- Hey.
- What are you doing back so early?
Did chestnut forget his wallet?
- No, we saw that cat we don't like.
I tried to spray it with a water bottle,
But it just laughed at us, so we ran.
What are you doing out here?
- Enjoying the day.
The coming of autumn is my favorite time of year.
I love the leaves.
Oh, gross! A condom!
- Wow, I guess autumn really is coming.
- Who would throw that over our wall?
- That cat. What?
He's not only arrogant,
He wants us to know he has sex.
All I know is, if I had nine lives,
I wouldn't wear a condom.
- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
- Hey, you know, we should start figuring out
What to do with chestnut this winter,
Now that it's already peak condom dropping season.
- You're right, chestnut is the most important thing.
But more importantly, what do you think
Of this vintage sweater I chose for my date with andy?
- It's nice.
But won't it be hard to pull off over your head in the cab?
I'm assuming you'll do it in a cab.
- Max, it's a first date. That's not appropriate.
Is it?
I mean, I've never dated poor.
What is acceptable on a first date?
- Well, I'm pretty classy, so anal?
- I'm not that poor.
- Well, you better give him something
To keep him interested because he owns a candy store,
And I want free candy forever.
[knock at door]
- There he is.
Can you bring him out in the yard,
So he can see me in my sweater next to my horse?
- Okay, freak.
But next time a guy comes knocking for me,
You have to take him to my bedroom,
So he can see me in my slayer shirt
Next to my glo worm filled with pot.
- Hello, sir, I'm here to pick up your daughter.
- And what exactly are your intentions?
- I don't know.
Maybe take her on a romantic hayride,
Knock her out with chloroform,
And sell her kidney for a new ipad.
- Son!
Come outside.
Miss channing wants you to see her
Looking like the girl who got cut
From the j. Crew catalog for being too white.
- Miss channing? Max, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Caroline is caroline channing caroline channing?
- Yeah, she used to be a billionaire,
But now all her money is in here.
[coins rattling]
Oh, wait, some of these are buttons.
- Oh. Okay.
Yeah, I just thought she was a regular williamsburg girl.
- No. She doesn't try that hard.
And I was wrong.
- Oh, hi. I didn't hear you knock.
- Well, you two have a good time.
And, young man, if you don't swing by your store
And bring me some pixie sticks,
You'll never see my little girl again.
- Way ahead of you.
- Yes!
Yeah, definitely anal.
- Oh, baby.
Look who's a half hour late for work.
Must have been a pretty hot date with the candy man.
So did you touch his whatchamacallit?
Did you bring him to almond joy?
- His butterfingers got nowhere near my mounds.
Now, if we could be adults for a second--
- Well, your mounds are more like sno-caps,
But continue.
- Well, nothing happened.
Even after four hours of me breathing heavily and saying...
[seductively] "I'm having a really good time."
Look, I don't want to be this girl, but I think--
Think he might be gay.
- He's gay because he's not turned on
By four hours of coffee breath?
[bell dings]
- What's up?
- [seductively] I'm having a really good time.
- I must go to the men's room right now.
- That proves nothing.
Oleg is always looking for an excuse
To put it somewhere.
Why do you think we don't serve bagels anymore?
Andy is not gay.
And I'm not just setting you up for a life of confusing,
Self-questioning non-sex for the free candy,
Although that does sound like me.
He is really into you.
- He might be into me,
But he doesn't seem to want to get into me.
Maybe he just wants me as a friend.
- No way.
You are, like, 80 pounds and a coke addiction shy
From being qualified to be a gay guy's female friend.
- What's so important you two have to be in here
Gabbing like schoolgirls when there are customers waiting?
- If you must know,
Caroline and I were discussing if someone we know is gay.
- I once had
A homosexual experience in college.
- With another girl?
- No, there was a boy who was interested in me.
He was captain of the football team.
He would come to my dorm room
And ask me to do his homework,
And then he would leave.
Oh. Never mind.
I never had a homosexual experience.
