1
00:00:03,446 --> 00:00:06,715
Max, I have a surprise,
and it's right behind you.
2
00:00:06,717 --> 00:00:08,216
Before I turn around,
is it oprah?
3
00:00:08,218 --> 00:00:10,719
'cause I will die.
4
00:00:10,721 --> 00:00:13,522
It's a diploma
from pastry school.
5
00:00:13,524 --> 00:00:15,157
No, seriously,
what's the surprise?
6
00:00:15,159 --> 00:00:17,392
I'll even take gayle.
7
00:00:17,394 --> 00:00:20,862
You would've graduated
if the school hadn't closed,
8
00:00:20,864 --> 00:00:24,166
And oleg knows a guy
who fakes documents, so...
9
00:00:24,168 --> 00:00:25,567
You're a pastry school graduate,
10
00:00:25,569 --> 00:00:29,404
And I'm a real estate agent
and a french citizen.
11
00:00:29,406 --> 00:00:32,240
I'll be able to show houses
in France.
12
00:00:32,242 --> 00:00:34,176
And how are you
getting there?
13
00:00:34,178 --> 00:00:36,678
I'm also a licensed pilot.
14
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,347
Look, I am not
a pastry school graduate.
15
00:00:39,349 --> 00:00:41,183
I'm not even
a high school graduate.
16
00:00:41,185 --> 00:00:44,052
The only thing I graduated from
was a scared straight program,
17
00:00:44,054 --> 00:00:46,455
Which is why
I'm not gay anymore.
18
00:00:47,623 --> 00:00:49,224
Max, you really
didn't graduate?
19
00:00:49,226 --> 00:00:50,625
I always thought
you were kidding
20
00:00:50,627 --> 00:00:52,194
About dropping out
of high school,
21
00:00:52,196 --> 00:00:54,763
Like when you say
that howard stern is your dad.
22
00:00:54,765 --> 00:00:56,064
'cause he is.
23
00:00:56,066 --> 00:00:57,833
Look at our eyes.
24
00:00:58,901 --> 00:00:59,901
And I did drop out.
25
00:00:59,903 --> 00:01:01,536
I was like, "later, suckas.
26
00:01:01,538 --> 00:01:04,306
I'll find a water fountain
somewhere else."
27
00:01:04,308 --> 00:01:05,874
Water fountains?
Gross.
28
00:01:05,876 --> 00:01:07,375
In private school,
29
00:01:07,377 --> 00:01:09,211
We never bent down
to put our mouths on something
30
00:01:09,213 --> 00:01:11,446
Unless it had a yacht.
31
00:01:13,483 --> 00:01:15,951
I didn't need a piece of paper
from high school,
32
00:01:15,953 --> 00:01:17,986
And I don't need
this fake piece of paper,
33
00:01:17,988 --> 00:01:19,754
Because I don't fake things.
34
00:01:19,756 --> 00:01:21,289
Except orgasms with guys
35
00:01:21,291 --> 00:01:22,724
Who don't know
how to yank hair good.
36
00:01:24,994 --> 00:01:27,162
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
37
00:01:27,164 --> 00:01:28,763
[cash register bell dings]
38
00:01:28,765 --> 00:01:34,069
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
39
00:01:38,274 --> 00:01:39,975
(woman)
well, I'm glad you called back,
40
00:01:39,977 --> 00:01:41,343
You slimeball.
41
00:01:41,345 --> 00:01:43,411
[laughs]
42
00:01:43,413 --> 00:01:45,113
Oh, good.
43
00:01:45,115 --> 00:01:47,249
When you weren't here
when I woke up, I got worried.
44
00:01:47,251 --> 00:01:49,284
So worried you decided
to eat cookies
45
00:01:49,286 --> 00:01:51,353
And watch mama's family?
46
00:01:52,622 --> 00:01:54,523
We all grieve
in our own way.
47
00:01:54,525 --> 00:01:56,391
Guess I should cancel
the strippers.
48
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:01,429
So I found out
something interesting today
49
00:02:01,431 --> 00:02:02,697
That has to do with you.
50
00:02:02,699 --> 00:02:06,368
Aw, crap, you found out
what happened in orlando?
51
00:02:06,370 --> 00:02:09,004
Why?
What happened in orlando?
52
00:02:09,006 --> 00:02:12,140
Don't tell me you slept
with mickey mouse.
53
00:02:12,142 --> 00:02:14,009
Well, I slept with someone
54
00:02:14,011 --> 00:02:18,046
With suspenders
and four fingers.
55
00:02:18,048 --> 00:02:21,016
I'm assuming
it was mickey.
56
00:02:21,018 --> 00:02:23,385
Either way,
it was heaven.
57
00:02:23,387 --> 00:02:25,854
Well, I found out
58
00:02:25,856 --> 00:02:28,023
That you're not the badass
you claim to be.
59
00:02:28,025 --> 00:02:29,891
I talked to your old
high school principal,
60
00:02:29,893 --> 00:02:31,693
And he said the only reason
you didn't graduate
61
00:02:31,695 --> 00:02:34,362
Is 'cause you failed to show up
for one history final.
