1
00:00:02,045 --> 00:00:03,645
- Max!
2
00:00:03,647 --> 00:00:05,614
Look at all these customers
from the brooklyn midnight ride.
3
00:00:05,616 --> 00:00:07,449
I smell diner success!
4
00:00:07,451 --> 00:00:12,087
- Really?
'cause I smell baked crotch.
5
00:00:12,089 --> 00:00:13,321
Can balls fart?
6
00:00:13,323 --> 00:00:17,059
Because I feel like
I'm smelling that too.
7
00:00:17,061 --> 00:00:18,560
- Where is oleg
with my orders?
8
00:00:18,562 --> 00:00:20,295
If my tables don't get food
soon, they're gonna--
9
00:00:20,297 --> 00:00:22,330
Oh, my god,
they're raising their arms.
10
00:00:22,332 --> 00:00:24,266
Ugh! Well, we know
it wasn't a charity ride
11
00:00:24,268 --> 00:00:25,834
To raise money for deodorant.
12
00:00:25,836 --> 00:00:28,403
[bell dinging]
oleg, where are my burgers?
13
00:00:28,405 --> 00:00:31,640
- I'm a little
in the weeds right now.
14
00:00:31,642 --> 00:00:34,009
- You mean you smoked
a little weed right now?
15
00:00:34,011 --> 00:00:35,710
- It's medicinal.
16
00:00:35,712 --> 00:00:38,613
Helps with
my chronic erection.
17
00:00:38,615 --> 00:00:40,982
- Can someone who's not
in the grateful dead
18
00:00:40,984 --> 00:00:43,618
Tell me how
we're gonna get food?
19
00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:45,754
- Follow me.
20
00:00:45,756 --> 00:00:47,389
You do plates, buns, coleslaw.
21
00:00:47,391 --> 00:00:48,590
I'll do burgers, fries,
22
00:00:48,592 --> 00:00:51,693
And any guy
who has no future.
23
00:00:51,695 --> 00:00:54,162
- Can you imagine
if we were born inside shells,
24
00:00:54,164 --> 00:00:58,200
And then even bigger animals
cracked us open to eat?
25
00:00:58,202 --> 00:01:00,435
- Fries on the plates!
26
00:01:00,437 --> 00:01:03,105
- Is anybody writing
this gold down?
27
00:01:03,107 --> 00:01:05,874
[slap]
28
00:01:05,876 --> 00:01:07,509
- All right, oleg.
I want in.
29
00:01:07,511 --> 00:01:09,344
Where's the--
30
00:01:09,346 --> 00:01:11,012
Or the--
31
00:01:11,014 --> 00:01:15,951
Or the--
32
00:01:15,953 --> 00:01:21,356
- Oh, my god, am I deaf?
33
00:01:21,358 --> 00:01:23,625
Wait, where is it?
34
00:01:23,627 --> 00:01:26,361
I put it somewhere.
35
00:01:32,902 --> 00:01:37,305
- Ooh, a french fry.
36
00:01:37,307 --> 00:01:39,674
- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
37
00:01:39,676 --> 00:01:41,143
[cash register bell dings]
38
00:01:41,145 --> 00:01:45,213
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
39
00:01:53,589 --> 00:01:54,890
- Hey. I don't
know where you guys are
40
00:01:54,892 --> 00:01:56,558
In your bike training.
Are we doping or desserting?
41
00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,326
I can help you either way.
42
00:01:58,328 --> 00:01:59,594
- We're thinking
about dessert.
43
00:01:59,596 --> 00:02:02,230
- Cool, how about
a max's homemade cupcake?
44
00:02:02,232 --> 00:02:03,665
- Eh, I don't think so.
45
00:02:03,667 --> 00:02:04,766
How's that cherry pie?
46
00:02:04,768 --> 00:02:06,768
- Nice. The family of mice
that lives in it
47
00:02:06,770 --> 00:02:10,438
Just renewed their lease.
48
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,641
So, a max's
homemade cupcake?
49
00:02:12,643 --> 00:02:14,576
- You keep saying
"max's homemade cupcakes"
50
00:02:14,578 --> 00:02:15,744
Like it's a thing.
51
00:02:15,746 --> 00:02:16,912
I've never heard of it.
52
00:02:16,914 --> 00:02:19,314
- I haven't either.
And we know a lot.
53
00:02:19,316 --> 00:02:25,220
- And yet you put
that headband on this morning.
54
00:02:25,222 --> 00:02:27,022
- So who's max?
- Yeah, who's max?
55
00:02:27,024 --> 00:02:28,623
- Who's max?
56
00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:33,728
She's lance armstrong's
left nut.
57
00:02:37,066 --> 00:02:40,235
What?
- Nothing.
58
00:02:42,471 --> 00:02:43,572
Caroline,
59
00:02:43,574 --> 00:02:46,308
You know I'm not
one to gossip,
60
00:02:46,310 --> 00:02:47,842
But just about 30 seconds ago,
61
00:02:47,844 --> 00:02:49,844
I saw max drop
some major attitude
62
00:02:49,846 --> 00:02:52,280
And blow a chance with
a possible cupcake customer.
63
00:02:52,282 --> 00:02:53,915
- That's your gossip?
64
00:02:53,917 --> 00:02:56,084
That max has an attitude?
65
00:02:56,086 --> 00:02:59,020
What are you gonna tell me next,
that elton john is gay?
66
00:02:59,022 --> 00:03:01,690
- Anyways,
I'm just saying about max,
67
00:03:01,692 --> 00:03:06,328
Bitch needs to take it
down a notch.
68
00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:11,533
- Bitch needs to mind
his own business.
69
00:03:11,535 --> 00:03:15,804
Max, did you blow a possible
cupcake customer tonight?
70
00:03:15,806 --> 00:03:21,509
- You know I don't mix
business with pleasure.
71
00:03:21,511 --> 00:03:23,478
- We have to keep
pushing our cupcakes.
