1
00:00:02,678 --> 00:00:04,379
- Hey.

2
00:00:04,381 --> 00:00:07,149
- What are you doing
back so early?

3
00:00:07,151 --> 00:00:08,650
Did chestnut
forget his wallet?

4
00:00:08,652 --> 00:00:11,319
- No, we saw that cat
we don't like.

5
00:00:11,321 --> 00:00:13,288
I tried to spray it
with a water bottle,

6
00:00:13,290 --> 00:00:16,324
But it just laughed at us,
so we ran.

7
00:00:16,326 --> 00:00:17,426
What are you doing
out here?

8
00:00:17,428 --> 00:00:19,227
- Enjoying the day.

9
00:00:19,229 --> 00:00:22,130
The coming of autumn
is my favorite time of year.

10
00:00:22,132 --> 00:00:23,765
I love the leaves.

11
00:00:23,767 --> 00:00:27,903
Oh, gross!
A condom!

12
00:00:27,905 --> 00:00:31,673
- Wow, I guess autumn
really is coming.

13
00:00:31,675 --> 00:00:33,408
- Who would throw that
over our wall?

14
00:00:33,410 --> 00:00:35,811
- That cat.
What?

15
00:00:35,813 --> 00:00:37,412
He's not only arrogant,

16
00:00:37,414 --> 00:00:41,016
He wants us to know
he has sex.

17
00:00:41,018 --> 00:00:42,451
All I know is,
if I had nine lives,

18
00:00:42,453 --> 00:00:44,586
I wouldn't wear
a condom.

19
00:00:44,588 --> 00:00:47,122
- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

20
00:00:47,124 --> 00:00:48,690
[cash register bell dings]

21
00:00:48,692 --> 00:00:54,596
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh ♪

22
00:00:54,598 --> 00:00:56,865
- Hey, you know, we should start
figuring out

23
00:00:56,867 --> 00:00:58,600
What to do with chestnut
this winter,

24
00:00:58,602 --> 00:01:01,570
Now that it's already
peak condom dropping season.

25
00:01:01,572 --> 00:01:04,506
- You're right, chestnut
is the most important thing.

26
00:01:04,508 --> 00:01:06,374
But more importantly,
what do you think

27
00:01:06,376 --> 00:01:08,510
Of this vintage sweater
I chose for my date with andy?

28
00:01:08,512 --> 00:01:10,278
- It's nice.

29
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:13,515
But won't it be hard to pull off
over your head in the cab?

30
00:01:13,517 --> 00:01:15,217
I'm assuming
you'll do it in a cab.

31
00:01:15,219 --> 00:01:19,387
- Max, it's a first date.
That's not appropriate.

32
00:01:19,389 --> 00:01:20,689
Is it?

33
00:01:20,691 --> 00:01:23,391
I mean, I've never
dated poor.

34
00:01:23,393 --> 00:01:25,127
What is acceptable
on a first date?

35
00:01:25,129 --> 00:01:29,664
- Well, I'm pretty classy,
so anal?

36
00:01:36,706 --> 00:01:39,541
- I'm not that poor.

37
00:01:39,543 --> 00:01:41,209
- Well, you better
give him something

38
00:01:41,211 --> 00:01:43,145
To keep him interested
because he owns a candy store,

39
00:01:43,147 --> 00:01:45,280
And I want
free candy forever.

40
00:01:45,282 --> 00:01:46,281
[knock at door]

41
00:01:46,283 --> 00:01:47,482
- There he is.

42
00:01:47,484 --> 00:01:49,084
Can you bring him
out in the yard,

43
00:01:49,086 --> 00:01:50,452
So he can see me in my sweater
next to my horse?

44
00:01:50,454 --> 00:01:54,122
- Okay, freak.

45
00:01:54,124 --> 00:01:55,957
But next time a guy
comes knocking for me,

46
00:01:55,959 --> 00:01:57,159
You have to take him
to my bedroom,

47
00:01:57,161 --> 00:01:58,660
So he can see me
in my slayer shirt

48
00:01:58,662 --> 00:02:02,864
Next to my glo worm
filled with pot.

49
00:02:04,467 --> 00:02:06,234
- Hello, sir, I'm here
to pick up your daughter.

50
00:02:06,236 --> 00:02:08,036
- And what exactly
are your intentions?

51
00:02:08,038 --> 00:02:09,371
- I don't know.

52
00:02:09,373 --> 00:02:11,239
Maybe take her
on a romantic hayride,

53
00:02:11,241 --> 00:02:12,507
Knock her out
with chloroform,

54
00:02:12,509 --> 00:02:15,577
And sell her kidney
for a new ipad.

55
00:02:15,579 --> 00:02:17,746
- Son!

56
00:02:17,748 --> 00:02:19,047
Come outside.

57
00:02:19,049 --> 00:02:20,348
Miss channing wants
you to see her

58
00:02:20,350 --> 00:02:21,750
Looking like the girl
who got cut

59
00:02:21,752 --> 00:02:23,985
From the j. Crew catalog
for being too white.

60
00:02:23,987 --> 00:02:26,988
- Miss channing?
Max, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

61
00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:29,324
Caroline is <i>caroline channing</i>
<i>caroline channing?</i>

62
00:02:29,326 --> 00:02:30,992
- Yeah, she used to be
a billionaire,

63
00:02:30,994 --> 00:02:32,160
But now all her money
is in here.

