1 00:00:02,111 --> 00:00:03,879 - Look at all these people 2 00:00:03,881 --> 00:00:05,380 Just sitting here and not tipping, 3 00:00:05,382 --> 00:00:06,848 Working on their computers. 4 00:00:06,850 --> 00:00:08,283 This guy has a brand-new apple. 5 00:00:08,285 --> 00:00:11,219 I've been eating the same apple for a week. 6 00:00:11,221 --> 00:00:13,021 I blame steve jobs. 7 00:00:13,023 --> 00:00:17,292 - These people are more like steve-I-have-no-jobs. 8 00:00:17,294 --> 00:00:20,595 All right, that's it. 9 00:00:20,597 --> 00:00:22,497 Earl, I need to get the wireless router. 10 00:00:22,499 --> 00:00:24,933 - Oh, is that what this is? 11 00:00:24,935 --> 00:00:28,637 I thought it was a cookie-warmer. 12 00:00:29,772 --> 00:00:31,773 - Attention deadbeat diners. 13 00:00:31,775 --> 00:00:33,575 You can't just sit here all night 14 00:00:33,577 --> 00:00:34,609 And only order coffee. 15 00:00:34,611 --> 00:00:36,545 This is not a starbucks. 16 00:00:36,547 --> 00:00:38,413 And I know that because we don't sell 17 00:00:38,415 --> 00:00:41,650 Norah jones cds or bananas. 18 00:00:41,652 --> 00:00:44,486 This is the router for the free wi-fi. 19 00:00:44,488 --> 00:00:47,189 And that is a waitress who needs to make some tips. 20 00:00:47,191 --> 00:00:49,591 - Seriously, guys, I need actual cash. 21 00:00:49,593 --> 00:00:52,060 This guy just offered to pay me in ideas. 22 00:00:52,062 --> 00:00:55,230 - If I pull this plug, the internet will go down. 23 00:00:55,232 --> 00:00:57,632 And you--that sad email you're in the middle of writing 24 00:00:57,634 --> 00:00:58,867 To your ex-boyfriend, 25 00:00:58,869 --> 00:01:00,769 The one you shouldn't send anyway--gone. 26 00:01:00,771 --> 00:01:02,003 And you-- 27 00:01:02,005 --> 00:01:03,872 That vaguely pornographic anime film 28 00:01:03,874 --> 00:01:05,073 You've been illegally downloading 29 00:01:05,075 --> 00:01:07,275 For the past three hours-- gone. 30 00:01:07,277 --> 00:01:09,544 And you--that screenplay you've been writing, 31 00:01:09,546 --> 00:01:11,813 You can keep working on it, but we all know how it ends: 32 00:01:11,815 --> 00:01:14,816 With you moving back in with your mother. 33 00:01:14,818 --> 00:01:17,719 - Now, who's gonna order? 34 00:01:17,721 --> 00:01:19,688 - Great, I'll go get some menus. 35 00:01:19,690 --> 00:01:21,256 Here, caroline, put this back. 36 00:01:21,258 --> 00:01:22,891 [all gasp] 37 00:01:22,893 --> 00:01:26,695 - Ooh, my cookie-warmer. 38 00:01:26,697 --> 00:01:29,131 - ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 39 00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:30,499 [cash register bell dings] 40 00:01:30,501 --> 00:01:34,169 ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 41 00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:46,314 - [overlapping chatter, laughter] 42 00:01:46,316 --> 00:01:48,950 - Table ten just ordered cocktails. 43 00:01:48,952 --> 00:01:51,820 Yeah, 'cause we're that kind of a place. 44 00:01:51,822 --> 00:01:54,356 Does anyone know how to make sex on the beach? 45 00:01:54,358 --> 00:01:55,757 - Easy. 46 00:01:55,759 --> 00:01:58,426 I put on my speedo and wait. 47 00:01:59,996 --> 00:02:03,398 [shrill laughter] 48 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,433 - Those girls have been drinking for hours. 49 00:02:05,435 --> 00:02:09,504 Just press every button on the gun and add rum. 50 00:02:09,506 --> 00:02:11,673 [laughter] 51 00:02:11,675 --> 00:02:14,009 - Look at them. Not a care in the world. 52 00:02:14,011 --> 00:02:15,310 Having a great time. 53 00:02:15,312 --> 00:02:16,545 I hate them. - I hate them, too. 54 00:02:16,547 --> 00:02:17,846 - I hate them more. 55 00:02:17,848 --> 00:02:18,847 - I hate that you hate them more. 56 00:02:18,849 --> 00:02:19,948 - So jealous. 57 00:02:19,950 --> 00:02:23,118 [both cackling] 58 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:27,923 - [laughs mockingly] 59 00:02:29,959 --> 00:02:32,060 - Okay, ready for party of four. 60 00:02:32,062 --> 00:02:33,795 - Excuse me. Pardon me. 61 00:02:33,797 --> 00:02:37,332 Excuse me. 62 00:02:39,135 --> 00:02:40,569 - Hey, baby! 63 00:02:40,571 --> 00:02:41,636 Looking good. 64 00:02:41,638 --> 00:02:42,837 - Mm, always. 65 00:02:42,839 --> 00:02:45,540 I'll be in my booth. 66 00:02:48,277 --> 00:02:51,112 - Sophie, you cannot take up a whole booth alone. 67 00:02:51,114 --> 00:02:54,049 There are people waiting. You must leave. 