1
00:00:04,847 --> 00:00:06,281
Max.
2
00:00:06,283 --> 00:00:08,050
No,
don't come over here
3
00:00:08,052 --> 00:00:09,117
With that "I'm the boss,
you are the waitress" look,
4
00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:11,286
'cause I could just
as easily give you
5
00:00:11,288 --> 00:00:14,322
The "I'm the murderer,
you're the victim" look.
6
00:00:14,324 --> 00:00:16,291
The muscular woman
at table two
7
00:00:16,293 --> 00:00:17,893
Is sending her bagel back.
8
00:00:17,895 --> 00:00:19,828
She said she ordered
a plain one.
9
00:00:19,830 --> 00:00:22,097
I'm sorry, did you say
she wanted a multi-grain?
10
00:00:22,099 --> 00:00:23,265
No, plain.
11
00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:24,266
Whole grain?
12
00:00:24,268 --> 00:00:25,267
No, plain.
13
00:00:25,269 --> 00:00:27,169
Garlic?
No.
14
00:00:27,171 --> 00:00:28,170
The plain! The plain!
15
00:00:33,176 --> 00:00:34,309
It took me two years,
16
00:00:34,311 --> 00:00:36,912
But I finally got him
to say it.
17
00:00:38,881 --> 00:00:41,116
(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
18
00:00:41,118 --> 00:00:42,584
[cash register bell dings]
19
00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:47,956
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
20
00:00:52,061 --> 00:00:56,865
[cat meowing]
21
00:00:56,867 --> 00:00:59,101
Are you telling me
you don't hear that cat?
22
00:00:59,103 --> 00:01:00,168
We have to let it in.
23
00:01:00,170 --> 00:01:01,770
It's clearly a stray,
24
00:01:01,772 --> 00:01:06,475
Or this marine I met last week
at a blood drive.
25
00:01:06,477 --> 00:01:09,177
Last week there was a man
outside our door screaming,
26
00:01:09,179 --> 00:01:10,512
"I've been stabbed,"
27
00:01:10,514 --> 00:01:13,115
And all you did was yell,
"shut up."
28
00:01:16,152 --> 00:01:21,323
Because he said, "I think
I've been stabbed."
29
00:01:21,325 --> 00:01:23,825
You're either stabbed,
or you're not stabbed.
30
00:01:23,827 --> 00:01:26,294
[cat moaning]
31
00:01:26,296 --> 00:01:28,697
Listen, it sounds like
the cat's saying hello.
32
00:01:28,699 --> 00:01:30,832
[cat moans]
33
00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:35,570
Hello, hello.
34
00:01:35,572 --> 00:01:38,206
[cat moans]
35
00:01:38,208 --> 00:01:39,341
Listen, it's talking.
36
00:01:39,343 --> 00:01:43,345
It's saying, "help.
Can I come in?"
37
00:01:43,347 --> 00:01:44,212
Really?
38
00:01:44,214 --> 00:01:45,814
'cause I think it's saying,
39
00:01:45,816 --> 00:01:48,850
"I'm fine.
Go back to sleep."
40
00:01:48,852 --> 00:01:50,352
[cat moans]
41
00:01:50,354 --> 00:01:52,354
Come on,
it clearly just said,
42
00:01:52,356 --> 00:01:54,356
"let me in.
Ignore the blonde.
43
00:01:54,358 --> 00:01:56,191
She's a bitch."
44
00:01:56,193 --> 00:01:58,326
Look, you can't just
let in everything
45
00:01:58,328 --> 00:02:00,195
That shows up at our door
and says hello.
46
00:02:00,197 --> 00:02:02,164
Yeah, I can.
I've done it.
47
00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:03,865
Max, we can't.
48
00:02:03,867 --> 00:02:05,433
We can't become
cat ladies.
49
00:02:05,435 --> 00:02:07,602
And it always starts
out innocently,
50
00:02:07,604 --> 00:02:09,204
Rescuing a stray,
51
00:02:09,206 --> 00:02:10,205
But then you have
to get another one
52
00:02:10,207 --> 00:02:11,406
So that they can
entertain each other
53
00:02:11,408 --> 00:02:12,841
While you're at work.
54
00:02:12,843 --> 00:02:14,075
And then somewhere
along the line,
55
00:02:14,077 --> 00:02:15,243
Four more sneak in,
and you think,
56
00:02:15,245 --> 00:02:16,745
"we're good.
We're cool.
57
00:02:16,747 --> 00:02:18,413
We're the cute girls
with six cats."
58
00:02:18,415 --> 00:02:21,249
And then, one day, there
you are on animal cops,
59
00:02:21,251 --> 00:02:24,619
Screaming,
"don't take my babies!
60
00:02:24,621 --> 00:02:28,523
These 27 angels
is all I got!"
61
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:32,460
That's how it goes, max.
62
00:02:32,462 --> 00:02:35,430
Once you get one,
you get 27.
63
00:02:35,432 --> 00:02:36,598
Not true.
64
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:37,599
Really?
65
00:02:37,601 --> 00:02:38,600
How many garden gnomes
66
00:02:38,602 --> 00:02:40,435
Do you have under your bed?
67
00:02:40,437 --> 00:02:43,038
27.
68
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,372
What?
69
00:02:44,374 --> 00:02:45,373
They understand
I'm only keeping them there
70
00:02:45,375 --> 00:02:48,410
Until I get a yard.
71
00:02:48,412 --> 00:02:50,378
Come on.
