1 00:00:05,982 --> 00:00:08,750 - Uh, what's happening right now? 2 00:00:08,752 --> 00:00:11,253 Max, are you smoking crack? 3 00:00:11,255 --> 00:00:12,754 - It's not crack, it's lipstick. 4 00:00:12,756 --> 00:00:15,357 I can afford crack. 5 00:00:15,359 --> 00:00:17,059 I'm at the end of my good lipstick and I can't afford 6 00:00:17,061 --> 00:00:19,895 To buy a new one so I'm going all breaking bad. 7 00:00:19,897 --> 00:00:21,063 - "breaking bad"? 8 00:00:21,065 --> 00:00:23,098 We're more like broke and sad. 9 00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:25,834 You're freebasing lipstick and look, 10 00:00:25,836 --> 00:00:28,070 This heel is starting to wobble. 11 00:00:28,072 --> 00:00:30,372 - Here, stick this in and hold it. 12 00:00:30,374 --> 00:00:32,007 I swear I've said that before, 13 00:00:32,009 --> 00:00:34,309 But I don't think it was about shoes. 14 00:00:35,511 --> 00:00:37,646 - Yo, dollface. It's been ten minutes! 15 00:00:37,648 --> 00:00:40,749 His chowder, my spaghetti. Where's the food? 16 00:00:40,751 --> 00:00:41,983 - "where's the food"? 17 00:00:41,985 --> 00:00:44,653 Where's your neck? 18 00:00:44,655 --> 00:00:48,190 - I wasn't listening. I was looking at your boobs. 19 00:00:48,192 --> 00:00:49,591 - Well, I do what I can but they'll never be 20 00:00:49,593 --> 00:00:52,160 As big as yours. 21 00:00:52,162 --> 00:00:54,062 - Pick up. Meatball. 22 00:00:54,064 --> 00:00:58,033 - Hey, hot stuff. Where's the hot stuff? 23 00:00:58,035 --> 00:00:59,201 - Oh, max. You were right. 24 00:00:59,203 --> 00:01:00,735 This heel is much more--no. 25 00:01:00,737 --> 00:01:01,870 No, wait! No, it's not. 26 00:01:01,872 --> 00:01:03,271 It's gonna-- 27 00:01:05,174 --> 00:01:07,175 - Those are the biggest balls those guys have had 28 00:01:07,177 --> 00:01:09,744 In their laps since they started steroids. 29 00:01:09,746 --> 00:01:11,046 [rock music] 30 00:01:11,048 --> 00:01:18,620 ♪ 31 00:01:29,031 --> 00:01:31,099 - I can't believe you masking taped the shoe to your leg. 32 00:01:31,101 --> 00:01:34,035 - I know but these are christian louboutins and 33 00:01:34,037 --> 00:01:35,871 Even all busted up like this they still have 34 00:01:35,873 --> 00:01:38,039 The classic red bottoms. 35 00:01:38,041 --> 00:01:39,174 - You know what else has red bottoms? 36 00:01:39,176 --> 00:01:40,509 Baboons. 37 00:01:40,511 --> 00:01:42,177 Walk around with a couple of them on your feet 38 00:01:42,179 --> 00:01:45,080 And I'm impressed. 39 00:01:45,082 --> 00:01:46,681 Well, at least now you can't see those stupid bows. 40 00:01:46,683 --> 00:01:49,217 Who put bows on their shoes? What's the gift? 41 00:01:49,219 --> 00:01:50,952 Your stinky feet? 42 00:01:50,954 --> 00:01:52,487 - You don't think I hate the bows? 43 00:01:52,489 --> 00:01:54,589 I bought these as an impulse purchase over a year ago. 44 00:01:54,591 --> 00:01:56,091 I didn't know I'd be shackled with them for eternity. 45 00:01:57,527 --> 00:01:59,494 [knock at door] 46 00:02:05,101 --> 00:02:06,902 - Oh, caroline. 47 00:02:06,904 --> 00:02:09,504 I never noticed you had a club foot. 48 00:02:09,506 --> 00:02:13,041 I would have set you up with my brother. 49 00:02:13,043 --> 00:02:15,243 - I broke my shoe in the diner. 50 00:02:15,245 --> 00:02:16,378 - Oh, I can help. 51 00:02:16,380 --> 00:02:20,215 I always carry my gym shoes in my bag. 52 00:02:20,217 --> 00:02:21,917 I'm sorry they're so conservative 53 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:24,286 But the weight room is a real meat rack. 54 00:02:24,288 --> 00:02:26,087 - Sophie, that's so sweet of you. 55 00:02:26,089 --> 00:02:28,623 But I still have one pair of my own shoes to wear. 56 00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:30,258 - Oh, well take them just in case. 57 00:02:30,260 --> 00:02:31,459 - You should take them. 58 00:02:31,461 --> 00:02:34,196 You'll make $20 just walking to work. 59 00:02:34,198 --> 00:02:36,565 - And some of your mail got mixed in with mine. 60 00:02:36,567 --> 00:02:38,667 - This is like the third time that mail lady did that. 61 00:02:38,669 --> 00:02:41,503 - All right. Nighty night. 62 00:02:43,339 --> 00:02:46,341 - Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you. 63 00:02:46,343 --> 00:02:48,376 - Let me explain. I'm not a scientologist. 