1
00:00:01,944 --> 00:00:05,247
[rap music]
2
00:00:05,249 --> 00:00:07,649
Max, that car
has been parked outside
3
00:00:07,651 --> 00:00:08,884
For a week now.
4
00:00:08,886 --> 00:00:10,719
Do you think
they're selling drugs?
5
00:00:10,721 --> 00:00:12,220
Let me rephrase that.
6
00:00:12,222 --> 00:00:14,723
Are they selling drugs
to you?
7
00:00:14,725 --> 00:00:19,261
No. They're not
buying either.
8
00:00:19,263 --> 00:00:22,064
Hi. We have a new
mochaccino cupcake.
9
00:00:22,066 --> 00:00:23,498
Oh, no. No, no, no.
10
00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:26,401
That car's not with us.
11
00:00:26,403 --> 00:00:28,103
Well, that's
the third customer
12
00:00:28,105 --> 00:00:31,006
That didn't stop
because of that rap car.
13
00:00:31,008 --> 00:00:34,376
To be fair, this place
wasn't walmart on back Friday
14
00:00:34,378 --> 00:00:36,411
Before the car showed up.
15
00:00:36,413 --> 00:00:38,180
I'm gonna go ask it to move.
16
00:00:38,182 --> 00:00:41,016
Cool. I'll tell your horse
you died brave.
17
00:00:41,018 --> 00:00:43,251
Stupid, but brave.
18
00:00:43,253 --> 00:00:46,088
At least take this pan,
and cover the part
19
00:00:46,090 --> 00:00:47,989
You want to get shot in
the least.
20
00:00:50,460 --> 00:00:52,461
Hi. Can I talk to you
for a second?
21
00:00:52,463 --> 00:00:55,564
I need to see your head
at all times.
22
00:00:55,566 --> 00:00:58,133
[rap music blaring]
23
00:00:58,135 --> 00:01:02,771
First of all,
they're obsessed with me.
24
00:01:02,773 --> 00:01:05,340
Second of all,
I handled it.
25
00:01:05,342 --> 00:01:06,541
Aah!
26
00:01:06,543 --> 00:01:09,044
Have I been shot?
27
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,381
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
28
00:01:13,383 --> 00:01:15,050
[cash register bell dings]
29
00:01:15,052 --> 00:01:19,054
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
30
00:01:25,328 --> 00:01:27,662
Well, I did it.
I saved the neighborhood.
31
00:01:27,664 --> 00:01:29,197
You had a car towed.
32
00:01:29,199 --> 00:01:32,167
You didn't burn down
the bed bath & beyond.
33
00:01:32,169 --> 00:01:34,703
It wasn't the blue one
with the tinted windows,
34
00:01:34,705 --> 00:01:36,605
Aka, the murder car?
35
00:01:36,607 --> 00:01:39,341
Aka, the murder car?
36
00:01:39,343 --> 00:01:42,511
Tell me that's the name
of the make and model,
37
00:01:42,513 --> 00:01:45,180
Like, "the toyota murder."
38
00:01:45,182 --> 00:01:48,283
Are you sure you're not thinking
of the honda stabbing?
39
00:01:48,285 --> 00:01:51,453
Caroline, some guy stopped by
asking for you
40
00:01:51,455 --> 00:01:54,456
With a festive bandana
and a teardrop tattoo.
41
00:01:54,458 --> 00:01:57,192
A festive bandana
and a teardrop tattoo--
42
00:01:57,194 --> 00:01:59,528
Are you sure
it wasn't my mother?
43
00:01:59,530 --> 00:02:01,630
He said he wanted to talk to you
about his car,
44
00:02:01,632 --> 00:02:02,998
So I gave him your number.
45
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,333
Han!
I thought
he was your friend.
46
00:02:05,335 --> 00:02:08,336
I don't have friends
with tattoos.
47
00:02:08,338 --> 00:02:12,474
I don't even have friends
with split ends.
48
00:02:12,476 --> 00:02:14,676
You gave
a stranger my number.
49
00:02:14,678 --> 00:02:18,146
Your number, your email,
and your address.
50
00:02:18,148 --> 00:02:19,848
What?
You're a busy girl.
51
00:02:19,850 --> 00:02:22,050
I didn't know the best way
for him to reach you.
52
00:02:22,052 --> 00:02:24,786
Oh, my god.
Max, am I in trouble?
53
00:02:24,788 --> 00:02:27,722
[bell rings]
pick-up, dead meat.
54
00:02:27,724 --> 00:02:29,824
What does that mean?
55
00:02:29,826 --> 00:02:31,560
It means it's never
a good idea to have
56
00:02:31,562 --> 00:02:33,895
A car with
tinted windows towed.
57
00:02:33,897 --> 00:02:35,830
That's rule number one.
58
00:02:35,832 --> 00:02:37,632
I thought rule number one was,
59
00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:40,302
"always wipe
front to back."
60
00:02:40,304 --> 00:02:42,737
Max, I'm worried.