I want a kitty.
72
00:02:50,380 --> 00:02:52,247
Kitty for max.
Kitty for max.
73
00:02:52,249 --> 00:02:54,249
Max, we already have
a horse.
74
00:02:54,251 --> 00:02:56,051
We can't afford
another animal.
75
00:02:56,053 --> 00:02:57,118
We're broke.
76
00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:58,119
Come on.
77
00:02:58,121 --> 00:02:59,621
Chestnut needs a friend.
78
00:02:59,623 --> 00:03:01,623
He is dying to
trash us to someone,
79
00:03:01,625 --> 00:03:03,091
And all he's got
is that rat
80
00:03:03,093 --> 00:03:05,594
Who is super
self-involved.
81
00:03:05,596 --> 00:03:06,595
[knock on door]
82
00:03:06,597 --> 00:03:07,596
Who the hell is that?
83
00:03:07,598 --> 00:03:08,630
It's so late.
84
00:03:08,632 --> 00:03:10,298
It's probably the cat,
85
00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:11,499
Or the guy who's raping
girls in brooklyn.
86
00:03:11,501 --> 00:03:15,136
Open the door,
and roll the dice.
87
00:03:15,138 --> 00:03:17,439
Oh, please.
88
00:03:21,110 --> 00:03:23,278
Please, somebody tell me
89
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:27,282
They killed that damn cat.
90
00:03:27,284 --> 00:03:30,018
And where did it learn
how to say hello?
91
00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:31,286
Told you.
92
00:03:31,288 --> 00:03:34,022
It's been keeping
me up all night.
93
00:03:34,024 --> 00:03:36,324
This poor cat has been
crying at our door
94
00:03:36,326 --> 00:03:38,159
Every night trying
to get in,
95
00:03:38,161 --> 00:03:39,461
Trying to get
a little warm milk,
96
00:03:39,463 --> 00:03:41,329
Maybe a skosh of tuna.
97
00:03:41,331 --> 00:03:44,299
Max, that's our
dinner tomorrow.
98
00:03:44,301 --> 00:03:46,167
Wait.
Be careful.
99
00:03:46,169 --> 00:03:49,437
A cat is not always
a cat.
100
00:03:49,439 --> 00:03:52,307
Oh, please continue.
101
00:03:52,309 --> 00:03:55,310
In poland, we believe
if you die outside,
102
00:03:55,312 --> 00:03:59,481
You're reincarnated
as a cat.
103
00:03:59,483 --> 00:04:01,182
Am I the only one
who thinks poland
104
00:04:01,184 --> 00:04:03,652
Sounds like a real
freak show?
105
00:04:03,654 --> 00:04:05,320
So never let a cat in,
106
00:04:05,322 --> 00:04:06,321
Because it's just a person
107
00:04:06,323 --> 00:04:08,323
That's been reincarnated
108
00:04:08,325 --> 00:04:11,693
And will bring in
all the bad jus.
109
00:04:13,329 --> 00:04:15,730
I think you mean juju.
110
00:04:15,732 --> 00:04:18,500
Oh, do I?
111
00:04:18,502 --> 00:04:20,535
Nighty-night.
112
00:04:20,537 --> 00:04:22,537
[cat moaning]
113
00:04:22,539 --> 00:04:24,306
Look, we just have to put up
with it,
114
00:04:24,308 --> 00:04:26,508
And after a while,
it'll go away on its own.
115
00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:27,809
Go away on its own?
116
00:04:27,811 --> 00:04:30,412
It's a stray cat,
not my father.
117
00:04:30,414 --> 00:04:32,347
Good night, max.
118
00:04:32,349 --> 00:04:34,182
Fine.
No kitty for max.
119
00:04:34,184 --> 00:04:35,350
No kitty for max.
120
00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:41,690
See, max, I told you
the cat would stop.
121
00:04:41,692 --> 00:04:44,559
Max?
122
00:04:44,561 --> 00:04:46,695
[cat moans]
123
00:04:46,697 --> 00:04:48,096
Max.
124
00:04:48,098 --> 00:04:50,031
Can we keep it, ma?
Can we keep it?
125
00:04:55,304 --> 00:04:56,705
Earl, you don't want
a cat, do you?
126
00:04:56,707 --> 00:04:58,373
A cat?
God, no.
127
00:04:58,375 --> 00:05:01,409
Cats steal your weed.
128
00:05:01,411 --> 00:05:02,377
See, caroline?
129
00:05:02,379 --> 00:05:04,346
Nobody wants the cat.
130
00:05:04,348 --> 00:05:05,780
We're keeping it,
131
00:05:05,782 --> 00:05:08,350
And I think we should start
celebrating right meow.
132
00:05:08,352 --> 00:05:10,418
Max, you didn't even try
to convince him.
133
00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:11,553
Come on, earl.
134
00:05:11,555 --> 00:05:12,721
Don't you want a cat?
135
00:05:12,723 --> 00:05:15,357
Kitty for earl.
Kitty for earl.
136
00:05:15,359 --> 00:05:16,391
I'm too old to have a cat.
137
00:05:16,393 --> 00:05:18,460
I'm about six months away
138
00:05:18,462 --> 00:05:20,562
From crapping in a box myself.
139
00:05:23,799 --> 00:05:25,567
Oleg, how do you
feel about cats?
140
00:05:25,569 --> 00:05:30,438
Loved it.
Saw it nine times on broadway.
