1
00:00:01,544 --> 00:00:04,246
I'm Max.
I'll be your waitress,
2
00:00:04,248 --> 00:00:06,848
'cause they don't do
background checks here.
3
00:00:06,850 --> 00:00:08,183
Oh, you'll
be our waitress.
4
00:00:08,185 --> 00:00:10,018
I never guessed
that based on the uniform
5
00:00:10,020 --> 00:00:13,889
and name tag
that says "Max."
6
00:00:13,891 --> 00:00:16,925
You know I make,
like, $3, right?
7
00:00:16,927 --> 00:00:19,327
I realize that's a lot
of money in the 1920s
8
00:00:19,329 --> 00:00:21,963
where you two are from.
9
00:00:21,965 --> 00:00:25,067
Here, open this
and bring us two clean glasses.
10
00:00:25,069 --> 00:00:27,903
Sure, not-so-great gatsby.
11
00:00:29,472 --> 00:00:31,406
Hey, oj and Nicole.
12
00:00:34,043 --> 00:00:36,678
Rude snobs at table ten.
You know what that means.
13
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,414
Wine swap?
- Let's roll.
14
00:00:41,050 --> 00:00:43,485
Hey, Oleg,
I need one of those $2 merlots
15
00:00:43,487 --> 00:00:46,688
you get from your cousin
with the hole in his neck.
16
00:00:46,690 --> 00:00:48,090
Caroline, price check.
17
00:00:48,092 --> 00:00:52,594
Oh! Chateau pavie, 2008.
Very expensive.
18
00:00:52,596 --> 00:00:54,162
But, hey,
we deserve it.
19
00:00:55,665 --> 00:00:57,099
Here, better
let it breathe.
20
00:00:57,101 --> 00:00:59,468
It was in my gym bag.
21
00:01:00,870 --> 00:01:02,070
Not a problem.
22
00:01:02,072 --> 00:01:05,006
This vintage pairs well
with jockstrap.
23
00:01:05,008 --> 00:01:07,742
Do you think waitresses
did this to me when I had money?
24
00:01:07,744 --> 00:01:09,611
Only if you had
an attitude.
25
00:01:09,613 --> 00:01:12,347
(Both)
So that's a yes.
26
00:01:12,349 --> 00:01:14,483
I can't remember
if this reminds me
27
00:01:14,485 --> 00:01:18,053
of an old heist movie I saw
on an old heist
28
00:01:18,055 --> 00:01:20,388
I actually participated in.
29
00:01:20,390 --> 00:01:24,192
I know.
We're like ocean's 7/11.
30
00:01:24,194 --> 00:01:26,027
All we're missing
is a tiny Asian guy
31
00:01:26,029 --> 00:01:27,762
who can fit
into small boxes.
32
00:01:27,764 --> 00:01:30,866
Hello.
33
00:01:30,868 --> 00:01:33,235
Table ten is looking
for their wine.
34
00:01:33,237 --> 00:01:36,104
Oh, not a problem.
Coming right up.
35
00:01:36,106 --> 00:01:38,874
What did you do?
Why is she smiling?
36
00:01:38,876 --> 00:01:42,244
Are my pants on fire again?
37
00:01:42,246 --> 00:01:44,546
(peter bjorn and John)
¶ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
38
00:01:44,548 --> 00:01:45,947
[cash register bell dings]
39
00:01:45,949 --> 00:01:49,951
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ¶
40
00:01:55,825 --> 00:01:57,259
[metal clanks, mouse squeaks]
41
00:01:57,261 --> 00:01:59,361
Oh, yeah,
take that, sucker!
42
00:01:59,363 --> 00:02:00,595
[Mouse squeaking]
Max, when I said
43
00:02:00,597 --> 00:02:02,430
we need to move
the cupcakes,
44
00:02:02,432 --> 00:02:05,233
I didn't mean through the air
at a rodent's head.
45
00:02:05,235 --> 00:02:08,203
Hey, he ran up the window,
46
00:02:08,205 --> 00:02:11,373
so it's kind of
a stand-your-ground situation.
47
00:02:11,375 --> 00:02:13,308
[Metal clanks, mouse squeaks]
48
00:02:13,310 --> 00:02:17,145
Okay, we're on a time-out.
He's eating my ammo.
49
00:02:17,147 --> 00:02:19,114
Max, business
is down again,
50
00:02:19,116 --> 00:02:21,016
and the only phrase
I've said more than that is,
51
00:02:21,018 --> 00:02:23,285
"please, god,
take me in my sleep."
52
00:02:23,287 --> 00:02:25,520
I mean, it's clear.
Not getting ahead.
53
00:02:25,522 --> 00:02:28,356
Oh, is that what
your mood is about?
54
00:02:28,358 --> 00:02:30,659
You're not getting
any ahead?
55
00:02:30,661 --> 00:02:33,128
'Cause I can take care
of that with one call.
56
00:02:33,130 --> 00:02:34,563
You are not hooking me up
with that guy
57
00:02:34,565 --> 00:02:38,667
who's listed in your phone
as "oral redenbacher."
58
00:02:40,169 --> 00:02:41,536
Max, this
is our future.
59
00:02:41,538 --> 00:02:43,805
We need to get serious
about making money.
