- Well, here it is. My last tip.
Only $2. - [sighs]
- And to think, I held in a fart
For those cheap bastards.
- This night sucks.
We don't even have enough
To buy supplies for tomorrow.
We'll just have to go to that store
Where everything's free.
Oh, good. They're open.
And we have to sneak all this stuff out.
Han's staying late to do inventory.
- Damn it, why does he always have to be so asian?
- Let's see, what do we need for our cupcake shop?
Eggs, sugar-- - a stripper pole?
Do you want to make money or not?
- How are we gonna hide these eggs?
- You could put some of those "grade a large"
Where there's "grade a itty-bitties."
- Rude, but I don't hate it.
I can probably fit four to six in each.
- So positive!
I love that you're a "cup's half full" kind of person.
So come here often?
- This is my first time.
- Well, you're very pretty. - Oh, thank you.
- Heads up. Han's coming your way.
Should I fake a stroke?
And ps, if I don't get up in three minutes,
It's a real one.
- No, I'll deal with him.
You keep going.
- Keep it up, and we'll finally have
An answer to the question "what comes first?
The chicken or the oleg?"
- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
- Here you go.
- I just found the greatest thing online.
- The ultrasound of the kim and kanye baby
Where someone photoshopped a "666"
On its little baby butt?
Wait, this kid's half kardashian.
Its big baby butt.
- Wow, that baby's already famous for doing nothing...
Just like its mom.
No, what I found is a site where we can apply
For a small business grant.
There's a couple of categories: Women-owned business--
- No thanks. I've been to jail.
I was already owned by a woman.
- There's also a minority-owned category.
You don't know who your father is,
And you do have an exotic look.
Any chance he could be native american?
- Yes, in fact, I think his name
Was chief running away.
- Wait.
Maybe we don't even need your father.
We are white,
Which according to the last presidential election,
Is the new minority.
So now all we need is a letter of recommendation
From someone who owns another start-up business.
I was thinking of a recommendation
From candy andy's sweets and treats.
I've already written it, so he just has to sign it.
Will you ask andy? I can't, he's my ex.
And I'm saving up my favor
For a booty call on a cold night.
- I hate asking men for things.
Favors, last names, to stop.
- Excuse me, could I get some more sweet'n low?
- Why don't you look in your purse?
It's where I saw you put them.
- I'm so embarrassed.
- Don't be.
I wasn't when I stole them last night.
What did andy say?
- He's gone.
- For lunch? - Forever.
The man is gone.
- His store is empty.
Oh, my god, this is so sad.
- I know. There goes the candy.
- And my booty call.
He didn't even leave a note? - Or a razzle?
- Forget the candy.
Are we not gonna talk about the fact
That my ex-boyfriend left without so much as a peep?
- Great. Now I want peeps.
- Hey, max.
Is today the day we're gonna get married?
- Sure, amir.
'cause my dream in life is to be detained
For four hours on our honeymoon flight.
- Max, you do know I was born in this country, right?
- You were born here? How old are you?
About zero dark thirty?
- Yeah, you were born in a walmart, right?
- Where do you think the expression
"clean up on aisle 12" comes from?
- Hey, caroline,
You bummed you drove your boyfriend out of town?
- For the record, I did not chase andy away.
We ended our relationship well.
- Right, that's why I helped him move out
In the middle of the night.
Man, you messed that up. So self-involved.
- Wow. Coming in a little hot, amir.
- Yeah, guns ablazin'.
If I was allowed to carry them.
- Oh, amir. You're the bomb.
- Look at us.
We're like homeland, if it was a rom-com.
- You don't have to read it, han.
It's just a standard letter of recommendation.
- Don't be a bitch. Just sign it.
- I'm not comfortable putting my name
On a document I haven't read.
- I understand, but don't be a bitch.
Just sign it.
- "max's homemade cupcakes is
An up-and-coming powerhouse business."
I can't sign this.
This has more lies than my okcupid profile.
- Don't be a bitch. Just sign it.
That one's on me, girls.
- If I sign this, it's lying. I could get deported.
And I'm one home inspection away from a poodle adoption.