Me too.
61
00:02:42,739 --> 00:02:45,807
I thought it was
back to front.
62
00:02:47,009 --> 00:02:48,877
What's up, nat king cool?
63
00:02:48,879 --> 00:02:51,846
Hey, my brother
from a jewish mother.
64
00:02:51,848 --> 00:02:55,617
Hey, my daddy
that just smoked a fatty.
65
00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:00,121
Oh, look, max,
it's your boyfriend.
66
00:03:00,123 --> 00:03:02,157
He's not my boyfriend.
We just made out.
67
00:03:02,159 --> 00:03:03,792
I make out with people
all the time.
68
00:03:03,794 --> 00:03:05,994
I made out with a guy
in the diner last week.
69
00:03:05,996 --> 00:03:07,629
That wasn't making out.
70
00:03:07,631 --> 00:03:11,166
He was choking,
and you gave him mouth-to-mouth.
71
00:03:11,168 --> 00:03:14,469
Yeah, but it led to sex.
Go away.
72
00:03:14,471 --> 00:03:17,505
Hey, max, I came in
to ask you something.
73
00:03:17,507 --> 00:03:20,242
They're natural,
and they hurt my back.
74
00:03:20,244 --> 00:03:22,143
I also wanted to know
75
00:03:22,145 --> 00:03:23,979
If you want to hang
tomorrow night.
76
00:03:23,981 --> 00:03:27,148
We could watch tv
with our shirts off.
77
00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:30,619
Maybe. And I'll buy you
some dinner if you put out.
78
00:03:30,621 --> 00:03:32,254
Ooh, so like a date.
79
00:03:32,256 --> 00:03:34,956
I'm willing to throw
$10, $15 at this thing.
80
00:03:34,958 --> 00:03:39,527
You want to throw $15
at my thing?
81
00:03:39,529 --> 00:03:41,429
Great.
82
00:03:41,431 --> 00:03:44,299
I usually charge $5.
83
00:03:44,301 --> 00:03:47,035
You came all the way here
to ask me out?
84
00:03:47,037 --> 00:03:48,603
I'm old-fashioned.
85
00:03:48,605 --> 00:03:50,805
Plus, I dropped my phone
in the toilet.
86
00:03:50,807 --> 00:03:53,341
See ya tomorrow.
Okay.
87
00:03:53,343 --> 00:03:56,611
Now go.
I have a job to not do.
88
00:03:56,613 --> 00:03:59,414
Okay.
Go, idiot.
89
00:03:59,416 --> 00:04:01,583
Okay, dummy.
90
00:04:01,585 --> 00:04:05,387
(all)
aww.
91
00:04:05,389 --> 00:04:08,456
Okay, han,
I can't hold you up anymore.
92
00:04:15,598 --> 00:04:18,300
Max, I think I just saw
the murder car go by,
93
00:04:18,302 --> 00:04:19,701
Out the bathroom window.
94
00:04:19,703 --> 00:04:21,770
What exactly did you see?
95
00:04:21,772 --> 00:04:24,406
A car.
96
00:04:24,408 --> 00:04:27,108
No, seriously, I think
it followed me home.
97
00:04:27,110 --> 00:04:28,943
Well, three years ago,
you followed me home,
98
00:04:28,945 --> 00:04:30,879
So we're even.
99
00:04:30,881 --> 00:04:33,782
There you go, nancy.
100
00:04:33,784 --> 00:04:35,317
Okay, I'm off on my date.
101
00:04:35,319 --> 00:04:36,818
You can't
leave me here alone.
102
00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:38,486
There's a murder car
out there.
103
00:04:38,488 --> 00:04:41,089
Relax.
No one is after you.
104
00:04:41,091 --> 00:04:42,557
Oh, really?
105
00:04:42,559 --> 00:04:44,159
What about the person
who yelled,
106
00:04:44,161 --> 00:04:47,329
"watch yo back, bitch,"
when we were walking home?
107
00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:51,800
That was me,
to that girl scout.
108
00:04:51,802 --> 00:04:54,235
If you tell someone
you're carrying thin mints,
109
00:04:54,237 --> 00:04:57,105
You best be carrying
thin mints.
110
00:04:57,107 --> 00:04:59,641
Max, you're coming back
tonight, right?
111
00:04:59,643 --> 00:05:01,042
I'm kind of afraid.
112
00:05:01,044 --> 00:05:02,811
I've never been here
alone at night.
113
00:05:02,813 --> 00:05:05,046
If you don't want to be alone,
why don't you call han?
114
00:05:05,048 --> 00:05:08,083
Very funny.
115
00:05:08,085 --> 00:05:11,486
I did. Han's busy.
116
00:05:11,488 --> 00:05:14,489
He's going to a country
square dance on second life.
117
00:05:14,491 --> 00:05:15,924
It's an online game,
118
00:05:15,926 --> 00:05:18,226
But he says
it's more of a lifestyle.
