1
00:00:01,310 --> 00:00:03,478
Earl, can I borrow
your paper?
2
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:05,013
I want to check my horoscope
3
00:00:05,015 --> 00:00:08,517
to see if I'll still be
a whore in the future.
4
00:00:08,519 --> 00:00:10,419
All right, who
wants to go first?
5
00:00:10,421 --> 00:00:13,088
Ooh, do me. Do me.
Do me.
6
00:00:13,090 --> 00:00:15,057
Can we have one night
at the diner
7
00:00:15,059 --> 00:00:18,360
that doesn't end with you
yelling that at a woman?
8
00:00:18,362 --> 00:00:19,661
All right, I'll go.
9
00:00:19,663 --> 00:00:21,396
"Gemini, the twins,"
10
00:00:21,398 --> 00:00:24,599
and they're both doing fine,
so let's move on.
11
00:00:24,601 --> 00:00:26,268
Han, what sign are you?
12
00:00:26,270 --> 00:00:30,005
I'm guessing
the 40-year-old Virgo.
13
00:00:30,007 --> 00:00:31,606
Max, you don't need
that paper.
14
00:00:31,608 --> 00:00:33,341
I'll tell you
what's in your future--
15
00:00:33,343 --> 00:00:36,411
using my name as a reference
at chipotle.
16
00:00:38,748 --> 00:00:41,216
You guys really believe
in that crap?
17
00:00:41,218 --> 00:00:43,351
They just tell you
what you want to hear.
18
00:00:43,353 --> 00:00:46,221
"You will be rich.
You will be famous."
19
00:00:46,223 --> 00:00:48,356
You'd think I'd buy
a newspaper if it said,
20
00:00:48,358 --> 00:00:51,626
"you will be
a 75-year-old cashier"?
21
00:00:53,463 --> 00:00:55,597
(peter bjorn and John)
¶ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
22
00:00:55,599 --> 00:00:57,265
[cash register bell dings]
23
00:00:57,267 --> 00:01:02,270
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ¶
24
00:01:05,575 --> 00:01:06,942
okay, ready to open?
25
00:01:06,944 --> 00:01:08,310
Never have been,
never will be.
26
00:01:08,312 --> 00:01:09,611
Let's do this.
27
00:01:09,613 --> 00:01:10,946
Wait.
28
00:01:10,948 --> 00:01:13,381
We have to do
our business affirmation.
29
00:01:13,383 --> 00:01:17,719
Please, god, don't let us
be murdered in here.
30
00:01:17,721 --> 00:01:19,454
All right,
let's open 'em up.
31
00:01:20,490 --> 00:01:22,891
Oh, hell no.
- Max.
32
00:01:22,893 --> 00:01:23,892
Hang on.
I wasn't done.
33
00:01:23,894 --> 00:01:27,295
Oh, hell no!
34
00:01:27,297 --> 00:01:29,664
Oh, she's yarn-bombing
that bike.
35
00:01:29,666 --> 00:01:30,999
It's whimsical.
It's new.
36
00:01:31,001 --> 00:01:33,101
It's stupid.
37
00:01:33,103 --> 00:01:35,604
Graffiti, I get.
38
00:01:35,606 --> 00:01:37,639
I see, "die, bitch. Die,"
on a wall,
39
00:01:37,641 --> 00:01:39,774
I think, "okay,
this gentleman
40
00:01:39,776 --> 00:01:41,843
wanted to get that
off his chest."
41
00:01:41,845 --> 00:01:45,447
But this yarn-ival
is pathetic.
42
00:01:45,449 --> 00:01:47,849
Yo, yarnie.
43
00:01:47,851 --> 00:01:49,651
I have a name.
44
00:01:49,653 --> 00:01:51,653
It's Guinevere.
45
00:01:51,655 --> 00:01:54,022
Yep, that checks out.
46
00:01:54,024 --> 00:01:55,357
What's happening
over here?
47
00:01:55,359 --> 00:01:57,125
Why are you molesting
that poor bike?
48
00:01:57,127 --> 00:01:59,327
Well...
49
00:01:59,329 --> 00:02:00,929
I am beautifying the city
50
00:02:00,931 --> 00:02:04,065
one living, glorious work
of art at a time.
51
00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:06,234
And tips are always
appreciated.
52
00:02:06,236 --> 00:02:07,903
[Scoffs]
53
00:02:07,905 --> 00:02:09,838
Here's a tip:
54
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,840
Go back to school
and learn a trade
55
00:02:11,842 --> 00:02:14,743
before daddy's money
runs out.
56
00:02:14,745 --> 00:02:15,944
Well, I never--
57
00:02:15,946 --> 00:02:18,346
worked a day in your life,
we know.
58
00:02:18,348 --> 00:02:20,248
You think this
is artwork?
59
00:02:20,250 --> 00:02:24,119
Artwork is a Garfield mug,
sweetheart.
60
00:02:24,121 --> 00:02:25,954
You got Garfield
in a hammock, saying,
61
00:02:25,956 --> 00:02:27,689
"I'm not overweight.
I'm under-tall,"
62
00:02:27,691 --> 00:02:30,592
I'll build you a gallery
right here.
