1 00:00:03,379 --> 00:00:07,249 - Get the birthday candle ready, 'cause... 2 00:00:07,251 --> 00:00:10,886 Here comes chestnut's carrot cake! 3 00:00:10,888 --> 00:00:13,055 - I know we want this to be special, 4 00:00:13,057 --> 00:00:14,389 But chestnut is a horse. 5 00:00:14,391 --> 00:00:16,391 Any day he's not being made into an ikea meatball 6 00:00:16,393 --> 00:00:19,728 Is a birthday. 7 00:00:19,730 --> 00:00:22,097 - And remember, even though it's his tenth birthday, 8 00:00:22,099 --> 00:00:25,600 We have to pretend he's six or he'll be in a bad mood all week. 9 00:00:28,371 --> 00:00:29,771 Surprise! 10 00:00:29,773 --> 00:00:33,175 Both: Happy birthday, chestnut! 11 00:00:33,177 --> 00:00:35,077 - Max! He was supposed to do that! 12 00:00:35,079 --> 00:00:37,112 - What? I know what he wished for. 13 00:00:37,114 --> 00:00:39,214 That one day, he and I live in a world 14 00:00:39,216 --> 00:00:40,682 Where our love is recognized 15 00:00:40,684 --> 00:00:43,251 And we have the same rights as gay couples. 16 00:00:43,253 --> 00:00:45,921 - There you go, baby. 17 00:00:45,923 --> 00:00:48,356 - Hey, look, his shoe just fell off. 18 00:00:48,358 --> 00:00:52,260 Or maybe he kicked it off 'cause he's getting ready to par-tay. 19 00:00:52,262 --> 00:00:54,296 - What are we gonna do? 20 00:00:54,298 --> 00:00:55,530 We don't have any money. 21 00:00:55,532 --> 00:00:57,132 I wanted a massage last week, 22 00:00:57,134 --> 00:00:58,633 So I just sat next to someone on the bus 23 00:00:58,635 --> 00:01:00,802 Who looked like he'd touch me. 24 00:01:00,804 --> 00:01:03,905 - I may have an idea how we can get 'em. 25 00:01:03,907 --> 00:01:06,842 A guy I picked up at oktoberfest is a blacksmith. 26 00:01:06,844 --> 00:01:08,276 At least I think he was. 27 00:01:08,278 --> 00:01:10,278 I remember a leather apron and something being heated 28 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:13,281 In a fire. 29 00:01:13,283 --> 00:01:15,650 - ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 30 00:01:15,652 --> 00:01:17,285 [cash register bell dings] 31 00:01:17,287 --> 00:01:22,357 ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 32 00:01:26,395 --> 00:01:28,196 - Well, I found my blacksmith. 33 00:01:28,198 --> 00:01:29,731 He now shares an artisan barn 34 00:01:29,733 --> 00:01:33,135 With a lady who makes clothing out of bees. 35 00:01:33,137 --> 00:01:35,137 - I guess that's why our cupcake shop didn't work. 36 00:01:35,139 --> 00:01:38,273 We weren't providing a service that everyone needs. 37 00:01:38,275 --> 00:01:39,641 - I looked at our boy, 38 00:01:39,643 --> 00:01:42,144 And not only does chestnut need four new shoes, 39 00:01:42,146 --> 00:01:43,645 He has a hoof fungus. 40 00:01:43,647 --> 00:01:47,015 - A hoof fungus? That's so ghetto. 41 00:01:47,017 --> 00:01:48,617 - I'm pretty sure he got it from me 42 00:01:48,619 --> 00:01:51,286 Because we shower together. 43 00:01:51,288 --> 00:01:54,389 And the cost of new shoes and vet fee? $1,400. 44 00:01:54,391 --> 00:01:56,158 - [sighs] max, I feel awful. 45 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:57,659 I'm a bad mother. 46 00:01:57,661 --> 00:01:58,894 - You're not a bad mother. 47 00:01:58,896 --> 00:02:02,731 I know bad mothers. I came out of one. 48 00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:05,167 - Ladies, what's happening over there? 49 00:02:05,169 --> 00:02:07,502 You know a gathering of more than two white people 50 00:02:07,504 --> 00:02:10,372 Makes me nervous. 51 00:02:10,374 --> 00:02:11,706 - Earl, one of them's asian. 52 00:02:11,708 --> 00:02:14,543 - Ah, same thing. 53 00:02:14,545 --> 00:02:16,144 - Who would I talk to about the diner? 54 00:02:16,146 --> 00:02:17,979 We're interested in renting this location 55 00:02:17,981 --> 00:02:19,414 To film a tv show. 56 00:02:19,416 --> 00:02:22,617 We think your diner would be a great place to kill someone. 57 00:02:22,619 --> 00:02:23,852 - I get it. 58 00:02:23,854 --> 00:02:25,787 'cause every time I come in here, I die a little. 59 00:02:25,789 --> 00:02:27,389 - Here's my card. 60 00:02:27,391 --> 00:02:29,090 Tom woo, law & order: Special victims unit. 61 00:02:29,092 --> 00:02:32,494 - Shut your face, tom woo! 62 00:02:32,496 --> 00:02:36,298 I love all the law & orders, especially svu. 63 00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:38,300 Their stories are ripped from the headlines, 64 00:02:38,302 --> 00:02:39,768 And I don't read the newspaper, 65 00:02:39,770 --> 00:02:41,703 So that's where I get all my news. 66 00:02:41,705 --> 00:02:43,271 - Cool. Let me go get the director. 