1
00:00:02,445 --> 00:00:04,346
- Well, here it is.
My last tip.
2
00:00:04,348 --> 00:00:05,747
Only $2.
- [sighs]
3
00:00:05,749 --> 00:00:07,115
- And to think,
I held in a fart
4
00:00:07,117 --> 00:00:09,251
For those cheap bastards.
5
00:00:09,253 --> 00:00:10,952
- This night sucks.
6
00:00:10,954 --> 00:00:12,120
We don't even have enough
7
00:00:12,122 --> 00:00:13,722
To buy supplies
for tomorrow.
8
00:00:13,724 --> 00:00:14,956
We'll just have to go
to that store
9
00:00:14,958 --> 00:00:17,993
Where everything's free.
10
00:00:17,995 --> 00:00:20,996
Oh, good.
They're open.
11
00:00:20,998 --> 00:00:22,330
And we have to sneak
all this stuff out.
12
00:00:22,332 --> 00:00:24,266
Han's staying late
to do inventory.
13
00:00:24,268 --> 00:00:27,335
- Damn it, why does he always
have to be so asian?
14
00:00:27,337 --> 00:00:28,970
- Let's see, what do we need
for our cupcake shop?
15
00:00:28,972 --> 00:00:31,740
Eggs, sugar--
- a stripper pole?
16
00:00:31,742 --> 00:00:33,775
Do you want to make money
or not?
17
00:00:33,777 --> 00:00:35,577
- How are we gonna hide
these eggs?
18
00:00:35,579 --> 00:00:37,579
- You could put some of those
"grade a large"
19
00:00:37,581 --> 00:00:39,848
Where there's
"grade a itty-bitties."
20
00:00:39,850 --> 00:00:42,951
- Rude,
but I don't hate it.
21
00:00:42,953 --> 00:00:45,587
I can probably fit
four to six in each.
22
00:00:45,589 --> 00:00:47,089
- So positive!
23
00:00:47,091 --> 00:00:50,392
I love that you're a "cup's
half full" kind of person.
24
00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:56,364
So come here often?
25
00:00:56,366 --> 00:00:59,201
- This is my first time.
26
00:00:59,203 --> 00:01:02,003
- Well, you're very pretty.
- Oh, thank you.
27
00:01:02,005 --> 00:01:04,439
- Heads up.
Han's coming your way.
28
00:01:04,441 --> 00:01:06,074
Should I fake a stroke?
29
00:01:06,076 --> 00:01:08,810
And ps, if I don't get up
in three minutes,
30
00:01:08,812 --> 00:01:10,712
It's a real one.
31
00:01:10,714 --> 00:01:12,414
- No,
I'll deal with him.
32
00:01:12,416 --> 00:01:15,484
You keep going.
33
00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:21,556
- Keep it up,
and we'll finally have
34
00:01:21,558 --> 00:01:23,892
An answer to the question
"what comes first?
35
00:01:23,894 --> 00:01:26,962
The chicken or the oleg?"
36
00:01:29,031 --> 00:01:31,399
- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
37
00:01:31,401 --> 00:01:33,034
[cash register bell dings]
38
00:01:33,036 --> 00:01:38,106
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
39
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,278
- Here you go.
40
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,247
- I just found
the greatest thing online.
41
00:01:45,249 --> 00:01:46,948
- The ultrasound
of the kim and kanye baby
42
00:01:46,950 --> 00:01:48,550
Where someone photoshopped
a "666"
43
00:01:48,552 --> 00:01:51,353
On its little baby butt?
44
00:01:51,355 --> 00:01:53,188
Wait, this kid's
half kardashian.
45
00:01:53,190 --> 00:01:54,890
Its big baby butt.
46
00:01:54,892 --> 00:01:58,026
- Wow, that baby's already
famous for doing nothing...
47
00:01:58,028 --> 00:02:02,664
Just like its mom.
48
00:02:02,666 --> 00:02:04,032
No, what I found is a site
where we can apply
49
00:02:04,034 --> 00:02:05,433
For a small business grant.
50
00:02:05,435 --> 00:02:07,836
There's a couple of categories:
Women-owned business--
51
00:02:07,838 --> 00:02:09,304
- No thanks.
I've been to jail.
52
00:02:09,306 --> 00:02:12,274
I was already owned
by a woman.
53
00:02:12,276 --> 00:02:15,177
- There's also
a minority-owned category.
54
00:02:15,179 --> 00:02:16,178
You don't know
who your father is,
55
00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:17,312
And you do have
an exotic look.
56
00:02:17,314 --> 00:02:19,181
Any chance he could be
native american?
57
00:02:19,183 --> 00:02:20,916
- Yes, in fact,
I think his name
58
00:02:20,918 --> 00:02:23,151
Was chief running away.
59
00:02:23,153 --> 00:02:24,786
- Wait.
60
00:02:24,788 --> 00:02:26,588
Maybe we don't even
need your father.
61
00:02:26,590 --> 00:02:27,889
We are white,
62
00:02:27,891 --> 00:02:29,591
Which according to
the last presidential election,
63
00:02:29,593 --> 00:02:31,526
Is the new minority.
64
00:02:31,528 --> 00:02:34,563
So now all we need is
a letter of recommendation
65
00:02:34,565 --> 00:02:36,731
From someone who owns
another start-up business.
