1
00:00:01,511 --> 00:00:04,713
I called this staff meeting
because lately,
2
00:00:04,715 --> 00:00:07,816
I've noticed our diner family
is drifting apart.
3
00:00:07,818 --> 00:00:09,418
Good work, everybody.
Good work.
4
00:00:09,420 --> 00:00:11,186
Yeah!
5
00:00:11,188 --> 00:00:13,021
Let's start off this powwow
6
00:00:13,023 --> 00:00:15,424
By sharing our highs and lows
of the week.
7
00:00:15,426 --> 00:00:16,992
My high was getting
8
00:00:16,994 --> 00:00:19,661
A particularly interesting
snapple fact.
9
00:00:19,663 --> 00:00:20,996
And my low was--
10
00:00:20,998 --> 00:00:22,564
Your entire body?
11
00:00:23,866 --> 00:00:26,601
I'll go.
My high was finding a barrette
12
00:00:26,603 --> 00:00:28,403
In the bathroom,
and my low
13
00:00:28,405 --> 00:00:31,673
Was imagining my new life
without it.
14
00:00:31,675 --> 00:00:33,075
Max, your high?
15
00:00:33,077 --> 00:00:35,577
I certainly am.
16
00:00:35,579 --> 00:00:38,547
And my low will be
when it wears off.
17
00:00:38,549 --> 00:00:40,749
Well, my high was catching
a glimpse
18
00:00:40,751 --> 00:00:42,751
Of a customer's lacy g-string,
19
00:00:42,753 --> 00:00:46,254
And my low
was seeing his junk.
20
00:00:46,256 --> 00:00:50,025
My low is this meeting.
21
00:00:50,027 --> 00:00:52,794
And my high
is when it wraps up.
22
00:00:52,796 --> 00:00:56,531
Can everybody
take this serious--
23
00:00:56,533 --> 00:00:59,734
[high-pitched]
I have a new low.
24
00:00:59,736 --> 00:01:02,437
I have a new high.
25
00:01:02,439 --> 00:01:04,206
Me too.
26
00:01:04,208 --> 00:01:05,474
Everybody, please.
27
00:01:05,476 --> 00:01:08,110
Han just clearly injured
his vagina.
28
00:01:09,779 --> 00:01:11,980
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
29
00:01:11,982 --> 00:01:13,615
[cash register bell dings]
30
00:01:13,617 --> 00:01:18,854
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
31
00:01:22,558 --> 00:01:26,328
[phone rings]
32
00:01:26,330 --> 00:01:30,599
[ringing continues]
33
00:01:30,601 --> 00:01:32,200
That's not my phone.
34
00:01:32,202 --> 00:01:33,969
My ringtone is let it go,
and you know that
35
00:01:33,971 --> 00:01:36,605
'cause you threaten to beat me
every time it rings.
36
00:01:36,607 --> 00:01:37,873
Well, it's not mine.
37
00:01:37,875 --> 00:01:39,274
I keep my phone on vibrate
38
00:01:39,276 --> 00:01:41,109
Out of respect
for those around me,
39
00:01:41,111 --> 00:01:43,345
And also for little orgasms.
40
00:01:43,347 --> 00:01:44,813
[ringing continues]
41
00:01:44,815 --> 00:01:47,048
Max, it's the landline.
42
00:01:47,050 --> 00:01:48,150
Oh, god!
43
00:01:48,152 --> 00:01:49,351
Why is it ringing?
44
00:01:49,353 --> 00:01:50,852
You said that phone
only rings
45
00:01:50,854 --> 00:01:52,521
If we're in trouble
or if it's you
46
00:01:52,523 --> 00:01:54,789
Calling from the future
to tell us we're in trouble.
47
00:01:54,791 --> 00:01:57,025
[ringing continues]
48
00:01:59,228 --> 00:02:01,530
Ruh-roh.
49
00:02:01,532 --> 00:02:03,632
That's gotta be the landlord.
The lease is up.
50
00:02:03,634 --> 00:02:05,600
Fine, we'll just renew it,
even though I thought
51
00:02:05,602 --> 00:02:07,302
They would have condemned
this place by now.
52
00:02:07,304 --> 00:02:09,871
I mean, I did find a used condom
in the hallway yesterday.
53
00:02:09,873 --> 00:02:11,106
[phone rings]
54
00:02:11,108 --> 00:02:12,407
Hello?
No!
55
00:02:12,409 --> 00:02:14,276
Hang up.
We're not on the lease.
56
00:02:14,278 --> 00:02:18,980
[speaks japanese]
57
00:02:18,982 --> 00:02:21,049
Good cover.
Now we just have to hope
58
00:02:21,051 --> 00:02:23,952
The original tenant
is a benihana chef.
59
00:02:23,954 --> 00:02:25,220
Okay.
60
00:02:25,222 --> 00:02:26,888
We don't have much time.