60
00:02:43,807 --> 00:02:47,175
Absolutely.
Let's leave early.
61
00:02:47,177 --> 00:02:50,478
Leave early?
Who are we, congress?
62
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,781
Do you think other
business got successful
63
00:02:52,783 --> 00:02:54,015
by leaving early?
64
00:02:54,017 --> 00:02:55,650
No, they did it
by hiring illegals
65
00:02:55,652 --> 00:02:59,988
and moving their
bank accounts offshore.
66
00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:01,189
We can't leave early.
67
00:03:01,191 --> 00:03:03,124
The sign says
"open till 2:00 A.M."
68
00:03:03,126 --> 00:03:07,462
Well, I'm open to getting
a new sign that says "closed."
69
00:03:07,464 --> 00:03:09,364
I mean, are we supposed
to just hang around here
70
00:03:09,366 --> 00:03:12,701
and wait for whatever nut jobs
are trolling around town?
71
00:03:12,703 --> 00:03:14,502
Hi, girls.
72
00:03:16,505 --> 00:03:18,573
Guess what Oleg and I
are going to do
73
00:03:18,575 --> 00:03:21,509
that will probably
give me hep c.
74
00:03:21,511 --> 00:03:24,646
A three way
with Tommy Lee?
75
00:03:24,648 --> 00:03:28,617
No, silly.
We're getting matching tattoos.
76
00:03:28,619 --> 00:03:31,553
We want something that
represents our relationship.
77
00:03:31,555 --> 00:03:34,155
So maybe two butterflies
doing the nasty
78
00:03:34,157 --> 00:03:36,625
during "CSI: Miami."
79
00:03:36,627 --> 00:03:38,827
Wow, you two,
his and her tats.
80
00:03:38,829 --> 00:03:42,297
Romantic and will help
identify the bodies.
81
00:03:42,299 --> 00:03:45,166
Sure, you know,
matching tattoos
82
00:03:45,168 --> 00:03:48,103
are the deepest expression
of commitment.
83
00:03:48,105 --> 00:03:49,537
Well, matching tattoos
84
00:03:49,539 --> 00:03:53,541
and pooping in front
of each other.
85
00:03:53,543 --> 00:03:55,777
I'm not gonna do it
in front of my man.
86
00:03:55,779 --> 00:04:00,749
I poop at McDonald's
'cause I'm a lady.
87
00:04:00,751 --> 00:04:03,218
Thanks for the cupcake.
88
00:04:03,220 --> 00:04:05,453
We really have
to start charging her.
89
00:04:05,455 --> 00:04:09,257
Charge her with what,
first-degree man-settling?
90
00:04:09,259 --> 00:04:11,693
Max, as I was saying,
it's time to get serious
91
00:04:11,695 --> 00:04:12,727
about the business.
92
00:04:12,729 --> 00:04:15,430
Absolutely.
Let's leave early.
93
00:04:15,432 --> 00:04:17,332
What? Last night
after 1:00,
94
00:04:17,334 --> 00:04:19,501
we made
only $15, right?
95
00:04:19,503 --> 00:04:21,903
$14.63.
96
00:04:21,905 --> 00:04:23,471
What? Math is
my thing.
97
00:04:23,473 --> 00:04:25,273
Would you roll your eyes
if you were standing
98
00:04:25,275 --> 00:04:28,209
across from eminem
and he started rapping?
99
00:04:28,211 --> 00:04:30,912
Uh, yes.
100
00:04:30,914 --> 00:04:34,616
I'd be all, "dude, you're 60.
Sit on a porch swing."
101
00:04:36,185 --> 00:04:37,886
Okay, look,
here is $15.
102
00:04:37,888 --> 00:04:40,255
That'll cover
what we'll probably make.
103
00:04:40,257 --> 00:04:41,690
I'm leaving.
104
00:04:41,692 --> 00:04:43,391
You're just gonna
leave me here?
105
00:04:43,393 --> 00:04:45,327
Yup, I'm leaving as soon
as I get my change back
106
00:04:45,329 --> 00:04:47,729
from that $14.63.
107
00:04:47,731 --> 00:04:50,799
Fine, just tell me
how much that is.
108
00:04:50,801 --> 00:04:52,834
Or maybe sooner.
109
00:04:55,705 --> 00:04:58,740
This is a very
big day for me.
110
00:04:58,742 --> 00:05:01,142
Why, because of this
totally out-of-the-blue order
111
00:05:01,144 --> 00:05:03,311
we got to do cupcakes
for this business seminar?
112
00:05:03,313 --> 00:05:06,014
No, the first time
I've entered a Sheridan
113
00:05:06,016 --> 00:05:08,383
through a door.
114
00:05:08,385 --> 00:05:11,419
Usually it's by window
or freight elevator.
115
00:05:11,421 --> 00:05:13,955
And one time, I rolled in
under some girl's
116
00:05:13,957 --> 00:05:16,324
quinceañera dress.
117
00:05:16,326 --> 00:05:17,992
The seminar's
about to start.
118
00:05:17,994 --> 00:05:21,796
I have unclaimed name tags
for Pamela, Ellen...