141
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:31,539
Very clever show,
142
00:05:31,541 --> 00:05:33,208
But a little expensive.
143
00:05:33,210 --> 00:05:36,378
The most I've ever paid
to see a pussy dance.
144
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:43,985
So far we're
keeping the cat.
145
00:05:43,987 --> 00:05:45,420
Hey, han, do you want
a cat?
146
00:05:45,422 --> 00:05:48,456
You could finally have
a friend your own size.
147
00:05:48,458 --> 00:05:50,658
Come on, you could
ride it to work.
148
00:05:50,660 --> 00:05:52,761
No, I can't have a cat.
149
00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:54,629
They're lazy, moody,
and judgmental.
150
00:05:54,631 --> 00:05:58,967
I don't need another you.
151
00:05:58,969 --> 00:06:01,102
Plus, they don't
show affection.
152
00:06:01,104 --> 00:06:02,670
Sure they do.
153
00:06:02,672 --> 00:06:04,606
You just have to know
how to get it out of them.
154
00:06:04,608 --> 00:06:06,674
Cats love to be lightly
spanked on their bottom.
155
00:06:06,676 --> 00:06:09,611
I don't understand why
a cat would like that.
156
00:06:09,613 --> 00:06:12,080
It's so mysterious.
157
00:06:12,082 --> 00:06:14,616
Kitty. Kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
158
00:06:14,618 --> 00:06:18,019
Kitty. Kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
159
00:06:18,021 --> 00:06:19,621
Hmm.
160
00:06:19,623 --> 00:06:20,622
Well, I can't
have a cat.
161
00:06:20,624 --> 00:06:23,691
I work all the time.
162
00:06:23,693 --> 00:06:26,694
Why did I like
that so much?
163
00:06:26,696 --> 00:06:28,430
I don't know.
164
00:06:28,432 --> 00:06:29,998
Something with boobs
was touching you.
165
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,866
People with boobs
touch me.
166
00:06:31,868 --> 00:06:33,635
She means aside
from your mom.
167
00:06:33,637 --> 00:06:35,336
Then, no.
168
00:06:37,306 --> 00:06:39,541
Well, we've asked
everyone we know,
169
00:06:39,543 --> 00:06:41,342
And now I'm depressed,
because this
170
00:06:41,344 --> 00:06:43,344
Is everyone we know.
171
00:06:43,346 --> 00:06:44,646
Let's start asking people
in the diner.
172
00:06:44,648 --> 00:06:46,514
We need to find it
a place to live.
173
00:06:46,516 --> 00:06:47,849
Why?
174
00:06:47,851 --> 00:06:49,350
Why can't it live
right here in my arm
175
00:06:49,352 --> 00:06:52,654
In between my
hot and naturals?
176
00:06:52,656 --> 00:06:55,023
Kitty. Kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
177
00:06:55,025 --> 00:06:58,526
I have to admit, that
does feel kind of good.
178
00:06:58,528 --> 00:07:00,161
Excuse me.
179
00:07:00,163 --> 00:07:01,696
I overheard you two
asking people
180
00:07:01,698 --> 00:07:02,730
If they want a cat,
181
00:07:02,732 --> 00:07:05,967
And I'd really love one.
182
00:07:05,969 --> 00:07:07,669
Really?
Well, we have your cat.
183
00:07:07,671 --> 00:07:09,671
Whoa. Whoa.
Not so fast.
184
00:07:09,673 --> 00:07:10,672
I got a couple
of questions first.
185
00:07:10,674 --> 00:07:11,706
Do you smoke?
186
00:07:11,708 --> 00:07:12,707
Yes.
187
00:07:12,709 --> 00:07:13,708
Drink?
188
00:07:13,710 --> 00:07:14,709
Yes.
189
00:07:14,711 --> 00:07:15,710
Prescription drugs.
190
00:07:15,712 --> 00:07:16,711
Occasionally.
191
00:07:16,713 --> 00:07:17,712
Forget the cat.
192
00:07:17,714 --> 00:07:19,814
Will you take me home?
193
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:26,988
Kitty, you're gonna
love this lady.
194
00:07:26,990 --> 00:07:28,756
She smokes, drinks,
does prescription drugs,
195
00:07:28,758 --> 00:07:31,759
Which we all know
means oxy.
196
00:07:31,761 --> 00:07:33,061
Hi.
197
00:07:33,063 --> 00:07:35,697
Oh, my god.
These she is.
198
00:07:35,699 --> 00:07:38,700
She's purr-fect.
199
00:07:38,702 --> 00:07:40,568
Come in.
Welcome home, you.
200
00:07:40,570 --> 00:07:43,171
See, max?
It's great.
201
00:07:43,173 --> 00:07:45,406
[cats meowing]
202
00:07:45,408 --> 00:07:47,709
What the hell is
going on in here?
203
00:07:47,711 --> 00:07:49,177
Look at all these cats
204
00:07:49,179 --> 00:07:50,178
Crammed in this
little space.
205
00:07:50,180 --> 00:07:51,713
It's so sad.
206
00:07:51,715 --> 00:07:53,414
The only thing missing
is sarah mclachlan
207
00:07:53,416 --> 00:07:55,750
Singing in the corner.
208
00:07:55,752 --> 00:07:56,584
What?
It's fine.
209
00:07:56,586 --> 00:07:57,685
There's not that many.
210
00:07:57,687 --> 00:08:00,388
They're attacking!
211
00:08:00,390 --> 00:08:03,024
Sorry.