Quick!
61
00:02:26,890 --> 00:02:29,691
Grab two things you love.
62
00:02:35,131 --> 00:02:37,832
I-I love nothing in here!
63
00:02:37,834 --> 00:02:40,468
And why are we even trying
to keep an apartment
64
00:02:40,470 --> 00:02:43,238
That has grass growing
in the bathroom?
65
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,974
I love our toilet lawn.
66
00:02:45,976 --> 00:02:47,409
It's gross.
67
00:02:47,411 --> 00:02:48,810
Max, look at this place.
68
00:02:48,812 --> 00:02:52,013
Our refrigerator door
is held on by scotch tape,
69
00:02:52,015 --> 00:02:53,815
And, I mean,
there is black mold in there.
70
00:02:53,817 --> 00:02:55,784
At least the black mold
made the other mold
71
00:02:55,786 --> 00:02:58,186
Move out of the neighborhood.
72
00:02:58,188 --> 00:02:59,387
Come on!
73
00:02:59,389 --> 00:03:00,989
Someone from
the real estate company
74
00:03:00,991 --> 00:03:02,324
Is probably on their way over
to make sure
75
00:03:02,326 --> 00:03:03,925
The original tenant
still lives here.
76
00:03:03,927 --> 00:03:05,994
[phone rings]
77
00:03:05,996 --> 00:03:07,929
All right, let's ride!
78
00:03:07,931 --> 00:03:09,831
I know a guy that can drop off
some fake passports
79
00:03:09,833 --> 00:03:11,366
For us in an airport locker.
80
00:03:11,368 --> 00:03:13,902
Well, you know him too.
It's oleg.
81
00:03:13,904 --> 00:03:15,103
Hey!
82
00:03:15,105 --> 00:03:17,739
Pick up that phone already!
83
00:03:17,741 --> 00:03:21,276
Sounds like a damn
pbs fund-raiser down here.
84
00:03:21,278 --> 00:03:23,612
Sophie,
it's the landlord calling.
85
00:03:23,614 --> 00:03:26,014
I just found out we've been
subletting illegally.
86
00:03:26,016 --> 00:03:27,849
Oh, well, I always wondered
how you girls
87
00:03:27,851 --> 00:03:30,118
Could afford to live
in this building.
88
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:33,955
And I ruled out prostitution
once I saw caroline dance.
89
00:03:39,795 --> 00:03:41,229
Good news.
90
00:03:41,231 --> 00:03:42,464
I dug around the apartment
91
00:03:42,466 --> 00:03:43,932
And I found the original lease.
92
00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:46,067
Also found a copy
of my birth certificate.
93
00:03:46,069 --> 00:03:50,438
Turns out my father's name
is "mother has no idea."
94
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,240
Forget that lease.
95
00:03:52,242 --> 00:03:53,908
I've already found
a new place for us.
96
00:03:53,910 --> 00:03:58,413
A two-bedroom for $1,300
in manhattan.
97
00:03:58,415 --> 00:04:01,716
Oh...
Manhattan, kansas.
98
00:04:01,718 --> 00:04:03,652
We can't afford
to lose this lease.
99
00:04:03,654 --> 00:04:06,187
As soon as they find out this
lester donovan
100
00:04:06,189 --> 00:04:08,390
Is no longer living there,
the rent will get higher
101
00:04:08,392 --> 00:04:11,559
Than justin bieber on a plane
with his dad.
102
00:04:14,430 --> 00:04:16,731
So I tracked down this original
tenant guy, lester.
103
00:04:16,733 --> 00:04:18,333
He's still alive.
104
00:04:18,335 --> 00:04:20,702
Ugh!
Can't catch a break.
105
00:04:20,704 --> 00:04:23,438
He's at a rest home
in sheepshead bay.
106
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,707
We just have to go there
and kidnap him.
107
00:04:25,709 --> 00:04:30,111
We'll tie some cream of wheat
to a pole and lure him out.
108
00:04:30,113 --> 00:04:32,013
First of all,
in what world
109
00:04:32,015 --> 00:04:34,916
Do we have cream of wheat
pole money?
110
00:04:34,918 --> 00:04:37,986
And secondly, I am not gonna go
shake down some old man.
111
00:04:37,988 --> 00:04:39,220
You won't have to.
112
00:04:39,222 --> 00:04:41,656
He's probably already shaking.
113
00:04:41,658 --> 00:04:44,426
If you're looking,
I know a place.
114
00:04:44,428 --> 00:04:46,194
You share a twin bed
with two other girls.
115
00:04:46,196 --> 00:04:47,729
Oh, and there are cameras.
116
00:04:47,731 --> 00:04:49,731
But you're paid
$4.99 a minute
117
00:04:49,733 --> 00:04:52,267
And get to meet all the singles
in your area.
118
00:04:52,269 --> 00:04:55,670
Are you one of the singles
in the area?
