1
00:00:01,944 --> 00:00:06,681
Welcome to the diner
atm ribbon cutting ceremony!
2
00:00:06,683 --> 00:00:09,551
[hums fanfare]
3
00:00:09,553 --> 00:00:14,122
Everyone knows he's holding
normal-sized scissors, right?
4
00:00:14,124 --> 00:00:15,524
Han's just excited
that there's
5
00:00:15,526 --> 00:00:19,027
Something in the diner
the same size as him.
6
00:00:19,029 --> 00:00:21,029
Han, this is just
another waste of time,
7
00:00:21,031 --> 00:00:23,999
Like when you opened the diner.
8
00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:28,403
This machine is now
open for business!
9
00:00:31,274 --> 00:00:32,974
After you're done with those,
10
00:00:32,976 --> 00:00:37,179
I need to do a little
manscaping on my love mound.
11
00:00:37,181 --> 00:00:40,749
And after you're done with that,
you can throw them away.
12
00:00:40,751 --> 00:00:45,020
Hey, everybody!
13
00:00:45,022 --> 00:00:46,922
What's that yellow tape?
14
00:00:46,924 --> 00:00:48,890
Did someone die again?
15
00:00:48,892 --> 00:00:51,460
No, sophie, we got an atm.
16
00:00:51,462 --> 00:00:55,997
I thought we already had an atm.
"asian transgender male."
17
00:00:55,999 --> 00:01:00,168
Well, thank you
for saying "male."
18
00:01:00,170 --> 00:01:01,570
Well, move outta the way!
19
00:01:01,572 --> 00:01:04,306
This broad's gotta do
some bankin'!
20
00:01:04,308 --> 00:01:06,374
Be careful,
you're the very first.
21
00:01:06,376 --> 00:01:10,979
We know how long you've been
waiting to say that to a woman.
22
00:01:10,981 --> 00:01:13,081
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
23
00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:14,816
[cash register bell dings]
24
00:01:14,818 --> 00:01:20,188
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
25
00:01:25,562 --> 00:01:28,930
No sign of deke, the cops,
or nosy white folk.
26
00:01:28,932 --> 00:01:29,998
Let's break in.
27
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,533
I don't understand
28
00:01:31,535 --> 00:01:34,236
Why we're breaking into
your boyfriend's dumpster.
29
00:01:34,238 --> 00:01:38,140
The only thing I understand less
is how you pee standing up.
30
00:01:38,142 --> 00:01:40,809
Why? How do you pee?
31
00:01:40,811 --> 00:01:42,577
I am breaking up with deke,
so now's the part
32
00:01:42,579 --> 00:01:44,980
Of the relationship
where I sneak in his place
33
00:01:44,982 --> 00:01:46,414
And get my stuff out
34
00:01:46,416 --> 00:01:48,216
To avoid telling him
I'm breaking up with him.
35
00:01:48,218 --> 00:01:51,753
Well, you just cut an hour
out of every romantic comedy.
36
00:01:51,755 --> 00:01:53,722
You're welcome.
37
00:01:57,660 --> 00:02:00,095
This is the first guy
I dated that has a crank.
38
00:02:00,097 --> 00:02:02,964
Most of them just did crank.
39
00:02:02,966 --> 00:02:05,000
Okay, so here's the plan.
40
00:02:05,002 --> 00:02:06,368
I'm gonna climb up
on the garbage,
41
00:02:06,370 --> 00:02:08,170
Unsnap the windows,
dive in the dumpster,
42
00:02:08,172 --> 00:02:09,604
And grab his spare key
on the counter.
43
00:02:09,606 --> 00:02:11,273
Do you look at life
as just a game
44
00:02:11,275 --> 00:02:13,675
Of "set new lows
for caroline"?
45
00:02:13,677 --> 00:02:15,043
Why do I have to do it?
46
00:02:15,045 --> 00:02:17,279
I'm on parole, caroline.
47
00:02:17,281 --> 00:02:19,080
We're breaking into a dumpster.
48
00:02:19,082 --> 00:02:21,316
I don't even think
that's illegal.
49
00:02:21,318 --> 00:02:24,619
I didn't either.
That's why I'm on parole.
50
00:02:29,492 --> 00:02:34,462
Light on the right,
key on the left.
51
00:02:34,464 --> 00:02:37,666
We did this once after deke left
his keys at our favorite bar,
52
00:02:37,668 --> 00:02:39,868
Which is actually just a liquor
store where they let you drink.
53
00:02:39,870 --> 00:02:41,236
They turn a blind eye.
54
00:02:41,238 --> 00:02:43,038
Well, the guy is blind.
55
00:02:45,074 --> 00:02:48,076
Yeah, deke always
found cool places.
56
00:02:48,078 --> 00:02:50,011
Then why are you
breaking up with him?
