1
00:00:02,912 --> 00:00:03,979
Okay, Max.
2
00:00:03,981 --> 00:00:05,447
How would you describe
our apartment?
3
00:00:05,449 --> 00:00:07,115
And I've already ruled out
4
00:00:07,117 --> 00:00:10,419
"worse than that girl-pit
in silence of the lambs."
5
00:00:10,421 --> 00:00:14,089
Well, at least she had some
silence once in awhile.
6
00:00:14,091 --> 00:00:16,992
Look, no one's gonna pay money
to rent this dump.
7
00:00:16,994 --> 00:00:19,261
We haven't in six months.
8
00:00:19,263 --> 00:00:22,097
Everyone else in williamsburg
is making money
9
00:00:22,099 --> 00:00:24,466
renting their crappy places
on airbnb.
10
00:00:24,468 --> 00:00:25,934
It's all how you describe it.
11
00:00:25,936 --> 00:00:29,171
So let's start lying.
12
00:00:29,173 --> 00:00:33,175
This is a fantastic idea
and I really want to do this.
13
00:00:33,177 --> 00:00:35,610
First question:
"Describe your neighborhood."
14
00:00:35,612 --> 00:00:39,614
Run-down with a bunch of rats.
15
00:00:39,616 --> 00:00:44,820
Old-world charm.
Pet-friendly.
16
00:00:44,822 --> 00:00:46,655
"What type of people
live there?"
17
00:00:46,657 --> 00:00:49,758
Junkies, whores, homeless.
18
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,794
Actors.
19
00:00:52,796 --> 00:00:54,162
"Do you have a hot tub?"
20
00:00:54,164 --> 00:00:57,165
Sometimes.
21
00:00:57,167 --> 00:00:58,166
"Gym?"
22
00:00:58,168 --> 00:01:00,502
Two.
Gay Jim upstairs,
23
00:01:00,504 --> 00:01:01,837
and straight Jim
across the hall
24
00:01:01,839 --> 00:01:04,239
who's only gay
when he's drunk.
25
00:01:04,241 --> 00:01:06,241
"When is your space available?
26
00:01:06,243 --> 00:01:07,809
Always, sometimes, one time."
27
00:01:07,811 --> 00:01:09,945
Oh, just like our sex lives.
28
00:01:09,947 --> 00:01:12,047
Always for me,
sometimes out of boredom,
29
00:01:12,049 --> 00:01:15,283
and one time for you.
30
00:01:15,285 --> 00:01:17,219
(peter bjorn and John)
¶ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
31
00:01:17,221 --> 00:01:19,054
[cash register bell dings]
32
00:01:19,056 --> 00:01:23,792
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ¶
33
00:01:28,231 --> 00:01:30,365
Earl, guess what Max and I did.
34
00:01:30,367 --> 00:01:31,867
I know what you didn't do.
35
00:01:31,869 --> 00:01:34,803
Clean this dessert carousel.
36
00:01:34,805 --> 00:01:38,173
There's a Napoleon in here
since Napoleon.
37
00:01:38,175 --> 00:01:40,742
We rented our apartment
on airbnb.
38
00:01:40,744 --> 00:01:43,411
You rented to arabs?
39
00:01:43,413 --> 00:01:46,481
Well, good luck
getting it back.
40
00:01:46,483 --> 00:01:49,818
They tend to be
a tad territorial.
41
00:01:49,820 --> 00:01:53,121
Airbnb is an agency
that rents to out-of-towners
42
00:01:53,123 --> 00:01:56,258
and I'm guessing local men
cheating on their wives.
43
00:01:56,260 --> 00:01:57,959
Well, I did it.
44
00:01:57,961 --> 00:01:59,361
I know.
45
00:01:59,363 --> 00:02:02,330
When you were 18
with prince Harry.
46
00:02:02,332 --> 00:02:04,533
Or so you say.
47
00:02:04,535 --> 00:02:06,368
We have three offers
for our apartment.
48
00:02:06,370 --> 00:02:07,536
How?
49
00:02:07,538 --> 00:02:08,670
Let me rephrase that.
50
00:02:08,672 --> 00:02:11,173
How!
51
00:02:11,175 --> 00:02:13,341
I found the perfect
sales pitch.
52
00:02:13,343 --> 00:02:16,678
"Stay at the place
where dreams die"?
53
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,614
"Have the authentic
williamsburg experience."
54
00:02:19,616 --> 00:02:21,783
Oh, you mean getting clumsily
felt up
55
00:02:21,785 --> 00:02:25,187
by a guy who looks like he came
from the gold rush?
56
00:02:25,189 --> 00:02:26,888
Anyone can stay at a hotel.
57
00:02:26,890 --> 00:02:29,224
But how often can you say
you went to New York
58
00:02:29,226 --> 00:02:33,161
and stayed at a "Brooklyn
bohemian barn apartment
59
00:02:33,163 --> 00:02:35,864
with a live-in horse"?