119
00:05:18,228 --> 00:05:20,028
Don't you have to have
a first life
120
00:05:20,030 --> 00:05:21,896
To have a second life?
121
00:05:21,898 --> 00:05:23,064
Max, please stay.
122
00:05:23,066 --> 00:05:24,866
Call deke and cancel,
123
00:05:24,868 --> 00:05:27,001
Or else you might come home
to find me in a pool of blood.
124
00:05:27,003 --> 00:05:29,070
Oh, I always wanted a pool.
125
00:05:29,072 --> 00:05:30,839
[knock at door]
126
00:05:30,841 --> 00:05:32,707
Oh, no, it's them,
here to kill me.
127
00:05:32,709 --> 00:05:36,344
It couldn't be. I haven't paid
them all the money yet.
128
00:05:36,346 --> 00:05:40,348
Oh, hi, girls.
129
00:05:40,350 --> 00:05:42,851
You know, I just came
from the dentist's office.
130
00:05:42,853 --> 00:05:45,820
Did you know that
michael jackson died?
131
00:05:47,289 --> 00:05:49,557
Oh, and farrah fawcett too?
132
00:05:49,559 --> 00:05:52,360
Oh, no, I've got to sit down.
133
00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,096
Well, since you're here,
134
00:05:55,098 --> 00:05:56,765
Do you want to stay
and have a girls' night?
135
00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:59,100
Oh, that's sounds like fun.
136
00:05:59,102 --> 00:06:00,969
It's just me and you.
Max has a date.
137
00:06:00,971 --> 00:06:03,371
And caroline's afraid
to be alone.
138
00:06:03,373 --> 00:06:06,975
Well, if you don't want
to be alone,
139
00:06:06,977 --> 00:06:10,445
Then why do you act
the way you do?
140
00:06:13,215 --> 00:06:14,949
I got to go meet deke.
141
00:06:14,951 --> 00:06:16,951
We are going out
to get wasted,
142
00:06:16,953 --> 00:06:18,620
Hopefully to the point
of blowing chunks
143
00:06:18,622 --> 00:06:20,155
On each other's shoes.
144
00:06:20,157 --> 00:06:23,057
But imagine it a little
less romantic than it sounds.
145
00:06:30,533 --> 00:06:34,235
Well, caroline,
it's just me and you.
146
00:06:34,237 --> 00:06:35,870
I know. I thought
it'd be fun if--
147
00:06:35,872 --> 00:06:38,139
Well, we tried.
148
00:06:38,141 --> 00:06:41,209
Good night.
149
00:06:42,211 --> 00:06:43,711
Don't go.
150
00:06:43,713 --> 00:06:45,547
Dangerous people
are after me.
151
00:06:45,549 --> 00:06:48,383
You know, in poland,
when the cossacks came,
152
00:06:48,385 --> 00:06:50,051
We would boil water
153
00:06:50,053 --> 00:06:52,086
And then throw it
in their faces
154
00:06:52,088 --> 00:06:54,055
And then make soup.
155
00:06:54,057 --> 00:06:56,825
Anyway,
have a good one.
[cell phone ringing]
156
00:06:56,827 --> 00:06:58,359
Wait.
157
00:06:58,361 --> 00:06:59,961
Hello?
158
00:06:59,963 --> 00:07:02,163
Rula? Yes.
159
00:07:02,165 --> 00:07:05,700
No, I have absolutely nothing
to do tonight.
160
00:07:07,303 --> 00:07:11,306
Well, nancy, looks like
it's just you and me.
161
00:07:11,308 --> 00:07:15,777
Yep, you and me
and this magazine from 2009.
162
00:07:15,779 --> 00:07:18,179
Ah, 2009--
163
00:07:18,181 --> 00:07:21,516
The last year
I had anything.
164
00:07:21,518 --> 00:07:23,184
Let's see, nancy.
165
00:07:23,186 --> 00:07:24,819
What are
we gonna read here?
166
00:07:24,821 --> 00:07:27,322
"new york city
more dangerous than ever."
167
00:07:27,324 --> 00:07:29,491
Okay, that's it.
We're done.
168
00:07:29,493 --> 00:07:31,359
[car horn honks]
169
00:07:31,361 --> 00:07:33,361
That's just a horn, right?
170
00:07:33,363 --> 00:07:35,029
Or is it a signal?
171
00:07:35,031 --> 00:07:37,098
No offense, nancy,
but we really need a dog
172
00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:39,601
In this situation.
173
00:07:42,972 --> 00:07:44,305
Oh, guess what.
174
00:07:44,307 --> 00:07:46,140
We happen to be
in my neighborhood.
175
00:07:46,142 --> 00:07:47,876
Oh, you are smooth.
176
00:07:47,878 --> 00:07:49,978
Also, you aggressively
steered me here
177
00:07:49,980 --> 00:07:52,981
And stopped at a bodega
to buy me condoms.
178
00:07:52,983 --> 00:07:54,816
So you want to come back
to my place, and...
