1
00:00:02,845 --> 00:00:04,980
Happy st. Patrick's day!
2
00:00:04,982 --> 00:00:07,649
Guinness and irish cream
cupcakes for everyone!
3
00:00:07,651 --> 00:00:10,218
Enjoy your blackout!
4
00:00:10,220 --> 00:00:11,953
These are the last
12 cupcakes.
5
00:00:11,955 --> 00:00:15,857
Actually, two of them are just
potatoes from the diner.
6
00:00:15,859 --> 00:00:17,492
At some point I started
7
00:00:17,494 --> 00:00:19,861
Putting green icing
on anything I could find.
8
00:00:19,863 --> 00:00:21,997
Max, we haven't been so busy
9
00:00:21,999 --> 00:00:26,368
Since someone spray-painted free
sex stuff on the wall outside.
10
00:00:26,370 --> 00:00:29,404
And you said
I'm not good at marketing.
11
00:00:29,406 --> 00:00:31,807
Happy st. Patrick's day.
12
00:00:31,809 --> 00:00:33,875
Bridget, patrick, john, mary,
13
00:00:33,877 --> 00:00:37,145
And you, the little one,
come over here.
14
00:00:37,147 --> 00:00:38,747
We're here
to pick up our order.
15
00:00:38,749 --> 00:00:41,583
Huh. Should be here
to pick up birth control.
16
00:00:41,585 --> 00:00:43,085
Coming right up.
17
00:00:43,087 --> 00:00:45,754
Max, I know I told you
I hated st. Patrick's day
18
00:00:45,756 --> 00:00:47,756
Because the only people
who go out are drunk trash--
19
00:00:47,758 --> 00:00:50,759
We prefer to be called
"intoxicated garbage."
20
00:00:50,761 --> 00:00:54,563
But that was before I knew
that drunk trash carried cash.
21
00:00:54,565 --> 00:00:56,665
Nobody gonna pinch me today,
'cause I got all this green.
22
00:00:56,667 --> 00:00:58,667
[laughs]
23
00:00:58,669 --> 00:01:02,571
Oh, money's involved, and all of
a sudden you're erin go bragh?
24
00:01:02,573 --> 00:01:06,508
Or in your case,
"erin go training bra"?
25
00:01:06,510 --> 00:01:07,843
Who wants cupcakes?
26
00:01:07,845 --> 00:01:09,945
Children: Yay!
27
00:01:09,947 --> 00:01:12,080
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
28
00:01:12,082 --> 00:01:13,748
[cash register bell dings]
29
00:01:13,750 --> 00:01:18,987
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
30
00:01:23,526 --> 00:01:25,327
It was so worth
being open this morning.
31
00:01:25,329 --> 00:01:27,329
We can use this
st. Patrick's day money
32
00:01:27,331 --> 00:01:28,730
To spring for some
new pillows.
33
00:01:28,732 --> 00:01:30,999
Or even just pillows.
34
00:01:31,001 --> 00:01:35,170
Or just go to a bar and fall
asleep on a couple of fat guys.
35
00:01:35,172 --> 00:01:39,274
Okay, how much did we make?
Show me the money.
36
00:01:39,276 --> 00:01:42,077
$351!
37
00:01:42,079 --> 00:01:45,947
Show me the rest
of the money.
38
00:01:45,949 --> 00:01:47,949
Fine, I took $3.
39
00:01:47,951 --> 00:01:48,950
That's it?
40
00:01:48,952 --> 00:01:51,119
Fine, I took 5.
41
00:01:51,121 --> 00:01:54,256
Can't a bitch
get a foot-long?
42
00:01:54,258 --> 00:01:56,158
But we worked so hard.
43
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:57,926
I have so much green
under my fingernails
44
00:01:57,928 --> 00:02:02,164
It looks like I had
really good sex with shrek.
45
00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:05,467
What other kind
could you have with him?
46
00:02:05,469 --> 00:02:08,737
Green guys make black guys
look like white guys.
47
00:02:10,273 --> 00:02:12,507
I love st. Patrick's day.
48
00:02:12,509 --> 00:02:15,443
Tell me one good thing
about it.
49
00:02:15,445 --> 00:02:18,580
Top o' the mornin'!
50
00:02:18,582 --> 00:02:20,982
Look, it's a lepre-han.
51
00:02:20,984 --> 00:02:23,018
So what do you think?
52
00:02:23,020 --> 00:02:25,020
I'm concerned.
If you're out here,
53
00:02:25,022 --> 00:02:28,190
Who's guarding [irish accent]
your lucky charms?
54
00:02:28,192 --> 00:02:30,959
You laugh now,
and probably all night long,
55
00:02:30,961 --> 00:02:32,594
But with this costume
56
00:02:32,596 --> 00:02:35,931
My chances of getting laid
are higher than ever.