62
00:02:34,364 --> 00:02:38,033
My high school's
still standing?
63
00:02:38,035 --> 00:02:40,435
Guess I didn't flick
that cigarette far enough.
64
00:02:42,305 --> 00:02:45,073
I cannot believe you'd invade
my privacy like that.
65
00:02:45,075 --> 00:02:46,741
Invade your privacy?
66
00:02:46,743 --> 00:02:49,244
You shave your junk
with the door open.
67
00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,682
So?
68
00:02:53,684 --> 00:02:56,618
To the apartment.
69
00:02:58,554 --> 00:03:00,522
Well, maybe you'll change
your mind
70
00:03:00,524 --> 00:03:02,257
When you find out
that the principal--
71
00:03:02,259 --> 00:03:04,492
Your old history teacher,
mr. Huck--
72
00:03:04,494 --> 00:03:06,328
Said you can come back
and take the test this Friday,
73
00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:08,363
And if you pass,
you'll get your diploma.
74
00:03:08,365 --> 00:03:09,664
[knock at door]
75
00:03:09,666 --> 00:03:10,665
If that's mr. Huck,
76
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:13,501
I will murder your face.
77
00:03:13,503 --> 00:03:14,603
Max, please don't kill me.
78
00:03:14,605 --> 00:03:16,404
I can live here,
but I can't die here.
79
00:03:19,242 --> 00:03:20,475
Hey, girls.
80
00:03:23,846 --> 00:03:26,848
I got google glasses.
81
00:03:26,850 --> 00:03:29,451
See, right now,
I'm looking at you
82
00:03:29,453 --> 00:03:33,521
And ordering tapioca
on amazon.
83
00:03:35,091 --> 00:03:37,192
Now is not a great time,
sophie.
84
00:03:37,194 --> 00:03:39,427
Max is upset with me
because I'm trying to help her
85
00:03:39,429 --> 00:03:41,429
Graduate from high school.
86
00:03:41,431 --> 00:03:43,398
Aw, you're sure
she's just not upset with you
87
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,033
'cause of the way you chew?
88
00:03:45,035 --> 00:03:49,204
I'm sorry I have to chew,
everyone.
89
00:03:49,206 --> 00:03:51,406
I found out max can go
take one history test
90
00:03:51,408 --> 00:03:53,608
In her hometown,
and then she'll get her diploma.
91
00:03:54,577 --> 00:03:55,543
Max, you know
I've never been
92
00:03:55,545 --> 00:03:57,779
A big fan of hers...
93
00:03:59,482 --> 00:04:01,950
But I like the idea
of you getting that degree.
94
00:04:01,952 --> 00:04:03,752
I mean,
I'll never live down
95
00:04:03,754 --> 00:04:06,488
Not graduating
from school for the deaf.
96
00:04:08,891 --> 00:04:10,392
You're not deaf, sophie.
97
00:04:10,394 --> 00:04:13,161
I know.
It was really hard.
98
00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:17,299
Well, I don't care
who she called,
99
00:04:17,301 --> 00:04:18,667
'cause I'm not gonna do it.
100
00:04:18,669 --> 00:04:21,169
And if mr. Huck thinks
I would ever step foot
101
00:04:21,171 --> 00:04:23,738
Back in his
mr. Know-it-all university,
102
00:04:23,740 --> 00:04:25,507
I have two words for him.
103
00:04:25,509 --> 00:04:26,875
"huck u."
104
00:04:29,178 --> 00:04:31,346
That's what mr. Huck
said you'd say.
105
00:04:31,348 --> 00:04:33,315
He also said
that senior year,
106
00:04:33,317 --> 00:04:36,418
You sold
"huck u" t-shirts
107
00:04:36,420 --> 00:04:39,321
And that you have no ambition
and no follow-through.
108
00:04:39,323 --> 00:04:41,923
That's when I knew
he was really your teacher.
109
00:04:41,925 --> 00:04:44,192
No ambition?
110
00:04:44,194 --> 00:04:45,593
I made enough
off those shirts
111
00:04:45,595 --> 00:04:47,829
To do nothing
for, like, a month.
112
00:04:50,132 --> 00:04:52,367
Look, I got two bus tickets
to rhode island.
113
00:04:52,369 --> 00:04:54,436
I didn't even know you could
buy bus tickets ahead of time.
114
00:04:54,438 --> 00:04:56,371
I thought you just showed up,
and if you looked like
115
00:04:56,373 --> 00:04:58,506
You made enough mistakes
in life, they let you on.
116
00:05:00,609 --> 00:05:02,010
(sophie)
come on, max.
117
00:05:02,012 --> 00:05:03,311
I haven't waited this long
118
00:05:03,313 --> 00:05:05,013
To hear someone say yes
119
00:05:05,015 --> 00:05:08,083
Since I was
at school for the deaf.
120
00:05:10,353 --> 00:05:11,453
Fine.
121
00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:13,121
Fine, I'll go.
122
00:05:13,123 --> 00:05:16,891
But only because mr. Huck
thinks I won't.
123
00:05:16,893 --> 00:05:19,494
Aw, okay, well, I'm gonna
let you two start studying.