179
00:07:54,818 --> 00:07:57,952
♪ brown chicken
brown cow? ♪
180
00:07:57,954 --> 00:07:59,587
Brown chicken what?
181
00:07:59,589 --> 00:08:01,689
You know, "bowm chicka
bowm bowm," but I made it...
182
00:08:01,691 --> 00:08:04,592
♪ brown chicken,
brown cow ♪
183
00:08:04,594 --> 00:08:06,794
So you thought of that
in your head,
184
00:08:06,796 --> 00:08:09,030
And your brain was like,
"that's okay to say"?
185
00:08:09,032 --> 00:08:11,466
No, my brain was like,
"don't say it,
186
00:08:11,468 --> 00:08:13,268
Don't say it, don't say it,
don't say it."
187
00:08:13,270 --> 00:08:14,469
And then it was...
188
00:08:14,471 --> 00:08:16,871
♪ brown chicken,
brown cow ♪
189
00:08:16,873 --> 00:08:19,374
Well, this is me.
190
00:08:19,376 --> 00:08:20,942
What do you want me to say--
191
00:08:20,944 --> 00:08:22,710
"congratulations.
You live in a building"?
192
00:08:22,712 --> 00:08:24,479
No, that would be lame.
I don't live in a building.
193
00:08:24,481 --> 00:08:27,916
I live here.
Where?
All I see is a dumpster.
194
00:08:27,918 --> 00:08:29,551
(deke)
yeah, it's my apartment.
195
00:08:29,553 --> 00:08:32,287
I converted it,
and I live inside.
196
00:08:32,289 --> 00:08:33,821
It's totally green.
197
00:08:33,823 --> 00:08:35,490
I mean, it's horrible
for the environment,
198
00:08:35,492 --> 00:08:36,991
But it's the color green.
199
00:08:36,993 --> 00:08:40,094
Oh, you're not kidding.
200
00:08:40,096 --> 00:08:43,498
You live in a dumpster?
201
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:47,168
This is usually the part
where the girl says
202
00:08:47,170 --> 00:08:49,304
She has to be
up early tomorrow
203
00:08:49,306 --> 00:08:51,806
Or call the police.
204
00:08:51,808 --> 00:08:53,975
So do you have to go?
205
00:08:53,977 --> 00:08:55,710
Yeah.
206
00:08:55,712 --> 00:08:59,681
I have to go inside
the freakin' cool dumpster.
207
00:08:59,683 --> 00:09:03,151
And if you think
it's cool now, watch this.
208
00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:11,125
My dumpster's a grower,
not a show-er.
209
00:09:14,530 --> 00:09:17,332
Holy crap.
This is amazing.
210
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:20,234
You have a sink in here
and a stove.
211
00:09:20,236 --> 00:09:22,070
Is it heated in here,
or did you teach the rats
212
00:09:22,072 --> 00:09:24,205
To shovel coal
into the engine?
213
00:09:24,207 --> 00:09:27,375
Yes, but there's also
solar panels on the roof
214
00:09:27,377 --> 00:09:28,943
And a microwave
215
00:09:28,945 --> 00:09:31,879
And a bathroom right here.
216
00:09:31,881 --> 00:09:34,048
You have a microwave
next to your toilet?
217
00:09:34,050 --> 00:09:35,717
You're a genius!
218
00:09:35,719 --> 00:09:38,620
That's the smartest way
to eat a burrito.
219
00:09:38,622 --> 00:09:40,254
I think of everything.
220
00:09:40,256 --> 00:09:41,556
And if you don't like
your neighbors,
221
00:09:41,558 --> 00:09:43,691
You push your house
to a new street.
222
00:09:43,693 --> 00:09:44,792
Or you could
just kill them
223
00:09:44,794 --> 00:09:46,561
And throw their bodies
in here.
224
00:09:46,563 --> 00:09:48,630
Added bonus--no rent.
225
00:09:48,632 --> 00:09:50,064
And the chinese restaurant
next door
226
00:09:50,066 --> 00:09:52,133
Always tosses their garbage
on my roof.
227
00:09:52,135 --> 00:09:54,602
Free delivery, yo.
228
00:09:54,604 --> 00:09:56,471
You don't have to tell me.
229
00:09:56,473 --> 00:09:59,774
I read all about this place
in "dumpster living."
230
00:09:59,776 --> 00:10:01,743
I'll take it.
231
00:10:01,745 --> 00:10:04,212
All right, but it comes
with a very handsome
232
00:10:04,214 --> 00:10:06,714
Stuffed animal of a man
with hair that gets him
233
00:10:06,716 --> 00:10:09,150
Followed by security
at macy's.
234
00:10:09,152 --> 00:10:11,219
I'm not just saying this
'cause you live in a dumpster,
235
00:10:11,221 --> 00:10:12,453
But I'll take some...
236
00:10:12,455 --> 00:10:14,255
♪ brown chicken,
brown cow ♪
237
00:10:14,257 --> 00:10:17,392
Right now.