57
00:02:35,933 --> 00:02:38,266
So zero?
58
00:02:38,268 --> 00:02:41,269
Nope, 100%.
59
00:02:41,271 --> 00:02:43,638
What makes you so confident?
60
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,040
'cause the only answer
I can think of right now
61
00:02:45,042 --> 00:02:49,010
Is that you have cocaine
in your wee pocket.
62
00:02:49,012 --> 00:02:50,645
Hey, I can see it.
63
00:02:50,647 --> 00:02:52,480
You're out drunk
on st. Patrick's day,
64
00:02:52,482 --> 00:02:55,317
And it seems like a good idea
to bang a leprechaun.
65
00:02:55,319 --> 00:02:57,352
Like the president's day
I hooked up with a guy
66
00:02:57,354 --> 00:03:00,622
Dressed like uncle sam
at the used car lot.
67
00:03:00,624 --> 00:03:03,458
This costume
is my ace in the hole.
68
00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:07,629
Well, it does make you
look like an ace hole.
69
00:03:07,631 --> 00:03:09,631
Nice outfit, han.
70
00:03:09,633 --> 00:03:14,269
You look like a pimp
I used to use in vietnam.
71
00:03:16,138 --> 00:03:18,573
Come on, let's hit the parade.
72
00:03:18,575 --> 00:03:20,642
Look, oleg, this is america.
73
00:03:20,644 --> 00:03:22,777
You could have an accent
or a suspicious package,
74
00:03:22,779 --> 00:03:24,646
But you can't have both.
75
00:03:24,648 --> 00:03:27,048
Relax.
It's just my inventory.
76
00:03:27,050 --> 00:03:31,453
I'm gonna sell t-shirts.
77
00:03:32,722 --> 00:03:36,992
That is revolting.
78
00:03:36,994 --> 00:03:39,394
Put me down for five.
79
00:03:39,396 --> 00:03:42,964
You might also be interested
in my other choice product.
80
00:03:42,966 --> 00:03:45,166
Pee funnels.
81
00:03:45,168 --> 00:03:48,570
I might also not be
interested in that product.
82
00:03:48,572 --> 00:03:51,506
It's a disposable funnel
for upwardly mobile, elegant,
83
00:03:51,508 --> 00:03:53,108
Young ladies
who want to stand
84
00:03:53,110 --> 00:03:55,744
And pee in the street
like a man.
85
00:03:55,746 --> 00:03:58,680
I mean, have you seen
those parade port-a-potties?
86
00:03:58,682 --> 00:04:01,916
Seen 'em?
I was conceived in one.
87
00:04:01,918 --> 00:04:04,352
Just slip one of these
babies into your pants
88
00:04:04,354 --> 00:04:07,522
And go pee in the park,
no muss, no fuss.
89
00:04:07,524 --> 00:04:10,659
Well, a little muss,
some fuss.
90
00:04:10,661 --> 00:04:14,162
And possibly a very
unpleasant paper cut.
91
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:20,101
That's revolting.
92
00:04:20,103 --> 00:04:22,437
Put me down for five.
93
00:04:22,439 --> 00:04:24,339
Better make it six,
'cause if it's for ladies,
94
00:04:24,341 --> 00:04:28,543
Han's definitely
gonna need one.
95
00:04:28,545 --> 00:04:31,846
Max, barhopping
with a horny leprechaun
96
00:04:31,848 --> 00:04:33,915
And a pee funnel salesman?
97
00:04:33,917 --> 00:04:35,617
Not exactly my scene.
98
00:04:35,619 --> 00:04:37,352
Can't you just go with deke?
99
00:04:37,354 --> 00:04:40,021
This is boyfriend stuff,
meaning he's gross like you.
100
00:04:40,023 --> 00:04:43,525
I know, but he's snowboarding
somewhere called vail
101
00:04:43,527 --> 00:04:45,927
With something
called a family.
102
00:04:45,929 --> 00:04:47,896
Here, we gotta lay down
a layer of grease
103
00:04:47,898 --> 00:04:49,764
To absorb all the booze
we'll be drinking tonight.
104
00:04:49,766 --> 00:04:52,267
This'll hold us over
till our 3:00 a.M. Street meet,
105
00:04:52,269 --> 00:04:53,768
Which'll hold us over till our
106
00:04:53,770 --> 00:04:56,104
Noon-30 rooty-tooty
fresh and fruity breakfast.
107
00:04:56,106 --> 00:04:57,972
Come on, start layering.
108
00:04:57,974 --> 00:04:59,307
I miss my old st. Patrick's day
tradition.
109
00:04:59,309 --> 00:05:00,542
Wanna hear it?
110
00:05:00,544 --> 00:05:02,444
Hell, no.