68 00:02:54,051 --> 00:02:57,886 - Go stand in the corner now! 69 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,861 Before I bend you across my knee and spank you 70 00:03:06,863 --> 00:03:09,130 In front of the whole class. 71 00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:15,270 - Well, I was going to stand in the corner anyway. 72 00:03:15,272 --> 00:03:18,206 But tomorrow night, smaller table. 73 00:03:18,208 --> 00:03:21,443 - Go stand in the corner now! 74 00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:26,581 - Okay, I'm over being jealous of them. 75 00:03:26,583 --> 00:03:28,049 [high-pitched laughter] 76 00:03:28,051 --> 00:03:29,718 Still? What are they-- 77 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:34,789 Sitting on vibrators? 78 00:03:37,126 --> 00:03:38,460 - Let it go. 79 00:03:38,462 --> 00:03:40,295 They're not having that good of a time. 80 00:03:40,297 --> 00:03:42,864 - No, max, we're not having that good of a time. 81 00:03:42,866 --> 00:03:44,266 All we do is work. 82 00:03:44,268 --> 00:03:45,467 When's the last time we took a day 83 00:03:45,469 --> 00:03:46,601 And just had fun? 84 00:03:46,603 --> 00:03:49,771 [both cackling] 85 00:03:49,773 --> 00:03:51,539 I mean, those two idiots remind me 86 00:03:51,541 --> 00:03:53,308 How much fun it was when I'd go out to lunch 87 00:03:53,310 --> 00:03:55,043 And have cocktails with my girlfriends 88 00:03:55,045 --> 00:03:57,579 And watch them pretend to eat. 89 00:03:57,581 --> 00:03:59,547 - I think you're talking about day-drinking, 90 00:03:59,549 --> 00:04:02,017 And I think I like it. 91 00:04:02,019 --> 00:04:04,386 All right, let's do something fun. 92 00:04:04,388 --> 00:04:06,154 [accent] I'll put on my bolo tie and my best vest 93 00:04:06,156 --> 00:04:09,124 And take my girl out to eat. 94 00:04:11,227 --> 00:04:13,862 - So, what is this lunch spot you're taking me to? 95 00:04:13,864 --> 00:04:15,163 Is it french? 96 00:04:15,165 --> 00:04:16,197 Do you think the chef will send 97 00:04:16,199 --> 00:04:17,532 An amuse-bouche to the table? 98 00:04:17,534 --> 00:04:19,334 - No, but this morning I shaved 99 00:04:19,336 --> 00:04:22,337 A smiley face into my bouche, and it's very amusing. 100 00:04:22,339 --> 00:04:23,405 - You know what? 101 00:04:23,407 --> 00:04:25,073 It's just so fun to get dressed up 102 00:04:25,075 --> 00:04:27,008 And have someone wait on us for a change. 103 00:04:27,010 --> 00:04:29,944 I even bought new panty hose from dooahnay rayahdey. 104 00:04:29,946 --> 00:04:33,248 - You mean duane reade? 105 00:04:33,250 --> 00:04:35,417 - Oh, is that how you pronounce it? 106 00:04:35,419 --> 00:04:37,252 - Well, we're here. Better get in line. 107 00:04:37,254 --> 00:04:40,422 - Oh, there's a line. Popular place. 108 00:04:40,424 --> 00:04:41,856 What's the name? 109 00:04:41,858 --> 00:04:44,592 "soup kitchen." that's a cute name. 110 00:04:44,594 --> 00:04:46,094 Very williamsburg. 111 00:04:46,096 --> 00:04:47,762 Like, "let's take our upscale urban bistro 112 00:04:47,764 --> 00:04:48,963 "and make it seem like it's just a soup kitchen 113 00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:50,065 "open to everyone, 114 00:04:50,067 --> 00:04:52,734 But it's not really a soup kitchen." 115 00:04:52,736 --> 00:04:56,237 Oh, that's nice. They let them use the bathroom. 116 00:04:56,239 --> 00:04:59,407 And sit at a table. 117 00:04:59,409 --> 00:05:01,976 Oh, my god! This is really a soup kitchen. 118 00:05:01,978 --> 00:05:03,945 This is your idea of treating me to lunch? 119 00:05:03,947 --> 00:05:04,946 We're not homeless. 120 00:05:04,948 --> 00:05:07,248 - No, but we are soup-less. 121 00:05:07,250 --> 00:05:11,353 And it's not just homeless people who eat here. 122 00:05:11,355 --> 00:05:15,156 Okay, maybe they're the target audience. 123 00:05:15,158 --> 00:05:16,991 Look, there's a lot of other people 124 00:05:16,993 --> 00:05:18,560 Who can't afford to go out to eat. 125 00:05:18,562 --> 00:05:19,627 - You're right. 126 00:05:19,629 --> 00:05:21,296 Why are there so many hipsters here? 127 00:05:21,298 --> 00:05:22,997 - Because this place isn't just for people 128 00:05:22,999 --> 00:05:24,165 Who don't have jobs, 129 00:05:24,167 --> 00:05:26,468 It's for people who don't want them. 130 00:05:26,470 --> 00:05:28,503 - Well, it does smell good. 131 00:05:28,505 --> 00:05:30,672 Excuse me. 132 00:05:30,674 --> 00:05:32,107 We'd like to take a look at your lunch menu. 133 00:05:32,109 --> 00:05:33,708 - Menu changes every day. 134 00:05:33,710 --> 00:05:35,777 Also, there is no menu. 135 00:05:35,779 --> 00:05:37,245 There's, like, four things. 