1
00:00:03,246 --> 00:00:05,547
Max, your boyfriend
is naked and waving

2
00:00:05,549 --> 00:00:08,050
From the dumpster
he calls his apartment.

3
00:00:08,052 --> 00:00:10,052
Make sure it's deke.

4
00:00:10,054 --> 00:00:11,086
Last time you said that,

5
00:00:11,088 --> 00:00:12,387
I went over,
and it was just

6
00:00:12,389 --> 00:00:14,556
A naked meth head
in a normal dumpster.

7
00:00:14,558 --> 00:00:17,359
I mean, we had a blast,
but still.

8
00:00:17,361 --> 00:00:19,995
Well, at least that meth head
bought a bunch of cupcakes.

9
00:00:19,997 --> 00:00:21,263
I mean, he thought
they were alive,

10
00:00:21,265 --> 00:00:23,031
But he bought them.

11
00:00:23,033 --> 00:00:24,866
Hey, I'm gonna
cut out early.

12
00:00:24,868 --> 00:00:27,002
You're sleeping over
again?

13
00:00:27,004 --> 00:00:29,204
Seriously, max,
sleeping in a dumpster?

14
00:00:29,206 --> 00:00:31,706
Are you trying
to bring sars back?

15
00:00:31,708 --> 00:00:34,042
Well, I did bring it in
the first time,

16
00:00:34,044 --> 00:00:35,444
And that is the last time
I hook up

17
00:00:35,446 --> 00:00:37,045
With a bat in thailand.

18
00:00:37,047 --> 00:00:39,548
(deke)
hey, max.

19
00:00:39,550 --> 00:00:43,018
Ugh!
[laughs]

20
00:00:43,020 --> 00:00:45,120
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

21
00:00:45,122 --> 00:00:46,788
[cash register bell dings]

22
00:00:46,790 --> 00:00:51,860
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

23
00:00:56,899 --> 00:00:58,867
Max is 45 minutes late.

24
00:00:58,869 --> 00:01:01,136
And she better not say
she have a prostate exam

25
00:01:01,138 --> 00:01:03,371
'cause I'm not falling
for that again.

26
00:01:03,373 --> 00:01:06,675
Relax, she's just down
the street at deke's place.

27
00:01:06,677 --> 00:01:07,976
You know how it is
when you

28
00:01:07,978 --> 00:01:09,544
First start sleeping
with somebody,

29
00:01:09,546 --> 00:01:10,812
And you can't keep
your hands off each other.

30
00:01:10,814 --> 00:01:14,483
Yeah, just take
my word for it.

31
00:01:14,485 --> 00:01:17,018
I know I couldn't keep my hands
off my first love.

32
00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:20,222
I'm talking, of course,
about my penis.

33
00:01:21,891 --> 00:01:23,158
I've had enough!

34
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:24,960
You two girls
walk all over me.

35
00:01:24,962 --> 00:01:28,463
A baby can walk
all over you.

36
00:01:28,465 --> 00:01:30,899
Hi, everybody.

37
00:01:32,835 --> 00:01:37,639
I just heard two hobos
getting freaky in the garbage.

38
00:01:37,641 --> 00:01:40,041
Sophie,
that was max and deke.

39
00:01:40,043 --> 00:01:42,477
Oh, I get it.

40
00:01:42,479 --> 00:01:45,814
You gotta do crazy things
to keep it fresh.

41
00:01:45,816 --> 00:01:49,618
You know, I once had sex
on a bus, and I was driving.

42
00:01:51,521 --> 00:01:54,756
Boy, were those kids
late to school.

43
00:01:56,659 --> 00:01:59,394
That's it,
I am marching over there

44
00:01:59,396 --> 00:02:00,762
And putting my foot down
with max.

45
00:02:00,764 --> 00:02:03,231
No one has sex
on my clock.

46
00:02:03,233 --> 00:02:06,735
Well, maybe your clock's
not big enough.

47
00:02:06,737 --> 00:02:09,638
That's it.
No more free jell-o.

48
00:02:15,745 --> 00:02:18,446
Max!

49
00:02:18,448 --> 00:02:19,581
Max, open up.

50
00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:20,649
I'm very upset.

51
00:02:20,651 --> 00:02:21,983
More upset
than that time

52
00:02:21,985 --> 00:02:24,452
You enrolled me
in little league.

53
00:02:24,454 --> 00:02:28,757
Hey, it was your decision
to play the full season.

54
00:02:28,759 --> 00:02:31,526
Oh, goody, I was hoping
for some hecklers at this,

55
00:02:31,528 --> 00:02:32,761
My lowest moment.

56
00:02:32,763 --> 00:02:34,296
Hey, if the dumpster's rockin',

57
00:02:34,298 --> 00:02:37,432
Don't bother knockin',
baby.

58
00:02:37,434 --> 00:02:40,001
Hey, man.

59
00:02:40,003 --> 00:02:42,304
Hello, little girl.

60
00:02:42,306 --> 00:02:44,506
I'll take three boxes
of samoas and a thin mints.

61
00:02:44,508 --> 00:02:46,107
Don't forget
my tagalongs.

62
00:02:46,109 --> 00:02:47,876
They're called
peanut butter patties now.

