1 00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:14,790 Oh, hey. 2 00:00:14,792 --> 00:00:16,625 You ready? 3 00:00:16,627 --> 00:00:20,262 I can't. I just can't. 4 00:00:20,264 --> 00:00:21,730 Everyone feels like that 5 00:00:21,732 --> 00:00:23,398 The first few times you eat here. 6 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,399 It's like heroin. 7 00:00:24,401 --> 00:00:25,534 It makes you sick, and you think, 8 00:00:25,536 --> 00:00:27,636 "I'll never do that again," and here we are. 9 00:00:29,038 --> 00:00:31,339 No, we put our project on kickstarter, 10 00:00:31,341 --> 00:00:34,342 And we're getting major funding right now. 11 00:00:34,344 --> 00:00:37,846 And I can't. I just can't. 12 00:00:37,848 --> 00:00:39,448 Kickstarter-- that's the website 13 00:00:39,450 --> 00:00:40,949 Where strangers give money for crap 14 00:00:40,951 --> 00:00:42,951 That no one in the real world would invest in, right? 15 00:00:42,953 --> 00:00:45,454 Exactly, but our project isn't crap. 16 00:00:45,456 --> 00:00:46,955 It's bananas. 17 00:00:46,957 --> 00:00:51,359 We design candles with arms. 18 00:00:51,361 --> 00:00:55,630 I can't. I just can't. 19 00:00:55,632 --> 00:00:57,432 Don't you have a passion project-- 20 00:00:57,434 --> 00:00:58,867 Something you've always wanted to do? 21 00:00:58,869 --> 00:01:00,602 Yeah, you can't just want to be a waitress 22 00:01:00,604 --> 00:01:02,904 Your whole life. 23 00:01:02,906 --> 00:01:05,574 [chuckles] actually... 24 00:01:05,576 --> 00:01:07,776 I do have a kickstarter idea. 25 00:01:07,778 --> 00:01:11,079 I'd like to start kicking your asses! 26 00:01:13,583 --> 00:01:15,917 You know we work for tips, right? 27 00:01:15,919 --> 00:01:18,120 Yeah. This one got away from me. 28 00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:21,423 ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 29 00:01:21,425 --> 00:01:23,024 [cash register bell dings] 30 00:01:23,026 --> 00:01:26,928 ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 31 00:01:32,768 --> 00:01:34,402 Okay, listen up, it's Tuesday, 32 00:01:34,404 --> 00:01:37,973 And like martin luther king, I have a dream. 33 00:01:37,975 --> 00:01:40,375 Tonight you will do side work. 34 00:01:40,377 --> 00:01:43,545 Hold up, girl. I have ten minutes till my shift starts. 35 00:01:43,547 --> 00:01:44,913 Max, that is not appropriate. 36 00:01:44,915 --> 00:01:47,115 I'm your boss. Don't call me "girl." 37 00:01:47,117 --> 00:01:50,085 Yes, ma'am. 38 00:01:50,087 --> 00:01:52,621 Okay, you want to play? I'll play. 39 00:01:52,623 --> 00:01:55,490 Hey, sir. Hey, big manny man. 40 00:01:55,492 --> 00:01:59,528 Why don't you show me your penis? 41 00:01:59,530 --> 00:02:03,465 Han, you know I don't have a penis. 42 00:02:03,467 --> 00:02:05,700 It's the only thing we have in common. 43 00:02:05,702 --> 00:02:07,869 Where's caroline? 44 00:02:07,871 --> 00:02:09,237 In the back at our cupcake shop. 45 00:02:09,239 --> 00:02:10,572 Why you don't open your walk-up window 46 00:02:10,574 --> 00:02:12,040 Till you close here at night? 47 00:02:12,042 --> 00:02:13,675 She's getting a jump on our side work. 48 00:02:13,677 --> 00:02:16,011 What? We can't do ours and yours. 49 00:02:16,013 --> 00:02:18,079 Relax, marjorie. 50 00:02:18,081 --> 00:02:19,648 Keep it up, max, 51 00:02:19,650 --> 00:02:21,416 And one day I will show you my penis. 52 00:02:21,418 --> 00:02:24,085 And you'll be sorry. 53 00:02:28,691 --> 00:02:31,660 Yes. Yes, I will. 54 00:02:31,662 --> 00:02:33,862 That's it! New rule! 55 00:02:33,864 --> 00:02:37,199 No more making fun of the boss! 56 00:02:37,201 --> 00:02:39,701 Han doesn't want us calling him names anymore. 57 00:02:39,703 --> 00:02:41,703 It's like, if you don't want to be called names, 58 00:02:41,705 --> 00:02:43,572 Don't look like that. 59 00:02:43,574 --> 00:02:46,007 ♪ when a fire starts to burn, right... ♪ 60 00:02:46,009 --> 00:02:48,510 Why is the window open? What is all that? 61 00:02:48,512 --> 00:02:51,046 It's me, if I had lived. 