1
00:00:01,411 --> 00:00:03,545
[bed frame banging on wall]
2
00:00:03,547 --> 00:00:05,981
- Oh, yeah, baby.
Oh, take it all!
3
00:00:05,983 --> 00:00:08,083
- Oh, oh, no,
you take it, baby.
4
00:00:08,085 --> 00:00:10,085
- No, baby,
you take it all!
5
00:00:10,087 --> 00:00:14,022
- Oh, no, you take it, baby.
- No, baby, you take it!
6
00:00:14,024 --> 00:00:16,091
- Dear god,
will one of you just take it
7
00:00:16,093 --> 00:00:17,759
And get it over with?
8
00:00:17,761 --> 00:00:20,028
Max, there is no way
you could be sleeping
9
00:00:20,030 --> 00:00:21,496
Through oleg
and sophie.
10
00:00:21,498 --> 00:00:24,566
[moaning and heavy breathing]
11
00:00:26,069 --> 00:00:27,235
Does that actually work?
12
00:00:27,237 --> 00:00:31,173
- It does,
with a little help from this.
13
00:00:31,175 --> 00:00:33,942
- Gimme.
14
00:00:33,944 --> 00:00:35,043
Whoo!
15
00:00:35,045 --> 00:00:37,045
I was hoping
that'd be fruitier.
16
00:00:37,047 --> 00:00:39,081
- [moans]
- I mean, they're here.
17
00:00:39,083 --> 00:00:41,216
They're there.
Then, they're here again.
18
00:00:41,218 --> 00:00:43,885
It's like we're a village
under attack.
19
00:00:43,887 --> 00:00:45,420
- Yup, just a matter
of time
20
00:00:45,422 --> 00:00:47,756
Till someone sends in
a drone.
21
00:00:47,758 --> 00:00:48,890
[moaning and heavy breathing]
22
00:00:48,892 --> 00:00:50,725
- And it's not just
that moaning.
23
00:00:50,727 --> 00:00:53,528
I think I heard a big ball
rolling around up there.
24
00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:55,197
- If a ball
is rolling around up there,
25
00:00:55,199 --> 00:00:57,199
Oleg should stop
and see a doctor.
26
00:00:57,201 --> 00:00:58,700
[moaning and grunting]
27
00:00:58,702 --> 00:01:02,137
- This couldn't be
any more intrusive.
28
00:01:02,139 --> 00:01:03,472
Oh!
29
00:01:08,311 --> 00:01:09,544
- Uh-oh.
30
00:01:11,247 --> 00:01:13,448
- Sorry about that.
31
00:01:16,052 --> 00:01:17,486
- A bowling ball?
32
00:01:17,488 --> 00:01:20,155
And why do they need
a bowling ball?
33
00:01:20,157 --> 00:01:23,959
- Maybe they ran out
of holes.
34
00:01:23,961 --> 00:01:27,662
- Have you guys
seen a ball?
35
00:01:27,664 --> 00:01:30,265
- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
36
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:34,202
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
37
00:01:42,078 --> 00:01:43,078
[bell dings]
- pick up, max.
38
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,280
And sorry about the hole
in your ceiling.
39
00:01:45,282 --> 00:01:47,182
- Oleg, I'm not even
gonna ask you
40
00:01:47,184 --> 00:01:48,750
To keep it
in your pants anymore,
41
00:01:48,752 --> 00:01:52,220
But could you keep it
in your apartment?
42
00:01:55,258 --> 00:01:57,859
Oh, hey, sophie.
- Hey, max.
43
00:01:57,861 --> 00:02:00,262
Oh, spring is in
the air.
44
00:02:00,264 --> 00:02:02,764
This is the time of year
in poland
45
00:02:02,766 --> 00:02:04,299
When the snow
would melt
46
00:02:04,301 --> 00:02:08,270
And all our dead relatives
would float back to us.
47
00:02:08,272 --> 00:02:09,938
- I've never been
to europe,
48
00:02:09,940 --> 00:02:13,441
But it sounds beautiful.
49
00:02:13,443 --> 00:02:15,210
- Max, where is caroline?
50
00:02:15,212 --> 00:02:17,345
And don't tell me
she's in the ladies' room,
51
00:02:17,347 --> 00:02:19,281
Because I already peeked
under all those stalls.
52
00:02:19,283 --> 00:02:21,449
She wasn't there.
53
00:02:21,451 --> 00:02:23,952
But I saw things.
54
00:02:25,888 --> 00:02:30,325
- Well, congratulations
on finally seeing those things.
55
00:02:30,327 --> 00:02:32,227
- She's 20 minutes late,
and, as the boss,
56
00:02:32,229 --> 00:02:33,395
I will
not have it.
57
00:02:33,397 --> 00:02:36,731
- Wow, someone woke up
on the wrong side of his crib.
58
00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:41,169
- You're late.
This is unacceptable.
59
00:02:41,171 --> 00:02:42,170
- Don't mind him.
60
00:02:42,172 --> 00:02:43,538
He just saw
his first vagina,
61
00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:47,209
And he's furious.
62
00:02:47,211 --> 00:02:48,376
- Okay, here's the thing.
63
00:02:48,378 --> 00:02:50,512
I had to take a nap
because oleg and sophie
64
00:02:50,514 --> 00:02:52,314
Were having sex
all night long.