67 00:02:43,273 --> 00:02:44,773 That's him over there. 68 00:02:44,775 --> 00:02:49,110 - Look how cute the director is. He's my rugged guy type. 69 00:02:49,112 --> 00:02:50,645 Not really rugged at all, 70 00:02:50,647 --> 00:02:52,147 But buys expensive, rugged-looking clothing 71 00:02:52,149 --> 00:02:54,049 From saks 5th avenue. 72 00:02:54,051 --> 00:02:56,585 - Hi. Dj kingsley. 73 00:02:56,587 --> 00:02:57,786 - Nice beard. 74 00:02:57,788 --> 00:02:59,054 You grow out that stubble 75 00:02:59,056 --> 00:03:01,156 Or just set your razor to "jason statham." 76 00:03:01,158 --> 00:03:02,991 - Excuse me, sir. 77 00:03:02,993 --> 00:03:04,492 You've got a great face. 78 00:03:04,494 --> 00:03:06,127 Have you ever done any extra work? 79 00:03:06,129 --> 00:03:08,496 - Well, I was in the 1973 classic 80 00:03:08,498 --> 00:03:11,433 Scream, blackula, scream. 81 00:03:11,435 --> 00:03:14,102 Pam grier kicked me in the nuts 82 00:03:14,104 --> 00:03:17,205 And called me a "jive turkey." 83 00:03:17,207 --> 00:03:18,540 - If you'd consider it, 84 00:03:18,542 --> 00:03:20,008 I'd love to have your look in the episode. 85 00:03:20,010 --> 00:03:21,309 - Hey, what about me? 86 00:03:21,311 --> 00:03:23,311 You can shave my head, drag me behind a car, 87 00:03:23,313 --> 00:03:25,614 Or anything else I've already done for free. 88 00:03:25,616 --> 00:03:28,350 - Sure. And you must be an actress. 89 00:03:28,352 --> 00:03:30,552 You're way too pretty to just be a waitress. 90 00:03:30,554 --> 00:03:32,287 - Thank you! 91 00:03:32,289 --> 00:03:35,323 In fact I have done a little acting. 92 00:03:35,325 --> 00:03:40,929 In high school, I portrayed fantine in les miserables. 93 00:03:40,931 --> 00:03:45,033 - Just hearing you say that makes me "miser-obble." 94 00:03:45,035 --> 00:03:46,801 - Well, how about it? 95 00:03:46,803 --> 00:03:49,070 You wanna hang with me and be an extra on special victims unit? 96 00:03:49,072 --> 00:03:50,438 - It pays 112 a day 97 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,173 Plus whatever you normally make in tips. 98 00:03:52,175 --> 00:03:55,176 - Oh, so about 115? I'm in. 99 00:03:55,178 --> 00:03:57,679 Mama needs a new pair of horseshoes. 100 00:03:57,681 --> 00:03:59,347 - So where's the boss? 101 00:03:59,349 --> 00:04:02,417 - I'm the boss, but I'll get the guy who owns the place. 102 00:04:02,419 --> 00:04:04,219 Oleg! 103 00:04:04,221 --> 00:04:05,553 They're shooting a tv show here, 104 00:04:05,555 --> 00:04:06,921 And the back of my head or the side of my boob 105 00:04:06,923 --> 00:04:08,390 Is gonna be in it! 106 00:04:08,392 --> 00:04:10,058 - Good for you, max. 107 00:04:10,060 --> 00:04:12,260 I was on ukraine's version of big brother once, 108 00:04:12,262 --> 00:04:15,297 Better known as just living in ukraine. 109 00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:19,601 - Han! Law and order: Special victims unit 110 00:04:19,603 --> 00:04:21,703 Wants to shoot in the diner, and if you don't say yes, 111 00:04:21,705 --> 00:04:24,773 You'll be my special victim when I cut your unit off. 112 00:04:24,775 --> 00:04:26,775 - Please say yes, han. 113 00:04:26,777 --> 00:04:28,510 They're gonna pay us to be in the background. 114 00:04:28,512 --> 00:04:30,278 - But do you know how to act? 115 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,213 - Actually we do. 116 00:04:32,215 --> 00:04:36,551 My acting's method, whereas hers is more meth head. 117 00:04:36,553 --> 00:04:38,620 [knocking on door] 118 00:04:38,622 --> 00:04:40,021 - Hey, come in. 119 00:04:40,023 --> 00:04:42,791 And remember, if he says no, he doesn't mean it. 120 00:04:42,793 --> 00:04:44,859 He just wants you to flirt with him a little bit. 121 00:04:44,861 --> 00:04:46,294 - Not so fast, max. 122 00:04:46,296 --> 00:04:49,531 Hello, I'm han lee, the owner and proprietor. 123 00:04:49,533 --> 00:04:50,765 - Oh, "proprietor." 124 00:04:50,767 --> 00:04:53,134 That's word's bigger than you are. 125 00:04:53,136 --> 00:04:55,637 - What kinda compensation do you want? 126 00:04:55,639 --> 00:04:58,773 - Whoa, whoa, my asian brother. 127 00:04:58,775 --> 00:05:01,076 Slow down! Let's enjoy the dance. 128 00:05:01,078 --> 00:05:02,544 - We'd like to shoot here. 129 00:05:02,546 --> 00:05:04,312 It's got the right amount of funk and skank. 130 00:05:04,314 --> 00:05:05,880 - [gasps] if we do real good in this 131 00:05:05,882 --> 00:05:08,016 And get a spin-off, that'll be the name of our show-- 132 00:05:08,018 --> 00:05:10,018 Funk and skank. 133 00:05:10,020 --> 00:05:12,420 - Okay, but I don't wanna be skank. 134 00:05:12,422 --> 00:05:15,323 - Oh, clearly I'm skank. 