[chuckles]
238
00:10:18,727 --> 00:10:20,495
[sighs happily]
239
00:10:20,497 --> 00:10:23,097
So what was your first time
having sex in a dumpster like?
240
00:10:23,099 --> 00:10:25,900
A lot like the other times
I've had sex in a dumpster.
241
00:10:25,902 --> 00:10:28,269
Next time
I'm gonna be naked.
242
00:10:28,271 --> 00:10:30,838
Next time
I won't be wearing this hat.
243
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,173
[yawns]
244
00:10:32,175 --> 00:10:34,075
I hope you don't mind.
245
00:10:34,077 --> 00:10:36,911
I sleep like this.
Aah!
Get off me.
246
00:10:36,913 --> 00:10:40,481
Oh, so nice to have a live body
under me for a change.
247
00:10:40,483 --> 00:10:42,250
Stop!
You're crushing me!
Mm.
248
00:10:42,252 --> 00:10:45,386
[chuckles]
249
00:10:49,124 --> 00:10:50,692
This is really nice.
250
00:10:50,694 --> 00:10:53,361
Yeah, it is.
251
00:10:53,363 --> 00:10:55,697
I got to go.
252
00:10:55,699 --> 00:10:57,165
You got to go?
253
00:10:57,167 --> 00:10:59,901
Yeah, I live, uh,
all the way over by the diner.
254
00:10:59,903 --> 00:11:02,270
Plus, I got to
pull these boots on.
255
00:11:02,272 --> 00:11:06,607
And I got a horse and a cat,
possibly a dead roommate, so...
256
00:11:06,609 --> 00:11:09,043
Right. You got to
be up early.
257
00:11:09,045 --> 00:11:10,378
Yeah, but not like that.
258
00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:12,380
It's just, like--
259
00:11:12,382 --> 00:11:14,282
Where's the door handle?
260
00:11:14,284 --> 00:11:16,384
Is it the coffee pot?
261
00:11:16,386 --> 00:11:17,885
I can't get out.
262
00:11:17,887 --> 00:11:19,520
I'm used to climbing
out of these things.
263
00:11:19,522 --> 00:11:21,889
Ah, it's right here.
264
00:11:21,891 --> 00:11:24,892
Oh. Sure you
don't want to stay?
265
00:11:24,894 --> 00:11:28,629
Chinese restaurant
just delivered.
266
00:11:41,643 --> 00:11:44,245
[car horn honking]
267
00:11:44,247 --> 00:11:45,613
There's that horn again.
268
00:11:45,615 --> 00:11:47,982
There is no way
this is not about us.
269
00:11:50,819 --> 00:11:52,620
Max, it's me again--
why do you even have a phone
270
00:11:52,622 --> 00:11:54,288
If you're not
gonna pick it up?
271
00:11:54,290 --> 00:11:56,891
And also,
you are a grown lady.
272
00:11:56,893 --> 00:11:59,160
Why is your
outgoing message a fart?
273
00:11:59,162 --> 00:12:02,563
[sighs]
274
00:12:02,565 --> 00:12:04,532
And I am sure you're
in the middle
275
00:12:04,534 --> 00:12:06,634
Of having very silly sex,
276
00:12:06,636 --> 00:12:08,469
But it is a nightmare
around here.
277
00:12:08,471 --> 00:12:10,404
Chestnut, nancy, and I are
all convinced
278
00:12:10,406 --> 00:12:11,873
That the murder car
is still circling
279
00:12:11,875 --> 00:12:13,708
And about
to take us all out.
280
00:12:13,710 --> 00:12:15,777
[scoffs]
so self-involved.
281
00:12:17,412 --> 00:12:20,248
This water
is taking forever to boil.
282
00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:21,983
The best I could do now
is offer the killers
283
00:12:21,985 --> 00:12:24,852
Warm tea
before they dismember me.
284
00:12:24,854 --> 00:12:27,588
That'd be funny
if you got jokes.
285
00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:29,090
[car horn honks]
286
00:12:29,092 --> 00:12:32,260
Okay, guys,
here's the plan.
287
00:12:34,329 --> 00:12:37,832
If they come in that door,
we go out this door.
288
00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:40,368
F they come in that door,
chestnut, you block them,
289
00:12:40,370 --> 00:12:42,069
And, nancy,
you go for their eyes.
290
00:12:42,071 --> 00:12:44,839
[door rattling]
291
00:12:44,841 --> 00:12:46,707
You know what? Let's just
say our good-byes now.
292
00:12:46,709 --> 00:12:47,742
Boil, boil, boil.
293
00:12:47,744 --> 00:12:50,711
[door rattling]
no time!
294
00:12:50,713 --> 00:12:52,847
Whoever you are,
I have a pot
295
00:12:52,849 --> 00:12:56,417
Of pretty hot water!
296
00:12:57,452 --> 00:12:59,020
Wha--oh!
