --> 00:01:24,526
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ¶
30
00:01:28,030 --> 00:01:29,397
Earl, change please.
31
00:01:29,399 --> 00:01:31,233
"Earl, change please."
32
00:01:31,235 --> 00:01:35,637
A phrase I heard
from both my ex-wives.
33
00:01:35,639 --> 00:01:37,873
Wow, you have more
Christmas cards
34
00:01:37,875 --> 00:01:40,809
than Oscar Pistorius
had excuses.
35
00:01:40,811 --> 00:01:44,012
What can I say, Max?
I spread a lot of goodwill.
36
00:01:44,014 --> 00:01:48,650
It's also where I get
all of my shirts.
37
00:01:48,652 --> 00:01:52,687
Here you go.
Have a nice holiday.
38
00:01:52,689 --> 00:01:55,157
My two kids love
this time of year.
39
00:01:58,961 --> 00:02:02,797
And next Christmas,
there will be three.
40
00:02:06,102 --> 00:02:08,069
It's a boy.
41
00:02:08,071 --> 00:02:11,339
My husband was so happy when
I called him in Afghanistan.
42
00:02:17,446 --> 00:02:19,581
Man, this time of year
people are easier
43
00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:22,250
than a fat girl
in a tube top.
44
00:02:22,252 --> 00:02:24,019
Oh, great.
We can use this money
45
00:02:24,021 --> 00:02:25,687
to order more
of our cupcake t-shirts.
46
00:02:25,689 --> 00:02:28,323
No, we are using that
to buy people Christmas gifts.
47
00:02:28,325 --> 00:02:30,792
I was really looking forward
to giving someone something
48
00:02:30,794 --> 00:02:34,029
that wouldn't require
the follow-up penicillin shot.
49
00:02:34,031 --> 00:02:37,866
We need more shirts.
These are really selling.
50
00:02:37,868 --> 00:02:40,168
The guy at table four
said it's the perfect gift
51
00:02:40,170 --> 00:02:45,373
for a girl you're not in love
with, just strictly banging.
52
00:02:45,375 --> 00:02:48,109
He bought three.
- Well...
53
00:02:48,111 --> 00:02:49,511
I happen to know
for a fact
54
00:02:49,513 --> 00:02:51,379
that everyone here's
getting us stuff.
55
00:02:51,381 --> 00:02:53,481
Han came in with
a small package today
56
00:02:53,483 --> 00:02:57,852
and also he was carrying
a gift bag.
57
00:02:57,854 --> 00:02:59,588
We'll find some money
for the gifts.
58
00:02:59,590 --> 00:03:01,556
People aren't expecting
anything big.
59
00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:04,259
Happy holidays.
60
00:03:04,261 --> 00:03:08,029
People just got the nothing big
they were expecting.
61
00:03:08,031 --> 00:03:10,398
Gather, please.
I have a very special gift
62
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,300
for all my diner employees.
63
00:03:12,302 --> 00:03:14,102
Health insurance?
64
00:03:14,104 --> 00:03:18,707
Come on, it's Christmastime,
not crazy time.
65
00:03:18,709 --> 00:03:20,976
It's art. It's a one of a kind
silk screen.
66
00:03:20,978 --> 00:03:22,644
I did it by hand.
67
00:03:22,646 --> 00:03:27,048
I figured that's how
you always have to do it.
68
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:34,422
Han, it's the diner.
This is amazing.
69
00:03:34,424 --> 00:03:36,825
Open the door.
I put something behind it
70
00:03:36,827 --> 00:03:38,159
that reminds me
of each of you.
71
00:03:38,161 --> 00:03:39,728
Mine has Sophie.
72
00:03:39,730 --> 00:03:41,596
Mine has a saxophone.
73
00:03:41,598 --> 00:03:43,164
Mine has a cupcake.
74
00:03:43,166 --> 00:03:46,234
Mine has a chainsaw.
75
00:03:46,236 --> 00:03:50,238
[imitates chainsaw]
76
00:03:53,142 --> 00:03:55,410
Hey, everybody!
77
00:03:59,081 --> 00:04:01,416
Holiday shopping tip:
78
00:04:01,418 --> 00:04:04,519
Fill a Starbucks cup
with vodka.
79
00:04:04,521 --> 00:04:09,491
Also good for waitressing.
80
00:04:09,493 --> 00:04:10,859
Sophie, were you
Christmas shopping?
81
00:04:10,861 --> 00:04:12,727
(Sophie)
Oh, you know I was!
82
00:04:12,729 --> 00:04:15,930
Power strips!
83
00:04:15,932 --> 00:04:19,701
Oh good.