124
00:05:19,496 --> 00:05:21,162
And in full disclosure,
125
00:05:21,164 --> 00:05:24,399
I watched some porno
during this conversation.
126
00:05:24,401 --> 00:05:25,767
See ya later.
127
00:05:30,473 --> 00:05:31,906
Hey, max.
128
00:05:31,908 --> 00:05:34,075
Caroline told everyone
the good news
129
00:05:34,077 --> 00:05:36,745
About you going back to take
that american history test.
130
00:05:36,747 --> 00:05:38,079
Good for you.
131
00:05:38,081 --> 00:05:39,914
Yeah, I started studying
last night,
132
00:05:39,916 --> 00:05:41,850
And on behalf
of all white people,
133
00:05:41,852 --> 00:05:44,652
I would like to apologize
for everything ever.
134
00:05:46,922 --> 00:05:50,058
Well, apology accepted
for everything ever
135
00:05:50,060 --> 00:05:53,228
Except for slavery
and the gap.
136
00:05:55,865 --> 00:05:58,666
Here, max, I brought you
the history book
137
00:05:58,668 --> 00:06:00,568
Which I'm studying from
for my citizenship test.
138
00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:02,637
Aren't babies
automatically citizens?
139
00:06:05,207 --> 00:06:08,576
I don't know why
I root for you.
140
00:06:08,578 --> 00:06:11,179
Here, your country
has a very rich past,
141
00:06:11,181 --> 00:06:14,349
Unlike korea, which had its past
stolen by the japanese.
142
00:06:15,785 --> 00:06:19,854
Han, we are not talking
about european history.
143
00:06:19,856 --> 00:06:22,690
We are talking
about american history.
144
00:06:22,692 --> 00:06:25,527
Oof, you're going to be
working here forever.
145
00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:30,698
Good luck, lady.
146
00:06:32,902 --> 00:06:34,702
Okay, max,
I've come up with a way
147
00:06:34,704 --> 00:06:36,905
For you to work and study
at the same time,
148
00:06:36,907 --> 00:06:40,442
Like when you shop and steal
at the same time.
149
00:06:40,444 --> 00:06:42,610
I know, when they show it
to me on those security cameras,
150
00:06:42,612 --> 00:06:45,079
I'm always impressed.
151
00:06:45,081 --> 00:06:47,315
I mean, I really don't know
anyone else who's doing it.
152
00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:50,618
[bell dings]
153
00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:52,487
Max, pick-up.
Burrito for table eight.
154
00:06:52,489 --> 00:06:53,822
Ugh, jeez,
I just walked in.
155
00:06:53,824 --> 00:06:56,724
Why do I have to have
all this burrito drama?
156
00:06:56,726 --> 00:06:59,227
First, caroline says
I have to quiz you
157
00:06:59,229 --> 00:07:01,763
Every time you come
to the window, so...
158
00:07:01,765 --> 00:07:04,499
Who was the sexually virile
male pop singer
159
00:07:04,501 --> 00:07:07,836
Responsible for the hit song
jessie's girl?
160
00:07:09,738 --> 00:07:11,005
Rick springfield.
161
00:07:11,007 --> 00:07:14,509
Burrito's all yours,
smarty.
162
00:07:14,511 --> 00:07:15,977
Oleg, no.
163
00:07:15,979 --> 00:07:17,312
You have to ask questions
164
00:07:17,314 --> 00:07:18,813
From the flash cards
I provided.
165
00:07:18,815 --> 00:07:20,515
They're color-coordinated
by century
166
00:07:20,517 --> 00:07:23,585
And subdivided by president.
167
00:07:23,587 --> 00:07:25,119
Don't look at me
like that, max.
168
00:07:25,121 --> 00:07:27,522
I'm a fun person.
I taught myself the dougie.
169
00:07:31,260 --> 00:07:33,461
Okay, here goes.
170
00:07:33,463 --> 00:07:36,798
Which amendment to
the United States constitution
171
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,601
Guarantees
a woman's right to...
172
00:07:39,603 --> 00:07:41,269
Vote?
173
00:07:45,274 --> 00:07:47,675
Wait, women can vote?
174
00:07:49,378 --> 00:07:53,715
So when you say
women can vote,
175
00:07:53,717 --> 00:07:57,418
You mean, like,
besides for american idol?
176
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:01,956
Max, you think you're not smart,
but you are.
177
00:08:01,958 --> 00:08:03,725
You just need to come up
with little tricks
178
00:08:03,727 --> 00:08:05,126
To help jog your memory.
179
00:08:05,128 --> 00:08:06,828
My memory doesn't jog.
180
00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:08,963
I've smoked so much pot,
it's in one of those hospitals
181
00:08:08,965 --> 00:08:11,032
Learning to walk again.
182
00:08:15,070 --> 00:08:16,905
What was
the great compromise?
183
00:08:16,907 --> 00:08:19,674
You mean besides
you moving in with me?
184
00:08:19,676 --> 00:08:21,643
It created the two houses
of congress.
185
00:08:21,645 --> 00:08:23,811
Hooty-hoo!
