- Mm!
I like the lemon. So good.
- And with the vanilla frosting,
It would make a lovely cupcake wedding cake.
- Mm.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god!
The chocolate!
- You do realize you're not alone, right?
- I'm gonna get some water,
And then I'll be back to taste everything!
- [laughs]
There's no wedding.
- What? - It's a scam.
I know her game.
There isn't a denny's on the eastern seaboard
I haven't hit up and said it's my birthday
For a free sundae.
- Well, what if you're wrong,
And she is the real deal?
A cupcake wedding cake could be a lot of money.
- We have to crack her b.S.
Before she eats our cupcakes, and then us.
Follow my lead.
- Oh! What are we tasting now?
- Coconut.
What's your fiance's name? - Doug franklin.
- Where'd you meet? - He's a fireman.
He rescued my cat. - Aw.
- No, aw. That's an insurance commercial.
So where's the wedding? - Barefoot on the beach.
- That's a tampon commercial.
- Ooh! Hi, baby!
[sighs]
- Max, you're wrong. They're kissing.
- Nope, he's either an out-of-work actor she hired,
Or he has cake in his mouth.
- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
- I have an announcement to make.
- You found your first "down there" hair?
- No, it's the last chance to put in your business card
To win a luxury weekend vacation.
It's han's big promo.
- Well, he's finally announced it.
Han's a big promo.
- Well, he's a little promo.
- Good luck, you now have a chance
To win a fancy two-room suite in the country,
And there's a fireplace because daddy don't skimp.
- Aw, I miss our fireplace in the country.
My father and I would sit together,
And I'd roast marshmallows, and then he'd burn
What I now realize must've been incriminating documents.
- Hi, everybody! The raffle girl is here.
Oh, I get to pull the winner!
- She pulled me twice today,
And I won both times.
- Sophie, the way you look tonight,
We are all winners.
- Oh, earl, that is so sweet.
I would kiss you if it was legal.
All right, I'm going to put in one
Of my cleaning company cards.
All right.
Who's gonna be the winner?
- Yeah, yeah, shake it like a polaroid picture, baby.
- Yeah. Oh.
Oh, no, that doesn't feel like my card.
- Sophie, that's cheating.
- Hey, keep out of it, glinda the good bitch.
And the winner is...
Max's homemade cupcakes?
Both: Oh, my god! We won!
- Congratulations!
- I've never won anything in my life!
Except for that time I got stoned
And accidentally won that hot dog eating contest.
- Wait, how did this even happen?
Did you put our card in?
- Actually, I put your card in,
And I took a few out.
I figured you girls could use a vacation.
You girls been working harder
Than my liver on payday.
- Oh, earl, you're like santa
Without the weird fixation on children.
- It was so nice of earl to enter us.
- Oh, stop. He's like my father.
Wow, this place actually looks nice.
Ooh, an outhouse!
- Max, that's a sauna. - Oh.
Either way, I'm peeing in it.
- But max, can we leave the shop?
I mean, even though business has been slow,
What if dottie wants to come back
And order cupcakes for her wedding?
- First off, she ate them all.
Second, there is no wedding.
She's a b.S. Bride.
I guarantee you, right now,
She's crawling through an air-conditioning vent
At a krispy kreme.
- Andy in the house!
Sorry, I was watching a living singlemarathon
Before I came over.
- You are not gonna believe this.
We won a weekend getaway.
Isn't that exciting? We really needed this.
- That's great! - [sighs]
- We do need this. Thanks, babe.
And I was hoping to get a little special one-on-one time
With you this weekend.
So when do we leave?
- Oh, we!
We can leave tomorrow.
We--we--we all the way there.
Look, han said it was a two-room suite.
Andy can come with us.
It's still our trip.
He doesn't have to know he's the third wheel.
- [groans] well, you know I'm always a fan of lying,
So I'm in.
- It's still our trip.