65
00:02:52,316 --> 00:02:53,315
- Not true.
66
00:02:53,317 --> 00:02:57,252
We took a break
to watch a porno.
67
00:02:57,254 --> 00:02:59,321
- Punctuality
is the number one rule
68
00:02:59,323 --> 00:03:01,990
In my employee handbook,
which I've adorably named
69
00:03:01,992 --> 00:03:03,024
The han-book.
70
00:03:03,026 --> 00:03:04,192
- Relax, han.
71
00:03:04,194 --> 00:03:05,493
Nobody's gonna die
if I'm not here
72
00:03:05,495 --> 00:03:07,162
To drop off
a tuna melt.
73
00:03:07,164 --> 00:03:10,198
In fact, they're more likely
to die if I do drop it off.
74
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,167
- Late, and with an attitude.
75
00:03:12,169 --> 00:03:14,002
You think you're too good
for the diner?
76
00:03:14,004 --> 00:03:16,204
- Of course
she thinks that.
77
00:03:16,206 --> 00:03:19,874
- I think sourdough bread
is too good for this diner.
78
00:03:19,876 --> 00:03:22,277
- Well, what other career option
do you have, caroline?
79
00:03:22,279 --> 00:03:24,212
Hmm, let's see.
Cupcakes?
80
00:03:24,214 --> 00:03:26,014
No, wait, your shop
didn't last six months.
81
00:03:26,016 --> 00:03:28,116
- Don't go there, han.
- Oh, I'm already there.
82
00:03:28,118 --> 00:03:31,086
And now I'm back.
83
00:03:31,088 --> 00:03:34,356
- Why so moody, han?
Are you man-struating?
84
00:03:34,358 --> 00:03:38,226
- Is it that time
of the man-th?
85
00:03:38,228 --> 00:03:40,562
- That shop
was our dream, han,
86
00:03:40,564 --> 00:03:43,265
And this is just
a dumb diner.
87
00:03:43,267 --> 00:03:45,934
- You're fired.
- Ooh! I'm fired?
88
00:03:45,936 --> 00:03:48,136
Max, han just fired me.
89
00:03:48,138 --> 00:03:50,205
- You lucky
son of a whore.
90
00:03:50,207 --> 00:03:53,475
- I'm serious, caroline.
You called my diner "dumb."
91
00:03:53,477 --> 00:03:55,810
Well, at least my diner's
still open and successful,
92
00:03:55,812 --> 00:03:58,079
Whereas your cupcake shop
was so dumb, it failed.
93
00:03:58,081 --> 00:04:00,548
- Ooh, he did not
go there.
94
00:04:00,550 --> 00:04:02,250
- I went there,
and then I came back,
95
00:04:02,252 --> 00:04:05,654
And then
I went there again.
96
00:04:05,656 --> 00:04:07,656
- You know what?
I don't need this.
97
00:04:07,658 --> 00:04:09,324
- Well, actually,
you do kinda need this
98
00:04:09,326 --> 00:04:10,925
'cause we broke.
99
00:04:10,927 --> 00:04:13,762
- Broke or not, I don't have
to stand here and take this.
100
00:04:13,764 --> 00:04:16,298
I quit.
- Oh, really? You quit?
101
00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:17,632
You must be dumber
than my diner
102
00:04:17,634 --> 00:04:20,735
Because I already
fired you.
103
00:04:20,737 --> 00:04:23,471
- Han, I know you've had it
up to here,
104
00:04:23,473 --> 00:04:27,842
But you need to relax.
105
00:04:34,250 --> 00:04:36,785
- Can you believe
han fired me?
106
00:04:36,787 --> 00:04:38,353
I mean, where does
he get off?
107
00:04:38,355 --> 00:04:43,325
- Probably in buffy
the vampire slayer chat rooms.
108
00:04:43,327 --> 00:04:46,261
Have you been standing here
by the door this whole time?
109
00:04:46,263 --> 00:04:48,163
- I didn't even pee.
I was afraid I'd miss you.
110
00:04:48,165 --> 00:04:51,433
So, hold on.
111
00:04:51,435 --> 00:04:54,436
- So, basically,
you had the same day as a puppy?
112
00:04:54,438 --> 00:04:56,271
- Han's lucky
I work there.
113
00:04:56,273 --> 00:04:59,708
I bring class and sophistication
to that place.
114
00:04:59,710 --> 00:05:00,709
There's no toilet paper,
115
00:05:00,711 --> 00:05:03,778
And I just used
the last coffee filter.
116
00:05:03,780 --> 00:05:05,447
- You are sophisticatin'
the hell
117
00:05:05,449 --> 00:05:09,284
Out of that toilet
right now.
118
00:05:09,286 --> 00:05:10,385
- And you know what?
119
00:05:10,387 --> 00:05:12,187
You can tell han
that the only way
120
00:05:12,189 --> 00:05:15,357
I am ever going back there
is if he apologizes.
121
00:05:15,359 --> 00:05:18,026
- Okay, but first,
he wanted me to tell you this.
122
00:05:18,028 --> 00:05:19,327
The only way
you're ever going back there
123
00:05:19,329 --> 00:05:21,229
Is if you apologize.
124
00:05:21,231 --> 00:05:23,998
- Well, an apology from me
is not happening.