186
00:08:23,813 --> 00:08:25,847
Next question:
What was the movement
187
00:08:25,849 --> 00:08:28,349
Against the sale or drinking
of alcohol called?
188
00:08:28,351 --> 00:08:29,884
The bowel movement?
189
00:08:29,886 --> 00:08:32,687
No, the temperance movement.
190
00:08:32,689 --> 00:08:34,255
And don't mention
the bathroom.
191
00:08:34,257 --> 00:08:36,324
I've had to pee
since we passed that last town
192
00:08:36,326 --> 00:08:38,259
That used to make something.
193
00:08:38,261 --> 00:08:39,727
Just go to the bathroom.
194
00:08:39,729 --> 00:08:41,729
What are you so afraid of?
195
00:08:41,731 --> 00:08:44,365
The bathroom.
196
00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:45,700
I will use
a public bathroom.
197
00:08:45,702 --> 00:08:46,868
I will use a public bus.
198
00:08:46,870 --> 00:08:48,403
But I will not use
the public bathroom
199
00:08:48,405 --> 00:08:49,737
On a public bus.
200
00:08:49,739 --> 00:08:50,939
Next card.
201
00:08:50,941 --> 00:08:52,740
No, give me a twizzler.
I know enough.
202
00:08:52,742 --> 00:08:54,375
No candy.
Study harder.
203
00:08:54,377 --> 00:08:56,177
You're looking
at a solid "d."
204
00:08:56,179 --> 00:08:59,180
Well, my grades
should match my boobs.
205
00:08:59,182 --> 00:09:00,848
Next question.
Okay.
206
00:09:00,850 --> 00:09:03,418
In what city
was the constitution written?
207
00:09:03,420 --> 00:09:05,186
No idea.
208
00:09:05,188 --> 00:09:06,854
Philadelphia?
209
00:09:06,856 --> 00:09:08,523
Oh, damn it,
I almost said that.
210
00:09:08,525 --> 00:09:09,857
It's right there.
211
00:09:09,859 --> 00:09:11,793
Philadelphia makes
cheesesteaks.
212
00:09:11,795 --> 00:09:14,729
The constitution
is cheesy.
213
00:09:14,731 --> 00:09:16,598
Why do I doubt myself?
214
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,266
How much further?
215
00:09:18,268 --> 00:09:20,435
I thought rhode island
was supposed to be a tiny state.
216
00:09:20,437 --> 00:09:21,736
When are we stopping?
217
00:09:21,738 --> 00:09:22,971
Well, we have
to pass cranston,
218
00:09:22,973 --> 00:09:25,206
Providence,
and then our stop is hope.
219
00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:29,277
Wait, max, you were born
in a town called "hope"?
220
00:09:29,279 --> 00:09:30,812
Well, just outside hope.
221
00:09:30,814 --> 00:09:32,213
And success and money.
222
00:09:32,215 --> 00:09:33,881
[groans]
well, there's no hope for me.
223
00:09:33,883 --> 00:09:35,216
I have to pee so badly.
224
00:09:35,218 --> 00:09:37,085
I'm going in.
225
00:09:37,087 --> 00:09:38,419
Leave the twizzlers.
226
00:09:38,421 --> 00:09:39,787
Here, study.
227
00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:42,290
Oh, my god.
228
00:09:42,292 --> 00:09:43,625
You know the toilet
229
00:09:43,627 --> 00:09:45,727
Isn't just there
as a suggestion.
230
00:09:50,499 --> 00:09:51,899
[yelps]
231
00:10:00,576 --> 00:10:03,011
Wow, north east high.
232
00:10:03,013 --> 00:10:04,846
Never thought
I'd be here again.
233
00:10:04,848 --> 00:10:07,815
This sure brings back
no memories.
234
00:10:09,351 --> 00:10:11,019
It's cute.
235
00:10:11,021 --> 00:10:14,589
You know, in an underfunded
public school kind of way.
236
00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:18,326
Wait, are you in high school?
237
00:10:18,328 --> 00:10:21,262
Oh, my god, I'm 100.
238
00:10:21,264 --> 00:10:23,031
Oh, there it is, 2-c.
239
00:10:23,033 --> 00:10:24,866
Hold on.
240
00:10:24,868 --> 00:10:26,367
Why are you covering
those up?
241
00:10:26,369 --> 00:10:29,370
They're the only reason
I passed chemistry.
242
00:10:31,774 --> 00:10:34,108
Max black.
243
00:10:34,110 --> 00:10:36,844
Mr. Huck.
244
00:10:36,846 --> 00:10:38,346
I'm surprised.
245
00:10:38,348 --> 00:10:39,814
That I showed up?
246
00:10:39,816 --> 00:10:42,283
No, that you're alive.
247
00:10:42,285 --> 00:10:44,952
You and me both,
sister.
248
00:10:44,954 --> 00:10:46,621
[chuckles]
249
00:10:46,623 --> 00:10:48,222
And you must be caroline.
250
00:10:48,224 --> 00:10:49,490
Oh, you look just
like the girls
251
00:10:49,492 --> 00:10:51,693
Max used to give wedgies to
in the cafeteria.