63
00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:33,895
Look, you should
move on.
64
00:02:33,897 --> 00:02:35,363
My friend doesn't
want you--
65
00:02:35,365 --> 00:02:36,798
how shall I put this?
66
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,468
Taking a giant knit
in front of our shop.
67
00:02:40,470 --> 00:02:43,038
What is the problem?
It is not even your bike.
68
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,106
It's been chained here
for, like, four months.
69
00:02:45,108 --> 00:02:46,808
Oh, yeah?
70
00:02:46,810 --> 00:02:48,810
Maybe it is our bike,
71
00:02:48,812 --> 00:02:51,813
and we use it
for deliveries
72
00:02:51,815 --> 00:02:54,282
and to trap nerds.
73
00:02:55,785 --> 00:02:56,985
Peace out,
ganja beer,
74
00:02:56,987 --> 00:02:58,520
before I knit you
a noose.
75
00:03:02,158 --> 00:03:04,226
Max, that was
a great idea.
76
00:03:04,228 --> 00:03:05,393
What, that she go back
to school?
77
00:03:05,395 --> 00:03:06,828
I know.
78
00:03:06,830 --> 00:03:08,063
At least a couple
night classes, right?
79
00:03:08,065 --> 00:03:10,298
Get around
some people.
80
00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:13,235
She's a lost cause.
Let's move on.
81
00:03:13,237 --> 00:03:15,470
I'm talking about us
doing deliveries.
82
00:03:15,472 --> 00:03:17,138
Why do we never deliver?
83
00:03:17,140 --> 00:03:19,841
Speak for yourself.
I've delivered.
84
00:03:22,878 --> 00:03:25,480
Seriously, Max, those
delivery services--
85
00:03:25,482 --> 00:03:27,916
eat24, grubhub--
do big business.
86
00:03:27,918 --> 00:03:29,584
No one wants
to go out now.
87
00:03:29,586 --> 00:03:30,919
People are so lazy.
88
00:03:30,921 --> 00:03:33,755
I don't really feel
like it.
89
00:03:33,757 --> 00:03:35,724
Seriously, Max,
all we have to do
90
00:03:35,726 --> 00:03:37,425
is slap a delivery charge
on that product,
91
00:03:37,427 --> 00:03:40,695
and suddenly, a $5 cupcake
is bringing in more money.
92
00:03:40,697 --> 00:03:42,664
And do you know what
more money means?
93
00:03:42,666 --> 00:03:45,533
No.
How would I know that?
94
00:03:48,571 --> 00:03:50,071
Okay, question:
95
00:03:50,073 --> 00:03:54,009
Which of these goes
better with no pants?
96
00:03:54,011 --> 00:03:57,078
I don't know.
They're both timeless...
97
00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:00,682
As in, there's no time
you should wear those.
98
00:04:00,684 --> 00:04:02,317
You can't be objective.
99
00:04:02,319 --> 00:04:03,652
You're like a kid
in a candy store.
100
00:04:03,654 --> 00:04:05,453
I'll ask Max.
101
00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:10,525
Uh, well, the red one
kind of matches your rash.
102
00:04:10,527 --> 00:04:13,328
I think we have a winner.
103
00:04:13,330 --> 00:04:16,331
So why are you trying out
the fancy mesh tonight?
104
00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:18,833
Well, even though Sophie and I
are getting back together,
105
00:04:18,835 --> 00:04:21,703
we wanted to make it special
and hold off on the sexual part
106
00:04:21,705 --> 00:04:23,438
of the relationship
until tonight.
107
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,340
That is so sweet.
- I know.
108
00:04:25,342 --> 00:04:28,543
I haven't even masturbated since
right before I came in here.
109
00:04:32,882 --> 00:04:35,050
So, Chestnut, I was buying
some rolling papers
110
00:04:35,052 --> 00:04:36,685
at the bodega,
111
00:04:36,687 --> 00:04:40,522
and I hope this is cool,
but I said they were for you.
112
00:04:40,524 --> 00:04:43,992
Max, I have good news
and bad news.
113
00:04:43,994 --> 00:04:45,627
The bad news is,
114
00:04:45,629 --> 00:04:48,129
this is the only good news
I've had in three years.
115
00:04:48,131 --> 00:04:50,398
And the good news is...
116
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,367
You found yourself
a new apartment?
117
00:04:53,703 --> 00:04:55,003
don't toy with me, woman.
118
00:04:55,005 --> 00:04:56,237
Speak plainly and clearly.
119
00:04:56,239 --> 00:04:59,107
Did you find a new apartment?
120
00:04:59,109 --> 00:05:01,576
Close your eyes.
I'll give you a hint.
121
00:05:01,578 --> 00:05:03,445
Last time I was told
to close my eyes,
122
00:05:03,447 --> 00:05:07,082
I woke up in a bikini
on a garbage barge.
123
00:05:07,084 --> 00:05:10,385
P.S., closest I ever got
to a vacation.
124
00:05:12,288 --> 00:05:14,089
[Horn honking]
125
00:05:14,091 --> 00:05:17,926
Oh, you're dating a clown?