119
00:05:21,798 --> 00:05:23,898
What kind of losers
would come to this?
120
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,701
Max, Caroline.
121
00:05:26,703 --> 00:05:28,803
I wouldn't
call us losers.
122
00:05:28,805 --> 00:05:30,171
Are you here?
123
00:05:30,173 --> 00:05:32,741
Okay, so there
is no cupcake order.
124
00:05:32,743 --> 00:05:34,642
I signed us up
for this seminar.
125
00:05:34,644 --> 00:05:38,513
I carried cupcakes
on a subway for nothing?
126
00:05:38,515 --> 00:05:43,251
The annoying woman next
to me talked the whole time.
127
00:05:43,253 --> 00:05:47,389
I was sitting
next to you, Max.
128
00:05:47,391 --> 00:05:49,357
Look, I knew you wouldn't
come otherwise,
129
00:05:49,359 --> 00:05:51,259
and you need to be here.
130
00:05:51,261 --> 00:05:53,361
This is a business
intervention.
131
00:05:53,363 --> 00:05:56,398
It's not an intervention.
132
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,333
Max, your behavior lately
has affected me
133
00:05:58,335 --> 00:06:01,569
in the following ways.
134
00:06:01,571 --> 00:06:02,871
I can't believe this.
135
00:06:02,873 --> 00:06:05,807
At least in my other
interventions I was drunk.
136
00:06:05,809 --> 00:06:07,776
We need
to do this seminar.
137
00:06:07,778 --> 00:06:09,411
Gordon kepper
is a genius.
138
00:06:09,413 --> 00:06:11,379
He's gonna give our business
a real bump.
139
00:06:11,381 --> 00:06:13,515
Guys giving me a bump
is why they threw me
140
00:06:13,517 --> 00:06:16,217
that second
intervention.
141
00:06:16,219 --> 00:06:17,485
Let's go.
142
00:06:17,487 --> 00:06:19,621
Oh, mm, okay.
See you.
143
00:06:19,623 --> 00:06:21,356
So this is
your new thing, Max?
144
00:06:21,358 --> 00:06:22,657
You're just
gonna walk out on me?
145
00:06:22,659 --> 00:06:24,492
Actually, it's
an old thing.
146
00:06:24,494 --> 00:06:27,328
In fact, it's kind
of a family tradition.
147
00:06:27,330 --> 00:06:31,166
I learned from my father,
whoever he is.
148
00:06:31,168 --> 00:06:33,435
Come on.
It's just two days.
149
00:06:33,437 --> 00:06:35,770
Two days?
No way.
150
00:06:35,772 --> 00:06:36,805
No freaking way.
151
00:06:36,807 --> 00:06:38,440
There's a buffet
and a dessert bar.
152
00:06:38,442 --> 00:06:39,908
Ooh, okay.
153
00:06:41,377 --> 00:06:43,111
Wait here, I'll go pay.
I brought some cash.
154
00:06:43,113 --> 00:06:45,413
And they'll take an expired
target gift card, right?
155
00:06:45,415 --> 00:06:47,782
Oh, we are
not paying.
156
00:06:47,784 --> 00:06:49,851
Here.
Here, Pamela.
157
00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:52,554
Follow Ellen
to the freight elevator.
158
00:06:52,556 --> 00:06:54,722
No way, Max.
We are not sneaking in.
159
00:06:54,724 --> 00:06:57,392
How much
is this thing?
- $1,000.
160
00:06:57,394 --> 00:06:59,761
We're sneaking
in, Ellen.
161
00:07:03,766 --> 00:07:05,200
Now, you all
are here today
162
00:07:05,202 --> 00:07:07,335
not only to find out
what you are as a business
163
00:07:07,337 --> 00:07:10,138
but to find out
who you are.
164
00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:12,307
I'm a lady hoping
there's macaroni and cheese
165
00:07:12,309 --> 00:07:13,908
at that buffet.
166
00:07:13,910 --> 00:07:16,144
Who are you
is your brand,
167
00:07:16,146 --> 00:07:17,812
and saying that a brand
is simply a name
168
00:07:17,814 --> 00:07:21,850
is like saying Abraham Lincoln
is simply a name,
169
00:07:21,852 --> 00:07:25,820
or mahatma Gandhi, god.
170
00:07:25,822 --> 00:07:28,389
Who does this guy
think he is?
171
00:07:28,391 --> 00:07:31,392
I'm sure you're wondering,
"who does this guy think he is?"
172
00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:34,863
Okay, that was weird.
173
00:07:34,865 --> 00:07:37,866
Or maybe
this seems weird.
174
00:07:39,201 --> 00:07:41,069
I've got chills.
175
00:07:41,071 --> 00:07:42,303
When it comes to business,
176
00:07:42,305 --> 00:07:43,805
people come up to me
all the time.
177
00:07:43,807 --> 00:07:45,640
They say,
"Gordon, business is hard,
178
00:07:45,642 --> 00:07:47,775
but I do what I can."
179
00:07:47,777 --> 00:07:50,078
And they shrug.
Now, is that the right attitude?
180
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,947
(All)
No.
- Yes.
181
00:07:52,949 --> 00:07:56,784
To those people,
I say, "don't do what you can.
