1
00:00:02,045 --> 00:00:05,213
Hi. Today's special
is clam chowder,
2
00:00:05,215 --> 00:00:08,617
And today's advice
is don't eat it.
3
00:00:08,619 --> 00:00:11,686
Do you have eggs benedict
cumberbatch?
4
00:00:11,688 --> 00:00:13,855
[laughter]
5
00:00:13,857 --> 00:00:16,258
You are really killing it
tonight, mary,
6
00:00:16,260 --> 00:00:19,428
And leaving no evidence.
[laughter]
7
00:00:19,430 --> 00:00:21,463
We're coming
from sherlock-con.
8
00:00:21,465 --> 00:00:23,965
It's like comic-con,
but for sherlock holmes fans.
9
00:00:23,967 --> 00:00:26,034
So it's way cooler.
10
00:00:26,036 --> 00:00:27,869
Excuse me for a sec.
11
00:00:27,871 --> 00:00:29,404
There's another waitress here
who is gonna be
12
00:00:29,406 --> 00:00:31,473
A big fan of all of this.
13
00:00:33,910 --> 00:00:35,877
You're welcome for what
I'm about to show you.
14
00:00:35,879 --> 00:00:39,147
Look, guess what they are.
15
00:00:39,149 --> 00:00:42,584
Time-traveling lesbians.
16
00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:43,819
We're not lesbians.
17
00:00:43,821 --> 00:00:46,655
I am.
18
00:00:46,657 --> 00:00:49,925
What is this?
What just let out?
19
00:00:49,927 --> 00:00:52,627
A sale at the burlington
coat factory?
20
00:00:52,629 --> 00:00:54,963
They're sherlock holmes
super-fans
21
00:00:54,965 --> 00:00:56,298
Coming from a convention,
22
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:58,233
Which means there are
a lot of cats
23
00:00:58,235 --> 00:01:00,102
Home alone right now.
24
00:01:00,104 --> 00:01:01,736
Well, I'd say
the only mystery
25
00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:03,905
Is who here gets laid
the least.
26
00:01:03,907 --> 00:01:07,008
Hello.
27
00:01:07,010 --> 00:01:10,312
Cracked it, watson.
28
00:01:10,314 --> 00:01:12,681
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
29
00:01:12,683 --> 00:01:14,015
[cash register bell dings]
30
00:01:14,017 --> 00:01:17,752
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
31
00:01:23,559 --> 00:01:24,926
One of those sherlock ladies
32
00:01:24,928 --> 00:01:26,528
Left her carpal tunnel
brace in here.
33
00:01:26,530 --> 00:01:28,196
No address, but there's
a card that says,
34
00:01:28,198 --> 00:01:31,900
"in case of emergency,
dial 1-800-chocolate."
35
00:01:31,902 --> 00:01:34,436
And I'll take that.
36
00:01:34,438 --> 00:01:35,704
Okay, everybody.
37
00:01:35,706 --> 00:01:36,938
It's that time again--
38
00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:40,509
The diner's big spring clean!
39
00:01:40,511 --> 00:01:43,378
Oh, my god, has it been
six years already?
40
00:01:43,380 --> 00:01:45,347
Too bad I just developed
carpal tunnel.
41
00:01:45,349 --> 00:01:47,415
Max, do you think
you can fake a stroke?
42
00:01:47,417 --> 00:01:48,950
Fake a stroke,
fake an orgasm,
43
00:01:48,952 --> 00:01:51,386
Basically anything that will
get me out of work.
44
00:01:51,388 --> 00:01:53,788
Okay, we have lots
of chores to do,
45
00:01:53,790 --> 00:01:55,524
And somebody will have
to double up,
46
00:01:55,526 --> 00:01:57,692
Because earl asked me
not to speak to him
47
00:01:57,694 --> 00:01:59,594
For the rest of the night.
48
00:01:59,596 --> 00:02:04,432
Didn't I tell you to keep
my name out your mouth?
49
00:02:04,434 --> 00:02:07,269
So, girls, what do you say
we make it fun, huh?
50
00:02:07,271 --> 00:02:10,639
I'll read a chore.
You raise your hand.
51
00:02:10,641 --> 00:02:14,176
Scrape the fat puddle
from under the stove!
52
00:02:16,445 --> 00:02:18,713
No takers?
53
00:02:18,715 --> 00:02:20,348
Next.
54
00:02:20,350 --> 00:02:25,053
Clear the spider community
in the walk-in!
55
00:02:25,055 --> 00:02:27,522
No takers?
56
00:02:27,524 --> 00:02:28,823
Next.
57
00:02:28,825 --> 00:02:30,392
Clear the spider community
58
00:02:30,394 --> 00:02:33,495
In the dish room!
59
00:02:33,497 --> 00:02:35,797
No takers?
60
00:02:35,799 --> 00:02:38,466
Han, sorry, I can't clean.
I have carpal tunnel.
61
00:02:38,468 --> 00:02:40,202
The doctor says
I can't put any pressure
62
00:02:40,204 --> 00:02:44,573
On my wrist.
63
00:02:44,575 --> 00:02:46,908
And I can't clean either, han.
It's my jaw.
64
00:02:46,910 --> 00:02:49,311
I've got real bad "t.M.Z."
65
00:02:49,313 --> 00:02:51,379
Oh, you girls
are so full of crap,
66
00:02:51,381 --> 00:02:54,883
Like that third stall
in the men's room.
67
00:02:54,885 --> 00:02:57,686
Any takers?