297
00:12:59,022 --> 00:13:01,856
[screams]
298
00:13:01,858 --> 00:13:03,825
What is all this junk?
299
00:13:03,827 --> 00:13:08,329
My legs!
My beautiful legs!
300
00:13:12,568 --> 00:13:15,369
Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.
301
00:13:15,371 --> 00:13:18,005
I burned my toe cleavage.
302
00:13:18,007 --> 00:13:20,441
And it's the only cleavage
I have.
303
00:13:20,443 --> 00:13:24,512
If it helps,
your toes do look bigger.
304
00:13:24,514 --> 00:13:25,913
Thank god I have
these flip-flops
305
00:13:25,915 --> 00:13:28,950
I used to wear in your shower
before I gave up.
306
00:13:28,952 --> 00:13:32,787
Yes, hi, I have
a complete emergency.
307
00:13:32,789 --> 00:13:34,722
My legs are burned.
308
00:13:34,724 --> 00:13:36,090
Okay, I hear you.
309
00:13:36,092 --> 00:13:37,758
I'll put you
right behind the guy
310
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,461
Whose legs just came off.
311
00:13:42,264 --> 00:13:45,199
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
312
00:13:45,201 --> 00:13:47,702
See, I just got burned
with pretty hot water,
313
00:13:47,704 --> 00:13:50,972
And I wear a lot
of peep-toe shoes.
314
00:13:50,974 --> 00:13:52,540
Insurance provider?
315
00:13:52,542 --> 00:13:54,976
I'd like to use my obamacare.
316
00:13:54,978 --> 00:13:58,179
Oh, obamacare?
Why didn't you say so?
317
00:13:58,181 --> 00:14:01,048
Come right in.
318
00:14:02,484 --> 00:14:03,851
What is the problem?
319
00:14:03,853 --> 00:14:05,453
We're all entitled
to obamacare.
320
00:14:05,455 --> 00:14:08,155
That's what that
rachel maddow guy said.
321
00:14:08,157 --> 00:14:10,958
I'll need more information
than that.
322
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,128
Password: Malia?
323
00:14:14,130 --> 00:14:16,330
You clowns need
to figure out
324
00:14:16,332 --> 00:14:18,232
Your insurance information
325
00:14:18,234 --> 00:14:20,034
And come back to me
in about two hours
326
00:14:20,036 --> 00:14:21,469
When I'm on my sofa,
327
00:14:21,471 --> 00:14:24,672
Drinking whiskey
out of a coffee mug.
328
00:14:24,674 --> 00:14:26,307
Max, let's just sit.
329
00:14:26,309 --> 00:14:27,909
They have to take us,
by law.
330
00:14:27,911 --> 00:14:31,545
I know because I used
to complain about that.
331
00:14:31,547 --> 00:14:34,148
Max, can you take
that flu season pamphlet
332
00:14:34,150 --> 00:14:36,484
And fan my feet?
333
00:14:36,486 --> 00:14:38,586
No.
334
00:14:38,588 --> 00:14:39,921
I'm not touching
anything in here
335
00:14:39,923 --> 00:14:41,756
'cause I was
never vaccinated--
336
00:14:41,758 --> 00:14:44,725
Or loved.
337
00:14:44,727 --> 00:14:46,327
[phone ringing]
338
00:14:46,329 --> 00:14:48,996
Who is it?
It's deke.
339
00:14:48,998 --> 00:14:50,831
You're not gonna answer it?
340
00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:53,301
No, right now,
I am very concerned
341
00:14:53,303 --> 00:14:54,802
About your legs.
342
00:14:54,804 --> 00:14:58,005
Aw. You're lying.
343
00:14:58,007 --> 00:15:00,508
What happened
between you and deke?
344
00:15:00,510 --> 00:15:02,977
Why did you even
come home tonight?
345
00:15:02,979 --> 00:15:04,679
Was the sex bad?
346
00:15:04,681 --> 00:15:06,280
[sighs]
347
00:15:06,282 --> 00:15:09,050
Did you hit him?
348
00:15:14,623 --> 00:15:17,124
No, the sex was fine.
349
00:15:17,126 --> 00:15:18,826
Actually, it was
better than fine.
350
00:15:18,828 --> 00:15:21,295
It was great
and I wanted to stay.
351
00:15:21,297 --> 00:15:22,997
So?
352
00:15:22,999 --> 00:15:25,833
So I left immediately.
353
00:15:25,835 --> 00:15:28,669
Max, don't take this
the wrong way,
354
00:15:28,671 --> 00:15:30,338
But it sounds like
you found someone
355
00:15:30,340 --> 00:15:31,639
Who finally makes you happy
356
00:15:31,641 --> 00:15:33,474
And you're trying
to ruin it.
357
00:15:33,476 --> 00:15:35,710
Oh, that's what
this feeling is.
358
00:15:35,712 --> 00:15:37,812
Well, I got
to get rid of it.
359
00:15:37,814 --> 00:15:39,013
Why?
360
00:15:39,015 --> 00:15:41,482
I wasn't raised to be happy.
