1
00:00:08,951 --> 00:00:11,253
Good evening, ladies.
2
00:00:11,255 --> 00:00:13,321
No.
3
00:00:13,323 --> 00:00:14,756
Max, what are you doing?
4
00:00:14,758 --> 00:00:16,525
I know this neighborhood
is a circus,
5
00:00:16,527 --> 00:00:18,326
But our window's
becoming a freak show.
6
00:00:18,328 --> 00:00:20,562
Max, I don't think that
bearded lady earlier
7
00:00:20,564 --> 00:00:22,197
Was doing it on purpose.
8
00:00:22,199 --> 00:00:23,698
It's more
of a menopause thing.
9
00:00:23,700 --> 00:00:25,767
He can't afford a cupcake.
10
00:00:25,769 --> 00:00:27,436
He can't even
afford two wheels.
11
00:00:27,438 --> 00:00:29,538
[knocks]
12
00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:31,006
Hi. What can I get you?
13
00:00:31,008 --> 00:00:32,007
I'll take one vanilla.
14
00:00:32,009 --> 00:00:33,508
That'll be $4.
15
00:00:33,510 --> 00:00:37,512
Actually, madam, tonight
I'll be paying with a poem.
16
00:00:37,514 --> 00:00:40,749
We're paying
with a poem, madam.
17
00:00:40,751 --> 00:00:44,553
I pull. Shadows push.
18
00:00:44,555 --> 00:00:46,588
I was a child then.
19
00:00:46,590 --> 00:00:48,790
[whispers]
I was a child then.
20
00:00:50,393 --> 00:00:52,627
Spit it out.
21
00:00:52,629 --> 00:00:54,362
Hey, you want a poem?
22
00:00:54,364 --> 00:00:55,464
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
23
00:00:55,466 --> 00:00:57,566
Get a job!
24
00:00:57,568 --> 00:01:00,202
And another wheel!
25
00:01:00,204 --> 00:01:01,236
That felt good.
26
00:01:01,238 --> 00:01:02,637
I get why you do that.
27
00:01:02,639 --> 00:01:04,806
Wait till you get actual
fist-to-face contact.
28
00:01:04,808 --> 00:01:07,542
That's a real high.
29
00:01:07,544 --> 00:01:09,711
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
30
00:01:09,713 --> 00:01:11,546
[cash register bell dings]
31
00:01:11,548 --> 00:01:16,618
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
32
00:01:20,823 --> 00:01:22,257
Welcome to
the williamsburg diner, deke.
33
00:01:22,259 --> 00:01:24,259
Where'd you hear about us?
Kitchen nightmares?
34
00:01:24,261 --> 00:01:27,129
[chuckles]
okay, max, let's get to it.
35
00:01:27,131 --> 00:01:28,663
We have to decide
what we're each gonna make
36
00:01:28,665 --> 00:01:29,998
For our pastry school
homework.
37
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,566
Or true to form,
I'll blow it off,
38
00:01:31,568 --> 00:01:33,435
Beat you up,
and take yours.
39
00:01:33,437 --> 00:01:37,906
Of the top of my giant head,
I'm thinking sticky buns.
40
00:01:37,908 --> 00:01:40,575
Deke's dark sticky buns.
41
00:01:40,577 --> 00:01:44,479
We're talking about dessert, not
what's going on in your pants.
42
00:01:44,481 --> 00:01:47,115
Well, I would've baked brownies
until I remembered
43
00:01:47,117 --> 00:01:51,586
I smoked all the ingredients.
44
00:01:51,588 --> 00:01:54,256
Oh, my god,
guess who texted me again.
45
00:01:54,258 --> 00:01:55,590
Dame judi dench?
46
00:01:55,592 --> 00:01:57,025
Dame judes texts me
all the time.
47
00:01:57,027 --> 00:02:00,428
She's thirsty.
48
00:02:00,430 --> 00:02:03,465
More like "damn, judi dench."
49
00:02:03,467 --> 00:02:06,101
Oh, hi, deke.
Didn't know you were here.
50
00:02:06,103 --> 00:02:07,802
You're everywhere.
51
00:02:07,804 --> 00:02:10,872
Pastry school, on the phone with
max talking about pastry school,
52
00:02:10,874 --> 00:02:13,441
And now here at the counter
talking about elder sex
53
00:02:13,443 --> 00:02:15,544
With a beloved star
of stage and screen.
54
00:02:15,546 --> 00:02:16,878
You're like--
55
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,613
What?
56
00:02:18,615 --> 00:02:22,751
Denzel washington trapped
in channing tatum's body?
57
00:02:25,555 --> 00:02:28,156
I get that a lot.
58
00:02:28,158 --> 00:02:29,391
Anyway, max,
59
00:02:29,393 --> 00:02:31,159
This is the fourth time
chef nicolas
60
00:02:31,161 --> 00:02:32,694
Has texted me
outside of school.
61
00:02:32,696 --> 00:02:35,363
And this time
he sent me a video. Look.