- A poodle? That's cool. You can share sweaters.
Hurry up, bitch.
The deadline to mail that is tonight.
- Well, if you just wanted to steamroll someone,
Why didn't you get your boyfriend, andy, to sign it?
- They split.
He left last night without a peep.
Damn it, now I'm thinking about those peeps again.
- Oh, I was worried you two wouldn't make it.
You always have your mind on business,
And andy was such an easy spirit.
- I think you mean "free spirit."
Easy spirit is a shoe worn by people
Whose spirits have died.
I have two pairs.
- Okay, fine. Give it back.
I'll find someone else with a business.
- What about sophie? She owns a small business,
And she loves to give,
Not as much as she loves to receive.
- I'm not so sure sophie's cleaning business
Is totally, well, legal.
I mean, when we worked for her,
On the memo line of our paycheck,
She wrote "colonoscopy."
- And for the record, sophie's cleaning business
Is totally legit.
Her organ-trading might not be.
- Forget it, caroline.
We might deport you ourselves.
All we need is a fedex box.
- Um, caroline. Come over here.
I think I can help you with that.
- Thanks, earl, but you don't have a small business.
- The size of my business has never been in question.
And I may not have a business,
But...
Han lee does.
- Max, look. Earl forged han's signature.
- That's what his signature looks like.
When I forge it, I just draw a picture
Of hello kitty.
[knocking on glass]
- You want to know your future?
- Oh. No, no thanks.
- You sure?
I have a message about your love life.
$10.
[knock on door] - are you asleep?
Max? Max, I really need to talk.
[knocking on door]
- Oh, just come in and get it over with.
Everybody else does.
- Max, I'm sorry, but I really need to talk.
I went to the fortune teller near the diner,
And she told me that I'd never find love in my life.
- Fortune-telling's a scam.
"you'll never find a man, your moon's in uranus,
No man will ever be in uranus."
I could've told you that the second day I met you.
- Please, max, just listen for five minutes.
Come over here. I'll make you some tea.
- Tea? Who am I, pippa middleton?
Toast me an eggo waffle and maybe I'm listening.
- Well, we were saving that waffle
For a special occasion, but okay.
Chestnut, we're eating your birthday waffle now.
I don't know why I'm pissing him off.
He's gonna be the only man in my life.
- I can't believe you blew $10 on a psychic.
Why didn't you just buy a skinnygirl margarita
Like all the other lonely white chicks?
- I spent $50.
I bought a crystal that protects me from bad juju.
- Hey! There's no reason to get anti-semitic.
You spent money on crystal you can't snort?
What is wrong with you?
- I freaked out. I didn't want it to be true.
Is it true, max? Am I never gonna find love?
Was andy my one chance?
Did I screw it up because I wanted success?
Was everyone right?
- That is a lot of questions for one waffle.
And where is that waffle? [smacks counter]
You're a bad waitress at home too.
[knock on door] - who could that be?
- I don't know. Let me consult the spirits.
[mockingly] who is it?
- It's sophie.
Yeah, it's me,
The shady lady with the illegal business.
Yeah, and caroline, you owe me an apology
Or I will take out these hoops,
And we will get into it, girl.
Yeah, and I warn you,
I did some extreme fighting in warsaw.
- Extreme fighting? That's awesome.
- Yeah, they would throw
A big hunk of cheese in a trough
And let all the village girls just go at it.
- Sorry, sophie.
It just seemed like a better business decision
To go with the forgery.
- What is that?
[gasps] is that a waffle?
[laughs] okay! You are forgiven.
- Damn it. I didn't even get a bite.
I'm awake and sober for nothing.
- Sophie, do you believe in psychics?
- Oh, no. That's all fake.
You know, I knew a family of gypsy psychics
Who couldn't even predict that they would all die
In a barn fire.
- Hey, girls. Sorry to interrupt,
But sophie promised to rub antifungal cream
On my thick, yellow toenails.
- [mouth full] oleg, come over here.
I'll do it in between bites.
- This is what you're afraid you're missing?
Because this is a relationship.
- Seriously, max. That's something I really want.
