1
00:00:02,779 --> 00:00:05,047
Hi, how can I help you?
And by that, I mean,
2
00:00:05,049 --> 00:00:07,482
What's the least I can do
to help you?
3
00:00:07,484 --> 00:00:10,252
I'll have the burger
with the fries.
4
00:00:10,254 --> 00:00:12,254
She'll have it
with the salad.
5
00:00:14,490 --> 00:00:16,258
But I want the fries.
6
00:00:16,260 --> 00:00:19,127
Well, you want them,
but you don't need them.
7
00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:25,167
Fine, the salad.
I have to pee.
8
00:00:27,036 --> 00:00:29,004
Hi, what's your name?
David.
9
00:00:29,006 --> 00:00:32,007
David, you should go.
10
00:00:32,009 --> 00:00:34,009
I'm sorry?
11
00:00:34,011 --> 00:00:36,111
You want her to have salad,
she wants you to have hair.
12
00:00:36,113 --> 00:00:38,513
Neither one's
gonna happen tonight.
13
00:00:40,116 --> 00:00:41,116
Yeah, it's not
gonna work out
14
00:00:41,118 --> 00:00:42,918
Between you
and french fries.
15
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,087
Oh, maybe it will
for a week or a year.
16
00:00:45,089 --> 00:00:47,456
Depends if she was molested
as a kid.
17
00:00:47,458 --> 00:00:49,724
But one of these days,
she's coming after you.
18
00:00:49,726 --> 00:00:53,562
Probably in the dark,
probably with a knife.
19
00:00:53,564 --> 00:00:56,098
And she's gonna cut off
one or both of your balls.
20
00:00:56,100 --> 00:00:58,200
And you won't think
a side of fries matters
21
00:00:58,202 --> 00:01:00,869
When you have zero balls.
22
00:01:00,871 --> 00:01:03,238
She'll have the fries.
23
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:05,240
Yes, she will.
24
00:01:05,242 --> 00:01:06,575
Look at us.
25
00:01:06,577 --> 00:01:07,742
We saved
another woman's dignity
26
00:01:07,744 --> 00:01:09,311
And another man's balls.
27
00:01:09,313 --> 00:01:12,013
Yeah, we're like dr. Phil
but more qualified.
28
00:01:13,749 --> 00:01:15,884
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
29
00:01:15,886 --> 00:01:17,452
[cash register bell dings]
30
00:01:17,454 --> 00:01:22,724
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
31
00:01:27,263 --> 00:01:29,664
Well, here I am, the owner,
waiting on tables.
32
00:01:29,666 --> 00:01:33,235
Does barack obama unclog
the white house toilets?
33
00:01:33,237 --> 00:01:35,170
What's wrong
with this picture?
34
00:01:35,172 --> 00:01:37,806
Well, off the top
of my head,
35
00:01:37,808 --> 00:01:39,174
I ordered a coffee
ten minutes ago,
36
00:01:39,176 --> 00:01:42,344
And you still
haven't gotten it.
37
00:01:43,913 --> 00:01:45,247
Hey, man,
I'm in the weeds here.
38
00:01:45,249 --> 00:01:48,517
Well, if you got weed,
cancel the coffee.
39
00:01:49,652 --> 00:01:51,786
Uh, ladies,
you're late.
40
00:01:51,788 --> 00:01:54,589
And little man tate over there
is in a mood.
41
00:01:54,591 --> 00:01:57,092
Why, is he teething again?
42
00:01:58,261 --> 00:01:59,961
Uh, hello.
43
00:01:59,963 --> 00:02:02,097
You were supposed to be here
ten minutes ago.
44
00:02:02,099 --> 00:02:04,166
In korea, your heads
would be on sticks
45
00:02:04,168 --> 00:02:05,967
Outside the samsung factory,
46
00:02:05,969 --> 00:02:08,470
And you would still
have to work.
47
00:02:08,472 --> 00:02:10,939
There is no coffee prepped
for your shift.
48
00:02:10,941 --> 00:02:13,141
F.Y.I., tiny dancer,
49
00:02:13,143 --> 00:02:16,278
Prepping coffee is
that lazy-ass day waiter's job,
50
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,113
So don't blame us.
51
00:02:18,115 --> 00:02:21,149
It's not our fault you hired
an incompetent waitstaff.
52
00:02:21,151 --> 00:02:23,385
Hurry up.
You two need to make coffee.
53
00:02:23,387 --> 00:02:25,153
And you need to hire
a new day waiter.
54
00:02:25,155 --> 00:02:27,122
And maybe while you're getting
new things around here,
55
00:02:27,124 --> 00:02:28,957
How about
a brand-new coffeemaker?
56
00:02:28,959 --> 00:02:31,693
One that isn't
from an edward hopper painting.
57
00:02:33,329 --> 00:02:36,164
Am I the only one
who's been to a museum?
58
00:02:36,166 --> 00:02:37,299
Uh, excuse me.
59
00:02:37,301 --> 00:02:38,533
I've been
to the art section
60
00:02:38,535 --> 00:02:40,902
Of bed bath & beyond.
61
00:02:40,904 --> 00:02:43,738
What if I told you I already
got you what you want?
62
00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:45,740
A high-end
cappuccino machine?
63
00:02:45,742 --> 00:02:47,209
Listen, blonde ambition.
64
00:02:47,211 --> 00:02:48,543
I know you only
want me to get one,
65
00:02:48,545 --> 00:02:50,812
So you can use it
at your cupcake window.