136 00:05:37,247 --> 00:05:39,681 - Oh, okay. So what do you recommend? 137 00:05:39,683 --> 00:05:41,683 - Oh, what do I recommend? 138 00:05:41,685 --> 00:05:44,886 Don't share needles, and and use condoms. 139 00:05:44,888 --> 00:05:46,554 But you didn't hear that last one from me. 140 00:05:46,556 --> 00:05:49,891 - Are nuns even allowed to be sarcastic? 141 00:05:49,893 --> 00:05:52,327 - If they are, I have some serious thinking to do 142 00:05:52,329 --> 00:05:55,029 About my future. 143 00:06:02,004 --> 00:06:03,838 - This sloppy joe is the most amazing 144 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:06,074 Terrible thing I've ever eaten. 145 00:06:06,076 --> 00:06:08,810 - [muffled] I love that it's basically pre-chewed, 146 00:06:08,812 --> 00:06:11,980 So all you really have to do is swallow. 147 00:06:11,982 --> 00:06:13,648 So good, I used to have these 148 00:06:13,650 --> 00:06:15,250 Every day when I was a kid. 149 00:06:15,252 --> 00:06:16,751 - Well, then I guess your childhood 150 00:06:16,753 --> 00:06:18,620 Wasn't all that bad. - Mm. 151 00:06:18,622 --> 00:06:20,655 We couldn't afford the real manwich mix, 152 00:06:20,657 --> 00:06:23,091 So my mom's boyfriend, dirty carl, 153 00:06:23,093 --> 00:06:25,393 Used to bring us leftover meat scraps 154 00:06:25,395 --> 00:06:27,462 And then bash 'em together with old ketchup packets 155 00:06:27,464 --> 00:06:29,631 He'd found in cars at the junkyard. 156 00:06:29,633 --> 00:06:31,232 - Now I understand why you think 157 00:06:31,234 --> 00:06:33,435 This is a nice restaurant. 158 00:06:33,437 --> 00:06:35,770 - Have you noticed the more you drink, 159 00:06:35,772 --> 00:06:37,071 The better this place gets? 160 00:06:37,073 --> 00:06:38,606 - I've noticed the more I drink, 161 00:06:38,608 --> 00:06:40,275 The better everything gets. 162 00:06:40,277 --> 00:06:42,110 Why don't we drink every day? 163 00:06:42,112 --> 00:06:44,746 - Some of we do. 164 00:06:44,748 --> 00:06:46,381 - I'm having a great time. 165 00:06:46,383 --> 00:06:47,615 Thank you, max. 166 00:06:47,617 --> 00:06:48,817 - Well, yesterday, 167 00:06:48,819 --> 00:06:50,151 You were so bummed about your life, 168 00:06:50,153 --> 00:06:51,186 I thought I'd take you somewhere 169 00:06:51,188 --> 00:06:52,654 You could feel good about yourself. 170 00:06:52,656 --> 00:06:55,924 - Okay, I've been wanting to say this the whole time. 171 00:06:55,926 --> 00:06:59,627 I feel like we're the hottest people in this room. 172 00:06:59,629 --> 00:07:01,596 Is that terrible? - Yes. 173 00:07:01,598 --> 00:07:03,164 [both laughing] 174 00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:05,166 [both gasp] 175 00:07:05,168 --> 00:07:08,636 Both: Speaking of hot people... 176 00:07:08,638 --> 00:07:10,071 - Wait. 177 00:07:10,073 --> 00:07:13,007 Are we drunk or do we finally have one brain 178 00:07:13,009 --> 00:07:15,410 And the same taste in guys? - I don't know, 179 00:07:15,412 --> 00:07:18,413 But this is suddenly my new favorite restaurant. 180 00:07:18,415 --> 00:07:20,381 Let's go get ourselves some of that man-wich. 181 00:07:20,383 --> 00:07:22,884 - I kind of like "drunk caroline" way more 182 00:07:22,886 --> 00:07:24,419 Than the other caroline. 183 00:07:24,421 --> 00:07:26,287 - I kind of like her better, too. 184 00:07:26,289 --> 00:07:27,522 [laughter] 185 00:07:27,524 --> 00:07:28,723 - [clears throat] 186 00:07:28,725 --> 00:07:30,191 Excuse me, sisters. 187 00:07:30,193 --> 00:07:31,426 Do you know the guy who just came in here? 188 00:07:31,428 --> 00:07:34,696 - The cute one. - He's so cute, right? 189 00:07:34,698 --> 00:07:35,830 - His name is andy, and he just opened 190 00:07:35,832 --> 00:07:37,232 A candy store across the way. 191 00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:39,200 - Shut up! Candy? 192 00:07:39,202 --> 00:07:41,469 I love candy. 193 00:07:41,471 --> 00:07:43,571 Question: 194 00:07:43,573 --> 00:07:45,540 What would make this day even better? 195 00:07:45,542 --> 00:07:48,576 - Candy? 