126
00:05:17,928 --> 00:05:20,395
Please, you know
I would have told you
127
00:05:20,397 --> 00:05:22,664
if I was dating someone
who had a car.
128
00:05:22,666 --> 00:05:26,835
Look, it's the abandoned bike
from in front of the shop.
129
00:05:26,837 --> 00:05:29,104
It was the bike from
the front of the shop.
130
00:05:29,106 --> 00:05:33,408
Now it looks like a contestant
on rupaul's bike race.
131
00:05:33,410 --> 00:05:35,076
We're gonna use it
to make deliveries.
132
00:05:35,078 --> 00:05:37,512
I already signed us up
for three delivery services.
133
00:05:37,514 --> 00:05:38,947
Still crazy smart.
134
00:05:38,949 --> 00:05:40,081
Waste of time.
135
00:05:40,083 --> 00:05:41,583
Amazon's got drones,
136
00:05:41,585 --> 00:05:44,753
and we've got
one gay bike.
137
00:05:44,755 --> 00:05:46,254
I don't want to do
deliveries.
138
00:05:46,256 --> 00:05:48,590
I got this.
You bake, I'll bike.
139
00:05:48,592 --> 00:05:52,093
And while you bike,
I'll get baked.
140
00:05:52,095 --> 00:05:53,762
I'm just gonna knock out
these three "delivs,"
141
00:05:53,764 --> 00:05:55,363
and I'll met you
at the cupcake shop.
142
00:05:55,365 --> 00:05:57,165
"Delivs"?
You like "delivs"?
143
00:05:57,167 --> 00:05:58,833
It's an "abbreve"
I made up for "deliveries."
144
00:05:58,835 --> 00:06:00,435
You like "abbreve"?
145
00:06:00,437 --> 00:06:02,670
It's an "ab" I made up
for "abbreviation."
146
00:06:02,672 --> 00:06:06,574
I'm gonna make this short.
Get out.
147
00:06:06,576 --> 00:06:08,243
Hey, everybody.
148
00:06:09,779 --> 00:06:11,279
Sophie, what
do you think?
149
00:06:11,281 --> 00:06:13,415
Aw, good for you,
Caroline.
150
00:06:13,417 --> 00:06:15,550
I've been saying that
you should hop on something
151
00:06:15,552 --> 00:06:19,387
pink and ride it
since I met you.
152
00:06:19,389 --> 00:06:23,625
[Horn honking]
153
00:06:23,627 --> 00:06:26,628
Ah, Max, I'm so glad
you're alone,
154
00:06:26,630 --> 00:06:29,464
'cause I need some girl talk.
155
00:06:29,466 --> 00:06:31,299
Okay, but the last time
I did girl talk,
156
00:06:31,301 --> 00:06:32,967
I got $3
for the first minute
157
00:06:32,969 --> 00:06:35,937
and $1 for each
additional minute.
158
00:06:35,939 --> 00:06:38,106
No, it's about Oleg.
159
00:06:38,108 --> 00:06:41,142
Last night,
he was unable to...
160
00:06:41,144 --> 00:06:43,978
Oh, what's a nice way
to say this?
161
00:06:43,980 --> 00:06:48,149
He couldn't get his soldier
to stand at attention,
162
00:06:48,151 --> 00:06:51,886
and his penis
wouldn't work either.
163
00:06:51,888 --> 00:06:54,088
Well, uh,
have you tried buying
164
00:06:54,090 --> 00:06:56,658
a Cosmopolitan magazine
or something?
165
00:06:56,660 --> 00:06:58,660
They usually have advice
on sex stuff
166
00:06:58,662 --> 00:07:00,662
and how to hate your body.
167
00:07:00,664 --> 00:07:03,064
Max...
168
00:07:03,066 --> 00:07:06,701
You don't think it
could be me, do you?
169
00:07:06,703 --> 00:07:09,204
No way, Sophie.
You are hot.
170
00:07:09,206 --> 00:07:10,305
Ah.
171
00:07:10,307 --> 00:07:11,506
The first time
Oleg saw you,
172
00:07:11,508 --> 00:07:13,308
his soldier
not only saluted.
173
00:07:13,310 --> 00:07:16,144
It exploded.
174
00:07:16,146 --> 00:07:17,645
You're right.
I am hot.
175
00:07:17,647 --> 00:07:20,381
It's all him.
176
00:07:20,383 --> 00:07:22,817
Remember when I said you didn't
have to do deliveries?
177
00:07:22,819 --> 00:07:23,985
You're gonna have to do
deliveries,
178
00:07:23,987 --> 00:07:25,253
'cause I only went two blocks,
179
00:07:25,255 --> 00:07:26,554
and I'm sweating
like shia lebeouf
180
00:07:26,556 --> 00:07:29,691
at a dui checkpoint.
181
00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:35,363
Okay, you deliver.
I'll open the window.
182
00:07:35,365 --> 00:07:37,765
But first,
business affirmation.
183
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:41,936
Please, god, don't let us
get pistol-whipped in here.
184
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:51,112
It's either that Guinevere
or spider-man came out.
185
00:07:53,749 --> 00:07:56,417
Caroline, can I talk to you
about a private matter,
186
00:07:56,419 --> 00:07:59,120
by which I mean
the matter is my privates.
