1
00:00:04,514 --> 00:00:07,916
And time.
37 minutes!
2
00:00:07,918 --> 00:00:09,017
We got from the apartment
to the subway
3
00:00:09,019 --> 00:00:11,086
To the pastry school
in record time.
4
00:00:11,088 --> 00:00:12,487
I mean, I'm not wearing
a bra
5
00:00:12,489 --> 00:00:15,257
And my thong may be
on backwards.
6
00:00:15,259 --> 00:00:16,992
There's no wrong way
to wear a thong,
7
00:00:16,994 --> 00:00:19,327
As long
as it's uncomfortable.
8
00:00:19,329 --> 00:00:21,196
And with you, the bra's
just for decoration.
9
00:00:21,198 --> 00:00:22,831
I have to wear one
'cause you get a ticket
10
00:00:22,833 --> 00:00:25,067
For not putting the kids
in a car seat.
11
00:00:26,702 --> 00:00:28,036
See you in class, guys.
12
00:00:28,038 --> 00:00:32,240
I gotta say good-bye
to my wife.
13
00:00:32,242 --> 00:00:34,676
Did you think
I was gonna kiss you?
14
00:00:34,678 --> 00:00:37,112
Yes. I'm the wife,
you're the husband,
15
00:00:37,114 --> 00:00:38,346
Who I caught wearing
my clothes one day,
16
00:00:38,348 --> 00:00:39,848
But I don't say
anything about it.
17
00:00:39,850 --> 00:00:41,416
Morning, guys.
18
00:00:41,418 --> 00:00:42,684
Oh, hi, bebe.
19
00:00:42,686 --> 00:00:44,419
Surprised to see me, right?
20
00:00:44,421 --> 00:00:46,021
Everyone always thinks
I'm not gonna make it
21
00:00:46,023 --> 00:00:47,422
Through the night,
but here I am,
22
00:00:47,424 --> 00:00:50,525
Even surprised myself.
23
00:00:50,527 --> 00:00:52,294
What's it like working
in an office
24
00:00:52,296 --> 00:00:55,363
With someone who's about
to snap like a breadstick?
25
00:00:55,365 --> 00:00:58,867
Not as much fun
as you'd think.
26
00:00:58,869 --> 00:01:00,635
But bebe's sweet,
and working here
27
00:01:00,637 --> 00:01:02,037
Is putting you
through pastry school.
28
00:01:02,039 --> 00:01:03,038
Okay, bye.
Bye.
29
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,140
[both kiss]
30
00:01:05,142 --> 00:01:08,777
I want a divorce.
I already filed.
31
00:01:08,779 --> 00:01:10,946
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
32
00:01:10,948 --> 00:01:12,547
[cash register bell dings]
33
00:01:12,549 --> 00:01:16,151
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
34
00:01:22,258 --> 00:01:24,159
Hey, wife, I need $5
35
00:01:24,161 --> 00:01:25,594
To pay for a spatula
I broke yesterday.
36
00:01:25,596 --> 00:01:29,664
I was having
a gordon ramsay moment.
37
00:01:29,666 --> 00:01:32,267
I'd have sex with him,
by the way.
38
00:01:32,269 --> 00:01:34,469
Why? He'd just
be yelling at you
39
00:01:34,471 --> 00:01:37,172
And telling you
you're doing it wrong.
40
00:01:37,174 --> 00:01:40,175
Yeah, sex.
41
00:01:40,177 --> 00:01:42,244
Take it.
It's in my purse.
42
00:01:42,246 --> 00:01:43,845
Yo, bebe, you got any
extra pills
43
00:01:43,847 --> 00:01:45,981
You're not taking?
44
00:01:45,983 --> 00:01:49,117
No, I'm taking them all.
45
00:01:49,119 --> 00:01:50,619
Oh, my god, no.
46
00:01:50,621 --> 00:01:53,188
What? I just wanted one.
Or two.
47
00:01:53,190 --> 00:01:54,256
Just to take the edge off.
48
00:01:54,258 --> 00:01:56,491
I have a whipped cream final
at 3:00.
49
00:01:56,493 --> 00:01:58,260
No. In the obituaries.
50
00:01:58,262 --> 00:02:00,862
I know this person.
51
00:02:00,864 --> 00:02:03,131
"antonia florentino, 80,
52
00:02:03,133 --> 00:02:04,599
Died peacefully
in her sleep."
53
00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:07,736
That's a suicide, right?
54
00:02:11,774 --> 00:02:13,175
She was my nanny.
55
00:02:13,177 --> 00:02:15,777
You still have a nanny?
56
00:02:15,779 --> 00:02:18,313
Lucky.
57
00:02:18,315 --> 00:02:21,283
She took care of me
most of my childhood.
58
00:02:21,285 --> 00:02:23,185
I loved her so much.
59
00:02:23,187 --> 00:02:24,619
So sorry.
60
00:02:24,621 --> 00:02:25,820
That's kind of how I felt
61
00:02:25,822 --> 00:02:27,322
About my old neighbor,
carla.
62
00:02:27,324 --> 00:02:28,823
I mean, she didn't
take care of me,
63
00:02:28,825 --> 00:02:30,125
But when I was a kid,
she used to let me
64
00:02:30,127 --> 00:02:32,527
Drink out of her hose.