62
00:02:35,365 --> 00:02:38,200
Then, caroline, you spoon
the fat from the pan...
63
00:02:38,202 --> 00:02:40,368
It's him making breakfast
with his shirt open.
64
00:02:40,370 --> 00:02:44,306
What do you think it means?
65
00:02:44,308 --> 00:02:47,642
That he doesn't have
a fear of bacon splatters.
66
00:02:47,644 --> 00:02:50,178
He's totally flirting
with me, right?
67
00:02:50,180 --> 00:02:52,314
Totally. Chef nicolas
is hot for ya.
68
00:02:52,316 --> 00:02:54,416
He has to double up on aprons
when you're around,
69
00:02:54,418 --> 00:02:56,718
Know what I'm sayin'?
70
00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:00,322
Deke, this is just private
best friend stuff between girls.
71
00:03:00,324 --> 00:03:02,090
You know,
that you're not a part of.
72
00:03:02,092 --> 00:03:04,926
Can I not be a part of it?
73
00:03:04,928 --> 00:03:06,528
And since chef nicolas
is your teacher
74
00:03:06,530 --> 00:03:08,330
And I work at the school,
75
00:03:08,332 --> 00:03:10,332
I'd appreciate it if we kept
this just between us three.
76
00:03:10,334 --> 00:03:12,400
And me. I saw it
over your shoulder.
77
00:03:12,402 --> 00:03:13,935
Doesn't hold a candle
78
00:03:13,937 --> 00:03:16,838
To my series
of pantless meatloaf videos.
79
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:20,742
Meatloaf.
Pick up.
80
00:03:20,744 --> 00:03:22,711
Okay, okay, max,
if you have time to lean,
81
00:03:22,713 --> 00:03:24,512
You have time to clean.
82
00:03:24,514 --> 00:03:26,248
And if I have time
to give you a punch,
83
00:03:26,250 --> 00:03:29,517
We have time to have lunch.
84
00:03:29,519 --> 00:03:32,587
Max, should we help him
find his mom?
85
00:03:37,126 --> 00:03:39,628
Oh, no, now there's
two of them.
86
00:03:39,630 --> 00:03:43,632
Like gremlins.
87
00:03:45,101 --> 00:03:47,235
Now, come on.
This is a diner, not study hall.
88
00:03:47,237 --> 00:03:48,303
You're working.
89
00:03:48,305 --> 00:03:50,272
I call it "spiritually dying,"
90
00:03:50,274 --> 00:03:52,374
But working's a good word
for what we do here too.
91
00:03:52,376 --> 00:03:55,110
We could figure it out
tomorrow night over some drinks.
92
00:03:55,112 --> 00:03:57,646
Couple of white wine spritzers.
Know what I'm sayin'?
93
00:03:57,648 --> 00:04:01,316
That you're a recently-widowed
woman on a girls' trip in boca?
94
00:04:01,318 --> 00:04:04,219
Well, I already ate my water,
so I'm good to go.
95
00:04:04,221 --> 00:04:07,289
I am out the door.
96
00:04:07,291 --> 00:04:09,724
Hi, I'm deke.
Bye, max.
97
00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:12,661
Oh, he's your friend?
98
00:04:12,663 --> 00:04:14,229
For a minute I thought
he was that kid
99
00:04:14,231 --> 00:04:17,932
I had out of wedlock
with linda evans.
100
00:04:17,934 --> 00:04:20,135
Okay, why are you
in here not working?
101
00:04:20,137 --> 00:04:22,237
And why are you
doing it without me?
102
00:04:22,239 --> 00:04:24,139
Look, I've been
texting with nicolas.
103
00:04:24,141 --> 00:04:27,475
He thirstay.
104
00:04:27,477 --> 00:04:30,312
He wants me to meet him for a
drink after his dinner tomorrow.
105
00:04:30,314 --> 00:04:33,348
After his dinner.
You know what that means.
106
00:04:33,350 --> 00:04:34,783
That he thinks he doesn't
have to buy you dinner
107
00:04:34,785 --> 00:04:37,452
Before he makes you
his slampiece?
108
00:04:37,454 --> 00:04:39,287
After dinner
is a booty call.
109
00:04:39,289 --> 00:04:40,789
Or as they say in France,
110
00:04:40,791 --> 00:04:43,458
[french accent]
"a call du bootay."
111
00:04:43,460 --> 00:04:45,126
So I need you
to hang out with me,
112
00:04:45,128 --> 00:04:47,329
Because if I don't have anything
else to do at that time,
113
00:04:47,331 --> 00:04:48,863
I won't be able
to resist him.
114
00:04:48,865 --> 00:04:50,265
I don't see it.
115
00:04:50,267 --> 00:04:51,966
Maybe because he never
pulled a knife on me,
116
00:04:51,968 --> 00:04:54,302
But to me he's,
like, asexual.
117
00:04:54,304 --> 00:04:58,973
Yeah, like a sexual object.