111
00:05:02,446 --> 00:05:04,346
Well, from 16 to 21,
my friends and I--
112
00:05:04,348 --> 00:05:06,014
Boys were there too,
113
00:05:06,016 --> 00:05:08,216
Even though technically
they weren't allowed--
114
00:05:08,218 --> 00:05:11,353
By 16, I was thrice divorced
115
00:05:11,355 --> 00:05:14,489
And a member of the
electricians' union, but go on.
116
00:05:14,491 --> 00:05:19,060
We'd rent a big suite at the
plaza overlooking the parade,
117
00:05:19,062 --> 00:05:21,363
And we'd fill balloons
with champagne and--
118
00:05:21,365 --> 00:05:26,368
[cackles] and throw them
down at the parade crowd!
119
00:05:26,370 --> 00:05:29,537
So fun, right?
120
00:05:29,539 --> 00:05:31,406
Oh, wait, that was you guys?
121
00:05:31,408 --> 00:05:33,742
One year you hit me
and my friend archie.
122
00:05:33,744 --> 00:05:35,643
He sells car seat covers
in rhode island now.
123
00:05:35,645 --> 00:05:37,712
He's doing pretty well.
124
00:05:37,714 --> 00:05:39,481
Max, why are you
125
00:05:39,483 --> 00:05:42,417
Dragging ass on the night
I'm supposed to get some?
126
00:05:42,419 --> 00:05:45,987
Stop talking about sex
wearing that body. It's gross.
127
00:05:53,329 --> 00:05:55,263
[horn honking]
128
00:05:55,265 --> 00:05:58,066
We've been stuck in traffic
for, like, an hour.
129
00:05:58,068 --> 00:06:00,835
I could've had
37 guinnesses by now.
130
00:06:00,837 --> 00:06:04,439
And broken the guinness world
record for most guinnesses.
131
00:06:04,441 --> 00:06:06,808
Is this cab even moving?
132
00:06:06,810 --> 00:06:09,310
Is that a new mcdonald's
or the same one?
133
00:06:09,312 --> 00:06:11,146
It's the same one,
134
00:06:11,148 --> 00:06:13,348
Unless that bum's on a
masturbation tour of manhattan.
135
00:06:13,350 --> 00:06:18,086
Come on! Make 'em move!
Hit the horn again! [honks horn]
136
00:06:18,088 --> 00:06:21,990
If you touch my horn again,
I cut your hand off!
137
00:06:21,992 --> 00:06:23,358
Okay, big shot.
138
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:27,162
Do it. Do it, if it'll
get us there faster.
139
00:06:27,164 --> 00:06:31,499
Look, I know I said I'd
spring for a cab, but it's $70!
140
00:06:31,501 --> 00:06:33,501
And I'm gonna need that
for a junior king room
141
00:06:33,503 --> 00:06:35,537
At the holiday inn express!
142
00:06:35,539 --> 00:06:37,639
Don't worry, han,
we'll chip in.
143
00:06:37,641 --> 00:06:42,310
No, we won't. We need that $356.
That's all we made today.
144
00:06:42,312 --> 00:06:46,114
It has to last till we're 82.
This is our funeral money, max.
145
00:06:46,116 --> 00:06:48,283
Don't worry,
we'll make more money.
146
00:06:48,285 --> 00:06:50,218
Not much more,
but a little bit.
147
00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:52,554
[bagpipe music]
damn it!
148
00:06:52,556 --> 00:06:54,722
I can hear
the bagpipers coming this way.
149
00:06:54,724 --> 00:06:58,726
They're playing closing time.
That means the parade's over.
150
00:06:58,728 --> 00:07:00,929
Now I'm never gonna
sell the pee funnels.
151
00:07:00,931 --> 00:07:03,364
All right,
I gotta move some t-shirts.
152
00:07:03,366 --> 00:07:05,033
Heads up, peoples!
153
00:07:05,035 --> 00:07:07,869
"kiss me I'm irish"
crotch tees. $15.
154
00:07:07,871 --> 00:07:10,638
Or two for 25! Five for 60!
155
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:13,308
You nobody!
156
00:07:13,310 --> 00:07:15,643
You can't sell those
out the window.
157
00:07:15,645 --> 00:07:17,745
That's illegal.
You need a permit!
158
00:07:17,747 --> 00:07:19,481
Just drive, grandma.
159
00:07:19,483 --> 00:07:21,316
I can't believe
you call yourself russian.
160
00:07:21,318 --> 00:07:23,718
Doesn't seem like
you're rushin' anywhere.
161
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:27,222
You say that again, and I'll
cut your tongue out!
162
00:07:27,224 --> 00:07:29,424
Oh, now you're gonna
cut out my tongue?
163
00:07:29,426 --> 00:07:33,828
Why do you want to punish all
the women in the tri-state area?
164
00:07:33,830 --> 00:07:35,129
[bagpipe music]
165
00:07:35,131 --> 00:07:36,764
Look, oh, my god,
it's earl!