361
00:15:41,484 --> 00:15:43,017
I was raised
to believe canned meat
362
00:15:43,019 --> 00:15:46,087
Is as good as it gets.
363
00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:52,393
Ow, ow. Ow, ow.
Ow, ow.
364
00:15:52,395 --> 00:15:54,395
Earl, I spilled hot water
on my feet.
365
00:15:54,397 --> 00:15:57,098
You can't imagine
how much pain I'm in.
366
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:59,300
Well, I kicked heroin
367
00:15:59,302 --> 00:16:02,570
In a 7/11 bathroom
for three days.
368
00:16:02,572 --> 00:16:05,639
But sorry about
your burnt tootsies though.
369
00:16:07,109 --> 00:16:09,243
Caroline,
sorry I didn't text you back.
370
00:16:09,245 --> 00:16:10,611
I would've come over
last night,
371
00:16:10,613 --> 00:16:13,114
But my second life wife
had a baby.
372
00:16:13,116 --> 00:16:15,383
I just can't believe
you had fake sex
373
00:16:15,385 --> 00:16:18,619
Nine months ago
and didn't tell anyone.
374
00:16:21,289 --> 00:16:22,790
Excuse me.
375
00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:25,059
I'm looking for a skinny blonde
that works here.
376
00:16:30,565 --> 00:16:33,401
Uh...She died.
377
00:16:35,137 --> 00:16:36,570
She right over there.
378
00:16:36,572 --> 00:16:38,072
Ooh, she came back to life!
379
00:16:38,074 --> 00:16:40,041
Hallelujah!
380
00:16:41,343 --> 00:16:44,178
Hey, I got something
for you.
381
00:16:44,180 --> 00:16:45,312
[gasps]
no!
382
00:16:45,314 --> 00:16:46,847
It's a mix tape.
383
00:16:46,849 --> 00:16:48,916
No!
384
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,187
I made it for you.
385
00:16:53,189 --> 00:16:55,389
I'm sorry my brother
threw that cupcake at you.
386
00:16:55,391 --> 00:16:58,893
He's gluten-free
and upset about it.
387
00:16:58,895 --> 00:17:00,728
So can I take you out
sometime?
388
00:17:00,730 --> 00:17:06,000
Uh--uh, very sweet,
and you seem great,
389
00:17:06,002 --> 00:17:07,935
But I'm already
in a relationship
390
00:17:07,937 --> 00:17:11,005
With a guy
in a red bandana.
391
00:17:17,846 --> 00:17:19,180
No worries.
392
00:17:19,182 --> 00:17:21,515
Just thought I'd ask.
393
00:17:24,586 --> 00:17:26,454
What did you just do?
394
00:17:26,456 --> 00:17:29,290
You never say no to a guy
with tinted windows.
395
00:17:29,292 --> 00:17:31,692
That's rule number two.
396
00:17:31,694 --> 00:17:33,294
Well, his number's on here.
397
00:17:33,296 --> 00:17:34,895
I can always call him back.
398
00:17:34,897 --> 00:17:36,297
Then we can both
be in relationships
399
00:17:36,299 --> 00:17:37,465
We don't want to be in.
400
00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:39,300
Relationship?
Deke.
401
00:17:39,302 --> 00:17:41,102
You're gonna see him
at pastry school tomorrow.
402
00:17:41,104 --> 00:17:42,369
He's gonna want to know.
403
00:17:42,371 --> 00:17:44,138
Guys never want to know.
404
00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:47,274
In fact, they are dying
not to know.
405
00:17:47,276 --> 00:17:49,643
Max, why'd you leave
last night?
406
00:17:49,645 --> 00:17:51,412
I want to know.
407
00:17:51,414 --> 00:17:52,980
I mean, you were all like,
408
00:17:52,982 --> 00:17:55,850
"wham-bam,
thank you, man."
409
00:17:55,852 --> 00:17:57,551
And yeah, my brain was like,
"don't say it,
410
00:17:57,553 --> 00:17:59,019
Don't say it,
don't say it, don't say it,"
411
00:17:59,021 --> 00:18:00,788
But I said it.
412
00:18:00,790 --> 00:18:02,990
What's going on?
413
00:18:02,992 --> 00:18:06,627
Uh...The sex was bad.
414
00:18:06,629 --> 00:18:08,729
What about the scratches
on my back?
415
00:18:08,731 --> 00:18:11,065
I was trying to get away.
416
00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:13,467
I'll just
leave you two alone.
417
00:18:13,469 --> 00:18:15,035
Ow, ow. Ow, ow.
418
00:18:15,037 --> 00:18:17,571
I'll just be over here,
looking at my mix tape.
419
00:18:17,573 --> 00:18:20,641
Oh, track one,
"make it nasty."
420
00:18:22,177 --> 00:18:23,477
You're right, max.
421
00:18:23,479 --> 00:18:25,479
The sex was bad,
really bad.
