1 00:00:01,411 --> 00:00:03,545 [bed frame banging on wall] 2 00:00:03,547 --> 00:00:05,981 - Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, take it all! 3 00:00:05,983 --> 00:00:08,083 - Oh, oh, no, you take it, baby. 4 00:00:08,085 --> 00:00:10,085 - No, baby, you take it all! 5 00:00:10,087 --> 00:00:14,022 - Oh, no, you take it, baby. - No, baby, you take it! 6 00:00:14,024 --> 00:00:16,091 - Dear god, will one of you just take it 7 00:00:16,093 --> 00:00:17,759 And get it over with? 8 00:00:17,761 --> 00:00:20,028 Max, there is no way you could be sleeping 9 00:00:20,030 --> 00:00:21,496 Through oleg and sophie. 10 00:00:21,498 --> 00:00:24,566 [moaning and heavy breathing] 11 00:00:26,069 --> 00:00:27,235 Does that actually work? 12 00:00:27,237 --> 00:00:31,173 - It does, with a little help from this. 13 00:00:31,175 --> 00:00:33,942 - Gimme. 14 00:00:33,944 --> 00:00:35,043 Whoo! 15 00:00:35,045 --> 00:00:37,045 I was hoping that'd be fruitier. 16 00:00:37,047 --> 00:00:39,081 - [moans] - I mean, they're here. 17 00:00:39,083 --> 00:00:41,216 They're there. Then, they're here again. 18 00:00:41,218 --> 00:00:43,885 It's like we're a village under attack. 19 00:00:43,887 --> 00:00:45,420 - Yup, just a matter of time 20 00:00:45,422 --> 00:00:47,756 Till someone sends in a drone. 21 00:00:47,758 --> 00:00:48,890 [moaning and heavy breathing] 22 00:00:48,892 --> 00:00:50,725 - And it's not just that moaning. 23 00:00:50,727 --> 00:00:53,528 I think I heard a big ball rolling around up there. 24 00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:55,197 - If a ball is rolling around up there, 25 00:00:55,199 --> 00:00:57,199 Oleg should stop and see a doctor. 26 00:00:57,201 --> 00:00:58,700 [moaning and grunting] 27 00:00:58,702 --> 00:01:02,137 - This couldn't be any more intrusive. 28 00:01:02,139 --> 00:01:03,472 Oh! 29 00:01:08,311 --> 00:01:09,544 - Uh-oh. 30 00:01:11,247 --> 00:01:13,448 - Sorry about that. 31 00:01:16,052 --> 00:01:17,486 - A bowling ball? 32 00:01:17,488 --> 00:01:20,155 And why do they need a bowling ball? 33 00:01:20,157 --> 00:01:23,959 - Maybe they ran out of holes. 34 00:01:23,961 --> 00:01:27,662 - Have you guys seen a ball? 35 00:01:27,664 --> 00:01:30,265 - ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 36 00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:34,202 ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 37 00:01:42,078 --> 00:01:43,078 [bell dings] - pick up, max. 38 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,280 And sorry about the hole in your ceiling. 39 00:01:45,282 --> 00:01:47,182 - Oleg, I'm not even gonna ask you 40 00:01:47,184 --> 00:01:48,750 To keep it in your pants anymore, 41 00:01:48,752 --> 00:01:52,220 But could you keep it in your apartment? 42 00:01:55,258 --> 00:01:57,859 Oh, hey, sophie. - Hey, max. 43 00:01:57,861 --> 00:02:00,262 Oh, spring is in the air. 44 00:02:00,264 --> 00:02:02,764 This is the time of year in poland 45 00:02:02,766 --> 00:02:04,299 When the snow would melt 46 00:02:04,301 --> 00:02:08,270 And all our dead relatives would float back to us. 47 00:02:08,272 --> 00:02:09,938 - I've never been to europe, 48 00:02:09,940 --> 00:02:13,441 But it sounds beautiful. 49 00:02:13,443 --> 00:02:15,210 - Max, where is caroline? 50 00:02:15,212 --> 00:02:17,345 And don't tell me she's in the ladies' room, 51 00:02:17,347 --> 00:02:19,281 Because I already peeked under all those stalls. 52 00:02:19,283 --> 00:02:21,449 She wasn't there. 53 00:02:21,451 --> 00:02:23,952 But I saw things. 54 00:02:25,888 --> 00:02:30,325 - Well, congratulations on finally seeing those things. 55 00:02:30,327 --> 00:02:32,227 - She's 20 minutes late, and, as the boss, 56 00:02:32,229 --> 00:02:33,395 I will not have it. 57 00:02:33,397 --> 00:02:36,731 - Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of his crib. 58 00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:41,169 - You're late. This is unacceptable. 59 00:02:41,171 --> 00:02:42,170 - Don't mind him. 60 00:02:42,172 --> 00:02:43,538 He just saw his first vagina, 61 00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:47,209 And he's furious. 62 00:02:47,211 --> 00:02:48,376 - Okay, here's the thing. 63 00:02:48,378 --> 00:02:50,512 I had to take a nap because oleg and sophie 64 00:02:50,514 --> 00:02:52,314 Were having sex all night long. 65 00:02:52,316 --> 00:02:53,315 - Not true. 66 00:02:53,317 --> 00:02:57,252 We took a break to watch a porno. 