You got surge protectors.
84
00:04:19,703 --> 00:04:22,237
Wow, that's the first time
protection's
85
00:04:22,239 --> 00:04:24,706
ever been used
in your apartment.
86
00:04:24,708 --> 00:04:29,577
Well, my Christmas village
needs 75,000 watts.
87
00:04:29,579 --> 00:04:32,914
And that's just to work
my candy cane helicopter.
88
00:04:32,916 --> 00:04:34,783
Sophie's been so busy
89
00:04:34,785 --> 00:04:37,419
with the Polish Society
Decorating Contest.
90
00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:39,287
We haven't had sex
in days.
91
00:04:39,289 --> 00:04:43,692
Well, I got to beat my nemesis,
Felka Bobenski.
92
00:04:43,694 --> 00:04:45,727
She wins every year.
93
00:04:45,729 --> 00:04:48,863
She's like the Modern Family
of Christmas decorations
94
00:04:48,865 --> 00:04:52,267
You know who's having
a blue Christmas this year?
95
00:04:52,269 --> 00:04:54,903
My balls.
96
00:05:00,042 --> 00:05:02,043
I love this city
at the holidays.
97
00:05:02,045 --> 00:05:03,645
Yeah, the urine's
all frozen
98
00:05:03,647 --> 00:05:06,448
so you can't really
smell it.
99
00:05:06,450 --> 00:05:08,883
Manhattan is the best place
to buy quality Christmas gifts.
100
00:05:08,885 --> 00:05:10,352
We have 40 bucks.
101
00:05:10,354 --> 00:05:11,986
Now, where are
those duffel bags
102
00:05:11,988 --> 00:05:13,722
full of stolen electronics
sold for half the price
103
00:05:13,724 --> 00:05:15,323
by Nairobi refugees?
104
00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:16,958
Well, we better
find them soon
105
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,560
or I'm going to give up
and go to Radio Shack
106
00:05:18,562 --> 00:05:20,528
like everyone else
who goes to Radio Shack.
107
00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:22,697
[gasps]
Oh my God, Max.
108
00:05:22,699 --> 00:05:25,166
My childhood bank.
109
00:05:25,168 --> 00:05:26,901
You had a childhood bank?
110
00:05:26,903 --> 00:05:29,204
I didn't even have
a childhood.
111
00:05:29,206 --> 00:05:32,040
Come on, let's go.
I stop in every few months
112
00:05:32,042 --> 00:05:33,508
to get caught on
the security cameras,
113
00:05:33,510 --> 00:05:35,243
so people will think
I'm still in the mix.
114
00:05:35,245 --> 00:05:38,246
Trying to get caught
on security cameras?
115
00:05:38,248 --> 00:05:40,882
Whoa, we are different.
116
00:05:40,884 --> 00:05:43,651
Yeah, we'll just go in
and while we're in here,
117
00:05:43,653 --> 00:05:48,022
well, I don't know,
ask for a business loan.
118
00:05:48,024 --> 00:05:50,058
We are not getting
a business loan!
119
00:05:50,060 --> 00:05:51,893
You tricked me
into coming to the city.
120
00:05:51,895 --> 00:05:55,163
At least knock me out and put me
in the trunk like a person.
121
00:05:55,165 --> 00:05:57,832
Okay, I hear you.
No loan.
122
00:05:57,834 --> 00:05:59,501
But can we at least
go in there
123
00:05:59,503 --> 00:06:01,069
so I can get a hit
off some vault fumes
124
00:06:01,071 --> 00:06:03,238
and a complimentary
Christmas cocoa?
125
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,173
Yeah, I want one too.
126
00:06:05,175 --> 00:06:10,645
It's so cold out here my bra is
suing my nipples for assault.
127
00:06:10,647 --> 00:06:15,083
I'd say we ask for
$15,000.
128
00:06:15,085 --> 00:06:17,018
So close I almost
smelled 100.
129
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:18,920
What is with you?
130
00:06:18,922 --> 00:06:20,522
If I wanted you to keep
lying to me,
131
00:06:20,524 --> 00:06:22,190
I'd date you.
132
00:06:22,192 --> 00:06:24,659
Max, we need more capital
133
00:06:24,661 --> 00:06:26,327
so we can buy
our shirts in bulk,
134
00:06:26,329 --> 00:06:27,695
and then,
if we work even harder,
135
00:06:27,697 --> 00:06:29,297
we can double our profit.
136
00:06:29,299 --> 00:06:31,933
Okay, we won't pass
even the credit check.
137
00:06:31,935 --> 00:06:33,802
According to my
Social Security number,
138
00:06:33,804 --> 00:06:36,805
I died in a boat explosion
years ago.