187
00:07:59,122 --> 00:08:01,155
Okay, but hurry, Oleg.
188
00:08:01,157 --> 00:08:02,991
I'm in the middle
of a dream catcher situation,
189
00:08:02,993 --> 00:08:05,260
and it's a nightmare.
190
00:08:05,262 --> 00:08:06,594
And why me?
191
00:08:06,596 --> 00:08:08,630
'Cause I trust
and respect you
192
00:08:08,632 --> 00:08:12,100
and I feel like you know
your way around a limp penis.
193
00:08:14,436 --> 00:08:16,437
Maybe.
194
00:08:16,439 --> 00:08:19,140
I talked to my therapist--
195
00:08:19,142 --> 00:08:22,677
Roy, you know,
down at the Starbucks.
196
00:08:22,679 --> 00:08:24,379
He told me it's all mental.
197
00:08:24,381 --> 00:08:26,014
We didn't get
much further than that.
198
00:08:26,016 --> 00:08:29,551
He spilled a grande mochaccino
on his sandals.
199
00:08:29,553 --> 00:08:31,653
You're probably just scared.
200
00:08:31,655 --> 00:08:33,555
Intimacy is so hard
for some guys,
201
00:08:33,557 --> 00:08:36,991
it's not hard for some guys.
202
00:08:36,993 --> 00:08:40,028
Yeah, that's
all over my head.
203
00:08:40,030 --> 00:08:42,463
Oh, no,
Max forgot the order slips.
204
00:08:42,465 --> 00:08:45,199
Oleg, I'm sure
it'll all work out.
205
00:08:45,201 --> 00:08:48,703
Good luck getting your penne
al dente.
206
00:08:48,705 --> 00:08:51,673
Again, over my head.
207
00:08:56,378 --> 00:08:58,079
Max, what are
you doing?
208
00:08:58,081 --> 00:09:00,214
What are you doing?
209
00:09:00,216 --> 00:09:01,816
What am I doing?
210
00:09:01,818 --> 00:09:03,284
Well, I think I'm
watching you shove
211
00:09:03,286 --> 00:09:05,587
our delivery bike into
the back of an uber car.
212
00:09:05,589 --> 00:09:08,423
Well, this is uber-awkward.
213
00:09:08,425 --> 00:09:10,825
Come on, come on.
In or out.
214
00:09:10,827 --> 00:09:13,828
All right, Caroline,
this is milesh, with a "k."
215
00:09:13,830 --> 00:09:15,630
He doesn't go to the airport,
216
00:09:15,632 --> 00:09:18,299
and he once drove
some of maroon 5--
217
00:09:18,301 --> 00:09:21,302
so maroon 3.
218
00:09:21,304 --> 00:09:22,737
No, stop.
Caroline.
219
00:09:22,739 --> 00:09:24,939
If you want me to deliver
the cupcakes,
220
00:09:24,941 --> 00:09:27,175
I can't use the bike,
I have to use the car.
221
00:09:27,177 --> 00:09:28,443
Why?
222
00:09:28,445 --> 00:09:31,145
Oh, my god,
are you pregnant?
223
00:09:31,147 --> 00:09:36,451
You ask me that every day,
and almost every day I say no.
224
00:09:36,453 --> 00:09:39,420
Look, I want to tell you,
but it's a secret.
225
00:09:39,422 --> 00:09:40,989
And you can't tell anybody.
226
00:09:40,991 --> 00:09:43,091
Do you seriously think
I would ever tell anyone
227
00:09:43,093 --> 00:09:45,426
anything about this life?
228
00:09:45,428 --> 00:09:47,161
Right.
229
00:09:47,163 --> 00:09:49,464
I don't know
how to ride a bike, okay?
230
00:09:49,466 --> 00:09:51,432
You don't know
how to ride a bike?
231
00:09:51,434 --> 00:09:54,302
Max doesn't know
how to ride a bike?
232
00:09:54,304 --> 00:09:56,437
Damn it, Caroline!
233
00:09:56,439 --> 00:09:57,772
[Laughing]
234
00:09:57,774 --> 00:09:59,507
Max doesn't know
how to ride a bike.
235
00:09:59,509 --> 00:10:00,875
Oh, happy day.
236
00:10:00,877 --> 00:10:02,677
I finally have
something over her.
237
00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:03,978
There is a god,
238
00:10:03,980 --> 00:10:05,847
and he's laughing
at her too.
239
00:10:07,616 --> 00:10:09,283
Lordy, this is harder to watch
240
00:10:09,285 --> 00:10:12,854
than Jim carrey in a drama.
241
00:10:12,856 --> 00:10:14,789
[Laughing]
242
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:21,295
[Knock at door]
243
00:10:21,297 --> 00:10:24,632
Max, are you up?
244
00:10:24,634 --> 00:10:27,335
What's that smell?
Did you bring home Greek food?
245
00:10:27,337 --> 00:10:29,203
No, that's me.