60
00:02:35,866 --> 00:02:37,799
Girl, you are good.
61
00:02:37,801 --> 00:02:40,702
So now we just have to pick
who gets our apartment.
62
00:02:40,704 --> 00:02:43,138
A guy looking to get away
from it all.
63
00:02:43,140 --> 00:02:46,174
That's a suicide.
64
00:02:46,176 --> 00:02:47,943
You're right.
We lie, they lie.
65
00:02:47,945 --> 00:02:50,612
Um, a married couple
looking to reconnect.
66
00:02:50,614 --> 00:02:54,149
Murder-suicide.
67
00:02:54,151 --> 00:02:56,184
And finally, a girls' getaway
weekend
68
00:02:56,186 --> 00:02:57,819
for some fashion model friends.
69
00:02:57,821 --> 00:03:00,622
A couple of chubby girls
looking to murder
70
00:03:00,624 --> 00:03:03,959
some pints of Ben and Jerry's.
71
00:03:03,961 --> 00:03:05,360
With maybe a sui-side
of Mac and cheese.
72
00:03:05,362 --> 00:03:10,031
Hey, everybody.
73
00:03:14,604 --> 00:03:15,937
Yeah, the temperature
be droppin'
74
00:03:15,939 --> 00:03:19,140
and the bitches
be nippin'.
75
00:03:19,142 --> 00:03:20,408
I need a hot chocolate.
76
00:03:20,410 --> 00:03:23,979
I'm right, Sophie.
77
00:03:23,981 --> 00:03:25,447
And I'm right here, Earl.
78
00:03:25,449 --> 00:03:27,148
I mean, I get it,
79
00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:30,151
but bro code, man.
80
00:03:30,153 --> 00:03:32,587
Well, big news.
81
00:03:32,589 --> 00:03:34,990
I'm going on a trip.
82
00:03:34,992 --> 00:03:37,993
Mushrooms or acid?
83
00:03:37,995 --> 00:03:40,996
I'm going to Vermont!
84
00:03:40,998 --> 00:03:42,864
Oh, you're gonna be gone?
85
00:03:42,866 --> 00:03:44,432
Would you mind letting us stay
upstairs at your place?
86
00:03:44,434 --> 00:03:45,867
We're renting out
our apartment.
87
00:03:45,869 --> 00:03:48,203
You're renting out
that dump?
88
00:03:48,205 --> 00:03:53,408
Oh, are they filming
survivor at your place?
89
00:04:00,049 --> 00:04:01,449
[Coughing]
90
00:04:01,451 --> 00:04:03,451
So when are these losers
arriving?
91
00:04:03,453 --> 00:04:05,153
They're not losers.
92
00:04:05,155 --> 00:04:06,821
They're just girls paying us
to have a fun weekend
93
00:04:06,823 --> 00:04:08,757
in our apartment.
94
00:04:08,759 --> 00:04:11,092
What losers!
95
00:04:11,094 --> 00:04:12,994
[Knock at door]
96
00:04:12,996 --> 00:04:15,463
Now that is a hand
that's scooped some ice cream.
97
00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:24,472
Hi, are you Caroline?
98
00:04:24,474 --> 00:04:27,108
Oh, my god.
They really are models.
99
00:04:27,110 --> 00:04:28,109
Hi, I'm Lily.
100
00:04:28,111 --> 00:04:31,746
Oh shoot, now I'm gay.
101
00:04:31,748 --> 00:04:33,915
Lily?
As in Lily aldridge?
102
00:04:33,917 --> 00:04:35,317
And I'm Martha.
103
00:04:35,319 --> 00:04:37,152
Hunt?
Martha hunt and Lily aldridge?
104
00:04:37,154 --> 00:04:38,219
Max, do you know who they are?
105
00:04:38,221 --> 00:04:39,788
Sure do.
106
00:04:39,790 --> 00:04:44,826
This one is the girl
that I leave this one for.
107
00:04:44,828 --> 00:04:47,662
No, Max, they're all
Victoria's secret models.
108
00:04:47,664 --> 00:04:49,097
Yeah, we all wanted to hang out
in New York
109
00:04:49,099 --> 00:04:50,565
before we leave for London.
110
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:52,467
We're doing a fashion show
there.
111
00:04:52,469 --> 00:04:55,837
I worked at the Victoria's
secret at the mall for one day.
112
00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:59,674
Got fired for eating
panda express over the thongs.
113
00:04:59,676 --> 00:05:00,742
This is Max.
I'm Caroline.
114
00:05:00,744 --> 00:05:02,811
I used to be rich.
115
00:05:02,813 --> 00:05:06,014
I just felt like I needed
to say that.
116
00:05:06,016 --> 00:05:09,317
And these are our friends,
Petra, Gabriella, and rina.
117
00:05:09,319 --> 00:05:11,586
(All three)
Hi.
118
00:05:11,588 --> 00:05:15,790
What are the odds you're all
named after Columbus's ships.