63
00:02:47,878 --> 00:02:50,045
Why must I be that person?

64
00:02:50,047 --> 00:02:51,213
What up, fools?

65
00:02:51,215 --> 00:02:53,448
Hey, girl.

66
00:02:53,450 --> 00:02:56,318
Max, you're 48 minutes
late for work.

67
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,453
Look, little debbie,

68
00:02:58,455 --> 00:02:59,921
We're in here preparing

69
00:02:59,923 --> 00:03:01,957
For a big pastry school
competition tomorrow.

70
00:03:01,959 --> 00:03:04,192
And having sex.

71
00:03:04,194 --> 00:03:06,261
And if you ever interrupt me
while I am studying...

72
00:03:06,263 --> 00:03:08,196
And having sex.

73
00:03:08,198 --> 00:03:10,732
Again, I will dropkick
your baby-powdered ass

74
00:03:10,734 --> 00:03:13,702
Back to the shire
with the other hobbits.

75
00:03:13,704 --> 00:03:16,471
I told her.

76
00:03:16,473 --> 00:03:19,541
Did you?

77
00:03:23,446 --> 00:03:25,614
(nicolas)
all flowers must be set on top
of the cakes

78
00:03:25,616 --> 00:03:27,315
By the time
we call "time."

79
00:03:27,317 --> 00:03:29,551
Everyone,
final touches.

80
00:03:29,553 --> 00:03:30,785
That's what I used to say

81
00:03:30,787 --> 00:03:32,754
When I finished
my shift at hooters.

82
00:03:32,756 --> 00:03:34,389
Hot. You still got
that uniform?

83
00:03:34,391 --> 00:03:35,924
Oh, not sure
it'd fit me anymore.

84
00:03:35,926 --> 00:03:38,660
I used to have
really big boobs.

85
00:03:38,662 --> 00:03:41,296
Bebe, how much time
is there left?

86
00:03:41,298 --> 00:03:42,897
For all of us?

87
00:03:42,899 --> 00:03:46,434
Oh, oh, gosh,
I'd say two months, tops.

88
00:03:46,436 --> 00:03:48,603
No, no,
for the cake competition.

89
00:03:48,605 --> 00:03:50,739
Oh, 60 seconds.

90
00:03:50,741 --> 00:03:53,074
Only 60 seconds?
Come on!

91
00:03:53,076 --> 00:03:55,143
I'm sorry, I can't handle
this pressure.

92
00:03:55,145 --> 00:03:56,611
It's only a matter
of time

93
00:03:56,613 --> 00:04:00,515
Before I start eating
my eyelashes again.

94
00:04:00,517 --> 00:04:02,817
The winning team will earn
a free week of class.

95
00:04:02,819 --> 00:04:05,854
And also--how do you say--
bragging rights.

96
00:04:05,856 --> 00:04:07,188
[all cheering]
hurry!

97
00:04:07,190 --> 00:04:10,425
Move faster,
lindsay slow-hands.

98
00:04:10,427 --> 00:04:12,193
Forget about it,
big mary.

99
00:04:12,195 --> 00:04:13,662
These competition
is ours.

100
00:04:13,664 --> 00:04:15,697
Deke and I are broke.
We need this more than you.

101
00:04:15,699 --> 00:04:18,099
15 seconds!

102
00:04:18,101 --> 00:04:20,869
Bonjour, caroline.
This is a real treat.

103
00:04:20,871 --> 00:04:22,704
Mm-mm, uh-uh, don't do that.
You're married.

104
00:04:22,706 --> 00:04:24,372
I'm only here
in an official capacity.

105
00:04:24,374 --> 00:04:26,241
Bebe's in an emotional ball
in the hall.

106
00:04:26,243 --> 00:04:27,542
Ten seconds!

107
00:04:27,544 --> 00:04:28,877
Come on, girl.

108
00:04:28,879 --> 00:04:30,378
Bring it home,
bring it home,

109
00:04:30,380 --> 00:04:31,613
Bring it home, bring it home!

110
00:04:31,615 --> 00:04:34,683
I am way too excited
about this.

111
00:04:34,685 --> 00:04:37,118
Okay, everybody.
I see a clear favorite here.

112
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,020
But, caroline,
in truth,

113
00:04:39,022 --> 00:04:41,556
If I were to pick the prettiest
flower in the room,

114
00:04:41,558 --> 00:04:43,625
I'd pick you.

115
00:04:43,627 --> 00:04:46,461
That is...Incredibly obvious

116
00:04:46,463 --> 00:04:49,064
And incredibly accurate.

117
00:04:49,066 --> 00:04:51,800
Oh, come on!
Get a stairwell!

118
00:04:51,802 --> 00:04:53,702
Your timer.

119
00:04:53,704 --> 00:04:54,936
<i>Merci.</i>

120
00:05:01,310 --> 00:05:03,611
Just tell us who won.

121
00:05:03,613 --> 00:05:07,315
The winners are,
I am very happy to say...

122
00:05:07,317 --> 00:05:09,017
Max and deke.

123
00:05:09,019 --> 00:05:11,219
[both cheering]

124
00:05:11,221 --> 00:05:13,188
You were amazing!
I love you.

