1
00:00:04,342 --> 00:00:06,267
-Cute, huh?
-So cute.
2
00:00:06,436 --> 00:00:08,586
I can't believe
my fancy sis has a house
3
00:00:08,755 --> 00:00:10,179
with a garage apartment
behind it.
4
00:00:10,273 --> 00:00:14,016
Oh, please, it is more elegant
to call it a coach house.
5
00:00:14,110 --> 00:00:16,018
Which just happens
to rattle every time
6
00:00:16,112 --> 00:00:18,538
-the garage door opens.
-(chuckles)
7
00:00:18,765 --> 00:00:20,448
Well, it's awesome.
8
00:00:20,650 --> 00:00:23,209
And did you paint the walls
Whispering Dove?
9
00:00:23,361 --> 00:00:24,769
That is my favorite white.
10
00:00:24,862 --> 00:00:27,547
Of course I know
it's your favorite.
11
00:00:27,774 --> 00:00:30,032
Much like the sea-foam green
in the bedroom
12
00:00:30,126 --> 00:00:32,052
is also your favorite.
13
00:00:32,220 --> 00:00:33,702
I guess that means
you have to find a tenant
14
00:00:33,797 --> 00:00:36,205
who's got my taste.
Wait a minute.
15
00:00:36,299 --> 00:00:38,874
Oh, this place would be perfect
for you guys.
16
00:00:38,968 --> 00:00:41,227
I mean, you've been looking
to move out of Mom and Dad's.
17
00:00:41,454 --> 00:00:43,212
Yeah, it was kind of lame
living in my parents' house.
18
00:00:43,306 --> 00:00:47,216
I would be way cooler
living in my sister's garage.
19
00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:49,127
It would be great.
20
00:00:49,262 --> 00:00:51,387
You and I would get to see
each other all the time.
21
00:00:51,481 --> 00:00:53,389
And how cool would it be
for Sarah and Evelyn
22
00:00:53,483 --> 00:00:55,466
to grow up sharing a front yard?
23
00:00:55,485 --> 00:00:57,468
Okay, that would be cool.
24
00:00:57,562 --> 00:00:59,153
-Wait, this is kind of amazing.
-Right?
25
00:00:59,247 --> 00:01:01,472
-Yay.
-Yay. Okay, so now
all we have to do
26
00:01:01,566 --> 00:01:03,474
is sell Kyle on the idea.
27
00:01:03,493 --> 00:01:06,902
Hey. Your new house is awesome.
28
00:01:07,071 --> 00:01:09,089
Hey, did you see there's a
little, uh, foot bath out front?
29
00:01:10,241 --> 00:01:11,466
That's a fountain.
30
00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:14,052
Now it's both.
31
00:01:15,155 --> 00:01:16,596
Sold.
32
00:01:17,490 --> 00:01:19,641
♪
33
00:01:24,164 --> 00:01:26,773
Alexa, tell everyone
it's time for dinner.
34
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,833
ALEXA:
Announcing.
35
00:01:28,852 --> 00:01:31,444
VANESSA (over device):
It's time for dinner.
36
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,172
Hey. Heard you loud and clear.
37
00:01:34,307 --> 00:01:36,765
-Ah.
-(sighs) Man,
38
00:01:36,860 --> 00:01:38,785
nobody works a grill like Dad.
39
00:01:39,012 --> 00:01:40,436
But you know, he, uh,
he didn't have to cook us
40
00:01:40,455 --> 00:01:41,604
this big going-away meal.
41
00:01:41,698 --> 00:01:43,348
We're only moving
down the block.
42
00:01:43,366 --> 00:01:46,292
Well, you know your dad.
Any excuse to eat meat.
43
00:01:46,519 --> 00:01:48,944
His blood type is gravy.
44
00:01:48,964 --> 00:01:51,614
Yeah, he had me pick up
two tri-tip, a whole chicken,
45
00:01:51,708 --> 00:01:53,115
ribs and lamb chops.
46
00:01:53,284 --> 00:01:54,617
-Mm.
-I got a standing ovation
47
00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:56,469
-leaving the butcher's shop.
-(laughs)
48
00:01:56,696 --> 00:01:58,621
Okay, hot plate, hot plate.
49
00:01:58,640 --> 00:01:59,788
You can pull the ribs
out of the oven
50
00:01:59,957 --> 00:02:01,624
-so they've done resting.
-Yes.
51
00:02:01,718 --> 00:02:03,977
All right.
Now I need a cold beer,
52
00:02:04,204 --> 00:02:06,037
if you can,
and my barbecue sauce.
53
00:02:06,130 --> 00:02:08,206
Yeah, which you put
in my special teacup
54
00:02:08,299 --> 00:02:09,649
that I got in London.
55
00:02:09,876 --> 00:02:12,301
Because it adds that extra bit
of snootiness
56
00:02:12,470 --> 00:02:15,046
that the ribs just adore.
57
00:02:15,139 --> 00:02:16,990
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Aren't you gonna grill
58
00:02:17,217 --> 00:02:19,141
-all these vegetables I cut up?
-I don't want
59
00:02:19,268 --> 00:02:20,568
a problem out there.
60
00:02:20,662 --> 00:02:23,788
The meat doesn't get along
with the vegetables.
61
00:02:27,744 --> 00:02:29,744
-Good morning.
-Hey, good morning.
62
00:02:29,896 --> 00:02:32,079
-How are you?
-Hi. Mwah. I made you breakfast.
63
00:02:32,174 --> 00:02:33,489
I hope you're hungry.
64
00:02:33,583 --> 00:02:35,082
Oh, that was sweet.
Didn't need to do that.
