1
00:00:03,546 --> 00:00:05,247
That's it for tonight.
2
00:00:05,249 --> 00:00:06,581
Time to count the tip jar.
3
00:00:06,583 --> 00:00:10,585
Hand condom.
4
00:00:10,587 --> 00:00:11,887
I can't believe you.
5
00:00:11,889 --> 00:00:14,856
Using protection
is so five years ago.
6
00:00:14,858 --> 00:00:16,591
This is williamsburg.
7
00:00:16,593 --> 00:00:19,027
There's a good chance
even the dollars have herpes.
8
00:00:19,029 --> 00:00:20,495
Well, if those singles
have herpes,
9
00:00:20,497 --> 00:00:22,030
they should just lie
about it till they get married
10
00:00:22,032 --> 00:00:24,733
like everybody else does.
11
00:00:24,735 --> 00:00:26,334
Oh, good, you're still open.
12
00:00:26,336 --> 00:00:27,803
Oh, yes, we are.
What can I get you?
13
00:00:27,805 --> 00:00:30,172
Everything in the register.
14
00:00:30,174 --> 00:00:33,041
Oh, my god.
It's a hipster hold-up.
15
00:00:33,043 --> 00:00:36,545
Hand it over.
I have a gun.
16
00:00:36,547 --> 00:00:41,650
Well, I have a death wish
so that's not gonna work.
17
00:00:41,652 --> 00:00:44,319
Look, pal, we work
at this cupcake window
18
00:00:44,321 --> 00:00:46,354
from 2:00 to 4:00,
six nights a week,
19
00:00:46,356 --> 00:00:48,757
and that is after eight hours
of slinging hash
20
00:00:48,759 --> 00:00:50,859
at the diner next door
for lousy minimum wage,
21
00:00:50,861 --> 00:00:53,195
which a bunch of rich
politicians out in--help me out.
22
00:00:53,197 --> 00:00:54,463
Washington.
23
00:00:54,465 --> 00:00:56,865
What she said--
don't wanna raise.
24
00:00:56,867 --> 00:00:59,134
Then, we walk home to our
illegal one bedroom apartment,
25
00:00:59,136 --> 00:01:01,503
get three hours
of nyquil induced sleep
26
00:01:01,505 --> 00:01:03,772
before we have to get back up
and share a bowl
27
00:01:03,774 --> 00:01:07,275
of Spanish language cheerios.
28
00:01:07,277 --> 00:01:10,278
It's the same thing but
the "c" wears a sombrero.
29
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:14,416
So, no, I am not about to give
you our hard-earned money.
30
00:01:14,418 --> 00:01:17,052
And if you're gonna shoot me,
better aim good.
31
00:01:17,054 --> 00:01:20,222
'Cause if you miss,
I will climb over this counter,
32
00:01:20,224 --> 00:01:24,326
tear off your head,
and it'll be our new tip jar.
33
00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:28,964
Yeah, I just robbed pizza pizza.
34
00:01:28,966 --> 00:01:30,265
Here's a $20.
35
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:31,399
Have a good night.
36
00:01:37,974 --> 00:01:40,876
I have a way with people.
37
00:01:40,878 --> 00:01:42,978
(peter bjorn and John)
¶ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
38
00:01:42,980 --> 00:01:44,646
[cash register bell dings]
39
00:01:44,648 --> 00:01:49,885
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ¶
40
00:01:54,991 --> 00:01:56,825
look, I just saw that
our cupcake competition,
41
00:01:56,827 --> 00:01:59,761
"Brooklyn bitty bites,"
went out of business.
42
00:01:59,763 --> 00:02:03,165
Yup, it's being changed
into a medical marijuana store.
43
00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:07,135
I already have
my hole-punch card.
44
00:02:07,137 --> 00:02:11,806
Buy four brownies
and the fifth buzz is free.
45
00:02:11,808 --> 00:02:13,675
Brooklyn bitty bites bit it!
46
00:02:13,677 --> 00:02:15,076
Yeah! We won!
47
00:02:15,078 --> 00:02:18,647
Eat it, red haired lady
and your Asian daughter!
48
00:02:18,649 --> 00:02:21,316
Max, them going down
right after the death
49
00:02:21,318 --> 00:02:24,052
of the cupcake giant,
"crumbs," is scary.
50
00:02:24,054 --> 00:02:25,487
It's like there's
a serial killer out there
51
00:02:25,489 --> 00:02:27,522
coming after cupcakes.
52
00:02:27,524 --> 00:02:29,858
Well, he should be easy
to outrun,
53
00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:32,827
'cause that'll be
one fat Dexter.
54
00:02:32,829 --> 00:02:35,630
Seriously, we have
a big problem.
55
00:02:35,632 --> 00:02:36,965
I'm back!