119
00:04:55,672 --> 00:05:01,476
Technically I'd be your costar.
120
00:05:01,478 --> 00:05:04,979
Like it or not, we have to
hold on to our apartment.
121
00:05:04,981 --> 00:05:08,350
Max is right--there are two
things in life you cannot lose.
122
00:05:08,352 --> 00:05:11,820
A rent-controlled apartment
and bladder control.
123
00:05:13,823 --> 00:05:15,824
Actually, there's an apartment
in my building
124
00:05:15,826 --> 00:05:17,292
That just became available.
125
00:05:17,294 --> 00:05:19,194
Stop by tomorrow.
You can see it.
126
00:05:23,999 --> 00:05:26,434
This place is $1,200?
127
00:05:26,436 --> 00:05:30,038
$1,250. It just went up
since we been talking.
128
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:31,840
We can't fit in here.
129
00:05:31,842 --> 00:05:33,208
I'm not talking about
me and you.
130
00:05:33,210 --> 00:05:34,676
I'm talking about
me and my boobs.
131
00:05:38,614 --> 00:05:40,148
Nice retirement home.
132
00:05:40,150 --> 00:05:41,583
Why don't we just
live here?
133
00:05:41,585 --> 00:05:44,786
Bingo tournaments,
unlimited hard candy,
134
00:05:44,788 --> 00:05:47,722
And you get to crap
your pants!
135
00:05:50,092 --> 00:05:52,093
Lester?
136
00:05:52,095 --> 00:05:53,695
That must be him.
137
00:05:53,697 --> 00:05:56,431
I don't know who I am anymore,
but that must be him.
138
00:05:57,533 --> 00:05:59,200
Hi, mr. Donovan.
139
00:05:59,202 --> 00:06:00,702
Lester?
140
00:06:00,704 --> 00:06:02,771
Max, is he dead?
141
00:06:02,773 --> 00:06:05,774
No, he's alive, but just...
142
00:06:05,776 --> 00:06:07,375
This is so sad.
143
00:06:07,377 --> 00:06:09,544
Look at how we treat
our elderly.
144
00:06:09,546 --> 00:06:11,579
Wake up!
145
00:06:11,581 --> 00:06:15,583
I-I-I need you
to wake up for this!
146
00:06:15,585 --> 00:06:19,120
We are currently subletting
your old apartment,
147
00:06:19,122 --> 00:06:20,622
And we need you to pretend
148
00:06:20,624 --> 00:06:22,891
You still live there
for a day.
149
00:06:22,893 --> 00:06:26,227
Or just to pretend
you still live.
150
00:06:26,229 --> 00:06:28,196
Ladies, you're wasting
your time.
151
00:06:28,198 --> 00:06:30,231
He can't speak,
and he doesn't like girls.
152
00:06:30,233 --> 00:06:32,667
He's a vegetable
and a fruit.
153
00:06:34,370 --> 00:06:35,804
Lester donovan.
154
00:06:35,806 --> 00:06:38,239
Oh, you're lester!
Oh, thank god.
155
00:06:38,241 --> 00:06:39,641
Listen, lester,
we need you--
156
00:06:39,643 --> 00:06:41,443
I know, I know.
You want me to pretend
157
00:06:41,445 --> 00:06:43,378
I still live in your apartment.
I overheard everything.
158
00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:46,548
We're not all comatose, darling.
159
00:06:46,550 --> 00:06:49,484
But I'm afraid--ahem--
it's not gonna happen, girls.
160
00:06:49,486 --> 00:06:51,152
'cause I got a big week.
161
00:06:51,154 --> 00:06:53,087
My special lady
is moving in with me.
162
00:06:53,089 --> 00:06:54,622
Heh heh.
'cause this guy's
163
00:06:54,624 --> 00:06:56,224
Not gonna be around
much longer.
164
00:06:56,226 --> 00:06:59,461
18 hours...Tops!
165
00:07:00,663 --> 00:07:02,363
Oh! Here's my princess.
166
00:07:02,365 --> 00:07:03,631
Olivia!
167
00:07:03,633 --> 00:07:05,967
Oh...
168
00:07:05,969 --> 00:07:07,335
He's still with us.
169
00:07:07,337 --> 00:07:09,304
God bless.
170
00:07:09,306 --> 00:07:11,339
So we'll have to push
the move to Monday.
171
00:07:11,341 --> 00:07:13,975
Yeah...
About that, lester.
172
00:07:13,977 --> 00:07:16,644
I'm not ready
to move in with you.
173
00:07:16,646 --> 00:07:19,180
Olivia,
wh--what do you mean?
174
00:07:19,182 --> 00:07:22,550
Max, we should go.
No way!
This is like watching
175
00:07:22,552 --> 00:07:24,819
An elder version of
the bachelor!
176
00:07:24,821 --> 00:07:28,056
Literally...
