1
00:00:05,982 --> 00:00:08,750
- Uh, what's happening
right now?
2
00:00:08,752 --> 00:00:11,253
Max, are you smoking crack?
3
00:00:11,255 --> 00:00:12,754
- It's not crack,
it's lipstick.
4
00:00:12,756 --> 00:00:15,357
I can afford crack.
5
00:00:15,359 --> 00:00:17,059
I'm at the end of my good
lipstick and I can't afford
6
00:00:17,061 --> 00:00:19,895
To buy a new one
so I'm going all breaking bad.
7
00:00:19,897 --> 00:00:21,063
- "breaking bad"?
8
00:00:21,065 --> 00:00:23,098
We're more like broke and sad.
9
00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:25,834
You're freebasing
lipstick and look,
10
00:00:25,836 --> 00:00:28,070
This heel is starting to wobble.
11
00:00:28,072 --> 00:00:30,372
- Here, stick this in
and hold it.
12
00:00:30,374 --> 00:00:32,007
I swear I've said that before,
13
00:00:32,009 --> 00:00:34,309
But I don't think
it was about shoes.
14
00:00:35,511 --> 00:00:37,646
- Yo, dollface.
It's been ten minutes!
15
00:00:37,648 --> 00:00:40,749
His chowder, my spaghetti.
Where's the food?
16
00:00:40,751 --> 00:00:41,983
- "where's the food"?
17
00:00:41,985 --> 00:00:44,653
Where's your neck?
18
00:00:44,655 --> 00:00:48,190
- I wasn't listening.
I was looking at your boobs.
19
00:00:48,192 --> 00:00:49,591
- Well, I do what I can
but they'll never be
20
00:00:49,593 --> 00:00:52,160
As big as yours.
21
00:00:52,162 --> 00:00:54,062
- Pick up.
Meatball.
22
00:00:54,064 --> 00:00:58,033
- Hey, hot stuff.
Where's the hot stuff?
23
00:00:58,035 --> 00:00:59,201
- Oh, max.
You were right.
24
00:00:59,203 --> 00:01:00,735
This heel is
much more--no.
25
00:01:00,737 --> 00:01:01,870
No, wait!
No, it's not.
26
00:01:01,872 --> 00:01:03,271
It's gonna--
27
00:01:05,174 --> 00:01:07,175
- Those are the biggest balls
those guys have had
28
00:01:07,177 --> 00:01:09,744
In their laps since
they started steroids.
29
00:01:09,746 --> 00:01:11,046
[rock music]
30
00:01:11,048 --> 00:01:18,620
♪
31
00:01:29,031 --> 00:01:31,099
- I can't believe you masking
taped the shoe to your leg.
32
00:01:31,101 --> 00:01:34,035
- I know but these are
christian louboutins and
33
00:01:34,037 --> 00:01:35,871
Even all busted up like
this they still have
34
00:01:35,873 --> 00:01:38,039
The classic red bottoms.
35
00:01:38,041 --> 00:01:39,174
- You know what else
has red bottoms?
36
00:01:39,176 --> 00:01:40,509
Baboons.
37
00:01:40,511 --> 00:01:42,177
Walk around with a couple
of them on your feet
38
00:01:42,179 --> 00:01:45,080
And I'm impressed.
39
00:01:45,082 --> 00:01:46,681
Well, at least now you can't
see those stupid bows.
40
00:01:46,683 --> 00:01:49,217
Who put bows on their shoes?
What's the gift?
41
00:01:49,219 --> 00:01:50,952
Your stinky feet?
42
00:01:50,954 --> 00:01:52,487
- You don't think
I hate the bows?
43
00:01:52,489 --> 00:01:54,589
I bought these as an impulse
purchase over a year ago.
44
00:01:54,591 --> 00:01:56,091
I didn't know I'd be shackled
with them for eternity.
45
00:01:57,527 --> 00:01:59,494
[knock at door]
46
00:02:05,101 --> 00:02:06,902
- Oh, caroline.
47
00:02:06,904 --> 00:02:09,504
I never noticed
you had a club foot.
48
00:02:09,506 --> 00:02:13,041
I would have set you up
with my brother.
49
00:02:13,043 --> 00:02:15,243
- I broke my shoe in the diner.
50
00:02:15,245 --> 00:02:16,378
- Oh, I can help.
51
00:02:16,380 --> 00:02:20,215
I always carry
my gym shoes in my bag.
52
00:02:20,217 --> 00:02:21,917
I'm sorry they're
so conservative
53
00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:24,286
But the weight room
is a real meat rack.
54
00:02:24,288 --> 00:02:26,087
- Sophie, that's
so sweet of you.
55
00:02:26,089 --> 00:02:28,623
But I still have one pair
of my own shoes to wear.
56
00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:30,258
- Oh, well take
them just in case.
57
00:02:30,260 --> 00:02:31,459
- You should take them.
58
00:02:31,461 --> 00:02:34,196
You'll make $20
just walking to work.
59
00:02:34,198 --> 00:02:36,565
- And some of your mail
got mixed in with mine.
60
00:02:36,567 --> 00:02:38,667
- This is like the third time
that mail lady did that.
61
00:02:38,669 --> 00:02:41,503
- All right.
Nighty night.
