1 00:00:02,545 --> 00:00:05,981 - What's up, peanut? 2 00:00:05,983 --> 00:00:08,216 - Max, I'm not paying you to just stand there. 3 00:00:08,218 --> 00:00:09,985 - Well, you're not paying me to eat as many french fries 4 00:00:09,987 --> 00:00:12,554 As I can before the plate leaves the kitchen, 5 00:00:12,556 --> 00:00:14,856 But I do that too. 6 00:00:14,858 --> 00:00:17,059 - Go wait on that pretty girl. 7 00:00:17,061 --> 00:00:20,162 Oh, wait. Is she a boy? 8 00:00:20,164 --> 00:00:23,265 She looks a little like a pretty boy. 9 00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:27,169 - She's probably looking at you and thinking the same thing. 10 00:00:29,405 --> 00:00:32,374 But are you attracted to the girl she is 11 00:00:32,376 --> 00:00:34,009 Or the boy she appears to be? 12 00:00:34,011 --> 00:00:36,078 You're confused, aren't you, han? 13 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:38,680 - Yes, my mind tells me one thing, 14 00:00:38,682 --> 00:00:42,050 But my body tells me [deep voice] something else. 15 00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:45,954 - Max, go on break. I've got the booth. 16 00:00:45,956 --> 00:00:47,722 - Oh, no. You can't wait on her. 17 00:00:47,724 --> 00:00:50,058 That's tina, a lesbian who turns straight girls. 18 00:00:50,060 --> 00:00:53,261 I call her "tina the turner." 19 00:00:53,263 --> 00:00:55,530 Practically every heterosexual woman 20 00:00:55,532 --> 00:00:57,132 In williamsburg has hooked up with her. 21 00:00:57,134 --> 00:00:59,401 - Max, everyone? 22 00:00:59,403 --> 00:01:03,805 - Not me. Who do you think turned her? 23 00:01:03,807 --> 00:01:06,808 But you won't be able to resist her charm. Trust me. 24 00:01:06,810 --> 00:01:10,112 - That's nonsense. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality. 25 00:01:10,114 --> 00:01:12,881 I once texted "yes" to mr. Chaz bono 26 00:01:12,883 --> 00:01:15,450 On dancing with the stars. 27 00:01:15,452 --> 00:01:17,152 - Okay, good luck. 28 00:01:17,154 --> 00:01:18,820 Just don't let me catch you guys making out on the table. 29 00:01:18,822 --> 00:01:20,021 - [scoffs] 30 00:01:20,023 --> 00:01:23,859 - Or do. It's a free country. 31 00:01:23,861 --> 00:01:25,227 - Hi, are you ready to order? 32 00:01:25,229 --> 00:01:28,130 - Sure. I love your hair, by the way. 33 00:01:28,132 --> 00:01:32,000 - Earl, caroline's about to fall in love with a lesbian. 34 00:01:32,002 --> 00:01:36,505 - Well, color me "I saw that one coming." 35 00:01:36,507 --> 00:01:38,073 - How'd it go? 36 00:01:38,075 --> 00:01:39,741 - Fine, she complimented my hair, 37 00:01:39,743 --> 00:01:42,077 She ordered a soup, I gave her my number. 38 00:01:42,079 --> 00:01:44,346 I gave her my number? 39 00:01:44,348 --> 00:01:46,314 - Okay, hit the showers. 40 00:01:46,316 --> 00:01:48,150 That's what I get for sending a straight woman 41 00:01:48,152 --> 00:01:50,652 To do an emotionally dead woman's job. 42 00:01:52,388 --> 00:01:54,756 - ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 43 00:01:54,758 --> 00:01:56,191 [cash register bell dings] 44 00:01:56,193 --> 00:02:01,396 ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 45 00:02:06,602 --> 00:02:08,136 - It was so nice to wake up this morning 46 00:02:08,138 --> 00:02:10,438 Without the stress of owning our cupcake business. 47 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,274 The only decision I have to make today is: 48 00:02:12,276 --> 00:02:15,510 Do I change my underwear or just turn these inside out? 49 00:02:15,512 --> 00:02:18,513 - Four years ago, I was hit with a similar conundrum: 50 00:02:18,515 --> 00:02:21,950 "do I buy underwear or do I buy beer?" 51 00:02:21,952 --> 00:02:25,453 I've been free-balling it ever since. 52 00:02:25,455 --> 00:02:27,522 - Max, what are you doing? What's happening over there? 53 00:02:27,524 --> 00:02:29,090 - Oh, you mean the arrow from the shop? 54 00:02:29,092 --> 00:02:30,425 I put it on so you'd know 55 00:02:30,427 --> 00:02:33,028 Where the insults were coming from. 56 00:02:33,030 --> 00:02:34,663 - I'm talking about the cupcakes. 57 00:02:34,665 --> 00:02:36,031 Our cupcake shop is gone. 58 00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:37,766 Why are you still making those things? 59 00:02:37,768 --> 00:02:39,601 - It's the only constant in my life, 60 00:02:39,603 --> 00:02:42,137 And the routine distracts me from the relentless darkness 61 00:02:42,139 --> 00:02:44,973 That lurks in every corner of my thoughts. 