- Oh, my god! We have customers?
What's going on?
Why are there so many hipsters here?
Are we selling stupid hats and telling them
They're more talented than they actually are?
- No, that's already a store. It's called "fedorable."
You've been working so hard to get us customers in,
I wanted to contribute by finding a way
To get in the neighborhood hipsters.
So...Here's our new flyer.
- You made up a new flyer
Without talking to me about it first?
- I renamed all the cupcakes after people from the '90s!
- "max's homemade cupcakes.
We've got all your flavor flavs."
- Hipsters love '90s nostalgia more than they love
Pretending not to love anything.
- "come in and lick a beavis.
Eat a butt-head."
- The pistachio is now called the dennis rodman
Because it's such a dumbass flavor.
- Cute. Wait, what's going on over there?
Why are all those cupcakes smashed?
- Those are the nancy kerrigans.
- I don't know if it's in good taste
To make fun of her personal tragedy.
- I sold eight of them. - Screw her, you're a genius!
Ooh, ooh, can I name one?
How 'bout we call the day-olds the hugh hefners?
- That's not '90s.
- He's in his 90s, and he's stale and hard.
- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
- Can I get a jonathan taylor thomas to go
And two of the spice girls?
Any one but "baby."
- Sure.
- Dude, you should come to the '90s trivia contest
Every Monday at the bar bar.
You could win, like, big money.
- Yeah, and then I could pay for the lobotomy I'd need
To forget that I ever participated
In a hipster contest in a bar.
- Cute hat. You're very talented.
I'm putting this flyer up in the window.
Oh, look, there's a street performer
Trying to get people to dance with his marionette
Outside our shop.
- Uh-oh, not cool!
No hipster wants to crump with a puppet.
See, he just chased them away.
- We'll just ask him to move, but we have to be nice.
- Nice? Nice...Oh, yeah, that's the thing you are
To the welfare lady while your mom's in the bedroom
Hiding the new tv.
[romantic accordion music]
- Hi, how are you? We own this cupcake--
- Shh! Not while he's dancing.
♪
- Oh, I'm sorry, would you like me to wait?
- Oh, this dude's a serial killer.
♪
- Uh...Oh. Uh...
Do you want me to...
- Yup, total serial killer.
Just a matter of time till we're hung on strings
In his basement.
- And I probably just got puppet herpes.
- Well, I hope you enjoyed your kiss
With charming pierre.
Now, if you wouldn't mind...
- Oh, pierre's a prostitute?
It's a little weird for him to do it out in the open,
But if he can't afford a car, he can't afford a car.
- Oh, you're one of those-- a woman without wonder.
- Not true. In fact, I'm wondering
How you manage to pay rent.
- Okay, could you two just move along?
I have another show in five minutes.
- That was a show?
Look, you can't do your little skits here.
- She doesn't mean to be negative.
- She's right. I was planning to be all positive
Till your doll raped her leg.
- Pierre is not a doll, okay? He is a marionette.
Hand-carved by me. And I don't do "skits," okay?
I received a national endowment for my work.
- What? The government pays for stuff like this,
And I can't get my back tooth fixed?
- Well, I, for one, really appreciate
The art of puppetry.
- I can tell you do, and... So can pierre.
You know, he doesn't just approach anybody.
- I'm caroline. This is max. And you are?
- My stage name is j. Petto.
- Oh, so cute. Geppetto, like pinocchio's father.
- No, it's "j," period, "petto."
Disney owns the rights to the name geppetto,
So once again, the poor, starving artist gets screwed!
- So sad. Can you move?
See, this is our cupcake shop,
And you're blocking the entrance.
- Uh, this is a public space,
And I know my rights.
Showtime!
[humming same romantic tune]
- I was trying to be nice,
But you are the rudest puppeteer I've ever met.
And I'm including shari lewis,
Who told my father to shove it on my fifth birthday!
Let's go, max.
- Hey...Doll man.
You don't want to mess with us.
I make one call to the cops,
They do a background check, and I'm pretty sure you'd go
From "j. Petto" to "j. Petto-phile."
- Miss, I dropped my david hasselhoff.
- Well, it's not the first time he's been on the floor.
- Hey, you can't talk to me like that.
I studied puppetry in paris at the palais--
Aah!
- Oh, my god, he slipped on david hasselhoff!
Are you okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm just a little embarrassed.
Oh, no, no. I landed on pierre!
Pierre?
- Here, have a seat.
Would either of you like a coffee or a free cupcake?
- No, I'm just gonna pack up and go. Thank you.
- Come back anytime for a free cupcake.
- But no need to bring your dolls.
- They're not dolls! I'm a man!
- It's crazy how many hipsters
Came into our shop today from our new flyers.
We ran completely out of all
The butterfinger buttafuocos, the joeys,
And even the mary jos, which I did not think would sell.
- I reworked the smashed nancy kerrigans
And called it the mary jo.
- Oh, girls, I'm so happy for you.
You know, I remember when my business
First started to take off.
The first thing I did was to buy the little village
That I grew up in
And then burn it to the ground!