118
00:04:58,975 --> 00:05:01,476
Okay, well, I told deke I'd help
him with his homework,
119
00:05:01,478 --> 00:05:02,777
So you can
hang out with us.
120
00:05:02,779 --> 00:05:04,112
Hang out with deke?
121
00:05:04,114 --> 00:05:07,148
I didn't even like
the muppets on tv.
122
00:05:07,150 --> 00:05:09,384
But fine, it'll--
it'll keep me busy,
123
00:05:09,386 --> 00:05:11,686
Because max,
when nicolas looks at me,
124
00:05:11,688 --> 00:05:13,822
It does something
to my insides,
125
00:05:13,824 --> 00:05:15,623
And I want this
to be a relationship
126
00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:19,127
Before he does
something to my insides.
127
00:05:19,129 --> 00:05:21,229
If you keep talking
about your insides,
128
00:05:21,231 --> 00:05:24,933
I'm gonna kick you
on your outsides.
129
00:05:26,635 --> 00:05:28,570
Okay, so as far
as my dessert homework goes--
130
00:05:28,572 --> 00:05:30,004
He just texted me again.
131
00:05:30,006 --> 00:05:32,140
"ou es-tu?"
"where are you?"
132
00:05:32,142 --> 00:05:35,210
And he used "tu" not "vous."
133
00:05:35,212 --> 00:05:37,579
We've gone there.
134
00:05:37,581 --> 00:05:40,215
Then why are you still here?
135
00:05:40,217 --> 00:05:43,017
Because I can't go there, max,
I'm not ready.
136
00:05:43,019 --> 00:05:46,521
Oh, wax situation?
137
00:05:46,523 --> 00:05:49,090
Guys don't care about that.
138
00:05:49,092 --> 00:05:51,326
So as far as my dessert goes,
I went all-out
139
00:05:51,328 --> 00:05:53,261
And actually did
some real research.
140
00:05:53,263 --> 00:05:55,029
You googled desserts
with dirty names?
141
00:05:55,031 --> 00:05:56,898
Correcto.
142
00:05:56,900 --> 00:05:58,500
And it was harder
to pick one than I thought.
143
00:05:58,502 --> 00:06:02,003
I mean, you got your bundt cake,
your lady fingers,
144
00:06:02,005 --> 00:06:05,373
Kumquat pie...
145
00:06:05,375 --> 00:06:07,375
"kum" and "quat."
146
00:06:07,377 --> 00:06:09,043
It was right there the whole
time. How could I not see it?
147
00:06:09,045 --> 00:06:12,013
So I dug deep,
and I have the winner.
148
00:06:12,015 --> 00:06:14,949
Croquembouche.
149
00:06:14,951 --> 00:06:19,521
I don't know what that is,
but she sounds like a whore.
150
00:06:19,523 --> 00:06:21,523
It's a traditional
french wedding cake
151
00:06:21,525 --> 00:06:23,558
With vanilla cream-filled
profiteroles
152
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,260
Dipped in hand-made
caramel.
153
00:06:25,262 --> 00:06:28,396
Said the only person here
not in pastry school.
154
00:06:28,398 --> 00:06:30,365
Oh, cool.
I didn't know what it was.
155
00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:32,367
Maybe I can help.
156
00:06:32,369 --> 00:06:37,338
I happen to know nicolas loves
a [accent] pear tarte tatin.
157
00:06:39,208 --> 00:06:43,445
Ta-ta-tan! No.
158
00:06:43,447 --> 00:06:45,814
I thought I'd distract myself
by going out with you guys,
159
00:06:45,816 --> 00:06:47,415
But it feels like
the day in high school
160
00:06:47,417 --> 00:06:50,418
I hung out with the smokers
for street cred.
161
00:06:50,420 --> 00:06:51,986
And I used to hang out
with rich geeks like you
162
00:06:51,988 --> 00:06:53,955
When I needed lunch money.
163
00:06:53,957 --> 00:06:55,824
I'm texting nicolas.
164
00:06:55,826 --> 00:06:57,392
What?
165
00:06:57,394 --> 00:06:59,260
You said you didn't
want him to think you were
166
00:06:59,262 --> 00:07:00,829
Up for a wham-bam,
thank you, mademoiselle.
167
00:07:00,831 --> 00:07:03,431
You're right, max.
I shouldn't text him.
168
00:07:03,433 --> 00:07:04,966
[phone vibrates]
169
00:07:04,968 --> 00:07:07,268
He just texted me again.
What's one drink?
170
00:07:07,270 --> 00:07:10,104
$18.
171
00:07:10,106 --> 00:07:12,273
It is?
Yeah, you better text him.
172
00:07:12,275 --> 00:07:15,143
We need a grown-up
to pay for the drinks.
173
00:07:15,145 --> 00:07:18,313
I'll just say I'm with friends,
and he can join for a drink.
174
00:07:18,315 --> 00:07:20,315
Isn't that what people do?
I forget.
