1
00:00:01,144 --> 00:00:03,211
Hey, I'm sleeping
at deke's house tonight.
2
00:00:03,213 --> 00:00:05,180
Wink, wink, winky-wink.
3
00:00:05,182 --> 00:00:09,317
Deke's house? You mean
your boyfriend's dumpster?
4
00:00:09,319 --> 00:00:11,386
Yeah. So I need a, uh--
5
00:00:11,388 --> 00:00:13,388
Tetanus shot?
6
00:00:13,390 --> 00:00:15,390
Higher standards?
7
00:00:15,392 --> 00:00:17,259
No, a condom.
8
00:00:17,261 --> 00:00:19,928
I'm about to have sex,
and I want it to feel bad.
9
00:00:19,930 --> 00:00:23,365
I should have one in my purse
from the last time I had sex.
10
00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:25,534
They had purses
the last time you had sex?
11
00:00:25,536 --> 00:00:29,337
No, we carried animal hides
tied with sticks.
12
00:00:29,339 --> 00:00:31,339
It hasn't been that long.
13
00:00:31,341 --> 00:00:36,845
Oh, here's one next to this
movie ticket stub from precious.
14
00:00:36,847 --> 00:00:38,380
Okay, it's been that long.
15
00:00:38,382 --> 00:00:41,783
You saw precious
without a condom?
16
00:00:41,785 --> 00:00:45,253
It says, "best if used
before September 2012."
17
00:00:45,255 --> 00:00:47,422
Just like the milk here.
18
00:00:47,424 --> 00:00:49,458
I wish I knew a guy
with a condom.
19
00:00:49,460 --> 00:00:53,462
[whistling]
20
00:00:53,464 --> 00:00:55,864
♪
21
00:00:55,866 --> 00:00:59,468
A man, any man.
22
00:00:59,470 --> 00:01:00,936
Oleg, do you happen to have--
23
00:01:00,938 --> 00:01:03,972
[rings bell]
24
00:01:06,476 --> 00:01:08,210
Okay, this should get you
through the night.
25
00:01:08,212 --> 00:01:09,644
But if it doesn't,
26
00:01:09,646 --> 00:01:14,216
You can use this freezer bag
and a rubber band.
27
00:01:14,218 --> 00:01:16,384
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
28
00:01:16,386 --> 00:01:17,953
[cash register bell dings]
29
00:01:17,955 --> 00:01:23,225
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
30
00:01:28,431 --> 00:01:29,965
Max, I laid out
the little cups,
31
00:01:29,967 --> 00:01:31,733
So all you have to do
is fill them with cole slaw.
32
00:01:31,735 --> 00:01:34,803
Said the girl who was on the
forbes "top ten to watch" list.
33
00:01:34,805 --> 00:01:37,139
I can't do
my side work tonight.
34
00:01:37,141 --> 00:01:38,773
Normally I'd say
it's because I'm drunk,
35
00:01:38,775 --> 00:01:41,943
But tonight it's because
my back hurts and I'm drunk.
36
00:01:41,945 --> 00:01:43,578
Here, babe,
I got you something
37
00:01:43,580 --> 00:01:44,913
That might help
your back feel better.
38
00:01:44,915 --> 00:01:47,315
A breast reduction?
39
00:01:47,317 --> 00:01:50,218
No!
40
00:01:51,754 --> 00:01:55,824
Why would you spit
in the face of god?
41
00:01:55,826 --> 00:01:59,861
Everybody, calm down.
Those aren't going anywhere.
42
00:01:59,863 --> 00:02:03,031
And if they are,
I am going with them.
43
00:02:03,033 --> 00:02:05,800
I got some cooling patches
to soothe her muscles.
44
00:02:05,802 --> 00:02:07,802
And when that doesn't work,
45
00:02:07,804 --> 00:02:11,139
I have another brand
called "maui wowie."
46
00:02:11,141 --> 00:02:12,641
[bell rings]
(oleg)
pickup.
47
00:02:12,643 --> 00:02:15,343
I'll see you later.
Love you.
Love you.
48
00:02:15,345 --> 00:02:17,546
Deke, breath.
What is that?
49
00:02:17,548 --> 00:02:20,148
Teriyaki beef jerky.
Why, is it bad?
50
00:02:20,150 --> 00:02:23,585
No. Give me another hit.
51
00:02:25,488 --> 00:02:27,856
That is delicious.
52
00:02:27,858 --> 00:02:30,358
You know it.
53
00:02:34,497 --> 00:02:36,331
Max, since you guys
are getting serious,
54
00:02:36,333 --> 00:02:37,632
Why not go on the pill,
55
00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:38,967
So every night
you won't have to play
56
00:02:38,969 --> 00:02:41,703
"what can we turn
into a condom?"
57
00:02:41,705 --> 00:02:43,872
The pill is, like,
50 bucks a month.
58
00:02:43,874 --> 00:02:46,741
That's more than it costs
to raise a damn baby.
59
00:02:46,743 --> 00:02:50,545
Well, your boyfriend's rich.
He can afford to pay for it.