68
00:02:57,688 --> 00:03:00,855
She was so friendly
in the job interview.
69
00:03:05,962 --> 00:03:07,229
Bonjour, max.
70
00:03:07,231 --> 00:03:08,630
Oh, chef nicolas.
71
00:03:08,632 --> 00:03:10,232
Why am I seeing you
outside of pastry school?
72
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:11,466
Is it about my flan?
73
00:03:11,468 --> 00:03:13,802
Because no one likes
that stuff anyway.
74
00:03:13,804 --> 00:03:15,237
Oh, no, that's not
why I'm here.
75
00:03:15,239 --> 00:03:16,638
I want to speak
to caroline.
76
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:18,974
But, yes, I gave your flan
a "c"-minus.
77
00:03:18,976 --> 00:03:20,275
It was flat.
78
00:03:20,277 --> 00:03:22,911
Hmm. I'll go get her.
Wow.
79
00:03:22,913 --> 00:03:26,481
First time a teacher's
ever called me flat.
80
00:03:26,483 --> 00:03:29,517
Ow, ow, ow!
Oh, my wrist!
81
00:03:29,519 --> 00:03:31,586
Oh, I thought you were han.
82
00:03:31,588 --> 00:03:34,522
Please, I'm twice
the man he is.
83
00:03:34,524 --> 00:03:35,857
Nicolas is here.
84
00:03:35,859 --> 00:03:37,492
What? No, no, no!
85
00:03:37,494 --> 00:03:39,261
He can't be
in my personal life!
86
00:03:39,263 --> 00:03:40,695
I'm having a hard enough time
avoiding working with him
87
00:03:40,697 --> 00:03:42,030
At pastry school.
88
00:03:42,032 --> 00:03:45,267
Did I just call the diner
my personal life?
89
00:03:45,269 --> 00:03:46,668
I think so.
I wasn't listening.
90
00:03:46,670 --> 00:03:48,470
So what do I tell him?
91
00:03:48,472 --> 00:03:50,472
Tell him he's married, and I
don't go out with married men.
92
00:03:50,474 --> 00:03:52,274
Tell him what we had
was a passing flirtation.
93
00:03:52,276 --> 00:03:54,609
Tell him now it's over,
and he has to move on.
94
00:03:54,611 --> 00:03:57,846
Got it, you died
in a grease fire.
95
00:03:57,848 --> 00:04:00,048
She's not here yet.
96
00:04:00,050 --> 00:04:01,683
Oh, well,
will she be coming?
97
00:04:01,685 --> 00:04:05,120
Will she be coming?
Nope, not anytime soon.
98
00:04:05,122 --> 00:04:08,556
Okay, I'll text her.
Au revoir, max.
99
00:04:08,558 --> 00:04:10,925
Sir, don't take this
the wrong way,
100
00:04:10,927 --> 00:04:14,362
But you are
one fine-looking man.
101
00:04:14,364 --> 00:04:15,630
Well, thank you very much.
102
00:04:15,632 --> 00:04:18,133
And back at you.
103
00:04:18,135 --> 00:04:21,069
Tell me something
I don't know.
104
00:04:21,071 --> 00:04:23,238
Look at this.
Nicolas already texted me.
105
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,707
"will you have dinner?"
what should I do?
106
00:04:25,709 --> 00:04:27,575
Just ignore it, like I'm doing
with that table
107
00:04:27,577 --> 00:04:30,211
That's flagging me down
right now.
108
00:04:30,213 --> 00:04:32,947
I'm putting a stop
to this nicolas thing.
109
00:04:32,949 --> 00:04:34,382
"I'll have dinner with you
110
00:04:34,384 --> 00:04:36,484
When you leave your wife."
111
00:04:36,486 --> 00:04:39,487
And se-end.
112
00:04:39,489 --> 00:04:41,723
If you ever say
"se-end" again,
113
00:04:41,725 --> 00:04:44,726
We're not gonna be
"fri-ends."
114
00:04:44,728 --> 00:04:47,796
Hey, everybody!
115
00:04:47,798 --> 00:04:50,732
I just got back
from sundance.
116
00:04:50,734 --> 00:04:52,434
I saw ten
mark ruffalo movies,
117
00:04:52,436 --> 00:04:56,237
And I got to watch
catherine keener dj.
118
00:04:56,239 --> 00:04:58,973
Whoever that is.
119
00:04:58,975 --> 00:05:01,009
I was in an indie movie once.
120
00:05:01,011 --> 00:05:03,044
Well, a guy filmed me
eating a sloppy joe
121
00:05:03,046 --> 00:05:05,547
In the dressing room
of a sport chalet.
122
00:05:05,549 --> 00:05:08,750
Sophie, how did you get
into the sundance film festival?
123
00:05:08,752 --> 00:05:11,319
Oh, I'm dating
one of the bigwigs.
124
00:05:11,321 --> 00:05:13,088
He drives the miramax
party bus,
125
00:05:13,090 --> 00:05:15,924
And he wears a big wig.
126
00:05:15,926 --> 00:05:19,728
So I'm thinking about producing
my own movie.
127
00:05:19,730 --> 00:05:21,896
You know, getting
into the biz, babe.
128
00:05:21,898 --> 00:05:24,733
[clicks tongue]
129
00:05:24,735 --> 00:05:27,202
Sophie, if you need an actor,
let me know.
130
00:05:27,204 --> 00:05:31,106
But I'll only do
full frontal.