125
00:05:13,190 --> 00:05:15,290
I love you too.

126
00:05:17,893 --> 00:05:19,661
Wait, you do?

127
00:05:19,663 --> 00:05:22,997
Do you?

128
00:05:22,999 --> 00:05:25,967
Yeah...I do.

129
00:05:25,969 --> 00:05:28,903
Yeah, well, I do too,

130
00:05:28,905 --> 00:05:31,973
So suck on that.

131
00:05:38,647 --> 00:05:40,382
Okay, two important things.

132
00:05:40,384 --> 00:05:44,119
One, I'm the guy you've been
talking to on okcupid.

133
00:05:45,821 --> 00:05:48,590
And two, I need five minutes
of girl talk

134
00:05:48,592 --> 00:05:49,991
And not a minute more
because I'm worried

135
00:05:49,993 --> 00:05:52,193
It'll turn me into a girl.

136
00:05:52,195 --> 00:05:53,395
Go. Tell me.

137
00:05:53,397 --> 00:05:55,463
Leave nothing out,
leave everything in.

138
00:05:55,465 --> 00:05:58,833
I said something today
I never thought I'd say.

139
00:05:58,835 --> 00:06:01,436
"thank you"?

140
00:06:01,438 --> 00:06:04,339
I said "I love you"
to deke.

141
00:06:04,341 --> 00:06:06,608
He said, "I love you,"
and I said it back.

142
00:06:06,610 --> 00:06:09,844
Oh, cool.
Good for you.

143
00:06:09,846 --> 00:06:12,280
Wait, that's it?

144
00:06:12,282 --> 00:06:14,349
I finally decide to cave
and be a girl for you,

145
00:06:14,351 --> 00:06:16,017
And you hang me out to dry?

146
00:06:16,019 --> 00:06:17,485
I've seen movies.

147
00:06:17,487 --> 00:06:18,686
You're supposed
to jump around and say,

148
00:06:18,688 --> 00:06:21,423
"this calls
for a margarita!"

149
00:06:21,425 --> 00:06:23,825
This calls
for a margarita!

150
00:06:23,827 --> 00:06:25,827
Too much, too late.

151
00:06:25,829 --> 00:06:27,462
Your first reaction
said everything,

152
00:06:27,464 --> 00:06:29,764
And your second one
was just annoying.

153
00:06:29,766 --> 00:06:31,599
I'm sorry,
I just didn't think

154
00:06:31,601 --> 00:06:33,301
You were taking him
so seriously.

155
00:06:33,303 --> 00:06:34,536
He has no money.

156
00:06:34,538 --> 00:06:36,337
I mean, the man
lives in a dumpster.

157
00:06:36,339 --> 00:06:38,606
You are such a snob.

158
00:06:38,608 --> 00:06:41,009
It doesn't bother you
he has to move his house

159
00:06:41,011 --> 00:06:43,778
Every Tuesday
between 10:00 and 2:00?

160
00:06:45,681 --> 00:06:49,117
No, I've always wanted
to travel.

161
00:06:49,119 --> 00:06:51,553
[knocks on door]

162
00:06:51,555 --> 00:06:55,156
Come on, you can't really be
in love with him, right?

163
00:06:55,158 --> 00:06:57,358
I mean,
you can't love deke.

164
00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:01,262
Max, you're in love with that
cute mochaccino homeless guy

165
00:07:01,264 --> 00:07:04,732
With the jew-fro?

166
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:07,902
He is not homeless.

167
00:07:07,904 --> 00:07:10,738
He lives in a beautifully
decorated dumpster.

168
00:07:10,740 --> 00:07:13,475
So homeless?

169
00:07:13,477 --> 00:07:15,210
I get it.

170
00:07:15,212 --> 00:07:17,145
You know,
I used to be engaged

171
00:07:17,147 --> 00:07:20,315
To a man who lived
in the sewers.

172
00:07:20,317 --> 00:07:23,384
Yeah, the heart wants
what it wants.

173
00:07:23,386 --> 00:07:25,920
Plus he told me
he was friends

174
00:07:25,922 --> 00:07:27,255
With the mutant ninja turtles,

175
00:07:27,257 --> 00:07:30,658
And they were
a huge deal at the time.

176
00:07:30,660 --> 00:07:33,161
At the time?

177
00:07:33,163 --> 00:07:36,130
If he can introduce me
to donatello, get him back.

178
00:07:36,132 --> 00:07:39,667
How did you know
you loved this...Sewer man?

179
00:07:39,669 --> 00:07:43,438
Well, he made me laugh.

180
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:45,907
He was very passionate,

181
00:07:45,909 --> 00:07:49,677
And I wanted
to be with him constantly.

182
00:07:49,679 --> 00:07:52,981
Probably because he got me
hooked on heroin.

183
00:07:52,983 --> 00:07:56,084
That was a crazy summer.

184
00:07:56,086 --> 00:07:58,853
See?
I feel the same way.

185
00:07:58,855 --> 00:08:02,991
Minus the heroin part,
unfortunately.

186
00:08:02,993 --> 00:08:04,592
Can I use your bathroom?

187
00:08:04,594 --> 00:08:07,662
I have to tinkle,
and there's a wasp in mine.