66
00:02:50,814 --> 00:02:52,347
How dare you?
67
00:02:52,349 --> 00:02:54,349
Unless you're comfortable
with that.
68
00:02:54,351 --> 00:02:56,351
No, I meant
the new day waiter.
69
00:02:56,353 --> 00:02:57,552
He's in the kitchen.
70
00:02:57,554 --> 00:02:59,154
Go train the new guy.
71
00:02:59,156 --> 00:03:00,889
What happened to the guy
we told you to fire?
72
00:03:00,891 --> 00:03:02,324
We loved him.
73
00:03:02,326 --> 00:03:04,392
Okay, we'll go
train the new guy now.
74
00:03:04,394 --> 00:03:05,827
But about
that coffeemaker,
75
00:03:05,829 --> 00:03:07,395
What if go halfsies
with you?
76
00:03:07,397 --> 00:03:08,697
We can't afford
to go halfsies.
77
00:03:08,699 --> 00:03:10,265
We can't even
go quarter-sies
78
00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:12,667
Or eighth-sies
or whatever's after eighth-sies.
79
00:03:12,669 --> 00:03:14,703
(both)
sixteenth-sies.
80
00:03:14,705 --> 00:03:17,005
Shoot yourselves.
81
00:03:22,178 --> 00:03:26,348
Did he say train
the new guy or new gay?
82
00:03:28,284 --> 00:03:30,418
Hi, you must be
the new day waiter.
83
00:03:30,420 --> 00:03:31,920
Ah, you must be
the late girls
84
00:03:31,922 --> 00:03:34,289
Who are supposed
to train me.
85
00:03:34,291 --> 00:03:36,091
Yes, I'm luis.
86
00:03:36,093 --> 00:03:38,893
Did he say luis
or louise?
87
00:03:38,895 --> 00:03:40,395
I'll be out in a minute.
88
00:03:40,397 --> 00:03:42,464
I have to let this cream dry
on my face.
89
00:03:42,466 --> 00:03:44,432
Oh, I always wait
for the cream to dry.
90
00:03:44,434 --> 00:03:46,234
It's the polite thing to do.
91
00:03:46,236 --> 00:03:47,869
I'm max.
92
00:03:47,871 --> 00:03:50,205
Oh, max is funny.
93
00:03:50,207 --> 00:03:51,706
(luis)
look at her.
94
00:03:51,708 --> 00:03:55,377
Oh, funny to mask the pain.
95
00:03:55,379 --> 00:03:56,978
I see you.
96
00:03:58,214 --> 00:04:00,048
Oh, and you're both pretty.
97
00:04:00,050 --> 00:04:02,217
Look at blondie.
98
00:04:02,219 --> 00:04:04,252
What have you had done?
99
00:04:04,254 --> 00:04:05,820
Oh, me?
100
00:04:05,822 --> 00:04:08,390
Nothing, but thank you.
101
00:04:08,392 --> 00:04:09,791
I'm caroline.
102
00:04:09,793 --> 00:04:12,560
Well, nice to meet you,
but we won't be friends.
103
00:04:12,562 --> 00:04:13,962
I don't get attached.
104
00:04:13,964 --> 00:04:15,263
All my life,
I've been a waiter,
105
00:04:15,265 --> 00:04:16,831
27 years.
106
00:04:16,833 --> 00:04:18,566
I've been a waiter
27 years too,
107
00:04:18,568 --> 00:04:20,902
And I'm only 26.
108
00:04:20,904 --> 00:04:22,437
And I don't get personal,
109
00:04:22,439 --> 00:04:26,174
So don't ask me
how old I am.
110
00:04:26,176 --> 00:04:29,611
I am 53.
111
00:04:29,613 --> 00:04:31,346
But my face is 5.
112
00:04:31,348 --> 00:04:32,981
You look amazing.
113
00:04:32,983 --> 00:04:34,282
I've only been waiting tables
two years.
114
00:04:34,284 --> 00:04:35,917
My main focus
is our cupcake business.
115
00:04:35,919 --> 00:04:37,419
We just opened
a walk-up window--
116
00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:39,921
Honey, honey, I don't need
to know your life.
117
00:04:39,923 --> 00:04:41,623
You don't need
to know mine.
118
00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:43,291
Did my father put a gun
in his mouth
119
00:04:43,293 --> 00:04:44,826
At my seventh
birthday party?
120
00:04:44,828 --> 00:04:47,362
Yes, but I don't
bring that to work.
121
00:04:47,364 --> 00:04:50,365
And I'm in love
with you.
122
00:04:50,367 --> 00:04:52,133
Don't do that.
123
00:04:52,135 --> 00:04:54,102
Don't fall in love
with me.
124
00:04:54,104 --> 00:04:56,705
You know those gays
that don't like women?
125
00:04:56,707 --> 00:04:58,873
I'm one of them.
126
00:04:58,875 --> 00:05:02,677
[sex and the city theme
ringtone]
127
00:05:02,679 --> 00:05:05,013
Is that the theme song
from sex and the city?
128
00:05:05,015 --> 00:05:07,682
You know it is.
129
00:05:07,684 --> 00:05:09,784
I'm a charlotte.
[laughs]
130
00:05:09,786 --> 00:05:11,619
So am I!
131
00:05:11,621 --> 00:05:13,355
There's not a lot of us.
