1
00:00:00,510 --> 00:00:02,711
Your waitress
just went on break,
2
00:00:02,713 --> 00:00:04,813
And I'm just someone
who likes dressing
3
00:00:04,815 --> 00:00:05,814
Like a polyester hot dog,
so I'll take that
4
00:00:05,816 --> 00:00:07,082
Whenever you're ready.
5
00:00:07,084 --> 00:00:09,484
There you go.
No rush.
6
00:00:09,486 --> 00:00:15,057
Okay, mr. Rajeev guttikonda.
7
00:00:15,059 --> 00:00:17,392
I have to say,
that's a pretty gutti scheme
8
00:00:17,394 --> 00:00:18,760
You got going there,
9
00:00:18,762 --> 00:00:21,496
But I guttikonda
don't believe it.
10
00:00:21,498 --> 00:00:23,999
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you saying there?
11
00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:26,168
What am I
saying there, boston?
12
00:00:26,170 --> 00:00:28,336
I'm saying I believe
you watched slumdog millionaire
13
00:00:28,338 --> 00:00:30,338
On a sticky couch
in your mom's basement,
14
00:00:30,340 --> 00:00:32,574
But I'm not buying
that you're indian.
15
00:00:32,576 --> 00:00:36,044
So take your fake, east boston,
indian accent out of here,
16
00:00:36,046 --> 00:00:37,579
Or I'll call the cops.
17
00:00:37,581 --> 00:00:39,681
Dude, stolen credit card,
and you choose to eat here?
18
00:00:39,683 --> 00:00:41,850
That's the real crime.
19
00:00:41,852 --> 00:00:44,219
Hey, rajeev.
20
00:00:44,221 --> 00:00:47,022
Rajeev, my man.
21
00:00:47,024 --> 00:00:49,024
Rajeev gudikanda.
22
00:00:49,026 --> 00:00:50,792
You know what?
This one's on me.
23
00:00:50,794 --> 00:00:54,296
[chuckles]
I have trust issues.
24
00:00:54,298 --> 00:00:56,398
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
25
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,066
[cash register bell dings]
26
00:00:58,068 --> 00:01:03,405
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
27
00:01:08,478 --> 00:01:09,678
That's weird.
28
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,213
We still have
three red velvets left.
29
00:01:11,215 --> 00:01:12,347
I guess that bulimic girl
30
00:01:12,349 --> 00:01:13,748
Didn't come in today.
31
00:01:13,750 --> 00:01:15,484
No, she's here.
32
00:01:15,486 --> 00:01:17,819
She's in the bathroom.
33
00:01:17,821 --> 00:01:20,655
Hmm, if I save these
for her,
34
00:01:20,657 --> 00:01:23,158
Would that be helping
or hurting?
35
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:24,426
Hey, everybody.
36
00:01:24,428 --> 00:01:25,594
Speaking of hurting,
37
00:01:25,596 --> 00:01:27,329
Here comes a pain in my ass.
38
00:01:27,331 --> 00:01:29,164
Han, do you want
the last red velvet?
39
00:01:29,166 --> 00:01:30,599
The other two
are for the bulimic girl.
40
00:01:30,601 --> 00:01:32,734
I made the call.
41
00:01:32,736 --> 00:01:34,269
No more cupcakes for me.
42
00:01:34,271 --> 00:01:36,238
I've been on a juice cleanse
for six days.
43
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,672
Han's on the prowl,
44
00:01:37,674 --> 00:01:41,510
And I got to keep
this body tight, son.
45
00:01:41,512 --> 00:01:45,180
I'm in the dating pool,
you know.
46
00:01:45,182 --> 00:01:48,083
Yeah, the shallow end.
47
00:01:48,085 --> 00:01:50,218
You know those cleanses
never work, right?
48
00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:55,056
Really?
Then how do you explain this?
49
00:01:55,058 --> 00:01:57,192
I don't know.
50
00:01:57,194 --> 00:02:00,162
Am I supposed to rub it
and make a wish?
51
00:02:01,430 --> 00:02:05,200
Not bad for having
three kids, han.
52
00:02:05,202 --> 00:02:07,969
What? You don't see
my abs coming in?
53
00:02:07,971 --> 00:02:11,339
I see one large ab
coming in.
54
00:02:11,341 --> 00:02:14,876
That's at least a two-pack.
55
00:02:14,878 --> 00:02:19,748
Han, the real tupac is more
alive than your two-pack.
56
00:02:21,784 --> 00:02:24,119
I'm gonna give this last cupcake
away as a free sample.
57
00:02:24,121 --> 00:02:25,554
My promotional tweets
58
00:02:25,556 --> 00:02:26,721
Haven't been getting
much love lately.
59
00:02:26,723 --> 00:02:28,123
What'd you say?
60
00:02:28,125 --> 00:02:30,158
I black out
whenever you use work words.
61
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,727
All I said was "promotional
tweets" and "sample."
62
00:02:32,729 --> 00:02:35,297
What?
63
00:02:35,299 --> 00:02:37,732
Here you go, ladies,
a max's homemade cupcake
64
00:02:37,734 --> 00:02:39,134
On the house.