252
00:10:53,128 --> 00:10:55,329
Still does.
253
00:10:55,331 --> 00:10:57,498
Oh, ladies,
this is hector.
254
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:58,900
Hector will be
joining us today,
255
00:10:58,902 --> 00:11:01,335
As he was not in attendance
during exam day.
256
00:11:01,337 --> 00:11:03,471
Ay, yo, mr. Huck,
that's 'cause my sister
257
00:11:03,473 --> 00:11:05,206
Didn't wake me up
'cause she's a bitch.
258
00:11:07,476 --> 00:11:08,876
Very good.
259
00:11:11,346 --> 00:11:12,580
Ay, yo.
260
00:11:12,582 --> 00:11:14,482
This place is filled
with tiny tables, yo.
261
00:11:17,252 --> 00:11:18,519
Oh, I'm sorry.
262
00:11:18,521 --> 00:11:19,821
It's teachers
and delinquents only
263
00:11:19,823 --> 00:11:21,155
Beyond this point.
264
00:11:21,157 --> 00:11:23,057
You can wait out there.
265
00:11:23,059 --> 00:11:24,659
Are you nervous?
A little.
266
00:11:24,661 --> 00:11:26,227
I forgot I have a joint
in my purse,
267
00:11:26,229 --> 00:11:28,096
And I don't want
to get expelled.
268
00:11:28,098 --> 00:11:30,264
Max, you can do this.
269
00:11:30,266 --> 00:11:31,666
I think
you think you can't,
270
00:11:31,668 --> 00:11:33,735
But I know that you can.
271
00:11:33,737 --> 00:11:35,536
Look at me.
272
00:11:35,538 --> 00:11:37,605
You are smart.
273
00:11:37,607 --> 00:11:38,606
What are you?
274
00:11:38,608 --> 00:11:40,108
Smart.
275
00:11:40,110 --> 00:11:41,809
See, you already got
one question right.
276
00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:45,379
Okay, kids,
277
00:11:45,381 --> 00:11:47,181
Put on your thinking hats.
278
00:11:47,183 --> 00:11:49,417
Ay, yo, I thought
we couldn't wear hats
279
00:11:49,419 --> 00:11:51,586
In the classroom.
280
00:11:53,555 --> 00:11:55,256
I'm going to ignore that,
because if I don't,
281
00:11:55,258 --> 00:11:57,358
I will weep.
282
00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,361
"in 1775, paul revere
warned which two men
283
00:12:00,363 --> 00:12:03,598
That the british were coming
to arrest them?"
284
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,466
In the beastie boys song
paul revere,
285
00:12:05,468 --> 00:12:07,869
He had a horsie
and a quart of beer.
286
00:12:07,871 --> 00:12:10,972
Sam adams is a beer,
and if you have too much,
287
00:12:10,974 --> 00:12:13,207
You end up giving a john
a hancock.
288
00:12:13,209 --> 00:12:15,276
Sam adams and john hancock!
289
00:12:19,047 --> 00:12:20,581
I wasn't this nervous
when I waited for the results
290
00:12:20,583 --> 00:12:23,551
Of a hep c test.
291
00:12:23,553 --> 00:12:26,454
Then again, I didn't study
for that one at all.
292
00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:29,824
Ay, yo,
I think I nailed it.
293
00:12:29,826 --> 00:12:32,660
You failed, hector.
294
00:12:32,662 --> 00:12:33,828
For real?
295
00:12:33,830 --> 00:12:35,630
For really real.
296
00:12:35,632 --> 00:12:36,664
You even got the answer wrong
297
00:12:36,666 --> 00:12:39,167
That max so graciously said
out loud.
298
00:12:41,003 --> 00:12:42,603
Aw, that's cool, mr. Huck.
299
00:12:42,605 --> 00:12:43,604
Next time, right?
300
00:12:43,606 --> 00:12:44,472
[both chuckle]
301
00:12:44,474 --> 00:12:45,673
Sure.
302
00:12:47,843 --> 00:12:52,180
Max, I'm sorry
to tell you that...
303
00:12:53,448 --> 00:12:55,316
I was wrong to doubt you.
304
00:12:55,318 --> 00:12:56,417
You got a "b."
305
00:12:56,419 --> 00:12:57,652
You passed.
306
00:12:57,654 --> 00:13:00,087
You lying son of a bitch.
307
00:13:00,089 --> 00:13:01,155
[laughs]
308
00:13:02,090 --> 00:13:03,357
It's true, max.
309
00:13:03,359 --> 00:13:04,859
In fact,
I went over it three times
310
00:13:04,861 --> 00:13:06,727
To make sure I wasn't insane.
311
00:13:08,297 --> 00:13:09,997
Whatever that friend of yours
there did to help you,
312
00:13:09,999 --> 00:13:11,966
It really worked.
313
00:13:11,968 --> 00:13:13,601
I'm sorry,
314
00:13:13,603 --> 00:13:15,002
But I can't stand
out there any longer.
315
00:13:15,004 --> 00:13:16,337
I've caused a small pandemic
316
00:13:16,339 --> 00:13:18,940
Of erections in freshman boys.