And now I'm never gonna have it.
- Get in there, baby. I have two feet.
[bell chimes]
- Interesting.
She's a psychic, but she needs a bell
To tell her someone's here. [door closes]
- Max, please don't make me do this.
I don't want to hear any more bad things.
- Nothing bad's gonna happen.
She's gonna tell you you have
A bright, love-filled future
Or I'm gonna kick her in the crystal balls.
- Hello, girls.
I'll tell you your future as soon as I finish eating.
It'll only take a minute.
Since I quit smoking, I eat like a prisoner.
Come, sit, ruminate on your wishes and dreams.
- Well, my wish is that you give my friend her money back,
And my dream is that I'm a backup dancer
For missy elliott.
- Great. A wise-ass.
Do you want to know your future or not?
- Um, you already told me my future.
That's why we're here.
You said I'd never find love.
- When did I say that?
And you, tough guy, don't say, "well, you're the psychic."
- Maybe she is a psychic, because I am a tough guy
And I was gonna say that.
- You know, it's hard to remember.
I see a lot of sad, single girls.
But looking at you right now,
It makes sense.
- And here. Take your phony crystal back.
And I'm not so sure this is a real crystal.
It looks like one of those vegan deodorant things.
And we want our money.
- [hisses]
- Oh, okay. What just happened?
- I put a curse on you.
- Max, you said nothing bad was gonna happen!
- Well, I'm not a psychic, and neither is she.
- Laugh, buster.
Nothing in life will go your way,
And you will live under a dark cloud.
- [scoffs] will this dark cloud merge
With the current dark cloud above me
Or fly alongside of it?
- Look, we don't want to trouble you,
But if you could remove the curse
And possibly that noodle on your blouse...
- [hisses]
- Oh, no. Did you just--
- Cursed you too.
- Tell you what. I'll lift both curses for 50,
Or else your whole life will come crashing down
All around you.
- The only way I'm giving a strange woman 50 bucks
Is if I'm walking out of here with a genital piercing.
- I do that as well.
[bell chimes]
- Don't believe in curses, never have.
Not since jennifer martin told me I was going to hell
For sleeping with her boyfriend.
But I didn't.
I just ended up going to homecoming with him.
- Max, we have to go back and pay her.
Our lives are hard enough.
We don't need things to come crashing down around us.
- Relax. Nothing's coming crashing down around us.
- Don't jump, paul! Paul, don't jump!
- Paul? Who's paul?
Oh.
And what is he doing on the roof?
[thud] - [screams]
Okay.
That was paul's life that came crashing down,
Not ours.
- Max, I think we all know that
I'm a highly educated woman
Who doesn't really believe in curses,
But I am putting every penny we make tonight
In the "lift the curse" fund.
- And I'm gonna tell you one more time,
We're not spending another 50 bucks
On some stupid curse.
- A body fell from the sky!
- Paul got a bad batch of shrooms.
It had nothing to do with the curse.
Everyone knows you don't take psychedelics
Above the second floor.
Poor amateur bastard.
And we need our money for essentials, like food
And the penguin statue I saw at the dollar store.
The one that says "chill out."
So chill out.
- Caroline, I feel bad
About not signing your letter of recommendation.
So I wrote one myself and signed it.
Here.
- That's so nice of you.
"the extremely hardworking caroline channing,
"who has devoted her life to business
And nothing and no one else."
Han, this is supposed to be about getting a loan,
Not being alone.
- I totally get it, girl. I'm alone as well.
We have our eyes on the prize, so our beds are empty.
But occasionally, I pay for it.
- Did han just intimate
That he occasionally gets a hooker?
Lucky bastard.
He probably gets a child's discount.
- Max, look. The future's already happening.
Even in han's letter, I'm alone.
The only chance for a love life I have now
Is going halfsies on a hooker with han.
We have to reverse the curse now.
- News flash: Everybody is cursed.
You lost your money last year.
Literally nothing good has ever happened to me.
Han hasn't grown since the fourth grade.
Oleg's toenails look like fritos.
And earl was born black at the eighth- or ninth-worst time
To be a black man in america.