65
00:02:32,529 --> 00:02:35,297
The last time I saw antonia,
she was driving me
66
00:02:35,299 --> 00:02:39,167
And a sloppy nelly furtado
to the teen choice awards.
67
00:02:39,169 --> 00:02:41,303
Oh, are we allowed to cry
at work now?
68
00:02:41,305 --> 00:02:43,705
'cause I only do it
in my car.
69
00:02:50,646 --> 00:02:53,648
Max, you know what
I just realized?
70
00:02:53,650 --> 00:02:55,383
This is the first time
I've been here
71
00:02:55,385 --> 00:02:57,385
Since my nanny died.
72
00:02:57,387 --> 00:03:01,156
You just said that
at chipotle.
73
00:03:01,158 --> 00:03:02,891
And then you said it again
ten minutes later,
74
00:03:02,893 --> 00:03:04,926
Also at chipotle.
75
00:03:04,928 --> 00:03:06,728
Show some sensitivity.
76
00:03:06,730 --> 00:03:09,364
I was crying
because my nanny died.
77
00:03:09,366 --> 00:03:13,235
And also because our
grief brunch was at chipotle.
78
00:03:13,237 --> 00:03:15,237
Caroline, your nanny passed?
79
00:03:15,239 --> 00:03:17,872
My sympathies, sweetheart.
That's a shame.
80
00:03:17,874 --> 00:03:20,275
But there is nothing better
than a black funeral.
81
00:03:20,277 --> 00:03:24,879
I'm still hung over
from my grandpa's in '84.
82
00:03:24,881 --> 00:03:27,048
Earl, my nanny was white.
83
00:03:27,050 --> 00:03:28,116
Your nanny was white?
84
00:03:28,118 --> 00:03:30,919
Child, you were rich.
85
00:03:30,921 --> 00:03:32,921
Have you seen han?
86
00:03:32,923 --> 00:03:34,256
The funeral's in
philadelphia tomorrow,
87
00:03:34,258 --> 00:03:35,724
And I need the day off.
88
00:03:35,726 --> 00:03:37,259
Well, I think
I saw him earlier.
89
00:03:37,261 --> 00:03:39,961
But then again,
it might have been a cat.
90
00:03:39,963 --> 00:03:42,764
Hey, we both need
the day off.
91
00:03:42,766 --> 00:03:44,266
I'm going with you
for moral support/
92
00:03:44,268 --> 00:03:46,234
My first cheesesteak/
I want to ride
93
00:03:46,236 --> 00:03:48,770
The liberty bell
like a wrecking ball.
94
00:03:48,772 --> 00:03:52,474
I just read the craziest article
in this popular science
95
00:03:52,476 --> 00:03:55,710
About white dwarfs,
black holes, and uranus.
96
00:03:57,313 --> 00:04:00,548
Oh, no.
Let me start over.
97
00:04:00,550 --> 00:04:02,784
Han, we need tomorrow off.
My nanny died.
98
00:04:02,786 --> 00:04:04,085
She was like a mother to me.
99
00:04:04,087 --> 00:04:05,387
But she was not your mother.
100
00:04:05,389 --> 00:04:07,055
And diner rules clearly state
101
00:04:07,057 --> 00:04:09,391
You can only take off for
the death of a family member.
102
00:04:09,393 --> 00:04:12,260
Well, the rules also say
no drinking on the job,
103
00:04:12,262 --> 00:04:15,330
But...
[pops open beer can]
104
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,566
Okay, yes, you can go.
105
00:04:18,568 --> 00:04:19,901
Because in my culture,
it's important
106
00:04:19,903 --> 00:04:21,436
To honor the elderly.
107
00:04:21,438 --> 00:04:23,238
I shared a bunk bed
with a 97-year-old
108
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,407
Till I was 22.
109
00:04:25,409 --> 00:04:28,810
Were you on
the top or bottom?
110
00:04:28,812 --> 00:04:33,515
Oh, I was always the bottom.
111
00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:38,520
Oh, no.
Let me start over.
112
00:04:39,622 --> 00:04:40,855
Hey, caroline.
113
00:04:40,857 --> 00:04:43,358
I got your nanny death text.
114
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,794
So I'm wearing black
out of respect.
115
00:04:45,796 --> 00:04:49,998
And also, I got my period.
116
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,000
Thanks, sophie.
That's lovely.
117
00:04:52,002 --> 00:04:54,869
It is?
Which part?
118
00:04:54,871 --> 00:04:57,706
You know, back in poland
when my nanny died,
119
00:04:57,708 --> 00:05:03,678
I was so heartbroken,
I could barely eat her.
120
00:05:10,386 --> 00:05:13,388
You ate your dead nanny?
121
00:05:13,390 --> 00:05:15,824
Well, a goat's a goat.
122
00:05:15,826 --> 00:05:17,392
It doesn't matter
what you name it.
123
00:05:17,394 --> 00:05:21,363
It's still good goat meat.
124
00:05:21,365 --> 00:05:24,032
All right,
I'll be in my booth.