62
00:02:43,339 --> 00:02:46,341
- Max, you will not believe
what just came addressed to you.
63
00:02:46,343 --> 00:02:48,376
- Let me explain.
I'm not a scientologist.
64
00:02:48,378 --> 00:02:50,212
I just went that one time
because I heard
65
00:02:50,214 --> 00:02:52,047
Some rich guy was
looking for a wife.
66
00:02:52,049 --> 00:02:55,217
- No, we've been pre-approved
for a credit card.
67
00:02:55,219 --> 00:02:56,351
- What?
68
00:02:56,353 --> 00:02:57,786
How the hell did
we get pre-approved?
69
00:02:57,788 --> 00:03:00,055
- It says all we have to do
is go online and apply
70
00:03:00,057 --> 00:03:03,592
And we can be approved
in under two minutes.
71
00:03:03,594 --> 00:03:07,195
- Slow down, quasimodo.
I can't have a credit card.
72
00:03:07,197 --> 00:03:09,364
Someone gave me a bag of
chips ahoy cookies once
73
00:03:09,366 --> 00:03:11,766
And I ate the entire thing
without breathing.
74
00:03:11,768 --> 00:03:13,068
- Well, you're not
a child anymore.
75
00:03:13,070 --> 00:03:14,636
You have more discipline.
76
00:03:14,638 --> 00:03:18,006
- The cookies were yesterday.
77
00:03:18,008 --> 00:03:20,508
Okay, what is that thing?
What is that spinning wheel?
78
00:03:20,510 --> 00:03:22,444
- It's just processing
our application.
79
00:03:22,446 --> 00:03:23,712
- No, it's not.
80
00:03:23,714 --> 00:03:25,380
It's finding out
everything about us.
81
00:03:25,382 --> 00:03:28,116
Now it's finding out your dad
stole millions of dollars.
82
00:03:28,118 --> 00:03:31,186
Now it's finding out I got fired
from eight dairy queens.
83
00:03:31,188 --> 00:03:35,023
Now it's finding out why I got
fired from eight dairy queens.
84
00:03:35,025 --> 00:03:36,891
- Oh, my god.
Max, we're approved.
85
00:03:36,893 --> 00:03:38,226
We've just been approved.
86
00:03:38,228 --> 00:03:42,030
- What? What is wrong with them?
Does dairy queen report nothing?
87
00:03:42,032 --> 00:03:44,099
Get back on there
and disapprove us.
88
00:03:44,101 --> 00:03:45,767
- Okay.
Calm down.
89
00:03:45,769 --> 00:03:47,535
We need this card
for our business.
90
00:03:47,537 --> 00:03:49,304
All we have to do is
communicate with each other
91
00:03:49,306 --> 00:03:50,438
About every purchase,
you know?
92
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,240
Keep an open dialogue.
93
00:03:52,242 --> 00:03:55,777
So, opening dialogue.
For our business,
94
00:03:55,779 --> 00:03:57,612
I would like
a pair of louboutins.
95
00:03:57,614 --> 00:04:00,282
- Opening dialogue.
No.
96
00:04:00,284 --> 00:04:03,852
And I felt stupid miming that.
I hate the arts.
97
00:04:03,854 --> 00:04:06,521
Look, you can't get
everything you want.
98
00:04:06,523 --> 00:04:08,623
I would like a box of lizards.
99
00:04:08,625 --> 00:04:10,558
Love lizards, always have,
100
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,694
But you don't see me
putting that on a credit card.
101
00:04:12,696 --> 00:04:14,929
- I need a new pair of shoes
for business meetings.
102
00:04:14,931 --> 00:04:16,097
You know what they say,
103
00:04:16,099 --> 00:04:18,466
"dress for the job you want,
not the job you have".
104
00:04:18,468 --> 00:04:20,101
- Okay, fine.
105
00:04:20,103 --> 00:04:22,270
If you're getting the shoes,
then I'm getting what I want.
106
00:04:22,272 --> 00:04:23,972
I hope you're happy
with an apartment
107
00:04:23,974 --> 00:04:25,740
Full of lizards and lipstick.
108
00:04:25,742 --> 00:04:29,377
Also, some of those lizards
will be wearing lipstick.
109
00:04:32,948 --> 00:04:35,450
Earl, you are looking
particularly gorgeous
110
00:04:35,452 --> 00:04:36,818
This evening.
111
00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:38,720
- Well, I would say,
"don't flatter me"
112
00:04:38,722 --> 00:04:40,155
But let's face it.
113
00:04:40,157 --> 00:04:42,924
Everything came
together tonight.
114
00:04:42,926 --> 00:04:45,527
- Is it another woman?
Should I be filled with anger?
115
00:04:45,529 --> 00:04:47,762
I mean,
more than I usually am?
116
00:04:47,764 --> 00:04:50,565
- I just want to look nice
for my son when he comes in.
117
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:53,034
- What? No way,
I'm going to meet your kid?
118
00:04:53,036 --> 00:04:55,804
- Well, one of them.
119
00:04:55,806 --> 00:04:57,539
- "one of them"?
How many do you have?
120
00:04:57,541 --> 00:05:00,241
- So far?
121
00:05:00,243 --> 00:05:02,210
- Oh, earl, I love you.