132
00:05:13,357 --> 00:05:16,691
I'm all the dead girls
from american horror story.
133
00:05:19,295 --> 00:05:21,229
Well, let's get this train
on the tracks.
134
00:05:21,231 --> 00:05:23,531
Follow me, charlotte.
135
00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:26,234
I'm not giving up
on our cappuccino machine.
136
00:05:26,236 --> 00:05:28,536
I'm gonna work han hard
until he gives it to me.
137
00:05:28,538 --> 00:05:30,839
Yes, I just heard
how that sounded.
138
00:05:30,841 --> 00:05:33,141
Okay, luis, here's
how the tables work.
139
00:05:33,143 --> 00:05:34,976
We got the four-tops.
We got the two-tops.
140
00:05:34,978 --> 00:05:36,711
Are you a top?
Oh, please.
141
00:05:36,713 --> 00:05:40,582
No one is pushing
this $25,000 face into a pillow.
142
00:05:42,151 --> 00:05:45,253
I'm ready to order.
143
00:05:45,255 --> 00:05:47,422
Luis, why don't you
take that table?
144
00:05:47,424 --> 00:05:50,358
It's part of your training,
and I don't want to.
145
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,360
Earl,
that's the new day waiter.
146
00:05:52,362 --> 00:05:54,729
He's also
the new gay waiter.
147
00:05:54,731 --> 00:05:56,664
Oh, I love the gays.
148
00:05:56,666 --> 00:05:58,767
They turned an old crack house
in my neighborhood
149
00:05:58,769 --> 00:06:01,870
Into a cheese shop.
150
00:06:01,872 --> 00:06:05,373
I heard that cheese shop
has really good crack.
151
00:06:05,375 --> 00:06:07,342
What's the soup
of the day?
152
00:06:07,344 --> 00:06:10,445
What does it say
on the board?
153
00:06:10,447 --> 00:06:13,081
And you're trained.
154
00:06:13,083 --> 00:06:14,416
Max, han said no,
155
00:06:14,418 --> 00:06:16,718
And we need that
cappuccino maker for our shop
156
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,186
If we're ever gonna compete
with the starbucks
157
00:06:18,188 --> 00:06:20,522
Around the corner
or the other corner
158
00:06:20,524 --> 00:06:22,557
Or the other corner.
159
00:06:22,559 --> 00:06:25,560
Or the one that's currently
being built in my ass.
160
00:06:25,562 --> 00:06:28,430
What?
It's prime real estate.
161
00:06:28,432 --> 00:06:32,367
Everything else
in williamsburg is taken.
162
00:06:32,369 --> 00:06:33,868
Caroline, you need
a cappuccino machine?
163
00:06:33,870 --> 00:06:35,904
I can get you one cheap.
I know a guy.
164
00:06:35,906 --> 00:06:37,372
And if you need
clean urine
165
00:06:37,374 --> 00:06:40,975
Or a micro pig,
I also know that guy.
166
00:06:40,977 --> 00:06:44,212
Oh, my god.
Who was that?
167
00:06:47,116 --> 00:06:48,550
Oh, that's--
that's oleg.
168
00:06:48,552 --> 00:06:49,884
He's the cook.
169
00:06:49,886 --> 00:06:52,720
He is gorgeous.
170
00:06:55,991 --> 00:06:57,325
I'm so excited.
171
00:06:57,327 --> 00:06:58,927
Our new machine
will be here any minute.
172
00:06:58,929 --> 00:07:01,763
Our lives are about to get
a lot more cappuccino-y.
173
00:07:01,765 --> 00:07:05,300
Or should I say a latte
more cappuccino-y?
174
00:07:05,302 --> 00:07:07,469
No, you should not
say any of that.
175
00:07:07,471 --> 00:07:09,604
And as for that
"special price,"
176
00:07:09,606 --> 00:07:10,638
Oleg said he'd give us?
177
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,307
In all my three-ways,
178
00:07:12,309 --> 00:07:14,476
I'm up to bat first,
and I don't kiss.
179
00:07:14,478 --> 00:07:16,110
Ugh.
180
00:07:16,112 --> 00:07:18,613
During the day,
it is hot in herrr.
181
00:07:18,615 --> 00:07:22,817
Thanks for
the weather report, ursher.
182
00:07:22,819 --> 00:07:24,419
[police siren blaring]
183
00:07:24,421 --> 00:07:25,420
Here it is.
184
00:07:25,422 --> 00:07:28,423
Shut the windows
and shut up.
185
00:07:28,425 --> 00:07:31,292
Well, this is starting
exactly like I imagined.
186
00:07:31,294 --> 00:07:32,494
Shut it!
187
00:07:32,496 --> 00:07:33,928
Oleg, where did you
get this?
188
00:07:33,930 --> 00:07:35,830
Shut up!
189
00:07:35,832 --> 00:07:37,632
Are those sirens?
190
00:07:37,634 --> 00:07:39,200
Shut up!
191
00:07:39,202 --> 00:07:40,635
Does it come
with instructions?
192
00:07:40,637 --> 00:07:43,471
The instructions
are to shut up.
193
00:07:43,473 --> 00:07:45,440
We don't want it
if it's stolen.
194
00:07:45,442 --> 00:07:47,809
I still feel guilty
about shaking down that redbox
195
00:07:47,811 --> 00:07:50,512
For I don't know
how she does it.
196
00:07:50,514 --> 00:07:51,846
I did not steal it.