60
00:02:50,547 --> 00:02:54,583
Great, now I'm
a white trash mom.
61
00:02:54,585 --> 00:02:56,184
Uh-uh, no way.
62
00:02:56,186 --> 00:02:58,553
I'm saving deke's fortune
for more important things,
63
00:02:58,555 --> 00:03:01,923
Like doritos dinamita.
64
00:03:01,925 --> 00:03:04,859
Pretty much the filet mignon
of corn chips.
65
00:03:04,861 --> 00:03:06,928
I mean, I'd be
on the pill right now,
66
00:03:06,930 --> 00:03:08,830
But the one man interested
in me is married,
67
00:03:08,832 --> 00:03:11,600
So I guess
that's more of a bitter pill.
68
00:03:11,602 --> 00:03:13,268
Seriously, max.
Think about it.
69
00:03:13,270 --> 00:03:15,770
[scoffs] fine. Why don't
guys have to take the pill?
70
00:03:15,772 --> 00:03:19,574
We have to take all the pills.
Birth control, midol, roofies...
71
00:03:20,743 --> 00:03:23,078
Bonjour, caroline.
72
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,248
Chef nicolas.
What are you doing in the diner?
73
00:03:26,250 --> 00:03:28,583
Oh, no, I never wanted you
to see me wearing this.
74
00:03:28,585 --> 00:03:30,552
Yeah, so be a gentleman
and take a step back,
75
00:03:30,554 --> 00:03:34,256
'cause as bad as it looks,
it smells worse.
76
00:03:34,258 --> 00:03:35,890
I think you look beautiful.
77
00:03:35,892 --> 00:03:38,960
Your wife looks beautiful.
78
00:03:38,962 --> 00:03:43,598
Oh, yeah.
Get it, girl.
79
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:44,966
May I see you alone
over there in the, uh...
80
00:03:44,968 --> 00:03:48,203
I guess one would call it
a restaurant?
81
00:03:48,205 --> 00:03:49,971
But just for a minute.
I'm working.
82
00:03:49,973 --> 00:03:51,206
[sniffs]
83
00:03:51,208 --> 00:03:52,607
What's that smell?
84
00:03:52,609 --> 00:03:54,409
That's today's special.
Beef pot pie.
85
00:03:54,411 --> 00:03:55,977
Oh, it doesn't
smell like beef.
86
00:03:55,979 --> 00:03:57,712
That's because it's not beef,
87
00:03:57,714 --> 00:04:01,416
It's not made today,
and it's not special.
88
00:04:01,418 --> 00:04:02,617
Listen, caroline.
89
00:04:02,619 --> 00:04:04,486
We have
all this relationship drama,
90
00:04:04,488 --> 00:04:06,288
And we're not even
in a relationship.
91
00:04:06,290 --> 00:04:08,623
Please get
to know me better.
92
00:04:08,625 --> 00:04:09,991
Come to my home
for dinner.
93
00:04:09,993 --> 00:04:12,494
Dinner at your home,
just you and me?
94
00:04:12,496 --> 00:04:14,095
How do you think your wife
would feel about that?
95
00:04:14,097 --> 00:04:15,930
We have
an open relationship.
96
00:04:15,932 --> 00:04:17,732
Did you think
I'm the type of man
97
00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:22,304
Who would have sex with another
woman without asking my wife?
98
00:04:22,306 --> 00:04:24,973
That is so american.
99
00:04:26,509 --> 00:04:27,509
Max?
100
00:04:27,511 --> 00:04:28,977
Why are you calling max?
101
00:04:28,979 --> 00:04:30,812
I want to make sure
I haven't lost my mind.
102
00:04:30,814 --> 00:04:33,448
Nicolas said he told
his wife about me,
103
00:04:33,450 --> 00:04:35,750
And she gave him permission
for us to sleep together.
104
00:04:35,752 --> 00:04:38,987
Ha! Good one!
105
00:04:38,989 --> 00:04:42,257
My boss at quiznos once told me
his wife's dying wish
106
00:04:42,259 --> 00:04:45,827
Was that I let him
motorboat me.
107
00:04:45,829 --> 00:04:49,831
Okay, so she may have been
motorboated out of quiznos.
108
00:04:49,833 --> 00:04:51,766
But I am not
falling for this.
109
00:04:51,768 --> 00:04:53,768
Yes, I thought
you wouldn't believe me,
110
00:04:53,770 --> 00:04:56,705
So I set up a skype call
with her from France on Friday.
111
00:04:56,707 --> 00:05:01,209
Wait, you want me to skype
with your wife about sex?
112
00:05:01,211 --> 00:05:03,345
Am I on dr. Phil?
113
00:05:03,347 --> 00:05:06,715
Hey, everybody.
114
00:05:08,951 --> 00:05:13,121
I got a new dress,
and it's bitchin'.
115
00:05:14,123 --> 00:05:16,624
Oh.
116
00:05:16,626 --> 00:05:20,729
Hey, look at him.
Oh.
117
00:05:20,731 --> 00:05:25,333
Nobody told me they added
beefcake to the menu.
