1
00:00:01,277 --> 00:00:05,180
Earl, I noticed
you're still alive.
2
00:00:05,182 --> 00:00:06,648
What's your secret?
3
00:00:06,650 --> 00:00:08,884
Well, it's my positive
attitude,
4
00:00:08,886 --> 00:00:10,252
a little bit of genetics,
5
00:00:10,254 --> 00:00:13,155
and knowing how to take care
of your body.
6
00:00:13,157 --> 00:00:15,257
I use jojoba.
7
00:00:15,259 --> 00:00:17,359
What is that, like a lotion?
8
00:00:17,361 --> 00:00:21,163
No, it's a ho named hoba.
9
00:00:21,165 --> 00:00:23,832
She comes over once a week.
10
00:00:23,834 --> 00:00:26,134
(peter bjorn and John)
¶ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
11
00:00:26,136 --> 00:00:27,869
[cash register bell dings]
12
00:00:27,871 --> 00:00:33,241
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ¶
13
00:00:35,478 --> 00:00:37,379
Max, you just got box delivered
at home.
14
00:00:37,381 --> 00:00:38,680
I don't want another box.
15
00:00:38,682 --> 00:00:40,682
I got my hands full
with this one.
16
00:00:40,684 --> 00:00:43,952
I used to have so many packages
delivered to my house,
17
00:00:43,954 --> 00:00:47,189
my dad had to buy fedex
just to save money.
18
00:00:47,191 --> 00:00:50,158
I remember a time before mail.
19
00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:52,227
You just didn't get stuff.
20
00:00:52,229 --> 00:00:53,962
Nope.
I don't want that.
21
00:00:53,964 --> 00:00:55,664
It's a delivery from my mother.
22
00:00:55,666 --> 00:00:57,532
The last thing she delivered
was me,
23
00:00:57,534 --> 00:00:59,367
and I'm still cleaning up
that mess.
24
00:01:01,137 --> 00:01:03,405
Aren't you at least curious
what she sent?
25
00:01:03,407 --> 00:01:04,906
Unless it's a brand new
childhood,
26
00:01:04,908 --> 00:01:07,375
I'm not interested.
27
00:01:07,377 --> 00:01:09,244
Here, Earl, hold Max's box.
28
00:01:09,246 --> 00:01:13,148
But she's like a daughter
to me.
29
00:01:14,584 --> 00:01:16,718
Look, Caroline,
I brought in my fish tank,
30
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:20,822
which Max has been calling
my olympic-size swimming pool.
31
00:01:23,359 --> 00:01:26,561
See, han? The world's different
above sea-level.
32
00:01:32,268 --> 00:01:34,936
Now, come over here
and say hello.
33
00:01:34,938 --> 00:01:36,571
I'm saying hello to fish now?
34
00:01:36,573 --> 00:01:38,106
That's where I'm at?
35
00:01:38,108 --> 00:01:39,474
You too, Max.
36
00:01:39,476 --> 00:01:41,610
I want my diner family
to meet my fish family.
37
00:01:41,612 --> 00:01:43,278
I got an aunt that drinks
like a fish.
38
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,013
Maybe she's in there.
39
00:01:45,015 --> 00:01:49,417
Oh, no, she's in jail
for vehicular manslaughter.
40
00:01:49,419 --> 00:01:52,387
Please enjoy my ecosystem
of love.
41
00:01:52,389 --> 00:01:56,491
Never tap on the glass!
42
00:01:56,493 --> 00:01:58,426
Just look at that meaty paw
of yours.
43
00:01:58,428 --> 00:02:01,730
It's like an earthquake
to them.
44
00:02:01,732 --> 00:02:02,964
Oh, there's my prize.
45
00:02:02,966 --> 00:02:04,833
The royal blue tang fish.
46
00:02:04,835 --> 00:02:06,635
$500.
47
00:02:06,637 --> 00:02:08,904
Han, I'm not surprised
you have to pay for blue tang,
48
00:02:08,906 --> 00:02:12,174
but $500 seems high.
49
00:02:12,176 --> 00:02:16,411
Hey han,
jojoba'll do it for 25.
50
00:02:16,413 --> 00:02:18,713
Well, I hope your fish
will be very happy here.
51
00:02:18,715 --> 00:02:21,316
I mean, no one else is,
but who knows.
52
00:02:21,318 --> 00:02:23,451
Let's go, Max.
53
00:02:23,453 --> 00:02:27,289
[Speaking Ukrainian]
54
00:02:32,795 --> 00:02:36,731
Did Oleg take Liam neeson's
daughter?
55
00:02:38,768 --> 00:02:40,502
I'm breaking up
with all my ladies
56
00:02:40,504 --> 00:02:41,870
so I can start up again
with Sophie.
57
00:02:41,872 --> 00:02:44,639
And oksana's not taking
it lying down,
58
00:02:44,641 --> 00:02:48,810
or bent over
like she usually is.