197
00:07:51,848 --> 00:07:53,615
I knowingly bought it
from a man who stole it,
198
00:07:53,617 --> 00:07:55,483
And I'm selling it
at a profit.
199
00:07:55,485 --> 00:07:57,685
It's the armenian way.
200
00:07:57,687 --> 00:07:59,521
You're not armenian.
201
00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:02,557
I know, I'm just saying,
it's the armenian way.
202
00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:06,194
It retails for $600,
203
00:08:06,196 --> 00:08:07,662
But I'll give it to you
for free
204
00:08:07,664 --> 00:08:08,696
If you do me a favor.
205
00:08:08,698 --> 00:08:10,131
Free?
206
00:08:10,133 --> 00:08:11,499
Okay, I guess max
can do you
207
00:08:11,501 --> 00:08:14,135
In that closet over there.
208
00:08:14,137 --> 00:08:15,537
What?
209
00:08:15,539 --> 00:08:17,639
Now that I see it,
I have to have it.
210
00:08:17,641 --> 00:08:21,576
All right, I've been
saving this pill for something.
211
00:08:21,578 --> 00:08:22,977
Talk to sophie.
212
00:08:22,979 --> 00:08:24,579
See if she wants
to get back together.
213
00:08:24,581 --> 00:08:26,714
But don't tell her
I'm interested.
214
00:08:26,716 --> 00:08:28,716
Do it discreetly.
Deal.
215
00:08:28,718 --> 00:08:32,153
And, oleg, I'm touched
and a little surprised.
216
00:08:32,155 --> 00:08:35,690
I didn't know you knew
the word "discreetly."
217
00:08:35,692 --> 00:08:37,525
Oh, yeah. I have
a word-a-day calendar
218
00:08:37,527 --> 00:08:40,028
Near my bed,
next to my big pump jar
219
00:08:40,030 --> 00:08:42,497
Of pineapple lube.
220
00:08:45,534 --> 00:08:48,603
For when you're horny
and hungry.
221
00:08:51,173 --> 00:08:52,540
Max, why'd you take it?
222
00:08:52,542 --> 00:08:53,775
You don't have
to have sex with him.
223
00:08:53,777 --> 00:08:56,344
I know, I'm celebrating.
224
00:09:02,451 --> 00:09:04,252
Hey, I can't find
any of the instructions on here
225
00:09:04,254 --> 00:09:06,120
For our coffeemaker.
226
00:09:06,122 --> 00:09:07,689
In fairness,
I haven't been looking.
227
00:09:07,691 --> 00:09:09,057
I got sidetracked
by this buzzfeed list
228
00:09:09,059 --> 00:09:10,558
Of misspelled tattoos.
229
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:14,195
This girl got "you go grill"
on her neck.
230
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:19,334
She must really like
to cook outside.
231
00:09:20,536 --> 00:09:22,270
Did you put yourself
in a time-out?
232
00:09:22,272 --> 00:09:23,771
No, I'm looking for sophie.
233
00:09:23,773 --> 00:09:25,073
She's not upstairs.
234
00:09:25,075 --> 00:09:26,741
Look, this is
a long way to go
235
00:09:26,743 --> 00:09:27,976
To get something for free.
236
00:09:27,978 --> 00:09:29,711
I was happy
to walk into sears
237
00:09:29,713 --> 00:09:32,146
And stuff a cappuccino machine
down my pants.
238
00:09:32,148 --> 00:09:34,716
I'm not doing it
for the free cappuccino machine.
239
00:09:34,718 --> 00:09:36,918
I'm doing it
for the money we'll make
240
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,587
From the free
cappuccino machine
241
00:09:39,589 --> 00:09:42,156
And maybe to help oleg
and sophie get back together.
242
00:09:42,158 --> 00:09:43,625
You know, it's a page
out of shakespeare,
243
00:09:43,627 --> 00:09:44,759
And I'm puck.
244
00:09:44,761 --> 00:09:47,395
Puck from the real world?
245
00:09:48,597 --> 00:09:50,632
Am I the only one
who's read a book?
246
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,001
[thud]
[gasps]
247
00:09:53,003 --> 00:09:54,435
Oh, here she is.
I'll do the talking.
248
00:09:54,437 --> 00:09:55,737
It's kind of
in my wheelhouse.
249
00:09:55,739 --> 00:09:57,105
You have a wheelhouse,
250
00:09:57,107 --> 00:09:58,773
And we're living
in this dump?
251
00:09:58,775 --> 00:10:01,609
Morning, sophie.
252
00:10:01,611 --> 00:10:03,778
You caught me.
253
00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:05,246
I'm doing the walk of shame.
254
00:10:05,248 --> 00:10:06,781
You know what that means,
right?
255
00:10:06,783 --> 00:10:10,818
I was having sex all night
with a stranger.
256
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:12,620
I had sex with a guy
all night once.
257
00:10:12,622 --> 00:10:16,024
At least that's what he said.
I fell asleep at 10:00.
258
00:10:16,026 --> 00:10:17,592
Sophie, come in.
259
00:10:17,594 --> 00:10:18,960
We wanted to ask you
something kind of important.
260
00:10:18,962 --> 00:10:20,595
Oh, okay.
261
00:10:20,597 --> 00:10:22,630
Well, I'll tell you.
262
00:10:22,632 --> 00:10:24,165
I don't think
you're gonna make it
263
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:26,701
In the cupcake business.
