1
00:00:04,147 --> 00:00:06,915
- My new sheets
from the "under a dollar" store

2
00:00:06,917 --> 00:00:08,884
Feel so luxurious,

3
00:00:08,886 --> 00:00:10,852
Like they could maybe cost
over a dollar,

4
00:00:10,854 --> 00:00:13,188
Maybe even 2 or 3.

5
00:00:13,190 --> 00:00:17,392
- Yup. It was a good day
over at the "under a dollar."

6
00:00:17,394 --> 00:00:21,930
Steak, bed stuff,
and my new steak eatin' chair.

7
00:00:21,932 --> 00:00:24,499
- Doesn't it worry you that
you got that meat and furniture

8
00:00:24,501 --> 00:00:27,202
For the price
of an angry birds update?

9
00:00:27,204 --> 00:00:30,338
- Yeah, it worries me
that it'll never happen again.

10
00:00:30,340 --> 00:00:34,676
Sheets and steak?
Never dared to dream it.

11
00:00:34,678 --> 00:00:36,511
- These sheets
smell amazing too,

12
00:00:36,513 --> 00:00:38,780
Thanks to that
one little fabric softener ball,

13
00:00:38,782 --> 00:00:40,215
Also under a dollar.

14
00:00:40,217 --> 00:00:43,618
- I dated a guy
with one ball once.

15
00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:45,620
He was all self-conscious,
but I told him,

16
00:00:45,622 --> 00:00:48,924
"no big deal.
It's just as ugly as two."

17
00:00:48,926 --> 00:00:51,259
- I am going to get
such a good night's--

18
00:00:51,261 --> 00:00:55,964
Oh, sheet!

19
00:00:55,966 --> 00:00:59,067
"thread count: Yes.

20
00:00:59,069 --> 00:01:02,237
Washing instructions:
Do not wash."

21
00:01:02,239 --> 00:01:04,306
Are you sure
you want to sit in that?

22
00:01:04,308 --> 00:01:06,875
- Woman, don't talk to me
while I'm eatin' my steak!

23
00:01:11,481 --> 00:01:15,851
"instructions:
Do not sit."

24
00:01:16,853 --> 00:01:18,820
- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

25
00:01:18,822 --> 00:01:20,388
[cash register bell dings]

26
00:01:20,390 --> 00:01:25,460
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

27
00:01:31,567 --> 00:01:33,935
- Ow. [gasps]
yay, root beer barrel!

28
00:01:35,905 --> 00:01:37,139
Ow!

29
00:01:37,141 --> 00:01:40,375
What?
A candy trail.

30
00:01:40,377 --> 00:01:43,378
God, are you just
getting to me now?

31
00:01:43,380 --> 00:01:45,714
You do work
in mysterious ways.

32
00:01:45,716 --> 00:01:47,415
- I'm not god,
but I believe

33
00:01:47,417 --> 00:01:49,217
I did answer your roommate's
prayers last night.

34
00:01:49,219 --> 00:01:50,218
- [laughs]

35
00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:51,486
- Andy!

36
00:01:51,488 --> 00:01:53,688
So how'd this happen?

37
00:01:53,690 --> 00:01:57,492
Where'd you guys find
each other again? Rematch.Com?

38
00:01:57,494 --> 00:02:00,462
Empty-vajay date?

39
00:02:00,464 --> 00:02:02,397
- No, last night,
I thought,

40
00:02:02,399 --> 00:02:03,932
"well, these sheets
are already ruined,

41
00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:06,268
So I might as well
really ruin them with sex,"

42
00:02:06,270 --> 00:02:08,103
So I called andy.

43
00:02:08,105 --> 00:02:11,473
- And I was obviously flattered,
so I came over.

44
00:02:11,475 --> 00:02:14,743
- Well, I hope you guys spent
more than $1 for condoms.

45
00:02:14,745 --> 00:02:16,845
- Hey, there are two things
I never skimp on:

46
00:02:16,847 --> 00:02:19,014
Condoms and candy.
And max, did you see

47
00:02:19,016 --> 00:02:20,849
What I left over there
on the kitchen counter for you?

48
00:02:20,851 --> 00:02:23,818
- Condoms? Candy?
Condoms full of candy?

49
00:02:23,820 --> 00:02:25,787
- Well, now, you're
going to be disappointed,

50
00:02:25,789 --> 00:02:29,457
Because
it's just candy.

51
00:02:29,459 --> 00:02:31,326
- Ooh,
all my favorites!

52
00:02:31,328 --> 00:02:34,196
I wonder if I can get diabetes
before breakfast.

53
00:02:34,198 --> 00:02:36,698
Thanks, andy.

54
00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:38,833
Ha ha! That candy
was just a decoy,

55
00:02:38,835 --> 00:02:41,703
So you didn't see my push pop
when I got out of bed.

56
00:02:43,172 --> 00:02:46,541
- So...Are you and andy
back together?