I was just so angry
They wouldn't let me be a cheerleader.
- No, baby, that was the movie carrie.
You fell asleep watching it last night.
- Oh. Yeah, I gotta stop watching movies late at night.
Once, for a whole year,
I thought I framed roger rabbit.
[order bell dings]
- I'm looking for the owners of max's homemade cupcakes.
- Oh, that's me. Wow, word is really spreading.
How can I help you?
- You've been served.
- Max, I just got served.
- Did he go after your bangs? 'cause that's where I'd start.
- This is a lawsuit.
It says, "max's homemade cupcakes is being sued
"for injuries sustained in our shop by myron shales,
A.K.A. 'j. Petto.'"
Max, it's that puppet guy.
- He's suing us?
We should be suing him for gross...
I don't know what the legal words are
But just for being gross.
- We can't afford to be sued.
We can't even afford the lawyer on those bus ads
Who has a gavel in one hand and a chicken in the other.
- I hope everything was satisfactory.
Can I get you ladies anything else...
Like a strong work ethic?
- Han, it's not funny. We're being sued.
- Okay, let me see those.
I studied law in korea,
But I never made it through graduation.
I realized it wasn't my passion,
And I pulled out.
- Did they know it was in?
- Let's see...Uh-huh... Uh-huh.
Yeah, you're being sued.
- What law school did you go to, cal state-the-obvious?
- Did you graduate magna come rarely?
- I told you, I pulled out.
But don't worry, accidents like this happen
In stores all the time.
That's why all businesses have insurance.
- Well, not all businesses.
- How could you not have insurance?
You need to get protection.
And I'm not talking about condoms.
- We're not idiots, han.
We had the insurance discussion.
I was like, "max, we need insurance."
And she was like, "do we have any money?"
And I was like, "no." and she was like,
"what are the chances something will happen?"
And I was like, "a million to one."
And she was like, "I like those odds.
Let's go get gummi bears." and I was like, "okay."
But we'll talk about this at another time."
And here we are talking about it now.
Remember, we have no choice.
We have to get him to drop this lawsuit.
Okay, 3b, here. This is the puppet guy's apartment.
- You say puppet guy, I say serial killer.
You say apartment, I say the brightest dot
On the "megan's law" website.
- Max, that is not charming. Stay on message.
We're charming, we're sorry... - We're drunk. Well, I am.
How else do you think I'm gonna pull off charming?
Let's just get in and out of there.
That puppet creeped me out.
I don't want to have to see it again.
Oh, I am not drunk enough for this.
- I've never been drunk enough for this.
Is j. Petto home?
- I'm kind of surprised.
I did not think he'd have a girlfriend.
- Hello.
Well, I hope you enjoyed meeting yvette.
She plays the lute, you know.
- Oh, yes, she was very charming.
- And small. She must make your penis look huge.
- I'm sorry?
- Charming, max, charming.
Hi, we just stopped by to bring you some cupcakes.
We feel so bad about what happened.
Can we come in for a minute?
- Um, well, I wasn't expecting company,
But come in.
We're all just hangin' out.
- Oh, oh, this isn't weird. This isn't weird at all.
It's like we're in a dead body car wash.
- I had a nightmare that I had a nightmare like this once.
- Just so you know,
I'm not allowed to talk about the lawsuit.
- Well, I'm not allowed to talk
About how I really feel right now.
- Speaking of the lawsuit, you seem well--
You know, physically-- which is great,
Because the suit said you had a shattered arm
And a broken hip.
- Oh, yeah, I'm not suing you
For my shattered arm and hip.
It's-- it's for pierre's.
I crushed his little body when I fell.
He must have thrown himself under my body
To protect my fall.
- Dexter, party of one.
- I have to rotate his arm and hold it every 15 minutes
To get his full range of motion back.
That's what the sling's about. I know he's not alive.
- Do you?
- We're very sorry for his injury,
But this is absurd.
You can't sue us because your puppet broke.
- Yes, I can. This puppet is my livelihood,
And he's heavily insured.
- Great, the puppet has insurance, and we don't.
- Max! - What?
You don't have insurance?
You have a business but no insurance?
- Look, we can't go to court. It would wreck us.
Can we leave the lawyers out of this
And come up with a more creative solution?
I mean, you're clearly creative.
Look, you even made a skeleton king.
- That's not a skeleton king.
That's pazuzu, prince of darkness.
- Let me just put this out there
Because we should really move things along,
And also, I'm afraid.
How much is it gonna take to make this go away?
Do you want to take a second to consult
With one of your roommates?
I think I saw a lawyer doll.
- He is not a lawyer. He is a maitre d'.
And a damn good one!
You women just don't get it.
This is why I broke up with my toronto-based girlfriend
Over skype.
Right?
$1,000 by Monday.
But if she makes another comment
About my intricate, hand-carved marionettes being dolls...
[whistles] it goes up.
- Fine, $1,000 and no strings.
- Except for the ones on all-- - max, don't say it!