56
00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:39,734
And there's our little problem.
57
00:02:39,736 --> 00:02:41,803
Wow, you don't usually see
the ventriloquist's dummy
58
00:02:41,805 --> 00:02:46,141
out of his suitcase alone.
59
00:02:46,143 --> 00:02:48,543
Hello, Earl.
Hello, Caroline.
60
00:02:48,545 --> 00:02:50,545
Hello, reason I do two hours
of phone therapy
61
00:02:50,547 --> 00:02:53,915
every Wednesday before work.
62
00:02:53,917 --> 00:02:55,417
So, did you all miss me?
63
00:02:55,419 --> 00:02:56,818
You were gone?
64
00:02:56,820 --> 00:02:58,220
'Cause I swear I
just saw you yesterday.
65
00:02:58,222 --> 00:03:01,122
Wait, maybe that was a cat.
66
00:03:01,124 --> 00:03:02,324
I was gone, people!
67
00:03:02,326 --> 00:03:04,593
To San Francisco
for a convention.
68
00:03:04,595 --> 00:03:06,795
The restaurant
and diner association.
69
00:03:06,797 --> 00:03:08,430
"Radass."
70
00:03:08,432 --> 00:03:13,535
You were at something called
"radass" in San Francisco?
71
00:03:13,537 --> 00:03:17,038
Are you sure
it wasn't "redass"?
72
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:21,276
I am not gay.
I'm restaurant curious.
73
00:03:21,278 --> 00:03:24,713
I discovered an exciting
new item for our menu.
74
00:03:24,715 --> 00:03:26,748
No way.
No new menu additions.
75
00:03:26,750 --> 00:03:28,250
I already lie awake in bed
76
00:03:28,252 --> 00:03:31,753
worrying about how high
the food bar is here.
77
00:03:31,755 --> 00:03:32,754
[Bell dings]
78
00:03:32,756 --> 00:03:34,556
Pick up!
Pulled pork.
79
00:03:34,558 --> 00:03:36,091
And it's good
'cause before I pulled it,
80
00:03:36,093 --> 00:03:41,196
I gave it a dry rub.
81
00:03:41,198 --> 00:03:43,198
It's $4 toast.
82
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,400
$4 toast?
83
00:03:45,402 --> 00:03:48,803
That's $5 more than
our toast is worth.
84
00:03:48,805 --> 00:03:51,406
Delicious, homemade
artisan bread.
85
00:03:51,408 --> 00:03:55,777
At first, I was reluctant to put
something so big in my mouth.
86
00:03:58,147 --> 00:04:03,818
But the hot butter
drizzling down my chin
87
00:04:03,820 --> 00:04:08,523
was my sticky reward.
88
00:04:08,525 --> 00:04:11,559
Han, that toast is
trendy foodie food.
89
00:04:11,561 --> 00:04:15,130
It'll die here,
like my soul did.
90
00:04:15,132 --> 00:04:18,366
Our customers are
just plain, normal people.
91
00:04:18,368 --> 00:04:21,703
Hey, everybody!
92
00:04:23,539 --> 00:04:24,806
And Sophie.
93
00:04:24,808 --> 00:04:26,207
Guess what?
94
00:04:26,209 --> 00:04:28,643
78 guys want me
on tinder.
95
00:04:28,645 --> 00:04:29,644
[Phone dings]
96
00:04:29,646 --> 00:04:30,812
Oh, 79!
97
00:04:30,814 --> 00:04:31,813
[Phone dings]
98
00:04:31,815 --> 00:04:34,683
Now it's 80!
99
00:04:34,685 --> 00:04:36,284
How long have you
been on tinder?
100
00:04:36,286 --> 00:04:37,285
Ten minutes!
101
00:04:37,287 --> 00:04:38,520
[Phone dings]
102
00:04:38,522 --> 00:04:40,055
Oh, look,
oh, my gosh!
103
00:04:40,057 --> 00:04:41,890
This guy's a plumber.
Are you kidding me?
104
00:04:41,892 --> 00:04:43,725
Yes, that's a match!
105
00:04:43,727 --> 00:04:45,060
[Phone dings]
106
00:04:45,062 --> 00:04:46,828
And this guy isn't even
wearing a shirt!
107
00:04:46,830 --> 00:04:49,764
That's another big yes!
108
00:04:49,766 --> 00:04:52,500
Oh, gosh, girls,
I'll be over here,
109
00:04:52,502 --> 00:04:56,671
looking at boys
in my booth.
110
00:04:56,673 --> 00:04:59,374
Hey, I know a girl who met
her husband on tinder.
111
00:04:59,376 --> 00:05:01,910
No, wait, she saw her husband
on tinder.