196 00:07:48,578 --> 00:07:50,812 - You should totally go for the hot guy. 197 00:07:50,814 --> 00:07:52,280 - Or you can go for him. 198 00:07:52,282 --> 00:07:53,548 Let's think about this. 199 00:07:53,550 --> 00:07:54,916 He's clean and not a drug addict, 200 00:07:54,918 --> 00:07:56,618 So he's more my type. 201 00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:59,454 - Well, he's got a store full of candy and a penis, 202 00:07:59,456 --> 00:08:01,556 So he's more my type. 203 00:08:01,558 --> 00:08:02,790 You know what? 204 00:08:02,792 --> 00:08:04,826 Go for it. You've got dibs. 205 00:08:04,828 --> 00:08:07,562 - Aww, that's so nice of you, max. 206 00:08:07,564 --> 00:08:09,631 - Yeah, and while you're doing him in the back room, 207 00:08:09,633 --> 00:08:11,866 I'll be pocketing some candy. 208 00:08:11,868 --> 00:08:14,669 - Oh, no. It's closed. 209 00:08:14,671 --> 00:08:16,971 Hey, max, you know what'd be fun? 210 00:08:16,973 --> 00:08:19,674 - If we threw that trash can through the front window? 211 00:08:19,676 --> 00:08:21,976 - I was gonna say we should leave him a note. 212 00:08:21,978 --> 00:08:23,144 And what would be fun about throwing that can 213 00:08:23,146 --> 00:08:24,212 Through a window? 214 00:08:24,214 --> 00:08:27,549 - Have you ever done it? It's fun! 215 00:08:27,551 --> 00:08:29,250 Oh, the sign's turned around. 216 00:08:29,252 --> 00:08:31,252 He can see us. 217 00:08:31,254 --> 00:08:33,488 He's smiling at us. - [giggles] 218 00:08:33,490 --> 00:08:35,390 Should we go in? 219 00:08:35,392 --> 00:08:36,858 - If I learned anything as a child, 220 00:08:36,860 --> 00:08:38,393 It's when a stranger offers you candy, 221 00:08:38,395 --> 00:08:39,928 You say yes. 222 00:08:41,764 --> 00:08:43,231 - Hi. 223 00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:45,199 We thought the sign said you were closed. 224 00:08:45,201 --> 00:08:48,703 - Yeah, I turned it around. I wanted you guys to come in. 225 00:08:48,705 --> 00:08:50,405 [gene wilder singing pure imagination] 226 00:08:50,407 --> 00:08:52,073 - ♪ come with me 227 00:08:52,075 --> 00:08:53,875 ♪ and you'll be 228 00:08:53,877 --> 00:08:58,079 ♪ in world of pure imagination ♪ 229 00:08:58,081 --> 00:08:59,581 - If this isn't your thing, 230 00:08:59,583 --> 00:09:02,684 I also have some sabbath and some beastie boys. 231 00:09:02,686 --> 00:09:05,753 - So, if this is "candy andy's sweets and treats," 232 00:09:05,755 --> 00:09:07,789 Are you candy andy? 233 00:09:07,791 --> 00:09:09,857 - Oh, please. We hardly know each other. 234 00:09:09,859 --> 00:09:12,293 Call me candrew andrew. 235 00:09:12,295 --> 00:09:15,763 - I'm caroline, and this is max. 236 00:09:15,765 --> 00:09:17,432 Max, say something. 237 00:09:17,434 --> 00:09:21,369 - Can't. It's all too wonderful. 238 00:09:21,371 --> 00:09:24,472 Look at all the candy crammed in this little space. 239 00:09:24,474 --> 00:09:28,843 It's like we're inside willy wonka's colon. 240 00:09:28,845 --> 00:09:30,244 - Thanks. 241 00:09:30,246 --> 00:09:31,846 Yeah, it's kind of the look I was going for too. 242 00:09:31,848 --> 00:09:33,281 And I know it's accurate 243 00:09:33,283 --> 00:09:35,116 Because I had the oompa loompas help me. 244 00:09:35,118 --> 00:09:36,284 They were expensive, 245 00:09:36,286 --> 00:09:39,787 But what are you gonna doom-pa-dee-doo? 246 00:09:39,789 --> 00:09:41,489 Normally I'd ring the bell after something that golden, 247 00:09:41,491 --> 00:09:42,824 But I don't want to scare you. 248 00:09:42,826 --> 00:09:44,892 - Well, now I have to hear the bell. 249 00:09:44,894 --> 00:09:47,395 - ♪ anything you want to [rings bell] 250 00:09:47,397 --> 00:09:49,697 - Now that's all I want to hear. 251 00:09:49,699 --> 00:09:51,466 - Do you do free samples? 252 00:09:51,468 --> 00:09:53,801 You do, by the way. 253 00:09:53,803 --> 00:09:55,803 - Let me hook you guys up. On the house. 254 00:09:57,239 --> 00:09:59,374 - Marry this guy right now. 255 00:09:59,376 --> 00:10:02,644 - It's a small store. I can hear you. 256 00:10:02,646 --> 00:10:05,279 - Good. Moves things along faster. 257 00:10:05,281 --> 00:10:07,015 Hey, come by the williamsburg diner sometime. 258 00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:08,149 We work there. 259 00:10:08,151 --> 00:10:09,250 We'll give you free samples of food 260 00:10:09,252 --> 00:10:11,986 You shouldn't have to pay for anyway. 261 00:10:11,988 --> 00:10:14,088 - So, what brings you in to this neighborhood? 262 00:10:14,090 --> 00:10:16,391 - Oh, we were having lunch at the-- 263 00:10:16,393 --> 00:10:18,826 This ...Is a really adorable space. 264 00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:19,927 - Thank you. 265 00:10:19,929 --> 00:10:21,863 You know, candy is my passion. 