65
00:02:35,177 --> 00:02:37,418
I was just gonna have
a-a little piece of toast
66
00:02:37,512 --> 00:02:40,254
-and the rest of those ribs.
-Ah.
67
00:02:40,348 --> 00:02:41,589
Oh, you know,
why go with the extra carbs?
68
00:02:41,758 --> 00:02:42,757
I'll just have the ribs.
69
00:02:42,926 --> 00:02:44,517
You know, honey, that's not
70
00:02:44,669 --> 00:02:45,927
the healthiest thing
to eat for breakfast.
71
00:02:46,095 --> 00:02:49,171
That's not the healthiest thing
to eat ever.
72
00:02:49,265 --> 00:02:50,765
Come on over here and try this.
This is a-a recipe
73
00:02:50,934 --> 00:02:53,418
-that Jen and I came up with.
-What is it?
74
00:02:53,436 --> 00:02:54,843
Come on, come on. Just give it
a try. You'll like it.
75
00:02:54,938 --> 00:02:56,029
That's what people say
when they're trying
76
00:02:56,222 --> 00:02:57,422
to poison somebody.
77
00:02:57,515 --> 00:02:59,365
"Come on, eat it. It's okay."
78
00:02:59,592 --> 00:03:04,554
Uh, it is tofu scramble
and soy bacon.
79
00:03:04,689 --> 00:03:07,356
I don't know, you got
soy on top of soy.
80
00:03:07,450 --> 00:03:09,267
That's a lot of estrogen
in there.
81
00:03:09,285 --> 00:03:10,710
I'm probably gonna grow breasts,
82
00:03:10,937 --> 00:03:13,379
and I kind of like the ones
I have, honey.
83
00:03:13,606 --> 00:03:15,381
I want to try to eat healthier,
84
00:03:15,550 --> 00:03:17,533
and, uh,
you should do it with me.
85
00:03:17,627 --> 00:03:19,201
-You eat too much meat.
-We should, huh?
86
00:03:19,295 --> 00:03:21,704
-Mm-hmm.
-That's an interesting thought,
but...
87
00:03:21,798 --> 00:03:23,038
No.
88
00:03:23,207 --> 00:03:26,133
Okay, uh, well, then,
how about just for a month?
89
00:03:26,228 --> 00:03:28,877
No.
90
00:03:28,972 --> 00:03:30,212
A week?
91
00:03:30,306 --> 00:03:31,289
-Just a week?
-Yeah.
92
00:03:31,382 --> 00:03:32,974
No.
93
00:03:33,068 --> 00:03:35,902
(scoffs) You know, y-you have
never been a person to just
94
00:03:36,053 --> 00:03:38,571
dismiss something without
first giving it a fair shake.
95
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,406
I ate in India
in a hotel for a month.
96
00:03:40,575 --> 00:03:42,575
No meat, and I loved
every meal I had there.
97
00:03:42,744 --> 00:03:44,059
All right, great, great.
98
00:03:44,153 --> 00:03:46,079
Then, uh, giving up meat
should be no problem.
99
00:03:46,248 --> 00:03:48,990
-You're like a dog
with a meatless bone.
-I am. Uh-huh.
100
00:03:49,084 --> 00:03:51,584
One week? All right.
101
00:03:51,753 --> 00:03:54,671
Are hot dogs
actually considered meat?
102
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,985
Morning, Chuck.
How's the morning going for you?
103
00:04:01,078 --> 00:04:04,155
Um, fine, but right now
I'm suspicious.
104
00:04:04,173 --> 00:04:05,598
Why are you so cheery?
105
00:04:05,825 --> 00:04:08,659
My wife didn't want me
eating meat for a week.
106
00:04:08,828 --> 00:04:13,664
Couple more days and she'll be
eating meat: fresh crow.
107
00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:15,166
(laughs)
108
00:04:15,259 --> 00:04:18,686
Huh. Why aren't more marriages
built on spite?
109
00:04:18,838 --> 00:04:20,596
Morning, gentlemen.
How's it going?
110
00:04:20,615 --> 00:04:23,283
Uh, I'm fine.
Mike Baxter's still meatless.
111
00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:25,451
-Still meatless?
-Yeah.
112
00:04:25,678 --> 00:04:27,194
All right, I'll call Sammy's,
113
00:04:27,289 --> 00:04:29,772
get you a-a side of that
maple bacon you love so much.
114
00:04:29,866 --> 00:04:32,458
Turning a maple tree and a pig
into perfection.
115
00:04:32,685 --> 00:04:35,128
Where's the holiday
for that guy?
116
00:04:35,355 --> 00:04:36,779
Well, I'm getting
some delicious maple bacon
117
00:04:36,873 --> 00:04:39,465
because I didn't promise
anybody any damn thing.
118
00:04:39,692 --> 00:04:43,194
My third wife
suggested I quit meat.
119
00:04:43,287 --> 00:04:45,196
Yeah. She called it love.
120
00:04:45,289 --> 00:04:47,048
I called it off.
121
00:04:47,142 --> 00:04:50,143
Oh, guess who gave us
a shout-out.
122
00:04:50,370 --> 00:04:52,461
-Oh, it's Jeff Dunham.
-Yeah.
123
00:04:52,630 --> 00:04:54,129
-He's my favorite ventriloquist.
-Yeah.
124
00:04:54,298 --> 00:04:55,964
I always wanted to be able
to throw my voice.
125
00:04:56,059 --> 00:04:58,876
Well, you talk
out of your ass all the time.
126
00:04:58,969 --> 00:05:01,321
-Look, look at what he wrote.
-Uh, hmm.