182
00:07:56,786 --> 00:07:58,086
Can what you do."
183
00:07:58,088 --> 00:08:00,455
don't do what you can.
184
00:08:00,457 --> 00:08:02,290
Can what you do!
Get it?
185
00:08:02,292 --> 00:08:03,424
Do you get it?
186
00:08:03,426 --> 00:08:05,793
(All)
Yes.
- No.
187
00:08:05,795 --> 00:08:07,896
You did not get it.
Shh.
188
00:08:07,898 --> 00:08:09,764
All right, everybody,
reach under your chairs
189
00:08:09,766 --> 00:08:10,965
and pick up
what you find there.
190
00:08:10,967 --> 00:08:13,801
Hope it's a way
out of here.
191
00:08:15,771 --> 00:08:17,105
Koosh balls?
192
00:08:17,107 --> 00:08:20,008
Inside those cans,
you will find the key
193
00:08:20,010 --> 00:08:21,576
to success
in your business.
194
00:08:21,578 --> 00:08:24,045
Not unless the key
is Rosie O'Donnell's career
195
00:08:24,047 --> 00:08:27,282
before her buzz cut.
196
00:08:27,284 --> 00:08:28,850
Truth.
197
00:08:28,852 --> 00:08:30,685
That's the big secret
to business.
198
00:08:30,687 --> 00:08:32,754
If people buy
what you're saying,
199
00:08:32,756 --> 00:08:34,989
they will buy
what you're selling.
200
00:08:34,991 --> 00:08:38,226
Max, stay alert.
This could go to cult like that.
201
00:08:38,228 --> 00:08:40,428
I like to think of those things
you're holding
202
00:08:40,430 --> 00:08:44,265
as my truth balls.
203
00:08:48,103 --> 00:08:52,106
Screw this.
Let's get to the meatballs.
204
00:08:52,108 --> 00:08:53,841
Anytime in the next
two days,
205
00:08:53,843 --> 00:08:55,577
one of you is up here
selling you something
206
00:08:55,579 --> 00:08:57,845
that you feel is just bull,
207
00:08:57,847 --> 00:08:59,714
then toss it--
208
00:08:59,716 --> 00:09:00,748
Max!
209
00:09:00,750 --> 00:09:03,685
I mean, Ellen!
210
00:09:03,687 --> 00:09:06,921
Yeah, baby.
211
00:09:06,923 --> 00:09:09,691
That is what
I'm talking about.
212
00:09:09,693 --> 00:09:10,992
Whoever threw that
is not afraid
213
00:09:10,994 --> 00:09:12,026
to really go for it,
214
00:09:12,028 --> 00:09:13,761
and that will go
a long way
215
00:09:13,763 --> 00:09:15,430
toward success
in business.
216
00:09:15,432 --> 00:09:17,732
All right, cool, but it is
a long way to the buffet?
217
00:09:17,734 --> 00:09:20,034
'Cause I am starving.
218
00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:23,438
Okay, everyone.
219
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,540
Consider these small groups
you've broken into
220
00:09:25,542 --> 00:09:27,175
as little think tanks.
221
00:09:27,177 --> 00:09:30,411
I need you to work together
and bring out your very best.
222
00:09:30,413 --> 00:09:31,613
[Snores]
223
00:09:31,615 --> 00:09:33,348
Max!
224
00:09:33,350 --> 00:09:34,549
don't blame me.
225
00:09:34,551 --> 00:09:36,918
Blame the heavy cream
at the fettuccini bar.
226
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:41,155
Alfredo must be Italian
for "roofie."
227
00:09:41,157 --> 00:09:43,291
So, Ellen,
tell us what you have,
228
00:09:43,293 --> 00:09:46,227
and I'll tell you
what we think.
229
00:09:46,229 --> 00:09:47,729
Oh, Ellen.
That's you.
230
00:09:47,731 --> 00:09:49,764
Oh, oh, yes, yes,
that's me.
231
00:09:49,766 --> 00:09:51,733
I'm Ellen.
Definitely an Ellen.
232
00:09:51,735 --> 00:09:53,601
See, I dance.
233
00:09:57,573 --> 00:09:58,973
Okay.
234
00:10:00,709 --> 00:10:04,646
Okay.
Okay, now it's weird.
235
00:10:04,648 --> 00:10:06,614
So, Ellen...
236
00:10:08,183 --> 00:10:10,151
Let's hear your b.B.B.--
237
00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:13,354
your brilliant
business brand.
238
00:10:13,356 --> 00:10:14,389
Uh...
239
00:10:14,391 --> 00:10:15,390
[Chuckles]
240
00:10:15,392 --> 00:10:16,691
[Stammers]
241
00:10:16,693 --> 00:10:19,227
I-I don't do the talking.
Pamela does the talking.
242
00:10:19,229 --> 00:10:20,495
Pam?
- Thanks, Ellen.
243
00:10:20,497 --> 00:10:25,199
Hello, everyone,
my name is Pam panning,
244
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:27,535
and what my partner, Ellen,
was trying to say is,
245
00:10:27,537 --> 00:10:30,505
we making very beautiful
artisan cupcakes.
246
00:10:30,507 --> 00:10:32,440
Yeah, but they're
still cool.