166
00:07:36,766 --> 00:07:38,967
♪
167
00:07:38,969 --> 00:07:40,668
Earl, what're
you doing here?
168
00:07:40,670 --> 00:07:43,505
Hey, y'all!
169
00:07:43,507 --> 00:07:46,140
This is my bagpipe group
black irish.
170
00:07:46,142 --> 00:07:48,309
I'm black, they're irish.
171
00:07:48,311 --> 00:07:51,312
Why didn't you tell us
you were coming to the parade?
172
00:07:51,314 --> 00:07:55,650
Well, I kinda like to keep
my skirt wearing on the d.L.
173
00:07:55,652 --> 00:07:58,553
When did you learn
how to play bagpipes?
174
00:07:58,555 --> 00:08:01,356
I do not know.
175
00:08:01,358 --> 00:08:04,826
I took too much acid once,
and, when the trip ended,
176
00:08:04,828 --> 00:08:08,429
I could play the bagpipes
and drive a stick.
177
00:08:08,431 --> 00:08:10,765
I'll catch up with you
at blarney's.
178
00:08:10,767 --> 00:08:15,270
♪
179
00:08:15,272 --> 00:08:16,571
Han, pay the man.
180
00:08:16,573 --> 00:08:18,439
It's ten blocks away.
We can walk.
181
00:08:18,441 --> 00:08:21,509
(both)
in these shoes?
182
00:08:26,248 --> 00:08:27,615
Ugh, green beer.
183
00:08:27,617 --> 00:08:29,617
Is this really how
we honor the irish,
184
00:08:29,619 --> 00:08:31,352
Some of our greatest
writers and poets?
185
00:08:31,354 --> 00:08:33,187
Oh, did they come up with,
186
00:08:33,189 --> 00:08:34,689
"if you sprinkle
when you tinkle,
187
00:08:34,691 --> 00:08:36,791
Be a sweetie,
wipe the seatie"?
188
00:08:36,793 --> 00:08:40,728
First of all,
not a real poem.
189
00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:43,197
And as the person
who shares your bathroom,
190
00:08:43,199 --> 00:08:45,700
Maybe take that advice.
191
00:08:45,702 --> 00:08:49,704
Maybe take that frown
and get it drunk.
192
00:08:49,706 --> 00:08:52,874
Okay, sure, we're two
young girls on the town
193
00:08:52,876 --> 00:08:55,443
On what's probably america's
most dangerous holiday.
194
00:08:55,445 --> 00:08:58,446
Why--why have
our wits about us?
195
00:08:58,448 --> 00:09:00,481
That's the spirit.
196
00:09:00,483 --> 00:09:03,151
And who knows? Maybe you'll
meet a cute, irish guy.
197
00:09:03,153 --> 00:09:06,120
Happy st. Paddy's day!
198
00:09:06,122 --> 00:09:07,722
Blarney bill.
199
00:09:07,724 --> 00:09:10,725
Are you the owner of this
colorful establishment?
200
00:09:10,727 --> 00:09:13,828
I'm not even
the owner of these pants.
201
00:09:13,830 --> 00:09:15,964
Where's me kiss?
202
00:09:15,966 --> 00:09:17,532
[smooches]
203
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:19,901
Blarney bill is like
the mascot of this place.
204
00:09:19,903 --> 00:09:21,836
Every year I kiss him
for good luck.
205
00:09:21,838 --> 00:09:24,138
And when does
that luck kick in?
206
00:09:24,140 --> 00:09:25,807
Where's me kiss?
207
00:09:25,809 --> 00:09:28,376
I left it
in me other purse?
208
00:09:31,580 --> 00:09:35,483
Wow. That's a wet moustache.
209
00:09:35,485 --> 00:09:37,652
Scotch and fish.
210
00:09:37,654 --> 00:09:39,487
What?
211
00:09:39,489 --> 00:09:43,758
That's why it's wet!
[laughs]
212
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,060
Man, he's the best.
213
00:09:46,062 --> 00:09:48,997
The best what?
214
00:09:48,999 --> 00:09:50,098
Hey, girls!
215
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:52,533
Sold my last shirt.
216
00:09:52,535 --> 00:09:57,505
Hey, told you
that small would fit.
217
00:09:58,941 --> 00:10:01,376
Look at han at that table
with all those...
218
00:10:01,378 --> 00:10:03,778
I want to say "girls..."
219
00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:05,680
Waiting to take
pictures with him.
220
00:10:05,682 --> 00:10:08,016
Mm, becca!
221
00:10:08,018 --> 00:10:09,450
Be-becca!
222
00:10:09,452 --> 00:10:12,020
Over here.
223
00:10:12,022 --> 00:10:14,022
Oh, no, you're not becca.
224
00:10:14,024 --> 00:10:15,556
Hey, though.