65
00:02:39,136 --> 00:02:40,135
Nah, I'm cool.
66
00:02:40,137 --> 00:02:41,503
I'm saving my calories
67
00:02:41,505 --> 00:02:43,572
For one of those
fabulous new cronuts.
68
00:02:43,574 --> 00:02:46,308
Plus, cupcakes are so over.
69
00:02:46,310 --> 00:02:49,811
Well, so is blossom, but...
70
00:02:52,248 --> 00:02:56,318
It didn't stop you
from wearing that outfit.
71
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,320
Those flower power skanks
over there--
72
00:02:58,322 --> 00:02:59,921
"flower power skanks."
73
00:02:59,923 --> 00:03:02,991
See, these are words
I recognize and hear.
74
00:03:02,993 --> 00:03:06,461
Anyway, she said
she only cares about cronuts
75
00:03:06,463 --> 00:03:08,230
And that cupcakes are over.
76
00:03:08,232 --> 00:03:09,898
Cupcakes are classic,
right?
77
00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:11,166
Don't listen to them.
78
00:03:11,168 --> 00:03:13,335
They're wearing
high-waisted jeans.
79
00:03:13,337 --> 00:03:15,670
The only time I like
seeing women's jeans that high
80
00:03:15,672 --> 00:03:18,006
Is when I'm giving han
a wedgie.
81
00:03:18,008 --> 00:03:19,608
Also, what's a cronut?
82
00:03:19,610 --> 00:03:22,777
Cronut is what we called
my croatian cousin
83
00:03:22,779 --> 00:03:25,680
With one testicle.
84
00:03:25,682 --> 00:03:29,684
He hung himself.
85
00:03:29,686 --> 00:03:31,686
Okay, well,
in america,
86
00:03:31,688 --> 00:03:33,521
It's a half-croissant,
half-doughnut.
87
00:03:33,523 --> 00:03:35,690
They're on the news,
twitter, instagram.
88
00:03:35,692 --> 00:03:37,425
People can't stop talking
about them.
89
00:03:37,427 --> 00:03:38,994
If cronuts had tongues,
90
00:03:38,996 --> 00:03:41,663
They'd be the miley cyrus
of pastries.
91
00:03:41,665 --> 00:03:44,299
You're right.
They sound stupid.
92
00:03:44,301 --> 00:03:46,701
Stupid delicious.
Where can I get one?
93
00:03:46,703 --> 00:03:49,437
You can only get them
at this one pastry shop in soho,
94
00:03:49,439 --> 00:03:51,606
And people start lining up
at 4:00 a.M.
95
00:03:51,608 --> 00:03:53,975
Boy, times do change.
96
00:03:53,977 --> 00:03:55,677
Back in the day,
4:00 a.M.
97
00:03:55,679 --> 00:03:57,145
Was when people
would snort lines,
98
00:03:57,147 --> 00:04:00,215
Not stand in 'em.
99
00:04:00,217 --> 00:04:01,950
Who has the time
to wait in line all day
100
00:04:01,952 --> 00:04:04,119
For a piece of lame pastry?
101
00:04:04,121 --> 00:04:05,720
Hey, everyone.
102
00:04:05,722 --> 00:04:08,123
I got a cronut.
103
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,729
I waited in line
for two whole days.
104
00:04:14,731 --> 00:04:16,865
Sophie, you bought
into the hype too?
105
00:04:16,867 --> 00:04:21,369
Oh, come on, you know your girl
sophie is always on trend.
106
00:04:21,371 --> 00:04:22,804
I was the first one
wearing crocs.
107
00:04:22,806 --> 00:04:26,808
I brought the crocs craze
to america.
108
00:04:26,810 --> 00:04:29,377
When I was rich,
I sent 10,000 pairs of crocs
109
00:04:29,379 --> 00:04:30,578
To children in africa.
110
00:04:30,580 --> 00:04:33,548
Why, to make them
less cool?
111
00:04:33,550 --> 00:04:37,419
Look, girls, here I am
in the cronut line.
112
00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:40,121
And here I am still in line.
113
00:04:40,123 --> 00:04:45,727
Oh, and--oh, and here I am
riding a baby elephant.
114
00:04:45,729 --> 00:04:48,430
And here I am
eating a cronut.
115
00:04:48,432 --> 00:04:51,399
Max, as stupid as it is,
we've got to go over there.
116
00:04:51,401 --> 00:04:53,968
We need to figure out
what they have that we don't.
117
00:04:53,970 --> 00:04:56,905
Oh, I'll tell you
what they have.
118
00:04:56,907 --> 00:04:59,574
Cronuts.
119
00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:04,379
Oh, my god.
Look at this line.
120
00:05:04,381 --> 00:05:06,314
I knew we should have gotten
here sooner,
121
00:05:06,316 --> 00:05:08,350
But, no, I had to be
a good person,
122
00:05:08,352 --> 00:05:09,818
I had to carry
that torso man
123
00:05:09,820 --> 00:05:12,253
On the skateboard
up the subway stairs.
124
00:05:12,255 --> 00:05:15,190
All this is for a croissant
and a doughnut?
125
00:05:15,192 --> 00:05:17,192
Those things
already existed.