64 00:02:48,378 --> 00:02:50,212 I just went that one time because I heard 65 00:02:50,214 --> 00:02:52,047 Some rich guy was looking for a wife. 66 00:02:52,049 --> 00:02:55,217 - No, we've been pre-approved for a credit card. 67 00:02:55,219 --> 00:02:56,351 - What? 68 00:02:56,353 --> 00:02:57,786 How the hell did we get pre-approved? 69 00:02:57,788 --> 00:03:00,055 - It says all we have to do is go online and apply 70 00:03:00,057 --> 00:03:03,592 And we can be approved in under two minutes. 71 00:03:03,594 --> 00:03:07,195 - Slow down, quasimodo. I can't have a credit card. 72 00:03:07,197 --> 00:03:09,364 Someone gave me a bag of chips ahoy cookies once 73 00:03:09,366 --> 00:03:11,766 And I ate the entire thing without breathing. 74 00:03:11,768 --> 00:03:13,068 - Well, you're not a child anymore. 75 00:03:13,070 --> 00:03:14,636 You have more discipline. 76 00:03:14,638 --> 00:03:18,006 - The cookies were yesterday. 77 00:03:18,008 --> 00:03:20,508 Okay, what is that thing? What is that spinning wheel? 78 00:03:20,510 --> 00:03:22,444 - It's just processing our application. 79 00:03:22,446 --> 00:03:23,712 - No, it's not. 80 00:03:23,714 --> 00:03:25,380 It's finding out everything about us. 81 00:03:25,382 --> 00:03:28,116 Now it's finding out your dad stole millions of dollars. 82 00:03:28,118 --> 00:03:31,186 Now it's finding out I got fired from eight dairy queens. 83 00:03:31,188 --> 00:03:35,023 Now it's finding out why I got fired from eight dairy queens. 84 00:03:35,025 --> 00:03:36,891 - Oh, my god. Max, we're approved. 85 00:03:36,893 --> 00:03:38,226 We've just been approved. 86 00:03:38,228 --> 00:03:42,030 - What? What is wrong with them? Does dairy queen report nothing? 87 00:03:42,032 --> 00:03:44,099 Get back on there and disapprove us. 88 00:03:44,101 --> 00:03:45,767 - Okay. Calm down. 89 00:03:45,769 --> 00:03:47,535 We need this card for our business. 90 00:03:47,537 --> 00:03:49,304 All we have to do is communicate with each other 91 00:03:49,306 --> 00:03:50,438 About every purchase, you know? 92 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,240 Keep an open dialogue. 93 00:03:52,242 --> 00:03:55,777 So, opening dialogue. For our business, 94 00:03:55,779 --> 00:03:57,612 I would like a pair of louboutins. 95 00:03:57,614 --> 00:04:00,282 - Opening dialogue. No. 96 00:04:00,284 --> 00:04:03,852 And I felt stupid miming that. I hate the arts. 97 00:04:03,854 --> 00:04:06,521 Look, you can't get everything you want. 98 00:04:06,523 --> 00:04:08,623 I would like a box of lizards. 99 00:04:08,625 --> 00:04:10,558 Love lizards, always have, 100 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,694 But you don't see me putting that on a credit card. 101 00:04:12,696 --> 00:04:14,929 - I need a new pair of shoes for business meetings. 102 00:04:14,931 --> 00:04:16,097 You know what they say, 103 00:04:16,099 --> 00:04:18,466 "dress for the job you want, not the job you have". 104 00:04:18,468 --> 00:04:20,101 - Okay, fine. 105 00:04:20,103 --> 00:04:22,270 If you're getting the shoes, then I'm getting what I want. 106 00:04:22,272 --> 00:04:23,972 I hope you're happy with an apartment 107 00:04:23,974 --> 00:04:25,740 Full of lizards and lipstick. 108 00:04:25,742 --> 00:04:29,377 Also, some of those lizards will be wearing lipstick. 109 00:04:32,948 --> 00:04:35,450 Earl, you are looking particularly gorgeous 110 00:04:35,452 --> 00:04:36,818 This evening. 111 00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:38,720 - Well, I would say, "don't flatter me" 112 00:04:38,722 --> 00:04:40,155 But let's face it. 113 00:04:40,157 --> 00:04:42,924 Everything came together tonight. 114 00:04:42,926 --> 00:04:45,527 - Is it another woman? Should I be filled with anger? 115 00:04:45,529 --> 00:04:47,762 I mean, more than I usually am? 116 00:04:47,764 --> 00:04:50,565 - I just want to look nice for my son when he comes in. 117 00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:53,034 - What? No way, I'm going to meet your kid? 118 00:04:53,036 --> 00:04:55,804 - Well, one of them. 119 00:04:55,806 --> 00:04:57,539 - "one of them"? How many do you have? 120 00:04:57,541 --> 00:05:00,241 - So far? 121 00:05:00,243 --> 00:05:02,210 - Oh, earl, I love you. 122 00:05:02,212 --> 00:05:03,211 - This is my son, darius. 