175
00:07:20,317 --> 00:07:23,351
I haven't been a person
or done anything in so long.
176
00:07:23,353 --> 00:07:26,855
Or done a person
in so long.
[laughs]
177
00:07:26,857 --> 00:07:29,090
I won't let it get that far.
178
00:07:29,092 --> 00:07:30,925
And by that I mean you won't.
179
00:07:30,927 --> 00:07:33,127
I'll give you a signal and then
you'll say we have to go.
180
00:07:33,129 --> 00:07:36,564
What's the signal?
Full penetration?
181
00:07:39,368 --> 00:07:41,302
No, before that.
182
00:07:41,304 --> 00:07:45,173
So just the tip?
183
00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:56,751
I think I'll just wink.
184
00:08:09,231 --> 00:08:13,501
So, croquembouche?
185
00:08:13,503 --> 00:08:16,237
I can't pretend to talk.
186
00:08:16,239 --> 00:08:19,274
I hope his tongue
is wearing protection.
187
00:08:22,478 --> 00:08:24,679
Hey.
188
00:08:24,681 --> 00:08:26,481
Are we making you
uncomfortable?
189
00:08:26,483 --> 00:08:29,217
No, no, it's just that
I usually like to fast-forward
190
00:08:29,219 --> 00:08:33,321
Through the kissing parts
when I watch porn.
191
00:08:33,323 --> 00:08:35,924
Come on, relax, max.
We're just having some fun.
192
00:08:35,926 --> 00:08:37,992
It's just that
you're our teacher,
193
00:08:37,994 --> 00:08:40,361
And your spittle
is all over her mouth.
194
00:08:40,363 --> 00:08:43,865
We're not in class.
Do you see batter or bowls?
195
00:08:43,867 --> 00:08:46,734
Well, we're hoping
not to see any balls.
196
00:08:48,771 --> 00:08:53,408
I see the outline
of one of 'em.
197
00:08:54,944 --> 00:08:57,245
Just don't think of me
as a teacher right now.
198
00:08:57,247 --> 00:09:01,783
Well, I'm kind of
learning a lot.
199
00:09:01,785 --> 00:09:04,752
You know, for someone
who wasn't gonna have sex,
200
00:09:04,754 --> 00:09:07,589
She's having sex.
201
00:09:07,591 --> 00:09:08,690
I'm leaving.
202
00:09:08,692 --> 00:09:10,358
I haven't felt this awkward
203
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:11,960
Since my mom had sex
with my prom date
204
00:09:11,962 --> 00:09:15,263
In the limo
and made me drive.
205
00:09:15,265 --> 00:09:17,632
Your mom sounds cool.
206
00:09:17,634 --> 00:09:20,568
Come on, you can't leave.
We just got here.
207
00:09:20,570 --> 00:09:24,572
Well, she's about to get there,
and I don't wanna see it.
208
00:09:24,574 --> 00:09:26,641
Well, we can make out.
209
00:09:26,643 --> 00:09:29,811
[laughs]
you wanna make out? With me?
210
00:09:29,813 --> 00:09:32,213
[chuckles]
no, a comedy make-out.
211
00:09:32,215 --> 00:09:34,882
You know, like...
[babbling]
212
00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:43,958
Well, you make it look
so tempting.
213
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,994
[laughs] come on,
it'll be hilarious.
214
00:09:45,996 --> 00:09:49,464
Let my mouth be
your tongue's panic room.
215
00:09:49,466 --> 00:09:51,666
And chef nicolas
could use a few pointers.
216
00:09:51,668 --> 00:09:56,571
[moaning]
217
00:09:58,941 --> 00:10:01,909
Yeah, he's really
bad at it.
218
00:10:01,911 --> 00:10:02,910
All right, why not?
219
00:10:02,912 --> 00:10:04,612
It might even
get their attention.
220
00:10:04,614 --> 00:10:05,913
On the count of three.
221
00:10:05,915 --> 00:10:07,448
One, two...
222
00:10:07,450 --> 00:10:10,918
[both babbling]
223
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:11,919
Did they look?
224
00:10:11,921 --> 00:10:14,522
No, he's busy rounding third.
225
00:10:14,524 --> 00:10:15,523
My turn.
226
00:10:15,525 --> 00:10:18,192
[groaning]
227
00:10:18,194 --> 00:10:19,193
[laughs]
228
00:10:19,195 --> 00:10:22,030
Max, what's happening?
229
00:10:23,298 --> 00:10:26,601
Hey.
230
00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:31,639
[groaning]
231
00:10:31,641 --> 00:10:35,043
He's licking your face.
232
00:10:35,045 --> 00:10:36,310
Leave them alone.
233
00:10:36,312 --> 00:10:38,279
Deke seems to know
what he's doing.
234
00:10:38,281 --> 00:10:40,348
Respect.
235
00:10:41,650 --> 00:10:44,952
Well, hate to comedy
make out and run,
236
00:10:44,954 --> 00:10:48,356
But, well, I'm already
mentally at yummy donuts
237
00:10:48,358 --> 00:10:51,292
Trying to binge eat
this image out of my mind.