The final rose!
177
00:07:29,425 --> 00:07:31,726
Lester, it's not you.
It's me.
178
00:07:31,728 --> 00:07:34,195
That's still in play
at their age?
179
00:07:34,197 --> 00:07:37,165
I'm just not ready
to settle down.
180
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:40,335
Too many other fish
in the sea.
181
00:07:40,337 --> 00:07:42,504
I know--it's about
that new kid on the block,
182
00:07:42,506 --> 00:07:45,373
Morty what's-his-name.
It's about morty, isn't it?
183
00:07:45,375 --> 00:07:46,841
Lester, please.
184
00:07:46,843 --> 00:07:48,610
I don't want it
to be weird
185
00:07:48,612 --> 00:07:51,679
When we see each other
at bingo.
186
00:07:51,681 --> 00:07:53,414
You should know this
about morty--
187
00:07:53,416 --> 00:07:55,517
He's not a real man
like me.
188
00:07:55,519 --> 00:07:58,486
His middle name
is viagra!
189
00:07:58,488 --> 00:08:00,522
Olivia!
190
00:08:05,461 --> 00:08:07,362
Well, there's no point
hanging around here.
191
00:08:07,364 --> 00:08:10,198
I'll just grab my penis pump,
and we're outta here.
192
00:08:12,001 --> 00:08:15,103
Why is he gonna need that?
193
00:08:19,341 --> 00:08:20,775
Here we are, "home, sweet...
194
00:08:20,777 --> 00:08:23,845
At least it's not
a rest home."
195
00:08:23,847 --> 00:08:27,482
Lester, not that I minded
pushing you 35 blocks, but...
196
00:08:27,484 --> 00:08:29,350
You could walk at the home.
197
00:08:29,352 --> 00:08:31,119
Why can't you walk now?
198
00:08:31,121 --> 00:08:34,188
I'm too depressed to walk.
199
00:08:34,190 --> 00:08:35,623
I've been depressed
since I learned to walk.
200
00:08:35,625 --> 00:08:38,393
I mean, I was nine.
It was time.
201
00:08:38,395 --> 00:08:41,462
I have just lost
the love of my life!
202
00:08:41,464 --> 00:08:43,798
Have you ever made love
to a lady with no teeth
203
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,034
And two plastic hips?
204
00:08:46,036 --> 00:08:47,969
I, for one, have not.
205
00:08:47,971 --> 00:08:49,571
Max?
206
00:08:49,573 --> 00:08:53,975
No. But it just rocketed
to number one on my bucket list.
207
00:08:53,977 --> 00:08:58,112
I lived here
from 1954 to studio 54.
208
00:08:58,114 --> 00:09:01,382
Liza minnelli
threw up in that corner.
209
00:09:01,384 --> 00:09:03,084
The only time I ever saw
anybody
210
00:09:03,086 --> 00:09:05,920
Take three bows
after a vomit.
211
00:09:05,922 --> 00:09:08,222
Why did you leave?
212
00:09:08,224 --> 00:09:10,658
You always think you're gonna
find something better.
213
00:09:10,660 --> 00:09:14,095
Yep. The toilet grass
is always greener.
214
00:09:14,097 --> 00:09:15,563
[buzzer]
215
00:09:15,565 --> 00:09:17,365
Okay. That's the building
rep, lester.
216
00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:19,334
Do we need to go over
our cover story again?
217
00:09:19,336 --> 00:09:21,102
It's pretty easy.
218
00:09:21,104 --> 00:09:23,705
I'm carlotta spaghetta...
219
00:09:23,707 --> 00:09:26,174
Mild-mannered
pet trainer by day,
220
00:09:26,176 --> 00:09:28,943
Hot-tempered
nigerian spy by night.
221
00:09:28,945 --> 00:09:31,079
Lester,
only listen to me.
222
00:09:31,081 --> 00:09:32,547
Max is your granddaughter,
223
00:09:32,549 --> 00:09:34,282
And I'm her sober companion--
224
00:09:34,284 --> 00:09:36,584
Which is the only part
of our story that's true.
225
00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:38,353
[knocking]
226
00:09:38,355 --> 00:09:41,356
It's him--now, just sit
and smile and nod.
227
00:09:41,358 --> 00:09:43,625
I'll nod,
but I'm not gonna smile.
228
00:09:45,894 --> 00:09:48,196
Welcome
to my grandfather's
229
00:09:48,198 --> 00:09:50,465
Happy, happy home.
There's his couch.
230
00:09:50,467 --> 00:09:51,532
There's his kitchen.
231
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:52,734
What's this?
232
00:09:52,736 --> 00:09:55,503
There's his bong.
233
00:09:55,505 --> 00:09:57,071
His bong.
234
00:09:57,073 --> 00:09:59,741
Glaucoma.
Chemo.
235
00:09:59,743 --> 00:10:01,142
Well, good afternoon.
