, three, four!
We don't want no fucking war!
One, two, three four!
We don't want no fucking war!
- There are people out there holding signs with--
with my name on them. [chuckles]
only where the x should be, there's a swastika.
A goddamn swastika!
- Mr. President, when we discussed
how this was going to play out, it was clear
that you were going to take some lumps.
[eerie tone]
- lumps?
Those people want my head.
They want to burn down the white house
with me inside it!
We need to stop this goddamn war.
- The war is performing a very important function.
- It's destroying my presidency.
- I have to agree, mr. Thor.
I can't see what we're accomplishing.
- When you were little and you needed to get a needle,
sometimes the doctor would distract you.
He would show you a toy
and then while you were playing with it,
he'd jab you.
If people are focused on the war,
they won't be thinking about
all of the americans going missing.
- A-and what about that?
Well, this little program of yours
has been going on for years now.
- We all understood that the creation
of an alien-human hybrid was a complex task
requiring generations of experimentation.
- How much more time do you need?
- We are projecting that the first functioning hybrid
will be born in approximately 2021.
- That's 50 fucking years from now!
- Mr. Thor, the vietnam war
will never last 50 years.
- Of course it won't.
Which is why we have a full menu of distractions prepared.
- You think I'm gonna sacrifice my entire career
for one of your little distractions?
- Just consider this...
[eerie music]
distractions can come in many forms.
Good night, mr. President.
♪ ♪
- did that pansy-ass martian just--
just threaten me?
♪ ♪
henry.
- Sorry, mr. President.
Must be my allergies.
- It's all right, henry.
Go take care of it.
♪ ♪
[door opens, closes]
[eerie theremin music]
♪ ♪
[chilling tone]
♪ ♪
- a small group of yippies seeking a confrontation
marched at night on the south vietnamese embassy.
- [coughing] - washington police used
tear gas to drive them away.
Arrests were made.
President nixon then replied to protestors' demands
for an immediate end-- - [laughs]
I'm not sure what's worse,
allowing americans to be experimented on
by creatures from outer space
or paving the way for that man's presidency.
- Oh, dick's not so bad.
- You mean as far as paranoid alcoholics go?
They're in control.
All this--it's them.
They're running the war because I gave them the power to do it.
- This is doing you no good.
The doctor told you to avoid stress.
- [mumbles] turn it back on.
- Oh, ike. Mercy sakes alive.
[eerie theremin music]
- there. Right there, you see that?
- What? - His pupils.
For a second, he looks like a--
like a reptile.
- A reptile?
Okay, mr. Eisenhower,
that is what is known as the camel's back.
- Mamie, listen.
Valiant thor and his people aren't the only ones here.
There's another group. They live among us.
They look like us, they're just really just--
[coughs] - where in this earthful world
did you come up with this notion?
One of the people that valiant thor abducted
turned out to be one of these things.
They disposed of the body because they didn't want us
to know that they had competition,
but we do know.
I see them everywhere.
- Well, I've had enough of this conversation.
I'm in too good a mood to let you give me the polly pouts.
Thanks to me, americans are celebrating birthdays,
Halloween, thanksgiving,
and I am not going to stop there.
I am going to bring back a holiday
that everyone has forgotten.
- Huh.
♪ ♪
"happy ed."
- no, silly, evacuation day.
Even you don't remember it.
It's the day the british evacuated boston,
and they still celebrate it in massachusetts.
When I'm done with it,
it'll be nationwide,
oh, I can see it.
Evacuation day parades across the country.
It'll be like the fourth of July.
- I'm not so sure that one's gonna take.
♪ ♪
- mm, speaking of evacuation--
[groaning]
[ominous music]
[coughing]
♪ ♪
I don't want to feel better.
I don't deserve to feel better.
- I'm getting tired
of this sad sack routine, mr. Eisenhower.
♪ ♪
oh, thank god you're here.
I am simply at my wit's end with this man.
- What the hell are you doing here?