66
00:02:36,733 --> 00:02:38,200
I was thinking
of a recommendation
67
00:02:38,202 --> 00:02:40,001
From candy andy's
sweets and treats.
68
00:02:40,003 --> 00:02:42,070
I've already written it,
so he just has to sign it.
69
00:02:42,072 --> 00:02:45,073
Will you ask andy?
I can't, he's my ex.
70
00:02:45,075 --> 00:02:46,241
And I'm saving up my favor
71
00:02:46,243 --> 00:02:48,243
For a booty call
on a cold night.
72
00:02:48,245 --> 00:02:50,478
- I hate asking men
for things.
73
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:55,217
Favors, last names, to stop.
74
00:02:55,219 --> 00:02:58,053
- Excuse me, could I get
some more sweet'n low?
75
00:02:58,055 --> 00:02:59,120
- Why don't you look
in your purse?
76
00:02:59,122 --> 00:03:00,488
It's where I saw you
put them.
77
00:03:00,490 --> 00:03:02,023
- I'm so embarrassed.
78
00:03:02,025 --> 00:03:03,225
- Don't be.
79
00:03:03,227 --> 00:03:06,494
I wasn't when I stole them
last night.
80
00:03:06,496 --> 00:03:07,696
What did andy say?
81
00:03:07,698 --> 00:03:08,697
- He's gone.
82
00:03:08,699 --> 00:03:10,232
- For lunch?
- Forever.
83
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:13,301
The man is gone.
84
00:03:14,804 --> 00:03:16,771
- His store is empty.
85
00:03:16,773 --> 00:03:19,107
Oh, my god,
this is so sad.
86
00:03:19,109 --> 00:03:22,544
- I know.
There goes the candy.
87
00:03:22,546 --> 00:03:25,547
- And my booty call.
88
00:03:25,549 --> 00:03:29,317
He didn't even leave a note?
- Or a razzle?
89
00:03:29,319 --> 00:03:30,919
- Forget the candy.
90
00:03:30,921 --> 00:03:32,487
Are we not gonna talk about
the fact
91
00:03:32,489 --> 00:03:35,190
That my ex-boyfriend left
without so much as a peep?
92
00:03:35,192 --> 00:03:38,627
- Great.
Now I want peeps.
93
00:03:38,629 --> 00:03:39,728
- Hey, max.
94
00:03:39,730 --> 00:03:41,596
Is today the day
we're gonna get married?
95
00:03:41,598 --> 00:03:42,764
- Sure, amir.
96
00:03:42,766 --> 00:03:44,366
'cause my dream in life
is to be detained
97
00:03:44,368 --> 00:03:48,703
For four hours
on our honeymoon flight.
98
00:03:48,705 --> 00:03:51,573
- Max, you do know I was born
in this country, right?
99
00:03:51,575 --> 00:03:53,208
- You were born here?
How old are you?
100
00:03:53,210 --> 00:03:56,911
About zero dark thirty?
101
00:03:56,913 --> 00:04:00,482
- Yeah, you were born
in a walmart, right?
102
00:04:00,484 --> 00:04:02,350
- Where do you think
the expression
103
00:04:02,352 --> 00:04:05,320
"clean up on aisle 12"
comes from?
104
00:04:05,322 --> 00:04:06,588
- Hey, caroline,
105
00:04:06,590 --> 00:04:08,056
You bummed you drove
your boyfriend out of town?
106
00:04:08,058 --> 00:04:10,292
- For the record,
I did not chase andy away.
107
00:04:10,294 --> 00:04:12,127
We ended
our relationship well.
108
00:04:12,129 --> 00:04:14,129
- Right, that's why
I helped him move out
109
00:04:14,131 --> 00:04:15,430
In the middle
of the night.
110
00:04:15,432 --> 00:04:18,333
Man, you messed that up.
So self-involved.
111
00:04:18,335 --> 00:04:21,069
- Wow.
Coming in a little hot, amir.
112
00:04:21,071 --> 00:04:22,504
- Yeah, guns ablazin'.
113
00:04:22,506 --> 00:04:25,473
If I was allowed
to carry them.
114
00:04:25,475 --> 00:04:28,643
- Oh, amir.
You're the bomb.
115
00:04:28,645 --> 00:04:30,011
- Look at us.
116
00:04:30,013 --> 00:04:32,947
We're like homeland,
if it was a rom-com.
117
00:04:37,453 --> 00:04:38,753
- You don't have to read it,
han.
118
00:04:38,755 --> 00:04:40,388
It's just a standard letter
of recommendation.
119
00:04:40,390 --> 00:04:42,424
- Don't be a bitch.
Just sign it.
120
00:04:42,426 --> 00:04:44,993
- I'm not comfortable
putting my name
121
00:04:44,995 --> 00:04:46,661
On a document
I haven't read.
122
00:04:46,663 --> 00:04:48,196
- I understand,
but don't be a bitch.
123
00:04:48,198 --> 00:04:49,898
Just sign it.
124
00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:52,267
- "max's homemade cupcakes is
125
00:04:52,269 --> 00:04:54,836
An up-and-coming
powerhouse business."
126
00:04:54,838 --> 00:04:56,471
I can't sign this.
127
00:04:56,473 --> 00:05:00,141
This has more lies
than my okcupid profile.
128
00:05:00,143 --> 00:05:03,778
- Don't be a bitch.
