1 00:00:02,045 --> 00:00:04,312 - Whoever tipped me in monopoly money 2 00:00:04,314 --> 00:00:06,481 Can go directly to jail. 3 00:00:06,483 --> 00:00:08,850 - A dollar? 4 00:00:08,852 --> 00:00:11,787 Fake money and they're still under-tipping. 5 00:00:15,992 --> 00:00:17,392 [laughs] 6 00:00:17,394 --> 00:00:19,327 - Oh, look. I love it when people 7 00:00:19,329 --> 00:00:23,498 Dress guinea pigs up in adorable costumes. 8 00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:25,400 - Han, you look like babe ruth. 9 00:00:25,402 --> 00:00:28,837 Well, baby ruth. 10 00:00:28,839 --> 00:00:31,173 - Maybe you two can kiss my sweet ass, 11 00:00:31,175 --> 00:00:34,609 Because this outfit's a home run. 12 00:00:34,611 --> 00:00:37,279 I'm putting a team together for the restaurant league. 13 00:00:37,281 --> 00:00:39,781 - Well, han, I would play, but you know, 14 00:00:39,783 --> 00:00:41,116 I've got this hip thing, 15 00:00:41,118 --> 00:00:43,718 Meaning, I'm too hip. 16 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,187 - What about you two? 17 00:00:45,189 --> 00:00:47,456 I'm telling you, I'm a great ball player. 18 00:00:47,458 --> 00:00:49,624 - No, I'm a great ball player. 19 00:00:49,626 --> 00:00:53,528 I know how to cup and tickle mine at the same time. 20 00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:57,466 - I'm talking about america's favorite pastime. 21 00:00:57,468 --> 00:00:59,835 - Oh, so am I. 22 00:01:02,872 --> 00:01:05,173 - Well, I'm in. I have a really good arm. 23 00:01:05,175 --> 00:01:08,210 Go over there, han. Let's have a little catch. 24 00:01:08,212 --> 00:01:11,046 All right, here we go. All right. 25 00:01:11,048 --> 00:01:14,149 Go deep. Go deeper, han. 26 00:01:14,151 --> 00:01:19,554 - A phrase no other woman will ever say to him. 27 00:01:19,556 --> 00:01:22,624 - Throw it, and don't be afraid to bring the heat. 28 00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:28,463 Ooh! 29 00:01:28,465 --> 00:01:30,799 - Too much heat. 30 00:01:30,801 --> 00:01:34,536 - Ball one...And two. Game over. 31 00:01:34,538 --> 00:01:39,040 - I seem to have forgotten a crucial part of my uniform. 32 00:01:39,042 --> 00:01:41,643 - Need a cup, han? 33 00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:45,313 - ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 34 00:01:45,315 --> 00:01:47,015 [cash register bell dings] 35 00:01:47,017 --> 00:01:51,153 ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 36 00:01:56,392 --> 00:01:57,826 - You ladies can wait in here. 37 00:01:57,828 --> 00:02:01,196 - Brian, before my father comes in, how are his spirits? 38 00:02:01,198 --> 00:02:02,731 You know, for someone who's looking 39 00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:04,599 At 60 to 100 years in prison? 40 00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:06,368 - Pretty good. 41 00:02:06,370 --> 00:02:08,003 I'll bring him right in. 42 00:02:08,005 --> 00:02:10,305 - Hey, bri, anyone get killed today? 43 00:02:10,307 --> 00:02:12,974 - You ask me that every time, max, and every time I tell you, 44 00:02:12,976 --> 00:02:14,910 It's a white collar prison. 45 00:02:14,912 --> 00:02:18,880 - Got it. Anyone get shanked with a mont blanc pen? 46 00:02:18,882 --> 00:02:21,216 Yo, b, one more thing. 47 00:02:21,218 --> 00:02:23,084 On lock up: Raw, they always spray the guards 48 00:02:23,086 --> 00:02:24,819 With a mixture of urine and feces, so-- 49 00:02:24,821 --> 00:02:27,889 - Max, please, can we go one day without you mentioning that? 50 00:02:27,891 --> 00:02:29,991 I wonder why my dad wanted us 51 00:02:29,993 --> 00:02:31,726 To rush out here and see him today. 52 00:02:31,728 --> 00:02:33,428 - He probably wants a conjugal visit. 53 00:02:33,430 --> 00:02:35,163 - Max! - Relax! 54 00:02:35,165 --> 00:02:38,667 With me. 55 00:02:38,669 --> 00:02:41,269 - There they are, the light of my life 56 00:02:41,271 --> 00:02:43,004 And her bouncer. - Hi, daddy. 57 00:02:43,006 --> 00:02:45,774 - Hey. Max. 58 00:02:45,776 --> 00:02:48,243 - Oh, we startin' this? No foreplay? 