266 00:10:21,865 --> 00:10:24,265 Yeah, I said it. Always has been. 267 00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:26,134 Even as a kid, I would have my g.I. Joes 268 00:10:26,136 --> 00:10:30,071 Sell sweet tarts to my transformers. 269 00:10:30,073 --> 00:10:32,840 - Gum drops, gummy bears, gummy worms, 270 00:10:32,842 --> 00:10:34,742 Gummy hot dogs, gummy pizza. 271 00:10:34,744 --> 00:10:37,845 Ooh, I just had a gummy-gasm. 272 00:10:37,847 --> 00:10:39,514 - So what was your favorite candy as a kid? 273 00:10:39,516 --> 00:10:42,383 - Actually, I didn't eat a lot of candy as a child. 274 00:10:42,385 --> 00:10:45,253 - Okay, I'm gonna overlook that because you're pretty, 275 00:10:45,255 --> 00:10:47,755 But maybe we could talk about your terrible childhood 276 00:10:47,757 --> 00:10:50,058 Over coffee sometime. 277 00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:51,459 Yeah? 278 00:10:51,461 --> 00:10:53,861 [rings bell] 279 00:10:53,863 --> 00:10:55,096 - I'd leave you two alone, 280 00:10:55,098 --> 00:10:57,265 If this place wasn't filled with candy. 281 00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:59,033 - Okay, so what's your favorite flavor? 282 00:10:59,035 --> 00:11:00,034 - Coconut. 283 00:11:00,036 --> 00:11:01,736 - And I'm walking to the "c"s. 284 00:11:01,738 --> 00:11:04,138 - The candy's alphabetical? 285 00:11:04,140 --> 00:11:07,008 Now I'm marrying you too. - Okay. 286 00:11:07,010 --> 00:11:09,010 Let's see. Coconut watermelon slice. 287 00:11:09,012 --> 00:11:10,278 How's that sound? 288 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:11,746 - Um, not so good. 289 00:11:11,748 --> 00:11:13,448 Actually, please don't say anything more 290 00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:14,615 About candy. 291 00:11:14,617 --> 00:11:15,883 Is it hot in here? 292 00:11:15,885 --> 00:11:18,486 - No, it's awesome in here. 293 00:11:18,488 --> 00:11:21,189 Boston baked beans? 294 00:11:21,191 --> 00:11:23,524 Didn't know they weren't real beans till I was 20. 295 00:11:23,526 --> 00:11:25,326 - Please stop. 296 00:11:25,328 --> 00:11:27,662 Is it cold in here? 297 00:11:27,664 --> 00:11:30,331 Is it hot and cold in here? 298 00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:31,365 Max, I feel weird. 299 00:11:31,367 --> 00:11:33,167 - Relax, it's just your lady parts 300 00:11:33,169 --> 00:11:36,671 Waking up from hibernation. 301 00:11:36,673 --> 00:11:38,372 - Again, small store. 302 00:11:38,374 --> 00:11:39,674 Can hear everything. 303 00:11:39,676 --> 00:11:41,943 - [gags] 304 00:11:41,945 --> 00:11:43,878 I am so sorry. Pardon me. 305 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:44,912 - Oh, uh, are you okay? 306 00:11:44,914 --> 00:11:48,216 - I'm fine. 307 00:11:48,218 --> 00:11:50,551 Max, I am not fine. 308 00:11:50,553 --> 00:11:53,755 I'm gonna be sloppy joanne in about two seconds. 309 00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:55,556 - Tiny, tiny store. 310 00:11:55,558 --> 00:11:57,058 Do you need to use the-- 311 00:11:57,060 --> 00:11:58,559 - No. We're fine. 312 00:11:58,561 --> 00:11:59,861 We'll just be going. Nice to meet you. 313 00:11:59,863 --> 00:12:01,529 [gagging] 314 00:12:01,531 --> 00:12:02,630 Nope, I'm not gonna make it. Where is the-- 315 00:12:02,632 --> 00:12:03,798 - Right--right there. 316 00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:07,268 - [clears throat] 317 00:12:07,270 --> 00:12:08,369 I'm sure she'll be all right. 318 00:12:08,371 --> 00:12:11,139 - [retches] 319 00:12:16,879 --> 00:12:19,814 [music volume increases] 320 00:12:19,816 --> 00:12:21,015 - I'm just gonna step outside. 321 00:12:21,017 --> 00:12:22,483 The sound of someone throwing up makes me-- 322 00:12:22,485 --> 00:12:23,551 - Oh, dude, I've been trying to not throw up 323 00:12:23,553 --> 00:12:25,419 This whole time. 324 00:12:25,421 --> 00:12:28,189 [toilet flushes] 325 00:12:28,191 --> 00:12:32,260 - Whew, what happened there, right? 326 00:12:32,262 --> 00:12:33,861 - Feeling better? 327 00:12:33,863 --> 00:12:36,931 - [retches] 328 00:12:36,933 --> 00:12:40,067 - [gags] - [gags] 329 00:12:44,039 --> 00:12:46,040 Did she tell you she projectile-puked 330 00:12:46,042 --> 00:12:48,576 Soup and sloppy seconds all over a really cute guy 331 00:12:48,578 --> 00:12:49,877 And his floor? 332 00:12:49,879 --> 00:12:52,146 - Let me put it this way, caroline. 