62 00:02:51,048 --> 00:02:53,882 ♪ when a fire starts to burn, right... ♪ 63 00:02:53,884 --> 00:02:55,850 Oh, my god. Did you see that rack? 64 00:02:55,852 --> 00:02:58,787 See it? I have to carry it around all day. 65 00:02:58,789 --> 00:03:00,822 I've been wearing the same clothes 66 00:03:00,824 --> 00:03:02,123 Every day for two years. 67 00:03:02,125 --> 00:03:04,226 Now, I know that's your dream scenario, 68 00:03:04,228 --> 00:03:06,261 But to me, it's a horror show. 69 00:03:06,263 --> 00:03:07,462 Go get new clothes. 70 00:03:07,464 --> 00:03:09,064 Just go to the place around the corner 71 00:03:09,066 --> 00:03:10,265 And buy some cheap ones. 72 00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:12,601 Max, they sell clothes by the pound. 73 00:03:12,603 --> 00:03:15,103 That's why it's called the fashion pound, 74 00:03:15,105 --> 00:03:17,038 And that is why it is awesome. 75 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:19,307 Look, I'm willing to cut a lot of other things, 76 00:03:19,309 --> 00:03:21,977 Including my wrists, but I need quality clothes. 77 00:03:21,979 --> 00:03:23,979 The only reason I've been able to wear these pants every day 78 00:03:23,981 --> 00:03:25,213 Is because they're quality. 79 00:03:25,215 --> 00:03:27,749 Well, that and a lot of febreze, 80 00:03:27,751 --> 00:03:30,485 Which reminds me... 81 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:34,189 I used to smell like money. 82 00:03:34,191 --> 00:03:35,890 Now I smell like pennies. 83 00:03:35,892 --> 00:03:39,561 And, max, you need a hit. 84 00:03:39,563 --> 00:03:42,964 'breze me. 85 00:03:42,966 --> 00:03:45,000 Hi, girls. 86 00:03:45,002 --> 00:03:48,536 Did you see the high-fashion model shoot? 87 00:03:48,538 --> 00:03:52,440 I was too short to be a model in poland. 88 00:03:52,442 --> 00:03:56,177 Well, I guess you can't have it all, right? 89 00:03:56,179 --> 00:04:00,081 Do I smell febreze? 90 00:04:00,083 --> 00:04:02,517 That's my second-favorite scent. 91 00:04:02,519 --> 00:04:05,920 Oh, and there's my first-favorite scent. 92 00:04:05,922 --> 00:04:07,489 Hey, sophie. 93 00:04:07,491 --> 00:04:12,494 I'm sorry. Have we met? 94 00:04:12,496 --> 00:04:15,597 I'm not good with faces that I never want to see again. 95 00:04:15,599 --> 00:04:16,731 What happened? 96 00:04:16,733 --> 00:04:18,066 I thought you guys were gonna be friends. 97 00:04:18,068 --> 00:04:19,868 Yeah, messed-up, passive-aggressive friends 98 00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:21,269 Who occasionally sleep together, 99 00:04:21,271 --> 00:04:24,172 Like ryan seacrest and simon cowell. 100 00:04:24,174 --> 00:04:27,008 Oh, okay, I see what you're doing. 101 00:04:27,010 --> 00:04:29,077 You're pretending like we don't have 102 00:04:29,079 --> 00:04:32,280 Movie-character names for our private parts. 103 00:04:33,916 --> 00:04:35,350 Well, good-bye, miss, 104 00:04:35,352 --> 00:04:39,487 And give my regards to mrs. Doubtfire. 105 00:04:39,489 --> 00:04:43,058 Okay, e.T., go home! 106 00:04:44,727 --> 00:04:46,961 Here's your mail, girls. 107 00:04:48,964 --> 00:04:51,132 Max, sophie had a new purse. 108 00:04:51,134 --> 00:04:52,801 Everybody has something new. 109 00:04:52,803 --> 00:04:54,202 Even the homeless lady on the bus 110 00:04:54,204 --> 00:04:55,403 Had a new barrette, 111 00:04:55,405 --> 00:04:57,138 And even though her feet were split open, 112 00:04:57,140 --> 00:04:59,240 I still felt jealous. 113 00:04:59,242 --> 00:05:00,675 Oh, this is not a bill. 114 00:05:00,677 --> 00:05:03,011 Now, that's a first. 115 00:05:03,013 --> 00:05:05,313 "we are offering you a new phone, 116 00:05:05,315 --> 00:05:07,349 "as older flip-model phones such as yours 117 00:05:07,351 --> 00:05:08,650 Have been degraded." 118 00:05:08,652 --> 00:05:12,020 They're slut-shaming phones now? 119 00:05:12,022 --> 00:05:13,521 I don't want a new anything. 120 00:05:13,523 --> 00:05:14,923 And I like my old flip. 121 00:05:14,925 --> 00:05:17,258 Where's my damn letter from the pants company, 122 00:05:17,260 --> 00:05:19,227 Saying, "girl, those things are tired-- 123 00:05:19,229 --> 00:05:21,696 Here's a new pair for free"? 