125
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,301
- [moans and pants]
126
00:05:26,303 --> 00:05:28,670
Oh, yeah, baby.
Ooh, take it all.
127
00:05:28,672 --> 00:05:30,505
- Oh, oh, no,
you take it, baby.
128
00:05:30,507 --> 00:05:31,639
- Oh, baby--
129
00:05:31,641 --> 00:05:35,210
- And that is not happening
again tonight either.
130
00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:43,518
Again?
That could've hit us.
131
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,721
- Now, that's unsafe sex.
132
00:05:48,524 --> 00:05:49,758
I think it's pretty neighborly
of us
133
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:52,594
To return someone's
sex bowling ball.
134
00:05:52,596 --> 00:05:55,096
- You know we have to bury
those mitts now.
135
00:05:55,098 --> 00:05:56,431
And we have to tell them
to stop
136
00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:58,333
Whatever it is
they're doing up here.
137
00:05:58,335 --> 00:06:01,269
- Probably a 7-10 split.
138
00:06:03,038 --> 00:06:04,839
And now
they're not making noise.
139
00:06:04,841 --> 00:06:06,274
It's like when you go
to the zoo,
140
00:06:06,276 --> 00:06:09,177
And the lion
goes inside.
141
00:06:09,179 --> 00:06:10,545
It's max
and caroline.
142
00:06:10,547 --> 00:06:14,516
Your ball came
into our yard again.
143
00:06:15,518 --> 00:06:18,186
- Hi.
Yeah, it's not a good time.
144
00:06:18,188 --> 00:06:19,554
Uh, we're role-playing,
145
00:06:19,556 --> 00:06:23,024
And, obviously,
I'm beyonce.
146
00:06:23,026 --> 00:06:25,727
♪ uh, oh, uh, oh,
uh, oh, oh, oh ♪
147
00:06:25,729 --> 00:06:28,596
Yeah.
Hey, jay z?
148
00:06:28,598 --> 00:06:31,466
Look at all
the single ladies.
149
00:06:31,468 --> 00:06:32,534
- Oh, yeah, baby.
150
00:06:32,536 --> 00:06:34,569
Jay z and I
have a lot in common.
151
00:06:34,571 --> 00:06:35,904
He bought
the brooklyn nets.
152
00:06:35,906 --> 00:06:39,374
I bought my hairnets
in brooklyn.
153
00:06:39,376 --> 00:06:42,043
- I'm not surprised
that you're jay z and beyonce,
154
00:06:42,045 --> 00:06:45,380
But I am kinda surprised
that they bowl.
155
00:06:45,382 --> 00:06:46,581
Where should
I put this?
156
00:06:46,583 --> 00:06:49,117
- Oh, well, I'll tell you
what I told him.
157
00:06:49,119 --> 00:06:52,987
Put it anywhere
you want.
158
00:06:55,825 --> 00:06:58,560
[thud!]
159
00:06:58,562 --> 00:07:02,163
- So that's basically our ball
at this point.
160
00:07:02,165 --> 00:07:04,466
- Look, you two may be
crazy in love,
161
00:07:04,468 --> 00:07:06,501
But your love
is driving us crazy.
162
00:07:06,503 --> 00:07:08,269
- [laughs]
163
00:07:08,271 --> 00:07:09,637
Crazy in love?
164
00:07:09,639 --> 00:07:12,507
Oh, come on.
We're not in love.
165
00:07:12,509 --> 00:07:15,276
Oleg and I
are just shtup buddies.
166
00:07:15,278 --> 00:07:16,678
- Shtup buddies?
167
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,580
I wouldn't say
that's all we are.
168
00:07:18,582 --> 00:07:19,647
- Oh, no,
you're right.
169
00:07:19,649 --> 00:07:24,586
We also share
a cvs points reward card.
170
00:07:24,588 --> 00:07:28,923
- Is it really a reward
if it comes from cvs?
171
00:07:28,925 --> 00:07:31,593
- Can't you two ever do it
over at oleg's apartment?
172
00:07:31,595 --> 00:07:34,362
Or are all
the lanes reserved?
173
00:07:34,364 --> 00:07:36,297
- I have no idea
where he lives.
174
00:07:36,299 --> 00:07:38,600
- Wait, you've never been
to oleg's apartment?
175
00:07:38,602 --> 00:07:41,636
- No, with my busy
work schedule,
176
00:07:41,638 --> 00:07:44,973
The battery of shots
that I would need.
177
00:07:44,975 --> 00:07:47,275
- Hey.
Hey, hey.
178
00:07:47,277 --> 00:07:49,377
You'd be surprised
by my apartment, sophie.
179
00:07:49,379 --> 00:07:53,448
It's more than just the place
the quadruple orgasm was born.
180
00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:57,685
- Yeah, well,
that sounds nice.
181
00:07:57,687 --> 00:08:00,321
Oh, yes.
Beyonc--
182
00:08:00,323 --> 00:08:01,856
Uh-oh.
183
00:08:01,858 --> 00:08:03,491
Yeah.
184
00:08:03,493 --> 00:08:05,693
Um, beyonce's hair
just fell out.
185
00:08:05,695 --> 00:08:09,297
I gotta go get
my hot glue gun.