126
00:05:17,194 --> 00:05:19,160
Where was all the fanfare when
I combined the sleeping pill
127
00:05:19,162 --> 00:05:20,762
With the morning after pill
and called it
128
00:05:20,764 --> 00:05:23,064
The "sleep-through-
the-morning-after" pill?
129
00:05:23,066 --> 00:05:25,166
How did these things
get so popular?
130
00:05:25,168 --> 00:05:27,669
There's no science
to this trend stuff.
131
00:05:27,671 --> 00:05:29,771
It's all decided
by one bitchy gay guy
132
00:05:29,773 --> 00:05:31,906
Typing in his room,
making it all up.
133
00:05:31,908 --> 00:05:33,908
Well, then we have to do
some trend research.
134
00:05:33,910 --> 00:05:35,610
We've got to figure out how
to make max's homemade cupcakes
135
00:05:35,612 --> 00:05:37,245
The next cronuts.
136
00:05:37,247 --> 00:05:38,747
I hate
all these stupid trends.
137
00:05:38,749 --> 00:05:42,117
Cleanses, cronuts,
condoms.
138
00:05:42,119 --> 00:05:44,519
Excuse me, sir,
139
00:05:44,521 --> 00:05:45,787
My name's caroline.
140
00:05:45,789 --> 00:05:47,088
I'm a trend researcher.
141
00:05:47,090 --> 00:05:50,558
I'm chuck.
I sell magnets.
142
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,194
What made you want to spend
an entire day
143
00:05:53,196 --> 00:05:54,629
In line for cronuts?
144
00:05:54,631 --> 00:05:56,965
I like croissants.
I like doughnuts.
145
00:05:56,967 --> 00:06:00,602
I'm a fat guy.
It all adds up.
146
00:06:00,604 --> 00:06:02,937
That's true.
You are a fat guy.
147
00:06:02,939 --> 00:06:05,206
And there's a doughnut shop
right across the street.
148
00:06:05,208 --> 00:06:07,475
So why don't you just
stop there, get a damn doughnut,
149
00:06:07,477 --> 00:06:08,943
And save yourself
the last 200
150
00:06:08,945 --> 00:06:11,146
Possibly life-threatening steps
to here?
151
00:06:11,148 --> 00:06:13,782
Look, it's two things
I like put together.
152
00:06:13,784 --> 00:06:15,116
End of story.
153
00:06:15,118 --> 00:06:17,018
That's it, max.
154
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:19,020
It's the two things together.
155
00:06:19,022 --> 00:06:20,555
One thing
isn't enough anymore.
156
00:06:20,557 --> 00:06:23,458
Yeah, that's why oleg's cousin
hung himself.
157
00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:25,226
I'm serious.
158
00:06:25,228 --> 00:06:27,829
When's the last time
you did just one thing?
159
00:06:27,831 --> 00:06:30,665
Like, watch a movie without
playing a game on your phone?
160
00:06:30,667 --> 00:06:32,233
Magic mike.
161
00:06:32,235 --> 00:06:34,302
Wait, does playing
with yourself count?
162
00:06:34,304 --> 00:06:36,204
Come on, let's get
to the end of the line.
163
00:06:36,206 --> 00:06:38,139
[scoffs]
end of the line?
164
00:06:38,141 --> 00:06:39,474
That's for rookies.
165
00:06:39,476 --> 00:06:40,975
I'm a line pro.
166
00:06:40,977 --> 00:06:43,144
My mom and I waited in line
for food stamps,
167
00:06:43,146 --> 00:06:44,646
Bob seger lawn seats.
168
00:06:44,648 --> 00:06:47,015
We spent a Saturday
in the "guns for cash" line.
169
00:06:47,017 --> 00:06:49,484
Now that's a line
you don't want to cut in.
170
00:06:49,486 --> 00:06:51,753
Follow my lead.
171
00:06:55,691 --> 00:06:57,826
Hey, man, cronut line.
172
00:06:57,828 --> 00:06:59,160
What do you want to do
after this?
173
00:06:59,162 --> 00:07:01,963
[all shouting]
174
00:07:01,965 --> 00:07:04,165
Okay, all right, all right.
Back of the line.
175
00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:08,336
Everybody relax.
176
00:07:08,338 --> 00:07:10,004
Guess my mom being topless
177
00:07:10,006 --> 00:07:12,307
Had more to do with
my line skills than I thought.
178
00:07:12,309 --> 00:07:15,410
Oh, great.
Look at the cronut line.
179
00:07:15,412 --> 00:07:17,412
I told you
we should have left sooner,
180
00:07:17,414 --> 00:07:20,982
But, no, you said
we had to stay at temple.
181
00:07:20,984 --> 00:07:24,152
You're the rabbi.
182
00:07:24,154 --> 00:07:25,620
Yeah, a career
I was forced into
183
00:07:25,622 --> 00:07:27,522
Because someone wanted
to write his memoir.
184
00:07:27,524 --> 00:07:30,725
We get it, garry.
You're adopted.
185
00:07:35,297 --> 00:07:38,099
Move up, hon.
You gotta fill the gap.