118
00:05:25,335 --> 00:05:27,836
Excuse me,
beefcake has been on the menu
119
00:05:27,838 --> 00:05:31,039
Since I started working here.
120
00:05:31,041 --> 00:05:34,809
Wow, wow.
121
00:05:34,811 --> 00:05:37,045
Finally...
122
00:05:37,047 --> 00:05:40,815
There's somebody in the diner
as good-looking as me.
123
00:05:40,817 --> 00:05:42,817
[laughs]
124
00:05:42,819 --> 00:05:44,853
Hi, I'm sophie kuchenski.
125
00:05:44,855 --> 00:05:46,588
Nicolas saintcroix.
126
00:05:46,590 --> 00:05:47,989
[gasps]
ah!
127
00:05:47,991 --> 00:05:50,258
And he's french too?
128
00:05:50,260 --> 00:05:53,528
Oh, come on!
129
00:05:53,530 --> 00:05:56,831
I'm sorry, I was in the middle
of a conversation with caroline.
130
00:05:56,833 --> 00:06:01,770
[sighs, moans]
131
00:06:01,772 --> 00:06:03,438
Who?
132
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,840
Me, the one whose feet
you're standing on.
133
00:06:05,842 --> 00:06:08,042
Oh.
134
00:06:08,044 --> 00:06:10,178
Oh, wait a minute.
135
00:06:10,180 --> 00:06:12,680
Is this the married guy?
136
00:06:12,682 --> 00:06:16,785
Oh, girl!
137
00:06:16,787 --> 00:06:20,855
I'm gonna give you two days'
head start, and then he's mine!
138
00:06:20,857 --> 00:06:23,491
[laughs]
139
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:33,601
Why do you care what his wife
thinks about your hair?
140
00:06:33,603 --> 00:06:35,703
You're not gonna be
sleeping with her.
141
00:06:35,705 --> 00:06:38,873
Although you'd be a lot
more interesting if you did.
142
00:06:38,875 --> 00:06:40,975
I'm not gonna be
sleeping with him either.
143
00:06:40,977 --> 00:06:43,878
And when I tell his wife that,
I want to look good doing it.
144
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,880
I have to look
20% better than her.
145
00:06:45,882 --> 00:06:47,882
And since skype makes you
look 20% worse,
146
00:06:47,884 --> 00:06:50,618
I have to look
40% better than I do now.
147
00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:53,321
You realize talking about math
in a hair salon
148
00:06:53,323 --> 00:06:56,491
Is my worst nightmare, right?
149
00:06:56,493 --> 00:06:58,226
Welcome
to the tristan evans salon.
150
00:06:58,228 --> 00:07:01,930
Hi, hello. We're here for the...
[quietly] student haircut.
151
00:07:01,932 --> 00:07:03,798
I'm sorry?
152
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,167
The $6 haircuts
for poor people
153
00:07:06,169 --> 00:07:08,770
From the people who don't really
know how to cut hair yet.
154
00:07:08,772 --> 00:07:11,739
Max, that's not true.
This is the tristan evans salon.
155
00:07:11,741 --> 00:07:14,442
I'm sure that everyone that's
enrolled here is a genius.
156
00:07:14,444 --> 00:07:16,644
At least tell me
they're gay.
157
00:07:16,646 --> 00:07:18,580
Just have a seat over there.
158
00:07:18,582 --> 00:07:20,415
I'll have somebody come up
from the hair school and--
shh!
159
00:07:20,417 --> 00:07:22,584
So loud.
160
00:07:22,586 --> 00:07:24,252
Hair school. Got it.
161
00:07:24,254 --> 00:07:26,921
We'll just take a seat
over there till they arrive.
162
00:07:26,923 --> 00:07:29,858
Girl, you just sit there,
relax,
163
00:07:29,860 --> 00:07:32,927
And let jameis
make this head major.
164
00:07:32,929 --> 00:07:36,431
So weird, 'cause I majored
in head. [chuckles]
165
00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:39,834
Girl, you are all everything.
166
00:07:39,836 --> 00:07:41,769
Ah--oh!
[chuckles]
167
00:07:41,771 --> 00:07:43,271
That's a little cold.
168
00:07:43,273 --> 00:07:44,772
I'm sorry,
what was your name again?
169
00:07:44,774 --> 00:07:46,975
Dan.
170
00:07:46,977 --> 00:07:49,277
Uh-huh. Dan?
So just dan?
171
00:07:49,279 --> 00:07:51,946
You're not, like,
a danny or a dantrell?
172
00:07:51,948 --> 00:07:55,049
Dan.
173
00:07:55,051 --> 00:07:57,285
I need to get
conditioner.
174
00:07:57,287 --> 00:07:59,854
Damn it, max,
I got a straight one.
175
00:07:59,856 --> 00:08:01,523
What makes you think
he's straight?
176
00:08:01,525 --> 00:08:05,960
He keeps pushing my head down
before I'm ready.
177
00:08:07,730 --> 00:08:09,063
Is the water too warm?
178
00:08:09,065 --> 00:08:12,834
Why? Are my pants too wet?