64
00:02:32,162 --> 00:02:33,562
[coins rattling]

65
00:02:33,564 --> 00:02:35,163
Oh, wait, some of these
are buttons.

66
00:02:35,165 --> 00:02:36,932
- Oh.
Okay.

67
00:02:36,934 --> 00:02:39,100
Yeah, I just thought she was
a regular williamsburg girl.

68
00:02:39,102 --> 00:02:42,938
- No.
She doesn't try that hard.

69
00:02:44,507 --> 00:02:46,675
And I was wrong.

70
00:02:46,677 --> 00:02:50,278
- Oh, hi.
I didn't hear you knock.

71
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,013
- Well, you two
have a good time.

72
00:02:52,015 --> 00:02:53,748
And, young man, if you don't
swing by your store

73
00:02:53,750 --> 00:02:55,116
And bring me
some pixie sticks,

74
00:02:55,118 --> 00:02:56,418
You'll never see
my little girl again.

75
00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:57,852
- Way ahead of you.

76
00:02:57,854 --> 00:03:01,156
- Yes!

77
00:03:01,158 --> 00:03:03,225
Yeah, definitely anal.

78
00:03:14,003 --> 00:03:15,537
- Oh, baby.

79
00:03:15,539 --> 00:03:17,772
Look who's a half hour
late for work.

80
00:03:17,774 --> 00:03:20,375
Must have been a pretty hot date
with the candy man.

81
00:03:20,377 --> 00:03:24,479
So did you touch
his whatchamacallit?

82
00:03:24,481 --> 00:03:26,881
Did you bring him
to almond joy?

83
00:03:26,883 --> 00:03:30,552
- His butterfingers
got nowhere near my mounds.

84
00:03:30,554 --> 00:03:32,020
Now, if we could be adults
for a second--

85
00:03:32,022 --> 00:03:33,788
- Well, your mounds
are more like sno-caps,

86
00:03:33,790 --> 00:03:36,625
But continue.

87
00:03:36,627 --> 00:03:38,393
- Well, nothing happened.

88
00:03:38,395 --> 00:03:41,963
Even after four hours of me
breathing heavily and saying...

89
00:03:41,965 --> 00:03:45,233
[seductively]
"I'm having a really good time."

90
00:03:47,470 --> 00:03:49,871
Look, I don't want to be
this girl, but I think--

91
00:03:49,873 --> 00:03:51,640
Think he might be gay.

92
00:03:51,642 --> 00:03:53,842
- He's gay
because he's not turned on

93
00:03:53,844 --> 00:03:58,546
By four hours
of coffee breath?

94
00:03:58,548 --> 00:04:00,548
[bell dings]

95
00:04:00,550 --> 00:04:02,250
- What's up?

96
00:04:02,252 --> 00:04:05,820
- [seductively] I'm having
a really good time.

97
00:04:05,822 --> 00:04:08,623
- I must go
to the men's room right now.

98
00:04:15,231 --> 00:04:17,432
- That proves nothing.

99
00:04:17,434 --> 00:04:19,067
Oleg is always looking
for an excuse

100
00:04:19,069 --> 00:04:20,735
To put it somewhere.

101
00:04:20,737 --> 00:04:23,805
Why do you think we don't
serve bagels anymore?

102
00:04:26,742 --> 00:04:28,743
Andy is not gay.

103
00:04:28,745 --> 00:04:31,246
And I'm not just setting you up
for a life of confusing,

104
00:04:31,248 --> 00:04:33,448
Self-questioning non-sex
for the free candy,

105
00:04:33,450 --> 00:04:36,318
Although that does
sound like me.

106
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:37,519
He is really into you.

107
00:04:37,521 --> 00:04:39,020
- He might be into me,

108
00:04:39,022 --> 00:04:43,525
But he doesn't seem to want
to get into me.

109
00:04:43,527 --> 00:04:45,160
Maybe he just
wants me as a friend.

110
00:04:45,162 --> 00:04:46,594
- No way.

111
00:04:46,596 --> 00:04:48,330
You are, like, 80 pounds
and a coke addiction shy

112
00:04:48,332 --> 00:04:52,200
From being qualified to be
a gay guy's female friend.

113
00:04:52,202 --> 00:04:54,135
- What's so important
you two have to be in here

114
00:04:54,137 --> 00:04:56,538
Gabbing like schoolgirls when
there are customers waiting?

115
00:04:56,540 --> 00:04:58,306
- If you must know,

116
00:04:58,308 --> 00:05:00,275
Caroline and I were discussing
if someone we know is gay.

117
00:05:00,277 --> 00:05:01,576
- I once had

118
00:05:01,578 --> 00:05:04,779
A homosexual experience
in college.

119
00:05:09,552 --> 00:05:13,021
- With another girl?

120
00:05:13,023 --> 00:05:16,091
- No, there was a boy
who was interested in me.

121
00:05:16,093 --> 00:05:18,026
He was captain
of the football team.