188
00:08:07,664 --> 00:08:10,598
Go ahead, sophie.

189
00:08:11,734 --> 00:08:13,334
What's that look?

190
00:08:13,336 --> 00:08:14,936
Is the wasp behind me?

191
00:08:14,938 --> 00:08:17,372
I can't believe you.

192
00:08:17,374 --> 00:08:19,374
Even after three years
of being friends with me,

193
00:08:19,376 --> 00:08:21,376
You still have a thing
against poor people.

194
00:08:21,378 --> 00:08:24,512
Max, you love him,
I can love him.
[toilet flushes]

195
00:08:24,514 --> 00:08:26,180
I just have to get
to know him better.

196
00:08:26,182 --> 00:08:27,415
Invite me over
to the garbage can

197
00:08:27,417 --> 00:08:29,417
For a wine and cheese party.

198
00:08:29,419 --> 00:08:31,686
Wait a minute.
Wine and cheese party?

199
00:08:31,688 --> 00:08:34,289
Oh, I'm gonna bring
my new boy toy.

200
00:08:34,291 --> 00:08:38,993
He's the caesar salad pepperer
at the olive garden.

201
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:42,697
No dates, sophie.

202
00:08:42,699 --> 00:08:44,032
The place is so small,

203
00:08:44,034 --> 00:08:46,301
I once accidentally took it home
in my purse.

204
00:08:51,073 --> 00:08:52,307
[sniffs]
mmm.

205
00:08:52,309 --> 00:08:53,875
This camembert
smells like feet,

206
00:08:53,877 --> 00:08:56,878
So you know it's good.

207
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,980
Look at you,
mayor mccheese.

208
00:08:58,982 --> 00:09:00,448
So fancy.

209
00:09:00,450 --> 00:09:03,351
It's just the usual diner crew,
you know.

210
00:09:03,353 --> 00:09:07,055
We serve
imitation imitation crab.

211
00:09:07,057 --> 00:09:09,791
Well, I just wanted
to class the place up for you.

212
00:09:09,793 --> 00:09:14,295
You know, get some wine,
get some cheese, flush.

213
00:09:14,297 --> 00:09:15,863
You did not
need to do that.

214
00:09:15,865 --> 00:09:17,365
I love
that you live here.

215
00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:19,901
And if a dumpster was
good enough for me as a baby,

216
00:09:19,903 --> 00:09:22,003
It is still good enough for me
as an adult.

217
00:09:22,005 --> 00:09:24,672
Oh, you love
that I live here.

218
00:09:24,674 --> 00:09:27,041
Do you love anything else?

219
00:09:27,043 --> 00:09:29,077
Well, I loved
<i>the karate kid</i> movies

220
00:09:29,079 --> 00:09:33,047
Until will smith's kid
ruined them.

221
00:09:33,049 --> 00:09:34,816
Okay, can we please be serious
for a minute?

222
00:09:34,818 --> 00:09:36,684
Did you just say "I love you"
because I said it first?

223
00:09:36,686 --> 00:09:39,721
Look, honestly, yes.

224
00:09:39,723 --> 00:09:42,423
But I definitely meant it,
I think.

225
00:09:42,425 --> 00:09:44,659
Look, I suck at this stuff.

226
00:09:44,661 --> 00:09:47,061
This and not laughing
when kids fall.

227
00:09:49,665 --> 00:09:52,200
Just know that
if/when I say it again,

228
00:09:52,202 --> 00:09:53,368
I will mean it.

229
00:09:53,370 --> 00:09:56,104
I can totally wait--
I love you, max.

230
00:09:56,106 --> 00:09:57,505
Nice try, sneaky.

231
00:09:57,507 --> 00:09:59,607
[knocks on door]

232
00:09:59,609 --> 00:10:01,709
(max)
oh, hi. Come on in.

233
00:10:01,711 --> 00:10:04,612
And be nice.
Remember, you barely have a bed.

234
00:10:04,614 --> 00:10:07,348
Don't worry.
I love this area.

235
00:10:07,350 --> 00:10:10,184
I met your neighbor,
the mattress.

236
00:10:10,186 --> 00:10:12,253
Oh, that queen?

237
00:10:12,255 --> 00:10:15,390
So would you like a cabernet
or a shiraz?

238
00:10:15,392 --> 00:10:17,859
[chuckles]
shiraz.

239
00:10:17,861 --> 00:10:20,294
Oh, that's a real name?

240
00:10:20,296 --> 00:10:22,563
Oh, wow.

241
00:10:22,565 --> 00:10:24,866
Some interesting pairings here.

242
00:10:24,868 --> 00:10:27,268
In fact, I'm looking
at one as we speak.

243
00:10:27,270 --> 00:10:30,238
Please, someone else
come right now.

244
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,940
[knocks on door]

245
00:10:32,942 --> 00:10:34,275
Hi, everyone!

246
00:10:34,277 --> 00:10:36,711
I'm here.

247
00:10:36,713 --> 00:10:38,646
Please, someone else
come right now.

248
00:10:38,648 --> 00:10:41,716
I brought some homemade
kimchi bin dae duk.

249
00:10:41,718 --> 00:10:43,251
Would you like to try it,

250
00:10:43,253 --> 00:10:46,054
Or should I just throw it
right into the garbage?