59
00:02:48,812 --> 00:02:52,013
Well, I'm sorry
I never got to meet her.
60
00:02:52,015 --> 00:02:54,783
Just tell her that you
and Sophie have decided to be--
61
00:02:54,785 --> 00:02:56,818
what's the Ukrainian word
for "monogamy"?
62
00:02:56,820 --> 00:02:58,486
There isn't one.
63
00:02:58,488 --> 00:03:01,856
You're either ugly or
you're sleeping with everyone.
64
00:03:07,029 --> 00:03:08,230
Uh-uh.
No way.
65
00:03:08,232 --> 00:03:09,231
Leave it out here.
66
00:03:09,233 --> 00:03:12,334
Let the bomb-squad
figure it out.
67
00:03:12,336 --> 00:03:13,768
don't you wanna know
what she sent you?
68
00:03:13,770 --> 00:03:15,003
Maybe there's money in there.
69
00:03:15,005 --> 00:03:18,206
[Obnoxious laughter]
70
00:03:20,276 --> 00:03:22,010
So you're just gonna leave it
out in the hall
71
00:03:22,012 --> 00:03:23,878
like a room service tray?
72
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:27,048
Oh, my god,
I used to have room service.
73
00:03:27,050 --> 00:03:29,784
Oh, my god,
I used to have a room.
74
00:03:29,786 --> 00:03:31,953
Well, I don't want
it in the apartment.
75
00:03:31,955 --> 00:03:35,490
This is a place of positive
energy and good vibes.
76
00:03:35,492 --> 00:03:37,492
[Obnoxious laughter]
77
00:03:39,061 --> 00:03:41,596
I'm sending it back
to her tomorrow.
78
00:03:41,598 --> 00:03:45,600
I will go to my shallow,
unmarked grave
79
00:03:45,602 --> 00:03:47,302
not knowing what's in that box.
80
00:03:47,304 --> 00:03:49,304
[Knock at door]
81
00:03:51,007 --> 00:03:52,507
Hey, Max, you got a box
out here,
82
00:03:52,509 --> 00:03:56,578
and there's a Bear in it!
83
00:03:56,580 --> 00:03:59,581
Oh, my god.
84
00:03:59,583 --> 00:04:00,882
She kept that?
85
00:04:00,884 --> 00:04:02,550
How did my mom ever keep that?
86
00:04:02,552 --> 00:04:05,654
She can't even keep her teeth.
87
00:04:05,656 --> 00:04:06,921
That's what was in the box?
88
00:04:06,923 --> 00:04:08,790
A Teddy ruxpin doll?
89
00:04:08,792 --> 00:04:12,160
Are you registered
at mustybears.Com?
90
00:04:12,162 --> 00:04:14,162
Not a doll and not his name.
91
00:04:14,164 --> 00:04:16,965
I had it legally changed
to t-rux.
92
00:04:16,967 --> 00:04:18,633
I used the same lawyer
my mom hired
93
00:04:18,635 --> 00:04:21,002
to declare me native American
so she didn't have to pay
94
00:04:21,004 --> 00:04:23,805
for parking at the casino.
95
00:04:23,807 --> 00:04:25,740
For six months,
I had to answer the phone,
96
00:04:25,742 --> 00:04:28,143
"Max proudfoot."
97
00:04:28,145 --> 00:04:32,247
You know, in Poland,
we didn't have dolls.
98
00:04:32,249 --> 00:04:33,748
Yeah, we just hired
little gypsy kids
99
00:04:33,750 --> 00:04:36,751
and we carried them around.
100
00:04:36,753 --> 00:04:39,621
Yeah, mine was called gurgio.
101
00:04:39,623 --> 00:04:43,591
Yeah, and I think uh,
he had a little bit of polio.
102
00:04:46,729 --> 00:04:48,330
Hey, didn't those things talk?
103
00:04:48,332 --> 00:04:50,699
They did if you had
four "c" batteries.
104
00:04:50,701 --> 00:04:52,534
Wait, I think I have some.
105
00:04:52,536 --> 00:04:54,336
Yup, they came
with this adorable Teddy Bear
106
00:04:54,338 --> 00:04:55,870
singing cassette,
so of course,
107
00:04:55,872 --> 00:04:59,874
I smashed that with a rock
and made my own.
108
00:04:59,876 --> 00:05:02,977
Yeah, my gurgio didn't talk.
109
00:05:02,979 --> 00:05:06,181
I'm not sure he had a tongue.
110
00:05:06,183 --> 00:05:10,552
But he used to squeeze me
really tight.
111
00:05:10,554 --> 00:05:14,589
And then I found out later,
he was 35.
112
00:05:17,193 --> 00:05:19,627
You had four "c" batteries
in your nightstand?
113
00:05:19,629 --> 00:05:21,129
From what?
114
00:05:29,972 --> 00:05:33,441
Do you wanna hear the Bear talk
or don't you?
115
00:05:33,443 --> 00:05:36,444
[Phone rings]
116
00:05:36,446 --> 00:05:37,879
Oh, I'm sorry, girls.
