I called this staff meeting because lately,
I've noticed our diner family is drifting apart.
Good work, everybody. Good work.
Yeah!
Let's start off this powwow
By sharing our highs and lows of the week.
My high was getting
A particularly interesting snapple fact.
And my low was--
Your entire body?
I'll go. My high was finding a barrette
In the bathroom, and my low
Was imagining my new life without it.
Max, your high?
I certainly am.
And my low will be when it wears off.
Well, my high was catching a glimpse
Of a customer's lacy g-string,
And my low was seeing his junk.
My low is this meeting.
And my high is when it wraps up.
Can everybody take this serious--
[high-pitched] I have a new low.
I have a new high.
Me too.
Everybody, please.
Han just clearly injured his vagina.
(peter bjorn and john) ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
[phone rings]
[ringing continues]
That's not my phone.
My ringtone is let it go, and you know that
'cause you threaten to beat me every time it rings.
Well, it's not mine.
I keep my phone on vibrate
Out of respect for those around me,
And also for little orgasms.
[ringing continues]
Max, it's the landline.
Oh, god!
Why is it ringing?
You said that phone only rings
If we're in trouble or if it's you
Calling from the future to tell us we're in trouble.
[ringing continues]
Ruh-roh.
That's gotta be the landlord. The lease is up.
Fine, we'll just renew it, even though I thought
They would have condemned this place by now.
I mean, I did find a used condom in the hallway yesterday.
[phone rings]
Hello? No!
Hang up. We're not on the lease.
[speaks japanese]
Good cover. Now we just have to hope
The original tenant is a benihana chef.
Okay.
We don't have much time. Quick!
Grab two things you love.
I-I love nothing in here!
And why are we even trying to keep an apartment
That has grass growing in the bathroom?
I love our toilet lawn.
It's gross.
Max, look at this place.
Our refrigerator door is held on by scotch tape,
And, I mean, there is black mold in there.
At least the black mold made the other mold
Move out of the neighborhood.
Come on!
Someone from the real estate company
Is probably on their way over to make sure
The original tenant still lives here.
[phone rings]
All right, let's ride!
I know a guy that can drop off some fake passports
For us in an airport locker.
Well, you know him too. It's oleg.
Hey!
Pick up that phone already!
Sounds like a damn pbs fund-raiser down here.
Sophie, it's the landlord calling.
I just found out we've been subletting illegally.
Oh, well, I always wondered how you girls
Could afford to live in this building.
And I ruled out prostitution once I saw caroline dance.
Good news.
I dug around the apartment
And I found the original lease.
Also found a copy of my birth certificate.
Turns out my father's name is "mother has no idea."
Forget that lease.
I've already found a new place for us.
A two-bedroom for $1,300 in manhattan.
Oh... Manhattan, kansas.
We can't afford to lose this lease.
As soon as they find out this lester donovan
Is no longer living there, the rent will get higher
Than justin bieber on a plane with his dad.
So I tracked down this original tenant guy, lester.
He's still alive.
Ugh! Can't catch a break.
He's at a rest home in sheepshead bay.
We just have to go there and kidnap him.
We'll tie some cream of wheat to a pole and lure him out.
First of all, in what world
Do we have cream of wheat pole money?
And secondly, I am not gonna go shake down some old man.
You won't have to.
He's probably already shaking.
If you're looking, I know a place.
You share a twin bed with two other girls.
Oh, and there are cameras.
But you're paid $4.99 a minute
And get to meet all the singles in your area.
Are you one of the singles in the area?
Technically I'd be your costar.
Like it or not, we have to hold on to our apartment.
Max is right--there are two things in life you cannot lose.
A rent-controlled apartment and bladder control.
Actually, there's an apartment in my building
That just became available.
Stop by tomorrow. You can see it.
This place is $1,200?
$1,250. It just went up since we been talking.
We can't fit in here.
I'm not talking about me and you.
I'm talking about me and my boobs.
Nice retirement home.
Why don't we just live here?
Bingo tournaments, unlimited hard candy,
And you get to crap your pants!
Lester?
That must be him.
I don't know who I am anymore, but that must be him.
Hi, mr. Donovan.
Lester?
Max, is he dead?
No, he's alive, but just...
This is so sad.
Look at how we treat our elderly.
Wake up!
I-I-I need you to wake up for this!
We are currently subletting your old apartment,
And we need you to pretend
You still live there for a day.
Or just to pretend you still live.
Ladies, you're wasting your time.
He can't speak, and he doesn't like girls.
He's a vegetable and a fruit.
Lester donovan.
Oh, you're lester! Oh, thank god.
Listen, lester, we need you--
I know, I know. You want me to pretend
I still live in your apartment. I overheard everything.
We're not all comatose, darling.
But I'm afraid--ahem-- it's not gonna happen, girls.
'cause I got a big week.