62 00:02:44,975 --> 00:02:46,875 Besides, we still need to sell these at the diner 63 00:02:46,877 --> 00:02:48,610 To make extra money. 64 00:02:48,612 --> 00:02:50,645 - Well, you can do it. I'm not speaking to them. 65 00:02:50,647 --> 00:02:52,347 They totally led me on. 66 00:02:52,349 --> 00:02:54,049 Those cupcakes were a tease. 67 00:02:54,051 --> 00:02:56,484 - Well, I want to pay rent this month. 68 00:02:56,486 --> 00:02:58,853 And then again next month, and so on and so on 69 00:02:58,855 --> 00:03:01,590 Until the exquisite release of death. 70 00:03:01,592 --> 00:03:05,193 - Oh, rent. Here we go again. Does that bitch ever stop? 71 00:03:05,195 --> 00:03:07,529 [sighs] [phone ringing] 72 00:03:07,531 --> 00:03:08,964 If that's death, it's for me. 73 00:03:08,966 --> 00:03:12,734 Tell him to honk and I'll be right out. 74 00:03:12,736 --> 00:03:16,304 Morning, chestnut. 75 00:03:16,306 --> 00:03:19,708 Oh, what is it about those big, beautiful eyes 76 00:03:19,710 --> 00:03:22,077 That makes everything feel better. 77 00:03:22,079 --> 00:03:25,380 - I guess I just have a warmth. 78 00:03:25,382 --> 00:03:27,949 Oh, you mean the horse. 79 00:03:27,951 --> 00:03:30,919 - Is this still good? 80 00:03:30,921 --> 00:03:33,321 It is not. 81 00:03:33,323 --> 00:03:35,457 Eh, like I have a choice. 82 00:03:35,459 --> 00:03:38,059 - Wow, that was a blast from the past-- 83 00:03:38,061 --> 00:03:39,995 My old temp agency. 84 00:03:39,997 --> 00:03:42,731 Flu's got their staff laid up. They need bodies. 85 00:03:42,733 --> 00:03:44,966 Wanna do it? I bet they'll let us temp together. 86 00:03:44,968 --> 00:03:48,169 - You think? You think they'd let us temp together? 87 00:03:48,171 --> 00:03:50,071 [sighs] oh, god. Last week, 88 00:03:50,073 --> 00:03:52,107 I owned a cupcake business, now I'm temping. 89 00:03:52,109 --> 00:03:55,443 Why don't I just ask chestnut to kick me in the head? 90 00:03:55,445 --> 00:03:59,247 - He won't do it. I've asked him like seven times. 91 00:03:59,249 --> 00:04:02,317 Look, we've both casually fantasized about our deaths 92 00:04:02,319 --> 00:04:04,052 Within ten minutes of waking up, 93 00:04:04,054 --> 00:04:07,022 So maybe we should do something to distract us. 94 00:04:07,024 --> 00:04:09,324 - And xeroxing will make us feel whole? 95 00:04:09,326 --> 00:04:12,894 - Let me tell you something. 96 00:04:12,896 --> 00:04:16,865 When you're photocopying your ass on a xerox machine, 97 00:04:16,867 --> 00:04:20,001 You are never more alive. 98 00:04:20,003 --> 00:04:22,504 Hello, old friend. 99 00:04:22,506 --> 00:04:25,240 Here it is, my temping blazer. 100 00:04:25,242 --> 00:04:28,743 Ahh, you can still smell the "no way out." 101 00:04:28,745 --> 00:04:30,512 - Why is that in a bucket? 102 00:04:30,514 --> 00:04:33,381 - 'cause I don't want to accidentally wear it. 103 00:04:33,383 --> 00:04:36,918 - Well, is there a pantsuit in the oven I could wear? 104 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,554 - It doesn't matter what you wear--you're a temp. 105 00:04:39,556 --> 00:04:42,524 They'll be impressed if you don't poop your pants. 106 00:04:42,526 --> 00:04:46,861 And even if you do, not a deal breaker. 107 00:04:46,863 --> 00:04:48,430 [knock at door] 108 00:04:48,432 --> 00:04:49,898 - All right, I'll go, 109 00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:51,232 But if we're temping to make our rent, 110 00:04:51,234 --> 00:04:53,134 That's the last batch of those. 111 00:04:53,136 --> 00:04:56,738 I don't want to see, hear, or think any more about cupcakes. 112 00:04:56,740 --> 00:04:58,640 - [laughs] 113 00:04:58,642 --> 00:05:02,277 Ding dong, the cupcake's calling. 114 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:04,446 [laughs] 115 00:05:04,448 --> 00:05:06,548 We found the cupcake costumes from your store 116 00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:09,451 Out near the dumpster. [laughs] 117 00:05:09,453 --> 00:05:10,819 - Are you guys drunk? 118 00:05:10,821 --> 00:05:12,620 - Yes! [laughs] 119 00:05:12,622 --> 00:05:16,191 Yeah, we've been out clubbing all night. [laughs] 120 00:05:16,193 --> 00:05:19,661 - [coughs] oh, I just swallowed one of my balls. 121 00:05:19,663 --> 00:05:21,896 - Yeah. Yeah. 122 00:05:21,898 --> 00:05:25,400 Well, now, you know how I feel. [laughs] 123 00:05:25,402 --> 00:05:28,370 - I threw those costumes away on purpose. 