- Girls, I have made a big decision.
- You're having a sex change?
I totally support you, but be careful, han.
Female to male is very tricky.
- Well, you would know.
- Me-ow!
He must have already started on the hormones.
- Now, here's my big decision.
We're moving from those icky glass ketchup bottles
To modern, new squeeze bottles.
- Wow, that is some fresh, outside-the-box thinking.
- It's like being an intern at apple during the summer of '76.
- That's right. Call me "han jobs."
- Oh, I will only call you "han jobs."
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
- I can't believe everybody else is gone,
And we're stuck here doing this.
Eew, this has a really toxic plastic smell.
- Give me that. [snorts]
- Max, are you huffing a ketchup bottle?
- Mm-hmm. I'm hoping it kills the brain cells
That'll remember I'm stuck
Doing ketchups on a Friday night.
[snorts] - max, give it to me!
Whether you believe it or not, you're above that.
And you know what? We're above this.
Forget this. Let's go out.
I mean, I'm newly single, and you're not picky.
- True.
- I'm ready to let my hair down
And have one of those crazy
Yet fiscally responsible kind of nights.
- You mean steal other girls' drinks
When they go to the bathroom?
- Seriously, what can you do in williamsburg
If you have less than $20?
- Hang out on the sidewalk and look good till you turn 35.
Then turn to your friends and say, "I have to move home."
Hey, you know what?
The raveonettes are playing the lorimer lounge.
We got a little tip money and lot of deez.
So let's just watch the magic unfold.
- I haven't seen the raveonettes live
Since I saw them in denmark.
- That is crazy because I first heard of them
When I was dry-humping a guy named mark in his den,
So...Twinsies!
- Wow, my life has really changed.
The last time I was in an alley behind a club,
I was in an suv with one of the olsen twins.
I still don't know which one.
- Hey, speaking of the olsen twins,
I once woke up next to a garden gnome.
- Well, so much for our plan.
Yes, we've still got "doze," but no tickets.
There's gotta be a way for us to get in.
[cowbell clattering]
- What up, ladies?
- Hi. Moo. Whatever.
- You need tickets?
- Well, bessie, we might be interested.
How much?
- You can have 'em for free if the blonde one milks me.
- How bad do you want those tickets, caroline?
- Ha, not that bad.
Bye. Moo. Whatever.
[cowbell clattering]
Sorry, max, but I can't come back
From pulling a strange man's teats.
- You think that, and then you do it, and it's not so bad.
- Wow, new york without money is like no magic.
- There's magic all over the city with or without money.
You just have to make your own.
By drinking.
- Oh. Purse beer.
- Sorry there's no purse nachos.
I ate them all.
Best I can do is, uh,
The cheese dust down near the birth control.
- Okay, this is ratchet.
We're just standing here like a couple of beckys.
Where's your magic now? - Oh, you wanna see magic?
Abracadabra. [thud]
Let me in, dumbos.
[kicking] abra-ca-damn-dabra!
- You know, I don't know what that trash bin said to you,
But you make a cute couple.
I think it'd be a shame to break up
Before you got to see what your kids would look like.
- Well, it's been a rough couple of years for us,
What with me considering grad school
And him being a trash can, but what can I say?
It's love. - I understand.
Americans love their garbage.
How else would you explain
The real housewives of everything?
- You're welcome for euro disney, by the way.
- My name's graham. I'm with the band.
- Max. I'm with the blonde.
- You two can come and hang backstage if you like.
Your boyfriend can stay outside and get trashed.
- Hey, ratchet-ass becky, we're in.
- Earl, I'm worried.
I haven't seen max since she left
With that guy last night.
I've called her a million times. She picked up once,
And she was either having sex or fighting a bear.
- Don't you worry. Max can take care of herself.
I once saw her push a truck out of her way with her mind.
- Hey, everybody.
Hey. Pardon.
Pardon my appearance,
But I was just in the park
Running after the high school boys' track team.
- I told her it was fine with me.
I know she will never catch one of them.
- Oh, says you.
I'm going to the prom with brandon.
Yeah, if his--if his dad will lend him the car.
- Sophie, I always love when you wear that outfit.
It makes me wanna xana-do you.
- 'sup?
Pip-pip and cheerio.
- Max, thank god. I was so worried.
Wait, why do you look extra pretty?