238
00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:57,331
Hold on, max. The signal.
239
00:10:57,333 --> 00:11:02,336
See, this is why
I don't do girlfriend.
240
00:11:02,338 --> 00:11:04,939
Come on, we have somewhere to go
or be, something like that.
241
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:08,042
Well...
242
00:11:08,044 --> 00:11:13,047
[chuckling, panting]
243
00:11:13,049 --> 00:11:15,183
We have to go.
244
00:11:15,185 --> 00:11:16,551
See you later.
245
00:11:16,553 --> 00:11:18,252
Au revoir.
[chuckles]
246
00:11:18,254 --> 00:11:20,755
[thuds]
247
00:11:27,763 --> 00:11:30,765
'sup?
248
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:32,567
Not much.
249
00:11:32,569 --> 00:11:35,436
'sup with you?
250
00:11:35,438 --> 00:11:38,172
[phone ringing]
251
00:11:38,174 --> 00:11:41,075
Sorry, I have to get this.
It's my wife.
252
00:11:41,077 --> 00:11:44,078
Hello?
253
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:46,347
Girrrl...
254
00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:55,757
Oh, I totally forgot
to tell you.
255
00:11:55,759 --> 00:11:57,892
You're terrible
at making out.
256
00:11:57,894 --> 00:12:01,696
Well, I never had
a father to teach me.
257
00:12:01,698 --> 00:12:03,297
[elevator dings]
258
00:12:03,299 --> 00:12:04,599
Hey, big mary.
259
00:12:04,601 --> 00:12:08,536
Hallway lunch.
Love that for you.
260
00:12:08,538 --> 00:12:10,138
And you.
261
00:12:10,140 --> 00:12:12,373
This could've been your
walk of shame right now
262
00:12:12,375 --> 00:12:15,376
If I hadn't
stepped in, winky.
263
00:12:15,378 --> 00:12:17,478
Yes, last night
got a little out of hand.
264
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,081
Oh, it was pretty much
in your hand.
265
00:12:20,083 --> 00:12:22,917
No, it was not, max.
266
00:12:22,919 --> 00:12:24,952
Yes, there might have been
a tasteful graze,
267
00:12:24,954 --> 00:12:27,155
Just to figure out
how european he was down there.
268
00:12:27,157 --> 00:12:29,924
Good news, it's not
wearing a floppy beret.
269
00:12:29,926 --> 00:12:32,994
So we are right on track for
a perfect fairy-tale romance.
270
00:12:32,996 --> 00:12:35,129
Yeah, the princess
and the penis.
271
00:12:35,131 --> 00:12:38,833
See you at the diner, max.
Au revoir, mes amis.
272
00:12:38,835 --> 00:12:41,169
I have to kinda
tell you something
273
00:12:41,171 --> 00:12:43,137
That you have to
promise you kind of
274
00:12:43,139 --> 00:12:44,772
Definitely won't
tell caroline.
275
00:12:44,774 --> 00:12:46,841
Are you about to tell me
that when she speaks french
276
00:12:46,843 --> 00:12:48,176
It makes you want
to slam your head
277
00:12:48,178 --> 00:12:49,777
Through that
plate-glass window too?
278
00:12:49,779 --> 00:12:53,014
Heh. Well, the thing is
he's married.
279
00:12:53,016 --> 00:12:55,683
He's married?
How do you know?
280
00:12:55,685 --> 00:12:58,820
He's not wearing a ring,
and he doesn't seem dead inside.
281
00:12:58,822 --> 00:13:01,122
His wife called him
after you guys left.
282
00:13:01,124 --> 00:13:03,157
How could he do that?
283
00:13:03,159 --> 00:13:04,826
He's french?
284
00:13:04,828 --> 00:13:06,494
And not tell caroline.
285
00:13:06,496 --> 00:13:08,162
He's french?
286
00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:09,430
What a jerk.
287
00:13:09,432 --> 00:13:12,099
Fronch?
288
00:13:12,101 --> 00:13:14,268
I'm telling her right now.
289
00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:16,437
Wait, wait, wait, max,
he'll know it was me.
290
00:13:16,439 --> 00:13:19,140
Can you just wait until after
I turn in my croquembouche?
291
00:13:19,142 --> 00:13:22,343
I'm already on thin ice
with "au bon pain in my ass."
292
00:13:22,345 --> 00:13:24,045
This sucks.
293
00:13:24,047 --> 00:13:26,314
He's married, and caroline
has this weird thing in her head
294
00:13:26,316 --> 00:13:30,751
That she has to marry
someone who isn't married.
295
00:13:33,121 --> 00:13:34,355
Bonjour, bebe. Ca va?
296
00:13:34,357 --> 00:13:36,357
Oh, boy.
297
00:13:36,359 --> 00:13:38,059
I'm not really good
with any languages.