Get out.
- This is not necessary, mr. President.
We can take you to area 51.
You don't need to die.
- I died the day I signed that damn document.
This is just a formality.
♪ ♪
regardless of what you think of us,
we still hold you in the highest esteem.
You are helping to save our kind.
- All I care about is our kind.
- After all this time,
you still do not trust us?
- I'm old...
I'm not stupid.
♪ ♪
[grunts softly]
♪ ♪
you two deserve each other.
[somber music]
[monitor beeps]
[monitor flatlining]
♪ ♪
[monitor silences]
- that isn't happening to me.
Do you understand that?
Area 51, hell's half acre, timbuktu,
I don't care.
As long as I don't end up like that.
[music building]
[chilling tone]
[knocking on door]
- yeah?
- Gordon liddy, sir, reporting as you ordered.
- Oh.
[clears throat] gordon, shut the door.
Come in and, uh, sit down.
Well, gordon, uh...
[sighs]
they...Want to kill me.
[chilling music]
that's what this is about.
The powers that be.
♪ ♪
you know who I mean?
- I think so, yes.
- You see, they think that I'm coming apart
because of the protests and the war--
the war that those bastards want.
You see, they wanted me in the white house,
and now I know why.
Not just because I was gonna play ball.
No, no, that's not it.
You see...
I was to be the ringleader of the circus
when the tent caught fire.
Well, I am not burning up with those fucking clowns.
♪ ♪
now, this valiant thor,
he has an office at watergate and I--
I want it bugged.
I wanna hear everything that they've got planned.
Every line on the goddamn calendar.
Comprende?
- I won't let you down, sir.
- [sighs] you'll be the first.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
- I got your message.
I'm frankly surprised you wanted to talk to me
about watergate.
You're one of the last people I imagined would know anything.
- I know everything.
[mysterious music]
♪ ♪
but before I say anything,
we're agreed you're never to mention my name?
♪ ♪
to you, I'm just...
Deep throat.
[chilling music]
♪ ♪
- not at all. It's from that filthy movie.
I figured it's the last name
anyone would ever believe I'd take.
- You are a very smart lady.
- Not as smart as I'd like, it seems.
- And why do you say that?
- It's almost March, and there's not one mention
of evacuation day anywhere.
I can't believe my husband was right.
Anyhow, I've had three meetings with that--
that fool of a reporter, and he's buying everything.
He thinks the burglars were after the democrats,
not you.
- I can't tell you how grateful I am.
I was very worried about the president.
- Wouldn't it be simpler just to kill him?
- Too many politicians have died
in mysterious circumstances.
This is much more effective.
- But even if he were to resign,
what's to keep him from talking and revealing everything?
[ominous music]
- we are prepared to remind him who's running this show.
♪ ♪
- I have come to thee for refuge.
Teach me to do thy will,
for thou art my god.
Deliver me from troubles and cut off my enemies
and destroy my adversaries
for I am...
I am thy servant, god.
[somber music]
[sighs]
god.
What am I gonna do?
Everybody wants me to resign.
What should I do?
- Mr. President,
resignation is the only correct move left to you.
- Do you really think so? - I'm certain of it.
But it doesn't mean your enemies
will have the last word on your legacy.
History will judge you much better
than your contemporaries.
- History...
Will have a lot to say about me,
because I will have a lot to say about history.
Recent fucking history.
You can be sure that I-- - if you'll excuse me,
mr. President, I'd like to speak with my staff.
They are anxious to know what's happening.
It's going to be all right, mr. President.
- You're a good man, henry.
- Thank you, sir.
- [exhales]
recent fucking history.
Recent fucking history.
[chuckles] fuck it.
I'm not gonna resign.
They want a trial?
I'll give them a trial.
[chuckles] let 'em put me on the goddamn stand--
[loud, eerie tone]
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
jesus christ.
Stay back! You can't do this to me!
No, please, stop!
Anything but that! Please, please not that!