225
00:10:15,558 --> 00:10:17,859
Oh, my god, you look
so much like my friend becca.
226
00:10:17,861 --> 00:10:19,727
Are you guys in line to take
pictures with the leprechaun?
227
00:10:19,729 --> 00:10:20,728
No.
$5.
228
00:10:20,730 --> 00:10:22,397
Wait, what?
229
00:10:22,399 --> 00:10:25,867
Ah, yes, we are the leprechaun's
mcagent and mcmanager.
230
00:10:25,869 --> 00:10:28,236
It'll be $5 to take
a selfie with the leprechaun.
231
00:10:28,238 --> 00:10:31,072
That is a great deal.
232
00:10:31,074 --> 00:10:33,408
Max, I am not doing this.
233
00:10:33,410 --> 00:10:37,378
Fine. Then we'll have to use the
cupcake money for our cab home.
234
00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:39,914
Okay, that there
is virgin leprechaun.
235
00:10:39,916 --> 00:10:41,716
So it's $10.
236
00:10:41,718 --> 00:10:44,719
10 for a picture, 15 for a kiss,
nothing below the waist.
237
00:10:44,721 --> 00:10:47,555
That's 'cause there's
nothing below the waist.
238
00:10:47,557 --> 00:10:49,657
Will you take a 20?
239
00:10:49,659 --> 00:10:53,461
I mean, I guess.
240
00:10:55,597 --> 00:10:59,400
Just so you know, if you're
an orphan, I'm interested.
241
00:11:01,336 --> 00:11:03,538
Are you over here
making money off of me,
242
00:11:03,540 --> 00:11:05,339
You wolves of wall street?
243
00:11:05,341 --> 00:11:08,209
We're just taking advantage
of drunk people.
244
00:11:08,211 --> 00:11:09,811
It's a st. Paddy's tradition,
245
00:11:09,813 --> 00:11:12,380
Like corned beef
or punching a cop.
246
00:11:12,382 --> 00:11:16,417
Well, then maybe you can get
them to take advantage of me.
247
00:11:16,419 --> 00:11:19,754
Get a little handsy
on hansy.
248
00:11:19,756 --> 00:11:22,924
I've got my eye
on that buxom paralegal.
249
00:11:22,926 --> 00:11:26,994
The one over there who
brought in outside chicken?
250
00:11:29,498 --> 00:11:30,998
Hook daddy up!
251
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,867
So I'm going up to the woman
252
00:11:32,869 --> 00:11:37,105
Who brought her own
two-liter of coke to a bar
253
00:11:37,107 --> 00:11:40,575
To ask her for money
to touch you.
254
00:11:40,577 --> 00:11:43,711
That's the gist.
255
00:11:43,713 --> 00:11:46,214
What's happened
to my life? Where am I?
256
00:11:46,216 --> 00:11:48,516
Blarney's!
257
00:11:48,518 --> 00:11:49,717
Oh, god, it's blarney bill.
258
00:11:49,719 --> 00:11:51,018
Hey, that's my name!
259
00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:52,520
Where's me kiss?
260
00:11:52,522 --> 00:11:55,389
Oh, well, I--
261
00:11:55,391 --> 00:11:57,024
I have to go to the ladies' room
262
00:11:57,026 --> 00:11:58,860
And wash whatever
is on my mouth and in my mouth
263
00:11:58,862 --> 00:12:00,828
Off my mouth
and out of my mouth.
264
00:12:04,199 --> 00:12:06,834
We've been in this line so long,
now I actually have to pee.
265
00:12:06,836 --> 00:12:10,772
Max, are you eating chicken?
266
00:12:10,774 --> 00:12:12,707
She didn't have
10 bucks to tickle han,
267
00:12:12,709 --> 00:12:15,843
So she paid me
in purse chicken.
268
00:12:15,845 --> 00:12:19,313
I think I came out ahead.
269
00:12:19,315 --> 00:12:21,983
Uh, sorry, back of the line.
No cuts.
270
00:12:21,985 --> 00:12:23,951
Please. I'm feeling sick.
271
00:12:23,953 --> 00:12:27,555
Sorry, no cuts,
no buts, no coconuts.
272
00:12:27,557 --> 00:12:30,658
Is that one of those
famous irish poems too?
273
00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:33,194
I totally understand.
Yeah, I get it.
274
00:12:33,196 --> 00:12:34,495
Just let her cut.
It's st. Patrick's day.
275
00:12:34,497 --> 00:12:36,397
She's having fun.
276
00:12:36,399 --> 00:12:39,300
Not to bring up my st. Patrick's
day tradition at the plaza...
277
00:12:39,302 --> 00:12:40,802
Oh, good.
278
00:12:40,804 --> 00:12:43,237
But it was so much better
than this place.