122
00:05:02,212 --> 00:05:03,211
- This is my son, darius.
123
00:05:03,213 --> 00:05:05,213
He's the number one
chrysler salesman
124
00:05:05,215 --> 00:05:08,249
In all of detroit,
and he's my very favorite,
125
00:05:08,251 --> 00:05:12,153
If he's the one
I'm thinking of.
126
00:05:12,155 --> 00:05:15,390
- Excuse me,
but aren't you max
127
00:05:15,392 --> 00:05:18,927
Of max's homemade cupcakes?
128
00:05:18,929 --> 00:05:20,128
- Earl, look.
129
00:05:20,130 --> 00:05:21,596
Our credit card came
in the mail today.
130
00:05:21,598 --> 00:05:23,264
See?
"max black".
131
00:05:23,266 --> 00:05:26,201
No more using the card
I found at six flags.
132
00:05:28,104 --> 00:05:33,208
Thank you for never checking
your statement, agnes chin.
133
00:05:33,210 --> 00:05:34,576
- Girls, take my advice
134
00:05:34,578 --> 00:05:36,544
And be very careful
with that thing.
135
00:05:36,546 --> 00:05:38,079
Credit cards
are more trouble
136
00:05:38,081 --> 00:05:41,116
Than a priest
at a wiggles concert.
137
00:05:41,118 --> 00:05:43,084
Both: Yes, earl.
138
00:05:43,086 --> 00:05:46,254
- I can't believe it.
A credit card for our business.
139
00:05:46,256 --> 00:05:48,056
So when are we getting
the shoes and lizards?
140
00:05:48,058 --> 00:05:49,491
- Max, remember.
141
00:05:49,493 --> 00:05:51,259
We have to be grown-ups
about this.
142
00:05:51,261 --> 00:05:52,560
- Of course.
143
00:05:52,562 --> 00:05:57,832
"two lizards, please.
No, make it three."
144
00:05:57,834 --> 00:06:00,101
- Hi, I'm looking for earl.
145
00:06:00,103 --> 00:06:03,238
And no, I'm not here to return
a bag of skunky weed.
146
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:06,307
- Oh, my god.
I'm so excited to see you.
147
00:06:06,309 --> 00:06:08,943
Come on in, I'll take really,
really good care of you.
148
00:06:08,945 --> 00:06:11,479
- Oh, you need to know I just
separated from my wife,
149
00:06:11,481 --> 00:06:14,115
So I'm a little vulnerable.
150
00:06:14,117 --> 00:06:16,284
- She's not usually
this nice to customers.
151
00:06:16,286 --> 00:06:17,585
She's just excited.
152
00:06:17,587 --> 00:06:20,155
She's about to come
into some lizards.
153
00:06:21,490 --> 00:06:24,626
- Yeah, again.
154
00:06:24,628 --> 00:06:26,294
I've been out
the dating pool for a while,
155
00:06:26,296 --> 00:06:30,832
So everything sound like
a sexual innuendo to me.
156
00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:33,067
- He is not a customer.
Look at him.
157
00:06:33,069 --> 00:06:35,804
Don't you see the resemblance?
158
00:06:37,139 --> 00:06:41,910
- Oh, my god
is he your father?
159
00:06:41,912 --> 00:06:44,646
- Yes.
He's my father.
160
00:06:44,648 --> 00:06:47,315
And my mother is
a piece of chalk.
161
00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:50,652
- Daddy!
162
00:06:50,654 --> 00:06:52,420
- Thank god, it is
the one I thought.
163
00:06:52,422 --> 00:06:54,889
There's my little boy!
[laughter]
164
00:07:03,232 --> 00:07:04,933
- So, darius, what was
earl like as a dad?
165
00:07:04,935 --> 00:07:06,100
It must have been great, huh?
166
00:07:06,102 --> 00:07:07,769
I bet he packed
the coolest lunches.
167
00:07:07,771 --> 00:07:10,939
A joint for recess,
and a gin and juice box.
168
00:07:10,941 --> 00:07:12,941
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
He was a great dad.
169
00:07:12,943 --> 00:07:16,411
I mean, he was always there.
Except for my childhood.
170
00:07:16,413 --> 00:07:18,246
[laughs]
171
00:07:18,248 --> 00:07:20,515
You've gotta laugh!
172
00:07:20,517 --> 00:07:23,017
- Earl is sitting right there.
173
00:07:23,019 --> 00:07:27,121
- Well, it's a joke.
Take it easy there, fun size.
174
00:07:27,123 --> 00:07:28,857
- Han, take no offense.
175
00:07:28,859 --> 00:07:30,492
He's just pulling
your leg a little.
176
00:07:30,494 --> 00:07:32,494
Darius has always been funny.
177
00:07:32,496 --> 00:07:34,796
Why am I thinking
about terrence?
178
00:07:34,798 --> 00:07:36,297
- I don't know.
I'm the funny one, dad.
179
00:07:36,299 --> 00:07:38,733
I don't recall there being
a terrence in our family,
180
00:07:38,735 --> 00:07:42,070
But then again, I don't know
how far you've thrown your seed.
181
00:07:42,072 --> 00:07:43,071
[laughs]
182
00:07:43,073 --> 00:07:45,073
You've gotta laugh.