[chilling tone]
[echoing] stop!
Therefore, I shall resign the presidency
effective at noon tomorrow.
Vice president ford will be sworn in as president
at that hour in this office.
As I recall--
- I don't even wanna know
what you did to get him to play ball.
- Yes, it's quite amazing the reaction some humans have
to a simple medical procedure.
- Well, he got the message, all right.
And I have to say,
I think his speech is rather dignified.
- Considering I wrote it for him,
I have to agree.
[lilting piano music]
♪ ♪
- it's almost time for another dignified exit from the stage.
- Do you mean it?
- Yes.
♪ ♪
[sighs]
I've had a good run.
I've accomplished more than anyone could ever dream.
I got the world to appreciate the color pink.
I freed americans to celebrate their birthdays,
Halloween, thanksgiving,
and if there's still work to be done on evacuation day,
I can take up that fight for another year or so.
I'd like a quiet death.
And then, as you promised...
I want to live forever.
[intense, dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- mrs. Eisenhower died peacefully in her sleep
here at walter reed at 1:35 a.M. This morning.
Doctors here at walter reed
attribute death to heart failure
and funeral arrangements are incomplete at this time.
♪ ♪
- what is it about the desert that calls to people?
- I have often wondered the same thing.
The reason my species traveled billions of miles to live here
is because our planet looks an awful lot like this--
barren, empty, full of death.
- You certainly know how to spoil a moment.
[music rises]
[door squeaks open]
- welcome to your new home.
♪ ♪
["dream" by vera lynn]
♪ ♪
- ♪ dream ♪
♪ when you're feeling blue ♪
♪ ♪
♪ dream ♪
♪ that's the thing to do ♪
♪ ♪
- hello.
- ♪ just ♪
♪ watch the smoke rings rise ♪
♪ in the air ♪
♪ ♪
♪ you'll find your share ♪
- well, I always said this place needed a little color,
and the gods responded with you.
Would you turn around for me, sweetie?
- Oh-- - oh, please. It's so pretty.
♪ ♪
- [gasps]
oh. - [laughs]
it's timeless.
Just like us, I guess.
I'm calico. - Oh.
- It is an honor to meet a real first lady.
- I wasn't sure anyone would recognize me.
- Oh, I am your biggest fan.
Even when everyone around me was always about jackie.
I prefer the old school-- no offense.
And I also love birthdays, and it seems like
we're going to be spending quite a few of them together.
So we might as well be friends.
What do you say?
- Tell me, do you like fudge?
- More than life itself.
♪ ♪
[device beeps]
- what the fuck is happening?
- Hey. Hey, what's going on?
What's with the alarms?
Hey, are we under attack?
Hey!
Did someone break out?
[alarm blaring]
[dramatic music]
[device beeps]
- what are you doing in here?
These are my private quarters.
You're trudging dirt all over my carpets.
And then you'll leave behind whatever horrors
were stuck to the bottom of your jackboots.
Young man.
Do not think you can invade my personal space
and then retreat without an explanation.
- Ma'am, apologies, ma'am.
There's been an unauthorized death.
- What? Someone's been murdered?
[tense music]
who?
[alarm blaring]
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[chilling tone]
♪ ♪
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
[low growl]
[creature screeches] - [screams]
[machine guns firing]
[creature screeches]
♪ ♪
[dramatic drum beats]
[gentle, eerie music]
♪ ♪
- this is...Excessive.
- That thing was eating ronnie.
- Who's ronnie?
- The one with his face eaten off.
What did you expect me to do?
- Kill ronnie. Secure the child.
- That thing ain't a child.
- We haven't seen this type of anomaly in at least two cycles.
[sighs] bring the child to the lab.
We must understand why this subject regressed.
- It's always darkest before the dawn.
[ominous tone]
it's a thing we say.
On earth.
[door clicks open]
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
why is b team here?
- They've been promoted.
- Wait, no, no--
[machine guns firing] [shouting]
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
[alarm blaring]
[intercom static]
- all subjects please report
to the cafeteria for an assessment.