- Keep wearing those sweaters, han.
It'll happen.
And if you think your life sucks now,
It just got worse.
Look, a new hipster strain. Ironic amish.
No way.
I'm taking care of these two butter churners right now.
Look, I'm telling you what I told mumford and sons,
Get out.
Go. Go, you hipster amish wannabes.
- But we really are amish.
- Yes, we're here on rumspringa.
- And I'm here on a little bit of vodka.
- It's sort of like what you might call spring break.
We get to leave the ways of the amish
And experience the modern world.
- Well, I beggeth thy forgiveness.
Haveth a seat-eth in the booth-eth.
Have a seat in the booth.
Earl, I got two amish in my booth.
- Well, you let them know right up front
That we don't accept travelers checks or livestock.
- So amish, huh?
- Yes, ma'am. From pennsylvania.
- "ma'am"?
You know what, that's kind of hot.
I always thought I'd have to wait
20 more years to be a cougar, but, rawr, here I am.
Why don't I bring you boys some coffee, on me?
- We can't drink coffee, ma'am.
Coffee is the devil in a cup.
- We can do whatever we want, jacob, we're in new york.
- Yeah, jacob. Listen to, uh--
- Jebediah. - For real?
- Did you see the size of her nursers?
- Those guys are for real amish.
- I love the amish culture.
- You love every culture.
You salute the flags at ihop when we walk by.
- Oh, my god. That's it.
Max, question. What are the amish known for?
- Oh, no. It's sixth grade all over again.
Just give me an "f" and move on.
- Barns. They build barns, and we--
- We need a barn for chestnut.
Come on. And let me do the talking.
I am very good at manipulating young boys.
I once got a ten-year-old I was babysitting
To buy me a box of pop-tarts with his allowance.
- So this is our place. Not much, but--
You have so many possessions. Are you rich, ma'am?
- Yes.
And I have to say, this "ma'am" thing
Is still working for me.
- Um, okay, jacob. That's enough with the lights.
There will be plenty of time for fun with electricity tomorrow,
But it's late.
Let's discuss sleeping arrangements.
You two can sleep out here,
And max and I will sleep in her bed.
Does that work for you?
Both: Okay.
- Oh, sorry. I left my bra.
- Your-- your b-b-bra?
- Jacob, stop acting like a child.
I'm sorry about him.
- Don't be.
At least it was her bra.
Mine would have killed the kid.
- So I was thinking we could drive our truck
To my uncle's lumberyard in the morning
And get the wood for the barn.
- Okay, but there seems to be plenty of wood right here.
- Oh, hello.
- Don't be embarrassed, jacob.
It's perfectly natural when you're exposed to new things.
The first time I saw a picture of those fat twins on scooters,
I was hard for days.
- Why don't you two go outside and play with the horse?
Both: Okay.
- And thank you for letting us stay at your place.
Your home is dope.
- You don't even know what that means, jebediah.
- It's hipster talk, jacob, and it's awesome.
- Are we sure this is a good idea?
You saw how turned on he was.
He was practically raising a barn in his pants.
- We're fine, they're fine.
Just a typical male reaction
To a couple of hot cougars like us.
Rawr. Rawr.
- You know what isn't a typical male reaction?
Not calling or texting a girl you're interested in.
- Well, why don't you just text andy, then?
- What should I text?
"why so gay, question mark"?
- I don't know.
The only thing I've ever texted to a guy is,
"there's a cop behind you, walk past me."
Just say "hey."
- Okay. I can do that.
"hey."
Huh, it autocorrected to "gay."
Even the phone's getting that vibe.
There, sent it. "hey."
- Do you think I could grab a beer?
- Yes. - No.
- Look, they're working for us for free.
One beer each. - Awesome, awesome, awesome.
- Max, you can't give underage kids beer in our home.
- Why? Isn't that what love is?
- Jebediah, beer is the devil's saliva.
[knock at door]
- Neighbors come a-calling after midnight in williamsburg?