57
00:02:50,013 --> 00:02:51,713
He's perfect for you.
58
00:02:51,715 --> 00:02:55,784
You both think living in a tuna
can is an acceptable habitat.
59
00:02:55,786 --> 00:02:57,319
So what if he has money?
60
00:02:57,321 --> 00:03:00,322
People with money
don't live in the same reality.
61
00:03:00,324 --> 00:03:02,857
You think donald trump would
have that hair if he were poor?
62
00:03:02,859 --> 00:03:05,327
Now, come on, let's get
my toothbrush and scram.
63
00:03:05,329 --> 00:03:09,431
You bought a toothbrush?
Oh, you really liked him.
64
00:03:09,433 --> 00:03:12,701
Wait, max, is that
one of your gnomes?
65
00:03:12,703 --> 00:03:15,237
Oh, my god, you were
practically moving in!
66
00:03:15,239 --> 00:03:17,472
[gasps]
and it's your favorite one,
67
00:03:17,474 --> 00:03:19,307
Gnome-o-sexual!
68
00:03:19,309 --> 00:03:22,010
No, this is my second-favorite.
69
00:03:22,012 --> 00:03:24,546
My favorite
is "gnome more drama."
70
00:03:24,548 --> 00:03:27,949
And he's not here because
he don't want no more drama,
71
00:03:27,951 --> 00:03:31,786
And frankly, neither do I.
72
00:03:31,788 --> 00:03:33,321
Come on, let's go.
73
00:03:33,323 --> 00:03:38,126
You don't have to ask me twice
to get out of a dumpster.
74
00:03:39,161 --> 00:03:40,195
Well, well.
75
00:03:40,197 --> 00:03:42,497
If it isn't max-a-million.
76
00:03:42,499 --> 00:03:45,400
Or should I say,
"max who hates my millions"?
77
00:03:45,402 --> 00:03:48,203
Shouldn't you be occupying
wall street or something?
78
00:03:48,205 --> 00:03:49,904
I am just here
for my toothbrush,
79
00:03:49,906 --> 00:03:52,340
And then I'll leave you
in your ivory dumpster
80
00:03:52,342 --> 00:03:55,377
To sit around
and fart diamonds.
81
00:03:55,379 --> 00:03:57,379
So don't get the wrong idea,
uncle pennybags.
82
00:03:57,381 --> 00:03:59,547
I'm not here to be
aunt pennybags.
83
00:03:59,549 --> 00:04:01,650
Max, who's uncle pennybags?
84
00:04:01,652 --> 00:04:04,853
Is he one of the ones
who touched you?
85
00:04:04,855 --> 00:04:07,689
Both: He's the monopoly man.
86
00:04:07,691 --> 00:04:09,958
See? You guys are perfect
for each other.
87
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,526
Yeah, max.
88
00:04:11,528 --> 00:04:14,029
We're like a more awesome
version of john and yoko.
89
00:04:14,031 --> 00:04:16,431
Meaning, like, just john.
90
00:04:16,433 --> 00:04:19,034
Who cares if I got
a few million dollars?
91
00:04:19,036 --> 00:04:20,669
A hundred few million.
92
00:04:20,671 --> 00:04:23,872
And that's on the low end,
according to bing.
93
00:04:23,874 --> 00:04:26,041
Well, I'll be by later, deke.
94
00:04:26,043 --> 00:04:27,309
Come on, caroline.
95
00:04:27,311 --> 00:04:29,577
No, max, you won't.
96
00:04:29,579 --> 00:04:31,913
You're taking your stuff 'cause
you're breaking up with me
97
00:04:31,915 --> 00:04:33,515
And you're too big a baby pants
98
00:04:33,517 --> 00:04:35,283
To tell me you're
breaking up with me.
99
00:04:35,285 --> 00:04:37,218
Pfffttt!
What?
100
00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:40,021
I am not breaking up
with you.
101
00:04:40,023 --> 00:04:41,556
I just needed my toothbrush
102
00:04:41,558 --> 00:04:43,425
Because I had
dollar shrimp for lunch
103
00:04:43,427 --> 00:04:46,561
And I still have
some shells in my teeth.
104
00:04:46,563 --> 00:04:50,498
I will see you later tonight
for sex and various whatnots.
105
00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:53,134
I am not breaking up with you.
106
00:04:53,136 --> 00:04:56,905
That breakup was brutal!
107
00:05:01,210 --> 00:05:05,547
Yo, max, I hear our boy deke
got major money.
108
00:05:05,549 --> 00:05:10,752
I shoulda known, 'cause the weed
he gave me was real quality.
109
00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:14,189
And free.
110
00:05:14,191 --> 00:05:16,658
Earl, money changes people.
I know.