Nutritional supplements and beverages will be provided.
[somber piano music]
- wait, maybe we shouldn't go.
- Why do you keep pretending
that we have any choices in here?
We need to see how cal and troy are, anyway.
♪ ♪
come on.
♪ ♪
- where are the guys?
- Oh, there's our attendant.
- The attendant's not gonna tell us anything.
Maybe she will.
- Oh, hey, kittens. Hell of a shindig, huh?
- You know what's going on?
- Oh, someone must have tried to make a run for it.
- Does that happen a lot? Breakouts?
- Mm, every once in a while.
The last one was back in '92 I think.
No, no, it was '82.
- I still don't see cal or troy.
Maybe it was them. Maybe they got out.
- Oh, honey, I thought you understood.
We're trapped here.
We're like rats in a maze. There is no out.
- I know somewhere they might be.
I mean, there is one place.
[dramatic tone]
- cal?
Troy?
- I can't believe we didn't really go to the moon.
- You were right, kendall.
I can't believe we traded the best parts of being human--
our freedom, curiosity, our need to explore--
all for microchip technology
and the ability to send memes around the world.
What a sad race we turned out to be.
- Cal?
Troy?
- What is that?
♪ ♪
- oh, god.
[breathing heavily]
♪ ♪
[sobs] oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
- I told you, kendall, there's no hope.
- [sobbing]
- [groans in pain]
[screams] - you're wrong, child.
[ominous music]
hope is close.
- [screams in pain]
[energy whooshes]
♪ ♪
- it's always darkest before the dawn.
♪ ♪
- [panting]
[groaning]
[light, eerie music]
♪ ♪
stay with me, jamie.
Remember? Like calico said?
We get these things out of us. We get our bodies back.
We'll find a way out of here.
I swear.
We'll tell the world all about what's happening here.
- [groans] kendall, I'm so scared.
♪ ♪
[sobs] help me.
- [winces in pain]
- [screams, sobs]
[energy whooshes]
[breathing steadies]
- cherish these next moments.
The baby is coming.
It is nearly over.
- Jamie.
I'm here.
- The specimen that arrived before this one
was the closest we've come to perfection in 60 years.
One of you is about to deliver us all from the darkness.
Be brave. Be proud.
- [moans]
- jamie.
Get it out.
[squishing]
[dramatic tone]
- [gasps]
[baby cries]
[gasps]
[tense music]
please, don't kill it.
Please let me see my baby.
Please. [baby cries]
[sobs]
please, please.
[screams] no!
♪ ♪
no!
[sobbing]
- kill her.
- What? No-- - no, no, no, no!
[sobbing] no, no, no!
Jamie, no!
[energy whooshes] - now, now.
There is no time or need for grief.
Cherish these next moments.
Your friend's specimen was even closer.
The time has come. - [inhales sharply]
[exhales]
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[squishing]
[gasping] [baby cries]
♪ ♪
- this child is creation.
The perfect specimen.
Our future.
This planet is finally our home.
♪ ♪
[sighs]
the experiment is finally over.
We have done what we set out to do.
♪ ♪
[baby growls]
- [exhales deeply]
it's only a matter of time.
- What did you say?
- I said it's only a matter of time.
Without us,
without conquest...
You'll get bored.
You'll get complacent and lazy.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
- Well, you won't need that heavy head any longer.
We'll take it from here.
[chilling, dramatic music]
♪ ♪
preserve this vessel.
It's the perfect breeding machine.
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
[music rises]
♪ ♪
[device whirrs]
[squishing]
♪ ♪
[machinery clicks]
♪ ♪
[eerie ambient music]
♪ ♪
- [muffled] ♪ happy birthday dear mamie ♪
[normal voice] ♪ happy birthday to you ♪
yay! [laughs]
[applause] make a wish!
- Thank you, calico.
Very thoughtful.