131
00:05:31,108 --> 00:05:34,576
I'll also do partial frontal
or just penis close-ups.
132
00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:39,414
And if you need someone
to play god, a judge,
133
00:05:39,416 --> 00:05:41,216
Or an old guy
sitting on a porch,
134
00:05:41,218 --> 00:05:43,017
I'm your man.
135
00:05:43,019 --> 00:05:46,020
[upbeat alternative music]
136
00:05:46,022 --> 00:05:48,189
♪
137
00:05:48,191 --> 00:05:50,225
Everyone, keep piping
your cakes.
138
00:05:50,227 --> 00:05:51,526
Keep piping.
139
00:05:51,528 --> 00:05:52,961
Max, vite, vite.
140
00:05:52,963 --> 00:05:54,562
You need to pipe that more.
That's funny,
141
00:05:54,564 --> 00:05:55,964
Because my high school
guidance counselor
142
00:05:55,966 --> 00:05:58,366
Told me I need to pipe
way less.
143
00:05:58,368 --> 00:06:00,702
Max, you are falling
behind today.
144
00:06:00,704 --> 00:06:02,036
Where's your deke?
145
00:06:02,038 --> 00:06:04,973
In my pants,
where it always is.
146
00:06:04,975 --> 00:06:06,441
Oh, you mean deke.
147
00:06:06,443 --> 00:06:08,343
He's got the flu.
It's everywhere.
148
00:06:08,345 --> 00:06:11,613
No one can shake it.
It's like taylor swift.
149
00:06:11,615 --> 00:06:13,548
Yeah, or pitbull.
150
00:06:13,550 --> 00:06:15,283
Okay, everyone,
that's time.
151
00:06:15,285 --> 00:06:18,153
I will see you all tomorrow.
Au revoir, class.
152
00:06:18,155 --> 00:06:20,655
All: Au revoir, chef.
153
00:06:20,657 --> 00:06:22,457
Let's go. Let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go.
154
00:06:22,459 --> 00:06:24,526
Come on, come on, hurry.
Let's get outta here.
155
00:06:24,528 --> 00:06:26,227
What's the hurry?
You sound like my mother
156
00:06:26,229 --> 00:06:27,796
Whenever the real people
who lived in the house
157
00:06:27,798 --> 00:06:29,464
Would come home.
158
00:06:29,466 --> 00:06:30,732
We need to leave now,
159
00:06:30,734 --> 00:06:32,000
While nicolas
is in his office.
160
00:06:32,002 --> 00:06:33,234
I don't want him to see me.
161
00:06:33,236 --> 00:06:34,536
I said everything I needed
to say to him
162
00:06:34,538 --> 00:06:35,804
In my last text.
163
00:06:35,806 --> 00:06:39,541
Ooh, I smell scandal.
164
00:06:39,543 --> 00:06:42,043
So I've been hiding
in the stairwell all day.
165
00:06:42,045 --> 00:06:44,045
Guess where those stairs go.
166
00:06:44,047 --> 00:06:45,914
A room where ten vietnamese
women are making
167
00:06:45,916 --> 00:06:48,683
Next year's "prada."
168
00:06:48,685 --> 00:06:52,153
And they do not like visitors.
169
00:06:52,155 --> 00:06:53,888
Oh, is that where you were?
170
00:06:53,890 --> 00:06:56,391
'cause he asked me,
so I told him you were pooping.
171
00:06:56,393 --> 00:06:59,227
Max, don't tell him
I'm pooping!
172
00:06:59,229 --> 00:07:00,562
There's no shame
in it, caroline.
173
00:07:00,564 --> 00:07:03,164
Everyone poops.
174
00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:05,066
I don't.
175
00:07:05,068 --> 00:07:07,302
I just eat, digest,
and then an angel comes
176
00:07:07,304 --> 00:07:10,505
And takes it away in the night.
177
00:07:10,507 --> 00:07:12,407
Excuse me, john.
This is private.
178
00:07:12,409 --> 00:07:13,842
It's just between us girls.
179
00:07:13,844 --> 00:07:18,146
I know.
That's why I'm standing here.
180
00:07:18,148 --> 00:07:19,414
Okay, I'm ready.
Let me just grab
181
00:07:19,416 --> 00:07:20,782
The medicine I got for deke.
182
00:07:20,784 --> 00:07:22,851
Aw, that's sweet.
You got him antibiotics?
183
00:07:22,853 --> 00:07:25,820
No, I got him vicodin.
I want him to feel better.
184
00:07:25,822 --> 00:07:27,355
I just have to make it
down the hall
185
00:07:27,357 --> 00:07:29,190
Until the elevator
without nicolas catching me.
186
00:07:29,192 --> 00:07:31,326
Oh, like sexual frogger.
187
00:07:31,328 --> 00:07:35,196
Game over. Your frog
just got hit by a car.
188
00:07:35,198 --> 00:07:36,998
Caroline, there you are.
189
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,000
I can't help feeling you're
avoiding me or something.
190
00:07:39,002 --> 00:07:42,937
Avoiding you? No!
I've been...
191
00:07:42,939 --> 00:07:45,940
Pooping.
192
00:07:45,942 --> 00:07:48,710
For five hours?
193
00:07:48,712 --> 00:07:52,780
She had a reluctant stool.
194
00:07:52,782 --> 00:07:55,984
Oh, is that not helping?
195
00:07:55,986 --> 00:07:57,185
Caroline, I have something
to tell you.
196
00:07:57,187 --> 00:07:58,186
Can we talk?