186
00:07:38,101 --> 00:07:40,935
I would if you would stop
trying to fill my gap.
187
00:07:40,937 --> 00:07:42,804
What difference does it make?
188
00:07:42,806 --> 00:07:44,939
You're still gonna have
the same amount of time to wait.
189
00:07:44,941 --> 00:07:49,611
And then, in 30 years, we're all
gonna die from wi-fi cancer.
190
00:07:49,613 --> 00:07:51,312
Okay, let's all
just take a breath.
191
00:07:51,314 --> 00:07:53,281
It looks like we're
gonna be here for a while.
192
00:07:53,283 --> 00:07:54,315
You know what?
You're right.
193
00:07:54,317 --> 00:07:55,650
Hi, I'm jerri.
194
00:07:55,652 --> 00:07:56,985
And I'm garry.
195
00:07:56,987 --> 00:07:58,286
I'm jerri,
he's garry.
196
00:07:58,288 --> 00:08:00,121
I'm tall,
he's small.
197
00:08:00,123 --> 00:08:02,190
Cute, right?
That's our thing.
198
00:08:02,192 --> 00:08:03,892
I'm caroline,
and this is max.
199
00:08:03,894 --> 00:08:06,394
That's it.
We don't have a thing.
200
00:08:06,396 --> 00:08:08,363
So what drew you here today?
201
00:08:08,365 --> 00:08:10,064
Oh, well,
we're trend-chasers.
202
00:08:10,066 --> 00:08:12,133
When something new hits,
we are on it
203
00:08:12,135 --> 00:08:14,402
Like sea salt
on dark chocolate.
Hmm.
204
00:08:14,404 --> 00:08:15,970
We did pinkberry,
205
00:08:15,972 --> 00:08:18,206
Dippin' dots,
kale, quinoa,
206
00:08:18,208 --> 00:08:19,407
Kombucha.
207
00:08:19,409 --> 00:08:21,576
All the ka's.
Just 'cause.
208
00:08:21,578 --> 00:08:23,478
[laughter]
209
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,548
Can you tell
we don't have kids?
210
00:08:26,550 --> 00:08:27,549
She couldn't.
211
00:08:27,551 --> 00:08:29,150
Garry!
212
00:08:29,152 --> 00:08:30,585
Actually, it's true,
213
00:08:30,587 --> 00:08:33,121
And you can read
all about it in his memoir.
214
00:08:33,123 --> 00:08:35,423
It's called...
[snores]
215
00:08:35,425 --> 00:08:37,592
You know what?
Jerri, garry.
216
00:08:37,594 --> 00:08:38,927
I think we got
too close too soon.
217
00:08:38,929 --> 00:08:40,328
Maybe we need
a little space.
218
00:08:40,330 --> 00:08:41,663
We got to move up
in line
219
00:08:41,665 --> 00:08:43,498
To get away
from these people.
220
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:47,068
Should I just
take my top off?
221
00:08:47,070 --> 00:08:49,737
Next in line.
[gasps]
it happened!
222
00:08:49,739 --> 00:08:50,738
We made it
to the front of the line!
223
00:08:50,740 --> 00:08:53,007
We're the front people!
224
00:08:53,009 --> 00:08:54,142
Yeah, we're the front people!
225
00:08:54,144 --> 00:08:57,579
Back people suck!
226
00:08:57,581 --> 00:09:01,149
No, no, I said "back people,"
"back people."
227
00:09:01,151 --> 00:09:03,585
Baruch hashem.
228
00:09:03,587 --> 00:09:06,154
We loved the butler.
229
00:09:06,156 --> 00:09:08,656
You know,
we've been through a lot.
230
00:09:08,658 --> 00:09:10,592
Tempers flared,
things were said.
231
00:09:10,594 --> 00:09:13,494
I'm fairly certain
that dutch guy back there died.
232
00:09:13,496 --> 00:09:15,697
But we made it,
and you guys are good people.
233
00:09:15,699 --> 00:09:17,498
The sea salt of the earth.
234
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,434
Who's next?
(all)
we are.
235
00:09:19,436 --> 00:09:21,836
I can only take a party of two.
Are all four of you together?
236
00:09:21,838 --> 00:09:22,937
Nope.
We don't know them.
237
00:09:22,939 --> 00:09:25,673
Guys?
Cut 'em loose, gar.
238
00:09:25,675 --> 00:09:27,442
All sold out.
We're closed.
239
00:09:27,444 --> 00:09:30,044
I know you're driven mad
with the power of being
240
00:09:30,046 --> 00:09:31,913
A doorman at a bakery,
but come on!
241
00:09:31,915 --> 00:09:33,781
Max, you know
what I want
242
00:09:33,783 --> 00:09:35,049
More than anything?
243
00:09:35,051 --> 00:09:36,551
To kill jerri and garry?
244
00:09:36,553 --> 00:09:37,952
'cause I'm totally on board.
245
00:09:37,954 --> 00:09:40,888
No, I want our business
to have a line.
246
00:09:40,890 --> 00:09:42,290
I want to sell out.
247
00:09:42,292 --> 00:09:43,725
I want people
to turn against each other
248
00:09:43,727 --> 00:09:44,892
For our product.