- Oh, well, the excitement in your voice
could fill up the room.
I nearly had to sell my body
to get the staff to make that for you.
That could have been a candle
sticking out of a nutrient cube.
- I appreciate it. I really do.
After all these years down here,
you're my only real friend, and I cherish that
more than anything.
- Why do I feel like you shouldn't
go near anything sharp?
- Birthdays give me the blues now.
I don't know why.
- But the worst part about birthdays
was the getting older part, and now you're past that.
- Maybe that's why.
- You know, sometimes I don't understand you at all.
This is one of those times.
- I was an authority on birthdays.
I was the one--
- yes, who made it so adults could celebrate
birthdays and Halloween and thanksgiving.
- I know. I told you that before.
- So many times it is encoded into my dna.
I mean, I guess when you live forever,
you run out of stories.
- We shouldn't be, though.
We should be making new stories.
- How can we do that down here?
I mean, this is not a way to live.
- We've done it.
[excited chatter] - oh, we finally did it!
- What's going on?
- Excuse me, hi.
Did someone win the lottery?
- [chuckles] we've done it.
The first hybrid was just born.
Everything has just changed.
[eerie, tense music]
♪ ♪
- I just wanna know if it's true.
Don't I deserve to know? - At 01200 hours,
the first successful hybrid was born.
60 years of hard work have finally paid off.
- So what happens now?
- Now we produce as many as we can
as quickly as possible.
We will also need to clone the breeder.
One person cannot possibly produce enough thetan hybrids
to populate this world.
- Populate?
This world's already populated.
I thought the goal was to keep from going extinct.
- And the best way to accomplish that
is to have a world of our own.
Without humans.
[ominous music]
- without humans?
♪ ♪
- if you had a prize rose garden,
and the gardener let all of your roses wither and die,
what would you do to him?
- Fire him.
- Earth is the garden. Humanity is the gardener.
- We're firing you.
- So what happens to us?
♪ ♪
them, I mean.
- Rest assured,
certain people will be spared, including yourself,
in honor of everything you have done for my species.
[eerie melody]
ah.
You feel like a traitor to your kind.
I understand, but you mustn't think of it that way.
History is written by the victors.
You will be remembered as one of the few good humans
who understood the limitations of your kind.
Who could see the future.
- Oh, ike.
- As will he.
The two saviors of planet earth.
- He wouldn't want that.
He was right about you.
He tried to warn me that you couldn't be trusted.
- If it makes you feel any better,
it wouldn't have mattered if you believed him.
Nothing would have changed.
[tense music]
- he said there was another race,
another group of aliens.
Like reptiles.
- Yes, he was right about that too.
[music heightens]
♪ ♪
- are you going to destroy them?
- I said that we cannot share this planet with humans,
but we will share it with them.
They may be cold blooded and hideous,
but they have qualities that we admire
and technology that we need.
♪ ♪
your species has neither.
♪ ♪
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- this is ridiculous.
Don't you know who I am?
My husband was president dwight d. Eisenhower.
- Did we elect a new president?
- No, asshole, he was the president a long time ago.
- Was he the one on the $20 bill?
- If it weren't for the treaty my husband signed,
none of this would be poss--
[dramatic tone]
- she's right.
We owe your husband everything, mrs. Eisenhower.
I admired him very much.
My name is theta.
What can we do for you?
- I want to see what my husband helped accomplish.
He never got the chance.
I think it's only right that I do.
♪ ♪
- at ease.
♪ ♪
[monitor beeping]
[soft growling]
[baby coos]
it's not what you imagined?
♪ ♪
I didn't expect it to be...
Beautiful.
- That's a mother talking.
In a way, you're as much a mother
as the one who bore it.
- [gasps]
- it takes some getting used to.
It's best not to think of it as a person and more as--
- livestock.
- I was going to say a machine.
Wonderful piece of technology that's going to save the world.
- Humans are not machines.
We are not technology to be used against our will.
- Who runs your world now, mamie?