67 00:02:57,254 --> 00:02:59,321 - Punctuality is the number one rule 68 00:02:59,323 --> 00:03:01,990 In my employee handbook, which I've adorably named 69 00:03:01,992 --> 00:03:03,024 The han-book. 70 00:03:03,026 --> 00:03:04,192 - Relax, han. 71 00:03:04,194 --> 00:03:05,493 Nobody's gonna die if I'm not here 72 00:03:05,495 --> 00:03:07,162 To drop off a tuna melt. 73 00:03:07,164 --> 00:03:10,198 In fact, they're more likely to die if I do drop it off. 74 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,167 - Late, and with an attitude. 75 00:03:12,169 --> 00:03:14,002 You think you're too good for the diner? 76 00:03:14,004 --> 00:03:16,204 - Of course she thinks that. 77 00:03:16,206 --> 00:03:19,874 - I think sourdough bread is too good for this diner. 78 00:03:19,876 --> 00:03:22,277 - Well, what other career option do you have, caroline? 79 00:03:22,279 --> 00:03:24,212 Hmm, let's see. Cupcakes? 80 00:03:24,214 --> 00:03:26,014 No, wait, your shop didn't last six months. 81 00:03:26,016 --> 00:03:28,116 - Don't go there, han. - Oh, I'm already there. 82 00:03:28,118 --> 00:03:31,086 And now I'm back. 83 00:03:31,088 --> 00:03:34,356 - Why so moody, han? Are you man-struating? 84 00:03:34,358 --> 00:03:38,226 - Is it that time of the man-th? 85 00:03:38,228 --> 00:03:40,562 - That shop was our dream, han, 86 00:03:40,564 --> 00:03:43,265 And this is just a dumb diner. 87 00:03:43,267 --> 00:03:45,934 - You're fired. - Ooh! I'm fired? 88 00:03:45,936 --> 00:03:48,136 Max, han just fired me. 89 00:03:48,138 --> 00:03:50,205 - You lucky son of a whore. 90 00:03:50,207 --> 00:03:53,475 - I'm serious, caroline. You called my diner "dumb." 91 00:03:53,477 --> 00:03:55,810 Well, at least my diner's still open and successful, 92 00:03:55,812 --> 00:03:58,079 Whereas your cupcake shop was so dumb, it failed. 93 00:03:58,081 --> 00:04:00,548 - Ooh, he did not go there. 94 00:04:00,550 --> 00:04:02,250 - I went there, and then I came back, 95 00:04:02,252 --> 00:04:05,654 And then I went there again. 96 00:04:05,656 --> 00:04:07,656 - You know what? I don't need this. 97 00:04:07,658 --> 00:04:09,324 - Well, actually, you do kinda need this 98 00:04:09,326 --> 00:04:10,925 'cause we broke. 99 00:04:10,927 --> 00:04:13,762 - Broke or not, I don't have to stand here and take this. 100 00:04:13,764 --> 00:04:16,298 I quit. - Oh, really? You quit? 101 00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:17,632 You must be dumber than my diner 102 00:04:17,634 --> 00:04:20,735 Because I already fired you. 103 00:04:20,737 --> 00:04:23,471 - Han, I know you've had it up to here, 104 00:04:23,473 --> 00:04:27,842 But you need to relax. 105 00:04:34,250 --> 00:04:36,785 - Can you believe han fired me? 106 00:04:36,787 --> 00:04:38,353 I mean, where does he get off? 107 00:04:38,355 --> 00:04:43,325 - Probably in buffy the vampire slayer chat rooms. 108 00:04:43,327 --> 00:04:46,261 Have you been standing here by the door this whole time? 109 00:04:46,263 --> 00:04:48,163 - I didn't even pee. I was afraid I'd miss you. 110 00:04:48,165 --> 00:04:51,433 So, hold on. 111 00:04:51,435 --> 00:04:54,436 - So, basically, you had the same day as a puppy? 112 00:04:54,438 --> 00:04:56,271 - Han's lucky I work there. 113 00:04:56,273 --> 00:04:59,708 I bring class and sophistication to that place. 114 00:04:59,710 --> 00:05:00,709 There's no toilet paper, 115 00:05:00,711 --> 00:05:03,778 And I just used the last coffee filter. 116 00:05:03,780 --> 00:05:05,447 - You are sophisticatin' the hell 117 00:05:05,449 --> 00:05:09,284 Out of that toilet right now. 118 00:05:09,286 --> 00:05:10,385 - And you know what? 119 00:05:10,387 --> 00:05:12,187 You can tell han that the only way 120 00:05:12,189 --> 00:05:15,357 I am ever going back there is if he apologizes. 121 00:05:15,359 --> 00:05:18,026 - Okay, but first, he wanted me to tell you this. 122 00:05:18,028 --> 00:05:19,327 The only way you're ever going back there 123 00:05:19,329 --> 00:05:21,229 Is if you apologize. 124 00:05:21,231 --> 00:05:23,998 - Well, an apology from me is not happening. 