124 00:05:21,698 --> 00:05:23,198 If you want something for free, 125 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,866 Why don't you just go on kickstarter 126 00:05:24,868 --> 00:05:26,368 Like everyone else? 127 00:05:26,370 --> 00:05:28,136 You can't use it for clothes. 128 00:05:28,138 --> 00:05:30,238 Can you? 129 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:35,076 And if you can, can I? 130 00:05:35,078 --> 00:05:38,179 Why not? It's no stupider than candle arms. 131 00:05:38,181 --> 00:05:39,781 Now, if the candles had real arms 132 00:05:39,783 --> 00:05:41,449 And could slap the idiots who bought them, 133 00:05:41,451 --> 00:05:43,251 I'd invest in that. 134 00:05:43,253 --> 00:05:45,086 Max, we have nothing, 135 00:05:45,088 --> 00:05:47,222 And if anybody is giving us something for free, 136 00:05:47,224 --> 00:05:48,289 We're taking it. 137 00:05:48,291 --> 00:05:49,758 You are getting that free phone, 138 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,860 And I am begging for free clothes. 139 00:05:51,862 --> 00:05:53,094 Things are looking up. 140 00:05:53,096 --> 00:05:55,163 [pants rip] 141 00:05:58,300 --> 00:06:01,469 You might want to kickstart some underwear. 142 00:06:06,776 --> 00:06:08,510 Well, obviously, they don't have anything. 143 00:06:08,512 --> 00:06:09,744 Let's go. 144 00:06:09,746 --> 00:06:11,379 Max, stop. My pants just ripped some more. 145 00:06:11,381 --> 00:06:14,048 I have to fix them again. 146 00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:19,687 [stapler clicks] 147 00:06:19,689 --> 00:06:21,589 Hey, quality, why don't you just take them 148 00:06:21,591 --> 00:06:24,159 To office depot and get them tailored? 149 00:06:24,161 --> 00:06:26,261 Let's shop. 150 00:06:26,263 --> 00:06:27,896 Ow. 151 00:06:30,666 --> 00:06:32,700 Uh-oh, they're ripping again. 152 00:06:32,702 --> 00:06:36,905 I feel a breeze up in my febreze. 153 00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:39,674 How can I help you? 154 00:06:39,676 --> 00:06:42,243 Oh, hey. Hi, uh, chiandra. 155 00:06:42,245 --> 00:06:44,279 Where can I get a new flip phone? 156 00:06:44,281 --> 00:06:46,781 Mm, let me think. 157 00:06:46,783 --> 00:06:50,018 Guatemala. 158 00:06:50,020 --> 00:06:52,620 I'll miss you, phone. This is breaking my heart. 159 00:06:52,622 --> 00:06:53,721 Come on, boo. 160 00:06:53,723 --> 00:06:57,859 It's a phone, not bruno mars. 161 00:06:57,861 --> 00:06:59,694 Now, I need that letter. 162 00:06:59,696 --> 00:07:00,662 Oh, here it is. I have it. 163 00:07:00,664 --> 00:07:01,663 It's in my purse. 164 00:07:01,665 --> 00:07:03,164 What's her story? 165 00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:05,600 Why is her hand on her ass? 166 00:07:05,602 --> 00:07:07,435 Her staples popped. 167 00:07:07,437 --> 00:07:10,138 Lap band? 168 00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:11,873 Happened to my cousin. 169 00:07:11,875 --> 00:07:14,609 She had a diet 7 up and exploded. 170 00:07:14,611 --> 00:07:17,278 Then she got m.S. 171 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:21,449 According to judge joe brown, it was not related. 172 00:07:21,451 --> 00:07:24,886 Uh, here, I'll just take this one. 173 00:07:24,888 --> 00:07:28,122 Slow down, now. Take a look around. 174 00:07:28,124 --> 00:07:30,758 You got a whole world of possibilities. 175 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,660 Pick 'em up, get a feel, 176 00:07:32,662 --> 00:07:35,663 Hold it in your hand for a while. 177 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:41,336 Chiandra, it's a phone, not bruno mars. 178 00:07:41,338 --> 00:07:43,471 Oh, "texting is easy 179 00:07:43,473 --> 00:07:45,473 With the new finger friendly keyboard." 180 00:07:45,475 --> 00:07:47,141 My fingers are already too friendly. 181 00:07:47,143 --> 00:07:49,844 Ask my fourth-grade boyfriend. 182 00:07:49,846 --> 00:07:53,314 Wow. These sample texts are getting kind of racy. 183 00:07:53,316 --> 00:07:57,252 "bad news--I think the condom broke last night." 