139
00:06:36,807 --> 00:06:39,441
This is the time
to apply.
140
00:06:39,443 --> 00:06:41,676
Bankers have more guilt
at Christmastime
141
00:06:41,678 --> 00:06:43,178
because of
It's A Wonderful Life.
142
00:06:43,180 --> 00:06:44,946
And also 'cause
they're Jewish.
143
00:06:44,948 --> 00:06:46,815
I'm the one
with the business degree,
144
00:06:46,817 --> 00:06:48,316
and you have to trust me
on this.
145
00:06:48,318 --> 00:06:50,118
You know what?
You're right.
146
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,987
You're the business genius.
What do I know?
147
00:06:52,989 --> 00:06:54,322
Let's go get that loan.
148
00:06:54,324 --> 00:06:55,790
Thank you!
149
00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:02,430
Yeah, I should have known
that was too good to be true.
150
00:07:05,534 --> 00:07:07,268
Max, come on.
151
00:07:07,270 --> 00:07:09,037
The bank's there.
Our shirt's in here.
152
00:07:09,039 --> 00:07:10,605
Let's just go in, show them,
and apply for that loan.
153
00:07:10,607 --> 00:07:11,773
Please!
- No.
154
00:07:11,775 --> 00:07:13,041
Please!
- No.
155
00:07:13,043 --> 00:07:14,909
Please!
- No.
156
00:07:14,911 --> 00:07:16,411
And that right there
was a little something
157
00:07:16,413 --> 00:07:18,813
called "us asking
for a bank loan."
158
00:07:18,815 --> 00:07:20,381
Now let's go.
159
00:07:20,383 --> 00:07:21,983
I'm not leaving here
until you tell me
160
00:07:21,985 --> 00:07:23,785
what the underlying
issue is.
161
00:07:23,787 --> 00:07:27,055
I'm not in love
with you anymore.
162
00:07:27,057 --> 00:07:28,790
Max, be serious.
163
00:07:28,792 --> 00:07:30,391
This whole t-shirt
was your idea.
164
00:07:30,393 --> 00:07:31,960
What's the real problem?
165
00:07:31,962 --> 00:07:32,994
That's the problem.
166
00:07:32,996 --> 00:07:34,596
Those shirts were my idea
167
00:07:34,598 --> 00:07:37,499
and nothing that comes from me
is worth $15,000.
168
00:07:37,501 --> 00:07:40,602
Aside from that baby
I sold on E-baby.
169
00:07:40,604 --> 00:07:43,972
Max, I know these t-shirts
are a money-maker.
170
00:07:43,974 --> 00:07:47,108
Oh, I have a money-maker
and that's not it.
171
00:07:47,110 --> 00:07:49,077
I can prove it.
172
00:07:49,079 --> 00:07:50,745
Look, this is Rodney,
173
00:07:50,747 --> 00:07:53,681
my childhood over-priced
clothing store.
174
00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:56,918
If I had known we were going
on the childhood tour today,
175
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:58,520
I would have worn more
comfortable shoes
176
00:07:58,522 --> 00:08:00,355
and stayed home.
177
00:08:00,357 --> 00:08:02,590
See the shirt
on the mannequin?
178
00:08:02,592 --> 00:08:04,492
At least $200.
179
00:08:04,494 --> 00:08:07,328
And there's no reason we can't
sell ours for just as much.
180
00:08:07,330 --> 00:08:08,997
I'll show you.
Follow me.
181
00:08:08,999 --> 00:08:11,432
Oh, okay, I will.
But not on Instagram,
182
00:08:11,434 --> 00:08:13,601
'cause you're
out of control.
183
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:18,373
This place is fancy
184
00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:21,876
and I've been to the
new Port Authority in Newark.
185
00:08:21,878 --> 00:08:24,245
Just trust me, okay?
186
00:08:24,247 --> 00:08:25,713
You need to jump on
those Wang pumps
187
00:08:25,715 --> 00:08:28,917
or like Ben Affleck,
they will be "Gone, girl."
188
00:08:28,919 --> 00:08:31,953
Let me do the talking.
I speak his language.
189
00:08:31,955 --> 00:08:35,890
And what language is that?
Portu-gays?
190
00:08:35,892 --> 00:08:38,927
Hello, ladies.
Welcome to Rodney.
191
00:08:38,929 --> 00:08:40,395
I'm Barry.
192
00:08:40,397 --> 00:08:42,196
Doing a little
holiday shopping?
193
00:08:42,198 --> 00:08:44,599
We're not allowed
to say Christmas.