264
00:10:26,703 --> 00:10:29,003
Not what the psychic
in the subway told me,
265
00:10:29,005 --> 00:10:31,139
But duly noted.
266
00:10:31,141 --> 00:10:33,641
Actually, it's more
of a personal question.
267
00:10:33,643 --> 00:10:36,144
Oh, okay.
Well, I personally
268
00:10:36,146 --> 00:10:37,545
Don't think
you're gonna make it
269
00:10:37,547 --> 00:10:39,047
In the cupcake business.
270
00:10:39,049 --> 00:10:40,948
No, the question
is about oleg.
271
00:10:40,950 --> 00:10:43,151
Oh, yeah,
he agrees with me.
272
00:10:43,153 --> 00:10:45,453
God's sakes, just tell her
before she tells us
273
00:10:45,455 --> 00:10:47,155
We're gonna wind up
in some disgusting apartment,
274
00:10:47,157 --> 00:10:49,290
Hiding from our pimp.
275
00:10:49,292 --> 00:10:51,359
Okay, okay, sophie.
276
00:10:51,361 --> 00:10:52,460
Do you ever think about
277
00:10:52,462 --> 00:10:53,961
Getting back together
with oleg?
278
00:10:53,963 --> 00:10:56,030
Oh, god, no.
279
00:10:56,032 --> 00:10:58,166
I'd rather accidently
have sex again
280
00:10:58,168 --> 00:11:00,668
With my cousin.
281
00:11:00,670 --> 00:11:03,738
I hate when that happens.
282
00:11:05,340 --> 00:11:06,741
Why, did--
283
00:11:06,743 --> 00:11:08,342
Did he ask about me?
284
00:11:08,344 --> 00:11:09,977
Oh, no, no.
I was just wondering.
285
00:11:09,979 --> 00:11:11,579
He never even mentions you.
286
00:11:11,581 --> 00:11:13,181
Oh, good.
287
00:11:13,183 --> 00:11:16,150
'cause I moved on, baby.
288
00:11:16,152 --> 00:11:18,753
Oh, no. No, I--
289
00:11:18,755 --> 00:11:23,357
I left my spanx
on that staten island stoop.
290
00:11:23,359 --> 00:11:24,659
And they're the good ones,
you know,
291
00:11:24,661 --> 00:11:26,060
With the pee hole in them.
292
00:11:26,062 --> 00:11:27,729
I gotta go grab 'em.
293
00:11:27,731 --> 00:11:29,764
All right. Bye-bye.
294
00:11:36,405 --> 00:11:38,506
Okay, good.
Now we've got the power on,
295
00:11:38,508 --> 00:11:40,208
But how do we
steam the milk?
296
00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:41,876
Maybe it's
on this touchpad thing.
297
00:11:41,878 --> 00:11:44,846
[spraying]
holy mother of god!
298
00:11:44,848 --> 00:11:48,015
I just steamed my vagina.
299
00:11:48,017 --> 00:11:50,384
Caroline, your shift
300
00:11:50,386 --> 00:11:52,587
Started three minutes ago.
Who cares about sidework?
301
00:11:52,589 --> 00:11:55,356
I probably
can't have children.
302
00:11:55,358 --> 00:11:57,792
What is wrong with her?
303
00:11:57,794 --> 00:12:01,295
She just had her carpet
steam-cleaned.
304
00:12:04,733 --> 00:12:07,101
You two still haven't
figured out this machine?
305
00:12:07,103 --> 00:12:08,770
Move away.
I'm asian and a man.
306
00:12:08,772 --> 00:12:10,271
I'm good
with this kind of stuff.
307
00:12:10,273 --> 00:12:11,773
Well, han, actually,
it's pretty dangerous.
308
00:12:11,775 --> 00:12:14,709
Hey, han's a man,
according to recent lore.
309
00:12:14,711 --> 00:12:16,711
Let him save the day.
310
00:12:16,713 --> 00:12:18,913
Okay, let's see.
Here's the steam one.
311
00:12:18,915 --> 00:12:22,650
And here's the button for--
ow!
312
00:12:22,652 --> 00:12:24,051
My neck!
313
00:12:24,053 --> 00:12:25,720
It burned my neck!
314
00:12:25,722 --> 00:12:28,623
And that was
my best feature.
315
00:12:28,625 --> 00:12:30,124
Luckily you're not taller.
316
00:12:30,126 --> 00:12:32,560
You would've
burned your vagina.
317
00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:35,997
That cappuccino machine
might have just
318
00:12:35,999 --> 00:12:38,933
Given me
a grande hysterectomy.
319
00:12:38,935 --> 00:12:41,769
Caroline, I know
this might not be a good time.
320
00:12:41,771 --> 00:12:46,340
I heard
about your recent clambake.
321
00:12:50,479 --> 00:12:52,313
But what did sophie say?
322
00:12:52,315 --> 00:12:54,682
I'm sorry, oleg.
Sophie's moved on.
323
00:12:54,684 --> 00:12:55,850
She's seeing other men.
324
00:12:55,852 --> 00:12:57,652
Yeah, but not
in your neighborhood.
325
00:12:57,654 --> 00:12:58,953
She's classy.
326
00:12:58,955 --> 00:13:00,254
She had the decency
to do it on a stoop
327
00:13:00,256 --> 00:13:01,789
In staten island.
328
00:13:01,791 --> 00:13:05,159
She went to the island
without me?
329
00:13:05,161 --> 00:13:09,430
We were going to travel
the world together.