197
00:07:58,188 --> 00:08:00,522
We're all waiting.
198
00:08:00,524 --> 00:08:02,924
You know in your text
how you said that you won't
199
00:08:02,926 --> 00:08:04,759
Have dinner with me
while I'm still married?
200
00:08:04,761 --> 00:08:06,528
Better clear some space
on my dvr.
201
00:08:06,530 --> 00:08:09,130
There's a new scandal.
202
00:08:09,132 --> 00:08:10,732
Well, you can have dinner
with me,
203
00:08:10,734 --> 00:08:13,568
Because I'm leaving my wife.
204
00:08:13,570 --> 00:08:16,971
[gasps]
205
00:08:29,318 --> 00:08:31,152
Uh, hello?
What happened?
206
00:08:31,154 --> 00:08:32,587
Dude told you he was
gonna leave his wife,
207
00:08:32,589 --> 00:08:34,489
And you left faster
than vladimir putin
208
00:08:34,491 --> 00:08:37,559
At a gay bar.
209
00:08:39,662 --> 00:08:41,563
It's all a blur.
I blacked out.
210
00:08:41,565 --> 00:08:43,064
I don't even know
how I got here.
211
00:08:43,066 --> 00:08:45,466
I think I took the train,
but, max,
212
00:08:45,468 --> 00:08:50,004
I might have taken the bus.
213
00:08:50,006 --> 00:08:51,472
It came out of nowhere.
214
00:08:51,474 --> 00:08:53,575
I never expected him
to leave his wife.
215
00:08:53,577 --> 00:08:55,743
It came out of your thumbs
216
00:08:55,745 --> 00:08:58,913
When you texted it to him.
217
00:08:58,915 --> 00:09:00,481
Look, when I texted
him that,
218
00:09:00,483 --> 00:09:02,050
I was just being flirty.
219
00:09:02,052 --> 00:09:03,818
Flirty is me
not wearing underwear
220
00:09:03,820 --> 00:09:08,323
To the times square m&m store.
221
00:09:08,325 --> 00:09:10,258
So you really don't want him
to leave his wife?
222
00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:11,759
No!
223
00:09:11,761 --> 00:09:14,162
I mean, sure, maybe
I fantasized about it,
224
00:09:14,164 --> 00:09:15,863
But in my fantasy
we were on a ski trip,
225
00:09:15,865 --> 00:09:17,398
And I was jumping
up and down, excited,
226
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,234
With my best friend
jennifer lawrence.
227
00:09:20,236 --> 00:09:22,070
Cool, maybe call jen
next time
228
00:09:22,072 --> 00:09:25,406
The possum traps you
by the garbage cans.
229
00:09:25,408 --> 00:09:28,343
Look, I thought we were just
having a fun distraction.
230
00:09:28,345 --> 00:09:32,180
You know, a couple kisses,
a dry hump here and there.
231
00:09:32,182 --> 00:09:35,950
Oh, like the cheerleaders
with the good grades.
232
00:09:35,952 --> 00:09:37,885
Exactly. I'm not the type
of person who wants him
233
00:09:37,887 --> 00:09:39,420
To leave his wife.
234
00:09:39,422 --> 00:09:41,389
No, you're the type of person
who almost wants him
235
00:09:41,391 --> 00:09:42,624
To leave his wife.
236
00:09:42,626 --> 00:09:44,525
Yes! Yes, that's me!
237
00:09:44,527 --> 00:09:46,094
I'm the "almost" girl.
238
00:09:46,096 --> 00:09:49,397
I almost lost my virginity
25 times.
239
00:09:49,399 --> 00:09:50,898
This was my conversation
with my friends
240
00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:52,367
Every Monday in high school:
241
00:09:52,369 --> 00:09:53,735
"did you?"
242
00:09:53,737 --> 00:09:57,205
"almost."
243
00:09:57,207 --> 00:10:01,709
Funny, 'cause I almost
went to high school.
244
00:10:01,711 --> 00:10:03,811
Max, I have to figure out
what to do about nicolas
245
00:10:03,813 --> 00:10:05,947
Before he almost
makes a big mistake
246
00:10:05,949 --> 00:10:07,882
And leaves his wife.
247
00:10:07,884 --> 00:10:10,885
He's not leaving
his wife for you.
248
00:10:10,887 --> 00:10:12,920
It's just a thing you say
to pretty women
249
00:10:12,922 --> 00:10:15,590
To get them into bed.
250
00:10:15,592 --> 00:10:17,725
Like, "I'm a russian prince,"
251
00:10:17,727 --> 00:10:21,429
Or, "that was a good story."
252
00:10:21,431 --> 00:10:23,798
With a tank top collection
like yours,
253
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,468
I'm surprised
you have to say anything.
254
00:10:27,470 --> 00:10:30,304
I know, right?
255
00:10:30,306 --> 00:10:32,974
So you don't really think
he's serious about leaving her?
256
00:10:32,976 --> 00:10:35,143
No. I've told
dozens of women
257
00:10:35,145 --> 00:10:36,444
I'm leaving my wife
for them,
258
00:10:36,446 --> 00:10:40,114
And I'm not even married.
259
00:10:40,116 --> 00:10:43,017
Here in america.
260
00:10:43,019 --> 00:10:44,819
That was nice of oleg.
261
00:10:44,821 --> 00:10:47,188
Just when you think you've seen
every part of a person--
262
00:10:47,190 --> 00:10:50,458
'cause he's shown you
on his phone--
263
00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:51,926
He surprises you.