179
00:08:12,836 --> 00:08:15,236
Girl, are we in love?
180
00:08:15,238 --> 00:08:17,872
Max, I need you
to give me your gay.
181
00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:19,807
[scoffs]
yeah, right.
182
00:08:19,809 --> 00:08:23,044
I'd give you my left nut
before I give you my gay.
183
00:08:23,046 --> 00:08:25,246
You weren't even
gonna get your hair done.
184
00:08:25,248 --> 00:08:26,981
Yeah, but I always
wanted to know
185
00:08:26,983 --> 00:08:28,983
What it felt like
to get a shampoo
186
00:08:28,985 --> 00:08:32,520
Without a school nurse running
that tiny comb through my hair.
187
00:08:32,522 --> 00:08:33,721
Dan?
188
00:08:33,723 --> 00:08:34,989
I have a magazine
over there
189
00:08:34,991 --> 00:08:38,026
With a photo of a chic,
piece-y, choppy bob.
190
00:08:38,028 --> 00:08:39,060
You can do that, right?
191
00:08:39,062 --> 00:08:40,061
Sure.
192
00:08:40,063 --> 00:08:42,463
Piece-y bob. Got it.
193
00:08:44,533 --> 00:08:45,533
'sup?
194
00:08:45,535 --> 00:08:50,171
Dan, dan, dan!
195
00:08:50,173 --> 00:08:54,909
Okay, done.
You're ready to cut.
196
00:08:54,911 --> 00:08:59,047
Let's go. I can't risk some
discount hetero cutting my hair.
197
00:08:59,049 --> 00:09:02,517
I'll see you at home.
I'm pretty close to a hairgasm.
198
00:09:02,519 --> 00:09:03,952
[scoffs]
that should've been mine.
199
00:09:03,954 --> 00:09:06,588
I haven't had
a hairgasm in years.
200
00:09:06,590 --> 00:09:08,723
She hasn't had
any gasm in years.
201
00:09:08,725 --> 00:09:10,992
Ooh!
202
00:09:14,296 --> 00:09:17,599
[caroline gasps]
203
00:09:17,601 --> 00:09:19,934
Oh, my god!
204
00:09:19,936 --> 00:09:24,105
Max, is that hair
your new form of birth control?
205
00:09:24,107 --> 00:09:26,274
You look like dame edna.
206
00:09:26,276 --> 00:09:29,544
That's what I asked for!
207
00:09:29,546 --> 00:09:31,512
Hellooo!
208
00:09:33,415 --> 00:09:36,117
Now my outside
matches my inside
209
00:09:36,119 --> 00:09:38,052
Because I've always been
an old drag queen
210
00:09:38,054 --> 00:09:40,888
Trapped inside the body
of a young black girl.
211
00:09:40,890 --> 00:09:44,926
[knock on door]
212
00:09:44,928 --> 00:09:47,261
Hellooo!
213
00:09:47,263 --> 00:09:48,896
Oh, hi, max.
214
00:09:48,898 --> 00:09:51,232
Oh, I used to wear
my hair like that.
215
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:55,637
I used it to smuggle cheese
and cigarettes into the prison.
216
00:09:55,639 --> 00:09:57,472
Oh, hey, caroline.
217
00:09:57,474 --> 00:09:59,273
Just checking.
218
00:09:59,275 --> 00:10:00,942
Still not sleeping
with that french guy
219
00:10:00,944 --> 00:10:02,944
That I'm sleeping with?
220
00:10:02,946 --> 00:10:05,013
Still not, sophie.
He's married.
221
00:10:05,015 --> 00:10:06,848
Well, good.
222
00:10:06,850 --> 00:10:07,949
'cause I'm here
to talk to that wife
223
00:10:07,951 --> 00:10:11,252
And throw my hoo-ha
into the ring.
224
00:10:11,254 --> 00:10:13,321
I even bought myself
a flat french hat
225
00:10:13,323 --> 00:10:15,323
To make me more french.
226
00:10:15,325 --> 00:10:17,025
Yeah, I got me the hat
227
00:10:17,027 --> 00:10:20,995
'cause I didn't have time
to grow out my pits.
228
00:10:20,997 --> 00:10:25,299
Okay, the call is in one minute.
I'll just do it from here.
229
00:10:25,301 --> 00:10:27,035
I was planning to be holding
my louis vuitton shopping bag,
230
00:10:27,037 --> 00:10:29,103
But the cat took a dump in it.
231
00:10:29,105 --> 00:10:31,372
And, max, bring that lamp
closer to my face,
232
00:10:31,374 --> 00:10:33,307
So I don't have
eight skype chins.
233
00:10:33,309 --> 00:10:37,145
Fine, but if I get too close to
the bulb, my hair might blow up.
234
00:10:37,147 --> 00:10:38,179
[skype chiming]
235
00:10:38,181 --> 00:10:39,280
Here she is.
236
00:10:39,282 --> 00:10:40,615
Sophie, good-bye.
237
00:10:40,617 --> 00:10:42,884
Oh, no, I'm not leaving, baby.