112
00:05:01,912 --> 00:05:03,445
[Phone dings]
113
00:05:03,447 --> 00:05:06,247
Hey, are wheelchairs sexy?
114
00:05:06,249 --> 00:05:08,717
I guess it depends
on who's in one.
115
00:05:08,719 --> 00:05:11,353
I say no.
116
00:05:11,355 --> 00:05:12,854
[Phone chirps]
117
00:05:12,856 --> 00:05:14,422
Hold the presses.
118
00:05:14,424 --> 00:05:17,025
I just got a new tweet
from my gal,
119
00:05:17,027 --> 00:05:18,860
Kim Kardashian.
120
00:05:18,862 --> 00:05:21,896
Oh, she just bought her
some new boots in Manhattan.
121
00:05:21,898 --> 00:05:23,565
Kim Kardashian is epic.
122
00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:25,834
She was on the cover of vogue.
She's on fire.
123
00:05:25,836 --> 00:05:28,203
So? I've been on fire.
124
00:05:28,205 --> 00:05:33,408
That's the last time I try
witchcraft for the free snacks.
125
00:05:33,410 --> 00:05:36,211
I love the Kardashians.
126
00:05:36,213 --> 00:05:40,215
They're like the Kennedys
but with bigger asses.
127
00:05:43,586 --> 00:05:45,420
Text me next time.
128
00:05:45,422 --> 00:05:48,723
This whole talking thing
is insane.
129
00:05:49,792 --> 00:05:51,226
Hi!
130
00:05:51,228 --> 00:05:52,293
Who would I talk to
about finding the owner
131
00:05:52,295 --> 00:05:54,062
of Max's homemade cupcakes?
132
00:05:54,064 --> 00:05:55,263
That's Max.
I'm Caroline.
133
00:05:55,265 --> 00:05:56,664
We're the owners
of this store.
134
00:05:56,666 --> 00:05:59,667
And about four pairs of socks.
135
00:05:59,669 --> 00:06:02,404
Great. Wonderful.
Such a cute shop.
136
00:06:02,406 --> 00:06:03,938
Would you be interested
in having a popular--
137
00:06:03,940 --> 00:06:04,973
yes.
138
00:06:04,975 --> 00:06:06,841
I didn't finish my sentence.
139
00:06:06,843 --> 00:06:08,343
Sorry, I just haven't heard
the word "popular" in so long.
140
00:06:08,345 --> 00:06:10,445
Oh, yeah, she's over.
141
00:06:10,447 --> 00:06:13,648
She's the blockbuster video
of people.
142
00:06:13,650 --> 00:06:15,917
Would you be interested
in having
143
00:06:15,919 --> 00:06:18,253
a popular reality show
filmed here?
144
00:06:18,255 --> 00:06:20,989
Y--
[Phone rings]
145
00:06:20,991 --> 00:06:22,424
I'm so sorry.
I have to take this.
146
00:06:22,426 --> 00:06:24,192
Just a minute.
147
00:06:24,194 --> 00:06:25,627
What?
148
00:06:25,629 --> 00:06:27,662
Just say it already.
Come on.
149
00:06:28,998 --> 00:06:31,266
Max, this is great.
Think of the exposure.
150
00:06:31,268 --> 00:06:32,967
I wonder which reality show
it is.
151
00:06:32,969 --> 00:06:34,569
Ooh, maybe 16 and pregnant
is doing
152
00:06:34,571 --> 00:06:39,007
a "where are they now" segment
and they found me.
153
00:06:39,009 --> 00:06:44,012
Or that one about you,
"here comes honey boobless."
154
00:06:44,014 --> 00:06:48,149
Do you have any idea who I am?
155
00:06:48,151 --> 00:06:52,120
You just do what I say
or you are out!
156
00:06:53,422 --> 00:06:54,756
Okay.
157
00:06:54,758 --> 00:06:56,591
Mommy loves you.
158
00:06:56,593 --> 00:06:58,693
Sorry, my baby's Nigerian.
159
00:06:58,695 --> 00:07:01,029
I mean, if you're gonna live
here, learn the language.
160
00:07:01,031 --> 00:07:04,199
Jeez.
161
00:07:04,201 --> 00:07:06,668
So what are we thinking?
162
00:07:06,670 --> 00:07:08,470
We'd love it. We're in.
What show?
163
00:07:08,472 --> 00:07:10,038
Keeping up with
the Kardashians.
164
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:11,739
Finally, god opens a door.
165
00:07:11,741 --> 00:07:13,541
And I'm closing a window.
166
00:07:13,543 --> 00:07:14,742
Max!
167
00:07:14,744 --> 00:07:15,844
She's overwhelmed.
Big fan.
168
00:07:15,846 --> 00:07:17,378
Do you have a card?