125
00:05:24,034 --> 00:05:27,569
I'm going to order a tuna melt
and three midol, please.
126
00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:31,206
Wait, how are
we gonna get there?
127
00:05:31,208 --> 00:05:33,541
Oh, bebe said she had a car,
we can just ask her.
128
00:05:33,543 --> 00:05:35,243
I don't want to get
in a car with her.
129
00:05:35,245 --> 00:05:38,012
I don't even want to get in
a conversation with her.
130
00:05:38,014 --> 00:05:39,314
I can drive you.
131
00:05:39,316 --> 00:05:40,849
We just have to stop
at my sister's
132
00:05:40,851 --> 00:05:42,817
In bucks county,
pick up an unmarked package,
133
00:05:42,819 --> 00:05:46,354
And swing by connecticut
to drop it off.
134
00:05:46,356 --> 00:05:49,491
Oleg, is there anything illegal
about this delivery?
135
00:05:49,493 --> 00:05:50,992
No, it's just some shoes...
136
00:05:50,994 --> 00:05:53,728
Stuffed with cocaine.
137
00:05:53,730 --> 00:05:56,731
Also the shoes are made
of hashish.
138
00:05:56,733 --> 00:05:59,033
I'll call bebe.
139
00:05:59,035 --> 00:06:00,602
Okay, but I'm sitting
in the back
140
00:06:00,604 --> 00:06:03,304
'cause I don't want
the crazy to get on me.
141
00:06:08,344 --> 00:06:09,544
Bebe, I can't thank you enough
142
00:06:09,546 --> 00:06:12,514
For driving us to the funeral.
143
00:06:12,516 --> 00:06:14,916
We're only going 20.
You can go faster if you want.
144
00:06:14,918 --> 00:06:18,453
Yeah, we just got passed
by a tree.
145
00:06:18,455 --> 00:06:21,389
And I'm especially thrilled
your nervous cocker spaniel
146
00:06:21,391 --> 00:06:24,359
With gas and hot spots
got to join us.
147
00:06:25,528 --> 00:06:27,529
Okay, now you're going 100.
148
00:06:27,531 --> 00:06:28,930
[chuckles nervously]
we can go slower if you want.
149
00:06:28,932 --> 00:06:32,267
Sorry. Extremes--
that's my thing.
150
00:06:32,269 --> 00:06:35,136
One time I moved to tokyo
for a day.
151
00:06:35,138 --> 00:06:38,139
Max, it just hit me again.
I know.
152
00:06:38,141 --> 00:06:40,875
It's like she feeds him
broccoli.
153
00:06:40,877 --> 00:06:42,110
No.
154
00:06:42,112 --> 00:06:44,479
That antonia is really dead.
155
00:06:44,481 --> 00:06:46,414
Well, the good news is,
according to yelp,
156
00:06:46,416 --> 00:06:47,715
She's dead about two blocks
157
00:06:47,717 --> 00:06:49,584
From the famous philly
cheesesteak place.
158
00:06:49,586 --> 00:06:51,286
Max, show some respect.
159
00:06:51,288 --> 00:06:52,887
Well, I didn't know her.
160
00:06:52,889 --> 00:06:54,389
In fact, I only know her
as the lady who brought me
161
00:06:54,391 --> 00:06:56,558
And cheesesteaks together.
162
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,960
Even though we've never met,
it'll mean so much
163
00:06:58,962 --> 00:07:01,963
To antonia's family
that I came out of respect.
164
00:07:01,965 --> 00:07:03,498
It'll mean so much
to my therapist
165
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:04,432
That I left my safe zone
166
00:07:04,434 --> 00:07:06,901
And only brought one
of the dogs.
167
00:07:06,903 --> 00:07:09,404
Max, do you think
in addition to my eulogy,
168
00:07:09,406 --> 00:07:11,673
I should read something
from my childhood journal?
169
00:07:11,675 --> 00:07:14,175
I don't, but I think you're
gonna do it anyway.
170
00:07:14,177 --> 00:07:16,978
"christmas morning, 1997.
171
00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:19,447
"antonia woke me up
with a cup of hot cocoa
172
00:07:19,449 --> 00:07:20,849
"and my favorite
peppermint stick,
173
00:07:20,851 --> 00:07:22,684
And then we opened presents."
174
00:07:22,686 --> 00:07:24,919
Christmas morning, 1997.
175
00:07:24,921 --> 00:07:26,921
I threw cold water
on my mother's face.
176
00:07:26,923 --> 00:07:29,591
New year's day--
still no movement.
177
00:07:29,593 --> 00:07:31,493
Oh.
178
00:07:31,495 --> 00:07:35,129
This is the only picture
I still have of us.
179
00:07:35,131 --> 00:07:36,498
It was our first Halloween
together.
180
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:38,533
I was four.
181
00:07:38,535 --> 00:07:41,836
Look at that cute little baby
chick costume she made me.
182
00:07:41,838 --> 00:07:44,005
Peep, peep.
183
00:07:44,007 --> 00:07:45,640
Aw, so cute.
184
00:07:45,642 --> 00:07:48,610
Car.
185
00:07:48,612 --> 00:07:51,346
I never had
a Halloween costume.