123 00:05:03,213 --> 00:05:05,213 He's the number one chrysler salesman 124 00:05:05,215 --> 00:05:08,249 In all of detroit, and he's my very favorite, 125 00:05:08,251 --> 00:05:12,153 If he's the one I'm thinking of. 126 00:05:12,155 --> 00:05:15,390 - Excuse me, but aren't you max 127 00:05:15,392 --> 00:05:18,927 Of max's homemade cupcakes? 128 00:05:18,929 --> 00:05:20,128 - Earl, look. 129 00:05:20,130 --> 00:05:21,596 Our credit card came in the mail today. 130 00:05:21,598 --> 00:05:23,264 See? "max black". 131 00:05:23,266 --> 00:05:26,201 No more using the card I found at six flags. 132 00:05:28,104 --> 00:05:33,208 Thank you for never checking your statement, agnes chin. 133 00:05:33,210 --> 00:05:34,576 - Girls, take my advice 134 00:05:34,578 --> 00:05:36,544 And be very careful with that thing. 135 00:05:36,546 --> 00:05:38,079 Credit cards are more trouble 136 00:05:38,081 --> 00:05:41,116 Than a priest at a wiggles concert. 137 00:05:41,118 --> 00:05:43,084 Both: Yes, earl. 138 00:05:43,086 --> 00:05:46,254 - I can't believe it. A credit card for our business. 139 00:05:46,256 --> 00:05:48,056 So when are we getting the shoes and lizards? 140 00:05:48,058 --> 00:05:49,491 - Max, remember. 141 00:05:49,493 --> 00:05:51,259 We have to be grown-ups about this. 142 00:05:51,261 --> 00:05:52,560 - Of course. 143 00:05:52,562 --> 00:05:57,832 "two lizards, please. No, make it three." 144 00:05:57,834 --> 00:06:00,101 - Hi, I'm looking for earl. 145 00:06:00,103 --> 00:06:03,238 And no, I'm not here to return a bag of skunky weed. 146 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:06,307 - Oh, my god. I'm so excited to see you. 147 00:06:06,309 --> 00:06:08,943 Come on in, I'll take really, really good care of you. 148 00:06:08,945 --> 00:06:11,479 - Oh, you need to know I just separated from my wife, 149 00:06:11,481 --> 00:06:14,115 So I'm a little vulnerable. 150 00:06:14,117 --> 00:06:16,284 - She's not usually this nice to customers. 151 00:06:16,286 --> 00:06:17,585 She's just excited. 152 00:06:17,587 --> 00:06:20,155 She's about to come into some lizards. 153 00:06:21,490 --> 00:06:24,626 - Yeah, again. 154 00:06:24,628 --> 00:06:26,294 I've been out the dating pool for a while, 155 00:06:26,296 --> 00:06:30,832 So everything sound like a sexual innuendo to me. 156 00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:33,067 - He is not a customer. Look at him. 157 00:06:33,069 --> 00:06:35,804 Don't you see the resemblance? 158 00:06:37,139 --> 00:06:41,910 - Oh, my god is he your father? 159 00:06:41,912 --> 00:06:44,646 - Yes. He's my father. 160 00:06:44,648 --> 00:06:47,315 And my mother is a piece of chalk. 161 00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:50,652 - Daddy! 162 00:06:50,654 --> 00:06:52,420 - Thank god, it is the one I thought. 163 00:06:52,422 --> 00:06:54,889 There's my little boy! [laughter] 164 00:07:03,232 --> 00:07:04,933 - So, darius, what was earl like as a dad? 165 00:07:04,935 --> 00:07:06,100 It must have been great, huh? 166 00:07:06,102 --> 00:07:07,769 I bet he packed the coolest lunches. 167 00:07:07,771 --> 00:07:10,939 A joint for recess, and a gin and juice box. 168 00:07:10,941 --> 00:07:12,941 - Oh, yeah, yeah. He was a great dad. 169 00:07:12,943 --> 00:07:16,411 I mean, he was always there. Except for my childhood. 170 00:07:16,413 --> 00:07:18,246 [laughs] 171 00:07:18,248 --> 00:07:20,515 You've gotta laugh! 172 00:07:20,517 --> 00:07:23,017 - Earl is sitting right there. 173 00:07:23,019 --> 00:07:27,121 - Well, it's a joke. Take it easy there, fun size. 174 00:07:27,123 --> 00:07:28,857 - Han, take no offense. 175 00:07:28,859 --> 00:07:30,492 He's just pulling your leg a little. 176 00:07:30,494 --> 00:07:32,494 Darius has always been funny. 177 00:07:32,496 --> 00:07:34,796 Why am I thinking about terrence? 178 00:07:34,798 --> 00:07:36,297 - I don't know. I'm the funny one, dad. 179 00:07:36,299 --> 00:07:38,733 I don't recall there being a terrence in our family, 180 00:07:38,735 --> 00:07:42,070 But then again, I don't know how far you've thrown your seed. 181 00:07:42,072 --> 00:07:43,071 [laughs] 182 00:07:43,073 --> 00:07:45,073 You've gotta laugh. 183 00:07:45,075 --> 00:07:47,008 - Do you? 184 00:07:47,010 --> 00:07:48,843 - Darius was voted the funniest salesman 185 00:07:48,845 --> 00:07:50,845 At the chrysler dealership. 