125 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,301 - [moans and pants] 126 00:05:26,303 --> 00:05:28,670 Oh, yeah, baby. Ooh, take it all. 127 00:05:28,672 --> 00:05:30,505 - Oh, oh, no, you take it, baby. 128 00:05:30,507 --> 00:05:31,639 - Oh, baby-- 129 00:05:31,641 --> 00:05:35,210 - And that is not happening again tonight either. 130 00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:43,518 Again? That could've hit us. 131 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,721 - Now, that's unsafe sex. 132 00:05:48,524 --> 00:05:49,758 I think it's pretty neighborly of us 133 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:52,594 To return someone's sex bowling ball. 134 00:05:52,596 --> 00:05:55,096 - You know we have to bury those mitts now. 135 00:05:55,098 --> 00:05:56,431 And we have to tell them to stop 136 00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:58,333 Whatever it is they're doing up here. 137 00:05:58,335 --> 00:06:01,269 - Probably a 7-10 split. 138 00:06:03,038 --> 00:06:04,839 And now they're not making noise. 139 00:06:04,841 --> 00:06:06,274 It's like when you go to the zoo, 140 00:06:06,276 --> 00:06:09,177 And the lion goes inside. 141 00:06:09,179 --> 00:06:10,545 It's max and caroline. 142 00:06:10,547 --> 00:06:14,516 Your ball came into our yard again. 143 00:06:15,518 --> 00:06:18,186 - Hi. Yeah, it's not a good time. 144 00:06:18,188 --> 00:06:19,554 Uh, we're role-playing, 145 00:06:19,556 --> 00:06:23,024 And, obviously, I'm beyonce. 146 00:06:23,026 --> 00:06:25,727 ♪ uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 147 00:06:25,729 --> 00:06:28,596 Yeah. Hey, jay z? 148 00:06:28,598 --> 00:06:31,466 Look at all the single ladies. 149 00:06:31,468 --> 00:06:32,534 - Oh, yeah, baby. 150 00:06:32,536 --> 00:06:34,569 Jay z and I have a lot in common. 151 00:06:34,571 --> 00:06:35,904 He bought the brooklyn nets. 152 00:06:35,906 --> 00:06:39,374 I bought my hairnets in brooklyn. 153 00:06:39,376 --> 00:06:42,043 - I'm not surprised that you're jay z and beyonce, 154 00:06:42,045 --> 00:06:45,380 But I am kinda surprised that they bowl. 155 00:06:45,382 --> 00:06:46,581 Where should I put this? 156 00:06:46,583 --> 00:06:49,117 - Oh, well, I'll tell you what I told him. 157 00:06:49,119 --> 00:06:52,987 Put it anywhere you want. 158 00:06:55,825 --> 00:06:58,560 [thud!] 159 00:06:58,562 --> 00:07:02,163 - So that's basically our ball at this point. 160 00:07:02,165 --> 00:07:04,466 - Look, you two may be crazy in love, 161 00:07:04,468 --> 00:07:06,501 But your love is driving us crazy. 162 00:07:06,503 --> 00:07:08,269 - [laughs] 163 00:07:08,271 --> 00:07:09,637 Crazy in love? 164 00:07:09,639 --> 00:07:12,507 Oh, come on. We're not in love. 165 00:07:12,509 --> 00:07:15,276 Oleg and I are just shtup buddies. 166 00:07:15,278 --> 00:07:16,678 - Shtup buddies? 167 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,580 I wouldn't say that's all we are. 168 00:07:18,582 --> 00:07:19,647 - Oh, no, you're right. 169 00:07:19,649 --> 00:07:24,586 We also share a cvs points reward card. 170 00:07:24,588 --> 00:07:28,923 - Is it really a reward if it comes from cvs? 171 00:07:28,925 --> 00:07:31,593 - Can't you two ever do it over at oleg's apartment? 172 00:07:31,595 --> 00:07:34,362 Or are all the lanes reserved? 173 00:07:34,364 --> 00:07:36,297 - I have no idea where he lives. 174 00:07:36,299 --> 00:07:38,600 - Wait, you've never been to oleg's apartment? 175 00:07:38,602 --> 00:07:41,636 - No, with my busy work schedule, 176 00:07:41,638 --> 00:07:44,973 The battery of shots that I would need. 177 00:07:44,975 --> 00:07:47,275 - Hey. Hey, hey. 178 00:07:47,277 --> 00:07:49,377 You'd be surprised by my apartment, sophie. 179 00:07:49,379 --> 00:07:53,448 It's more than just the place the quadruple orgasm was born. 180 00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:57,685 - Yeah, well, that sounds nice. 181 00:07:57,687 --> 00:08:00,321 Oh, yes. Beyonc-- 182 00:08:00,323 --> 00:08:01,856 Uh-oh. 183 00:08:01,858 --> 00:08:03,491 Yeah. 184 00:08:03,493 --> 00:08:05,693 Um, beyonce's hair just fell out. 185 00:08:05,695 --> 00:08:09,297 I gotta go get my hot glue gun. 186 00:08:09,299 --> 00:08:12,467 ♪ uh, oh, uh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 187 00:08:12,469 --> 00:08:14,836 ♪ uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 188 00:08:14,838 --> 00:08:18,473 - Girls, I may have oversold my apartment. 