169
00:07:17,380 --> 00:07:19,714
Mm-hmm.
And listen, text me.
170
00:07:19,716 --> 00:07:21,916
don't call.
It freaks me out.
171
00:07:24,086 --> 00:07:25,854
Just give me
one good reason
172
00:07:25,856 --> 00:07:27,655
why we shouldn't keep up
with the Kardashians.
173
00:07:27,657 --> 00:07:29,491
I'll give you five good reasons.
174
00:07:29,493 --> 00:07:33,495
Kim, kamber, klondike...
175
00:07:35,364 --> 00:07:37,465
And the little ones,
krispy and kreme.
176
00:07:40,803 --> 00:07:42,203
Not even close.
177
00:07:42,205 --> 00:07:46,074
Fine.
Kim, kooky, kool aid,
178
00:07:46,076 --> 00:07:48,543
and the little ones,
kaptain and kangaroo.
179
00:07:50,045 --> 00:07:52,547
It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloe,
Kylie, and Kendall.
180
00:07:52,549 --> 00:07:54,148
That mother has some nerve,
naming a kid
181
00:07:54,150 --> 00:07:59,320
who's probably never even read
a book "kindle."
182
00:07:59,322 --> 00:08:00,922
We need this.
183
00:08:00,924 --> 00:08:03,057
Everyone watches keeping up
with the Kardashians.
184
00:08:03,059 --> 00:08:04,626
It's like
dancing with the stars,
185
00:08:04,628 --> 00:08:05,894
but without the stars.
186
00:08:05,896 --> 00:08:08,630
So, dancing with the stars.
187
00:08:08,632 --> 00:08:13,535
Okay, tell me one good thing
about this show that I hate,
188
00:08:13,537 --> 00:08:15,904
'cause I've never seen it.
189
00:08:15,906 --> 00:08:17,205
Well, it's all
about this family
190
00:08:17,207 --> 00:08:20,141
and their struggle to...
191
00:08:20,143 --> 00:08:24,579
Keep up.
192
00:08:24,581 --> 00:08:26,648
Yeah, okay.
I've never seen it either.
193
00:08:31,987 --> 00:08:33,721
Sophie, thank you so much
for letting us come up
194
00:08:33,723 --> 00:08:35,223
after work to watch your TV.
195
00:08:35,225 --> 00:08:38,726
Max turned our old one
into a bong.
196
00:08:38,728 --> 00:08:41,763
That was another time
I was on fire.
197
00:08:41,765 --> 00:08:44,265
Well, which episode do you want
to watch?
198
00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:45,800
"Kim gets a new hat."
199
00:08:45,802 --> 00:08:50,605
Or "Kylie cries at Coachella"?
200
00:08:50,607 --> 00:08:53,441
Or "Khloe gets a bikini wax"?
201
00:08:53,443 --> 00:08:55,977
Now that one's a classic.
202
00:08:55,979 --> 00:08:58,279
How many of these
do you have dvr'd?
203
00:08:58,281 --> 00:09:01,482
Well, I got 17 on this TV
204
00:09:01,484 --> 00:09:04,185
and 53 on the one
in the bedroom.
205
00:09:04,187 --> 00:09:07,355
I like to go to sleep
with the sound of Kim's voice.
206
00:09:07,357 --> 00:09:10,658
It's so comforting
when she says,
207
00:09:10,660 --> 00:09:14,295
[as Kim kardashian]
This is super awkward."
208
00:09:16,198 --> 00:09:18,700
And you know, sometimes she
arches her back
209
00:09:18,702 --> 00:09:21,169
when she says it, like this.
210
00:09:21,171 --> 00:09:25,106
"This is super awkward."
211
00:09:27,710 --> 00:09:30,545
This is super awkward.
212
00:09:30,547 --> 00:09:33,781
You know, I bet you
if I stayed in Poland,
213
00:09:33,783 --> 00:09:36,985
my sisters and I would have
had our own show.
214
00:09:36,987 --> 00:09:41,489
It would've been called,
keeping up with the kachinskis.
215
00:09:41,491 --> 00:09:45,693
It's too bad we all didn't live
to see 20.
216
00:09:45,695 --> 00:09:48,129
It's not cute.
217
00:09:48,131 --> 00:09:49,931
[Indistinct chatter on tv]
You know I need someone
to make me laugh.
218
00:09:49,933 --> 00:09:52,266
Where's Kim?
Kim is always late.
219
00:09:52,268 --> 00:09:56,371
[Indistinct chatter]
220
00:09:56,373 --> 00:09:57,372
Stop!
221
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:00,108
Thanks, guys.
222
00:10:00,110 --> 00:10:01,609
That's it, we're done.
Money.