247
00:10:32,442 --> 00:10:34,342
I never said
they weren't cool.
248
00:10:34,344 --> 00:10:36,544
Yeah, mm, maybe they just
didn't sound cool
249
00:10:36,546 --> 00:10:39,947
coming out of your face.
250
00:10:39,949 --> 00:10:41,716
I'm sorry,
but at least actual words
251
00:10:41,718 --> 00:10:44,285
are better than,
"uh, uh-uh, uh..."
252
00:10:44,287 --> 00:10:46,120
Ladies, hold.
253
00:10:46,122 --> 00:10:47,655
Sometimes in business
254
00:10:47,657 --> 00:10:51,759
parents' ships will sail
in two different directions,
255
00:10:51,761 --> 00:10:53,761
so you two need to find out
if you're gonna continue
256
00:10:53,763 --> 00:10:57,098
to sail apart
or if you're gonna change course
257
00:10:57,100 --> 00:11:01,102
and reconvene at the port
of mutual understanding.
258
00:11:01,104 --> 00:11:03,404
Well, we can't sail
too far apart
259
00:11:03,406 --> 00:11:05,206
'cause I'm definitely
gonna have to explain
260
00:11:05,208 --> 00:11:08,543
what you just said to her.
261
00:11:08,545 --> 00:11:09,944
I got it.
262
00:11:09,946 --> 00:11:13,448
I'm a boat, and I'm trying
to get away from you.
263
00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:16,451
Sounds right to me.
264
00:11:16,453 --> 00:11:17,585
Think it over.
265
00:11:17,587 --> 00:11:19,887
Talk it over
with your first mate.
266
00:11:19,889 --> 00:11:22,657
[Snickers]
267
00:11:22,659 --> 00:11:23,925
Come back tomorrow
268
00:11:23,927 --> 00:11:26,060
and tell me
who your business is,
269
00:11:26,062 --> 00:11:27,729
and I'll help guide you
toward that purpose.
270
00:11:27,731 --> 00:11:30,598
And remember,
you can't purpose without--
271
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,167
puss.
- Okay, wow.
272
00:11:33,169 --> 00:11:36,204
Gordon, her boat's kind
of in shallow water right now,
273
00:11:36,206 --> 00:11:38,139
but we're gonna go away,
get it together,
274
00:11:38,141 --> 00:11:40,041
and come back
and blow you away.
275
00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:42,176
And you can't spell
"blow you away" without--
276
00:11:42,178 --> 00:11:43,611
our ship's leaving.
277
00:11:47,616 --> 00:11:48,816
Oh, hello.
278
00:11:48,818 --> 00:11:50,551
Welcome to
the williamsburg diner.
279
00:11:50,553 --> 00:11:55,990
Can I get you anything,
like a work ethic?
280
00:11:55,992 --> 00:11:58,626
Han, this is adorable,
but we're busy.
281
00:11:58,628 --> 00:12:00,461
We're pitching
our business brand tomorrow,
282
00:12:00,463 --> 00:12:02,263
and Max and I need to get
on the same page.
283
00:12:02,265 --> 00:12:03,664
Yeah, we don't want
to work here
284
00:12:03,666 --> 00:12:05,266
the rest of our lives.
285
00:12:05,268 --> 00:12:08,536
Well, now we're all
on the same page.
286
00:12:08,538 --> 00:12:10,004
Han, just give us
ten minutes.
287
00:12:10,006 --> 00:12:11,272
Then we'll get to work.
288
00:12:11,274 --> 00:12:12,473
Well, I've waited
four years.
289
00:12:12,475 --> 00:12:14,175
What's another
ten minutes?
290
00:12:15,544 --> 00:12:17,512
Max, I have to say
I was a little thrown
291
00:12:17,514 --> 00:12:19,180
by that thing
you said today.
292
00:12:19,182 --> 00:12:21,082
What, that the best sex
I've ever had
293
00:12:21,084 --> 00:12:23,751
was alone
on the tilt-a-whirl?
294
00:12:23,753 --> 00:12:27,088
No, why would that throw me?
You say that every day.
295
00:12:27,090 --> 00:12:29,624
No, that thing about me
not sounding cool.
296
00:12:29,626 --> 00:12:33,027
Why would that throw you?
I say it every day.
297
00:12:33,029 --> 00:12:35,463
Yes, but not about
the business.
298
00:12:35,465 --> 00:12:37,632
So what was it?
The word "artisan"?
299
00:12:37,634 --> 00:12:43,304
Okay, first of all,
it sounds like fart-isan,
300
00:12:43,306 --> 00:12:47,074
as in, "a fart is
in this room right now."
301
00:12:47,076 --> 00:12:51,078
Somebody finally
called you out on it, Caroline.
302
00:12:53,282 --> 00:12:55,316
So I was thinking
our slogan could be,
303
00:12:55,318 --> 00:12:58,820
"Max's homemade cupcakes.
Sugar and spice."
304
00:12:58,822 --> 00:13:01,489
I'd rather go
with fart-isan.
305
00:13:01,491 --> 00:13:02,623
Really, beavis?
306
00:13:02,625 --> 00:13:05,893
What does your business partner
butthead think?