183
00:07:45,075 --> 00:07:47,008
- Do you?
184
00:07:47,010 --> 00:07:48,843
- Darius was voted
the funniest salesman
185
00:07:48,845 --> 00:07:50,845
At the chrysler dealership.
186
00:07:50,847 --> 00:07:53,114
- Yes, I was.
And that's why I quit my job.
187
00:07:53,116 --> 00:07:55,350
To pursue my dream
to become a comedian.
188
00:07:55,352 --> 00:07:58,686
[laughs]
189
00:07:58,688 --> 00:08:00,455
- See?
See, he's funny.
190
00:08:00,457 --> 00:08:02,090
Always making jokes.
191
00:08:02,092 --> 00:08:04,158
- That's not a joke, daddy.
192
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,361
No, no,
that's why I'm in town.
193
00:08:06,363 --> 00:08:09,030
To audition at the comedy club
tomorrow night.
194
00:08:09,032 --> 00:08:10,932
I already got my stage name.
195
00:08:10,934 --> 00:08:13,968
"darius the hilarious".
196
00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:15,503
I think
it's a good choice, right?
197
00:08:15,505 --> 00:08:19,107
- Is it?
198
00:08:19,109 --> 00:08:22,076
- Well, obviously, big d,
we will all be there
199
00:08:22,078 --> 00:08:23,244
To support you.
200
00:08:23,246 --> 00:08:25,280
- Will we?
201
00:08:25,282 --> 00:08:28,283
- Hold up, darius.
How did all of this happen?
202
00:08:28,285 --> 00:08:30,518
- Well, I mean,
I knew a guy at cadillac
203
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,154
Who knew a guy at toyota
who knew a guy at subaru
204
00:08:33,156 --> 00:08:35,290
Who sold the club owner
a dodge.
205
00:08:35,292 --> 00:08:37,258
And then he hit a kid with it.
206
00:08:37,260 --> 00:08:39,294
The kid should have dodged.
207
00:08:39,296 --> 00:08:41,496
You gotta laugh!
208
00:08:41,498 --> 00:08:44,666
- There's a dead kid in the mix
and we got to laugh?
209
00:08:46,535 --> 00:08:48,136
- It's not his fault
he's not funny.
210
00:08:48,138 --> 00:08:51,306
We put his sense of humor
on a high shelf.
211
00:08:51,308 --> 00:08:53,207
- Hey, max, you know,
212
00:08:53,209 --> 00:08:55,076
Daddy always told me
you were special,
213
00:08:55,078 --> 00:08:56,511
And now I see it.
214
00:08:56,513 --> 00:08:59,247
And it's not just because you
think everything I say is funny.
215
00:08:59,249 --> 00:09:00,815
You feel like family.
216
00:09:00,817 --> 00:09:04,118
I do? Oh, I always
wanted a brother...
217
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,487
Who was a brother.
218
00:09:06,489 --> 00:09:09,324
[laughter]
219
00:09:09,326 --> 00:09:12,760
- Max, do you expect me to wait
on all the tables tonight?
220
00:09:12,762 --> 00:09:14,495
- Well, I am kind of
in the middle of
221
00:09:14,497 --> 00:09:17,765
My family reunion right now.
222
00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,201
And where is
mr. Hilarious' soup?
223
00:09:20,203 --> 00:09:22,170
- Look at blondie, here.
She's like,
224
00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:26,641
"oh my god, do black people
even eat soup?"
225
00:09:26,643 --> 00:09:29,777
"it's like, whatever."
226
00:09:29,779 --> 00:09:32,513
- That is a dead-on caroline.
227
00:09:32,515 --> 00:09:35,249
- Is it?
228
00:09:37,019 --> 00:09:39,187
- Here is your
order ticket from tonight.
229
00:09:39,189 --> 00:09:42,790
This pile is for
the people who found hair.
230
00:09:42,792 --> 00:09:46,461
These are the hairs
that the people found.
231
00:09:46,463 --> 00:09:48,162
- Oh, you sound russian.
232
00:09:48,164 --> 00:09:52,433
That's funny because you're not
rushin' to make my soup.
233
00:09:52,435 --> 00:09:54,135
No, no, no, no.
I'm kidding you, man.
234
00:09:54,137 --> 00:09:56,270
I get it.
You're just too busy back there
235
00:09:56,272 --> 00:09:58,840
Not putting on deodorant.
236
00:09:58,842 --> 00:10:00,775
You gotta laugh.
237
00:10:00,777 --> 00:10:04,312
- Do you?
238
00:10:04,314 --> 00:10:05,947
- Max, I might be crazy
but now I feel like
239
00:10:05,949 --> 00:10:09,150
The heel of this shoe's
starting to--
240
00:10:09,152 --> 00:10:12,153
- Oh, gosh.
Now I got to go wipe this down.
241
00:10:12,155 --> 00:10:14,889
You know, I was going to
wear this for my audition.
242
00:10:14,891 --> 00:10:16,324
And that's gotta go well.
243
00:10:16,326 --> 00:10:17,725
- Yes, it does.
Because son,
244
00:10:17,727 --> 00:10:22,130
There are two jobs in detroit,
and you just quit one of them.