251
00:10:46,056 --> 00:10:49,657
It took me a year to get
this kind of smell out of here,

252
00:10:49,659 --> 00:10:52,393
But thanks, han.

253
00:10:52,395 --> 00:10:54,796
Oh, what a dump.

254
00:10:54,798 --> 00:10:56,064
[chuckles]

255
00:10:56,066 --> 00:10:58,966
I thought of that
on the way over.

256
00:10:58,968 --> 00:11:01,069
All right, let's do this.

257
00:11:01,071 --> 00:11:05,139
I'm ready to rage
all night, baby.

258
00:11:06,408 --> 00:11:08,142
Oh, hell no.

259
00:11:08,144 --> 00:11:10,978
I am too old for this.

260
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:12,146
Sophie, watch your head.

261
00:11:12,148 --> 00:11:13,481
You might wanna
take your heels off.

262
00:11:13,483 --> 00:11:16,884
Take my heels off?

263
00:11:16,886 --> 00:11:22,056
Communist russia couldn't get me
to take my heels off.

264
00:11:22,058 --> 00:11:25,359
Hey, earl, you wanna go
get drunk somewhere

265
00:11:25,361 --> 00:11:29,230
We don't have to bend over
till we want to?

266
00:11:29,232 --> 00:11:32,300
Indeed, I do.

267
00:11:35,671 --> 00:11:37,739
Not to brag,
but I'm the only one

268
00:11:37,741 --> 00:11:41,342
Who can stand up in here.

269
00:11:41,344 --> 00:11:43,711
Cool brag, han.

270
00:11:43,713 --> 00:11:45,947
So, deke,
tell me about yourself.

271
00:11:45,949 --> 00:11:48,116
Hey, stop
guantanamo bay-ing him.

272
00:11:48,118 --> 00:11:50,118
Well, I go to pastry school,

273
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,519
I live in a dumpster,

274
00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:53,287
And I was thrown out
of one direction

275
00:11:53,289 --> 00:11:54,455
For being too handsome.

276
00:11:54,457 --> 00:11:55,857
That's about it.

277
00:11:55,859 --> 00:11:57,191
There must be
more to you than that.

278
00:11:57,193 --> 00:11:58,593
I mean,
I'm surprised to see

279
00:11:58,595 --> 00:12:00,428
A roquefort cheese
paired with a 2001 syrah

280
00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:02,830
From the rhone region of France
at a dumpster party.

281
00:12:02,832 --> 00:12:03,931
Where'd you learn
about wine?

282
00:12:03,933 --> 00:12:05,700
Well, I wanted to impress you,

283
00:12:05,702 --> 00:12:09,270
And I keep my adult grape juice
game on point.

284
00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:11,639
So where are you
from originally?

285
00:12:11,641 --> 00:12:13,808
Did you grow up
in a storage facility or--

286
00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:15,510
Will you stop?

287
00:12:15,512 --> 00:12:18,146
He looks nervous like
the fat guy at a birthday party

288
00:12:18,148 --> 00:12:19,781
When he finds out
there's a pool.

289
00:12:19,783 --> 00:12:21,149
[knocks on door]

290
00:12:21,151 --> 00:12:24,485
(deke)
coming, coming.

291
00:12:24,487 --> 00:12:26,988
Good.
We have the right dumpster.

292
00:12:26,990 --> 00:12:29,357
I brought some wine.
Bebe brought cheese.

293
00:12:29,359 --> 00:12:30,858
Kind of.

294
00:12:30,860 --> 00:12:32,293
Hey, guys,
thanks for inviting me.

295
00:12:32,295 --> 00:12:33,561
Happy to be included.

296
00:12:33,563 --> 00:12:36,497
All right,
another babe.

297
00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:38,166
Throw your keys in the bowl.

298
00:12:38,168 --> 00:12:40,501
Right now,
it's just me and han, and...

299
00:12:40,503 --> 00:12:44,205
That ain't happening.

300
00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:46,407
What is nicolas doing here?
Hide me.

301
00:12:46,409 --> 00:12:50,077
I think you're gonna
run into him.

302
00:12:50,079 --> 00:12:52,079
Sorry, I thought
you were into him.

303
00:12:52,081 --> 00:12:53,214
I'm not into him.

304
00:12:53,216 --> 00:12:55,016
Please, caroline,
relax.

305
00:12:55,018 --> 00:12:56,584
It's just a party.
I'm here as a friend.

306
00:12:56,586 --> 00:12:58,619
Then where is your hand?

307
00:12:58,621 --> 00:13:01,289
On your beautiful bottom.

308
00:13:01,291 --> 00:13:02,456
Sorry, it's crowded.

309
00:13:02,458 --> 00:13:03,758
It was either there
or in the sink.

310
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,459
Please remove it.

311
00:13:05,461 --> 00:13:07,228
I-I did.

312
00:13:07,230 --> 00:13:10,498
That one's mine, baby.

313
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:17,505
Come on, it's 8:45,
and nobody's got their tops off.

314
00:13:17,507 --> 00:13:20,608
Somebody's gotta
do something.

315
00:13:20,610 --> 00:13:24,312
Oh, one time I played
seven minutes in heaven.