117
00:05:37,881 --> 00:05:39,481
I gotta take this.
118
00:05:39,483 --> 00:05:43,151
It's another guy
that I'm breaking it off with.
119
00:05:43,153 --> 00:05:45,587
I sure hope Oleg's worth it.
120
00:05:45,589 --> 00:05:49,891
I just dumped a guy
with multiple personalities.
121
00:05:49,893 --> 00:05:51,993
Yeah, and he took it okay,
122
00:05:51,995 --> 00:05:53,762
and not great,
123
00:05:53,764 --> 00:05:55,663
and pretty bad.
124
00:05:58,834 --> 00:06:00,735
There's no note
or anything.
125
00:06:00,737 --> 00:06:04,005
This box is really just a well
of disappointment.
126
00:06:04,007 --> 00:06:05,673
Why would your mother
send you this?
127
00:06:05,675 --> 00:06:07,776
Why would she do anything?
128
00:06:07,778 --> 00:06:10,178
Why would she bite our dog?
129
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,615
Why would she make out
with our Jack o'lantern?
130
00:06:13,617 --> 00:06:16,151
I don't know.
131
00:06:16,153 --> 00:06:17,919
Well, Max, she did send you
your favorite toy
132
00:06:17,921 --> 00:06:19,220
after all these years.
133
00:06:19,222 --> 00:06:20,722
Maybe she's trying
to make amends.
134
00:06:20,724 --> 00:06:22,123
Oh, make amends?
135
00:06:22,125 --> 00:06:24,626
She couldn't even make me
a sandwich.
136
00:06:24,628 --> 00:06:26,661
Okay, you ready?
137
00:06:26,663 --> 00:06:28,563
I know you are,
but what am I?
138
00:06:28,565 --> 00:06:30,298
[Laughing]
139
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,667
Oh, my god.
Max, is that you?
140
00:06:32,669 --> 00:06:35,403
Is that your little Max voice?
141
00:06:35,405 --> 00:06:39,941
Careful, I'm about to open up
a can of whoop ass.
142
00:06:39,943 --> 00:06:42,377
It is you!
How old were you there?
143
00:06:42,379 --> 00:06:45,380
Ten. "Whoop ass"
was kind of my thing.
144
00:06:45,382 --> 00:06:46,815
Still is.
145
00:06:46,817 --> 00:06:49,384
I mean, I guess I always knew
you were a little kid once,
146
00:06:49,386 --> 00:06:51,453
but I couldn't picture
it till I heard that.
147
00:06:51,455 --> 00:06:52,921
Like I couldn't picture me
eating fruit
148
00:06:52,923 --> 00:06:55,123
from an exxon station
till I did that.
149
00:07:01,063 --> 00:07:02,697
So, are you two ready
to order?
150
00:07:02,699 --> 00:07:04,833
Oh, yeah. I'll have
the Turkey club with fries.
151
00:07:04,835 --> 00:07:08,803
This is why you're single,
Rita.
152
00:07:08,805 --> 00:07:11,206
I'm not single.
I'm married to your father.
153
00:07:11,208 --> 00:07:16,211
I love you, but stop pushing
your lifestyle in my face.
154
00:07:16,213 --> 00:07:18,346
I'll have the salad.
Dressing on the side.
155
00:07:18,348 --> 00:07:19,814
Obvs.
156
00:07:23,118 --> 00:07:26,221
Obvs, obvs.
157
00:07:26,223 --> 00:07:29,457
Well, I'm sending t-rux
back to my mother.
158
00:07:29,459 --> 00:07:30,859
He's going right
into this empty box
159
00:07:30,861 --> 00:07:32,260
I found in han's office.
160
00:07:32,262 --> 00:07:33,962
And Max, before you send
it back,
161
00:07:33,964 --> 00:07:35,930
I'm gonna need those batteries.
162
00:07:35,932 --> 00:07:39,567
Oh, don't worry, I have
no desire to see you
163
00:07:39,569 --> 00:07:41,903
hugging the milkshake machine.
164
00:07:44,106 --> 00:07:46,741
Oh...My...God!
165
00:07:46,743 --> 00:07:49,244
Is that a Teddy ruxpin doll?
166
00:07:49,246 --> 00:07:50,712
Rita, I want that!
167
00:07:50,714 --> 00:07:52,514
Your birthday just passed,
Elliot.
168
00:07:52,516 --> 00:07:56,918
But my coming out party
is coming up.
169
00:07:56,920 --> 00:08:01,489
What is that,
like a queen-ceanera?
170
00:08:01,491 --> 00:08:05,193
So bitchy. Love her.
171
00:08:05,195 --> 00:08:08,029
A vintage Teddy ruxpin
is worth like, $500,
172
00:08:08,031 --> 00:08:11,266
and my mom works,
so she has to buy my love.
173
00:08:11,268 --> 00:08:15,470
One more word,
and I'm taking away spa day.