298
00:13:38,061 --> 00:13:41,863
They think it's because
I got hit by three cars.
299
00:13:41,865 --> 00:13:46,067
Fyi, if you ever get hit,
just stay down.
300
00:13:46,069 --> 00:13:48,903
Well, guess what.
301
00:13:48,905 --> 00:13:51,372
I got you and me salads.
Girls' lunch.
302
00:13:51,374 --> 00:13:53,074
Well, I usually just have
303
00:13:53,076 --> 00:13:56,377
Peanut butter and crackers
in the dark.
304
00:13:56,379 --> 00:14:01,082
I hear so much about salad
I've always wanted to try it.
305
00:14:01,084 --> 00:14:03,551
Sure. Sit. Have some salad.
306
00:14:03,553 --> 00:14:05,152
You and me, me and you.
307
00:14:05,154 --> 00:14:07,221
Getting to know
more about each other.
308
00:14:07,223 --> 00:14:10,157
So bebe, tell me
everything about nicolas.
309
00:14:10,159 --> 00:14:11,993
He's the best.
310
00:14:11,995 --> 00:14:15,429
He has the heart
and eyes of a dog.
311
00:14:15,431 --> 00:14:18,766
So nicolas, where
do you think he is?
312
00:14:18,768 --> 00:14:20,668
He just said
he had a lunch date.
313
00:14:20,670 --> 00:14:22,236
Date?
314
00:14:22,238 --> 00:14:23,571
Did he use the word "date,"
315
00:14:23,573 --> 00:14:25,106
Or are you just
using the word "date"?
316
00:14:25,108 --> 00:14:26,841
I mean, it's not like
he's dating anyone.
317
00:14:26,843 --> 00:14:28,342
[chuckles]
is he?
318
00:14:28,344 --> 00:14:30,511
No, why would he
be dating anyone?
319
00:14:30,513 --> 00:14:33,014
Exactly, why would he
be dating anyone?
320
00:14:33,016 --> 00:14:35,116
Yeah, I mean, he's married.
321
00:14:35,118 --> 00:14:37,285
[spits]
322
00:14:37,287 --> 00:14:38,853
Married?
323
00:14:38,855 --> 00:14:43,491
You know, salad tastes
just like lettuce.
324
00:14:50,132 --> 00:14:52,266
You are not
going to believe this.
325
00:14:52,268 --> 00:14:55,603
Kendall jenner
is applying to colleges?
326
00:14:55,605 --> 00:14:58,039
Come on, max, no.
327
00:14:58,041 --> 00:15:01,742
Nicolas is--and get ready--
married.
328
00:15:01,744 --> 00:15:03,911
I kissed a married man.
I'm so mortified.
329
00:15:03,913 --> 00:15:06,047
Please don't ever tell anyone
I kissed a married man.
330
00:15:06,049 --> 00:15:09,450
Okay, I won't tell anyone.
331
00:15:09,452 --> 00:15:10,718
Tell anyone what?
332
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,653
Caroline kissed
a married man.
333
00:15:12,655 --> 00:15:15,923
But don't tell anyone.
334
00:15:15,925 --> 00:15:17,224
All right, I want
to go on the record
335
00:15:17,226 --> 00:15:18,926
That I didn't know.
336
00:15:18,928 --> 00:15:21,262
Kissing a married man has never
been in my life plan.
337
00:15:21,264 --> 00:15:23,164
It's not on my vision board
or in my dreamscape.
338
00:15:23,166 --> 00:15:24,765
I am not that kind of person.
339
00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:26,968
But she is the kind of person
who has a vision board
340
00:15:26,970 --> 00:15:29,770
And says "dreamscape,"
so let's judge her on that.
341
00:15:29,772 --> 00:15:31,806
I won't judge you, caroline.
342
00:15:31,808 --> 00:15:33,240
I once went out
with a married woman.
343
00:15:33,242 --> 00:15:34,675
I didn't know she was married
344
00:15:34,677 --> 00:15:36,344
Until her spouse came
and beat me up.
345
00:15:36,346 --> 00:15:39,747
Lesbians are strong.
346
00:15:42,584 --> 00:15:46,153
Listen, married, not married,
don't be so american.
347
00:15:46,155 --> 00:15:48,990
You know, in poland,
the wedding vows say,
348
00:15:48,992 --> 00:15:51,092
"do you take this woman...
349
00:15:51,094 --> 00:15:55,663
And maybe some others?"
350
00:15:55,665 --> 00:15:58,265
Well, not polish,
and not a lesbian yet.
351
00:15:58,267 --> 00:16:00,267
So I'm very upset.
352
00:16:00,269 --> 00:16:01,836
And, max, why are you
just standing there?
353
00:16:01,838 --> 00:16:02,870
Why haven't you
said anything?
354
00:16:02,872 --> 00:16:05,139
Eh...
355
00:16:05,141 --> 00:16:07,408
Um...
I kind of knew.
356
00:16:10,112 --> 00:16:12,813
You kind of knew
he was married?