122
00:05:18,028 --> 00:05:19,427
He would come
to my dorm room

123
00:05:19,429 --> 00:05:21,062
And ask me
to do his homework,

124
00:05:21,064 --> 00:05:24,032
And then he would leave.

125
00:05:24,034 --> 00:05:25,300
Oh.
Never mind.

126
00:05:25,302 --> 00:05:29,537
I never had
a homosexual experience.

127
00:05:29,539 --> 00:05:30,805
- Keep wearing
those sweaters, han.

128
00:05:30,807 --> 00:05:33,174
It'll happen.

129
00:05:37,446 --> 00:05:39,247
And if you think
your life sucks now,

130
00:05:39,249 --> 00:05:40,715
It just got worse.

131
00:05:40,717 --> 00:05:43,885
Look, a new hipster strain.
Ironic amish.

132
00:05:43,887 --> 00:05:45,587
No way.

133
00:05:45,589 --> 00:05:49,657
I'm taking care of these
two butter churners right now.

134
00:05:49,659 --> 00:05:52,293
Look, I'm telling you
what I told mumford and sons,

135
00:05:52,295 --> 00:05:55,930
Get out.

136
00:05:55,932 --> 00:05:59,734
Go.
Go, you hipster amish wannabes.

137
00:05:59,736 --> 00:06:02,003
- But we really are amish.

138
00:06:02,005 --> 00:06:03,705
- Yes, we're here
on rumspringa.

139
00:06:03,707 --> 00:06:07,242
- And I'm here
on a little bit of vodka.

140
00:06:07,244 --> 00:06:09,711
- It's sort of like what
you might call spring break.

141
00:06:09,713 --> 00:06:11,079
We get to leave
the ways of the amish

142
00:06:11,081 --> 00:06:12,480
And experience
the modern world.

143
00:06:12,482 --> 00:06:15,984
- Well, I beggeth
thy forgiveness.

144
00:06:15,986 --> 00:06:19,354
Haveth a seat-eth
in the booth-eth.

145
00:06:19,356 --> 00:06:24,025
Have a seat in the booth.

146
00:06:24,027 --> 00:06:25,827
Earl, I got
two amish in my booth.

147
00:06:25,829 --> 00:06:27,529
- Well, you let them know
right up front

148
00:06:27,531 --> 00:06:31,433
That we don't accept
travelers checks or livestock.

149
00:06:33,169 --> 00:06:34,669
- So amish, huh?

150
00:06:34,671 --> 00:06:36,704
- Yes, ma'am.
From pennsylvania.

151
00:06:36,706 --> 00:06:38,072
- "ma'am"?

152
00:06:38,074 --> 00:06:40,408
You know what,
that's kind of hot.

153
00:06:40,410 --> 00:06:42,076
I always thought
I'd have to wait

154
00:06:42,078 --> 00:06:46,881
20 more years to be a cougar,
but, rawr, here I am.

155
00:06:46,883 --> 00:06:48,583
Why don't I bring you boys
some coffee, on me?

156
00:06:48,585 --> 00:06:50,251
- We can't
drink coffee, ma'am.

157
00:06:50,253 --> 00:06:52,520
Coffee is the devil
in a cup.

158
00:06:52,522 --> 00:06:55,123
- We can do whatever we want,
jacob, we're in new york.

159
00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:57,292
- Yeah, jacob.
Listen to, uh--

160
00:06:57,294 --> 00:07:00,295
- Jebediah.
- For real?

161
00:07:02,331 --> 00:07:05,400
- Did you see the size
of her nursers?

162
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:12,674
- Those guys
are for real amish.

163
00:07:12,676 --> 00:07:14,843
- I love
the amish culture.

164
00:07:14,845 --> 00:07:16,277
- You love
every culture.

165
00:07:16,279 --> 00:07:19,214
You salute the flags
at ihop when we walk by.

166
00:07:21,784 --> 00:07:23,284
- Oh, my god.
That's it.

167
00:07:23,286 --> 00:07:26,020
Max, question.
What are the amish known for?

168
00:07:26,022 --> 00:07:28,223
- Oh, no.
It's sixth grade all over again.

169
00:07:28,225 --> 00:07:29,858
Just give me an "f"
and move on.

170
00:07:29,860 --> 00:07:32,560
- Barns.
They build barns, and we--

171
00:07:32,562 --> 00:07:34,662
- We need a barn
for chestnut.

172
00:07:34,664 --> 00:07:36,731
Come on.
And let me do the talking.

173
00:07:36,733 --> 00:07:39,167
I am very good
at manipulating young boys.

174
00:07:39,169 --> 00:07:41,035
I once got a ten-year-old
I was babysitting

175
00:07:41,037 --> 00:07:43,404
To buy me a box of pop-tarts
with his allowance.

176
00:07:51,347 --> 00:07:54,382
- So this is our place.
Not much, but--

177
00:07:54,384 --> 00:07:57,252
You have so many possessions.
Are you rich, ma'am?

178
00:07:57,254 --> 00:07:59,921
- Yes.

179
00:07:59,923 --> 00:08:01,556
And I have to say,
this "ma'am" thing

180
00:08:01,558 --> 00:08:04,826
Is still working
for me.

181
00:08:04,828 --> 00:08:06,995
- Um, okay, jacob.
That's enough with the lights.