He loves blondes.
212
00:08:03,026 --> 00:08:05,193
And apparently pooping
on the carpet.
213
00:08:05,195 --> 00:08:07,629
No, twinkles, no.
214
00:08:07,631 --> 00:08:09,697
Oh, okay,
quick introductions.
215
00:08:09,699 --> 00:08:11,699
That's bethany,
radford, cellars,
216
00:08:11,701 --> 00:08:13,134
Franklin, eleanor,
217
00:08:13,136 --> 00:08:14,769
Pudding, mustachio,
mitzi, meredith,
218
00:08:14,771 --> 00:08:16,905
Baxter, bernie.
219
00:08:16,907 --> 00:08:19,307
She remembers
all of their names?
220
00:08:19,309 --> 00:08:20,608
I don't even remember
the name of the guy
221
00:08:20,610 --> 00:08:22,310
I lost my virginity to.
222
00:08:22,312 --> 00:08:24,412
Best I can do
is "coach" something.
223
00:08:24,414 --> 00:08:26,381
Well, catherine,
I think it's lovely
224
00:08:26,383 --> 00:08:29,617
That you have such a big,
loving hairy family,
225
00:08:29,619 --> 00:08:32,620
Kind of like
the kardashians.
226
00:08:32,622 --> 00:08:35,056
There's only 24.
227
00:08:35,058 --> 00:08:36,124
[cat moaning deeply]
228
00:08:36,126 --> 00:08:38,159
Oh.
229
00:08:38,161 --> 00:08:40,962
31.
230
00:08:40,964 --> 00:08:43,431
Let's go before one of
these rabid cats bites us
231
00:08:43,433 --> 00:08:45,633
And we become half-human,
half-cat hybrids
232
00:08:45,635 --> 00:08:48,069
Who wander the streets
but are never cold.
233
00:08:48,071 --> 00:08:49,804
We're just gonna go have
a little conversation
234
00:08:49,806 --> 00:08:51,072
In the hall.
235
00:08:51,074 --> 00:08:52,607
And f.Y.I.,
the mother looks
236
00:08:52,609 --> 00:08:54,642
Like she's eating
the little one.
237
00:08:54,644 --> 00:08:56,744
Just a thought.
238
00:08:56,746 --> 00:08:58,246
I'm only saying that
'cause it's in her mouth.
239
00:08:58,248 --> 00:09:00,815
Mitzi, release!
240
00:09:00,817 --> 00:09:01,816
Let's go!
241
00:09:01,818 --> 00:09:02,951
In less than five minutes,
242
00:09:02,953 --> 00:09:04,586
It went from 24 to 31,
243
00:09:04,588 --> 00:09:05,753
And I saw two cats
in the corner
244
00:09:05,755 --> 00:09:07,488
Doing it doggie style,
245
00:09:07,490 --> 00:09:09,824
So in two months, we could
be looking at 50 cats.
246
00:09:09,826 --> 00:09:12,827
Max, you can't get pregnant
doggie style.
247
00:09:12,829 --> 00:09:14,829
Right?
248
00:09:18,968 --> 00:09:20,602
We can't go back in.
249
00:09:20,604 --> 00:09:21,803
There's so much hair
in there,
250
00:09:21,805 --> 00:09:25,506
I saw a cat using
a lint roller.
251
00:09:25,508 --> 00:09:26,674
Okay, but if we don't
leave her here,
252
00:09:26,676 --> 00:09:28,209
We only have one
other option.
253
00:09:28,211 --> 00:09:29,811
No, kitty is not
going to a shelter.
254
00:09:29,813 --> 00:09:32,013
Why?
Lots of cats get adopted
255
00:09:32,015 --> 00:09:33,615
And end up in
beautiful homes.
256
00:09:33,617 --> 00:09:35,850
Look, I didn't want
to say this,
257
00:09:35,852 --> 00:09:38,686
But she's not
pretty enough.
258
00:09:38,688 --> 00:09:40,521
What are you
talking about?
259
00:09:40,523 --> 00:09:43,491
She's not pretty enough.
260
00:09:43,493 --> 00:09:46,794
Come on, she doesn't have
classic good looks,
261
00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:49,130
But she's adorkable.
262
00:09:49,132 --> 00:09:50,732
We cannot take her
to a shelter.
263
00:09:50,734 --> 00:09:51,799
She'll die there.
264
00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:53,835
And, yeah, everyone
says they want one
265
00:09:53,837 --> 00:09:55,403
With a nice personality,
266
00:09:55,405 --> 00:09:57,405
But they really just want
a hot, sexy, young kitten
267
00:09:57,407 --> 00:09:59,540
Who still gets excited
about balls in her face.
268
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,879
Everything okay, ladies?
269
00:10:04,881 --> 00:10:07,015
No, everything
is far from okay.
270
00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:08,549
My boots are now uggs,
271
00:10:08,551 --> 00:10:10,652
Thanks to all
the cat hair in there.
272
00:10:10,654 --> 00:10:12,654
Ow!
Stop it!
273
00:10:12,656 --> 00:10:14,422
Sorry, that's gina.
274
00:10:14,424 --> 00:10:16,424
She's bipolar, and she refuses
to take her meds.
275
00:10:16,426 --> 00:10:18,326
Ow! Ow!
Stop it, gina!
276
00:10:18,328 --> 00:10:19,560
I'm sorry, catherine.