186 00:07:50,847 --> 00:07:53,114 - Yes, I was. And that's why I quit my job. 187 00:07:53,116 --> 00:07:55,350 To pursue my dream to become a comedian. 188 00:07:55,352 --> 00:07:58,686 [laughs] 189 00:07:58,688 --> 00:08:00,455 - See? See, he's funny. 190 00:08:00,457 --> 00:08:02,090 Always making jokes. 191 00:08:02,092 --> 00:08:04,158 - That's not a joke, daddy. 192 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,361 No, no, that's why I'm in town. 193 00:08:06,363 --> 00:08:09,030 To audition at the comedy club tomorrow night. 194 00:08:09,032 --> 00:08:10,932 I already got my stage name. 195 00:08:10,934 --> 00:08:13,968 "darius the hilarious". 196 00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:15,503 I think it's a good choice, right? 197 00:08:15,505 --> 00:08:19,107 - Is it? 198 00:08:19,109 --> 00:08:22,076 - Well, obviously, big d, we will all be there 199 00:08:22,078 --> 00:08:23,244 To support you. 200 00:08:23,246 --> 00:08:25,280 - Will we? 201 00:08:25,282 --> 00:08:28,283 - Hold up, darius. How did all of this happen? 202 00:08:28,285 --> 00:08:30,518 - Well, I mean, I knew a guy at cadillac 203 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,154 Who knew a guy at toyota who knew a guy at subaru 204 00:08:33,156 --> 00:08:35,290 Who sold the club owner a dodge. 205 00:08:35,292 --> 00:08:37,258 And then he hit a kid with it. 206 00:08:37,260 --> 00:08:39,294 The kid should have dodged. 207 00:08:39,296 --> 00:08:41,496 You gotta laugh! 208 00:08:41,498 --> 00:08:44,666 - There's a dead kid in the mix and we got to laugh? 209 00:08:46,535 --> 00:08:48,136 - It's not his fault he's not funny. 210 00:08:48,138 --> 00:08:51,306 We put his sense of humor on a high shelf. 211 00:08:51,308 --> 00:08:53,207 - Hey, max, you know, 212 00:08:53,209 --> 00:08:55,076 Daddy always told me you were special, 213 00:08:55,078 --> 00:08:56,511 And now I see it. 214 00:08:56,513 --> 00:08:59,247 And it's not just because you think everything I say is funny. 215 00:08:59,249 --> 00:09:00,815 You feel like family. 216 00:09:00,817 --> 00:09:04,118 I do? Oh, I always wanted a brother... 217 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,487 Who was a brother. 218 00:09:06,489 --> 00:09:09,324 [laughter] 219 00:09:09,326 --> 00:09:12,760 - Max, do you expect me to wait on all the tables tonight? 220 00:09:12,762 --> 00:09:14,495 - Well, I am kind of in the middle of 221 00:09:14,497 --> 00:09:17,765 My family reunion right now. 222 00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,201 And where is mr. Hilarious' soup? 223 00:09:20,203 --> 00:09:22,170 - Look at blondie, here. She's like, 224 00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:26,641 "oh my god, do black people even eat soup?" 225 00:09:26,643 --> 00:09:29,777 "it's like, whatever." 226 00:09:29,779 --> 00:09:32,513 - That is a dead-on caroline. 227 00:09:32,515 --> 00:09:35,249 - Is it? 228 00:09:37,019 --> 00:09:39,187 - Here is your order ticket from tonight. 229 00:09:39,189 --> 00:09:42,790 This pile is for the people who found hair. 230 00:09:42,792 --> 00:09:46,461 These are the hairs that the people found. 231 00:09:46,463 --> 00:09:48,162 - Oh, you sound russian. 232 00:09:48,164 --> 00:09:52,433 That's funny because you're not rushin' to make my soup. 233 00:09:52,435 --> 00:09:54,135 No, no, no, no. I'm kidding you, man. 234 00:09:54,137 --> 00:09:56,270 I get it. You're just too busy back there 235 00:09:56,272 --> 00:09:58,840 Not putting on deodorant. 236 00:09:58,842 --> 00:10:00,775 You gotta laugh. 237 00:10:00,777 --> 00:10:04,312 - Do you? 238 00:10:04,314 --> 00:10:05,947 - Max, I might be crazy but now I feel like 239 00:10:05,949 --> 00:10:09,150 The heel of this shoe's starting to-- 240 00:10:09,152 --> 00:10:12,153 - Oh, gosh. Now I got to go wipe this down. 241 00:10:12,155 --> 00:10:14,889 You know, I was going to wear this for my audition. 242 00:10:14,891 --> 00:10:16,324 And that's gotta go well. 243 00:10:16,326 --> 00:10:17,725 - Yes, it does. Because son, 244 00:10:17,727 --> 00:10:22,130 There are two jobs in detroit, and you just quit one of them. 245 00:10:22,132 --> 00:10:23,531 - Don't worry, daddy. I'll make you proud. 