111
00:05:16,660 --> 00:05:21,229
Every time the food stamps came,
my mother was all, "max who?"
112
00:05:22,231 --> 00:05:26,968
'ello, my good people!
113
00:05:26,970 --> 00:05:29,704
You are quite fortunate today,
114
00:05:29,706 --> 00:05:33,541
For a rich person has come
to dine in your establishment!
115
00:05:35,077 --> 00:05:36,411
Caroline, I would like
116
00:05:36,413 --> 00:05:38,480
A tabletop
in max's section, please.
117
00:05:38,482 --> 00:05:40,014
Because it's high time she met
118
00:05:40,016 --> 00:05:42,717
The person I've been
pretending not to be.
119
00:05:42,719 --> 00:05:45,387
The veil has been lifted.
She was correct.
120
00:05:45,389 --> 00:05:50,191
I am the monopoly man.
121
00:05:50,193 --> 00:05:51,693
Right this way, sir.
122
00:05:51,695 --> 00:05:55,764
I believe I have a table here
in the overacting section.
123
00:05:55,766 --> 00:05:59,834
All right, I'll give it up.
You got me laughing.
124
00:06:01,537 --> 00:06:04,239
And I would miss all this
if we didn't hang out,
125
00:06:04,241 --> 00:06:06,040
So I guess we can still be
friends
126
00:06:06,042 --> 00:06:07,609
And pastry school partners.
127
00:06:07,611 --> 00:06:09,711
[scoffs]
pastry school partners?
128
00:06:09,713 --> 00:06:13,448
Your breasts
are named in my will.
129
00:06:15,050 --> 00:06:17,786
Come on, you can't be
serious about this.
130
00:06:17,788 --> 00:06:19,421
Don't worry,
we can still do all the stuff
131
00:06:19,423 --> 00:06:21,189
We had planned for our future.
132
00:06:21,191 --> 00:06:24,492
Like tping han's apartment
on the 14th--I'm not a monster.
133
00:06:24,494 --> 00:06:27,228
Max--
deke, you can't
be my boyfriend.
134
00:06:27,230 --> 00:06:28,696
From now on I'm like welfare.
135
00:06:28,698 --> 00:06:32,300
You have to be broke
to get some.
136
00:06:38,207 --> 00:06:40,141
Max, I really wish
you'd reconsider
137
00:06:40,143 --> 00:06:42,010
Breaking up with deke.
138
00:06:42,012 --> 00:06:44,078
I mean, you guys
get along great.
139
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,381
He lives in a trash can,
140
00:06:46,383 --> 00:06:50,251
He shares your love
of pee-pee jokes.
141
00:06:50,253 --> 00:06:52,587
He can hide things
in his hair.
142
00:06:52,589 --> 00:06:54,489
Aren't those the things
you didn't like about him
143
00:06:54,491 --> 00:06:56,224
Before you knew
he had money?
144
00:06:56,226 --> 00:06:58,259
Yes, but people can change.
145
00:06:58,261 --> 00:07:00,295
So change and like him.
146
00:07:00,297 --> 00:07:02,397
Come on,
just keep an open mind.
147
00:07:02,399 --> 00:07:04,032
In fact, why don't
you sleep on it?
148
00:07:04,034 --> 00:07:07,469
Right now. Go. Go to bed.
Go, go, go, go, go.
149
00:07:07,471 --> 00:07:12,040
Boy, are you eager
to masturbate.
150
00:07:16,879 --> 00:07:18,346
Hey, friend.
151
00:07:18,348 --> 00:07:21,115
Come on, get in.
152
00:07:21,117 --> 00:07:24,752
I told you I can't
see that anymore.
Why?
153
00:07:24,754 --> 00:07:27,021
You're my friend,
he's my friend.
154
00:07:27,023 --> 00:07:29,023
We're all just friends.
155
00:07:29,025 --> 00:07:30,558
Where did you get a key?
156
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,260
Don't be mad.
I asked her for help.
157
00:07:32,262 --> 00:07:33,795
Caroline, get in here!
158
00:07:33,797 --> 00:07:38,399
(caroline)
can't. I'm masturbating!
159
00:07:38,401 --> 00:07:40,802
Caroline, what are you doing?
160
00:07:40,804 --> 00:07:42,637
Are those new shoes?
161
00:07:42,639 --> 00:07:45,607
Uh, yes.
162
00:07:45,609 --> 00:07:47,475
Where did they come from?
163
00:07:47,477 --> 00:07:50,211
They were just here.
164
00:07:50,213 --> 00:07:52,113
In your size?
165
00:07:52,115 --> 00:07:54,949
It's a miracle.
166
00:07:54,951 --> 00:07:56,885
They're from me.
167
00:07:56,887 --> 00:07:59,521
I got 'em for her
as a gift.