246
00:10:29,205 --> 00:10:32,173
That's how you smell
after you ride a bike
247
00:10:32,175 --> 00:10:35,743
all over williamsburg delivering
14 orders of cupcakes,
248
00:10:35,745 --> 00:10:37,979
and I do not wish
to smell like this again,
249
00:10:37,981 --> 00:10:40,815
so you have to learn how to ride
that bike, all right?
250
00:10:40,817 --> 00:10:43,518
Who do you think you are
busting in here
251
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,721
smelling like hummus
but having no hummus?
252
00:10:46,723 --> 00:10:48,423
What is the problem?
253
00:10:48,425 --> 00:10:50,191
Didn't your mother ever teach
you how to ride a bike?
254
00:10:50,193 --> 00:10:53,227
No, my mother was too busy
being the town bike.
255
00:10:53,229 --> 00:10:54,929
Well, then I'll teach you.
256
00:10:54,931 --> 00:10:56,464
Nope.
Never getting on a bike.
257
00:10:56,466 --> 00:10:57,932
It's one of my three "nevers."
258
00:10:57,934 --> 00:10:59,500
Yes, well,
your first "never" was,
259
00:10:59,502 --> 00:11:01,769
"never having
a blonde roommate."
260
00:11:01,771 --> 00:11:05,273
You are chipping away at me
piece by piece, lady.
261
00:11:07,176 --> 00:11:09,610
I'm not going anywhere until
you tell me what's going on.
262
00:11:09,612 --> 00:11:12,613
I'd sit on your bed, but
that's your third "never."
263
00:11:12,615 --> 00:11:14,182
[Sighs]
264
00:11:14,184 --> 00:11:16,651
When I was little, there was
this kid, Tommy doonan.
265
00:11:16,653 --> 00:11:19,821
Nice kid, solid hopscotcher.
266
00:11:19,823 --> 00:11:22,190
Used to give me his fruit
roll-up at lunch every day.
267
00:11:22,192 --> 00:11:24,125
Max, did he give you
these fruit roll-ups,
268
00:11:24,127 --> 00:11:25,193
or did you take them?
269
00:11:25,195 --> 00:11:26,994
don't interrupt.
270
00:11:26,996 --> 00:11:29,764
One day, Tommy doonan
got a new bike.
271
00:11:29,766 --> 00:11:32,667
He was out front
with this nice, older man
272
00:11:32,669 --> 00:11:34,168
who looked just like him.
273
00:11:34,170 --> 00:11:37,105
You mean his dad?
274
00:11:37,107 --> 00:11:39,006
Mm, is that
what they call them?
275
00:11:39,008 --> 00:11:41,809
I assumed it was a predator.
276
00:11:41,811 --> 00:11:44,712
So anyway,
I was making fun of him
277
00:11:44,714 --> 00:11:46,848
'cause he seemed happy.
278
00:11:46,850 --> 00:11:49,684
I thought
that was our thing.
279
00:11:49,686 --> 00:11:52,220
And he started showing off,
doing wheelies and stuff,
280
00:11:52,222 --> 00:11:53,688
to put me in my place,
281
00:11:53,690 --> 00:11:56,758
but then he flipped up
over the handlebars
282
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,761
and came down hard
on his face.
283
00:11:59,763 --> 00:12:01,095
Sad,
284
00:12:01,097 --> 00:12:04,699
but not worth me
having baklava pits.
285
00:12:04,701 --> 00:12:06,300
Well, wait.
286
00:12:06,302 --> 00:12:08,269
After I stopped laughing
287
00:12:08,271 --> 00:12:11,939
and the man picked him up
and hugged him predator-style,
288
00:12:11,941 --> 00:12:16,210
I saw Tommy's teeth
had busted through his cheek.
289
00:12:16,212 --> 00:12:17,712
To put it plainly,
290
00:12:17,714 --> 00:12:21,783
his mouth was
on the outside of his face.
291
00:12:21,785 --> 00:12:25,119
Ew, that's like something
out of a horror movie,
292
00:12:25,121 --> 00:12:28,756
like bike of the living dead
or Texas bike chain massacre
293
00:12:28,758 --> 00:12:31,759
or--well,
that's probably enough.
294
00:12:31,761 --> 00:12:34,929
Every time I see a bike,
I think of his little face
295
00:12:34,931 --> 00:12:38,399
and his little teeth
chomping out the side of it.
296
00:12:38,401 --> 00:12:40,334
He had to eat apples
like this...
297
00:12:40,336 --> 00:12:42,904
[Babbling]
298
00:12:42,906 --> 00:12:45,907
Max, you are not responsible
for that.
299
00:12:45,909 --> 00:12:47,575
Yeah, I know,
300
00:12:47,577 --> 00:12:51,145
and 1 out of the 12 jurors
agreed.
301
00:12:51,147 --> 00:12:54,248
Thank you, number six.
302
00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:57,718
Anyway, it freaked me out,
so good night.
303
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,153
No, Max.
304
00:12:59,155 --> 00:13:00,822
It is not going
to work that way.
305
00:13:00,824 --> 00:13:02,223
You're learning
how to ride a bike.
306
00:13:02,225 --> 00:13:04,358
I'm already
on one painful cycle.
307
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,194
I don't want to get
on another one.