223
00:10:03,045 --> 00:10:06,981
Hey, get the hell out!
It's morning!
224
00:10:06,983 --> 00:10:08,349
I know, I know,
but we couldn't stop
225
00:10:08,351 --> 00:10:11,352
watching them do nothing.
226
00:10:11,354 --> 00:10:13,955
This show is freaking genius!
227
00:10:13,957 --> 00:10:16,858
Is the blonde one crying?
228
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:19,193
Mm-hmm.
Kris and Kim are in Vienna
229
00:10:19,195 --> 00:10:21,963
and someone stole
kris's bottega bag
230
00:10:21,965 --> 00:10:24,332
and her Chanel clutch
with the matching pumps
231
00:10:24,334 --> 00:10:28,036
that she bought in Paris.
232
00:10:28,038 --> 00:10:32,674
All right, well, I have to go
take my morning tinkle.
233
00:10:32,676 --> 00:10:37,445
But when I come back,
I want you two to be out of here
234
00:10:37,447 --> 00:10:42,050
because I need that swing
for my exercises.
235
00:10:44,653 --> 00:10:46,621
We have to do this show.
236
00:10:46,623 --> 00:10:48,623
It'll be so great
for our business.
237
00:10:48,625 --> 00:10:50,258
The only way we'd get
more exposure
238
00:10:50,260 --> 00:10:52,627
is if Orlando bloom and bieber
bitchslapped each other
239
00:10:52,629 --> 00:10:56,431
in front of our shop.
240
00:10:56,433 --> 00:10:58,099
Who cares about our business?
241
00:10:58,101 --> 00:11:01,436
I want that mother to adopt me!
242
00:11:01,438 --> 00:11:05,039
Her kid makes a sex tape,
she turns it into millions.
243
00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:07,241
The only thing my mother
ever did with my sex tape
244
00:11:07,243 --> 00:11:09,911
was copy it
and give it to her boyfriend.
245
00:11:14,950 --> 00:11:16,617
I'm so excited.
246
00:11:16,619 --> 00:11:18,886
Max, this is what I look like
when I'm happy.
247
00:11:18,888 --> 00:11:20,955
You've never seen it.
248
00:11:20,957 --> 00:11:25,760
Please call me by my new name,
khlamydia Kardashian.
249
00:11:29,164 --> 00:11:30,765
don't say anything stupid
like that.
250
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:32,734
I won't have to say anything.
251
00:11:32,736 --> 00:11:34,535
Kris will see me
and recognize me
252
00:11:34,537 --> 00:11:36,571
as one of her own
with my lips, my boobs,
253
00:11:36,573 --> 00:11:41,375
and my willingness to live
in some place called calabasas.
254
00:11:41,377 --> 00:11:43,344
They're here.
My life changes now!
255
00:11:43,346 --> 00:11:44,345
This is what I
look like happy.
256
00:11:44,347 --> 00:11:47,381
You've never seen it.
257
00:11:47,383 --> 00:11:50,752
Hi, we are so, so excited
about this.
258
00:11:50,754 --> 00:11:52,053
There has been a change.
259
00:11:52,055 --> 00:11:53,254
They're not coming.
260
00:11:53,256 --> 00:11:55,423
It's too far to walk
in heels.
261
00:11:55,425 --> 00:11:57,391
See? She might as well
have been my real mom
262
00:11:57,393 --> 00:12:00,461
'cause she just chose a heel
over me.
263
00:12:00,463 --> 00:12:04,298
Hi, here I am to meet kiki,
my bff.
264
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:07,568
And look at my new dress!
Twinsies!
265
00:12:07,570 --> 00:12:10,838
They certainly are.
266
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,174
Sorry, she's not coming.
267
00:12:13,176 --> 00:12:15,843
We had to film them
in jamba juice instead.
268
00:12:15,845 --> 00:12:17,745
Oh.
269
00:12:17,747 --> 00:12:21,249
Well, this is super awkward.
270
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:29,891
[Clanking cookware]
271
00:12:29,893 --> 00:12:31,592
Stupid Kardashians!
272
00:12:31,594 --> 00:12:33,361
Kim, kankels, krank,
273
00:12:33,363 --> 00:12:35,797
and the little ones,
kegel and kickball,
274
00:12:35,799 --> 00:12:37,698
you can kiss my keister.
275
00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:41,068
Max, stop it!
I'm trying to sleep.
276
00:12:41,070 --> 00:12:43,704
Well, sorry, but I'm pissed
and it's 11:30 anyway.
277
00:12:43,706 --> 00:12:45,139
What's going on?
278
00:12:45,141 --> 00:12:48,276
Even one tweet from Kim
would have exposed us
279
00:12:48,278 --> 00:12:50,611
to 22 million followers.