264
00:10:51,928 --> 00:10:53,161
Oh, I feel so much better.
265
00:10:53,163 --> 00:10:54,662
Nicolas is not going
to leave her.
266
00:10:54,664 --> 00:10:56,664
No, why would he
leave her for you?
267
00:10:56,666 --> 00:11:00,368
Well, you don't have to be
nasty about it.
268
00:11:00,370 --> 00:11:02,203
[cell phone jingles]
269
00:11:02,205 --> 00:11:04,105
Max, I just got
another text from nicolas
270
00:11:04,107 --> 00:11:05,673
About him leaving his wife.
271
00:11:05,675 --> 00:11:07,375
Oleg, now he says
he's telling his wife
272
00:11:07,377 --> 00:11:10,211
Tomorrow at 4:00
that he's leaving her.
273
00:11:10,213 --> 00:11:12,180
You got a timeframe?
274
00:11:12,182 --> 00:11:15,349
Oh, if he puts a clock on it,
it's happening.
275
00:11:15,351 --> 00:11:17,452
Pick-up, cantaloupe.
276
00:11:17,454 --> 00:11:19,921
Max, there's a clock on it.
277
00:11:19,923 --> 00:11:21,522
But isn't his wife in France?
278
00:11:21,524 --> 00:11:22,857
Yeah, but they skype
every day.
279
00:11:22,859 --> 00:11:25,526
They're like the french jetsons.
280
00:11:25,528 --> 00:11:27,962
He's gonna skype
break up with her?
281
00:11:27,964 --> 00:11:29,430
That is low.
282
00:11:29,432 --> 00:11:32,400
And smart.
Might steal that move one day.
283
00:11:32,402 --> 00:11:34,402
Oh, good, I see
your wrist is better,
284
00:11:34,404 --> 00:11:35,770
And I'm gonna need some help.
285
00:11:35,772 --> 00:11:37,472
The cleaning situation
has gotten
286
00:11:37,474 --> 00:11:40,808
A little complicated.
287
00:11:40,810 --> 00:11:44,278
The spider communities
are at war.
288
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,114
Han, I can't clean.
289
00:11:46,116 --> 00:11:48,082
I'm in the middle
of ruining someone's marriage.
290
00:11:48,084 --> 00:11:51,219
Then, max, please.
Things are escalating quickly.
291
00:11:51,221 --> 00:11:52,887
There was
a discarded piece of ham,
292
00:11:52,889 --> 00:11:56,891
And apparently both kingdoms
thought it was theirs.
293
00:11:56,893 --> 00:11:59,894
Oh, no takers?
294
00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:01,329
All right, enough
with all this texting.
295
00:12:01,331 --> 00:12:02,830
I need to stop this.
296
00:12:02,832 --> 00:12:04,332
I have to go
over to his place tomorrow
297
00:12:04,334 --> 00:12:05,566
And tell him face to face.
298
00:12:05,568 --> 00:12:07,034
Tell him face to face?
299
00:12:07,036 --> 00:12:09,103
I don't even have sex
face to face.
300
00:12:13,542 --> 00:12:16,043
I hope nicolas takes my
breaking it off with him okay,
301
00:12:16,045 --> 00:12:17,545
Because in my fantasy
when I told him,
302
00:12:17,547 --> 00:12:19,147
He wouldn't take no
for an answer,
303
00:12:19,149 --> 00:12:20,648
Bought me a plane,
and I gave jennifer lawrence
304
00:12:20,650 --> 00:12:22,049
A ride home.
305
00:12:22,051 --> 00:12:23,718
In my fantasy,
306
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,219
A talking dragon
gave me a cape
307
00:12:25,221 --> 00:12:27,722
That belonged to jesus.
308
00:12:27,724 --> 00:12:29,490
But that's probably
because I took too many
309
00:12:29,492 --> 00:12:32,660
Of deke's vicodin earlier.
310
00:12:32,662 --> 00:12:34,829
The lobby told me
you were on your way up.
311
00:12:34,831 --> 00:12:37,064
Caroline, I did not expect you.
312
00:12:37,066 --> 00:12:39,934
But you knew
I'd be coming?
313
00:12:39,936 --> 00:12:42,670
We need to talk, and max is here
for moral support.
314
00:12:42,672 --> 00:12:43,905
I know how this works
by now.
315
00:12:43,907 --> 00:12:45,406
Come in.
316
00:12:45,408 --> 00:12:47,208
Okay, how do I put this?
317
00:12:47,210 --> 00:12:49,243
How do I put this?
Nicolas,
318
00:12:49,245 --> 00:12:53,347
I came here today
to tell you...
319
00:12:53,349 --> 00:12:55,616
To not do that.
320
00:12:55,618 --> 00:12:58,252
But why?
I want you so much.
321
00:12:58,254 --> 00:12:59,921
Okay, you--
you don't want me.
322
00:12:59,923 --> 00:13:01,255
You don't even
really know me.
323
00:13:01,257 --> 00:13:03,624
I do. You're sexy
and funny and pretty
324
00:13:03,626 --> 00:13:04,926
And smart.
325
00:13:04,928 --> 00:13:07,094
Okay, you know me
a little.
326
00:13:07,096 --> 00:13:09,297
Look, I am not
the type of person
327
00:13:09,299 --> 00:13:11,098
Who breaks up marriages.
328
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,333
No, she's the "almost" girl.