246 00:10:23,533 --> 00:10:25,533 All right? You'll see. 247 00:10:25,535 --> 00:10:27,268 Daddy's been wrong before. 248 00:10:27,270 --> 00:10:28,970 He didn't think I could make it on soul train, 249 00:10:28,972 --> 00:10:30,371 But there I was, 250 00:10:30,373 --> 00:10:33,841 In the bottom left corner on soul train. 251 00:10:38,614 --> 00:10:40,114 - I feel so terrible. 252 00:10:40,116 --> 00:10:42,150 - Well, you know we have to buy him a new shirt. 253 00:10:42,152 --> 00:10:44,118 - Max, I've made seven dollars so far. 254 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,386 We can't afford to buy him a shirt. 255 00:10:45,388 --> 00:10:47,889 - We can go shopping for a reasonable shirt. 256 00:10:47,891 --> 00:10:49,724 We have to. He's family. 257 00:10:49,726 --> 00:10:52,126 - Is he? 258 00:10:52,128 --> 00:10:54,896 And I have to say, I don't like that brand of put-down humor. 259 00:10:54,898 --> 00:10:56,297 And that blonde stereotype? 260 00:10:56,299 --> 00:10:57,665 I mean, I don't even say "whatever". 261 00:10:57,667 --> 00:11:00,068 But, you know, it's fine. Whatever. 262 00:11:06,141 --> 00:11:07,775 - Max, slow down. 263 00:11:07,777 --> 00:11:11,512 I can't walk any faster in sophie's giant sneakers. 264 00:11:11,514 --> 00:11:15,483 I can't believe she benches 250 in these. 265 00:11:15,485 --> 00:11:16,884 Oh, my god. 266 00:11:16,886 --> 00:11:19,020 My hand just touched the subway floor. 267 00:11:19,022 --> 00:11:21,889 How do I know someone didn't pee here? 268 00:11:21,891 --> 00:11:25,226 - Oh, honey, I've peed here. 269 00:11:25,228 --> 00:11:27,628 This is new york. It's made of pee. 270 00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:30,898 And pee hand is what you get for refusing to wear flat shoes. 271 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,200 - No way. 272 00:11:32,202 --> 00:11:33,501 I'm living so close to the gutter as it is. 273 00:11:33,503 --> 00:11:36,204 I can't risk being any shorter. 274 00:11:36,206 --> 00:11:37,638 - Here's where we're meeting darius. 275 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:38,973 "subway style". 276 00:11:38,975 --> 00:11:40,908 - Every time I walk by this place I wonder 277 00:11:40,910 --> 00:11:42,710 "who would ever shop here?" 278 00:11:42,712 --> 00:11:44,779 Now I know--us. 279 00:11:44,781 --> 00:11:45,947 First my heel breaks, 280 00:11:45,949 --> 00:11:47,448 And now I'm shopping underground. 281 00:11:47,450 --> 00:11:49,050 How much lower can I get? 282 00:11:49,052 --> 00:11:51,385 Brunch on the earth's core? 283 00:11:53,489 --> 00:11:56,858 - Mmm, oh. Excuse my mouthful. 284 00:11:56,860 --> 00:11:58,726 Mm, I wasn't expecting ladies. 285 00:11:58,728 --> 00:12:01,729 We usually just sell to pimps and pastors. 286 00:12:01,731 --> 00:12:04,465 What can I help you dolls with? 287 00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:06,467 - Actually, we're just here meeting a friend. 288 00:12:06,469 --> 00:12:08,069 We're going to help him pick out a shirt. 289 00:12:08,071 --> 00:12:09,403 - Oh, that guy? 290 00:12:09,405 --> 00:12:12,140 He's already in the dressing room trying one on now. 291 00:12:12,142 --> 00:12:15,176 Now, listen, if the price is too high, 292 00:12:15,178 --> 00:12:18,679 You and I can, uh, negotiate. 293 00:12:18,681 --> 00:12:21,883 Or you. 294 00:12:21,885 --> 00:12:23,985 I still can't believe we're using our tip money 295 00:12:23,987 --> 00:12:25,219 To buy him a shirt. 296 00:12:25,221 --> 00:12:26,888 - We're only going to spend like $40. 297 00:12:26,890 --> 00:12:29,023 And you heard the man. It can go down. 298 00:12:29,025 --> 00:12:31,492 If you go down. 299 00:12:31,494 --> 00:12:34,028 - Oh, hey ladies. There you are. 300 00:12:34,030 --> 00:12:35,797 Look, I switched it up a little bit. 301 00:12:35,799 --> 00:12:37,331 Do you like me in pink? 302 00:12:37,333 --> 00:12:40,201 My boyfriend does. 303 00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:44,038 He says it makes my cheeks look rosy, all four of them. 304 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,674 You gotta laugh, you gotta laugh! 305 00:12:46,676 --> 00:12:49,310 Darius, we're family, so I'm just going to tell you 306 00:12:49,312 --> 00:12:50,545 Like it is. 307 00:12:50,547 --> 00:12:53,147 That material feels a little funky. 