- Probably the new shades I didn't pay for.
Or the hours of him going downton on my abbey.
- Hold up. No spoilers.
I haven't started season three yet.
- Earl, you watch that show?
- Yes, I do.
I enjoy any show where the help is white.
- So you slept with that guy?
- Oh, I really slept with that guy.
- You go, girl.
Don't stop till you get enough!
- I'm surprised you spent the night.
Don't you usually leave before they realize
There's nothing in their wallet?
- Last night you were complaining about no magic.
Then I woke up this morning to a view of the park
And hot cinnamon rolls.
Now I'm back at the diner but full of cinnamon rolls.
Boom. Magic. Suck it, david blaine.
- Well, at least you had fun. The only fun I had last night
Was when that cow dude passed out on his feet,
And I tipped him over.
So are you gonna see him again?
- Sunday.
And I realize you haven't heard these words
Since you lost your money, but you're invited.
- So you're asking me to be the third wheel
On a two-night one-night stand?
- So I guess a private plane and two tickets
To the grammys in l.A. Won't do it for you either?
'cause, bitch, we're invited!
- The grammys? That's so exciting.
Oh, and my self-esteem could really use
Being mistaken for taylor swift right now.
Which tells you how low my self-esteem is.
- The guy is sending a private plane for me.
A private plane!
That's how good I am in bed.
- We're going to the grammys! - What is all of the excitement?
- Han, we need the weekend off. We're going to the grammys.
- The grammys? On the real-real?
Do you think you'll meet 2 chainz?
That's my boi!
- No, he can't be your boi, he's my boi.
- 2 chainz is the man. He sings my anthem.
- We represent the lollipop guild?
- I'm talking about his ode to big booty hos.
Birthday song is my song.
- No, birthday song is my song.
Every morning in the shower I rap
♪ all I want for my birthday is a big booty ho ♪
- Wow, that actually makes you look whiter.
- I'll give you the weekend off
If you get him to sign my concert t-shirt.
- Well, we're never gonna meet him, but done.
- All my dreams are coming true!
- This is so exciting.
I am finally going a plane ride.
- Max, you've never been on a plane?
- I've never been on a plane.
- Max, even snakes have been on a plane.
- Good morning, madame. Welcome aboard.
It's a lovely day for a flight, yes?
I am agnes, and if there is anything that you need at all,
You can just let me know. Hmm?
- Cool. Cool.
Please don't lag behind.
I just got french bombed, and I have no idea what she said,
But I think we should tip her.
- Oh, my god.
I can't believe... [kisses]
I'm back on a private plane.
Max, thank you so much for having sex with that stranger.
- Aw, it was my pleasure.
Literally. [both giggle]
- Welcome aboard, I am agnes.
I can take those for you.
Do you have luggage?
Oh.
- [introduction in french]
- [speaks french]
- Oh, thank you. I'm not angelina jolie.
I get that a lot.
- You speak french very well.
[speaks french]
- [speaks french]
"le french fry."
[both laugh]
- [french-sounding gibberish]
That's all I know.
And every time you ice me out with her,
That's what's coming your way.
Okay, so how does this work?
Do we need tickets? Where do I sit?
Because I don't wanna embarrass myself
In front of french stewart.
- Max, there are no seat assignments.
You can sit anywhere.
- Oh, cool. Like a.A.
- I love a g5.
This reminds me so much of the plane we used to have.
Wait, max, this plane looks very familiar.
Max, this was my plane.
- Well, it's my plane now.
- Wait, if this was my plane... - Which it isn't.
- There'd be something I hid down here for an emergency.
- Money? Gold? Kettle corn?
- Yep. My chanel lip gloss.
Abra-ca-damn-dabra.
- You were a billionaire,
And for an emergency, you hid lip gloss?
- Just in case something went wrong.
I wanted to look good if I was going down.
- You know they don't care what you look like
As long as you go down.
- What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm glossing like a rich gal.
This has gotta last me two years.
- Would you like a towel?
- How much?
- Max, they're free.
- Oh, like the doughnuts at a.A.
Jeez, that's hot!
You should warn a bitch.
- So sorry. It's her first time on a plane.
[speaks french]
- [speaks french]
- [french-sounding gibberish]
Every time.
- We only are waiting for one more passenger,
And then we'll be departing.
Champagne?
- Merci beaucoup.