277
00:10:19,562 --> 00:10:20,561
This isn't gonna work out.
278
00:10:20,563 --> 00:10:21,896
It's nothing personal.
279
00:10:21,898 --> 00:10:23,698
It's just that
you're crazy.
280
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:25,066
Truly, I'm heartbroken.
281
00:10:25,068 --> 00:10:26,868
Ow! Ow!
282
00:10:26,870 --> 00:10:28,436
I already have a name
picked out for her.
283
00:10:28,438 --> 00:10:29,704
Veronica two.
284
00:10:29,706 --> 00:10:31,272
Ow! Stop it!
285
00:10:31,274 --> 00:10:32,874
Ow! Ow!
286
00:10:32,876 --> 00:10:33,875
I got to go!
287
00:10:33,877 --> 00:10:35,877
Who wants to eat?
288
00:10:37,146 --> 00:10:39,180
Um, just so we all know,
289
00:10:39,182 --> 00:10:42,850
Veronica one committed
suicide, right?
290
00:10:42,852 --> 00:10:45,586
Kitty, we're gonna
find you a nice home.
291
00:10:51,026 --> 00:10:54,729
Want a cat?
292
00:10:54,731 --> 00:10:57,899
Free cat?
293
00:10:57,901 --> 00:11:01,736
Want a cat?
294
00:11:01,738 --> 00:11:03,204
You are going
to love it here.
295
00:11:03,206 --> 00:11:07,775
Park slope is like the
beverly hills of brooklyn.
296
00:11:07,777 --> 00:11:09,477
Here comes a good one.
297
00:11:09,479 --> 00:11:11,779
Hey.
Want a cat.
298
00:11:11,781 --> 00:11:12,914
Excuse me?
299
00:11:12,916 --> 00:11:15,750
Cat?
300
00:11:15,752 --> 00:11:18,319
Yeah, I'll take
some crack.
301
00:11:18,321 --> 00:11:19,754
She said "cat."
302
00:11:19,756 --> 00:11:21,923
We're looking for
a nice home for a cat.
303
00:11:21,925 --> 00:11:23,091
Oh, so no crack.
304
00:11:23,093 --> 00:11:24,492
No.
305
00:11:24,494 --> 00:11:25,927
Well, why would I want
a cat?
306
00:11:25,929 --> 00:11:27,261
I'm a crackhead.
307
00:11:30,699 --> 00:11:31,899
Well, kitty,
308
00:11:31,901 --> 00:11:32,967
As hard as this is,
309
00:11:32,969 --> 00:11:34,302
I think it's time
to let you
310
00:11:34,304 --> 00:11:35,903
Back out there
into the world.
311
00:11:35,905 --> 00:11:37,772
At least we leave you
in a rich neighborhood;
312
00:11:37,774 --> 00:11:39,340
You'll have a
better shot at life.
313
00:11:39,342 --> 00:11:41,109
Max, you are okay
with this?
314
00:11:41,111 --> 00:11:42,977
Well, I was more okay
315
00:11:42,979 --> 00:11:45,079
When I did this with
my cousin's baby.
316
00:11:48,550 --> 00:11:50,618
There you go.
317
00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:55,957
Oh, yeah.
Move him to the next house.
318
00:11:55,959 --> 00:11:57,458
South-facing sun.
Pre-war building.
319
00:11:57,460 --> 00:11:58,826
She'll love it.
320
00:11:58,828 --> 00:12:01,796
There you go.
321
00:12:01,798 --> 00:12:03,664
You live in park slope now.
322
00:12:03,666 --> 00:12:04,932
You can adopt an african baby
323
00:12:04,934 --> 00:12:07,802
And wheel it around
in a $900 stroller.
324
00:12:07,804 --> 00:12:11,873
Can you believe
that was my plan "b"?
325
00:12:11,875 --> 00:12:13,841
Run!
Run away.
326
00:12:13,843 --> 00:12:15,977
Go.
327
00:12:15,979 --> 00:12:17,879
Ah, screw it.
She lives here now.
328
00:12:22,317 --> 00:12:23,351
[gasps]
ooh. Look.
329
00:12:23,353 --> 00:12:24,786
They have a piano.
330
00:12:24,788 --> 00:12:26,454
You can make videos.
331
00:12:26,456 --> 00:12:29,824
You'll be a youtube star.
332
00:12:29,826 --> 00:12:31,859
[discordant piano notes]
bye, kitty.
333
00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:36,664
Wow, I'm shocked
you didn't stop me.
334
00:12:36,666 --> 00:12:37,865
Stop you?
335
00:12:37,867 --> 00:12:39,167
If I had known
that was option,
336
00:12:39,169 --> 00:12:40,902
I would have had you
stuff me in there.
337
00:12:44,907 --> 00:12:46,507
I wonder what
kitty's doing
338
00:12:46,509 --> 00:12:47,875
In her fancy
town house right now.
339
00:12:47,877 --> 00:12:50,411
She's probably snuggling
with an older gay guy
340
00:12:50,413 --> 00:12:51,646
Who likes to read.
341
00:12:51,648 --> 00:12:52,880
You know,
'cause gay guys
342
00:12:52,882 --> 00:12:54,682
Are the only ones
who still read.
343
00:12:54,684 --> 00:12:56,083
They're probably
on the couch right now
344
00:12:56,085 --> 00:12:59,253
With a tale of two kitties.
345
00:12:59,255 --> 00:13:01,022
I'm proud of us.