317
00:13:18,942 --> 00:13:20,208
I passed!
I got a "b"!
318
00:13:20,210 --> 00:13:21,342
[gasps, squeals]
319
00:13:21,344 --> 00:13:23,277
Now my grade matches
your boobs!
320
00:13:24,513 --> 00:13:25,813
I'm getting that stupid diploma
321
00:13:25,815 --> 00:13:28,049
I said I didn't care about.
322
00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:33,321
You can do more
than get that diploma, max.
323
00:13:33,323 --> 00:13:35,356
Graduation is tomorrow,
and if you stay overnight,
324
00:13:35,358 --> 00:13:36,958
You can walk with the class
in the morning.
325
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:40,661
Uh, yes.
326
00:13:40,663 --> 00:13:43,331
You want to go
to graduation?
327
00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:45,633
That's so me of you.
328
00:13:45,635 --> 00:13:47,969
Well, I busted my "a"
to get that "b,"
329
00:13:47,971 --> 00:13:49,637
And I want to get
the whole package.
330
00:13:49,639 --> 00:13:51,372
That's great.
331
00:13:51,374 --> 00:13:53,040
Well, we'll see you tomorrow
at 10:00 a.M.
332
00:13:53,042 --> 00:13:54,809
And, hector, we'll see you
in front of the ampm
333
00:13:54,811 --> 00:13:56,410
Asking strangers
to buy you beer?
334
00:14:04,653 --> 00:14:07,021
I call the bed.
You can have the table.
335
00:14:07,023 --> 00:14:09,590
Max, that bed is so tiny,
we're gonna have to spoon.
336
00:14:09,592 --> 00:14:11,559
The only spoon
that's ever been in this room
337
00:14:11,561 --> 00:14:13,895
Was hovering over a flame.
338
00:14:13,897 --> 00:14:16,097
Well, it's cute.
339
00:14:16,099 --> 00:14:19,367
I'm not vaccinated
for anything in here, but...
340
00:14:19,369 --> 00:14:21,235
It's cute.
341
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:27,909
And safe.
342
00:14:27,911 --> 00:14:29,243
Yeah, they have cable,
343
00:14:29,245 --> 00:14:30,845
And you can rent rooms
by the hour,
344
00:14:30,847 --> 00:14:32,747
So I used to come here
to watch sex and the city
345
00:14:32,749 --> 00:14:35,383
With a prostitute
named tiny marge.
346
00:14:35,385 --> 00:14:37,084
She'd bring me banana bread
and hang out.
347
00:14:37,086 --> 00:14:39,020
It was fun.
348
00:14:39,022 --> 00:14:40,354
Oh, great.
349
00:14:40,356 --> 00:14:42,390
There's no coffeemaker.
350
00:14:42,392 --> 00:14:44,792
[sighs]
351
00:14:44,794 --> 00:14:48,262
Never mind,
found it.
352
00:14:48,264 --> 00:14:50,765
Your mom wasn't worried
when you'd come down here?
353
00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:52,433
No.
354
00:14:52,435 --> 00:14:53,634
She was a little jealous
that I was hanging out
355
00:14:53,636 --> 00:14:55,369
With tiny marge without her,
but...
356
00:14:55,371 --> 00:14:59,307
The only thing my mom
ever worried about was herself.
357
00:14:59,309 --> 00:15:02,243
She's selfish.
358
00:15:02,245 --> 00:15:06,113
She missed my birth
'cause she "had a thing."
359
00:15:06,115 --> 00:15:08,416
Come on,
she can't be that bad.
360
00:15:08,418 --> 00:15:11,452
Turns out, you're not that big
of a high school dropout,
361
00:15:11,454 --> 00:15:13,254
And she's probably not
that big of a monster.
362
00:15:13,256 --> 00:15:15,589
I mean, she raised you alone,
and you didn't die.
363
00:15:15,591 --> 00:15:17,458
I did actually, twice.
364
00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:20,094
But in fairness to her,
she wasn't there either time.
365
00:15:20,096 --> 00:15:22,930
Max, why don't you invite her
to your graduation?
366
00:15:22,932 --> 00:15:24,598
And don't say
you don't have her number.
367
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:28,436
I know it's in your phone
under "lady I came out of."
368
00:15:28,438 --> 00:15:31,739
I also know I'm in your phone
as "fart monster."
369
00:15:31,741 --> 00:15:34,508
That's because I know, like,
three carolines.
370
00:15:34,510 --> 00:15:35,509
No, you don't.
371
00:15:35,511 --> 00:15:36,811
Busted.
372
00:15:36,813 --> 00:15:38,145
Here, I'll dial,
373
00:15:38,147 --> 00:15:39,613
You just leave the message.
374
00:15:39,615 --> 00:15:41,248
Here.
No!
375
00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:42,950
Max!
Fart monster!
376
00:15:42,952 --> 00:15:43,951
Just do it.
377
00:15:43,953 --> 00:15:45,086
You'll be so happy
378
00:15:45,088 --> 00:15:46,454
When you see her there
tomorrow.
379
00:15:46,456 --> 00:15:47,989
If we live through the night.