127
00:05:01,548 --> 00:05:02,822
Oh, "Headed to Denver
for some shows,
128
00:05:03,049 --> 00:05:05,474
"home of my favorite store,
Outdoor Man.
129
00:05:05,643 --> 00:05:08,161
Love that place."
How about that?
130
00:05:08,388 --> 00:05:11,222
Well, it's the best kind
of advertising: free.
131
00:05:11,315 --> 00:05:12,749
And read my comment.
132
00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:15,893
"Thanks for the heads-up.
It gives us time
133
00:05:15,912 --> 00:05:18,579
to put up a sign explaining
who the hell Jeff Dunham is."
134
00:05:18,673 --> 00:05:22,416
Ha, ha! That's what you call
a zinger, my friends.
135
00:05:22,585 --> 00:05:25,736
Uh, some people might
call it an insult.
136
00:05:25,830 --> 00:05:27,572
Come on, he's not one
of those insecure celebrities
137
00:05:27,665 --> 00:05:29,757
who reads every online comment.
138
00:05:29,926 --> 00:05:32,927
Insecure celebrities?
Do they even exist?
139
00:05:33,021 --> 00:05:37,023
Um, yeah, and apparently
they read their comments.
140
00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:39,600
Jeff says, "Here's some
sign language for you."
141
00:05:39,769 --> 00:05:41,752
And then he-he puts up
that emoji
142
00:05:41,846 --> 00:05:43,529
with the, with the finger,
that means...
143
00:05:43,681 --> 00:05:46,366
I-I know what it means.
144
00:05:46,593 --> 00:05:48,759
It means war.
145
00:05:48,778 --> 00:05:51,746
Eh, you know, a war
that's not gonna go well.
146
00:05:59,047 --> 00:06:00,213
Listen, guys,
I know Jeff Dunham.
147
00:06:00,382 --> 00:06:01,381
He-he's actually a great guy.
148
00:06:01,532 --> 00:06:02,790
Make nice, will you, please?
149
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:05,051
-Mm, sure.
-Where are you going?
150
00:06:05,278 --> 00:06:06,719
I'm gonna go into my office
and smell the inside
151
00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:09,555
of a wrapper
of an old pepperoni stick.
152
00:06:09,724 --> 00:06:12,392
You heard the man. Apologize.
153
00:06:12,619 --> 00:06:13,893
Oh, maybe I should
write it out for you
154
00:06:14,044 --> 00:06:17,045
since you-you don't know
how to apologize.
155
00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:20,291
So, in situations like this,
there are two kinds of people:
156
00:06:20,460 --> 00:06:22,293
those who back down
and those who double down.
157
00:06:22,386 --> 00:06:23,811
Guess which one I am.
158
00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:26,072
The stubborn, "can't admit
when he's made a mistake
159
00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:27,798
so he makes things worse" kind?
160
00:06:27,859 --> 00:06:29,967
-Exactly. Exactly. A winner.
-Mm.
161
00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:32,912
Oh, man, this is exactly
what is wrong with the Internet.
162
00:06:33,081 --> 00:06:34,580
Everybody's a tough guy
behind their phone.
163
00:06:34,749 --> 00:06:37,232
Relax. I'm just having a little
fun with him. That's all.
164
00:06:37,401 --> 00:06:39,419
Oh, yeah, I know you think
this is fun, Ed, but trust me,
165
00:06:39,587 --> 00:06:42,146
there is no fun on the Internet.
166
00:06:42,315 --> 00:06:45,258
Trust me, he'll understand.
He's a professional comic.
167
00:06:45,409 --> 00:06:48,152
But you're not.
You're an amateur wisecracker.
168
00:06:48,245 --> 00:06:52,581
Amateur? I heckled Don Rickles
at the Desert Inn in '72.
169
00:06:52,675 --> 00:06:54,842
He called me a hockey puck.
170
00:06:56,162 --> 00:06:58,663
But Don Rickles didn't have
a bunch of followers
171
00:06:58,681 --> 00:07:00,773
who could crash our website.
172
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:04,277
I'm telling you, Ed, please,
as head of security, fix this.
173
00:07:04,504 --> 00:07:07,763
Mm-hmm. I see, so, now,
you're head of security, right?
174
00:07:07,857 --> 00:07:10,524
-Yeah.
-I founded the place.
175
00:07:10,618 --> 00:07:12,843
I think I'll do what I want,
thank you.
176
00:07:13,012 --> 00:07:14,679
You hockey puck.
177
00:07:14,847 --> 00:07:16,747
What...?
178
00:07:18,868 --> 00:07:20,793
-Knock, knock.
-(gasps)
179
00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:23,612
It's the landlord, Kyle.
Hide the hot plate.
180
00:07:23,781 --> 00:07:26,040
Ha, ha, all right.
181
00:07:26,134 --> 00:07:28,968
But just to be clear,
there's no hot plates.
182
00:07:29,195 --> 00:07:30,695
Or smoking or water beds.
183
00:07:30,788 --> 00:07:32,697
-You guys read the lease, right?
-Ryan?
184
00:07:32,790 --> 00:07:34,198
-RYAN: Sorry.
-Yeah.
185
00:07:34,291 --> 00:07:35,700
Uh, we brought you
housewarming gifts.
186
00:07:35,793 --> 00:07:37,535
Oh, you brought me a plant.
187
00:07:37,628 --> 00:07:39,979
Uh, actually,
the-the plant is for Mandy.
188
00:07:40,206 --> 00:07:43,149
Thank God. I thought you
brought me a plant.
189
00:07:43,376 --> 00:07:44,984
Thank you.
190
00:07:45,211 --> 00:07:47,111
Oh, this is for you.