329
00:13:12,335 --> 00:13:14,669
She almost
breaks up marriages.
330
00:13:14,671 --> 00:13:16,504
Yes, yes,
that's who I am.
331
00:13:16,506 --> 00:13:17,939
So I don't want you
to make that call
332
00:13:17,941 --> 00:13:19,273
And break up with your wife
over skype.
333
00:13:19,275 --> 00:13:21,342
I am not breaking up with her
over skype.
334
00:13:21,344 --> 00:13:24,111
Okay, great, perfect.
No skype.
335
00:13:24,113 --> 00:13:25,479
No.
[door buzzes]
336
00:13:25,481 --> 00:13:28,015
Because that's her
in the lobby.
337
00:13:28,017 --> 00:13:31,085
I'm breaking up with her
in person.
338
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:39,560
[door buzzing]
339
00:13:39,562 --> 00:13:41,796
Oh, my god, that's your wife
in the lobby?
340
00:13:41,798 --> 00:13:43,130
Your wife is here?
341
00:13:43,132 --> 00:13:44,365
What are we gonna do?
342
00:13:44,367 --> 00:13:46,300
Calm down.
I can fix this.
343
00:13:46,302 --> 00:13:47,902
You need a fake mustache,
a fistful of paprika,
344
00:13:47,904 --> 00:13:49,537
And a new passport.
345
00:13:49,539 --> 00:13:50,905
If you don't have
all three of those things,
346
00:13:50,907 --> 00:13:52,306
I can make it work with two,
347
00:13:52,308 --> 00:13:55,276
As long as one of them
is a mustache.
348
00:13:55,278 --> 00:13:57,278
There's no other way out.
349
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,046
Come on, max, we have to get
out of here now.
350
00:13:59,048 --> 00:14:01,082
Oh, oh, yeah, and, uh,
351
00:14:01,084 --> 00:14:02,383
Don't leave your wife for me.
352
00:14:02,385 --> 00:14:03,618
Whatever we had, it's over.
353
00:14:03,620 --> 00:14:05,253
Oh, and...
354
00:14:05,255 --> 00:14:06,888
This shouldn't reflect badly
on me in school,
355
00:14:06,890 --> 00:14:09,156
'cause I worked hard
for that c-minus.
356
00:14:09,158 --> 00:14:11,325
Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.
357
00:14:11,327 --> 00:14:13,728
Okay, but only because she just
got out of the elevator.
358
00:14:13,730 --> 00:14:16,430
She can't find me here.
I can't be this girl.
359
00:14:16,432 --> 00:14:19,000
I don't want to be the whore
he's leaving her for.
360
00:14:19,002 --> 00:14:20,268
[gasps]
that's my favorite
361
00:14:20,270 --> 00:14:22,136
Dr. Seuss book.
362
00:14:22,138 --> 00:14:23,938
Caroline, what are you saying?
363
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:26,240
You were just leading me on
this whole time?
364
00:14:26,242 --> 00:14:29,510
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, pepe le pew.
365
00:14:29,512 --> 00:14:32,313
And, yes, I've been saving
that one for after finals.
366
00:14:32,315 --> 00:14:34,115
It is not just caroline.
367
00:14:34,117 --> 00:14:36,017
You're been chasing after her
harder than a fat kid
368
00:14:36,019 --> 00:14:38,252
In a rolling doughnut contest.
369
00:14:38,254 --> 00:14:40,655
That's true.
Wait, wait, caroline.
370
00:14:40,657 --> 00:14:42,089
Do we still have a shot
or not?
371
00:14:42,091 --> 00:14:43,324
No.
372
00:14:43,326 --> 00:14:44,859
Then better go hide
in the bathroom.
373
00:14:44,861 --> 00:14:46,527
I don't want this screwing up
my marriage.
374
00:14:46,529 --> 00:14:48,296
Both: What?
375
00:14:48,298 --> 00:14:49,864
Well, if you're not going
to be with me,
376
00:14:49,866 --> 00:14:51,966
I'm going to have to stay
with my wife.
377
00:14:51,968 --> 00:14:54,602
I mean, I'm a man.
I cannot be alone.
378
00:14:54,604 --> 00:14:55,937
Now, go, go, go.
379
00:14:55,939 --> 00:14:57,405
She cannot find you here
in our apartment.
380
00:14:57,407 --> 00:14:58,873
Why don't you just tell her
the truth,
381
00:14:58,875 --> 00:15:00,441
That nothing happened
between us?
382
00:15:00,443 --> 00:15:01,709
She will not believe me.
383
00:15:01,711 --> 00:15:02,944
I have a history.
384
00:15:02,946 --> 00:15:04,612
There are two of us here.
385
00:15:04,614 --> 00:15:07,949
I also have that history.
386
00:15:07,951 --> 00:15:09,216
[knock at door]
387
00:15:09,218 --> 00:15:10,451
Nicolas, c'est moi.
388
00:15:10,453 --> 00:15:12,186
Now go, please.
389
00:15:12,188 --> 00:15:13,587
That's the least you can do
after ruining my life.
390
00:15:13,589 --> 00:15:15,856
Almost.
Almost ruined your life.
391
00:15:15,858 --> 00:15:17,091
Come on, max.
392
00:15:17,093 --> 00:15:19,393
This is totally inconvenient.
393
00:15:19,395 --> 00:15:23,164
My "c" better go up
to a "b."
394
00:15:26,802 --> 00:15:29,637
This is crazy, us hiding
in a married man's bathroom
395
00:15:29,639 --> 00:15:31,939
Like a couple of cheap floozies.