168
00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:02,290
What makes you think
you could buy my roommate?
169
00:08:02,292 --> 00:08:06,094
She said, "I'll give you the key
if you buy me new shoes."
170
00:08:06,096 --> 00:08:09,130
Ha! For love!
171
00:08:09,132 --> 00:08:12,367
I did it for love!
172
00:08:12,369 --> 00:08:14,068
You two belong together.
173
00:08:14,070 --> 00:08:15,470
Like me and these shoes.
174
00:08:15,472 --> 00:08:17,639
Come on, just give me
a chance to express
175
00:08:17,641 --> 00:08:19,641
My deep feelings
about this.
176
00:08:19,643 --> 00:08:21,876
Max, what I'm trying
to say is...
177
00:08:21,878 --> 00:08:24,812
Pfffftttt!
178
00:08:24,814 --> 00:08:28,316
I don't wanna be your friend.
I wanna be your boyfriend.
179
00:08:28,318 --> 00:08:32,654
Well, right now it looks like
you want to be my girlfriend.
180
00:08:32,656 --> 00:08:34,522
Maybe I can help
clear things up.
181
00:08:34,524 --> 00:08:36,491
How much is this
gonna cost me?
182
00:08:36,493 --> 00:08:38,192
Nothing. Look...
183
00:08:38,194 --> 00:08:41,629
Max doesn't think she deserves
someone rich because she has...
184
00:08:41,631 --> 00:08:43,698
Well, low self-esteem.
185
00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:48,069
Wrong.
I have no self-esteem.
186
00:08:48,071 --> 00:08:53,274
And I can see
the bottom of your balls.
187
00:08:53,276 --> 00:08:55,310
Max, remember two days ago
188
00:08:55,312 --> 00:08:58,246
When you loved
the bottom of my balls?
189
00:08:58,248 --> 00:09:02,517
That's when they were poor
and I felt sorry for them.
190
00:09:03,852 --> 00:09:05,687
Come on,
you two belong together.
191
00:09:05,689 --> 00:09:09,157
You're like the romeo and juliet
of ball banter.
192
00:09:09,159 --> 00:09:11,059
I'm sorry,
it's just never gonna work.
193
00:09:11,061 --> 00:09:13,595
It's like we were raised with
different religions, like...
194
00:09:13,597 --> 00:09:15,964
What are two religions?
195
00:09:15,966 --> 00:09:19,000
Are you taking suggestions
from the audience,
196
00:09:19,002 --> 00:09:22,737
Or do you really not know
the names of two religions?
197
00:09:22,739 --> 00:09:27,208
Let's say...
A witch and a smurf.
198
00:09:27,210 --> 00:09:29,978
Question answered.
199
00:09:29,980 --> 00:09:32,981
So it's like I'm a witch
and you're a smurf.
200
00:09:32,983 --> 00:09:35,350
We could never be together.
Everybody knows that.
201
00:09:35,352 --> 00:09:37,685
I've only lived like a witch.
I've never lived like a smurf.
202
00:09:37,687 --> 00:09:39,020
So I don't get you.
203
00:09:39,022 --> 00:09:40,989
What's it like
being blue and soft?
204
00:09:40,991 --> 00:09:43,625
I don't know, I'm a witch.
I'm green and all-powerful.
205
00:09:43,627 --> 00:09:45,793
So you're saying
you can't relate to me
206
00:09:45,795 --> 00:09:48,529
Because you've
never been a smurf?
207
00:09:48,531 --> 00:09:50,331
Wow. That's heavy.
208
00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:51,899
Well, I'm gonna go.
209
00:09:51,901 --> 00:09:56,604
Oh, I better take off this
silly robe and put on my skirt.
210
00:09:56,606 --> 00:09:59,641
And she's giving back
the shoes.
211
00:09:59,643 --> 00:10:03,578
Oh, no, she is not!
212
00:10:10,285 --> 00:10:13,588
"language preference: English,
spanish, chinese, french."
213
00:10:13,590 --> 00:10:16,357
[chuckles] they should've made
this more specific to the diner.
214
00:10:16,359 --> 00:10:19,827
"hipster, hobo, junkie,
pregnant teen."
215
00:10:19,829 --> 00:10:23,164
Don't forget
"ballerina with a head wound."
216
00:10:23,166 --> 00:10:26,167
"would you like to see
your account balance?"
217
00:10:26,169 --> 00:10:29,170
That atm's a real bitch.
218
00:10:29,172 --> 00:10:32,473
Yeah, I got a hot 17 in here
that's dying to get out.
219
00:10:32,475 --> 00:10:36,778
So did oleg when that cop
pulled him over.
220
00:10:36,780 --> 00:10:38,279
Caroline,
look at this receipt.