194
00:08:44,601 --> 00:08:47,769
As a matter of fact, we're doing
a little holiday selling.
195
00:08:47,771 --> 00:08:50,872
Oh, you're "selling."
- Yeah.
196
00:08:50,874 --> 00:08:52,407
Got it.
Molly? Coke?
197
00:08:52,409 --> 00:08:54,542
Not that I'm interested.
198
00:08:54,544 --> 00:08:57,178
I've been clean since
Fire Island 2010.
199
00:08:57,180 --> 00:08:59,881
And 2012.
200
00:08:59,883 --> 00:09:04,385
It must be hard to not
be high and be you.
201
00:09:04,387 --> 00:09:06,621
Because it's hard for me
202
00:09:06,623 --> 00:09:09,657
to just be near you
and not be high.
203
00:09:09,659 --> 00:09:12,860
Yeah, you get it, girl.
204
00:09:12,862 --> 00:09:15,630
Actually, we wanted to see
if you'd be interested
205
00:09:15,632 --> 00:09:17,832
in selling one of our
fabulous graphic t-shirts.
206
00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:22,737
Oh, n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n--
all sorts of "no," okay?
207
00:09:22,739 --> 00:09:25,139
As much as I love a fez,
a caftan, and a teenage boy,
208
00:09:25,141 --> 00:09:27,642
this isn't Morocco.
209
00:09:27,644 --> 00:09:32,413
That's a really long
and boring version of "No."
210
00:09:32,415 --> 00:09:37,085
It's like you just did
"No! The One Woman Show."
211
00:09:37,087 --> 00:09:38,853
Here's our t-shirt--
- Look.
212
00:09:38,855 --> 00:09:41,522
I'll tell you two what
I said to a young Marc Jacobs.
213
00:09:41,524 --> 00:09:45,593
Stop offering,
I'm off the junk.
214
00:09:45,595 --> 00:09:47,695
Merry Holiday.
215
00:09:47,697 --> 00:09:50,665
I'll show Mary
a holiday.
216
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,066
Our shirts are just
as good as these.
217
00:09:52,068 --> 00:09:55,570
He just needs
to see it.
218
00:09:55,572 --> 00:09:58,339
Here, hold this.
219
00:09:58,341 --> 00:10:00,375
What are you?
American Psycho?
220
00:10:00,377 --> 00:10:02,543
As soon as someone
says "no" to you,
221
00:10:02,545 --> 00:10:05,680
you start
dismembering women.
222
00:10:05,682 --> 00:10:07,081
I can't get
her shirt off.
223
00:10:07,083 --> 00:10:08,449
Tell her she can
spend the night
224
00:10:08,451 --> 00:10:11,719
and you'll buy her
a waffle in the morning.
225
00:10:11,721 --> 00:10:13,254
Okay, hand me our shirt.
226
00:10:13,256 --> 00:10:15,256
I think this
is gonna be big for us.
227
00:10:15,258 --> 00:10:18,559
You also think
Michael Buble rocks.
228
00:10:18,561 --> 00:10:20,962
Oh, I have to hurry.
Barry is coming.
229
00:10:20,964 --> 00:10:22,196
Barry is coming.
230
00:10:22,198 --> 00:10:25,600
I'm guessing
mostly with strangers.
231
00:10:25,602 --> 00:10:29,070
Seriously?
232
00:10:29,072 --> 00:10:32,407
Seriously?
233
00:10:32,409 --> 00:10:37,378
Ser-i-ous-ly?
234
00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:38,646
So cute.
235
00:10:38,648 --> 00:10:41,149
And look on the back,
"Cream Filled."
236
00:10:41,151 --> 00:10:42,583
Funny.
237
00:10:42,585 --> 00:10:45,887
People will think
I have a personality.
238
00:10:45,889 --> 00:10:47,588
Barry, put this
with my other stuff.
239
00:10:47,590 --> 00:10:49,657
How much?
300.
240
00:10:49,659 --> 00:10:53,895
Forget the sober story.
That guy is high.
241
00:10:53,897 --> 00:10:55,496
I'll take ten.
242
00:10:55,498 --> 00:10:56,998
They'll make great
Hanukkah gifts
243
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,801
for my friends
who don't hate their arms.
244
00:10:59,803 --> 00:11:04,238
All our shirts just got bought
by a rich dead lady.
245
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,574
I'll need 30 more
by Friday.
246
00:11:11,013 --> 00:11:13,247
Yes, I'm still holding.
247
00:11:13,249 --> 00:11:15,516
I need to place
a rush t-shirt order.
248
00:11:15,518 --> 00:11:17,318
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't put me on hold again.