119
00:05:15,792 --> 00:05:20,395
Come in. Welcome to
"the williamsburg experience."
120
00:05:20,397 --> 00:05:22,897
It's bigger than it looks
in the photo.
121
00:05:22,899 --> 00:05:25,567
Well, I shaved of a couple
of inches for the photo.
122
00:05:25,569 --> 00:05:28,269
You know the drill.
123
00:05:28,271 --> 00:05:30,271
So why the hell are you staying
here?
124
00:05:30,273 --> 00:05:34,542
Is this training
for when your looks run out?
125
00:05:34,544 --> 00:05:36,978
Oh, look.
The kitchen is so cute!
126
00:05:36,980 --> 00:05:41,916
Question: How do you walk
the runway blind?
127
00:05:41,918 --> 00:05:43,385
It's just that we stay
at the same four seasons
128
00:05:43,387 --> 00:05:45,220
all the time.
129
00:05:45,222 --> 00:05:47,789
Well, you will experience
at least two seasons here,
130
00:05:47,791 --> 00:05:50,925
'cause the thermostat's broken.
131
00:05:50,927 --> 00:05:54,162
It's 40 outside
and 100 in here.
132
00:05:54,164 --> 00:05:57,165
So as advertised,
this is our sauna.
133
00:05:57,167 --> 00:05:59,167
And our bohemian barn's
right out that door.
134
00:05:59,169 --> 00:06:03,605
Just follow
the temperature drop.
135
00:06:03,607 --> 00:06:06,474
Max, super models are staying
at our apartment.
136
00:06:06,476 --> 00:06:10,145
It's so exciting,
I want to tell all my friends.
137
00:06:10,147 --> 00:06:15,950
I guess I just did.
138
00:06:15,952 --> 00:06:17,619
I see you met Chestnut.
139
00:06:17,621 --> 00:06:20,588
That's his real mane,
not extensions.
140
00:06:20,590 --> 00:06:22,657
Also per our ad,
a charming skylight.
141
00:06:22,659 --> 00:06:24,225
In case you want to sit under
the stars
142
00:06:24,227 --> 00:06:28,596
and have a little peace
and quiet.
143
00:06:28,598 --> 00:06:30,598
Hey, girls!
144
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,033
Come up already.
145
00:06:32,035 --> 00:06:34,636
I want to get
to my college reunion.
146
00:06:34,638 --> 00:06:38,139
Can you believe
it's been 10 years?
147
00:06:38,141 --> 00:06:39,407
Wow, time sure does lie--
148
00:06:39,409 --> 00:06:42,544
I mean, fly.
149
00:06:42,546 --> 00:06:44,345
(Martha)
- You talk to your neighbors?
150
00:06:44,347 --> 00:06:46,381
I talked to my neighbor once
and the next thing you know,
151
00:06:46,383 --> 00:06:47,949
I have this long letter
from Naomi watts
152
00:06:47,951 --> 00:06:51,619
saying, "leave my husband
alone."
153
00:06:51,621 --> 00:06:54,856
So we've known each other
like five minutes already.
154
00:06:54,858 --> 00:06:56,624
Where's my free bra?
155
00:06:56,626 --> 00:06:58,560
I mean, all that's left
of this one is the frames.
156
00:06:58,562 --> 00:07:00,395
Trust me, it's like
a burlesque show under here.
157
00:07:06,936 --> 00:07:09,471
Sophie's apartment is amazing.
158
00:07:09,473 --> 00:07:15,109
It looks like an easter bunny
banged a golden girl.
159
00:07:15,111 --> 00:07:17,045
That was some showerhead.
160
00:07:17,047 --> 00:07:19,814
I'd marry it,
but it's already attached...
161
00:07:19,816 --> 00:07:21,483
To the wall.
162
00:07:29,291 --> 00:07:30,625
Max?
163
00:07:30,627 --> 00:07:32,694
Here!
164
00:07:32,696 --> 00:07:34,596
Oh, this bed is like being
in the womb
165
00:07:34,598 --> 00:07:38,233
without all the second-hand
smoke.
166
00:07:38,235 --> 00:07:39,701
Martha and Lily
were super-sweet.
167
00:07:39,703 --> 00:07:42,837
So exciting to be back
hanging with celebrities.
168
00:07:42,839 --> 00:07:45,440
Yeah and maybe now you can get
a new celebrity story.
169
00:07:45,442 --> 00:07:47,275
I was getting really tired
of hearing how someone thought
170
00:07:47,277 --> 00:07:50,445
you were Gwyneth Paltrow
from behind.
171
00:07:50,447 --> 00:07:52,780
Still flattering.
172
00:07:52,782 --> 00:07:54,549
[Laughter]
173
00:07:56,652 --> 00:07:58,019
Laughter?
174
00:07:58,021 --> 00:07:59,888
Coming from our apartment?