330
00:13:10,766 --> 00:13:11,766
Oleg--
331
00:13:11,768 --> 00:13:12,934
Oleg, are you crying?
332
00:13:12,936 --> 00:13:17,805
No, I have
a booger situation.
333
00:13:17,807 --> 00:13:22,043
Says the man
who cooks the food.
334
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:25,813
Hey, what's this area
back there?
335
00:13:25,815 --> 00:13:27,949
Uh, it's our closet, why?
336
00:13:27,951 --> 00:13:29,217
I should check it out.
337
00:13:29,219 --> 00:13:30,818
I'm always
looking for places
338
00:13:30,820 --> 00:13:33,187
To have sex with women
who are not sophie.
339
00:13:33,189 --> 00:13:35,790
[crying]
340
00:13:35,792 --> 00:13:37,558
Is oleg in here?
341
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,794
I thought I smelled him.
342
00:13:39,796 --> 00:13:44,098
That delicious mix
of man and butter.
343
00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:47,034
Oleg's in the closet.
344
00:13:47,036 --> 00:13:50,304
Oh, honey,
I could've told you that.
345
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:54,475
Really, luis,
oleg is straight.
346
00:13:54,477 --> 00:13:55,877
Wait till you
see what happens
347
00:13:55,879 --> 00:13:58,813
When I place an order
for a bone-in rib eye.
348
00:13:58,815 --> 00:14:01,249
It's true.
He shows us his penis every--
349
00:14:01,251 --> 00:14:05,686
Ah-ah-ah-ah, boundaries,
girls, boundaries.
350
00:14:05,688 --> 00:14:09,056
So is it a nice one?
351
00:14:10,359 --> 00:14:12,426
Well, it did open a door
for me once.
352
00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:16,898
Hey, luis,
maybe you can help us.
353
00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:18,699
Since you're a lifer, you have
to know how to work this thing.
354
00:14:18,701 --> 00:14:20,167
No, no, no, no, no, no,
I work for a diner.
355
00:14:20,169 --> 00:14:21,502
I don't work for you.
356
00:14:21,504 --> 00:14:22,937
Don't bring me
into your drama.
357
00:14:22,939 --> 00:14:25,740
[sex and the city theme
ringtone]
358
00:14:25,742 --> 00:14:27,074
Oh, I have to get this.
359
00:14:27,076 --> 00:14:28,509
It's my mother.
She's on death watch.
360
00:14:28,511 --> 00:14:29,944
But we used to have
the same machine
361
00:14:29,946 --> 00:14:31,345
When I worked at starbucks.
362
00:14:31,347 --> 00:14:33,581
Mami, como esta
su lou gehrig's?
363
00:14:35,884 --> 00:14:37,852
No, I am not
working at starbucks.
364
00:14:37,854 --> 00:14:41,055
That's not what
I was gonna say.
365
00:14:41,057 --> 00:14:42,790
Just for two hours.
366
00:14:42,792 --> 00:14:45,059
We can quit after we learn
how to work this damn machine.
367
00:14:45,061 --> 00:14:46,627
Hey, I am not a quitter.
368
00:14:46,629 --> 00:14:49,030
I get fired.
That's my wheelhouse.
369
00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:56,037
I can't believe
we got hired so quickly.
370
00:14:56,039 --> 00:14:59,073
And I can't believe
I'm a medium apron.
371
00:14:59,075 --> 00:15:00,908
And I can't believe
I'm working
372
00:15:00,910 --> 00:15:02,276
For a corporate coffee place.
373
00:15:02,278 --> 00:15:03,878
This might be the lowest point
of my life,
374
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,047
And my mom once lost me
in a craps game
375
00:15:06,049 --> 00:15:08,115
Behind a casino.
376
00:15:09,818 --> 00:15:11,452
Hi, we're here
to be trained.
377
00:15:11,454 --> 00:15:13,921
I know.
That's unfortunate.
378
00:15:13,923 --> 00:15:15,122
My name's devon.
379
00:15:15,124 --> 00:15:17,425
Well, that's unfortunate.
380
00:15:17,427 --> 00:15:19,060
Let's get this over with.
381
00:15:19,062 --> 00:15:21,128
I have a lot of other places
I need to be.
382
00:15:21,130 --> 00:15:22,997
Like your mom's basement?
383
00:15:22,999 --> 00:15:25,333
Hey, you don't have
to give me attitude.
384
00:15:25,335 --> 00:15:27,101
I don't have to,
but it's my pleasure.
385
00:15:27,103 --> 00:15:28,836
Sorry, devon.
It's just that
386
00:15:28,838 --> 00:15:31,672
It's hard for her,
'cause your name is devon.
387
00:15:31,674 --> 00:15:33,841
So what are you girls?
Writers?
388
00:15:33,843 --> 00:15:37,078
Folk duo?
Just bitches?
389
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,680
Nailed it, loser.
390
00:15:39,682 --> 00:15:41,349
Max, pace yourself.
We need this job
391
00:15:41,351 --> 00:15:42,850
For another hour
and 50 minutes.
392
00:15:42,852 --> 00:15:44,452
Okay, but for real,
how long do you
393
00:15:44,454 --> 00:15:46,287
Gotta work here before
the health insurance kicks in?
394
00:15:46,289 --> 00:15:48,122
And is there dental?
395
00:15:48,124 --> 00:15:49,957
'cause I got a dead tooth
doing nothing for me.