- Valley of the dolls, return to the valley of the dolls,
Chucky, bride of chucky, hello dolly, dollywood,
And the dalai lama!
Those are the things I was holding in.
Oh, wait-- doll and oates!
- Now what? How are we gonna get 1,000 extra dollars by Monday?
Wait, max, we can go to that bar
And exploit your special gifts.
- If I have to strip, I have to strip.
- Not that kind of bar, the hipster trivia bar.
- Can't I just strip?
At least I'd still have my dignity.
- It's all here. $1,000.
So that's it. No more lawsuit.
- Actually, that's not it.
As it turns out, we're gonna need 500 more.
- For what? Did your dues for the serial killer's union
And the pedophile guild come up at the same time this year?
- Pierre's in crisis!
But his psychiatrist could tell you more about that.
- If there's a psychiatrist in this apartment
Who hasn't locked him up, I don't trust his opinion.
- [in old man voice] I'm dr. Pangloss.
Pierre broke more than his hip in your cupcake shop.
He broke his spirit.
He lost his dream!
He no longer wants to perform.
- This is where he cuts us in half
And sews my top to your bottom.
On the plus side, we'd look amazing.
- [normal voice] yeah, well, you heard it.
Pierre's ready to give up his art,
And he needs a little more money.
- Forget it, puppet nuts. We don't have $500.
We don't have 500 anything.
- Well, think about it. [tea kettle whistling]
That's my tea kettle. Yvette!
Uhh! I'll do it.
- I'm not so sure the hostility is quite working,
So why don't you go wait in the hall?
And I'll try to talk some sense into him alone.
- You are the only person in the world
Who would insist on being alone with this man,
But okay.
- Please just listen. We are broke.
To get any more money, we'd have to strip.
- Well, gigi and lana started off as strippers,
And now they're in the folies bergere, so...
- You know, even for a middle-aged puppeteer,
You're a freak.
- See you in court!
- Nothing. He's gonna sue us,
And we have no other tricks up our sleeve.
- Well, maybe not my sleeve, but how about my coat?
- Pierre? - Right there.
- I'm sorry, we're not open today.
- I know you took him. Give me back pierre!
- We're not open.
We've had a terrible tragedy.
Well, not us, but a new friend of ours
Had a gruesome accident, and we are just devastated.
- You wouldn't be that cruel.
- Relax, I could never be that cruel.
But max could.
- Well, well, well.
Look who it is, pierre, your lover, j. Petto!
- He's not gay.
He had a girlfriend named lulu.
She was a--she was a courtesan in the court of a french king.
They broke up over a brief flirtation she had
With yvette.
And I know they're not alive!
- Now, what do you say we stick to the original no-strings deal?
'cause if you don't, max will show you
What "no strings" really means.
- Do it! Go! Bring it!
I can always re-string him. I'm a master of my craft.
- Yes, we thought you'd say that.
So you leave us no choice. Max...
- What? I--
I'm not changing my mind.
And I'm coming back with the police.
- Oh, I wouldn't get the cops involved...
Now that your boy here is in a...
Compromising situation!
- How dare you!
- And she does not like the feel of a condom!
- You two are sick!
- Hey, we don't judge.
We think whatever two consenting dolls,
Or maybe three consenting dolls do--
And it's gonna be bad
'cause he's a grower, not a shower.
- And once a few of these pics are posted online,
There goes your children's party business.
Now, call it quits, and you can delete these pics.
- Fine. Yes. Okay, you win. You win. You win.
- Oh, we're not falling for your word again.
If you want your doll back--
- For the last time, he is not a doll!
- Bring us a notarized letter saying
You release max's homemade cupcakes
Of all further legal action,
And we'll give you back pierre, perfectly intact.
- Minus his virginity, of course.
But don't worry, you'll still have yours.
- Okay, I'll be back as soon as I can.
Ugh, 30 years in the cutthroat world of puppets,
And I'm undone by two crazy cupcake bitches!
- Did you hear that? 30 years?
30 years of following his dream, and he's still broke?
Is that gonna be us, max?
Is our dream just as stupid as puppets?
Sorry, pierre, I forgot you were here.
- He's sound asleep.
Three-ways really take it out of you.
Here, dress her. She has to get a cab.
She'd rather sleep in her own bed.
And do you know why we're not gonna turn into him?
Because 30 years ago, when j. Petto said,
"I'm gonna be a puppeteer,"
He didn't have a best friend to tell him,
"you shouldn't do that. It's a stupid idea."
And unlike him, you have me to tell you
When it's a stupid idea.
And I have you to tell me not to mace myself,
No matter how bad I want to know how it feels.
- So the cupcake shop isn't a stupid idea?
- No. And it's actually starting to take off.
'cause no one embraces a stupid idea like a hipster.
- But, max, we do need insurance.
- But do we have the money? - No.
- What are the chances someone else is gonna fall?
- A million to one.
- I like those odds.
- You know, this is a really cute dress.
- [scoffs] forget the dress.
Look at his cute pants.
We really should give them to han.
[cash register bell dings]