175
00:07:59,890 --> 00:08:01,723
What do you think
they're laughing at?
176
00:08:01,725 --> 00:08:05,293
Probably found our account
balance on an atm slip.
177
00:08:05,295 --> 00:08:06,828
I bet Martha said something
funny.
178
00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:08,696
She's hilarious.
179
00:08:08,698 --> 00:08:09,864
You know, for someone who's
so pretty,
180
00:08:09,866 --> 00:08:12,267
she never had to develop
a personality.
181
00:08:12,269 --> 00:08:14,769
I'm gonna go see.
182
00:08:14,771 --> 00:08:16,538
Max, give me a shove.
183
00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:21,776
This is good practice
for the eventual cliff.
184
00:08:21,778 --> 00:08:24,512
[Indistinct chatter]
185
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:30,285
(Lily)
Beers and wings.
186
00:08:30,287 --> 00:08:31,920
(Martha)
Beers and wings.
187
00:08:31,922 --> 00:08:33,955
Now it's a party.
188
00:08:33,957 --> 00:08:36,291
Max, you know how when it gets
hot down there,
189
00:08:36,293 --> 00:08:40,929
we just sit, sweat,
and point the fan at our junk?
190
00:08:40,931 --> 00:08:43,531
They do it a little differently.
191
00:08:43,533 --> 00:08:45,066
They are dancing
in their underwear,
192
00:08:45,068 --> 00:08:46,768
drinking beers.
193
00:08:46,770 --> 00:08:52,473
So? The guy on the corner
does that all the time.
194
00:08:52,475 --> 00:08:55,209
[Models toasting beers]
195
00:08:59,315 --> 00:09:03,017
I can't take my eyes
off those beers.
196
00:09:03,019 --> 00:09:07,422
(Lily)
Hey! Hi, you guys.
197
00:09:07,424 --> 00:09:10,024
(Caroline)
Great, now we're Justin bieber!
198
00:09:10,026 --> 00:09:11,559
(Lily)
You wanna come down,
and have some beers,
199
00:09:11,561 --> 00:09:13,394
and cool off?
200
00:09:13,396 --> 00:09:15,263
Be right down!
201
00:09:15,265 --> 00:09:19,167
Now I wish I had those wings,
I could get down there faster.
202
00:09:25,841 --> 00:09:28,676
Okay. So what is this big news?
203
00:09:28,678 --> 00:09:30,378
Did the health inspector
find out
204
00:09:30,380 --> 00:09:34,816
that the imitation crab meat
is cat?
205
00:09:34,818 --> 00:09:36,584
Technically,
it's imitation cat,
206
00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:38,152
but that's not what
we're announcing.
207
00:09:38,154 --> 00:09:40,021
I'm here.
208
00:09:40,023 --> 00:09:41,723
And make this snappy.
I'm in the middle of something.
209
00:09:41,725 --> 00:09:45,059
Puberty?
210
00:09:45,061 --> 00:09:47,595
No. I was on a call
with Ripley's believe it or not
211
00:09:47,597 --> 00:09:50,231
to inform them that you still
work here.
212
00:09:50,233 --> 00:09:52,600
And they didn't believe it.
213
00:09:52,602 --> 00:09:55,169
Okay. We have some friends
coming in for a meal
214
00:09:55,171 --> 00:09:58,339
and we don't want you guys
to embarrass us and overreact.
215
00:09:58,341 --> 00:10:00,341
Darlin', I don't overreact.
216
00:10:00,343 --> 00:10:02,977
I'm 70-something years old
with a history of heart trouble.
217
00:10:02,979 --> 00:10:06,147
I keep it in check.
218
00:10:06,149 --> 00:10:09,484
Hey, Max!
219
00:10:09,486 --> 00:10:14,355
And I keep my heart pills
in my pocket.
220
00:10:14,357 --> 00:10:16,624
Excuse me,
much as I enjoy the view,
221
00:10:16,626 --> 00:10:18,826
I really want that
"100th birthday" shout out
222
00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:20,561
from al roker.
223
00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:26,334
Yes, they're Victoria's secret
models and our friends.
224
00:10:26,336 --> 00:10:29,504
Last night we all stayed up late
trashing Kate moss.
225
00:10:29,506 --> 00:10:31,506
Models in my diner!
226
00:10:31,508 --> 00:10:35,209
Oh, no.
I wore the wrong sweater vest.
227
00:10:35,211 --> 00:10:39,013
You also wore the wrong face,
body, and personality.
228
00:10:39,015 --> 00:10:40,314
Max, let's go say hi.
229
00:10:40,316 --> 00:10:41,315
How do I look?
230
00:10:41,317 --> 00:10:43,251
Like a waitress.
231
00:10:43,253 --> 00:10:47,522
Damn it, it's the waitress
uniform, isn't it?
232
00:10:47,524 --> 00:10:48,823
What's up, homies?
233
00:10:48,825 --> 00:10:49,824
What's up, homie?