135 00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:17,125 - And may I say I'm honored 136 00:05:17,127 --> 00:05:19,894 I have such a worthy opponent to barter with. 137 00:05:19,896 --> 00:05:23,498 [speaking native language] 138 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:25,734 - Dude, I'm from pasadena. 139 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,270 - I can't believe this! 140 00:05:29,272 --> 00:05:30,739 I never thought I'd be in a tv show 141 00:05:30,741 --> 00:05:32,941 Where no one was yelling, "you are not the father!" 142 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,415 - Let's go. Bring in the waitress extras. 143 00:05:40,417 --> 00:05:42,083 - Ooh, I love these uniforms! 144 00:05:42,085 --> 00:05:44,185 I feel like brenda from 90210 145 00:05:44,187 --> 00:05:47,288 When she was dressed as that '50s waitress at the peach pit. 146 00:05:47,290 --> 00:05:50,158 - Well, when we're the big stars of funk and skank, 147 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:51,793 We won't have to wear any uniforms. 148 00:05:51,795 --> 00:05:54,496 - But wait, aren't funk and skank cops? 149 00:05:54,498 --> 00:05:57,198 - Uh, no, they're hookers. 150 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,900 - How about a compromise? 151 00:05:58,902 --> 00:06:01,236 Cops by day, prostitutes by night? 152 00:06:01,238 --> 00:06:03,538 You know, copstitutes. 153 00:06:03,540 --> 00:06:07,142 - Either way, we're new york's finest. 154 00:06:07,144 --> 00:06:09,744 - Okay, everybody, ready! Here we go. 155 00:06:09,746 --> 00:06:12,147 - [gasps] look at earl over there. 156 00:06:12,149 --> 00:06:13,815 - Good luck, earl! 157 00:06:13,817 --> 00:06:15,750 - Camera on the door. Scene eight, take one. 158 00:06:15,752 --> 00:06:19,587 And action! Shooter comes in. 159 00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,660 And cut! Good! Reset. 160 00:06:25,662 --> 00:06:28,329 [both gasp] - earl, that was inspiring. 161 00:06:28,331 --> 00:06:31,099 I hope everyone who sees you goes out and ignores a crime. 162 00:06:31,101 --> 00:06:34,135 - It was like that scene was about the cash register guy. 163 00:06:34,137 --> 00:06:35,937 You really brought something extra. 164 00:06:35,939 --> 00:06:37,772 I smell an emmy. 165 00:06:37,774 --> 00:06:40,442 - Oh, that's weed. 166 00:06:40,444 --> 00:06:43,445 - Hi. Sorry we haven't gotten to you guys yet. 167 00:06:43,447 --> 00:06:44,746 Why don't you hang out in the office? 168 00:06:44,748 --> 00:06:46,114 I hear there's good sushi. 169 00:06:46,116 --> 00:06:47,415 You look pretty. 170 00:06:47,417 --> 00:06:50,652 - I think the director kinda likes me. 171 00:06:50,654 --> 00:06:54,456 - Well, I don't know about him, but his penis does. 172 00:06:54,458 --> 00:06:56,458 - Okay, camera on the door. 173 00:06:56,460 --> 00:06:58,326 - Scene eight, take two. 174 00:06:58,328 --> 00:07:01,129 - And action! Shooter comes in. 175 00:07:01,131 --> 00:07:04,232 - Bang! Bang! 176 00:07:04,234 --> 00:07:06,067 - Cut! 177 00:07:06,069 --> 00:07:08,470 Excuse me, how did you get through? 178 00:07:08,472 --> 00:07:10,104 - Oh, please. 179 00:07:10,106 --> 00:07:11,506 I once got through the berlin wall. 180 00:07:11,508 --> 00:07:15,376 You think two kids with walkie-talkies can stop me? 181 00:07:15,378 --> 00:07:17,779 - Damn, this room's got a sweet spread. 182 00:07:17,781 --> 00:07:20,315 Free sushi? Uh-yes. 183 00:07:20,317 --> 00:07:23,384 Free dessert? Uh-duh. 184 00:07:23,386 --> 00:07:24,652 - This is great. 185 00:07:24,654 --> 00:07:26,387 We've gotta figure out a way to get paid 186 00:07:26,389 --> 00:07:29,190 To sit around, eat free food, and do nothing more often. 187 00:07:29,192 --> 00:07:33,061 - Oh, I think you cracked that code a long time ago. 188 00:07:33,063 --> 00:07:34,596 - Would it be tacky 189 00:07:34,598 --> 00:07:36,498 If I packed some sushi in my purse for later? 190 00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:39,033 - Already packed mine, already packed yours. 191 00:07:39,035 --> 00:07:42,303 - This is the vip lounge. 192 00:07:42,305 --> 00:07:46,341 See? The shrimp have already been de-turded. 193 00:07:46,343 --> 00:07:47,509 - Oh, hi, girls. 194 00:07:47,511 --> 00:07:51,579 You finally got new uniforms. You look stupid. 195 00:07:51,581 --> 00:07:54,182 - These are actually from the costume department 196 00:07:54,184 --> 00:07:56,184 Of a little show called law & order: Svu 197 00:07:56,186 --> 00:07:58,186 That max and I are costarring in. 198 00:07:58,188 --> 00:08:02,557 - Costars? Honey, please. You two are just extras. 