- Get the birthday candle ready, 'cause...
Here comes chestnut's carrot cake!
- I know we want this to be special,
But chestnut is a horse.
Any day he's not being made into an ikea meatball
Is a birthday.
- And remember, even though it's his tenth birthday,
We have to pretend he's six or he'll be in a bad mood all week.
Surprise!
Both: Happy birthday, chestnut!
- Max! He was supposed to do that!
- What? I know what he wished for.
That one day, he and I live in a world
Where our love is recognized
And we have the same rights as gay couples.
- There you go, baby.
- Hey, look, his shoe just fell off.
Or maybe he kicked it off 'cause he's getting ready to par-tay.
- What are we gonna do?
We don't have any money.
I wanted a massage last week,
So I just sat next to someone on the bus
Who looked like he'd touch me.
- I may have an idea how we can get 'em.
A guy I picked up at oktoberfest is a blacksmith.
At least I think he was.
I remember a leather apron and something being heated
In a fire.
- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
- Well, I found my blacksmith.
He now shares an artisan barn
With a lady who makes clothing out of bees.
- I guess that's why our cupcake shop didn't work.
We weren't providing a service that everyone needs.
- I looked at our boy,
And not only does chestnut need four new shoes,
He has a hoof fungus.
- A hoof fungus? That's so ghetto.
- I'm pretty sure he got it from me
Because we shower together.
And the cost of new shoes and vet fee? $1,400.
- [sighs] max, I feel awful.
I'm a bad mother.
- You're not a bad mother.
I know bad mothers. I came out of one.
- Ladies, what's happening over there?
You know a gathering of more than two white people
Makes me nervous.
- Earl, one of them's asian.
- Ah, same thing.
- Who would I talk to about the diner?
We're interested in renting this location
To film a tv show.
We think your diner would be a great place to kill someone.
- I get it.
'cause every time I come in here, I die a little.
- Here's my card.
Tom woo, law & order: Special victims unit.
- Shut your face, tom woo!
I love all the law & orders, especially svu.
Their stories are ripped from the headlines,
And I don't read the newspaper,
So that's where I get all my news.
- Cool. Let me go get the director.
That's him over there.
- Look how cute the director is. He's my rugged guy type.
Not really rugged at all,
But buys expensive, rugged-looking clothing
From saks 5th avenue.
- Hi. Dj kingsley.
- Nice beard.
You grow out that stubble
Or just set your razor to "jason statham."
- Excuse me, sir.
You've got a great face.
Have you ever done any extra work?
- Well, I was in the 1973 classic
Scream, blackula, scream.
Pam grier kicked me in the nuts
And called me a "jive turkey."
- If you'd consider it,
I'd love to have your look in the episode.
- Hey, what about me?
You can shave my head, drag me behind a car,
Or anything else I've already done for free.
- Sure. And you must be an actress.
You're way too pretty to just be a waitress.
- Thank you!
In fact I have done a little acting.
In high school, I portrayed fantine in les miserables.
- Just hearing you say that makes me "miser-obble."
- Well, how about it?
You wanna hang with me and be an extra on special victims unit?
- It pays 112 a day
Plus whatever you normally make in tips.
- Oh, so about 115? I'm in.
Mama needs a new pair of horseshoes.
- So where's the boss?
- I'm the boss, but I'll get the guy who owns the place.
Oleg!
They're shooting a tv show here,
And the back of my head or the side of my boob
Is gonna be in it!
- Good for you, max.
I was on ukraine's version of big brother once,
Better known as just living in ukraine.
- Han! Law and order: Special victims unit
Wants to shoot in the diner, and if you don't say yes,
You'll be my special victim when I cut your unit off.
- Please say yes, han.
They're gonna pay us to be in the background.
- But do you know how to act?
- Actually we do.
My acting's method, whereas hers is more meth head.
[knocking on door]
- Hey, come in.
And remember, if he says no, he doesn't mean it.
He just wants you to flirt with him a little bit.
- Not so fast, max.
Hello, I'm han lee, the owner and proprietor.
- Oh, "proprietor."
That's word's bigger than you are.
- What kinda compensation do you want?
- Whoa, whoa, my asian brother.
Slow down! Let's enjoy the dance.
- We'd like to shoot here.
It's got the right amount of funk and skank.
- [gasps] if we do real good in this
And get a spin-off, that'll be the name of our show--
Funk and skank.
- Okay, but I don't wanna be skank.
- Oh, clearly I'm skank.