316
00:13:24,314 --> 00:13:26,414
Well, I got hit by a bus,

317
00:13:26,416 --> 00:13:28,482
And I was dead
for seven minutes.

318
00:13:28,484 --> 00:13:30,618
Bebe, do you want some wine?

319
00:13:30,620 --> 00:13:32,253
Sure, why not?

320
00:13:32,255 --> 00:13:33,621
I don't have anything
to do tomorrow

321
00:13:33,623 --> 00:13:35,456
Except move to canada.

322
00:13:35,458 --> 00:13:36,624
(all)
what?

323
00:13:36,626 --> 00:13:37,658
Yeah, no biggie.

324
00:13:37,660 --> 00:13:39,093
Long story short,

325
00:13:39,095 --> 00:13:41,963
They found me.

326
00:13:41,965 --> 00:13:44,632
Caroline, looks like
it's gonna be just you and me

327
00:13:44,634 --> 00:13:45,633
In the office.

328
00:13:45,635 --> 00:13:46,868
Nicolas, please.

329
00:13:46,870 --> 00:13:48,336
What did I tell you
about your hand?

330
00:13:48,338 --> 00:13:50,671
(han)
that's me!

331
00:13:50,673 --> 00:13:54,642
I was trying to push my way
to the cheese.

332
00:13:54,644 --> 00:13:56,844
Hey, bebe gun,
if you're ever in alberta,

333
00:13:56,846 --> 00:13:59,714
Hit the fairmont at banff--
super fun.

334
00:13:59,716 --> 00:14:02,550
I got wasted and cannonballed
into the lake there once.

335
00:14:02,552 --> 00:14:05,853
It was frozen.
Shattered my pelvis.

336
00:14:05,855 --> 00:14:07,421
Good times.

337
00:14:07,423 --> 00:14:08,956
Hey, I know that place.

338
00:14:08,958 --> 00:14:10,524
Fairmont chateau
on lake louise?

339
00:14:10,526 --> 00:14:11,893
We used to winter there.

340
00:14:11,895 --> 00:14:13,594
That's
a really exclusive resort.

341
00:14:13,596 --> 00:14:15,229
I once saw them tell
barbra streisand

342
00:14:15,231 --> 00:14:16,964
To take it
to the holiday inn.

343
00:14:16,966 --> 00:14:19,267
Caroline, you want
some of my triple creme?

344
00:14:19,269 --> 00:14:21,802
I don't want
any of your creme.

345
00:14:21,804 --> 00:14:23,371
You know what, it's getting
a little crowded in here.

346
00:14:23,373 --> 00:14:25,239
I'm just gonna slip out
without anyone noticing.

347
00:14:25,241 --> 00:14:27,375
Oh, excuse me.

348
00:14:27,377 --> 00:14:30,645
Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me.

349
00:14:30,647 --> 00:14:32,914
(max)
wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

350
00:14:32,916 --> 00:14:34,582
So...

351
00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:36,617
Deke--what do you think?
Do you like him now?

352
00:14:36,619 --> 00:14:38,319
Well, before tonight,

353
00:14:38,321 --> 00:14:39,787
I thought he was the guy
who walks around

354
00:14:39,789 --> 00:14:41,255
Singing
"when you're sliding into home

355
00:14:41,257 --> 00:14:43,391
And your shorts
are full of foam, diarrhea."

356
00:14:43,393 --> 00:14:45,893
Now I find out he knows
all about cheese

357
00:14:45,895 --> 00:14:48,129
And has been to
this massively expensive resort,

358
00:14:48,131 --> 00:14:50,331
So I'm even more confused.

359
00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:51,766
What's confusing?

360
00:14:51,768 --> 00:14:54,001
The foam is diarrhea.

361
00:14:54,003 --> 00:14:55,603
Caroline, wait.

362
00:14:55,605 --> 00:14:57,805
Let me walk with you.
No, no, no. I'm good.

363
00:14:57,807 --> 00:14:59,840
Please, at least take my scarf.
It's cold.

364
00:14:59,842 --> 00:15:01,976
No, I'm fine--

365
00:15:04,513 --> 00:15:06,580
Are you okay?
Here, let me help.
No, nicolas.

366
00:15:06,582 --> 00:15:08,883
I am not going
to be the other woman.

367
00:15:08,885 --> 00:15:11,185
Despite the fact that
I am literally lying in trash,

368
00:15:11,187 --> 00:15:13,120
I am not trashy.

369
00:15:16,725 --> 00:15:17,992
Caroline, listen.

370
00:15:17,994 --> 00:15:21,095
Things aren't always
what they seem.

371
00:15:21,097 --> 00:15:23,831
Just because that is garbage
on the outside

372
00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:24,999
Doesn't mean
that it cannot be

373
00:15:25,001 --> 00:15:26,500
A nice apartment
on the inside.

374
00:15:26,502 --> 00:15:28,769
Just because I'm married
on the outside

375
00:15:28,771 --> 00:15:31,505
Doesn't mean I'm married
on the inside.

376
00:15:31,507 --> 00:15:33,274
Life is complex.