My special lady is moving in with me.
Heh heh. 'cause this guy's
Not gonna be around much longer.
18 hours...Tops!
Oh! Here's my princess.
Olivia!
Oh...
He's still with us.
God bless.
So we'll have to push the move to Monday.
Yeah... About that, lester.
I'm not ready to move in with you.
Olivia, wh--what do you mean?
Max, we should go. No way! This is like watching
An elder version of the bachelor!
Literally... The final rose!
Lester, it's not you. It's me.
That's still in play at their age?
I'm just not ready to settle down.
Too many other fish in the sea.
I know--it's about that new kid on the block,
Morty what's-his-name. It's about morty, isn't it?
Lester, please.
I don't want it to be weird
When we see each other at bingo.
You should know this about morty--
He's not a real man like me.
His middle name is viagra!
Olivia!
Well, there's no point hanging around here.
I'll just grab my penis pump, and we're outta here.
Why is he gonna need that?
Here we are, "home, sweet...
At least it's not a rest home."
Lester, not that I minded pushing you 35 blocks, but...
You could walk at the home.
Why can't you walk now?
I'm too depressed to walk.
I've been depressed since I learned to walk.
I mean, I was nine. It was time.
I have just lost the love of my life!
Have you ever made love to a lady with no teeth
And two plastic hips?
I, for one, have not.
Max?
No. But it just rocketed to number one on my bucket list.
I lived here from 1954 to studio 54.
Liza minnelli threw up in that corner.
The only time I ever saw anybody
Take three bows after a vomit.
Why did you leave?
You always think you're gonna find something better.
Yep. The toilet grass is always greener.
[buzzer]
Okay. That's the building rep, lester.
Do we need to go over our cover story again?
It's pretty easy.
I'm carlotta spaghetta...
Mild-mannered pet trainer by day,
Hot-tempered nigerian spy by night.
Lester, only listen to me.
Max is your granddaughter,
And I'm her sober companion--
Which is the only part of our story that's true.
[knocking]
It's him--now, just sit and smile and nod.
I'll nod, but I'm not gonna smile.
Welcome to my grandfather's
Happy, happy home. There's his couch.
There's his kitchen.
What's this?
There's his bong.
His bong.
Glaucoma. Chemo.
Well, good afternoon.
I'm roger from building management.
I'm here to verify this lease,
And I'd like to do it
Before the rest of this doorway caves in.
And of course you know my dear,
Dear grandfather lester.
I just have a few questions, mr. Donovan.
Have you ever made love to a woman
With a silicone hip?
[whispers] it's amazing!
Okay! I can cross that one off my list.
Hey, girls.
I came through the back
'cause this junkie's on the front stoop,
And it's still a little awkward between us.
[girls stammering]
Oh, uh, this is sophie. She lives upstairs.
As you can see, roger, no problems.
Everything's totally legit.
Hey, who's the old guy?
She lives upstairs, and she doesn't know lester?
She knows him--this is just a sexual game they play
Called "who are you?"
That doesn't sound like a sexual game.
It is when she's saying it to his penis.
Sophie, this is the guy from the agency
Who just came by to verify
That lester actually lives here.
Oh, yeah!
He lives here every day!
Yeah, and we play that game forever.
[shouting] who are you?
Come closer. He can't hear you.
I'm feeling better already.
So the main takeaway here
Is that they both live in the building legally.
Now, let's just sign that lease.
All right, mr. Donovan, I just need your signature here,
And this'll lock you into the lease for another four years.
What's your hip situation?
Oh, I'm as hip as they come, baby! Yeah!
Now, that's a looker!
Here ya go. Yep! All done.
You have the apartment for another four years.
Enjoy it?
Oh, and I'm required to say: Traces of cancerous stuff
Have been found in some of the apartments.
Have a nice day!
[door closes]
Four more years! Four more years!
We get to stay in the place
I never thought I'd want to stay in.
Oh, lester, you're up. Feeling better?
Like a million bucks.
I feel like my old self again.
Oh, hey, it's been 18 hours.
Let's go see if your friend's dead.
Yeah, lester. Let's get ya home.
What are you talking about? I am home.
What do you mean? This is our place.
Not according to that lease I just signed.
I'll be in my bedroom.
Good to be home!
Ruh-roh... Ruh-roh.
Ladies, this is delicious!
You know, at the home they keep salt on lockdown.
Salt and the dementia patients.
Well, it doesn't look like bad grandpa's leaving tonight.
Maybe I can help.
I can put some ground glass in his salisbury steak.
It's called a ukrainian divorce.
Eh...I'll try this jell-o first.
Yeah, it's so old, it might kill him.
Lester, I brought you some jell-o.
Would you like some? That's very nice of you,
But I'm not going anywhere.
Lester, really, you don't want to live with us.
Caroline sings so much
She should have animated birds on her.