186
00:08:09,299 --> 00:08:12,467
♪ uh, oh, uh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
187
00:08:12,469 --> 00:08:14,836
♪ uh, oh, uh, oh,
uh, oh, oh, oh ♪
188
00:08:14,838 --> 00:08:18,473
- Girls, I may have oversold
my apartment.
189
00:08:18,475 --> 00:08:20,675
- What, by saying she won't need
to get shots?
190
00:08:20,677 --> 00:08:23,678
- Yes.
191
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,080
Maybe you two could help me
fix it up a little,
192
00:08:26,082 --> 00:08:27,348
Give it
a feminine touch.
193
00:08:27,350 --> 00:08:29,584
- Well, I'm out.
194
00:08:29,586 --> 00:08:30,885
- You know what?
I'll do it.
195
00:08:30,887 --> 00:08:32,420
But I'm very recently
out of work,
196
00:08:32,422 --> 00:08:33,721
So I'm gonna have
to charge you.
197
00:08:33,723 --> 00:08:35,156
- If you didn't,
you'd be the only girl
198
00:08:35,158 --> 00:08:38,259
Who ever went to his apartment
without getting paid.
199
00:08:38,261 --> 00:08:40,595
- You got a deal.
200
00:08:43,365 --> 00:08:44,499
- Oleg's apartment's
this way.
201
00:08:44,501 --> 00:08:47,035
I can smell
the axe body spray.
202
00:08:47,037 --> 00:08:48,036
I'll just throw a couple
of these pillows around,
203
00:08:48,038 --> 00:08:49,604
And then we'll be gone.
204
00:08:49,606 --> 00:08:52,173
- I can't believe I'm walking up
to oleg's apartment.
205
00:08:52,175 --> 00:08:53,908
I always thought
I'd be dragged here unconscious
206
00:08:53,910 --> 00:08:57,679
With electrical tape
over my mouth.
207
00:08:57,681 --> 00:08:59,080
- Afternoon, ladies.
208
00:08:59,082 --> 00:09:01,349
This is
where the magic happens.
209
00:09:01,351 --> 00:09:05,420
- Well, I'm sure you've made
some women disappear here.
210
00:09:07,289 --> 00:09:09,524
- Okay.
211
00:09:09,526 --> 00:09:10,792
Just off the top
of my head,
212
00:09:10,794 --> 00:09:14,729
I think we're gonna need
a couple more pillows.
213
00:09:14,731 --> 00:09:16,230
- If you keep your apartment
like this,
214
00:09:16,232 --> 00:09:19,233
Do you get to pay
1980s rent prices?
215
00:09:19,235 --> 00:09:20,969
- You haven't even seen
the best part yet.
216
00:09:20,971 --> 00:09:22,203
Look.
217
00:09:22,205 --> 00:09:25,740
[down-tempo funk]
218
00:09:25,742 --> 00:09:28,576
Goin' up the stairway
to heaven, baby.
219
00:09:28,578 --> 00:09:30,945
[sighs]
oh, yeah.
220
00:09:30,947 --> 00:09:33,781
There it is.
That's my bed.
221
00:09:33,783 --> 00:09:37,218
- Where are we?
Studio 69?
222
00:09:37,220 --> 00:09:39,721
- That's 1,500 tracer bulbs.
223
00:09:39,723 --> 00:09:40,722
I tore most
of them out
224
00:09:40,724 --> 00:09:44,726
Of the new cineplex 14
in queens.
225
00:09:44,728 --> 00:09:46,561
- First of all,
I am smelling something
226
00:09:46,563 --> 00:09:49,931
That can only be described
as anti-antiperspirant.
227
00:09:49,933 --> 00:09:51,799
And, secondly...
228
00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:52,800
[music cuts off]
229
00:09:52,802 --> 00:09:54,736
No woman wants to walk
into this.
230
00:09:54,738 --> 00:09:58,339
- According to this,
685 already have.
231
00:09:58,341 --> 00:10:00,575
- Actually, it's 1,685.
232
00:10:00,577 --> 00:10:03,778
After a thousand,
the counter resets.
233
00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:05,313
- Look, if you don't
want sophie to feel
234
00:10:05,315 --> 00:10:07,015
Like she's next in line
at the dmv...
235
00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:09,784
- More like the s-t-d-mv.
236
00:10:09,786 --> 00:10:12,453
- Then we have a lot
of work to do.
237
00:10:12,455 --> 00:10:14,822
- Okay.
Make it look romantic.
238
00:10:14,824 --> 00:10:17,191
When she comes in,
I want her to feel special,
239
00:10:17,193 --> 00:10:21,496
Like she's the only woman
that's ever been here today.
240
00:10:21,498 --> 00:10:24,499
- Let's just sit down
and talk about this.
241
00:10:24,501 --> 00:10:27,769
Oh, my god.
Max, is she dead?
242
00:10:27,771 --> 00:10:29,470
- No.
She's alexis.
243
00:10:29,472 --> 00:10:32,473
- You have one of those
anatomically-correct real dolls!
244
00:10:32,475 --> 00:10:34,809
It's rare to see one
without a short, fat man
245
00:10:34,811 --> 00:10:36,878
Standing next to it
with a button penis.
246
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,946
- They sell for $6,000,
247
00:10:38,948 --> 00:10:40,648
But I got her
for half off.
248
00:10:40,650 --> 00:10:43,451
She was
previously loved.