57
00:02:46,543 --> 00:02:49,711
- No. It was just
a one-time thing.

58
00:02:49,713 --> 00:02:51,279
- Look at you.

59
00:02:51,281 --> 00:02:53,782
You're like the greek goddess
of booty calls.

60
00:02:53,784 --> 00:02:55,984
Aphro-whitey.

61
00:02:55,986 --> 00:02:59,354
- Kind of proud of myself.
My very first booty call.

62
00:02:59,356 --> 00:03:01,122
Well, actually,
it was a booty tweet.

63
00:03:01,124 --> 00:03:03,391
Booty's up
with the times.

64
00:03:03,393 --> 00:03:05,293
- Technically,
booty call's been around

65
00:03:05,295 --> 00:03:07,929
Since the old-timey times.
Alexander graham bell's

66
00:03:07,931 --> 00:03:11,499
Very first phone call
was "hey, you up?"

67
00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:17,072
- Hey, so, um, I gotta go.
Is that cool?

68
00:03:17,074 --> 00:03:19,307
- Oh, super cool, sure.

69
00:03:19,309 --> 00:03:21,743
What do we do, kiss?
High-five?

70
00:03:21,745 --> 00:03:23,712
Max, what do you do
in this situation?

71
00:03:23,714 --> 00:03:25,947
- I usually wave at him
with my arm clenched,

72
00:03:25,949 --> 00:03:28,483
'cause I'm hiding his wallet
in it.

73
00:03:29,819 --> 00:03:32,687
- Well,
nice seeing you.

74
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,626
- I don't usually
do the salute,

75
00:03:37,628 --> 00:03:40,295
But okay,
that can be your thing.

76
00:03:43,132 --> 00:03:44,766
- Earl,
here's my last check.

77
00:03:44,768 --> 00:03:48,270
Can you tip me out?
I have a possible booty call.

78
00:03:48,272 --> 00:03:50,005
- Well, caroline,
you've reached

79
00:03:50,007 --> 00:03:53,508
A new place of familiarity
with me.

80
00:03:53,510 --> 00:03:57,512
Unfortunately, I've not reached
that same place with you.

81
00:03:59,482 --> 00:04:01,650
- Can you cover my tables?

82
00:04:01,652 --> 00:04:03,385
- I've been doing that
since you started working here,

83
00:04:03,387 --> 00:04:04,819
So yes.

84
00:04:04,821 --> 00:04:06,221
- Good, 'cause I'm gonna
text andy

85
00:04:06,223 --> 00:04:07,856
For another booty call,
and maybe this time

86
00:04:07,858 --> 00:04:09,924
We can go out
and have a booty breakfast.

87
00:04:09,926 --> 00:04:15,163
- As the president of the casual
sex society, local chapter,

88
00:04:15,165 --> 00:04:16,865
I call bull on your booty.

89
00:04:16,867 --> 00:04:18,667
- What?
It's a booty call.

90
00:04:18,669 --> 00:04:19,868
- Not with you it isn't.

91
00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:21,436
You think
that booty breakfast

92
00:04:21,438 --> 00:04:22,937
Will maybe lead
to a booty dinner

93
00:04:22,939 --> 00:04:24,839
Then maybe booty engaged
and booty married

94
00:04:24,841 --> 00:04:26,908
And have a couple booty kids
and a booty retirement home

95
00:04:26,910 --> 00:04:28,576
And then
booty die together.

96
00:04:28,578 --> 00:04:31,046
- That's not true.
He'll die before me,

97
00:04:31,048 --> 00:04:34,115
Then I'll take
a dance class.

98
00:04:36,552 --> 00:04:39,421
- What are you doing?
Do you have to pee?

99
00:04:39,423 --> 00:04:43,091
- No, I feel something...
[whispering] down there.

100
00:04:43,093 --> 00:04:46,795
- Yeah, you woke it up.
Now it's hungry.

101
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:56,805
But you don't take it back
to the same restaurant.

102
00:04:56,807 --> 00:04:59,808
- What is that and why is it
wearing a bow tie?

103
00:04:59,810 --> 00:05:03,445
- Maybe because an actual tie
would drag on the ground.

104
00:05:05,147 --> 00:05:07,382
- Speaking
of "dragging on the ground,"

105
00:05:07,384 --> 00:05:09,551
Maybe you could drag an antelope
back to your cave

106
00:05:09,553 --> 00:05:12,020
And have sex with it.

107
00:05:12,022 --> 00:05:14,956
See, I have
a sense of humor too.

108
00:05:14,958 --> 00:05:18,126
That's one of the attributes
on my online dating profile.

109
00:05:18,128 --> 00:05:20,528
- Han, are you all dressed up
because you're expecting a date?

110
00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:22,464
- Oh, I'm expecting
a lot more than a date.

111
00:05:22,466 --> 00:05:24,632
Our profiles
matched us perfectly.

112
00:05:24,634 --> 00:05:26,201
This might be the one.

113
00:05:26,203 --> 00:05:27,902
- Which one? The first one?
The only one?