- And may I say I'm honored
I have such a worthy opponent to barter with.
[speaking native language]
- Dude, I'm from pasadena.
- I can't believe this!
I never thought I'd be in a tv show
Where no one was yelling, "you are not the father!"
- Let's go. Bring in the waitress extras.
- Ooh, I love these uniforms!
I feel like brenda from 90210
When she was dressed as that '50s waitress at the peach pit.
- Well, when we're the big stars of funk and skank,
We won't have to wear any uniforms.
- But wait, aren't funk and skank cops?
- Uh, no, they're hookers.
- How about a compromise?
Cops by day, prostitutes by night?
You know, copstitutes.
- Either way, we're new york's finest.
- Okay, everybody, ready! Here we go.
- [gasps] look at earl over there.
- Good luck, earl!
- Camera on the door. Scene eight, take one.
And action! Shooter comes in.
And cut! Good! Reset.
[both gasp] - earl, that was inspiring.
I hope everyone who sees you goes out and ignores a crime.
- It was like that scene was about the cash register guy.
You really brought something extra.
I smell an emmy.
- Oh, that's weed.
- Hi. Sorry we haven't gotten to you guys yet.
Why don't you hang out in the office?
I hear there's good sushi.
You look pretty.
- I think the director kinda likes me.
- Well, I don't know about him, but his penis does.
- Okay, camera on the door.
- Scene eight, take two.
- And action! Shooter comes in.
- Bang! Bang!
- Cut!
Excuse me, how did you get through?
- Oh, please.
I once got through the berlin wall.
You think two kids with walkie-talkies can stop me?
- Damn, this room's got a sweet spread.
Free sushi? Uh-yes.
Free dessert? Uh-duh.
- This is great.
We've gotta figure out a way to get paid
To sit around, eat free food, and do nothing more often.
- Oh, I think you cracked that code a long time ago.
- Would it be tacky
If I packed some sushi in my purse for later?
- Already packed mine, already packed yours.
- This is the vip lounge.
See? The shrimp have already been de-turded.
- Oh, hi, girls.
You finally got new uniforms. You look stupid.
- These are actually from the costume department
Of a little show called law & order: Svu
That max and I are costarring in.
- Costars? Honey, please. You two are just extras.
- Um, extra paid and full of purse sushi.
- They're ready for you two. - Oh! Be right there.
Just gonna put my purse in the fridge.
- Thomas. Tom. T-pain. Can we chat?
- What is it, dude?
- Your crew got soy sauce all over my computer.
And according to our agreement, you must pay all the damages.
- How much do you want? - $300.
- It's a piece of crap.
- But it was a gift from my father.
And you know how important family is in our culture.
- Again, I don't. I was raised by two white women.
- Oh, hey, hey.
Yes, uh, who do I talk to about becoming a star?
- This is so exciting!
- God! That woman keeps pushing my head down.
I feel like I'm on a date with her.
- Okay, so you guys are here behind the counter,
Doing your waitress thing.
Shooter aims for the cook
But hits her, our featured waitress.
- Hey, didn't I already see you on svu?
Oh, yeah, I remember.
They found your head in a mini fridge in the hudson.
I knew I recognized you.
- Wait, we've already killed you?
Sorry, babe, you're out.
- Aw.
Well, you gave great head.
- Tom, we gotta bump someone up to the featured waitress.
Pays 1,000 more bucks.
- Max, that could be the extra money
We need for chestnut.
Could one of us do it?
- Can either of you act like you've been hit with a bullet?
- Well, it just so happens
I have been hit by a bullet twice--
Once at a 7-eleven and once running away
In the parking lot of a 7-eleven.
So yeah, I think I got this.
- I'm thinking maybe a blonde would be better.
Caroline?
- Well, I did have a pretty convincing death scene
As fantine, and I died like--
Well, should I just show you?
- You are such a nerd.
- That's great, caroline.
Special effects,
Put the blood device on caroline.
She's our special victim.
- Really? I got it?
- Yes, but a little less "french revolution,"
And a lot more "face down on the floor."
- You can't take a shot. You can't even do a shot.
- Don't be mad, max. I'm doing this for chestnut.
And it's not my fault he liked my death scene.
- He liked your death scene with his penis.
- Wow, max, show business really brings out the worst in you.
- You haven't seen me at a wedding.
- Hello! You just put your hand
Down a woman's blouse without asking?
- Every day.
- Well, here. Can I help you?
- No, it's a union thing.
- Aren't you in there a little long?