Look, there's no way I'm going back to that retirement home.
I feel alive for the first time since...
Since I died briefly last year.
Oh, my god, really?
Yes, some nurse tripped over the power cord.
A-and besides, it's really helping me get over olivia.
I'm finally realizing there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Hey, everybody!
And there's one of 'em. [chuckles]
She puts the "ass" in "bass."
Friend, I'll be in my booth.
Hey, sophie. You remember lester.
Lester, you remember when they discovered fire.
Please, please, join me.
May I buy you an egg cream?
Oh, I do love an egg cream.
Oh, excuse me, I gotta go powder by nose.
Girls...
Girls, I know you want your apartment back
And I'm a reasonable man,
So all I want before I go is a little you-know-what.
More jell-o?
I'm talking about sex. Rebound sex!
Rebound sex?
Are you sure you'll even be able to rebound from having sex?
Are you kidding?
There's nothing but sex at that retirement home.
Why do you think I put myself there?
It's wall-to-wall whoopee,
And you don't even have to drive home after.
Now, I have in mind a certain elegant lady.
Ahh, you're out of t.P.!
You can set me up for one night with your friend,
And I will gladly leave the apartment.
[chuckles]
I'll be in your booth.
Hey, sophie, you'll get with that old guy, right?
Are you fricking kidding me?
Lester, she didn't go for it.
I'm not going back to that retirement home
With my tail between my legs.
I gotta sleep with someone to make olivia jealous.
There's a new thing that kids are doing called "lying."
Why don't you just make something up?
Pics or it didn't happen.
I need a selfie with whoever I hook up with
For my facebook page.
And if it's not gonna be sophie,
My guess, it's gonna be one of you two up in bed...
Slugger.
♪ take me out to the ball game ♪
♪ take me out
Now I know why liza threw up.
Now I'm depressed.
So you lost the straw pull
For who's gonna sleep with lester.
Look, you've been saying you wanted to have sex
And you've also been saying you wanna go antiquing.
So, behind that door are both.
And, max, I think you cheated in that straw pull.
Of course I cheated!
Look, I have had a lot of crazy sex.
I once did it with a clown at a funeral.
But I cannot see that penis pump.
I won't be able to come back from that.
You think I can?
I do, I think the science part of your brain would enjoy it.
Ladies, I've stretched.
I'm ready.
Fine, I'll take the bullet.
I don't think there are any bullets in that gun.
Are you sure?
'cause I don't wanna have an old baby.
This is ridiculous
That we're even entertaining the thought
Of doing anything with an old man that isn't a trump.
Max, I can't do this.
One of us will just have to take
That apartment in earl's building
And you will find another place.
But then we'd have to live apart.
I know, but I don't see another choice.
I'm not ready to live without you.
[screaming]
What?
I saw the pump! Pack your things!
Max, I can't believe you were almost willing to do that
To live with me.
You know what, I'm going in.
Because the thought of not seeing you
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, would kill me!
We'll meet every Saturday morning for coffee.
Less and less over time, of course.
(lester) that was a good start. What else you got?
(both) nothing!
Ah, I'm really liking this whole back door thing.
Wow, that's the first time I've ever said that.
Don't get used to it, sophie.
You never do.
No, I mean, we're gonna have to leave this place.
We couldn't do it with lester.
I know, that's why I'm here.
You don't have to do this for us.
If you two didn't live in this building,
Then we'd drift apart
And we'd only see each other on saturdays for coffee.
Well... I'd probably only go once.
Look, just give me 90 seconds.
I mean, he's got a pump. How hard could it be?
She's amazing.
We should probably get her something for this.
What would be appropriate?
That good candle under the sink?
We've only used it once.
That seems right. [door clicking]
I don't know what that was, but I'm not up to it.
I-I don't think my heart could take it.
Afraid sex with sophie would kill you?
Yeah, that's why I haven't gone there.
You know, I was all excited about--about all the--
All the other fish in the sea.
[laughs] that was a great white shark!
Hey, come on!
I just stretched. I'm ready.
Look, uh, could we get a quick pic?
I might've gone there, too, if I knew he had an iphone 5s.
Try to be as sexy as possible. Oh, okay, yeah.
[chuckles]
When olivia sees that, she's gonna say, "morty who?"
Girls, enjoy your apartment.
I had some lovely times here.
Thank you so much, lester. Bye, grandpa.
Maybe sometime we could come visit you in the home.
Email me. We'll talk.
That's still in play at his age?
Hey, thanks for the blue balls, lester!
Nighty-night, girls.
Max, we get to stay together!
[gasps] and even better,
He left his wheelchair!
Push me into the kitchen, I wanna crack open a beer.
I wonder if I'll be pushing you like this when you're 70.
You'll be pushing me like this when I'm 30.
[gasps]
There's no place like home.
I'll go get the scotch tape.