199 00:08:02,559 --> 00:08:07,629 - Um, extra paid and full of purse sushi. 200 00:08:07,631 --> 00:08:09,931 - They're ready for you two. - Oh! Be right there. 201 00:08:09,933 --> 00:08:12,433 Just gonna put my purse in the fridge. 202 00:08:12,435 --> 00:08:14,903 - Thomas. Tom. T-pain. Can we chat? 203 00:08:14,905 --> 00:08:16,204 - What is it, dude? 204 00:08:16,206 --> 00:08:18,706 - Your crew got soy sauce all over my computer. 205 00:08:18,708 --> 00:08:21,543 And according to our agreement, you must pay all the damages. 206 00:08:21,545 --> 00:08:24,178 - How much do you want? - $300. 207 00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:25,980 - It's a piece of crap. 208 00:08:25,982 --> 00:08:28,483 - But it was a gift from my father. 209 00:08:28,485 --> 00:08:30,618 And you know how important family is in our culture. 210 00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:33,955 - Again, I don't. I was raised by two white women. 211 00:08:33,957 --> 00:08:35,590 - Oh, hey, hey. 212 00:08:35,592 --> 00:08:39,027 Yes, uh, who do I talk to about becoming a star? 213 00:08:42,364 --> 00:08:44,832 - This is so exciting! 214 00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:47,135 - God! That woman keeps pushing my head down. 215 00:08:47,137 --> 00:08:50,204 I feel like I'm on a date with her. 216 00:08:50,206 --> 00:08:52,373 - Okay, so you guys are here behind the counter, 217 00:08:52,375 --> 00:08:53,708 Doing your waitress thing. 218 00:08:53,710 --> 00:08:55,143 Shooter aims for the cook 219 00:08:55,145 --> 00:08:57,612 But hits her, our featured waitress. 220 00:08:57,614 --> 00:08:59,914 - Hey, didn't I already see you on svu? 221 00:08:59,916 --> 00:09:01,449 Oh, yeah, I remember. 222 00:09:01,451 --> 00:09:03,217 They found your head in a mini fridge in the hudson. 223 00:09:03,219 --> 00:09:04,552 I knew I recognized you. 224 00:09:04,554 --> 00:09:06,321 - Wait, we've already killed you? 225 00:09:06,323 --> 00:09:08,189 Sorry, babe, you're out. 226 00:09:08,191 --> 00:09:09,824 - Aw. 227 00:09:09,826 --> 00:09:11,826 Well, you gave great head. 228 00:09:11,828 --> 00:09:14,295 - Tom, we gotta bump someone up to the featured waitress. 229 00:09:14,297 --> 00:09:16,164 Pays 1,000 more bucks. 230 00:09:16,166 --> 00:09:17,498 - Max, that could be the extra money 231 00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:18,800 We need for chestnut. 232 00:09:18,802 --> 00:09:20,301 Could one of us do it? 233 00:09:20,303 --> 00:09:21,669 - Can either of you act like you've been hit with a bullet? 234 00:09:21,671 --> 00:09:23,538 - Well, it just so happens 235 00:09:23,540 --> 00:09:25,873 I have been hit by a bullet twice-- 236 00:09:25,875 --> 00:09:28,142 Once at a 7-eleven and once running away 237 00:09:28,144 --> 00:09:29,577 In the parking lot of a 7-eleven. 238 00:09:29,579 --> 00:09:31,613 So yeah, I think I got this. 239 00:09:31,615 --> 00:09:33,581 - I'm thinking maybe a blonde would be better. 240 00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:34,882 Caroline? 241 00:09:34,884 --> 00:09:37,785 - Well, I did have a pretty convincing death scene 242 00:09:37,787 --> 00:09:39,721 As fantine, and I died like-- 243 00:09:39,723 --> 00:09:42,457 Well, should I just show you? 244 00:09:53,969 --> 00:09:57,405 - You are such a nerd. 245 00:09:59,074 --> 00:10:00,274 - That's great, caroline. 246 00:10:00,276 --> 00:10:01,476 Special effects, 247 00:10:01,478 --> 00:10:02,844 Put the blood device on caroline. 248 00:10:02,846 --> 00:10:04,012 She's our special victim. 249 00:10:04,014 --> 00:10:05,446 - Really? I got it? 250 00:10:05,448 --> 00:10:07,448 - Yes, but a little less "french revolution," 251 00:10:07,450 --> 00:10:10,418 And a lot more "face down on the floor." 252 00:10:10,420 --> 00:10:13,988 - You can't take a shot. You can't even do a shot. 253 00:10:13,990 --> 00:10:16,624 - Don't be mad, max. I'm doing this for chestnut. 254 00:10:16,626 --> 00:10:18,793 And it's not my fault he liked my death scene. 255 00:10:18,795 --> 00:10:21,863 - He liked your death scene with his penis. 256 00:10:21,865 --> 00:10:25,299 - Wow, max, show business really brings out the worst in you. 257 00:10:25,301 --> 00:10:28,903 - You haven't seen me at a wedding. 258 00:10:28,905 --> 00:10:30,905 - Hello! You just put your hand 259 00:10:30,907 --> 00:10:32,507 Down a woman's blouse without asking? 260 00:10:32,509 --> 00:10:34,575 - Every day. 261 00:10:34,577 --> 00:10:37,178 - Well, here. Can I help you? 262 00:10:37,180 --> 00:10:40,748 - No, it's a union thing. 