238
00:10:42,886 --> 00:10:45,820
That french hottie and I
are perfect for each other.
239
00:10:45,822 --> 00:10:47,555
I mean, look at me.
240
00:10:47,557 --> 00:10:51,159
I'm wearing a beret.
I have a baguette.
241
00:10:51,161 --> 00:10:54,962
Bonjour, bitches!
242
00:10:54,964 --> 00:10:58,966
Okay, take a deep breath, and
remember, this is ridiculous.
243
00:11:02,805 --> 00:11:04,072
Bonjour, caroline.
244
00:11:04,074 --> 00:11:06,040
Bonjour.
You must be juliette.
245
00:11:06,042 --> 00:11:07,508
It is nice to meet you.
246
00:11:07,510 --> 00:11:09,310
And you as well, juliette.
247
00:11:09,312 --> 00:11:11,045
I just want to set the record
straight about nicolas and I.
248
00:11:11,047 --> 00:11:12,580
I am not the type of--
249
00:11:12,582 --> 00:11:15,516
Yes, you have my permission
to sleep with nicolas.
250
00:11:15,518 --> 00:11:18,019
Au revoir.
[skype chimes]
251
00:11:18,021 --> 00:11:20,321
That's it? She's gone?
252
00:11:20,323 --> 00:11:24,325
I didn't even get to say
"hos before bros" in french.
253
00:11:24,327 --> 00:11:26,194
So much more to say.
254
00:11:26,196 --> 00:11:27,495
What more is there to say?
255
00:11:27,497 --> 00:11:32,333
She said
we could sleep with him.
256
00:11:32,335 --> 00:11:34,268
No, I'm never
sleeping with nicolas,
257
00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:36,037
No matter what his wife says.
258
00:11:36,039 --> 00:11:38,239
Good, 'cause you could never
share a french guy.
259
00:11:38,241 --> 00:11:40,508
You won't even share
your french toast.
260
00:11:46,548 --> 00:11:48,182
Thanks for coming.
261
00:11:48,184 --> 00:11:49,417
I promise, just one drink
at nicolas's,
262
00:11:49,419 --> 00:11:51,052
And then we'll
go to the movies.
263
00:11:51,054 --> 00:11:52,253
And, max, I can't
believe you went out
264
00:11:52,255 --> 00:11:53,955
With that hair in public.
265
00:11:53,957 --> 00:11:55,723
I like it.
266
00:11:55,725 --> 00:11:59,026
You look like my aunt esther,
but not as hot.
267
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,029
Oh, caroline.
268
00:12:02,031 --> 00:12:03,731
I see you brought deke
269
00:12:03,733 --> 00:12:06,534
And max's mother?
270
00:12:06,536 --> 00:12:08,936
The only thing this hair
and my mother
271
00:12:08,938 --> 00:12:11,405
Have in common
is they're both high.
272
00:12:11,407 --> 00:12:13,608
Nicolas, I'm not staying.
273
00:12:13,610 --> 00:12:15,409
I know you went to a lot
of trouble with dinner,
274
00:12:15,411 --> 00:12:18,246
So I didn't want to be rude, but
we can only stay for one drink.
275
00:12:18,248 --> 00:12:19,747
God, you look beautiful.
276
00:12:19,749 --> 00:12:21,048
Maybe two drinks.
277
00:12:21,050 --> 00:12:23,284
But definitely no dinner.
278
00:12:24,653 --> 00:12:26,454
[burps]
279
00:12:26,456 --> 00:12:30,625
Well, that dinner we weren't
staying for was delicious.
280
00:12:30,627 --> 00:12:33,961
Yeah, we should
not stay more often.
281
00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:36,097
I like your loft, man.
282
00:12:36,099 --> 00:12:37,431
It's the perfect place
to live
283
00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:39,967
If you like to commit
really sexy crimes.
284
00:12:39,969 --> 00:12:41,402
Well, we should go.
285
00:12:41,404 --> 00:12:43,404
No. You're not staying
for dessert?
286
00:12:43,406 --> 00:12:44,972
You're breaking my heart.
287
00:12:44,974 --> 00:12:48,276
Well, maybe just one piece.
We can share it.
288
00:12:48,278 --> 00:12:50,778
[speaks french]
289
00:12:50,780 --> 00:12:53,080
I thought
you didn't want to share.
290
00:12:53,082 --> 00:12:55,650
He's not married
to his dessert, max,
291
00:12:55,652 --> 00:12:57,251
And it's just one piece.
292
00:12:57,253 --> 00:13:00,788
We're here,
so he doesn't get a piece.
293
00:13:00,790 --> 00:13:04,959
You got a pretty sweet setup
for a married man who's single.
294
00:13:04,961 --> 00:13:07,995
Creme caramel
au coconut cake.
295
00:13:07,997 --> 00:13:09,797
Well, it's no fudgie the whale.
296
00:13:09,799 --> 00:13:11,332
Thanks.
297
00:13:11,334 --> 00:13:14,101
I love to cook
for friends.
298
00:13:14,103 --> 00:13:15,670
Beautiful friends.