346
00:13:01,024 --> 00:13:02,723
We selflessly gave
that cat a better life
347
00:13:02,725 --> 00:13:04,225
Than we could ever
afford for ourselves.
348
00:13:04,227 --> 00:13:05,860
Oh, don't try to get in
on that.
349
00:13:05,862 --> 00:13:07,228
I did the right thing.
350
00:13:07,230 --> 00:13:08,863
You tried to leave her
351
00:13:08,865 --> 00:13:11,833
At that crazy lady's
pussy riot.
352
00:13:11,835 --> 00:13:13,534
Hi. Excuse me.
353
00:13:13,536 --> 00:13:15,236
Would it be okay if I put this
flier next to your window?
354
00:13:15,238 --> 00:13:17,405
No.
Sure.
355
00:13:17,407 --> 00:13:19,073
We lost our cat, jinxy,
like, a week ago
356
00:13:19,075 --> 00:13:20,508
In this neighborhood.
357
00:13:20,510 --> 00:13:22,677
Have you seen her?
358
00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:24,045
No. No.
359
00:13:24,047 --> 00:13:25,279
I haven't seen a cat
in a long time.
360
00:13:25,281 --> 00:13:26,881
I was just saying
to her yesterday,
361
00:13:26,883 --> 00:13:29,750
"I haven't seen a cat
in a long time.
362
00:13:29,752 --> 00:13:33,054
Um, how come you didn't
have a collar on her?
363
00:13:33,056 --> 00:13:34,055
And where's her I.D. Tag?
364
00:13:34,057 --> 00:13:36,257
Even my mother had
an I.D. Tag on me.
365
00:13:36,259 --> 00:13:39,260
Well, it was
a flea collar, but...
366
00:13:39,262 --> 00:13:41,896
Why did it take you so long
to put the signs up?
367
00:13:41,898 --> 00:13:44,932
Um, what's happening?
368
00:13:44,934 --> 00:13:46,067
Um, here's what's
happening:
369
00:13:46,069 --> 00:13:47,435
We are more than happy
370
00:13:47,437 --> 00:13:48,936
To put up this
flier of your cat,
371
00:13:48,938 --> 00:13:50,371
Which we have
never, ever seen.
372
00:13:50,373 --> 00:13:52,907
I mean, seriously, where
did all the cats go?
373
00:13:52,909 --> 00:13:54,709
Queens?
Staten island?
374
00:13:54,711 --> 00:13:57,111
'cause they're not
in this neighborhood.
375
00:13:57,113 --> 00:13:58,779
Okay.
376
00:13:58,781 --> 00:14:02,049
This was weird.
377
00:14:02,051 --> 00:14:04,986
Is there any way
this cat isn't kitty?
378
00:14:04,988 --> 00:14:05,920
Nope, that's her.
379
00:14:05,922 --> 00:14:08,122
Same green eyes,
same notch in the ear.
380
00:14:08,124 --> 00:14:10,791
Hello.
Hello.
381
00:14:10,793 --> 00:14:13,394
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
382
00:14:13,396 --> 00:14:15,263
Hey, girls.
What's shaking?
383
00:14:15,265 --> 00:14:19,400
Not me, 'cause
I'm all held in.
384
00:14:19,402 --> 00:14:20,968
Sorry, sophie,
the cupcake window
385
00:14:20,970 --> 00:14:22,069
Isn't open during
the day.
386
00:14:22,071 --> 00:14:23,738
I don't need
your life story.
387
00:14:23,740 --> 00:14:26,807
I just need
a damn cupcake.
388
00:14:26,809 --> 00:14:27,942
Sophie, do you
remember that cat
389
00:14:27,944 --> 00:14:29,944
That was crying outside
our building?
390
00:14:29,946 --> 00:14:31,979
Yeah, you put it down?
391
00:14:31,981 --> 00:14:33,481
We thought it was a stray,
392
00:14:33,483 --> 00:14:34,815
So we tried to find
a home for it,
393
00:14:34,817 --> 00:14:36,083
But couldn't.
394
00:14:36,085 --> 00:14:37,952
So you put it down.
395
00:14:37,954 --> 00:14:39,287
No.
396
00:14:39,289 --> 00:14:41,322
We left it in a really
nice neighborhood.
397
00:14:41,324 --> 00:14:44,425
Oh, so a rich person
put it down?
398
00:14:44,427 --> 00:14:46,761
It turns out it
wasn't a stray at all.
399
00:14:46,763 --> 00:14:47,962
We just met its owner.
400
00:14:47,964 --> 00:14:50,097
This is the cat,
sophie.
401
00:14:50,099 --> 00:14:51,832
Her name's jinxy.
402
00:14:51,834 --> 00:14:53,601
Oh, wait a minute.
403
00:14:53,603 --> 00:14:56,437
Wait a minute.
404
00:14:56,439 --> 00:14:58,172
You remember how
I told you
405
00:14:58,174 --> 00:14:59,840
That if you die outside
in poland,
406
00:14:59,842 --> 00:15:01,542
You come back as a cat?
407
00:15:01,544 --> 00:15:03,544
Yeah, that's kind of
hard to forget.
408
00:15:03,546 --> 00:15:07,348
That's not jinxy.
That's my friend nancy.
409
00:15:09,985 --> 00:15:11,018
Look at her.
410
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:12,954
Same green eyes,
411
00:15:12,956 --> 00:15:14,021
Same notch in the ear.
412
00:15:14,023 --> 00:15:16,324
Same whiskers.