249
00:10:43,453 --> 00:10:44,686
- Max, you are not
doing that.
250
00:10:44,688 --> 00:10:46,220
- The hell I'm not.
251
00:10:46,222 --> 00:10:47,789
This is my one chance
to see a woman naked
252
00:10:47,791 --> 00:10:51,793
Without having
to spoon her after.
253
00:10:51,795 --> 00:10:54,395
Respect.
254
00:10:54,397 --> 00:10:57,865
- Well, you've made a lot
of strong choices here,
255
00:10:57,867 --> 00:11:00,201
But I'm not sure
they're all working together.
256
00:11:00,203 --> 00:11:03,671
For example, that sex swing
is fighting the goat.
257
00:11:03,673 --> 00:11:05,239
Now, why don't we start
by you going
258
00:11:05,241 --> 00:11:06,474
And getting us
some rubber gloves?
259
00:11:06,476 --> 00:11:08,710
Lots of them,
and the strongest bleach
260
00:11:08,712 --> 00:11:10,044
And soap products
you can find.
261
00:11:10,046 --> 00:11:11,746
Oh, and a hazmat suit.
262
00:11:11,748 --> 00:11:13,648
Don't worry about the size.
I can belt it.
263
00:11:13,650 --> 00:11:15,983
- But you're gonna keep
my good stuff, right?
264
00:11:15,985 --> 00:11:18,886
- If I see any,
I'll consider it. Go.
265
00:11:18,888 --> 00:11:20,655
- What are you going to do
with alexis?
266
00:11:20,657 --> 00:11:23,591
- Rehab, and then
a women's shelter in montana.
267
00:11:23,593 --> 00:11:25,727
Go!
268
00:11:25,729 --> 00:11:27,729
I've got a lot of work
to do.
269
00:11:27,731 --> 00:11:29,097
- But first...
270
00:11:29,099 --> 00:11:32,567
[down-tempo funk]
271
00:11:32,569 --> 00:11:35,870
And I do it.
And I do it.
272
00:11:35,872 --> 00:11:38,506
- Can you please
turn that off, max?
273
00:11:38,508 --> 00:11:40,775
I'm starting to feel
a little dizzy...
274
00:11:40,777 --> 00:11:41,776
[music cuts off]
275
00:11:41,778 --> 00:11:43,010
And I can't fall
on the floor,
276
00:11:43,012 --> 00:11:45,079
'cause I might stick
to it.
277
00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:46,748
- You don't have
to do this!
278
00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:48,249
Just call han
and apologize,
279
00:11:48,251 --> 00:11:51,052
And we can get outta here
before the syphilis sets in.
280
00:11:51,054 --> 00:11:53,788
- No, he said some really
hurtful things to me,
281
00:11:53,790 --> 00:11:56,357
And I'd rather stay here
and work for oleg and alexis.
282
00:11:56,359 --> 00:11:58,025
At least
I'll have my dignity.
283
00:11:58,027 --> 00:11:59,894
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go climb
284
00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:03,197
The sperm-ship enterprise.
285
00:12:03,199 --> 00:12:04,432
Let me just get
these curtains open
286
00:12:04,434 --> 00:12:05,767
So I can see better.
287
00:12:05,769 --> 00:12:09,971
- Seeing better?
Is that the way to go?
288
00:12:09,973 --> 00:12:10,972
- Oh.
289
00:12:10,974 --> 00:12:14,308
I'm walking
on a water bed.
290
00:12:14,310 --> 00:12:15,810
This is harder
than it looks.
291
00:12:15,812 --> 00:12:19,013
- How many times
has that been said on this bed?
292
00:12:20,916 --> 00:12:22,483
- Oh, my heel!
293
00:12:22,485 --> 00:12:26,454
[screams]
294
00:12:26,456 --> 00:12:27,755
[coughs]
295
00:12:27,757 --> 00:12:30,558
I swallowed!
I accidentally swallowed.
296
00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:35,129
- You know
that's been said.
297
00:12:39,568 --> 00:12:41,068
- Max, we got a problem.
298
00:12:41,070 --> 00:12:42,603
See that girl?
299
00:12:42,605 --> 00:12:43,771
- Oh, what?
The usual drill?
300
00:12:43,773 --> 00:12:46,941
You hold her arms, and I
punch her till she tips 20%?
301
00:12:46,943 --> 00:12:50,745
- As much as I enjoy that
when we do it, no.
302
00:12:50,747 --> 00:12:53,748
She's here to apply
for caroline's job.
303
00:12:53,750 --> 00:12:54,916
- What?
304
00:12:54,918 --> 00:12:56,784
Han's really going through
with this?
305
00:12:56,786 --> 00:12:57,985
I thought
it was all talk,
306
00:12:57,987 --> 00:13:01,088
Like when a chihuahua
barks at a big dog.
307
00:13:01,090 --> 00:13:02,757
- Me too.
I thought it would blow over.
308
00:13:02,759 --> 00:13:05,359
You know, like han did
in the wind that time?
309
00:13:05,361 --> 00:13:06,761
But, no,
he is serious.
310
00:13:06,763 --> 00:13:09,864
- No way.
I got this.
311
00:13:09,866 --> 00:13:11,499
Hi, is that your resume?
312
00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:13,801
Let's take
a little look-see.