333 00:12:52,148 --> 00:12:54,148 In my heroin days, that would have been 334 00:12:54,150 --> 00:12:58,686 A perfectly acceptable first date. 335 00:12:58,688 --> 00:13:00,521 - I don't understand it. 336 00:13:00,523 --> 00:13:02,190 We ate the exact same thing. 337 00:13:02,192 --> 00:13:03,858 How could you have not have gotten sick? 338 00:13:03,860 --> 00:13:05,660 - You must still have "rich girl" stomach. 339 00:13:05,662 --> 00:13:07,161 I'm used to poor food. 340 00:13:07,163 --> 00:13:10,131 What made you sick made my skin clear up. 341 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,768 - Hi, girls. - Hey, sophie. 342 00:13:13,770 --> 00:13:16,537 - I'll be in my booth. 343 00:13:16,539 --> 00:13:18,039 Oh. 344 00:13:18,041 --> 00:13:23,110 Well, this is weird. 345 00:13:27,216 --> 00:13:29,450 It's okay. You didn't know. 346 00:13:29,452 --> 00:13:33,354 Don't let it happen again. Okay, good-bye now. 347 00:13:38,126 --> 00:13:40,928 - Sophie, what do you think you're doing? 348 00:13:40,930 --> 00:13:43,331 - What? They were sitting in my booth. 349 00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:45,633 - It is not your booth, it's my booth. 350 00:13:45,635 --> 00:13:49,503 - If it was your booth, wouldn't it have a booster seat? 351 00:13:51,907 --> 00:13:55,543 - Oh, sophie wants to dance? We gonna dance. 352 00:13:59,147 --> 00:14:00,915 - Max. Hi. 353 00:14:00,917 --> 00:14:03,584 It's andy. From the store. 354 00:14:03,586 --> 00:14:04,886 The guy who let you walk out 355 00:14:04,888 --> 00:14:06,520 With a push pop in your pocket. 356 00:14:06,522 --> 00:14:08,055 - That wasn't a push pop, andy. 357 00:14:08,057 --> 00:14:09,991 I was happy to see you. 358 00:14:09,993 --> 00:14:12,426 - Well, you're gonna be even happier in a minute. 359 00:14:12,428 --> 00:14:13,895 - Yay! 360 00:14:13,897 --> 00:14:15,196 - But these come with a catch. 361 00:14:15,198 --> 00:14:16,464 Invites for caroline and you 362 00:14:16,466 --> 00:14:17,899 To a party at my candy store. 363 00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:20,067 But maybe don't wear that uniform. 364 00:14:20,069 --> 00:14:22,436 People are gonna think you're a giant sugar daddy. 365 00:14:27,643 --> 00:14:29,343 So, she's still going at it, huh? 366 00:14:29,345 --> 00:14:30,678 Such a skinny girl. 367 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,914 How much more can come out of her? 368 00:14:32,916 --> 00:14:34,982 - Nah, she's just a little embarrassed. 369 00:14:34,984 --> 00:14:36,851 Something about self-esteem. I don't know. 370 00:14:36,853 --> 00:14:38,920 She throws it around like it means something. 371 00:14:38,922 --> 00:14:41,722 - Well, I'd love her to come. No pressure. 372 00:14:41,724 --> 00:14:43,157 But if you can talk her into it, 373 00:14:43,159 --> 00:14:44,558 There'll be unlimited candy for you 374 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:45,559 For the rest of your life. 375 00:14:45,561 --> 00:14:47,862 [rings bells] 376 00:14:47,864 --> 00:14:49,497 Look at him, stealing my bit. 377 00:14:52,734 --> 00:14:55,102 - The candy man came with invitations 378 00:14:55,104 --> 00:14:56,771 To a party at his store. 379 00:14:56,773 --> 00:14:59,407 - What, you think I wasn't listening at the door? 380 00:14:59,409 --> 00:15:00,574 I heard everything. 381 00:15:00,576 --> 00:15:02,677 All the vomit jokes. I heard them all. 382 00:15:02,679 --> 00:15:04,445 - [gasps] 383 00:15:04,447 --> 00:15:09,183 Jewelry, already? 384 00:15:11,586 --> 00:15:15,122 Your new husband likes to throw the cash around. 385 00:15:15,124 --> 00:15:16,757 - He is not my new husband. 386 00:15:16,759 --> 00:15:18,693 And now he never will be. 387 00:15:18,695 --> 00:15:20,661 - Ooh, bubble tape. 388 00:15:20,663 --> 00:15:23,331 - I finally meet an adorable, sweet guy. 389 00:15:23,333 --> 00:15:25,132 A guy so sweet, the word "sweet" 390 00:15:25,134 --> 00:15:27,435 Is next to his name on actual real estate. 391 00:15:27,437 --> 00:15:30,838 And I completely destroy any chance I have with him. 392 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:32,974 - You didn't destroy anything. 393 00:15:32,976 --> 00:15:34,442 And it's good to let him know right off the bat 394 00:15:34,444 --> 00:15:38,446 That you have a gag reflex. 395 00:15:43,885 --> 00:15:45,686 - Oh! Oh, that's lovely. 396 00:15:45,688 --> 00:15:47,054 Happy valentines' day. 397 00:15:47,056 --> 00:15:49,457 I am not going to that party. 