124 00:05:28,372 --> 00:05:30,505 Max and I are no longer making cupcakes. 125 00:05:30,507 --> 00:05:33,975 - What'd you say? 126 00:05:33,977 --> 00:05:36,745 - Cupcakes are a waste of time and money. 127 00:05:36,747 --> 00:05:40,014 - You take that back right now! 128 00:05:40,016 --> 00:05:41,649 No, you don't-- 129 00:05:41,651 --> 00:05:43,551 You're lucky 130 00:05:43,553 --> 00:05:46,721 That I have a giant cake holding me back right now. 131 00:05:46,723 --> 00:05:49,357 [laughs] 132 00:05:53,329 --> 00:05:55,997 - Fifth floor, end of dreams. 133 00:05:55,999 --> 00:05:58,099 Oh, yeah, I worked here before. 134 00:05:58,101 --> 00:06:00,068 You know the toaster oven in our kitchen? 135 00:06:00,070 --> 00:06:03,071 It came from here. 136 00:06:03,073 --> 00:06:06,641 Hi. Caroline channing, reporting for my first day. 137 00:06:06,643 --> 00:06:08,410 I went ahead and printed out my address, 138 00:06:08,412 --> 00:06:10,011 Social security number, and other important information 139 00:06:10,013 --> 00:06:11,679 To make your life easier. 140 00:06:11,681 --> 00:06:14,282 - Hey, I'm temp number two. Where your bathroom at? 141 00:06:14,284 --> 00:06:16,651 - I'll get eli. He's my boss. 142 00:06:16,653 --> 00:06:18,686 Sign these stating that if you're injured on the job, 143 00:06:18,688 --> 00:06:20,155 It's not our fault. 144 00:06:20,157 --> 00:06:22,624 - How would we injure ourselves in an office? 145 00:06:22,626 --> 00:06:26,161 - Let me just give you a "for instance." 146 00:06:26,163 --> 00:06:28,296 Some girl, let's say her name is sarah, 147 00:06:28,298 --> 00:06:29,664 Is walking through the office 148 00:06:29,666 --> 00:06:31,933 With her number 2 pencil facing up-ways. 149 00:06:31,935 --> 00:06:33,835 Well, she trips over her shoes and falls, 150 00:06:33,837 --> 00:06:35,804 And that number 2 pencil goes right through her eyeball 151 00:06:35,806 --> 00:06:37,705 And into her brain. 152 00:06:37,707 --> 00:06:39,774 And now she's gotta eat applesauce through a straw 153 00:06:39,776 --> 00:06:41,509 The rest of her life. 154 00:06:41,511 --> 00:06:44,212 See, that's not our fault, that's her fault, 155 00:06:44,214 --> 00:06:45,613 As per the judge's decision 156 00:06:45,615 --> 00:06:47,348 In sarah drake vs. Westship insurance. 157 00:06:47,350 --> 00:06:49,651 Sign those. I'll get eli. 158 00:06:49,653 --> 00:06:52,320 - Thank you. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. 159 00:06:52,322 --> 00:06:55,890 - That's 'cause I didn't give it to you. 160 00:06:55,892 --> 00:06:59,027 - What are you doing? You never give anybody your real name. 161 00:06:59,029 --> 00:07:01,362 That way, when you make your little data entry mistake, 162 00:07:01,364 --> 00:07:03,465 They can't track the real you down. 163 00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:06,734 You didn't see me at the enron trial, did you? 164 00:07:06,736 --> 00:07:09,804 And that light in your eyes? Dim it down, way down. 165 00:07:09,806 --> 00:07:10,972 Show me. 166 00:07:13,042 --> 00:07:15,710 Wow. That's actually really good. How'd you do that? 167 00:07:15,712 --> 00:07:18,546 - I thought about our future. - Great! 168 00:07:18,548 --> 00:07:20,148 - Eli's in a meeting, 169 00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:22,584 But you gotta watch this sexual harassment video. 170 00:07:22,586 --> 00:07:24,552 - Watching a video seems like a waste of time 171 00:07:24,554 --> 00:07:26,588 When we could be doing something more productive. 172 00:07:26,590 --> 00:07:30,892 - A waste of time? Let me just give you a "for instance." 173 00:07:30,894 --> 00:07:32,427 There's this dominican guy, 174 00:07:32,429 --> 00:07:34,429 He's installing a new water jug in the office, 175 00:07:34,431 --> 00:07:37,065 And he looks at one of the female employees and says, 176 00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:40,568 "speaking of jugs," and then he reaches up 177 00:07:40,570 --> 00:07:42,904 And cups the employee's breastesses 178 00:07:42,906 --> 00:07:46,508 Then starts twisting on the nips and what have you. 179 00:07:46,510 --> 00:07:48,977 Now, how do you handle a situation like that? 180 00:07:48,979 --> 00:07:51,980 - That's actually how my longest relationship started. 181 00:07:51,982 --> 00:07:53,414 [chuckles] 182 00:07:55,184 --> 00:07:57,151 - [on tv] I'd love to give you that promotion, beverly, 183 00:07:57,153 --> 00:07:59,654 But first, you'll have to do something...For me. 184 00:07:59,656 --> 00:08:02,056 - Don't do it, beverly! Don't do it! 185 00:08:02,058 --> 00:08:04,859 Spoiler alert. I've watched this in here before, 186 00:08:04,861 --> 00:08:07,095 And it does not end well for beverly. 