280
00:12:50,613 --> 00:12:53,114
Scientology doesn't even
have those numbers.
281
00:12:53,116 --> 00:12:55,283
They screwed us.
- I know.
282
00:12:55,285 --> 00:12:57,652
That is why I'm making
hate cupcakes
283
00:12:57,654 --> 00:12:59,153
for the Kardashians, see?
284
00:12:59,155 --> 00:13:02,023
"Eat it,"
"bite me,"
285
00:13:02,025 --> 00:13:05,493
and these three...
"Get" "a" "job."
286
00:13:05,495 --> 00:13:07,528
Oh, and one for the mom
that says, "I still love you,"
287
00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:09,664
just in case.
288
00:13:09,666 --> 00:13:11,132
Now come on, get up.
289
00:13:11,134 --> 00:13:14,435
Your son needs to go out
and take an 8-foot crap.
290
00:13:14,437 --> 00:13:16,337
No, I'm done.
291
00:13:16,339 --> 00:13:18,873
If everyone's done
with cupcakes, so am I.
292
00:13:18,875 --> 00:13:20,875
I'm done pretending that
everything's gonna work out.
293
00:13:20,877 --> 00:13:24,545
In our reality show,
it's not.
294
00:13:24,547 --> 00:13:27,882
Look, get up, or I will close
this bed with you in it,
295
00:13:27,884 --> 00:13:31,886
and your new reality show will
be true life: I live in a wall.
296
00:13:33,255 --> 00:13:36,824
I'm not getting up.
Ever.
297
00:13:36,826 --> 00:13:39,026
Aah! Max, stop, stop it!
Stop it!
298
00:13:39,028 --> 00:13:41,529
Put me down!
Put me down!
299
00:13:42,798 --> 00:13:45,800
What's happening?
300
00:13:45,802 --> 00:13:47,368
I can't lift my head.
301
00:13:47,370 --> 00:13:48,870
Did I have a stroke?
302
00:13:48,872 --> 00:13:51,172
Calm down.
No one has stroked in your bed
303
00:13:51,174 --> 00:13:53,608
since--what is it,
going on a year?
304
00:13:53,610 --> 00:13:56,611
Max.
My hair is caught.
305
00:13:56,613 --> 00:13:58,512
My hair is caught!
My hair is caught!
306
00:13:58,514 --> 00:13:59,847
Who are you yelling at?
307
00:13:59,849 --> 00:14:02,250
The whole situation!
Do something!
308
00:14:02,252 --> 00:14:04,752
Let me look.
309
00:14:04,754 --> 00:14:08,756
Oh yeah, it's all caught up
in the bed gears here.
310
00:14:08,758 --> 00:14:10,024
Oh my god, I have a bed
with gears
311
00:14:10,026 --> 00:14:14,862
and my hair is caught in it!
312
00:14:14,864 --> 00:14:16,831
Ooh, nope.
313
00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:18,933
It's really all stuck up
in there.
314
00:14:18,935 --> 00:14:20,601
It's so odd.
315
00:14:20,603 --> 00:14:23,104
I don't know how a thing like
this could happen.
316
00:14:23,106 --> 00:14:27,375
Uh, you put me up into the wall.
317
00:14:27,377 --> 00:14:28,709
And now I'm trapped
in a Murphy bed
318
00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:31,345
like some welfare rapunzel.
319
00:14:31,347 --> 00:14:33,214
Stop panicking,
I'll get a scissors.
320
00:14:33,216 --> 00:14:35,116
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Get the scissors.
321
00:14:35,118 --> 00:14:37,184
Then plunge 'em into my heart
'cause I'd rather die
322
00:14:37,186 --> 00:14:39,320
than cut my hair.
323
00:14:39,322 --> 00:14:42,156
Okay, Max, I think I have
something that might work,
324
00:14:42,158 --> 00:14:43,891
but you have to promise me
325
00:14:43,893 --> 00:14:46,727
that you will never bring
this up again.
326
00:14:46,729 --> 00:14:47,828
What?
The fact that your head
327
00:14:47,830 --> 00:14:49,263
is stuck to your bed?
328
00:14:49,265 --> 00:14:52,934
Sorry, that's coming up again.
329
00:14:52,936 --> 00:14:54,335
Go into my nightstand
330
00:14:54,337 --> 00:14:56,304
and get my cinnamon-flavored
make-up remover.
331
00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:00,741
You mean the lube?
332
00:15:00,743 --> 00:15:02,944
Can we please call it
make-up remover?
333
00:15:02,946 --> 00:15:06,647
Please!
I need us to do that.
334
00:15:06,649 --> 00:15:08,516
It's almost empty.
335
00:15:08,518 --> 00:15:12,119
Man, you've removed
a lot of make-up.