114
00:05:27,904 --> 00:05:30,572
The one that accidentally
steps on you?

115
00:05:30,574 --> 00:05:33,341
- She was supposed to be here
a half hour ago.

116
00:05:33,343 --> 00:05:35,577
- Well, you know,
subways run late,

117
00:05:35,579 --> 00:05:37,479
Especially
if you don't get on them

118
00:05:37,481 --> 00:05:39,080
Because
you don't really exist

119
00:05:39,082 --> 00:05:41,983
And are a money-scamming man
in nairobi.

120
00:05:41,985 --> 00:05:45,487
- Hi, I'm looking for han lee,
the owner.

121
00:05:45,489 --> 00:05:48,390
- There she is. Pretty,
blonde, and clearly not a man.

122
00:05:48,392 --> 00:05:50,658
Who's laughing now?

123
00:05:50,660 --> 00:05:52,660
- You shouldn't
jump to conclusions.

124
00:05:52,662 --> 00:05:54,729
I once had a date
with a blonde woman.

125
00:05:54,731 --> 00:05:57,665
Turns out, the curtains
matched the penis on that one.

126
00:06:01,404 --> 00:06:04,339
- Hello. Are you ashley?
I'm han lee.

127
00:06:04,341 --> 00:06:07,075
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

128
00:06:07,077 --> 00:06:09,978
I left something in my car.
I'll be right back.

129
00:06:11,947 --> 00:06:13,615
- Is she coming back?

130
00:06:13,617 --> 00:06:18,653
- Han, jesus is coming back
before she is.

131
00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:23,024
- Han,
you're too good for her.

132
00:06:23,026 --> 00:06:24,426
- I don't understand.

133
00:06:24,428 --> 00:06:27,429
We were 97% compatible
on the website.

134
00:06:27,431 --> 00:06:29,330
- Let me see your profile.

135
00:06:29,332 --> 00:06:31,833
Who's that?
- That's me.

136
00:06:31,835 --> 00:06:37,172
- No, that's the hot asian star
from <i>hawaii five-0.</i>

137
00:06:37,174 --> 00:06:39,174
- What?
We kinda look alike.

138
00:06:39,176 --> 00:06:41,943
- The only thing
you have in common

139
00:06:41,945 --> 00:06:47,048
With this guy from <i>hawaii five-0</i>
<i>is that you are 5'0".</i>

140
00:06:49,852 --> 00:06:52,120
And han, "athletic"?

141
00:06:52,122 --> 00:06:53,822
- In school, I ran track.

142
00:06:53,824 --> 00:06:58,326
- Running under the hurdles
doesn't count as track.

143
00:06:58,328 --> 00:07:00,128
Han,
this is totally lame.

144
00:07:00,130 --> 00:07:02,030
Let me help you
find the right girl.

145
00:07:02,032 --> 00:07:04,532
You give me so much joy
at your expense,

146
00:07:04,534 --> 00:07:06,434
I feel like
I need to give back.

147
00:07:06,436 --> 00:07:10,305
- Thank you, max, I'm insulted
and honored at the same time.

148
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,942
- Seeing han and ashley together
for that one second

149
00:07:13,944 --> 00:07:16,110
Made me realize I want to be
back in a relationship.

150
00:07:16,112 --> 00:07:17,712
I'm going to text andy.

151
00:07:17,714 --> 00:07:20,815
- I knew it. I called that.
I booty called that.

152
00:07:20,817 --> 00:07:23,651
Your casual sex card
is being revoked.

153
00:07:23,653 --> 00:07:27,555
Unfortunately, andy is still
an active member, very active.

154
00:07:27,557 --> 00:07:29,057
- What are you talking about?

155
00:07:29,059 --> 00:07:32,227
- I'm saying
he has an active member.

156
00:07:32,229 --> 00:07:33,928
He told me
he's seeing someone.

157
00:07:33,930 --> 00:07:35,430
- He's seeing someone?

158
00:07:35,432 --> 00:07:37,799
- Actually,
he's seeing a few someones.

159
00:07:37,801 --> 00:07:39,901
- How many someones?

160
00:07:39,903 --> 00:07:42,237
Oh, it's back.

161
00:07:42,239 --> 00:07:43,938
Do you think this itch
has anything to do

162
00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:45,740
With those many someones?

163
00:07:45,742 --> 00:07:47,775
Do you think
he gave me something?

164
00:07:47,777 --> 00:07:51,412
- Well, if he did,
you just gave it to the counter.

165
00:08:00,923 --> 00:08:03,491
- What did poor people do
before webmd?

166
00:08:03,493 --> 00:08:06,694
- They died.

167
00:08:06,696 --> 00:08:08,496
Ooh! What is that?

168
00:08:08,498 --> 00:08:11,833
It's all red and chunky.
I hope that's not what you have.

169
00:08:11,835 --> 00:08:13,668
- Max, that's salsa.