72
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,281
Every table, every time,
"max's homemade cupcakes."
73
00:03:26,283 --> 00:03:27,449
- I did.
74
00:03:27,451 --> 00:03:29,084
I said my name
to that table more times
75
00:03:29,086 --> 00:03:31,486
Than my mother said it
my entire life.
76
00:03:31,488 --> 00:03:33,154
- But you can't
just say the name.
77
00:03:33,156 --> 00:03:34,556
You have to really sell it.
[scoffs]
78
00:03:34,558 --> 00:03:36,057
You should see me out there.
79
00:03:36,059 --> 00:03:37,859
"hope you saved room
for one of our delicious
80
00:03:37,861 --> 00:03:39,127
"max's homemade cupcakes.
81
00:03:39,129 --> 00:03:40,962
"they're moist,
delicious, creamy--"
82
00:03:40,964 --> 00:03:42,397
- Stop.
83
00:03:42,399 --> 00:03:46,334
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I am not a whore.
84
00:03:46,336 --> 00:03:48,103
- Oh, you're
a cupcake whore,
85
00:03:48,105 --> 00:03:51,606
And right now
I'm your pimp, so...
86
00:03:51,608 --> 00:03:52,841
How many
did you sell tonight?
87
00:03:52,843 --> 00:03:55,477
- Two.
Don't hit me, daddy!
88
00:03:55,479 --> 00:03:57,012
[laughter]
89
00:03:57,014 --> 00:03:59,214
Okay, how many
did you sell tonight?
90
00:03:59,216 --> 00:04:02,284
- I sold...Two.
91
00:04:02,286 --> 00:04:03,418
[sighs]
92
00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:05,120
Okay, we're bad whores.
93
00:04:05,122 --> 00:04:07,422
- No, we are tired whores.
94
00:04:07,424 --> 00:04:08,790
It's not the end of the world.
95
00:04:08,792 --> 00:04:11,126
We're just letting
a few el caminos drive by
96
00:04:11,128 --> 00:04:14,963
Because our wrists are sore.
97
00:04:14,965 --> 00:04:16,131
- I love you for that.
98
00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:19,334
You just put everything
into perspective.
99
00:04:19,336 --> 00:04:22,304
- So I says to caroline,
"it's so bad for business."
100
00:04:22,306 --> 00:04:24,572
And right now they're in
the kitchen having huge fight.
101
00:04:24,574 --> 00:04:29,811
I really worried that--
102
00:04:29,813 --> 00:04:33,515
- Lady chatterbox says
your business is in big trouble.
103
00:04:33,517 --> 00:04:38,553
- Please, everything
seems big to han.
104
00:04:38,555 --> 00:04:40,955
- Ready to go, sophie?
105
00:04:40,957 --> 00:04:43,058
And girls, sorry to hear
your business broke up
106
00:04:43,060 --> 00:04:46,628
And you aren't speaking.
107
00:04:48,464 --> 00:04:49,597
- We scared him.
108
00:04:49,599 --> 00:04:52,834
Now he's gonna run
under the stove.
109
00:04:52,836 --> 00:04:55,070
- I'm gonna make some calls
to help you.
110
00:04:55,072 --> 00:04:56,805
Get you some big party jobs.
111
00:04:56,807 --> 00:04:58,807
- That's so nice
of you, sophie.
112
00:04:58,809 --> 00:05:00,208
We really appreciate it.
113
00:05:00,210 --> 00:05:02,610
- You girls can make
some big money.
114
00:05:02,612 --> 00:05:06,548
As you know,
duza day is coming up.
115
00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:10,785
- Um, no, I do not know.
116
00:05:10,787 --> 00:05:12,587
What the hell is duza day?
117
00:05:12,589 --> 00:05:17,325
- Oh, duza day is huge holiday
in polish community.
118
00:05:17,327 --> 00:05:19,928
When a polish girl
reaches six feet,
119
00:05:19,930 --> 00:05:23,031
You give her big party.
120
00:05:23,033 --> 00:05:27,102
I had mine when I was seven.
121
00:05:28,738 --> 00:05:31,906
- [laughs]
122
00:05:31,908 --> 00:05:33,108
- Is this private giggling
123
00:05:33,110 --> 00:05:34,909
Or can anyone join?
124
00:05:34,911 --> 00:05:36,945
- [laughs]
125
00:05:36,947 --> 00:05:39,748
- What are you watching?
- My favorite show.
126
00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:41,282
- Abby & brittany,
the show about those
127
00:05:41,284 --> 00:05:43,385
Cute conjoined twins
with two heads, one torso?
128
00:05:43,387 --> 00:05:44,519
- Already watched it.
129
00:05:44,521 --> 00:05:46,988
They fought about a necklace.
- [laughs]
130
00:05:46,990 --> 00:05:48,923
- Now I'm watching
cupcake wars.
131
00:05:48,925 --> 00:05:50,825
- If our team
wins cupcake wars,
132
00:05:50,827 --> 00:05:52,293
We're gonna use
the $10,000 prize
133
00:05:52,295 --> 00:05:54,529
To finally open up
our own storefront.
134
00:05:54,531 --> 00:05:57,132
- Wait, $10,000?
What kind of show is this?
135
00:05:57,134 --> 00:05:58,833
- I thought google
eliminated the need
136
00:05:58,835 --> 00:06:01,436
To ask questions out loud,
but fine.
137
00:06:01,438 --> 00:06:02,704
It's a show on food network
138
00:06:02,706 --> 00:06:04,539
Where teams make cupcakes
and compete for money.
139
00:06:04,541 --> 00:06:06,508
- And why are we not on it?
140
00:06:06,510 --> 00:06:07,642
- [chuckles]
141
00:06:07,644 --> 00:06:09,010
Look at that dumb-dumb!
142
00:06:09,012 --> 00:06:10,912
She just dropped
the pastry bag.