249
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:18,653
I've been through
seven rounds of
250
00:11:18,655 --> 00:11:20,855
Grandma Got Run Over
By A Reindeer.
251
00:11:20,857 --> 00:11:24,258
And she just got
run over again.
252
00:11:24,260 --> 00:11:27,361
Now that we have all this
crazy gay t-shirt money,
253
00:11:27,363 --> 00:11:30,832
I think we should
up the prices on these gifts.
254
00:11:30,834 --> 00:11:32,734
So we agree,
we're getting Earl a car.
255
00:11:32,736 --> 00:11:34,736
Sophie is getting
the country house
256
00:11:34,738 --> 00:11:36,838
with the lake
she's always wanted.
257
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:39,741
Max, Rodney is selling
our shirts for 300,
258
00:11:39,743 --> 00:11:41,609
but we only get 25
of that.
259
00:11:41,611 --> 00:11:44,278
And you can't buy a house
for $750.
260
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:48,116
It's not Detroit.
261
00:11:48,118 --> 00:11:50,852
Yes, hi, hi, hi.
Finally a person.
262
00:11:50,854 --> 00:11:53,855
I need 50 t-shirts
by Friday.
263
00:11:53,857 --> 00:11:57,425
But your business card says you
guarantee next-day delivery.
264
00:11:57,427 --> 00:12:00,695
Oh, you can't "guarantee"
that guarantee?
265
00:12:00,697 --> 00:12:02,497
Okay, now Oleg.
266
00:12:02,499 --> 00:12:04,599
What do you get a man
who has nothing,
267
00:12:04,601 --> 00:12:06,768
but shows you everything?
268
00:12:06,770 --> 00:12:08,936
What do you mean
"Is there anything else
269
00:12:08,938 --> 00:12:13,374
you can help me with?"
When did you help me at all?
270
00:12:13,376 --> 00:12:15,777
And I'm beginning to think
if Grandma works for you,
271
00:12:15,779 --> 00:12:17,178
she didn't get run over
by that reindeer,
272
00:12:17,180 --> 00:12:19,547
she threw herself
under a sleigh.
273
00:12:21,316 --> 00:12:25,353
So, Sophie's getting
a Snapple.
274
00:12:25,355 --> 00:12:27,121
Like last year.
275
00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:30,224
Max, we can't give up.
We can do them ourselves.
276
00:12:30,226 --> 00:12:31,993
We just need someone else
to do them.
277
00:12:31,995 --> 00:12:34,328
Come on, let's go.
278
00:12:34,330 --> 00:12:35,863
There are customers
who have been here
279
00:12:35,865 --> 00:12:38,232
since Robin Thicke
was relevant.
280
00:12:38,234 --> 00:12:41,235
Wait a minute, Han.
You silk-screened all those
281
00:12:41,237 --> 00:12:43,871
beautiful cards.
You have an artistic side.
282
00:12:43,873 --> 00:12:46,307
Yeah, but no backside.
283
00:12:46,309 --> 00:12:50,077
And a front side that shouldn't
be allowed outside.
284
00:12:50,079 --> 00:12:51,679
[imitates chainsaw]
285
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:58,953
Why is this taking
so long?
286
00:12:58,955 --> 00:13:00,788
You did all those
Christmas cards.
287
00:13:00,790 --> 00:13:04,058
Aren't small creatures
supposed to be fast?
288
00:13:04,060 --> 00:13:07,662
Truth be told, those were
supposed to be ready last year.
289
00:13:07,664 --> 00:13:11,499
But, what was the rush?
You two weren't going anywhere.
290
00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:13,301
Han, just a simple
"Yes" or "No".
291
00:13:13,303 --> 00:13:14,569
No judgment.
292
00:13:14,571 --> 00:13:17,905
Have you had sex
with this machine?
293
00:13:17,907 --> 00:13:19,907
The only thing worse than
you two working for me
294
00:13:19,909 --> 00:13:21,409
is me working for you.
295
00:13:21,411 --> 00:13:24,178
You haven't even
given me water.
296
00:13:24,180 --> 00:13:27,481
Water is for closers.
297
00:13:27,483 --> 00:13:31,252
By "closers," I mean people
who actually make clothes.
298
00:13:31,254 --> 00:13:32,753
[knock on door]
299
00:13:32,755 --> 00:13:34,288
Who's that?
300
00:13:34,290 --> 00:13:38,993
Han, did you call
Child Protective Service on us?
301
00:13:38,995 --> 00:13:42,096
'Cause those bruises
could be from anyone.
302
00:13:42,098 --> 00:13:44,498
Han, you've only made
one shirt in two hours.