221
00:10:38,281 --> 00:10:39,681
This can't be right.
222
00:10:39,683 --> 00:10:40,882
I haven't seen this many
zeros in one place
223
00:10:40,884 --> 00:10:43,251
Since the diner
christmas party.
224
00:10:43,253 --> 00:10:46,254
That says $1,000,017.
225
00:10:46,256 --> 00:10:48,256
Han, your atm's broken.
226
00:10:48,258 --> 00:10:50,224
It just gave max $1 million.
227
00:10:50,226 --> 00:10:53,728
Out of my way! Out of my way!
Out of my way!
228
00:10:55,964 --> 00:10:59,634
This is it--the faulty atm
that gives out millions.
229
00:10:59,636 --> 00:11:04,439
I thought it was
an urban legend like hpv.
230
00:11:04,441 --> 00:11:06,541
Everybody freeze.
231
00:11:06,543 --> 00:11:08,276
The damn thing must be busted.
232
00:11:08,278 --> 00:11:11,079
And to think I bent over
backwards to get that atm.
233
00:11:11,081 --> 00:11:14,749
Well, I bent over forwards
to get a "b" in spanish.
234
00:11:16,085 --> 00:11:19,053
Damn it. My account's
exactly the same.
235
00:11:19,055 --> 00:11:20,922
Frozen.
236
00:11:20,924 --> 00:11:24,392
So, deke left this note
for you earlier.
237
00:11:24,394 --> 00:11:28,830
I forgot 'cause I'm 120.
238
00:11:28,832 --> 00:11:33,334
Now you know what it's like
to be a smurf.
239
00:11:33,336 --> 00:11:37,905
Can you believe this?
Deke gave me $1 million!
240
00:11:43,212 --> 00:11:47,615
[strained]
so that's real money?
241
00:11:47,617 --> 00:11:51,586
The money's real?
242
00:11:51,588 --> 00:11:54,355
You have $1 million?
243
00:11:54,357 --> 00:11:57,058
We're a millionaire?
244
00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:04,198
[elevator dings]
245
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,467
Oh, good morning,
my good man.
246
00:12:06,469 --> 00:12:11,072
I recently came into some money,
thus the candy tiara.
247
00:12:11,074 --> 00:12:12,406
And I wanted to
spread the wealth.
248
00:12:12,408 --> 00:12:14,242
Here.
249
00:12:14,244 --> 00:12:15,777
Have a pound of coffee.
250
00:12:15,779 --> 00:12:19,113
It's folgers,
since I'm a millionaire now.
251
00:12:19,115 --> 00:12:24,085
Best part of waking up rich!
252
00:12:24,087 --> 00:12:28,256
I come bearing gifts
for all my best friends.
253
00:12:28,258 --> 00:12:30,958
Here, guy who stands
behind me...
254
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,495
A 12-pack of
triple-a batteries for you.
255
00:12:34,497 --> 00:12:37,765
And yes, they did have to
open the glass case at cvs
256
00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:40,268
For me to get these.
257
00:12:40,270 --> 00:12:42,870
Here,
lady on the other side.
258
00:12:42,872 --> 00:12:46,340
A shampoo and conditioner!
259
00:12:46,342 --> 00:12:50,244
Herbal essences,
no big deal.
260
00:12:50,246 --> 00:12:54,782
And don't think I forgot
about you, peek-a-boo hair.
261
00:12:54,784 --> 00:12:57,485
A godiva box of chocolates.
262
00:12:57,487 --> 00:13:01,656
No, you're not dreaming.
I said "godiva"!
263
00:13:01,658 --> 00:13:04,258
Max, I have great news.
264
00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:07,428
And you, woman who
sold me out for shoes.
265
00:13:07,430 --> 00:13:10,164
I got you something very special
when I was out gift shopping.
266
00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:11,766
You know how you always say,
267
00:13:11,768 --> 00:13:14,769
"who do I have to bang to get
a chip clip around here?"
268
00:13:14,771 --> 00:13:16,704
Me!
269
00:13:16,706 --> 00:13:19,173
Wait, you spent money?
270
00:13:19,175 --> 00:13:21,509
How much of our million
did you spend on your...
271
00:13:21,511 --> 00:13:23,878
We'll call it
a shopping spree.
272
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,813
Almost all of it.
273
00:13:25,815 --> 00:13:29,417
$143!
274
00:13:29,419 --> 00:13:32,486
Okay, our public schools
have failed you.
275
00:13:32,488 --> 00:13:34,689
Or they would have
if you'd went.
276
00:13:34,691 --> 00:13:36,791
But I'm too excited to care.
277
00:13:36,793 --> 00:13:39,393
First things first.
When do we quit the diner?
278
00:13:39,395 --> 00:13:41,162
What are you talking about?
We're not quitting the diner.