- Ooh, the last time I had champagne
Was at a filipino wedding I crashed at a doubletree.
- Another passenger? I wonder who it could be.
- Probably my mother.
Every time something great is about to happen to me,
She shows up and ruins it.
- In 20 hours, we went from beer in an alley
To dom on a plane.
That's pretty magical.
- Yeah, this could not get any better.
- Max, it did just get better.
That's 2 chainz. I can't believe it.
- Good morning. How y'all doing?
- Cool. Cool.
- All right.
- Monsieur deux chainz, good morning.
Coffee, water, champagne?
- No, I'm really tired. I just wanna crash.
Not the plane.
Do you have any sleepy time tea?
- "sleepy time tea"?
That is so gangster!
[jet engines start] - oh, we're moving.
Max, buckle your seat belt. We're about to take off.
- I'm a little scared.
What's it gonna feel like?
Oh, that's it? That feels familiar.
Guess I have a private plane in my nightstand.
I can't believe this.
I'm standing in a flying living room eating ham.
- That's prosciutto from Italy.
- It's ham from right over there.
And I'm about to go ham on this ham.
- It's been two hours.
When is 2 chainz gonna wake up? I want a picture.
- You want him to wake up for a picture?
I'll handle that.
[chair clatters]
Anything?
- Nothing. Do it again.
[chair clatters]
- Wow, that sleepy time really knocks you out.
He must have two-bagged it.
- He's totally out. Let's just do it.
- Wait, we're just gonna take his picture,
Nothing else, right? - Yes.
- Okay, 'cause I can see how these things
Can get out of hand.
- Okay, I'm first. - No, no, no, I'm first.
It's my plane. - Well, actually it's my plane.
- Was your plane. It's mine now.
I had morning sex for it with a leg cramp.
[whispers] wait, do another, do another.
- Good one.
- [gasps and shrieks]
New facebook default.
In fact, this is my new default pic for everything
Including my tombstone.
- Since you did boobs, I'm gonna put my booty in his face,
'cause all he wants for his birthday is a big booty ho.
- Closer. I can't get both of you.
Get closer.
- I never get tired of waking up like this.
- Oh, mr. Chainz, I am so mortified.
I didn't wanna bother you. I was just gonna be cool.
- Oh, that ship sailed with the butt pic
And then crashed with "mr. Chainz."
- I just wanted a picture because I am such a huge fan.
And I wanted to wish you luck tonight at the grammys
Because your music means a lot to me.
And I totally related when you said
♪ when I die bury me inside the gucci store ♪
- True. - ♪ when I die
♪ bury me inside the louis store ♪
- Unh. - ♪ all I want for my birthday
Both: ♪ is a big booty ho
♪ all I want for my birthday is a big booty ho ♪
- Yeah.
- Hey, what's the party, players?
I heard "booty" and I heard "ho,"
So I had to do a pop-in.
- Always some weird white guy coming to crash a party.
- Chainz.
- Stop. No way.
I can't believe it's you flying this plane.
- Caroline, it's been so long since I've seen you.
Bring it in. - Oh, max, this is bill.
The pilot. - The pilot?
Why is he walking around?
Brace for crash! Brace for crash!
- It's okay, it's on autopilot.
- Autopilot. That's how I live my life.
- Pilot bill is an old pal.
He used to fly my friends and I around in college.
- Yeah, good times.
- This is my friend, max,
And it's her very first time on an airplane.
- Hey, mine too.
J.K.
Listen, max, why don't you take a stroll down there
And check out the cockpit?
- The cockpit?
If it's anything like the gay bar
On 14th street, I'm not dressed right.
- [laughs] it is so good to see you.
And, god, I'd forgotten how beautiful you are.
- Oh, thank you, pilot bill.
- You know, I never thought I had a chance with you before
Because you had so much money and I was 20 years older,
But now you're broke and I had a facelift,
So we're kinda on the same level.
- Oh, a facelift?
That's why your face is so tight and pink?
I thought maybe you were in a fire.
But you look good.
Sure, let's go out. - Great.
I'm gonna grab a coffee.
I'll be right back.
- What you doing going out with a guy like that?
- Well, here's the thing, 2.
You don't tell the pilot flying the plane you're on
That you don't wanna go out with him.
- Got you.
You just keep flirting with him until we land.
I gotta make it to the grammys.