303
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:48,169
And it's a masterpiece.
Do you want one Citizen Kane
304
00:13:48,171 --> 00:13:51,439
or 30 Here Comes
the Booms?
305
00:13:51,441 --> 00:13:54,008
Guys, I need your help.
306
00:13:54,010 --> 00:13:57,078
Sophie's right behind me
and needs some cheering up.
307
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,779
I haven't seen her
this depressed
308
00:13:58,781 --> 00:14:01,616
since she woke up
mid-coitus last night.
309
00:14:03,418 --> 00:14:06,020
Hi.
310
00:14:06,022 --> 00:14:08,022
Hi.
Hi, girls.
311
00:14:08,024 --> 00:14:09,257
Merry Christmas.
312
00:14:09,259 --> 00:14:11,125
Quick question:
313
00:14:11,127 --> 00:14:13,961
if I were to turn on that oven
and close all the windows,
314
00:14:13,963 --> 00:14:15,696
would I die?
315
00:14:15,698 --> 00:14:17,198
Nope.
316
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,866
Otherwise I wouldn't be
standing here
317
00:14:18,868 --> 00:14:22,036
next to
Kim Jong-Only-Done-One.
318
00:14:22,038 --> 00:14:24,238
Sophie, what's the problem?
319
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:25,640
Tell Han while he gets
back to work.
320
00:14:25,642 --> 00:14:27,208
And Han, pick up the pace
321
00:14:27,210 --> 00:14:29,477
or I'm going to start
the pinching again.
322
00:14:29,479 --> 00:14:33,881
I'm gonna lose the
Christmas decorating contest.
323
00:14:33,883 --> 00:14:37,785
Oh, I have nothing
to live for.
324
00:14:37,787 --> 00:14:43,124
Oh, Caroline, this is probably
how you feel every day.
325
00:14:43,126 --> 00:14:45,593
Sophie's competition
made a live-action
326
00:14:45,595 --> 00:14:48,896
North Pole workshop
in front of her house.
327
00:14:48,898 --> 00:14:52,667
Well, all I got upstairs
is a light-up nativity
328
00:14:52,669 --> 00:14:57,972
and $25,000 worth of
Target Christmas decorations.
329
00:14:57,974 --> 00:15:00,308
She blew five fuses
last night.
330
00:15:00,310 --> 00:15:04,645
I never thought
I'd be jealous of a fuse.
331
00:15:04,647 --> 00:15:06,747
Sophie, we really can't
get into this now.
332
00:15:06,749 --> 00:15:08,416
We are way behind
with these t-shirts.
333
00:15:08,418 --> 00:15:10,184
And these t-shirts are
a once in a lifetime
334
00:15:10,186 --> 00:15:13,854
Ow!
- chance for us to go to
a new place with our business.
335
00:15:13,856 --> 00:15:17,191
Oh yeah,
I hear you, girls.
336
00:15:17,193 --> 00:15:19,160
I mean, what am I doing here
sitting worrying about
337
00:15:19,162 --> 00:15:20,528
some silly contest?
338
00:15:20,530 --> 00:15:22,196
It's Christmas.
339
00:15:22,198 --> 00:15:24,265
Come on everybody.
340
00:15:24,267 --> 00:15:25,933
We should all be
helping the girls.
341
00:15:25,935 --> 00:15:28,769
Really?
that would be so amazing.
342
00:15:28,771 --> 00:15:32,039
Sure! And you wouldn't even
have to pay me back
343
00:15:32,041 --> 00:15:34,542
by letting me use your barn and
your horse tomorrow night
344
00:15:34,544 --> 00:15:37,178
for a live nativity scene, which
you would all have to be in.
345
00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:38,679
Or something like that.
346
00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:45,019
I think we just had
a seasonal shake-down.
347
00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:53,361
Han's doing the last one.
We're gonna make it.
348
00:15:53,363 --> 00:15:56,364
I can't believe you're in such
a good mood with that beard.
349
00:15:56,366 --> 00:15:58,299
Last week when you found
those two chin hairs,
350
00:15:58,301 --> 00:15:59,767
you weren't so chipper.
351
00:15:59,769 --> 00:16:02,436
I'm just so happy
I have new clothes.
352
00:16:02,438 --> 00:16:04,338
Okay, final shirt.
353
00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:06,974
Then I get you two
out of my angel hair.
354
00:16:06,976 --> 00:16:08,809
Han, you know,
if it weren't for you,
355
00:16:08,811 --> 00:16:10,511
we would have never
gotten this done.
356
00:16:10,513 --> 00:16:12,613
You really are
a little angel.