245
00:10:22,132 --> 00:10:23,531
- Don't worry, daddy.
I'll make you proud.
246
00:10:23,533 --> 00:10:25,533
All right?
You'll see.
247
00:10:25,535 --> 00:10:27,268
Daddy's been wrong before.
248
00:10:27,270 --> 00:10:28,970
He didn't think I could
make it on soul train,
249
00:10:28,972 --> 00:10:30,371
But there I was,
250
00:10:30,373 --> 00:10:33,841
In the bottom left corner
on soul train.
251
00:10:38,614 --> 00:10:40,114
- I feel so terrible.
252
00:10:40,116 --> 00:10:42,150
- Well, you know we have
to buy him a new shirt.
253
00:10:42,152 --> 00:10:44,118
- Max, I've made
seven dollars so far.
254
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,386
We can't afford to buy
him a shirt.
255
00:10:45,388 --> 00:10:47,889
- We can go shopping for
a reasonable shirt.
256
00:10:47,891 --> 00:10:49,724
We have to.
He's family.
257
00:10:49,726 --> 00:10:52,126
- Is he?
258
00:10:52,128 --> 00:10:54,896
And I have to say, I don't like
that brand of put-down humor.
259
00:10:54,898 --> 00:10:56,297
And that blonde stereotype?
260
00:10:56,299 --> 00:10:57,665
I mean,
I don't even say "whatever".
261
00:10:57,667 --> 00:11:00,068
But, you know, it's fine.
Whatever.
262
00:11:06,141 --> 00:11:07,775
- Max, slow down.
263
00:11:07,777 --> 00:11:11,512
I can't walk any faster
in sophie's giant sneakers.
264
00:11:11,514 --> 00:11:15,483
I can't believe
she benches 250 in these.
265
00:11:15,485 --> 00:11:16,884
Oh, my god.
266
00:11:16,886 --> 00:11:19,020
My hand just touched
the subway floor.
267
00:11:19,022 --> 00:11:21,889
How do I know
someone didn't pee here?
268
00:11:21,891 --> 00:11:25,226
- Oh, honey,
I've peed here.
269
00:11:25,228 --> 00:11:27,628
This is new york.
It's made of pee.
270
00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:30,898
And pee hand is what you get
for refusing to wear flat shoes.
271
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,200
- No way.
272
00:11:32,202 --> 00:11:33,501
I'm living so close
to the gutter as it is.
273
00:11:33,503 --> 00:11:36,204
I can't risk being any shorter.
274
00:11:36,206 --> 00:11:37,638
- Here's where we're
meeting darius.
275
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:38,973
"subway style".
276
00:11:38,975 --> 00:11:40,908
- Every time I walk by
this place I wonder
277
00:11:40,910 --> 00:11:42,710
"who would ever shop here?"
278
00:11:42,712 --> 00:11:44,779
Now I know--us.
279
00:11:44,781 --> 00:11:45,947
First my heel breaks,
280
00:11:45,949 --> 00:11:47,448
And now I'm
shopping underground.
281
00:11:47,450 --> 00:11:49,050
How much lower can I get?
282
00:11:49,052 --> 00:11:51,385
Brunch on the earth's core?
283
00:11:53,489 --> 00:11:56,858
- Mmm, oh.
Excuse my mouthful.
284
00:11:56,860 --> 00:11:58,726
Mm, I wasn't expecting ladies.
285
00:11:58,728 --> 00:12:01,729
We usually just sell
to pimps and pastors.
286
00:12:01,731 --> 00:12:04,465
What can I help
you dolls with?
287
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:06,467
- Actually, we're just
here meeting a friend.
288
00:12:06,469 --> 00:12:08,069
We're going to help him
pick out a shirt.
289
00:12:08,071 --> 00:12:09,403
- Oh, that guy?
290
00:12:09,405 --> 00:12:12,140
He's already in the dressing
room trying one on now.
291
00:12:12,142 --> 00:12:15,176
Now, listen,
if the price is too high,
292
00:12:15,178 --> 00:12:18,679
You and I can, uh, negotiate.
293
00:12:18,681 --> 00:12:21,883
Or you.
294
00:12:21,885 --> 00:12:23,985
I still can't believe
we're using our tip money
295
00:12:23,987 --> 00:12:25,219
To buy him a shirt.
296
00:12:25,221 --> 00:12:26,888
- We're only going
to spend like $40.
297
00:12:26,890 --> 00:12:29,023
And you heard the man.
It can go down.
298
00:12:29,025 --> 00:12:31,492
If you go down.
299
00:12:31,494 --> 00:12:34,028
- Oh, hey ladies.
There you are.
300
00:12:34,030 --> 00:12:35,797
Look, I switched it up
a little bit.
301
00:12:35,799 --> 00:12:37,331
Do you like me in pink?
302
00:12:37,333 --> 00:12:40,201
My boyfriend does.
303
00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:44,038
He says it makes my cheeks
look rosy, all four of them.
304
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,674
You gotta laugh,
you gotta laugh!
305
00:12:46,676 --> 00:12:49,310
Darius, we're family,
so I'm just going to tell you
306
00:12:49,312 --> 00:12:50,545
Like it is.
307
00:12:50,547 --> 00:12:53,147
That material
feels a little funky.