Where is this william?
I'd like to compliment him on his burg.
- Hi, girls, I just came down for a cupcake--
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hold on.
Who are the two cute puppies in the kitchen?
Look at you two.
You are the cutest little things.
Yes, you are--
Ooh, and this one has an erection.
- Jacob, don't look directly at her.
She's like an eclipse with boobs.
- Sorry, girls.
I didn't mean to interrupt your lovers' session.
- Sophie, they're just here to build a barn for chestnut.
- Oh, sure. Wink, wink.
"building a barn," is that what we're calling it now?
Wink, wink.
- Caroline's telling the truth, sophie.
It's strictly business.
- Oh, so you're paying for them?
Okay. Ooh la la.
How much do they cost?
Because, yeah, I also need a barn.
Wink, wink.
- Well, here's your cupcake, sophie.
Good night.
- Oh, but I want to play with the puppies.
- It's very late.
You can come back in the morning.
- Oh.
This is like when they cancelled christmas in my village.
Look, look at his pants. That one misses me.
Nighty night, puppies.
[cell phone chimes]
- That must be andy.
Emojis? He sent me emojis?
All I get back are tiny, little pictures,
When I spent the time and energy to write "hey"?
- Rainbow, dollar sign, muffin. Could be worse.
I once got naked guy, naked girl, tombstone.
I wasn't sure what it meant, but I immediately got tested.
- Yep, chestnut, pretty soon you'll be safe and sound,
With a roof over your head,
And you and I can finally be safe
From the unending torment of that condom-throwing cat.
- All ready for my second date.
- Slut, party of one. Slut, party of one.
- You know it.
Plus, I'm taking him to that bar
Where only cheap girls go to get laid.
You know, the one you like.
- Oh, the just slip it inn?
- And if that place plus this outfit
Doesn't put his pedal to my metal,
It's clearly never happening.
- Well, that outfit's sexy, but not foolproof.
- Oh, it's not? Follow me, please.
Jacob.
And I'm not saying I'm that hot,
But I've never seen anybody drop wood
And get wood at the same time.
Bye, baby, mama's going to get day-laid.
- Hey, max.
Would it be okay if we take our shirts off?
We're sweating, and--
- Yes.
I mean, that's-- sure, whatever.
If you want to.
Oh, crap. I don't have any ones.
- Could you spray me with that water bottle?
- Oh, right. Oh, I'm going to spray you.
Is that really what you think is going to happen?
I'm going to spray you, and then I'm going to get turned on,
And then I'll start spraying stutter stud over there,
And then we're all having sex?
- No, max. I got him.
Here you go, puppies.
Oh, now I wet the shy one.
Oh, and, boys, I'm going to need you
To come up here next and fix something
Because it broke.
- What's broken?
- Uh--
[crash]
That.
[dance music]
- ♪ hot
♪ hot
- Look at the couple behind us.
I mean, save some for the men's room stall,
Am I right?
- I'm having a really good time.
- What?
- I'm having a really good time!
I think we need more drinks.
Would you like a jack and coke?
Or maybe just a jack?
[cell phone chimes]
- Oh, no, if you're calling me, then the date's not going well.
- I'm not crazy, right?
He did hunt me down and beg me to go out with him?
- Nothing again?
Well, maybe he's not feeling that place.
- Well, then he's the only one,
'cause it's so horny here, I'm about to have sex
With the couple at the next table,
And they're both redheads, which is so gross.
- Hold on a second. Um, hey, guys?
- Yeah?
- Perfect, thanks.
- I mean, why did he even ask me out again?
- Well, I kind of might have said s--
- Max! Now I'm even more humiliated.
You forced a gay guy to go out with me?
Who am I? The girl with lupus at the prom?
- Andy is not gay.
He hasn't said one mean thing about strangers
While I've been around him.
- Well, then he's paralyzed from the waist down
And hides it by walking.
Okay, that's it. I'm leaving.
- No, don't, I'll come there. Maybe it'll help.