184 00:07:59,121 --> 00:08:01,623 Why would anyone put that on a display model? 185 00:08:01,625 --> 00:08:04,425 That's mine. 186 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,309 I left it there by accident. 187 00:08:21,311 --> 00:08:25,780 But that's not your problem. 188 00:08:25,782 --> 00:08:29,117 Now, tell me, what are your phone needs? 189 00:08:29,119 --> 00:08:31,619 Uh, my needs are simple. 190 00:08:31,621 --> 00:08:33,821 I need a phone that can draw a mustache on people 191 00:08:33,823 --> 00:08:36,324 And occasionally will call my mother and hang up. 192 00:08:36,326 --> 00:08:38,893 And she needs one with a good camera, 193 00:08:38,895 --> 00:08:42,997 Because I have to film my video pitch for new pants. 194 00:08:42,999 --> 00:08:45,833 I have a hole in my butt. 195 00:08:49,104 --> 00:08:52,206 You know you're supposed to, right? 196 00:08:58,414 --> 00:09:01,382 [stapler clicks] 197 00:09:01,384 --> 00:09:05,553 Max, I might be a virgin again. 198 00:09:10,726 --> 00:09:11,759 I love my new phone! 199 00:09:11,761 --> 00:09:13,728 It's so cool and red. 200 00:09:13,730 --> 00:09:15,096 It feels like anything could happen! 201 00:09:15,098 --> 00:09:16,397 But it probably won't. 202 00:09:16,399 --> 00:09:19,300 [phone ringing] my first call. 203 00:09:19,302 --> 00:09:21,302 What do I do? 204 00:09:21,304 --> 00:09:22,470 What do I do? 205 00:09:22,472 --> 00:09:24,505 Oh. Hello? 206 00:09:24,507 --> 00:09:27,241 Oh, hey, girl, good for you. Bye. 207 00:09:27,243 --> 00:09:30,278 Chiandra's not pregnant. 208 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,448 Max, why are you taking calls from chiandra? 209 00:09:33,450 --> 00:09:34,616 We have to do my video. 210 00:09:34,618 --> 00:09:35,883 I had to take her call. 211 00:09:35,885 --> 00:09:37,485 She gave me a bunch of free apps-- 212 00:09:37,487 --> 00:09:39,087 Angry birds, doodle jump. 213 00:09:39,089 --> 00:09:40,521 If you want to look like a dog, I could do that. 214 00:09:40,523 --> 00:09:42,390 Look, here's me as a st. Bernard. 215 00:09:42,392 --> 00:09:44,926 See my neck keg? 216 00:09:44,928 --> 00:09:46,761 Okay, I've done some research, 217 00:09:46,763 --> 00:09:48,930 And here's some things other people want money for. 218 00:09:48,932 --> 00:09:51,633 One woman wants money for a new leg. 219 00:09:51,635 --> 00:09:53,368 Scrolling. 220 00:09:53,370 --> 00:09:56,170 Wait. If she only has one leg, 221 00:09:56,172 --> 00:10:00,108 Shouldn't she be on can't-kickstarter? 222 00:10:00,110 --> 00:10:02,076 Oh, I'm no longer working with them. 223 00:10:02,078 --> 00:10:03,478 They denied my project. 224 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,513 Apparently, I'm not artsy enough 225 00:10:05,515 --> 00:10:07,448 And have too many legs. 226 00:10:07,450 --> 00:10:09,717 So now I'm on go fund yourself. 227 00:10:09,719 --> 00:10:11,119 Oh, perfect. 228 00:10:11,121 --> 00:10:13,221 I've been telling you to go fund yourself for years. 229 00:10:13,223 --> 00:10:16,958 The future of my pants hinges on the video pitch. 230 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,860 The tone needs to be sad and pathetic. 231 00:10:18,862 --> 00:10:21,996 Uh, preparation done. 232 00:10:21,998 --> 00:10:24,932 What's sadder than former billionaire caroline channing 233 00:10:24,934 --> 00:10:26,901 Asking for money for pants? 234 00:10:26,903 --> 00:10:29,470 Oh, they're not gonna know it's me. 235 00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:36,411 Are you being funded by al-qaeda? 236 00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:41,482 If they're buying, I'm taking. 237 00:10:41,484 --> 00:10:43,551 And action. 238 00:10:43,553 --> 00:10:46,254 Hi. I can't tell you my name, 239 00:10:46,256 --> 00:10:49,557 And I can't show you my face because I'm too ashamed. 240 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:52,126 Sadly, I find myself in a situation 241 00:10:52,128 --> 00:10:54,529 Where I am no longer able to provide myself 242 00:10:54,531 --> 00:10:56,864 With the garments I need in order to be the best 243 00:10:56,866 --> 00:10:58,366 In my day-to-day life. 244 00:10:58,368 --> 00:11:00,868 I'm aware that this is not a problem for everybody. 