380
00:15:49,458 --> 00:15:51,025
Hey, it's me, max.
381
00:15:51,027 --> 00:15:53,627
Brown hair,
lived in you for 7 1/2 months
382
00:15:53,629 --> 00:15:55,463
Due to your inability
to read the warnings
383
00:15:55,465 --> 00:15:57,164
On the side of cigarettes.
384
00:15:57,166 --> 00:15:59,800
Listen, I'm graduating
from high school tomorrow,
385
00:15:59,802 --> 00:16:02,603
So if you're not busy looking
for pills under the stove
386
00:16:02,605 --> 00:16:04,372
Or selling the neighbor's cat
for beer money,
387
00:16:04,374 --> 00:16:05,373
Why don't you come?
388
00:16:05,375 --> 00:16:06,807
Max!
389
00:16:06,809 --> 00:16:08,809
What?
That was a first draft.
390
00:16:08,811 --> 00:16:12,213
Hit three, delete,
rerecord.
391
00:16:12,215 --> 00:16:13,948
Hey, it's me, max.
392
00:16:13,950 --> 00:16:16,550
Look, I'm getting my degree
tomorrow at the high school.
393
00:16:16,552 --> 00:16:18,853
You know, that's the building
between the bar you drink at
394
00:16:18,855 --> 00:16:20,821
And the bar you dance at,
so...
395
00:16:20,823 --> 00:16:23,724
Hit three, delete,
rerecord.
396
00:16:23,726 --> 00:16:25,359
Hey, it's max.
397
00:16:25,361 --> 00:16:27,361
I'm graduating
from high school tomorrow.
398
00:16:27,363 --> 00:16:29,230
If you can make it,
it starts at 10:00.
399
00:16:29,232 --> 00:16:30,631
Okay, bye.
400
00:16:30,633 --> 00:16:32,733
See, that wasn't hard.
401
00:16:32,735 --> 00:16:36,270
This duvet is,
but that wasn't.
402
00:16:40,842 --> 00:16:42,543
How come they only give you
one of these?
403
00:16:45,247 --> 00:16:46,814
Okay, max, maybe don't say
anything else,
404
00:16:46,816 --> 00:16:48,983
Or they'll take
your diploma back.
405
00:16:48,985 --> 00:16:51,085
Okay, graduates,
it's time.
406
00:16:51,087 --> 00:16:52,486
Everyone line up
alphabetically,
407
00:16:52,488 --> 00:16:54,355
And let's
make our way.
408
00:16:54,357 --> 00:16:57,358
Oh, and congratulations.
409
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:58,426
You did it.
410
00:17:01,363 --> 00:17:03,931
Max, you look so smart
in that robe.
411
00:17:03,933 --> 00:17:05,332
I'm not that smart.
412
00:17:05,334 --> 00:17:06,534
I just found out
you're supposed to
413
00:17:06,536 --> 00:17:07,935
Wear clothes
under this thing.
414
00:17:11,373 --> 00:17:12,573
Max, I never asked you.
415
00:17:12,575 --> 00:17:14,508
You were so close
to getting your diploma.
416
00:17:14,510 --> 00:17:15,576
Why didn't you take
that test?
417
00:17:15,578 --> 00:17:17,578
I was going to, but my mother
418
00:17:17,580 --> 00:17:19,747
Kept me out of school that day
to go to the mall.
419
00:17:19,749 --> 00:17:22,116
On finals day?
420
00:17:22,118 --> 00:17:23,584
Was there at least
a special appearance
421
00:17:23,586 --> 00:17:24,985
By raven-symone?
422
00:17:26,888 --> 00:17:29,757
No one good ever came here.
423
00:17:29,759 --> 00:17:32,793
Just like my mother
didn't come here today.
424
00:17:32,795 --> 00:17:34,595
There's still time.
Maybe she'll come.
425
00:17:34,597 --> 00:17:35,796
Maybe.
426
00:17:35,798 --> 00:17:37,131
I mean, my dad was late
427
00:17:37,133 --> 00:17:38,699
To my graduation
because his helicopter
428
00:17:38,701 --> 00:17:40,034
Needed to refuel.
429
00:17:41,403 --> 00:17:44,572
Yeah, that's probably
what happened to my mom.
430
00:17:44,574 --> 00:17:48,109
But her helicopter's probably
passed out on top of her.
431
00:17:51,546 --> 00:17:54,248
I have never been
more confident,
432
00:17:54,250 --> 00:17:56,784
Because as I stand here
and look out
433
00:17:56,786 --> 00:17:58,619
At all of you today...
434
00:17:58,621 --> 00:18:01,288
I was my class valedictorian.
435
00:18:01,290 --> 00:18:03,791
I realize nobody can stop us.
436
00:18:03,793 --> 00:18:06,927
Mm-hmm, yeah,
I thought that too.
437
00:18:06,929 --> 00:18:10,064
We are the future.
438
00:18:10,066 --> 00:18:11,899
Mm-hmm, sure we are,
until you have to pee on a bus
439
00:18:11,901 --> 00:18:13,300
In ten years.