398 00:15:49,459 --> 00:15:50,858 I can never see him again. 399 00:15:50,860 --> 00:15:52,560 - Well, do you mind if I still go? 400 00:15:52,562 --> 00:15:54,028 Being in a candy store after midnight 401 00:15:54,030 --> 00:15:55,563 Is on my bucket list. 402 00:15:55,565 --> 00:15:58,399 Funny, I thought that was the impossible one. 403 00:15:58,401 --> 00:16:01,035 - You should go. Have fun. 404 00:16:01,037 --> 00:16:02,403 - I think you're missing out, 405 00:16:02,405 --> 00:16:03,871 Because you two are perfect for each other. 406 00:16:03,873 --> 00:16:05,006 You're like hansel and gretel. 407 00:16:05,008 --> 00:16:09,477 - They were brother and sister. 408 00:16:09,479 --> 00:16:11,545 - So? 409 00:16:19,988 --> 00:16:22,156 - So, no caroline, huh? - Uh, no. 410 00:16:22,158 --> 00:16:23,491 She couldn't make it. - Hmm. 411 00:16:23,493 --> 00:16:24,959 Well, I'm feeling very sad, 412 00:16:24,961 --> 00:16:28,295 But you'll never know it. 413 00:16:29,731 --> 00:16:31,599 - You're fine. 414 00:16:31,601 --> 00:16:34,335 You don't seem to be short on other female party guests. 415 00:16:34,337 --> 00:16:35,503 - Oh, come on. They're fiends. 416 00:16:35,505 --> 00:16:36,971 Some of them I know from the neighborhood. 417 00:16:36,973 --> 00:16:38,172 Some I worked with on wall street. 418 00:16:38,174 --> 00:16:39,740 - Wall street? 419 00:16:39,742 --> 00:16:40,741 Did you have a little candy tray 420 00:16:40,743 --> 00:16:42,043 You walked around with? 421 00:16:42,045 --> 00:16:43,878 - I wish. That would have been awesome. 422 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,479 I was stuck in an office pushing stock 423 00:16:45,481 --> 00:16:46,814 In pharmaceutical companies. 424 00:16:46,816 --> 00:16:48,215 - Wait. 425 00:16:48,217 --> 00:16:51,152 You know people who have access to pills? 426 00:16:51,154 --> 00:16:53,387 And just when I thought you couldn't get any better. 427 00:16:53,389 --> 00:16:56,123 - Yeah, one day, I went into the firm, 428 00:16:56,125 --> 00:16:57,591 And there was no firm. 429 00:16:57,593 --> 00:16:58,793 Bankrupt. Boom. 430 00:16:58,795 --> 00:17:00,594 End of job, no money. Nothing. 431 00:17:00,596 --> 00:17:03,030 And after I drank nonstop for a week, 432 00:17:03,032 --> 00:17:05,099 I figured, hey, now I can do 433 00:17:05,101 --> 00:17:06,367 What I've always dreamed of. 434 00:17:06,369 --> 00:17:08,702 Open a candy store, be my own boss. 435 00:17:08,704 --> 00:17:11,772 So I used all my savings and opened up this place. 436 00:17:11,774 --> 00:17:13,140 And pretty soon, 437 00:17:13,142 --> 00:17:14,742 Candy andy will rule 438 00:17:14,744 --> 00:17:17,078 The world of sweets and treats. 439 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:18,379 That sound braggy? 440 00:17:18,381 --> 00:17:19,580 - No. 441 00:17:19,582 --> 00:17:20,881 All right, kick everybody out, 442 00:17:20,883 --> 00:17:22,116 And let's go back to my place. 443 00:17:22,118 --> 00:17:24,218 - Ah...Max, no offense, 444 00:17:24,220 --> 00:17:25,719 But I'm more into your friend. 445 00:17:25,721 --> 00:17:27,521 - Um, andy, no offense, 446 00:17:27,523 --> 00:17:30,791 But I'm more into the candy than the andy. 447 00:17:30,793 --> 00:17:32,026 I want you to come to my apartment 448 00:17:32,028 --> 00:17:33,027 And say hey to caroline. 449 00:17:33,029 --> 00:17:34,028 I was right. 450 00:17:34,030 --> 00:17:35,629 You two are perfect for each other. 451 00:17:35,631 --> 00:17:36,897 - Yeah? 452 00:17:36,899 --> 00:17:38,332 I mean, it would be nice to hang with her 453 00:17:38,334 --> 00:17:40,101 In pants I don't care about. 454 00:17:40,103 --> 00:17:42,503 - [laughs] 455 00:17:46,741 --> 00:17:48,209 - She's not here. 456 00:17:48,211 --> 00:17:50,277 She must have taken the horse for a walk. 457 00:17:50,279 --> 00:17:51,645 - Wait, you have a horse, 458 00:17:51,647 --> 00:17:52,947 And I'm just hearing about this now? 459 00:17:52,949 --> 00:17:53,948 I have a candy store and it's out of my mouth, 460 00:17:53,950 --> 00:17:55,916 In the first 30 seconds. 461 00:17:55,918 --> 00:17:57,251 - Be right back. I have to pee. 462 00:17:57,253 --> 00:17:59,286 - She'll be okay with me being here, right? 463 00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:00,488 - Yeah, she was just embarrassed. 464 00:18:00,490 --> 00:18:03,357 She'll get over it. 465 00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:05,126 - [shrieks] - [screams] 466 00:18:05,128 --> 00:18:07,995 - What are you doing? Knock first! 