245 00:11:00,870 --> 00:11:03,037 Stop, stop! I need to take a picture of myself 246 00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:05,039 Having the most fun I've ever had. 247 00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:07,809 Your nose is coming out of your eyehole. 248 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:11,979 No. 249 00:11:11,981 --> 00:11:13,915 No, no, no, max, don't stop. 250 00:11:13,917 --> 00:11:15,316 I'm in a groove. 251 00:11:15,318 --> 00:11:17,552 No, you're in a bag. 252 00:11:17,554 --> 00:11:19,554 Please let me take a picture of you in a bag 253 00:11:19,556 --> 00:11:24,025 And then turn it into a dog and then call it a doggie bag. 254 00:11:24,027 --> 00:11:26,994 Go, max, I'm running out of oxygen, 255 00:11:26,996 --> 00:11:29,864 And I think there was cheese in here. 256 00:11:29,866 --> 00:11:31,666 And action. 257 00:11:31,668 --> 00:11:33,234 If I achieve my goal-- 258 00:11:33,236 --> 00:11:38,606 Specifically, a new pair of quality pants-- 259 00:11:38,608 --> 00:11:42,977 Then I promise I will give back to the community, 260 00:11:42,979 --> 00:11:44,712 Wearing said pants. 261 00:11:44,714 --> 00:11:47,148 All I need is $1,500. 262 00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:50,184 Stop! Whoa! $1,500? 263 00:11:50,186 --> 00:11:52,120 How many pounds of clothes are you getting? 264 00:11:52,122 --> 00:11:53,755 Look, it's for one pair 265 00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:56,891 Of amazing dries van noten silk brocade pants-- 266 00:11:56,893 --> 00:11:58,092 Super cute. 267 00:11:58,094 --> 00:11:59,761 And, yes, it's a lot, 268 00:11:59,763 --> 00:12:02,296 But my investors will get something in return. 269 00:12:02,298 --> 00:12:04,732 For $5, they will get 270 00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:06,601 The feeling of goodwill in their heart. 271 00:12:06,603 --> 00:12:08,202 Pbbt! 272 00:12:08,204 --> 00:12:10,738 For $10, I'll send them a selfie 273 00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:12,507 In the new pants that they bought. 274 00:12:12,509 --> 00:12:15,476 For $20, I'll send them a selfie without pants. 275 00:12:17,713 --> 00:12:20,548 Nobody is gonna give you money for the stuff you offered. 276 00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:21,883 "goodwill in their hearts"? 277 00:12:21,885 --> 00:12:24,485 This is the internet. We're animals. 278 00:12:24,487 --> 00:12:25,820 You're right. 279 00:12:25,822 --> 00:12:27,455 [gasps] I have an idea. 280 00:12:27,457 --> 00:12:29,924 Camera up. 281 00:12:29,926 --> 00:12:32,226 And action. 282 00:12:32,228 --> 00:12:34,829 I'm sure a lot of you are probably thinking, 283 00:12:34,831 --> 00:12:38,266 "look at this spoiled, indulgent, clueless girl." 284 00:12:38,268 --> 00:12:40,401 Well, I am. 285 00:12:40,403 --> 00:12:43,104 And you're also probably thinking, 286 00:12:43,106 --> 00:12:45,006 "god, I want to slap her." 287 00:12:45,008 --> 00:12:47,441 Well, guess what. You can! 288 00:12:47,443 --> 00:12:50,111 For $500, you can come here 289 00:12:50,113 --> 00:12:54,515 And slap my spoiled, clueless face. 290 00:12:54,517 --> 00:12:56,784 And cut. 291 00:12:56,786 --> 00:12:57,852 Pretty good, huh? 292 00:12:57,854 --> 00:12:59,587 Genius. Now, here, take the camera. 293 00:12:59,589 --> 00:13:02,523 I want to film my video to raise $500 to slap you. 294 00:13:09,531 --> 00:13:11,232 Earl, look! 295 00:13:11,234 --> 00:13:13,768 I just got 20 more dollars from one of my backers! 296 00:13:13,770 --> 00:13:15,503 Now, let me get this straight. 297 00:13:15,505 --> 00:13:17,471 You just ask people for money, 298 00:13:17,473 --> 00:13:19,073 And they give it to you-- 299 00:13:19,075 --> 00:13:22,410 Without using a weapon? 300 00:13:22,412 --> 00:13:24,679 Well, earl, I guess desperation 301 00:13:24,681 --> 00:13:26,080 Cuts like a knife. 