170
00:08:17,439 --> 00:08:21,242
- But look.
- Oh! What the hell is that?

171
00:08:21,244 --> 00:08:25,346
What the hell does jen
from new rochelle have?

172
00:08:25,348 --> 00:08:26,714
- It's a rash.
Jen says

173
00:08:26,716 --> 00:08:28,883
"it was bad for awhile,
then disappeared."

174
00:08:28,885 --> 00:08:32,420
- So jen came down
with a case of "my father"?

175
00:08:32,422 --> 00:08:34,923
- A rash.
That doesn't sound so bad.

176
00:08:34,925 --> 00:08:36,357
I could live with a rash.

177
00:08:36,359 --> 00:08:39,294
- Except dr. Web thinks
it might be herpes.

178
00:08:39,296 --> 00:08:44,098
- Trust me, I don't have it.
Jen's obviously a whore.

179
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:46,067
- Well,
does it look like this?

180
00:08:46,069 --> 00:08:48,536
- I don't know, I can't quite
bend over far enough to see it.

181
00:08:48,538 --> 00:08:50,738
- Fine.
I'll look at it.

182
00:08:50,740 --> 00:08:52,907
- What? No!

183
00:08:52,909 --> 00:08:56,377
- What?
Jen showed me hers.

184
00:08:56,379 --> 00:08:58,780
- I'm sure
mine is just a rash.

185
00:08:58,782 --> 00:09:02,517
- Cathy from colorado says,
"I thought it was just a rash,

186
00:09:02,519 --> 00:09:07,055
But guess what?
Rashes are always herpes."

187
00:09:07,057 --> 00:09:09,657
- I can't have herpes.

188
00:09:09,659 --> 00:09:13,061
Sex is the only fun thing
poor people can afford.

189
00:09:13,063 --> 00:09:16,864
Oh, my god. Oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god.

190
00:09:16,866 --> 00:09:19,067
- Just let me see it.

191
00:09:19,069 --> 00:09:21,703
- Max, I could not continue
to live here if you ever saw it.

192
00:09:21,705 --> 00:09:23,871
- Well, then definitely
let me see it.

193
00:09:23,873 --> 00:09:28,876
It's okay, I have one too,
except mine has a "welcome" mat.

194
00:09:31,714 --> 00:09:33,081
- I know, I'll just
take a picture of it.

195
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:36,751
- And that's how kim kardashian
became famous.

196
00:09:36,753 --> 00:09:39,153
- It's bad enough I'm taking
a picture of my vagina,

197
00:09:39,155 --> 00:09:41,889
I'm doing it
with an iphone 3.

198
00:09:45,494 --> 00:09:47,762
- Too dark.
Needs a flash.

199
00:09:47,764 --> 00:09:50,264
- All right,
but watch out for red-eye.

200
00:09:56,538 --> 00:10:00,742
- Ohh...There she is.

201
00:10:00,744 --> 00:10:02,710
Yeah, that's definitely
something.

202
00:10:02,712 --> 00:10:06,581
- Let me see it.
- Wait, it needs a filter.

203
00:10:06,583 --> 00:10:09,350
Lo-fi, no.
Valencia, no.

204
00:10:09,352 --> 00:10:11,219
Oh, maybe just a border.

205
00:10:11,221 --> 00:10:12,954
- Just give it to me.

206
00:10:12,956 --> 00:10:16,124
Oh ho,
that's not good.

207
00:10:16,126 --> 00:10:17,425
- I just want to go
on the record.

208
00:10:17,427 --> 00:10:18,626
It doesn't always
look like that.

209
00:10:18,628 --> 00:10:20,862
It's actually quite pretty.

210
00:10:20,864 --> 00:10:23,765
- Well, now it has
a good personality.

211
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:25,533
[knocking at the door]

212
00:10:25,535 --> 00:10:27,802
- Oh, that's probably
the center for disease control

213
00:10:27,804 --> 00:10:29,871
Coming to get me
with their van.

214
00:10:29,873 --> 00:10:32,740
I'll get it.
The walking helps.

215
00:10:32,742 --> 00:10:34,142
Oh, my god.

216
00:10:34,144 --> 00:10:36,644
Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god.

217
00:10:36,646 --> 00:10:41,616
- Hi, girls! I got chinese food.
You want to hang out?

218
00:10:41,618 --> 00:10:43,718
- Sophie,
this isn't a good time.

219
00:10:45,554 --> 00:10:49,057
- Uh-ohh, someone's got
the herp walk.

220
00:10:51,660 --> 00:10:54,562
- Sophie, we don't know what
it is. It could just be a rash.

221
00:10:54,564 --> 00:10:57,198
- Yeah, it could,
but it probably isn't.

222
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,633
Yeah, let me see.
- Stop it.

223
00:10:58,635 --> 00:11:02,704
- What? It's okay,
I was a nurse back in poland.

224
00:11:02,706 --> 00:11:05,406
You've heard
of "doctors without borders"?