You two were really hot when I was standing between you.
- True. Okay, and hurry.
I don't want to go home with the redheads.
Why do they even let them in here?
- Leaving here is probably a good idea anyway.
If I stay any longer, I'm going to do something
I'll have to pretend to regret.
[dance music]
- Whoa.
How weird running into you guys here.
My favorite bar that I come to all the time just 'cause.
Hi, andy. These guys are our friends.
- We're amish.
- Awesome band name.
- Why did you bring them?
- I was afraid to leave them home.
Sophie was running out of things to break in her apartment.
- So what are you guys drinking?
- Beer.
Shut it, jacob, or I will smite thee.
- Wait, uh, I'll go with you.
- Fyi, I'm leaving with the redheads
In five minutes.
- Hi, can I get a pitcher of tap, please?
- Would you like to dance, caroline?
- Oh, thank you. But that is so not my thing.
And besides, that's not so much a dance floor
As an std mosh pit.
- Awesome.
- So she called you, right?
I saw her talking on the phone using lots of hand gestures.
I figured it was about how bad the date is.
- Okay, I'm going to try and put this as politely as I can,
But what the hell is wrong with you?
Make a move.
- Max, I really like her, but...
- What is the but?
- But she's caroline channing.
- And you're andy something. So?
- Yeah, I'm andy something who owns a small candy store,
And she was practically a princess.
- Was. Was a princess.
Now she has five pairs of underwear
And hasn't done laundry in eight days.
- Max, honestly, I mean, I use those stupid emojis
To buy time to figure out what I wanted to say.
That's why emojis exist.
So guys like me don't have to say,
"I'm not good enough. I sell gum."
- She's the same girl you met in your candy store.
- No, she's not.
That was just a regular, pretty williamsburg girl.
Now, she's refined, rich caroline channing.
- He thinks you're rich and refined.
It's a real boner blocker. - What?
- He found out who you were, and he's intimidated.
You have to act cheap and unrefined.
It's the only way.
- Here we go.
I also ordered you guys some nachos.
No jalapenos.
I know that's the devil's garnish.
- Great, nachos.
They're so low-rent like me.
But first, I'm going to chug some draft beer
Like I always do.
And now I'm gonna freak-dance.
Slut, party of one.
Come on, jacob. I'm going to tear that ass up.
- Y-y-you are?
♪
- See? That's not special at all.
- Oh, my god!
Call the paramedics.
I danced an amish boy to death.
[siren wails]
Look at poor jacob. I feel awful.
- It was just panic attack coupled with his first orgasm.
Paramedics said he'll be fine.
I think that's what they said.
It was hard to hear over all their laughing.
[cell phone chimes]
- More emojis from andy.
Christmas tree, fireworks, martini glass.
Okay, that's it. I'm done.
- Well, here he comes.
- What is this supposed to mean?
- Oh, that? That means...
- I love emojis.
- I think my work here is done.
- Max, I'm going to go with jacob in that thing
We wouldn't let take our grandmother.
And I just wanted to say good-bye
And thank you for everything.
- Well, you built us a barn,
We almost killed your friend-- I'd say we're even.
- Well, jacob says he's going to go home,
But I met this girl in the bar
Whose roommate overdosed yesterday,
So there's a spare room, and I've decided to stay.
- Cool.
- So got any words of wisdom
For a kid trying to make it in the world?
- No, do you?
Look, just know you're going to struggle for a while.
Someone's going to ask you what time it is,
And when you look at your watch,
He's going to put his penis on you.
But like dan savage says, it gets better.
Although it hasn't for me,
So maybe that only applies to questioning teens.
In short, there's really no point to anything,
But sometimes, you get to eat candy or have sex,
And that's when it all feels right.
[cat mews]
Oh, no.
Caroline, the cat.
I'm on my own. Fine.
Oh, no, you bastard, not tonight.
It is not going down tonight.
[cat hisses]
All right, you win this one.
[squeals]
[cash register bell dings]