263 00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:42,550 - Aren't you in there a little long? 264 00:10:42,552 --> 00:10:45,119 - Yeah. Let me just-- 265 00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:48,956 - Caroline, that special effects rig you're wearing 266 00:10:48,958 --> 00:10:50,124 Is very sensitive, 267 00:10:50,126 --> 00:10:51,292 So don't let anything near your chest. 268 00:10:51,294 --> 00:10:55,229 - Except me. 269 00:10:55,231 --> 00:10:57,732 - And don't be nervous. 270 00:10:57,734 --> 00:10:59,734 The camera's gonna love you. How could it not? 271 00:10:59,736 --> 00:11:01,703 - Dj, stop flirting with me. 272 00:11:01,705 --> 00:11:06,274 I'm gonna die soon and you'll never get over me. 273 00:11:06,276 --> 00:11:09,110 - Promise you'll die soon? 274 00:11:09,112 --> 00:11:11,412 - Max, I'm about to be shot, 275 00:11:11,414 --> 00:11:13,381 And I can't die with bad blood between us. 276 00:11:13,383 --> 00:11:15,650 - We're good. You're living my dream, girl. 277 00:11:15,652 --> 00:11:18,119 Do me proud. - I will. 278 00:11:18,121 --> 00:11:20,354 - No! Don't hug with it! 279 00:11:26,829 --> 00:11:28,863 - Caroline, you set the thing off. 280 00:11:28,865 --> 00:11:30,331 We weren't rolling. 281 00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:33,935 - Really? That's too bad, because that was gold. 282 00:11:33,937 --> 00:11:37,371 - That's a wrap, everybody. We'll pick it up tomorrow. 283 00:11:37,373 --> 00:11:39,674 - I'm so sorry. It just went off. 284 00:11:39,676 --> 00:11:42,176 - Prettiest screw-up all day. 285 00:11:42,178 --> 00:11:43,411 After you get cleaned up, 286 00:11:43,413 --> 00:11:44,946 Why don't we have dinner at my hotel? 287 00:11:44,948 --> 00:11:46,814 - Dinner? Yeah, I'd like that. 288 00:11:46,816 --> 00:11:48,182 - Let's say 8:00. 289 00:11:48,184 --> 00:11:50,752 My assistant will give you the address and my room number. 290 00:11:52,821 --> 00:11:54,822 - You know, this is exactly how you look in all my dreams 291 00:11:54,824 --> 00:11:56,491 Where I shoot you. 292 00:11:56,493 --> 00:11:58,960 - The director just invited me to dinner at his hotel, 293 00:11:58,962 --> 00:12:00,495 But it's in his room. 294 00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:01,696 Do you think he-- - yes. 295 00:12:01,698 --> 00:12:02,797 - Is that why he-- - yes. 296 00:12:02,799 --> 00:12:03,965 - Will you come with? - Yes. 297 00:12:03,967 --> 00:12:05,133 - Maybe you're wrong. 298 00:12:05,135 --> 00:12:06,334 Maybe he thought my audition was really-- 299 00:12:06,336 --> 00:12:07,502 - No. 300 00:12:07,504 --> 00:12:11,973 - Caroline, next time, maybe a little less. 301 00:12:16,912 --> 00:12:18,346 - Now, remember. 302 00:12:18,348 --> 00:12:19,714 This director slips you anything that looks like a sweet tart, 303 00:12:19,716 --> 00:12:21,549 It's probably that date rape drug that knocks you out 304 00:12:21,551 --> 00:12:22,984 And distorts your memory. 305 00:12:22,986 --> 00:12:25,052 Or at least that's what it does to the guys I give it to. 306 00:12:25,054 --> 00:12:28,756 - It's never gonna get to that. I have my own date rape drug. 307 00:12:28,758 --> 00:12:30,324 I talk about myself incessantly 308 00:12:30,326 --> 00:12:32,827 Till guys get bored and pass out. 309 00:12:32,829 --> 00:12:34,929 - So if that doesn't work, what are your limits? 310 00:12:34,931 --> 00:12:36,531 A little over the sweater, under sweater, 311 00:12:36,533 --> 00:12:39,634 A little front door, back door, a little secret staircase? 312 00:12:39,636 --> 00:12:42,770 - I don't know what that is, but no one goes up my staircase, 313 00:12:42,772 --> 00:12:44,305 Not even for chestnut. 314 00:12:44,307 --> 00:12:46,407 At the most, I'll do kissing. 315 00:12:47,709 --> 00:12:48,943 - You are thinking like an extra. 316 00:12:48,945 --> 00:12:50,812 You need to think like a star 317 00:12:50,814 --> 00:12:52,079 If you're gonna buy chestnut shoes, 318 00:12:52,081 --> 00:12:54,715 Then therapy, then a way out of scientology. 319 00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:58,886 - Oh, hi. You brought company. 320 00:12:58,888 --> 00:13:01,722 - Yes, she's my ride. We share a subway card. 321 00:13:01,724 --> 00:13:03,024 - Well, she uses the card. 322 00:13:03,026 --> 00:13:05,026 I jump the turnstile and she pretends to chase me, 323 00:13:05,028 --> 00:13:07,295 Yelling "don't worry, I'll get her!" 324 00:13:07,297 --> 00:13:08,763 - Well, come on in. 325 00:13:08,765 --> 00:13:10,231 Stay for a glass of champagne, max. 326 00:13:10,233 --> 00:13:12,166 Oh, and don't worry about taking the subway home alone. 