225
00:11:05,408 --> 00:11:09,644
Well, we were
"nurses without credentials."

226
00:11:09,646 --> 00:11:13,881
Yeah. Our motto was:
"what? We want to help."

227
00:11:13,883 --> 00:11:15,349
- Quit--stop it!

228
00:11:15,351 --> 00:11:17,819
Max,
don't show sophie--

229
00:11:17,821 --> 00:11:20,922
- Oh, my <i>god!</i>

230
00:11:20,924 --> 00:11:27,395
Oh, I mean, come on,
slap a filter on this thing.

231
00:11:27,397 --> 00:11:31,032
- Okay. I'm done. I'm done
with nurses without credentials

232
00:11:31,034 --> 00:11:32,867
Or doctors without faces.

233
00:11:32,869 --> 00:11:34,669
Tomorrow,
I'm going to a free clinic.

234
00:11:34,671 --> 00:11:38,573
- Well, is real bad.
You better run, don't herp walk.

235
00:11:40,509 --> 00:11:44,579
- Whoa, this thing says one
out of six people have herpes!

236
00:11:46,949 --> 00:11:49,283
Uh-ohh.

237
00:11:49,285 --> 00:11:52,186
- Max, anyone in here
could be the "one in six."

238
00:11:52,188 --> 00:11:54,622
Are you sure you don't want
to get tested while we're here?

239
00:11:54,624 --> 00:11:56,190
- Nah, I'm bad at tests.

240
00:11:56,192 --> 00:11:58,092
Besides,
if you can't afford a doctor,

241
00:11:58,094 --> 00:12:00,428
It's better to just spend
whatever money you got on weed

242
00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:02,930
To help you forget
whatever you got.

243
00:12:02,932 --> 00:12:04,465
- Caroline channing.

244
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:05,833
- That's so embarrassing.

245
00:12:05,835 --> 00:12:07,769
Could she say my name
any louder?

246
00:12:07,771 --> 00:12:09,771
- [shouting]
caroline channing!

247
00:12:09,773 --> 00:12:12,507
- I guess she could.
- Miss channing,

248
00:12:12,509 --> 00:12:14,542
Now, you wrote here
the reason for your visit

249
00:12:14,544 --> 00:12:18,479
Is an "uncomfortable sensation
in your nether regions."

250
00:12:18,481 --> 00:12:20,515
Could you be
more specific?

251
00:12:20,517 --> 00:12:22,016
- Is there
a more private area

252
00:12:22,018 --> 00:12:24,352
We could discuss
my private area?

253
00:12:24,354 --> 00:12:26,220
- Oh, I'm sorry!

254
00:12:26,222 --> 00:12:28,456
Let me bring out
my hot air balloon

255
00:12:28,458 --> 00:12:33,161
And we'll take
a tour of the city...

256
00:12:33,163 --> 00:12:37,298
While we discuss your
uncomfortable lady sensation.

257
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:39,634
- Shirley,
the only lady sensation

258
00:12:39,636 --> 00:12:41,803
I'm seeing in this office
is you.

259
00:12:41,805 --> 00:12:43,805
- Oh, well,
I appreciate that, girl.

260
00:12:43,807 --> 00:12:46,140
I try to lighten the load
with a little humor.

261
00:12:46,142 --> 00:12:48,309
- Well, I don't need the jokes.
Thank you.

262
00:12:48,311 --> 00:12:51,412
- Oh, they not for you.
They for us. [chuckles]

263
00:12:51,414 --> 00:12:55,683
- I need to be tested for...
[whispering] herpes.

264
00:12:55,685 --> 00:12:59,620
- Girl, you sound like you're
doing a perfume ad for herpes.

265
00:12:59,622 --> 00:13:01,956
- Just give her the phone.

266
00:13:03,625 --> 00:13:05,159
- Mm.

267
00:13:05,161 --> 00:13:06,627
Well,
this is either herpes

268
00:13:06,629 --> 00:13:08,729
Or something
I ain't never seen before.

269
00:13:08,731 --> 00:13:11,833
Now, the hsv-2
is not a standard pap.

270
00:13:11,835 --> 00:13:16,070
It is a specific blood test,
and it is $250.

271
00:13:16,072 --> 00:13:18,406
- Well, the only way I know
how to get money for that test

272
00:13:18,408 --> 00:13:21,776
In the next hour
will probably give me an std.

273
00:13:21,778 --> 00:13:24,078
- Can we maybe work out
a cheaper price?

274
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,247
We're waitresses nearby
at the williamsburg diner.

275
00:13:26,249 --> 00:13:28,850
I can give you free food
for as long as I work there.

276
00:13:28,852 --> 00:13:32,186
And now that I may have this,
I mean, where else am I going?

277
00:13:32,188 --> 00:13:35,122
- Blood test or denial?

278
00:13:35,124 --> 00:13:36,991
- Blood test.

279
00:13:36,993 --> 00:13:39,026
I'll just ask andy
for a loan.