467 00:18:07,997 --> 00:18:10,164 Why are your legs up in the air like that? 468 00:18:10,166 --> 00:18:11,532 And why were you holding the shower head 469 00:18:11,534 --> 00:18:13,634 Down by your-- [laughs] oh! 470 00:18:16,605 --> 00:18:18,005 I'm sorry. 471 00:18:18,007 --> 00:18:19,807 I thought you'd be home feeling bad for yourself, 472 00:18:19,809 --> 00:18:24,512 Not feeling your bad self. 473 00:18:24,514 --> 00:18:26,013 - What are you doing home already? 474 00:18:26,015 --> 00:18:27,581 Why aren't you at the candy andy party? 475 00:18:27,583 --> 00:18:29,517 Oh, don't look at me like that. 476 00:18:29,519 --> 00:18:30,718 It's not like I'm the only person 477 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,920 In the world who masturbates. 478 00:18:32,922 --> 00:18:34,488 - [clears throat] 479 00:18:34,490 --> 00:18:36,390 Also, andy's here. 480 00:18:40,228 --> 00:18:41,962 - We wanted to surprise you. 481 00:18:41,964 --> 00:18:44,131 - But then you surprised us. 482 00:18:47,969 --> 00:18:49,136 [door closes] 483 00:18:50,472 --> 00:18:52,640 - It's not a big deal. 484 00:18:52,642 --> 00:18:55,409 That kind of situation happens to a lot of people. 485 00:18:55,411 --> 00:18:59,413 - Who? Who has that ever happened to? 486 00:18:59,415 --> 00:19:02,616 - I know this might be a delicate area right now, 487 00:19:02,618 --> 00:19:04,385 But I'm thinking you should probably pay more 488 00:19:04,387 --> 00:19:06,520 Than half of our water bill. 489 00:19:06,522 --> 00:19:09,123 - Hey, girls. 490 00:19:09,125 --> 00:19:11,292 I need some hot tea to warm me up. 491 00:19:11,294 --> 00:19:13,260 There's no hot water in our building 492 00:19:13,262 --> 00:19:15,029 When I tried to take a shower. 493 00:19:15,031 --> 00:19:17,831 - That's because it's all in caroline. 494 00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:19,233 - Max! 495 00:19:19,235 --> 00:19:21,335 - You are too tense. 496 00:19:21,337 --> 00:19:24,905 Here. Take this and relax a little. 497 00:19:24,907 --> 00:19:26,507 Eh? 498 00:19:26,509 --> 00:19:29,510 This doing anything for you? 499 00:19:31,012 --> 00:19:32,346 [laughs] 500 00:19:32,348 --> 00:19:34,682 - Well, I'll be in my booth. 501 00:19:39,421 --> 00:19:41,755 - Hello, sophie. 502 00:19:41,757 --> 00:19:44,191 - What are you doing in my booth? 503 00:19:44,193 --> 00:19:46,760 - It's not your booth, it's my booth. And look. 504 00:19:46,762 --> 00:19:48,329 All the other booths are taken. 505 00:19:48,331 --> 00:19:49,997 So you'll have to sit at small table, 506 00:19:49,999 --> 00:19:52,132 As is customary for lone diners. 507 00:19:59,441 --> 00:20:00,841 - This is my booth. 508 00:20:00,843 --> 00:20:04,979 It's okay, you didn't know. Okay, bye-bye now. 509 00:20:06,281 --> 00:20:08,249 Hello, max. Check out my new booth. 510 00:20:08,251 --> 00:20:11,118 I think it's better. 511 00:20:13,154 --> 00:20:16,257 - Oh, no. I don't want to see him again. 512 00:20:16,259 --> 00:20:18,125 - Look, he's already seen you at your worst. 513 00:20:18,127 --> 00:20:20,928 You vomited and masturbated. That's your full range. 514 00:20:22,564 --> 00:20:23,998 - Hi. 515 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,767 Look, I know you're really embarrassed about-- 516 00:20:26,769 --> 00:20:28,068 Well, everything. 517 00:20:28,070 --> 00:20:30,004 And there's really nothing I can say 518 00:20:30,006 --> 00:20:31,005 To convince you not to be. 519 00:20:31,007 --> 00:20:33,474 So... 520 00:20:33,476 --> 00:20:35,476 - [laughs] 521 00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:38,912 - Who's embarrassed now? 522 00:20:38,914 --> 00:20:41,248 And to further my embarrassment, 523 00:20:41,250 --> 00:20:44,652 I will now do gymnastics in public. 524 00:20:51,092 --> 00:20:53,527 - That is not embarrassing. It was amazing. 525 00:20:53,529 --> 00:20:54,662 - All right. 526 00:20:54,664 --> 00:20:55,763 Well, then come back to my house 527 00:20:55,765 --> 00:20:58,465 And watch me masturbate. 528 00:21:02,771 --> 00:21:04,872 Or we could just get coffee. 529 00:21:06,074 --> 00:21:09,109 - Yay, I'm so happy! 530 00:21:09,111 --> 00:21:10,177 - Thanks, max. 531 00:21:10,179 --> 00:21:11,879 - No, not for you. For me. 532 00:21:11,881 --> 00:21:15,149 I'm getting unlimited candy and maybe some pills. 533 00:21:19,587 --> 00:21:21,722 [cash register bell dings]