307
00:13:05,895 --> 00:13:07,295
Our business
isn't working.
308
00:13:07,297 --> 00:13:09,197
Well, guess who
is working.
309
00:13:09,199 --> 00:13:11,132
Me, the damn owner.
310
00:13:13,535 --> 00:13:14,602
Why are you surprised?
311
00:13:14,604 --> 00:13:16,637
You know how many cupcakes
were not selling.
312
00:13:16,639 --> 00:13:19,106
I mean, you're secretly
eating at least six a night
313
00:13:19,108 --> 00:13:20,975
to make me think
we're selling more.
314
00:13:20,977 --> 00:13:24,579
Also 'cause I'm sad.
315
00:13:24,581 --> 00:13:27,882
Look, I know you went
to wharton and all, but--
316
00:13:27,884 --> 00:13:29,650
wait...
317
00:13:29,652 --> 00:13:31,319
What's happening?
318
00:13:31,321 --> 00:13:35,156
Is this a business
intervention on me?
319
00:13:35,158 --> 00:13:36,591
From someone
who pronounces
320
00:13:36,593 --> 00:13:40,561
the word business
"bidness"?
321
00:13:40,563 --> 00:13:42,530
Why are you giving me
the big eye-painting face?
322
00:13:42,532 --> 00:13:44,265
You knew the business
wasn't working.
323
00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:46,400
Well, I don't hear you
coming up with any ideas.
324
00:13:46,402 --> 00:13:48,035
That's 'cause
you don't listen.
325
00:13:48,037 --> 00:13:49,770
Remember when I said
we should stop making
326
00:13:49,772 --> 00:13:50,938
all these flowery cupcakes
327
00:13:50,940 --> 00:13:52,440
and just make ones
that say mean things
328
00:13:52,442 --> 00:13:55,109
like "eat it"
and "lick me"?
329
00:13:55,111 --> 00:13:57,945
Your big business plan
is cupcakes
330
00:13:57,947 --> 00:13:59,981
that say "eat it"
and "lick me"?
331
00:13:59,983 --> 00:14:02,250
And other funny things
like "loser"
332
00:14:02,252 --> 00:14:04,285
or "eat your feelings."
333
00:14:04,287 --> 00:14:06,387
Hmm, why not just shoot people
in the face
334
00:14:06,389 --> 00:14:08,155
when they come
to the window?
335
00:14:08,157 --> 00:14:10,124
And I thought the back
of our t-shirt
336
00:14:10,126 --> 00:14:14,462
could just say,
"cream filled."
337
00:14:14,464 --> 00:14:17,665
So funny if, like,
a hot girl was wearing it.
338
00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:21,936
And even funnier
if it was a fat guy.
339
00:14:21,938 --> 00:14:24,538
Okay, maybe like
Gordon said,
340
00:14:24,540 --> 00:14:27,408
our partner ships are going
in different directions.
341
00:14:27,410 --> 00:14:29,310
My sugar and spice ship
is going one way,
342
00:14:29,312 --> 00:14:31,078
and your mean
and ugly booze cruise
343
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:32,580
is going another.
344
00:14:32,582 --> 00:14:35,316
So how about tomorrow,
I'll sail my ship,
345
00:14:35,318 --> 00:14:37,752
and you can
sail yours, Ellen.
346
00:14:37,754 --> 00:14:38,953
Done.
347
00:14:38,955 --> 00:14:41,522
And, Pam, I know
you think your ship don't sink,
348
00:14:41,524 --> 00:14:44,225
but it does.
349
00:14:48,463 --> 00:14:52,400
So, Hannah, Todd, go.
350
00:14:52,402 --> 00:14:55,937
Tell us,
who is your business?
351
00:14:55,939 --> 00:14:59,440
We make
guitar case suitcases.
352
00:14:59,442 --> 00:15:04,078
Yeah, they're suitcases
that look like guitar cases
353
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:07,748
so you can look cool
at the airport.
354
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:09,350
So far,
no truth balls.
355
00:15:09,352 --> 00:15:11,786
That means we believe
you're telling some truth
356
00:15:11,788 --> 00:15:13,020
of who you are.
357
00:15:13,022 --> 00:15:15,623
Business is always--
358
00:15:15,625 --> 00:15:16,791
okay then.
359
00:15:16,793 --> 00:15:18,192
So what,
their big idea
360
00:15:18,194 --> 00:15:20,361
is just throwing your crap
in a guitar case?
361
00:15:20,363 --> 00:15:23,331
Well, it's
no fart-isan cupcake.
362
00:15:23,333 --> 00:15:26,100
Todd, Hannah, did you get
together with our graphic artist
363
00:15:26,102 --> 00:15:27,401
to help create a logo?
364
00:15:27,403 --> 00:15:28,669
Yes, we did.
365
00:15:28,671 --> 00:15:31,172
We stayed up all night,
and to be honest,
366
00:15:31,174 --> 00:15:34,775
it got kind of weird.
367
00:15:34,777 --> 00:15:36,277
That's our logo,
368
00:15:36,279 --> 00:15:41,215
and our company's called
"I'm with the band."
369
00:15:43,585 --> 00:15:45,419
Back off!