299
00:13:15,672 --> 00:13:18,506
Nicolas, just because
your wife gave me permission
300
00:13:18,508 --> 00:13:20,341
Does not mean I'm gonna
let you take me over
301
00:13:20,343 --> 00:13:23,945
To that king-size bed with what
looks like really good sheets
302
00:13:23,947 --> 00:13:26,314
And make love to me
all night long.
303
00:13:26,316 --> 00:13:28,816
And then again that morning.
304
00:13:28,818 --> 00:13:31,018
So how's your back, esther?
305
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:32,687
Oh, morty.
306
00:13:32,689 --> 00:13:34,121
I have to tell you something.
307
00:13:34,123 --> 00:13:36,224
Is it your heart?
308
00:13:36,226 --> 00:13:37,625
No, I'm on the pill.
309
00:13:37,627 --> 00:13:40,161
I know.
You're on a lot of pills.
310
00:13:40,163 --> 00:13:41,629
No, a pill-pill.
311
00:13:41,631 --> 00:13:44,198
The pill-pill-pill?
312
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,333
Yeah, see?
313
00:13:45,335 --> 00:13:46,400
You just pop 'em out
one at a time.
314
00:13:46,402 --> 00:13:49,203
They're like pez for sluts.
315
00:13:50,906 --> 00:13:55,309
Speaking of sluts...
316
00:13:56,645 --> 00:13:58,312
Oh, boy, this is awkward.
317
00:13:58,314 --> 00:14:01,215
And I've testified
against half my family.
318
00:14:01,217 --> 00:14:03,251
I agree, max.
319
00:14:03,253 --> 00:14:05,253
Things are
a little uncomfortable.
320
00:14:05,255 --> 00:14:08,823
So why don't we just make this
as weird as possible?
321
00:14:08,825 --> 00:14:12,326
Damn it, I knew
he was gonna kill us.
322
00:14:12,328 --> 00:14:15,329
[tango music plays]
323
00:14:15,331 --> 00:14:16,530
Tango, anyone?
324
00:14:16,532 --> 00:14:19,400
Honestly, I prefer
if you kill us.
325
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:23,371
Okay, well,
we gotta go, esther.
326
00:14:23,373 --> 00:14:26,073
No, morty, sit down!
I'm not missing the show.
327
00:14:26,075 --> 00:14:28,709
It comes with dinner.
328
00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:31,212
Tango? Nicolas,
you cannot be serious.
329
00:14:31,214 --> 00:14:33,881
Oh, maybe you cannot dance,
caroline?
330
00:14:33,883 --> 00:14:35,917
Can't dance?
331
00:14:35,919 --> 00:14:40,254
One summer, I taught ballroom
dance to homeless teens.
332
00:14:40,256 --> 00:14:43,357
Because when you're dancing,
you're not hungry?
333
00:14:47,562 --> 00:14:49,563
Fast-forward.
334
00:14:49,565 --> 00:14:53,935
This is my least favorite part
of the addams family.
335
00:14:53,937 --> 00:14:59,740
♪
336
00:14:59,742 --> 00:15:02,543
Look at his pants.
I know.
337
00:15:02,545 --> 00:15:05,379
That tango is giving him
even less ball room.
338
00:15:05,381 --> 00:15:08,316
[chuckles]
339
00:15:08,318 --> 00:15:10,985
Stay. We don't
have to have sex.
340
00:15:10,987 --> 00:15:12,086
We don't?
341
00:15:12,088 --> 00:15:13,321
I promise.
342
00:15:13,323 --> 00:15:17,458
I have to go to the restroom,
max. So do you.
343
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,595
Come in, come in,
come in, come in, come in.
344
00:15:21,597 --> 00:15:23,297
Okay, where's the coke?
345
00:15:23,299 --> 00:15:25,099
There is no coke.
346
00:15:25,101 --> 00:15:27,668
Why would you call anyone into a
bathroom if you don't have coke?
347
00:15:27,670 --> 00:15:29,170
That's rude.
348
00:15:29,172 --> 00:15:31,339
No, I was just gonna
talk to you.
349
00:15:31,341 --> 00:15:33,908
Oh, then I'm definitely
gonna need coke.
350
00:15:33,910 --> 00:15:36,243
Okay, look.
You are not sleeping with him.
351
00:15:36,245 --> 00:15:38,179
Of course not.
352
00:15:38,181 --> 00:15:40,281
But tonight I'm thinking
there's something special here.
353
00:15:40,283 --> 00:15:42,249
I mean, we talked,
and we laughed.
354
00:15:42,251 --> 00:15:44,452
What is this,
"previously on caroline"?
355
00:15:44,454 --> 00:15:47,421
Hey.
356
00:15:47,423 --> 00:15:48,422
If you guys are doing blow
in here without me,
357
00:15:48,424 --> 00:15:51,792
I'm gonna be so pissed.
358
00:15:51,794 --> 00:15:53,427
I wish.
359
00:15:53,429 --> 00:15:56,197
No, caroline wants
to have sex with nicolas.
360
00:15:56,199 --> 00:15:58,265
Even after that tango?