279
00:12:43,239 --> 00:12:45,239
I mean, there were no lines.
280
00:12:45,241 --> 00:12:48,810
We'd sit like non-animals in
the palm court and sip bellinis.
281
00:12:48,812 --> 00:12:50,311
I'm taking you to palm court
282
00:12:50,313 --> 00:12:52,847
If you tell that story
one more time.
283
00:12:52,849 --> 00:12:54,649
Guys.
284
00:12:54,651 --> 00:12:57,718
I just threw up.
285
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:06,260
And you're carrying it around
like a baby chick?
286
00:13:06,262 --> 00:13:08,496
I-I think I'm gonna
need some water.
287
00:13:08,498 --> 00:13:12,066
I have to drive
a school bus in four hours.
288
00:13:13,969 --> 00:13:16,437
You're a great american.
289
00:13:16,439 --> 00:13:19,006
I know what I am.
290
00:13:19,008 --> 00:13:20,074
(blarney bill)
ahem!
291
00:13:20,076 --> 00:13:21,309
Oh!
292
00:13:21,311 --> 00:13:23,077
Where's me kiss?
293
00:13:23,079 --> 00:13:24,912
Uh, she has it.
294
00:13:24,914 --> 00:13:25,980
Ah!
295
00:13:25,982 --> 00:13:27,281
[smooches]
296
00:13:27,283 --> 00:13:28,583
Dodged a bullet.
297
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:40,194
Bullet found ya.
298
00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:48,302
Come on. I have to find
another bathroom.
299
00:13:48,304 --> 00:13:50,171
I'm not peeing
anywhere near blarney bill.
300
00:13:50,173 --> 00:13:53,674
I don't want him to find "me
kiss" when I have me pants down.
301
00:13:55,510 --> 00:13:57,745
I gave him your number.
Is that cool?
302
00:13:57,747 --> 00:14:00,948
Oh, no. I don't think
I'm gonna make it.
303
00:14:00,950 --> 00:14:03,718
You mean in life?
Yeah, me neither.
304
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,354
No, it's all that
green beer.
305
00:14:06,356 --> 00:14:09,123
And if I wet myself
here on 53rd street,
306
00:14:09,125 --> 00:14:11,192
I'll be forced to abandon you,
move to the midwest,
307
00:14:11,194 --> 00:14:12,793
And start a new life.
308
00:14:12,795 --> 00:14:17,031
I have a bathroom
you can use.
309
00:14:19,268 --> 00:14:21,802
I've hit some very
low points today,
310
00:14:21,804 --> 00:14:25,139
But I'm not about to pee
through a paper penis in public.
311
00:14:25,141 --> 00:14:28,376
Here, quick, just pop a squat
over here behind the float,
312
00:14:28,378 --> 00:14:30,044
I'll block you
so no one'll see,
313
00:14:30,046 --> 00:14:31,779
And the 15 high school
marching bands'll
314
00:14:31,781 --> 00:14:34,215
Mask the sound of you
hitting rock bottom.
315
00:14:34,217 --> 00:14:36,651
Gimme that thing.
316
00:14:36,653 --> 00:14:37,885
Damn it, max. Damn it!
317
00:14:37,887 --> 00:14:39,720
How do I do this?
318
00:14:39,722 --> 00:14:43,758
Well, I do have my master's
in public urination from devry.
319
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,493
Just unzip,
put it in your pants,
320
00:14:45,495 --> 00:14:47,094
And let a river run through it.
321
00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:48,629
No one's looking, right?
322
00:14:48,631 --> 00:14:49,997
Nope.
323
00:14:49,999 --> 00:14:52,700
[engine starts]
324
00:14:55,470 --> 00:14:57,738
Hi, caroline.
325
00:15:00,142 --> 00:15:03,811
Sophie, you were
in the parade?
326
00:15:03,813 --> 00:15:05,413
Of course I was.
327
00:15:05,415 --> 00:15:07,181
You can't be
a volunteer firefighter
328
00:15:07,183 --> 00:15:09,150
Without being in the parade.
329
00:15:09,152 --> 00:15:11,585
You're a volunteer
firefighter?
330
00:15:11,587 --> 00:15:16,324
Well, I do go down
to the station voluntarily.
331
00:15:16,326 --> 00:15:19,060
Besides, every
fire station needs a pole,
332
00:15:19,062 --> 00:15:21,195
And I'm it, baby.
333
00:15:21,197 --> 00:15:23,831
Anyway, we're all
going to blarney's.
334
00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:25,232
Shots on me.
335
00:15:25,234 --> 00:15:28,869
And by that
I mean shots on me.
336
00:15:28,871 --> 00:15:31,038
[all cheering]
337
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:33,107
Come on.
338
00:15:33,109 --> 00:15:35,343
When the firemen's pole
offers you drinks, you say yes.