189 00:08:18,475 --> 00:08:20,675 - What, by saying she won't need to get shots? 190 00:08:20,677 --> 00:08:23,678 - Yes. 191 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,080 Maybe you two could help me fix it up a little, 192 00:08:26,082 --> 00:08:27,348 Give it a feminine touch. 193 00:08:27,350 --> 00:08:29,584 - Well, I'm out. 194 00:08:29,586 --> 00:08:30,885 - You know what? I'll do it. 195 00:08:30,887 --> 00:08:32,420 But I'm very recently out of work, 196 00:08:32,422 --> 00:08:33,721 So I'm gonna have to charge you. 197 00:08:33,723 --> 00:08:35,156 - If you didn't, you'd be the only girl 198 00:08:35,158 --> 00:08:38,259 Who ever went to his apartment without getting paid. 199 00:08:38,261 --> 00:08:40,595 - You got a deal. 200 00:08:43,365 --> 00:08:44,499 - Oleg's apartment's this way. 201 00:08:44,501 --> 00:08:47,035 I can smell the axe body spray. 202 00:08:47,037 --> 00:08:48,036 I'll just throw a couple of these pillows around, 203 00:08:48,038 --> 00:08:49,604 And then we'll be gone. 204 00:08:49,606 --> 00:08:52,173 - I can't believe I'm walking up to oleg's apartment. 205 00:08:52,175 --> 00:08:53,908 I always thought I'd be dragged here unconscious 206 00:08:53,910 --> 00:08:57,679 With electrical tape over my mouth. 207 00:08:57,681 --> 00:08:59,080 - Afternoon, ladies. 208 00:08:59,082 --> 00:09:01,349 This is where the magic happens. 209 00:09:01,351 --> 00:09:05,420 - Well, I'm sure you've made some women disappear here. 210 00:09:07,289 --> 00:09:09,524 - Okay. 211 00:09:09,526 --> 00:09:10,792 Just off the top of my head, 212 00:09:10,794 --> 00:09:14,729 I think we're gonna need a couple more pillows. 213 00:09:14,731 --> 00:09:16,230 - If you keep your apartment like this, 214 00:09:16,232 --> 00:09:19,233 Do you get to pay 1980s rent prices? 215 00:09:19,235 --> 00:09:20,969 - You haven't even seen the best part yet. 216 00:09:20,971 --> 00:09:22,203 Look. 217 00:09:22,205 --> 00:09:25,740 [down-tempo funk] 218 00:09:25,742 --> 00:09:28,576 Goin' up the stairway to heaven, baby. 219 00:09:28,578 --> 00:09:30,945 [sighs] oh, yeah. 220 00:09:30,947 --> 00:09:33,781 There it is. That's my bed. 221 00:09:33,783 --> 00:09:37,218 - Where are we? Studio 69? 222 00:09:37,220 --> 00:09:39,721 - That's 1,500 tracer bulbs. 223 00:09:39,723 --> 00:09:40,722 I tore most of them out 224 00:09:40,724 --> 00:09:44,726 Of the new cineplex 14 in queens. 225 00:09:44,728 --> 00:09:46,561 - First of all, I am smelling something 226 00:09:46,563 --> 00:09:49,931 That can only be described as anti-antiperspirant. 227 00:09:49,933 --> 00:09:51,799 And, secondly... 228 00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:52,800 [music cuts off] 229 00:09:52,802 --> 00:09:54,736 No woman wants to walk into this. 230 00:09:54,738 --> 00:09:58,339 - According to this, 685 already have. 231 00:09:58,341 --> 00:10:00,575 - Actually, it's 1,685. 232 00:10:00,577 --> 00:10:03,778 After a thousand, the counter resets. 233 00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:05,313 - Look, if you don't want sophie to feel 234 00:10:05,315 --> 00:10:07,015 Like she's next in line at the dmv... 235 00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:09,784 - More like the s-t-d-mv. 236 00:10:09,786 --> 00:10:12,453 - Then we have a lot of work to do. 237 00:10:12,455 --> 00:10:14,822 - Okay. Make it look romantic. 238 00:10:14,824 --> 00:10:17,191 When she comes in, I want her to feel special, 239 00:10:17,193 --> 00:10:21,496 Like she's the only woman that's ever been here today. 240 00:10:21,498 --> 00:10:24,499 - Let's just sit down and talk about this. 241 00:10:24,501 --> 00:10:27,769 Oh, my god. Max, is she dead? 242 00:10:27,771 --> 00:10:29,470 - No. She's alexis. 243 00:10:29,472 --> 00:10:32,473 - You have one of those anatomically-correct real dolls! 244 00:10:32,475 --> 00:10:34,809 It's rare to see one without a short, fat man 245 00:10:34,811 --> 00:10:36,878 Standing next to it with a button penis. 246 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,946 - They sell for $6,000, 247 00:10:38,948 --> 00:10:40,648 But I got her for half off. 248 00:10:40,650 --> 00:10:43,451 She was previously loved. 249 00:10:43,453 --> 00:10:44,686 - Max, you are not doing that. 250 00:10:44,688 --> 00:10:46,220 - The hell I'm not. 251 00:10:46,222 --> 00:10:47,789 This is my one chance to see a woman naked 252 00:10:47,791 --> 00:10:51,793 Without having to spoon her after. 