174
00:08:15,472 --> 00:08:18,373
That's harsh, honey.
175
00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:19,974
He's obsessed with the '90s.
176
00:08:19,976 --> 00:08:21,809
But you weren't even born.
177
00:08:21,811 --> 00:08:23,244
I know.
I blame her.
178
00:08:23,246 --> 00:08:25,813
She couldn't find a man
till late in life.
179
00:08:25,815 --> 00:08:28,049
There go the pedicures.
180
00:08:28,051 --> 00:08:31,219
There go my sandals.
181
00:08:31,221 --> 00:08:35,890
As much as I love watching
will and grace,
182
00:08:35,892 --> 00:08:37,392
this guy's not for sale.
183
00:08:37,394 --> 00:08:39,327
I'm sending him back
to my mother's place,
184
00:08:39,329 --> 00:08:41,663
which, according to
the Rhode Island parole office,
185
00:08:41,665 --> 00:08:46,668
is a cardboard shanty town
outside of big lots.
186
00:08:46,670 --> 00:08:48,202
Well, here's my card.
187
00:08:48,204 --> 00:08:52,774
And let's face it, you look
like you could use $500.
188
00:08:55,344 --> 00:08:57,912
So bitchy.
Love him!
189
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:02,850
I was just offered $500
for t-rux
190
00:09:02,852 --> 00:09:05,887
from baby Anderson Cooper.
191
00:09:07,456 --> 00:09:09,157
He has cards?
192
00:09:09,159 --> 00:09:10,658
I'm jealous
of a nine-year-old?
193
00:09:10,660 --> 00:09:12,427
That's where I'm at?
194
00:09:12,429 --> 00:09:14,929
Hey, as much as I would like
that $500,
195
00:09:14,931 --> 00:09:16,931
my mother doesn't
get to think this Bear
196
00:09:16,933 --> 00:09:19,367
gets to make up
for my childhood.
197
00:09:19,369 --> 00:09:20,902
She doesn't get off that easy.
198
00:09:20,904 --> 00:09:24,138
Trust me, we shared a pullout
couch for nine months.
199
00:09:24,140 --> 00:09:26,240
Girls,
can I see you over here?
200
00:09:26,242 --> 00:09:28,443
I can't believe we have
to talk to the fish again.
201
00:09:28,445 --> 00:09:32,280
I can't believe Max hasn't
put han in the tank yet.
202
00:09:33,849 --> 00:09:36,217
Max, Caroline, every night
from now on,
203
00:09:36,219 --> 00:09:39,053
I need you to move the skimmer
along the top of the water
204
00:09:39,055 --> 00:09:40,755
and take out
the floating matter.
205
00:09:40,757 --> 00:09:44,392
Han, you know I'm off diner poop
patrol for life
206
00:09:44,394 --> 00:09:47,962
after I had to clean the booth
where the senior left...
207
00:09:47,964 --> 00:09:50,898
Well, we'll just call
it an elderberry.
208
00:09:53,969 --> 00:09:57,372
Well, Caroline, Max said no,
so you have to do it.
209
00:09:57,374 --> 00:09:59,807
Han, you're kind of a baller
around your fish.
210
00:09:59,809 --> 00:10:01,342
All right, I'm gonna do this
fast.
211
00:10:01,344 --> 00:10:02,944
Get in and get out--
212
00:10:02,946 --> 00:10:04,879
same thing I do when
that bird is in our shower.
213
00:10:04,881 --> 00:10:07,015
[Bell dings]
Pick up, Max.
214
00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:09,684
Look, I'm calling to tell you
I met somebody else
215
00:10:09,686 --> 00:10:11,285
so I'm breaking up with you.
216
00:10:11,287 --> 00:10:14,288
Now put your mother on.
I'm breaking up with her too.
217
00:10:18,627 --> 00:10:20,662
I can't believe this.
218
00:10:20,664 --> 00:10:24,232
I'm a cabana boy for fish.
219
00:10:24,234 --> 00:10:26,401
I guess now I can add
"fish poop remover"
220
00:10:26,403 --> 00:10:31,539
to my resume
next to "supreme court intern."
221
00:10:31,541 --> 00:10:35,443
I feel like there was a fish
in that last one.
222
00:10:35,445 --> 00:10:36,878
Yup.
223
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,180
Oh, no, it's the expensive one!
224
00:10:39,182 --> 00:10:41,582
That's so me.
225
00:10:41,584 --> 00:10:43,518
I really didn't expect to see
you digging through garbage
226
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,953
till you were 30.
227
00:10:45,955 --> 00:10:48,823
Oh! Ah! Ugh!
It's still alive!
228
00:10:48,825 --> 00:10:50,625
I need to keep her wet.
229
00:10:50,627 --> 00:10:53,861
Oh, covered in tuna, that's
gotta be traumatic for it.
230
00:10:59,134 --> 00:11:02,070
I feel like it went down
the drain.
231
00:11:02,072 --> 00:11:04,605
It was an accident.