She doesn't have to know she's the third wheel.
- Well, you know I'm not a fan of lying,
But okay, I'm in.
- [sighs] I love a road trip.
My mom and I took one in third grade
For, like, a year, but we'd just drive around locally and--
Oh, my god, I lived in a car.
- Hey, let's play a card game.
I spy something red.
- Is it that gas station?
- Nope.
- Is it that truck? - Nope.
- Is it boring? Yes! My turn.
I spy something annoying.
- Is it me? - Yes!
- I knew the joke was on me,
But I love to win.
- You are not annoying. You're adorable.
- I spy a big man-gina.
- Is it me? - Yes!
- I like to win too.
[cell phone rings]
- Max's homemade cupcakes.
Hello?
[groans] bad cell area.
Max, I think that might've been dottie, the b.S. Bride.
I couldn't hear the words,
But she sounded unnaturally confident.
Maybe the b.S. Stands for "big sale."
- No more business calls, okay?
I thought we were getting away for fun.
- We are, but our business
Is nowhere near where we need it to be,
And when it comes to ignoring a call,
It's kind of hard.
- Hey, you know what this area of the mountains is known for?
- Wineries and incest?
- Alien abductions!
I know all about it.
People disappear from here all the time.
- Max, there's no such thing as an extraterrestrial.
- Okay, first, that's something an extraterrestrial would say.
I've always wanted to be abducted.
And my guidance counselor said I had no goals.
- And here we go.
Again, I don't believe in names,
But feel free to call me "roger" if it helps you.
- Get out! Get out!
The bed floats! This is awesome!
Usually, you gotta bring the ropes to the bed.
This way, you get to eliminate a whole step!
- The bed's sculptural beauty
Is actually surpassed by the joy of resting in it.
Some say it's like being rocked to sleep
In the arms of god.
- It's a sex bed, roger.
- May I light the fire for you?
- Oh, no, thanks. I can do it.
I was an eagle scout.
Man, there's just not enough occasions
Where I can brag about that.
- The room is cute, but really tiny.
We're gonna need a bigger space,
Unless we're hobbits.
Is this the door to the adjoining room?
- Well, that is an adjoining room,
But it's not included in your package.
- Oh, damn it!
We should've known han's package
Was gonna be smaller than he said it is.
[groans]
- I'm sorry. All the other cabins are booked.
I'll bring you some bedding for the couch
At an additional price.
Ohm shanti.
- [groans] well, I guess you guys
Are the couple, so I'll sleep on the couch.
I can sleep anywhere.
First two years of my life,
My bed was a pile of unopened mail.
- A big, roaring fire
Is gonna be so romantic.
Come over here closer to me,
You big eagle scout.
- Well, now you sound like my scoutmaster.
Hey, don't start anything you can't finish in a minute.
Max'll be right out.
Something tells me she's not a consistent hand-washer.
- You do your thing.
I'm just gonna sit right here,
And watch my man build a fire.
- Oh, great, this is cedar!
It's gonna smell so awesome.
I love falling asleep to the sound of a fire.
- Oh, my god.
I know, no business stuff,
But I just got a text about a big order.
- That's fine, just remember this weekend--
- Oh, I know, me and you.
Me and you, me and you--
Max! Max.
Turns out the b.S. Bride isn't b.S.
She wants pricing on a wedding cupcake cake,
And a groom's cupcake cake, for 300 guests.
- [exhales] great!
Almost as great as these little fuzzy shoes!
They were in a sealed plastic package.
I'm the first one to ever open them.
They're like condoms for your feet!
♪ new shoes, new shoes
- Where are you going?
- To the sauna.
Hopefully, I'll be abducted on my way,
But know that even though I'm gone,
I'm happier up there with my alien lover.
True, they don't have lips,
But they do have crazy-long fingers.
- I'll go with you.
Not to talk about work,
But she can't go alone. There might be bears.