308
00:13:06,196 --> 00:13:08,429
Max, I have access
to tootsie rolls,
309
00:13:08,431 --> 00:13:11,265
and if you get on a bike,
I will give you four.
310
00:13:11,267 --> 00:13:12,567
What am I, a chimp?
311
00:13:12,569 --> 00:13:14,902
Five.
Let's go.
312
00:13:21,243 --> 00:13:22,777
don't look so smug,
Chestnut.
313
00:13:22,779 --> 00:13:25,246
You don't know
how to ride a bike either.
314
00:13:25,248 --> 00:13:27,381
Come on, Max,
just out here in the alley.
315
00:13:27,383 --> 00:13:30,518
Oh, hell no!
316
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,854
What?
- She's been back here too.
317
00:13:32,856 --> 00:13:35,122
Who?
- Guine-queer.
318
00:13:35,124 --> 00:13:39,393
There's so much yarn-bombing,
it's like craft-ganistan.
319
00:13:39,395 --> 00:13:40,428
Max, let it go.
320
00:13:40,430 --> 00:13:42,230
Stay focused.
321
00:13:42,232 --> 00:13:43,264
Get on the bike.
322
00:13:43,266 --> 00:13:44,465
No.
323
00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:45,600
I don't want to eat apples
324
00:13:45,602 --> 00:13:47,969
out of the side
of my face.
325
00:13:47,971 --> 00:13:50,538
Come on.
Let me teach you.
326
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:51,772
Nope.
- Want a tootsie?
327
00:13:51,774 --> 00:13:53,641
You know I do.
328
00:13:53,643 --> 00:13:55,977
I mean, you taught me
how to be poor.
329
00:13:55,979 --> 00:13:58,446
Eh, you're getting
really good at it.
330
00:13:58,448 --> 00:13:59,881
Come on.
331
00:13:59,883 --> 00:14:01,315
You know what they say
about riding a bike.
332
00:14:01,317 --> 00:14:03,517
It's like riding a bike.
See?
333
00:14:03,519 --> 00:14:05,686
It's fun, see?
Whee!
334
00:14:05,688 --> 00:14:08,489
Whee, whee, whee, whee, whee!
Whee!
335
00:14:08,491 --> 00:14:10,157
You got a real pretty mouth,
Caroline.
336
00:14:10,159 --> 00:14:12,793
Can't wait to see it
on the side of your face.
337
00:14:12,795 --> 00:14:14,962
At least just get
on the bike.
338
00:14:14,964 --> 00:14:16,631
You don't even have to go
anywhere yet.
339
00:14:16,633 --> 00:14:17,698
Nope.
Want a tootsie?
340
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,133
You know I do.
341
00:14:19,135 --> 00:14:20,635
Go.
342
00:14:20,637 --> 00:14:21,969
[Groans and scoffs]
343
00:14:21,971 --> 00:14:23,537
What is this bar
doing here?
344
00:14:23,539 --> 00:14:26,707
I have no use for a bar
that can't get me drunk.
345
00:14:26,709 --> 00:14:28,242
Okay, walk the bike
over there
346
00:14:28,244 --> 00:14:30,544
and lean against the car
to get your balance.
347
00:14:30,546 --> 00:14:32,747
Just check and make sure
there's no one around.
348
00:14:32,749 --> 00:14:34,048
Why do you care?
349
00:14:34,050 --> 00:14:35,416
The only people out here
this late
350
00:14:35,418 --> 00:14:37,184
would be rapists,
murderers, and freaks...
351
00:14:37,186 --> 00:14:39,320
[Chuckles]
You know, your peeps.
352
00:14:41,156 --> 00:14:42,189
(Max)
What the--
353
00:14:42,191 --> 00:14:44,525
hey, girls.
354
00:14:44,527 --> 00:14:45,893
Sophie?
355
00:14:45,895 --> 00:14:47,461
What are you doing
in that car alone?
356
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:54,001
Oh, a dark alley
at 3:00 A.M.?
357
00:14:54,003 --> 00:14:56,771
Has money gotten
that tight?
358
00:14:56,773 --> 00:14:59,106
Yes, but that's not
why we're out here.
359
00:14:59,108 --> 00:15:00,608
I'm teaching Max
how to ride a bike,
360
00:15:00,610 --> 00:15:02,109
and it's pretty hard.
361
00:15:02,111 --> 00:15:04,345
Oh, yeah, I wish
I had that problem.
362
00:15:04,347 --> 00:15:07,348
I'm dancing
with a rope in here.
363
00:15:07,350 --> 00:15:09,317
We're trying some
exotic, new locales
364
00:15:09,319 --> 00:15:10,952
for our lovemaking.
365
00:15:10,954 --> 00:15:14,255
It's exotic because
this isn't even our car.
366
00:15:14,257 --> 00:15:15,756
(Sophie)
Oh, uh...
367
00:15:15,758 --> 00:15:19,126
We better hurry before
that rabbi comes back.
368
00:15:19,128 --> 00:15:20,962
Maybe try barking
at it again.
369
00:15:20,964 --> 00:15:23,264
There was some
movement earlier.