377
00:15:33,276 --> 00:15:35,743
Your whole thesis is hinged
on the fact

378
00:15:35,745 --> 00:15:38,579
That I think that dumpster
is nice on the inside,

379
00:15:38,581 --> 00:15:41,282
Which I don't.
Good night.

380
00:15:41,284 --> 00:15:43,451
Oh, caroline--
nicolas, please don't beg.

381
00:15:43,453 --> 00:15:45,419
I just--
maybe another world,
another life.

382
00:15:45,421 --> 00:15:47,888
I want--
you can't leave
your wife for me.

383
00:15:47,890 --> 00:15:49,890
No, it's just--
seriously!
You don't have to say it.

384
00:15:49,892 --> 00:15:51,926
No, I do.

385
00:15:51,928 --> 00:15:54,495
You have a diaper
on your back.

386
00:15:56,131 --> 00:15:58,666
I am aware.

387
00:16:07,976 --> 00:16:09,343
What are you
working on there?

388
00:16:09,345 --> 00:16:11,278
Is that a family
having a picnic at a park?

389
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:14,548
No,
it's the letter "g"!

390
00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:18,019
I haven't written anything
by hand since 1996.

391
00:16:18,021 --> 00:16:19,720
Well, my writing's
really good.

392
00:16:19,722 --> 00:16:22,723
I forge a lot of checks
and prescriptions.

393
00:16:22,725 --> 00:16:25,960
I'm kind of a famous doctor.

394
00:16:31,166 --> 00:16:32,900
You're really saying it.
That says, "I love you."

395
00:16:32,902 --> 00:16:37,905
No, it's khloe kardashian
windsurfing.

396
00:16:37,907 --> 00:16:39,974
Yes, deke, I love you.

397
00:16:42,177 --> 00:16:43,811
Oh, bebe.

398
00:16:43,813 --> 00:16:46,013
I wasn't expecting you today.
I thought you moved.

399
00:16:46,015 --> 00:16:47,014
I'm on my way.

400
00:16:47,016 --> 00:16:48,349
My car's outside,

401
00:16:48,351 --> 00:16:52,219
But I remembered I left
my medication here.

402
00:16:55,457 --> 00:16:59,460
Okay, now where's
the big one?

403
00:16:59,462 --> 00:17:01,062
Well, as long
as you're here,

404
00:17:01,064 --> 00:17:03,064
Could you show me where
the student financial files are?

405
00:17:03,066 --> 00:17:05,099
Sure, they're here
in this folder

406
00:17:05,101 --> 00:17:07,435
I've labeled "depressing."

407
00:17:07,437 --> 00:17:09,970
I wanna check deke's file
and see if he's on scholarship.

408
00:17:09,972 --> 00:17:12,106
He's definitely
not on scholarship.

409
00:17:12,108 --> 00:17:14,408
His family's super rich.
He's a bromberg.

410
00:17:14,410 --> 00:17:16,777
Wait, bebe.
Bromberg?

411
00:17:16,779 --> 00:17:19,113
I thought deke's last name
was just "berg."

412
00:17:19,115 --> 00:17:22,583
As in "ice" or "pitts."

413
00:17:22,585 --> 00:17:24,351
No, he just goes
by berg for short.

414
00:17:24,353 --> 00:17:28,522
You know, like me,
my full name is bebebebe.

415
00:17:30,859 --> 00:17:34,428
So you're telling me deke
is from the bromberg family,

416
00:17:34,430 --> 00:17:36,163
As in the bromberg elevators--

417
00:17:36,165 --> 00:17:38,766
The ones that are
in every building in the city?

418
00:17:38,768 --> 00:17:40,835
As in the bromberg
colo-rectal center

419
00:17:40,837 --> 00:17:42,269
At the new york hospital?

420
00:17:42,271 --> 00:17:44,171
Yeah.

421
00:17:44,173 --> 00:17:46,040
You know,
I once left a purse

422
00:17:46,042 --> 00:17:49,176
And 2 feet
of my large intestine there.

423
00:17:49,178 --> 00:17:51,612
Nice knowing you.
Bye.

424
00:17:55,917 --> 00:17:57,451
Ooh, I'll be right back.

425
00:17:57,453 --> 00:17:58,552
If you mess up our batter,

426
00:17:58,554 --> 00:18:00,955
I'll cut your thing off.

427
00:18:00,957 --> 00:18:04,458
Sweet, I could stand
to lose 5 pounds.

428
00:18:06,528 --> 00:18:08,762
I have some exciting news
to share.

429
00:18:08,764 --> 00:18:10,798
Unless it's about
an off-season shamrock shake,

430
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:11,799
I don't care.

431
00:18:11,801 --> 00:18:14,635
Your deke--dumpster deke--

432
00:18:14,637 --> 00:18:16,937
Is actually deacon bromberg.

433
00:18:16,939 --> 00:18:19,106
Of the manhattan brombergs!
He's rich!

434
00:18:19,108 --> 00:18:20,908
What are you talking about?
That is crazy.

435
00:18:20,910 --> 00:18:22,610
I would know
if he were rich.

436
00:18:22,612 --> 00:18:24,712
I wouldn't have just told
a rich guy I love him.

437
00:18:24,714 --> 00:18:26,614
It's all right here.
Isn't this amazing?