313
00:13:13,803 --> 00:13:15,336
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
314
00:13:15,338 --> 00:13:16,938
Oh, you worked there?
Cool.
315
00:13:16,940 --> 00:13:18,339
- Yep.
I'm a very hard worker.
316
00:13:18,341 --> 00:13:19,807
- Good.
Can you block a punch?
317
00:13:19,809 --> 00:13:21,876
'cause the owner hits us.
318
00:13:21,878 --> 00:13:23,010
He broke my femur.
319
00:13:23,012 --> 00:13:25,146
When I complained,
he broke the other one.
320
00:13:25,148 --> 00:13:28,482
Run before he sees me
talking to you.
321
00:13:28,484 --> 00:13:30,852
Earl, I gotta get han
and caroline to make up.
322
00:13:30,854 --> 00:13:32,353
I don't have access
to the pills I need
323
00:13:32,355 --> 00:13:34,055
To keep working here
without her.
324
00:13:34,057 --> 00:13:35,857
Any advice or pills?
325
00:13:35,859 --> 00:13:37,124
- Well, let's see.
326
00:13:37,126 --> 00:13:39,393
We are kind of like
a family here,
327
00:13:39,395 --> 00:13:43,965
Except I can see you
unsupervised on the weekends.
328
00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:45,666
- And you didn't use
my college fund
329
00:13:45,668 --> 00:13:48,636
To buy a married man
a corvette.
330
00:13:48,638 --> 00:13:50,972
- And in my family,
when my kids would fight,
331
00:13:50,974 --> 00:13:53,174
I tried to get them
to talk to each other,
332
00:13:53,176 --> 00:13:54,809
Because honesty
is key.
333
00:13:54,811 --> 00:13:57,912
But if that didn't work,
I'd lie to their faces--
334
00:13:57,914 --> 00:13:59,046
Lock them in their room
and tell them
335
00:13:59,048 --> 00:14:02,350
That the other one
had three weeks to live.
336
00:14:02,352 --> 00:14:05,853
You know, what used to be known
as good parenting.
337
00:14:05,855 --> 00:14:08,856
- Max, I've got 12
overqualified candidates
338
00:14:08,858 --> 00:14:10,892
Coming in for
the waitress position today.
339
00:14:10,894 --> 00:14:13,895
Thank you,
crumbling economy!
340
00:14:13,897 --> 00:14:15,863
- You know, han,
here at this diner,
341
00:14:15,865 --> 00:14:17,832
We're kind of like
a little family, and--
342
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:18,866
Oh, I can't do this.
343
00:14:18,868 --> 00:14:21,168
Caroline has three weeks
left to live.
344
00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:22,937
I'm serious.
She drank oleg's water bed.
345
00:14:22,939 --> 00:14:24,605
It's just a matter
of time.
346
00:14:24,607 --> 00:14:25,940
- Nice try, max.
347
00:14:25,942 --> 00:14:27,608
I'm not going
to give her back her job.
348
00:14:27,610 --> 00:14:30,444
She should've checked herself
before she wrecked herself.
349
00:14:30,446 --> 00:14:32,580
- Come on.
Hire her back.
350
00:14:32,582 --> 00:14:33,881
Be the bigger man.
351
00:14:33,883 --> 00:14:35,917
And note,
I did not make a short joke,
352
00:14:35,919 --> 00:14:37,218
Because this
is important,
353
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:38,886
And also because I'm still
working on something
354
00:14:38,888 --> 00:14:40,855
With peter dinklage's name.
355
00:14:40,857 --> 00:14:43,891
- No way, max.
I am holding firm.
356
00:14:43,893 --> 00:14:46,961
- You know, firm han
is kinda hot.
357
00:14:46,963 --> 00:14:47,962
- He is?
- Yeah.
358
00:14:47,964 --> 00:14:49,363
I'm kinda feeling
firm han.
359
00:14:49,365 --> 00:14:51,432
I have no interest
in feeling the firm part,
360
00:14:51,434 --> 00:14:53,935
But I'll hang out
with the rest.
361
00:14:53,937 --> 00:14:55,236
- You want to hang out
with me?
362
00:14:55,238 --> 00:14:56,904
I'm generally free
mondays through fridays,
363
00:14:56,906 --> 00:14:57,905
Mornings and evenings,
364
00:14:57,907 --> 00:15:01,042
And my weekends
are wide open.
365
00:15:01,044 --> 00:15:02,576
I may have a wedding
to go to in June, but--
366
00:15:02,578 --> 00:15:03,978
- Breathe.
367
00:15:03,980 --> 00:15:04,979
Come over tomorrow.
368
00:15:04,981 --> 00:15:06,447
Caroline
will be at oleg's.
369
00:15:06,449 --> 00:15:08,049
We can get stoned
and watch a movie.
370
00:15:08,051 --> 00:15:09,550
- The last time
I was stoned
371
00:15:09,552 --> 00:15:13,287
Was from a contact high
I got at a concert.
372
00:15:13,289 --> 00:15:16,357
- Well, those wiggle shows
do get crazy.
373
00:15:22,597 --> 00:15:23,631
- Look at us, max,
374
00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:25,232
Hanging outside of work
at your place
375
00:15:25,234 --> 00:15:27,134
Like a couple of homeys.
376
00:15:27,136 --> 00:15:29,637
- Yeah,
and where is my homey?