234
00:10:49,826 --> 00:10:51,826
I love my life again.
235
00:10:51,828 --> 00:10:53,361
Well, it's been a whole day
since we met,
236
00:10:53,363 --> 00:10:54,595
so where's that free bra?
237
00:10:54,597 --> 00:10:56,464
Max!
238
00:10:56,466 --> 00:10:57,432
What? This one's
on it's last legs.
239
00:10:57,434 --> 00:10:59,400
Last night I heard it coughing.
240
00:10:59,402 --> 00:11:01,035
Could also use some new
underwear.
241
00:11:01,037 --> 00:11:03,304
Mine are running on fumes.
242
00:11:03,306 --> 00:11:04,872
I just texted David.
243
00:11:04,874 --> 00:11:06,474
He's coming.
244
00:11:06,476 --> 00:11:08,609
This is going to be
an amazing party.
245
00:11:08,611 --> 00:11:09,811
Party?
- Yeah.
246
00:11:09,813 --> 00:11:11,145
We're having some
friends over.
247
00:11:11,147 --> 00:11:12,146
Cool.
248
00:11:12,148 --> 00:11:14,882
Yeah?
- Yeah.
249
00:11:14,884 --> 00:11:17,952
And like Max said, "cool!"
250
00:11:17,954 --> 00:11:19,554
Jeez, pull it back.
251
00:11:19,556 --> 00:11:20,722
You're acting needier
than Sofia vergara
252
00:11:20,724 --> 00:11:24,726
on a red carpet.
253
00:11:24,728 --> 00:11:26,294
Big fan.
254
00:11:26,296 --> 00:11:28,963
Big, big fan.
255
00:11:28,965 --> 00:11:30,565
Compliments of the chef.
256
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:33,568
My specialty, popsicles.
257
00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:36,003
I find they taste best
when sucked slowly,
258
00:11:36,005 --> 00:11:39,373
using plenty of tongue,
facing the kitchen.
259
00:11:46,115 --> 00:11:47,615
I can't believe
we're not invited
260
00:11:47,617 --> 00:11:48,883
to the biggest party
in our apartment
261
00:11:48,885 --> 00:11:51,986
since those ants found
your jelly beans.
262
00:11:51,988 --> 00:11:54,222
Yoo-hoo!
263
00:11:54,224 --> 00:11:57,391
Hi, so we're just up here
hangin' out.
264
00:11:57,393 --> 00:11:59,927
Doin' our thang.
265
00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:01,763
(Lily)
Oh, sorry, girl.
Did we wake you?
266
00:12:01,765 --> 00:12:06,300
Go back to sleep.
267
00:12:06,302 --> 00:12:07,769
"Go back to sleep"?
268
00:12:07,771 --> 00:12:09,403
Why does she think
we're so lame?
269
00:12:09,405 --> 00:12:11,339
Um, I don't know.
270
00:12:11,341 --> 00:12:13,007
Maybe it's 'cause you're
throwing around words
271
00:12:13,009 --> 00:12:17,145
like "yoo-hoo" and "thang,"
like a mom bringing cheetos
272
00:12:17,147 --> 00:12:19,413
down to a slumber party.
273
00:12:19,415 --> 00:12:20,948
This is your fault.
274
00:12:20,950 --> 00:12:22,683
They were obsessed with us
until you started asking
275
00:12:22,685 --> 00:12:28,456
for bras like some bra-less
homeless person.
276
00:12:28,458 --> 00:12:30,958
We're never gonna sleep
with all that music.
277
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,127
Check the drawer,
Sophie must have ear plugs.
278
00:12:33,129 --> 00:12:37,431
I mean, she lives upstairs
from you.
279
00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:40,701
I found plugs, but I don't think
they're for your ears.
280
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,275
It's fine, we'll just pop
downstairs and say hello.
281
00:12:47,277 --> 00:12:49,277
Fashion's my scene.
282
00:12:49,279 --> 00:12:51,913
Know what I'm seeing?
That price tag.
283
00:12:51,915 --> 00:12:54,682
Oh, tuck it back in,
I have to return it.
284
00:12:54,684 --> 00:12:56,584
Okay.
Remember our deal.
285
00:12:56,586 --> 00:13:01,088
I got up and got dressed
so you're my slave for life.
286
00:13:01,090 --> 00:13:03,057
Oh, hi, girls.
287
00:13:03,059 --> 00:13:06,427
I thought you were the man
with the Greek food.
288
00:13:06,429 --> 00:13:10,264
Wow, I have definitely got to
start waxing my upper lip more.
289
00:13:10,266 --> 00:13:12,366
Sophie, why aren't you
in Vermont?
290
00:13:12,368 --> 00:13:14,602
Oh, I lied.
291
00:13:14,604 --> 00:13:16,370
I didn't go to Vermont.
292
00:13:16,372 --> 00:13:20,408
I mean, it's far
and I'm not a lesbian.