187 00:08:07,097 --> 00:08:08,763 - Well, not to blame the victim, 188 00:08:08,765 --> 00:08:11,332 But who wears a black bra to work? 189 00:08:11,334 --> 00:08:12,901 These shelves would be so much better 190 00:08:12,903 --> 00:08:15,069 If they were alphabetized and color-coordinated. 191 00:08:15,071 --> 00:08:17,939 - Forget that cabinet and look at the top shelf on beverly. 192 00:08:17,941 --> 00:08:19,941 I'm a little jelly. 193 00:08:19,943 --> 00:08:21,543 - [on tv] that's right, beverly. 194 00:08:21,545 --> 00:08:23,845 Now, bend down and pick up that file. 195 00:08:23,847 --> 00:08:25,947 - Oh, doug, you're up to your old tricks, 196 00:08:25,949 --> 00:08:28,616 And she falls for it every time. 197 00:08:28,618 --> 00:08:30,585 - Let's pause here and write down these rules 198 00:08:30,587 --> 00:08:32,420 We've learned from beverly and doug. 199 00:08:32,422 --> 00:08:35,089 - Oh, I love the smell in here. 200 00:08:35,091 --> 00:08:37,125 Reminds me of interning on wall street, 201 00:08:37,127 --> 00:08:40,061 You know, minus the dignity and the future. 202 00:08:40,063 --> 00:08:42,897 But why would the paper products be near the toner cartridges? 203 00:08:42,899 --> 00:08:44,198 Whoever organized this place 204 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,200 Must have been stupid or lazy or both. 205 00:08:46,202 --> 00:08:48,269 - A-both. 206 00:08:48,271 --> 00:08:49,938 Forget all that shelf stuff. 207 00:08:49,940 --> 00:08:51,906 You are not here to improve office layout, 208 00:08:51,908 --> 00:08:53,908 You're here to keep quiet, pretend like you're working, 209 00:08:53,910 --> 00:08:55,476 And steal five to ten vitamin waters 210 00:08:55,478 --> 00:08:58,313 From the break room at the end of each day. 211 00:08:59,448 --> 00:09:01,449 - Hey. 212 00:09:01,451 --> 00:09:05,386 Are you watching dirty videos in here and didn't invite me? 213 00:09:05,388 --> 00:09:08,623 - They're making harassment videos in 3-d now? 214 00:09:08,625 --> 00:09:10,291 - I was looking for the new temps, 215 00:09:10,293 --> 00:09:12,226 But I think I wandered into a beauty pageant. 216 00:09:12,228 --> 00:09:14,896 Uh, the votes are in. It's a tie. 217 00:09:14,898 --> 00:09:16,831 I'm eli green, the office manager. 218 00:09:16,833 --> 00:09:17,899 You must be our new temps. 219 00:09:17,901 --> 00:09:19,167 - I'm caroline channing. 220 00:09:19,169 --> 00:09:22,003 - And I'm carmen...Sandiego. 221 00:09:22,005 --> 00:09:23,838 No relation. 222 00:09:27,376 --> 00:09:28,576 [cat meows] - [laughs] 223 00:09:28,578 --> 00:09:30,311 Oh, my god, this is great! 224 00:09:30,313 --> 00:09:32,213 The cat's eating the dog's food. 225 00:09:32,215 --> 00:09:35,149 The dog's just like, "wha-a-at?" 226 00:09:35,151 --> 00:09:39,320 Yo, psst. "cat eats dog food." youtube it now. 227 00:09:39,322 --> 00:09:41,255 - Kinda busy with my work. 228 00:09:41,257 --> 00:09:43,091 - It's called "minimum wage" 229 00:09:43,093 --> 00:09:46,327 'cause you're supposed to do the minimum. 230 00:09:46,329 --> 00:09:48,529 - Mmm. Coffee tastes so much better 231 00:09:48,531 --> 00:09:50,665 When it's from today and you haven't paid for it. 232 00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,100 [cat meows] 233 00:09:52,102 --> 00:09:54,936 - [laughs] the dog's just like, "wha-a-at?" 234 00:09:54,938 --> 00:09:56,537 Classic. 235 00:09:56,539 --> 00:09:59,507 - You like that video? Look up "cat vs. Toddler." 236 00:09:59,509 --> 00:10:02,877 You're welcome. 237 00:10:02,879 --> 00:10:05,847 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this a modeling agency? 238 00:10:05,849 --> 00:10:08,116 Did I get off on the wrong floor? 239 00:10:08,118 --> 00:10:13,287 - I don't care where you get off as long as it's not here. 240 00:10:13,289 --> 00:10:16,591 - Hi, eli. So any idea when they'll decide 241 00:10:16,593 --> 00:10:18,793 Who's getting the junior executive promotion, or-- 242 00:10:18,795 --> 00:10:20,795 - Not yet, but I did just mention your name 243 00:10:20,797 --> 00:10:22,563 To the big guys, ryan. - I'm leon. 244 00:10:22,565 --> 00:10:25,066 - Hey, caroline. 245 00:10:25,068 --> 00:10:26,434 - Hi. Question: I already finished 246 00:10:26,436 --> 00:10:27,969 The first quarter claim reports... 