182
00:08:06,997 --> 00:08:10,231
There will be plenty of time for
fun with electricity tomorrow,

183
00:08:10,233 --> 00:08:11,633
But it's late.

184
00:08:11,635 --> 00:08:13,501
Let's discuss
sleeping arrangements.

185
00:08:13,503 --> 00:08:14,836
You two can sleep out here,

186
00:08:14,838 --> 00:08:16,004
And max and I
will sleep in her bed.

187
00:08:16,006 --> 00:08:17,105
Does that work for you?

188
00:08:17,107 --> 00:08:18,406
Both: Okay.

189
00:08:18,408 --> 00:08:20,508
- Oh, sorry.
I left my bra.

190
00:08:20,510 --> 00:08:22,777
- Your--
your b-b-bra?

191
00:08:22,779 --> 00:08:24,579
- Jacob, stop acting
like a child.

192
00:08:24,581 --> 00:08:25,580
I'm sorry about him.

193
00:08:25,582 --> 00:08:26,648
- Don't be.

194
00:08:26,650 --> 00:08:27,782
At least it was her bra.

195
00:08:27,784 --> 00:08:33,488
Mine would have killed
the kid.

196
00:08:33,490 --> 00:08:34,956
- So I was thinking
we could drive our truck

197
00:08:34,958 --> 00:08:36,090
To my uncle's lumberyard
in the morning

198
00:08:36,092 --> 00:08:37,825
And get the wood
for the barn.

199
00:08:37,827 --> 00:08:40,461
- Okay, but there seems to be
plenty of wood right here.

200
00:08:40,463 --> 00:08:44,132
- Oh, hello.

201
00:08:44,134 --> 00:08:46,100
- Don't be embarrassed,
jacob.

202
00:08:46,102 --> 00:08:48,169
It's perfectly natural when
you're exposed to new things.

203
00:08:48,171 --> 00:08:50,605
The first time I saw a picture
of those fat twins on scooters,

204
00:08:50,607 --> 00:08:53,975
I was hard
for days.

205
00:08:53,977 --> 00:08:55,877
- Why don't you two go outside
and play with the horse?

206
00:08:55,879 --> 00:08:58,279
Both: Okay.

207
00:08:58,281 --> 00:09:00,114
- And thank you for letting us
stay at your place.

208
00:09:00,116 --> 00:09:01,849
Your home is dope.

209
00:09:01,851 --> 00:09:03,918
- You don't even know
what that means, jebediah.

210
00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:06,654
- It's hipster talk, jacob,
and it's awesome.

211
00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,926
- Are we sure
this is a good idea?

212
00:09:11,928 --> 00:09:13,461
You saw how turned on
he was.

213
00:09:13,463 --> 00:09:16,798
He was practically
raising a barn in his pants.

214
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,467
- We're fine,
they're fine.

215
00:09:19,469 --> 00:09:20,969
Just a typical male reaction

216
00:09:20,971 --> 00:09:23,471
To a couple of hot cougars
like us.

217
00:09:23,473 --> 00:09:27,108
Rawr.
Rawr.

218
00:09:27,110 --> 00:09:29,377
- You know what isn't
a typical male reaction?

219
00:09:29,379 --> 00:09:31,813
Not calling or texting
a girl you're interested in.

220
00:09:31,815 --> 00:09:33,548
- Well, why don't you
just text andy, then?

221
00:09:33,550 --> 00:09:35,216
- What should I text?

222
00:09:35,218 --> 00:09:37,986
"why so gay,
question mark"?

223
00:09:37,988 --> 00:09:39,587
- I don't know.

224
00:09:39,589 --> 00:09:41,289
The only thing
I've ever texted to a guy is,

225
00:09:41,291 --> 00:09:45,560
"there's a cop behind you,
walk past me."

226
00:09:45,562 --> 00:09:46,995
Just say "hey."

227
00:09:46,997 --> 00:09:50,765
- Okay.
I can do that.

228
00:09:50,767 --> 00:09:52,266
"hey."

229
00:09:52,268 --> 00:09:56,838
Huh, it autocorrected
to "gay."

230
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,607
Even the phone's
getting that vibe.

231
00:09:59,609 --> 00:10:01,576
There, sent it.
"hey."

232
00:10:01,578 --> 00:10:03,344
- Do you think
I could grab a beer?

233
00:10:03,346 --> 00:10:04,679
- Yes.
- No.

234
00:10:04,681 --> 00:10:07,582
- Look, they're working
for us for free.

235
00:10:07,584 --> 00:10:10,618
One beer each.
- Awesome, awesome, awesome.

236
00:10:10,620 --> 00:10:13,187
- Max, you can't give
underage kids beer in our home.

237
00:10:13,189 --> 00:10:17,859
- Why?
Isn't that what love is?

238
00:10:17,861 --> 00:10:20,595
- Jebediah,
beer is the devil's saliva.

239
00:10:20,597 --> 00:10:22,597
[knock at door]

240
00:10:22,599 --> 00:10:24,932
- Neighbors come a-calling
after midnight in williamsburg?

241
00:10:24,934 --> 00:10:26,367
Where is this william?

242
00:10:26,369 --> 00:10:28,603
I'd like to compliment him
on his burg.