293
00:13:20,410 --> 00:13:23,077
No, I stayed in town
to spy on Oleg.
294
00:13:23,079 --> 00:13:24,579
I mean, I know you girls think
that I'm perfect,
295
00:13:24,581 --> 00:13:28,382
but I have trust issues.
296
00:13:28,384 --> 00:13:29,851
Well then, whose apartment
is that?
297
00:13:29,853 --> 00:13:31,586
I'm staying at Jim's.
298
00:13:31,588 --> 00:13:33,020
Straight Jim's or gay Jim's?
299
00:13:33,022 --> 00:13:36,924
Sophie, you forgot your purse.
300
00:13:36,926 --> 00:13:39,060
Oh, I think this is mine.
301
00:13:39,062 --> 00:13:41,629
Just kidding, it's yours.
302
00:13:41,631 --> 00:13:45,166
What's up, salt n' pepa?
303
00:13:45,168 --> 00:13:48,536
(Both)
Gay Jim's.
304
00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:52,807
Oh, girls, please don't tell
Oleg that I'm here.
305
00:13:52,809 --> 00:13:54,475
You know, I've been following
him around
306
00:13:54,477 --> 00:13:56,611
to see what he would do
if I was not in town.
307
00:13:56,613 --> 00:13:58,446
And so far, you know,
he's been cool.
308
00:13:58,448 --> 00:14:00,815
But you know the old saying:
309
00:14:00,817 --> 00:14:03,551
"Cheat on me once,
shame on you.
310
00:14:03,553 --> 00:14:08,589
Cheat on me twice,
your balls are in a jar."
311
00:14:11,126 --> 00:14:13,794
Oh, my god! There's a man
standing in our doorway.
312
00:14:13,796 --> 00:14:15,863
I have a doorman again.
313
00:14:15,865 --> 00:14:17,131
Weird to see a man
standing in our doorway
314
00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:18,933
without a warrant,
an eviction notice,
315
00:14:18,935 --> 00:14:20,701
or a Bible.
316
00:14:20,703 --> 00:14:22,737
Excuse me, this is our
apartment.
317
00:14:22,739 --> 00:14:24,238
Yeah, we live here
all the time.
318
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:25,706
No biggie.
319
00:14:25,708 --> 00:14:29,710
No biggie, and no electricity,
no lease-y.
320
00:14:29,712 --> 00:14:31,178
Hi, I'm Caroline.
This is Max.
321
00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:32,413
We live here.
322
00:14:32,415 --> 00:14:34,348
Not according to the list.
323
00:14:34,350 --> 00:14:36,884
Sir, look, we do live her.
I have a key.
324
00:14:36,886 --> 00:14:39,387
The key is to be on the list,
which you are not.
325
00:14:39,389 --> 00:14:42,390
Okay, I can prove we live here.
326
00:14:42,392 --> 00:14:45,059
Go over to the window,
kick the side of radiator,
327
00:14:45,061 --> 00:14:47,094
a panel will open up.
328
00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:50,031
You'll find a half-smoked joint
and another half-smoked joint.
329
00:14:50,033 --> 00:14:51,532
Proving--
330
00:14:51,534 --> 00:14:53,200
what? That you're a poor
pot head?
331
00:14:53,202 --> 00:14:55,136
This is crazy.
332
00:14:55,138 --> 00:14:56,437
I can't believe I'm begging
to get into a place
333
00:14:56,439 --> 00:14:57,672
I've been trying to get out of.
334
00:14:57,674 --> 00:14:58,806
It's a very exclusive party.
335
00:14:58,808 --> 00:15:00,207
It's a dump.
336
00:15:00,209 --> 00:15:02,643
I should know.
I live here.
337
00:15:06,148 --> 00:15:10,484
(Caroline)
This night couldn't get any
worse.
338
00:15:10,486 --> 00:15:12,320
Turn that light off.
339
00:15:12,322 --> 00:15:13,854
I'm watching the Victoria's
secret super model party
340
00:15:13,856 --> 00:15:16,557
with my night vision goggles.
341
00:15:16,559 --> 00:15:18,859
And updating.
342
00:15:18,861 --> 00:15:20,761
Oleg, how did you get in here?
343
00:15:20,763 --> 00:15:21,996
How do you think?
344
00:15:21,998 --> 00:15:23,164
It's my girlfriend's apartment.
345
00:15:23,166 --> 00:15:25,933
I broke in.
346
00:15:25,935 --> 00:15:28,602
Yes, Oleg, it's your
girlfriend's apartment
347
00:15:28,604 --> 00:15:30,338
where you're sitting
in the dark,
348
00:15:30,340 --> 00:15:32,406
watching models out the window
with night vision goggles.
349
00:15:32,408 --> 00:15:35,276
Hey!
My pants are on!
350
00:15:35,278 --> 00:15:38,079
No, they are not!
351
00:15:38,081 --> 00:15:39,914
Not my fault.