186
00:07:51,348 --> 00:07:53,481
I used to put my hair
in a messy bun
187
00:07:53,483 --> 00:07:54,482
And stumble
from door-to-door
188
00:07:54,484 --> 00:07:56,718
Telling people
I was my mother.
189
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,521
This Halloween, I went
as my doctor, michael.
190
00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:01,322
And I dressed up
my buddy here
191
00:08:01,324 --> 00:08:03,691
As his lover, joseph.
192
00:08:03,693 --> 00:08:06,528
We lost.
193
00:08:06,530 --> 00:08:08,463
Antonia was always there
for me--
194
00:08:08,465 --> 00:08:10,698
Halloween, christmas, easter--
every holiday.
195
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,367
Really, every day.
196
00:08:12,369 --> 00:08:14,402
She was really like
a mother to me.
197
00:08:14,404 --> 00:08:16,137
Where was your real mother?
198
00:08:16,139 --> 00:08:17,171
Hey, what kind of dog
is that?
199
00:08:17,173 --> 00:08:18,673
I mean, besides "sad"?
200
00:08:18,675 --> 00:08:20,542
Her mother had an affair,
got pushed out.
201
00:08:20,544 --> 00:08:23,545
That's her hot spot,
so don't lick it.
202
00:08:23,547 --> 00:08:26,414
It's okay, max,
I don't need any protection.
203
00:08:26,416 --> 00:08:27,749
You don't need protection?
204
00:08:27,751 --> 00:08:29,751
Who are you,
every guy I've ever dated?
205
00:08:29,753 --> 00:08:31,586
Bebe, yes, my mother
was unfaithful
206
00:08:31,588 --> 00:08:33,555
To my father,
so she was sent away.
207
00:08:33,557 --> 00:08:35,657
But I had antonia
and she took care of me.
208
00:08:35,659 --> 00:08:37,559
She was my family.
209
00:08:37,561 --> 00:08:39,561
That must have been hard.
Everybody needs a mother.
210
00:08:39,563 --> 00:08:41,996
I'd be crazy
without my mother.
211
00:08:41,998 --> 00:08:44,866
She drives me to
all my appointments.
212
00:08:44,868 --> 00:08:46,568
But you drive.
213
00:08:46,570 --> 00:08:48,269
Yeah...
214
00:08:48,271 --> 00:08:51,239
But I'm not supposed to.
215
00:08:56,512 --> 00:08:59,447
It's okay I asked bebe
to wait in the car, right?
216
00:08:59,449 --> 00:09:02,083
I mean, she'll be okay.
We cracked a window.
217
00:09:02,085 --> 00:09:04,619
Yeah, and she's got
a bowl and a chew-toy.
218
00:09:06,722 --> 00:09:08,756
Come on, let's sign in.
219
00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:11,526
Max, I have to keep it together
when I meet the family.
220
00:09:11,528 --> 00:09:13,394
I can't be all emotional.
221
00:09:13,396 --> 00:09:16,931
Look, my hand's shaking.
This is terrible.
222
00:09:16,933 --> 00:09:20,868
[coughs, tears page]
223
00:09:20,870 --> 00:09:23,137
What? It was
a terrible signature.
224
00:09:23,139 --> 00:09:24,639
And there were only five
other names on the page.
225
00:09:24,641 --> 00:09:26,574
Get rid of it.
226
00:09:26,576 --> 00:09:28,142
"get rid of it"?
227
00:09:28,144 --> 00:09:31,746
Who are you,
every guy I've ever dated?
228
00:09:31,748 --> 00:09:34,082
"caroline channing."
229
00:09:34,084 --> 00:09:35,783
Here, max.
230
00:09:35,785 --> 00:09:37,585
Oh, look.
231
00:09:37,587 --> 00:09:39,954
The flowers and everything are
so beautiful.
232
00:09:39,956 --> 00:09:41,289
There you go.
233
00:09:41,291 --> 00:09:46,761
You signed
"phil e. Cheesesteak"?
234
00:09:46,763 --> 00:09:49,230
You told me
not to mention it anymore,
235
00:09:49,232 --> 00:09:50,932
So it's just a reminder.
236
00:09:50,934 --> 00:09:53,768
Okay, max, there are gonna
be a lot of people
237
00:09:53,770 --> 00:09:55,970
Who will want my attention,
so please be patient
238
00:09:55,972 --> 00:09:58,139
And stand next to me for
the occasional supportive lean.
239
00:09:58,141 --> 00:09:59,240
And if someone starts
to get too weepy,
240
00:09:59,242 --> 00:10:00,642
Push them out of the way
241
00:10:00,644 --> 00:10:01,776
Because I can't get tears
on this dress.
242
00:10:01,778 --> 00:10:04,312
It has to be back
to barneys by 9:00 a.M.
243
00:10:05,514 --> 00:10:06,614
You're here.
244
00:10:06,616 --> 00:10:08,650
Here we go, max.
245
00:10:08,652 --> 00:10:10,585
[crying]
246
00:10:12,755 --> 00:10:15,723
I was talking to him.
247
00:10:20,262 --> 00:10:23,197
Of course you were.
It's a very sad day for us all.