357
00:16:12,615 --> 00:16:14,548
Yeah, you are.
But I'm still surprised
358
00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:17,485
you weren't cast
as the baby.
359
00:16:17,487 --> 00:16:19,553
Oh, I was asked,
but I declined.
360
00:16:19,555 --> 00:16:21,822
I spent ten year
getting out of diapers.
361
00:16:21,824 --> 00:16:25,026
I'm not getting
back in.
362
00:16:25,028 --> 00:16:27,995
Han, for your Christmas gift,
363
00:16:27,997 --> 00:16:30,364
I'll pretend
I never heard that.
364
00:16:30,366 --> 00:16:32,867
Places everybody.
365
00:16:32,869 --> 00:16:35,536
The judges are coming.
I'm ready.
366
00:16:35,538 --> 00:16:38,205
Joseph's ready.
Cabbage Patch Christ is ready.
367
00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:39,974
Come on!
368
00:16:39,976 --> 00:16:42,043
What's with the cleavage?
369
00:16:42,045 --> 00:16:43,310
I know.
370
00:16:43,312 --> 00:16:45,379
She's like
the Not-So-Virgin Mary.
371
00:16:48,316 --> 00:16:51,952
Angel, Shepherd,
Lady with the beard,
372
00:16:51,954 --> 00:16:53,654
come on,
get in the stable.
373
00:16:53,656 --> 00:16:55,089
Stable?
374
00:16:55,091 --> 00:16:58,325
The way we look
it should be an "unstable."
375
00:16:58,327 --> 00:17:00,961
- Everybody ready?
I'm going to open the barn door.
376
00:17:00,963 --> 00:17:02,396
Okay.
- Yeah, I think
your barn door's
377
00:17:02,398 --> 00:17:04,331
already a little open.
378
00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:07,635
Okay now,
who am I again?
379
00:17:07,637 --> 00:17:09,837
Voltron?
380
00:17:09,839 --> 00:17:11,605
I'm not gonna lie.
One of the wise men
381
00:17:11,607 --> 00:17:15,676
might have smoked
some "myrrh-ijuana."
382
00:17:15,678 --> 00:17:17,812
That was a very nice
Christmas gift, Max.
383
00:17:17,814 --> 00:17:20,448
Thanks, Earl.
By the way, Sophie,
384
00:17:20,450 --> 00:17:21,816
the barn and us
dressed like idiots?
385
00:17:21,818 --> 00:17:24,318
That's your
Christmas gift.
- Oh.
386
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,920
Oh, and hey,
bang Oleg later.
387
00:17:25,922 --> 00:17:27,588
Oleg,
that's your gift.
388
00:17:27,590 --> 00:17:29,423
How did you know?
389
00:17:29,425 --> 00:17:32,426
Before they come in, let's just
take a moment to look around
390
00:17:32,428 --> 00:17:35,763
and really let in
the true spirit of Christmas.
391
00:17:35,765 --> 00:17:38,499
I don't remember
writing you a monologue.
392
00:17:38,501 --> 00:17:41,435
Shut up!
Get your ass over by the horse.
393
00:17:41,437 --> 00:17:45,039
Come on, Han.
Hit the music.
394
00:17:45,041 --> 00:17:47,374
[Christmas music playing]
All right, everybody,
395
00:17:47,376 --> 00:17:49,610
look holy.
396
00:17:49,612 --> 00:17:52,446
Best I can do
is my underwear.
397
00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:02,223
all: Ooh!
398
00:18:02,225 --> 00:18:04,191
O h , crap!
399
00:18:04,193 --> 00:18:07,194
Oh, that's right, Felka.
400
00:18:07,196 --> 00:18:10,464
I'm the freakin'
mother of God.
401
00:18:12,734 --> 00:18:15,436
[chuckles]
We won!
402
00:18:15,438 --> 00:18:17,638
I'm so happy we won.
403
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,574
We won! We Won!
404
00:18:20,576 --> 00:18:23,944
Okay, show's over.
405
00:18:23,946 --> 00:18:26,914
Dump the kid,
I'll be upstairs.
406
00:18:26,916 --> 00:18:30,618
Max, take care of
Cabbage Patch Christ.
407
00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:35,156
Here, Han.
You got a buddy your own size.
408
00:18:39,728 --> 00:18:41,662
Thank you so much,
Barry.
409
00:18:41,664 --> 00:18:43,464
And remember, I want
50 more shirts
410
00:18:43,466 --> 00:18:46,333
after the first of the year
after I'm back from rehab.
411
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:50,971
'Cause ladies, I am planning
a very white Christmas.
412
00:18:50,973 --> 00:18:52,506
Max, this is amazing!