The people or the machines?
Which would last longer
if the other suddenly disappeared?
- You say you admire my husband.
Then you must know he would never have wanted this.
He never would have sanctioned the end of the human race.
Who said anything about ending the human race?
♪ ♪
- you don't know?
You haven't been told the plan?
They're going to kill everyone
and take the planet for themselves.
[dramatic music]
- [whispering] they're gonna kill us?
All of us?
- Well, obviously not me.
But yes, everyone else.
They have their prize calf.
No need for the rest of the herd.
- Did you see it?
The calf? What did it look like?
- Human.
Disturbingly so.
And what they did to that poor girl
who gave birth to it.
Oh, calico, you wouldn't believe it.
- Well, I guess you'll finally have a new story after all.
- Yes.
But what if this one had a twist
they didn't see coming?
♪ ♪
what if we fought back?
- Look, I am no mathematician,
but I do know a little something about gambling.
And you plus me versus them?
That would be like a pair of deuces
versus a royal flush
and the royal flush has an army with guns.
- We don't have to worry about all of them.
Just two-- the baby and its mother.
Think about it.
They've been trying for 60 years
to perfect their hybrid.
If we destroyed it and the body that birthed it,
they'd have to start over.
I'm not saying we'd get another 60 years,
but maybe just some time for humanity to wake up
and save itself.
- No, no, no, there is no way they would ever
let us get close enough to pull that off.
- What if we had somebody to help us?
[suspenseful music]
on the inside.
♪ ♪
[monitor beeping]
another baby? This soon?
- We shortened the gestation process.
You can't populate an entire planet
if you need to wait days for every birth.
We should have the process accelerated
to a new child every hour or so by next week.
- Oh, honey.
- So, is this all of you?
No more soldiers in your rebellion?
- We thought it best to keep the circle small.
You never really know who you can trust.
- You sure you want to take this next step?
- They'll surely kill us all afterward.
[monitor beeping]
- mamie. - It's what needs to be done.
- It's just a baby.
- Would you take the chance to kill hitler
if he were just a baby?
Stalin?
An immoral act becomes moral
when it's done in the service of all humanity.
This is what's right.
- Why do you get to decide what's right?
- Because I'm mamie goddamn eisenhower.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[baby coos]
♪ ♪
[monitor beeping]
[baby coos]
[energy whooshes]
[gasps]
you lied.
- You thought you could manipulate me?
[tense music]
appeal to my so-called human side?
As if I had not seen the horrors
humanity has wrought.
♪ ♪
my humanity is my greatest shame.
I will not help those who have destroyed this planet
and its natural resources.
Humans are hypocrites.
Even if we wanted to live side by side with you,
we couldn't.
Because you're too selfish to share.
♪ ♪
you won't even open your doors to your own kind
in their moment of need.
Why would we think you would welcome us?
♪ ♪
- [breathes heavily] [baby coos]
♪ ♪
- it's our turn now.
♪ ♪
our people will restore balance.
Create a new world.
♪ ♪
humanity's had its chance.
- [faint echo] calico.
♪ ♪
calico, help me.
- She made her choice.
♪ ♪
it's your turn now.
- No, I don't--
- the children need a mother to nurture them.
After all these years,
all those losses...
This is your reward.
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
- [sniffles] help me.
Help, help me.
♪ ♪
- she's right.
About people.
I have seen them at their worst,
and I've need them at their best.
[breathes shakily]
and I think maybe it's time we step aside
and give someone else a chance.
- [sniffles] - [hyperventilates]
- I'm sorry.
- Goodbye, mrs. Eisenhower.
[energy whooshes]
[chilling music]
♪ ♪
come.
- [breathes shakily]
- it's time for another birth.
You'll assist me.
♪ ♪
- I've never seen it from this side.
[dramatic music]
[squishing]
[low growling]
- oh. [baby cries]
♪ ♪
another perfect specimen.
♪ ♪
[eerie electronic music]
♪ ♪