336
00:15:12,121 --> 00:15:13,654
Stop it!
Just squeeze some out
337
00:15:13,656 --> 00:15:16,057
and put it on the parts
that we need to move.
338
00:15:16,059 --> 00:15:19,460
Yeah, I'm familiar.
339
00:15:19,462 --> 00:15:21,562
Ew!
340
00:15:21,564 --> 00:15:23,064
[Whining]
341
00:15:23,066 --> 00:15:25,466
Please tell me it's working.
342
00:15:25,468 --> 00:15:30,171
I'm trying, but I don't think
I can get your hair out.
343
00:15:30,173 --> 00:15:33,474
Good news is, I think we
can fit a penis in there.
344
00:15:33,476 --> 00:15:34,809
[Knock on door]
345
00:15:34,811 --> 00:15:36,277
Who could that be?
346
00:15:36,279 --> 00:15:38,980
A rapist we've done most
of the work for.
347
00:15:47,422 --> 00:15:49,557
Oh, we were just talking
about you.
348
00:15:49,559 --> 00:15:52,360
Max, you gotta help me with
the bread for han's toast.
349
00:15:52,362 --> 00:15:54,128
I've already burned
ten of these.
350
00:15:54,130 --> 00:15:59,633
Turns out the only thing
I can successfully bake is meth.
351
00:15:59,635 --> 00:16:02,870
Oleg, come to the bed.
I need you!
352
00:16:02,872 --> 00:16:05,039
All right!
353
00:16:05,041 --> 00:16:08,342
Only took you four years,
but I'm here, baby.
354
00:16:08,344 --> 00:16:10,411
No, it's not like that, Oleg.
355
00:16:10,413 --> 00:16:12,013
Just get over here!
356
00:16:12,015 --> 00:16:13,147
Okay.
357
00:16:13,149 --> 00:16:14,148
Hold this.
358
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:26,727
Earl, what are you doing here?
359
00:16:26,729 --> 00:16:29,163
Oleg called me
when he couldn't get Caroline
360
00:16:29,165 --> 00:16:31,966
to stop the screaming.
361
00:16:31,968 --> 00:16:36,504
Hi, Max.
Earl gave me part of a brownie.
362
00:16:36,506 --> 00:16:39,240
Turns out, glaucoma
and having hair stuck
363
00:16:39,242 --> 00:16:43,177
take the exact same
prescription.
364
00:16:43,179 --> 00:16:44,311
Look!
365
00:16:44,313 --> 00:16:46,414
That's right, you mothers!
366
00:16:46,416 --> 00:16:48,149
I did it!
367
00:16:48,151 --> 00:16:50,217
I made the perfect bread!
368
00:16:53,755 --> 00:16:57,758
You're a chef who took 19 hours
to make one loaf of bread.
369
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:02,596
Stephen Hawking was more
successful at the 100-yard dash.
370
00:17:02,598 --> 00:17:04,765
And you--
you are aware
371
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:07,134
that I went all the way
into Manhattan,
372
00:17:07,136 --> 00:17:09,203
cupcake-bombed
Kim Kardashian's hotel,
373
00:17:09,205 --> 00:17:10,971
and you're still just
laying here, right?
374
00:17:10,973 --> 00:17:12,406
Didn't you have to pee?
375
00:17:12,408 --> 00:17:15,543
I held most of it in.
376
00:17:15,545 --> 00:17:17,645
This is crazy.
You've been here all day.
377
00:17:17,647 --> 00:17:19,580
Let's just cut
your damn hair already.
378
00:17:19,582 --> 00:17:22,450
I wouldn't be me
without my hair.
379
00:17:22,452 --> 00:17:24,051
I can't live without it.
380
00:17:24,053 --> 00:17:25,786
Yes, you can.
381
00:17:25,788 --> 00:17:27,088
You have lived without money,
382
00:17:27,090 --> 00:17:28,622
you've lived without
electricity,
383
00:17:28,624 --> 00:17:30,224
you've lived without plumbing.
384
00:17:30,226 --> 00:17:31,959
What do you think got me
through it?
385
00:17:31,961 --> 00:17:33,761
My hair.
386
00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:35,396
I'd be like, "lost all my money,
the toilet's clogged,
387
00:17:35,398 --> 00:17:37,565
still got my hair."
388
00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:39,366
[Knock at door]
389
00:17:39,368 --> 00:17:41,602
Darling, I don't think
those brownies are kicking in.
390
00:17:41,604 --> 00:17:44,472
I also have some lollipops.
391
00:17:47,309 --> 00:17:48,909
I hope you're happy.
392
00:17:48,911 --> 00:17:50,544
I didn't see anything through
the peep-hole,
393
00:17:50,546 --> 00:17:52,613
so I'm guessing it's han.