There were always bears at my chalet in aspen,
In the woods, lying on the floors, everywhere.
You know, until peta attacked the house.
- So this is a fancy sauna?
Not impressed.
People pay for the privilege
Of sitting in decades of ass sweat?
- How come your towel's staying up
So much better than mine?
- I can think of two reasons.
I'm gonna get some water, and then start peeing.
- When you come back, we have to discuss
The b.S. Bride's cake.
We can't screw this up. It's all we have.
[sighs] this heat is amazing.
Mother of god! That's hot.
[sighs] - there are bears out there.
They're coming this way. - What?
Max, get in here! Close the door!
- Fine, but they'll just open it and come in.
- Bears can't open doors and walk in.
- These ones can.
- Hey, girls. You mind if we join you?
- You guys are gay bears, right?
- Max! - It's cool.
My prom date is big in the bear scene now,
But in high school, they just called him a jock
Who cried sometimes.
[laughter]
- Yep, we're bears. Big, hairy, not scary.
[chuckling]
- I'm deke. This is dirk.
- Yup, we're deke and dirk.
Pause for reaction. [laughter]
- I'm caroline, and this is max.
- Are you girls lipstick lesbians?
- No, we're just friends,
And we can't afford lipstick.
- [groans] especially at this gift shop.
Have you seen the prices?
$25 for chap stick?
Please. No one's lips are that chapped.
[laughter]
- And he would know.
This one's the king of face creaming.
[laughter]
- A little bit dirtier than what it is.
I'm actually a dermatologist.
- Oh, my god.
Do not tell me I'm lucky enough
To be in a sauna with two dermatologists.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm an astrophysicist.
- Oh, smarter than the average bear.
[laughter]
- Loving her. - Mm-hmm.
- So you know about space stuff, smarty bear.
Do you believe in aliens?
- Oh, I do, and I believe they're living among us.
I'm looking at you, christina ricci!
- So talk to me, deke. What can you give me?
- He has plenty of free cream samples
Back in our room.
- And it's the good stuff. You should come by!
We're in cabin four.
- No way! We're in cabin three.
Both: Ah!
- How about those rope beds?
You know it's kinky when the bed is already tied up.
[laughter]
- First, we were all "um, we're gonna fall,"
But then we thought, "what the hell?
It's our man-iversary."
- Aw, you're married?
Happy anniversary.
Now, let's get back to those free creams.
Oh, and here's our card
If you're ever in the neighborhood
Or need a big order.
- You brought a business card to a sauna?
I don't wanna know where you kept that.
- Max's homemade cupcakes. - Mm.
- Or in your case, cub-cakes.
[laughter]
- Loving her. - Living for her.
- Wanna come back as her.
[laughter]
- There you go, your dinner for two.
Two soups, two salads, two entrees, two desserts.
I hope you three enjoy.
- Maybe could we order another meal?
- No problem, just call.
Extra charge, of course.
Ohm shanti.
- Ohm shanti means "screw you" in yoga, right?
- [exhales] I am so starving.
Oh, my god, this looks amazing!
Oh, and the bread is still warm!
- And there's one of those crazy-ass pretzel rolls.
Is it a pretzel? Is it a roll?
No idea, it's crazy.
- [giggles]
Max, put some of this butter on it.
- Try and stop me, bitch!
Here, take half. - Thanks!
Mm.
- Yo. - [coughs]
Oh, my god, andy! I totally forgot.
Not about you. I forgot my manners.
If my danish governess were here,
She would hit me with her wooden spoon.
I'm so sorry.
Go, sit. You eat.
Enjoy the pretzel roll.
- It's gone. You snooze, you lose.
No, you sit. I'm good.
I'll order more food.
- No, sit! Sit.
I'm the bad one.
- This soup is "duh-mazing."
Just a word I made up
For when something's so amazing, you're stunned,
And all you can say is "duh."
Duh-mazing.