279
00:13:41,164 --> 00:13:42,964
I'm giving the rest
of the money back.
280
00:13:42,966 --> 00:13:45,032
Hold on, hold on,
pump the brakes.
281
00:13:45,034 --> 00:13:48,569
What's the problem?
You got a chip clip--you're set.
282
00:13:48,571 --> 00:13:50,571
I only spent it
to make a point to deke.
283
00:13:50,573 --> 00:13:53,608
You can't give it back.
I have plans. Big plans.
284
00:13:53,610 --> 00:13:55,042
After we quit the diner,
285
00:13:55,044 --> 00:13:58,246
I found a guy who can turn
that measly million into 3.
286
00:13:58,248 --> 00:14:00,248
And don't worry,
he was not named
287
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,616
In my father's ponzi
scheme.
288
00:14:01,618 --> 00:14:03,784
Well, not by the name
he goes by now.
289
00:14:03,786 --> 00:14:07,688
What up, smurfette?
290
00:14:07,690 --> 00:14:08,823
Oh, hello, deke.
291
00:14:08,825 --> 00:14:10,157
You just missed me passing out
292
00:14:10,159 --> 00:14:11,692
All the gifts I bought
with your million,
293
00:14:11,694 --> 00:14:13,094
But you're here
in time to see me
294
00:14:13,096 --> 00:14:14,996
Buy big mary as my lab partner.
295
00:14:14,998 --> 00:14:17,665
Who says I'm for sale?
296
00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:21,602
A fireman's calendar...
297
00:14:21,604 --> 00:14:24,805
And another
fireman's calendar.
298
00:14:24,807 --> 00:14:26,641
Sold.
299
00:14:29,511 --> 00:14:32,013
I bet you didn't think
I'd spend that money, hmm?
300
00:14:32,015 --> 00:14:34,115
Well, you were wrong.
301
00:14:34,117 --> 00:14:37,585
I spent $143!
302
00:14:37,587 --> 00:14:39,654
Max, I wanted you
to spend the money
303
00:14:39,656 --> 00:14:41,355
So you know
what it's like to be rich.
304
00:14:41,357 --> 00:14:42,890
Now we're both smurfs.
305
00:14:42,892 --> 00:14:44,525
You can relate to me again.
306
00:14:44,527 --> 00:14:49,330
Wanna go do hand stuff by the
ovens like we did last Tuesday?
307
00:14:49,332 --> 00:14:52,633
Oh, so you were just trying
to buy me with the money?
308
00:14:52,635 --> 00:14:55,236
Well, I'm not
a high-priced call girl.
309
00:14:55,238 --> 00:14:57,838
'cause super bowl
weekend's over.
310
00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,441
Here. I'm giving you
the rest of the money back.
311
00:15:00,443 --> 00:15:01,709
Okay...
312
00:15:01,711 --> 00:15:04,111
Obviously, she is not
mentally competent enough
313
00:15:04,113 --> 00:15:05,713
To handle her finances.
314
00:15:05,715 --> 00:15:07,815
This is like when my grandma
wanted to give all her money
315
00:15:07,817 --> 00:15:11,619
To that orphanage, so they had
her diagnosed with alzheimer's.
316
00:15:11,621 --> 00:15:13,254
Here.
317
00:15:13,256 --> 00:15:15,323
I can't believe I'm losing
all of my money
318
00:15:15,325 --> 00:15:17,625
Twice in one lifetime.
319
00:15:17,627 --> 00:15:19,894
[strained]
who has an inhaler?
320
00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:24,532
And check it.
I even put your name on there.
321
00:15:24,534 --> 00:15:28,469
"deke mc-richy mc-never-
had-to-work-for-anything"?
322
00:15:28,471 --> 00:15:29,870
Oh, sorry, I probably
should've added,
323
00:15:29,872 --> 00:15:32,873
"richy rich
pretended-he-was-poor-instein"
324
00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:34,375
So they'd know it's you.
325
00:15:34,377 --> 00:15:37,311
Here, I'll fix it.
326
00:15:37,313 --> 00:15:41,349
Oh, yes.
I treat myself well.
327
00:15:41,351 --> 00:15:43,084
You know what, max?
Stop.
328
00:15:43,086 --> 00:15:44,952
I've tried everything
to show you I'm not
329
00:15:44,954 --> 00:15:47,388
Some cartoon rich guy,
and you still think I'm a joke.
330
00:15:47,390 --> 00:15:49,623
You only see me as my money,
but I'm not.
331
00:15:49,625 --> 00:15:52,293
That's how much money
means to me.
332
00:15:52,295 --> 00:15:53,527
But you were right.
333
00:15:53,529 --> 00:15:55,730
It's not gonna work with us.
334
00:16:03,405 --> 00:16:07,041
Max. Oh, I got your gift.