249
00:09:44,894 --> 00:09:47,295
Again, I could
just take my top off.
250
00:09:47,297 --> 00:09:50,298
I know, and thank you.
We have that in our back pocket.
251
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:52,433
But I have an idea
we can try first.
252
00:09:52,435 --> 00:09:55,370
I'm gonna use work words now,
so listen up, skank.
253
00:09:55,372 --> 00:09:56,704
I'm listening.
254
00:09:56,706 --> 00:09:58,139
I read
in the wall street journal
255
00:09:58,141 --> 00:09:59,907
That there's a whole
black market for cronuts
256
00:09:59,909 --> 00:10:02,610
On craigslist.
Craigslist? Oh, no.
257
00:10:02,612 --> 00:10:05,213
I don't want one bad enough
to let some guy lick my armpit
258
00:10:05,215 --> 00:10:06,814
For an hour again.
259
00:10:06,816 --> 00:10:08,149
They're not for us.
260
00:10:08,151 --> 00:10:09,651
We'll sell them
at our window,
261
00:10:09,653 --> 00:10:11,052
Just to attract attention,
262
00:10:11,054 --> 00:10:12,553
And then,
when they sell out,
263
00:10:12,555 --> 00:10:13,888
We'll effortlessly
switch to cupcakes.
264
00:10:13,890 --> 00:10:15,790
Classic bake and switch.
265
00:10:15,792 --> 00:10:20,228
All that work
for some stupid fad?
266
00:10:20,230 --> 00:10:24,399
I said "fad."
267
00:10:24,401 --> 00:10:28,469
We loved
behind the candelabra.
268
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:33,174
Try texting him again.
269
00:10:33,176 --> 00:10:34,509
He's 15 minutes late.
270
00:10:34,511 --> 00:10:35,510
You're really surprised
271
00:10:35,512 --> 00:10:36,944
That a guy
reselling pastries
272
00:10:36,946 --> 00:10:38,746
In the "rants and raves"
section of craigslist
273
00:10:38,748 --> 00:10:39,947
Isn't the punctual type?
274
00:10:39,949 --> 00:10:40,948
[knocking on window]
275
00:10:40,950 --> 00:10:42,884
This is so exciting.
276
00:10:42,886 --> 00:10:45,186
I've never bought anything
on the black market before.
277
00:10:45,188 --> 00:10:47,088
I'm still afraid to go
to that filipino market
278
00:10:47,090 --> 00:10:49,323
Around the corner.
279
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,196
Are you the guy?
280
00:10:55,198 --> 00:10:58,099
I don't know.
Are you the girl?
281
00:10:58,101 --> 00:11:01,703
So far,
this musical sucks.
282
00:11:01,705 --> 00:11:03,304
What's the password?
283
00:11:03,306 --> 00:11:05,106
Cronut.
284
00:11:05,108 --> 00:11:08,009
Was "1234"
already taken?
285
00:11:11,113 --> 00:11:13,147
Meet us by the door.
286
00:11:13,149 --> 00:11:16,384
Which is code for,
"meet us by the door."
287
00:11:16,386 --> 00:11:20,955
Which is code for,
"you're really bad at code."
288
00:11:20,957 --> 00:11:22,390
Okay, let's talk
about our plan.
289
00:11:22,392 --> 00:11:24,392
It's a classic
good cop/bad cop.
290
00:11:24,394 --> 00:11:26,160
I'm gonna ask the guy
for ten cronuts,
291
00:11:26,162 --> 00:11:27,795
And he's gonna quote me 250.
292
00:11:27,797 --> 00:11:30,131
Right, then I play bad cop
and act outraged.
293
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:32,366
And then I play good cop,
and we settle at 200.
294
00:11:32,368 --> 00:11:34,068
Yeah, and don't worry
about me.
295
00:11:34,070 --> 00:11:35,837
I'll improv some good stuff
on the spot.
296
00:11:35,839 --> 00:11:37,572
Are you sure you don't
want to run it by me first?
297
00:11:37,574 --> 00:11:39,474
I was in an improv group
at wharton.
298
00:11:39,476 --> 00:11:41,976
We were called
"the fun percent."
299
00:11:41,978 --> 00:11:44,312
And I can imagine myself
not laughing
300
00:11:44,314 --> 00:11:46,314
With 99% of the audience.
301
00:11:49,718 --> 00:11:51,519
Let's make it quick.
302
00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:55,156
You're not the only girls
in town who want my nuts!
303
00:11:55,158 --> 00:11:57,225
I assume you mean cronuts.
304
00:11:57,227 --> 00:12:00,895
No, I'm also
a male prostitute.
305
00:12:00,897 --> 00:12:02,630
Let's see the product.
306
00:12:10,606 --> 00:12:14,809
She meant
the other baked goods.
307
00:12:14,811 --> 00:12:17,578
You got to be clear.
308
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:23,084
Pretty maids,
all in a row.
309
00:12:23,086 --> 00:12:26,287
Let mama get a taste.
310
00:12:26,289 --> 00:12:28,422
That's pure.
How much for ten?
311
00:12:28,424 --> 00:12:30,858
I know I said 250 earlier,
but...