Just sign it.
129
00:05:03,780 --> 00:05:05,747
That one's on me, girls.
130
00:05:05,749 --> 00:05:09,317
- If I sign this, it's lying.
I could get deported.
131
00:05:09,319 --> 00:05:13,188
And I'm one home inspection away
from a poodle adoption.
132
00:05:13,190 --> 00:05:17,592
- A poodle? That's cool.
You can share sweaters.
133
00:05:17,594 --> 00:05:18,593
Hurry up, bitch.
134
00:05:18,595 --> 00:05:20,595
The deadline
to mail that is tonight.
135
00:05:20,597 --> 00:05:23,098
- Well, if you just wanted
to steamroll someone,
136
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,433
Why didn't you get your
boyfriend, andy, to sign it?
137
00:05:25,435 --> 00:05:26,468
- They split.
138
00:05:26,470 --> 00:05:27,936
He left last night
without a peep.
139
00:05:27,938 --> 00:05:31,706
Damn it, now I'm thinking
about those peeps again.
140
00:05:31,708 --> 00:05:33,942
- Oh, I was worried
you two wouldn't make it.
141
00:05:33,944 --> 00:05:36,177
You always have your mind
on business,
142
00:05:36,179 --> 00:05:38,480
And andy was such
an easy spirit.
143
00:05:38,482 --> 00:05:40,382
- I think you mean
"free spirit."
144
00:05:40,384 --> 00:05:42,283
Easy spirit is a shoe
worn by people
145
00:05:42,285 --> 00:05:44,486
Whose spirits have died.
146
00:05:44,488 --> 00:05:46,321
I have two pairs.
147
00:05:46,323 --> 00:05:47,589
- Okay, fine.
Give it back.
148
00:05:47,591 --> 00:05:49,391
I'll find someone else
with a business.
149
00:05:49,393 --> 00:05:52,394
- What about sophie?
She owns a small business,
150
00:05:52,396 --> 00:05:53,595
And she loves to give,
151
00:05:53,597 --> 00:05:57,031
Not as much as she
loves to receive.
152
00:05:57,033 --> 00:05:59,501
- I'm not so sure
sophie's cleaning business
153
00:05:59,503 --> 00:06:01,336
Is totally, well, legal.
154
00:06:01,338 --> 00:06:02,470
I mean,
when we worked for her,
155
00:06:02,472 --> 00:06:03,838
On the memo line
of our paycheck,
156
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:06,107
She wrote "colonoscopy."
157
00:06:06,109 --> 00:06:08,676
- And for the record,
sophie's cleaning business
158
00:06:08,678 --> 00:06:10,278
Is totally legit.
159
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:13,982
Her organ-trading
might not be.
160
00:06:13,984 --> 00:06:15,717
- Forget it, caroline.
161
00:06:15,719 --> 00:06:17,552
We might deport you
ourselves.
162
00:06:17,554 --> 00:06:21,122
All we need is a fedex box.
163
00:06:21,124 --> 00:06:24,325
- Um, caroline.
Come over here.
164
00:06:24,327 --> 00:06:25,960
I think I can help you
with that.
165
00:06:25,962 --> 00:06:28,163
- Thanks, earl, but you
don't have a small business.
166
00:06:28,165 --> 00:06:33,234
- The size of my business
has never been in question.
167
00:06:35,471 --> 00:06:37,639
And I may not
have a business,
168
00:06:37,641 --> 00:06:40,141
But...
169
00:06:40,143 --> 00:06:44,012
Han lee does.
170
00:06:44,014 --> 00:06:47,048
- Max, look.
Earl forged han's signature.
171
00:06:47,050 --> 00:06:48,917
- That's what his signature
looks like.
172
00:06:48,919 --> 00:06:50,485
When I forge it,
I just draw a picture
173
00:06:50,487 --> 00:06:53,822
Of hello kitty.
174
00:06:56,492 --> 00:06:58,626
[knocking on glass]
175
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,732
- You want to know
your future?
176
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:06,634
- Oh.
No, no thanks.
177
00:07:06,636 --> 00:07:07,669
- You sure?
178
00:07:07,671 --> 00:07:10,538
I have a message
about your love life.
179
00:07:10,540 --> 00:07:12,607
$10.
180
00:07:19,849 --> 00:07:23,218
[knock on door]
- are you asleep?
181
00:07:23,220 --> 00:07:26,020
Max?
Max, I really need to talk.
182
00:07:26,022 --> 00:07:27,222
[knocking on door]
183
00:07:27,224 --> 00:07:29,724
- Oh, just come in
and get it over with.
184
00:07:29,726 --> 00:07:32,460
Everybody else does.
185
00:07:32,462 --> 00:07:35,096
- Max, I'm sorry,
but I really need to talk.
186
00:07:35,098 --> 00:07:36,931
I went to the fortune teller
near the diner,
187
00:07:36,933 --> 00:07:39,300
And she told me that
I'd never find love in my life.
188
00:07:39,302 --> 00:07:41,336
- Fortune-telling's a scam.
189
00:07:41,338 --> 00:07:43,905
"you'll never find a man,
your moon's in uranus,
190
00:07:43,907 --> 00:07:45,573
No man will ever be
in uranus."
191
00:07:45,575 --> 00:07:48,009
I could've told you that
the second day I met you.