143
00:06:10,914 --> 00:06:12,046
Hey, they're called hands,
144
00:06:12,048 --> 00:06:14,015
Learn how to use them,
dumb-dumb!
145
00:06:14,017 --> 00:06:15,417
[snickers]
146
00:06:15,419 --> 00:06:17,285
And that is why
we're not on it.
147
00:06:17,287 --> 00:06:19,521
- Not everyone's
as judgmental as you.
148
00:06:19,523 --> 00:06:21,589
- Oh, everyone's
as judgmental as me.
149
00:06:21,591 --> 00:06:23,224
And I don't need
some snarky bitch
150
00:06:23,226 --> 00:06:24,993
Pointing at us
on her tv going,
151
00:06:24,995 --> 00:06:26,094
"oh, look at that
blonde dumb-dumb
152
00:06:26,096 --> 00:06:28,596
And her hot friend
trying to do something."
153
00:06:28,598 --> 00:06:31,366
- Max, why don't you ever
let yourself dream?
154
00:06:31,368 --> 00:06:32,834
- Because in my dreams,
155
00:06:32,836 --> 00:06:35,203
Spiders are always
eating my eyes.
156
00:06:35,205 --> 00:06:37,071
- This might be
the big push we need.
157
00:06:37,073 --> 00:06:38,706
We can go on cupcake wars,
158
00:06:38,708 --> 00:06:40,809
Or we can keep
being cupcake whores.
159
00:06:40,811 --> 00:06:42,043
Think about it.
160
00:06:42,045 --> 00:06:43,511
We wouldn't have
to go car-to-car anymore,
161
00:06:43,513 --> 00:06:45,480
We could actually open
a brothel.
162
00:06:45,482 --> 00:06:47,081
- Wait, if brothel's
on the table,
163
00:06:47,083 --> 00:06:49,083
Why don't we just forget about
this cupcake thing?
164
00:06:49,085 --> 00:06:51,286
'cause that's a job
I can do without pants.
165
00:06:51,288 --> 00:06:52,954
- Seriously.
Let's at least go to
166
00:06:52,956 --> 00:06:54,088
The food network and apply.
167
00:06:54,090 --> 00:06:55,623
- That's not how it works.
168
00:06:55,625 --> 00:06:56,958
You fill out
an application online,
169
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,126
Submit a two-minute
home video,
170
00:06:58,128 --> 00:07:00,261
And then wait eight to ten days
for a response.
171
00:07:00,263 --> 00:07:02,664
- Huh, caught you dreaming.
172
00:07:02,666 --> 00:07:06,367
- All right, so maybe I thought
about it for, like, a second,
173
00:07:06,369 --> 00:07:07,635
When we first became a team.
174
00:07:07,637 --> 00:07:09,604
But then I remembered
the world's a dead-end
175
00:07:09,606 --> 00:07:11,206
And nothing good
happens ever to anyone.
176
00:07:11,208 --> 00:07:12,340
There's a gun
in that drawer.
177
00:07:12,342 --> 00:07:14,576
Do you want to just
kill ourselves?
178
00:07:14,578 --> 00:07:16,644
- Oh, max.
179
00:07:16,646 --> 00:07:19,347
You finally called us
a team.
180
00:07:19,349 --> 00:07:21,015
We are so going on
that show.
181
00:07:21,017 --> 00:07:23,718
- Seriously, I don't know
how abby and brittany do it,
182
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:24,919
Because I'm uncomfortable
with you
183
00:07:24,921 --> 00:07:27,589
Even sitting
this close to me.
184
00:07:34,263 --> 00:07:35,964
- Well, if we're making
an audition tape
185
00:07:35,966 --> 00:07:37,232
To be on
a reality show called,
186
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:38,900
"the world's
most uncomfortable t-shirt,"
187
00:07:38,902 --> 00:07:40,902
We have already won.
188
00:07:40,904 --> 00:07:44,005
- Yes, I could have gotten us
a more expensive shirt
189
00:07:44,007 --> 00:07:45,940
At american apparel,
but then we would
190
00:07:45,942 --> 00:07:48,076
Just look like
people pretending to be poor.
191
00:07:48,078 --> 00:07:52,113
- And 13, and probably
in the sex trade.
192
00:07:52,115 --> 00:07:53,481
I cannot believe you used
your flat iron
193
00:07:53,483 --> 00:07:54,983
To put these letters on.
194
00:07:54,985 --> 00:07:57,619
- Well, I can't believe you
once used it to make a panini,
195
00:07:57,621 --> 00:08:00,688
But--[scoffs]
that's what happens now.
196
00:08:00,690 --> 00:08:02,924
- Where's the scissors?
I gotta give this thing
197
00:08:02,926 --> 00:08:05,627
Some flave.
- Max, what are you doing?
198
00:08:05,629 --> 00:08:09,531
- Crew necks
are for squares and mormons.
199
00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:13,101
- Oh, cute!
Should we do mine?
200
00:08:13,103 --> 00:08:14,669
- I don't know.
201
00:08:14,671 --> 00:08:19,007
If you have no car,
why open the garage?
202
00:08:19,009 --> 00:08:21,476
[laughter]
203
00:08:21,478 --> 00:08:23,711
- So, I thought
we'd shoot it over here
204
00:08:23,713 --> 00:08:26,948
In our adorable, scrappy,
low-income kitchen.
205
00:08:26,950 --> 00:08:28,650
- Why are you
talking like that?
206
00:08:28,652 --> 00:08:30,451
- Because
that's our brand.
207
00:08:30,453 --> 00:08:32,020
I've watched a ton
of cupcake wars,
208
00:08:32,022 --> 00:08:33,154
And it's a lot
about branding.
209
00:08:33,156 --> 00:08:34,422
- And what are we?
210
00:08:34,424 --> 00:08:35,723
The girl who knows
how to make cupcakes
211
00:08:35,725 --> 00:08:37,892
And the girl who doesn't?