361
00:15:58,267 --> 00:16:00,801
Listen, now I'm thinking
I want to sleep over,
362
00:16:00,803 --> 00:16:02,603
But not have sex.
363
00:16:02,605 --> 00:16:06,040
Is that where he puts it in
but doesn't move it around?
364
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,878
That's what I do
when you're passed out.
365
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,814
That's what I do
when you're passed out.
366
00:16:13,816 --> 00:16:16,017
Look, nothing is
going in anywhere.
367
00:16:16,019 --> 00:16:17,551
I just want
to get to know him better.
368
00:16:17,553 --> 00:16:20,321
You really think you can
sleep in his bed with him
369
00:16:20,323 --> 00:16:23,124
And not use his penis
as a body pillow?
370
00:16:23,126 --> 00:16:24,725
Of course.
371
00:16:24,727 --> 00:16:26,327
I've done that with every boy
on the upper east side.
372
00:16:26,329 --> 00:16:29,797
That's why they called me
the east side snuggler.
373
00:16:29,799 --> 00:16:31,365
And trust me,
374
00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:33,134
Even though his wife begged me
to have sex with him,
375
00:16:33,136 --> 00:16:34,802
I'm not going to.
376
00:16:34,804 --> 00:16:37,405
But didn't you tell us the whole
reason you dragged us here
377
00:16:37,407 --> 00:16:39,373
Was because you were afraid
of being alone with him?
378
00:16:39,375 --> 00:16:42,209
What is this,
"previously on caroline"?
379
00:16:42,211 --> 00:16:43,744
Look, I get it.
380
00:16:43,746 --> 00:16:45,146
And if you two really
don't think I'm capable
381
00:16:45,148 --> 00:16:47,048
Of not having sex with him,
382
00:16:47,050 --> 00:16:49,483
Then hang out for a bit
until you're sure that I'm fine.
383
00:16:49,485 --> 00:16:53,120
Fine, but we are not
staying all night.
384
00:16:58,527 --> 00:17:00,428
Here are some blankets for you,
max and deke.
385
00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:02,063
You can take the couch.
386
00:17:02,065 --> 00:17:03,831
Caroline and I
will take the bed.
387
00:17:03,833 --> 00:17:06,233
Once again, our apologies.
388
00:17:06,235 --> 00:17:09,103
We are just
too drunk to go.
389
00:17:09,105 --> 00:17:10,538
Too drunk!
390
00:17:10,540 --> 00:17:12,673
You did share
that one glass of wine.
391
00:17:12,675 --> 00:17:15,743
Yup, we are too drunk.
[chuckles]
392
00:17:15,745 --> 00:17:18,446
So too drunk to walk?
393
00:17:18,448 --> 00:17:20,981
Well, I don't know.
You be the judge.
394
00:17:24,519 --> 00:17:26,887
I am so sorry about this.
395
00:17:26,889 --> 00:17:28,456
It's fine, caroline.
396
00:17:28,458 --> 00:17:29,757
I know what's going on here.
397
00:17:29,759 --> 00:17:32,460
Oh, and, nicolas,
before you go,
398
00:17:32,462 --> 00:17:36,764
I just wanted to say
thanks again for the drinks,
399
00:17:36,766 --> 00:17:38,966
The dinner,
400
00:17:38,968 --> 00:17:41,268
The dessert,
401
00:17:41,270 --> 00:17:44,538
My pillow,
and deke's pillow.
402
00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:49,443
We get it, grandma. Good night.
We'll be right over there.
403
00:17:49,445 --> 00:17:52,079
And I'll be
right over here.
404
00:17:52,081 --> 00:17:53,547
Good night, sleep tight,
405
00:17:53,549 --> 00:17:58,152
Don't let the bedbugs
have sex with you.
406
00:17:58,154 --> 00:18:00,454
Uh, you and I are gonna
do it, right?
407
00:18:00,456 --> 00:18:03,491
Oh, yeah. Think I took
my pill this morning.
408
00:18:03,493 --> 00:18:06,494
Either that
or I didn't take my pill.
409
00:18:06,496 --> 00:18:08,229
Wow, max, this is a big step
410
00:18:08,231 --> 00:18:09,763
That you may or may not
have taken today.
411
00:18:09,765 --> 00:18:11,165
You know
if it's too much trouble,
412
00:18:11,167 --> 00:18:12,466
We don't have
to go off condoms.
413
00:18:12,468 --> 00:18:13,968
So you're the one guy
in the world
414
00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:16,403
Who wants to still
wear a condom?
415
00:18:16,405 --> 00:18:17,605
Do you have something?
416
00:18:17,607 --> 00:18:18,839
No, it's not like that.
417
00:18:18,841 --> 00:18:21,442
I'm just saying the pill
is a big commitment.
418
00:18:21,444 --> 00:18:24,011
Oh, so do you not want
to take this step?
419
00:18:24,013 --> 00:18:25,479
Because I already went
to planned parenthood,
420
00:18:25,481 --> 00:18:27,081
And I never
plan anything.