192
00:07:48,011 --> 00:07:50,078
- Please, max,
just listen for five minutes.
193
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:51,679
Come over here.
I'll make you some tea.
194
00:07:51,681 --> 00:07:54,249
- Tea?
Who am I, pippa middleton?
195
00:07:54,251 --> 00:07:57,519
Toast me an eggo waffle
and maybe I'm listening.
196
00:07:57,521 --> 00:07:58,820
- Well, we were
saving that waffle
197
00:07:58,822 --> 00:08:01,122
For a special occasion,
but okay.
198
00:08:01,124 --> 00:08:05,360
Chestnut, we're eating
your birthday waffle now.
199
00:08:05,362 --> 00:08:07,028
I don't know
why I'm pissing him off.
200
00:08:07,030 --> 00:08:09,430
He's gonna be the only man
in my life.
201
00:08:09,432 --> 00:08:13,067
- I can't believe you blew $10
on a psychic.
202
00:08:13,069 --> 00:08:15,036
Why didn't you just buy
a skinnygirl margarita
203
00:08:15,038 --> 00:08:17,739
Like all
the other lonely white chicks?
204
00:08:17,741 --> 00:08:19,541
- I spent $50.
205
00:08:19,543 --> 00:08:22,544
I bought a crystal
that protects me from bad juju.
206
00:08:22,546 --> 00:08:26,281
- Hey! There's no reason
to get anti-semitic.
207
00:08:26,283 --> 00:08:29,117
You spent money on crystal
you can't snort?
208
00:08:29,119 --> 00:08:31,152
What is wrong with you?
209
00:08:31,154 --> 00:08:34,022
- I freaked out.
I didn't want it to be true.
210
00:08:34,024 --> 00:08:36,558
Is it true, max?
Am I never gonna find love?
211
00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:37,992
Was andy my one chance?
212
00:08:37,994 --> 00:08:39,327
Did I screw it up
because I wanted success?
213
00:08:39,329 --> 00:08:40,762
Was everyone right?
214
00:08:40,764 --> 00:08:44,832
- That is a lot of questions
for one waffle.
215
00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:46,634
And where is that waffle?
[smacks counter]
216
00:08:46,636 --> 00:08:48,136
You're a bad waitress
at home too.
217
00:08:48,138 --> 00:08:50,838
[knock on door]
- who could that be?
218
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,107
- I don't know.
Let me consult the spirits.
219
00:08:53,109 --> 00:08:55,743
[mockingly]
who is it?
220
00:08:55,745 --> 00:08:58,513
- It's sophie.
221
00:08:58,515 --> 00:09:00,982
Yeah, it's me,
222
00:09:00,984 --> 00:09:04,786
The shady lady
with the illegal business.
223
00:09:04,788 --> 00:09:07,455
Yeah, and caroline,
you owe me an apology
224
00:09:07,457 --> 00:09:08,790
Or I will take out
these hoops,
225
00:09:08,792 --> 00:09:13,161
And we will get into it,
girl.
226
00:09:13,163 --> 00:09:14,262
Yeah, and I warn you,
227
00:09:14,264 --> 00:09:17,799
I did some extreme fighting
in warsaw.
228
00:09:17,801 --> 00:09:19,801
- Extreme fighting?
That's awesome.
229
00:09:19,803 --> 00:09:21,669
- Yeah, they would throw
230
00:09:21,671 --> 00:09:23,171
A big hunk of cheese
in a trough
231
00:09:23,173 --> 00:09:27,742
And let all the village girls
just go at it.
232
00:09:27,744 --> 00:09:28,977
- Sorry, sophie.
233
00:09:28,979 --> 00:09:30,678
It just seemed like
a better business decision
234
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,280
To go with the forgery.
235
00:09:32,282 --> 00:09:34,248
- What is that?
236
00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:36,985
[gasps]
is that a waffle?
237
00:09:36,987 --> 00:09:41,723
[laughs] okay!
You are forgiven.
238
00:09:41,725 --> 00:09:44,025
- Damn it.
I didn't even get a bite.
239
00:09:44,027 --> 00:09:45,927
I'm awake and sober
for nothing.
240
00:09:45,929 --> 00:09:48,529
- Sophie, do you believe
in psychics?
241
00:09:48,531 --> 00:09:51,232
- Oh, no.
That's all fake.
242
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:53,401
You know, I knew a family
of gypsy psychics
243
00:09:53,403 --> 00:09:55,370
Who couldn't even predict
that they would all die
244
00:09:55,372 --> 00:09:57,605
In a barn fire.
245
00:09:57,607 --> 00:10:00,308
- Hey, girls.
Sorry to interrupt,
246
00:10:00,310 --> 00:10:03,444
But sophie promised
to rub antifungal cream
247
00:10:03,446 --> 00:10:06,014
On my thick,
yellow toenails.
248
00:10:06,016 --> 00:10:07,615
- [mouth full]
oleg, come over here.
249
00:10:07,617 --> 00:10:11,185
I'll do it in between bites.
250
00:10:11,187 --> 00:10:13,921
- This is what you're afraid
you're missing?
251
00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:16,090
Because
this is a relationship.
252
00:10:16,092 --> 00:10:18,726
- Seriously, max.
That's something I really want.
253
00:10:18,728 --> 00:10:21,429
And now
I'm never gonna have it.