212
00:08:37,894 --> 00:08:39,627
- Max, I'm not worried
about that.
213
00:08:39,629 --> 00:08:41,496
You'll just tell me what to do,
like you always do,
214
00:08:41,498 --> 00:08:44,332
And we'll be the two scrappy
girls with so little
215
00:08:44,334 --> 00:08:45,667
You can't help
but love them.
216
00:08:45,669 --> 00:08:47,869
- I hate them already.
217
00:08:47,871 --> 00:08:49,070
[knock at door]
218
00:08:49,072 --> 00:08:50,505
- Okay, that's oleg.
219
00:08:50,507 --> 00:08:52,440
You did tell him
he's filming us for an audition
220
00:08:52,442 --> 00:08:53,975
And not making
a porno, right?
221
00:08:53,977 --> 00:08:57,979
- Yeah, I made it
very clear.
222
00:08:57,981 --> 00:09:01,015
- Why are your tops
still on?
223
00:09:01,017 --> 00:09:02,650
And why isn't
the plastic down?
224
00:09:02,652 --> 00:09:04,953
You're gonna
get oil everywhere.
225
00:09:04,955 --> 00:09:06,387
- Oleg, max told you
226
00:09:06,389 --> 00:09:07,822
We're not gonna make
that kind of movie.
227
00:09:07,824 --> 00:09:10,258
- I know, but so did every girl
that I worked with
228
00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:12,160
On "backdoor brides."
229
00:09:12,162 --> 00:09:14,729
And then again on
"backdoor brides two."
230
00:09:14,731 --> 00:09:18,766
But five minutes later,
it was "here comes the bride."
231
00:09:18,768 --> 00:09:20,501
- Oh, good.
232
00:09:20,503 --> 00:09:23,338
You still have your tops on.
233
00:09:23,340 --> 00:09:24,973
Yeah, they don't
have to make
234
00:09:24,975 --> 00:09:26,774
Girl-on-girl porn film
for money.
235
00:09:26,776 --> 00:09:28,409
I got you
big duza day party.
236
00:09:28,411 --> 00:09:30,311
300 cupcakes!
237
00:09:30,313 --> 00:09:32,580
- Oh, my god!
That's $1,200.
238
00:09:32,582 --> 00:09:35,650
- No, it's for free.
239
00:09:35,652 --> 00:09:37,251
You do it for connections,
240
00:09:37,253 --> 00:09:40,154
And for the hot and cold
pierogi buffet.
241
00:09:40,156 --> 00:09:41,623
- Oh, sophie, I don't know
if we should be taking
242
00:09:41,625 --> 00:09:42,924
Free work right now.
243
00:09:42,926 --> 00:09:44,325
We're doing this tv thing,
and if we get it,
244
00:09:44,327 --> 00:09:46,094
We don't know
what our schedule will be.
245
00:09:46,096 --> 00:09:48,763
- Oh, I didn't know
I was talking
246
00:09:48,765 --> 00:09:51,332
To cagney and lacey.
247
00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:54,135
Yeah, well, suit yourself.
248
00:09:54,137 --> 00:09:55,703
- We're sorry, sophie.
249
00:09:55,705 --> 00:09:58,172
You have every right
to be mad.
250
00:09:58,174 --> 00:10:00,375
Would a cupcake help?
251
00:10:00,377 --> 00:10:02,677
- Always.
252
00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:06,381
- Well, I just texted
the third girl not to come,
253
00:10:06,383 --> 00:10:09,784
So let's get this over with.
254
00:10:09,786 --> 00:10:11,853
- This is so exciting.
We're gonna be great.
255
00:10:11,855 --> 00:10:13,988
We got this, girl.
- Okay, stop.
256
00:10:13,990 --> 00:10:16,491
On every reality show,
people say lame things
257
00:10:16,493 --> 00:10:17,725
That we can never say.
258
00:10:17,727 --> 00:10:19,894
No fist bumping.
No high fives.
259
00:10:19,896 --> 00:10:22,230
You can't tell me
to "bring it," "shut it down,"
260
00:10:22,232 --> 00:10:24,232
Or "put our cupcake business
on the map."
261
00:10:24,234 --> 00:10:26,868
You can't tell me to "go, girl,"
or "bring my 'a' game,"
262
00:10:26,870 --> 00:10:28,503
And we don't "got this."
cool?
263
00:10:28,505 --> 00:10:29,737
- Cool.
264
00:10:29,739 --> 00:10:33,908
But we do got this, right?
- Yeah, we got this.
265
00:10:33,910 --> 00:10:35,677
- Okay, here we go, girls.
266
00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:40,214
Arch your backs.
Sorry, force of habit.
267
00:10:40,216 --> 00:10:41,349
Action.
268
00:10:41,351 --> 00:10:43,051
Hey, what's up?
I'm max,
269
00:10:43,053 --> 00:10:44,752
And this is my partner,
caroline.
270
00:10:44,754 --> 00:10:46,821
And we're
max's homemade cupcakes.
271
00:10:46,823 --> 00:10:51,359
And by homemade,
I mean, "ho!-Made.
272
00:10:51,361 --> 00:10:53,795
- [laughs]
you go, girl!
273
00:10:57,232 --> 00:11:00,134
- We are an online bakery...
- Well, we have a website.
274
00:11:00,136 --> 00:11:02,737
- And we're based right here
in williamsburg, brooklyn.
275
00:11:02,739 --> 00:11:04,839
And this is where
the magic happens.
276
00:11:04,841 --> 00:11:07,608
This is our kitchen-slash-
living room-slash-my bedroom--
277
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:09,777
- Slash my wrists, 'cause
I'm trying to bake all night
278
00:11:09,779 --> 00:11:12,246
While she's sleeping
over there.
279
00:11:12,248 --> 00:11:14,348
- And here
is our purple stove.