396
00:15:31,941 --> 00:15:34,141
So far, I'm just hearing
a factual depiction
397
00:15:34,143 --> 00:15:36,577
Of what's happening here.
398
00:15:36,579 --> 00:15:39,613
Let me see what's going on.
399
00:15:39,615 --> 00:15:43,017
[both speaking french]
400
00:15:45,721 --> 00:15:47,088
I can't understand them.
401
00:15:47,090 --> 00:15:48,422
I thought you spoke french.
402
00:15:48,424 --> 00:15:51,625
Only enough
to impress americans.
403
00:15:51,627 --> 00:15:53,894
(juliette)
je dois utiliser les toilettes.
404
00:15:53,896 --> 00:15:55,563
Oh, my god.
Les toilettes.
405
00:15:55,565 --> 00:15:57,365
Les toilettes,
that's where we are.
406
00:15:57,367 --> 00:16:00,234
She's coming in here!
What should we do?
407
00:16:00,236 --> 00:16:02,370
Pretend we're hot plumbers?
408
00:16:02,372 --> 00:16:05,439
Hide in the shower.
409
00:16:10,412 --> 00:16:12,646
I think she might notice us.
410
00:16:16,084 --> 00:16:18,719
You know that's all glass,
right?
411
00:16:18,721 --> 00:16:20,588
Let me just get you
a clean hand towel.
412
00:16:20,590 --> 00:16:22,256
She has to pee-pee.
413
00:16:22,258 --> 00:16:23,891
She can't come in here
to use the toilet,
414
00:16:23,893 --> 00:16:26,427
'cause my life is in it.
415
00:16:26,429 --> 00:16:28,062
I know, this is unfortunate.
416
00:16:28,064 --> 00:16:29,363
So go out the window.
417
00:16:29,365 --> 00:16:31,165
What?
418
00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:33,067
It's not a problem.
419
00:16:33,069 --> 00:16:34,869
There's a ledge wide enough
for you to walk
420
00:16:34,871 --> 00:16:37,204
To the neighbor's terrace,
jump, and get away.
421
00:16:37,206 --> 00:16:39,240
Stephanie did it.
422
00:16:39,242 --> 00:16:40,875
Who's stephanie?
423
00:16:40,877 --> 00:16:42,843
That's...Not important.
424
00:16:42,845 --> 00:16:45,012
She's fine.
425
00:16:45,014 --> 00:16:48,115
Now go.
You have to go.
426
00:16:48,117 --> 00:16:49,950
Unless you think
you and I still have a shot.
427
00:16:49,952 --> 00:16:53,354
I'll be on the ledge.
428
00:16:55,424 --> 00:16:56,657
Come on, max.
429
00:16:56,659 --> 00:16:59,627
No way, not happening, lucy.
430
00:16:59,629 --> 00:17:01,662
If he loses
his bad marriage,
431
00:17:01,664 --> 00:17:03,264
I'm responsible.
432
00:17:03,266 --> 00:17:05,599
Almost.
Almost responsible.
433
00:17:05,601 --> 00:17:07,535
Max, I wouldn't even be
in this situation
434
00:17:07,537 --> 00:17:09,303
If I wasn't working with him
to put you
435
00:17:09,305 --> 00:17:10,604
Through pastry school.
436
00:17:10,606 --> 00:17:12,006
Oh, so this is my fault?
437
00:17:12,008 --> 00:17:15,076
Max, please just let it
be your fault.
438
00:17:20,115 --> 00:17:22,450
It's completely doable.
439
00:17:22,452 --> 00:17:25,219
By the way, it's raining.
440
00:17:25,221 --> 00:17:26,620
Come on.
We can do this.
441
00:17:26,622 --> 00:17:27,988
We've crawled 15 feet
on our roof
442
00:17:27,990 --> 00:17:29,390
To get illegal cable.
443
00:17:29,392 --> 00:17:32,560
Yeah, for the breaking bad
finale!
444
00:17:32,562 --> 00:17:34,628
Something worth dying for!
445
00:17:37,365 --> 00:17:38,566
Oh.
446
00:17:38,568 --> 00:17:40,634
Oh, my god,
are you insane?
447
00:17:40,636 --> 00:17:42,369
Get back in here!
448
00:17:42,371 --> 00:17:43,971
Max, maybe you're right.
449
00:17:43,973 --> 00:17:47,141
We should've taken
the hot plumber route.
450
00:17:47,143 --> 00:17:49,577
I'm coming back.
451
00:17:49,579 --> 00:17:50,978
My legs won't go!
452
00:17:50,980 --> 00:17:52,780
Max, help me back!
453
00:17:52,782 --> 00:17:58,052
Damn it.
Damn it, bitch.
454
00:17:58,054 --> 00:17:59,954
[speaking french]
455
00:17:59,956 --> 00:18:04,058
She's in the bathroom.
456
00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:05,659
Oh, she closed the window.
457
00:18:05,661 --> 00:18:08,129
[click]
and she locked it. So go.
458
00:18:08,131 --> 00:18:09,730
Go, go!
459
00:18:09,732 --> 00:18:13,234
If stephanie did it,
we can too.
460
00:18:13,236 --> 00:18:15,469
I can't believe we're up here
all because of him.
461
00:18:15,471 --> 00:18:18,239
I am such a bad judge
of character.
462
00:18:18,241 --> 00:18:20,741
Of course you are.
I'm your best friend.