243
00:10:28,605 --> 00:10:32,273
- Hi, girls, I just
came down for a cupcake--

244
00:10:32,275 --> 00:10:35,376
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

245
00:10:35,378 --> 00:10:38,046
Hold on.

246
00:10:38,048 --> 00:10:41,849
Who are the two cute puppies
in the kitchen?

247
00:10:41,851 --> 00:10:43,785
Look at you two.

248
00:10:43,787 --> 00:10:45,620
You are
the cutest little things.

249
00:10:45,622 --> 00:10:46,821
Yes, you are--

250
00:10:46,823 --> 00:10:49,590
Ooh, and this one
has an erection.

251
00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:57,832
- Jacob, don't look
directly at her.

252
00:10:57,834 --> 00:11:01,102
She's like an eclipse
with boobs.

253
00:11:01,104 --> 00:11:02,904
- Sorry, girls.

254
00:11:02,906 --> 00:11:05,473
I didn't mean to interrupt
your lovers' session.

255
00:11:05,475 --> 00:11:07,975
- Sophie, they're just here
to build a barn for chestnut.

256
00:11:07,977 --> 00:11:12,213
- Oh, sure.
Wink, wink.

257
00:11:12,215 --> 00:11:14,749
"building a barn," is that
what we're calling it now?

258
00:11:14,751 --> 00:11:16,384
Wink, wink.

259
00:11:16,386 --> 00:11:18,486
- Caroline's telling
the truth, sophie.

260
00:11:18,488 --> 00:11:19,887
It's strictly business.

261
00:11:19,889 --> 00:11:23,825
- Oh, so you're paying
for them?

262
00:11:23,827 --> 00:11:28,096
Okay.
Ooh la la.

263
00:11:28,098 --> 00:11:29,630
How much do they cost?

264
00:11:29,632 --> 00:11:32,500
Because, yeah,
I also need a barn.

265
00:11:32,502 --> 00:11:34,902
Wink, wink.

266
00:11:34,904 --> 00:11:35,903
- Well, here's
your cupcake, sophie.

267
00:11:35,905 --> 00:11:37,271
Good night.

268
00:11:37,273 --> 00:11:41,109
- Oh, but I want
to play with the puppies.

269
00:11:41,111 --> 00:11:42,310
- It's very late.

270
00:11:42,312 --> 00:11:43,411
You can come back
in the morning.

271
00:11:43,413 --> 00:11:44,979
- Oh.

272
00:11:44,981 --> 00:11:50,985
This is like when they cancelled
christmas in my village.

273
00:11:50,987 --> 00:11:54,388
Look, look at his pants.
That one misses me.

274
00:11:56,158 --> 00:11:58,426
Nighty night,
puppies.

275
00:12:02,998 --> 00:12:03,998
[cell phone chimes]

276
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,768
- That must be andy.

277
00:12:06,770 --> 00:12:09,403
Emojis?
He sent me emojis?

278
00:12:09,405 --> 00:12:11,272
All I get back
are tiny, little pictures,

279
00:12:11,274 --> 00:12:15,276
When I spent the time and energy
to write "hey"?

280
00:12:15,278 --> 00:12:18,112
- Rainbow, dollar sign, muffin.
Could be worse.

281
00:12:18,114 --> 00:12:22,016
I once got naked guy,
naked girl, tombstone.

282
00:12:22,018 --> 00:12:24,819
I wasn't sure what it meant,
but I immediately got tested.

283
00:12:33,395 --> 00:12:35,062
- Yep, chestnut, pretty soon
you'll be safe and sound,

284
00:12:35,064 --> 00:12:36,864
With a roof over your head,

285
00:12:36,866 --> 00:12:38,566
And you and I
can finally be safe

286
00:12:38,568 --> 00:12:42,870
From the unending torment
of that condom-throwing cat.

287
00:12:42,872 --> 00:12:46,040
- All ready
for my second date.

288
00:12:46,042 --> 00:12:50,211
- Slut, party of one.
Slut, party of one.

289
00:12:50,213 --> 00:12:51,546
- You know it.

290
00:12:51,548 --> 00:12:52,814
Plus, I'm taking him
to that bar

291
00:12:52,816 --> 00:12:54,749
Where only cheap girls
go to get laid.

292
00:12:54,751 --> 00:12:56,918
You know,
the one you like.

293
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,387
- Oh,
the just slip it inn?

294
00:12:59,389 --> 00:13:01,989
- And if that place
plus this outfit

295
00:13:01,991 --> 00:13:03,357
Doesn't put his pedal
to my metal,

296
00:13:03,359 --> 00:13:05,026
It's clearly
never happening.

297
00:13:05,028 --> 00:13:07,895
- Well, that outfit's sexy,
but not foolproof.

298
00:13:07,897 --> 00:13:10,932
- Oh, it's not?
Follow me, please.

299
00:13:14,203 --> 00:13:17,872
Jacob.

300
00:13:17,874 --> 00:13:19,340
And I'm not saying
I'm that hot,

301
00:13:19,342 --> 00:13:20,741
But I've never seen
anybody drop wood

302
00:13:20,743 --> 00:13:22,977
And get wood
at the same time.