438
00:18:26,616 --> 00:18:28,282
This is like

439
00:18:28,284 --> 00:18:29,383
Buying a dress you love

440
00:18:29,385 --> 00:18:31,519
And finding out it's rich.

441
00:18:37,726 --> 00:18:39,660
Whoa, why'd you do that?

442
00:18:39,662 --> 00:18:42,163
You're rich.
Max, wait.

443
00:18:42,165 --> 00:18:45,666
You pretended to be poor.
Liar.

444
00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:49,470
Ooh, lordy be.

445
00:18:49,472 --> 00:18:51,005
This kind of drama's
the reason

446
00:18:51,007 --> 00:18:53,908
Why I quit
the ohio state football team.

447
00:19:00,215 --> 00:19:01,715
Why are you so upset?

448
00:19:01,717 --> 00:19:05,019
Lying about being rich
is at most a little white lie.

449
00:19:05,021 --> 00:19:08,522
It is literally the whitest lie
I have ever heard,

450
00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:10,024
And it's a huge deal.

451
00:19:10,026 --> 00:19:11,325
I never would
have fallen in love

452
00:19:11,327 --> 00:19:12,593
With someone who has money.

453
00:19:12,595 --> 00:19:15,095
We are drastically,
massively,

454
00:19:15,097 --> 00:19:17,331
Monumentally different people.

455
00:19:17,333 --> 00:19:20,367
Hey, max, can we talk?
Oh, I don't know.

456
00:19:20,369 --> 00:19:22,436
Depends on
who I'm talking to.

457
00:19:22,438 --> 00:19:25,206
Am I talking to deke
or deacon bromberg,

458
00:19:25,208 --> 00:19:26,674
The elevator king?

459
00:19:26,676 --> 00:19:28,776
Man, if you're this upset
about the money,

460
00:19:28,778 --> 00:19:30,110
How are you gonna react
when you find out

461
00:19:30,112 --> 00:19:33,347
I'm really a woman?

462
00:19:33,349 --> 00:19:35,950
We wouldn't care.

463
00:19:35,952 --> 00:19:38,552
I never tell anybody
I'm rich

464
00:19:38,554 --> 00:19:40,187
Until after we say I love you

465
00:19:40,189 --> 00:19:42,690
Because I don't want money
to change anything.

466
00:19:42,692 --> 00:19:44,792
Money changes everything!

467
00:19:44,794 --> 00:19:46,060
Now excuse me.

468
00:19:46,062 --> 00:19:47,561
I gotta do my second job,

469
00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:49,230
Which you wouldn't
know anything about.

470
00:19:49,232 --> 00:19:52,066
Don't you have
an ascot convention to get to?

471
00:19:52,068 --> 00:19:54,301
<i>(deke)</i>
<i>still here.</i>

472
00:19:54,303 --> 00:19:57,037
Also, two customers
just showed up.

473
00:19:57,039 --> 00:19:58,706
We don't need their money!

474
00:19:58,708 --> 00:20:01,775
We're big, fat liars pretending
to be poor too.

475
00:20:01,777 --> 00:20:05,546
Mm, yeah,
my mom invented dogs.

476
00:20:05,548 --> 00:20:10,150
Any time someone buys a dog,
we get 10%!

477
00:20:10,152 --> 00:20:11,619
Now I can't believe it.

478
00:20:11,621 --> 00:20:13,921
Even after three years
with me as a friend,

479
00:20:13,923 --> 00:20:15,756
You still have a thing
against rich people.

480
00:20:15,758 --> 00:20:18,125
Mm-hmm, I do,
because rich people suck.

481
00:20:18,127 --> 00:20:19,460
They think
they're better than everyone

482
00:20:19,462 --> 00:20:20,828
And are generally sucky.

483
00:20:20,830 --> 00:20:23,264
So he has money,
I don't want it.

484
00:20:23,266 --> 00:20:26,233
Again, just wildly
different people.

485
00:20:26,235 --> 00:20:28,469
And, max, just because
he's rich on the outside

486
00:20:28,471 --> 00:20:30,838
Doesn't mean he's not like you
on the inside.

487
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,439
Life is complex.

488
00:20:32,441 --> 00:20:33,774
[knocks on window]

489
00:20:33,776 --> 00:20:35,743
I don't wanna
see you right now!

490
00:20:35,745 --> 00:20:38,779
Hey!
I don't wanna see you either.

491
00:20:38,781 --> 00:20:40,581
Just toss me
something chocolate

492
00:20:40,583 --> 00:20:43,083
With some cream
in the middle.

493
00:20:43,085 --> 00:20:45,319
And speaking of cream
in the middle,

494
00:20:45,321 --> 00:20:50,090
Your little homeless boyfriend
is trying to get your attention.

495
00:20:50,092 --> 00:20:52,793
He's not homeless.
He's not my boyfriend.

496
00:20:52,795 --> 00:20:54,161
He's rich.

497
00:20:54,163 --> 00:20:57,197
Rich?
And he's single?

498
00:20:57,199 --> 00:20:58,432
[gasps]

499
00:20:58,434 --> 00:21:01,302
Oh, maybe I will
take off my heels.

500
00:21:06,241 --> 00:21:08,075
[cash register bell dings]