253 00:10:51,795 --> 00:10:54,395 Respect. 254 00:10:54,397 --> 00:10:57,865 - Well, you've made a lot of strong choices here, 255 00:10:57,867 --> 00:11:00,201 But I'm not sure they're all working together. 256 00:11:00,203 --> 00:11:03,671 For example, that sex swing is fighting the goat. 257 00:11:03,673 --> 00:11:05,239 Now, why don't we start by you going 258 00:11:05,241 --> 00:11:06,474 And getting us some rubber gloves? 259 00:11:06,476 --> 00:11:08,710 Lots of them, and the strongest bleach 260 00:11:08,712 --> 00:11:10,044 And soap products you can find. 261 00:11:10,046 --> 00:11:11,746 Oh, and a hazmat suit. 262 00:11:11,748 --> 00:11:13,648 Don't worry about the size. I can belt it. 263 00:11:13,650 --> 00:11:15,983 - But you're gonna keep my good stuff, right? 264 00:11:15,985 --> 00:11:18,886 - If I see any, I'll consider it. Go. 265 00:11:18,888 --> 00:11:20,655 - What are you going to do with alexis? 266 00:11:20,657 --> 00:11:23,591 - Rehab, and then a women's shelter in montana. 267 00:11:23,593 --> 00:11:25,727 Go! 268 00:11:25,729 --> 00:11:27,729 I've got a lot of work to do. 269 00:11:27,731 --> 00:11:29,097 - But first... 270 00:11:29,099 --> 00:11:32,567 [down-tempo funk] 271 00:11:32,569 --> 00:11:35,870 And I do it. And I do it. 272 00:11:35,872 --> 00:11:38,506 - Can you please turn that off, max? 273 00:11:38,508 --> 00:11:40,775 I'm starting to feel a little dizzy... 274 00:11:40,777 --> 00:11:41,776 [music cuts off] 275 00:11:41,778 --> 00:11:43,010 And I can't fall on the floor, 276 00:11:43,012 --> 00:11:45,079 'cause I might stick to it. 277 00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:46,748 - You don't have to do this! 278 00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:48,249 Just call han and apologize, 279 00:11:48,251 --> 00:11:51,052 And we can get outta here before the syphilis sets in. 280 00:11:51,054 --> 00:11:53,788 - No, he said some really hurtful things to me, 281 00:11:53,790 --> 00:11:56,357 And I'd rather stay here and work for oleg and alexis. 282 00:11:56,359 --> 00:11:58,025 At least I'll have my dignity. 283 00:11:58,027 --> 00:11:59,894 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go climb 284 00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:03,197 The sperm-ship enterprise. 285 00:12:03,199 --> 00:12:04,432 Let me just get these curtains open 286 00:12:04,434 --> 00:12:05,767 So I can see better. 287 00:12:05,769 --> 00:12:09,971 - Seeing better? Is that the way to go? 288 00:12:09,973 --> 00:12:10,972 - Oh. 289 00:12:10,974 --> 00:12:14,308 I'm walking on a water bed. 290 00:12:14,310 --> 00:12:15,810 This is harder than it looks. 291 00:12:15,812 --> 00:12:19,013 - How many times has that been said on this bed? 292 00:12:20,916 --> 00:12:22,483 - Oh, my heel! 293 00:12:22,485 --> 00:12:26,454 [screams] 294 00:12:26,456 --> 00:12:27,755 [coughs] 295 00:12:27,757 --> 00:12:30,558 I swallowed! I accidentally swallowed. 296 00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:35,129 - You know that's been said. 297 00:12:39,568 --> 00:12:41,068 - Max, we got a problem. 298 00:12:41,070 --> 00:12:42,603 See that girl? 299 00:12:42,605 --> 00:12:43,771 - Oh, what? The usual drill? 300 00:12:43,773 --> 00:12:46,941 You hold her arms, and I punch her till she tips 20%? 301 00:12:46,943 --> 00:12:50,745 - As much as I enjoy that when we do it, no. 302 00:12:50,747 --> 00:12:53,748 She's here to apply for caroline's job. 303 00:12:53,750 --> 00:12:54,916 - What? 304 00:12:54,918 --> 00:12:56,784 Han's really going through with this? 305 00:12:56,786 --> 00:12:57,985 I thought it was all talk, 306 00:12:57,987 --> 00:13:01,088 Like when a chihuahua barks at a big dog. 307 00:13:01,090 --> 00:13:02,757 - Me too. I thought it would blow over. 308 00:13:02,759 --> 00:13:05,359 You know, like han did in the wind that time? 309 00:13:05,361 --> 00:13:06,761 But, no, he is serious. 310 00:13:06,763 --> 00:13:09,864 - No way. I got this. 311 00:13:09,866 --> 00:13:11,499 Hi, is that your resume? 312 00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:13,801 Let's take a little look-see. 313 00:13:13,803 --> 00:13:15,336 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 314 00:13:15,338 --> 00:13:16,938 Oh, you worked there? Cool. 315 00:13:16,940 --> 00:13:18,339 - Yep. I'm a very hard worker. 