280
00:13:39,028 --> 00:13:40,294
But it's actually
more of a buy,

281
00:13:40,296 --> 00:13:42,430
Since he already
ruined the property.

282
00:13:42,432 --> 00:13:44,999
- Classic
"you break it, you buy it."

283
00:13:45,001 --> 00:13:47,101
- Hey, max.

284
00:13:47,103 --> 00:13:50,438
Good to see you.

285
00:13:54,943 --> 00:13:57,245
- I hooked up with that guy
once.

286
00:13:57,247 --> 00:14:00,014
Um, do you know
what he was here for

287
00:14:00,016 --> 00:14:02,450
And how long he's had it?

288
00:14:02,452 --> 00:14:06,053
You know what, give me one
of those sexual history forms.

289
00:14:06,055 --> 00:14:09,190
This sexual history list
is hard.

290
00:14:09,192 --> 00:14:11,125
Can't it just be
a top ten?

291
00:14:11,127 --> 00:14:13,261
- Well,
andy's not here yet.

292
00:14:13,263 --> 00:14:14,695
He's probably busy
getting busy

293
00:14:14,697 --> 00:14:17,565
With his ragtag team
of gutter skanks.

294
00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:19,433
- "gutter skanks"?
Didn't I see them open

295
00:14:19,435 --> 00:14:20,568
For cannibal corpse?

296
00:14:20,570 --> 00:14:23,037
Look,
you need to relax.

297
00:14:23,039 --> 00:14:25,573
Why don't we just get a drink,
or nine?

298
00:14:25,575 --> 00:14:27,975
Two double jack and gingers.
Oh, yeah, jack.

299
00:14:27,977 --> 00:14:30,611
Number 38.

300
00:14:30,613 --> 00:14:33,648
Oh, and that ginger.
Number 39.

301
00:14:33,650 --> 00:14:35,416
- Max, look,
jen from new rochelle

302
00:14:35,418 --> 00:14:37,051
Put up a new update
on webmd.

303
00:14:37,053 --> 00:14:39,820
She says her life has gotten
so much better

304
00:14:39,822 --> 00:14:43,724
After joining a site
called "his-and-herpes."

305
00:14:43,726 --> 00:14:46,327
Hi, andy.
Have a seat.

306
00:14:46,329 --> 00:14:49,063
- Remember, you don't know
that he gave it to you,

307
00:14:49,065 --> 00:14:50,898
And you don't know
that you have it, so be cool.

308
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:52,767
- Don't worry, max,
I got this.

309
00:14:52,769 --> 00:14:55,336
And andy, I got that!

310
00:14:55,338 --> 00:14:58,306
- Oh!
I thought it was annoying

311
00:14:58,308 --> 00:15:00,841
When people took pictures
of their food.

312
00:15:00,843 --> 00:15:02,910
- When were you gonna
tell me, andy?

313
00:15:02,912 --> 00:15:04,679
When my vagina
burst into flames

314
00:15:04,681 --> 00:15:07,181
And became
an actual burning bush?

315
00:15:07,183 --> 00:15:09,750
- Wait, that's yours?

316
00:15:09,752 --> 00:15:11,986
- Worst selfie ever,
right?

317
00:15:11,988 --> 00:15:15,890
- Wow,
I didn't recognize it.

318
00:15:15,892 --> 00:15:18,392
Was it out in the sun?

319
00:15:18,394 --> 00:15:22,163
- You owe me $250
for the blood test, andy.

320
00:15:22,165 --> 00:15:23,998
- And $9 for that drink.

321
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,934
Look,
everybody just calm down.

322
00:15:26,936 --> 00:15:29,837
Andy, you may or may not
have given her herpes.

323
00:15:29,839 --> 00:15:31,906
She may or may not be
overreacting.

324
00:15:31,908 --> 00:15:34,508
I may or may not have
slept with that bartender.

325
00:15:34,510 --> 00:15:38,179
He is my type, and yet,
he has a job, so he's not,

326
00:15:38,181 --> 00:15:41,782
And he goes
in the "maybes."

327
00:15:41,784 --> 00:15:43,684
- Look, caroline,
I'm really sorry,

328
00:15:43,686 --> 00:15:45,186
But I am totally clean.

329
00:15:45,188 --> 00:15:47,555
Since we broke up,
I have only had safe sex

330
00:15:47,557 --> 00:15:50,024
With a special ed teacher
and a dental hygienist.

331
00:15:50,026 --> 00:15:52,960
I mean, that job has "hygiene"
right in the title.

332
00:15:52,962 --> 00:15:55,730
Wait, oh,
there were a couple of times

333
00:15:55,732 --> 00:15:58,799
Where I did have unsafe sex
with myself.

334
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:02,269
But only when I couldn't sleep.
And a lot of other times.

335
00:16:02,271 --> 00:16:05,272
I will go get tested tomorrow,
but please, in the meantime,

336
00:16:05,274 --> 00:16:07,041
Try not to go
to the worst-case scenario.