394
00:17:52,615 --> 00:17:56,050
Ah, hello!
395
00:17:56,052 --> 00:17:59,253
I have an open diner
and no diner staff!
396
00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:04,258
Han, look, I made perfect bread.
397
00:18:04,260 --> 00:18:07,128
Oh, wow.
It's bigger than I'm used to.
398
00:18:07,130 --> 00:18:11,532
Let me just take a minute
and breathe.
399
00:18:11,534 --> 00:18:14,201
And I'm sure
I can take it all in.
400
00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:18,105
Well, if you need any help,
401
00:18:18,107 --> 00:18:19,373
Caroline's got
some make-up remover.
402
00:18:23,111 --> 00:18:27,148
Kiki tweet, kiki tweet,
kiki tweet!
403
00:18:27,150 --> 00:18:28,782
She's saying "kiki tweet"!
404
00:18:28,784 --> 00:18:31,619
How did he understand that?
Is he part dolphin?
405
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:37,858
Kim Kardashian tweeted
a pic of my mean cupcakes
406
00:18:37,860 --> 00:18:42,630
and said, "Max's homemade
cupcakes #notcool."
407
00:18:44,299 --> 00:18:50,037
Oh, my god, Kim Kardashian
hates someone I know!
408
00:18:51,406 --> 00:18:54,675
That went out to
22 million people!
409
00:18:54,677 --> 00:18:57,011
I'm so sorry.
Why?
410
00:18:57,013 --> 00:19:00,748
Do you know how many people
can't stand the Kardashians?
411
00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:02,383
Our cupcake window
will be packed!
412
00:19:02,385 --> 00:19:04,952
Cut me loose.
413
00:19:04,954 --> 00:19:09,023
Hey, Caroline,
we're finally about to scissor.
414
00:19:10,926 --> 00:19:11,992
Are you sure?
415
00:19:11,994 --> 00:19:13,827
We got a business to run.
416
00:19:13,829 --> 00:19:15,229
Cut it, I'll be fine.
417
00:19:24,239 --> 00:19:28,442
Aah!
418
00:19:28,444 --> 00:19:31,879
Yeah, you're gonna need
that lollipop.
419
00:19:37,953 --> 00:19:40,821
Yeah, I know,
those Kardashians are the worst.
420
00:19:40,823 --> 00:19:43,490
That's why I don't keep up
with them anymore.
421
00:19:43,492 --> 00:19:46,760
All right, Max.
Okay, that's it.
422
00:19:46,762 --> 00:19:48,896
Just one left.
Not bad.
423
00:19:48,898 --> 00:19:50,397
And your hair's not bad either.
424
00:19:50,399 --> 00:19:51,865
Yeah, now,
425
00:19:51,867 --> 00:19:53,701
after the emergency trip
to that salon.
426
00:19:53,703 --> 00:19:55,035
When you got done with me,
427
00:19:55,037 --> 00:19:57,238
I looked like
a baby bird on chemo.
428
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,940
I'm sorry I had to use the last
of our savings for my hair cut.
429
00:19:59,942 --> 00:20:02,343
No, you're not.
- No, I am not,
I love this.
430
00:20:14,556 --> 00:20:15,689
Hi, I'm Kim.
431
00:20:15,691 --> 00:20:17,191
[Both exhaling heavily]
432
00:20:17,193 --> 00:20:18,859
I just wanted to say sorry
433
00:20:18,861 --> 00:20:20,894
that we didn't film here
the other day.
434
00:20:20,896 --> 00:20:24,365
It almost hurts to look at her.
435
00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:26,500
I know how hard
us girls really work
436
00:20:26,502 --> 00:20:27,701
to keep our businesses going,
437
00:20:27,703 --> 00:20:29,203
so I'll take a cupcake
438
00:20:29,205 --> 00:20:31,772
and I'll totally tweet
about it for real.
439
00:20:31,774 --> 00:20:33,440
[Squeaks]
Thank you so much.
440
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:36,710
Here, here, here, here, here.
441
00:20:36,712 --> 00:20:38,712
We can't break a $100,
and anyway,
442
00:20:38,714 --> 00:20:39,780
this is so on the house.
443
00:20:39,782 --> 00:20:43,751
Oh, thanks.
444
00:20:43,753 --> 00:20:46,220
Cute hair.
445
00:20:46,222 --> 00:20:48,489
Wait.
Real quick...
446
00:20:48,491 --> 00:20:52,293
Do you think your mother
would adopt me?
447
00:20:52,295 --> 00:20:54,295
This is super awkward.
448
00:20:56,431 --> 00:20:59,500
[Squealing quietly]
449
00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:04,638
[Both shrieking and laughing]