339
00:15:35,345 --> 00:15:37,678
Max, I am not
going back in there.
340
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,514
In fact, I'm treating you
to a drink at the plaza.
341
00:15:40,516 --> 00:15:42,583
You know that money we were
saving for our funeral?
342
00:15:42,585 --> 00:15:46,454
That's no longer an issue
because I just died right then.
343
00:15:46,456 --> 00:15:49,457
Rest in pee, caroline.
344
00:15:56,198 --> 00:15:58,165
Look, max, our bellinis.
345
00:15:58,167 --> 00:16:00,267
Thank you, claude.
346
00:16:00,269 --> 00:16:03,170
He's a plaza institution.
347
00:16:03,172 --> 00:16:06,207
And I just remembered
his name is rolph.
348
00:16:06,209 --> 00:16:08,042
You forgot the name rolph
349
00:16:08,044 --> 00:16:10,978
After we just saw
a girl do that in her hands?
350
00:16:10,980 --> 00:16:12,346
Isn't it lovely here?
351
00:16:12,348 --> 00:16:15,282
Less blarney's,
more barney's.
352
00:16:15,284 --> 00:16:17,351
And trust me,
these bellinis are famous.
353
00:16:17,353 --> 00:16:20,721
Why?
Did they make a sex tape?
354
00:16:20,723 --> 00:16:22,556
Ooh, kind of
tastes like the time
355
00:16:22,558 --> 00:16:25,393
I put canned peaches
in my boxed wine.
356
00:16:25,395 --> 00:16:29,530
Max, a plaza bellini
is a far cry from boxed wine.
357
00:16:29,532 --> 00:16:33,868
Well, my rule is, if I have
to refrigerate it, it's fancy.
358
00:16:33,870 --> 00:16:37,571
I'm talkin' to you, batteries.
359
00:16:39,307 --> 00:16:41,142
You know, tonight
is really bringing up
360
00:16:41,144 --> 00:16:42,643
How much I miss the old me.
361
00:16:42,645 --> 00:16:44,578
Yeah, tonight
is really bringing up
362
00:16:44,580 --> 00:16:46,647
How much I miss
my friend archie.
363
00:16:46,649 --> 00:16:48,049
Who?
364
00:16:48,051 --> 00:16:50,151
The guy you hit
with the champagne balloons.
365
00:16:50,153 --> 00:16:52,420
Sells car seat covers
in rhode island.
366
00:16:52,422 --> 00:16:54,622
You know how I said
he was doing really well?
367
00:16:54,624 --> 00:16:56,557
Truth is I haven't talked
to him in a year.
368
00:16:56,559 --> 00:17:00,428
Really dropped the ball.
369
00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:02,830
And the most exciting thing
about this place--
370
00:17:02,832 --> 00:17:04,765
Those elevator doors
can open,
371
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:06,834
And you never know
who's gonna step off.
372
00:17:06,836 --> 00:17:07,835
[elevator dings]
373
00:17:07,837 --> 00:17:10,871
[gasps]
374
00:17:14,676 --> 00:17:18,479
Max, this is nice.
375
00:17:18,481 --> 00:17:21,015
Max, this is boring.
What happened?
376
00:17:21,017 --> 00:17:23,317
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
377
00:17:23,319 --> 00:17:24,952
Now I'm thinking
maybe this wasn't
378
00:17:24,954 --> 00:17:26,921
As much fun as I thought it was.
379
00:17:26,923 --> 00:17:31,592
Now I'm thinking
archie's dead.
380
00:17:31,594 --> 00:17:36,497
'cause I feel like I got
a text about it and ignored it.
381
00:17:36,499 --> 00:17:38,766
Even this bellini
doesn't taste as good.
382
00:17:38,768 --> 00:17:41,102
I knew it, my taste buds
must have committed suicide
383
00:17:41,104 --> 00:17:44,305
After my first 7-11 sushi.
384
00:17:44,307 --> 00:17:47,141
I mean, nothing
is the same.
385
00:17:47,143 --> 00:17:49,143
Why did I think this was fun?
386
00:17:49,145 --> 00:17:53,214
Because before you met me,
you didn't know what fun was.
387
00:17:53,216 --> 00:17:54,882
I get your point, max,
388
00:17:54,884 --> 00:17:57,785
But I did own a caribbean island
with six jet skis.
389
00:17:57,787 --> 00:18:01,021
Oh, come on, get over it.
Drink up. It's not that bad.
390
00:18:01,023 --> 00:18:02,723
Can you just let me feel sad?
391
00:18:02,725 --> 00:18:06,260
No!
Not on st. Patrick's day.
392
00:18:06,262 --> 00:18:09,563
You have a good time, and you
don't think about your problems.
393
00:18:09,565 --> 00:18:11,398
That girl who threw up
in her hands,
394
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,068
She didn't sit around saying,
"eh, meh, my life sucks."