312
00:12:30,860 --> 00:12:34,028
Bullcrap!
150 or we walk, bitch!
313
00:12:34,030 --> 00:12:36,697
Okay, let's all
just calm down.
314
00:12:36,699 --> 00:12:38,499
It's a really good deal, max.
315
00:12:38,501 --> 00:12:40,501
How about we settle at 200
and call it a night?
316
00:12:40,503 --> 00:12:42,470
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
About that.
317
00:12:42,472 --> 00:12:45,139
I be getting mad offers
for these things tonight.
318
00:12:45,141 --> 00:12:49,610
I actually got to raise it
to 300, or I walk.
319
00:12:49,612 --> 00:12:51,379
Bitch.
320
00:12:51,381 --> 00:12:54,882
Ooh, ow, ow,
ooh, your hands are cold.
321
00:12:54,884 --> 00:12:56,517
What'd you call me?
322
00:12:56,519 --> 00:12:59,086
Nothing.
That's what I thought.
323
00:12:59,088 --> 00:13:01,522
She said 200.
We'll pay 200.
324
00:13:01,524 --> 00:13:03,090
And you'll take it.
325
00:13:03,092 --> 00:13:06,060
You'll shove it in
this hanes her way hoodie
326
00:13:06,062 --> 00:13:09,564
You're wearing, you'll say,
"thank you, max,"
327
00:13:09,566 --> 00:13:11,465
And you'll
hit the bricks, capisce?
328
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:14,602
Caroline, cash.
329
00:13:16,638 --> 00:13:18,105
Thank you, max.
What'd you say?
330
00:13:18,107 --> 00:13:20,541
Thank you, max!
331
00:13:20,543 --> 00:13:23,477
I've got the chills now.
Do you guys serve tea?
332
00:13:26,882 --> 00:13:28,049
How's that for bad cop?
333
00:13:28,051 --> 00:13:29,650
Riveting.
334
00:13:29,652 --> 00:13:32,386
I felt like I was watching
svu: Bakery edition.
335
00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:41,495
Okay, here we go.
This is the last one.
336
00:13:41,497 --> 00:13:43,431
You want this cronut?
337
00:13:43,433 --> 00:13:46,634
Lift up your shirt
and let me see 'em.
338
00:13:47,669 --> 00:13:49,003
Go get han.
339
00:13:49,005 --> 00:13:51,639
I want to show him
what an ab is.
340
00:13:51,641 --> 00:13:53,341
Max, you should
see the line.
341
00:13:53,343 --> 00:13:54,842
It's halfway down the block.
342
00:13:54,844 --> 00:13:56,878
We have a line.
It's working.
343
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,479
But what's gonna happen now?
344
00:13:58,481 --> 00:13:59,680
I worked at target
the christmas
345
00:13:59,682 --> 00:14:00,915
They ran out
of tickle me elmo,
346
00:14:00,917 --> 00:14:04,318
And there was so much blood.
347
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:05,519
As planned,
348
00:14:05,521 --> 00:14:06,754
We'll just calmly switch
349
00:14:06,756 --> 00:14:07,989
To our delicious cupcakes,
350
00:14:07,991 --> 00:14:09,056
And then
those'll sell out too
351
00:14:09,058 --> 00:14:10,191
Because they're that good.
352
00:14:10,193 --> 00:14:11,692
Okay.
353
00:14:11,694 --> 00:14:12,994
Attention, everyone.
354
00:14:12,996 --> 00:14:14,362
Everyone,
can I have your attention?
355
00:14:14,364 --> 00:14:16,163
Actually, we are very sorry,
356
00:14:16,165 --> 00:14:18,499
But we are now sold out
of cronuts.
357
00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:19,934
[all groaning]
358
00:14:19,936 --> 00:14:22,536
We do, however,
have something even better--
359
00:14:22,538 --> 00:14:24,238
Max's homemade cupcakes.
360
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,540
[all yelling]
361
00:14:26,542 --> 00:14:28,109
All right, go!
362
00:14:28,111 --> 00:14:30,678
Leave.
Chase your stupid trends.
363
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,380
But we're not worried!
Cupcakes are classic!
364
00:14:32,382 --> 00:14:33,581
We're audrey hepburn!
365
00:14:33,583 --> 00:14:35,950
Max, cupcakes are over.
366
00:14:35,952 --> 00:14:37,251
And you know why?
367
00:14:37,253 --> 00:14:38,920
Because cupcakes
are just one thing.
368
00:14:38,922 --> 00:14:40,755
If we had two things,
then we'd be something.
369
00:14:40,757 --> 00:14:42,356
That does it.
I'm calling the dealer.
370
00:14:42,358 --> 00:14:44,125
I don't think
we should order more cronuts.
371
00:14:44,127 --> 00:14:47,361
Oh, no, I mean my drug dealer.
I need to take the edge off.
372
00:14:47,363 --> 00:14:49,130
This sucks.
I feel worse about myself
373
00:14:49,132 --> 00:14:51,899
Than I did
when I dropped the torso man.
374
00:14:51,901 --> 00:14:55,036
What are you doing
with those fries?