422
00:18:25,481 --> 00:18:27,848
And it was worse when
we did it the second time.
423
00:18:27,850 --> 00:18:29,817
And that third time
was a disaster.
424
00:18:29,819 --> 00:18:32,052
I mean, I only
lasted 47 minutes
425
00:18:32,054 --> 00:18:34,155
And you screamed.
426
00:18:35,223 --> 00:18:36,690
Okay, walking away has to be
427
00:18:36,692 --> 00:18:38,058
Less painful
than hearing this.
428
00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:40,728
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
No, stay, caroline.
429
00:18:40,730 --> 00:18:41,829
We'll go outside.
430
00:18:41,831 --> 00:18:43,030
Max, come with me
for a second.
431
00:18:43,032 --> 00:18:44,665
I want to show you something.
432
00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:47,735
Just whip it out here.
433
00:18:47,737 --> 00:18:51,105
You wouldn't be the first guy
to do that tonight.
434
00:18:51,107 --> 00:18:54,208
Nor will he be the last.
435
00:18:58,413 --> 00:19:01,348
Okay, what do you
want to show me?
436
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:03,984
Is that your dumpster?
437
00:19:03,986 --> 00:19:05,953
Look, you said
you couldn't stay over
438
00:19:05,955 --> 00:19:07,288
Because you lived
all the way
439
00:19:07,290 --> 00:19:09,323
Over by the diner,
so I moved it here
440
00:19:09,325 --> 00:19:12,993
To figure out what
your next excuse would be.
441
00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:18,832
Um, I'm racist.
442
00:19:21,102 --> 00:19:22,836
Yeah, me too.
443
00:19:22,838 --> 00:19:24,505
White girls are a hassle.
444
00:19:24,507 --> 00:19:26,473
What else?
445
00:19:26,475 --> 00:19:29,510
You have a bird
on your shirt.
446
00:19:29,512 --> 00:19:33,113
You love it.
447
00:19:33,115 --> 00:19:35,349
I do.
448
00:19:35,351 --> 00:19:38,552
What else?
449
00:19:38,554 --> 00:19:40,221
I got nothin'.
450
00:19:40,223 --> 00:19:41,322
Good.
451
00:19:41,324 --> 00:19:42,957
So what do you say
452
00:19:42,959 --> 00:19:44,658
You stop being
such a stupid face,
453
00:19:44,660 --> 00:19:46,160
And get your sweet dumper
454
00:19:46,162 --> 00:19:47,861
Into my dumpster right now,
455
00:19:47,863 --> 00:19:49,863
Where a brown chicken
and a brown cow
456
00:19:49,865 --> 00:19:52,766
Are waiting patiently
for you.
457
00:19:54,035 --> 00:19:55,236
Look.
458
00:19:55,238 --> 00:19:56,804
If you want me
in that dumpster,
459
00:19:56,806 --> 00:19:58,405
You'll have to get me there
the traditional way--
460
00:19:58,407 --> 00:20:00,574
Duct tape my wrists,
throw a bag over my head,
461
00:20:00,576 --> 00:20:02,943
And toss me in.
462
00:20:05,981 --> 00:20:07,581
Awful, huh?
463
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:09,149
So bad.
464
00:20:09,151 --> 00:20:10,684
Want to do it again later,
465
00:20:10,686 --> 00:20:12,853
And then sleep over tonight,
and then do it again?
466
00:20:12,855 --> 00:20:14,255
Sure.
467
00:20:14,257 --> 00:20:16,357
Are we ever
gonna do it naked?
468
00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:17,758
Yeah, when you move
into a place
469
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,594
Big enough for me
to take my pants off.
470
00:20:20,596 --> 00:20:22,162
Look, I got to warn you.
471
00:20:22,164 --> 00:20:23,897
I don't know how
to be happy.
472
00:20:23,899 --> 00:20:26,433
Then why do you have
that big smile on your face?
473
00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:28,168
I'm faking it.
474
00:20:28,170 --> 00:20:30,371
Why is it shaking?
475
00:20:30,373 --> 00:20:33,240
Are we still having sex?
476
00:20:37,045 --> 00:20:38,879
Thank you, sir.
477
00:20:38,881 --> 00:20:41,515
Enjoy your cupcake.
478
00:20:45,186 --> 00:20:46,887
Hey!
479
00:20:46,889 --> 00:20:48,289
Max?
480
00:20:48,291 --> 00:20:49,456
Don't tow us.
481
00:20:49,458 --> 00:20:51,258
This is deke's house.
482
00:20:51,260 --> 00:20:53,761
He lives in a dumpster?
483
00:20:53,763 --> 00:20:55,696
Yeah, but on purpose.
484
00:20:55,698 --> 00:20:57,865
But you're coming home
tonight, right?
485
00:20:57,867 --> 00:21:00,968
Max, max!
486
00:21:00,970 --> 00:21:02,870
Han?
487
00:21:02,872 --> 00:21:06,940
Han, what are you
doing tonight?