302 00:13:26,082 --> 00:13:29,884 Man, being white is easy. 303 00:13:29,886 --> 00:13:33,387 [game sound effects] 304 00:13:33,389 --> 00:13:35,890 Um, we're ready to order. 305 00:13:35,892 --> 00:13:37,925 [fanfare plays] 306 00:13:37,927 --> 00:13:42,396 [game sound effects] 307 00:13:42,398 --> 00:13:44,232 [fanfare plays] 308 00:13:44,234 --> 00:13:46,534 Caroline, I just unlocked the candy hammer. 309 00:13:46,536 --> 00:13:48,569 Can you go over there and take those girls' orders? 310 00:13:48,571 --> 00:13:52,406 I can't. I just can't. 311 00:13:52,408 --> 00:13:54,075 [bell clangs] 312 00:13:54,077 --> 00:13:57,078 Oh, no way! I just hit $1,000! 313 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,547 That's almost both legs paid for! 314 00:13:59,549 --> 00:14:01,415 Uh, hello? 315 00:14:01,417 --> 00:14:04,218 You're dinging and donging right in front of my face. 316 00:14:04,220 --> 00:14:07,154 Can't you at least put your phones on vibrate? 317 00:14:07,156 --> 00:14:10,725 I don't like to mix business with pleasure. 318 00:14:10,727 --> 00:14:13,327 You two need to be off your phones and working. 319 00:14:13,329 --> 00:14:15,363 Now. And no back talk. 320 00:14:15,365 --> 00:14:17,565 [phone chimes] 321 00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:20,434 Totally. 322 00:14:20,436 --> 00:14:21,535 [phone chimes] 323 00:14:21,537 --> 00:14:24,005 Totally. 324 00:14:27,209 --> 00:14:29,243 [phones chime] 325 00:14:29,245 --> 00:14:31,012 Totally. Totally. 326 00:14:31,014 --> 00:14:32,513 [both laugh] 327 00:14:32,515 --> 00:14:34,048 Oh, I know what's going on. 328 00:14:34,050 --> 00:14:36,884 You're group-texting insults about me! 329 00:14:36,886 --> 00:14:38,819 We are not. 330 00:14:38,821 --> 00:14:41,689 [laughs] I got your text! 331 00:14:41,691 --> 00:14:45,693 Han does look like those minion things in despicable me! 332 00:14:45,695 --> 00:14:47,261 Oh. 333 00:14:47,263 --> 00:14:51,532 And I thought bullying would end when I hit four feet. 334 00:14:51,534 --> 00:14:52,700 [bell clangs] 335 00:14:52,702 --> 00:14:54,101 Oh! Oh, my god! 336 00:14:54,103 --> 00:14:55,603 I'm getting my new pants! 337 00:14:55,605 --> 00:14:57,371 I just got a $500 pledge! 338 00:14:57,373 --> 00:15:00,641 Somebody wants to slap me! Somebody wants to slap me! 339 00:15:00,643 --> 00:15:02,710 Just one person? 340 00:15:07,749 --> 00:15:08,883 Hey, han insists we can't leave tonight 341 00:15:08,885 --> 00:15:10,151 Without doing our side work, 342 00:15:10,153 --> 00:15:12,954 So I made him into a chihuahua wearing a diaper. 343 00:15:12,956 --> 00:15:15,289 [laughs] check your phone. 344 00:15:15,291 --> 00:15:16,557 Caroline? 345 00:15:16,559 --> 00:15:18,392 (caroline) someone got some new pants! 346 00:15:18,394 --> 00:15:20,895 ♪ when a fire starts to burn, right ♪ 347 00:15:20,897 --> 00:15:22,396 ♪ and it starts to spread 348 00:15:22,398 --> 00:15:24,298 ♪ she gonna bring that attitude home ♪ 349 00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:26,634 ♪ they don't want to do nothing with they life ♪ 350 00:15:26,636 --> 00:15:28,169 ♪ when a fire starts to burn, right ♪ 351 00:15:28,171 --> 00:15:29,170 [music stops] 352 00:15:29,172 --> 00:15:30,705 I wasn't finished! 353 00:15:30,707 --> 00:15:32,807 No, I was. 354 00:15:32,809 --> 00:15:34,575 Max, I didn't want to tell you this, 355 00:15:34,577 --> 00:15:36,978 But I was secretly worried my booty was gone. 356 00:15:36,980 --> 00:15:38,512 Turns out, it was just the pants. 357 00:15:38,514 --> 00:15:41,549 It's still there. Take a picture of it. 358 00:15:41,551 --> 00:15:43,417 Okay, let me see. 359 00:15:43,419 --> 00:15:44,785 [gasps] perfect! 360 00:15:44,787 --> 00:15:47,188 Now, let's send a group-text to our diner family, 361 00:15:47,190 --> 00:15:48,289 And I'd like you to copy me on that, 362 00:15:48,291 --> 00:15:49,557 Because I want to send it to my dad in prison. 363 00:15:49,559 --> 00:15:51,158 He'll be so proud. 364 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,695 Yeah, 'cause I'm sure he's not seeing any asses there. 365 00:15:54,697 --> 00:15:56,597 You know what I love about these pants? 