254
00:10:21,431 --> 00:10:24,599
- Get in there, baby.
I have two feet.
255
00:10:26,135 --> 00:10:27,635
[bell chimes]
256
00:10:27,637 --> 00:10:28,736
- Interesting.
257
00:10:28,738 --> 00:10:31,205
She's a psychic,
but she needs a bell
258
00:10:31,207 --> 00:10:33,541
To tell her someone's here.
[door closes]
259
00:10:33,543 --> 00:10:35,877
- Max, please
don't make me do this.
260
00:10:35,879 --> 00:10:38,046
I don't want to hear
any more bad things.
261
00:10:38,048 --> 00:10:39,914
- Nothing bad's gonna happen.
262
00:10:39,916 --> 00:10:41,249
She's gonna tell you
you have
263
00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:43,084
A bright, love-filled future
264
00:10:43,086 --> 00:10:46,254
Or I'm gonna kick her
in the crystal balls.
265
00:10:46,256 --> 00:10:47,689
- Hello, girls.
266
00:10:47,691 --> 00:10:49,824
I'll tell you your future
as soon as I finish eating.
267
00:10:49,826 --> 00:10:51,225
It'll only take a minute.
268
00:10:51,227 --> 00:10:54,562
Since I quit smoking,
I eat like a prisoner.
269
00:10:54,564 --> 00:10:58,332
Come, sit, ruminate
on your wishes and dreams.
270
00:10:58,334 --> 00:11:02,170
- Well, my wish is that you give
my friend her money back,
271
00:11:02,172 --> 00:11:04,305
And my dream is
that I'm a backup dancer
272
00:11:04,307 --> 00:11:06,574
For missy elliott.
273
00:11:06,576 --> 00:11:09,811
- Great. A wise-ass.
274
00:11:09,813 --> 00:11:11,913
Do you want to know
your future or not?
275
00:11:11,915 --> 00:11:13,715
- Um, you already told me
my future.
276
00:11:13,717 --> 00:11:14,716
That's why we're here.
277
00:11:14,718 --> 00:11:16,417
You said
I'd never find love.
278
00:11:16,419 --> 00:11:18,720
- When did I say that?
279
00:11:18,722 --> 00:11:21,889
And you, tough guy, don't say,
"well, you're the psychic."
280
00:11:21,891 --> 00:11:24,759
- Maybe she is a psychic,
because I am a tough guy
281
00:11:24,761 --> 00:11:27,428
And I was gonna say that.
282
00:11:27,430 --> 00:11:28,830
- You know,
it's hard to remember.
283
00:11:28,832 --> 00:11:31,065
I see a lot
of sad, single girls.
284
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,400
But looking at you
right now,
285
00:11:32,402 --> 00:11:34,669
It makes sense.
286
00:11:34,671 --> 00:11:37,405
- And here.
Take your phony crystal back.
287
00:11:37,407 --> 00:11:39,440
And I'm not so sure
this is a real crystal.
288
00:11:39,442 --> 00:11:43,044
It looks like one of
those vegan deodorant things.
289
00:11:43,046 --> 00:11:45,012
And we want our money.
290
00:11:45,014 --> 00:11:47,381
- [hisses]
291
00:11:47,383 --> 00:11:51,519
- Oh, okay.
What just happened?
292
00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:53,988
- I put a curse on you.
293
00:11:53,990 --> 00:11:56,691
- Max, you said nothing bad
was gonna happen!
294
00:11:56,693 --> 00:12:00,328
- Well, I'm not a psychic,
and neither is she.
295
00:12:00,330 --> 00:12:02,663
- Laugh, buster.
296
00:12:02,665 --> 00:12:04,699
Nothing in life
will go your way,
297
00:12:04,701 --> 00:12:06,868
And you will live
under a dark cloud.
298
00:12:06,870 --> 00:12:09,670
- [scoffs]
will this dark cloud merge
299
00:12:09,672 --> 00:12:11,539
With the current dark cloud
above me
300
00:12:11,541 --> 00:12:14,142
Or fly alongside of it?
301
00:12:14,144 --> 00:12:16,377
- Look, we don't want
to trouble you,
302
00:12:16,379 --> 00:12:18,012
But if you could
remove the curse
303
00:12:18,014 --> 00:12:21,182
And possibly that noodle
on your blouse...
304
00:12:21,184 --> 00:12:23,251
- [hisses]
305
00:12:24,753 --> 00:12:26,854
- Oh, no.
Did you just--
306
00:12:26,856 --> 00:12:28,489
- Cursed you too.
307
00:12:28,491 --> 00:12:32,026
- Tell you what.
I'll lift both curses for 50,
308
00:12:32,028 --> 00:12:34,829
Or else your whole life
will come crashing down
309
00:12:34,831 --> 00:12:36,497
All around you.
310
00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:40,368
- The only way I'm giving
a strange woman 50 bucks
311
00:12:40,370 --> 00:12:44,906
Is if I'm walking out of here
with a genital piercing.
312
00:12:44,908 --> 00:12:47,975
- I do that as well.
313
00:12:49,545 --> 00:12:50,812
[bell chimes]
314
00:12:50,814 --> 00:12:53,581
- Don't believe in curses,
never have.