395
00:18:14,070 --> 00:18:16,137
No, she threw
her hands in the air,
396
00:18:16,139 --> 00:18:18,139
Hit a lot of people
with the vomit,
397
00:18:18,141 --> 00:18:21,408
And kept the party going.
398
00:18:21,410 --> 00:18:24,612
Yeah, the party was
all over everybody's shoes.
399
00:18:24,614 --> 00:18:27,915
Look, it doesn't matter
that this is literally
400
00:18:27,917 --> 00:18:31,285
The stupidest place I've ever
been in my whole frickin' life.
401
00:18:31,287 --> 00:18:33,654
Let's get another
$40 roberto benigni
402
00:18:33,656 --> 00:18:35,289
And keep our party going.
403
00:18:35,291 --> 00:18:38,792
Come on, let's go.
There's no party here.
404
00:18:38,794 --> 00:18:40,995
There may be a $3 million
bat mitzvah happening upstairs,
405
00:18:40,997 --> 00:18:42,296
But there's no party here.
406
00:18:42,298 --> 00:18:43,664
But I do know
where there is one.
407
00:18:43,666 --> 00:18:47,134
We'll just take
the check, rolph.
408
00:18:47,136 --> 00:18:49,703
And I just remembered
his name is dennis.
409
00:18:52,274 --> 00:18:55,342
Max, I'm sorry if I rained
on your parade today.
410
00:18:55,344 --> 00:18:57,211
Well, peed on it.
411
00:18:57,213 --> 00:18:58,879
Don't worry about it.
412
00:18:58,881 --> 00:19:01,649
Everything that means
something to me gets peed on.
413
00:19:01,651 --> 00:19:03,717
Hey, girls!
I heard you left!
414
00:19:03,719 --> 00:19:07,755
You missed me winning
the hula-hooping contest.
415
00:19:07,757 --> 00:19:09,823
When did you learn
how to hula-hoop?
416
00:19:09,825 --> 00:19:13,360
Once again, I do not know.
417
00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:15,863
You're still rocking
the bagpipe ensemble.
418
00:19:15,865 --> 00:19:17,498
I thought you wanted to keep
419
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:18,899
Your skirt wearing
on the low-low.
420
00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:21,902
That was before I discovered
the sensation
421
00:19:21,904 --> 00:19:26,006
Of a cool breeze circling
my bag and my pipe.
422
00:19:29,244 --> 00:19:31,545
Hey! Max, caroline!
423
00:19:31,547 --> 00:19:34,048
Excuse me, move it.
Move it. Move it.
424
00:19:34,050 --> 00:19:37,117
Hey, move it.
Wanna break my big-ass clover?
425
00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:40,521
Girls, where did you go?
426
00:19:40,523 --> 00:19:43,123
We went to the plaza,
and I realized my life
427
00:19:43,125 --> 00:19:45,693
May actually be richer now
than when I was rich.
428
00:19:45,695 --> 00:19:50,531
Oh, no. Is it too late
to walk away?
429
00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:54,435
Can you girls
loan me some cash?
430
00:19:54,437 --> 00:19:56,770
I met a girl, and I need
money for the bus
431
00:19:56,772 --> 00:19:59,607
Back from her sister's condo
in jersey city.
432
00:19:59,609 --> 00:20:03,577
She said we've got to be quiet,
but I make no promises.
433
00:20:03,579 --> 00:20:06,480
Sure. I gotcha, han.
What do you need, a 20?
434
00:20:06,482 --> 00:20:09,083
Oh, what the hell? Take 50.
We can always make more.
435
00:20:09,085 --> 00:20:10,284
Or not.
436
00:20:10,286 --> 00:20:12,486
Look at you throwing
the cash around.
437
00:20:12,488 --> 00:20:14,722
You know, girl, there might
be hope for you yet.
438
00:20:14,724 --> 00:20:17,725
Jeanine, I'm good to go.
439
00:20:20,061 --> 00:20:23,564
Told you, girls. 100%.
440
00:20:26,401 --> 00:20:30,304
Looks like they're both
gonna get unlucky tonight.
441
00:20:30,306 --> 00:20:33,440
Hey, max, caroline,
over here!
442
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:35,943
I save ya a couple of seats.
443
00:20:35,945 --> 00:20:39,747
And a couple of firemen.
444
00:20:39,749 --> 00:20:41,482
Uh, there's no place to sit.
445
00:20:41,484 --> 00:20:44,418
Oh, you are so green.
446
00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:47,021
'sup?
447
00:20:47,023 --> 00:20:50,924
Happy st. Paddy's day!
Where's me kiss?
448
00:20:50,926 --> 00:20:53,294
Oh...
449
00:20:58,733 --> 00:21:00,234
Mm...
450
00:21:00,236 --> 00:21:04,238
Scotch and fish!