316 00:13:18,341 --> 00:13:19,807 - Good. Can you block a punch? 317 00:13:19,809 --> 00:13:21,876 'cause the owner hits us. 318 00:13:21,878 --> 00:13:23,010 He broke my femur. 319 00:13:23,012 --> 00:13:25,146 When I complained, he broke the other one. 320 00:13:25,148 --> 00:13:28,482 Run before he sees me talking to you. 321 00:13:28,484 --> 00:13:30,852 Earl, I gotta get han and caroline to make up. 322 00:13:30,854 --> 00:13:32,353 I don't have access to the pills I need 323 00:13:32,355 --> 00:13:34,055 To keep working here without her. 324 00:13:34,057 --> 00:13:35,857 Any advice or pills? 325 00:13:35,859 --> 00:13:37,124 - Well, let's see. 326 00:13:37,126 --> 00:13:39,393 We are kind of like a family here, 327 00:13:39,395 --> 00:13:43,965 Except I can see you unsupervised on the weekends. 328 00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:45,666 - And you didn't use my college fund 329 00:13:45,668 --> 00:13:48,636 To buy a married man a corvette. 330 00:13:48,638 --> 00:13:50,972 - And in my family, when my kids would fight, 331 00:13:50,974 --> 00:13:53,174 I tried to get them to talk to each other, 332 00:13:53,176 --> 00:13:54,809 Because honesty is key. 333 00:13:54,811 --> 00:13:57,912 But if that didn't work, I'd lie to their faces-- 334 00:13:57,914 --> 00:13:59,046 Lock them in their room and tell them 335 00:13:59,048 --> 00:14:02,350 That the other one had three weeks to live. 336 00:14:02,352 --> 00:14:05,853 You know, what used to be known as good parenting. 337 00:14:05,855 --> 00:14:08,856 - Max, I've got 12 overqualified candidates 338 00:14:08,858 --> 00:14:10,892 Coming in for the waitress position today. 339 00:14:10,894 --> 00:14:13,895 Thank you, crumbling economy! 340 00:14:13,897 --> 00:14:15,863 - You know, han, here at this diner, 341 00:14:15,865 --> 00:14:17,832 We're kind of like a little family, and-- 342 00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:18,866 Oh, I can't do this. 343 00:14:18,868 --> 00:14:21,168 Caroline has three weeks left to live. 344 00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:22,937 I'm serious. She drank oleg's water bed. 345 00:14:22,939 --> 00:14:24,605 It's just a matter of time. 346 00:14:24,607 --> 00:14:25,940 - Nice try, max. 347 00:14:25,942 --> 00:14:27,608 I'm not going to give her back her job. 348 00:14:27,610 --> 00:14:30,444 She should've checked herself before she wrecked herself. 349 00:14:30,446 --> 00:14:32,580 - Come on. Hire her back. 350 00:14:32,582 --> 00:14:33,881 Be the bigger man. 351 00:14:33,883 --> 00:14:35,917 And note, I did not make a short joke, 352 00:14:35,919 --> 00:14:37,218 Because this is important, 353 00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:38,886 And also because I'm still working on something 354 00:14:38,888 --> 00:14:40,855 With peter dinklage's name. 355 00:14:40,857 --> 00:14:43,891 - No way, max. I am holding firm. 356 00:14:43,893 --> 00:14:46,961 - You know, firm han is kinda hot. 357 00:14:46,963 --> 00:14:47,962 - He is? - Yeah. 358 00:14:47,964 --> 00:14:49,363 I'm kinda feeling firm han. 359 00:14:49,365 --> 00:14:51,432 I have no interest in feeling the firm part, 360 00:14:51,434 --> 00:14:53,935 But I'll hang out with the rest. 361 00:14:53,937 --> 00:14:55,236 - You want to hang out with me? 362 00:14:55,238 --> 00:14:56,904 I'm generally free mondays through fridays, 363 00:14:56,906 --> 00:14:57,905 Mornings and evenings, 364 00:14:57,907 --> 00:15:01,042 And my weekends are wide open. 365 00:15:01,044 --> 00:15:02,576 I may have a wedding to go to in June, but-- 366 00:15:02,578 --> 00:15:03,978 - Breathe. 367 00:15:03,980 --> 00:15:04,979 Come over tomorrow. 368 00:15:04,981 --> 00:15:06,447 Caroline will be at oleg's. 369 00:15:06,449 --> 00:15:08,049 We can get stoned and watch a movie. 370 00:15:08,051 --> 00:15:09,550 - The last time I was stoned 371 00:15:09,552 --> 00:15:13,287 Was from a contact high I got at a concert. 372 00:15:13,289 --> 00:15:16,357 - Well, those wiggle shows do get crazy. 373 00:15:22,597 --> 00:15:23,631 - Look at us, max, 374 00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:25,232 Hanging outside of work at your place 375 00:15:25,234 --> 00:15:27,134 Like a couple of homeys. 