280
00:11:14,350 --> 00:11:15,616
Just because you're poor,
281
00:11:15,618 --> 00:11:17,585
That doesn't mean
you can't have style.
282
00:11:17,587 --> 00:11:19,954
- Or a horse
that just came in unannounced.
283
00:11:19,956 --> 00:11:21,789
- Oh, this is chestnut.
284
00:11:21,791 --> 00:11:23,324
- He's our test audience.
285
00:11:23,326 --> 00:11:24,625
- But we don't feed him
chocolate.
286
00:11:24,627 --> 00:11:26,327
- 'cause that would kill him.
287
00:11:26,329 --> 00:11:30,131
- [mouth full]
they have a horse!
288
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:34,669
- So pick us because we're
hard workers, we love the show,
289
00:11:34,671 --> 00:11:38,239
And we're females getting
their own, on their own.
290
00:11:38,241 --> 00:11:40,308
And cut!
That was so great.
291
00:11:40,310 --> 00:11:42,310
- Chestnut walking in
out of nowhere,
292
00:11:42,312 --> 00:11:43,845
We could not
have planned that.
293
00:11:43,847 --> 00:11:45,179
- Oh, but I did.
294
00:11:45,181 --> 00:11:46,781
That's our gimmick.
Try to beat that.
295
00:11:46,783 --> 00:11:48,249
Two girls with a horse.
296
00:11:48,251 --> 00:11:52,320
- And how is this not
a porn film?
297
00:11:55,124 --> 00:11:56,791
- ♪ I knew it, we got it
298
00:11:56,793 --> 00:11:58,926
♪ I knew it, I saw it!
299
00:11:58,928 --> 00:12:00,995
Is this how you imagined it
when you were laughing
300
00:12:00,997 --> 00:12:02,930
At all the dumb-dumbs
on cupcake wars?
301
00:12:02,932 --> 00:12:05,233
- I cannot believe
I am auditioning
302
00:12:05,235 --> 00:12:06,334
To be on cupcake wars.
303
00:12:06,336 --> 00:12:08,102
I am on the show I watch!
304
00:12:08,104 --> 00:12:09,604
Life is totally awesome.
305
00:12:09,606 --> 00:12:12,140
- Good morning.
I'm the cupcake wars
306
00:12:12,142 --> 00:12:14,075
Talent coordinating
producer, janis.
307
00:12:14,077 --> 00:12:16,911
- You are awesome.
Your show's awesome.
308
00:12:16,913 --> 00:12:19,280
Who would I talk to about
getting a mug to take home?
309
00:12:19,282 --> 00:12:21,916
- Not a gift shop.
310
00:12:21,918 --> 00:12:24,552
- Janis, hi, I'm caroline,
and this is my partner, max.
311
00:12:24,554 --> 00:12:26,487
- Loved your tape.
Great characters.
312
00:12:26,489 --> 00:12:27,889
- We are?
- We are.
313
00:12:27,891 --> 00:12:29,690
- Look, we're about to start
with the team intros.
314
00:12:29,692 --> 00:12:31,492
The other team
is up first and then you.
315
00:12:31,494 --> 00:12:33,227
And remember to b.Y.O.B.
316
00:12:33,229 --> 00:12:35,163
- Oh, if I had known I was
allowed to bring a bottle in,
317
00:12:35,165 --> 00:12:36,430
I wouldn't have chugged it
in the bathroom.
318
00:12:36,432 --> 00:12:38,499
- Max, that's not
what she meant.
319
00:12:38,501 --> 00:12:40,434
The food network is very pg.
320
00:12:40,436 --> 00:12:41,702
Janis, b.Y.O.B.?
321
00:12:41,704 --> 00:12:43,004
- "bring your own brand."
322
00:12:43,006 --> 00:12:44,438
Just like you did
on your home tape.
323
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,008
You're edgy with big boobs.
You're the "try hard."
324
00:12:47,010 --> 00:12:48,376
- I'm sorry, I'm the what?
325
00:12:48,378 --> 00:12:49,944
- That's your brand.
326
00:12:49,946 --> 00:12:51,145
The muscle and the hustle.
327
00:12:51,147 --> 00:12:55,483
The double-d's and the ditz.
328
00:12:55,485 --> 00:12:57,752
- I went to wharton.
I'm not a ditz.
329
00:12:57,754 --> 00:13:00,621
- Well you ain't
the double-d's.
330
00:13:00,623 --> 00:13:04,792
Can you believe she openly
commented on m'goods?
331
00:13:04,794 --> 00:13:06,294
- All right,
we're ready for team one.
332
00:13:06,296 --> 00:13:08,830
Step up.
333
00:13:08,832 --> 00:13:11,032
You have 30 seconds.
334
00:13:11,034 --> 00:13:13,835
- Okay, cute aprons.
But what's their brand?
335
00:13:13,837 --> 00:13:16,337
- In five, four,
three, two...
336
00:13:16,339 --> 00:13:18,539
- Hi, I'm felicia.
- And I'm blanche,
337
00:13:18,541 --> 00:13:20,875
And we're representing
the crescent city.
338
00:13:20,877 --> 00:13:23,811
Both: We're talking about
new orleans, y'all!
339
00:13:23,813 --> 00:13:26,814
- Cute accents, but no one
has a scrappier story than us.
340
00:13:26,816 --> 00:13:29,984
- Back in 2005,
when hurricane katrina hit...
341
00:13:29,986 --> 00:13:31,752
- Say what?
342
00:13:31,754 --> 00:13:32,987
- And the levee broke
343
00:13:32,989 --> 00:13:34,422
And flooded
our whole neighborhood.
344
00:13:34,424 --> 00:13:35,556
- Say what?
345
00:13:35,558 --> 00:13:38,292
- Our community was devastated,
and we thought,
346
00:13:38,294 --> 00:13:40,328
"hell yes,
katrina hit us hard."