- Yes, I'd like to order anoth--
Yes, I'll hold.
I think the hold music is just roger singing.
- Okay, hang up the phone.
Go sit and eat. Come on.
Hurry before max eats the table.
- No, you eat.
After all, it's our special weekend.
I want you to enjoy it.
- Well, okay,
But only because it's a special occasion.
- Good!
I'm gonna go take a hot shower.
Besides, it's always better to make love
On an empty stomach.
- That must be why there are so many people in india.
- Max, I got a favor to ask you.
Do you think you can go visit your bear friends next door,
Maybe give us some private time?
It'll be your birthday gift to me.
- Oh!
It would be my birthday gift to you
Because it's your birthday.
- Yeah, just for, like, two hours.
Okay, one hour.
I'll skip the foreplay,
And that'll be my birthday gift to myself.
- [laughs]
Cool, then I'll just go do that, then.
I mean, caroline went to all this trouble
To get you a trip for your birthday, I assume.
- I know,
And I was really looking forward to some birthday sex
Since we haven't really connected that way
Since the shop started giving you guys so much trouble.
- But the shop's been in trouble for weeks.
- Yeah, so maybe I'll only need, like, a half hour with her.
- I need my book. I'm gonna take a bath instead.
That tub is so amazing.
I'm just gonna soak in it
And blissfully forget all my problems.
- As well as some other things.
- Max is gonna go visit yogi and boo boo next door
And give us some private time.
- She can't do that.
It's their man-iversary.
They need their private time.
- Yes, but you guys
Are celebrating a special thing, too.
- What? What are we celebrating?
- Andy's birthday. Oh, damn it!
Now, I went and spoiled all the special sexual things
You had planned for him.
- [groans] damn it, max!
Now, you did give it all away.
We were gonna do missionary,
And...The other one.
[sighs] okay.
Okay, I'm sorry. I forgot.
I don't know how. I knewtoday was your birthday.
- It's tomorrow.
- So yippee!
She hasn't missed it.
All's right with the world.
[laughs]
I'm gonna go visit the berenstains.
- This weekend wasn't about my birthday, was it?
- [knocks at door] come on, come on.
Get your hand out of his honeypot
And get over here.
I'll be gone in a second,
And then you guys can jump-start your sex life again.
- What do you mean "jump-start"?
How could you tell max
That we haven't had sex?
You haven't even discussed that with me.
- Come on, aliens.
If you're ever going to abduct me,
This would be the time.
- Don't take the attention off the fact
That you forgot my birthday.
- Oh, god, I wish I was a cartoon,
So I could run right through this door,
And leave behind a body-shaped hole.
- Oh, hey, max. - Hey.
Mind if I hibernate for a minute?
- Oh, sure, come on in.
We were just gonna eat and then dye our chest hair.
- [laughs]
Close that damn door now.
Thanks, it was just getting a little tense in there.
She forgot his birthday. - Mm, ouch.
Well, he forgot mine once,
And now it's his ankle tattoo.
- Max, please, I insist.
- You don't have to ask me twice.
You gonna eat the pretzel roll?
- Andy, I'm sorry about your birthday.
It just went out of my head.
I feel bad.
- And I feel sick.
Can you stop swinging the bed?
- Sorry, I'm nervous.
- Yeah, you're nervous a lot,
Which is why our other bed isn't moving at all.
- No, no, no, no, no, don't go.
Come back. Come back to the sex bed.
Let's get some sex going!
Come on! We can get this bed moving now!
See!
See?
Hey! Oh, hi!
Oh, it's your birthday! It's your birthday!
- It's tomorrow.
- Okay. Okay.
I can do better, see?
Here we go!
Now, here we go!
Wanna see me twerk it? Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
If I'd had any food, I would throw up.
- Okay, yeah, have a seat.
Let's have some bread.
- [exhales]
Has it really been that long since we had sex?