421
00:18:27,083 --> 00:18:28,082
Max, I guess
I'm just surprised--
422
00:18:28,084 --> 00:18:29,650
Hold that thought.
423
00:18:29,652 --> 00:18:32,419
I hear nothing.
So?
424
00:18:32,421 --> 00:18:36,257
So that's what caroline
sounds like during sex!
425
00:18:36,259 --> 00:18:37,658
Keep talking like I'm here.
426
00:18:37,660 --> 00:18:40,794
Uh...
427
00:18:40,796 --> 00:18:43,597
Ah, oh, yeah, baby!
428
00:18:43,599 --> 00:18:45,633
Right there!
That's the spot!
429
00:18:45,635 --> 00:18:49,670
Yeah, now slap
my face with 'em!
430
00:18:49,672 --> 00:18:52,506
Well, if you were still here,
that's what I'd be saying.
431
00:18:52,508 --> 00:18:54,675
I'm sorry,
I'll switch it up.
432
00:18:54,677 --> 00:18:57,678
Uh, go fish, max.
433
00:19:00,015 --> 00:19:01,348
Max, what are you doing?
434
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:02,516
What are you doing?
435
00:19:02,518 --> 00:19:03,951
We're fine.
436
00:19:03,953 --> 00:19:06,620
We're just
lying here talking.
437
00:19:06,622 --> 00:19:09,223
No, we're not.
I'm really turned on.
438
00:19:09,225 --> 00:19:11,525
Why?
What's he doing to you?
439
00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:14,962
It's not him, it's me.
I'm the predator here.
440
00:19:14,964 --> 00:19:15,963
You were right.
You better stop me.
441
00:19:15,965 --> 00:19:17,398
Get up here with us.
442
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,000
[scoffs] I'm not getting
in bed with you.
443
00:19:20,002 --> 00:19:23,671
Max, get in the bed.
444
00:19:23,673 --> 00:19:26,173
I know a jaques-block
when I see one.
445
00:19:26,175 --> 00:19:28,676
I am so sorry.
446
00:19:28,678 --> 00:19:31,045
This is silly.
I know it must be hard for you.
447
00:19:31,047 --> 00:19:34,782
Uh, not anymore.
448
00:19:39,354 --> 00:19:41,255
You know, last night
when you and I were in bed,
449
00:19:41,257 --> 00:19:42,523
I realized I guess nicolas
450
00:19:42,525 --> 00:19:44,491
Is just gonna be
one of those people in my life
451
00:19:44,493 --> 00:19:46,560
That I'm always gonna almost
have sex with, but I never will.
452
00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:47,561
You know?
453
00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:49,663
Yeah, like me and you.
454
00:19:49,665 --> 00:19:52,600
Hey, deke.
Hey, earl.
455
00:19:52,602 --> 00:19:55,669
Best conversation I had today.
456
00:19:55,671 --> 00:19:59,573
Max, last night I got the idea
that maybe you thought
457
00:19:59,575 --> 00:20:01,842
That I didn't want to take our
relationship to the next level.
458
00:20:01,844 --> 00:20:03,777
What is this,
"previously on deke"?
459
00:20:03,779 --> 00:20:07,514
And just to prove that I do
want to go to the next level,
460
00:20:07,516 --> 00:20:08,749
I got you a ring.
461
00:20:08,751 --> 00:20:10,217
[gasps]
462
00:20:10,219 --> 00:20:12,886
Oh, my god, max!
I'm so happy for you!
463
00:20:12,888 --> 00:20:15,689
Even though I thought I'd be
the first one to get engaged.
464
00:20:15,691 --> 00:20:18,592
I think we all thought that.
465
00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:20,594
Deke, I don't know
what you're gonna
466
00:20:20,596 --> 00:20:22,630
Pull out of your pocket,
but it better be a gun.
467
00:20:22,632 --> 00:20:24,865
Actually, I know you don't
want a ring-ring.
468
00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:27,968
But how about a nuvaring?
469
00:20:27,970 --> 00:20:30,070
A nuvaring?
470
00:20:30,072 --> 00:20:32,640
How did you know my size?
471
00:20:32,642 --> 00:20:34,642
I can't wait to try it on.
472
00:20:34,644 --> 00:20:37,645
Well, I am not throwing you
a shower for that.
473
00:20:37,647 --> 00:20:42,650
After I saw how you maybe forgot
to take your pill on day one
474
00:20:42,652 --> 00:20:45,653
And then took pills all day
just to be safe,
475
00:20:45,655 --> 00:20:47,454
I thought you'd need
a little help.
476
00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:50,090
So there, max. Will you not
have children with me?
477
00:20:50,092 --> 00:20:52,993
You're damn right I won't.
478
00:20:52,995 --> 00:20:55,629
Oh, wait, I think these
take a couple days to work.
479
00:20:55,631 --> 00:20:57,665
Where are we gonna
get a condom for tonight?
480
00:20:57,667 --> 00:21:00,668
[whistling]
481
00:21:00,670 --> 00:21:03,804
♪
482
00:21:07,509 --> 00:21:09,476
[cash register bell dings]