248
00:10:26,535 --> 00:10:29,003
That was rough.
249
00:10:31,373 --> 00:10:34,142
Oh.
Max, look.
250
00:10:34,144 --> 00:10:35,376
This is antonia.
251
00:10:35,378 --> 00:10:37,545
Wow.
She looks really nice.
252
00:10:37,547 --> 00:10:38,946
She was.
253
00:10:38,948 --> 00:10:40,982
I didn't know
she was in the military.
254
00:10:40,984 --> 00:10:44,786
But it does explain those
fabulous bed sheet corners.
255
00:10:44,788 --> 00:10:47,355
Wait, you didn't know
your nanny was a marine?
256
00:10:47,357 --> 00:10:48,790
That's too bad,
'cause I'd be all,
257
00:10:48,792 --> 00:10:49,857
"yo, other little rich kid!
258
00:10:49,859 --> 00:10:52,694
My nanny can snap your neck."
259
00:10:52,696 --> 00:10:56,831
Oh, look. There are
her sisters, cecelia and angela,
260
00:10:56,833 --> 00:10:58,866
And there are
her nieces and nephews.
261
00:10:58,868 --> 00:11:03,037
And there is not me anywhere.
262
00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:04,038
You know, my picture must be
in the coffin
263
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:08,476
With the other v.I.P.S.
264
00:11:08,478 --> 00:11:11,345
If you're a v.I.P.,
can we get some bottle service?
265
00:11:11,347 --> 00:11:12,714
Good afternoon, ladies.
266
00:11:12,716 --> 00:11:15,183
I'm anthony,
antonia's nephew.
267
00:11:15,185 --> 00:11:16,918
It's sad day, huh?
268
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,152
Yes, it is.
269
00:11:18,154 --> 00:11:19,754
Oh.
270
00:11:19,756 --> 00:11:21,255
Think I just got
a little less sad.
271
00:11:21,257 --> 00:11:23,191
[gasps]
oh! Anthony!
272
00:11:23,193 --> 00:11:25,493
Stop.
We're family.
273
00:11:25,495 --> 00:11:27,195
I'm caroline channing.
274
00:11:27,197 --> 00:11:31,399
You're caroline "hot,"
is all I know.
275
00:11:31,401 --> 00:11:32,834
You ladies need
cash envelopes
276
00:11:32,836 --> 00:11:33,701
Or you guys cool?
277
00:11:33,703 --> 00:11:37,538
I always need
a cash envelope.
278
00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:39,741
I'm sorry,
envelopes for what?
279
00:11:39,743 --> 00:11:41,843
Well, at italian wakes,
the mourners give the family
280
00:11:41,845 --> 00:11:44,112
A donation after
they view the deceased.
281
00:11:44,114 --> 00:11:46,547
So it's pay-per-view?
282
00:11:46,549 --> 00:11:49,684
That was a good one.
283
00:11:49,686 --> 00:11:51,919
Hey, you want to go get
a pop later?
284
00:11:51,921 --> 00:11:54,756
We're leaving right after,
but yes, anthony.
285
00:11:54,758 --> 00:11:56,891
Thank you.
We'll take an envelope.
286
00:11:56,893 --> 00:11:58,226
All right.
287
00:11:58,228 --> 00:12:00,595
The body's right
through there.
288
00:12:00,597 --> 00:12:02,797
Go right ahead.
Right through.
289
00:12:02,799 --> 00:12:04,732
Anthony, stop.
290
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:06,100
I'm really nervous.
291
00:12:06,102 --> 00:12:07,902
I've never seen
a dead body before.
292
00:12:07,904 --> 00:12:09,103
I've seen a bunch.
293
00:12:09,105 --> 00:12:12,106
A couple of them
were my fault.
294
00:12:12,108 --> 00:12:13,741
I don't have any cash.
295
00:12:13,743 --> 00:12:17,044
Do you have any money?
Let me check my wallet.
296
00:12:17,046 --> 00:12:21,048
This is a real ziploc,
not one of those knock-offs.
297
00:12:23,252 --> 00:12:24,652
Make sure you seal
the envelope,
298
00:12:24,654 --> 00:12:27,088
So people think
it's all quarters.
299
00:12:27,090 --> 00:12:28,623
Max, we're next.
300
00:12:28,625 --> 00:12:30,057
I'm afraid.
Hold my hand.
301
00:12:30,059 --> 00:12:31,626
Hold hands?
What are we?
302
00:12:31,628 --> 00:12:34,729
On a christian mingle
fifth date?
303
00:12:35,931 --> 00:12:37,632
Please, max.
I'm nervous.
304
00:12:37,634 --> 00:12:39,567
Oh, god.
Thank you.
305
00:12:39,569 --> 00:12:41,302
Okay. Now give it back.
306
00:12:41,304 --> 00:12:44,772
What? That was just
my longest relationship.
307
00:12:44,774 --> 00:12:47,642
Plus, I need it to put
this change in the envelope.
308
00:12:49,945 --> 00:12:53,648
Oh, she looks so peaceful.
309
00:12:53,650 --> 00:12:57,785
Hi, antonia.
It's me, caroline.