375
00:14:55,038 --> 00:14:56,771
I'm dipping 'em
in frosting.
376
00:14:56,773 --> 00:14:58,339
I do it when I'm depressed.
377
00:14:58,341 --> 00:15:01,609
I went right from baby food
into fries in frosting.
378
00:15:01,611 --> 00:15:03,511
Is it good?
It looks disgusting.
379
00:15:03,513 --> 00:15:06,514
It is both.
Just taste it.
380
00:15:06,516 --> 00:15:09,450
These are pretty good.
381
00:15:09,452 --> 00:15:13,788
Sweet and salty.
Cupcakes and fries.
382
00:15:13,790 --> 00:15:16,023
That's two things.
383
00:15:16,025 --> 00:15:18,893
Cake fries.
We're millionaires.
384
00:15:18,895 --> 00:15:24,699
My willingness to eat anything
finally pays off!
385
00:15:24,701 --> 00:15:27,001
Wait, are you sure it's not
just us being desperate?
386
00:15:27,003 --> 00:15:29,403
Like, when adam levine made
that music video in brooklyn
387
00:15:29,405 --> 00:15:32,239
And you walked past the set
all day in a wet tank top?
388
00:15:32,241 --> 00:15:34,075
It can't hurt to put them
out there.
389
00:15:34,077 --> 00:15:36,544
That's what you said
that day too.
390
00:15:41,450 --> 00:15:42,917
Just sit down
for a second, han.
391
00:15:42,919 --> 00:15:44,118
But this is the middle
of a shift.
392
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,753
I'm gonna tell everyone
393
00:15:45,755 --> 00:15:46,854
You're in the middle
of a male-to-female shift
394
00:15:46,856 --> 00:15:48,723
If you don't sit down.
395
00:15:48,725 --> 00:15:50,191
All right.
396
00:15:50,193 --> 00:15:52,593
You are here tonight
to taste the next big thing.
397
00:15:52,595 --> 00:15:56,597
Okay, now you're just repeating
my pick-up lines back to me.
398
00:15:56,599 --> 00:15:59,333
No, it's a new dessert,
399
00:15:59,335 --> 00:16:01,202
And we've assembled
the perfect focus group--
400
00:16:01,204 --> 00:16:04,005
A black man, a pig,
and a health fanatic.
401
00:16:04,007 --> 00:16:05,639
Y'all know who you are.
402
00:16:05,641 --> 00:16:09,310
I suppose I have been
trying to eat better lately.
403
00:16:09,312 --> 00:16:12,046
Hey, extra, extra!
Read all about it!
404
00:16:12,048 --> 00:16:15,282
I'm bisexual now!
405
00:16:17,219 --> 00:16:21,789
Oh, perfect, now we have
the lgbtq community represented.
406
00:16:21,791 --> 00:16:24,125
What's the "q"?
Questioning.
407
00:16:24,127 --> 00:16:27,028
And answered.
408
00:16:27,030 --> 00:16:30,064
Hey, everybody.
Meet veronica.
409
00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:32,333
She's cute, she's black,
she has short blonde hair,
410
00:16:32,335 --> 00:16:33,868
She's exciting.
411
00:16:33,870 --> 00:16:36,470
And we met
in soul cycle class.
412
00:16:36,472 --> 00:16:38,139
Yes, we did.
413
00:16:38,141 --> 00:16:41,308
I slipped in her sweat
and she bought me a luna bar.
414
00:16:41,310 --> 00:16:46,213
Now?
Now you're bisexual?
415
00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:50,618
Well, yeah, you got
to keep up with the trends.
416
00:16:52,087 --> 00:16:53,721
Okay, focus group.
417
00:16:53,723 --> 00:16:55,156
Let's focus.
418
00:16:55,158 --> 00:16:57,758
This is our new product,
called cake fries.
419
00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,226
Cute, right?
420
00:16:59,228 --> 00:17:00,661
You just take a fry
from the left side,
421
00:17:00,663 --> 00:17:02,596
Dip it into the cupcake frosting
on the right,
422
00:17:02,598 --> 00:17:05,132
And enjoy your sweet,
yet savory dessert.
423
00:17:05,134 --> 00:17:09,570
Is this woman seriously trying
to teach me how to eat food?
424
00:17:09,572 --> 00:17:11,572
Oh, no, this looks
very fattening,
425
00:17:11,574 --> 00:17:12,940
And I've been on a fast.
426
00:17:12,942 --> 00:17:15,076
One lick isn't going
to kill you.
427
00:17:15,078 --> 00:17:19,080
Yeah, just ask sophie.
428
00:17:19,082 --> 00:17:21,015
Okay, one bite.
429
00:17:21,017 --> 00:17:23,317
Now I don't want any of you
to hold back.
430
00:17:23,319 --> 00:17:25,453
Be completely honest
in your criticism.
431
00:17:25,455 --> 00:17:28,089
Well, I feel like...
Shut up, han.
432
00:17:28,091 --> 00:17:30,758
No, I was gonna say
this is very good.
433
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,828
Too good.
434
00:17:33,830 --> 00:17:35,296
Uh-oh, look away, girls.