308
00:12:53,149 --> 00:12:55,650
I mean, that kind of humor might
have worked over at toyota--
309
00:12:55,652 --> 00:12:56,984
- It's chrysler.
- Whatever.
310
00:12:56,986 --> 00:12:59,520
But this is new york.
There are a lot of people,
311
00:12:59,522 --> 00:13:03,191
Be them gays, or blondes,
who might take offense to that.
312
00:13:03,193 --> 00:13:05,726
I mean, I don't,
but, whatever.
313
00:13:05,728 --> 00:13:07,528
- Oh, no, no, no.
I was just playing.
314
00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:10,164
That's not the kind of stuff
I'm gonna do in my act tonight.
315
00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:13,000
No, I wrote some real jokes
with a comic back home.
316
00:13:13,002 --> 00:13:14,836
And, he's jewish, so you know
it's gonna be funny.
317
00:13:14,838 --> 00:13:16,337
And not cheap.
318
00:13:16,339 --> 00:13:18,339
- Again, see?
That's the kind of stuff...
319
00:13:18,341 --> 00:13:21,242
- Caroline, come on.
It's so wrong it's right.
320
00:13:21,244 --> 00:13:23,144
- Look, I have
the jokes right here.
321
00:13:23,146 --> 00:13:25,546
Let's take them on a little
test drive and see how they do.
322
00:13:25,548 --> 00:13:28,015
All right?
So back it up, ladies.
323
00:13:28,017 --> 00:13:30,218
You going to need
some laughing room.
324
00:13:30,220 --> 00:13:33,154
- This is going to be hilarious.
325
00:13:33,156 --> 00:13:34,822
- Anybody here have a smart car?
326
00:13:34,824 --> 00:13:39,760
Because I don't think it's smart
to drive half a car.
327
00:13:39,762 --> 00:13:42,697
- [fake laugh]
328
00:13:42,699 --> 00:13:44,866
- That was new,
I'll keep working on it.
329
00:13:44,868 --> 00:13:46,500
All right, let's try
another one.
330
00:13:46,502 --> 00:13:49,871
- You know what, maybe
we weren't back far enough.
331
00:13:49,873 --> 00:13:51,072
Yeah!
332
00:13:51,074 --> 00:13:53,074
Yeah, that feels funnier
already, right caroline?
333
00:13:53,076 --> 00:13:54,242
- [fake laugh]
334
00:13:54,244 --> 00:13:55,543
- All right.
335
00:13:55,545 --> 00:13:57,979
You know who doesn't
drive a smart car?
336
00:13:57,981 --> 00:14:03,551
Smart people.
They don't do it.
337
00:14:03,553 --> 00:14:05,419
You gotta laugh.
338
00:14:05,421 --> 00:14:06,854
Seriously.
339
00:14:06,856 --> 00:14:10,491
You've got to.
I've got a lot riding on this.
340
00:14:10,493 --> 00:14:12,226
- I just got it.
341
00:14:12,228 --> 00:14:14,328
[fake laugh]
342
00:14:14,330 --> 00:14:16,931
Oh, my god.
He stinks.
343
00:14:16,933 --> 00:14:20,001
He stinks on ice.
Darius is gonna bomb tonight
344
00:14:20,003 --> 00:14:22,270
And worse, he's going to bomb
in front of earl.
345
00:14:22,272 --> 00:14:26,374
And earl's pretty sure that's
the son he's most proud of.
346
00:14:26,376 --> 00:14:28,242
- You're right.
What are we gonna do?
347
00:14:28,244 --> 00:14:31,245
- Now I know you lovely ladies
came in for a shirt,
348
00:14:31,247 --> 00:14:33,381
But can I interest you
in a nice suit?
349
00:14:33,383 --> 00:14:35,883
Look at this one.
It's a classic.
350
00:14:35,885 --> 00:14:39,754
You can't get
this color above ground.
351
00:14:39,756 --> 00:14:43,257
- That's it.
Darius needs a suit.
352
00:14:43,259 --> 00:14:45,092
All the professional
comedians wear suits,
353
00:14:45,094 --> 00:14:46,327
And like you said,
354
00:14:46,329 --> 00:14:48,329
You have to dress
for the job you want.
355
00:14:48,331 --> 00:14:49,563
And with jokes like that,
356
00:14:49,565 --> 00:14:53,167
He needs the funniest suit
they have.
357
00:14:53,169 --> 00:14:55,870
Do you have anything from
the sinbad collection?
358
00:14:55,872 --> 00:14:59,340
- I do.
359
00:14:59,342 --> 00:15:01,943
- Max, I don't think
the suit's gonna be enough.
360
00:15:01,945 --> 00:15:05,947
I think he needs something else,
you know, like, a puppet.
361
00:15:05,949 --> 00:15:07,415
- A puppet?
362
00:15:07,417 --> 00:15:10,351
That's exactly
what he needs.
363
00:15:19,061 --> 00:15:20,361
- I went out with
a guy last night.
364
00:15:20,363 --> 00:15:23,364
Asked me if we could go dutch.
365
00:15:23,366 --> 00:15:25,366
I said, "I don't know."
366
00:15:25,368 --> 00:15:27,268
"what's dutch for
cheap-ass bitch?"