310
00:12:57,787 --> 00:12:59,954
Should I kiss her? The family
is right there watching.
311
00:12:59,956 --> 00:13:01,789
The lady before us
kissed her.
312
00:13:01,791 --> 00:13:03,257
Go for it.
313
00:13:03,259 --> 00:13:05,760
Doesn't look like
she'd fight you.
314
00:13:05,762 --> 00:13:07,762
Okay, on the count of three.
315
00:13:07,764 --> 00:13:09,630
One, two--
316
00:13:09,632 --> 00:13:11,132
No! Max, hold my hand again
while I--
317
00:13:11,134 --> 00:13:13,201
[coins clatter]
318
00:13:15,037 --> 00:13:16,971
What do we do?
319
00:13:16,973 --> 00:13:19,807
Wait, leave it! We were
giving it to them anyway.
320
00:13:19,809 --> 00:13:22,443
Not all of it.
That's our cheesesteak money.
321
00:13:22,445 --> 00:13:24,779
Leave it. Come on.
322
00:13:24,781 --> 00:13:27,782
I am so, so sorry
about that.
323
00:13:27,784 --> 00:13:30,151
My nerves got the best of me.
You understand.
324
00:13:30,153 --> 00:13:32,186
I'm cecelia, antonia's--
325
00:13:32,188 --> 00:13:33,187
Sister. I know.
326
00:13:33,189 --> 00:13:34,655
I see the resemblance.
327
00:13:34,657 --> 00:13:37,792
I'm caroline.
328
00:13:37,794 --> 00:13:40,862
Caroline who?
329
00:13:40,864 --> 00:13:43,130
Oh. Caroline channing.
330
00:13:45,801 --> 00:13:48,636
Caroline channing who?
331
00:13:48,638 --> 00:13:51,305
You're having a hard time
processing. Understandable.
332
00:13:51,307 --> 00:13:53,574
It's been a very emotional day
for us all.
333
00:13:53,576 --> 00:13:54,976
Who is this girl?
334
00:13:54,978 --> 00:13:57,912
You, I feel like
I've seen somewhere.
335
00:13:57,914 --> 00:14:00,014
Are you ricky's girl
336
00:14:00,016 --> 00:14:01,382
From rochester?
337
00:14:01,384 --> 00:14:05,920
I could be.
What's in it for me?
338
00:14:05,922 --> 00:14:08,556
Antonia used to take care
of me when I was little.
339
00:14:08,558 --> 00:14:11,826
Oh, antonia was
your baby-sitter.
340
00:14:11,828 --> 00:14:13,861
Very nice of you to come.
341
00:14:13,863 --> 00:14:16,497
Well, she was hardly
my "baby-sitter."
342
00:14:16,499 --> 00:14:19,166
She took care of me
every day for ten years.
343
00:14:19,168 --> 00:14:21,903
Caroline.
Caroline channing.
344
00:14:21,905 --> 00:14:25,773
I'm sorry, but I don't
know who you are, sweetheart,
345
00:14:25,775 --> 00:14:30,511
Though it seems to be
what you're hammering me about.
346
00:14:30,513 --> 00:14:32,947
If you'll excuse me,
347
00:14:32,949 --> 00:14:34,215
I need a cigarette.
348
00:14:34,217 --> 00:14:35,917
And then I got to remove
349
00:14:35,919 --> 00:14:38,185
Some of those pennies
off of my sister.
350
00:14:38,187 --> 00:14:42,290
It's a coffin,
not a wishing well.
351
00:14:42,292 --> 00:14:44,158
Marone.
352
00:14:49,965 --> 00:14:53,534
This funeral turned out
to be very depressing.
353
00:14:53,536 --> 00:14:54,902
Well, yeah.
354
00:14:54,904 --> 00:14:57,738
Dead body in the room,
generally a buzz-kill.
355
00:14:57,740 --> 00:14:59,206
Unless it's an irish wake--
356
00:14:59,208 --> 00:15:02,310
Then you're playing beer pong
off the coffin.
357
00:15:02,312 --> 00:15:03,978
No, I mean,
how is it possible
358
00:15:03,980 --> 00:15:05,913
That the family doesn't
even know me?
359
00:15:05,915 --> 00:15:08,115
Did antonia never
even mention me?
360
00:15:08,117 --> 00:15:09,750
Let's focus on the positive.
361
00:15:09,752 --> 00:15:12,253
Anthony really liked
your ass.
362
00:15:12,255 --> 00:15:14,722
I know what
antonia and I had.
363
00:15:14,724 --> 00:15:16,324
This is what we had.
364
00:15:16,326 --> 00:15:17,558
Peep, peep.
365
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:19,093
That's what we had.
366
00:15:19,095 --> 00:15:20,895
Well, that's a lot.
367
00:15:20,897 --> 00:15:22,296
But I guess no one
in this family
368
00:15:22,298 --> 00:15:24,298
Wants to admit that,
and it's a shame too,
369
00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:26,267
Because I had a great eulogy.
370
00:15:26,269 --> 00:15:27,835
You do?
371
00:15:27,837 --> 00:15:29,103
Yes. I do.
372
00:15:29,105 --> 00:15:30,738
Would you like me
to share it with you?