191
00:07:48,214 --> 00:07:50,548
(laughs):
Oh, sweet.
192
00:07:50,641 --> 00:07:52,825
-A Mega-Drencher 3,000.
-Oh, yeah.
193
00:07:53,052 --> 00:07:55,369
And I got the same one, so
we can have epic water fights.
194
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:58,405
Or, you know, like,
water the plants.
195
00:07:58,558 --> 00:07:59,740
KYLE:
We, uh,
196
00:07:59,892 --> 00:08:01,575
we really appreciate
living here, guys.
197
00:08:01,728 --> 00:08:03,227
I mean, I'm-I'm excited
to start working
198
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,820
for the-the big guy upstairs,
199
00:08:04,914 --> 00:08:07,155
but considering He created
the heavens and the earth,
200
00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:09,583
you would think He could pay
a little better. (laughs)
201
00:08:09,677 --> 00:08:12,069
Kidding. You know that.
202
00:08:12,162 --> 00:08:13,921
It's our pleasure.
203
00:08:14,073 --> 00:08:15,497
I mean, can you believe it?
First your mom and dad
204
00:08:15,591 --> 00:08:16,757
are kind enough to take us in,
205
00:08:16,909 --> 00:08:18,909
and now you guys
are taking us in.
206
00:08:18,928 --> 00:08:21,929
What's next,
moving in with my mom?
207
00:08:22,098 --> 00:08:23,856
We won't. She's dead.
208
00:08:24,083 --> 00:08:28,252
Okay, um, well, do you want me
to help you recycle these boxes?
209
00:08:28,345 --> 00:08:29,754
-Or...
-Oh, yeah. Thanks.
210
00:08:29,847 --> 00:08:32,106
-(clears throat)
-Uh, this one, too?
211
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,366
Oh, no, no. I don't know what
I'm gonna do with that one yet.
212
00:08:33,517 --> 00:08:34,367
-Okay.
-Thanks.
213
00:08:34,518 --> 00:08:36,093
W-What's in here?
214
00:08:36,186 --> 00:08:38,520
Uh, just some stuff
that I was still working on.
215
00:08:38,614 --> 00:08:41,207
Where are you gonna
set up your work table?
216
00:08:41,434 --> 00:08:42,616
I don't know.
217
00:08:42,785 --> 00:08:44,210
I haven't had much time
for my business
218
00:08:44,437 --> 00:08:45,545
since Sarah was born.
219
00:08:45,696 --> 00:08:47,438
Like, none.
(chuckles)
220
00:08:47,607 --> 00:08:50,291
Oh, that's rough.
221
00:08:50,385 --> 00:08:51,867
(sighs):
Yeah.
222
00:08:51,961 --> 00:08:54,720
I thought I would be
Sofia Ferro by now.
223
00:08:55,723 --> 00:08:56,872
Italian designer?
224
00:08:56,966 --> 00:08:58,874
Single-handedly
brought back fringe?
225
00:08:58,968 --> 00:09:02,061
Oh, her. Yeah.
226
00:09:02,212 --> 00:09:04,546
Sofia Ferro lives in Milan.
227
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:08,976
Mandy Baxter lives in Denver
above a garage.
228
00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:14,574
Well, maybe Sofia lives in Milan
above a garage.
229
00:09:15,484 --> 00:09:17,243
It's just, sometimes I feel like
230
00:09:17,412 --> 00:09:19,745
that big part of my life
is over.
231
00:09:20,915 --> 00:09:24,341
I-Is it okay
if we don't talk about this?
232
00:09:24,401 --> 00:09:27,587
Sure. Yeah.
233
00:09:29,907 --> 00:09:31,498
Wow.
234
00:09:31,593 --> 00:09:33,484
-You must be hungry, huh?
-(chuckles)
235
00:09:33,577 --> 00:09:35,319
I'm cleaning out
all the leftover meat
236
00:09:35,488 --> 00:09:37,655
for Baxter Vegetarian Week.
237
00:09:37,748 --> 00:09:39,173
I think we can come up
with a better name.
238
00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:42,935
How about The Week Without Joy?
239
00:09:44,046 --> 00:09:47,014
You're going to love
being a vegetarian.
240
00:09:47,108 --> 00:09:50,167
Or at the very least, I'm gonna
love watching you hate it.
241
00:09:50,336 --> 00:09:54,572
Ha, ha. Wow, you are just a sick
little woman, aren't you?
242
00:09:55,950 --> 00:09:57,450
Listen, for your information,
I've gone a lot longer
243
00:09:57,677 --> 00:09:58,951
than a week without meat, so...
244
00:09:59,178 --> 00:10:02,455
Good, so, uh,
245
00:10:02,682 --> 00:10:05,458
this doesn't bother you?
246
00:10:08,371 --> 00:10:10,112
No.
247
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,423
What about this?
248
00:10:16,453 --> 00:10:18,471
Not at all.
249
00:10:18,698 --> 00:10:21,123
You're handling this
really well, Mr. Baxter.
250
00:10:21,217 --> 00:10:22,642
Which is no fun at all.
251
00:10:22,869 --> 00:10:27,204
Sorry to disappoint you,
you little sadist.
252
00:10:27,297 --> 00:10:28,981
I'll toss this brisket.
253
00:10:29,208 --> 00:10:33,819
Fresh brisket. Probably against
the law to throw this stuff out.
254
00:10:33,988 --> 00:10:35,880
Somewhere, it's probably...
255
00:10:35,973 --> 00:10:38,899
not so-- oh, my...
(muttering)
256
00:10:38,993 --> 00:10:42,411
-Hey.
-Hey.
257
00:10:43,313 --> 00:10:44,479
What are you doing?