59 00:02:48,245 --> 00:02:51,846 - Oh. 60 00:02:51,848 --> 00:02:55,016 Listen, I'm sorry to make you come all the way out here 61 00:02:55,018 --> 00:03:00,488 On the--god help me--subway, but I actually need a favor. 62 00:03:01,657 --> 00:03:05,093 [quietly] help me break out. 63 00:03:05,095 --> 00:03:06,528 I'm kidding. 64 00:03:06,530 --> 00:03:08,697 - Daddy, it's so amazing you can joke, 65 00:03:08,699 --> 00:03:10,265 But maybe not around max. 66 00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:12,167 She's already offered to skin a guard alive 67 00:03:12,169 --> 00:03:14,269 And walk you out of here wearing him. 68 00:03:14,271 --> 00:03:17,205 - Well, we know it works. - [laughs] 69 00:03:17,207 --> 00:03:18,306 - All right, listen. 70 00:03:18,308 --> 00:03:19,574 This woman who used to work for me 71 00:03:19,576 --> 00:03:21,376 Is being paid a million dollars 72 00:03:21,378 --> 00:03:23,845 To write a tell-all book about me. 73 00:03:23,847 --> 00:03:25,880 - A million dollars? 74 00:03:25,882 --> 00:03:28,350 How much can I get for a tell-all book about caroline? 75 00:03:28,352 --> 00:03:31,353 Chapter one: "sleep farts." 76 00:03:31,355 --> 00:03:34,923 - Max, please, can we go one day without you mentioning that? 77 00:03:34,925 --> 00:03:37,859 - The woman's name is sandra rosenthal. 78 00:03:37,861 --> 00:03:39,127 Caroline, do you remember her? 79 00:03:39,129 --> 00:03:41,096 - Yes, the one who lied on her resume. 80 00:03:41,098 --> 00:03:43,465 The one who couldn't even add, and worse than that, 81 00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:46,601 She wore brown with black together. 82 00:03:46,603 --> 00:03:48,536 - I like brown and black together. 83 00:03:48,538 --> 00:03:51,072 - I know. 84 00:03:51,074 --> 00:03:54,142 Wait, why would anybody pay that woman so much? 85 00:03:54,144 --> 00:03:55,810 What is she saying she has on you? 86 00:03:55,812 --> 00:03:57,245 - Well, she's claiming she was fired 87 00:03:57,247 --> 00:03:58,713 Because she had insider information 88 00:03:58,715 --> 00:04:00,548 About the ponzi scandal, 89 00:04:00,550 --> 00:04:03,118 And that we were sleeping together, which we weren't. 90 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:04,886 - Of course you weren't. You would never 91 00:04:04,888 --> 00:04:07,522 Sleep with someone who wore brown with black together. 92 00:04:07,524 --> 00:04:09,524 - Man, I haven't seen this much hatred 93 00:04:09,526 --> 00:04:12,661 Toward brown and black since the '50s. 94 00:04:12,663 --> 00:04:14,863 - Anyway, I wanted you to hear it from me first, 95 00:04:14,865 --> 00:04:16,865 Because she's about to go on piers morgan live, 96 00:04:16,867 --> 00:04:18,967 And she can say whatever she wants. 97 00:04:18,969 --> 00:04:21,870 - No, she can't, because I'll be there to refute her lies. 98 00:04:21,872 --> 00:04:23,738 I'll defend you with dignity and class 99 00:04:23,740 --> 00:04:27,309 And my new lipstick I just found on the subway. 100 00:04:27,311 --> 00:04:30,078 - Wow, piers morgan. That dude's legit. 101 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:34,149 He's got a show, he's got piers 1 imports. 102 00:04:34,151 --> 00:04:37,185 - I don't know what I'd do without you, princess. 103 00:04:37,187 --> 00:04:39,921 You're the only person I can trust. 104 00:04:39,923 --> 00:04:41,656 Now, get out of here, 'cause I gotta speak to max 105 00:04:41,658 --> 00:04:43,124 Privately for a second. 106 00:04:43,126 --> 00:04:45,260 - Oh...Sure. 107 00:04:45,262 --> 00:04:46,494 Okay, I-- - just go. 108 00:04:46,496 --> 00:04:49,998 Daddy wants to talk to me privately. 109 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,666 - Love you, sweetie. - Love you, daddy. 110 00:04:51,668 --> 00:04:53,868 Brian, I'll just be right outside. 111 00:04:53,870 --> 00:04:55,970 [mouthing words] 112 00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:59,007 - So, max... 113 00:04:59,009 --> 00:05:01,743 - You know I'm all talk, right? 