- Yeah. Let me just--
- Caroline, that special effects rig you're wearing
Is very sensitive,
So don't let anything near your chest.
- Except me.
- And don't be nervous.
The camera's gonna love you. How could it not?
- Dj, stop flirting with me.
I'm gonna die soon and you'll never get over me.
- Promise you'll die soon?
- Max, I'm about to be shot,
And I can't die with bad blood between us.
- We're good. You're living my dream, girl.
Do me proud. - I will.
- No! Don't hug with it!
- Caroline, you set the thing off.
We weren't rolling.
- Really? That's too bad, because that was gold.
- That's a wrap, everybody. We'll pick it up tomorrow.
- I'm so sorry. It just went off.
- Prettiest screw-up all day.
After you get cleaned up,
Why don't we have dinner at my hotel?
- Dinner? Yeah, I'd like that.
- Let's say 8:00.
My assistant will give you the address and my room number.
- You know, this is exactly how you look in all my dreams
Where I shoot you.
- The director just invited me to dinner at his hotel,
But it's in his room.
Do you think he-- - yes.
- Is that why he-- - yes.
- Will you come with? - Yes.
- Maybe you're wrong.
Maybe he thought my audition was really--
- No.
- Caroline, next time, maybe a little less.
- Now, remember.
This director slips you anything that looks like a sweet tart,
It's probably that date rape drug that knocks you out
And distorts your memory.
Or at least that's what it does to the guys I give it to.
- It's never gonna get to that. I have my own date rape drug.
I talk about myself incessantly
Till guys get bored and pass out.
- So if that doesn't work, what are your limits?
A little over the sweater, under sweater,
A little front door, back door, a little secret staircase?
- I don't know what that is, but no one goes up my staircase,
Not even for chestnut.
At the most, I'll do kissing.
- You are thinking like an extra.
You need to think like a star
If you're gonna buy chestnut shoes,
Then therapy, then a way out of scientology.
- Oh, hi. You brought company.
- Yes, she's my ride. We share a subway card.
- Well, she uses the card.
I jump the turnstile and she pretends to chase me,
Yelling "don't worry, I'll get her!"
- Well, come on in.
Stay for a glass of champagne, max.
Oh, and don't worry about taking the subway home alone.
My driver can take you.
- Now I'm torn.
Because as much as I don't want you
To have sex against your will,
I do wanna roll up to the mcdonald's in a limo.
- There's no rush.
Come on, let's sit down and hang out.
- It was really nice of you to invite me up here
To have a casual, work-related dinner.
- Max there, caroline there, and me, well, here.
Can't turn it off, still directing.
- Oh! You know, I love this hotel.
I came here once to do a photo shoot
For a "20 under 20:
Teen millionaires to watch" spread,
And I remember I had just gotten my haircut,
Which was a big decision,
'cause I was kinda known for my long hair.
And he wanted to take an inch off,
Which doesn't sound like a big deal,
But when you're known for your long hair...
People are expecting to see you with long hair.
- So was that okay?
- Oh! Yeah, sure.
It--it's just max is here,
And I don't want her to feel left out.
- Sorry. Got it.
That was nice.
- You're a good kisser. [clears throat]
Are you eating a cinnamon altoid?
- I'm eating a cinnamon altoid.
- Well, then I just tasted you.
- Look, dj, I think you have the wrong idea.
[phone ringing]
- Oh! Hold that thought.
I would never interrupt this for a work call,
But it's my wife and I wanna say "good night" to the kids.
- That guy's a player.
I'm not talking my way out of this one.
We're screwed.
- Yeah! He's got a high tolerance.
Your long-hair speech almost roofied me.
- What do we do, max? I don't want to offend him.
We need that extra money for chestnut.
This is the oldest tale in the book--
A woman forced to trade her body to get her child shoes.
It's shakespearian, it's dickensian,
It's kardashian.
- Look at the bright side.
You already thought he was sexy,
So you were probably gonna sleep with him eventually.
And now that he's married,
You know he won't cheat on you with somebody else
Because you're that somebody else.
You a side bitch!
- No, max, I can just tell him how I feel.
Besides, he probably already got it.
You heard me tell him he read the signs wrong.
- [sighs]
- Apparently the sign he read said "three-way up ahead."
- Pretty good, right?
Hit show, wife, kids.
Still find time to get to the gym.
So you guys need to drink a little more before we do this?
'cause I don't.
- All right, I'm just gonna say this
Before that towel comes off.
I think you've misread the signals here.
- Really! That sucks.