I swear.
232
00:11:04,607 --> 00:11:07,075
I love fish.
I would never hurt one.
233
00:11:07,077 --> 00:11:08,710
Unless you count eating Sushi,
'cause then I'm like
234
00:11:08,712 --> 00:11:10,278
Jack the ripper.
235
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,580
Caroline, are things
going swimmingly?
236
00:11:12,582 --> 00:11:14,615
Jack, he's talking to you.
237
00:11:14,617 --> 00:11:16,884
Uh, oh, yeah.
Swimmingly.
238
00:11:16,886 --> 00:11:18,553
Especially the blue one.
239
00:11:18,555 --> 00:11:20,221
He went in his little house.
240
00:11:20,223 --> 00:11:21,456
He doesn't like
to use the restroom
241
00:11:21,458 --> 00:11:23,458
in front of his friends.
242
00:11:23,460 --> 00:11:25,927
Yeah, we're a lot alike.
243
00:11:30,933 --> 00:11:33,134
Thank you so much
for seeing us so quickly.
244
00:11:33,136 --> 00:11:35,336
Sure, you guys can just
wait in here.
245
00:11:35,338 --> 00:11:38,673
Elliot's finishing up
with his pilates.
246
00:11:38,675 --> 00:11:40,475
Do yourselves a favor.
247
00:11:40,477 --> 00:11:43,344
Tell him his core looks tight.
248
00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:49,984
Max, I'm so sorry
you have to sell t-rux
249
00:11:49,986 --> 00:11:52,620
for the fish money
because of me.
250
00:11:52,622 --> 00:11:56,124
Talked to the fist,
because the face is pissed.
251
00:11:56,126 --> 00:11:57,625
I'm getting attitude
from a Bear?
252
00:11:57,627 --> 00:12:00,495
That's where I'm at?
253
00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:03,030
I can't believe all this stuff
he has from the '90s.
254
00:12:03,032 --> 00:12:07,368
I can't believe he has to have
a party to come out.
255
00:12:07,370 --> 00:12:09,237
That kid came out, out.
256
00:12:09,239 --> 00:12:13,474
His umbilical cord
is a Gucci belt.
257
00:12:13,476 --> 00:12:15,977
Oh...These toys!
258
00:12:15,979 --> 00:12:18,212
This is like looking back
at my childhood
259
00:12:18,214 --> 00:12:21,582
but, you know, a time before
rainbows became political.
260
00:12:21,584 --> 00:12:22,650
[Gasps]
261
00:12:22,652 --> 00:12:23,651
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
262
00:12:23,653 --> 00:12:25,586
Oh, my god.
263
00:12:25,588 --> 00:12:27,388
A my size Barbie!
264
00:12:27,390 --> 00:12:28,489
I had ten of these.
265
00:12:28,491 --> 00:12:30,324
Not to play with,
they were used as decoys
266
00:12:30,326 --> 00:12:32,493
in case of a hostage
situation.
267
00:12:32,495 --> 00:12:37,064
And now your whole life's
a hostage situation.
268
00:12:37,066 --> 00:12:38,399
Sorry I'm late.
269
00:12:38,401 --> 00:12:40,268
My trainer, Gary,
and I got derailed
270
00:12:40,270 --> 00:12:42,436
talking about the real
housewives of orange county.
271
00:12:42,438 --> 00:12:43,871
Your core looks really good.
272
00:12:43,873 --> 00:12:46,140
I know, honey.
273
00:12:46,142 --> 00:12:50,978
Now while I get my check book,
say hello to the olsens.
274
00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:52,547
You got a lot of toys.
275
00:12:52,549 --> 00:12:56,317
When I was a girl your age,
I only had this.
276
00:12:56,319 --> 00:12:57,919
I don't suppose I could play
with my size Barbie
277
00:12:57,921 --> 00:13:00,087
for a second.
278
00:13:00,089 --> 00:13:02,423
I feel like that's
a "no, bitch."
279
00:13:02,425 --> 00:13:04,992
I'm not--I'm not just talking
about the toys.
280
00:13:04,994 --> 00:13:07,195
You got a pretty sweet set-up.
281
00:13:07,197 --> 00:13:09,697
That nice lady out there,
giving you everything you want,
282
00:13:09,699 --> 00:13:11,098
taking care of you.
283
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:14,402
She's just a mom.
Everyone has one.
284
00:13:14,404 --> 00:13:19,674
Not really. Some people
just have bad ass bears.
285
00:13:19,676 --> 00:13:21,509
Max,
are you sure about this?
286
00:13:21,511 --> 00:13:23,978
This is the only thing you have
from your childhood.
287
00:13:23,980 --> 00:13:25,713
Not true, I have a dent
in my skull
288
00:13:25,715 --> 00:13:28,983
from a ball-peen hammer.
289
00:13:28,985 --> 00:13:30,918
The last time I change
the channel
290
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,921
during three's company.