114 00:05:01,745 --> 00:05:03,812 - I need you to tell caroline something 115 00:05:03,814 --> 00:05:07,015 I couldn't bring myself to say. 116 00:05:07,017 --> 00:05:08,950 This woman is also claiming 117 00:05:08,952 --> 00:05:12,921 I have a small penis. 118 00:05:12,923 --> 00:05:14,856 - Wait. 119 00:05:14,858 --> 00:05:19,761 So I stayed behind to see it? 120 00:05:19,763 --> 00:05:23,164 - No. 121 00:05:23,166 --> 00:05:26,768 I want you to tell caroline so she'll be prepared, 122 00:05:26,770 --> 00:05:28,303 'cause I'm pretty sure that's the lie 123 00:05:28,305 --> 00:05:29,804 That got the book sold. 124 00:05:29,806 --> 00:05:31,840 - How big of a lie? 125 00:05:31,842 --> 00:05:36,845 - Oh, a really big one. 126 00:05:39,782 --> 00:05:42,717 - So what did you and my father talk about? 127 00:05:42,719 --> 00:05:44,819 - I don't want to tell you. I'm uncomfortable. 128 00:05:44,821 --> 00:05:47,222 - You'reuncomfortable? 129 00:05:47,224 --> 00:05:48,790 This must be bad. 130 00:05:48,792 --> 00:05:50,558 You've never been uncomfortable in your life. 131 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,827 Is it drugs? Cancer? 132 00:05:52,829 --> 00:05:54,896 Oh! Did he fall in love in prison? 133 00:05:54,898 --> 00:05:56,531 I'll be fine with it. You can tell me. 134 00:05:56,533 --> 00:05:58,233 When we had money, I was very active 135 00:05:58,235 --> 00:06:02,303 In the park avenue straights for gay doormen alliance. 136 00:06:02,305 --> 00:06:07,642 [cheering and whooping] 137 00:06:07,644 --> 00:06:09,310 - Is this some kind of weird gang, 138 00:06:09,312 --> 00:06:11,246 Or did a game just let out? 139 00:06:11,248 --> 00:06:13,214 - Max, come on. Tell me. 140 00:06:13,216 --> 00:06:16,151 - Fine, the woman's gonna say your father has a small-- 141 00:06:16,153 --> 00:06:17,819 [horn blares] 142 00:06:17,821 --> 00:06:22,457 - Sir, your vuvuzela is very loud, and very 2010. 143 00:06:22,459 --> 00:06:23,992 My father has a what? 144 00:06:23,994 --> 00:06:25,393 - He has a small-- 145 00:06:25,395 --> 00:06:27,128 [horn blares] 146 00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:29,230 - Seriously, the game's over. 147 00:06:29,232 --> 00:06:32,233 And how on earth you have a wedding ring is beyond me. 148 00:06:32,235 --> 00:06:33,568 What is she gonna say about him? 149 00:06:33,570 --> 00:06:35,670 [horns blaring] 150 00:06:35,672 --> 00:06:38,773 I can't hear you! - She's going to say... 151 00:06:38,775 --> 00:06:42,944 Your father has a small penis! 152 00:06:42,946 --> 00:06:45,647 He thought it'd be less awkward if I told you. 153 00:06:45,649 --> 00:06:46,948 Was it? 154 00:06:46,950 --> 00:06:49,451 - I can't believe that sandra rosenthal woman. 155 00:06:49,453 --> 00:06:51,686 There's another lie. - Why, have you seen it? 156 00:06:51,688 --> 00:06:54,289 - No, I haven't seen it! I never want to see it. 157 00:06:54,291 --> 00:06:56,090 Have you seen your father's penis? 158 00:06:56,092 --> 00:06:58,660 - If I did, it was waving good-bye. 159 00:07:04,366 --> 00:07:05,733 - Max, I've thought a lot about it, 160 00:07:05,735 --> 00:07:07,335 And I can't sit there while that woman 161 00:07:07,337 --> 00:07:10,505 Waves my father's penis in piers morgan's face. 162 00:07:10,507 --> 00:07:12,574 - You're lucky it's not anderson cooper, 163 00:07:12,576 --> 00:07:15,243 'cause he'd be giggling up a storm. 164 00:07:15,245 --> 00:07:16,845 - I have a plan. 165 00:07:16,847 --> 00:07:19,581 My goal on this show is gonna be to discredit that woman 166 00:07:19,583 --> 00:07:22,016 And tell people, even though my father did a bad thing, 167 00:07:22,018 --> 00:07:23,785 He did some wonderful things as well. 168 00:07:23,787 --> 00:07:26,554 Look, here he is working with unicef. 169 00:07:26,556 --> 00:07:29,157 Here he is rebuilding haiti. 170 00:07:29,159 --> 00:07:31,693 Oh, this is just a cute picture of him water-skiing 171 00:07:31,695 --> 00:07:33,428 At a charity event on lake tahoe. 172 00:07:33,430 --> 00:07:37,098 - What's the charity? White men without golf clubs? 