315
00:12:53,583 --> 00:12:55,583
Not since jennifer martin
told me I was going to hell
316
00:12:55,585 --> 00:12:56,984
For sleeping
with her boyfriend.
317
00:12:56,986 --> 00:12:58,252
But I didn't.
318
00:12:58,254 --> 00:12:59,887
I just ended up going
to homecoming with him.
319
00:12:59,889 --> 00:13:01,923
- Max, we have to go back
and pay her.
320
00:13:01,925 --> 00:13:03,324
Our lives are hard enough.
321
00:13:03,326 --> 00:13:05,726
We don't need things to come
crashing down around us.
322
00:13:05,728 --> 00:13:09,463
- Relax. Nothing's coming
crashing down around us.
323
00:13:09,465 --> 00:13:12,366
- Don't jump, paul!
Paul, don't jump!
324
00:13:12,368 --> 00:13:13,568
- Paul? Who's paul?
325
00:13:13,570 --> 00:13:14,869
Oh.
326
00:13:14,871 --> 00:13:16,838
And what is he doing
on the roof?
327
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,340
[thud]
- [screams]
328
00:13:19,342 --> 00:13:20,908
Okay.
329
00:13:20,910 --> 00:13:23,811
That was paul's life
that came crashing down,
330
00:13:23,813 --> 00:13:25,880
Not ours.
331
00:13:30,152 --> 00:13:31,152
- Max, I think
we all know that
332
00:13:31,154 --> 00:13:32,653
I'm a highly educated woman
333
00:13:32,655 --> 00:13:34,188
Who doesn't really believe
in curses,
334
00:13:34,190 --> 00:13:36,090
But I am putting every penny
we make tonight
335
00:13:36,092 --> 00:13:37,458
In the "lift the curse"
fund.
336
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:39,961
- And I'm gonna tell you
one more time,
337
00:13:39,963 --> 00:13:42,029
We're not spending
another 50 bucks
338
00:13:42,031 --> 00:13:43,264
On some stupid curse.
339
00:13:43,266 --> 00:13:47,201
- A body fell from the sky!
340
00:13:47,203 --> 00:13:49,971
- Paul got a bad batch
of shrooms.
341
00:13:49,973 --> 00:13:51,606
It had nothing to do
with the curse.
342
00:13:51,608 --> 00:13:54,075
Everyone knows
you don't take psychedelics
343
00:13:54,077 --> 00:13:56,844
Above the second floor.
344
00:13:56,846 --> 00:13:59,013
Poor amateur bastard.
345
00:13:59,015 --> 00:14:02,183
And we need our money
for essentials, like food
346
00:14:02,185 --> 00:14:05,519
And the penguin statue
I saw at the dollar store.
347
00:14:05,521 --> 00:14:08,923
The one that says
"chill out."
348
00:14:08,925 --> 00:14:10,591
So chill out.
349
00:14:10,593 --> 00:14:13,327
- Caroline,
I feel bad
350
00:14:13,329 --> 00:14:15,796
About not signing your letter
of recommendation.
351
00:14:15,798 --> 00:14:17,832
So I wrote one myself
and signed it.
352
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:19,400
Here.
353
00:14:19,402 --> 00:14:21,168
- That's so nice of you.
354
00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:24,171
"the extremely hardworking
caroline channing,
355
00:14:24,173 --> 00:14:25,640
"who has devoted her life
to business
356
00:14:25,642 --> 00:14:28,476
And nothing
and no one else."
357
00:14:28,478 --> 00:14:31,312
Han, this is supposed
to be about getting a loan,
358
00:14:31,314 --> 00:14:32,914
Not being alone.
359
00:14:32,916 --> 00:14:35,750
- I totally get it, girl.
I'm alone as well.
360
00:14:35,752 --> 00:14:38,853
We have our eyes on the prize,
so our beds are empty.
361
00:14:38,855 --> 00:14:43,224
But occasionally,
I pay for it.
362
00:14:47,462 --> 00:14:49,697
- Did han just intimate
363
00:14:49,699 --> 00:14:53,367
That he occasionally
gets a hooker?
364
00:14:53,369 --> 00:14:56,103
Lucky bastard.
365
00:14:56,105 --> 00:15:01,475
He probably gets
a child's discount.
366
00:15:01,477 --> 00:15:04,912
- Max, look.
The future's already happening.
367
00:15:04,914 --> 00:15:06,681
Even in han's letter,
I'm alone.
368
00:15:06,683 --> 00:15:08,516
The only chance for
a love life I have now
369
00:15:08,518 --> 00:15:10,751
Is going halfsies on a hooker
with han.
370
00:15:10,753 --> 00:15:13,220
We have to reverse
the curse now.
371
00:15:13,222 --> 00:15:16,190
- News flash:
Everybody is cursed.
372
00:15:16,192 --> 00:15:18,326
You lost your money
last year.
373
00:15:18,328 --> 00:15:22,096
Literally nothing good
has ever happened to me.
374
00:15:22,098 --> 00:15:24,465
Han hasn't grown
since the fourth grade.
375
00:15:24,467 --> 00:15:29,503
Oleg's toenails
look like fritos.
376
00:15:29,505 --> 00:15:33,207
And earl was born black at
the eighth- or ninth-worst time
377
00:15:33,209 --> 00:15:35,977
To be a black man
in america.
378
00:15:35,979 --> 00:15:39,547
Look around,
it's the valley of the damned.