327 00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:13,601 My driver can take you. 328 00:13:13,603 --> 00:13:14,936 - Now I'm torn. 329 00:13:14,938 --> 00:13:16,304 Because as much as I don't want you 330 00:13:16,306 --> 00:13:17,638 To have sex against your will, 331 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:20,575 I do wanna roll up to the mcdonald's in a limo. 332 00:13:20,577 --> 00:13:21,976 - There's no rush. 333 00:13:21,978 --> 00:13:23,277 Come on, let's sit down and hang out. 334 00:13:23,279 --> 00:13:25,313 - It was really nice of you to invite me up here 335 00:13:25,315 --> 00:13:27,748 To have a casual, work-related dinner. 336 00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:32,420 - Max there, caroline there, and me, well, here. 337 00:13:32,422 --> 00:13:34,789 Can't turn it off, still directing. 338 00:13:36,592 --> 00:13:39,460 - Oh! You know, I love this hotel. 339 00:13:39,462 --> 00:13:41,529 I came here once to do a photo shoot 340 00:13:41,531 --> 00:13:42,997 For a "20 under 20: 341 00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:44,632 Teen millionaires to watch" spread, 342 00:13:44,634 --> 00:13:47,902 And I remember I had just gotten my haircut, 343 00:13:47,904 --> 00:13:49,170 Which was a big decision, 344 00:13:49,172 --> 00:13:51,005 'cause I was kinda known for my long hair. 345 00:13:51,007 --> 00:13:52,673 And he wanted to take an inch off, 346 00:13:52,675 --> 00:13:54,008 Which doesn't sound like a big deal, 347 00:13:54,010 --> 00:13:58,079 But when you're known for your long hair... 348 00:13:58,081 --> 00:14:01,983 People are expecting to see you with long hair. 349 00:14:01,985 --> 00:14:03,918 - So was that okay? 350 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,420 - Oh! Yeah, sure. 351 00:14:06,422 --> 00:14:07,722 It--it's just max is here, 352 00:14:07,724 --> 00:14:08,923 And I don't want her to feel left out. 353 00:14:08,925 --> 00:14:11,626 - Sorry. Got it. 354 00:14:14,763 --> 00:14:16,731 That was nice. 355 00:14:16,733 --> 00:14:18,699 - You're a good kisser. [clears throat] 356 00:14:18,701 --> 00:14:21,669 Are you eating a cinnamon altoid? 357 00:14:21,671 --> 00:14:25,139 - I'm eating a cinnamon altoid. 358 00:14:26,708 --> 00:14:30,878 - Well, then I just tasted you. 359 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,080 - Look, dj, I think you have the wrong idea. 360 00:14:33,082 --> 00:14:34,582 [phone ringing] 361 00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:36,317 - Oh! Hold that thought. 362 00:14:36,319 --> 00:14:38,753 I would never interrupt this for a work call, 363 00:14:38,755 --> 00:14:42,189 But it's my wife and I wanna say "good night" to the kids. 364 00:14:42,191 --> 00:14:44,125 - That guy's a player. 365 00:14:44,127 --> 00:14:45,793 I'm not talking my way out of this one. 366 00:14:45,795 --> 00:14:47,328 We're screwed. 367 00:14:47,330 --> 00:14:49,063 - Yeah! He's got a high tolerance. 368 00:14:49,065 --> 00:14:52,433 Your long-hair speech almost roofied me. 369 00:14:52,435 --> 00:14:54,936 - What do we do, max? I don't want to offend him. 370 00:14:54,938 --> 00:14:57,204 We need that extra money for chestnut. 371 00:14:57,206 --> 00:14:59,173 This is the oldest tale in the book-- 372 00:14:59,175 --> 00:15:01,876 A woman forced to trade her body to get her child shoes. 373 00:15:01,878 --> 00:15:03,611 It's shakespearian, it's dickensian, 374 00:15:03,613 --> 00:15:05,446 It's kardashian. 375 00:15:05,448 --> 00:15:07,214 - Look at the bright side. 376 00:15:07,216 --> 00:15:08,983 You already thought he was sexy, 377 00:15:08,985 --> 00:15:10,751 So you were probably gonna sleep with him eventually. 378 00:15:10,753 --> 00:15:12,186 And now that he's married, 379 00:15:12,188 --> 00:15:13,754 You know he won't cheat on you with somebody else 380 00:15:13,756 --> 00:15:15,556 Because you're that somebody else. 381 00:15:15,558 --> 00:15:17,558 You a side bitch! 382 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,528 - No, max, I can just tell him how I feel. 383 00:15:20,530 --> 00:15:21,762 Besides, he probably already got it. 384 00:15:21,764 --> 00:15:23,898 You heard me tell him he read the signs wrong. 385 00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:27,768 - [sighs] 386 00:15:27,770 --> 00:15:32,206 - Apparently the sign he read said "three-way up ahead." 387 00:15:32,208 --> 00:15:33,541 - Pretty good, right? 