347
00:13:40,330 --> 00:13:42,563
- "but hell no!
We're not giving up."
348
00:13:42,565 --> 00:13:45,766
We needed to find a way
to keep on keepin' on.
349
00:13:45,768 --> 00:13:49,503
- Katrina?
Their brand is katrina?
350
00:13:49,505 --> 00:13:52,240
- Even m'goods
can't upstage that.
351
00:13:52,242 --> 00:13:54,408
- We want to win
cupcake wars
352
00:13:54,410 --> 00:13:56,577
So we can finally open
a storefront
353
00:13:56,579 --> 00:13:57,845
In our little neighborhood.
354
00:13:57,847 --> 00:13:59,413
Make our business official.
355
00:13:59,415 --> 00:14:02,416
- Yeah, and find a way to put
money back into our community.
356
00:14:02,418 --> 00:14:03,951
That's what
we're all about at...
357
00:14:03,953 --> 00:14:05,953
Both: Neighbor cakes!
358
00:14:05,955 --> 00:14:08,256
Both: Boom!
[laughter]
359
00:14:08,258 --> 00:14:09,423
- Great, great.
360
00:14:09,425 --> 00:14:11,192
Max's homemade cupcakes,
you're up.
361
00:14:11,194 --> 00:14:13,361
- Why did we name
the company after me?
362
00:14:13,363 --> 00:14:14,495
"neighbor cakes" versus
363
00:14:14,497 --> 00:14:17,298
"max's narcissistic
cupcakes"?
364
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:19,400
- We're fine.
Don't freak out.
365
00:14:19,402 --> 00:14:20,935
Just do our thing,
like we did at home.
366
00:14:20,937 --> 00:14:22,169
No need to panic.
367
00:14:22,171 --> 00:14:26,641
- In five, four,
three, two...
368
00:14:26,643 --> 00:14:27,842
- Yo, what's up?
369
00:14:27,844 --> 00:14:29,677
I'm max,
of max's homemade cupcakes.
370
00:14:29,679 --> 00:14:31,779
- They're "ho-made."
ha! Get it?
371
00:14:31,781 --> 00:14:34,715
'cause she's a ho!
372
00:14:34,717 --> 00:14:36,117
She's got the boobs,
373
00:14:36,119 --> 00:14:38,185
And I've got
the brains, right, max?
374
00:14:38,187 --> 00:14:40,421
- Uh, kind of.
375
00:14:40,423 --> 00:14:42,590
We bake at home
in our apartment, which is--
376
00:14:42,592 --> 00:14:45,426
- Is a disaster area.
Really, it's a mess.
377
00:14:45,428 --> 00:14:46,961
And we don't have our rent.
378
00:14:46,963 --> 00:14:50,097
The rent is high.
♪ not gonna lie
379
00:14:50,099 --> 00:14:52,833
♪ we hung out to dry,
neither has a guy ♪
380
00:14:52,835 --> 00:14:56,771
Yo, what up, cupcake wars?
Right, max?
381
00:14:56,773 --> 00:14:57,972
- [clears throat]
382
00:14:57,974 --> 00:14:59,106
I don't even know
what's happening.
383
00:14:59,108 --> 00:15:02,043
- We bake because
I lost all my money
384
00:15:02,045 --> 00:15:05,012
And her mom drinks.
385
00:15:05,014 --> 00:15:10,484
Oh, I'm caroline...
And, cut.
386
00:15:10,486 --> 00:15:14,822
- Okay.
Well, okay.
387
00:15:14,824 --> 00:15:17,024
- Did I just freestyle rap?
388
00:15:17,026 --> 00:15:19,193
- Yes.
389
00:15:19,195 --> 00:15:21,395
And you also called
our apartment a disaster
390
00:15:21,397 --> 00:15:24,999
In front of two ladies
whose apartments washed away.
391
00:15:25,001 --> 00:15:28,269
- Hi.
Everything okay over here?
392
00:15:28,271 --> 00:15:30,104
- Yep. Ditz and double-d's,
on track.
393
00:15:30,106 --> 00:15:31,372
B.Y.O.B.
394
00:15:31,374 --> 00:15:32,807
- Great.
Can we all gather
395
00:15:32,809 --> 00:15:35,209
To reveal
the secret ingredients?
396
00:15:35,211 --> 00:15:37,011
- What's it gonna be?
- It could be anything.
397
00:15:37,013 --> 00:15:39,714
I once saw a st. Patrick's day
theme where a team made
398
00:15:39,716 --> 00:15:41,182
A beer and lucky charms
cupcake.
399
00:15:41,184 --> 00:15:42,950
- That's right up your alley.
I hope it's that.
400
00:15:42,952 --> 00:15:44,218
- Today's theme is...
401
00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:47,154
Soul food.
Both: Whoo!
402
00:15:47,156 --> 00:15:48,255
- Ooh, we got this,
sister!
403
00:15:48,257 --> 00:15:51,592
- Sister, this is gotten.
- Whoo-hoo!
404
00:15:51,594 --> 00:15:52,860
- Some of the ingredients
include
405
00:15:52,862 --> 00:15:56,330
Okra, molasses,
collard greens, sweet potato,
406
00:15:56,332 --> 00:15:58,699
Buttermilk, chicken,
and ham hock.
407
00:15:58,701 --> 00:15:59,934
- Ham hock?
408
00:15:59,936 --> 00:16:02,937
Isn't that a character
in the hobbit?
409
00:16:02,939 --> 00:16:05,573
- In three, two...
410
00:16:05,575 --> 00:16:07,541
- Here we go, girl!
411
00:16:07,543 --> 00:16:10,277
- Sister, we are screwed.
412
00:16:16,918 --> 00:16:18,052
- We can do our
sweet potato mash cupcake.
413
00:16:18,054 --> 00:16:20,654
- Ooh, with
peanut molasses drizzle.
414
00:16:20,656 --> 00:16:23,224
- Gumbo cupcake!