173 00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:39,067 - So that's my plan, and hopefully, 174 00:07:39,069 --> 00:07:40,535 Going on that show will put an end 175 00:07:40,537 --> 00:07:43,071 To all these ridiculous rumors about my father. 176 00:07:43,073 --> 00:07:47,942 - Hey, caroline. 177 00:07:47,944 --> 00:07:50,311 Yeah. 178 00:07:50,313 --> 00:07:54,048 The word on the street is your dad's got a weenis. 179 00:07:54,050 --> 00:07:56,551 - Sophie, how did you hear about that? 180 00:07:56,553 --> 00:07:58,286 - Oleg told me. 181 00:07:58,288 --> 00:08:01,189 - It came up on my google penis alerts. 182 00:08:01,191 --> 00:08:03,858 I like to keep current, see what the trends are. 183 00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:05,627 You don't want to be that middle-aged guy 184 00:08:05,629 --> 00:08:08,696 Wearing the same penis you had in high school. 185 00:08:08,698 --> 00:08:11,432 - Great, now, it's all over the internet 186 00:08:11,434 --> 00:08:13,668 And my shoulders are all up around my ears. 187 00:08:13,670 --> 00:08:16,371 Look, I'm too tense to even shake my head "no" 188 00:08:16,373 --> 00:08:19,374 At that liar woman, which was gonna be my key move. 189 00:08:19,376 --> 00:08:22,710 I need a massage, but I'm broke. 190 00:08:22,712 --> 00:08:25,046 - Caroline, I'll give you a massage. 191 00:08:25,048 --> 00:08:28,449 - Get ready for a sad ending. 192 00:08:28,451 --> 00:08:32,320 And beginning, and middle. 193 00:08:32,322 --> 00:08:33,922 - There. 194 00:08:33,924 --> 00:08:36,257 Oh, yeah. 195 00:08:36,259 --> 00:08:38,059 How does that feel? 196 00:08:38,061 --> 00:08:42,397 - Like baby spiders are dancing on my shoulders. 197 00:08:42,399 --> 00:08:44,632 - You're the first asian I've seen 198 00:08:44,634 --> 00:08:47,268 That can't give a massage. 199 00:08:50,372 --> 00:08:53,141 Hey, caroline, I'll treat you and max 200 00:08:53,143 --> 00:08:55,243 To a massage at my fancy spa. 201 00:08:55,245 --> 00:08:57,612 - [gasps] cool! I've never been to a spa. 202 00:08:57,614 --> 00:08:59,380 The closest I've been is sticking my arm 203 00:08:59,382 --> 00:09:02,884 In the free blood pressure machine at walgreens. 204 00:09:02,886 --> 00:09:07,055 - Wait, that's for your arm? 205 00:09:10,726 --> 00:09:13,094 - Thanks for the massage, han. It was very nice-- 206 00:09:13,096 --> 00:09:15,663 Oh, you're still doing it. I had no idea. 207 00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:24,472 - That was a-mazing! 208 00:09:24,474 --> 00:09:26,808 I mean, a guy rubbed me for an hour 209 00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:29,978 And didn't expect anything back? 210 00:09:29,980 --> 00:09:33,114 This massage stuff could catch on. 211 00:09:33,116 --> 00:09:36,684 - I could not let go during my massage. 212 00:09:36,686 --> 00:09:39,587 - Oh, was letting go an option? 213 00:09:39,589 --> 00:09:41,923 I was close, but I didn't want to get halfway there 214 00:09:41,925 --> 00:09:44,525 And have the management throw me out or something. 215 00:09:44,527 --> 00:09:46,027 - I'm just so tense. 216 00:09:46,029 --> 00:09:47,962 Piers morgan asks some difficult questions. 217 00:09:47,964 --> 00:09:50,465 Last week, he asked the spring breakecast 218 00:09:50,467 --> 00:09:53,635 Their thoughts on the north korea situation. 219 00:09:53,637 --> 00:09:54,869 - Shh! 220 00:09:54,871 --> 00:09:56,437 - Sorry. 221 00:09:56,439 --> 00:09:59,173 Max, this is a quiet room. We have to be quiet. 222 00:09:59,175 --> 00:10:01,676 - Hi, girls! 223 00:10:01,678 --> 00:10:05,046 Oh, I'm getting myself some fancy water. 224 00:10:05,048 --> 00:10:08,716 Look, they got lemon, orange, and cucumber. 225 00:10:08,718 --> 00:10:12,687 Ha! It's like a slot machine over here. 226 00:10:12,689 --> 00:10:15,089 - Shh! 227 00:10:19,628 --> 00:10:23,464 - Oh, I just had the best bamboo massage. 228 00:10:23,466 --> 00:10:25,533 Oh, they kept whacking me with it 229 00:10:25,535 --> 00:10:30,438 Until I confessed to stealing that bread when I was seven. 