236
00:10:01,144 --> 00:10:02,610
I'm roger
from building management.
237
00:10:02,612 --> 00:10:03,845
I'm here to verify this lease,
238
00:10:03,847 --> 00:10:05,279
And I'd like to do it
239
00:10:05,281 --> 00:10:07,181
Before the rest of
this doorway caves in.
240
00:10:07,183 --> 00:10:09,117
And of course you know
my dear,
241
00:10:09,119 --> 00:10:10,918
Dear grandfather lester.
242
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,988
I just have a few questions,
mr. Donovan.
243
00:10:13,990 --> 00:10:15,523
Have you ever made love
to a woman
244
00:10:15,525 --> 00:10:17,759
With a silicone hip?
245
00:10:17,761 --> 00:10:20,395
[whispers]
it's amazing!
246
00:10:20,397 --> 00:10:23,965
Okay! I can cross
that one off my list.
247
00:10:23,967 --> 00:10:25,566
Hey, girls.
248
00:10:25,568 --> 00:10:27,201
I came through the back
249
00:10:27,203 --> 00:10:28,903
'cause this junkie's
on the front stoop,
250
00:10:28,905 --> 00:10:31,973
And it's still a little
awkward between us.
251
00:10:31,975 --> 00:10:34,208
[girls stammering]
252
00:10:34,210 --> 00:10:38,046
Oh, uh, this is sophie.
She lives upstairs.
253
00:10:38,048 --> 00:10:39,881
As you can see, roger,
no problems.
254
00:10:39,883 --> 00:10:42,150
Everything's
totally legit.
255
00:10:42,152 --> 00:10:44,852
Hey, who's the old guy?
256
00:10:44,854 --> 00:10:48,356
She lives upstairs,
and she doesn't know lester?
257
00:10:48,358 --> 00:10:52,160
She knows him--this is
just a sexual game they play
258
00:10:52,162 --> 00:10:55,063
Called "who are you?"
259
00:10:55,065 --> 00:10:57,565
That doesn't sound like
a sexual game.
260
00:10:57,567 --> 00:10:59,834
It is when she's
saying it to his penis.
261
00:11:02,337 --> 00:11:04,839
Sophie, this is the guy
from the agency
262
00:11:04,841 --> 00:11:06,307
Who just came by to verify
263
00:11:06,309 --> 00:11:08,743
That lester
actually lives here.
264
00:11:08,745 --> 00:11:10,778
Oh, yeah!
265
00:11:10,780 --> 00:11:13,014
He lives here every day!
266
00:11:13,016 --> 00:11:16,017
Yeah, and we play
that game forever.
267
00:11:16,019 --> 00:11:18,386
[shouting]
who are you?
268
00:11:19,788 --> 00:11:23,658
Come closer.
He can't hear you.
269
00:11:23,660 --> 00:11:25,793
I'm feeling better already.
270
00:11:25,795 --> 00:11:27,528
So the main takeaway here
271
00:11:27,530 --> 00:11:29,464
Is that they both live
in the building legally.
272
00:11:29,466 --> 00:11:31,299
Now, let's just
sign that lease.
273
00:11:31,301 --> 00:11:33,167
All right, mr. Donovan,
I just need your signature here,
274
00:11:33,169 --> 00:11:35,303
And this'll lock you into the
lease for another four years.
275
00:11:35,305 --> 00:11:37,338
What's your hip situation?
276
00:11:37,340 --> 00:11:40,108
Oh, I'm as hip as they come,
baby! Yeah!
277
00:11:42,044 --> 00:11:43,978
Now, that's a looker!
278
00:11:43,980 --> 00:11:46,314
Here ya go.
Yep! All done.
279
00:11:46,316 --> 00:11:49,050
You have the apartment
for another four years.
280
00:11:49,052 --> 00:11:50,451
Enjoy it?
281
00:11:52,221 --> 00:11:54,922
Oh, and I'm required to say:
Traces of cancerous stuff
282
00:11:54,924 --> 00:11:57,158
Have been found
in some of the apartments.
283
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,060
Have a nice day!
284
00:12:00,829 --> 00:12:02,230
[door closes]
285
00:12:02,232 --> 00:12:04,732
Four more years!
Four more years!
286
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:06,167
We get to
stay in the place
287
00:12:06,169 --> 00:12:07,769
I never thought
I'd want to stay in.
288
00:12:07,771 --> 00:12:09,570
Oh, lester, you're up.
Feeling better?
289
00:12:09,572 --> 00:12:11,472
Like a million bucks.
290
00:12:11,474 --> 00:12:14,008
I feel like my old self again.
291
00:12:14,010 --> 00:12:16,310
Oh, hey,
it's been 18 hours.
292
00:12:16,312 --> 00:12:18,246
Let's go see
if your friend's dead.
293
00:12:18,248 --> 00:12:20,114
Yeah, lester.