366 00:15:56,599 --> 00:15:58,666 How they make my butt look-- 367 00:15:58,668 --> 00:16:01,135 Can you see it through the window? 368 00:16:02,137 --> 00:16:05,473 I got new pants. 369 00:16:05,475 --> 00:16:07,408 [phone chimes] 370 00:16:07,410 --> 00:16:09,577 Hey, earl, you got my text, right? 371 00:16:09,579 --> 00:16:11,278 You mean that picture of caroline in her pants 372 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:14,048 That said, "I'm so sick of her"? 373 00:16:14,050 --> 00:16:15,082 I know, right? 374 00:16:15,084 --> 00:16:17,618 If she ever gets a new shirt, just kill me. 375 00:16:17,620 --> 00:16:19,420 I hear you, max, but I just can't believe 376 00:16:19,422 --> 00:16:21,722 You included her on the text. 377 00:16:21,724 --> 00:16:22,990 [laughs] yeah. 378 00:16:22,992 --> 00:16:25,292 What? 379 00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:28,262 Oh, my god. I didn't take her off the chain. 380 00:16:28,264 --> 00:16:30,064 I mean, if you're gonna trash a child, 381 00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:32,933 You got to take her off the chain. 382 00:16:32,935 --> 00:16:34,368 Look, earl, they're here! 383 00:16:34,370 --> 00:16:36,404 Look what your $10 is buying you! 384 00:16:36,406 --> 00:16:38,039 Uh-uh, not looking. Don't want to know. 385 00:16:38,041 --> 00:16:40,641 I'm taking myself off the chain. 386 00:16:40,643 --> 00:16:42,476 Uh, hey, caroline. 387 00:16:42,478 --> 00:16:44,612 Uh, did you get my text? Not yet. 388 00:16:44,614 --> 00:16:46,080 The front of the diner is a bad reception area. 389 00:16:46,082 --> 00:16:47,915 [phone chimes] uh, no, no, no, no. 390 00:16:47,917 --> 00:16:48,949 Don't reach for that. 391 00:16:48,951 --> 00:16:52,753 It's probably just an amber alert. 392 00:16:52,755 --> 00:16:54,455 Why are you acting weird? 393 00:16:54,457 --> 00:16:57,391 Oh, are you jealous of my new pants? 394 00:16:57,393 --> 00:17:00,761 No, but I may have texted something about you 395 00:17:00,763 --> 00:17:01,996 That I didn't mean, 396 00:17:01,998 --> 00:17:03,731 So just please don't look at your phone. 397 00:17:03,733 --> 00:17:05,633 Uh, okay. 398 00:17:05,635 --> 00:17:09,904 If it's something bad, I don't want to see it anyway. 399 00:17:09,906 --> 00:17:11,839 She's gonna look at it, isn't she, earl? 400 00:17:11,841 --> 00:17:13,040 I would. 401 00:17:13,042 --> 00:17:15,643 She just did. 402 00:17:17,012 --> 00:17:18,946 You're so sick of me? 403 00:17:18,948 --> 00:17:21,916 [laughs] 'cause it's funny! 404 00:17:21,918 --> 00:17:24,151 [laughs] "I'm so sick of you!" 405 00:17:24,153 --> 00:17:27,188 [laughs] you know, said funny. 406 00:17:27,190 --> 00:17:29,790 You know how I am. Ask earl. Earl, help. 407 00:17:29,792 --> 00:17:32,560 Oh, I am off the chain. 408 00:17:32,562 --> 00:17:33,694 Oleg, help. 409 00:17:33,696 --> 00:17:36,130 I'll be in my car. 410 00:17:36,132 --> 00:17:37,665 Oh, look, look! Here's han! 411 00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:39,667 He knows how I'm always just joking. 412 00:17:39,669 --> 00:17:42,103 Han, nod your head and don't ask why. 413 00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:43,637 Oh, no, last time you asked me to do that, 414 00:17:43,639 --> 00:17:47,508 I wound up on a date with an albino. 415 00:17:47,510 --> 00:17:49,777 And who didn't call who back? 416 00:17:49,779 --> 00:17:53,547 I don't know how they're so confident. 417 00:17:55,183 --> 00:17:57,485 Max, you said you were sick of me. 418 00:17:57,487 --> 00:17:59,520 Oh, why are you so upset? 419 00:17:59,522 --> 00:18:01,956 I say worse things to you all the time. 420 00:18:01,958 --> 00:18:04,158 Yesterday I said you were sad and pathetic. 421 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,860 But that was to my face. 422 00:18:05,862 --> 00:18:08,696 I can't believe you talk about me behind my back. 423 00:18:08,698 --> 00:18:11,365 It's bad. I am sorry. What can I do? 424 00:18:11,367 --> 00:18:14,802 Hit me. Punch me. Tell my mother where I live. 425 00:18:14,804 --> 00:18:16,203 Congratulations, max. 426 00:18:16,205 --> 00:18:18,139 Now you're like all my old girlfriends, 427 00:18:18,141 --> 00:18:21,375 Talking behind my back. 428 00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:25,813 Stop looking at that. Delete it. 429 00:18:25,815 --> 00:18:28,782 This is not what I think. I'm not sick of you. Really? 