440
00:18:15,670 --> 00:18:16,937
[mouthing words]
441
00:18:16,939 --> 00:18:19,240
[mouthing words]
442
00:18:19,242 --> 00:18:21,308
(mr. Huck)
thank you, amy.
443
00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:23,077
It's hard to imagine
not hearing that voice
444
00:18:23,079 --> 00:18:26,247
Every day
for the next four years.
445
00:18:26,249 --> 00:18:28,582
[nasal, perky voice]
thank you.
446
00:18:33,588 --> 00:18:37,091
Hi, mrs.--Ms.--
Max's mom.
447
00:18:37,093 --> 00:18:39,026
This is caroline channing,
your daughter max's
448
00:18:39,028 --> 00:18:42,329
Best friend and roommate
and business partner.
449
00:18:42,331 --> 00:18:44,031
I didn't want to leave this
on a voice mail,
450
00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:46,467
But I cannot believe
you didn't show up
451
00:18:46,469 --> 00:18:47,635
To your own daughter's
graduation
452
00:18:47,637 --> 00:18:49,270
When you are the sole reason
453
00:18:49,272 --> 00:18:50,871
She didn't graduate
in the first place.
454
00:18:50,873 --> 00:18:53,607
I mean, who takes their daughter
to the mall on finals day?
455
00:18:53,609 --> 00:18:55,342
What kind of mother are you?
456
00:18:55,344 --> 00:18:57,444
And all the times
I've defended you to max--
457
00:18:57,446 --> 00:19:00,047
Not to make it about me,
but it was a lot--
458
00:19:00,049 --> 00:19:02,216
Saying, "she's not that bad.
She's not that bad."
459
00:19:02,218 --> 00:19:04,552
Well, I guess you are that bad.
Max is right.
460
00:19:04,554 --> 00:19:06,854
You are a monster.
461
00:19:06,856 --> 00:19:08,622
If you're on your way,
we're in the second row.
462
00:19:08,624 --> 00:19:10,658
I have blonde hair.
463
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:15,229
[pomp and circumstance playing]
464
00:19:15,231 --> 00:19:18,299
[cheers and applause]
465
00:19:18,301 --> 00:19:20,234
Christina bayers.
466
00:19:20,236 --> 00:19:22,570
Whoo,
that's my granddaughter!
467
00:19:22,572 --> 00:19:28,976
♪
468
00:19:28,978 --> 00:19:31,645
Salazar belmonte.
469
00:19:31,647 --> 00:19:33,714
[cheers and applause]
470
00:19:33,716 --> 00:19:35,583
That's my boy!
471
00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:38,285
Max black.
472
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,454
[mouthing words]
473
00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:44,692
Max black.
474
00:19:44,694 --> 00:19:47,695
[scattered applause]
475
00:19:47,697 --> 00:19:52,666
♪
476
00:19:52,668 --> 00:19:54,068
(sophie)
whoo-whoo!
477
00:19:54,070 --> 00:19:56,103
That's my downstairs neighbor!
478
00:19:56,105 --> 00:19:59,907
Whoo-whoo!
Yeah!
479
00:19:59,909 --> 00:20:07,982
♪
480
00:20:09,684 --> 00:20:11,552
So what,
you called them all?
481
00:20:11,554 --> 00:20:14,221
Yeah, you know,
just in case.
482
00:20:14,223 --> 00:20:15,756
Max, you were right,
and I was wrong.
483
00:20:15,758 --> 00:20:17,625
Your mother's really
as bad as you said.
484
00:20:17,627 --> 00:20:19,860
Mm, oh, it's not that bad.
485
00:20:19,862 --> 00:20:21,095
What do you mean?
486
00:20:21,097 --> 00:20:22,730
She took you to the mall
on finals day.
487
00:20:22,732 --> 00:20:24,565
Yeah, but it was
the greatest day
488
00:20:24,567 --> 00:20:25,633
We ever had.
489
00:20:25,635 --> 00:20:27,301
We got ice cream,
490
00:20:27,303 --> 00:20:29,637
We ate it in the massage chairs
at brookstone,
491
00:20:29,639 --> 00:20:31,038
And then a kid
fell in the fountain,
492
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,040
And we died laughing.
493
00:20:33,042 --> 00:20:35,109
Well, I guess you can graduate
high school any day,
494
00:20:35,111 --> 00:20:38,712
But you can only watch a kid
almost drown in a fountain once.
495
00:20:38,714 --> 00:20:42,116
It is okay that she wasn't there
today, because you were.
496
00:20:42,118 --> 00:20:43,751
And none of this
would have been possible
497
00:20:43,753 --> 00:20:45,386
If you hadn't pushed me.
498
00:20:45,388 --> 00:20:47,554
And that kid wouldn't have
almost drowned
499
00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:48,689
If I hadn't pushed him.
500
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:51,592
Little different.
501
00:20:51,594 --> 00:20:54,595
Bottom line,
you had faith in me
502
00:20:54,597 --> 00:20:57,331
Like thomas jefferson
had faith in lewis and clark.
503
00:20:58,466 --> 00:21:00,834
Oh, no.
504
00:21:00,836 --> 00:21:03,637
Now you're both nerds!