337
00:16:07,043 --> 00:16:08,809
- I'm not going
to the worst-case scenario,

338
00:16:08,811 --> 00:16:10,811
But if we both have it,
no one else is going to want us,

339
00:16:10,813 --> 00:16:12,813
So we should just
get married.

340
00:16:12,815 --> 00:16:14,782
- "you gave me herpes,
now you have to marry me."

341
00:16:14,784 --> 00:16:17,284
You want to save that gold
for our wedding vows?

342
00:16:17,286 --> 00:16:20,187
- Well, if you don't use it,
I will.

343
00:16:26,995 --> 00:16:28,562
- I can't wait till tomorrow
for my test results.

344
00:16:28,564 --> 00:16:29,964
I'm going to call
the clinic.

345
00:16:29,966 --> 00:16:31,699
- You've left, like,
ten messages.

346
00:16:31,701 --> 00:16:34,835
You're acting like the clinic's
crazy ex-girlfriend.

347
00:16:34,837 --> 00:16:36,537
- Well, I'm leaving
another message.

348
00:16:36,539 --> 00:16:37,872
Hand me my phone.

349
00:16:42,144 --> 00:16:45,212
- What? I have to stay healthy
in case you have it.

350
00:16:45,214 --> 00:16:48,682
Someone's got to pick up
your welfare checks.

351
00:16:48,684 --> 00:16:52,820
- Well, this is my life now.
Working at a diner with herpes.

352
00:16:52,822 --> 00:16:54,455
The very best
I can ever hope to be

353
00:16:54,457 --> 00:16:57,525
Is a mentor
for a younger girl with herpes.

354
00:16:59,327 --> 00:17:01,896
- Hi.
Maybe you can help me.

355
00:17:01,898 --> 00:17:05,599
- Well, with that smile and
my bad heart, I'll die trying.

356
00:17:05,601 --> 00:17:07,268
- [laughs]

357
00:17:07,270 --> 00:17:09,170
I'm looking
for the overly-emotional girl

358
00:17:09,172 --> 00:17:10,838
That works here
as a waitress.

359
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:14,075
- Oh, my god!
What are you doing here?

360
00:17:14,077 --> 00:17:17,111
Am I dying?
Are you the angel of death?

361
00:17:17,113 --> 00:17:19,680
- I think I found her.

362
00:17:19,682 --> 00:17:21,582
Can we have a seat
for a minute?

363
00:17:21,584 --> 00:17:23,651
- Max, max,
she wants to sit down.

364
00:17:23,653 --> 00:17:25,453
Come here
and hold my hand.

365
00:17:25,455 --> 00:17:30,291
- Oh, I'll hold your hand
after I find out what you have.

366
00:17:30,293 --> 00:17:31,992
- No need to be
all dramatic.

367
00:17:31,994 --> 00:17:34,829
I just came to tell you
that your blood test came back,

368
00:17:34,831 --> 00:17:39,767
But I am not allowed to give you
the results without a doctor.

369
00:17:39,769 --> 00:17:41,001
- You're not?

370
00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:42,436
- No, I am not.

371
00:17:42,438 --> 00:17:46,440
That's a neg-a-tive,
a neg-a-tive.

372
00:17:46,442 --> 00:17:48,976
- Wait. Are you saying
it's negative?

373
00:17:48,978 --> 00:17:52,046
- I could not tell you that.

374
00:17:52,048 --> 00:17:55,015
I also could not tell you
that it was probably

375
00:17:55,017 --> 00:17:58,085
An allergic reaction to soap
or laundry detergent.

376
00:17:58,087 --> 00:18:01,222
- Oh, my god! Max, it was
that fabric softener ball

377
00:18:01,224 --> 00:18:03,624
From the "under a dollar" store.
Oh!

378
00:18:03,626 --> 00:18:08,028
I'm not a cheap whore.
I'm just poor.

379
00:18:08,030 --> 00:18:11,198
- Shirley, it was really cool
of you to come all the way in,

380
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,367
Because we were really
very upset,

381
00:18:13,369 --> 00:18:16,437
So upset that a caring
medical professional like you

382
00:18:16,439 --> 00:18:18,105
Would probably
help us out

383
00:18:18,107 --> 00:18:21,909
With something
for our anxiety or parties.

384
00:18:21,911 --> 00:18:24,278
- Nice try.

385
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,047
But I'm not here just
out of the goodness of my heart.

386
00:18:27,049 --> 00:18:30,417
I'm here for my free fries.
I'm starving.

387
00:18:30,419 --> 00:18:31,986
I haven't been able to eat
since you showed me

388
00:18:31,988 --> 00:18:36,991
That phone picture
of your bits and pieces.

389
00:18:36,993 --> 00:18:39,960
- Fries coming right up.
- And thank you so much.

390
00:18:39,962 --> 00:18:42,229
- Oh, it's nice
to give out good news.

391
00:18:42,231 --> 00:18:45,132
What about you? When can I
give you some good news?