258
00:10:44,648 --> 00:10:47,583
Uh, just tossing all this out.
259
00:10:48,652 --> 00:10:50,561
I got something stuck
in my tooth.
260
00:10:50,654 --> 00:10:52,421
I'm not eating this.
261
00:10:53,657 --> 00:10:55,916
I'm not--
I'm-I'm throwing it out. I...
262
00:10:56,010 --> 00:10:58,994
(stammers)
I... I bit my tongue.
263
00:10:59,088 --> 00:11:01,997
I bit my...
264
00:11:02,091 --> 00:11:04,408
Hold on a minute. W-Wait.
265
00:11:04,501 --> 00:11:06,093
Wait a minute.
All right, sorry.
266
00:11:06,187 --> 00:11:07,502
I did, I did eat
a piece of meat.
267
00:11:07,596 --> 00:11:09,747
Honey, look.
Eat as much meat as you want.
268
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,173
But you said I shouldn't.
269
00:11:11,267 --> 00:11:12,433
Well, that's exactly what
I don't want.
270
00:11:12,585 --> 00:11:13,693
I-I don't want to
be your mother,
271
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:15,510
and-and I don't want to
be your warden.
272
00:11:15,604 --> 00:11:18,422
Well, then why
am I so terrified of you?
273
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:21,275
Look, I just asked you to
do this for a week.
274
00:11:21,444 --> 00:11:23,093
I didn't force you, did I?
275
00:11:23,187 --> 00:11:25,037
Are we making jokes now or is
this-- okay, this is serious.
276
00:11:25,189 --> 00:11:26,521
-No, you didn't.
-Right.
277
00:11:26,615 --> 00:11:27,856
But when you sneak around
like that,
278
00:11:27,950 --> 00:11:29,375
you make me feel like
I did force you.
279
00:11:29,526 --> 00:11:30,784
And I don't want that.
280
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,379
So I would rather you eat
as much meat as you want,
281
00:11:33,606 --> 00:11:35,622
and you can just die
at a young age.
282
00:11:35,717 --> 00:11:38,366
Right, but we're not
making jokes right now.
283
00:11:38,461 --> 00:11:40,761
That... that was a joke, right?
284
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:49,061
Really, Ed?
285
00:11:49,288 --> 00:11:53,215
Three more online shots
at Jeff Dunham?
286
00:11:53,309 --> 00:11:54,625
You leave me no choice,
287
00:11:54,718 --> 00:11:56,402
I'm gonna have to block you
from our account.
288
00:11:56,571 --> 00:11:57,962
(quietly):
Come here.
289
00:11:58,055 --> 00:12:01,799
You can't.
It's too important.
290
00:12:01,892 --> 00:12:05,152
Somebody has to stop this guy
and his kind.
291
00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:08,998
His-his kind?
You-you mean ventriloquists?
292
00:12:10,084 --> 00:12:12,418
They're monsters.
293
00:12:14,422 --> 00:12:15,996
When I was a boy, my abuelita
294
00:12:16,165 --> 00:12:18,816
would tell me these horror
stories about men like Geppetto,
295
00:12:18,909 --> 00:12:21,001
who would carve
the likenesses of boys
296
00:12:21,095 --> 00:12:24,154
and use them
to steal their souls.
297
00:12:24,173 --> 00:12:28,583
Geppetto was a sweet old man,
and he was fictional.
298
00:12:28,677 --> 00:12:32,271
Sure. Sure. That's what they
want you to believe.
299
00:12:32,498 --> 00:12:33,439
"They" who?
300
00:12:33,666 --> 00:12:35,775
The voice throwers.
301
00:12:36,002 --> 00:12:37,592
Oh...
302
00:12:37,686 --> 00:12:39,295
Okay, no, okay, I understand.
303
00:12:39,297 --> 00:12:42,856
Y-You're fighting against
the evil of puppet possession.
304
00:12:42,950 --> 00:12:46,434
Which makes you cuckoo bananas.
305
00:12:46,454 --> 00:12:47,953
I'm gonna tell you a story...
306
00:12:48,180 --> 00:12:50,105
Excuse me.
307
00:12:50,124 --> 00:12:51,582
Oh, my God, it's him.
308
00:12:54,854 --> 00:12:56,278
(teeth clenched):
Hello, Mr. Dunham.
309
00:12:56,372 --> 00:12:57,922
I've seen all your specials.
310
00:12:59,116 --> 00:13:01,692
Thanks.
And, uh, please don't do that.
311
00:13:01,785 --> 00:13:02,860
Okay.
312
00:13:02,953 --> 00:13:04,303
-I'm looking for Ed Alzate.
-CHUCK: Oh.
313
00:13:04,530 --> 00:13:07,289
I'm Ed Alzate, you pasty demon.
314
00:13:07,308 --> 00:13:10,458
Uh, um, Jeff, I'm sorry, Jeff.
315
00:13:10,478 --> 00:13:12,252
You're gonna have to--
Can I call you Jeff?
316
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:14,221
(chuckles) Jeff-O.
317
00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:16,040
Y-You'll have to forgive Ed.
318
00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:18,876
Growing up, he was fed
all these-these crazy stories
319
00:13:18,969 --> 00:13:23,063
about how ventriloquists would
steal innocent people's souls.
320
00:13:23,215 --> 00:13:25,157
Yeah. All right, well,
that is crazy.
321
00:13:25,384 --> 00:13:27,326
(Chuck laughs)
322
00:13:28,387 --> 00:13:29,995
See? It's crazy.
323
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:40,581
I've yet to capture the soul
of someone who's innocent.