291
00:13:33,923 --> 00:13:36,557
Can we fast forward this
to me having the Bear
292
00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:38,159
and you two leaving?
293
00:13:38,161 --> 00:13:39,861
Okay, just take it,
it doesn't matter.
294
00:13:39,863 --> 00:13:41,729
No, Max.
It does matter.
295
00:13:41,731 --> 00:13:42,730
We're not selling this.
296
00:13:42,732 --> 00:13:44,332
He has enough toys.
297
00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:47,068
I mean, all I wanted to do
was touch the life-size Barbie.
298
00:13:47,070 --> 00:13:48,603
Okay, I see what's happening.
299
00:13:48,605 --> 00:13:51,038
I've been down this road
with the beanie babies.
300
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:52,473
I'll give you 600 for the Bear.
301
00:13:52,475 --> 00:13:53,407
Sold.
302
00:13:53,409 --> 00:13:54,609
No, Max!
That's your childhood.
303
00:13:54,611 --> 00:13:55,643
700.
- Sold!
304
00:13:55,645 --> 00:13:56,978
No, Max!
305
00:13:56,980 --> 00:13:59,680
Caroline, my childhood
is not worth $700.
306
00:13:59,682 --> 00:14:01,749
The most my mother ever got
for me was 40 bucks
307
00:14:01,751 --> 00:14:03,417
and a big gulp.
308
00:14:03,419 --> 00:14:06,187
But that's "little you"
in there, Max.
309
00:14:06,189 --> 00:14:07,855
And she's priceless.
310
00:14:07,857 --> 00:14:09,090
And she's about to erased
and taped over
311
00:14:09,092 --> 00:14:11,292
by the soundtrack
from frozen.
312
00:14:11,294 --> 00:14:12,326
Frozen?
313
00:14:12,328 --> 00:14:16,230
Who am I?
Me, a year ago?
314
00:14:16,232 --> 00:14:18,299
No.
Can't have her.
315
00:14:18,301 --> 00:14:20,668
Well, what are we gonna do now
about the other child?
316
00:14:20,670 --> 00:14:22,103
The one in the diner?
317
00:14:22,105 --> 00:14:24,038
Well, I guess he's just gonna
have to grow up.
318
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:25,673
Grow up? You think
if he had that ability,
319
00:14:25,675 --> 00:14:29,844
he wouldn't have used it yet?
320
00:14:29,846 --> 00:14:32,146
So what--
no Bear?
321
00:14:32,148 --> 00:14:34,348
Oh, please!
You'll have a Bear in your life.
322
00:14:34,350 --> 00:14:36,350
Trust me.
323
00:14:42,057 --> 00:14:43,357
All right, Max.
324
00:14:43,359 --> 00:14:44,759
You're gonna help me
tell him, right?
325
00:14:44,761 --> 00:14:46,260
You like giving him
bad news.
326
00:14:46,262 --> 00:14:48,562
No, I like giving him bad news
about how he's short
327
00:14:48,564 --> 00:14:49,563
and has a big head.
328
00:14:49,565 --> 00:14:51,799
You know, fun bad news.
329
00:14:51,801 --> 00:14:53,301
Exciting news!
330
00:14:53,303 --> 00:14:55,236
I got the fishies
a new house!
331
00:14:55,238 --> 00:14:59,040
I got it cheap.
It was a foreclosure.
332
00:14:59,042 --> 00:15:01,175
Uh, han, can we talk to you
over there
333
00:15:01,177 --> 00:15:03,210
in the booth--the far booth?
334
00:15:03,212 --> 00:15:05,513
Can it wait?
I want to put in the new condo
335
00:15:05,515 --> 00:15:09,050
so Max will stop calling me
a slum lord.
336
00:15:09,052 --> 00:15:10,818
Oh, that can wait,
I mean, those fish
337
00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:12,219
aren't going anywhere.
338
00:15:12,221 --> 00:15:13,621
Except for the blue one,
who's definitely playing
339
00:15:13,623 --> 00:15:16,023
some kind of twisted game
of hide and seek.
340
00:15:16,025 --> 00:15:17,558
Oh, yeah, he loves
that little house.
341
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,194
He's going to love
this one even more.
342
00:15:20,196 --> 00:15:21,696
Max, can you join me?
343
00:15:21,698 --> 00:15:26,600
I'm pretty busy waiting
on tables right now.
344
00:15:26,602 --> 00:15:27,935
Okay, what's going on?
345
00:15:27,937 --> 00:15:31,372
Max has never waited
on a table in her life.
346
00:15:31,374 --> 00:15:33,174
Max, I need you over here.
347
00:15:33,176 --> 00:15:35,176
I'm just putting down
this grilled cheese
348
00:15:35,178 --> 00:15:37,078
'cause I don't want
it to get cold.
349
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:40,114
Now I'm freaking out!
350
00:15:40,116 --> 00:15:41,716
Max, don't do this to me.
351
00:15:41,718 --> 00:15:44,151
I know where the bodies
are buried, literally.