230 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,207 Oh, what a load off. 231 00:10:33,209 --> 00:10:36,678 Caroline, you still look a little tense, 232 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,347 But I guess having to talk about your father's junk 233 00:10:39,349 --> 00:10:43,685 On national television will do that to a girl. 234 00:10:43,687 --> 00:10:46,320 - I will not be speaking about my father's "junk" 235 00:10:46,322 --> 00:10:47,722 On television. 236 00:10:47,724 --> 00:10:50,692 - No, I can't have lunch tomorrow. 237 00:10:50,694 --> 00:10:53,795 I'm doing piers morgan live. 238 00:10:55,397 --> 00:10:58,332 - You won't believe what just happened. 239 00:10:58,334 --> 00:11:01,269 - You joined a demonic cult? 240 00:11:01,271 --> 00:11:03,571 - Sandra, the liar writing the tell-all book, 241 00:11:03,573 --> 00:11:05,440 Just walked in. - [gasps] 242 00:11:05,442 --> 00:11:07,975 She's getting a day of beauty too? 243 00:11:07,977 --> 00:11:11,479 This is like the gayest training for a fight ever. 244 00:11:11,481 --> 00:11:13,648 - Sandra? 245 00:11:13,650 --> 00:11:15,183 Right this way. 246 00:11:15,185 --> 00:11:16,851 Lay face down. 247 00:11:16,853 --> 00:11:19,253 I'll give you a few minutes and I'll be right back in. 248 00:11:19,255 --> 00:11:21,189 - Perfect. I really need this massage. 249 00:11:21,191 --> 00:11:23,124 Promoting my new book is exhausting. 250 00:11:23,126 --> 00:11:24,692 I'm sorry if that sounded braggy, 251 00:11:24,694 --> 00:11:26,127 But I guess that's how you sound 252 00:11:26,129 --> 00:11:28,429 When things are going so great for you. 253 00:11:28,431 --> 00:11:31,365 - Ugh! That poor masseuse is gonna be forced 254 00:11:31,367 --> 00:11:33,868 To listen to her yammer on about her dumb book. 255 00:11:33,870 --> 00:11:36,304 But then again, mine had to hear me constantly say, 256 00:11:36,306 --> 00:11:40,208 "don't be afraid of the boobs." 257 00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:42,977 - We should be hearing about that dumb book 258 00:11:42,979 --> 00:11:44,545 So I know what I'm up against. 259 00:11:44,547 --> 00:11:47,148 If there was only a way to get in that room. 260 00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:52,787 - Oh, anyone can get into any room if they really want to. 261 00:11:52,789 --> 00:11:54,889 I mean, do you think that I was invited 262 00:11:54,891 --> 00:11:58,292 To the audition for the 2004 boat show? 263 00:11:58,294 --> 00:12:00,495 Yeah. Go. 264 00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:02,730 I'll take care of that masseuse. 265 00:12:02,732 --> 00:12:04,932 - Sophie, you're not gonna hurt her, right? 266 00:12:04,934 --> 00:12:08,603 - No. I'm gonna try tipping her first. 267 00:12:16,979 --> 00:12:19,480 - I'm back. 268 00:12:19,482 --> 00:12:21,883 Yes, I was just out in the hall with you, 269 00:12:21,885 --> 00:12:24,385 Now, here I am in the room with you, 270 00:12:24,387 --> 00:12:26,954 The same person. 271 00:12:26,956 --> 00:12:32,260 Just keep your head down, don't look up, and relax. 272 00:12:32,262 --> 00:12:34,228 - You're not gonna talk a lot, are you? 273 00:12:34,230 --> 00:12:37,064 - No, but you should feel free to. 274 00:12:37,066 --> 00:12:39,934 Whatever's on your mind or in in that book. 275 00:12:39,936 --> 00:12:41,335 [chimes jingling] - what? 276 00:12:41,337 --> 00:12:42,904 What was that? 277 00:12:42,906 --> 00:12:44,205 - That? 278 00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:46,407 That's just me, alone, 279 00:12:46,409 --> 00:12:49,243 Creating a healing space with energy and sound. 280 00:12:49,245 --> 00:12:50,611 [chimes jingling] 281 00:12:50,613 --> 00:12:53,414 Lots of sound. 282 00:12:53,416 --> 00:12:56,317 So you're writing a big book. 283 00:12:56,319 --> 00:12:58,986 Do you want to tell me all about that? 284 00:12:58,988 --> 00:13:01,189 - Well, it's about this guy, martin channing. 285 00:13:01,191 --> 00:13:06,527 - Oh, he is very nice and very respectable. 