430 00:18:28,784 --> 00:18:30,784 'cause when I see it in writing, it feels like you are. 431 00:18:30,786 --> 00:18:32,720 It's not me. It's this phone. 432 00:18:32,722 --> 00:18:37,358 It brought out the ugliness that was kind of already there. 433 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:38,826 [sizzling] there! 434 00:18:38,828 --> 00:18:41,562 I killed it because it hurt you. 435 00:18:41,564 --> 00:18:45,499 I swear I didn't mean it. You have to believe me. 436 00:18:45,501 --> 00:18:47,368 It's fine, max. 437 00:18:49,471 --> 00:18:53,107 I feel like I'm gonna throw up. 438 00:18:57,012 --> 00:18:59,513 There... I french-fried my phone. 439 00:18:59,515 --> 00:19:00,948 What else can I do? 440 00:19:00,950 --> 00:19:03,484 I mean, really, it is technology's fault. 441 00:19:03,486 --> 00:19:05,186 It's turning us against each other. 442 00:19:05,188 --> 00:19:08,822 Caroline, I swear, I will never accidentally say 443 00:19:08,824 --> 00:19:12,459 Anything about you again that I never meant. 444 00:19:12,461 --> 00:19:15,596 I have to get ready for work. It's fine. 445 00:19:15,598 --> 00:19:16,864 Stop saying that. 446 00:19:16,866 --> 00:19:18,332 Please stop saying it's fine. 447 00:19:18,334 --> 00:19:19,567 "fine" doesn't mean fine. 448 00:19:19,569 --> 00:19:22,236 The scale goes great, good, okay, 449 00:19:22,238 --> 00:19:24,705 Not okay, I hate you, fine. 450 00:19:24,707 --> 00:19:26,307 If "fine" meant fine, that'd be great, 451 00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:27,641 But it doesn't, okay? 452 00:19:27,643 --> 00:19:29,009 You're right. It's not fine. 453 00:19:29,011 --> 00:19:30,344 It sucks. I'm hurt. 454 00:19:30,346 --> 00:19:31,812 You're the one person I care most about. 455 00:19:31,814 --> 00:19:34,682 No, you are the one person I care the most about. 456 00:19:34,684 --> 00:19:37,084 Well, right now it doesn't feel that way. 457 00:19:37,086 --> 00:19:38,219 It has to feel that way! 458 00:19:38,221 --> 00:19:39,620 You are my best friend, caroline! 459 00:19:39,622 --> 00:19:41,922 I love you. 460 00:19:50,966 --> 00:19:55,135 Oh, my god, now I'm really gonna throw up. 461 00:19:55,137 --> 00:19:57,504 Max, is that the first time you said "I love you"? 462 00:19:58,540 --> 00:20:01,875 Don't look at me. I'm embarrassed. 463 00:20:01,877 --> 00:20:04,178 Now what do we do? 464 00:20:04,180 --> 00:20:06,513 So you're not sick of me? 465 00:20:06,515 --> 00:20:09,250 You are the only person in the entire world 466 00:20:09,252 --> 00:20:11,185 I am not sick of. 467 00:20:11,187 --> 00:20:14,755 Caroline... 468 00:20:14,757 --> 00:20:17,591 There's a woman here who said she paid to slap you. 469 00:20:17,593 --> 00:20:18,993 If I had known it was an option, 470 00:20:18,995 --> 00:20:22,029 I would have thrown my name into that hat. 471 00:20:24,366 --> 00:20:27,568 Well, time to put this on. That's my $500 pledge. 472 00:20:27,570 --> 00:20:29,470 I'll go. What? 473 00:20:29,472 --> 00:20:30,938 I'll take it. I deserve it. 474 00:20:30,940 --> 00:20:33,807 You've already gotten a slap in the face from me. 475 00:20:33,809 --> 00:20:35,576 But she's expecting to see me. 476 00:20:35,578 --> 00:20:38,212 No, she's expecting to see a clueless woman 477 00:20:38,214 --> 00:20:39,580 Wearing a paper bag. 478 00:20:39,582 --> 00:20:40,848 And even though I wasn't planning 479 00:20:40,850 --> 00:20:42,783 On becoming that woman for another 20, 25 years, 480 00:20:42,785 --> 00:20:44,852 I owe you. 481 00:20:49,557 --> 00:20:51,892 Seriously? You're not gonna stop me? 482 00:20:53,361 --> 00:20:55,062 Nope. 483 00:20:55,064 --> 00:20:57,331 And, max... 484 00:20:57,333 --> 00:20:59,633 I love you too. 485 00:21:00,669 --> 00:21:02,836 I'm so sick of you. 486 00:21:05,273 --> 00:21:07,641 [cash register bell dings]