247 00:10:27,971 --> 00:10:31,272 - Are you doping? We need to stretch this out. 248 00:10:31,274 --> 00:10:33,041 - And since I had time, I took the liberty 249 00:10:33,043 --> 00:10:34,876 Of reformatting the expense template, 250 00:10:34,878 --> 00:10:36,711 So what would you like me to do now, eli? 251 00:10:36,713 --> 00:10:39,947 - Say my name, say my name. 252 00:10:39,949 --> 00:10:42,050 Hey, caroline, you're not just hot, 253 00:10:42,052 --> 00:10:44,886 You're on fire over there. You should be throwing your hat 254 00:10:44,888 --> 00:10:46,220 In the ring for that executive job. 255 00:10:46,222 --> 00:10:47,722 - Really? 256 00:10:47,724 --> 00:10:51,793 - And this girl's just like, "wha-a-at?" 257 00:10:54,563 --> 00:10:57,665 That temp place is soul-sucking, 258 00:10:57,667 --> 00:11:00,635 And I didn't even know I had a soul to suck. 259 00:11:00,637 --> 00:11:04,305 If that's a suicide note, just add my name to the end. 260 00:11:04,307 --> 00:11:05,973 - Come on, it's not that bad, 261 00:11:05,975 --> 00:11:08,676 And I got four free fresh coffee drinks, 262 00:11:08,678 --> 00:11:11,012 And one had a caramel drizzle. 263 00:11:11,014 --> 00:11:12,647 - Caramel drizzle? 264 00:11:12,649 --> 00:11:15,316 That's definitely my name at my next temp job. 265 00:11:15,318 --> 00:11:17,351 - I don't know if this is such a temp job. 266 00:11:17,353 --> 00:11:18,853 I'm filling out this application 267 00:11:18,855 --> 00:11:20,722 To apply for that junior executive position. 268 00:11:20,724 --> 00:11:22,557 - Oh, no, you're not. 269 00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:24,092 We're only going back one more time 270 00:11:24,094 --> 00:11:25,359 To get enough wite-out 271 00:11:25,361 --> 00:11:28,429 To do the kim kardashian white manicure. 272 00:11:28,431 --> 00:11:31,566 - Max, you saw me there today. I'm good at this, 273 00:11:31,568 --> 00:11:33,601 And it felt amazing to be working somewhere 274 00:11:33,603 --> 00:11:36,037 Where my skills are valued and supported. 275 00:11:36,039 --> 00:11:38,539 - Oh! Are you not feeling supported here? 276 00:11:38,541 --> 00:11:42,944 I'm sorry, I'm a boss, not a bra. 277 00:11:42,946 --> 00:11:45,079 Should I praise you more? Really killing it 278 00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:48,349 With the leaning on the counter doing nothing. 279 00:11:48,351 --> 00:11:52,453 Kudos, caroline. Huzzah. 280 00:11:52,455 --> 00:11:54,122 - Hey, where's my "huzzah"? 281 00:11:54,124 --> 00:11:56,023 I was standing around doing nothing too. 282 00:11:56,025 --> 00:11:57,425 - And don't forget about me. 283 00:11:57,427 --> 00:12:00,695 I was sitting around doing nothing. 284 00:12:00,697 --> 00:12:03,297 - In korea, you all would be left on the curb 285 00:12:03,299 --> 00:12:05,299 And taken away with the garbage. 286 00:12:05,301 --> 00:12:09,270 - Is that how you got to america, han? 287 00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:12,306 Earl, caroline's being an idiot. 288 00:12:12,308 --> 00:12:16,711 - Oh, are we doing this in front of her now? 289 00:12:16,713 --> 00:12:18,513 - Hey, would you still apply for that job 290 00:12:18,515 --> 00:12:21,315 If I told you we sold out of the cupcakes tonight? 291 00:12:21,317 --> 00:12:22,717 Last one. 292 00:12:22,719 --> 00:12:24,519 - Oh, so what, they're good one day 293 00:12:24,521 --> 00:12:25,953 And you want me to take them back? 294 00:12:25,955 --> 00:12:28,623 Who am I, robert pattinson? 295 00:12:28,625 --> 00:12:31,692 - So you just cut lil' coconut here out of your life? 296 00:12:31,694 --> 00:12:33,327 That's cold. 297 00:12:33,329 --> 00:12:36,063 - Max, this job offers medical benefits. 298 00:12:36,065 --> 00:12:38,800 There are doctors who don't have medical benefits. 299 00:12:38,802 --> 00:12:41,302 And financial security. Maybe I want to wake up 300 00:12:41,304 --> 00:12:43,471 Every morning not wanting to kill myself. 301 00:12:43,473 --> 00:12:46,407 - Well, that's weird, but whatever. 302 00:12:49,878 --> 00:12:52,413 - I went to wharton. 303 00:12:52,415 --> 00:12:53,915 - Pay attention, everyone. 304 00:12:53,917 --> 00:12:55,550 I know you're all very busy working hard-- 305 00:12:55,552 --> 00:12:57,418 [cat meows] - [on computer] congratulations, 306 00:12:57,420 --> 00:12:59,620 You've just won a free ipad. - What the--I don't know-- 307 00:12:59,622 --> 00:13:02,156 [clears throat] attention, everyone! 