Let's get ya home.
294
00:12:20,116 --> 00:12:22,517
What are you talking about?
I am home.
295
00:12:22,519 --> 00:12:24,619
What do you mean?
This is our place.
296
00:12:24,621 --> 00:12:27,088
Not according to that lease
I just signed.
297
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:31,058
I'll be in my bedroom.
298
00:12:32,261 --> 00:12:33,928
Good to be home!
299
00:12:35,264 --> 00:12:37,265
Ruh-roh...
Ruh-roh.
300
00:12:41,870 --> 00:12:43,538
Ladies, this is delicious!
301
00:12:43,540 --> 00:12:46,774
You know, at the home
they keep salt on lockdown.
302
00:12:46,776 --> 00:12:51,345
Salt and the dementia patients.
303
00:12:51,347 --> 00:12:55,716
Well, it doesn't look like
bad grandpa's leaving tonight.
304
00:12:55,718 --> 00:12:57,318
Maybe I can help.
305
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,454
I can put some ground glass
in his salisbury steak.
306
00:13:00,456 --> 00:13:03,791
It's called
a ukrainian divorce.
307
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,395
Eh...I'll try
this jell-o first.
308
00:13:07,397 --> 00:13:09,430
Yeah, it's so old,
it might kill him.
309
00:13:10,866 --> 00:13:12,800
Lester, I brought you
some jell-o.
310
00:13:12,802 --> 00:13:14,502
Would you like some?
That's very nice of you,
311
00:13:14,504 --> 00:13:16,971
But I'm not going anywhere.
312
00:13:16,973 --> 00:13:20,408
Lester, really, you don't
want to live with us.
313
00:13:20,410 --> 00:13:22,310
Caroline sings so much
314
00:13:22,312 --> 00:13:24,579
She should have
animated birds on her.
315
00:13:24,581 --> 00:13:28,716
Look, there's no way I'm going
back to that retirement home.
316
00:13:28,718 --> 00:13:31,519
I feel alive for
the first time since...
317
00:13:31,521 --> 00:13:34,822
Since I died briefly
last year.
318
00:13:35,991 --> 00:13:37,391
Oh, my god, really?
319
00:13:37,393 --> 00:13:41,162
Yes, some nurse tripped
over the power cord.
320
00:13:41,164 --> 00:13:44,498
A-and besides, it's really
helping me get over olivia.
321
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:48,169
I'm finally realizing there are
plenty of other fish in the sea.
322
00:13:48,171 --> 00:13:51,672
Hey, everybody!
323
00:13:51,674 --> 00:13:55,576
And there's one of 'em.
[chuckles]
324
00:13:55,578 --> 00:13:58,412
She puts the "ass"
in "bass."
325
00:13:58,414 --> 00:14:01,315
Friend, I'll be
in my booth.
326
00:14:01,317 --> 00:14:05,186
Hey, sophie.
You remember lester.
327
00:14:05,188 --> 00:14:08,322
Lester, you remember
when they discovered fire.
328
00:14:08,324 --> 00:14:10,591
Please, please,
join me.
329
00:14:10,593 --> 00:14:12,260
May I buy you an egg cream?
330
00:14:12,262 --> 00:14:16,030
Oh, I do love
an egg cream.
331
00:14:16,032 --> 00:14:18,766
Oh, excuse me, I gotta go
powder by nose.
332
00:14:20,269 --> 00:14:21,936
Girls...
333
00:14:21,938 --> 00:14:24,005
Girls, I know you want
your apartment back
334
00:14:24,007 --> 00:14:25,673
And I'm a reasonable man,
335
00:14:25,675 --> 00:14:29,443
So all I want before I go is
a little you-know-what.
336
00:14:29,445 --> 00:14:31,979
More jell-o?
337
00:14:31,981 --> 00:14:35,216
I'm talking about sex.
Rebound sex!
338
00:14:35,218 --> 00:14:37,118
Rebound sex?
339
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:41,188
Are you sure you'll even be able
to rebound from having sex?
340
00:14:41,190 --> 00:14:42,790
Are you kidding?
341
00:14:42,792 --> 00:14:45,359
There's nothing but sex
at that retirement home.
342
00:14:45,361 --> 00:14:48,462
Why do you think
I put myself there?
343
00:14:48,464 --> 00:14:49,964
It's wall-to-wall whoopee,
344
00:14:49,966 --> 00:14:53,534
And you don't even have
to drive home after.
345
00:14:53,536 --> 00:14:57,605
Now, I have in mind
a certain elegant lady.
346
00:14:57,607 --> 00:15:02,710
Ahh, you're out of t.P.!
347
00:15:02,712 --> 00:15:05,112
You can set me up for
one night with your friend,
348
00:15:05,114 --> 00:15:07,214
And I will gladly leave
the apartment.