357
00:16:12,815 --> 00:16:14,715
You kind of knew and didn't
kind of tell me?
358
00:16:14,717 --> 00:16:15,950
What kind of friend
are you?
359
00:16:15,952 --> 00:16:17,385
I just found out myself.
360
00:16:17,387 --> 00:16:18,719
Well, then why didn't
you tell me?
361
00:16:18,721 --> 00:16:20,721
I was going to,
but then deke asked me not to
362
00:16:20,723 --> 00:16:22,323
Until he handed in
his homework.
363
00:16:22,325 --> 00:16:23,657
And also I thought
you might cry.
364
00:16:23,659 --> 00:16:25,993
Oh, and you didn't
want to upset me?
365
00:16:25,995 --> 00:16:29,163
Nah, I didn't
want to deal with it.
366
00:16:29,165 --> 00:16:31,065
'cause when you cry,
you don't just cry once.
367
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:32,700
It's like a six-cry thing.
368
00:16:32,702 --> 00:16:34,702
You've got the first shock cry,
the silent cry,
369
00:16:34,704 --> 00:16:36,570
The ugly cry,
the cry because you're crying,
370
00:16:36,572 --> 00:16:38,305
The cry after you say
you're not gonna cry anymore,
371
00:16:38,307 --> 00:16:42,810
And then the final cry,
which is probably my fault.
372
00:16:42,812 --> 00:16:45,513
Well, you're wrong, max,
I'm not gonna cry over this,
373
00:16:45,515 --> 00:16:47,548
Because I haven't gone
far enough down the road.
374
00:16:47,550 --> 00:16:49,850
Yes, I was just beginning
to think about our future,
375
00:16:49,852 --> 00:16:50,684
But I'm not that invested.
376
00:16:50,686 --> 00:16:52,753
Oh.
377
00:16:52,755 --> 00:16:53,854
Then what's this?
378
00:16:53,856 --> 00:16:55,656
My dupe pad.
379
00:16:55,658 --> 00:16:58,492
That's right. And look what
I found written on the back.
380
00:16:58,494 --> 00:17:00,895
"caroline and nicolas
saintcroix.
381
00:17:00,897 --> 00:17:02,863
"mr. And mrs. Saintcroix.
382
00:17:02,865 --> 00:17:04,765
Caroline saintcroix."
383
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:07,868
That's just being silly.
Every girl does that.
384
00:17:07,870 --> 00:17:10,271
You're 40.
385
00:17:11,873 --> 00:17:13,441
[elevator dings]
386
00:17:13,443 --> 00:17:15,009
Oh, man, this is heavy.
387
00:17:15,011 --> 00:17:16,677
I know, very heavy.
388
00:17:16,679 --> 00:17:18,012
We're back here,
and I have to deal with the fact
389
00:17:18,014 --> 00:17:22,550
That I was dry-humped
by a married man.
390
00:17:22,552 --> 00:17:24,518
No, I think he meant
his dessert is heavy.
391
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:27,555
But yeah, you got
a lot going on.
392
00:17:27,557 --> 00:17:28,856
So what do you
want us to do?
393
00:17:28,858 --> 00:17:30,291
Should we throw down?
Mess his ass up?
394
00:17:30,293 --> 00:17:32,059
Kick him in the face?
395
00:17:32,061 --> 00:17:34,862
Or just ignore it so I don't
get kicked out of school?
396
00:17:34,864 --> 00:17:37,465
No, I'll deal
with nicolas later.
397
00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:39,100
You sure?
398
00:17:39,102 --> 00:17:43,104
'cause I've always wanted
to kill a french person.
399
00:17:43,106 --> 00:17:47,308
Again.
[laughs]
400
00:17:47,310 --> 00:17:50,044
Thanks, but stay out of it.
I've got this.
401
00:17:50,046 --> 00:17:52,913
I'm gonna rip him a new one.
402
00:17:52,915 --> 00:17:55,916
Bonjour, caroline.
Bonjour, nicolas.
403
00:17:55,918 --> 00:17:56,917
That wasn't a rip.
404
00:17:56,919 --> 00:17:59,753
Wasn't even a tear.
405
00:17:59,755 --> 00:18:01,755
Go, go, you two.
406
00:18:01,757 --> 00:18:04,058
Got a big, hot bundt here.
407
00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:05,926
Go, go, don't be late.
408
00:18:05,928 --> 00:18:07,795
You sure that's
a croquembouche?
409
00:18:07,797 --> 00:18:10,531
'cause it looks like
a coyote poop tree.
[laughs]
410
00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:14,001
Caroline, can you
watch the phones for me
411
00:18:14,003 --> 00:18:16,237
While I give chef nicolas
this note from his wife?
412
00:18:16,239 --> 00:18:17,771
You know what?
I'll give it to him.
413
00:18:17,773 --> 00:18:19,940
I have something
I have to say to him anyway.
414
00:18:19,942 --> 00:18:23,777
Oh, for next girls' lunch,
have you ever had sandwiches?