377
00:15:29,639 --> 00:15:33,407
Oh, it's this way.
I can smell the axe body spray.
378
00:15:33,409 --> 00:15:35,009
- Now, what movie
should we watch?
379
00:15:35,011 --> 00:15:37,411
I brought shrek,
shrek 2, shrek 3,
380
00:15:37,413 --> 00:15:42,149
Shrek 3-d, and that
cameron diaz cancer movie.
381
00:15:42,151 --> 00:15:45,086
- Is there one
where shrek has cancer?
382
00:15:46,688 --> 00:15:49,090
Wow.
This is completely--
383
00:15:49,092 --> 00:15:53,194
The same place
I always live at.
384
00:15:53,196 --> 00:15:54,929
- Max, it's so pretty.
385
00:15:54,931 --> 00:15:56,263
I thought your place
would have furniture
386
00:15:56,265 --> 00:15:59,300
Made out of razor blades
or something.
387
00:15:59,302 --> 00:16:02,837
- I wish.
That sounds bitchin'.
388
00:16:02,839 --> 00:16:04,105
- What are you guys
doing here?
389
00:16:04,107 --> 00:16:06,007
- What is caroline
doing here?
390
00:16:06,009 --> 00:16:07,608
You said she was going to be
at oleg's.
391
00:16:07,610 --> 00:16:08,943
- I am at oleg's.
392
00:16:08,945 --> 00:16:11,812
- You guys live with oleg?
393
00:16:11,814 --> 00:16:14,048
- You told him
this was our apartment?
394
00:16:14,050 --> 00:16:16,550
- As a wise person
once told me, sometimes,
395
00:16:16,552 --> 00:16:18,486
You gotta lie
to keep your family together.
396
00:16:18,488 --> 00:16:20,121
I'm not letting
anyone leave
397
00:16:20,123 --> 00:16:21,322
Until you talk
to each other.
398
00:16:21,324 --> 00:16:25,192
- I don't understand.
Are we not smoking weed?
399
00:16:26,995 --> 00:16:30,064
- Oh, I already did.
400
00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:31,499
- I don't know
what his problem is.
401
00:16:31,501 --> 00:16:33,834
He fired me for missing
20 minutes of work.
402
00:16:33,836 --> 00:16:37,371
Why doesn't he fire himself
for missing puberty?
403
00:16:37,373 --> 00:16:38,572
- Let it go, han.
404
00:16:38,574 --> 00:16:42,076
She spent her morning
dusting a strap-on.
405
00:16:42,078 --> 00:16:43,711
- I didn't fire you
because you were late.
406
00:16:43,713 --> 00:16:46,013
I fired you because you
crapped all over the diner,
407
00:16:46,015 --> 00:16:48,149
And you forgot that diner
lifted you up
408
00:16:48,151 --> 00:16:49,150
When you had nothing.
409
00:16:49,152 --> 00:16:50,317
- Well, I lifted you up
410
00:16:50,319 --> 00:16:53,187
When you couldn't reach
the canned corn.
411
00:16:53,189 --> 00:16:56,557
So, we're even.
Fight over.
412
00:16:56,559 --> 00:17:00,227
- What the hell did you do
to my apartment?
413
00:17:00,229 --> 00:17:04,832
It looks like you could film
a douche commercial in here.
414
00:17:06,101 --> 00:17:09,003
- Oleg, this is what
you asked for: Romantic.
415
00:17:09,005 --> 00:17:10,204
- Romantic?
416
00:17:10,206 --> 00:17:12,440
My place went from
fifty shades of grey
417
00:17:12,442 --> 00:17:16,110
To fifty shades
of beige.
418
00:17:16,112 --> 00:17:19,080
Where's my sex swing?
Where's my sex chair?
419
00:17:19,082 --> 00:17:20,514
Where's my poster
that says,
420
00:17:20,516 --> 00:17:23,417
"poke her in the front,
lick her in the back"?
421
00:17:23,419 --> 00:17:24,885
- Oleg, relax.
422
00:17:24,887 --> 00:17:27,021
All your stuff's either
in the basement or the closet.
423
00:17:27,023 --> 00:17:29,090
And I think would know more
about what a woman
424
00:17:29,092 --> 00:17:30,691
Would like to come home to
than a man
425
00:17:30,693 --> 00:17:33,360
Whose last girlfriend
was made in the philippines.
426
00:17:33,362 --> 00:17:34,929
[knocks at door]
427
00:17:34,931 --> 00:17:36,130
- It's me!
428
00:17:36,132 --> 00:17:38,432
Hide your kids!
Hide your wife!
429
00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:40,201
- Sophie!
She can't know you're here.
430
00:17:40,203 --> 00:17:42,203
- Go, go,
all of you.
431
00:17:42,205 --> 00:17:44,038
Han!
Get in the closet!
432
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,474
- Putting a guy who's
in the closet in the closet?
433
00:17:46,476 --> 00:17:48,109
That's like gay
nesting dolls.
434
00:17:48,111 --> 00:17:52,179
- I'm not gay.
I'm a metrosexual.
435
00:17:54,483 --> 00:17:57,318
- This is where
the magic happens?
436
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,253
- Oh.
437
00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:02,256
Oh, no.
438
00:18:02,258 --> 00:18:05,926
Do you live
with your mother?