324
00:13:40,749 --> 00:13:42,416
See, Chuck? What'd I tell you?
What'd I tell you?
325
00:13:42,510 --> 00:13:43,584
He's coming for me.
326
00:13:43,678 --> 00:13:44,918
CHUCK:
This...
327
00:13:45,071 --> 00:13:47,571
(chuckles):
This... this is weird.
328
00:13:47,664 --> 00:13:50,015
Walter's been searching
for a new soul.
329
00:13:50,201 --> 00:13:52,560
He's just about used up
Patrick Stewart.
330
00:13:54,096 --> 00:13:58,415
He's English. They don't have
a lot of soul to begin with.
331
00:13:58,508 --> 00:14:00,675
I'm sorry, Jeff,
but for whatever reason,
332
00:14:00,769 --> 00:14:02,920
puppets make Ed uncomfortable,
333
00:14:03,013 --> 00:14:06,273
so could you please put Walter
back in the box?
334
00:14:06,409 --> 00:14:08,926
"Back in the box"?
335
00:14:09,019 --> 00:14:11,662
Not cool.
336
00:14:12,598 --> 00:14:14,022
Okay.
337
00:14:14,116 --> 00:14:15,857
All right. (laughs)
338
00:14:15,951 --> 00:14:17,618
As much as I enjoy
getting punked,
339
00:14:17,786 --> 00:14:20,695
somebody's gonna have to tell me
what the hell's going on.
340
00:14:20,789 --> 00:14:23,865
Uh, you're getting punked.
That's what's going on.
341
00:14:23,959 --> 00:14:24,884
(both laughing)
342
00:14:25,035 --> 00:14:27,144
Thanks, Jeff.
Jeff is in town,
343
00:14:27,204 --> 00:14:28,888
he's doing some
promotional stuff for us.
344
00:14:29,115 --> 00:14:31,782
-Great opportunity to punk you.
-(Chuck laughing)
345
00:14:31,875 --> 00:14:33,300
And I took the opportunity
of having a little fun.
346
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:36,228
I can have a little fun here
if I want, you hockey puck.
347
00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:37,454
(both laugh)
348
00:14:37,547 --> 00:14:38,546
And you went along with it?
349
00:14:38,641 --> 00:14:40,048
Well, I was already in town.
350
00:14:40,142 --> 00:14:43,385
And plus, I don't really
have any friends.
351
00:14:43,479 --> 00:14:46,130
-(Ed laughs)
-I'll be your friend.
352
00:14:46,148 --> 00:14:48,298
Back off.
353
00:14:48,392 --> 00:14:51,726
He's not much, but he's mine.
354
00:14:51,820 --> 00:14:53,804
That was awfully funny, Jeff.
355
00:14:53,897 --> 00:14:56,916
Well, what do you expect?
I'm a stand-up comedian.
356
00:14:57,084 --> 00:14:59,418
Well, sort of.
357
00:15:00,162 --> 00:15:01,662
Oh, Mikey.
358
00:15:01,756 --> 00:15:03,480
-Okay, okay. (chuckles)
-What's that? What's that?
359
00:15:03,499 --> 00:15:04,665
Mikey, I took the opportunity
360
00:15:04,759 --> 00:15:06,425
of ordering
a little lunch for us
361
00:15:06,652 --> 00:15:08,427
-for the publicity shoot.
-Oh...
362
00:15:08,654 --> 00:15:10,154
-Is that from Sammy's?
-ED: Oh, yeah.
363
00:15:10,322 --> 00:15:13,098
Oh, I love their brisket
with the pecan glaze.
364
00:15:13,325 --> 00:15:14,675
ED:
That's it. That's the one,
that's the one.
365
00:15:14,769 --> 00:15:16,660
I hate it when he eats.
366
00:15:16,753 --> 00:15:18,845
Then I have to do
all the talking.
367
00:15:18,940 --> 00:15:21,832
Mikey, w-would you and Jeff
take a bite of the brisket?
368
00:15:22,001 --> 00:15:23,591
And I-I'll take a picture
and send it to Sammy's
369
00:15:23,686 --> 00:15:25,352
so they won't charge me.
How's that?
370
00:15:25,521 --> 00:15:27,095
As much as I like helping you
become a cheapskate,
371
00:15:27,189 --> 00:15:29,356
I'm not eating meat this week.
372
00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:32,359
What? Outdoor Man
doesn't eat meat?
373
00:15:32,486 --> 00:15:37,081
I guess he uses all these guns
around here to shoot broccoli.
374
00:15:42,371 --> 00:15:45,189
(sighs heavily)
375
00:15:45,207 --> 00:15:46,465
Are you okay?
376
00:15:46,692 --> 00:15:49,385
Oh, I didn't see you there.
377
00:15:51,121 --> 00:15:54,289
Reverend Paul asked if I could
write a sermon on gratitude.
378
00:15:54,383 --> 00:15:57,977
-Oh, okay. Well,
don't worry about it, babe.
-Yeah, that's true, yeah.
379
00:15:58,204 --> 00:16:00,554
You know, w-what might
help me is if, um,
380
00:16:00,648 --> 00:16:03,798
you told me what
you're grateful for.
381
00:16:03,967 --> 00:16:05,317
Uh-huh.
382
00:16:05,544 --> 00:16:07,469
You know, like, uh,
like our daughter?
383
00:16:07,488 --> 00:16:09,822
Or your family?
Or your hair?
384
00:16:09,973 --> 00:16:13,308
My hair? Oh, so suddenly
I don't have great legs?
385
00:16:13,477 --> 00:16:15,327
-Come in.
-What?
386
00:16:15,554 --> 00:16:18,388
-(knocking)
-Come in!