376 00:15:27,136 --> 00:15:29,637 - Yeah, and where is my homey? 377 00:15:29,639 --> 00:15:33,407 Oh, it's this way. I can smell the axe body spray. 378 00:15:33,409 --> 00:15:35,009 - Now, what movie should we watch? 379 00:15:35,011 --> 00:15:37,411 I brought shrek, shrek 2, shrek 3, 380 00:15:37,413 --> 00:15:42,149 Shrek 3-d, and that cameron diaz cancer movie. 381 00:15:42,151 --> 00:15:45,086 - Is there one where shrek has cancer? 382 00:15:46,688 --> 00:15:49,090 Wow. This is completely-- 383 00:15:49,092 --> 00:15:53,194 The same place I always live at. 384 00:15:53,196 --> 00:15:54,929 - Max, it's so pretty. 385 00:15:54,931 --> 00:15:56,263 I thought your place would have furniture 386 00:15:56,265 --> 00:15:59,300 Made out of razor blades or something. 387 00:15:59,302 --> 00:16:02,837 - I wish. That sounds bitchin'. 388 00:16:02,839 --> 00:16:04,105 - What are you guys doing here? 389 00:16:04,107 --> 00:16:06,007 - What is caroline doing here? 390 00:16:06,009 --> 00:16:07,608 You said she was going to be at oleg's. 391 00:16:07,610 --> 00:16:08,943 - I am at oleg's. 392 00:16:08,945 --> 00:16:11,812 - You guys live with oleg? 393 00:16:11,814 --> 00:16:14,048 - You told him this was our apartment? 394 00:16:14,050 --> 00:16:16,550 - As a wise person once told me, sometimes, 395 00:16:16,552 --> 00:16:18,486 You gotta lie to keep your family together. 396 00:16:18,488 --> 00:16:20,121 I'm not letting anyone leave 397 00:16:20,123 --> 00:16:21,322 Until you talk to each other. 398 00:16:21,324 --> 00:16:25,192 - I don't understand. Are we not smoking weed? 399 00:16:26,995 --> 00:16:30,064 - Oh, I already did. 400 00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:31,499 - I don't know what his problem is. 401 00:16:31,501 --> 00:16:33,834 He fired me for missing 20 minutes of work. 402 00:16:33,836 --> 00:16:37,371 Why doesn't he fire himself for missing puberty? 403 00:16:37,373 --> 00:16:38,572 - Let it go, han. 404 00:16:38,574 --> 00:16:42,076 She spent her morning dusting a strap-on. 405 00:16:42,078 --> 00:16:43,711 - I didn't fire you because you were late. 406 00:16:43,713 --> 00:16:46,013 I fired you because you crapped all over the diner, 407 00:16:46,015 --> 00:16:48,149 And you forgot that diner lifted you up 408 00:16:48,151 --> 00:16:49,150 When you had nothing. 409 00:16:49,152 --> 00:16:50,317 - Well, I lifted you up 410 00:16:50,319 --> 00:16:53,187 When you couldn't reach the canned corn. 411 00:16:53,189 --> 00:16:56,557 So, we're even. Fight over. 412 00:16:56,559 --> 00:17:00,227 - What the hell did you do to my apartment? 413 00:17:00,229 --> 00:17:04,832 It looks like you could film a douche commercial in here. 414 00:17:06,101 --> 00:17:09,003 - Oleg, this is what you asked for: Romantic. 415 00:17:09,005 --> 00:17:10,204 - Romantic? 416 00:17:10,206 --> 00:17:12,440 My place went from fifty shades of grey 417 00:17:12,442 --> 00:17:16,110 To fifty shades of beige. 418 00:17:16,112 --> 00:17:19,080 Where's my sex swing? Where's my sex chair? 419 00:17:19,082 --> 00:17:20,514 Where's my poster that says, 420 00:17:20,516 --> 00:17:23,417 "poke her in the front, lick her in the back"? 421 00:17:23,419 --> 00:17:24,885 - Oleg, relax. 422 00:17:24,887 --> 00:17:27,021 All your stuff's either in the basement or the closet. 423 00:17:27,023 --> 00:17:29,090 And I think would know more about what a woman 424 00:17:29,092 --> 00:17:30,691 Would like to come home to than a man 425 00:17:30,693 --> 00:17:33,360 Whose last girlfriend was made in the philippines. 426 00:17:33,362 --> 00:17:34,929 [knocks at door] 427 00:17:34,931 --> 00:17:36,130 - It's me! 428 00:17:36,132 --> 00:17:38,432 Hide your kids! Hide your wife! 429 00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:40,201 - Sophie! She can't know you're here. 430 00:17:40,203 --> 00:17:42,203 - Go, go, all of you. 431 00:17:42,205 --> 00:17:44,038 Han! Get in the closet! 432 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,474 - Putting a guy who's in the closet in the closet? 433 00:17:46,476 --> 00:17:48,109 That's like gay nesting dolls. 434 00:17:48,111 --> 00:17:52,179 - I'm not gay. I'm a metrosexual. 435 00:17:54,483 --> 00:17:57,318 - This is where the magic happens? 436 00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,253 - Oh. 437 00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:02,256 Oh, no. 438 00:18:02,258 --> 00:18:05,926 Do you live with your mother? 