373
00:15:30,740 --> 00:15:33,074
I most certainly would.
374
00:15:33,076 --> 00:15:35,776
You are not seriously
eulogy-bombing
375
00:15:35,778 --> 00:15:37,078
That old lady, are you?
376
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,914
She asked me about
my great eulogy.
377
00:15:39,916 --> 00:15:41,582
She's a hundred.
378
00:15:41,584 --> 00:15:44,919
She probably thought you said
you had a great urologist.
379
00:15:44,921 --> 00:15:46,120
Do you have a pen?
380
00:15:46,122 --> 00:15:50,091
I'm getting the name
of her doctor.
381
00:15:50,093 --> 00:15:52,593
No, ma'am, I didn't say,
"urologist."
382
00:15:52,595 --> 00:15:55,162
I said, "eulogy."
a great eulogy.
383
00:15:55,164 --> 00:15:58,966
Why would you give
the eulogy?
384
00:15:58,968 --> 00:16:02,269
Because I'm caroline channing.
385
00:16:02,271 --> 00:16:03,838
Who?
386
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,040
Caroline channing.
387
00:16:06,042 --> 00:16:07,942
Caroline channing.
388
00:16:07,944 --> 00:16:10,177
Antonia was my nanny.
389
00:16:10,179 --> 00:16:11,645
My family was rich,
390
00:16:11,647 --> 00:16:13,481
But then my father robbed
everyone,
391
00:16:13,483 --> 00:16:15,983
And we became
the scourge of society,
392
00:16:15,985 --> 00:16:17,852
Overshadowed
a little bit by mel gibson
393
00:16:17,854 --> 00:16:19,020
Hating the jews
that same week.
394
00:16:19,022 --> 00:16:21,989
Surely, you remember?
395
00:16:21,991 --> 00:16:27,294
Honey, I don't even remember
how I got here.
396
00:16:29,998 --> 00:16:31,499
I can't believe this.
397
00:16:31,501 --> 00:16:34,068
I constructed my entire
"happy" childhood
398
00:16:34,070 --> 00:16:35,836
On the fact that
even though my mom left
399
00:16:35,838 --> 00:16:37,204
And apparently didn't love me,
400
00:16:37,206 --> 00:16:39,040
Antonia did.
401
00:16:39,042 --> 00:16:40,474
And now I get here
and I realize
402
00:16:40,476 --> 00:16:42,877
No one loved me,
I was just a paycheck.
403
00:16:42,879 --> 00:16:44,979
One of the many kids
she baby-sat.
404
00:16:44,981 --> 00:16:46,914
I don't even know
why I bothered to come.
405
00:16:46,916 --> 00:16:49,450
I'm going to the restroom
and then we can just leave.
406
00:16:53,255 --> 00:16:55,689
Excuse me. Hi.
407
00:16:55,691 --> 00:16:58,092
Max, ricky's girl.
408
00:16:58,094 --> 00:17:00,828
[clears throat] I know this
is a hard time for you,
409
00:17:00,830 --> 00:17:02,897
But it's a hard time
for my friend as well.
410
00:17:02,899 --> 00:17:04,365
And even though
you never heard of her,
411
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:06,333
I was wondering if
you could just go over there,
412
00:17:06,335 --> 00:17:07,835
And say you just
remembered her,
413
00:17:07,837 --> 00:17:09,837
And that antonia talked
about her all the time?
414
00:17:09,839 --> 00:17:14,075
I know it's a 180 on your
original story and a lie,
415
00:17:14,077 --> 00:17:15,543
And I'd offer to pay you
for your trouble,
416
00:17:15,545 --> 00:17:17,411
But my 401k is laying
in that box
417
00:17:17,413 --> 00:17:19,547
On top of your sister.
418
00:17:19,549 --> 00:17:24,185
Look, I only permitted
you two to stay
419
00:17:24,187 --> 00:17:27,221
'cause your ricky was so nice
to uncle joe
420
00:17:27,223 --> 00:17:30,424
When he fell off the roof
last year.
421
00:17:30,426 --> 00:17:33,294
But now, you gotta go.
422
00:17:33,296 --> 00:17:36,730
Okay.
Be that way.
423
00:17:36,732 --> 00:17:38,399
But don't expect ricky
to pick up
424
00:17:38,401 --> 00:17:40,101
Uncle joe for dialysis.
425
00:17:46,808 --> 00:17:48,642
Max, what are you doing?
426
00:17:48,644 --> 00:17:50,111
The family asked me
to put it up.
427
00:17:50,113 --> 00:17:51,946
They just remembered you.
428
00:17:51,948 --> 00:17:53,114
Oh, my god.
429
00:17:53,116 --> 00:17:54,949
I'm so pathetic,
you have to put up
430
00:17:54,951 --> 00:17:56,917
My picture
to make me feel better?
431
00:17:56,919 --> 00:17:59,487
In a way, yes.
432
00:17:59,489 --> 00:18:01,288
It belongs up there.
433
00:18:01,290 --> 00:18:03,891
Who wouldn't want
to know that kid?
434
00:18:03,893 --> 00:18:05,159
Nice to meet you, antonia.