352
00:15:39,916 --> 00:15:42,083
Five Victoria's secret
super models downstairs?
353
00:15:42,085 --> 00:15:44,719
They took themselves off.
354
00:15:44,721 --> 00:15:47,555
So what are you saying?
You're the victim here?
355
00:15:47,557 --> 00:15:48,889
What would Sophie say
if she came home
356
00:15:48,891 --> 00:15:50,424
and saw you sitting here?
357
00:15:50,426 --> 00:15:53,494
She'd say,
"stop hogging the goggles."
358
00:15:53,496 --> 00:15:55,663
Oleg, let me just say this:
359
00:15:55,665 --> 00:15:57,898
Vermont is closer than you
think.
360
00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,600
I don't know where
this argument is going,
361
00:15:59,602 --> 00:16:01,669
but I'm going to that damn
supermodel party.
362
00:16:01,671 --> 00:16:05,339
Oleg, it's late, I'm gonna
lay this on the line for you.
363
00:16:05,341 --> 00:16:07,008
You're no George Clooney.
364
00:16:07,010 --> 00:16:10,144
You're not even George Costanza.
365
00:16:10,146 --> 00:16:11,912
These sheets are amazing
366
00:16:11,914 --> 00:16:14,582
and you are never gonna do
better than Sophie.
367
00:16:14,584 --> 00:16:19,220
She is hot and clearly
has no sense of smell.
368
00:16:19,222 --> 00:16:20,221
I love Sophie.
369
00:16:20,223 --> 00:16:24,358
I'll go home.
370
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:25,860
On second thought,
I don't trust myself
371
00:16:25,862 --> 00:16:27,261
to walk by your apartment.
372
00:16:27,263 --> 00:16:30,064
Better lock me in here.
373
00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:33,134
(Lily)
Caroline! Max!
Come down here! Hurry!
374
00:16:33,136 --> 00:16:34,402
I knew it! See, Max?
375
00:16:34,404 --> 00:16:35,503
They're begging us to come.
376
00:16:35,505 --> 00:16:36,971
I'm back again.
377
00:16:36,973 --> 00:16:38,339
Are you coming?
378
00:16:38,341 --> 00:16:39,840
Oh, let me think.
379
00:16:39,842 --> 00:16:41,208
Downstairs with an open bar
or up here,
380
00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:44,378
alone, with Oleg
in his tighty-not-that-whities?
381
00:16:47,649 --> 00:16:49,417
Should we tie you up?
382
00:16:49,419 --> 00:16:52,920
No, it'll just make me hornier.
383
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,428
I knew they wanted us
to come to the party!
384
00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:01,862
How could they not?
385
00:17:01,864 --> 00:17:03,731
Last night I taught
Petra how to eat bread
386
00:17:03,733 --> 00:17:06,901
without tearing it
into little pieces first.
387
00:17:06,903 --> 00:17:09,503
don't try it.
I was a Navy seal.
388
00:17:09,505 --> 00:17:10,838
You think you're tough?
389
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,973
I lived in a refrigerator box
for a month.
390
00:17:12,975 --> 00:17:14,442
With no top.
391
00:17:14,444 --> 00:17:17,178
Not the box.
Me.
392
00:17:17,180 --> 00:17:18,979
(Lily)
Max, Caroline, get in here!
393
00:17:18,981 --> 00:17:21,215
Hey! See we were invited.
394
00:17:21,217 --> 00:17:24,185
'Cause we're "a" list.
395
00:17:24,187 --> 00:17:27,621
The toilet is clogged and I need
you to take care of it, please.
396
00:17:29,458 --> 00:17:33,994
"A list" as in "a" janitor list.
397
00:17:33,996 --> 00:17:35,329
I don't know what to do.
398
00:17:35,331 --> 00:17:37,198
Can one of you call
the concierge?
399
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,400
Sure. Caroline!
400
00:17:39,402 --> 00:17:41,368
Wait, wait, wait--
you didn't just call us
401
00:17:41,370 --> 00:17:42,503
down here 'cause the toilet's
clogged, did you?
402
00:17:42,505 --> 00:17:43,504
No.
403
00:17:43,506 --> 00:17:44,805
Okay, good.
404
00:17:44,807 --> 00:17:46,574
The kitchen sink
is backed up, too.
405
00:17:46,576 --> 00:17:48,409
But, toilet, I got this.
406
00:17:48,411 --> 00:17:50,244
I was almost born in one.
407
00:17:50,246 --> 00:17:53,080
Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me.
408
00:17:53,082 --> 00:17:55,282
All right, everyone just calm
down.
409
00:17:55,284 --> 00:18:00,387
No need to overreact.
410
00:18:02,390 --> 00:18:05,860
And there's the pool
we mentioned in our ad.
411
00:18:05,862 --> 00:18:06,894
Oh, boy.
412
00:18:06,896 --> 00:18:09,930
Yup, we got some floaters.