463
00:18:20,743 --> 00:18:23,577
Max, I'm sorry.
This is bad.
464
00:18:23,579 --> 00:18:25,613
Well, at least it can't get
any worse, unless we fall.
465
00:18:25,615 --> 00:18:26,847
[thunder rumbles]
466
00:18:26,849 --> 00:18:29,083
Oh!
Or it starts to hail!
467
00:18:29,085 --> 00:18:31,819
Ow! Ow!
Hurts like "hail!"
468
00:18:31,821 --> 00:18:33,687
It's clear!
Come on!
469
00:18:33,689 --> 00:18:35,923
[whimpers]
I don't wanna die!
470
00:18:35,925 --> 00:18:37,525
Me neither!
471
00:18:37,527 --> 00:18:38,993
That's weird.
472
00:18:38,995 --> 00:18:40,327
For the first time
in my life,
473
00:18:40,329 --> 00:18:41,695
I don't want to die.
474
00:18:41,697 --> 00:18:43,497
I have a boyfriend
and my first "b."
475
00:18:43,499 --> 00:18:45,432
Oh, god, I'm getting soft!
476
00:18:45,434 --> 00:18:47,668
I can't die!
I haven't made my comeback yet.
477
00:18:47,670 --> 00:18:50,204
In my fantasy, you and I move
into that penthouse I bought
478
00:18:50,206 --> 00:18:51,605
From jennifer lawrence.
479
00:18:51,607 --> 00:18:55,109
Right over there,
with the roof garden, see?
480
00:18:55,111 --> 00:18:57,178
[screams]
481
00:18:59,915 --> 00:19:01,615
[screams]
are you two all right?
482
00:19:01,617 --> 00:19:05,686
I mean, whoever you are.
483
00:19:05,688 --> 00:19:07,922
Am I dead?
484
00:19:07,924 --> 00:19:10,958
Almost. Almost dead.
485
00:19:16,464 --> 00:19:19,366
Oh, my god.
486
00:19:19,368 --> 00:19:21,068
What happened to you two?
487
00:19:21,070 --> 00:19:22,736
Well, we crashed
through a window.
488
00:19:22,738 --> 00:19:24,538
It was pretty dope.
489
00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:26,073
It was kinda like
a die hardmovie,
490
00:19:26,075 --> 00:19:29,310
If they ever let girls do
cool stuff in those movies.
491
00:19:29,312 --> 00:19:30,911
The necks all right?
492
00:19:30,913 --> 00:19:33,247
We have whiplash, and I have
some bruises on my back.
493
00:19:33,249 --> 00:19:35,316
Max took the brunt of the fall
but feels nothing
494
00:19:35,318 --> 00:19:38,052
Because she's mostly made
of vicodin.
495
00:19:38,054 --> 00:19:39,920
Well, I'm glad you survived,
496
00:19:39,922 --> 00:19:41,822
Because I don't know
what I would do
497
00:19:41,824 --> 00:19:43,157
Without you around here.
498
00:19:43,159 --> 00:19:46,260
Aw, thanks, earl.
499
00:19:46,262 --> 00:19:48,996
[whispers]
I meant you.
500
00:19:48,998 --> 00:19:51,665
I know.
501
00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:53,634
Max, how were you
ever strong enough
502
00:19:53,636 --> 00:19:55,336
To hold me up
with one arm?
503
00:19:55,338 --> 00:19:56,637
It's the arm I used to drag
my mother
504
00:19:56,639 --> 00:19:59,673
Out of bars with
as a baby.
505
00:19:59,675 --> 00:20:02,076
Well, I want to say
something to you.
506
00:20:02,078 --> 00:20:04,745
I hope you know
that if you were the one
507
00:20:04,747 --> 00:20:06,480
That slipped on that ledge--
508
00:20:06,482 --> 00:20:09,683
I would be dead.
509
00:20:09,685 --> 00:20:13,420
Well, I'm glad that's
out in the open.
510
00:20:13,422 --> 00:20:14,655
Everybody!
511
00:20:14,657 --> 00:20:18,759
I have an update
about my life!
512
00:20:18,761 --> 00:20:19,994
Oh, whoa.
513
00:20:19,996 --> 00:20:21,762
What happened to you two?
514
00:20:21,764 --> 00:20:24,431
Sophie, we had an accident.
It's a long story.
515
00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:28,335
Yeah, all of yours are.
516
00:20:28,337 --> 00:20:29,603
(sophie)
well,
517
00:20:29,605 --> 00:20:32,039
I'm out of the movie business.
518
00:20:32,041 --> 00:20:34,942
I broke up with my bigwig
from miramax.
519
00:20:34,944 --> 00:20:36,710
We got in a huge fight,
520
00:20:36,712 --> 00:20:40,648
And he threw
his big wig at me.
521
00:20:40,650 --> 00:20:44,051
He told me I'd never eat lunch
in this town again.
522
00:20:44,053 --> 00:20:46,353
And I said, "hey,
523
00:20:46,355 --> 00:20:49,556
If I'm in town,
I'm eating lunch, baby!"
524
00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:54,395
Oh, no.
525
00:20:54,397 --> 00:20:57,298
No, no, no, I don't have
spider bites over half my body
526
00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:59,967
So you two could fake
another injury.
527
00:20:59,969 --> 00:21:01,235
Nice try.
528
00:21:01,237 --> 00:21:03,270
Oh!
529
00:21:03,272 --> 00:21:06,707
Ooh, I'll bet that hurts.