352
00:15:44,153 --> 00:15:47,121
I move them every six months.
353
00:15:47,123 --> 00:15:48,456
Well, what is it?
354
00:15:48,458 --> 00:15:51,592
Han, sometimes in life,
things happen
355
00:15:51,594 --> 00:15:53,728
that you don't want
to happen.
356
00:15:53,730 --> 00:15:56,097
Yes.
357
00:15:56,099 --> 00:15:57,531
And even though it's hard,
you know,
358
00:15:57,533 --> 00:15:59,767
you just have to face up
to it.
359
00:15:59,769 --> 00:16:02,169
I suppose.
360
00:16:02,171 --> 00:16:06,107
Oh, dear god, this is rough.
361
00:16:06,109 --> 00:16:08,309
And, well...
362
00:16:08,311 --> 00:16:09,877
Han, I don't wanna have
to tell you this,
363
00:16:09,879 --> 00:16:12,680
I know this is the last thing
you ever want to hear--
364
00:16:12,682 --> 00:16:13,948
oh, just say it!
365
00:16:13,950 --> 00:16:19,153
The tampon machine
is broken again.
366
00:16:19,155 --> 00:16:23,190
Later, I'll get my blindfold
and fix it.
367
00:16:23,192 --> 00:16:24,925
Word of advice?
368
00:16:24,927 --> 00:16:26,227
When you do finally
kill me,
369
00:16:26,229 --> 00:16:28,829
you gotta work on your game face
for the cops.
370
00:16:28,831 --> 00:16:30,064
Max, please.
371
00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:31,799
I can't tell han
I murdered his fish.
372
00:16:31,801 --> 00:16:32,833
I can't.
373
00:16:32,835 --> 00:16:34,035
Well, I can't tell him either.
374
00:16:34,037 --> 00:16:35,736
Oh, hell, I'll tell him.
375
00:16:35,738 --> 00:16:41,575
I'm a black man, everyone
already assumes I did it.
376
00:16:41,577 --> 00:16:43,377
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
377
00:16:43,379 --> 00:16:45,980
It's just a fish.
He'll be fine.
378
00:16:45,982 --> 00:16:47,948
I've decided I'll give blue
the new house
379
00:16:47,950 --> 00:16:50,451
at its birthday party later.
380
00:16:50,453 --> 00:16:53,788
It's the damn fish's birthday?
381
00:16:53,790 --> 00:16:55,823
I'm out.
382
00:16:56,858 --> 00:16:59,126
And you're all invited.
383
00:16:59,128 --> 00:17:00,694
Blue's two years old today.
384
00:17:00,696 --> 00:17:03,731
They don't usually live
that long.
385
00:17:03,733 --> 00:17:06,300
No, they do not.
386
00:17:06,302 --> 00:17:08,669
That's it, we can't tell him.
387
00:17:08,671 --> 00:17:10,438
Even at han's age,
which I am guessing
388
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:15,376
is somewhere between
14 and 53,
389
00:17:15,378 --> 00:17:17,778
some kids just aren't ready
to grow up.
390
00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:19,013
What are we gonna do?
391
00:17:19,015 --> 00:17:20,981
We're gonna run out
and buy a new one.
392
00:17:20,983 --> 00:17:22,183
Where are we gonna get
the money?
393
00:17:22,185 --> 00:17:25,186
Oleg, you know how
two years ago
394
00:17:25,188 --> 00:17:27,188
you offered me $1,000
for a back rub?
395
00:17:27,190 --> 00:17:28,456
Of course.
396
00:17:28,458 --> 00:17:32,126
Caroline will do it
for $500.
397
00:17:32,128 --> 00:17:34,528
Deal.
One last hurrah.
398
00:17:34,530 --> 00:17:35,996
Over the clothes,
above the waist,
399
00:17:35,998 --> 00:17:38,699
and I don't know why,
but you have to wear a condom.
400
00:17:44,639 --> 00:17:48,375
Yes, father Dominic rosello,
please.
401
00:17:48,377 --> 00:17:50,678
Oh, he's celebrating mass?
402
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:54,482
Oh yeah, could you just tell him
that Sophie kachinski
403
00:17:54,484 --> 00:17:57,384
is converting to monogamy?
404
00:17:57,386 --> 00:18:03,390
And uh, she won't be kneeling
at his altar anymore.
405
00:18:03,392 --> 00:18:08,129
Oh, yeah, yeah,
he'll understand.
406
00:18:08,131 --> 00:18:09,830
Where's han
and does he know?
407
00:18:09,832 --> 00:18:13,334
No, but I can't keep pretending
I see that fish.
408
00:18:13,336 --> 00:18:15,336
I'm a pot-head
with a touch of glaucoma.
409
00:18:15,338 --> 00:18:17,638
I'm seeing stuff
that's not there.
410
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,240
Not seeing stuff
that's there
411
00:18:19,242 --> 00:18:21,876
it's confusing.