- Sweetie, after that dance,
It's hard to believe you've ever had sex.
- It hasn't been that long.
The shop opened on the 12th,
So it's...
What?
- No, it's just interesting
You had no problem remembering that date.
Let me ask you a question.
Where do you think you're going?
- What do you mean? I'm here.
- No.
Where do you think you're going?
Like, where do you see your life in a year?
- Well, pretty soon, max and I
Will be out of this rough patch,
And full force with the business,
Doing weddings and big events,
And then max and I will probably open another store,
Get a bigger apartment.
- Okay, and am I in there somewhere?
- Oh, come on. I was getting to you.
- Were you?
When? When were you getting to me?
After your business is a success?
- No! Now.
Come on. Sex time in the sex bed.
[groans]
Wanna do it on the floor?
- This is so comfortable!
You put a belt on this, you could wear it out.
- [chuckles]
- Just don't try that at your in-laws' house
With a matching turban.
- Dirk, my father worked 40 years in the factory
Before he lost his arm.
He doesn't get "camp." - okay.
- Now get up here, lady.
We're having cookies and milk.
- [groans] you guys rock.
I promise I won't stay here all night.
Don't wanna get trapped in the middle
Of your country bear jamboree.
[chuckling]
- Please, honey.
You are perfectly safe in this bed.
We haven't had sex in a year.
- Why would you tell her that?
- Well, she told us about her friends not having sex.
I thought it was on the table.
- But we haven't even discussed that.
- Mother ship, make it happen!
This is the time to abduct me.
- Hi. Max, you can come back. Andy left.
He said he'd find his own way home.
- He left? - Because you're not having sex?
- Max, you told the bears we're not having sex?
Why would you share that?
- Exactly, caroline.
And why would you tell max that,
When you never even brought it up in our gestalt therapy?
- I was planning on addressing it with you this weekend.
You think I'd spend $500 on this room
For milk and cookies?
- I think we're all forgetting
How good that soup was.
- Well, I'm sorry if I haven't been feeling
Very attractive lately.
- I tell you how handsome you are every day.
- Don't you guys look exactly alike?
- Are you okay?
- I'm all right.
- You wanna get in bed and cuddle for a little while?
- No, it's-- yeah.
- Come on. Yeah, get in here.
There you go. There you go.
Both: Whoo!
- Oh, good. You're alive.
When I heard you left and walked through the woods,
I wondered, "was there anal probing?"
By an alien, not a grifter.
- You texted you wanted to see me?
- Well, someone did.
- Happy birthday!
Now, come on, blow.
- I don't really feel like doing that.
- Welcome to our world.
- Andy, I'm so sorry about everything.
- It's okay.
I had a lot of time to think on the bus,
And the other bus, and the bus I had to take
When that bus broke down.
- If it makes you feel any better,
I have rope burns all down my back.
Andy, I'm sorry about your birthday.
We told each other those dates a month ago.
I wouldn't expect you to remember mine.
- May 28th, 1987.
10:30 in the morning.
- 10:30 at night, so you're not perfect.
- Look, you have a really busy life,
And you're really ambitious, which I admire,
But I wanna be more than someone you get to eventually.
- And you deserve that.
It's just I have to put the business first right now--
- And I get that.
I just--I think we should take a break.
- You wanna take a break?
- Maybe, yeah.
- Are you saying take a break
'cause you really mean "break up,"
But you're trying to be nice?
- Maybe, yeah.
I'm sorry if this seems sudden,
But I know me,
And maybe it's better sooner than later.
- I'm back!
And I brought my bridesmaids!
[giggling]
- Looks like business is picking up.
- It's gonna be hard not to see you.
- Yeah, it will be.
I work 10 feet away.
- This way, ladies.
We're gonna taste every cupcake they have!
- This is the time to take me!
Come on, final offer!
E.T.? Alf?
Christina ricci?
[overlapping chatter]
[cash register bell dings]