439 00:18:05,928 --> 00:18:07,561 - What? You don't like? 440 00:18:07,563 --> 00:18:10,097 I thought you would enjoy the girl's touch. 441 00:18:10,099 --> 00:18:12,166 - [chuckles] what girls? 442 00:18:12,168 --> 00:18:16,403 The golden girls? [giggles] 443 00:18:16,405 --> 00:18:17,972 - Sophie hates it. 444 00:18:17,974 --> 00:18:20,508 I should've just thrown a boiled ham on the bed. 445 00:18:20,510 --> 00:18:21,642 - Oh, no. 446 00:18:21,644 --> 00:18:23,611 My hair's stuck in oleg's clothes. 447 00:18:23,613 --> 00:18:25,813 Please don't let it be a pant zipper. 448 00:18:25,815 --> 00:18:28,082 Oh. 449 00:18:28,084 --> 00:18:32,386 - [screams] 450 00:18:34,356 --> 00:18:36,790 - Han, alexis. Alexis, han. 451 00:18:36,792 --> 00:18:38,826 - Ew, take it away from me. 452 00:18:38,828 --> 00:18:43,097 It's so heavy-- oh, no, oh, no. 453 00:18:43,099 --> 00:18:44,165 Help. Get her off of me. 454 00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:46,200 - Why? You're finally getting some. 455 00:18:46,202 --> 00:18:49,703 - Caroline, help. I can't... 456 00:18:54,442 --> 00:18:59,213 - Look! Han's fallen and he can't get it up! 457 00:19:01,116 --> 00:19:03,184 - What the hell is going on here? 458 00:19:03,186 --> 00:19:07,488 I mean, this is freaky even for me. 459 00:19:07,490 --> 00:19:09,490 - Sophie, I can explain. 460 00:19:09,492 --> 00:19:11,992 I hired caroline to redo my apartment 461 00:19:11,994 --> 00:19:14,128 So it wouldn't be the dirty bachelor pad 462 00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:15,729 You were expecting. 463 00:19:15,731 --> 00:19:18,966 - But you are the dirty bachelor that I'm expecting. 464 00:19:18,968 --> 00:19:20,201 And why would you hire caroline? 465 00:19:20,203 --> 00:19:22,536 She doesn't know about sexy stuff. 466 00:19:22,538 --> 00:19:23,904 She couldn't even figure out what we do 467 00:19:23,906 --> 00:19:26,307 With the bowling ball. 468 00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:29,076 - Sophie, you should've seen what was in here. 469 00:19:29,078 --> 00:19:31,812 I mean, he had this anatomically correct real doll 470 00:19:31,814 --> 00:19:33,347 He named alexis. 471 00:19:33,349 --> 00:19:38,185 - Yeah, well, she's very pretty. 472 00:19:38,187 --> 00:19:40,821 - He had a sex swing. 473 00:19:40,823 --> 00:19:44,158 - Ooh, a sex swing. 474 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,192 What are you gonna tell me now? 475 00:19:45,194 --> 00:19:47,161 That he had a water bed? 476 00:19:47,163 --> 00:19:48,162 - I did. 477 00:19:48,164 --> 00:19:50,030 It had 1,500 tracer bulbs. 478 00:19:50,032 --> 00:19:52,266 It was hot. 479 00:19:52,268 --> 00:19:54,101 - Well, who has it now? 480 00:19:54,103 --> 00:19:56,870 I wanna be with him. 481 00:19:56,872 --> 00:19:59,240 - Oh, hell, I'm tired of all this role-playing, 482 00:19:59,242 --> 00:20:00,741 So I'm just going to say it. 483 00:20:00,743 --> 00:20:04,411 Sophie, I am in love with you. 484 00:20:06,848 --> 00:20:09,383 - Oh. 485 00:20:09,385 --> 00:20:12,353 Well, I haven't said this to a man 486 00:20:12,355 --> 00:20:15,856 In a very long time, 487 00:20:15,858 --> 00:20:20,361 But I like you a little bit. 488 00:20:20,363 --> 00:20:22,429 - I don't know what she's talking about, caroline. 489 00:20:22,431 --> 00:20:24,298 I think it's pretty. 490 00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:26,267 You make everything prettier, 491 00:20:26,269 --> 00:20:29,036 Even the dumb diner. 492 00:20:29,038 --> 00:20:31,205 - Your diner's not dumb. 493 00:20:31,207 --> 00:20:32,473 I miss the diner. 494 00:20:32,475 --> 00:20:34,141 - And it misses you. 495 00:20:34,143 --> 00:20:36,277 You can have your job back. 496 00:20:36,279 --> 00:20:38,612 - Is it just 'cause I'm stoned, or did anyone else 497 00:20:38,614 --> 00:20:42,249 Feel that deep connection between them? 498 00:20:42,251 --> 00:20:44,551 - Could you all leave? 499 00:20:44,553 --> 00:20:47,554 I wanna be alone with oleg... 500 00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:51,892 And alexis. 501 00:20:51,894 --> 00:20:54,895 - Now are we going to smoke weed? 502 00:20:54,897 --> 00:20:56,964 - Yeah, I'm dying to see you high. 503 00:20:56,966 --> 00:21:01,035 Well, as high as you can get.