413
00:18:09,932 --> 00:18:11,198
Caroline, I'm gonna need
the plunger
414
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,167
and a lobotomy.
415
00:18:13,169 --> 00:18:15,302
This happens with vintage
toilets.
416
00:18:15,304 --> 00:18:17,972
Part of their old-world charm.
417
00:18:17,974 --> 00:18:21,308
We got some charm
stuck on your loofah.
418
00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:22,610
Hey guys, remember last night
419
00:18:22,612 --> 00:18:23,777
how we just bit
into that bread
420
00:18:23,779 --> 00:18:27,681
without chewing it?
Good times.
421
00:18:27,683 --> 00:18:31,485
I need that damn plunger,
I don't want to die this way.
422
00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:35,289
Got it,
but it's caught on something.
423
00:18:35,291 --> 00:18:37,158
[Grunts]
424
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,894
[Screaming]
425
00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:46,100
What kind of a dump is this?
426
00:18:46,102 --> 00:18:49,103
Hey! You wanted the williamsburg
experience, this is it!
427
00:18:57,746 --> 00:18:59,613
Good news, Martha.
I have your flat iron
428
00:18:59,615 --> 00:19:02,216
looking pretty much
back to normal.
429
00:19:02,218 --> 00:19:06,153
Oh, that's good.
Keep it.
430
00:19:06,155 --> 00:19:10,191
Again, sorry about your cashmere
sweaters in here.
431
00:19:10,193 --> 00:19:11,859
But when we ran out
of paper towels,
432
00:19:11,861 --> 00:19:15,996
you did scream, "just use
anything, make it stop."
433
00:19:15,998 --> 00:19:18,566
And of course, we'll pay
to have them all dry cleaned.
434
00:19:18,568 --> 00:19:21,969
Oh, that's nice.
Keep them.
435
00:19:21,971 --> 00:19:24,004
Okay, we can leave.
436
00:19:24,006 --> 00:19:27,308
I am off the phone
with my therapist.
437
00:19:27,310 --> 00:19:29,310
And it goes without saying,
we won't charge you guys
438
00:19:29,312 --> 00:19:30,511
for this weekend.
439
00:19:30,513 --> 00:19:32,580
No way.
Here.
440
00:19:32,582 --> 00:19:35,983
You are taking this check
and my therapist's phone number.
441
00:19:35,985 --> 00:19:38,185
I do not know how you are
standing up without him.
442
00:19:38,187 --> 00:19:40,321
What? Come on,
this is nothing.
443
00:19:40,323 --> 00:19:43,924
One month, the floor actually
opened up and swallowed us.
444
00:19:43,926 --> 00:19:45,859
Yeah, we've been through worse.
445
00:19:45,861 --> 00:19:48,629
Oh, it's really cool the way
you two support each other.
446
00:19:48,631 --> 00:19:52,433
Yup, we're a pair
of support hose.
447
00:19:52,435 --> 00:19:55,002
And speaking of support--
448
00:19:55,004 --> 00:19:56,036
here, Max.
449
00:19:56,038 --> 00:19:57,805
No way!
450
00:19:57,807 --> 00:20:00,307
Look, Caroline,
it's a bra-nanza!
451
00:20:00,309 --> 00:20:05,613
And, Caroline, since you don't
really need to wear a bra...
452
00:20:05,615 --> 00:20:07,414
Here.
This apartment may be hell,
453
00:20:07,416 --> 00:20:10,117
but you are a real angel.
454
00:20:10,119 --> 00:20:12,620
Aw, my own wings?
455
00:20:12,622 --> 00:20:15,122
Thank you, guys.
456
00:20:15,124 --> 00:20:17,024
Hey, can I ask you something?
457
00:20:17,026 --> 00:20:21,328
As long as it doesn't have
anything to do with rats.
458
00:20:21,330 --> 00:20:22,963
How come you didn't invite us
to the party?
459
00:20:22,965 --> 00:20:24,798
What? I thought Martha did.
460
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,700
I thought Lily did.
461
00:20:26,702 --> 00:20:29,069
(Both)
Model moment!
462
00:20:32,574 --> 00:20:34,541
Pick-up, Caroline!
463
00:20:38,813 --> 00:20:40,681
Yup, I always knew
you would die here.
464
00:20:45,086 --> 00:20:49,156
Pick-up, Max!
465
00:20:49,158 --> 00:20:51,392
Looking good, Max.
466
00:20:51,394 --> 00:20:53,227
After you drop that,
have Caroline come back here
467
00:20:53,229 --> 00:20:56,196
and lock me in the walk-in
till Sophie gets home.
468
00:20:56,198 --> 00:20:58,699
Max, I just realized we're kind
of the supermodels
469
00:20:58,701 --> 00:21:00,567
of waitressing.
470
00:21:00,569 --> 00:21:02,803
And I just realized my boobs
aren't always supposed to hit
471
00:21:02,805 --> 00:21:05,139
my side.