286 00:13:06,529 --> 00:13:08,529 - You won't think that after you read my book. 287 00:13:08,531 --> 00:13:10,932 I am really gonna stick it to him. 288 00:13:10,934 --> 00:13:12,667 Okay, now, you're just pushing me. 289 00:13:12,669 --> 00:13:14,735 Ugh! 290 00:13:15,871 --> 00:13:18,439 Uh, how did you-- 291 00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:26,247 Uh...How-- how did you do that? 292 00:13:26,249 --> 00:13:29,317 It feels like you have three hands. 293 00:13:32,888 --> 00:13:36,390 - That's how good I am. 294 00:13:36,392 --> 00:13:38,793 - This is supposed to be a hot stone massage. 295 00:13:38,795 --> 00:13:40,761 - Comin' right up. 296 00:13:40,763 --> 00:13:42,597 [chimes jingling] 297 00:13:42,599 --> 00:13:44,665 The hot stones. 298 00:13:47,569 --> 00:13:50,304 [chimes jingling] - oh! 299 00:13:52,808 --> 00:13:56,711 - All right, here come the ho-o-ot stones. 300 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,314 - Oh! 301 00:14:00,316 --> 00:14:03,384 Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's nice. 302 00:14:03,386 --> 00:14:04,986 I'm really loosening up. 303 00:14:04,988 --> 00:14:06,988 - Oh, well, then let's loosen you up some more. 304 00:14:06,990 --> 00:14:08,222 More stones. 305 00:14:08,224 --> 00:14:09,490 - [mouthing words] 306 00:14:09,492 --> 00:14:11,826 - More stones! 307 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:18,633 - Yeah, I'm got paid a lot of money for my tell-all book, 308 00:14:18,635 --> 00:14:20,902 And I am really gonna tell all. 309 00:14:20,904 --> 00:14:25,473 Oh! Not there! Not there. 310 00:14:25,475 --> 00:14:27,742 What? What is going on in here? 311 00:14:27,744 --> 00:14:30,177 - Well, what is happening here, sandra, 312 00:14:30,179 --> 00:14:32,046 Is you're about to go on national tv 313 00:14:32,048 --> 00:14:33,814 And tell america lies about my father. 314 00:14:33,816 --> 00:14:35,216 He never slept with you. 315 00:14:35,218 --> 00:14:38,319 - Oh. Did he never sleep with me in your bedroom, 316 00:14:38,321 --> 00:14:40,988 On your pink canopy bed? 317 00:14:40,990 --> 00:14:43,357 - You know what? That never happened. 318 00:14:43,359 --> 00:14:45,326 That's insane. You're crazy. 319 00:14:45,328 --> 00:14:46,894 - Well, it's my word against yours. 320 00:14:46,896 --> 00:14:49,330 You're gonna be very embarrassed on tv. 321 00:14:49,332 --> 00:14:51,866 But not as embarrassed as you're going to be in the spa lobby, 322 00:14:51,868 --> 00:14:54,769 When I tell everyone that I was touched inappropriately 323 00:14:54,771 --> 00:14:56,671 By caroline channing. 324 00:14:56,673 --> 00:14:58,940 - You are not gonna tell anybody that. 325 00:14:58,942 --> 00:15:00,574 - Who's gonna stop me? 326 00:15:00,576 --> 00:15:02,243 - Hey, girls. 327 00:15:02,245 --> 00:15:04,512 I was listening outside the door. 328 00:15:04,514 --> 00:15:08,149 [low voice] everything okay? 329 00:15:14,656 --> 00:15:16,557 - Max, I don't know if I can do this. 330 00:15:16,559 --> 00:15:18,192 What if sandra's telling the truth? 331 00:15:18,194 --> 00:15:19,927 She did know about my pink canopy bed. 332 00:15:19,929 --> 00:15:21,562 How would she know that? 333 00:15:21,564 --> 00:15:24,265 - Because everyone knows barbie comes with a dream car, 334 00:15:24,267 --> 00:15:27,435 A pony, and a pink canopy bed included. 335 00:15:27,437 --> 00:15:30,771 - There he is. There's piers morgan, live. 336 00:15:30,773 --> 00:15:32,173 - [gasps] 337 00:15:32,175 --> 00:15:33,674 Do you think it's too soon to ask him 338 00:15:33,676 --> 00:15:36,410 To give me a discount at piers 1? 339 00:15:36,412 --> 00:15:40,281 - He looks dignified, like he's not gonna ask about a penis. 340 00:15:40,283 --> 00:15:43,084 But what if he does? Max, I can't do this. 341 00:15:43,086 --> 00:15:44,885 - Give me your phone. 342 00:15:44,887 --> 00:15:46,454 You need to remind yourself 343 00:15:46,456 --> 00:15:48,389 Of the person your father used to be. 344 00:15:48,391 --> 00:15:50,691 Look, here he is working with unicef. 345 00:15:50,693 --> 00:15:54,362 And here he is water-skiing on "lake rich person." 