392
00:18:45,134 --> 00:18:46,667
- I'll be in tomorrow,
I'm just waiting

393
00:18:46,669 --> 00:18:49,737
For a call back
from john mayer.

394
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,408
- Hi,
I'm looking for han lee.

395
00:18:54,410 --> 00:18:56,544
- Oh, that's the girl
I set up han with.

396
00:18:56,546 --> 00:19:00,881
- No visible adam's apple.
Go for it.

397
00:19:00,883 --> 00:19:04,218
- Oh, max, she's very pretty.
Are you sure she'll go for me?

398
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:06,420
- I think she might.
Let's go say hi.

399
00:19:06,422 --> 00:19:09,356
Hi, you must be jen.
Jen, this is han.

400
00:19:09,358 --> 00:19:12,059
Han, this is jen
from new rochelle.

401
00:19:12,061 --> 00:19:13,661
- Hi.
- Hello.

402
00:19:13,663 --> 00:19:16,363
- Jen from new rochelle?
Max, no!

403
00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:17,731
- What?
It could just be

404
00:19:17,733 --> 00:19:21,001
A reaction
to her laundry detergent.

405
00:19:24,606 --> 00:19:28,776
- I'm clean!
Totally clean!

406
00:19:30,712 --> 00:19:33,847
Shirley was as surprised
as I am.

407
00:19:33,849 --> 00:19:36,217
- Oh, max,
I'm so happy for you.

408
00:19:36,219 --> 00:19:38,752
- Yep, I dodged a bullet,
but from now on,

409
00:19:38,754 --> 00:19:40,254
I'm going to be
a little more discerning.

410
00:19:40,256 --> 00:19:42,423
I'm not 13 anymore.

411
00:19:42,425 --> 00:19:45,693
- So I just texted andy and
told him it was a false alarm.

412
00:19:45,695 --> 00:19:47,461
I didn't have it.
- What did he say?

413
00:19:47,463 --> 00:19:49,863
- He said,
"hey, you up?"

414
00:19:49,865 --> 00:19:52,066
But I'm definitely not
gonna go.

415
00:19:52,068 --> 00:19:53,601
Am I?

416
00:19:53,603 --> 00:19:55,035
- All right,
here's the thing.

417
00:19:55,037 --> 00:19:57,204
This is about something bigger
than andy.

418
00:19:57,206 --> 00:19:58,739
- Actually,
andy's quite--

419
00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:00,641
- Oh, I know.

420
00:20:00,643 --> 00:20:02,309
Came out to get
a drink of water.

421
00:20:02,311 --> 00:20:04,712
Saw it, loved it.

422
00:20:04,714 --> 00:20:07,615
Look, I'm going to
keep this simple.

423
00:20:07,617 --> 00:20:11,652
You are using andy
to fill a hole.

424
00:20:13,455 --> 00:20:17,224
- Yes, max,
that's how sex works.

425
00:20:17,226 --> 00:20:19,393
- Ever since
the business closed,

426
00:20:19,395 --> 00:20:20,995
You've got
all this free time,

427
00:20:20,997 --> 00:20:22,830
And you don't know
what to do with yourself.

428
00:20:22,832 --> 00:20:26,900
- I hear you. You're right,
ever since the business closed,

429
00:20:26,902 --> 00:20:28,602
I do have a huge hole.

430
00:20:28,604 --> 00:20:30,904
- I know. Came out
to get a drink of water.

431
00:20:30,906 --> 00:20:33,307
Saw it, loved it.

432
00:20:33,309 --> 00:20:35,175
- Max, I know we said
we were gonna

433
00:20:35,177 --> 00:20:38,012
Do the cupcake business again,
but now we have to make it real.

434
00:20:38,014 --> 00:20:39,680
I mean,
I'm a businesswoman.

435
00:20:39,682 --> 00:20:41,315
I need to have a business,
or apparently, I'm gonna

436
00:20:41,317 --> 00:20:43,484
Put someone else's business
into my business.

437
00:20:43,486 --> 00:20:44,685
[knocking at the door]

438
00:20:44,687 --> 00:20:46,186
So max, tomorrow,
we start again,

439
00:20:46,188 --> 00:20:48,188
And this time,
we have to give it our all.

440
00:20:48,190 --> 00:20:52,359
- Clear vaginas, full hearts,
can't lose.

441
00:20:52,361 --> 00:20:55,162
- Hey, girls.

442
00:20:55,164 --> 00:20:56,597
I came down
with a solution

443
00:20:56,599 --> 00:20:59,333
To your herpes problem,
caroline.

444
00:20:59,335 --> 00:21:02,036
Just don't tell anyone!

445
00:21:02,038 --> 00:21:03,937
- Sophie,
I don't have it.

446
00:21:03,939 --> 00:21:06,206
- That's it!
That's the way to do it!

447
00:21:06,208 --> 00:21:09,276
Problem solved.
All right, bye-bye.