308 00:13:02,158 --> 00:13:04,792 While doing work and nothing but work, 309 00:13:04,794 --> 00:13:07,161 I may have downloaded a virus that meows, 310 00:13:07,163 --> 00:13:10,097 So be on the lookout. 311 00:13:10,099 --> 00:13:11,833 Carry on, eli. 312 00:13:11,835 --> 00:13:14,569 - Thank you, carmen. 313 00:13:14,571 --> 00:13:16,571 Happy to say, tenth floor 314 00:13:16,573 --> 00:13:18,072 Has finally picked our new junior exec, 315 00:13:18,074 --> 00:13:19,674 And that person is sitting right here. 316 00:13:19,676 --> 00:13:21,475 - Yes! - No, caroline. 317 00:13:21,477 --> 00:13:23,077 - Yes! - No! 318 00:13:23,079 --> 00:13:24,078 - Champagne on me! 319 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,113 - Yes! 320 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:32,987 - Here, I got us a fresh bottle, 'cause I'm the boss. 321 00:13:32,989 --> 00:13:34,822 Miss black, would you pop that cork for me? 322 00:13:34,824 --> 00:13:37,091 - I'd be happy to, miss channing, you bitch. 323 00:13:37,093 --> 00:13:39,627 Ooh! - [laughs] 324 00:13:39,629 --> 00:13:42,797 Okay. 325 00:13:42,799 --> 00:13:45,533 Okay, okay, now I'm gonna make a proper toast. 326 00:13:45,535 --> 00:13:47,134 - I don't know how. 327 00:13:47,136 --> 00:13:49,103 Their toaster oven's in our kitchen. 328 00:13:49,105 --> 00:13:51,839 - To max--I promise not to sexually harass you 329 00:13:51,841 --> 00:13:54,442 No matter how much I'm required to as your superior. 330 00:13:54,444 --> 00:13:57,178 - To caroline-- I cannot promise the same thing, 331 00:13:57,180 --> 00:14:00,681 'cause sister, you fine. - [laughs] 332 00:14:00,683 --> 00:14:04,185 - Oh, crap! I spilled champagne on my good bucket blazer. 333 00:14:04,187 --> 00:14:08,356 - [low voice] yes, right there on your breasts, beverly. 334 00:14:08,358 --> 00:14:10,691 I'm doing doug from the sexual harassment video. 335 00:14:10,693 --> 00:14:13,361 - The doug? Love your harassment work! 336 00:14:13,363 --> 00:14:16,931 Especially that sad h.R. Scene where you get fired and cry 337 00:14:16,933 --> 00:14:20,034 But still manage to touch yourself a little. 338 00:14:20,036 --> 00:14:22,236 - [low voice] wow, beverly, 339 00:14:22,238 --> 00:14:24,605 Your breasts are so big, I might need the whole box. 340 00:14:24,607 --> 00:14:26,607 [laughs] 341 00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:29,644 - That's enough. You're making this rag feel even dirtier. 342 00:14:29,646 --> 00:14:31,245 Hey, hand me that. - What? 343 00:14:31,247 --> 00:14:33,381 My new westship company poncho? - Yep. 344 00:14:33,383 --> 00:14:35,983 Now it's my booze bib. 345 00:14:35,985 --> 00:14:37,885 Oh, I love this. 346 00:14:37,887 --> 00:14:40,655 Somehow it's small enough to fit in your purse, 347 00:14:40,657 --> 00:14:42,223 But large enough to sleep under 348 00:14:42,225 --> 00:14:43,925 During an "occupy wall street"-type situation. 349 00:14:43,927 --> 00:14:45,826 - [laughs] 350 00:14:45,828 --> 00:14:48,162 Max, I'm pouring you more champagne 351 00:14:48,164 --> 00:14:49,430 Because I have something 352 00:14:49,432 --> 00:14:51,399 Really exciting I want to tell you. 353 00:14:51,401 --> 00:14:54,602 I talked to eli about hiring you full-time. 354 00:14:54,604 --> 00:14:57,672 You are now a junior executive's executive assistant! 355 00:14:57,674 --> 00:15:02,209 - I will knock you to the ground! 356 00:15:02,211 --> 00:15:05,813 - Max, think about it. It comes with health care. 357 00:15:05,815 --> 00:15:08,182 You wouldn't have to decide between birth control pills 358 00:15:08,184 --> 00:15:10,551 And morning-after pills. 359 00:15:10,553 --> 00:15:14,555 - Are you trying to take away a woman's right to choose? 360 00:15:14,557 --> 00:15:17,925 - Come on, it could be so fun. 361 00:15:17,927 --> 00:15:20,027 Coming to work together, getting free coffee-- 362 00:15:20,029 --> 00:15:22,330 The good kind, the blended kind-- 363 00:15:22,332 --> 00:15:24,999 Not to mention xeroxing our asses 364 00:15:25,001 --> 00:15:26,667 And feeling more alive than ever. 365 00:15:26,669 --> 00:15:28,536 Watch, I'll show you what a fun boss I can be. 366 00:15:28,538 --> 00:15:31,539 Let's xerox our asses. 367 00:15:31,541 --> 00:15:34,408 - Well, how could I say no to copying my butt? 368 00:15:34,410 --> 00:15:35,509 The only thing better than one of my butts 369 00:15:35,511 --> 00:15:37,578 Is two of my butts. 370 00:15:37,580 --> 00:15:40,848 - I'll go first. - Too late! 371 00:15:40,850 --> 00:15:43,718 Do you want legal size paper or three-hole punch? 