303
00:13:22,979 --> 00:13:27,982
Bye, baby, mama's going
to get day-laid.

304
00:13:27,984 --> 00:13:30,084
- Hey, max.

305
00:13:30,086 --> 00:13:31,185
Would it be okay
if we take our shirts off?

306
00:13:31,187 --> 00:13:32,186
We're sweating, and--

307
00:13:32,188 --> 00:13:33,387
- Yes.

308
00:13:33,389 --> 00:13:34,822
I mean, that's--
sure, whatever.

309
00:13:34,824 --> 00:13:38,893
If you want to.

310
00:13:38,895 --> 00:13:42,597
Oh, crap.
I don't have any ones.

311
00:13:42,599 --> 00:13:44,765
- Could you spray me
with that water bottle?

312
00:13:44,767 --> 00:13:47,568
- Oh, right.
Oh, I'm going to spray you.

313
00:13:47,570 --> 00:13:49,503
Is that really what you think
is going to happen?

314
00:13:49,505 --> 00:13:51,772
I'm going to spray you, and then
I'm going to get turned on,

315
00:13:51,774 --> 00:13:54,275
And then I'll start spraying
stutter stud over there,

316
00:13:54,277 --> 00:13:55,543
And then we're all
having sex?

317
00:13:55,545 --> 00:13:57,211
- No, max.
I got him.

318
00:13:57,213 --> 00:14:03,084
Here you go, puppies.

319
00:14:03,086 --> 00:14:07,021
Oh, now I wet
the shy one.

320
00:14:09,024 --> 00:14:11,158
Oh, and, boys,
I'm going to need you

321
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:13,127
To come up here next
and fix something

322
00:14:13,129 --> 00:14:15,096
Because it broke.

323
00:14:15,098 --> 00:14:16,364
- What's broken?

324
00:14:16,366 --> 00:14:20,801
- Uh--

325
00:14:20,803 --> 00:14:23,537
[crash]

326
00:14:23,539 --> 00:14:25,306
That.

327
00:14:25,308 --> 00:14:26,340
[dance music]

328
00:14:26,342 --> 00:14:28,709
- ♪ hot

329
00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:29,944
♪ hot

330
00:14:29,946 --> 00:14:31,512
- Look at the couple
behind us.

331
00:14:31,514 --> 00:14:32,647
I mean, save some
for the men's room stall,

332
00:14:32,649 --> 00:14:35,116
Am I right?

333
00:14:35,118 --> 00:14:36,651
- I'm having
a really good time.

334
00:14:36,653 --> 00:14:37,985
- What?

335
00:14:37,987 --> 00:14:41,689
- I'm having
a really good time!

336
00:14:41,691 --> 00:14:42,890
I think
we need more drinks.

337
00:14:42,892 --> 00:14:44,325
Would you like
a jack and coke?

338
00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:46,193
Or maybe just a jack?

339
00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:55,503
[cell phone chimes]

340
00:14:55,505 --> 00:14:57,805
- Oh, no, if you're calling me,
then the date's not going well.

341
00:14:57,807 --> 00:14:59,407
- I'm not crazy, right?

342
00:14:59,409 --> 00:15:01,375
He did hunt me down and beg me
to go out with him?

343
00:15:01,377 --> 00:15:03,277
- Nothing again?

344
00:15:03,279 --> 00:15:04,979
Well, maybe he's not feeling
that place.

345
00:15:04,981 --> 00:15:06,881
- Well,
then he's the only one,

346
00:15:06,883 --> 00:15:08,582
'cause it's so horny here,
I'm about to have sex

347
00:15:08,584 --> 00:15:10,217
With the couple
at the next table,

348
00:15:10,219 --> 00:15:13,321
And they're both redheads,
which is so gross.

349
00:15:13,323 --> 00:15:15,790
- Hold on a second.
Um, hey, guys?

350
00:15:15,792 --> 00:15:17,992
- Yeah?

351
00:15:17,994 --> 00:15:20,127
- Perfect, thanks.

352
00:15:20,129 --> 00:15:22,430
- I mean, why did
he even ask me out again?

353
00:15:22,432 --> 00:15:24,432
- Well, I kind of
might have said s--

354
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:27,234
- Max!
Now I'm even more humiliated.

355
00:15:27,236 --> 00:15:29,570
You forced a gay guy
to go out with me?

356
00:15:29,572 --> 00:15:32,740
Who am I?
The girl with lupus at the prom?

357
00:15:32,742 --> 00:15:35,142
- Andy is not gay.

358
00:15:35,144 --> 00:15:36,911
He hasn't said one mean thing
about strangers

359
00:15:36,913 --> 00:15:38,579
While I've been
around him.

360
00:15:38,581 --> 00:15:41,082
- Well, then he's paralyzed
from the waist down

361
00:15:41,084 --> 00:15:43,784
And hides it
by walking.

362
00:15:43,786 --> 00:15:45,786
Okay, that's it.
I'm leaving.

363
00:15:45,788 --> 00:15:47,788
- No, don't, I'll come there.
Maybe it'll help.

364
00:15:47,790 --> 00:15:49,924
You two were really hot
when I was standing between you.

365
00:15:49,926 --> 00:15:52,626
- True.
Okay, and hurry.