- I'm sorry. These things happen.
It reminds me of that time I had tea
With that prince in dubai and he thought he bought me.
- Turns out he bought a different blonde.
[laughs] oh, men!
- Good morning, dj. - Morning!
- See, max? No hard feelings.
I told you it was gonna work out.
Hi! I'm ready for my fake blood pouch.
- Um, I think you got the wrong breasts.
But for a rough guy, you got a soft touch.
- Yup.
- There's been a change.
Uh, max is now getting featured, and you're in the b.G.--
Background.
- These are real? - Yep.
- Nice job.
- You hear that, max? Now I'm in the b.G.
I didn't do dj, so I'm in the b.G.
- Max!
We have time for one full take before lunch,
Then we'll come back and do the rest of your coverage after.
Hey, maybe you and I could have a little lunch together
In my trailer.
- Well, I do love a trailer.
- Okay, let's stay on schedule, people.
My kid's reading a poem at school.
By the way, your rack looks fantastic.
- You seem like a great dad.
- Dj, is this about last night,
'cause I wouldn't wear a towel?
- No. No, we're good.
I don't wanna see that. Bury her deep.
- "bury her deep"?
Did he just say, "bury her deep"?
- Caroline, you need to work back there.
- Is this how hollywood treats women?
- This is how hollywood treats everyone.
- Everybody ready.
- Max, if you do this, you'll be getting paid for sex.
- Well, it's about time.
- Places, everyone.
- You don't have to do this. Chestnut is my horse.
- And action! Max, you're wiping the counter.
The killer comes in. You look up.
- [under breath] don't do it.
We can find money somewhere else.
- Cut! Tom, I don't wanna see her.
- Caroline. - Here they come.
- Come on, everybody. Back to one.
- And action! Max, you're wiping the counter.
The killer comes in. You look up.
- Pick up!
[bell dings]
Max, seriously, it's not worth it.
- Cut! Get her out of there.
Reset, reset. - Sorry about all that, people.
Now, let's give me the bullet
I've been waiting for my whole life.
- I haven't felt this unwanted
Since I tried to teach those inner-city school kids
How to knit.
- Caroline, you have to stay here,
Away from the shot,
Or neither of you is gonna be paid.
- Hey, tom, you know what this scene needs?
A little more cashier.
- Oy, that crew is doing a lot of damage to this diner.
- Well, I'm doing some damage to this fancy french water.
- 150 for the floor, 20 for the napkins they used,
And...
And 55 bucks for that gorgeous picture of the city.
- This is ridiculous.
How much longer do I have to wait to be discovered?
- Do what every other american would do--
Skip the hard work and put out a sex tape.
- No, I'm gonna go out there. Where's my lipstick?
Here, hold my shake weight.
And my fresca.
Oh, hi.
Who do I talk to about getting a part in this thing?
I mean, I already let the guy who puts out the cookies
Touch my boobs.
- We don't have a guy who puts out cookies.
- Yo.
- Okay, everybody ready! Camera up!
- Oh, he looks important.
- Oh, no, no! Stop, stop! - No! Let go!
- Ooh! - Not the blood switch!
[bang]
- Ahhh!
Someone shot max!
- Cut! Tom, get rid of max too.
Get me another girl.
- Typical!
Shoot on my chest and you're done with me.
- Hi, you looking for a new girl?
- Last time I looked like this,
I was coming out of an acid trip
And my friend daniel was missing.
- I gotta admit,
Getting shot felt kinda gangsta waitress.
I'm like notorious blt.
- So here's the deal.
We'll pay you for the day yesterday,
But not for today or for the featured extra.
- Say what? - Not so fast, my brother.
Here is the latest tally for my diner damage.
- What's this last $1,000 charge?
- That is for the damage done to max and caroline.
According to crew scuttlebutt,
The director tried some funny business last night.
- This is not cool, dude.
- It is most decidedly not cool, pal.
So maybe there is someone in a union I can talk to
About this particular damage.
- Not to mention the child labor laws you violated
By working with han.
- Don't talk to anyone. I'll get 'em paid.
This sucks.
I knew we should've shot at a denny's.
- Han, that is the sweetest, coolest thing
You just did for us.
- It is, and caroline is totally gonna put out for you tonight.
That's kind of her thing now.
- Well, I don't want anyone to take advantage of you two.
You're my girls.
- And tonight, on a very special episode of funk and skank,
The cute, tiny asian guy turns out to be the girls' pimp,
And the copstitutes are able to buy new horseshoes.