396
00:15:49,959 --> 00:15:52,360
The insurance kicks in
after 30 days.
397
00:15:52,362 --> 00:15:54,462
But it's a ppo,
not an hmo.
398
00:15:54,464 --> 00:15:56,130
Oh, we just got an hmo
at our other job.
399
00:15:56,132 --> 00:15:57,999
He's a charlotte.
400
00:15:58,001 --> 00:15:59,967
Okay, here we go.
401
00:15:59,969 --> 00:16:02,670
Look, this is the machine
we use for everything.
402
00:16:02,672 --> 00:16:04,805
It's incredibly easy to work
unless you're stupid,
403
00:16:04,807 --> 00:16:06,273
In which case, tell me now.
404
00:16:06,275 --> 00:16:07,975
Devon, we're not
your mean stepdad.
405
00:16:07,977 --> 00:16:10,778
Just show us
how to use the machine.
406
00:16:10,780 --> 00:16:12,380
Listen up.
407
00:16:12,382 --> 00:16:14,448
Unlatch the portafilter
from the group head.
408
00:16:14,450 --> 00:16:16,117
Press here
for an ounce of grounds.
409
00:16:16,119 --> 00:16:18,185
Tamp it in, pack it down,
turn it on.
410
00:16:18,187 --> 00:16:19,687
I didn't get that,
did you?
411
00:16:19,689 --> 00:16:22,790
Honestly, all I heard
was group head.
412
00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:24,291
So you tamp, pack,
turn the knob,
413
00:16:24,293 --> 00:16:26,660
Wait 3, blast for 30,
then you pour the shot.
414
00:16:26,662 --> 00:16:28,396
Place the steam wand
halfway in the pitcher
415
00:16:28,398 --> 00:16:31,298
At a 45-degree angle
until the milk is 103 degrees.
416
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:35,136
So what you're saying is
it's easier to make meth?
417
00:16:35,138 --> 00:16:38,139
Syrups, powders,
whipped cream is right here.
418
00:16:38,141 --> 00:16:39,240
You ever work
with one of these?
419
00:16:39,242 --> 00:16:41,042
I think I can handle it.
I went to wharton.
420
00:16:41,044 --> 00:16:43,177
Well, I went to harvard.
And I went to juvie.
421
00:16:43,179 --> 00:16:46,080
And we're all here
wearing an apron.
422
00:16:48,250 --> 00:16:50,885
A grande double cap,
non-fat.
423
00:16:50,887 --> 00:16:52,586
Grande double cap,
non-fat.
424
00:16:52,588 --> 00:16:55,056
Meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow.
425
00:16:55,058 --> 00:16:57,058
A venti triple cap,
no whip.
426
00:16:57,060 --> 00:16:58,759
Venti triple cap,
no whip.
427
00:16:58,761 --> 00:17:01,195
Meow, meow, shmeow, meow.
428
00:17:01,197 --> 00:17:02,997
Grande double soy latte.
429
00:17:02,999 --> 00:17:05,332
Grande double soy latte.
Got it, max?
430
00:17:05,334 --> 00:17:07,568
Nope.
431
00:17:07,570 --> 00:17:09,270
Where's those drinks, max?
432
00:17:09,272 --> 00:17:11,972
Working on it,
getting close.
433
00:17:13,208 --> 00:17:16,777
And I finished
all over myself.
434
00:17:16,779 --> 00:17:18,712
That's so me.
435
00:17:18,714 --> 00:17:20,281
Come on, max,
it can't be that hard.
436
00:17:20,283 --> 00:17:21,849
You two, switch.
437
00:17:21,851 --> 00:17:23,184
I gotta put out
more napkins.
438
00:17:23,186 --> 00:17:25,186
That women's breakup
support group is here,
439
00:17:25,188 --> 00:17:27,054
And they tap us out.
440
00:17:27,056 --> 00:17:28,122
Think they're crying now?
441
00:17:28,124 --> 00:17:30,658
Just wait till we
run out of cake pops.
442
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,295
I'll have a tall cap,
triple-shot half caf.
443
00:17:34,297 --> 00:17:37,364
Small scrap nipple slap
half half.
444
00:17:40,202 --> 00:17:41,802
That's not what I said.
445
00:17:41,804 --> 00:17:43,604
Tall cap triple-shot
half caf?
446
00:17:43,606 --> 00:17:44,972
Girl, you're good at this.
447
00:17:44,974 --> 00:17:46,974
You should
work at starbucks.
448
00:17:46,976 --> 00:17:48,976
I am good. I think
I'm getting the hang of this.
449
00:17:48,978 --> 00:17:50,611
Now I just have to--
450
00:17:50,613 --> 00:17:52,780
Holy mother of--
ouch!
451
00:17:52,782 --> 00:17:54,415
This thing
hates women so much,
452
00:17:54,417 --> 00:17:56,484
We should call it texas.
453
00:18:01,089 --> 00:18:03,491
Or ohio.
454
00:18:03,493 --> 00:18:06,160
Or, to be honest,
most of america.
455
00:18:06,162 --> 00:18:09,263
I'll have a tall drip,
extra hot.
456
00:18:09,265 --> 00:18:10,464
Uh, what's your name?
457
00:18:10,466 --> 00:18:12,333
Gregg, with three "g"s.
458
00:18:12,335 --> 00:18:15,402
Yeah, you're gonna be
this picture of a penis.
459
00:18:19,908 --> 00:18:21,275
That's rude.