367
00:15:27,270 --> 00:15:30,237
[laughter]
368
00:15:30,239 --> 00:15:33,207
- You kick him to the curb!
369
00:15:33,209 --> 00:15:35,109
- We'll be right back,
370
00:15:35,111 --> 00:15:37,611
Because mama's gotta go
put her feet up.
371
00:15:37,613 --> 00:15:39,013
[applause]
- uh, miss?
372
00:15:39,015 --> 00:15:40,381
Can we get another round
when you get a chance?
373
00:15:40,383 --> 00:15:41,749
- Another round?
374
00:15:41,751 --> 00:15:44,585
- And keep them coming until
we can no longer see.
375
00:15:44,587 --> 00:15:45,720
Put it on my card.
376
00:15:45,722 --> 00:15:46,787
- You got it.
377
00:15:46,789 --> 00:15:49,090
- Man, that feels good
every time.
378
00:15:49,092 --> 00:15:51,258
- Hey, max.
Just because
379
00:15:51,260 --> 00:15:52,226
You're buying me drinks
380
00:15:52,228 --> 00:15:56,230
Doesn't mean
I'm going to put out.
381
00:15:56,232 --> 00:16:01,402
My celery stick is my
microphone at the comedy club!
382
00:16:01,404 --> 00:16:03,938
- I'm here, I'm here.
383
00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:05,406
- Did you get the puppet?
384
00:16:05,408 --> 00:16:08,309
- Oh, I've got the puppet.
385
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:17,585
- Hey, come on in.
386
00:16:17,587 --> 00:16:20,554
Hey, girls.
How you doing?
387
00:16:20,556 --> 00:16:22,790
Darius the hilarious is pumped.
388
00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:24,625
I'm totally in
my zone right now.
389
00:16:24,627 --> 00:16:27,294
And I can't miss
in this suit.
390
00:16:27,296 --> 00:16:30,031
Both: Well...
391
00:16:30,033 --> 00:16:32,366
- Darius, that's what we wanted
to talk to you about.
392
00:16:32,368 --> 00:16:34,101
You know we're big fans.
- Big, big fans.
393
00:16:34,103 --> 00:16:35,603
- You're amazing,
your act's incredible.
394
00:16:35,605 --> 00:16:36,971
- Your darius the hilarious.
395
00:16:36,973 --> 00:16:38,906
- Max and I love
the smart car stuff.
396
00:16:38,908 --> 00:16:41,242
- It's hilarious,
per your name.
397
00:16:41,244 --> 00:16:42,777
- But, well, it is new york.
398
00:16:42,779 --> 00:16:44,278
Not a lot of people
are smart, or have cars.
399
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,780
- Yeah, you know new york.
400
00:16:45,782 --> 00:16:47,415
Not exactly the cutting edge.
401
00:16:47,417 --> 00:16:49,250
- So, after max and I left you,
we had a thought.
402
00:16:49,252 --> 00:16:52,019
- We got you a puppet.
403
00:16:52,021 --> 00:16:54,789
And, yes, I was stoned.
But caroline was laughing
404
00:16:54,791 --> 00:16:57,792
Just as hard as me.
405
00:16:57,794 --> 00:16:59,060
- You got me a what?
406
00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:00,795
- A puppet.
We got you a puppet.
407
00:17:00,797 --> 00:17:02,630
- But I don't use a puppet.
408
00:17:02,632 --> 00:17:05,032
- Until you do.
409
00:17:05,034 --> 00:17:06,767
- Just imagine,
at the end of your act
410
00:17:06,769 --> 00:17:08,769
Or in the beginning...
- Or all the way through.
411
00:17:08,771 --> 00:17:11,372
- Ladies and gentlemen,
darius the hilarious
412
00:17:11,374 --> 00:17:15,009
And his partner,
justin beaver!
413
00:17:17,979 --> 00:17:20,448
"damn, girl.
And I mean dam."
414
00:17:20,450 --> 00:17:24,852
"as in, I built one."
415
00:17:24,854 --> 00:17:26,554
And you don't even
have to be funny because
416
00:17:26,556 --> 00:17:28,689
Justin beaver does
the work for you.
417
00:17:28,691 --> 00:17:31,792
Show him, max.
418
00:17:31,794 --> 00:17:33,194
- "I'm straight".
419
00:17:33,196 --> 00:17:35,963
[laughter]
420
00:17:35,965 --> 00:17:38,299
Both: You gotta laugh!
421
00:17:38,301 --> 00:17:41,202
- Do I?
422
00:17:41,204 --> 00:17:42,303
I mean, honestly?
423
00:17:42,305 --> 00:17:44,905
Making fun of
justin beaver's sexuality?
424
00:17:44,907 --> 00:17:46,941
I find that a tad offensive.
425
00:17:52,214 --> 00:17:56,083
- This next act comes to us
from the motor city.
426
00:17:56,085 --> 00:17:59,653
Please give it up for
mr. Darius the hilarious.
427
00:17:59,655 --> 00:18:03,524
[applause]
428
00:18:03,526 --> 00:18:07,394
- All right.
How's everybody doing tonight?
429
00:18:07,396 --> 00:18:10,064
Who out there
has a smart car?