413
00:15:16,326 --> 00:15:18,159
I don't think that
this is nancy.
414
00:15:18,161 --> 00:15:19,160
Oh, yes.
415
00:15:19,162 --> 00:15:21,128
She and I got
in a big fight
416
00:15:21,130 --> 00:15:23,998
And how she's come back
to haunt me.
417
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,201
She died waiting for
an apology from me,
418
00:15:27,203 --> 00:15:28,970
And now she's back.
419
00:15:28,972 --> 00:15:30,972
Guess what.
420
00:15:30,974 --> 00:15:33,874
She's not gonna get it.
421
00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:44,585
Jinxy!
Jinxy!
422
00:15:44,587 --> 00:15:46,587
Jinxy, come on, girl.
423
00:15:46,589 --> 00:15:48,189
Look,
I said on the phone,
424
00:15:48,191 --> 00:15:51,025
This area is where we
randomly spotted her.
425
00:15:51,027 --> 00:15:53,995
I wonder how jinxy got
all the way to park slope.
426
00:15:53,997 --> 00:15:55,496
Just wait.
She's here, I promise.
427
00:15:55,498 --> 00:15:57,098
Jinxy!
428
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:58,866
Jinxy!
429
00:15:58,868 --> 00:16:00,401
Nancy.
430
00:16:02,037 --> 00:16:03,704
Nancy!
Nancy!
431
00:16:03,706 --> 00:16:05,072
Nancy!
Nancy!
432
00:16:05,074 --> 00:16:07,775
Come on, nancy!
433
00:16:07,777 --> 00:16:10,244
Nancy, it's sophie!
434
00:16:10,246 --> 00:16:14,015
I'm here to apologize!
435
00:16:14,017 --> 00:16:16,017
Um, what's happening?
436
00:16:17,853 --> 00:16:19,220
Oh, my god.
It's nancy.
437
00:16:19,222 --> 00:16:20,454
I mean, jinxy.
438
00:16:20,456 --> 00:16:22,790
I mean, kitty.
439
00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:24,458
Ooh...
440
00:16:24,460 --> 00:16:27,128
Hello.
Hello.
441
00:16:27,130 --> 00:16:29,230
Hi, baby.
442
00:16:29,232 --> 00:16:31,732
Kitty, kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
443
00:16:31,734 --> 00:16:33,100
What she's doing,
they like it.
444
00:16:33,102 --> 00:16:34,869
I know,
because I liked it.
445
00:16:34,871 --> 00:16:36,303
Anyway,
we found your cat.
446
00:16:36,305 --> 00:16:38,105
Isn't that great?
447
00:16:38,107 --> 00:16:40,074
Actually, she's
my boyfriend's cat.
448
00:16:40,076 --> 00:16:41,909
I'm keeping her.
449
00:16:41,911 --> 00:16:43,744
Max, just close your
eyes and look away,
450
00:16:43,746 --> 00:16:45,112
Like you do whenever
those people ask you
451
00:16:45,114 --> 00:16:47,048
If you have a minute
to save the earth.
452
00:16:50,519 --> 00:16:52,086
Just stick it in here.
453
00:16:52,088 --> 00:16:53,721
"just stick it in here"?
454
00:16:53,723 --> 00:16:56,223
That's what I say when
my hand gets tired.
455
00:17:08,503 --> 00:17:11,272
Maxy. Maxy.
456
00:17:12,607 --> 00:17:14,275
Maxy, maxy, maxy.
457
00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:31,292
Now do me.
458
00:17:31,294 --> 00:17:33,494
First of all,
459
00:17:33,496 --> 00:17:37,131
I own the diner now.
460
00:17:37,133 --> 00:17:41,268
Secondly, don't ever
do that again.
461
00:17:41,270 --> 00:17:45,706
I guess I'll just
have to spank myself.
462
00:17:45,708 --> 00:17:48,109
No surprise there.
463
00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:51,779
I hope you're happy.
464
00:17:51,781 --> 00:17:53,614
I found jinxy's owners
on facebook.
465
00:17:53,616 --> 00:17:55,116
Not one pic of kitty,
466
00:17:55,118 --> 00:17:56,350
Not even a status update
467
00:17:56,352 --> 00:17:57,318
Saying,
"we found our cat."
468
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:58,619
But she is more
than willing
469
00:17:58,621 --> 00:18:00,354
To talk about her
reverse french manicure
470
00:18:00,356 --> 00:18:02,022
And posts pictures
of a meal
471
00:18:02,024 --> 00:18:04,191
I know she's gonna make
herself throw up later.
472
00:18:04,193 --> 00:18:05,793
Come on, max.
473
00:18:05,795 --> 00:18:08,129
There's got to be
one photo of kitty.
474
00:18:08,131 --> 00:18:09,196
Oh, wow.
475
00:18:09,198 --> 00:18:10,331
You found one?
476
00:18:10,333 --> 00:18:12,366
No, that manicure
is heaven.
477
00:18:12,368 --> 00:18:14,135
Max,
photos or not,
478
00:18:14,137 --> 00:18:15,402
We need to focus
on the fact
479
00:18:15,404 --> 00:18:17,404
That the cat is back with
the guy who loves her.
480
00:18:17,406 --> 00:18:18,539
The guy who loves her?
481
00:18:18,541 --> 00:18:20,341
He doesn't love kitty.