366
00:15:52,628 --> 00:15:54,295
I don't want to go home
with the redheads.

367
00:15:54,297 --> 00:15:56,630
Why do they even
let them in here?

368
00:15:56,632 --> 00:15:58,933
- Leaving here is probably
a good idea anyway.

369
00:15:58,935 --> 00:16:00,668
If I stay any longer,
I'm going to do something

370
00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:04,405
I'll have to pretend
to regret.

371
00:16:04,407 --> 00:16:07,708
[dance music]

372
00:16:07,710 --> 00:16:09,076
- Whoa.

373
00:16:09,078 --> 00:16:11,545
How weird running
into you guys here.

374
00:16:11,547 --> 00:16:16,217
My favorite bar that I come to
all the time just 'cause.

375
00:16:16,219 --> 00:16:18,285
Hi, andy.
These guys are our friends.

376
00:16:18,287 --> 00:16:19,420
- We're amish.

377
00:16:19,422 --> 00:16:21,689
- Awesome band name.

378
00:16:21,691 --> 00:16:22,957
- Why did you bring them?

379
00:16:22,959 --> 00:16:24,692
- I was afraid
to leave them home.

380
00:16:24,694 --> 00:16:28,229
Sophie was running out of things
to break in her apartment.

381
00:16:28,231 --> 00:16:30,131
- So what are
you guys drinking?

382
00:16:30,133 --> 00:16:31,432
- Beer.

383
00:16:31,434 --> 00:16:32,633
Shut it, jacob,
or I will smite thee.

384
00:16:32,635 --> 00:16:34,969
- Wait,
uh, I'll go with you.

385
00:16:34,971 --> 00:16:36,203
- Fyi, I'm leaving
with the redheads

386
00:16:36,205 --> 00:16:39,573
In five minutes.

387
00:16:39,575 --> 00:16:41,709
- Hi, can I get a pitcher
of tap, please?

388
00:16:41,711 --> 00:16:44,211
- Would you like
to dance, caroline?

389
00:16:44,213 --> 00:16:47,615
- Oh, thank you.
But that is so not my thing.

390
00:16:47,617 --> 00:16:49,784
And besides,
that's not so much a dance floor

391
00:16:49,786 --> 00:16:51,786
As an std mosh pit.

392
00:16:51,788 --> 00:16:54,388
- Awesome.

393
00:16:54,390 --> 00:16:56,157
- So she called you,
right?

394
00:16:56,159 --> 00:16:58,826
I saw her talking on the phone
using lots of hand gestures.

395
00:16:58,828 --> 00:17:00,728
I figured it was
about how bad the date is.

396
00:17:00,730 --> 00:17:03,964
- Okay, I'm going to try and put
this as politely as I can,

397
00:17:03,966 --> 00:17:05,666
But what the hell
is wrong with you?

398
00:17:05,668 --> 00:17:06,801
Make a move.

399
00:17:06,803 --> 00:17:08,903
- Max, I really
like her, but...

400
00:17:08,905 --> 00:17:10,037
- What is the but?

401
00:17:10,039 --> 00:17:11,972
- But she's caroline channing.

402
00:17:11,974 --> 00:17:14,208
- And you're andy something.
So?

403
00:17:14,210 --> 00:17:16,977
- Yeah, I'm andy something
who owns a small candy store,

404
00:17:16,979 --> 00:17:18,479
And she was practically
a princess.

405
00:17:18,481 --> 00:17:21,382
- Was.
Was a princess.

406
00:17:21,384 --> 00:17:23,584
Now she has five pairs
of underwear

407
00:17:23,586 --> 00:17:27,188
And hasn't done laundry
in eight days.

408
00:17:27,190 --> 00:17:30,424
- Max, honestly, I mean,
I use those stupid emojis

409
00:17:30,426 --> 00:17:32,693
To buy time to figure out
what I wanted to say.

410
00:17:32,695 --> 00:17:33,994
That's why emojis exist.

411
00:17:33,996 --> 00:17:35,696
So guys like me
don't have to say,

412
00:17:35,698 --> 00:17:38,599
"I'm not good enough.
I sell gum."

413
00:17:38,601 --> 00:17:41,435
- She's the same girl
you met in your candy store.

414
00:17:41,437 --> 00:17:43,070
- No, she's not.

415
00:17:43,072 --> 00:17:45,673
That was just a regular,
pretty williamsburg girl.

416
00:17:45,675 --> 00:17:49,243
Now, she's refined,
rich caroline channing.

417
00:17:53,849 --> 00:17:55,850
- He thinks
you're rich and refined.

418
00:17:55,852 --> 00:17:58,352
It's a real boner blocker.
- What?

419
00:17:58,354 --> 00:18:00,421
- He found out who you were,
and he's intimidated.

420
00:18:00,423 --> 00:18:02,289
You have to act cheap
and unrefined.

421
00:18:02,291 --> 00:18:05,326
It's the only way.

422
00:18:05,328 --> 00:18:06,660
- Here we go.

423
00:18:06,662 --> 00:18:07,862
I also ordered
you guys some nachos.

424
00:18:07,864 --> 00:18:09,363
No jalapenos.

425
00:18:09,365 --> 00:18:11,365
I know
that's the devil's garnish.