379
00:15:39,549 --> 00:15:42,083
Name one person
who isn't cursed.
380
00:15:42,085 --> 00:15:43,384
- Hey, guys!
381
00:15:43,386 --> 00:15:46,454
I just found a $100 bill
on the sidewalk!
382
00:15:46,456 --> 00:15:48,789
Drinks for everyone!
383
00:15:48,791 --> 00:15:51,425
Max,
pop open the fancy brandy.
384
00:15:51,427 --> 00:15:53,761
- "fancy brandy"
is gonna be my stripper name
385
00:15:53,763 --> 00:15:56,464
If you ever let me
put in that pole.
386
00:15:56,466 --> 00:15:57,598
- Sophie, guess what?
387
00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,400
We went back to that psychic
to complain,
388
00:15:59,402 --> 00:16:01,168
And she put a curse on us.
389
00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:06,640
- Oh.
You're cursed?
390
00:16:06,642 --> 00:16:11,078
Uh...
391
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:15,549
[groaning]
392
00:16:15,551 --> 00:16:18,586
- But it's stupid,
like you said, right?
393
00:16:18,588 --> 00:16:22,223
- Yeah, yeah.
That's stupid.
394
00:16:22,225 --> 00:16:23,924
Yeah.
395
00:16:23,926 --> 00:16:27,628
Did she mention me?
396
00:16:27,630 --> 00:16:29,296
- No.
397
00:16:29,298 --> 00:16:31,365
She just cursed us
and said
398
00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:34,402
Our whole lives would
come crashing down around us.
399
00:16:34,404 --> 00:16:36,303
[shelf crashes]
400
00:16:36,305 --> 00:16:41,375
- [screaming]
401
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:46,680
- And 30, 40, 50.
402
00:16:46,682 --> 00:16:50,584
[hisses]
the curse is lifted.
403
00:16:50,586 --> 00:16:53,020
- Oh, I don't think you got me.
What about my curse?
404
00:16:53,022 --> 00:16:55,056
- [hisses]
405
00:16:55,058 --> 00:16:57,158
- Talk about phoning it in.
406
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,293
Couldn't you wave a feather
or spin your head
407
00:16:59,295 --> 00:17:01,095
Or throw up
or something?
408
00:17:01,097 --> 00:17:04,298
- That's extra.
409
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:06,333
You know what?
I'm in a good mood tonight.
410
00:17:06,335 --> 00:17:08,969
I got through the whole day
on 15 cigarettes
411
00:17:08,971 --> 00:17:10,237
And one sheet cake.
412
00:17:10,239 --> 00:17:13,874
I'm gonna give tough guy
a free reading here.
413
00:17:13,876 --> 00:17:17,311
- Oh, free, as in the $50
you just shook us down for?
414
00:17:17,313 --> 00:17:21,215
- [laughs, coughs]
415
00:17:21,217 --> 00:17:25,286
Should never have quit.
Okay.
416
00:17:25,288 --> 00:17:26,921
Future coming right at you.
417
00:17:26,923 --> 00:17:29,590
I see that you will
have a happy life.
418
00:17:29,592 --> 00:17:31,459
- [scoffs]
me, happy?
419
00:17:31,461 --> 00:17:33,461
All right, get your hat,
mother. We're leaving.
420
00:17:33,463 --> 00:17:37,565
- And I see a large sum of money
coming your way.
421
00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:38,999
Over $10,000.
422
00:17:39,001 --> 00:17:40,968
- Max, it's the grant.
423
00:17:40,970 --> 00:17:43,137
We applied for $12,000.
Is that it?
424
00:17:43,139 --> 00:17:45,940
- Sure.
- [gasps]
425
00:17:45,942 --> 00:17:48,776
- And in spite
of your bad childhood...
426
00:17:48,778 --> 00:17:50,411
- [gasps] she knew
you had a bad childhood.
427
00:17:50,413 --> 00:17:52,580
- Come on,
every childhood is bad.
428
00:17:52,582 --> 00:17:54,148
You're stupid.
You can't reach stuff.
429
00:17:54,150 --> 00:17:56,550
It's rough.
430
00:17:56,552 --> 00:17:57,918
- In spite of it,
431
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:02,123
I see great love and children
in your future.
432
00:18:02,125 --> 00:18:03,591
- Max.
433
00:18:03,593 --> 00:18:05,493
- Me? [laughs]
no, wait.
434
00:18:05,495 --> 00:18:06,827
You must be picking up
on her vibes.
435
00:18:06,829 --> 00:18:07,928
Check again.
436
00:18:07,930 --> 00:18:11,599
- No, great love
and children
437
00:18:11,601 --> 00:18:15,336
Will be part of your future.
438
00:18:15,338 --> 00:18:18,639
She will die alone.
439
00:18:18,641 --> 00:18:20,474
- Okay, well,
that's all I can take.
440
00:18:20,476 --> 00:18:22,610
I'm not gonna sit here and wait
for the other paul to fall.
441
00:18:22,612 --> 00:18:24,111
Let's go, max.
- No, no, no, no.
442
00:18:24,113 --> 00:18:25,312
No, no. Wait.
443
00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:29,884
She obviously got it wrong.
Didn't you?
444
00:18:29,886 --> 00:18:32,920
- Nope.
Still dying alone...