460
00:18:21,277 --> 00:18:25,279
Now it has a hat on it.
461
00:18:25,281 --> 00:18:27,515
It's saying, "good day."
462
00:18:27,517 --> 00:18:29,250
Do you want me to talk
to your manager?
463
00:18:29,252 --> 00:18:32,353
Yeah, in about 20 minutes,
after she learns this machine.
464
00:18:34,356 --> 00:18:36,290
Hi.
465
00:18:36,292 --> 00:18:39,326
I'll take a non-fat
venti drip for vera
466
00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:42,530
And a tall latte for fran
467
00:18:42,532 --> 00:18:46,333
And a gingerbread latte
with 11 splendas.
468
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:49,303
Can you two explain
what this is?
469
00:18:49,305 --> 00:18:50,604
I'd say it's pretty obvious.
470
00:18:50,606 --> 00:18:53,107
That's a penis
wearing a hat.
471
00:18:53,109 --> 00:18:54,875
Why?
472
00:18:54,877 --> 00:18:59,213
Because it's bald
and a little insecure.
473
00:18:59,215 --> 00:19:02,483
Dudes, you're, like, fired.
Come on, devon.
474
00:19:02,485 --> 00:19:04,618
We just need 20 more minutes
to learn that machine.
475
00:19:04,620 --> 00:19:06,353
Please?
No.
476
00:19:06,355 --> 00:19:08,455
Return your aprons
and caps.
477
00:19:08,457 --> 00:19:09,857
And do not even think
478
00:19:09,859 --> 00:19:12,059
About putting sandwiches
in your pockets.
479
00:19:12,061 --> 00:19:13,994
What?
480
00:19:13,996 --> 00:19:16,363
A girl can't
get a morning bun?
481
00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:18,465
No and no.
482
00:19:18,467 --> 00:19:21,535
And take this "crappuccino"
you made with you.
483
00:19:24,406 --> 00:19:27,208
Oh, yeah,
that is not quite right.
484
00:19:27,210 --> 00:19:30,411
And it hit my dead tooth.
485
00:19:35,150 --> 00:19:37,718
How you doing
with that milk?
Great.
486
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,521
Mine's more whipped
than nick cannon.
487
00:19:40,523 --> 00:19:42,056
Hola, chicas.
488
00:19:42,058 --> 00:19:43,424
How's it going
with your new machine?
489
00:19:43,426 --> 00:19:46,327
Not that I care
or am invested at all.
490
00:19:46,329 --> 00:19:47,828
Oh, I think mine's coming.
491
00:19:47,830 --> 00:19:49,863
I think mine's coming.
492
00:19:49,865 --> 00:19:52,233
You don't even know
if you're coming or not?
493
00:19:52,235 --> 00:19:54,201
[chuckles]
that's so you.
494
00:19:54,203 --> 00:19:56,203
Have you seen oleg?
495
00:19:56,205 --> 00:19:58,505
No, not since he came out
of the closet.
496
00:19:58,507 --> 00:20:00,074
Why are you
looking for him?
497
00:20:00,076 --> 00:20:02,343
How is this your business?
498
00:20:02,345 --> 00:20:04,745
Because you said,
"have you seen oleg?"
499
00:20:04,747 --> 00:20:06,513
You got me.
500
00:20:06,515 --> 00:20:08,249
Look at you.
501
00:20:08,251 --> 00:20:11,185
So much spice,
so much pain.
502
00:20:11,187 --> 00:20:12,720
You got me.
503
00:20:12,722 --> 00:20:14,355
Hey, everybody.
504
00:20:14,357 --> 00:20:18,292
Hola, oleg,
and oleg's sister?
505
00:20:18,294 --> 00:20:20,194
This is sasha.
506
00:20:20,196 --> 00:20:23,397
We met last night
and a few times this morning.
507
00:20:23,399 --> 00:20:24,298
But do me a favor.
508
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:25,466
Don't tell sophie
about this?
509
00:20:25,468 --> 00:20:26,900
No, do tell her.
510
00:20:26,902 --> 00:20:28,302
I've moved on.
511
00:20:28,304 --> 00:20:30,537
I filled
that hole she left.
512
00:20:30,539 --> 00:20:32,740
Come on, let's get you
back to your uncle's house
513
00:20:32,742 --> 00:20:35,909
Before he wakes up.
514
00:20:35,911 --> 00:20:37,778
Oh, it happens
to a lot of gays.
515
00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:39,446
They come out,
they freak out,
516
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:41,315
They go back in.
517
00:20:41,317 --> 00:20:43,450
But I see him.
518
00:20:43,452 --> 00:20:45,386
And I'll be here
until he sees me.
519
00:20:45,388 --> 00:20:47,721
[sex and the city theme
ringtone]
520
00:20:47,723 --> 00:20:49,556
Hola, mami.
521
00:20:49,558 --> 00:20:53,260
Uh-oh. Charlotte's
headed for a fall.
522
00:20:53,262 --> 00:20:55,896
I did it.
I made a perfect cappuccino.
523
00:20:55,898 --> 00:20:59,900
75% of my body is burned,
but I did it.
524
00:20:59,902 --> 00:21:01,468
So how is it?
525
00:21:01,470 --> 00:21:03,570
We are so putting
the small scrap
526
00:21:03,572 --> 00:21:06,640
Nipple slap half half
on the menu.
527
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:11,245
[cash register bell dings]