426
00:18:11,367 --> 00:18:12,700
- Great, nachos.

427
00:18:12,702 --> 00:18:15,102
They're so low-rent
like me.

428
00:18:15,104 --> 00:18:18,606
But first, I'm going
to chug some draft beer

429
00:18:18,608 --> 00:18:22,543
Like I always do.

430
00:18:22,545 --> 00:18:26,013
And now
I'm gonna freak-dance.

431
00:18:26,015 --> 00:18:28,549
Slut, party of one.

432
00:18:28,551 --> 00:18:32,553
Come on, jacob.
I'm going to tear that ass up.

433
00:18:32,555 --> 00:18:35,556
- Y-y-you are?

434
00:18:35,558 --> 00:18:43,631
♪

435
00:18:46,968 --> 00:18:50,104
- See?
That's not special at all.

436
00:19:02,050 --> 00:19:03,417
- Oh, my god!

437
00:19:03,419 --> 00:19:04,652
Call the paramedics.

438
00:19:04,654 --> 00:19:06,787
I danced an amish boy
to death.

439
00:19:09,157 --> 00:19:11,859
[siren wails]

440
00:19:14,129 --> 00:19:16,797
[siren wails]

441
00:19:16,799 --> 00:19:19,733
Look at poor jacob.
I feel awful.

442
00:19:19,735 --> 00:19:22,736
- It was just panic attack
coupled with his first orgasm.

443
00:19:22,738 --> 00:19:24,905
Paramedics said
he'll be fine.

444
00:19:24,907 --> 00:19:26,473
I think
that's what they said.

445
00:19:26,475 --> 00:19:28,175
It was hard to hear
over all their laughing.

446
00:19:28,177 --> 00:19:31,979
[cell phone chimes]

447
00:19:31,981 --> 00:19:34,348
- More emojis
from andy.

448
00:19:34,350 --> 00:19:38,152
Christmas tree, fireworks,
martini glass.

449
00:19:38,154 --> 00:19:39,520
Okay, that's it.
I'm done.

450
00:19:39,522 --> 00:19:43,424
- Well,
here he comes.

451
00:19:43,426 --> 00:19:45,092
- What is this
supposed to mean?

452
00:19:45,094 --> 00:19:46,760
- Oh, that?
That means...

453
00:19:53,134 --> 00:19:55,769
- I love emojis.

454
00:19:55,771 --> 00:19:59,807
- I think my work here
is done.

455
00:19:59,809 --> 00:20:02,776
- Max, I'm going to go
with jacob in that thing

456
00:20:02,778 --> 00:20:04,044
We wouldn't let take
our grandmother.

457
00:20:04,046 --> 00:20:06,380
And I just wanted
to say good-bye

458
00:20:06,382 --> 00:20:07,514
And thank you
for everything.

459
00:20:07,516 --> 00:20:09,316
- Well,
you built us a barn,

460
00:20:09,318 --> 00:20:11,185
We almost killed your friend--
I'd say we're even.

461
00:20:11,187 --> 00:20:13,354
- Well, jacob says
he's going to go home,

462
00:20:13,356 --> 00:20:14,655
But I met this girl
in the bar

463
00:20:14,657 --> 00:20:16,390
Whose roommate
overdosed yesterday,

464
00:20:16,392 --> 00:20:18,859
So there's a spare room,
and I've decided to stay.

465
00:20:18,861 --> 00:20:20,561
- Cool.

466
00:20:20,563 --> 00:20:22,896
- So got any words
of wisdom

467
00:20:22,898 --> 00:20:24,698
For a kid trying to make it
in the world?

468
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:27,368
- No, do you?

469
00:20:27,370 --> 00:20:30,237
Look, just know you're going
to struggle for a while.

470
00:20:30,239 --> 00:20:31,505
Someone's going to ask you
what time it is,

471
00:20:31,507 --> 00:20:32,906
And when you look
at your watch,

472
00:20:32,908 --> 00:20:35,042
He's going to put
his penis on you.

473
00:20:35,044 --> 00:20:37,645
But like dan savage says,
it gets better.

474
00:20:37,647 --> 00:20:39,213
Although
it hasn't for me,

475
00:20:39,215 --> 00:20:41,415
So maybe that only applies
to questioning teens.

476
00:20:41,417 --> 00:20:43,817
In short, there's really
no point to anything,

477
00:20:43,819 --> 00:20:45,886
But sometimes, you get
to eat candy or have sex,

478
00:20:45,888 --> 00:20:49,690
And that's
when it all feels right.

479
00:20:49,692 --> 00:20:51,592
[cat mews]

480
00:20:51,594 --> 00:20:54,561
Oh, no.

481
00:20:54,563 --> 00:20:57,831
Caroline, the cat.

482
00:20:57,833 --> 00:21:02,002
I'm on my own.
Fine.

483
00:21:02,004 --> 00:21:05,773
Oh, no, you bastard,
not tonight.

484
00:21:05,775 --> 00:21:08,008
It is not going down
tonight.

485
00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:10,244
[cat hisses]

486
00:21:10,246 --> 00:21:12,746
All right,
you win this one.

487
00:21:12,748 --> 00:21:15,816
[squeals]

488
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,521
[cash register bell dings]