387
00:16:18,482 --> 00:16:19,906
Hi, Kyle.
388
00:16:20,059 --> 00:16:22,668
Oh, Mandy.
I did not see you there.
389
00:16:23,562 --> 00:16:25,153
Lot of that going around.
390
00:16:25,247 --> 00:16:27,414
Kyle, I got your text.
391
00:16:27,566 --> 00:16:29,508
You are having trouble
writing a sermon
392
00:16:29,677 --> 00:16:31,084
about something
to be grateful for.
393
00:16:31,253 --> 00:16:33,971
Well, we all have something
to be grateful for.
394
00:16:35,499 --> 00:16:38,017
Mandy, what are you
grateful for?
395
00:16:39,261 --> 00:16:40,427
Stop.
396
00:16:40,579 --> 00:16:42,763
Yeah, but I-I don't think
he was finished.
397
00:16:42,915 --> 00:16:43,597
I wasn't.
398
00:16:43,766 --> 00:16:45,566
Did my sister put you up
to this?
399
00:16:46,769 --> 00:16:48,935
All right,
it's not working, Kristin.
400
00:16:49,088 --> 00:16:51,846
That's because you guys
are horrible at this.
401
00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:53,940
Yeah, Kyle is.
He hasn't taken improv classes.
402
00:16:54,109 --> 00:16:55,592
You need to come in
with a "want."
403
00:16:55,685 --> 00:16:56,869
You were supposed to come in
404
00:16:57,020 --> 00:16:58,220
and tell her how great
she is with Sarah.
405
00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,872
I was building to that, okay?
406
00:17:00,023 --> 00:17:01,540
My character is shy because he
gets no love from his father.
407
00:17:01,767 --> 00:17:04,376
You're not
playing a character, hon.
408
00:17:04,528 --> 00:17:06,045
You're playing yourself!
409
00:17:06,272 --> 00:17:08,455
And you ruined it, because
I didn't even get to the part
410
00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:10,457
where I get to tell her
how happy she makes me.
411
00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:13,293
You make me really happy.
412
00:17:13,387 --> 00:17:14,720
Okay, okay, all right,
you know what?
413
00:17:14,913 --> 00:17:16,129
Off-the-wall suggestion:
can we just take it again
414
00:17:16,223 --> 00:17:17,723
-from my entrance?
-No, uh...
415
00:17:17,874 --> 00:17:20,225
Listen, we-we were,
we were just trying to
416
00:17:20,452 --> 00:17:22,469
make you feel better, you know?
Just trying to remind you
417
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:24,546
of-of all the great things
in your life.
418
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,714
Yeah, I know it feels like
you've given up a lot,
419
00:17:26,809 --> 00:17:28,792
but you've gained a lot, too.
420
00:17:28,885 --> 00:17:30,736
Yeah, I know I've gained a lot.
421
00:17:30,887 --> 00:17:33,463
Gained a lot of drama queens.
422
00:17:33,482 --> 00:17:35,741
Whoa! Okay.
423
00:17:35,968 --> 00:17:37,968
I had one box that made me
feel sorry for myself
424
00:17:37,986 --> 00:17:39,986
and then you guys put on
a full-blown production
425
00:17:40,081 --> 00:17:41,413
of It's a Wonderful Life.
426
00:17:41,582 --> 00:17:43,582
So you're okay?
427
00:17:43,809 --> 00:17:45,976
Yes. Yes.
I am, I am grateful
428
00:17:46,069 --> 00:17:48,069
that I have
a beautiful daughter,
429
00:17:48,238 --> 00:17:49,813
a-a husband that I adore,
430
00:17:49,906 --> 00:17:52,591
a sister who would
do anything for me,
431
00:17:52,818 --> 00:17:54,985
and a brother-in-law
who's a great man
432
00:17:55,154 --> 00:17:58,004
and a-a terrible actor.
433
00:17:58,099 --> 00:18:00,599
I was the only one
with a point of view.
434
00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:03,769
I'm fine, but thanks for caring.
435
00:18:03,996 --> 00:18:05,062
Group hug.
436
00:18:06,498 --> 00:18:09,650
I'm the richest woman in town!
437
00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:15,689
Sorry I'm late.
Got stuck behind some idiot
438
00:18:15,783 --> 00:18:18,117
driving the speed limit.
(chuckles)
439
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:20,285
-Mm.
-Mm.
440
00:18:20,512 --> 00:18:22,679
-Oh...
-(giggles)
441
00:18:22,848 --> 00:18:24,698
If I'd have known
my complaining turned you on,
442
00:18:24,792 --> 00:18:26,274
I'd... I'd give you
that 30 minutes
443
00:18:26,293 --> 00:18:28,127
on how much I hate Congress.
444
00:18:28,354 --> 00:18:29,962
I've, uh, I've heard it.
445
00:18:30,189 --> 00:18:33,540
Uh, no, that was for
turning down meat today,
446
00:18:33,692 --> 00:18:36,284
when I would
never know about it.
447
00:18:36,378 --> 00:18:38,195
How did you find out about that?
448
00:18:38,288 --> 00:18:39,954
Ed texted me.
And, by the way,
449
00:18:40,048 --> 00:18:42,123
he's still pissed
he had to pay for lunch.
450
00:18:42,292 --> 00:18:44,701
I didn't eat meat today
because I didn't want to.
451
00:18:44,794 --> 00:18:46,870
Not because I was told not to.
452
00:18:46,963 --> 00:18:49,130
Okay. Um...
453
00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:50,707
then why did we get to the point
454
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,376
where we were
having a fight about it?
455
00:18:52,469 --> 00:18:54,636
I don't like it when...