439
00:18:05,928 --> 00:18:07,561
- What?
You don't like?
440
00:18:07,563 --> 00:18:10,097
I thought you would enjoy
the girl's touch.
441
00:18:10,099 --> 00:18:12,166
- [chuckles]
what girls?
442
00:18:12,168 --> 00:18:16,403
The golden girls?
[giggles]
443
00:18:16,405 --> 00:18:17,972
- Sophie hates it.
444
00:18:17,974 --> 00:18:20,508
I should've just thrown
a boiled ham on the bed.
445
00:18:20,510 --> 00:18:21,642
- Oh, no.
446
00:18:21,644 --> 00:18:23,611
My hair's stuck
in oleg's clothes.
447
00:18:23,613 --> 00:18:25,813
Please don't let it be
a pant zipper.
448
00:18:25,815 --> 00:18:28,082
Oh.
449
00:18:28,084 --> 00:18:32,386
- [screams]
450
00:18:34,356 --> 00:18:36,790
- Han, alexis.
Alexis, han.
451
00:18:36,792 --> 00:18:38,826
- Ew, take it away
from me.
452
00:18:38,828 --> 00:18:43,097
It's so heavy--
oh, no, oh, no.
453
00:18:43,099 --> 00:18:44,165
Help.
Get her off of me.
454
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:46,200
- Why?
You're finally getting some.
455
00:18:46,202 --> 00:18:49,703
- Caroline, help.
I can't...
456
00:18:54,442 --> 00:18:59,213
- Look! Han's fallen
and he can't get it up!
457
00:19:01,116 --> 00:19:03,184
- What the hell
is going on here?
458
00:19:03,186 --> 00:19:07,488
I mean, this is freaky
even for me.
459
00:19:07,490 --> 00:19:09,490
- Sophie, I can explain.
460
00:19:09,492 --> 00:19:11,992
I hired caroline
to redo my apartment
461
00:19:11,994 --> 00:19:14,128
So it wouldn't be
the dirty bachelor pad
462
00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:15,729
You were expecting.
463
00:19:15,731 --> 00:19:18,966
- But you are the dirty bachelor
that I'm expecting.
464
00:19:18,968 --> 00:19:20,201
And why would you
hire caroline?
465
00:19:20,203 --> 00:19:22,536
She doesn't know
about sexy stuff.
466
00:19:22,538 --> 00:19:23,904
She couldn't even figure out
what we do
467
00:19:23,906 --> 00:19:26,307
With the bowling ball.
468
00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:29,076
- Sophie, you should've seen
what was in here.
469
00:19:29,078 --> 00:19:31,812
I mean, he had this
anatomically correct real doll
470
00:19:31,814 --> 00:19:33,347
He named alexis.
471
00:19:33,349 --> 00:19:38,185
- Yeah, well,
she's very pretty.
472
00:19:38,187 --> 00:19:40,821
- He had a sex swing.
473
00:19:40,823 --> 00:19:44,158
- Ooh, a sex swing.
474
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,192
What are you
gonna tell me now?
475
00:19:45,194 --> 00:19:47,161
That he had a water bed?
476
00:19:47,163 --> 00:19:48,162
- I did.
477
00:19:48,164 --> 00:19:50,030
It had
1,500 tracer bulbs.
478
00:19:50,032 --> 00:19:52,266
It was hot.
479
00:19:52,268 --> 00:19:54,101
- Well, who has it now?
480
00:19:54,103 --> 00:19:56,870
I wanna be with him.
481
00:19:56,872 --> 00:19:59,240
- Oh, hell, I'm tired
of all this role-playing,
482
00:19:59,242 --> 00:20:00,741
So I'm just going
to say it.
483
00:20:00,743 --> 00:20:04,411
Sophie,
I am in love with you.
484
00:20:06,848 --> 00:20:09,383
- Oh.
485
00:20:09,385 --> 00:20:12,353
Well, I haven't
said this to a man
486
00:20:12,355 --> 00:20:15,856
In a very long time,
487
00:20:15,858 --> 00:20:20,361
But I like you
a little bit.
488
00:20:20,363 --> 00:20:22,429
- I don't know what
she's talking about, caroline.
489
00:20:22,431 --> 00:20:24,298
I think it's pretty.
490
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:26,267
You make
everything prettier,
491
00:20:26,269 --> 00:20:29,036
Even the dumb diner.
492
00:20:29,038 --> 00:20:31,205
- Your diner's not dumb.
493
00:20:31,207 --> 00:20:32,473
I miss the diner.
494
00:20:32,475 --> 00:20:34,141
- And it misses you.
495
00:20:34,143 --> 00:20:36,277
You can have
your job back.
496
00:20:36,279 --> 00:20:38,612
- Is it just 'cause I'm stoned,
or did anyone else
497
00:20:38,614 --> 00:20:42,249
Feel that deep connection
between them?
498
00:20:42,251 --> 00:20:44,551
- Could you all leave?
499
00:20:44,553 --> 00:20:47,554
I wanna be alone
with oleg...
500
00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:51,892
And alexis.
501
00:20:51,894 --> 00:20:54,895
- Now are we going
to smoke weed?
502
00:20:54,897 --> 00:20:56,964
- Yeah, I'm dying
to see you high.
503
00:20:56,966 --> 00:21:01,035
Well, as high
as you can get.