430
00:18:10,066 --> 00:18:13,400
Because I don't think it's smart
to drive a half a car.
431
00:18:13,402 --> 00:18:15,903
You gotta laugh.
432
00:18:15,905 --> 00:18:18,305
- [fake laugh]
433
00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:22,710
- Oh, no.
I ran out of fake laughter.
434
00:18:22,712 --> 00:18:24,311
- Yeah, I mean, smart car.
435
00:18:24,313 --> 00:18:25,980
Have you seen this thing?
436
00:18:25,982 --> 00:18:30,918
It's like you driving
around in a backpack.
437
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,953
You gotta laugh.
438
00:18:32,955 --> 00:18:34,321
- Do we?
439
00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:39,226
Why don't we have a smart car
write some jokes for you?
440
00:18:39,228 --> 00:18:42,096
- Yeah, well, I can see why you
would defend the smart car.
441
00:18:42,098 --> 00:18:44,732
It's the only car your feet
can reach the pedals in.
442
00:18:44,734 --> 00:18:49,069
[laughter]
443
00:18:49,071 --> 00:18:54,308
- Yeah, but that's so true.
He's very short!
444
00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:59,213
- As is the car.
It all lines up.
445
00:18:59,215 --> 00:19:01,081
- Look at this
gray-haired scrub, man.
446
00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:04,451
Apparently black do crack.
447
00:19:04,453 --> 00:19:06,153
Hey, don king called.
448
00:19:06,155 --> 00:19:08,022
Said he want
his whole head back.
449
00:19:10,058 --> 00:19:13,394
- Max, look.
Look how proud earl is.
450
00:19:13,396 --> 00:19:14,428
- Hey, hey, hey, blondie.
451
00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:16,397
You mind not talking
until I finish?
452
00:19:16,399 --> 00:19:17,932
Wait, a minute.
You're probably just thinking,
453
00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:23,671
"oh, my god. Shoes, shoes,
hairbrush, shoes."
454
00:19:23,673 --> 00:19:24,772
- Oh, my god.
455
00:19:24,774 --> 00:19:29,043
I actually was
thinking about shoes!
456
00:19:29,045 --> 00:19:31,312
- I'm sorry, there's
a problem with your card.
457
00:19:31,314 --> 00:19:33,280
It's been declined.
458
00:19:40,055 --> 00:19:41,322
- Max.
459
00:19:41,324 --> 00:19:44,091
Darius told me what you did and
that was awful nice of you.
460
00:19:44,093 --> 00:19:46,660
Now, here.
I am reimbursing you
461
00:19:46,662 --> 00:19:49,730
For all of the clothes
and for that damn puppet.
462
00:19:49,732 --> 00:19:54,301
Although I swore I would
never pay for beaver.
463
00:19:54,303 --> 00:19:56,136
- Do you think he'll
ever make it, earl?
464
00:19:56,138 --> 00:19:59,006
- Who's to say nowadays, max?
465
00:19:59,008 --> 00:20:03,611
America's got talent.
Do they?
466
00:20:03,613 --> 00:20:06,247
All I know is he's my kid,
and you went out of your way
467
00:20:06,249 --> 00:20:08,349
To try and help him.
468
00:20:08,351 --> 00:20:10,784
- Well, I just wanted
you to be proud.
469
00:20:10,786 --> 00:20:14,154
- I am, max.
Very proud.
470
00:20:17,726 --> 00:20:19,293
- I just talked to visa.
471
00:20:19,295 --> 00:20:24,265
I think they were disappointed
they had pre-approved us.
472
00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:27,268
- Look, I killed it.
I had to.
473
00:20:27,270 --> 00:20:29,937
It was telling me
to buy a harley.
474
00:20:29,939 --> 00:20:31,805
- Okay, open dialogue.
475
00:20:31,807 --> 00:20:34,642
I used the credit card for
one more thing yesterday.
476
00:20:34,644 --> 00:20:37,444
- Open dialogue.
So did I.
477
00:20:37,446 --> 00:20:40,180
- It's the fanciest lipstick
payless had.
478
00:20:40,182 --> 00:20:42,983
- Aw.
And here.
479
00:20:42,985 --> 00:20:44,852
- Max, are there lizards
in that bag?
480
00:20:44,854 --> 00:20:49,156
- I wish.
481
00:20:49,158 --> 00:20:52,593
- They're as good as new
and no bows.
482
00:20:52,595 --> 00:20:54,728
Max, where'd you find a cobbler?
483
00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:57,431
- A cobbler?
484
00:20:57,433 --> 00:21:00,134
I took a time machine.
485
00:21:00,136 --> 00:21:01,502
I was supposed to
kill hitler,
486
00:21:01,504 --> 00:21:04,305
But I thought your shoes
were more important.
487
00:21:04,307 --> 00:21:06,173
Okay, let's cut up your card.
488
00:21:06,175 --> 00:21:08,142
- We should keep one
for business emergencies.
489
00:21:08,144 --> 00:21:09,310
We just have to have
to put it someplace where
490
00:21:09,312 --> 00:21:11,245
We'll never be tempted
to reach for it.
491
00:21:11,247 --> 00:21:13,147
Oleg, would you put this
down your pants?
492
00:21:13,149 --> 00:21:16,483
- No problem.