456
00:18:54,804 --> 00:18:57,573
I feel like you "should" on me.
457
00:18:59,218 --> 00:19:00,884
"Should" on you?
458
00:19:00,977 --> 00:19:03,403
When we were talking, you said,
459
00:19:03,497 --> 00:19:06,314
"You shouldn't eat this,
you should eat more this.
460
00:19:06,483 --> 00:19:07,982
You should do this,
you should..."
461
00:19:08,151 --> 00:19:09,484
-You know, when I hear that,
I get defensive.
-Oh, yeah.
462
00:19:09,653 --> 00:19:11,244
Okay, well, that's not
how I meant it.
463
00:19:11,338 --> 00:19:13,063
Well, I know it's probably
not how you meant it.
464
00:19:13,156 --> 00:19:14,915
It's how I took it,
and maybe it's because
465
00:19:15,009 --> 00:19:17,250
I wasn't eating meat
and I was a little testy.
466
00:19:17,344 --> 00:19:21,680
Um, I-I won't say "should"
anymore.
467
00:19:21,849 --> 00:19:23,590
-Thank you.
-Okay.
468
00:19:23,759 --> 00:19:25,833
-And-and you shouldn't...
-Honey.
469
00:19:25,928 --> 00:19:27,928
...let-- all right,
all right, all right.
470
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:29,337
-Wow.
-Uh...
471
00:19:29,431 --> 00:19:33,583
I would prefer it if,
in the future,
472
00:19:33,677 --> 00:19:36,695
you would not tell me
an untruth.
473
00:19:37,756 --> 00:19:39,865
What do you mean? Oh, I didn't--
I-I was not untruth...
474
00:19:40,016 --> 00:19:41,775
-Yeah, you lied to me.
You did. Yeah.
-No. No, I didn't.
475
00:19:41,944 --> 00:19:43,427
-No, I kind of lied.
-When you were eating meat
in there,
476
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,555
-you took-- Y-Yeah.
-Okay, it was, uh...
477
00:19:46,615 --> 00:19:49,541
Okay, I-I apol--
I did lie to you.
478
00:19:49,693 --> 00:19:52,711
-Warden, I did.
-(scoffs)
479
00:19:53,789 --> 00:19:55,714
-We're good?
-Yes, we're good. All right.
480
00:19:55,865 --> 00:19:57,382
What do you want for dinner?
481
00:19:57,609 --> 00:19:58,942
Well, it's gonna be all-vegan,
482
00:19:59,035 --> 00:20:01,053
so I really couldn't
give a "should."
483
00:20:09,972 --> 00:20:12,731
Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.
484
00:20:12,882 --> 00:20:16,068
If you think I look
a little extra chiseled today,
485
00:20:16,219 --> 00:20:18,052
it's because I, uh...
486
00:20:18,146 --> 00:20:21,298
cut back on empty carbs.
487
00:20:21,316 --> 00:20:24,243
You know, we sell more tents,
boats and snowmobiles
488
00:20:24,411 --> 00:20:26,411
than any other chain
in the world.
489
00:20:26,580 --> 00:20:28,580
Why? Because what
we're really selling
490
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:31,475
is 31 flavors of freedom.
491
00:20:31,493 --> 00:20:33,493
Ah, delicious freedom.
492
00:20:33,587 --> 00:20:35,662
And you don't have to
choose just one.
493
00:20:35,756 --> 00:20:37,981
Heck, make it a swirl.
494
00:20:38,074 --> 00:20:41,485
Because there's no bad flavors
of personal sovereignty.
495
00:20:41,578 --> 00:20:44,321
Some think freedom is
wind in their hair
496
00:20:44,414 --> 00:20:46,323
on a mountaintop.
497
00:20:46,416 --> 00:20:48,658
Or wind in their hair on an ATV.
498
00:20:48,752 --> 00:20:50,844
Or wind in their hair
on a motorboat.
499
00:20:50,938 --> 00:20:52,437
Turns out a lot of people
think freedom
500
00:20:52,664 --> 00:20:54,848
is just something about
wind in their hair.
501
00:20:54,942 --> 00:20:57,334
But any time you choose
what to do,
502
00:20:57,503 --> 00:20:58,835
where to go or what to eat,
503
00:20:59,004 --> 00:21:01,929
you're enjoying
the sweet glory of liberty.
504
00:21:01,949 --> 00:21:05,342
Some people define freedom
a little differently.
505
00:21:05,511 --> 00:21:07,010
They see it as being liberated
506
00:21:07,179 --> 00:21:09,604
from ever having to
make a choice.
507
00:21:09,698 --> 00:21:12,682
And you know what those puppets
like to do for fun?
508
00:21:12,851 --> 00:21:16,444
Whatever their puppet master
tells them to do.
509
00:21:16,463 --> 00:21:17,945
That's not for us.
510
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,948
Not in the home of the brave
and the land of the free.
511
00:21:21,117 --> 00:21:22,617
God bless America.
512
00:21:22,786 --> 00:21:24,619
And once you reach
the mountaintop
513
00:21:24,788 --> 00:21:26,305
and look out
across the promised land,
514
00:21:26,532 --> 00:21:28,882
you realize He already
has blessed us.
515
00:21:28,976 --> 00:21:31,885
And I believe He'll continue
to do so.
516
00:21:32,095 --> 00:21:34,721
(chuckles) Knock on wood.
517
00:21:34,815 --> 00:21:36,106
Baxter out.
518
00:21:37,484 --> 00:21:39,133
(chicken clucks)
519
00:21:39,153 --> 00:21:40,060
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
520
00:21:40,154 --> 00:21:41,320
and TOYOTA.