482
00:18:20,343 --> 00:18:21,809
If he did, why aren't
there any pictures of her
483
00:18:21,811 --> 00:18:23,210
At his first wedding?
484
00:18:23,212 --> 00:18:25,646
What, he couldn't spring
for a cat tuxedo?
485
00:18:25,648 --> 00:18:27,915
They're, like, 20 bucks.
486
00:18:27,917 --> 00:18:30,651
I know because I have one
on my garden gnome.
487
00:18:30,653 --> 00:18:32,353
This is not
a loving home.
488
00:18:32,355 --> 00:18:33,854
Pics, or it
didn't happen.
489
00:18:33,856 --> 00:18:35,322
Okay, max.
Okay, just say it.
490
00:18:35,324 --> 00:18:37,191
I put the cat
in an abusive home.
491
00:18:37,193 --> 00:18:38,859
You put the cat
in an abusive home.
492
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,333
I have a gift for you.
493
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:48,369
[cat moans]
494
00:18:48,371 --> 00:18:50,404
No way!
No way!
495
00:18:50,406 --> 00:18:52,439
Oh, yeah,
it's jinxy.
496
00:18:52,441 --> 00:18:55,176
It's nancy.
Jinxy was her slave name.
497
00:18:57,212 --> 00:18:59,847
Oh, nancy,
I missed you.
498
00:18:59,849 --> 00:19:02,016
I missed you so much.
499
00:19:02,018 --> 00:19:04,385
What did you do?
How did you get her?
500
00:19:04,387 --> 00:19:06,220
Well, it was
really complicated.
501
00:19:06,222 --> 00:19:07,454
I went to their apartment,
and I said,
502
00:19:07,456 --> 00:19:09,256
"you don't love that cat,"
503
00:19:09,258 --> 00:19:11,292
And they said,
"you're right. Take it."
504
00:19:12,994 --> 00:19:14,361
Oh, my god!
505
00:19:14,363 --> 00:19:17,865
Is this what happiness
feels like?
506
00:19:17,867 --> 00:19:20,234
So what made you
change your mind?
507
00:19:20,236 --> 00:19:22,770
Because two years ago
I was outside your door,
508
00:19:22,772 --> 00:19:27,241
Saying,
"hello. Hello."
509
00:19:27,243 --> 00:19:29,877
And you let me in,
and it changed my life.
510
00:19:29,879 --> 00:19:31,378
That's kind of different,
though,
511
00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:32,780
Because I didn't want
to let you in,
512
00:19:32,782 --> 00:19:35,783
And I did want to let
the cat in.
513
00:19:35,785 --> 00:19:37,451
But you did let me in.
514
00:19:37,453 --> 00:19:39,119
You let me in,
and you gave me food
515
00:19:39,121 --> 00:19:40,487
And shelter and love.
516
00:19:40,489 --> 00:19:43,457
Not the way I wanted
to give to the cat.
517
00:19:43,459 --> 00:19:45,459
Max, are you trying
to equate a person's love
518
00:19:45,461 --> 00:19:46,460
With a cat's love?
519
00:19:46,462 --> 00:19:47,461
Not really.
520
00:19:47,463 --> 00:19:49,296
A cat's love is eternal.
521
00:19:49,298 --> 00:19:51,265
Hey, girls.
522
00:19:51,267 --> 00:19:53,467
I'm heading over to
the bodega salad bar.
523
00:19:53,469 --> 00:19:55,502
They just added hot ribs
and a sneeze guard.
524
00:19:55,504 --> 00:19:58,072
You need anything?
525
00:19:58,074 --> 00:19:59,907
Sophie, we got
the cat back.
526
00:19:59,909 --> 00:20:02,409
She was in a house
where she wasn't wanted.
527
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:03,477
Oh, yeah.
528
00:20:03,479 --> 00:20:06,347
That is so nancy.
529
00:20:08,383 --> 00:20:10,484
Sophie, do you want
to see the cat?
530
00:20:10,486 --> 00:20:13,621
She's in the apartment?
531
00:20:16,391 --> 00:20:18,826
No, no, no.
532
00:20:18,828 --> 00:20:20,094
No, no.
533
00:20:20,096 --> 00:20:21,528
I can't see her
right now!
534
00:20:21,530 --> 00:20:23,764
It's too much!
535
00:20:23,766 --> 00:20:26,333
I'm happy for you,
nancy!
536
00:20:26,335 --> 00:20:28,302
But I can't do this
right now!
537
00:20:28,304 --> 00:20:29,303
[screams]
538
00:20:36,044 --> 00:20:37,878
Wait, where did
the cat go?
539
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:39,513
Oh, no, chestnut.
540
00:20:39,515 --> 00:20:41,215
I left the back door open.
541
00:20:45,153 --> 00:20:47,321
Oh, my god.
Look.
542
00:20:47,323 --> 00:20:49,356
She's on top of chestnut.
543
00:20:49,358 --> 00:20:51,158
They like each other.
544
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,159
Why wouldn't they?
545
00:20:52,161 --> 00:20:53,327
She's a foxy redhead,
546
00:20:53,329 --> 00:20:55,529
And he's a stud.
547
00:20:55,531 --> 00:20:57,331
You did the right thing.
548
00:20:57,333 --> 00:20:59,533
Kitty, kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
549
00:20:59,535 --> 00:21:01,669
Why do I like
that so much?
550
00:21:01,671 --> 00:21:04,371
'cause something with boobs
is touching you?
551
00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:09,476
[cash register bell dings]