413
00:18:52,508 --> 00:18:54,542
Do you know what just
happened in there?
414
00:18:54,544 --> 00:18:58,546
Yeah, I stole some dope-ass
fingerless gloves.
415
00:18:58,548 --> 00:19:00,581
We're in business
with them now.
416
00:19:00,583 --> 00:19:01,749
You have to bring
those back.
417
00:19:01,751 --> 00:19:05,319
I got them for you.
- Okay.
418
00:19:05,321 --> 00:19:07,321
This is like
a Christmas miracle.
419
00:19:07,323 --> 00:19:09,590
Our shirts are being sold
in the most exclusive
420
00:19:09,592 --> 00:19:13,160
bitchy boutique in Manhattan
and they want more, lots more.
421
00:19:13,162 --> 00:19:14,762
Hey, let's go into your
childhood bank.
422
00:19:14,764 --> 00:19:16,430
I need to take
an adult pee.
423
00:19:16,432 --> 00:19:18,566
Okay, but this isn't home,
so remember,
424
00:19:18,568 --> 00:19:20,367
put the seat down
when you're done.
425
00:19:20,369 --> 00:19:25,339
And while we're in there,
we can apply for that loan.
426
00:19:25,341 --> 00:19:26,674
No, no, no, no, no.
We can't.
427
00:19:26,676 --> 00:19:27,908
Now I'm afraid.
428
00:19:27,910 --> 00:19:29,443
Come on,
what's the real issue here?
429
00:19:29,445 --> 00:19:31,512
We just had this
amazing success.
430
00:19:31,514 --> 00:19:33,614
And it looks like things
are going our way,
431
00:19:33,616 --> 00:19:35,049
and if we go in there,
it could all be ruined.
432
00:19:35,051 --> 00:19:37,284
You know what would ruin
our lives even more?
433
00:19:37,286 --> 00:19:40,454
If we don't get that loan
and have to spend hours
434
00:19:40,456 --> 00:19:43,624
with Han standing under us
trying to finish those shirts.
435
00:19:43,626 --> 00:19:45,693
Well, that's a real
"Nightmare Before Christmas."
436
00:19:45,695 --> 00:19:47,962
Let's go.
- Good, cause I'm
starting to pee a little.
437
00:19:54,703 --> 00:19:56,537
He gave us a loan!
438
00:19:56,539 --> 00:19:59,473
Is everyone who works
on the street high?
439
00:19:59,475 --> 00:20:02,910
I can't believe it.
It didn't go bad.
440
00:20:02,912 --> 00:20:05,212
I'm getting everything
I want.
441
00:20:05,214 --> 00:20:06,714
Walk on the outside
of the sidewalk.
442
00:20:06,716 --> 00:20:08,082
I'm gonna get hit
by a bus.
443
00:20:08,084 --> 00:20:10,150
I mean, how could he
give us a loan?
444
00:20:10,152 --> 00:20:12,486
I didn't even have to
flash my boobs.
445
00:20:12,488 --> 00:20:15,122
Then why did you
do it?
446
00:20:15,124 --> 00:20:17,157
I don't know.
They were making it rain.
447
00:20:17,159 --> 00:20:18,392
I felt obliged.
448
00:20:18,394 --> 00:20:20,327
Max, do you have
a dollar?
449
00:20:20,329 --> 00:20:23,397
I don't know.
Do you have change for 10,000?
450
00:20:23,399 --> 00:20:26,000
Yeah, here. For what?
For those less fortunate
451
00:20:26,002 --> 00:20:28,302
Anne Hathaway's here?
452
00:20:28,304 --> 00:20:33,173
[bell ringing]
453
00:20:33,175 --> 00:20:35,776
Oh, my God.
Look! Look!
454
00:20:35,778 --> 00:20:38,245
Whoa, no way!
No way!
455
00:20:38,247 --> 00:20:40,814
Max, I have chills.
456
00:20:40,816 --> 00:20:44,184
Well, it is snowing and there's
no fingers on those gloves.
457
00:20:44,186 --> 00:20:45,819
I love these.
458
00:20:45,821 --> 00:20:47,254
I'm sorry I didn't
get you anything.
459
00:20:47,256 --> 00:20:48,922
I'm just not a thief.
460
00:20:48,924 --> 00:20:51,325
What do you mean
you didn't get me anything?
461
00:20:51,327 --> 00:20:53,260
You got me everything.
Look.
462
00:20:53,262 --> 00:20:58,599
[bell ringing]
463
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:01,602
[Christmas music playing]
464
00:21:01,604 --> 00:21:06,073
¶ ¶