388 00:15:33,543 --> 00:15:35,076 Hit show, wife, kids. 389 00:15:35,078 --> 00:15:37,178 Still find time to get to the gym. 390 00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:39,580 So you guys need to drink a little more before we do this? 391 00:15:39,582 --> 00:15:41,682 'cause I don't. 392 00:15:41,684 --> 00:15:43,050 - All right, I'm just gonna say this 393 00:15:43,052 --> 00:15:44,618 Before that towel comes off. 394 00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:46,954 I think you've misread the signals here. 395 00:15:46,956 --> 00:15:49,056 - Really! That sucks. 396 00:15:49,058 --> 00:15:51,359 - I'm sorry. These things happen. 397 00:15:51,361 --> 00:15:53,094 It reminds me of that time I had tea 398 00:15:53,096 --> 00:15:55,896 With that prince in dubai and he thought he bought me. 399 00:15:55,898 --> 00:15:58,232 - Turns out he bought a different blonde. 400 00:15:58,234 --> 00:16:00,501 [laughs] oh, men! 401 00:16:06,908 --> 00:16:09,510 - Good morning, dj. - Morning! 402 00:16:09,512 --> 00:16:11,779 - See, max? No hard feelings. 403 00:16:11,781 --> 00:16:14,081 I told you it was gonna work out. 404 00:16:14,083 --> 00:16:17,485 Hi! I'm ready for my fake blood pouch. 405 00:16:19,154 --> 00:16:22,823 - Um, I think you got the wrong breasts. 406 00:16:22,825 --> 00:16:25,092 But for a rough guy, you got a soft touch. 407 00:16:25,094 --> 00:16:26,293 - Yup. 408 00:16:26,295 --> 00:16:27,862 - There's been a change. 409 00:16:27,864 --> 00:16:30,264 Uh, max is now getting featured, and you're in the b.G.-- 410 00:16:30,266 --> 00:16:31,899 Background. 411 00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:34,201 - These are real? - Yep. 412 00:16:34,203 --> 00:16:36,804 - Nice job. 413 00:16:36,806 --> 00:16:39,440 - You hear that, max? Now I'm in the b.G. 414 00:16:39,442 --> 00:16:41,942 I didn't do dj, so I'm in the b.G. 415 00:16:41,944 --> 00:16:43,577 - Max! 416 00:16:43,579 --> 00:16:45,980 We have time for one full take before lunch, 417 00:16:45,982 --> 00:16:48,315 Then we'll come back and do the rest of your coverage after. 418 00:16:48,317 --> 00:16:50,117 Hey, maybe you and I could have a little lunch together 419 00:16:50,119 --> 00:16:51,385 In my trailer. 420 00:16:51,387 --> 00:16:53,487 - Well, I do love a trailer. 421 00:16:53,489 --> 00:16:55,356 - Okay, let's stay on schedule, people. 422 00:16:55,358 --> 00:16:57,191 My kid's reading a poem at school. 423 00:16:57,193 --> 00:16:59,493 By the way, your rack looks fantastic. 424 00:16:59,495 --> 00:17:03,164 - You seem like a great dad. 425 00:17:03,166 --> 00:17:05,232 - Dj, is this about last night, 426 00:17:05,234 --> 00:17:06,467 'cause I wouldn't wear a towel? 427 00:17:06,469 --> 00:17:08,502 - No. No, we're good. 428 00:17:08,504 --> 00:17:10,271 I don't wanna see that. Bury her deep. 429 00:17:10,273 --> 00:17:11,605 - "bury her deep"? 430 00:17:11,607 --> 00:17:13,340 Did he just say, "bury her deep"? 431 00:17:13,342 --> 00:17:15,476 - Caroline, you need to work back there. 432 00:17:15,478 --> 00:17:17,344 - Is this how hollywood treats women? 433 00:17:17,346 --> 00:17:19,246 - This is how hollywood treats everyone. 434 00:17:19,248 --> 00:17:20,648 - Everybody ready. 435 00:17:20,650 --> 00:17:24,085 - Max, if you do this, you'll be getting paid for sex. 436 00:17:24,087 --> 00:17:26,687 - Well, it's about time. 437 00:17:26,689 --> 00:17:28,189 - Places, everyone. 438 00:17:28,191 --> 00:17:31,592 - You don't have to do this. Chestnut is my horse. 439 00:17:31,594 --> 00:17:33,861 - And action! Max, you're wiping the counter. 440 00:17:33,863 --> 00:17:36,130 The killer comes in. You look up. 441 00:17:36,132 --> 00:17:37,465 - [under breath] don't do it. 442 00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:38,866 We can find money somewhere else. 443 00:17:38,868 --> 00:17:41,035 - Cut! Tom, I don't wanna see her. 444 00:17:41,037 --> 00:17:42,870 - Caroline. - Here they come. 445 00:17:42,872 --> 00:17:45,239 - Come on, everybody. Back to one. 446 00:17:45,241 --> 00:17:48,075 - And action! Max, you're wiping the counter. 447 00:17:48,077 --> 00:17:50,678 The killer comes in. You look up. 448 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,047 - Pick up! 449 00:17:53,049 --> 00:17:55,149 [bell dings] 450 00:17:55,151 --> 00:17:57,351 Max, seriously, it's not worth it. 451 00:17:57,353 --> 00:17:59,120 - Cut! Get her out of there. 452 00:17:59,122 --> 00:18:01,422 Reset, reset. - Sorry about all that, people. 453 00:18:01,424 --> 00:18:02,756 Now, let's give me the bullet 454 00:18:02,758 --> 00:18:05,459 I've been waiting for my whole life. 455 00:18:05,461 --> 00:18:08,496 - I haven't felt this unwanted 456 00:18:08,498 --> 00:18:10,731 Since I tried to teach those inner-city school kids 457 00:18:10,733 --> 00:18:11,866 How to knit. 458 00:18:11,868 --> 00:18:13,367 - Caroline, you have to stay here, 459 00:18:13,369 --> 00:18:14,602 Away from the shot, 460 00:18:14,604 --> 00:18:15,769 Or neither of you is gonna be paid. 461 00:18:15,771 --> 00:18:18,339 - Hey, tom, you know what this scene needs? 