370
00:15:23,266 --> 00:15:24,832
[Sophie barking]
371
00:15:24,834 --> 00:15:27,368
Come on, Caroline, teach me
how to ride this thing.
372
00:15:27,370 --> 00:15:29,937
I got to get away
from temple gross shalom
373
00:15:29,939 --> 00:15:31,672
as fast as possible.
374
00:15:31,674 --> 00:15:33,140
Okay, I'm gonna get
behind you
375
00:15:33,142 --> 00:15:34,608
and hold on to your seat.
376
00:15:34,610 --> 00:15:36,444
Not without three
long island iced teas
377
00:15:36,446 --> 00:15:38,813
and one, "your butt
looks good in those jeans."
378
00:15:38,815 --> 00:15:42,283
Tootsie?
Yeah.
379
00:15:42,285 --> 00:15:43,451
Max, don't look.
380
00:15:43,453 --> 00:15:44,785
Yarn-bombing?
381
00:15:44,787 --> 00:15:45,953
(Han)
Hey, Max.
382
00:15:45,955 --> 00:15:47,388
(Max)
Han?
383
00:15:47,390 --> 00:15:49,056
I'm just riding my bike
to the bike store
384
00:15:49,058 --> 00:15:51,192
to buy more bikes.
385
00:15:51,194 --> 00:15:52,660
Is that han or
386
00:15:52,662 --> 00:15:54,729
Lance Armstrong's
runaway testicle?
387
00:15:54,731 --> 00:15:56,397
Sorry, couldn't
hear you.
388
00:15:56,399 --> 00:15:59,433
I was too busy knowing
how to ride a bike.
389
00:15:59,435 --> 00:16:02,370
Damn it!
Now I got to do this.
390
00:16:02,372 --> 00:16:05,072
You know how quickly society
will crumble around us
391
00:16:05,074 --> 00:16:08,876
if han starts feeling like
he can freely tease me?
392
00:16:08,878 --> 00:16:10,277
You sure?
- Yep.
393
00:16:10,279 --> 00:16:11,879
Making fun of han
394
00:16:11,881 --> 00:16:13,981
is one of my two free sources
of entertainment.
395
00:16:13,983 --> 00:16:16,450
The other one is located
right above this bar.
396
00:16:16,452 --> 00:16:18,419
Okay, I'll keep
my hand on the seat,
397
00:16:18,421 --> 00:16:20,721
and then when you're ready,
tell me, and I'll let you go.
398
00:16:20,723 --> 00:16:22,757
Okay, but don't let go
until I say so.
399
00:16:24,259 --> 00:16:25,259
Okay, let go.
400
00:16:25,261 --> 00:16:26,494
Already did.
401
00:16:26,496 --> 00:16:28,062
I'm riding a bike?
402
00:16:28,064 --> 00:16:29,296
Max, look out!
Pothole!
403
00:16:31,733 --> 00:16:35,236
[Groaning]
404
00:16:35,238 --> 00:16:37,671
There goes my other free source
of entertainment.
405
00:16:37,673 --> 00:16:39,306
Tootsie?
406
00:16:39,308 --> 00:16:42,009
Yes, obviously!
407
00:16:46,982 --> 00:16:48,783
[Bell rings]
- Table ten. Pick up, Max.
408
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,320
Yeah, be right there.
409
00:16:53,322 --> 00:16:56,390
Like, you know, in a month.
410
00:16:56,392 --> 00:16:58,559
Uh, Max,
how you doing?
411
00:16:58,561 --> 00:17:02,329
I heard about
your vag-accident.
412
00:17:02,331 --> 00:17:04,231
Look, if you need
to see a doctor,
413
00:17:04,233 --> 00:17:06,834
my cousin in Florida
is a good one,
414
00:17:06,836 --> 00:17:10,671
but then again, the bumpy
bus ride might kill you.
415
00:17:10,673 --> 00:17:13,007
No, no, it'll be fine,
Earl.
416
00:17:13,009 --> 00:17:15,076
I'm icing it.
I just have to keep it cold.
417
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:25,219
We're out of ginger ale.
418
00:17:25,221 --> 00:17:28,956
I think you mean the ginger ale
is out of you.
419
00:17:30,292 --> 00:17:31,725
Max, let me
get that for you.
420
00:17:31,727 --> 00:17:33,761
I feel like it was
kind of my fault.
421
00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:34,762
Kind of?
422
00:17:34,764 --> 00:17:36,130
Was Lincoln's death
423
00:17:36,132 --> 00:17:37,198
kind of John wilkes booth's
fault?
424
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,199
[Bell rings]
425
00:17:38,201 --> 00:17:40,101
Pick up, Caroline.
426
00:17:40,103 --> 00:17:41,802
How'd it go with Sophie?
427
00:17:41,804 --> 00:17:44,038
Were you able to do the thing,
you know, the man does
428
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,274
while the woman makes
shopping lists in her head?
429
00:17:47,276 --> 00:17:48,976
Shh.
Come on.
430
00:17:48,978 --> 00:17:51,312
I don't want anyone to know
I can't get it up.
431
00:17:51,314 --> 00:17:53,681
Oleg can't
get it up?