346 00:15:54,364 --> 00:15:58,032 Look at that smile. Is that the smile of--hold up. 347 00:15:58,034 --> 00:16:00,768 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 348 00:16:00,770 --> 00:16:05,306 What's coming out of the left leg of his swim shorts? 349 00:16:05,308 --> 00:16:07,308 I think your father's junk is trying to tell me 350 00:16:07,310 --> 00:16:10,344 There's gonna be six more weeks of winter. 351 00:16:10,346 --> 00:16:12,513 - What are you saying? 352 00:16:12,515 --> 00:16:15,516 - I'm saying, someone had a tip slip, 353 00:16:15,518 --> 00:16:19,186 And that is not a small tip. 354 00:16:19,188 --> 00:16:21,355 And as a waitress and a loose woman, 355 00:16:21,357 --> 00:16:24,892 I know a small tip when I see one. 356 00:16:24,894 --> 00:16:27,795 Here. - Oh! 357 00:16:28,997 --> 00:16:30,898 Sorry, sorry. 358 00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:34,602 She just showed me a picture of anne hathaway's new haircut. 359 00:16:37,506 --> 00:16:40,674 Well, this is good, because it proves that woman is lying. 360 00:16:40,676 --> 00:16:42,877 - Yep, you just have to show this to piers. 361 00:16:42,879 --> 00:16:47,314 - I told you, I'm not going near my father's penis. 362 00:16:47,316 --> 00:16:48,983 All I have to do is point out 363 00:16:48,985 --> 00:16:51,018 That that woman has no finance skills. 364 00:16:51,020 --> 00:16:53,187 Unlike her, we are taking the high road. 365 00:16:53,189 --> 00:16:55,423 Max, are you sending that to yourself? 366 00:16:59,761 --> 00:17:01,295 - I'm here with sandra rosenthal, 367 00:17:01,297 --> 00:17:02,897 Who's just signed a huge book deal 368 00:17:02,899 --> 00:17:04,131 To do a kiss-and-tell 369 00:17:04,133 --> 00:17:06,300 On disgraced financier martin channing. 370 00:17:06,302 --> 00:17:07,401 Welcome to you, sandra. 371 00:17:07,403 --> 00:17:08,602 - Hello, piers. 372 00:17:08,604 --> 00:17:10,738 Thank you for allowing me to tell my story. 373 00:17:10,740 --> 00:17:12,640 - It's a story, all right. 374 00:17:12,642 --> 00:17:15,142 - Wow, so we're right into it. Okay, well, let me catch up. 375 00:17:15,144 --> 00:17:16,977 My other guest is caroline channing, 376 00:17:16,979 --> 00:17:19,580 Daughter of martin channing, who, to put it mildly, 377 00:17:19,582 --> 00:17:21,782 Is claiming that your book, ms. Rosenthal, 378 00:17:21,784 --> 00:17:23,584 Is a bunch of bull. 379 00:17:23,586 --> 00:17:24,919 - That's right, piers. 380 00:17:24,921 --> 00:17:26,153 [english accent] it's pure rubbish, 381 00:17:26,155 --> 00:17:27,922 [normal voice] as your people say. 382 00:17:27,924 --> 00:17:32,326 - That was perfectly american. 383 00:17:32,328 --> 00:17:33,828 Right, then, let me start with you. 384 00:17:33,830 --> 00:17:35,362 Well, to catch everybody up, ms. Rosenthal's 385 00:17:35,364 --> 00:17:37,331 Large book advance really has to do with something 386 00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:40,668 That turned out to be, by your words, very small. 387 00:17:40,670 --> 00:17:41,969 Comments, ms. Channing? 388 00:17:41,971 --> 00:17:45,606 - Psst! Psst! 389 00:17:45,608 --> 00:17:47,875 - I'd rather not comment about that, piers, 390 00:17:47,877 --> 00:17:49,944 Because I have class, but I do have a question 391 00:17:49,946 --> 00:17:52,446 For ms. Rosenthal, who was hired by my father 392 00:17:52,448 --> 00:17:54,682 Because she claimed she had a degree in finance. 393 00:17:54,684 --> 00:17:58,018 Ms. Rosenthal, if a train carrying 27 passengers 394 00:17:58,020 --> 00:18:00,421 Leaves grand central station at 9:00 a.M., 395 00:18:00,423 --> 00:18:04,058 Travels 800 miles to chicago, arriving at 5:00 p.M., 396 00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:06,227 How fast was it traveling? 397 00:18:06,229 --> 00:18:07,528 - Well, I-- 398 00:18:07,530 --> 00:18:09,196 - Simple math, piers. 399 00:18:09,198 --> 00:18:11,932 - 100 miles an hour. - I'm sorry? 400 00:18:11,934 --> 00:18:15,102 - That's your answer. Sorry, I'm a bit of a mathlete. 