370
00:15:45,421 --> 00:15:49,090
She just got
out of rehab.
371
00:15:49,092 --> 00:15:51,726
Business is not
for the faint of heart
372
00:15:51,728 --> 00:15:54,829
or coke addicts.
373
00:15:54,831 --> 00:15:56,197
Next up, we've got
Ellen and Pam.
374
00:15:56,199 --> 00:15:58,132
Let's give 'em
some love.
375
00:15:58,134 --> 00:15:59,800
Max, you're really not
gonna go up there
376
00:15:59,802 --> 00:16:01,268
and sell your idea
as a business plan.
377
00:16:01,270 --> 00:16:04,739
Yup, and I feel
pretty good about it.
378
00:16:04,741 --> 00:16:07,008
Okay, well, then I hope
you enjoy lots of balls
379
00:16:07,010 --> 00:16:08,142
in your face.
380
00:16:08,144 --> 00:16:09,910
If I didn't
at burning man,
381
00:16:09,912 --> 00:16:12,747
I doubt I will here.
382
00:16:12,749 --> 00:16:13,748
Gordon, hi.
383
00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:15,282
As you predicted,
384
00:16:15,284 --> 00:16:16,751
today we'll be presenting
our brands separately.
385
00:16:16,753 --> 00:16:20,021
Okay, looks like
we have us a brand off, folks.
386
00:16:20,023 --> 00:16:21,555
This is exciting.
387
00:16:21,557 --> 00:16:26,193
I am feeling it!
388
00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:28,195
Ellen, I know you're not
used to being alone.
389
00:16:28,197 --> 00:16:31,899
Neither was I,
hence wife number three.
390
00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:33,234
don't rush.
391
00:16:33,236 --> 00:16:36,070
Take some time
to get yourself centered.
392
00:16:36,072 --> 00:16:38,739
Yo, yo, yo!
What's happening, Sheridan!
393
00:16:38,741 --> 00:16:40,007
Ellen in the house.
394
00:16:40,009 --> 00:16:42,343
Let me hear some noise.
395
00:16:42,345 --> 00:16:44,345
Yeah. Oh!
All right, all right.
396
00:16:44,347 --> 00:16:47,014
We got some haters.
That's cool.
397
00:16:47,016 --> 00:16:48,983
Ellen, did you design
a logo?
398
00:16:48,985 --> 00:16:52,887
Sure did.
Show it, player.
399
00:16:52,889 --> 00:16:55,723
George, she's talking
to you.
400
00:16:57,092 --> 00:16:58,759
(Gordon)
Oh, good impact.
401
00:16:58,761 --> 00:17:00,494
Boom, cupcake business.
402
00:17:00,496 --> 00:17:01,529
But, um...
403
00:17:01,531 --> 00:17:03,464
Where's the name
of your business.
404
00:17:03,466 --> 00:17:05,866
Oh, I didn't want one.
405
00:17:05,868 --> 00:17:08,536
I just wanted it
to be cool.
406
00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:11,639
So let me
get this correct.
407
00:17:11,641 --> 00:17:13,874
You want to make t-shirts
for your business
408
00:17:13,876 --> 00:17:15,810
with no business connection.
409
00:17:15,812 --> 00:17:17,211
Okay.
410
00:17:17,213 --> 00:17:19,947
This is your journey,
but it might end here.
411
00:17:19,949 --> 00:17:22,650
No, no, no, see,
it's a cupcake,
412
00:17:22,652 --> 00:17:28,622
and we sell cupcakes,
so that's the "bidness."
413
00:17:28,624 --> 00:17:31,659
Okay, you know what?
Screw this!
414
00:17:31,661 --> 00:17:35,463
That t-shirt is way cool,
and if you can't see it,
415
00:17:35,465 --> 00:17:40,868
this seminar is so not worth
the $1,000 I paid.
416
00:17:40,870 --> 00:17:42,570
Peace out.
417
00:17:42,572 --> 00:17:45,473
[Feedback whines]
418
00:17:45,475 --> 00:17:49,677
In business,
we call that a meltdown.
419
00:17:49,679 --> 00:17:51,112
It happens.
420
00:17:51,114 --> 00:17:54,048
So why don't we bring up
Ellen's former partner Pam.
421
00:17:54,050 --> 00:17:55,983
Let's give Pam
a round of applause.
422
00:17:55,985 --> 00:17:57,952
Max, I don't have
to go up there.
423
00:17:57,954 --> 00:17:59,186
Come on,
we can just leave.
424
00:17:59,188 --> 00:18:00,521
Oh, look who wants
425
00:18:00,523 --> 00:18:02,690
to pack up
their guitar suitcase and go.
426
00:18:02,692 --> 00:18:03,724
You know what?
427
00:18:03,726 --> 00:18:05,292
I was only leaving
'cause you failed.
428
00:18:05,294 --> 00:18:07,294
I believe
in my ideas.
429
00:18:09,097 --> 00:18:11,198
Good afternoon.
Hello, hi.
430
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,400
I represent
Max's homemade cupcakes.
431
00:18:13,402 --> 00:18:15,136
(Gordon)
I'm gonna stop you
right there.
432
00:18:15,138 --> 00:18:16,937
Why Max's cupcakes?