Gumbo cupcake!
415
00:16:23,226 --> 00:16:25,359
- What are we gonna do?
416
00:16:25,361 --> 00:16:26,794
- I don't know.
417
00:16:26,796 --> 00:16:29,630
- What are you looking at?
- The camera.
418
00:16:29,632 --> 00:16:31,899
Both: ♪ new orleans,
new orleans ♪
419
00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:34,235
♪ we got this,
gumbo cupcakes ♪
420
00:16:34,237 --> 00:16:35,936
- Good luck, caroline.
421
00:16:35,938 --> 00:16:37,571
- Stop it, max.
What's wrong with you?
422
00:16:37,573 --> 00:16:40,274
- It's happening.
We're the dumb-dumbs!
423
00:16:40,276 --> 00:16:41,976
- We are not the dumb-dumbs.
424
00:16:41,978 --> 00:16:44,612
I went to wharton.
425
00:16:44,614 --> 00:16:46,547
All we have to do
is pick three ingredients.
426
00:16:46,549 --> 00:16:49,383
- And we're ready
to pop them in the oven!
427
00:16:49,385 --> 00:16:51,752
- How can they already
be going in the oven?
428
00:16:51,754 --> 00:16:53,888
- Oh, that gives me an idea!
- What?
429
00:16:53,890 --> 00:16:55,923
- Put me in the oven!
430
00:16:55,925 --> 00:16:57,258
- Okay, okay.
We just have to start.
431
00:16:57,260 --> 00:16:58,392
It'll come to us.
432
00:16:58,394 --> 00:16:59,960
Bring it all.
- Ugh.
433
00:16:59,962 --> 00:17:01,529
Just my luck
to get soul food
434
00:17:01,531 --> 00:17:03,297
When I don't even
have a soul.
435
00:17:03,299 --> 00:17:05,366
Both: ♪ new orleans,
new orleans ♪
436
00:17:05,368 --> 00:17:07,301
♪ we got this,
gumbo cupcakes ♪
437
00:17:07,303 --> 00:17:09,970
- That is not catching on!
438
00:17:09,972 --> 00:17:11,806
- So, what are you
thinking, max?
439
00:17:11,808 --> 00:17:13,941
- ♪ new orleans,
new orleans ♪
440
00:17:13,943 --> 00:17:15,509
I was wrong,
it is catching on.
441
00:17:15,511 --> 00:17:16,811
- Stop thinking that.
442
00:17:16,813 --> 00:17:18,145
Start thinking
about the ingredients,
443
00:17:18,147 --> 00:17:19,313
While I do the baking.
444
00:17:19,315 --> 00:17:20,481
I've seen you do it
a million times.
445
00:17:20,483 --> 00:17:21,749
We just need milk,
right, max?
446
00:17:21,751 --> 00:17:24,852
- We got this.
♪ gumbo cupcakes
447
00:17:24,854 --> 00:17:26,053
- Here's the milk.
448
00:17:26,055 --> 00:17:29,890
So, I'll just pour this milk
into this mixer.
449
00:17:29,892 --> 00:17:32,159
It looks like I'm baking,
right, max?
450
00:17:32,161 --> 00:17:33,561
- Whoa!
Watch what you're doing!
451
00:17:33,563 --> 00:17:35,229
- It's flooding!
It's flooding!
452
00:17:35,231 --> 00:17:37,031
- Oh, great,
you said "flooding."
453
00:17:37,033 --> 00:17:38,799
What's next, "fema?"
"superdome?"
454
00:17:38,801 --> 00:17:40,000
- This is a disaster.
455
00:17:40,002 --> 00:17:42,002
- We are
the worst team ever.
456
00:17:42,004 --> 00:17:44,038
-We are not.
What are you doing?
457
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,006
- Putting shrimp in my pocket
to take home.
458
00:17:46,008 --> 00:17:47,274
We gotta get something
out of this.
459
00:17:47,276 --> 00:17:49,343
- Just start
tasting this stuff
460
00:17:49,345 --> 00:17:52,580
So we can figure out
what we're making.
461
00:17:52,582 --> 00:17:55,015
- That tastes like a foot!
462
00:17:55,017 --> 00:17:57,585
- And now I'm using
some flour.
463
00:17:57,587 --> 00:17:59,420
We use flour when we bake.
464
00:17:59,422 --> 00:18:01,589
Right, max?
465
00:18:01,591 --> 00:18:02,857
- Oh, that is hot.
466
00:18:02,859 --> 00:18:04,892
Ooh, that's too hot.
467
00:18:04,894 --> 00:18:07,428
That is hot
as the devil's ass!
468
00:18:07,430 --> 00:18:10,297
Oh, my mouth is on fire.
Where's that foot thing?
469
00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:12,333
Ahh, oh, ahh.
470
00:18:12,335 --> 00:18:14,935
- Move over, I'll help you.
What is this?
471
00:18:14,937 --> 00:18:16,103
It's vanilla.
472
00:18:16,105 --> 00:18:17,771
It's sweet, max!
It's sweet.
473
00:18:17,773 --> 00:18:19,540
Now we just have to
pick something else.
474
00:18:19,542 --> 00:18:21,509
There, ham.
475
00:18:21,511 --> 00:18:22,776
We're making
a vanilla ham cupcake.
476
00:18:22,778 --> 00:18:24,812
That's it!
Vanilla ham!
477
00:18:24,814 --> 00:18:26,313
- You're a vanilla ham!
478
00:18:26,315 --> 00:18:28,349
- Good, insult me!
479
00:18:28,351 --> 00:18:30,217
Yes, you're coming out of it,
max, here we go.
480
00:18:30,219 --> 00:18:31,485
- We're not going anywhere.
481
00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:32,887
I'm on my show
and I'm losing.
482
00:18:32,889 --> 00:18:35,356
- Forget we're on the show.