349
00:15:07,216 --> 00:15:09,550
[chuckles]
350
00:15:09,552 --> 00:15:12,553
I'll be in your booth.
351
00:15:12,555 --> 00:15:14,755
Hey, sophie, you'll get with
that old guy, right?
352
00:15:14,757 --> 00:15:18,225
Are you fricking kidding me?
353
00:15:21,396 --> 00:15:23,064
Lester, she didn't
go for it.
354
00:15:23,066 --> 00:15:24,765
I'm not going back
to that retirement home
355
00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:26,400
With my tail between my legs.
356
00:15:26,402 --> 00:15:29,570
I gotta sleep with someone
to make olivia jealous.
357
00:15:29,572 --> 00:15:34,075
There's a new thing that
kids are doing called "lying."
358
00:15:34,077 --> 00:15:35,609
Why don't you
just make something up?
359
00:15:35,611 --> 00:15:38,579
Pics
or it didn't happen.
360
00:15:38,581 --> 00:15:41,649
I need a selfie with
whoever I hook up with
361
00:15:41,651 --> 00:15:44,185
For my facebook page.
362
00:15:44,187 --> 00:15:46,754
And if it's not gonna be sophie,
363
00:15:46,756 --> 00:15:50,458
My guess, it's gonna be
one of you two up in bed...
364
00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:53,260
Slugger.
365
00:15:53,262 --> 00:15:56,097
Slugger.
366
00:15:56,099 --> 00:15:59,400
♪ take me out
to the ball game ♪
367
00:15:59,402 --> 00:16:01,469
♪ take me out
368
00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:06,674
Now I know
why liza threw up.
369
00:16:14,249 --> 00:16:15,683
Now I'm depressed.
370
00:16:15,685 --> 00:16:17,718
So you lost the straw pull
371
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,454
For who's gonna
sleep with lester.
372
00:16:20,456 --> 00:16:23,924
Look, you've been saying
you wanted to have sex
373
00:16:23,926 --> 00:16:26,994
And you've also been saying
you wanna go antiquing.
374
00:16:28,964 --> 00:16:33,134
So, behind that door
are both.
375
00:16:33,136 --> 00:16:36,103
And, max, I think you cheated
in that straw pull.
376
00:16:36,105 --> 00:16:37,905
Of course I cheated!
377
00:16:37,907 --> 00:16:40,307
Look, I have had
a lot of crazy sex.
378
00:16:40,309 --> 00:16:44,311
I once did it with
a clown at a funeral.
379
00:16:44,313 --> 00:16:46,881
But I cannot
see that penis pump.
380
00:16:46,883 --> 00:16:48,916
I won't be able to
come back from that.
381
00:16:48,918 --> 00:16:51,519
You think I can?
382
00:16:51,521 --> 00:16:56,824
I do, I think the science part
of your brain would enjoy it.
383
00:16:56,826 --> 00:17:00,327
Ladies, I've stretched.
384
00:17:00,329 --> 00:17:02,229
I'm ready.
385
00:17:03,799 --> 00:17:06,300
Fine, I'll take the bullet.
386
00:17:06,302 --> 00:17:10,871
I don't think there are
any bullets in that gun.
387
00:17:10,873 --> 00:17:13,040
Are you sure?
388
00:17:13,042 --> 00:17:17,044
'cause I don't wanna have
an old baby.
389
00:17:17,046 --> 00:17:18,546
This is ridiculous
390
00:17:18,548 --> 00:17:20,314
That we're even entertaining
the thought
391
00:17:20,316 --> 00:17:23,451
Of doing anything with
an old man that isn't a trump.
392
00:17:24,386 --> 00:17:26,187
Max, I can't do this.
393
00:17:26,189 --> 00:17:27,354
One of us will
just have to take
394
00:17:27,356 --> 00:17:28,456
That apartment
in earl's building
395
00:17:28,458 --> 00:17:31,559
And you will find
another place.
396
00:17:31,561 --> 00:17:33,828
But then we'd have to
live apart.
397
00:17:33,830 --> 00:17:36,597
I know, but I don't see
another choice.
398
00:17:36,599 --> 00:17:39,066
I'm not ready to live
without you.
399
00:17:39,068 --> 00:17:41,769
I'm not ready to live
without you.
400
00:17:43,238 --> 00:17:46,307
[screaming]
401
00:17:52,481 --> 00:17:56,117
[screaming]
402
00:17:56,119 --> 00:17:57,418
What?
403
00:17:57,420 --> 00:18:00,688
I saw the pump!
Pack your things!
404
00:18:00,690 --> 00:18:03,624
Max, I can't believe you were
almost willing to do that
405
00:18:03,626 --> 00:18:05,526
To live with me.
406
00:18:05,528 --> 00:18:09,029
You know what,
I'm going in.
407
00:18:09,031 --> 00:18:10,798
Because the thought of
not seeing you
408
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:14,168
24 hours a day, 7 days a week,
would kill me!