462 00:18:18,341 --> 00:18:21,509 A little more cashier. 463 00:18:21,511 --> 00:18:25,279 - Oy, that crew is doing a lot of damage to this diner. 464 00:18:25,281 --> 00:18:29,183 - Well, I'm doing some damage to this fancy french water. 465 00:18:29,185 --> 00:18:32,887 - 150 for the floor, 20 for the napkins they used, 466 00:18:32,889 --> 00:18:38,125 And... 467 00:18:38,127 --> 00:18:42,363 And 55 bucks for that gorgeous picture of the city. 468 00:18:42,365 --> 00:18:44,498 - This is ridiculous. 469 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,268 How much longer do I have to wait to be discovered? 470 00:18:47,270 --> 00:18:49,303 - Do what every other american would do-- 471 00:18:49,305 --> 00:18:52,273 Skip the hard work and put out a sex tape. 472 00:18:52,275 --> 00:18:55,576 - No, I'm gonna go out there. Where's my lipstick? 473 00:18:55,578 --> 00:18:58,846 Here, hold my shake weight. 474 00:18:58,848 --> 00:19:01,315 And my fresca. 475 00:19:02,384 --> 00:19:04,418 Oh, hi. 476 00:19:04,420 --> 00:19:07,488 Who do I talk to about getting a part in this thing? 477 00:19:07,490 --> 00:19:09,957 I mean, I already let the guy who puts out the cookies 478 00:19:09,959 --> 00:19:12,126 Touch my boobs. 479 00:19:12,128 --> 00:19:13,661 - We don't have a guy who puts out cookies. 480 00:19:13,663 --> 00:19:15,396 - Yo. 481 00:19:15,398 --> 00:19:18,265 - Okay, everybody ready! Camera up! 482 00:19:18,267 --> 00:19:20,267 - Oh, he looks important. 483 00:19:20,269 --> 00:19:21,635 - Oh, no, no! Stop, stop! - No! Let go! 484 00:19:21,637 --> 00:19:23,103 - Ooh! - Not the blood switch! 485 00:19:23,105 --> 00:19:25,839 [bang] 486 00:19:25,841 --> 00:19:28,475 - Ahhh! 487 00:19:28,477 --> 00:19:32,012 Someone shot max! 488 00:19:32,014 --> 00:19:35,015 - Cut! Tom, get rid of max too. 489 00:19:35,017 --> 00:19:36,717 Get me another girl. 490 00:19:36,719 --> 00:19:38,285 - Typical! 491 00:19:38,287 --> 00:19:41,855 Shoot on my chest and you're done with me. 492 00:19:43,792 --> 00:19:48,262 - Hi, you looking for a new girl? 493 00:19:50,732 --> 00:19:52,066 - Last time I looked like this, 494 00:19:52,068 --> 00:19:53,334 I was coming out of an acid trip 495 00:19:53,336 --> 00:19:56,704 And my friend daniel was missing. 496 00:19:56,706 --> 00:19:58,072 - I gotta admit, 497 00:19:58,074 --> 00:20:00,741 Getting shot felt kinda gangsta waitress. 498 00:20:00,743 --> 00:20:03,711 I'm like notorious blt. 499 00:20:03,713 --> 00:20:05,679 - So here's the deal. 500 00:20:05,681 --> 00:20:06,880 We'll pay you for the day yesterday, 501 00:20:06,882 --> 00:20:09,516 But not for today or for the featured extra. 502 00:20:09,518 --> 00:20:12,219 - Say what? - Not so fast, my brother. 503 00:20:12,221 --> 00:20:15,089 Here is the latest tally for my diner damage. 504 00:20:15,091 --> 00:20:17,391 - What's this last $1,000 charge? 505 00:20:17,393 --> 00:20:19,927 - That is for the damage done to max and caroline. 506 00:20:19,929 --> 00:20:21,629 According to crew scuttlebutt, 507 00:20:21,631 --> 00:20:24,198 The director tried some funny business last night. 508 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:25,466 - This is not cool, dude. 509 00:20:25,468 --> 00:20:28,168 - It is most decidedly not cool, pal. 510 00:20:28,170 --> 00:20:31,005 So maybe there is someone in a union I can talk to 511 00:20:31,007 --> 00:20:32,873 About this particular damage. 512 00:20:32,875 --> 00:20:35,175 - Not to mention the child labor laws you violated 513 00:20:35,177 --> 00:20:37,544 By working with han. 514 00:20:37,546 --> 00:20:40,080 - Don't talk to anyone. I'll get 'em paid. 515 00:20:40,082 --> 00:20:41,782 This sucks. 516 00:20:41,784 --> 00:20:43,517 I knew we should've shot at a denny's. 517 00:20:45,153 --> 00:20:47,321 - Han, that is the sweetest, coolest thing 518 00:20:47,323 --> 00:20:48,989 You just did for us. 519 00:20:48,991 --> 00:20:51,859 - It is, and caroline is totally gonna put out for you tonight. 520 00:20:51,861 --> 00:20:53,594 That's kind of her thing now. 521 00:20:53,596 --> 00:20:56,897 - Well, I don't want anyone to take advantage of you two. 522 00:20:56,899 --> 00:20:58,465 You're my girls. 523 00:20:58,467 --> 00:21:01,935 - And tonight, on a very special episode of funk and skank, 524 00:21:01,937 --> 00:21:04,705 The cute, tiny asian guy turns out to be the girls' pimp, 525 00:21:04,707 --> 00:21:08,075 And the copstitutes are able to buy new horseshoes.