483
00:18:35,358 --> 00:18:37,825
Pretend we're in the diner,
and oleg is stoned,
484
00:18:37,827 --> 00:18:39,126
And we have
all these ingredients
485
00:18:39,128 --> 00:18:40,394
And we just got slammed
with people
486
00:18:40,396 --> 00:18:42,496
Who all want cupcakes.
What do you tell me to do?
487
00:18:42,498 --> 00:18:43,664
- Well, first,
I tell you to leave
488
00:18:43,666 --> 00:18:47,134
So I can get stoned
with oleg.
489
00:18:47,136 --> 00:18:48,769
Okay, if I was stoned,
490
00:18:48,771 --> 00:18:51,372
What would I know
about soul food?
491
00:18:51,374 --> 00:18:52,806
Ludacris!
492
00:18:52,808 --> 00:18:54,041
Is always talking about
493
00:18:54,043 --> 00:18:56,277
How much he loves
waffles with chicken.
494
00:18:56,279 --> 00:18:57,545
Chicken and waffle
cupcake!
495
00:18:57,547 --> 00:18:59,079
- Yes!
Chicken and waffles!
496
00:18:59,081 --> 00:19:00,347
You better watch it, girls.
497
00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:01,582
Here comes
chicken and waffles
498
00:19:01,584 --> 00:19:03,417
From big boobs
and try hard.
499
00:19:03,419 --> 00:19:04,718
- As ludacris would say,
500
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:07,388
Move, bitch,
get out the way.
501
00:19:07,390 --> 00:19:08,856
Let's go, girl.
We gotta bring it.
502
00:19:08,858 --> 00:19:11,525
We gotta shut this down.
We are bringing our "a" game.
503
00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:13,294
It's time to put
our cupcake business on the map.
504
00:19:13,296 --> 00:19:14,795
We got this.
Oh, my god.
505
00:19:14,797 --> 00:19:18,098
I said them all.
- [laughs]
506
00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:20,534
- Empty the mixer.
We still have time.
507
00:19:20,536 --> 00:19:21,702
[whirring]
508
00:19:21,704 --> 00:19:25,639
- Oh!
509
00:19:25,641 --> 00:19:27,608
- [laughs]
510
00:19:27,610 --> 00:19:30,911
Look at the blonde dumb-dumb.
511
00:19:34,916 --> 00:19:38,852
- Congratulations, max!
512
00:19:38,854 --> 00:19:40,754
- Sophie, we didn't get it.
513
00:19:40,756 --> 00:19:44,592
- Oh, congratulations,
caroline!
514
00:19:44,594 --> 00:19:46,460
- Sophie, I told you,
we didn't get picked.
515
00:19:46,462 --> 00:19:47,828
- What am I supposed to do,
516
00:19:47,830 --> 00:19:50,130
Walk around with a purse
full of confetti?
517
00:19:50,132 --> 00:19:52,299
- I'm so sorry, ladies.
518
00:19:52,301 --> 00:19:53,601
But you know what they say,
519
00:19:53,603 --> 00:19:56,904
When god closes a door,
you work here.
520
00:19:56,906 --> 00:19:58,572
- It just wasn't our day.
521
00:19:58,574 --> 00:19:59,940
We got flustered at first,
522
00:19:59,942 --> 00:20:01,675
But we did end up
making a great cupcake.
523
00:20:01,677 --> 00:20:02,810
- Oh, say it.
524
00:20:02,812 --> 00:20:05,446
We got hit
by hurricane katrina.
525
00:20:05,448 --> 00:20:06,647
- True.
Hard to believe,
526
00:20:06,649 --> 00:20:08,148
But the other team
had a better brand.
527
00:20:08,150 --> 00:20:10,017
- Oh, please.
528
00:20:10,019 --> 00:20:13,520
Blaming it on a disaster
from years ago.
529
00:20:13,522 --> 00:20:15,322
- Well, sophie, you weren't
there, so I don't think you--
530
00:20:15,324 --> 00:20:19,126
- Oh, I don't want to hear it!
- [sputters]
531
00:20:19,128 --> 00:20:23,030
- I mean, you had
huge opportunity with duza day.
532
00:20:23,032 --> 00:20:24,765
But you passed
on the real job
533
00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:27,701
Waiting for your big break
on the tv show,
534
00:20:27,703 --> 00:20:31,572
Just like everyone else
in america.
535
00:20:31,574 --> 00:20:33,440
So you tried to take
a shortcut to success
536
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:37,511
And you end up with
a mouth full of confetti.
537
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:39,780
- Sophie's right.
538
00:20:39,782 --> 00:20:42,116
We went on television
with the ridiculous expectation
539
00:20:42,118 --> 00:20:43,784
That we'd make it overnight.
540
00:20:43,786 --> 00:20:44,985
But that's not who we are.
541
00:20:44,987 --> 00:20:46,587
We're gonna have to do it
the hard way.
542
00:20:46,589 --> 00:20:50,658
Slow and steady.
The tortoise and the whore.
543
00:20:52,594 --> 00:20:54,194
- Well, what can I say,
"caramel?"
544
00:20:54,196 --> 00:20:57,898
By the way,
that's your whore name.
545
00:20:57,900 --> 00:21:00,267
Looks like it's back
to selling cakes
546
00:21:00,269 --> 00:21:02,136
One car at a time.
547
00:21:02,138 --> 00:21:03,904
I'll just put these
"ludacris specials"
548
00:21:03,906 --> 00:21:05,239
In the display case.
549
00:21:05,241 --> 00:21:07,241
- You do that, "cinnamon."
550
00:21:07,243 --> 00:21:09,510
- Oh, no,
I actually have a whore name,
551
00:21:09,512 --> 00:21:12,846
And that's not it.
552
00:21:12,848 --> 00:21:13,981
- What is it?
553
00:21:13,983 --> 00:21:18,452
- Max. Duh.
554
00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:22,056
[cash register bell dings]