445
00:18:32,922 --> 00:18:35,623
With nothing
but her great success.
446
00:18:35,625 --> 00:18:37,458
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What?
447
00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:40,127
- I see great success
in your future.
448
00:18:40,129 --> 00:18:42,630
- You do?
Oh, thank god.
449
00:18:42,632 --> 00:18:45,466
I'm gonna have success?
How big a success?
450
00:18:45,468 --> 00:18:46,634
- Oh, honey, it's so big,
451
00:18:46,636 --> 00:18:49,870
You won't even know
you're alone.
452
00:18:53,742 --> 00:18:54,942
- All right, go.
453
00:18:54,944 --> 00:18:58,179
May you live
a long and healthy life.
454
00:18:58,181 --> 00:18:59,947
And put on your hat
and gloves.
455
00:18:59,949 --> 00:19:04,018
I'm predicting snow.
[coughs]
456
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,056
- It's not going to snow.
457
00:19:09,058 --> 00:19:11,892
At most, it's gonna rain
30-year-old dudes.
458
00:19:11,894 --> 00:19:13,928
Maybe she isn't so psychic.
459
00:19:13,930 --> 00:19:15,563
- Stop fighting it, max.
460
00:19:15,565 --> 00:19:16,964
You're gonna find love
and be happy,
461
00:19:16,966 --> 00:19:18,999
And I'm gonna be successful.
462
00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:20,100
You hear that, new york?
463
00:19:20,102 --> 00:19:24,505
I'm gonna be
successful and alone!
464
00:19:24,507 --> 00:19:27,441
- And robbed and raped
if you keep calling that out.
465
00:19:27,443 --> 00:19:29,043
- And it all started
when I dropped
466
00:19:29,045 --> 00:19:31,145
That grant application
into that mailbox
467
00:19:31,147 --> 00:19:33,380
That those guys are unbolting
and taking away.
468
00:19:33,382 --> 00:19:34,848
What's going on?
469
00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:36,884
- It's called emails.
470
00:19:36,886 --> 00:19:39,386
We're getting rid of this.
No one mails anything anymore.
471
00:19:39,388 --> 00:19:41,555
- Yes, they do.
I did yesterday.
472
00:19:41,557 --> 00:19:43,924
And our $12,000 depends on it.
473
00:19:43,926 --> 00:19:45,192
- Sorry, doll.
474
00:19:45,194 --> 00:19:46,961
This box has been
out of commission for a week.
475
00:19:46,963 --> 00:19:49,063
- According to a psychic,
her box is gonna be
476
00:19:49,065 --> 00:19:50,998
Out of commission forever.
477
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,166
We had to tell him.
478
00:19:52,168 --> 00:19:55,202
You expect me to lie
to a city employee?
479
00:19:55,204 --> 00:19:58,239
- So I guess
we're not getting that grant.
480
00:19:58,241 --> 00:20:00,341
The psychic was wrong.
481
00:20:00,343 --> 00:20:02,610
Maybe nothing she said
is gonna come true.
482
00:20:02,612 --> 00:20:05,879
- I told you,
it's a scam.
483
00:20:05,881 --> 00:20:08,148
- Max, look.
484
00:20:08,150 --> 00:20:11,385
It's snowing.
And she predicted snow.
485
00:20:11,387 --> 00:20:14,955
- Oh, crap!
Am I gonna have kids?
486
00:20:14,957 --> 00:20:17,891
- So she was right on snow,
but not on the money.
487
00:20:17,893 --> 00:20:19,893
So what is it?
488
00:20:19,895 --> 00:20:22,796
Am I or am I not gonna die
old and alone?
489
00:20:22,798 --> 00:20:24,765
- Why are we even
talking about this?
490
00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:27,868
We're probably not gonna
make it through the winter.
491
00:20:27,870 --> 00:20:30,671
And by the way,
if you die first,
492
00:20:30,673 --> 00:20:32,606
I am totally eating you.
493
00:20:32,608 --> 00:20:34,575
- Oh. I know.
494
00:20:34,577 --> 00:20:36,143
- And besides,
495
00:20:36,145 --> 00:20:38,212
No one person
can get it all.
496
00:20:38,214 --> 00:20:39,580
- You're right.
497
00:20:39,582 --> 00:20:42,583
No one person can,
but what about two?
498
00:20:42,585 --> 00:20:44,251
You'll have
the love and the kids
499
00:20:44,253 --> 00:20:45,419
And I'll have success.
500
00:20:45,421 --> 00:20:47,621
Maybe we can share,
like we share our tips
501
00:20:47,623 --> 00:20:50,257
Or that wheat thin we found
in your pillowcase.
502
00:20:50,259 --> 00:20:52,626
- Are you asking to bang
my great love?
503
00:20:52,628 --> 00:20:55,029
Which is fine with me,
because I'm already bored
504
00:20:55,031 --> 00:20:57,431
And sleeping with
his poker buddy.
505
00:20:57,433 --> 00:20:58,832
In fact, let's switch.
506
00:20:58,834 --> 00:21:01,402
You can have my great love,
and I'll die alone.
507
00:21:01,404 --> 00:21:04,071
- Max, you don't want
to die alone.
508
00:21:04,073 --> 00:21:08,175
- I am dying to die alone.
509
00:21:12,447 --> 00:21:14,381
[cash register bell dings]