401 00:18:15,104 --> 00:18:16,537 - Impressive. 402 00:18:16,539 --> 00:18:18,739 - I've got a math equation for you. 403 00:18:18,741 --> 00:18:21,575 If a 3-inch train is entering a tunnel, 404 00:18:21,577 --> 00:18:24,645 Do I even know it's there? 405 00:18:24,647 --> 00:18:26,614 - Ladies, this isn't maury povich. 406 00:18:26,616 --> 00:18:28,816 - Psst! Psst! 407 00:18:28,818 --> 00:18:30,651 - Piers, I am simply trying to illustrate 408 00:18:30,653 --> 00:18:32,219 That she should have been able to answer it, 409 00:18:32,221 --> 00:18:36,757 Had she been qualified for her job in finance. 410 00:18:36,759 --> 00:18:39,326 - Everything that I am writing in the book is true, piers. 411 00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:41,162 There is nothing that I have said 412 00:18:41,164 --> 00:18:43,230 That she can prove is untrue. 413 00:18:46,935 --> 00:18:51,071 - Wait a minute, why is there a woman under my desk? 414 00:18:51,073 --> 00:18:53,274 - Oh, is there, piers? 415 00:18:53,276 --> 00:18:55,910 Yes, my father defrauded a lot of people, 416 00:18:55,912 --> 00:18:57,578 And he's paying a price for that, 417 00:18:57,580 --> 00:18:59,713 But I'm not gonna sit by silently while she exploits him 418 00:18:59,715 --> 00:19:01,415 With lies for her own gain. 419 00:19:01,417 --> 00:19:03,417 Piers, there's so much about my father 420 00:19:03,419 --> 00:19:05,486 I want you to know, like he-- 421 00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:12,626 - What is this? 422 00:19:12,628 --> 00:19:15,062 Well...I know what this is. 423 00:19:15,064 --> 00:19:16,897 I've got one. 424 00:19:16,899 --> 00:19:19,233 But whose is it, and why am I looking at it? 425 00:19:19,235 --> 00:19:21,635 - It's my father's. 426 00:19:21,637 --> 00:19:25,172 He had a bit of a tip slip. 427 00:19:25,174 --> 00:19:27,708 - Madam, I don't know what you're looking for in a man, 428 00:19:27,710 --> 00:19:30,244 But this... 429 00:19:30,246 --> 00:19:34,381 Is far from inadequate. 430 00:19:34,383 --> 00:19:36,917 In fact, it's so far from inadequate, 431 00:19:36,919 --> 00:19:39,119 That I'm bringing this interview to an immediate close. 432 00:19:39,121 --> 00:19:42,256 Your book and you lack any credibility. 433 00:19:42,258 --> 00:19:45,459 That's it. 434 00:19:47,929 --> 00:19:52,366 "can you hook me up with a discount at piers 1 imports?" 435 00:19:56,871 --> 00:19:58,305 - Hey, you know, they'll probably come to you 436 00:19:58,307 --> 00:20:00,040 One day and want a tell-all book. 437 00:20:00,042 --> 00:20:03,644 Remember, we already have chapter one, "sleep farts." 438 00:20:03,646 --> 00:20:07,181 Chapter two: "my new stepmom max." 439 00:20:09,217 --> 00:20:12,253 - Max, am I gonna have to defend my father forever? 440 00:20:12,255 --> 00:20:15,089 - Probably, but don't worry, I'll be there to help. 441 00:20:15,091 --> 00:20:16,257 - Thank you. 442 00:20:16,259 --> 00:20:17,258 - 'cause it's a wife's job 443 00:20:17,260 --> 00:20:19,760 To defend her husband. 444 00:20:19,762 --> 00:20:22,763 - It makes me sad to think he's gonna be in prison 445 00:20:22,765 --> 00:20:24,598 For the rest of his life. 446 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,234 - Don't think of it like that. He's not just in prison. 447 00:20:27,236 --> 00:20:29,637 He's in africa working with unicef, 448 00:20:29,639 --> 00:20:33,173 He's in haiti, he's water-skiing on "lake rich person," 449 00:20:33,175 --> 00:20:38,012 And he's on the desktop of my computer. 450 00:20:38,014 --> 00:20:40,047 - I should delete that. 451 00:20:40,049 --> 00:20:45,119 Where'd I leave my phone? 452 00:20:45,121 --> 00:20:47,454 Oh, god, are you guys looking at the picture of my dad? 453 00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:51,091 - We are. Respect. 454 00:20:51,093 --> 00:20:54,328 - So very much respect. 455 00:20:54,330 --> 00:20:57,698 - Eh, I've seen better. 456 00:20:57,700 --> 00:21:01,335 Every day. 457 00:21:02,737 --> 00:21:04,004 - Give me that. 458 00:21:04,006 --> 00:21:06,073 Oh!