432
00:17:53,683 --> 00:17:55,883
[Laughing]
433
00:17:55,885 --> 00:17:58,319
OMG. Oleg can't
get it up.
434
00:17:58,321 --> 00:17:59,887
[Laughing]
435
00:17:59,889 --> 00:18:01,322
Best week ever.
436
00:18:01,324 --> 00:18:03,124
Hey, everybody!
437
00:18:05,494 --> 00:18:06,827
What's up?
438
00:18:06,829 --> 00:18:08,162
Not your boyfriend.
439
00:18:08,164 --> 00:18:11,465
[Laughing]
440
00:18:11,467 --> 00:18:12,700
If anyone needs me,
441
00:18:12,702 --> 00:18:14,401
I'll be outside
riding my bike
442
00:18:14,403 --> 00:18:16,237
with an erection.
443
00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:20,541
Oh, no, no, no, no.
He didn't hear it from me.
444
00:18:20,543 --> 00:18:22,309
I only told two people--
445
00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:24,879
Max
and my manicurist, ming wa.
446
00:18:24,881 --> 00:18:27,014
And you don't have to worry
about her
447
00:18:27,016 --> 00:18:29,016
because she doesn't care
about anything
448
00:18:29,018 --> 00:18:32,887
except loving some guy
named long time.
449
00:18:35,357 --> 00:18:37,558
Sophie, baby,
450
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,260
this is hard.
451
00:18:39,262 --> 00:18:41,996
Yeah, maybe we better not
try to be serious.
452
00:18:41,998 --> 00:18:44,498
I mean, the real truth is,
453
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,434
I only like you
for your penis anyway.
454
00:18:47,436 --> 00:18:50,504
Say that again.
455
00:18:50,506 --> 00:18:53,073
What, that I only like you
for your penis?
456
00:18:53,075 --> 00:18:55,509
One more time.
457
00:18:55,511 --> 00:18:58,312
Well, what, that I don't have
any real feelings for you?
458
00:18:58,314 --> 00:19:00,147
That it's completely sexual
459
00:19:00,149 --> 00:19:04,151
and I only like you
for your big, stupid penis?
460
00:19:04,153 --> 00:19:05,753
I'm back, baby.
461
00:19:05,755 --> 00:19:08,589
Sophie, can I see you
in the kitchen?
462
00:19:08,591 --> 00:19:10,624
And we better hurry.
I'm making three-minute eggs.
463
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,195
Cancel my eggs.
464
00:19:16,531 --> 00:19:20,000
I would've so left during
that whole conversation,
465
00:19:20,002 --> 00:19:23,804
but I'm holding a can
of Dr. pepper between my legs.
466
00:19:23,806 --> 00:19:25,940
What? He's a doctor.
He's seen it.
467
00:19:27,442 --> 00:19:29,276
Well, I think we're
pretty much even.
468
00:19:29,278 --> 00:19:32,146
Your legs are a little sore,
and I'll never have children.
469
00:19:32,148 --> 00:19:36,350
So I guess what
I'm saying is thanks.
470
00:19:36,352 --> 00:19:39,620
So you really don't want
to get back on the bike?
471
00:19:39,622 --> 00:19:41,155
You're just gonna give up?
472
00:19:41,157 --> 00:19:43,958
I bet even Tommy doonan
got back on the bike.
473
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,192
Whatever happened to him?
474
00:19:45,194 --> 00:19:47,194
I caught up with him
on Facebook.
475
00:19:47,196 --> 00:19:50,297
Well, more like
really-messed-up-face-book.
476
00:19:50,299 --> 00:19:51,699
He's happily married.
477
00:19:51,701 --> 00:19:53,834
I bet right now
he's driving his car,
478
00:19:53,836 --> 00:19:56,237
looking straight ahead,
and smiling at his wife
479
00:19:56,239 --> 00:20:00,174
in the seat next to him.
480
00:20:00,176 --> 00:20:02,009
So that's it for deliveries?
481
00:20:02,011 --> 00:20:04,878
Oh, you can deliver
wherever and whenever you want,
482
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,082
but there is no way I am ever
getting on that bike again.
483
00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:13,354
Max, look.
Guinevere.
484
00:20:13,356 --> 00:20:14,888
Oh, hell no!
485
00:20:14,890 --> 00:20:17,658
She yarn-bombed
our darn barn!
486
00:20:17,660 --> 00:20:19,927
You two should've tipped.
487
00:20:19,929 --> 00:20:22,596
I'm an artist.
488
00:20:22,598 --> 00:20:25,666
Eat my stitches, bitches.
489
00:20:25,668 --> 00:20:26,700
[Gasps]
490
00:20:26,702 --> 00:20:29,169
That was not whimsical at all.
491
00:20:29,171 --> 00:20:30,537
Give me the damn bike.
492
00:20:30,539 --> 00:20:32,573
Knit's about to hit the fan.
493
00:20:32,575 --> 00:20:33,707
[Can thuds]
494
00:20:37,178 --> 00:20:38,545
Max, you're doing it.
495
00:20:38,547 --> 00:20:40,681
What happened
to your fear of bikes?
496
00:20:40,683 --> 00:20:43,717
I guess the only thing stronger
is my hatred of that nerd!