415
00:18:23,779 --> 00:18:26,847
'cause I'm thinking
of trying one.
416
00:18:29,584 --> 00:18:31,585
[knocks]
417
00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:33,654
Not you.
418
00:18:35,423 --> 00:18:37,858
You have got this.
You have got this.
419
00:18:37,860 --> 00:18:39,693
You broke up
with a kennedy cousin.
420
00:18:39,695 --> 00:18:41,162
You can do this.
421
00:18:41,164 --> 00:18:43,197
Caroline,
do you need something?
422
00:18:43,199 --> 00:18:46,634
I just wanted to give you
this phone message you just got.
423
00:18:46,636 --> 00:18:50,504
From your wife.
424
00:18:50,506 --> 00:18:53,040
From your wife.
Juliette.
425
00:18:53,042 --> 00:18:55,876
I know her name.
You're married.
426
00:18:55,878 --> 00:18:59,947
Yes, you just got
a message from my wife.
427
00:18:59,949 --> 00:19:03,551
I feel like something's getting
lost in the translation here,
428
00:19:03,553 --> 00:19:06,820
So let me be clear.
It's over between us.
429
00:19:06,822 --> 00:19:10,524
Why?
430
00:19:10,526 --> 00:19:12,726
Why?
Because you're married.
431
00:19:12,728 --> 00:19:16,163
Again, I know that.
But why?
432
00:19:16,165 --> 00:19:18,999
What--what do
you mean "why"?
433
00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:23,737
Why? Because you are married.
Vous est marie!
434
00:19:23,739 --> 00:19:26,540
And note, I did not
use "tbecause we are
435
00:19:26,542 --> 00:19:29,743
Back on the more formal
"vous" terms.
436
00:19:29,745 --> 00:19:32,646
Look, caroline,
my wife is in France,
437
00:19:32,648 --> 00:19:34,848
And we have
an understanding.
438
00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:38,519
Well, I'm having a hard time
understanding any of this.
439
00:19:38,521 --> 00:19:40,554
And whatever arrangement
you and juliette have,
440
00:19:40,556 --> 00:19:41,889
It's over
between you and me.
441
00:19:41,891 --> 00:19:45,459
Here.
442
00:19:46,928 --> 00:19:49,063
You are very cute
when you're angry.
443
00:19:49,065 --> 00:19:51,065
I am?
444
00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:52,900
Actually, you are very cute
all the time.
445
00:19:52,902 --> 00:19:55,035
Cute and sexy.
446
00:19:55,037 --> 00:19:57,171
From the moment I saw you,
I wanted to...
447
00:19:57,173 --> 00:19:58,739
Put my lips onto yours.
448
00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:00,341
You did?
449
00:20:00,343 --> 00:20:02,042
Yes.
450
00:20:02,044 --> 00:20:05,746
Caroline, you are a smart,
sexy, delicious woman.
451
00:20:05,748 --> 00:20:07,248
And now that I've kissed--
452
00:20:07,250 --> 00:20:08,916
Do you have something
in your eye?
453
00:20:08,918 --> 00:20:10,751
No, no, no, no, no.
454
00:20:11,686 --> 00:20:13,754
[knocks]
455
00:20:13,756 --> 00:20:16,290
It's never you!
456
00:20:18,893 --> 00:20:20,227
I'm sorry, what is happening?
457
00:20:20,229 --> 00:20:22,930
Chef nicolas, uh, you need
to get back in there
458
00:20:22,932 --> 00:20:24,465
Because the chef
with the neck tattoo
459
00:20:24,467 --> 00:20:26,367
Is trying to pass off
a store-bought tiramisu.
460
00:20:26,369 --> 00:20:31,105
There is one every year.
461
00:20:31,107 --> 00:20:32,640
Caroline.
462
00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:36,710
Are you okay?
What did he say?
463
00:20:36,712 --> 00:20:38,212
He said he's married,
and it's confusing,
464
00:20:38,214 --> 00:20:40,381
And I'm delicious.
465
00:20:40,383 --> 00:20:42,716
Okay, well, he's married, it's
confusing, and you're delicious.
466
00:20:42,718 --> 00:20:45,986
So you're
mrs. Delicious saintcroix.
467
00:20:45,988 --> 00:20:47,988
So it's over, right?
468
00:20:47,990 --> 00:20:50,891
Yeah, of course it's over.
No drama, no more crying.
469
00:20:50,893 --> 00:20:52,493
I would never be
with a married man.
470
00:20:52,495 --> 00:20:55,896
Yeah, that's more my thing.
471
00:20:55,898 --> 00:20:56,930
Oh, my god, max,
472
00:20:56,932 --> 00:20:58,932
You know what I just realized?
473
00:20:58,934 --> 00:21:02,102
I once said I would
never be a waitress.
474
00:21:02,104 --> 00:21:05,205
Girrrl...
475
00:21:08,109 --> 00:21:09,009
[cash register dings]