433
00:18:16,939 --> 00:18:19,039
Why not Ellen's
or Pam's?
434
00:18:19,041 --> 00:18:20,708
Well, um...
435
00:18:20,710 --> 00:18:24,879
Max was--Max is
this very special person
436
00:18:24,881 --> 00:18:28,015
and the inspiration
behind our whole business.
437
00:18:28,017 --> 00:18:29,183
Got it.
438
00:18:29,185 --> 00:18:30,451
So Max is
an emotional touchstone
439
00:18:30,453 --> 00:18:31,986
for you
and your business.
440
00:18:31,988 --> 00:18:33,787
Yes.
441
00:18:33,789 --> 00:18:34,955
Valid.
Go on.
442
00:18:34,957 --> 00:18:36,157
Great.
443
00:18:36,159 --> 00:18:38,792
So the logo--
444
00:18:38,794 --> 00:18:41,762
George.
445
00:18:41,764 --> 00:18:43,697
This is our current
company logo,
446
00:18:43,699 --> 00:18:45,399
and I feel
it works just fine.
447
00:18:45,401 --> 00:18:49,069
I mean, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it, right?
448
00:18:49,071 --> 00:18:51,272
Okay.
449
00:18:51,274 --> 00:18:54,275
Well, the cupcake
shows a mix of sweet imagery
450
00:18:54,277 --> 00:18:58,112
because we're two girls trying
to retro-repurpose the phrase
451
00:18:58,114 --> 00:19:02,082
"sugar and spice
and everything nice."
452
00:19:02,084 --> 00:19:03,884
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
453
00:19:03,886 --> 00:19:05,219
Leave Pam alone!
454
00:19:05,221 --> 00:19:06,654
I'm fine, Ellen.
455
00:19:06,656 --> 00:19:08,522
They can't shut me down,
because I believe in us
456
00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:10,925
and our special brand
of artisan cupcakes.
457
00:19:10,927 --> 00:19:13,427
Why?
458
00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:21,535
Give me!
459
00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:25,206
Eat it, you losers!
Eat it, eat it!
460
00:19:25,208 --> 00:19:28,275
I see the truth balls
have stopped.
461
00:19:28,277 --> 00:19:31,912
It looks like "eat it, eat it,
you losers,"
462
00:19:31,914 --> 00:19:35,916
might just be your brand.
463
00:19:35,918 --> 00:19:39,520
You two are a combination
of sugar and spice
464
00:19:39,522 --> 00:19:41,655
and things not so nice.
465
00:19:41,657 --> 00:19:45,492
Speaking of truth, I need you
to pay Sandra for the seminar.
466
00:19:45,494 --> 00:19:47,461
As much as I admire
your pluck,
467
00:19:47,463 --> 00:19:51,265
12 trips to the pasta bar
aren't free.
468
00:19:51,267 --> 00:19:53,234
Come on, Pam.
Yeah, let's go, Ellen.
469
00:19:53,236 --> 00:19:54,802
I'm Ellen.
470
00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:03,644
Guess what I have
under my coat.
471
00:20:03,646 --> 00:20:07,147
Well, I know
it's not a boob reduction.
472
00:20:07,149 --> 00:20:08,749
What do you think?
Cool, huh?
473
00:20:08,751 --> 00:20:11,051
Aw, man, somebody
already makes that?
474
00:20:11,053 --> 00:20:12,519
Oh, bummer.
475
00:20:12,521 --> 00:20:14,989
This is like when I thought
I invented chip-wiches.
476
00:20:14,991 --> 00:20:18,025
Should've known.
I was eating one at the time.
477
00:20:18,027 --> 00:20:19,860
No, Max, this is
your shirt.
478
00:20:19,862 --> 00:20:21,729
I got the rendering
from the seminar
479
00:20:21,731 --> 00:20:22,763
and had it made it
480
00:20:22,765 --> 00:20:25,132
we can make anything
in under an hour.
481
00:20:25,134 --> 00:20:26,634
You know, that place
under the bridge
482
00:20:26,636 --> 00:20:30,104
near the underage bar
where you got under arrest.
483
00:20:30,106 --> 00:20:31,505
[Gasps]
No way.
484
00:20:31,507 --> 00:20:33,274
Oh, no way.
That's hot.
485
00:20:33,276 --> 00:20:35,276
I know, and a girl
at the place
486
00:20:35,278 --> 00:20:37,111
asked me
where she could get one.
487
00:20:37,113 --> 00:20:38,345
Really?
488
00:20:38,347 --> 00:20:41,649
Kind of in love
with myself right now.
489
00:20:41,651 --> 00:20:43,717
Hey, what made you change
your mind about the t-shirts?
490
00:20:43,719 --> 00:20:45,386
Well, one of the things
I learned at wharton
491
00:20:45,388 --> 00:20:47,488
is that success depends
on staying open
492
00:20:47,490 --> 00:20:50,090
to a better idea,
even if it's not yours.
493
00:20:50,092 --> 00:20:52,126
Aw.
- And here.
494
00:20:52,128 --> 00:20:54,194
I thought you'd
rather a black one.
495
00:20:54,196 --> 00:20:56,530
On tinder and in life.