435
00:18:05,161 --> 00:18:07,495
Please don't haunt us.
436
00:18:07,497 --> 00:18:09,430
Now, let's hit the road and
get some freaking cheesesteaks!
437
00:18:09,432 --> 00:18:11,265
Max, please take
that down.
438
00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:12,666
It's so embarrassing.
439
00:18:12,668 --> 00:18:15,069
Nobody here knows
anything about me.
440
00:18:15,071 --> 00:18:17,271
They didn't know me either,
chicken.
441
00:18:17,273 --> 00:18:19,073
Hey, who you callin' chicken?
442
00:18:19,075 --> 00:18:22,309
Me. That was
antonia's nickname for me.
443
00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:23,911
You know who I am?
444
00:18:23,913 --> 00:18:25,279
Of course I do.
445
00:18:25,281 --> 00:18:27,915
Antonia's little chick,
her peep.
446
00:18:27,917 --> 00:18:30,117
She loved you.
447
00:18:30,119 --> 00:18:33,120
And she loved making you
that costume.
448
00:18:33,122 --> 00:18:37,091
Took the whole kitchen table up
with all those sequins,
449
00:18:37,093 --> 00:18:40,094
But she knew you deserved
to sparkle.
450
00:18:40,096 --> 00:18:44,265
She loved you so much,
I couldn't begin to complain.
451
00:18:44,267 --> 00:18:46,534
I'm so sorry.
What was your name?
452
00:18:46,536 --> 00:18:49,136
I'm meg o'hara.
I was her roommate.
453
00:18:49,138 --> 00:18:51,772
And lover.
454
00:18:51,774 --> 00:18:53,941
We were together 30 years.
455
00:18:55,210 --> 00:18:59,280
Both: The military!
456
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:06,220
I know, right?
I mean, come on.
457
00:19:06,222 --> 00:19:10,291
That's me with my arm
around her on that tank.
458
00:19:10,293 --> 00:19:13,894
And the family still
had no clue.
459
00:19:13,896 --> 00:19:17,498
Vintage lez--
very cool.
460
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:21,268
I know toni would have
wanted you to have these.
461
00:19:22,504 --> 00:19:26,340
Oh, thanks for coming,
chicken.
462
00:19:26,342 --> 00:19:29,210
You're probably
the only person in the world
463
00:19:29,212 --> 00:19:32,279
Who loved her
as purely as I did.
464
00:19:37,686 --> 00:19:40,254
Max, look.
465
00:19:40,256 --> 00:19:41,822
Christmas.
466
00:19:41,824 --> 00:19:44,024
And my birthday.
467
00:19:44,026 --> 00:19:47,094
And the teen choice awards.
468
00:19:51,266 --> 00:19:53,601
I'm sorry for your loss.
469
00:19:56,338 --> 00:19:59,506
Thank you.
470
00:20:03,712 --> 00:20:06,280
Philly cheesesteaks
for everybody!
471
00:20:06,282 --> 00:20:08,115
And you really haven't
lived
472
00:20:08,117 --> 00:20:09,550
Until you've driven
two hours in a chevy
473
00:20:09,552 --> 00:20:12,219
With nine cheesesteaks
and a gassy animal.
474
00:20:12,221 --> 00:20:14,922
What? I ate mine
in the car.
475
00:20:14,924 --> 00:20:17,057
Hey, earl, you missed
one hell of a funeral.
476
00:20:17,059 --> 00:20:18,392
You should have come.
477
00:20:18,394 --> 00:20:19,693
There were some hot
octogenarians,
478
00:20:19,695 --> 00:20:20,728
And I got a definite
"jungle fever" vibe
479
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:22,296
From one of them.
480
00:20:22,298 --> 00:20:23,731
Girl, at my age,
you don't go
481
00:20:23,733 --> 00:20:25,299
Anywhere near funerals.
482
00:20:25,301 --> 00:20:27,901
You accidentally doze off,
you spend six hours
483
00:20:27,903 --> 00:20:30,170
Digging yourself
out of the ground.
484
00:20:33,541 --> 00:20:36,277
Hey, how you holding up,
chicken?
485
00:20:36,279 --> 00:20:37,578
I'm okay. Thanks.
486
00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:39,313
And max, when I die,
487
00:20:39,315 --> 00:20:40,981
I don't care who else
is at my funeral,
488
00:20:40,983 --> 00:20:42,283
As long as you're there.
489
00:20:42,285 --> 00:20:44,084
Of course I'll be there.
490
00:20:44,086 --> 00:20:46,754
The murderer always shows up
to throw off the cops.
491
00:20:46,756 --> 00:20:48,656
Also, save the money
on a casket
492
00:20:48,658 --> 00:20:51,292
And just toss me in a hole
wearing dior and a smoky eye.
493
00:20:51,294 --> 00:20:53,827
Unless I'm fat--
then burn me.
494
00:20:53,829 --> 00:20:55,462
Well, I don't want
a funeral.
495
00:20:55,464 --> 00:20:57,765
When I die, just shove
my corpse into a cannon
496
00:20:57,767 --> 00:21:00,401
And blow me directly
into the trump casino.
497
00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:07,041
[cash register bell dings]