435
00:17:35,298 --> 00:17:37,465
You've released the kraken.
436
00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:40,935
Damn.
That is tasty.
437
00:17:40,937 --> 00:17:44,638
Now you may have
given me diabetes,
438
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,274
As I have just lost the feeling
in my left foot.
439
00:17:47,276 --> 00:17:51,812
You know what, I think
I might be trisexual
440
00:17:51,814 --> 00:17:55,116
Because I'm having a love affair
with these cake fries.
441
00:17:55,118 --> 00:17:57,418
Oh, my gosh,
this is gross.
442
00:17:57,420 --> 00:17:59,286
And it's very messy.
443
00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:02,890
Oh, come on,
then what was earlier?
444
00:18:02,892 --> 00:18:05,126
Okay, everyone,
this is all very helpful.
445
00:18:05,128 --> 00:18:06,861
We're still
working some things out.
446
00:18:06,863 --> 00:18:10,698
Uh-oh.
My tummy feels funny.
447
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:14,602
You mean your ab is hurting?
448
00:18:14,604 --> 00:18:17,304
Han, your first food in a week
probably shouldn't have been
449
00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:19,874
A fistful of fries
and frosting.
450
00:18:19,876 --> 00:18:22,309
You know what, guys?
We've all worked hard today.
451
00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:23,878
Let's call it a night.
452
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:25,246
But it's only 9:00.
453
00:18:25,248 --> 00:18:26,547
Pardon me. Excuse me.
454
00:18:26,549 --> 00:18:27,915
Uh-oh.
455
00:18:27,917 --> 00:18:30,050
You don't want to see that.
456
00:18:31,086 --> 00:18:32,953
Move it.
Move it or lose it.
457
00:18:32,955 --> 00:18:35,089
Move it or I lose it.
458
00:18:35,091 --> 00:18:38,392
Beep, beep!
459
00:18:43,098 --> 00:18:46,400
Oh, dear.
460
00:18:46,402 --> 00:18:48,235
This is more embarrassing
than when han fell asleep
461
00:18:48,237 --> 00:18:51,605
And oleg drew a penis
on his face.
462
00:18:51,607 --> 00:18:55,910
I traced that penis
on his face.
463
00:18:59,381 --> 00:19:01,649
Now you dip the fries
in the frosting,
464
00:19:01,651 --> 00:19:03,150
But I find the best way
to eat this
465
00:19:03,152 --> 00:19:05,686
Is to first make sure
you feel super empty inside.
466
00:19:05,688 --> 00:19:08,489
Not gonna be a problem.
467
00:19:08,491 --> 00:19:10,658
These are adorable.
468
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:12,760
Could you please
take a picture of me with it?
469
00:19:12,762 --> 00:19:14,461
It's so cute.
470
00:19:18,667 --> 00:19:20,568
And make sure
you hashtag that picture
471
00:19:20,570 --> 00:19:23,304
"max's homemade cake fries"
when you post it online.
472
00:19:27,075 --> 00:19:29,843
A sad girl smiling
with our cake fries.
473
00:19:29,845 --> 00:19:31,412
Once that hits ivillage,
474
00:19:31,414 --> 00:19:33,847
We'll be knee-deep
in canvas totes and cankles.
475
00:19:33,849 --> 00:19:35,015
[caroline laughing]
476
00:19:35,017 --> 00:19:36,183
Here you go!
477
00:19:36,185 --> 00:19:37,551
Sorry, that was
our last cake fries.
478
00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:38,752
We'll have more tomorrow.
479
00:19:38,754 --> 00:19:40,221
Wait.
We sold out?
480
00:19:40,223 --> 00:19:41,855
We sold out!
481
00:19:41,857 --> 00:19:43,958
Oh, my god!
We sold out!
482
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:47,294
Yes! I'm a sell-out!
Let's buy a helicopter!
483
00:19:47,296 --> 00:19:49,263
Hi, girls.
484
00:19:49,265 --> 00:19:51,131
Oh, hey, sophie.
485
00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:53,033
We're sorry, but we just
ran out of cake fries.
486
00:19:53,035 --> 00:19:56,136
Oh, that's fine by me.
I'm going back to the basics.
487
00:19:56,138 --> 00:19:58,205
Cupcakes and penis.
488
00:20:00,208 --> 00:20:03,944
Here's your cupcake.
We don't sell the other basic.
489
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,747
Mm.
490
00:20:06,749 --> 00:20:08,482
You know,
it's nice to eat something
491
00:20:08,484 --> 00:20:12,019
You don't have to compliment
every five minutes.
492
00:20:16,491 --> 00:20:18,125
You know what, max?
493
00:20:18,127 --> 00:20:20,661
Cupcakes, cronuts,
cake fries, whatever.
494
00:20:20,663 --> 00:20:23,430
We're gonna be successful
because we have the two things
495
00:20:23,432 --> 00:20:26,400
That really matter--
you and me.
496
00:20:26,402 --> 00:20:28,502
We're kinda
like cake fries.
497
00:20:28,504 --> 00:20:30,471
I mean, salty and sweet.
498
00:20:30,473 --> 00:20:33,540
I'm sweet.
And I've been assaulted.