- So, max, you've really never been on a plane before?
- Well, technically it's my second time
If you count rock-o-plane ride at the carnival.
Guess I was rockin' that plane too hard,
'cause halfway through the ride,
My mini-747 fell off its gears, and I crashed to the ground.
There would have been a lawsuit,
But the carnie paid me off with a snow cone,
And also no one cared about me as a child.
- Well, go ahead, put your hands on the wheel.
Give it a spin. - No, I'm good.
Wow, we are really up there.
I have never been this high.
And trust me, I have been high.
- Yeah, I hear that.
No one liked to get high more than me.
I did everything-- pills, weed, coke,
And what's that called when you crumble the coke on your weed?
Anyway, I loved to get high.
But that's all way behind me now.
I've been clean and sober
Ever since that denzel flight movie came out.
- It's still in the theaters.
- Yep, saw it last week.
- Maybe I will put my hands on the wheel.
You know, just in case.
[plane thumps and shakes] [alarm beeps]
It's the carnival ride all over again!
I broke the plane! I broke the plane!
- Okay, everything's under control.
Just sit down, sit down. Put your seat belt on.
And, uh, caroline, here's my cellular.
Of course, you can always still get me at my mom's, so--
[thud] - go save the plane!
- Yeah. Yeah.
- We'll be fine.
I was not meant to die as the second banana
In a cross-country booty call.
- [speaks french frantically]
- What did she say?
- I have no idea.
I heard "love" and "why now?" so just in case.
- I should tell you I took $10 out of the cupcake fund
For a big mac and never told you.
- I should tell you I took $100 out of the cupcake fund
To keep my hair this naturally blonde.
- Okay, everybody. We got a bit of a situation.
Looks like my new girlfriend's friend broke the plane.
No, I'm just kidding. We had some engine trouble.
We're going to have to make an emergency landing in kansas.
Go, chiefs!
- Hey, blondie.
Why don't you keep us in the air?
How about you go give the pilot a little love?
[hair dryer hums] - okay.
Okay, thank you.
Well, good news.
We're not stranded here.
I just got off the phone,
And according to my new boyfriend, captain facelift,
Your new boyfriend, the brit, is flying us home tomorrow
On a commercial flight. Coach.
- What?
I don't do coach.
And I am pretty positive 2 chainz would have taken us
On that other plane they sent if you hadn't rapped for 30 minutes
In that corn field after we landed.
- I don't care what you say.
I burned that corn field up.
Here, let's eat something.
They delivered the food.
Slim jims, cheez-its, pizza pringles,
And two ham and cheese sandwiches.
- Ham? Where's the prosciutto?
- There is none.
- Mais pourquoi?
- Because we're at a motel in kansas.
And the lady at the front desk called me a snob
For ordering the pizza pringles.
- I can't believe I'm not at the grammys,
And I'm stuck here eating a lousy vending machine sandwich.
- Well, it's better than doing those ketchups in the diner.
And crash-landing in a corn field with a rap star
With our heads still attached-- that's pretty magical, right?
- Yeah, and 2 chainz did say
He enjoyed meeting us and that we're two fine, big booty hos.
Both: That's pretty magical.
- Han's gonna be so jealous when he finds out
I met our boy.
Oh, my god, we forgot to get han's t-shirt signed.
- Or did we?
When you don't have enough money to fix your own mistakes,
You've gotta make your own magic.
- Max, it's 2 chainz with a "z" not an "s."
- Damn! The one time I know how to spell something,
And it comes back to bite me in the ass.
- Ooh, it's starting.
Ready to go to the grammys?
- Don't get any ham on the dress.
We have to return these to get our money back.
- You think beyonce's saying that right now?
Hey, if we can make our own magic,
We can make our own grammys. Announcer: The grammys...
- [joan rivers impression] max black, who are you wearing?
Who are you wearing? - My roommate's rent.
[both laugh]
You're right, this is pretty magical.
But wait, I think it can get better.
Announcer: Beyonce, faith hill, kelly clarkson,
Carrie underwood, mumford & sons, keith urban,
The black keys, jack white,
And look who's opening up the night--
Taylor swift. [bed vibrates]
- [laughs]
See?
Way more magical.
- You know, this kind of feels like the private plane.
- Yeah, the one I have in my nightstand.
[cash register bell dings]