335
00:16:07,043 --> 00:16:10,544
I love my new vibrator.
336
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:17,051
It's not a vibrator, sophie.
It's a dustbuster.
337
00:16:17,053 --> 00:16:18,719
Oh.
338
00:16:18,721 --> 00:16:23,057
Well, there's
no dust there anymore.
339
00:16:23,059 --> 00:16:25,226
I'll be in my booth.
340
00:16:25,228 --> 00:16:27,762
Waitress. Waitress.
341
00:16:27,764 --> 00:16:30,398
"waitress"?
Who's she talking to?
342
00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:33,167
Miss...
343
00:16:33,169 --> 00:16:34,668
This salmon
tastes like chicken.
344
00:16:34,670 --> 00:16:36,904
That's weird,
'cause it's pork.
345
00:16:36,906 --> 00:16:39,807
I don't need attitude
from some waitress.
346
00:16:39,809 --> 00:16:43,544
Who is this waitress
you keep referring to?
347
00:16:43,546 --> 00:16:46,447
Your job is to take my order,
348
00:16:46,449 --> 00:16:48,983
Put a smile on your face,
and serve me.
349
00:16:48,985 --> 00:16:52,686
Oh, hell, no!
350
00:16:54,156 --> 00:16:56,223
I don't have to take this.
351
00:16:56,225 --> 00:16:58,993
Let me show you
something, doll.
352
00:16:58,995 --> 00:17:02,830
This is my receipt from
the last time I used the atm.
353
00:17:02,832 --> 00:17:05,132
You see where it says "account
balance" at the bottom there?
354
00:17:05,134 --> 00:17:06,767
Read that number to me,
please.
355
00:17:06,769 --> 00:17:10,671
If you have $1 million,
why would you be working here?
356
00:17:10,673 --> 00:17:12,640
Good question.
357
00:17:14,209 --> 00:17:15,876
Hey.
358
00:17:15,878 --> 00:17:20,848
You seem cranky.
You want to use my dustbuster?
359
00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:25,352
That woman just asked me
360
00:17:25,354 --> 00:17:28,389
If I have $1 million,
why am I working here?
361
00:17:28,391 --> 00:17:30,057
That's what I've been saying.
362
00:17:30,059 --> 00:17:32,159
I mean, I have $1 million.
363
00:17:32,161 --> 00:17:33,794
That's what I've been saying.
364
00:17:33,796 --> 00:17:35,696
I don't need to be
in this dump!
365
00:17:35,698 --> 00:17:37,198
Again, that's what I've--
366
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,133
You've been saying!
I know, I'm an idiot!
367
00:17:39,135 --> 00:17:40,501
I'm keeping that money!
368
00:17:40,503 --> 00:17:42,103
That's what I've been saying!
369
00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:43,771
Max, caroline--
no.
370
00:17:43,773 --> 00:17:45,573
You don't even know
what I was about to say.
371
00:17:45,575 --> 00:17:48,242
Whatever it is, no.
We have $1 million.
372
00:17:48,244 --> 00:17:49,810
Yeah, we have $1 million.
373
00:17:49,812 --> 00:17:52,880
Yeah, we have $1 million,
and I quit!
374
00:17:52,882 --> 00:17:54,648
And I quit too, baby!
375
00:17:54,650 --> 00:17:56,984
I have hated this hellhole
from day one.
376
00:17:56,986 --> 00:17:59,887
Sayonara, short stuff!
377
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,057
I don't know what's
more offensive.
378
00:18:03,059 --> 00:18:05,159
"sayonara" or "short stuff"!
379
00:18:05,161 --> 00:18:07,995
I would go with "sayonara,"
short stuff.
380
00:18:10,765 --> 00:18:11,899
Wow.
381
00:18:14,669 --> 00:18:15,936
That got off quicker than
382
00:18:15,938 --> 00:18:17,838
A 12-year-old
looking at megan fox.
383
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,840
Quick? I've been trying
to get out of this thing
384
00:18:19,842 --> 00:18:21,041
For three years.
385
00:18:21,043 --> 00:18:24,111
This zipper is stuck!
This is like a horror movie!
386
00:18:24,113 --> 00:18:25,880
Help me!
Get this damn thing off me!
387
00:18:25,882 --> 00:18:28,149
Tear it off, cut it off,
light it on fire!
388
00:18:28,151 --> 00:18:29,350
Well, watch my hair.
389
00:18:29,352 --> 00:18:30,417
Oh, who cares!
I'll buy new hair!
390
00:18:30,419 --> 00:18:32,019
[both laugh]
391
00:18:32,021 --> 00:18:33,354
Damn it, I'll just go over.
392
00:18:33,356 --> 00:18:34,855
Yes! We're out of here.