412
00:18:21,878 --> 00:18:23,210
Okay.
Come on, come on.
413
00:18:23,212 --> 00:18:24,879
Put it in, put it in,
put it in.
414
00:18:24,881 --> 00:18:27,014
I have a whole new respect
for every guy
415
00:18:27,016 --> 00:18:29,683
that's ever gone out
with you.
416
00:18:29,685 --> 00:18:31,785
Happy birthday, blue!
417
00:18:31,787 --> 00:18:37,024
(Han)
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, blue.
418
00:18:37,026 --> 00:18:38,125
Where's blue?
419
00:18:38,127 --> 00:18:39,326
I haven't seen her
all day.
420
00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:40,361
I just saw it.
421
00:18:40,363 --> 00:18:42,830
Yeah, it was definitely there.
422
00:18:42,832 --> 00:18:44,465
You're not gonna give blue
that cupcake
423
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,333
without a photo-op, are you?
Where's your iPad?
424
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:49,670
I just saw it.
Yeah, it was definitely there.
425
00:18:49,672 --> 00:18:50,771
Yeah, han, go!
426
00:18:50,773 --> 00:18:52,940
You need a pic so you can
post it on Facebook
427
00:18:52,942 --> 00:18:54,241
or fishbook or whatever.
428
00:18:54,243 --> 00:18:55,776
Good idea.
Here, hold this.
429
00:18:56,811 --> 00:18:59,813
Hey, Caroline,
you look less flat.
430
00:18:59,815 --> 00:19:02,616
You finally get that boob job
you needed?
431
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:07,054
I feel like the baggy broke.
432
00:19:07,056 --> 00:19:13,260
Yup, that's what happens
when you get the cheap implants.
433
00:19:13,262 --> 00:19:15,229
Oh, my god,
there is definitely something
434
00:19:15,231 --> 00:19:16,830
moving around in my bra.
435
00:19:16,832 --> 00:19:20,334
Well, it's good you can still
recognize that feeling.
436
00:19:20,336 --> 00:19:22,703
It's right--oh! Oh!
I touched it!
437
00:19:22,705 --> 00:19:23,837
Gross!
438
00:19:23,839 --> 00:19:26,173
Someone, put your hand in my bra
and help me.
439
00:19:26,175 --> 00:19:29,043
Why now?
Now that I'm off the market!
440
00:19:29,045 --> 00:19:30,678
No, no, no, no, no, no.
441
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,113
I'm afraid I'm gonna squish it
and kill it again.
442
00:19:33,115 --> 00:19:38,152
Okay, just get up on the counter
and drop it in the tank.
443
00:19:38,154 --> 00:19:39,486
What?
444
00:19:39,488 --> 00:19:43,057
Get up on the counter,
spread your legs,
445
00:19:43,059 --> 00:19:46,760
and just let it fall
into the tank.
446
00:19:46,762 --> 00:19:48,095
You know what?
447
00:19:48,097 --> 00:19:51,899
Forget the back rub.
After this, we're square.
448
00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:54,301
Okay, straddle the tank,
pull out your uniform,
449
00:19:54,303 --> 00:19:56,237
and let it go.
450
00:19:56,239 --> 00:19:58,505
Now I owe you money.
451
00:20:00,976 --> 00:20:03,177
Just squat over the tank
like you're delivering
452
00:20:03,179 --> 00:20:05,279
a fish baby.
453
00:20:07,148 --> 00:20:09,183
I'm delivering a fish baby?
454
00:20:09,185 --> 00:20:11,385
This is where I'm at?
455
00:20:11,387 --> 00:20:13,954
Stop asking.
That's where you're at.
456
00:20:24,966 --> 00:20:29,870
Okay, now that I saw, right?
457
00:20:29,872 --> 00:20:30,971
Caroline, get down!
458
00:20:30,973 --> 00:20:33,407
It's not that kind of party.
459
00:20:38,747 --> 00:20:40,981
Max, you're really still gonna
send t-rux back?
460
00:20:40,983 --> 00:20:42,416
After we got bullied
by a kid
461
00:20:42,418 --> 00:20:44,818
with a tiffani Amber thiessen
pillow?
462
00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:48,255
Relax, t-rux is right over there
by the register.
463
00:20:48,257 --> 00:20:49,923
And by the way,
he's our first employee.
464
00:20:49,925 --> 00:20:52,426
Anytime we get a bone-head,
customer, he can say,
465
00:20:52,428 --> 00:20:53,794
"talk to the fist,"
466
00:20:53,796 --> 00:20:56,764
(both)
"'Cause the face is pissed."
467
00:20:56,766 --> 00:20:58,565
I'm just sending
my mother something
468
00:20:58,567 --> 00:21:00,501
to say thank you
for everything she gave me
469
00:21:00,503 --> 00:21:01,769
when I was a child.
470
00:21:01,771 --> 00:21:02,569
Aww, what's in there?
471
00:21:02,571 --> 00:21:04,438
Nothing!