308 00:12:53,149 --> 00:12:55,650 I mean, that kind of humor might have worked over at toyota-- 309 00:12:55,652 --> 00:12:56,984 - It's chrysler. - Whatever. 310 00:12:56,986 --> 00:12:59,520 But this is new york. There are a lot of people, 311 00:12:59,522 --> 00:13:03,191 Be them gays, or blondes, who might take offense to that. 312 00:13:03,193 --> 00:13:05,726 I mean, I don't, but, whatever. 313 00:13:05,728 --> 00:13:07,528 - Oh, no, no, no. I was just playing. 314 00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:10,164 That's not the kind of stuff I'm gonna do in my act tonight. 315 00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:13,000 No, I wrote some real jokes with a comic back home. 316 00:13:13,002 --> 00:13:14,836 And, he's jewish, so you know it's gonna be funny. 317 00:13:14,838 --> 00:13:16,337 And not cheap. 318 00:13:16,339 --> 00:13:18,339 - Again, see? That's the kind of stuff... 319 00:13:18,341 --> 00:13:21,242 - Caroline, come on. It's so wrong it's right. 320 00:13:21,244 --> 00:13:23,144 - Look, I have the jokes right here. 321 00:13:23,146 --> 00:13:25,546 Let's take them on a little test drive and see how they do. 322 00:13:25,548 --> 00:13:28,015 All right? So back it up, ladies. 323 00:13:28,017 --> 00:13:30,218 You going to need some laughing room. 324 00:13:30,220 --> 00:13:33,154 - This is going to be hilarious. 325 00:13:33,156 --> 00:13:34,822 - Anybody here have a smart car? 326 00:13:34,824 --> 00:13:39,760 Because I don't think it's smart to drive half a car. 327 00:13:39,762 --> 00:13:42,697 - [fake laugh] 328 00:13:42,699 --> 00:13:44,866 - That was new, I'll keep working on it. 329 00:13:44,868 --> 00:13:46,500 All right, let's try another one. 330 00:13:46,502 --> 00:13:49,871 - You know what, maybe we weren't back far enough. 331 00:13:49,873 --> 00:13:51,072 Yeah! 332 00:13:51,074 --> 00:13:53,074 Yeah, that feels funnier already, right caroline? 333 00:13:53,076 --> 00:13:54,242 - [fake laugh] 334 00:13:54,244 --> 00:13:55,543 - All right. 335 00:13:55,545 --> 00:13:57,979 You know who doesn't drive a smart car? 336 00:13:57,981 --> 00:14:03,551 Smart people. They don't do it. 337 00:14:03,553 --> 00:14:05,419 You gotta laugh. 338 00:14:05,421 --> 00:14:06,854 Seriously. 339 00:14:06,856 --> 00:14:10,491 You've got to. I've got a lot riding on this. 340 00:14:10,493 --> 00:14:12,226 - I just got it. 341 00:14:12,228 --> 00:14:14,328 [fake laugh] 342 00:14:14,330 --> 00:14:16,931 Oh, my god. He stinks. 343 00:14:16,933 --> 00:14:20,001 He stinks on ice. Darius is gonna bomb tonight 344 00:14:20,003 --> 00:14:22,270 And worse, he's going to bomb in front of earl. 345 00:14:22,272 --> 00:14:26,374 And earl's pretty sure that's the son he's most proud of. 346 00:14:26,376 --> 00:14:28,242 - You're right. What are we gonna do? 347 00:14:28,244 --> 00:14:31,245 - Now I know you lovely ladies came in for a shirt, 348 00:14:31,247 --> 00:14:33,381 But can I interest you in a nice suit? 349 00:14:33,383 --> 00:14:35,883 Look at this one. It's a classic. 350 00:14:35,885 --> 00:14:39,754 You can't get this color above ground. 351 00:14:39,756 --> 00:14:43,257 - That's it. Darius needs a suit. 352 00:14:43,259 --> 00:14:45,092 All the professional comedians wear suits, 353 00:14:45,094 --> 00:14:46,327 And like you said, 354 00:14:46,329 --> 00:14:48,329 You have to dress for the job you want. 355 00:14:48,331 --> 00:14:49,563 And with jokes like that, 356 00:14:49,565 --> 00:14:53,167 He needs the funniest suit they have. 357 00:14:53,169 --> 00:14:55,870 Do you have anything from the sinbad collection? 358 00:14:55,872 --> 00:14:59,340 - I do. 359 00:14:59,342 --> 00:15:01,943 - Max, I don't think the suit's gonna be enough. 360 00:15:01,945 --> 00:15:05,947 I think he needs something else, you know, like, a puppet. 361 00:15:05,949 --> 00:15:07,415 - A puppet? 362 00:15:07,417 --> 00:15:10,351 That's exactly what he needs. 363 00:15:19,061 --> 00:15:20,361 - I went out with a guy last night. 364 00:15:20,363 --> 00:15:23,364 Asked me if we could go dutch. 365 00:15:23,366 --> 00:15:25,366 I said, "I don't know." 366 00:15:25,368 --> 00:15:27,268 "what's dutch for cheap-ass bitch?" 