372 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:47,755 Three-hole punch? That's how my longest relationship ended. 373 00:15:47,757 --> 00:15:51,392 Ready, you corporate sell-out. Fry me. 374 00:15:54,863 --> 00:15:56,998 Hey, why is it still flashing? 375 00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,134 - Whoops! I put in 100 copies instead of one. 376 00:16:00,136 --> 00:16:03,471 - Don't worry about it, we'll use them as christmas cards. 377 00:16:03,473 --> 00:16:06,607 - See? That's why I need an assistant. 378 00:16:06,609 --> 00:16:09,677 - Thanks, but I'm not gonna take this stupid corporate job. 379 00:16:09,679 --> 00:16:12,813 I'm gonna stick with cupcakes, even though you just quit. 380 00:16:12,815 --> 00:16:15,449 - I didn't quit the cupcake business. 381 00:16:15,451 --> 00:16:17,318 If you remember, it quit us. 382 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:18,686 At least this job makes sense. 383 00:16:18,688 --> 00:16:21,022 You get a regular paycheck, benefits. 384 00:16:21,024 --> 00:16:22,823 You don't spend two whole years of your life 385 00:16:22,825 --> 00:16:24,225 Giving it everything, 386 00:16:24,227 --> 00:16:25,826 And then walk away feeling like a failure. 387 00:16:25,828 --> 00:16:27,561 Get off that now. I'm worried 388 00:16:27,563 --> 00:16:28,896 You're giving yourself butt cancer. 389 00:16:28,898 --> 00:16:33,067 - Wait, you think you're a failure? 390 00:16:33,069 --> 00:16:34,835 'cause I think we did amazing. 391 00:16:34,837 --> 00:16:38,139 - The shop closed, max. Our dream blew up in our face. 392 00:16:38,141 --> 00:16:40,408 - Lots of things blow up in your face. 393 00:16:40,410 --> 00:16:44,011 It's part of being a woman. 394 00:16:46,014 --> 00:16:50,518 You just... Towel off and keep going. 395 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,086 You're really going to do this? 396 00:16:52,088 --> 00:16:54,088 This was just supposed to be a temporary distraction 397 00:16:54,090 --> 00:16:55,790 Till we got back to the cupcake thing. 398 00:16:55,792 --> 00:16:58,259 - No, max. Cupcakes were the temp job. 399 00:16:58,261 --> 00:17:00,227 - No, cupcakes were our dream. 400 00:17:00,229 --> 00:17:01,729 - Well, I was wrong. 401 00:17:01,731 --> 00:17:05,332 Maybe it's better not to have a dream. 402 00:17:06,968 --> 00:17:08,469 - Good morning, everyone. 403 00:17:08,471 --> 00:17:10,271 Eli, they said you wanted to see me in here? 404 00:17:10,273 --> 00:17:12,940 Ms. Channing, my name is michelle yi, I'm with h.R. 405 00:17:12,942 --> 00:17:15,843 - Aw! Is this my official welcome? 406 00:17:15,845 --> 00:17:17,945 [british accent] oh, hello. [laughs] 407 00:17:17,947 --> 00:17:19,413 Well, here, I brought 408 00:17:19,415 --> 00:17:21,148 Some first-day bagels and plain cream cheese. 409 00:17:21,150 --> 00:17:24,118 Sometimes chives can be a little breathy, am I right? 410 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,821 - Is this the woman who sexually harassed you? 411 00:17:28,423 --> 00:17:30,791 - Yup, that's her. 412 00:17:30,793 --> 00:17:34,962 - [laughs] oh, good one! Really funny. 413 00:17:34,964 --> 00:17:36,330 Me harassing you? 414 00:17:36,332 --> 00:17:38,499 Come on, you're not even my type. 415 00:17:38,501 --> 00:17:40,634 - Caroline, this isn't a joke. 416 00:17:40,636 --> 00:17:43,137 Trust me, I've been through four of these. 417 00:17:43,139 --> 00:17:44,872 - Wait, what's going on? 418 00:17:44,874 --> 00:17:47,441 - Ms. Channing, please don't address carmen directly. 419 00:17:47,443 --> 00:17:49,310 - Max. - "max"? 420 00:17:49,312 --> 00:17:51,779 Is that a pet name she has for you, carmen? 421 00:17:51,781 --> 00:17:57,618 - Yes. She also calls me "caramel drizzle." 422 00:17:57,620 --> 00:17:59,720 - Can you tell me what exactly happened 423 00:17:59,722 --> 00:18:01,355 With ms. Channing last night? 424 00:18:01,357 --> 00:18:03,958 - She fondled my breasts. 425 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,193 - Ms. Yi, it's not how it sounds. 426 00:18:06,195 --> 00:18:08,929 We were drinking, and I was pretending to be a man. 427 00:18:08,931 --> 00:18:10,798 - "drinking." "pretending to be a man." 428 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,067 - Don't write that down. Don't write that down. 429 00:18:13,069 --> 00:18:14,802 - And carmen, when ms. Channing touched you, 430 00:18:14,804 --> 00:18:16,203 How did that make you feel? 431 00:18:16,205 --> 00:18:18,105 - Dirty. 