409
00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:21,175
We'll meet every Saturday
morning for coffee.
410
00:18:21,177 --> 00:18:24,512
Less and less over time,
of course.
411
00:18:24,514 --> 00:18:27,948
(lester)
that was a good start.
What else you got?
412
00:18:27,950 --> 00:18:30,017
(both)
nothing!
413
00:18:30,019 --> 00:18:34,955
Ah, I'm really liking
this whole back door thing.
414
00:18:34,957 --> 00:18:39,760
Wow, that's the first time
I've ever said that.
415
00:18:41,396 --> 00:18:42,997
Don't get used to it,
sophie.
416
00:18:42,999 --> 00:18:45,299
You never do.
417
00:18:45,301 --> 00:18:47,334
No, I mean, we're gonna
have to leave this place.
418
00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:49,136
We couldn't do it
with lester.
419
00:18:49,138 --> 00:18:51,906
I know,
that's why I'm here.
420
00:18:51,908 --> 00:18:54,208
You don't have to
do this for us.
421
00:18:54,210 --> 00:18:56,744
If you two didn't
live in this building,
422
00:18:56,746 --> 00:18:59,046
Then we'd drift apart
423
00:18:59,048 --> 00:19:02,149
And we'd only see each other
on saturdays for coffee.
424
00:19:02,151 --> 00:19:05,953
Well...
I'd probably only go once.
425
00:19:07,956 --> 00:19:10,424
Look, just give me 90 seconds.
426
00:19:10,426 --> 00:19:13,194
I mean, he's got a pump.
How hard could it be?
427
00:19:14,663 --> 00:19:16,430
She's amazing.
428
00:19:16,432 --> 00:19:18,299
We should probably get her
something for this.
429
00:19:18,301 --> 00:19:19,800
What would be appropriate?
430
00:19:19,802 --> 00:19:21,235
That good candle
under the sink?
431
00:19:21,237 --> 00:19:23,304
We've only used it once.
432
00:19:23,306 --> 00:19:26,140
That seems right.
[door clicking]
433
00:19:26,142 --> 00:19:31,245
I don't know what that was,
but I'm not up to it.
434
00:19:31,247 --> 00:19:34,081
I-I don't think my heart
could take it.
435
00:19:34,083 --> 00:19:36,150
Afraid sex with sophie
would kill you?
436
00:19:36,152 --> 00:19:38,485
Yeah, that's why I
haven't gone there.
437
00:19:38,487 --> 00:19:41,155
You know, I was all excited
about--about all the--
438
00:19:41,157 --> 00:19:42,489
All the other fish in the sea.
439
00:19:42,491 --> 00:19:46,193
[laughs]
that was a great white shark!
440
00:19:46,195 --> 00:19:48,662
Hey, come on!
441
00:19:48,664 --> 00:19:51,865
I just stretched.
I'm ready.
442
00:19:51,867 --> 00:19:53,968
Look, uh, could we get
a quick pic?
443
00:19:53,970 --> 00:19:57,037
I might've gone there, too,
if I knew he had an iphone 5s.
444
00:19:57,039 --> 00:19:59,807
Try to be as sexy as possible.
Oh, okay, yeah.
445
00:19:59,809 --> 00:20:04,111
[chuckles]
446
00:20:04,113 --> 00:20:08,182
When olivia sees that,
she's gonna say, "morty who?"
447
00:20:09,217 --> 00:20:12,386
Girls, enjoy your apartment.
448
00:20:12,388 --> 00:20:14,722
I had some
lovely times here.
449
00:20:14,724 --> 00:20:17,224
Thank you so much, lester.
Bye, grandpa.
450
00:20:17,226 --> 00:20:19,627
Maybe sometime we could
come visit you in the home.
451
00:20:19,629 --> 00:20:22,596
Email me.
We'll talk.
452
00:20:23,999 --> 00:20:26,367
That's still in play
at his age?
453
00:20:26,369 --> 00:20:29,403
Hey, thanks for the blue balls,
lester!
454
00:20:32,073 --> 00:20:34,642
Nighty-night, girls.
455
00:20:40,715 --> 00:20:43,417
Max, we get
to stay together!
456
00:20:43,419 --> 00:20:44,418
[gasps]
and even better,
457
00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:46,920
He left his wheelchair!
458
00:20:46,922 --> 00:20:50,858
Push me into the kitchen,
I wanna crack open a beer.
459
00:20:50,860 --> 00:20:53,327
I wonder if I'll be pushing you
like this when you're 70.
460
00:20:53,329 --> 00:20:56,297
You'll be pushing me
like this when I'm 30.
461
00:20:57,232 --> 00:20:58,666
[gasps]
462
00:20:58,668 --> 00:21:00,834
There's no place
like home.
463
00:21:00,836 --> 00:21:02,503
I'll go get
the scotch tape.