367 00:15:27,270 --> 00:15:30,237 [laughter] 368 00:15:30,239 --> 00:15:33,207 - You kick him to the curb! 369 00:15:33,209 --> 00:15:35,109 - We'll be right back, 370 00:15:35,111 --> 00:15:37,611 Because mama's gotta go put her feet up. 371 00:15:37,613 --> 00:15:39,013 [applause] - uh, miss? 372 00:15:39,015 --> 00:15:40,381 Can we get another round when you get a chance? 373 00:15:40,383 --> 00:15:41,749 - Another round? 374 00:15:41,751 --> 00:15:44,585 - And keep them coming until we can no longer see. 375 00:15:44,587 --> 00:15:45,720 Put it on my card. 376 00:15:45,722 --> 00:15:46,787 - You got it. 377 00:15:46,789 --> 00:15:49,090 - Man, that feels good every time. 378 00:15:49,092 --> 00:15:51,258 - Hey, max. Just because 379 00:15:51,260 --> 00:15:52,226 You're buying me drinks 380 00:15:52,228 --> 00:15:56,230 Doesn't mean I'm going to put out. 381 00:15:56,232 --> 00:16:01,402 My celery stick is my microphone at the comedy club! 382 00:16:01,404 --> 00:16:03,938 - I'm here, I'm here. 383 00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:05,406 - Did you get the puppet? 384 00:16:05,408 --> 00:16:08,309 - Oh, I've got the puppet. 385 00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:17,585 - Hey, come on in. 386 00:16:17,587 --> 00:16:20,554 Hey, girls. How you doing? 387 00:16:20,556 --> 00:16:22,790 Darius the hilarious is pumped. 388 00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:24,625 I'm totally in my zone right now. 389 00:16:24,627 --> 00:16:27,294 And I can't miss in this suit. 390 00:16:27,296 --> 00:16:30,031 Both: Well... 391 00:16:30,033 --> 00:16:32,366 - Darius, that's what we wanted to talk to you about. 392 00:16:32,368 --> 00:16:34,101 You know we're big fans. - Big, big fans. 393 00:16:34,103 --> 00:16:35,603 - You're amazing, your act's incredible. 394 00:16:35,605 --> 00:16:36,971 - Your darius the hilarious. 395 00:16:36,973 --> 00:16:38,906 - Max and I love the smart car stuff. 396 00:16:38,908 --> 00:16:41,242 - It's hilarious, per your name. 397 00:16:41,244 --> 00:16:42,777 - But, well, it is new york. 398 00:16:42,779 --> 00:16:44,278 Not a lot of people are smart, or have cars. 399 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,780 - Yeah, you know new york. 400 00:16:45,782 --> 00:16:47,415 Not exactly the cutting edge. 401 00:16:47,417 --> 00:16:49,250 - So, after max and I left you, we had a thought. 402 00:16:49,252 --> 00:16:52,019 - We got you a puppet. 403 00:16:52,021 --> 00:16:54,789 And, yes, I was stoned. But caroline was laughing 404 00:16:54,791 --> 00:16:57,792 Just as hard as me. 405 00:16:57,794 --> 00:16:59,060 - You got me a what? 406 00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:00,795 - A puppet. We got you a puppet. 407 00:17:00,797 --> 00:17:02,630 - But I don't use a puppet. 408 00:17:02,632 --> 00:17:05,032 - Until you do. 409 00:17:05,034 --> 00:17:06,767 - Just imagine, at the end of your act 410 00:17:06,769 --> 00:17:08,769 Or in the beginning... - Or all the way through. 411 00:17:08,771 --> 00:17:11,372 - Ladies and gentlemen, darius the hilarious 412 00:17:11,374 --> 00:17:15,009 And his partner, justin beaver! 413 00:17:17,979 --> 00:17:20,448 "damn, girl. And I mean dam." 414 00:17:20,450 --> 00:17:24,852 "as in, I built one." 415 00:17:24,854 --> 00:17:26,554 And you don't even have to be funny because 416 00:17:26,556 --> 00:17:28,689 Justin beaver does the work for you. 417 00:17:28,691 --> 00:17:31,792 Show him, max. 418 00:17:31,794 --> 00:17:33,194 - "I'm straight". 419 00:17:33,196 --> 00:17:35,963 [laughter] 420 00:17:35,965 --> 00:17:38,299 Both: You gotta laugh! 421 00:17:38,301 --> 00:17:41,202 - Do I? 422 00:17:41,204 --> 00:17:42,303 I mean, honestly? 423 00:17:42,305 --> 00:17:44,905 Making fun of justin beaver's sexuality? 424 00:17:44,907 --> 00:17:46,941 I find that a tad offensive. 425 00:17:52,214 --> 00:17:56,083 - This next act comes to us from the motor city. 426 00:17:56,085 --> 00:17:59,653 Please give it up for mr. Darius the hilarious. 427 00:17:59,655 --> 00:18:03,524 [applause] 428 00:18:03,526 --> 00:18:07,394 - All right. How's everybody doing tonight? 429 00:18:07,396 --> 00:18:10,064 Who out there has a smart car? 430 00:18:10,066 --> 00:18:13,400 Because I don't think it's smart to drive a half a car. 431 00:18:13,402 --> 00:18:15,903 You gotta laugh. 432 00:18:15,905 --> 00:18:18,305 - [fake laugh] 433 00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:22,710 - Oh, no. I ran out of fake laughter. 