432 00:18:18,107 --> 00:18:20,374 Dirty and underpaid. 433 00:18:20,376 --> 00:18:22,143 - She felt dirty? 434 00:18:22,145 --> 00:18:23,944 Come on, ms. Yi, you don't know her. 435 00:18:23,946 --> 00:18:27,815 She's the dirty girl. She is a dirty, dirty girl. 436 00:18:27,817 --> 00:18:29,917 - And does that turn you on? 437 00:18:29,919 --> 00:18:33,554 - No! It's almost impossible to turn me on. 438 00:18:33,556 --> 00:18:36,757 - Oh, good. Now I don't feel so bad. 439 00:18:36,759 --> 00:18:39,059 - Trust me, she's making this stuff up. 440 00:18:39,061 --> 00:18:40,594 - I'm sorry, ms. Channing. 441 00:18:40,596 --> 00:18:42,963 We're gonna have to terminate your employment. 442 00:18:42,965 --> 00:18:47,067 - This is outrageous! Nothing she said ever happened. 443 00:18:47,069 --> 00:18:50,771 - Then how do you explain this? 444 00:18:50,773 --> 00:18:53,007 - That is a copy from a xerox machine 445 00:18:53,009 --> 00:18:54,942 Badly in need of toner, which is just one 446 00:18:54,944 --> 00:18:57,211 Of the many oversights that would not have continued 447 00:18:57,213 --> 00:19:00,848 Had I been made an executive here. Good day. 448 00:19:02,918 --> 00:19:05,853 - I don't know what she's talking about. 449 00:19:05,855 --> 00:19:07,388 That butt couldn't be any toner. 450 00:19:07,390 --> 00:19:09,657 Write that down, write that down. 451 00:19:09,659 --> 00:19:12,526 - Can I get a peek at that? 452 00:19:18,934 --> 00:19:20,701 - How are you tonight, caroline? 453 00:19:20,703 --> 00:19:22,937 - Angry, frustrated, humiliated. 454 00:19:22,939 --> 00:19:26,307 - Just another Tuesday at the diner. 455 00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:29,176 - Hello, carmen. Or is it "caramel drizzle?" 456 00:19:29,178 --> 00:19:31,212 Just so you know, 457 00:19:31,214 --> 00:19:34,048 That stunt will go on my professional work record. 458 00:19:34,050 --> 00:19:35,449 - Oh, please. This diner's 459 00:19:35,451 --> 00:19:37,851 On your professional work record. 460 00:19:37,853 --> 00:19:40,888 And your record's clean. Eli expunged it 461 00:19:40,890 --> 00:19:44,291 Because I gave him a couple of my ass xeroxes. 462 00:19:44,293 --> 00:19:46,293 He's laminating them and using them as place mats. 463 00:19:46,295 --> 00:19:47,995 My idea. 464 00:19:47,997 --> 00:19:50,864 - For what, max? Why'd you get me fired? 465 00:19:50,866 --> 00:19:52,866 - Why'd I get you fired? 466 00:19:52,868 --> 00:19:57,071 Well, let me give you a "for instance." 467 00:19:57,073 --> 00:20:00,007 I once knew this girl who was so used to not failing 468 00:20:00,009 --> 00:20:01,542 That the first time she did, 469 00:20:01,544 --> 00:20:03,711 She got so scared, she forgot who she was 470 00:20:03,713 --> 00:20:05,179 And tried to be somebody else, 471 00:20:05,181 --> 00:20:07,982 And then she touched my breastesses. 472 00:20:07,984 --> 00:20:09,917 Look, it's cool if you don't 473 00:20:09,919 --> 00:20:11,485 Want to join in on the cupcake dream, 474 00:20:11,487 --> 00:20:13,520 But at least wait till you find another. 475 00:20:13,522 --> 00:20:15,589 Don't hop on the first one that comes along. 476 00:20:15,591 --> 00:20:18,158 It's a dream, not a man. 477 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,427 - See? You are a dirty girl. 478 00:20:20,429 --> 00:20:23,597 - I'm a dirty, dirty girl. [both laugh] 479 00:20:23,599 --> 00:20:27,601 - Hey, cupcake quitters. 480 00:20:27,603 --> 00:20:30,537 Look, do you see what you've driven me to? 481 00:20:30,539 --> 00:20:32,940 Supermarket cakes. 482 00:20:32,942 --> 00:20:36,076 - Sophie, you don't need to eat those. 483 00:20:36,078 --> 00:20:37,578 You can have one of ours. 484 00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:41,181 Max's homemade cupcakes is back in business. 485 00:20:43,118 --> 00:20:47,087 - It would be cruel to kid me. 486 00:20:47,089 --> 00:20:50,224 - Nope. We're doing it differently this time. 487 00:20:50,226 --> 00:20:52,026 - We are? How? 488 00:20:52,028 --> 00:20:53,560 - I have no idea. 489 00:20:53,562 --> 00:20:55,429 But for starters, 490 00:20:55,431 --> 00:20:58,132 You're my new junior executive executive's assistant. 491 00:20:58,134 --> 00:21:02,770 - I will knock you to the ground. 492 00:21:02,772 --> 00:21:06,840 - Mmm. Ohh. Yeah. 493 00:21:06,842 --> 00:21:09,543 Well, mama happy now. 494 00:21:12,514 --> 00:21:13,714 [cash register bell dings]