Look around, it's the valley of the damned.
Name one person who isn't cursed.
- Hey, guys!
I just found a $100 bill on the sidewalk!
Drinks for everyone!
Max, pop open the fancy brandy.
- "fancy brandy" is gonna be my stripper name
If you ever let me put in that pole.
- Sophie, guess what?
We went back to that psychic to complain,
And she put a curse on us.
- Oh. You're cursed?
Uh...
[groaning]
- But it's stupid, like you said, right?
- Yeah, yeah. That's stupid.
Yeah.
Did she mention me?
- No.
She just cursed us and said
Our whole lives would come crashing down around us.
[shelf crashes]
- [screaming]
- And 30, 40, 50.
[hisses] the curse is lifted.
- Oh, I don't think you got me. What about my curse?
- [hisses]
- Talk about phoning it in.
Couldn't you wave a feather or spin your head
Or throw up or something?
- That's extra.
You know what? I'm in a good mood tonight.
I got through the whole day on 15 cigarettes
And one sheet cake.
I'm gonna give tough guy a free reading here.
- Oh, free, as in the $50 you just shook us down for?
- [laughs, coughs]
Should never have quit. Okay.
Future coming right at you.
I see that you will have a happy life.
- [scoffs] me, happy?
All right, get your hat, mother. We're leaving.
- And I see a large sum of money coming your way.
Over $10,000.
- Max, it's the grant.
We applied for $12,000. Is that it?
- Sure. - [gasps]
- And in spite of your bad childhood...
- [gasps] she knew you had a bad childhood.
- Come on, every childhood is bad.
You're stupid. You can't reach stuff.
It's rough.
- In spite of it,
I see great love and children in your future.
- Max.
- Me? [laughs] no, wait.
You must be picking up on her vibes.
Check again.
- No, great love and children
Will be part of your future.
She will die alone.
- Okay, well, that's all I can take.
I'm not gonna sit here and wait for the other paul to fall.
Let's go, max. - No, no, no, no.
No, no. Wait.
She obviously got it wrong. Didn't you?
- Nope. Still dying alone...
With nothing but her great success.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What?
- I see great success in your future.
- You do? Oh, thank god.
I'm gonna have success? How big a success?
- Oh, honey, it's so big,
You won't even know you're alone.
- All right, go.
May you live a long and healthy life.
And put on your hat and gloves.
I'm predicting snow. [coughs]
- It's not going to snow.
At most, it's gonna rain 30-year-old dudes.
Maybe she isn't so psychic.
- Stop fighting it, max.
You're gonna find love and be happy,
And I'm gonna be successful.
You hear that, new york?
I'm gonna be successful and alone!
- And robbed and raped if you keep calling that out.
- And it all started when I dropped
That grant application into that mailbox
That those guys are unbolting and taking away.
What's going on?
- It's called emails.
We're getting rid of this. No one mails anything anymore.
- Yes, they do. I did yesterday.
And our $12,000 depends on it.
- Sorry, doll.
This box has been out of commission for a week.
- According to a psychic, her box is gonna be
Out of commission forever.
We had to tell him.
You expect me to lie to a city employee?
- So I guess we're not getting that grant.
The psychic was wrong.
Maybe nothing she said is gonna come true.
- I told you, it's a scam.
- Max, look.
It's snowing. And she predicted snow.
- Oh, crap! Am I gonna have kids?
- So she was right on snow, but not on the money.
So what is it?
Am I or am I not gonna die old and alone?
- Why are we even talking about this?
We're probably not gonna make it through the winter.
And by the way, if you die first,
I am totally eating you.
- Oh. I know.
- And besides,
No one person can get it all.
- You're right.
No one person can, but what about two?
You'll have the love and the kids
And I'll have success.
Maybe we can share, like we share our tips
Or that wheat thin we found in your pillowcase.
- Are you asking to bang my great love?
Which is fine with me, because I'm already bored
And sleeping with his poker buddy.
In fact, let's switch.
You can have my great love, and I'll die alone.
- Max, you don't want to die alone.
- I am dying to die alone.
[cash register bell dings]