434 00:18:22,712 --> 00:18:24,311 - Yeah, I mean, smart car. 435 00:18:24,313 --> 00:18:25,980 Have you seen this thing? 436 00:18:25,982 --> 00:18:30,918 It's like you driving around in a backpack. 437 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,953 You gotta laugh. 438 00:18:32,955 --> 00:18:34,321 - Do we? 439 00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:39,226 Why don't we have a smart car write some jokes for you? 440 00:18:39,228 --> 00:18:42,096 - Yeah, well, I can see why you would defend the smart car. 441 00:18:42,098 --> 00:18:44,732 It's the only car your feet can reach the pedals in. 442 00:18:44,734 --> 00:18:49,069 [laughter] 443 00:18:49,071 --> 00:18:54,308 - Yeah, but that's so true. He's very short! 444 00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:59,213 - As is the car. It all lines up. 445 00:18:59,215 --> 00:19:01,081 - Look at this gray-haired scrub, man. 446 00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:04,451 Apparently black do crack. 447 00:19:04,453 --> 00:19:06,153 Hey, don king called. 448 00:19:06,155 --> 00:19:08,022 Said he want his whole head back. 449 00:19:10,058 --> 00:19:13,394 - Max, look. Look how proud earl is. 450 00:19:13,396 --> 00:19:14,428 - Hey, hey, hey, blondie. 451 00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:16,397 You mind not talking until I finish? 452 00:19:16,399 --> 00:19:17,932 Wait, a minute. You're probably just thinking, 453 00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:23,671 "oh, my god. Shoes, shoes, hairbrush, shoes." 454 00:19:23,673 --> 00:19:24,772 - Oh, my god. 455 00:19:24,774 --> 00:19:29,043 I actually was thinking about shoes! 456 00:19:29,045 --> 00:19:31,312 - I'm sorry, there's a problem with your card. 457 00:19:31,314 --> 00:19:33,280 It's been declined. 458 00:19:40,055 --> 00:19:41,322 - Max. 459 00:19:41,324 --> 00:19:44,091 Darius told me what you did and that was awful nice of you. 460 00:19:44,093 --> 00:19:46,660 Now, here. I am reimbursing you 461 00:19:46,662 --> 00:19:49,730 For all of the clothes and for that damn puppet. 462 00:19:49,732 --> 00:19:54,301 Although I swore I would never pay for beaver. 463 00:19:54,303 --> 00:19:56,136 - Do you think he'll ever make it, earl? 464 00:19:56,138 --> 00:19:59,006 - Who's to say nowadays, max? 465 00:19:59,008 --> 00:20:03,611 America's got talent. Do they? 466 00:20:03,613 --> 00:20:06,247 All I know is he's my kid, and you went out of your way 467 00:20:06,249 --> 00:20:08,349 To try and help him. 468 00:20:08,351 --> 00:20:10,784 - Well, I just wanted you to be proud. 469 00:20:10,786 --> 00:20:14,154 - I am, max. Very proud. 470 00:20:17,726 --> 00:20:19,293 - I just talked to visa. 471 00:20:19,295 --> 00:20:24,265 I think they were disappointed they had pre-approved us. 472 00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:27,268 - Look, I killed it. I had to. 473 00:20:27,270 --> 00:20:29,937 It was telling me to buy a harley. 474 00:20:29,939 --> 00:20:31,805 - Okay, open dialogue. 475 00:20:31,807 --> 00:20:34,642 I used the credit card for one more thing yesterday. 476 00:20:34,644 --> 00:20:37,444 - Open dialogue. So did I. 477 00:20:37,446 --> 00:20:40,180 - It's the fanciest lipstick payless had. 478 00:20:40,182 --> 00:20:42,983 - Aw. And here. 479 00:20:42,985 --> 00:20:44,852 - Max, are there lizards in that bag? 480 00:20:44,854 --> 00:20:49,156 - I wish. 481 00:20:49,158 --> 00:20:52,593 - They're as good as new and no bows. 482 00:20:52,595 --> 00:20:54,728 Max, where'd you find a cobbler? 483 00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:57,431 - A cobbler? 484 00:20:57,433 --> 00:21:00,134 I took a time machine. 485 00:21:00,136 --> 00:21:01,502 I was supposed to kill hitler, 486 00:21:01,504 --> 00:21:04,305 But I thought your shoes were more important. 487 00:21:04,307 --> 00:21:06,173 Okay, let's cut up your card. 488 00:21:06,175 --> 00:21:08,142 - We should keep one for business emergencies. 489 00:21:08,144 --> 00:21:09,310 We just have to have to put it someplace where 490 00:21:09,312 --> 00:21:11,245 We'll never be tempted to reach for it. 491 00:21:11,247 --> 00:21:13,147 Oleg, would you put this down your pants? 492 00:21:13,149 --> 00:21:16,483 - No problem.