393
00:18:34,857 --> 00:18:37,024
No more diner,
no more cupcakes.
394
00:18:37,026 --> 00:18:39,260
Wait, wait,
no more cupcakes?
395
00:18:39,262 --> 00:18:40,828
What are you talking about?
396
00:18:40,830 --> 00:18:42,863
With all this money,
we can grow our business.
397
00:18:42,865 --> 00:18:45,166
Oh, I'm not growing
anything
398
00:18:45,168 --> 00:18:49,036
Except a big-ass weed plant
on my nightstand.
399
00:18:49,038 --> 00:18:50,604
But it's our dream.
400
00:18:50,606 --> 00:18:53,607
I don't need a dream.
Dreams are for poor people!
401
00:18:53,609 --> 00:18:54,975
I have $1 million.
402
00:18:54,977 --> 00:18:56,677
I'm not going
to pastry school,
403
00:18:56,679 --> 00:18:58,546
I might not even
go to the bathroom.
404
00:18:58,548 --> 00:19:00,881
And I am definitely not
getting out of bed.
405
00:19:00,883 --> 00:19:03,617
I will never
do anything again!
406
00:19:04,986 --> 00:19:08,055
Oh, my god, I'll never
do anything again.
407
00:19:08,057 --> 00:19:10,024
We're not quitting.
408
00:19:12,227 --> 00:19:14,261
[strained]
I knew it!
409
00:19:14,263 --> 00:19:18,132
Between you and this zipper,
I'll never get outta here.
410
00:19:18,134 --> 00:19:21,068
I can't. You heard what I'd
be like with $1 million.
411
00:19:21,070 --> 00:19:22,536
I'd be dead at 30.
412
00:19:22,538 --> 00:19:26,840
But isn't that what
you've always wanted?
413
00:19:29,311 --> 00:19:30,544
[knocks]
414
00:19:30,546 --> 00:19:32,646
Hey, uncle pennybags,
you home?
415
00:19:32,648 --> 00:19:34,949
I mean, you dumpster?
416
00:19:34,951 --> 00:19:37,051
Hey, can I come in?
417
00:19:37,053 --> 00:19:39,820
Or did you already move on?
'cause I'd get it if you did.
418
00:19:39,822 --> 00:19:44,658
Nah, come in. Just sittin'
in here fartin' diamonds.
419
00:19:44,660 --> 00:19:48,696
Look, I think
I owe you an apology.
420
00:19:48,698 --> 00:19:50,965
You know how I called you
a lazy mc-richy rich who never
421
00:19:50,967 --> 00:19:53,834
Had to work for anything
and lives in an ivory dumpster?
422
00:19:53,836 --> 00:19:56,570
Is this part of the apology
423
00:19:56,572 --> 00:19:59,473
Or just the recap of mean things
you've said to me?
424
00:19:59,475 --> 00:20:01,742
Just listen.
425
00:20:01,744 --> 00:20:04,278
Well, I was right, you never did
have to work for anything.
426
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:07,681
Okay, I'm starting to think you
don't know what an apology is.
427
00:20:07,683 --> 00:20:10,851
But even though you never
had to work for anything,
428
00:20:10,853 --> 00:20:11,986
You do.
429
00:20:11,988 --> 00:20:14,455
You actually get up,
you go to pastry school,
430
00:20:14,457 --> 00:20:16,890
And you build dumpsters,
you do lots of stuff.
431
00:20:16,892 --> 00:20:18,592
Hey, you're not even
familiar with my charity:
432
00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:21,161
Orgasms for old people.
433
00:20:21,163 --> 00:20:23,831
I hope you're not joking.
434
00:20:23,833 --> 00:20:27,234
Look, the truth is
I couldn't see past your money.
435
00:20:27,236 --> 00:20:28,836
All I saw was smurf.
436
00:20:28,838 --> 00:20:32,573
And I thought witches and smurfs
couldn't be together,
437
00:20:32,575 --> 00:20:35,876
But I was wrong.
438
00:20:35,878 --> 00:20:37,578
Yeah, you were.
439
00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:40,347
Max, did you get back
the check yet?
440
00:20:40,349 --> 00:20:42,616
Because I just found
a different investment guy.
441
00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:44,184
A legit one in germany.
442
00:20:44,186 --> 00:20:46,387
His name is herr schluffen.
443
00:20:46,389 --> 00:20:49,757
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm giving it back right now.
444
00:20:49,759 --> 00:20:52,493
Herr schluffen
can schluff off.
445
00:20:52,495 --> 00:20:55,129
Wait, max,
can I hold the million?
446
00:20:55,131 --> 00:20:59,867
For just one more second,
I want to be upper-middle class.
447
00:21:02,570 --> 00:21:05,139
(max)
caroline, give it back.